wellRED podcast - #96 - "I look like a Santa on the come up!" , feat. Jesus and Steve Mariucci

Episode Date: December 17, 2018

On this episode we recap the #wellREDbonerjams tournament, try to figure out why there are 12 days of Christmas, and just overall act like a bunch of lunatics wellredcomedy.com for tickets

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie. I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the ske universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year?

Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low main? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better. And it's called Rocket.

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I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. And I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing. any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one I'd said it before, but I had a, I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friends' faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got, I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies, you know, those weren't a little like

the cue ball looking twin fellas. Yeah. So that was that response to? What was that a reply gift for just when I did something stupid? Something fat and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out.

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Hanging out, that's good there. I'm just going to go ahead and start if we're going to talk about this. But hanging out with drunk people when you're not drunk is the worst thing in the world. And I agree with you. Hang out with high people when you're not high is totally fine, totally manageable. What we were telling about listeners is I said, Trey thought I had said that I was going to get high to communicate with them. And I said I'm going to get high to communicate with the void, which is them.

So yes. It is me. Yeah. So it's true. I'm devoid. I just want to talk to myself. Anyway, when y'all are stoned and I'm not stoned, y'all are hilarious. Yeah.

When y'all are drunk and I'm not drunk, it's not that you're not funny. It's just that we scream at each other anyway. Yeah. It's a thing we do. There's like the level of... Y'all are so much lighter when you're drunk and when I'm not drunk, I'm so much more of an asshole. 100% I'm going to shut this door.

I had it open to ventilate this weed out of my hotel room, but now we're in here. But no, I agree. Like, I can't. Normally, I never even have to worry about hanging out with people when I'm not drunk just because, you know what my secret is. You're always drunk? I'm always drunk. This is a secret, everybody.

So it doesn't bother me. That's what alcohol synonymous really is. Yeah. Nobody knows I'm drunk. Nobody knows that. Yeah, yeah. I'm anonymously an alcoholic. I have one of them professors in college.

Nobody knew he was drunk until we noticed that his coffee cup was full of clear liquid one day. As I say, if they got patches on their elbows, they're hammered just to let you know. But yeah. And or hammering a sophomore. Yeah, exactly. So, well, here we are. And while. Damn it.

I was just about to say that. So I've been on here the whole time because I've been chewing meat. And now that I swallowed it, I picked up the microphone was just about to do. Here we are. And then you somehow. be rabid on the wings of ravens. Well, the reason I did that,

Trey, is because I want to do this first. Therefore, I don't have to edit this podcast later. I want to say this. Hey, well-readers, what's up? It's your boy, the show.

Go to well-red comedy. com. W-E-L-R-E-D comedy.com. Spelled just like the podcast. That's where you can find tour dates. Where we're going to be next. When we're going to be there, how you can grab the tickets,

click on the link. We're going to be in Nashville. Nashville. Nashville. Nashville. I'm pumped about it up. Nashville, this upcoming weekend, which is I've been looking forward to it since.

I'd say the last fucking time we were in Nashville, I've been super pumped to come back. Me and you've been in Nashville since the last time we all three have been in Nashville. We have, and we went to Zanis in Nashville, which is where we're going to be December 20th through the 23rd, and we saw Lonnie Love, and it was fucking... Hilarious. Goddamous.

If you're out there and you can't be near us, but you're near not Lonnie Love. Go see Lonnie Love. We had a great time, but we, well-read comedy tour is going to be in Nashville, closing out our 2018, well-read from Dixie with Love tour at Zanies. You can go to zanies.com and grab the tickets.

Excuse me. Why would I say that? You can do that. You can do that. But also go to well-read comedy. Well, you're saving them a step. I was. Yeah, it'd be easier.

Yeah, that's true. I was. That's being nice. You can also on our website find sweet merch, t-shirts, tank tops, all that shit. And our book, The Liberal Redneck Manifesto, Dragon Dixie out of the dark, which I'm still living on. Thank you, everybody. Also, sign up for our newsletter. So you can find out where we're going to be and when we're going to be there before anybody else so you can grab tickets before they sell out.

Also, this portion of the podcast is always brought to you by Smokey Boysgrilling.com. Go to Smokey Boys grilling.com to grab all the rubs for all your meats. Also, I want some rubs. You ain't got none? No. Oh, right, because they come to my house when they send them. Exactly. Right, my bad.

They are fucking good. Damn, I want some rubs too. Well, we're in Nashville. Dad's coming up for the show. I will say he rub your ego all the time, so it's a wash. That's another thing that's actually... Well, I rode his belly all the time. And his head.

And his head. I want somebody to rub my tank. Dad's coming. Taint. Yeah, rub my taint, Trey. You can rub my tank. Dad's coming. Did you hear him? Did you hear him?

I'm in the... I said, rub my taint, Tray. We were over here talking about y'all rubbing each other. And I said, somebody rub me, rub my tank. And Corey said, you can rub my tank. And he was talking to you. He can if he wants to. The whole context of that was, I want somebody to rub me.

And your response, sincerity was, Tray can rub my tank, yeah. Well, I thought you were saying, like, there's no way anybody here will let one of us rub their taint. And I was like, you rub my tank. I'm so glad that this happened on the podcast, so we can go back and listen to what you got out of that was that I was saying we wouldn't rub each other's taint.

And I was clearly whining that y'all don't be rubbing me. I've rub you the wrong way, but I do love you. There it is. There we go. Ladies and gentlemen, Smokey Boysgrilling.com, that's where you can grab all the rubs for all you meats. And, like I said, I know you don't have any rubs, guys, but dad is coming to. the show Friday in Nashville.

I'll have him bring some up. That's another thing I've never said on the podcast before. Smokey Boys grilling is my dad. That's my dad's rub. I think we've talked about that. Have we? Okay. I didn't know.

I thought people were just like, well, these guys, you know, it's much hit for you, this regular ad, but it's not. It's my dad. I love them.

They'll buy all his goddamn rubs. They hit so hard. Also, this portion of the podcast, new sponsor, and when I say new, I mean, it's been about a month and a half. Carve Vodka.

Do you want to get drunk like the show? I know you do. go to carve vodka.com, drink Jacksonville's first and only, to my knowledge. And if I'm wrong, fuck them. Craft vodka distillery ran by the one and only Paul Gray. Go there and carve your own path. Ske you on with the podcast. What's up, guys?

Paul Gray is also his dad. Yeah. Everybody knows. Joe's first two advertisement dollars, what am I trying to say? deals. Ad revenue. Yeah. A barbecue rub and a craft vodka company.

Yeah, and they're just my buddies. Wait, wait, wait, and a ball powder. I forgot about that one. That was an unofficial ad.

That was just, they're all kind of unofficial ads. Well, these are very unofficial. Yeah, but, well, that was unofficial in a way that,

like, I only did it once. And it was, oh, yes, son, are you serious? Like, you're just now noticing

what's going on here? Podcast listeners, we're in my hotel. This is the show. And Drew is just, me and Trey have been hanging out every night watching the new Mike Judge series and getting high. And Drew's just noticed that we have, how will we get here, like 15 empty bags of chips? There's like literally six, I think.

I'm not kidding this morning. Like vending machine bags of chips, y'all were not animals. Yeah, I told you this. I woke or I fell asleep eating a Kit Kat the other night. And so I got chocolate all over my face and it like stayed on my face for, a very long time. And because of so, I got my first Zit in like on my face in like years. And it was literally just because I slept in chocolate.

You got a chocolate Zit. I got a chocolate Zit from sleeping in a Kikad, like straight on it. My man has chocolate sores leaking out of his body. Yeah. He do. I don't hit. Been infected by the hits. You got Cholio.

Choliet. So anyways, here we are. Here we are. Where you want to show us some shit? Yeah, okay. I'm kind of excited. Wait, is this going to be like a thing that we talk about for four hours? Should we save this for the M?

I don't know, maybe. Well, hang on. Because I had a question I wanted to ask that I don't think it will spend a lot of time on. And I don't mind going second. No, no, no. Go ahead. I just don't want to be out, you know, I don't want it to be boring after whatever. I feel like what he's about to show us is going to hit Supreme.

It's going to be wild. Yeah, yeah. I'm very curious. And I think talking about the wise might be interesting. Who y'all play with Immortal Kombat and Street Fighter and Why? I mean, Mortal combat for me was probably either Scorpion or I fucked with Riden or Raiden. Raiden. Raiden, Riden, my man.

I liked Raiden's hat. That always hit for me. He did. Now, he wasn't in the first original one. Raiden? He wasn't one of the first eight. For real? I'm 99% sure.

He was, he was like the next four. I mean, I fought with Lou Kang, too. Yeah. I fucked with Scorpio or Sub-Zero. I fucked with Scorpio almost exclusively. Scorpion. You said Scorpio. That was my bad.

Scorpion, yes, almost exclusively because, Get over here. It was my favorite shit in the world. And it was one of the easier moves. Back back to her all the time. She never knows what I'm talking about. Like, we'll get naked with him. Get over here!

She's like, I was going to. Yeah, I don't know. What was that? That was weird. What the fuck was that, you idiot? And then you throw your dick up. Then you throw your dick at her across the room. It doesn't even close to get there, and then I have to keep doing it.

Imagine being able to throw your dick. At what? Anything. Oh, yeah. Just the physical bit, like, if it was, you know, long but soft enough at the same time for you to throw it. Can I tell you where my... I can flick it. Can I tell you how shitty of a person I am?

Yes. You know, when you say, what would you do if you could throw your dick what the first thing coming in my mind was? It was like, it's like, if I was in bed, hung over and I had to piss, but I didn't want to get up, I could just throw my dick at the toilet. But that's a literal first thing that came into my mind. When I was a kid, if I could have got superpowers, I'd help the world. Now I'm just like, I'll pee. Is throwing your dick around? Is that a phrase?

Throwing your weight around. Yeah, but I think it's the same thing. I think, I think, I know, I think throwing pussy around to think. Yeah. I think what throwing dick around is too, I think. Like, give it it to everybody. Well, and it or be a phrase or something. Listen, let me.

Quit throwing your dick around. Hear me. Okay, that's a negative one. That's coming from you. Surprising. I'm going to flip-flop here. What, like, that to me, imagine someone saying, fucking, well, the bears were winning,

Brett Farf came in there, just throwing his damn dick around. I mean, that also hits. I kind of think that's, that hits. It goes both. A version of a thing that's been said. I know, like, LeBron, I've heard people talking about LeBron giving them the dad dick. Or the dad, daddy dick. So, like, and put they dick in the dirt.

Yeah. It's when they, yeah. So. I say pull the daddy dick out a lot. If we ain't. Never. Not to Amber. I apologize to probably black people.

people because they always come up with the coolest phrases when I don't know if anybody's come up with something or who came up with it. So I apologize if this is it. But if it's not, well red, we've made it a thing right now throwing your dick around. And it's when you're hitting. And by the way, ladies is pimps too. Go on and throw your dick around. I like that. Sure. Go on throw your dick around. Yeah. Go on throw your dick around. All right. I'm so in. I couldn't do more. I know your hand, buddy. All right, man. Fuck out.

All right. What about Street Fighter? You know, I can't. I played Street Fighter. But I played Street Fighter. But I'm a lot. I'm, I played Street Fighter. I can't remember any of the characters from it. Gile. Sonic, boom. I did Gile at first, and I think it was just because he was like the American, all-American, you know, and we were that age. And then I started doing Chun Lee because...

The E-Honda hit for me, too. Well, E-Honda and Chun Lee had the same. And Blanca. Blanca was my dog, actually. I love Blanca, and I love Dalsim, but I always fought with Chun Lee or He-Honda because they had the easiest moves I could do that would fuck people up. You could do his lightning hands or her thunder thighs just by tapping the punch or the kick buttons respectively. And I did her instead of him.

I guess fat people don't hear of me. I don't really know. I just chose her. And I feel like it made me more woke, perhaps. You know, women kicking ass. Hey, that's so funny you say that. Speaking of being woke in video games. I'm not kidding.

I'm going to get there. Let me get there. I believe you. Play, baby. Throw your dick around. Who did y'all play with in Smash Brothers? That's what I was going to ask. He was the princess?

Huh? I think I was towed. Samas. I always used Sammas. And then, after years of playing with Samas, I didn't fuck with Metroid Prime or whatever, like the game Samus was in. in, I just was like Samus is a character in Smash Brothers.

Samus would be a redneck name. After years of playing it, I found out that Samus is a chick. You didn't even know. I didn't even know. But now I was like, I'm going to home. Because, Drew, you're not much of a nerd or video game person. Did you know that? No.

Okay. So my point is. Because I'm a, admittedly a huge dork. Like, I thought that was a thing that just people knew. No. So I didn't know that shit. Well, I mean, I guess nerds, no. And admittedly, this is how I felt when I found out about it at 10, I was like, what?

Samus can't be a girl? Samus is fucking badass. And then I grew up, kept playing with Samus, and Samus ended up being my first feminist icon. Mine was. So that's where I wanted to go with that. Which is stupid. Of no doubt. That's not stupid at all.

That is. I've heard other people say that. Oh, for real? Yeah. I played with the... Oh, cool. dude i thought i was really stupid just then no samus kind of gets a rep for that sort of thing okay she was like the first metro prime is the game it hits for me metro is the original game she was a

chick in that when it first came out and metro came out like 1988 5 yeah so not i didn't know all that hits for me i'm not trying to take anything away from women but i do wish that samas was a redneck uncle name their fucking uncle sammas came in her union throwing his dick around uncle sammas throwing his dick around god damn samas you know how he is it also it sounds like sammitch It does. Uncle Samis. Bologna Samos. Bolognaz.

That's my wrestling day. That's what they call it. I'm Baines Brulet. Bones Brulet and Bologna and Bologna Samos. The tag team champions of the world. Hell yeah, man. That's fucking great. Bens Burel and Bologna Samos.

I did Princess on the Mario Kart too, just because she was fast. Mario Kart I always play with Yoshi. I also thought with Yosie. There was always two that would be exactly the same. Here's how the hierarchy goes. Bowser and. And Donkey Kong are fast most of the whole time because they're heavy, they're big, they're powerful. If they run into you, you fuck with them.

But they sacrifice being able to turn as well. Their accuracy is not as good. They also don't have as good acceleration. Right. Then you have your second tier. You've got your Mario's. You've got your Luigi's. So right.

So these are your kind of middle of the ground. In Madden, this is your 82 across the fucking board. They're not going to spike anywhere, but it's going to get the job done. All right. then you've got the tiny motherfuckers. And it was Yoshi and Princess had the same. Yoshi and Princess are the two tiers down. They're tiny, but they can move you a little bit,

but they sacrifice a little bit of speed. And they're good on sharp curves. And Toad and was other small motherfucker. I don't remember. Was it? No, it was Toad and Yoshi were in the same category in that. Wario was also a Bowser when he came in. He was a big motherfucker.

And then there was, there's another middle of the ground. I don't know. whatever. I don't know where we're going with this. I think we're talking about the rise of women

in video games and breaking the glass ceiling with an uncle sandwich. Just fucking... Ladies, throw your dick around. Throw your dick around,

guys. The biggest, like, major, like, um, mascot level, like, franchise thing,

example of that was fucking Lara Croft. Oh, yeah. And, like, how you think that? goes because she was that but also it was like

she was very sexualized like extremely sexualized that was like how they had to like so they had to get that character out there is she good or bad I mean I guess I mean you're literally talking about one of the top three or four discuss things in whatever wave of feminism

we're on right now because that whole like don't let them slut shame you empower yourself sexually of course got perverted by a bunch of men who was like hell yeah girl do it whatever you want. Come to it. What was this big-titty gal supposed to wear in a cave?

You know what I'm saying? Like, God damn. What's she going to do? She can't have big-ass tities and explore? Fuck you, man. You ain't going to... There it is. There it is.

That's what I'm saying, dog. She can't have big-ass titties and explore. Not in my America, God-dum-mmy. I'm saying, dude. All right, well, I'm about to do this. Anyway, it's one of the biggest things with, I think we're on fourth-wave feminism right now. I was like, yes, be a slut if you want to be.

But don't think that that's what you have to do to be a feminist. You can be approved if you want to be. Yeah, for sure. Right, okay. So where does that put Lara Croft? Some people would say it's awesome and it's great to show women that they can look hot and sexy if they want to and be bad asses. And some people would say, no, it's bullshit because basically you're saying you've got to be hot to be a hitter. Lara Croft is a good thing.

The old greasy white man that invented her is a bad thing. It's probably an old greasy Japanese man that invented her. Yeah. Anyway I don't know that It might not have been Just over throwing his dick around God damn

Sony So all right Here You talk about a group That throw that dick around Yeah So okay You gonna show us

Have if I say Branches and Big Wet To y'all Do y'all know what I'm talking about Branches and big wet Does that mean anything Sounds like a date I went on Anything to you

Is that one of the Girls Gone Wild series Okay Yeah So for real y'all I'm talking about Branches in Big Wet. Because this went viral, but I missed it when it went viral. Is it like Bub Rub and Lil Sis?

I'm going to play it for you. That sounds like an HBO miniseries about Salina. Okay. I have no idea. Branches in Big Wet. The video is called Turnup on the Weekend. Okay. Went viral.

Like last month? No, a year ago. Okay. So you all experience this the same way our listeners will. I'm not even going to show you the video at first. I'm just going to tell you all that the dude's singing is like, like a Louis Anderson

if he was Kenny Powers looking motherfucker oh my god fat old dude with a mullet no young fat just like fat oh Louis

goofy I thought you meant Louis Armstrong I thought you meant Louis Armstrong like no you said Louis Anderson I was like trying to make Louis Armstrong

and Kenny Powers look the same and it fucking bent my brain I know yeah I was thinking Louis Louis Armstrong

okay swing on the page that's what the dude looks like and yeah if you're listening at your computer branches and big wet turn up on the weekend so here wait this ain't a this ain't an a k a for appalachy don is it i don't think apalachy don is a hiccob artist who looks exactly as you have described fuck i don't know maybe because i'll right he played it

anyway all right listen so anyway knowing that here we go progressive presents precious moments yeah i caught my first fish dad great job buddy he's a beauty. Thanks for taking me fishing. Love you, Dad. I love you too, son. The exchange you just heard didn't actually happen, but it could. Bundle your home and other vehicles with Progressive and you could use the savings to make sure the boat's always ready for those magical father-son moments. Who knows, maybe someday he'll actually like fishing. So keep the dream alive and the savings coming with Progressive. Progressive casualty insurance company affiliates and other insurers. You're not allowed to see, Corey. I can't see? Not yet. I'll show you with it. I want y'all to

hear it first, like people listening will hear it. Then I'll show it to you. Hell yeah. This ain't it. You're about to look like Wade Cardwell. This ain't it, dude. That dude's just shirtless! Oh my God, has this been to be a joke?

If it is, he's killing it. This is going so perfectly for me right now. A thick one. Okay, my man. It sounds like he's doing a fake accent. Stakes over charcoal. Respect. He's also wearing a Yankees hat.

If he was being serious, he wouldn't know that. I don't trust his hipster mustache. Okay, all right. You get the idea. There's more of it, but it's all that same type of thing. So what y'all think? What is that? I don't know.

That's either real bad hiccup or someone trying to parody that, but it's so ridiculous you can never tell what a parody is. Here's what really threw me, and it's a small detail, but I think it says, I don't think it's a small detail at all. The fact that he was wearing a new. New York Yankees hat. He also was wearing Pittsburgh Steelers here. That's true.

That one, not so much. That some rednecks. I don't know. I think if you put both of those together. If you put both them together. If you put both them together, yes, but if it was just the Pittsburgh Steeler thing. Okay, but it's not. It is both of them together.

I know, but I didn't even notice that. All I noticed was the Yankees hat because if it was bad hiccop, they would be like one of the details about we can't have no goddamn Yankee shit on. Another thing about the hiccup thing is he says, Stakes over charcoal. And the way he said it, I didn't buy it at all. I think, and I don't know, I haven't reached, I wanted to talk with y'all about this and see where we landed on it. I think that it's self-aware. It's like, it is a joke.

Yeah, especially the guy on the back of the, uh, the hipster DJ looking dude on the back of the back of the back of the video. Yeah. What a sentence I'm saying to our listeners who haven't seen this video. You know that hips your DJ with the yellow MacBook on the back of the yellow monster truck? Guys. He seemed like on purpose. Hold up. What's the name of the video?

Branches with a Z, branch. Okay. and big wet turn up on the weekend well-read listeners pause this podcast right this second go watch this video

and then come back to us so that you'll understand more fully what we're talking about go watch it right now it won't take that long I had said that earlier if you can't if you're driving or something

and you can't watch it again I explained to you you still described it probably I explained to you what the guy looks like imagine that guy standing by a horse, riding a four-wheeler. And I mean... Riding a four-wheeler standing in front of a

ridiculously jacked-up Chevy truck, like a bright yellow one. Like, it's insane. But here's my thing. The song itself, though, is not enough of a joke that it kind of throws you off. Because it's not like Lonely Island style.

The song, dude, if I just heard the song and didn't see any of it I would be like that's a motherfucker trying to hit at that and I, you know what I mean? But this reminds me of something that's come up before. Pose law as well. Pose law.

That's a Dunning Kruger is a whole That's why I brought it up. Yes, but I don't mean that. You know what I'm talking about? Yes, but I mean this exact conversation has come up before with me and Andy. First of all, watch the video even if you're driving unless you have kids.

What do you fucking have to live for? Andy, my wife, her dream is to make a parody hiccop group with her and her friends who call themselves the backhose already. And she was going to get DJ to help her. And I was going to help her. I was excited about it. She starts showing me hiccup videos. There's a dude named Appalachie Don. That's the one I just brought up.

There's a guy named Minifan. That's my food. Please get that. It's impossible to parody. I shouldn't say it's not impossible we tried we like actually spent time trying to figure out how to parody this stuff and the thing is it's so ridiculous

you can't out ridiculous it but if you don't out ridiculous it what's the joke what are you actually doing yeah I mean like Donald Trump's like that yeah it's a parody of himself it makes him harder to make fun of right so I yeah that's why I don't want to on stage

but again I'm sticking with the accent thing and a few other little things but the way he said charcoal makes me think this is a parody. Again, I agree. But the music, though, is different than what you'd expect for a video like that in terms of it being a parody. Maybe that guy realized he couldn't out ridiculous him, so he slowed it down and tried

to make it like heartfelt. So if anybody listening to don't know what Poe's law is, it's the idea that any satire or parody or whatever that approaches the... Realism. Yeah, is going to, like, be indistinguishable. from the actual thing at a certain point. Like you can't. Like if it's too,

like if it's too spot on or whatever, but in a, I don't know what, you know what you mean, Joe. I do know what you mean. It's that as the real world gets as fucked up as satire often is, you can't distinguish the two

and thus something could be, it's a Schrodinger's hit. I think the most brilliant satire I've ever seen. Is it french fries on your salad? No. tortilla strips. Definitely in my lifetime

is when Stephen Colbert started a super pack after running for office and he literally did it. It wasn't like a oh I'm gonna put he actually started a super pack and the parody or the satire was just this is how ridiculous it is.

I can do this. And the way he did it like he had to give up when he ran for office he couldn't run his super pack anymore so he just said to John Stewart you're running it now. Don't do I can't tell you what to do

but if I could I would tell you to do this and then John would go do it which is how those fucking super PACs work. That was such the golden age of Comedy Central. God damn. This is how it's actually stated. I was butchering it, but this is what it is.

Pose law is an adage of internet culture stating that without a clear indicator of the author's intent, it is impossible to create a parody of extreme views so obviously exaggerated that it cannot be mistaken by some readers for a sensitive.

sincere expression of the parodied views. Yeah. Which to me, that's exactly what that fucking video. And by the way, that happened with Colbert. Right. Yeah, no, I know. It happens with Andy Borowitz all the goddamn time. Happens with, hell, surprisingly somehow still the onion, which I don't get. Like the sister websites and stuff that are new, I get it.

But like, God damn, man. If you have an internet connection in this day and age, how the fuck are you just hearing about the goddamn onion? and whatever. But Borowitz, I see it happening too a lot, especially because it comes under the New Yorker moniker that looks more official than anything. Am I wrong? He's extremely Mariucci to me.

Yeah, I hear you. But, you know, that ain't what this is, but yeah, no, I do hear you. Have we talked about that? What marriage is? Yeah, people are clear on that? Well, we should, go ahead and explain. People love finding out about the lore.

If y'all are listening now at this point, we've told you before. You know what hits and don't hit. Yes, and here it is. 9-11 don't hit. Cheeseburgers do hit. Right. That's really the metric you need.

Maryucci is the word for things that both hit and do not hit. So not just necessarily like neutral things. It's not like that. Like the internet. It's more like they do fucking hit and they also very don't. Yeah. Like the internet is that. Like the internet is undeniable.

The most hidden thing ever. But at the same time, Bill. Go to the comment section on something you posted that you were proud of. Right. And it will not hit for you. Very Mariucci. The reason that Mariucci, and this is ridiculous, I can't go. Oh, Lord, here we go.

It's so funny. It's easier if you explain it with John Totoro, but then we couldn't use John Totoro. Or Steve Buccimi. Okay, right. Okay, that's true. We'll explain it this way. We are insane. This is, okay.

A picture of Steve Bouchemi, he hits, absolutely. But a picture of him don't hit. Like that you can't. Undenight, like, that don't hit. Like, just having to look at Steve Buscemi. So he hits, but a picture of him don't hit. But we couldn't use Bishimi, because if you say something's Bishimi, it sounds like you're saying it hits. It hits because he hits so hard.

Undeniable hard. So we landed on, I was one of us, I don't know what it was. We were watching NFL Sunday something. It was you as far as I remember. It was definitely was me, but I can't remember if we're all together when it happened. And it was a, I saw a freeze frame of Steve Marucci. And I was like, well, I mean, he hit, like, it was the TV froze. He's a football coach, well, Redmond's.

Great football coach. Football is an American game. Yeah. So I was sitting there going like, this don't hit. And I was like, but Mariochi hits, but just a picture of Steve Marucci don't hit. And therefore, it became if something both hits and does not hit, it is Mariochi. Yes, thus spakeeth the show. And we have meta, we have a live Marucci right now.

I just got ranch all over the podcast equipment, which undenay. hits because it's hilarious. Oh no, it's fine, dude. And then it don't hit because there's this ranch down in the fucking podcast. Do you see that? That's Doritos. Yeah, that is Doritos. And that's dirt right there.

It's fine, man. Dude, we got enough out of this thing. We can throw it against a wall. So, yeah, so that's what it is. It's something that both hits and don't hit. That's Mariucci. Having to explain that was kind of Mariachi to me. I'll be honest with you.

So what was Mariucci a minute ago? I said something was Maryuch. Andy Burrowitz. Oh, Andy Borowitz. Yeah, he's Marieti. Right. So having explained what Marucci is, why do you say that? Me?

Yeah. Sorry, I was trying to text nap. What was the question? Mariucci. Why did you say that about Andy Borrell? We hadn't, I don't know, he just, you brought him up, and he popped it in my head, and I was saying how sometimes he really don't hit for me. But he does hit.

All right. He's undeniably a hitter. Yeah. But, like, man, he's just so, he is literally everything that people from where we're from hate about Yankee liberals. Yeah Yes That too Alright

Was born on third base Went to an Ivy League school And now his job Is to write this little Joke column For like 1800 people But they're all rich

You know This is what I love Drew's like This motherfucker don't know shit About the South While like slaw And it's just pouring out of your mouth No I didn't say it

No shit I said that Why didn't say anything about him I said that's people think that he is a great representation of like coastal elitism and i mean he is

yeah dude of course he is he hits hey we got to do an update about boner jams chow i thought we did when we didn't we've missed a week oh yeah pull it up by the way everybody sorry about that oh yeah we're sorry

we were celebrating we were celebrating the reason why we fucking missed it you don't too we were well we were celebrating my birthday is what it was and i apologize that's everybody. It's like, look, man, we really got out of hand. You know, the tour started back up. It was my birthday, and I didn't get to be at home, so we went in.

I just burped and farted at the same time. Yeah? What's that called? A bart. It's like a, my uncle. Furt. Uncle Mark had a word for it. Be furp.

He used to say, fart took an elevator every time you burped. So, farting and burping aside. Not really, but we celebrated. my birthday all last week. And we kicked it off the night before my birthday, which I'm just going to forever consider that was my birthday party because you can't top it.

Oh shit. Yeah. We didn't even talk about this. I know. And it's literally why the podcast didn't come out because we did that and couldn't record a podcast. We got to have my birthday dinner with none other than

my absolute fucking number one hero of all time, Mel Brooks, the producer, director, writer of the greatest movie of all time. I've talked about on here a lot, blazing saddles. So that's why we're just getting to you two weeks later on that one, ladies and gentlemen. Mel Brooks is Mariucci. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I will go print out a picture of Steve Mariochie, have it frame, and whoop you in the head with it.

Now, Mel Brooks is like, I mean, pretty much undeniably Mount Rushmore of American comedy across the board, right? Like, nope, like, there's pretty much no argument you can make. There is no position to that. And he's the George Washington of comedy, too, where you go, yeah. He started it. Started it. Best one. Undeniably.

Unaffiliated. Yeah. He's a universal legend. He's fucking Mel Brooks. Damn. Even though he's 187 years old. He hit. Dude.

So hard. He had it. He was so sweet. He sang to us. And he was funny and charming and like remembered all our names. And he fucking sang to us, man. He, I can. I can't explain to you listeners how perfect it was other than to say like every single minute that we were with him.

He was up sprinting around, telling jokes, crushing Mel Brooks improv style, and then literally as he walked out the door, sang us a live very Mel Brooks style showtuny rendition of, is it true what they say about Dixie and then put his hat on and just walk smooth out. It was so fucking mad. It was the coolest. I've never seen anything cool on. Ever. And then from outside, hollers back into the house, we can't see him, and yells for his daughter-in-law. Says, hey, Michelle.

She says, yes, Mel. And he says, tell the boys I said it was nice meeting him. He knew we could. Knowing we could hear him. And that was him telling the club he had a nice weekend. He just closed and crushed. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Hell yeah, he crushed. Dude, it was absolutely, it was a coolest. It couldn't have been, it couldn't have been better. It couldn't have been cooler. Yeah, and that's all I have to say about that, honestly. That was, so that's why we didn't get to podcast. That's why we didn't get the podcast out. And so because we didn't, we have to update you guys.

This is where we at right now. Boobo Booner Jams, 2018, well-read boner jams. Wait, I'll be honest with you. I'm not sure. Okay. As of right now, this is ongoing, so I'm not going to comment on where that one's at. Pony by Genuine Beat, Say My Name, All My Life by Casey and Jojo beat Genie in a bottle. Don't Want to Miss a Thing, beat Amaze by Lone Star.

No Diggity by Black Street beat Usher. You Make Me Wanna. Mm-hmm. So we got Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Arrow Smith up against No Diggity by Black Street. Don't be a fight. Pony by Genuine, up against all my life by Casey and Jojo. Casey and Jojo going down. Well, that felt a good old one.

That's on the other side of the bracket. Listeners, I have to admit to y'all, we hire right now. We've already told them that. We're to the final four. You can tell them who won those two. All right, here we go. Oh, no, this is shit. I don't know.

No, you know. It was fucking me up because we missed a week. Oh, yeah, fuck it. So Drew's right, though. Born that way. So the results of those are Pony by Genuine, soundly defeated all my life by Casey and Jojo.

And no... I'm glad I predicted that again. No, digity by Black Street. Very, very narrowly defeated. Don't want to miss a thing by Aerosmith. By Margin. That's in 25 votes. Mm-hmm.

So we got no diggedy. No doubt. Pony, you talk about a throw-down, son. I mean, my prediction, I'm taking pony in that one, but. Absolutely. But no digity, no, that's a good match-up. No doubt. So now I've got to open up the bangers bracket.

Yeah. Which my phone is doing presently. It's going to space. Last we left off, it was, what was it? It was obviously the ignition remix versus. Against What's Your Fantasy? Yep. By Luda.

Which we said was going to be the game of the week. Get Low by Liljohn up against Hayyah by Outcast. Get Low pulled that one off by more than 50 votes. So get low by Liljohn, defeated Hayyah by Outcast and moved on the semifinals against. What's your fantasy? by Ludacris, which beat the ignition remit. Number three, upset and one seven. Uh-huh, and that was.

A number three upset. Yeah, we never, I did not ever see that shit coming. I thought Ignition Remix was a foregone conclusion for the, uh, at least the final game. Yeah. Yeah. But no. So we got get low up against what's your fantasy. That's also a throwdown.

Yep. Two good throwdowns in the semifinals boys. I mean, I got to give it to you son. I feel pretty good behind it turned out. Y'all seated them grown. So when you're putting this podcast out? Wednesday. It'll be too late for people to vote.

Oh, shit. Not on the final. Not on the final, though. But the brackets, I'm glad you brought that up. Everybody, if y'all are listening, y'all probably been voting, I hope, I think. The finals, because it's two different brackets, the finals won't be on the same link. I'm going to do the finals. I'm going to do the finals.

Yeah. Via tweets. We're going to do a tweet poll for the final matchup between the winners. of each bracket because I couldn't make it to where those came together. I had to make one bracket separate for each of them. So we're doing the finals on Twitter.

So when y'all are listening to this, well damn, this don't hit. We'll just update you on Twitter, I guess, because when y'all are listening to this. I could just put this bitch out tonight. No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying by the time they're listening to it, it'll be over.

Yeah. But you can do an addendum. Put it out tonight. but if you put it out tonight then there's still it that ain't going to change that yeah but they can vote in it when they hear this they'll go vote and then yes pretty soon it'll be time to vote on the final too if they put it out if we put out tonight yes they can still go vote on it that's what i was saying well yeah but my man's all right got to do that we got to early flight in the morning you have a fuck i'll put it out i'll put out right now okay what that well all right dude by the time most people see it it'll still the thing will almost be over you ain't got to do that And also this part should probably be cut out. See, here's the thing. If I do it, then I don't have to cut this out. Well, fuck it.

It'll be harder to cut this out. Okay. My hands do it. Okay. Let my people go. If you hear it is, go vote. Unless it's afternoon on Monday, in which case. That's when it ends?

Actually, it's three Eastern. Yeah. So as long as it's before three Eastern go vote. I just couldn't stand on that being in vain. It wouldn't have been in vain. Can you extend it by a day? No. No, I made that bracketing and that link is what it is.

Look how goddamn big my stomach is right now. It's set. It's speckled too. It looks like a robin egg. It does. It is speckled. Oh, God damn it, it does. I look like Santa.

No. No. Well, but I mean, Santa fat and he wear red. Okay. I mean, I'm cool to not look like Santa. I'm just surprised you didn't go with that. I see the red in the belly. What else is there to Santa?

I don't know. A lot. Beer. He got a white beer. Not when Santa Claus is coming to town. The first one, he had red, he had a red beard and he had red hair, given I have neither of those either. But I'm saying when he was a young dude, this could be a young Santa on his way up. You know what I'm saying?

Like open mic Santa. You could be a young Santa. You know what? You could be a young Santa on his way up. Thank you. That's all I'm saying. Is that a thing? No. Hold up.

Hold up. What you mean it ain't a thing. I ain't never Santa ain't a goddamn thing So I'm saying If we're invented Yes it is I think they're just a one

Santa Is that what you're saying? Wait yes it is the thing though I know we invented him But we invented a thing You're allowed to change it You're allowed to Hold on

I'm currently inventing Come up Santa That's fine You're acting like We're acting ridiculous Because we're like That ain't a thing Your response

It's fair if you can say I'm making it a thing But in mine it was like In the world of Santa's Like Okay We're in the Santa world down.

You know the movie the Santa Claus, how the Santa actually changed when that one would die or something and then another Santa would take over?

Yeah, but you'd be old immediately. I know, but in that movie, Tim Allen, he didn't know it at the time, but he was the Santa Claus

on the come up. You know what I'm saying? He weren't really on a come up, though. So like I know and understand that. I knew that's where your head was at.

Okay. It's not like that is a universally established part of Santa lore, though. I thought I explained it well enough

to where you just buy in. So when he said, is that a real thing? I was like, no. It's not. Because it's not because it's not. It's objectively not. But when I said to that, you got defensive and you're still defensive.

Corey's over here like, bullshit, man. They got to start somewhere. You just admitted you made it up. Yeah, but like, again, this is canon. This is canon. It's not. It's not. Who gets to decide.

Who decides what Santa Canada is? Not you. Okay, but who though? Who decides what Santa is? Hold on. Culture. Well, I'm going to make a goddamn movie where there's come up, Santa.

And then it's possible that that would happen. Santa Canon. Yeah, you can make Santa Canon. It's way better than Nick Cannon. Just shooting Santa's at y'all's ass. That's a Santa Canon, baby. They actually made that movie. That Santa horror movie.

It's like a B-grade scary movie. And he kills people. It's funny. It's funny as shit. What's it called? I don't remember. I don't hit. Wait, you're talking about from like back in the day?

Yeah, I was in the 80s. Black Christmas or something like that? That sounds like a very different. Right. Well, here we are. I got clean slated by Santa shit. I don't know. What was y'all talking about?

I'm sorry, I fucked it up. What are y'all getting me for Christmas? Your belly. You're talking about your belly. Oh, yeah, I'm fat and I don't hit. Santa on the come up. I don't know. I hadn't thought about what do you want.

I hadn't got anybody anything for Christmas yet. Me either. Andy's working at the mall so maybe she can. I got her Christmas ticket. Christmas ticket. What? I got her tickets for Christmas. She knows or whatever.

Plus, she don't listen this podcast. How about for Christmas for us three, we all just do a funny thing to the other person? Like a Christmas prank? Like a poem? Yeah, I was the last thing, like a funny poem. I'll send you a funny, hidden poem. Oh.

But yeah, also, yeah, let's prank somebody. You just want to try to write you a poem. I was actually wanting you to write it because that would make more sense, like, for Christmas to me. Yeah. Like the end of the year. I like Christmas. I'd rather not commit to doing Christmas poems for each other, though.

on the area. I was trying to save us the whole we just literally all said I hadn't got anybody anything for Christmas I was just being like hey we could just not do that but he would rather buy something

than make you something from his heart oh yeah I forgot about you I mean with the amount of time we got left yeah before Christmas and all the shit we got going on I ain't trying to write a poem

I'll write you a poem I'll write you a poem God fucking damn it are y'all both going to write poems yeah God fucking damn it I was the night before I write a poem every morning

It was the night before I put out this podcast and all through my hotel, Trey had made me sad because he ain't going to write me a goddamn poem. There you go. That's yours. Tell you've made me feel. Yeah. That was, well, Merry Christmas, everybody.

The searing accuracy of that piece was its most. And God bless us, everyone. No, we didn't got to write poems. That's fine. We could also maybe take a funny picture. You know what I mean? Like, it's less worse. I think I could do that.

Yeah. He's just going to send us a picture of his asshole. Damn it. I ruined your... Not that night. Yeah. Oh shit. Let's paint your asshole up like a Christmas wreath.

That would have the tray. We're going to need keytips. Yeah? And, you know, I mean, paint. Yeah. But like butthole paint. I don't know what Jesus is. Yeah.

I'm fine with that. That's what you're trying to do. We're making butthole wreaths. Wait, I just thought of something. Can we pause this? No. Just pause it for one second. Bair!

I could not. My brain wouldn't have been able to keep going. Sorry, well, Red listeners. I had to... Panic attack. Yeah, I had to talk to everybody about the 12 days of Christmas. What's that?

Why is that, by the way? That song is so weird. Was that just like, they found out Hanukah had eight, and they were like, we'll show you. We got twice. Wait, for real. And I preface it.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. No. I guess I always just assumed it was somehow Bible related or something. I bet it is. No, they just care about the one day. I mean, you know.

I bet it has something to do with the Three Wise Men or something shit. I'm sure. I'm sure that was their journey. It was 12 days. It took them to get to. I thought they came from a faraway land. They did come from a far away. I could take 12 days.

No, that would take like 50. Well, yeah. How far is far away, though? You know what I mean? When everything takes. 10 days. Yeah, back then. Back then, right.

Yeah, that's true. Like what our far away is, you know. You think it'd take 12 days to ride from St. Louis to Kansas City. Oh, here it is. Back then far away is. And it does have to do with the three wise men, but it's not how long their journey was. It is supposedly the number of days between Christ's birth and when they arrived. They got there when he was 12 days old and gave him to get him.

I just always assumed it was like It wasn't that night I thought they showed up right Like the night of No I guess that's right They had to clean up the blood Why What

Go ahead But Christmas Christmas supposed to be his birthday Right Yes And that is the day he was Showed up on January 6th

January 2nd 6th Jesus Christ That's a long time for Joseph But that ain't 12 days 12 days from 25th is 37 No 37 days

till January 6th? 25 plus 12 is 37. So it would be December 37th. So, yeah, January 5th. The 31 days in December. I know I was the 32nd. The 32nd would be January 1st. The 25th is the first day.

Okay. I got it. Whatever. I understand. You're right. I was off. I'm number dumb. Joseph and Mary was just alone for 12 days with the baby.

I bet Joseph was saying, what Trey just said, just math. Didn't hit. He was just sitting there a whole time Just like An angel Didn't know

I'm not sure Then finally Three wise man hooked him up I just I always brought him some gold It was one of their kids Clearly

It was their dad's kid Here's some gold God damn it Don't tell nobody What You You seem like You also thought

It was the night of I guess I wasn't too married to it I mean I'm church dumb I'd always thought it was they searched for 12 days and happened to get there. Actually, yeah, that is what I thought. That's 100% what I thought.

I knew, like, I, wait, so y'all both knew they searched for 12 days but didn't think that when at first I said, at first I said, I didn't know. And then I was thinking about it. And I was like, wait, it has something to do with the wise men. That's all I knew. It had something to do with the wise men. And my assumption was, yes. I didn't know that it was 12 days.

It's just, that's the theory I posited once I found out about, I was like, what's the 12 days of Christmas? But my thing was, I did know that they journeyed, but I thought they journeyed and, like, nailed it. If I'm honest, and I'm sure a listener would call me out if I didn't call myself out right here, he just said that a minute ago, and I agree with him. I don't think I'd ever thought that on my own. Yeah, this is kind of fucking me up a little bit.

I don't know what I've ever believed. Yeah, I don't know what I've ever believed either, Trey. What have you ever believed? I believed it was the day of, and I was wrong. Yeah, well. But I just found out. This is another one of your church lessons. All the things you believe, they're fucking wrong.

Yeah, I know. If I may for a second, none of this shit happened. but Well Jesus was a real person Right Yeah but it wasn't no God damn wise man and shit Doing all this mystical bullshit

Yeah anybody shows up And just give somebody gold As dumb as fuck When they're born Yeah A baby Again it was his kid That was child support

Right That was hush money And Joseph took it Wasn't they from The Orient The wise men The magi They were

Yes Were they for real They were from the Orient Yeah They were like What? They were magi. The magi's from a region that like...

So that's a... So that shit? The magi ain't a rabic? Yes, but it's like... It's right up against... Look at the map. I'm confusing myself. I don't know about that.

They were from the Orient. That's how the song went. We three men from Orient are... But I don't know if Orient just means China back then. That's what I'm trying to figure out. That's okay. Man.

Magi denotes fathers of Zoroastranesit. Jesus. Zoroastrianism. Yeah, that's a type of Judaism, isn't it? Okay, I'm still reading. I'm definitely wrong. Isn't it, though? Western Asia and Eastern Mediterranean is where they were biggest during the time of Jesus.

Okay, so that's not the Oregon. Western Asia? Western Asia is the Western part of Russia is Western Asia. But that's still the Orient. The Orient Express goes across all of Asia. Ain't that what the Orient means? Or does it just mean? Chinese. I don't think it does. Actually, I mean, yeah, you're right. I don't know what the

Orient means. I don't know. Yeah, man, I guess I'm a fucking idiot and I just one time heard a racist song about the Wise Man and believed it. All countries in Asia, especially Eastern Asia. You said Western Asia a minute ago, though. I know. But all countries in Asia are the Orient, but especially Eastern Asia. I guess in my mind, I was thinking just East. Exclusively. And you know what? That sounds like one of those things where the definitions probably changes over time. Orient probably used to mean all countries in Asia, and then people used it as a racial slur.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. This all checks out to me. Yes. Yeah. As a matter of fact, I bet a lot, that's exactly what happened. Right.

100%. Oh, man. I'm glad we solved that. Yeah. Good job, boys. Nice work. Yeah. So we have figured it out, everybody.

You guys heard it here first. Throwing your dick around. That's what Jesus' real father was doing when he brought gold and told Mary to shut her fucking mouth. Yep. Thank you all for listen to the well-read show. We'd love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Tune it next week if you got nothing to do.

Thank you, Oriental and nice. Skew. We're the liberal rednecks we like cornbread and butt sex. We like some painful upset. No, no, no, we care so much, but yet, don't give a fuck. Don't give a fuck. Liberal rednecks That makes some people upset

We got three big old dicks They can suck. Then we're all throwing around. Throw your dick around. We're the three wise, man. We're the three wise man. channel.