wellRED podcast - #99 - Westbound and Down: Drew Morgan Moves To Hollywood

Episode Date: January 9, 2019

Hello wellREDDERS! In this episode Drew fills the CHO in on his cross country trip from East Tennessee to North Hollywood w/ his wife and their good buddy Mick Jager Pup. As you can imagine, there was heartache as well as triumph! Also the CHO has an interesting Air BNB but is too stupid to realize it! wellredcomedy.com smokeyboysgrilling.com

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion, because used to you, you like had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie. I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the ske universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year?

Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low mane? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better. and it's called Rocket Money.

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I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before,

but I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friend's faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball-looking twin fellas. Yeah, so that was money.

What was that in response to? What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out.

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They're the. What's going on everybody? It's your boy, the show, well read comedy.com. W-E-L-R-E-D comedy.com. Spelled just like the podcast. That's where you can go. Find where we're going to be. We're starting the 2019 tour back up.

in San Francisco, California. On February 9th, we're going to be all over the place. We're taking January off to work on some cool projects that we can't wait to bring you. This portion of the podcast is always brought to you by Smokey Boys Grilling. Go to Smokey Boysgrilling.com to get all the rubs for all you meats and carvevodka.com to get drunk like the show and check out Jacksonville's first and only craft vodka distillery. Skew. What's up, Drew?

Hey, man. We're here. Here we are. Here we are. I can't even do. Here we are. We're here we are. That's right, son.

You can't do what I do. You remember that. I'm sure he'll listen to this. We are Sands Trey today. I'm not, I can't say why, but he's off doing a cool thing. Sands Trey.

Sands Trey. That sounds like something. Yeah, like a font that I would hate. Uh-huh. Yeah. So we're, it's a fine that always yells at you. Yeah, yeah.

It's all caps. It correct. It auto-corrects itself. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It only, it's only, it's only in words that are, 12 characters or more long. Well, we don't have trade today.

He was doing a cool thing. Me and Drew are here in the writer's room. And it's ABC Disney. Is that what the studio is called? I think so. Or Disney ABC. It's the Disney lot. We're not in a studio right now.

Right. So we're just on the Disney lot. ABC Disney is a studio company. But I don't think that's where we're at. Well, I just really... How long have we been at six months? I don't know where the fuck we are. We're on the Disney lot.

Okay, we're on the Disney lot here working on, you know, it's no secret anymore. We're working on our show. And good day. With the ABC. We had a good day today. We'd have a good day. Without Trey. Yeah.

Can't believe it. Got a lot done. God damn it. He's not even hearing when all we can do is talk about him. I know. We're codependent. Well, so we're here, and we're here in sunny California. Well, not sunny California this week, but we're here in California where Drew, you just moved.

I moved out here. You did. We just got back from our. respective Christmas breaks. What the other? So you spent, you're pretty much whole Christmas break. Trying to get the fuck out here?

No. We left the Friday after Christmas. Is that right? Yeah, the Friday after Christmas, which was the 28th. You left the 28th and you got, you were here the fuck. And how long are I here the fourth or fifth.

God damn. Mr. Butt. Monshire. Monshire. You guys can't see it with that fart was wearing sunglasses. It is. Because we're in Los Angeles.

His first appearance in 2019, mon show deriel shows up. So it took you fucking... I mean, there's Mr. Butt in L.A. is he like cooler. He's just butt. Mr. with his father's down. Exactly. Yeah, that's butt.

That's gender fluid butt. Yeah, it was some fluid butt. So it took you seven, it only took you seven days to get out here? I mean, it's really just a four or five day drive, but then you take your time. And we did take our time. Yeah, because y'all did a bunch of shit. We did, but we had a moving van. So the original plan, this is funny.

I rented a minivan drunk and forgot. And that was only $700. But for real? I didn't have to pay it because you know how sometimes on kayak you can pay now and it's cheaper? Yes. And sometimes either you can and you don't or maybe you just can't. Maybe. I believe you.

Sometimes when you're in a car, you don't actually have a contract until you show up. Is that a kayak specific thing? No. I think that the reason that some car. companies do that is so if they don't have a car when you get there, then they're not obligated. They're not obligated. But we didn't actually have a contract.

We just both agreed to agree. You can't sue them or whatever. You can't sue them. They don't actually owe you a car. But if you don't show up, which I didn't. They didn't charge me. Insane. I was freaking out.

I definitely, to me, I would think that they would be like, we're going to charge him to $700. If he can test it, we'll give it back to him. Anyway, I was going to get a phone. I just, I'm very. I couldn't believe there was at least $100 charge too. Yeah, because to me, like, whenever a company seems to do the right thing,

I'm like, okay, well, what happened here? Well, that's how I figured out the other thing. Because I have, we were at a place. Remember we were at an airport, and there was that older dude, just furious that didn't have his car. And he kept saying what I thought was a practical thing. He wasn't yelling, but he was like, okay, so, but here's, I rented a car.

Yeah, yeah. And you guys said there was a car, and now I'm here at a place for cars. And you don't have any cars. Yes, how'd they remember this? And then they were like, we don't have any cars. And so he, like, came over to wherever we were renting, and they were like $400 that day, you know. Yeah. It was furious. As he should be.

I have decided that that's what it is. Like, my quasi-label mind is that that's how they can get away with that. Right. But that means if I don't show up to rent their fucking car, they can't charge me. Okay. So I didn't show up to rent her fucking car. I mean, that is nice to know. The way I found out was I got here.

and I got a notification that says your minivans do back tomorrow. And I was like, what the fuck? So I was real scared. Anyway, we got a moving truck instead of that. The reason why,

we'd gone back and forth on it. We didn't move out here with any cars. We gave my old 86, 84, whatever the fuck it was, Ranger, to my nephews. It's going to be their first truck. The oldest one's 13. So, you know,

that's about driving age where we're from. Absolutely. And then we gave Andy's old piece of shit. It was a great car. far as the engine, but we'd beat it to death. We gave it to my niece. Well, she's my cousin. I call her my niece.

You know, she got a couple kids. I just thought that Carlos Miller joke. My sister. Her kids. They're living with us. They're living with us. Their dog, you know, the dog's got a couple kids. They're living with us.

Go check out, the random plug here. Go check out Carlos Miller on Twitter if you really want to laugh your goddamn ass off. Carlos Miller's a black comedian in that, and that's relevant because in that particular joke, he's talking about when you get into a conversation. conversation with a white person and they tell you way too much information about their life because they're too friendly yeah yeah they're too fucking nice uh anyway where was that oh so we're like all right we're not going to drive a car across the country we'll figure that out rent a minivan decided not to do that forgot i had done it drunk on christmas night that's when i did it i did it christmas night

and we've all been there drunk drunk on christmas getting a van i'll show you i'll get a goddamn van right now and uh uh i rented a moving van and uh i rented a moving van and from budget. Where was I going on with this? I was just saying that you got here in fucking five or six days. Oh, we didn't do as much as we were planning on it

because we were in that moving van, but we still tried to do stuff and it actually became kind of funny. I'll give it that one second. I was just going to say, because this is kind of sweet. The reason we got the moving van, Andy's mom got her,

gave her, gifted her, Andy's Mammoth table. Oh, like an heirloom situation. Yes. but then we had to get it out here. Yeah. You know. Yeah.

The gift that keeps on giving. Right. Thanks for the table. Now we can't fly. Well, the table was up in stores. We could have left it. Sure. It was, Andy, was like, no, I want it, you know.

So this thing cost you about $1,800? No, there was other reasons to move. Right. Like, we could bring stuff that we were going to get rid of. Sure. We didn't have to replace it, blah, blah, blah. And I was just like, fuck it. We'll get a moving van.

It'll be easier. I have to pack in the minivan. I mean, you know, it was still packed because the moving truck has three seats. We had the dog in the middle. Mick hated it. Oh, you don't say. Yeah. Yeah, and not for nothing also, you know, a trip across the country when you're not having to stop and do stand-up every two days.

I don't know. That's probably pretty fun. I hadn't done it in forever. It was fun. We stopped the first night we drove straight to Conway, Arkansas. I jokingly tweeted something about, I hope this is where Conway tweet is from. And it turns out he hated his name, looked at a man. and saw Conway, Arkansas, and Tweetie, I want to say Texas, and that is how he came up with

his name. So that was one of those. I was on the road. I had a shiny moment. The fans told me that when I tweeted whatever I was, I tweeted. Wait, is that for real? Yeah. No shit.

Yeah, man, no shit. God damn. I mean, yeah, I mean, Conway Twitter is too. I knew it had to come up with it somehow because Conway twitty is too fucking perfect. So the first thing, though, on the way to Conway, it was cold. We were leaving Tennessee. It was real cold. The heat in the car didn't work.

I literally didn't know that was fucking possible. Like, the car gets hot. from the motor it heats up water in the radiator Make it come here You push that this way Yeah give me that heat Make that water heat come here

Like I get the air conditioner Me too Like it's just blow You gotta something's gotta happen To make it cold Yeah But you don't put heater fluid in your goddamn car

No heater fluid No yeah Just So why can I have the heat I've never thought about that But like how the fuck Could that not happen Well then

Well I figured out before we left And my brother-in-law Had two theories One is... Two theories. When you turn the car over to heat, something has to tell the car you want heat before it allows the heat through.

And it won't do that. And maybe it wasn't doing that. And then the other thing he pointed out was, yeah, it would make, you think it would just, the heat would just come naturally. But there's a firewall in there. Because you don't want to get the fumes. And because if the car blew up,

you wouldn't want that heat coming in. No, that wouldn't head. You know, so something about the vent. I mean, I don't know, dude. You know, like, there's things I can do. do. There's like four things I can do when it comes like mechanical shit and it had nothing to do with heat. Heard that, yeah.

I mean, again, I literally thought this ain't fucking possible. I can jump a car off. That's it. So in Conway, I can put on an alternator I can change a tire. I can change a tire. Anyway, it's oil, oil filter. Don't matter. Point is, look, okay, we all fuck.

We get it. We're in Conway and I call budget and I'm like, it's fucking cold. and my whole thing the whole time was like all right but we're going to be in the desert soon i start looking at weather out in Arizona new mexico it's fucking cold there so now I'm like surprised but also like fuck I got to I got to be in this thing for the next few days and it's cold so I call they tell me where to go whatever that morning I don't know why I got up I put it on heat before I started the

car and then started the car and it worked okay it was like so it had to It was something to do with that censure that my brother-in-law was talking about. Like, the car was not getting the signal that I wanted heat. And then it got the signal after that. Like with everything, it was a communication issue. We had a new problem, though. Oh. We figured out you couldn't turn it off.

Oh, boy. It wouldn't come back on unless you parked, let the car cool down. In other words, it would take hours to get the heat back if you cut the heat off. Right. So when the temperature in the middle of the day would be like 50. we couldn't turn the heat off because we needed a defroster for later that night. I know this story sounds boring,

but you're shivering in a fucking car and your dog looking at you like he hates you. You're like moving your family across country and your options were to freeze to death or to sweat. And it's like the most classic man-woman relationship or man-man-man. One of you wants it one way.

One of you wants it the other way. Yes, I'd prefer to be fucking cold. I'd prefer to be fucking hot. Which one did you want? I want to be hot, cold. All fucking day. I could put clothes on. God damn right.

I can only get so naked. Plus these fucking seats are leather. My ass is going to stick to him. That's going to stink. Nobody's going to be in a good mood. Dude, being in a hot car is the worst. Being a cold car sucks. Also, what's the best thing you ever done when you're cold?

Cool shit. Four-wheel of rides, fucking. Yeah. Hot getting in the pool. That's all the options. We couldn't get in pool. Yeah, or live music. And you got neither.

But even then the heat is an obstacle to overcome. I guess it is in the cold, too. Yeah. Whatever. It don't matter. It don't hit. The dog was on my side. Right.

Yeah, I know that's right. He got hair. Yeah. He's, so is you and the dog versus Andy. So we lost. Right. And so we're just burning up. No, here was the other thing.

I did that to be for a joke. I bought Andy an electric blanket that would plug in in the lighter before I figured the heat out. They have those? Mm-hmm. No shit. At truck stops. That would have worked. She would have been happy, not happy, but she would have been fine with that.

We also needed the heat to defrost the fucking windshield. Right. We literally couldn't drive. Where are you at? especially because we figured it out in Arkansas but then that whole day from Arkansas to Oklahoma and Texas was that battle. Do we want it hot and we want it cold? Blah, blah, blah, blah. But then

we hit a snowstorm on the way to fucking New Mexico. We decided that our first detour would be to Las Vegas, New Mexico, which is close to Santa Fe. It's like a smaller town with a little bit more charmed in Santa Fe. We were going to do both. It turns out we would have to. had to do that detour anyway. It's right before you get in Albuquerque, you dip up, you dip north into the mountains.

Everybody had to go that way because a fucking snowstorm, the biggest one in like five years was dumping on Albuquerque and they literally shut the interstate down. Well, that fucking sucks. Well, we were going that way anyway, but now we had to go that way with traffic. Traffic basically goes through Santa Fe and then back down the mountain. We veer off the right to go to Las Vegas, New Mexico. There's no more salt on the road. I'm in a two-wheel drive moving van with my family and everything I own in the back,

driving through a snowstorm in the dark up a mountain to go to a quaint little town so I can have a nice breakfast in the morning. I'm stressed the fuck out. We get to the town, it's six inches of snow on the ground. And my thing was, okay. What the fuck is the point of New Mexico in the desert if you're going to get snow? Buddy, that's it. Because, like, all right, I wasn't expecting it to be that cold, but I know it gets cold at night. Where's all the precipitation coming from?

Exactly. Cactus is snow. Yeah. It's bullshit. It's fucking horseshit. Imagine living there. And you got to put it with cactuses you're around. Like, I don't want to shit on the...

Fucking tumbleweed with ice crystals rolling through. Yeah, I don't want to shit on the whole four-corner states that embody the desert there. But like, what the fucking is the point of y'all if it's also going to snow? That don't hit. No, it don't hit. No. So anyway. We're driving through town in a moving van, sliding.

Not that much that day, but it don't hit. And then we get at the hotel. Can't find a fucking place to park a 25-foot moving van. Yeah, in this quiet little town. Literally parked it across five spaces in front of a business that wasn't going to be open the next day because it was Sunday. And also because there was a foot of snow on the fucking ground. We stay at this nice little hotel where they stayed at to make no country for old men.

And a few of the scenes were shot there. Well, that part is cool. It was super cool. But knowing that they picked that location to shoot, you know, one of the most depressing cold. Brother movies. Was that the vibe of the town? Like you kind of wanted to shoot yourself in the head with a goddamn cow gun?

I don't think so... Pap all Batman's weapon of choice, by the way. Right. I don't think so every other day of the year. Right. But the day that I was there, turns out, yeah. Because, like, all right, we went to this one restaurant that had great reviews and was still open until midnight.

And it was 10, and they were closed. So we ate dominoes that night. Okay. I ate the whole pizza. Like Andy had like three pieces. I ate the rest of it. Just like, we were stress eating. Went to sleep pretty early.

Woke up, had a good breakfast. All right, we're going to go over to Santa Fe. Some of the roads have been salted. Once we got out of the town, it's fine. We went to a fucking hot springs. It was magical. But in the background of this hot springs was this like castle looking thing. And there was a sign that said,

College of the World, I think. That sounds like some Scientology shit. It wasn't Scientology, but I'm pretty sure it was just. just as evil. Oh, for real? Because we go to these hot springs that are right off the side of the road that we just Andy have found on the map or whatever. And we're just chilling with these locals.

No, they weren't locals. A dude owned land there, but he's from L.A. I don't fucking know. He was telling us that Prince Harry either went to that school or also helps run it. It's somehow connected to British royalty. It's a school that trains the future leaders of the world, supposedly. And it's there. It's there, and they're not allowed to interact with the locals.

Like, literally the future leaders of the world are allowed to speak with the common man, according to this guy. Right. Me and Andy looked it up. On the internet, it said no one there pays full tuition, so they're trying to say that it's for poor kids who want to be leaders. And then it listed some of their famous alumni. I didn't recognize any of them, but it would be like, you know, this particular politician who wasn't a president. It was like lower level. This person runs the center for blah, blah, blah.

blah, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Like, they're famous people. People that hit, but like, you don't, you're right. You don't know about them. So I still don't know, but it sure fucking looked evil. He said that they weren't allowed to interact with the locals. What's their thought?

Like, if you can fucking make it through this piece of shit, you can lead the goddamn world? I mean, it was a beautiful school. And you're an hour from Santa Fe. I don't know. Here's my thing. Like, when he first said that, I was like, that fucking checks out. I mean, you know me. God damn fucking, you want to be a leader of the world, but you know that I'll talk to the

common man but then we got me and he got to talk about that guy he's not from there he owns land there he also owns 10 acres outside of l a he's rich yeah like where did he get that opinion from maybe the homeless guy who was talking to him when we rocked up because there was just a homeless man taking a bath there in the goddamn hot springs which hell yeah for me well yeah we're i mean that's that's his bath dude yeah he was funny as fuck yeah he was a local his name was jimmy he apologized to us for because he was taking a bath no he was there for an hour running his mouth about these and I'm just quoting him

Mexican Indians since what he was calling him who beat him up but because he laughed at him when they did it they thought he was cool and they got drunk with him yeah

that's a good move so he told that story and then apologized to us for not talking to us and then left anyway then we went to Santa Fe same thing

snow you're going to love this we went to stay at the place called the The green sage in in in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Andy saw sage and it was over. Don't fucking stay there, okay?

Here's what happened. I go there. I got this moving truck. It's big. I see on the internet what price I can get there and I like it and it's close to downtown. We're going to try to get tickets that night to see shaky graves. Shit, yeah. And we didn't get him.

Of course. I hit up Tracy. She hit up that goose manager. That is manager in the rainforest. So, yeah. Doing what? Who knows? Just not hitting for me.

Right. Just like that restaurant that was closed, son. I wanted a thing. Yeah. God damn. So the price is good. I rock up. I'm like, hey, I saw this price on the internet.

I like this price, but I got this moving truck. And the girl goes, that's fine. I go, you got parking spots big enough for that? And she goes, no, but it's fine if you park across two of them. Mr. Butt. That's butt. Butt. Butt.

Butte. DJ Butt. Damn, butt's coming into his own. Oh, yeah, buddy. Man after his own father's heart, fart. Fart. Man after my own fart. So you're it.

So I'm like, all right. I book it online. Using like their website or like. No, because she says I can't match that price. Just do that. Okay. Someone comes over and is like, who's moving truck is at? I'm like, it's mine.

And he's like, I don't think we can accommodate that. And if we can, that's an extra $50. Oh, boy. I know how you are in this moment. I mean, at that point I was calm. I was like, oh, she just told me. Not that. And she was like, yeah, I'm sorry.

I didn't know that. She was new. Which I'm thinking, he's going to be like, oh, our employee made a mistake. And you get the benefit of that. Yeah. And by the way, that's how it fucking should be. And he's like, well, I don't know. It's $50.

And I'm like, okay, but I just booked a room based upon bad information. And that changes the price significantly. I feel like you should do the right thing here or whatever. And he's like, I don't know what to tell you. It's $50. And I'm like, he's like, you don't have to stand. stay here and I'm like, I booked it on line. Not being very sage.

My money back. But I did that because of y'all, you know. He's like, well, call him. I'll talk to them. I'm like, what? He's like, call him and I'll get your money back. I'm like, you'd rather talk to somebody on the internet.

This is worth $50. And I guess his response could have been like, is it worth $50 of you? And of course, my response would be like, yeah. You know what? It's 25. which makes it even more ridiculous on both our parts. Yeah, now, but see, okay, now normally,

all right, if I was with Amber, me and Amber were in this situation and she was like, I'd be like, fuck it, it's $25, I don't give a shit, just you'll shut up, everybody'll shut up, we'll get here, but like, now I'm with you. I'm with you on like, the $25 is more ridiculous on his behalf than yours. Well, also, I knew that part was right. The other thing that happened to me was this conversation, I mean, you know, I'm running through what happened,

but I've been there for five minutes. I am being nice. She agrees with me. Everyone who can hear me is like expecting this dude to wave it. And he's like, no, we're not waving it. And I'm just like, I'm not paying it. Fuck you. You know?

But you're going to help me get my money back. He's like, fine, I'll help you get your money back. And now I'm like, well, I dared you. All right, you're helping me get my money back. This is going to go, right? So I call hotels tonight, go through that bullshit. He literally gets on the phone with him on my phone. Then they say, we have to call you to make sure you're this guy.

or whatever. Like call the hotel number? They do that. Ask for him. He gets in the phone. He tells them he's not waiving my $25. For no reason. And that he don't care if they like, they're like, because they, you know, when I called

him, explaining the situation, they're like, we got your back. Let me talk to him, blah, blah, blah. That guy gets back on the phone me. His name was Roberto. And I will never forget how this went down. I'm sitting there. I'm talking to Roberto. Roberto goes, look, I'll put a $25 voucher on your hotels tonight account.

you pay the man you stay there I put a $25 voucher on it that's how you get your money back okay I don't like that he doesn't

you know but fine whatever I don't like how I'm getting my way but I'm glad that I'm kind of I got the phone I put it down like you know it's like still it's by my mouth I didn't hang up I'm just like hey Brian that was his name Brian the green sage in if you guys go there tell Brian

I said kiss my ass say hey Brian I basically said Hotels and Night says it's their fault. They're going to cover the $25. So I'll take it. He's talking to, he was talking, like he was helping.

He wasn't even working on whoever the customer was there. The girls who worked the front desk where he's a manager. He says he looks at me like sideways. Like, are you shitting me? And he's like, I'm with another customer. And I go, I hear you, man. I'm just letting you know they said they'd pay for it. I need to know you're cool with that.

And he said, I haven't even been outside. I don't even know if we can fit your truck out there. Oh, so now it ain't even the $25. It's me. Yeah. It's me. It was me the whole time. It was you the whole time.

And I was mad about that because the other girl loved me. Like, the girl who made the mistake was like, I'm so sorry. She was telling me places to go eat. You know what I mean? Like, I wasn't in a bad mood or being a dick. So he says that. I've got the dude on the phone. And I go, Brian, do you?

want me to stay here? You don't want me to stay here, do you? And he, like, rolls his eyes, you know, all snappily or whatever, and he says, like, I'm sorry to the customer. He wasn't fucking talking to. And he looks over at me, and he's like, of course, of course I want you to stay here, sir. I'm just not sure if we can accommodate your vehicle. You have come in here in a moving vehicle and just expect us to bend over backwards to

accommodate you. And I go, no, I asked if I could park here, and she told me I could. and then I just go, and I still got him on the Roberto on the phone, and I just go, it's fine, Brian. I'm going somewhere else. You clearly don't want me to stay here. And I say, I'm saying this very loud, but not in a dick way, just loud. Now there's like a line of customers.

And I go, you're just really shitty at your job, and I hope you get better at it. For your sake and the hotel's sake, as I'm walking out, the few customers who knew when I was talking about there are laughing. The other customers are like, what the fuck's going on? But because customers are laughing are like, I guess Brian sucks. And Roberto goes, and. By the way, Roberto, it's like that movie.

So you're still on the phone? Yeah, he's been on the phone me the whole time. What's that movie that's out? Bootsie Collins made it. Oh, shit, I don't know. Not Bootsie Collins. I'm such an idiot. I was about to say, I mean, I know Tulsa's on the tour bus.

His name is Boots. God damn. I'm such an idiot. I'm so bad with names. There's a fella named Boots made a movie. I feel like I'm fucking it up in a way. No, it's good. No, it's good.

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Terms apply. See Capital One. com slash bank for details capital one and a member fdic buddy you just clean slate of me with lekeith richards because now i'm sitting here thinking of like spanish versions of fucking dead or uh rolling stone songs oh my god it's the movie about the people who work in a call center oh shit i know who you're talking i know what movie you're talking about uh uh lekeith stanfield lekeith stanfield is the star of that yeah yeah the movie the director has boots in his name yeah i believe that's not the fucking point I believe it.

The fucking point of that is in that movie, they have their white person voice. Yeah, yeah. So I've been on the phone with Roberto the whole time. Sorry for bothering you is the movie. And he's been giving me the sorry for bothering you voice. I say that. I walk out and he goes,

Hey, Drew. That was the coolest fucking shit I ever heard, man. Hell yeah. And he goes, listen, I don't know what. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm just going to give you your money back and put $25 in your account. My man. You made money.

I did. And then I went and stayed at the most of the money. Motel 6 and got very lucky because it's apparently I found this out later. Because you didn't get stabbed at a motel 6? Well, I found out later it's the only Motel 6, according to whoever I talked to, I'm sure this is true. That's not owned by the chain. They licensed it back in the day and they still have a right to it.

But anyway, it's nice. I would. It was decent. Right, for a Motel 6. We didn't get to go to the show, though. We went to bed. Because of the rainforest. Yeah, because of the rainforest.

Yeah. We went to bed early. We woke up. now we're going to go I didn't I didn't feel right Mr. Butt what are you doing in L.A.? That's like

that's the year that in L.A. where you get a Coke addiction and you think you're at to move back home That was that butt. That's where Bud is right now. Yeah, that was that butt. Yeah, he's about to suck dick for Coke. He's had some failed pilots

and he's just like, I don't know, man, I'm still trying it. So, all right, that I'm going to have to wipe a little bit, but so you get to the motel 6 you didn't get stabbed and we're going to go into the grand canyon yeah i was wondering when we got to the grand canyon because i know you did that and when i tell you you you think you've been through it and you think you've been through a snowstorm in a moving van on your way to las vegas the shitty one actually it was probably the better one

and you think that that part's behind you and you think i can't believe we went through a snowstorm in the desert and that's over and then on the way to the grand canyon We didn't know it. There's two ways to get to Grand Canyon, and one road is, I guess, more common than others, and therefore, apparently, was more salted. We got back in the middle of a goddamn torrential snowstorm. No shit.

If the one before was Las Vegas, New Mexico had a snowstorm, and then we got there later, and that sucked, this was, we're driving through the middle of one. Can't see the salt stain in my windshield. What's your heat situation? Hot as fuck. Yeah. It's just,

snow, all the negative parts of snow. I can't see. It sucks, except for the cold part, but I'm in hell. Imagine being hot in a fucking snowstorm and you're driving. Don't hit. And we made a reservation. He just gave up. I don't even know if they heard that.

That was the shittiest fart. Not literally. No, mine was the shittiest fart, I think. Man, we hadn't farted on the podcast in like 19 podcasts. We didn't farted five times. That's how we're feeling, dude. That is Trey. He's not here.

His presence. He's coming out. Yeah, he's coming out anyway. So you're in a fucking snowstorm on your way to one of the seven, is it, is it, is Gruncanianian one of the seven wonders of the world? You better be. Yeah. How stupid am I right now that I don't know that?

There's natural wonders and then there's man-made wonders. Like the Jesus thing. And it's definitely one of the seven natural wonders of the world. And then like the gardens of Babylon or the pyramids and anyway, run our way, unbeknownst to us, we go on the least free. Franklin Road. We do eventually get a snowplow comes up behind us. I pull over, let him go by me

and get behind that dude. It's the government shutdown weekend, Corey. Oh yeah? Dude, Trump fucked you. So we get to the National Forest that leads in the Grand Canyon. The snowplow just stops. And here's what's hilarious about that.

We're in the middle of the desert at this point. The snowplow, we did go by some houses and whatnot. But for 20 miles, there's been nothing. And this is the only road. there's no reason for him to go that 20 miles unless he's going to lead you to the Grand Canyon. Right. He turns around right before you get to the National Forest.

There's not even a real turnaround spot. Like, did he find out about the government shut down as he was driving? It was just literally like this is where the state is responsible for the road. And this line right here, that is where the forest starts, is where the federal government's responsible for the road. And fuck them. I don't even, I don't think that definitely not the driver was like, fuck them. I'm not even sure a state worker was like fuck him.

It's just like, in a snowstorm, this is what we do. Right. And someone else takes care of the rest of it. But that fucking person went there, because we have a nightmare in the White House, who's the same color as the goddamn landscape, except not really, because it's white right now, because it's covered in fucking snow. I would be freezing the death, but instead I'm roasting my ass off.

I'm sweating balls. You're in hell. The government shutdown does affect me. Dude. So, like, you know. I'm 20 miles from our air, from our, we got a bread and breakfast. A B&B. A B&B.

Yeah, a land B&B. A land B&B. We've got a land B&B. So, like, not to sidetrack here, but, like, yeah, we all know that, like, you know, we've heard the horror stories over the past couple weeks of, like, you know, it's like in the Great Smoky Mountains, those national parks, like the trash is overflowing and there's fucking fecal matter and shit because nobody's there to clean it up or whatever. But, like, in this instance, the government shutdown is quite literally endangering people's fucking lives.

Well, we could turn it around. Sure, but you had a place to go. But there were other people already up there during the middle of it. Yeah, so they can't get anywhere. And so I'm driving in this thing And now Andy's starting to get real nervous Fairly The roads are covered in one

Dude I'd be a fucking nightmare Right now And I told her if I slide We'll turn around and go back We'll fucking cut a hole Into the trailer So this fucking hell heat We'll get back there

We'll sleep back there I told her if I start sliding I'm not going to push it The road's relatively straight It's up and down There's not a lot of curves We're climbing into the mountain But there's not a lot of curves

Lord son You're making me nervous right now I know you're alive. Also, it's New Year's Eve. Yeah, I don't hit. So this is how I'm spending my New Year's Eve. Yeah. The last thing you do in 2018 is this.

I don't know. I waited at the Grand Canyon in a moving van with my wife and my dog mad at me. God damn, boy. For different reasons. Opposite reasons, really. She's cold, he's hot. You did get to the Grand Canyon, though. We got to our bed and breakfast, and it was,

I mean, it was beautiful. Pristine snow, we pulled it in there. I didn't slide at all. It's like 6, 7 o'clock. It's been dark for 19 hours, but it's still somehow 6 p.m. We call around. It's no secret that your misfortune and dread often hits for me. As bad as I feel for you.

You don't feel bad. Don't lie of these people. I do feel. I'm sick of you, N-Trey line on this podcast. I feel bad. Okay, I feel bad that I don't feel bad about it. Because I vocalize my disdain for the world more frequently than, I mean, to be fair to you and Trey, most people. That's true.

You guys have painted this picture that that's who I am and not who y'all are. Right. As if your favorite thing in the world isn't for me to not hit. Well, and the thing about this is, is like, I would absolutely be in the same mood that you are. It's just that you're the type that will put, you'll go through this. I just wouldn't have done it. I've been like, fuck this. I'm not going to the Grand Canyon.

Fuck that table. It's the thing, Corey. No, that makes me bad. Listen. It was a snowstorm. Everyone was pulling off the interstate and getting hotels. I don't know where we were going to go. We're about to drive back to Texas.

Because I'm not the adventurous type because I'm a put. I wouldn't have been in a situation in first place. Right. Fair. But do you know what I mean? That's mainly where my disdain for myself comes in. If we slide, we'll turn around. But a part of me was like, and go where?

Yeah. To hell? Hot hotels are full. of tourists who have given up. This whole world's full of tourists that ain't just giving up, man. God damn. And whereas, you know, me,

no, I'm fucking going to the Grand Canyon. I'm going to die anyway. Near the Grand Canyon. Yes. Yeah. Throw me in that motherfucker. I'm going to the Dumplin Inn, which is what the land B&B was called.

The Dumplin Inn? It hit, dude. Well, see, now I'd have done that. Shout out. Free plug to the Dumplin Inn. The opposite of Brian and the fucking Sage Inn. Yes. So we get there.

One restaurant's open. We go there. We split a steak. We get those fucking southwestern egg rolls. Did they have dumplings? Dumplin'in's restaurants only in breakfast. Oh, don't hit. It's a B&B.

It's a bed and breakfast. It's not a lunch chair dinner. Mitch Habbberg joke. Oh, yeah, yeah. We go to this restaurant that's attached to a hotel. We could have walked to it. I think we drove, but we could have walked to it because it was a fucking snowstorm. That's why we drove.

Well-red environmentalists. God damn it. Motherfuckers. Thank you for everything, you pieces of shit. One thing I saw, and I'm glad this came up, and I just remembered it. At a bartender there, I didn't bring this up just a shit on you. It is cool, but I'm glad. Not as bald as you.

God, I don't know why. And to your credit, you don't ever really shit on me for being bald too much, because normally I have a hat on. I know what's coming for me, too. Right. Trey is always going to have hair. Yeah. Buddy, I got three more years tops.

Yeah, but like you don't, normally when you shit on me, it's normally not about me being bald, because I'm always wearing a hat. It's never, but for some reason when you said, I'm about to shoot in here, I was like, I don't know why, but I think it's about to be bald. I don't know why. Well, I didn't have to shit on you to be fair, but I have to paint this picture. And what I'm saying is this guy wasn't as bald as you. Was he as fat as me? Yeah, he's fat. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. And, uh, and I believe for a variety of reasons that he was native. American? Yeah, a lot of Native Americans are up. live up there and work up there. A fat, bald, Native American? But, hear me out. You know how you can do the comb over?

Yeah, I can't. And don't hit. Yeah, right. I've done it. Imagine. Okay. If you fashion a comb over Mohawk. Oh, my God.

Andy didn't know he was bald until I pointed it out. It was clear it was thin. Yeah. But she thought he just had a thin mohawk. This dude had taken the horseshoe that is. on someone's head, shaved it up into a point, grown it really long at the top, and then spikes it together.

On both sides? On both sides so that it meets in the middle. Like Moses, like the seas. The opposite of Moses. He brings them together. Amazing. He was awesome. He was funny. Well, you'd have to be. Yeah. In my experience, if you look like...

If you're a 45-year-old Indian working at the Grand Canyon with a fucking foehawk, you're the last of the Fohicans. Yeah. That's fucking solid. The last of the Fohenianian. Hawkins. That's fantastic. We're watching TV, eating our steak, telling him about our day. He's laughing at us, buying his free drinks. I go to find my wallet. I knock it out of my own pocket.

It falls onto the floor. And you know how thin my wallet is. I have a very thin wallet. Corey Atlanta like this and stayed upright. Just like that. Really? And he was like, it's good luck. Your luck has changed. That's the New Year's shit. This is probably racist. I'm sorry, but I was like, you're Indian, I believe you. Yeah, like there was some ancient Indian thing about your wallet landing up right? That's what I was drunk enough and high enough to believe. Went back, we celebrated Jesus Christ. New Year's Eve.

Close. Passed out, you know, had sex, passed out. Hitting. Yeah, you're hitting. When I was the Grand Canyon next day, when I tell you it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Yeah. And it made me emotional. And it turned my cynical heart warm.

I mean, all that. It was stunning. Was it covered, would it have like a light thing of snow on it? did and it was white. Because I've never seen that version of the grand canadian pictures. It was super white at the top and it was red down on bottom and, uh, as a metaphor for social structures and that I don't agree with. Especially around there. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. And I'm such an idiot. I was like, it's so crazy how it's just white on top. Oh yeah, it's warmer down there, you idiot. We're way high up. Yeah. But it looked beautiful. We had a great time. We walked around there. Andy cried like six fucking times. We went out to this one part. Were they all about the Grand Canyon?

Yeah, all of them but one, I think. Right, right, right. No, they all were. We just had a great day. Yeah, that sounds rad. We came down off the mountain. We did hit better weather, and we decided to drive all the way home. Like to TLA.

Yeah. How long is that from Grand Canyon? About eight hours in a moving van. Okay, that ain't shit compared to what you've already done. We were going to get in about 11 midnight. And on the edge of the end. the Moab Desert. It was a gas station.

It was 30 miles to the next one. I had a quarter tank of gas. Ten miles later, the light came on. Here we go. I'm sorry, an eighth of a tank of gas. I don't want to lie. I'll be too dramatic. It was an eighth of a tank of gas.

But an eighth of a tank of gas should last more than 10 miles. Agreed. And it would normally. It was something about that fucking wand. What do you call it? The needle? The needle was off. Yeah.

I don't know. We nearly ran on the gas. We had to go six miles off the interstate into this little fucking Podak town close to needles. Literally close to needles, I'm sure, but close to needles, California. Yeah, yeah. I read the name of it. Red as hell. There was a lady in there telling the cashier about her Christmas.

The cashier had not asked. She had bought two tall boys, a six pack of Coke, four lottery tickets, and an assortment of, like, twinkie type materials. telling a woman that she got money from her daughter for Christmas and this is what she had chosen to buy with it. Yes, she was trying to turn it into more, baby. Turning around, baby. Yeah, yeah. It was like a Smith and Wesson sign on the door.

We literally barely made it. Like, it died. We were leaving it running still because the heat. It died while I was pumping gas. Phenomenal. But it came back on. It was fine. Made it to L.A.

That was the last little hiccup, I guess. Except we got in a fight at Chapo-A. I don't remember what it was about. Because you didn't want to beat a fucking Chipotle? That's literally what it was about. I had to be. She wanted to go to Chipotle? But there was not many options.

Okay, I was about to say, because, like, that don't track for Andy to me to want to go to Chipotle. Amber could live in a Chipotle, I'm sure. Annie likes Chipotle as far as... I fucking hate Chipotle. I hate it, too. I used to like it, though. To be fair to Andy, we used to go together.

I went there twice in New York because I'd never been, we didn't have one. I went to it the first time, and I was like, okay, yeah, fuck, I've never had this is good. Second time I went with none other than Rocky Del Davis, and I think it was seeing how much Rocky liked the Chipotle that made me hate it more. Sure. But I just realized I was like, if this, fuck this, this fucking, like, you can get this, like,

Mexican food is not expensive to get, so why the fuck am I getting, in matter of fact, Chipotle is probably more expensive than if you just went to a hole in the wall, Mexican place, and it's fucking way better. I fucking hate Chipotle, dude. Fuck Chipotle. I'm furious right now. I like the spice.

At the Green Sage Inn. Yeah. Fuck snow. Yeah, to death. Fuck heaters that don't work. Fuck Trump, the government. all that shit. And the government's shutting down. Yeah. I mean, the government workers,

y'all cool. I know it ain't y'all's fault. I do wish that, like, in certain situations, y'all would just, like, you know, go do some of these jobs for free. Fuck, Mamma's table.

Yeah, yeah, don't hit. No, it does hit. So, all right, you were at the Grand Cane then you finally made it to your apartment, LA, any hijinks there? Was that somehow you coasted in,

easy? Well, locks didn't work. Like, you couldn't get in? We could get in, but nothing that we had to, and then we got woken up at seven in the morning by the gardener. Hopefully I have fixed that scenario.

And then Andy has discovered... Well, y'all have a gardener? It ain't, I mean, the... It's for the... For more than one unit or whatever. Okay, that hits though. And then... But!

But! DJ But! DJ But! Andy has discovered that our house is close to... It's like really close to some major... What are they called? Not Power Lines? Transformers.

Yeah, she was telling me about last night how y'all are going to die. Not soon, but, like, in the future. It's going to, like, yeah, change our DNA or something. Yeah, yeah, which is wild. Yeah, don't hit. Or might hit. You know, my DNA ain't that good.

Every, like, because I'm such a comic book fan, anytime DNA gets changed, it's always for the climbing walls variety. Right. You know, so that might hit. No, it's good. But I'm going to, you know, just grow an ear out of my forehead, so I have to hear more bullshit about how hot New Mexico is, which I know is a lot. At least it'll cover up your hairline in the future.

You know what I'm saying? Brought it back around. Yeah, there it is. Oh, my. God. I don't know if I left anything out on my trip. I bought a woman gas, which I had, you know, wouldn't account it if I didn't tell the world.

I didn't mean to bring that up. We bought gas at a post office. It was like one of those parts of Texas. It was super empty and it was like, this is also the post office. Yeah, where I'm from, you have there's a gas station that's also a chicken place. Uh-huh. But not a post office, it's also a gas station that I'm certain was also a chicken place. It was chicken.

Yeah. Well, that hits for me. And teakitos. I mean, that's a way to make, I bet those people don't hate. going to the post office like I hate going to the post office. I feel like those people hate going anywhere where other people are. That's why they live in a place so remote that the post office is a gas station. That's true.

There's a lot of windmills in that part of Texas. So now you're here in L.A. Uh-huh. And I've noticed in you a more chipper attitude over the past week just in terms of us. Like, because, you know, we collectively have been out here. We started working on this fucking show like five months. October. Oh, is it October? October November, December, December, December,

okay, so like, yeah, close to four months or whatever the fuck. Now, for a while, it was like, you know, Trey is out here, he's got his whole family out here, but me and you were on the commute, we were fucking miserable every goddamn day, nothing hit, we're tired, we're jetlacked or whatever. But you're living here now. So, I mean, I feel like that's affected your attitude and you're... Yeah, I think...

And I wasn't calling you a fuck, like, oh, you're, you suck. Yeah, I think the key difference I haven't had to spend as much time with you. Oh, yeah, that checks out. No, that does track. I was going for the joke. No, no. I got my gal and my dog here. And that hits.

I got my own bed. And you're in sunny California. And I'm in sunny California. And it's scary and it's nerve-wracking and all these other things. But I feel more settled. I knew this was coming. So that was part of the anguish maybe in the past. And then also I was always jet-lagged.

I'm still not quite adjusted out here. Sure. But yeah, I got a home that I'm going to tonight. Yeah, that's got to be fucking great. It is. Because, you know, I'm going to Airbnb with Russell. Who's Russell? Russell is the host of my Airbnb, but he actually is a very sweet guy.

He just lives there? Yeah. That's always weird, ain't it? Yeah, and I thought it was going to be a lot weirder, but like because of the hours I've kept in the hours that he's got. Like last night was the first time I've seen him since I've been here. And it was just because he was sick on the couch. And it was funny because I walked in, hadn't seen him the whole time. He just laid up on the couch, like shirt off under a blanket.

And he's just like, hey. And I was like, what's up? Russell's like, I'm fucking sick kid. Like he called me kid. he's like, I'm fucking sick kid. And I'm like, oh, okay. He's like, you're quote unquote at an Airbnb, but really you have a roommate in L.A. Yeah, Harvey Firestein is my room.

I'm fucking sick kid. Let me tell you what they'll do to you out here. Yeah, so no, I'm in his upstairs room. This is actually very nice. He's got one of those old, like, eighth grade televisions that's like it's mounted to the wall, but in that old school way with the handle shit. So when I'm watching, you remember what I'm talking about? He's got one of these old big box TVs.

Like, well, now I'm, now I'm, days when TVs are mounted, it's the flat screen, but this was like how your teacher would have the one with the pole and it was all catty one of the side. It's kind of nice. And he's got, he has a, yeah, it is. Like, one of his whole big selling points on the, on his Airbnb profile was like, I have a great collection of movies for you to watch, as if people don't have their fucking computers with whatever. But like, I have been watching, uh, like I watched Frye Green and Mades. Yeah, I watched Frye Green and Mades last night. On DVD? Yeah. On DVD on this fucking, it's a 20 inch TV that is all the way. I can't even see the fucking movie. honestly. I'm just laying in bed knowing that fried green tomatoes is on. It was nice. It was nice. I got 50 things to choose from. I got 50 things to choose from. Frye Green Tomatoes is here. Well-read fans, listeners.

Let's review what just happened. And I don't know if this is like an attribution to Corey's positivity and his general outlook to make things hit. Here's what you just described to me. Yeah, Drew. Since you've moved out here, and by the way, well-red fans, offered him my sofa bed that I bought so he could sleep on it.

That's true. And he said, and this was nice of him, not this trip, not this round, whatever. You guys are still getting settled. And that was true. Our shit was everywhere. It's not, dude, I wouldn't even going to. It wouldn't even going to try to force myself on that because, like, you do need to settle in. I just wanted people to know that that was an option.

Of course. You're very sweet. My life is, well, now my home's here and my wife and my dog, now that we have, you and I have divorced. Yeah, yeah. his roommates and Airbnb's in hotel. Yeah. You have a sick roommate from Boston somehow. Well, he's actually from Long Island.

I just did the accent wrong. That you don't know and who's sick as a dog. He's like 60. You're watching TV on the Home Room TV, Channel 1. Yeah. Yeah. You can't see it. And the selling point of this Airbnb was I have some DVDs.

Uh-huh. But they're good DVDs. Like he's got a really good... But you can't see. No, but I can hear them. you know at night when I'm watching so I'm trying not to watch

it's actually good because I can't see it so I'm not really too focused I'm just like it's actually good guys no no no and how when you're watching a movie but you can't see it that's a positive thing

well here's the thing about Fannie you know how when you're in a stranger's home they're there that makes it better here's the thing about Fannie you know how when you got a guy living downstairs that you don't know it's cooler if he's sick

yeah you also have to take your shoes off don't hit but here's the thing about Fanny flag and how she writes dialogue, you don't need to see it. No. You know what I'm saying? Frag Green Tomatoes is just as fine as if you listen to it. Fannie Flag's

a hero. It would be a wonderful radio play. Yeah, and it is, and it was. Flaig would ride our fucking pilot instead of us because we don't have it. She's still with us? I doubt it, man. Let's not kill her off. I don't know if she is or not, but. Rest in peace, to Fannie Flag. Fannie Flag. So, no, I mean, I'm having a good time.

I'm once again in walking distance of a Whole Foods, so I've had my beet juice every morning, which has been good. Come stay with me. No, it's really fine. Yeah, but we're settled now. I know, but you know what I'm doing? This is actually perfect.

Couldn't have been more perfect. Could have been more perfect, guys. My Airbnb. Imagine a world where it would be more per- You can't do it. More perfect than a roommate who's sick that you don't know and watching DVDs and shitty TV? I forgot.

There's also a Colombian feller that's living there right now. Where? I don't know. I fucking don't know because there's only too bad. I don't know. Dude, there's... You're in it. room, dude.

This piece of shit who lives downstairs is renting out that room full time to this poor Colombian man and then he rinsed out Airbnb and just like tells the Colombian and on these days you sleep in the garage. Dude, actually that kind of tracks because

because there's all these fucking soccer shirts in the closet. Well, no, he told me he's like, he's like, you know, I can't remember what he, but he's going to be here for a month you know, whatever. But like, there's only two rooms and I've seen this guy a couple times like I came down the other night and you made him just now a little flamboyant I don't know if you did it on purpose he is gay I didn't mean to do that

he and his boyfriend they may be up there to get I don't know I ain't heard nothing I might be lovers I ain't heard nothing and huh we're gonna go with that well Russell if you're listening right now I got some questions but you know it's fine we're gonna go with Russell didn't know how this you the Southern boy would take him saying this is my partner so he was just like he's going to be living here for a month because he didn't know how you would take this is my part you know and that's fair because i did show up being me right wearing a red trucker hat not a trump one but like i looked yeah sounding like a racist banjo i did though the first night we met he asked me what i was here doing i told him you know i'm right and i'm a comedian and he asked me like what you know

what's your Airbnb thing he said he loved stand-up comedy and he asked me you know what's your stick what's your angle and i explained to him our whole thing so i feel like he's definitely guard down, you know, everything's fine, knowing that I'm at least in somewhat way of an ally. But no, what I'm saying, it worked out perfect. I, like in fucking idiots, when I thought that we were going to be done with this

fucking script this week, I'd booked a ticket home on Saturday, right? So I made my Airbnb, I'm checking out on Thursday because I was going to stay at the airport on Friday, and I was like, now I don't have a fucking place. I was like, well, God damn it. Earl just text me. I'm in a house sit for him this whole weekend.

Nice good. It worked out fucking perfect. And I have to be at Earls on Sunday to do to read through anyways. That's right. So it is perfect. So, you know, I've had a pretty good time. It's actually really helped me. I've got two places.

Sincerely, because, you know, long-time listeners know I struggle with my eating habits and I always feel fat. Because you're not supposed, you can't, one of the rules is you can't eat in your room here. So any meal I have, I have to eat it down. What's the rules about where you can eat? Yeah, yeah, I can't eat upstairs. Did we tell the well-red people by the time that we just had to take care of a cat? No. Was that here?

Yeah. That was the first fucking Airbnb here. Yeah, you get there and they're like, oh yeah, by the way, you have a fucking cat now. It's dying of cancer. Yes, the cat had cancer. And sometimes it's shit so that shit won't get off its ass. And you got to clean it. They didn't say that, but we learned real quick.

Yeah, and like they didn't. It's just a dying cat walking around with the shit on its ass. And they didn't take any off the room, like or nothing. Uh-uh. Like, honestly, in that situation, it's about, hey, you can stay here for free as long as you'll take care of my cancer cat. That sometimes we'll just get in your room and rub it. Just Papal Batman's Arch Nemesis Cancer Cat. So, anyways, because of all that, because I can't eat in my room and I have to take all my meals down in the commons.

God damn it. I hear it now. I hear it now. Because you never went to college, you're like, oh, I guess people do this. This is fine. Maybe that's what I feel like I'm in college. I haven't snacked the whole time. been here like i've eaten my meals and then when i get home i go upstairs just a boy who needs

structure i'm a boy you appreciate i need a guy named russell yeah to live with so but no i'll be at earls this weekend and then uh next week amber's coming in and we're staying in the luka lake the loca lake yeah amber's dude hey it's your wednesday she's her wednesday we're gonna have all three well-red wives together for the first time since denver in l a amber's never been here i assume if i had to guess we're going to lose Andy and Amber Thursday or Friday. Totally. Because we're going to be here working,

they're going to go off and do something. Well, Andy's decided she wants a job already. Well, they can go look for jobs to go. That'd be awesome. Well, I'm saying if she's already found one, that might get in the way. If that doesn't happen, dude, they'll be in the desert.

Absolutely. Being in something shopping. I don't know. Women will be shopping. I don't fucking know what they'll do. They do'll be shopping. Desert. Well, all right.

Well, I'm satisfied with this podcast. Well, I wanted to ask you about Christmas. Okay. What you want to know? That was? That was good. Yeah. Yeah, I had my own place.

I did get to stay. We had, well, were we off for like, before we came out here, I was like eight days from Nashville to here, and it was the first time that I got to stay in my house for an extended period of time. It's more than eight, buddy. Yeah, I guess you're right.

Amber might have been gone for eight. Amber was in Iowa for the first three days of my break back home, which was like, it was pretty mariucci to me. You got to see her in Nashville. Yeah, yeah. I got to see her in Nashville. It wasn't like, oh my God, I haven't seen it. Because if I didn't see her in Nashville, I literally wouldn't have seen her for a month

and a half. But we got to see each other in Nashville, which, as I mentioned on the podcast, was fucking phenomenal. And so for the first three days of my break home, I got to be by myself in my new house that I've said, well, read listeners, you bought me. Thank you very much. But it's the first time I've been there where, like, every other time I've been there, she's been there and we've been having to do stuff, which we fuck, I'm not complaining.

We absolutely should be doing stuff. But for three fucking days, I didn't have to do a goddamn thing. So I took, my buddy Robbie came over, we took mushrooms, we watched Bob Ross paintings, and then for two days I was alone smoking weed, taking mushrooms, and hanging out with my dog. And it was every, you guys get to know each other? Me and my dog. A little bit better? Yeah, yeah, I got to fill him in on my month. Do you take any mushrooms?

No, I got him high, though. I bought him some weed in California. Is there dog weed? Yeah, man, you don't remember this? I was fucking, uh... When you spent $600 at the time? the weed store. Yeah, and I was like, I don't know how I fucking spent $600 at the weed store. And I got all that CBD. I got a bunch, which is expensive. And I also bought a bunch of weed.

Oh, so worth it. Oh, my God. I love it so much. And I bought a bunch of weed for my dog. And yeah, I gave him some drops of CBD shit. And now he's already a very fucking relaxed dog anyways when it's just me and him. But like, buddy, we just laid on the couch. We watched old DVDs and stuff. I watched Blazing Saddles like six times. I mean, I know that's not an exciting Christmas break. But if you're like us and your whole, this is a, this is, this is, This is a brag. My whole life is literally nonstop excitement. Like all we do,

like my friends are like, you're home for eight, nine, 10 days where we got to go out. And I always tell them the same thing. I'm like, my job is to go out. I don't want to go out.

My idea of having fun when I'm home. If y'all want to come over here and get fucked up, hell yeah, fucking bring it on. But like, I ain't going out. When I go back to work,

it'll be out every night. It'll be all this shit. It was amazing. I do like to go out when I'm home, but specifically to music shows. I'm with you on there. I go. my whole job is to be on the stage.

I just want to sit here and listen this person play, you know. For sure. Every time I'm home, though, the people that I would have loved to have seen were in Chattanooga the week before, so I don't ever do shit. And honestly, it's probably every time I'm home now, new house, new wife, got to do the homely thing. But I don't, I really don't like to go out anymore. Unfortunately, I'm in the phase of my life that I'm sure you remember where all

All, that might be happening now, I don't know, because we're not too far apart in age. All my friends. They're married with kids. They're either married with kids or the other part is they're going through their first divorce. And those dudes, and rightfully so, they have to go out. Right. They got to go out to meet people. Yeah, and they're like, dude, you got to go with me.

And I'm just like, man, I hate to. You hate that guy anymore. I'm not that guy anymore. And I don't want to. And by the way, they don't want to be that fucking guy either, but they are. every now and then I'll have that joke about that what's that

about like when he first got with his people like oh you're married it's over you're married it's over and the crux of the joke was like do I love my wife or whatever but like it's way better not being single than being single without a doubt

being single is only cool in college yeah and like after that it's a nightmare yeah and I don't want to like sound cheesy or nothing but like to me it's not over it's just begun for me yeah we've just begun to live

Yeah, and I feel like... Light lace and promises. Yeah, exactly. It's 31 years old. I want to be at home. I want to have my wife. I want to be with my dog. Fuck going out.

But, you know, every now and then I bite the bullet and I will go out with some of my recently divorced friends. But like, dude, it ain't the same going out as we used to because now there's like, they're used to it was like, we've got to get pussy. Now it's, I got to get pussy. And I hope she loves me enough to be my wife. You know what I mean? And I don't know how to be wingman for that guy.

So, like, I just, I don't fucking go out. I don't do it. I spent a nice Christmas. at home. I watched the ball drop. Being the loudest, funniest, but idiotic one will get your buddy laid on a good night. It's not going to get him engaged. Did me. No, it'll get you engaged. Yeah, but not this fucking idiot. Right. But no, so I... That was how I used to be wingman. I don't know how you did. Especially when I was dating someone, but trying to help my friends out. Yeah. I would just be like abrasive, but kind of fun where like everyone was like, well, he's making the night interesting,

but I'm afraid of him. So, all right. You're the, you're quiet, Brian. what's his deal? What's Brian's deal? He's so interesting and mysterious and sweet. And I'm like, he's like one of those things, but he's not me. That's what you're really saying. Go for it. I just realized how terrible of a wingman I must have been back then because, like, I, you know, I was just, I dominated all the conversations. I was the funny guy. And then I'd end up just going home with a girl, I guess.

Me and Robbie could go out trolling for chicks because we're both kind of like the alpha funny, whatever. But, like, yeah, I was probably bad at it. Like, I would never be good at passing off the, oh, you think I'm funny and great. Here's my buddy over here. What do you think, Brian? I don't know if I literally meant passing off as much as just like, that was my move when I would go out my friends. Yeah. I wasn't single.

It would just be like, I'll just be loud and kind of fun. And that was it. That was really my only plan. You know, man, that wasn't my plan, but I just did that anyways. But I just didn't go home. I'm talking about a time I live where I didn't go home with them. Whatever, it doesn't matter. Well, my thing was is I often would not go home with them, but not by choice, but because I would get so drunk at the bar, I'd end up puking and I couldn't anyways.

And they didn't want to because they saw you puke. Exactly. Yeah, no, we did the same thing. Okay, yeah, yeah, we both hit. But anyways, I had a quiet one. New Year's, you spent years seemingly in hell. I spent mine at my sister and brother-in-law's house. Had a very quiet night, and me and Amber were back in home by, there it is.

But we were back at home by 115, and I went to sleep, and it was amazing. That's great. So that was my Christmas break. We drove from Nashville the night of the 23rd straight to Sunbrite, so we didn't get into like three. Net two. I got to bet at two. My mom and dad's family on my side, my family, not Andy's family. We celebrate Christmas on the 24th. We always have. It has to do with when I was little on Christmas Day.

Yeah, we do too. I didn't get enough time to play with my toys before my mama was calling. Douglas Wayne, you and your kids come over here. This breakfast is getting cold. There does. So they convinced me that Santa Claus was going to come on the 24th because there were too many kids in the world now. And I was one of the 24th kids. Like Santa's already a lie. And then you tack on that.

Yeah, I mean, why not, honestly? Well, the beauty of that. I always thought that was, like, super beautiful of, like, we really need to switch fucking Christmas because this is bullshit. But he still believes in Santa, and I can't fucking wait on him to figure it out. And I'm not going to break his heart. Let's just lie to him. That actually is sweet.

Yeah, like, this is already a lie. Yeah. It's not more of a lie. I was just. I was here to tell us why we were wrong about Christmas again. Oh, yeah. What was his position? That it hits and we don't hit for something.

Yeah, and that was strange. Because, like, yeah, because, like, oh. And we weren't shitting on Christmas. We were just sitting on lying to kids. We're sitting on line to kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just felt guilty about lying to his kids. He was just pulling a contrarian move.

You know what it is? Anytime we say something related to parenting, he's just like, y'all don't know shit. And we don't. Even if what we were saying lined up with his thing, there's no fucking way we could be right in that moment. I hear you. Anyway, we did that.

It was great. My nephews were super pumped that I got in a truck. I got to see them. There was a lot of pressure, I think, on all of us to make it count because it was my last Christmas before I moved out to L.A. Sure. Because I'd been in New York for a few years, and I've been home in Knox,

or close to home for a year and a half. Did you go home every Christmas in New York? Yes. Right on. Yeah. I've always wondered what Christmas in New York was truly like. The only Christmas I haven't been at home, I was in Sydney, Australia,

with my friends, and I didn't have money to fly home, and it was pretty cool. Well, that's a hard ask. Coming home from Australia is way different than New York. I'm sure if I would have asked, they would have paid for it. Sure.

I was also like, you know, you're like 22 and you're like, no, man, I'm going to make my own tradition. Fuck them. Ah, wasn't that. But yeah, maybe. And that was good. Went to her house. I had to do the Christmas pageant again.

Oh, yeah? Well-read listeners. I actually meant to give you a voicemail to put on the podcast and I just got drunk and forgot. Just like I got drunk and forgot, I ordered a minivan. Yeah, that's a theme. Story's not as good, guys, so don't let my build up. But I do feel like, in my heart, it got around at the church, what I had said on the podcast and what I've been saying on stage, and they've made some changes.

You think so? First of all, they got a man preacher, which was, you know, thank God for that. I'm kidding. They do have a new preacher. He was much more exciting and better at the nativity, in my opinion. My niece was on time, the one who was late last year with her baby. If you haven't listened to last year's Christmas episode, I tell Corey, I call Corey and leave him a voicemail of a story of me going to the Christmas pageant at my wife's Presbyterian Church. And some of the highlights from that was my niece showed up late, the narrator slash preacher,

she told her, there's no room for you at the pew. None of that happened. My niece showed up on time. Everybody seemed to get along. The guy who was drunk last year was hammered drunk this year. I'm kind of worried about him. up a monist. Well, he made it another year.

But I also pointed out that all the fat kids had to be shepherds and all the good-looking kids and ugly kids had to be shepherds and all the good-looking kids got to be angels. They've changed that. So I feel like we're making progress, you know. As much as you can in the church. Exactly. It's always slow in the church. That's the whole thing.

You know, it's like this year... It literally takes thousands and thousands of years. Right. This year, we let moderately good-looking kids play shepherds, and then next year we'll acknowledge gay people as humans. And they fired the lady. Baby steps. They did fire the lady.

I think she retired. Oh, my God. She told the church that after she retired, she didn't want anyone to contact her. Not for letters of recommendation, not for anything. Like, help, advice, anything? Nothing, dude. Isn't that crazy? Was there, like, a big blow-up is why she left?

No. It was one of those, in that type of church, you get assigned. Yeah. They're part of a national organization. Yeah, yeah. So, I don't think she ever wanted to be there. Look I don't know this lady

She's obviously a stranger to the podcast listeners I don't think that lady wanted to be anywhere Heard that And I get that Man Well let's end there You want to talk about the Bonnery lineup real quick If you want to yeah yeah read them off

Well I'm just going to read off the fire ones Yeah Well first of all this isn't fire to me But I'm excited about the fact that fish The band fish Has three sets two on Sunday And one on Friday a late night one I don't give a fuck about the bandfish.

No, hard to. What I love is that if fish has three fucking shows at Bonaroo, there's going to be way less, what's up, bro, put it on Instagram, and way more fucking dirty hippies. And mushrooms. And I like that version of Bonaroo. Now, I could be wrong.

It might not work, you know? And there's plenty for the bros to latch on to, like Post Malone and Childus Scambino and the Lumineers. And Gucci's there, but that's the type of bros I want to hang out with. I said bros, not pros. Salonge, the Avid brothers, Brock Hampton, which I don't give a fuck about.

Gris, which I do give a fuck about. Gris, Super Jam. Grizzly and the Super Jam is going to be flames. Girl Talk, which I don't care about, but it's going to be fun. Casey Musgraves, fuck. Yes. Hell yeah. And John Prine. It's going to be great.

The National Lonely Island is going to be funny. Gucci, Maine, John Prine, Jim James, former front man, or current, I don't know if they broke up. I guess they did. My Morning Jack. I know, and I know he's there with his full band. Yes. And he's going to be a part of that super jam.

For sure, you know he is. That's going to be fucking flames. Shovels and Rope. Who? Yeah, we just found out of reading our book. Yeah, and by the way, I was going to say that earlier. Shout out to Carrie Ann. I want to thank the well-read listeners for buying me a house.

Well-read readers bought us a house. And if you ain't got on that, get on that book. Get on the audio book. Liberal Redneck Manifesto, Dragon Dixie out of the dark. It's available on Amazon and anywhere books are sold. Get the audiobook. Cardi B, who I stand for. Me too.

Brandy Carlisle, who's great. Wood Brothers, Lil Dickie, and Buddy. The goddamn trampled by turtles are playing a set on Sunday. I don't know what time. I'm almost

not cool with how excited I am about it. Are you going? Yeah. I got tickets. Oh, word, okay. Brian just... I didn't know if we'd be on tour or not. I didn't know what was going on.

I already told him not to. Oh, hits. All right. Well, fuck it. I'm going too. Because you know what? I am going. Me and Amber are going to

celebrate our one-year anniversary at Bonnero. Because it'll be right around that time. I'm curious about this. I didn't investigate it, but like when they say the grand old opery, they mean they're doing a grand old opera at Bonner. A show, yeah. Well, fuck that. That's so amazing.

I hate to be me. Oh, God. I went last year. Did they have Grand Ole Opry there last year? Oh, man. You know, it's a TV show now or a radio show. Well, it's been that. Well, they've got to cut away to breaks.

Right. They've got to run out of a show. They're actually doing their live show from Bonarue, not just a separate thing. You don't have seats and you can't hear them as good because you can hear the music real well. But the banter in between, which is half of what the opera is. I didn't hate it by any means. But it didn't have the same feel as it would have, of course, at the opera or at home on the radio. Yeah, yeah.

And you like somebody and then they go away. And then the next person you ain't heard of or whatever. Andy pointed out, though, and I'm pumped about this. Last year, it was sort of a second-tier thing on Saturday. this year it's the headliner thing on Thursday might have bigger acts

they might be trying to do it better and it wasn't like it was bad last year I don't want anyone to give me all it was just wasn't the Super Jam Super Jam is a bunch of famous musicians who kick ass play together this was super structured and you kept losing steam

because of literal commercial breaks and you aren't hearing commercials Oh that don't hit And they would talk but You can't hear that shit And you're on drugs And it weren't comedians talking You know what I mean

It was like we got a way It's a half and it's fillers and it didn't hit. Well, that sucks. Well, but everything else, though, that's amazing. So I'm fucking, yeah, I'm definitely going to go. I'm pumped, man. Meet us at Monaroo.

Come see us there, man. They got rid of the comedy tent, so that sucks, but maybe one day they'll be able to be there. They got rid of the comedy tent? They went in there last year either. All the comedy last year was out in the campgrounds. That's why they didn't have any major headliners other than Reggie Watts, who played a music set, and this year they got Lonely Island who's going to do it. Music set.

Okay, well, I see what they're doing. Well, all right, if they can't have us. you know, whatever. Here's the thing. They could have hugs. Well, that's true. They could have us. Hey, yeah, Bonnarie, we'll come.

Just give us free tickets and we'll be funny. I was just giving them a free plug. They won't book us. What are we doing with our lives, man? This is how much we love them. I did leave one thing out that would hit for you. At the Grand Canyon, I loved it. It was so moving and beautiful.

But my stupid brain, I also felt and had to say to Andy out loud so she could also feel it. I was like Nothing won't ever feel as good as it felt the first time Yeah, I hear you, buddy I hear you That is true Well Here we are

There we were All right, thank you guys And uh Skiy Thank you all for listening to the well red show We love to stick around longer But we got to go Tune the next week

If you got nothing to do Thank you God bless you. Good night and skew.