wellRED podcast - BONUS STORY - Forgotten But Not Gone : A WellRED Road Story

Episode Date: October 18, 2019

Bonus story for all you WellREDDERS!  Full Disclosure: Please know that even though I’m positive that some form of these events are true, I cannot morally place this tale in the non-fiction section as it is very possible I am conflating more than one story or even more than one trip. But enjoy regardless! wellREDcomedy.com for tickets (and while you're there, please sign up for our newsletter!)

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie. I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the ske universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year?

Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low main? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better. And it's called Rocket.

money. Rocket money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket money shows all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you already forgot about. If you see a subscription, you don't want any more, Rocket Money will help you cancel it. Their dashboard lays out your whole financial picture, including the due dates for all your bills and the pay days. In a way that's easier for you to digest, you can even automatically create custom budgets based on past spending. Rocket money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the apps. Premium features.

I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. And I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing. any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one I'd said it before, but I had a, I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friends' faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got, I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies, you know, those weren't a little like

the cue ball looking twin fellas. Yeah. So that was that response to? What was that a reply gift for just when I did something stupid? Something fat and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out.

So shout out to them. They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions or reach your financial goals faster with RocketMoney. Go to RocketMoney.com slash well-read today. That's rocketmoney.com slash well, RED. Rocketmoney.com slash well read. And we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast.

They're the... With one of the best savings rates in America, banking with Capital One is the easiest decision in the history of decisions. Even easier than choosing Slash to be in your band. Next up for lead guitar. You're in. Cool. Yep, even easier than that.

And with no fees or minimums on checking and savings accounts, is it even a decision? That's banking reimagined. What's in your wallet? Terms apply. See Capital One.com slash bank for details. Capital One and a member FDIC. Three years ago when the well-read tour went to Denver for the first time, it was the first time to my knowledge that any of us had been to a state where recreational marijuana was

legal. It was also early on enough in the tour that at least a couple of us hadn't really gotten used to flying yet, and we're still relying fairly heavily on Mama's nerve pills and a couple Miller lights to get us in the right frame of mind not to scream every time we grazed a cloud. I'm not saying we miscalculated our homemade redneck nervous flyer cocktail prescription, and I'm not saying that we almost had to be forcibly removed from the plane, and I damn sure am not saying that one of us had to take a wheelchair from the jet bridge all the way to baggage claim. I'm not saying that at all. That would be ridiculous.

What I will say, however, is that we were young and stupid, and by the grace of a God I don't believe in, we are able to still stand before you today as hopefully better and smarter men. I will say that. Anywho, we touched down in Denver, and much to our surprise, simply not believing in the dramatic effects of altitude change, didn't make it any less true. Now, try telling that to Uncle Randy about the climate. We were shit-faced, jet lag, dead tired, but hey, At least we couldn't fucking breathe either.

We, of course, did what anyone in our precarious state would do. We went to the weed store. Walking into a weed store for the first time as a 28-year-old man was like walking into Disney World as a... Well, a 28-year-old man, Disney rules. But I do remember feeling different. I felt like I was in a different country. In that moment, I felt like my country had let me down every second of every day of my life up until that point. Oh, so this is what freedom's like, huh?

Well, thanks for finally coming around, assholes, I thought to myself quietly, while the rest of my brain was trying to process the fact that I had just seen orange weed soda. Between that and all the gummy bears and chocolate, I thought Willie Wonka was about to cartwheel his ass out there in a robe and tell me what really happened on 9-11. So we loaded up and got in the car. And then we drove around the block and went back into the same store because you could only buy so much in one transaction,

and we had been informed of this loophole by a shaman we had met earlier at the Texaco. It was the start of a great trip. Now, I'm a little fuzzy on all the details here, and truth be told, I may be completely full of shit, but I'm fairly certain Drew was driving at this point. Drew is the more outdoorsy of the three, and if you're wondering how you achieve that status in our group, it's simple. You just got to sometimes go outside.

Trey and I prefer the dark and icy cold hotel bed where we can be rocked to sleep by our inner demons. Drew is much healthier than us in this regard. I said all that to say that when Drew is driving and you were in a place known for its scenery and more specifically its mountains, well, you're about to ride up some goddamn mountains. And we did. And I was not a fan. Until the first gummy kicked in. When the first gummy kicked in, I finally understood nature.

It was me and I was it. I'd only ever smoked dirtweed, and as far as edibles go, I'd never had anything other than the brownies we tried to cook up in my buddy Chris's apartment, which were either not strong enough, or they were, oh my God, call the hospital, the government is trying to kill me, strong. I'd never had a gummy that was lab tested, tried and true, the perfect amount of actually good weed. The immediate feeling was euphoric.

It felt like taking a warm, bath and holding a puppy while watching when Harry met Sally for the first time. And if one makes me feel this good, then, well, hell, boys, let's take another one. And because the tour hadn't been going on long enough for them to know not to listen to me, we did. Drew kept driving up the mountain and the higher we got, well, the higher we got. We came upon a huge patch of greenery nestled down in the hill between two mountain sides. It was next to a pull-off, so we got out to take in the same. sights. Trey and I lit up a cigarette, as we were wont to do, and before we could even take a

proper drag, Drew was shirtless and running towards the woods, as he is wont to do. I've never seen a man so free, so full of unbridled joy. Trey and I, going completely against everything we are as people, decided that we too wanted to be free. We ditched our shirts and ran towards Drew, who had escaped out of sight into what appeared to be Valhalla. Our first of the same. Our faces cut sharply through the unusually thin air as the cool blades of grass whipped over our legs. It felt like running through the sprinkler as a kid, but better because unlike now, as a kid, I was ignorant to the truths of the universe. It was at that moment we finally saw Drew again. He was sprinting out of the woods towards us, screaming,

Holy fuck, there's a goddamn bear fucking run! Now, this may not come as a shock to Mother's. of you, but Trey and I are not like Drew. We are not runners. We are barely walkers and have some pretty compelling arguments against standing in general. But on this day, my friends, on this day, we were gazelles. Fat, drunk, terrified, stoned out of our goddamn mind gazelles. We cut through that Rocky Mountain holler like a ginshoe knife through a tuna's ass and made it back uphill, fighting for breath like it saved our papal in Korea. We sat there shirtless on a rock not saying a word, just trying to gather our thoughts. Drew broke the silence.

Uh, I don't think there was actually a bear. That's my bad. God fucking damn it. After we rested for a while, Trey and Drew hopped in the front seat, and after a brief moment to check the navigation and to get the playlist exactly where it needed to be, Drew took off down the mountain. I can't say for certain, but if I had to guess, there was some Dr. Dog playing. We all dig Dr. Dog, but Drew has an extra special thing for him. He especially likes to listen to him when we're driving around on a near perfect day with our arms hanging out the windows while leveling out on just a little too much pot. Or it could have been trampled by turtles.

Ah, the old standby. As soon as wait too long would come on, Trey would turn it up even if it was already too loud. And if Spotify was on repeat, he'd do it again in three minutes and 26 seconds. Every time that song comes on, Drew is so overcome with emotion that he immediately starts beating on the roof of the car. This happens every damn time. It is Pavlovian. We love trampled by turtles. About 15 miles into the ride, Trey started laughing like a lesbian watching Pat Robertson get kicked in the dick. Couldn't contain himself. He'd look towards the back seat, then back towards a confused roo, and then he'd just cackle like a wolf. No, I couldn't tell you what song was playing in the car that day, but I can tell you why Trey was laughing. Tray was laughing because

15 miles away, on a rock overlooking a majestic patch of greenery, I sat shirtless and out of breath, wondering where the fuck everyone had gone. The end. Hey everybody, thank you so much for listening to this bonus story on the well-read podcast. The reason that I dropped this story was to inform you that you can expect this type of thing on our newsletter. That's right. I tell you at the beginning of every podcast to please sign up for the newsletter because that's how you will find out where we're going to be, even before my dumb ass finds out where we're going to be.

And that is true. So please sign up to our newsletter at Well-R-R-R-R-R-R-W-R-R-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W. red comedy.com. That's w-E-L-L-R-E-D comedy.com. Um, but I wanted to make sure that the newsletter was something that wasn't just pushing dates and it wasn't just something that was constantly promo so that you'd actually want to read it. So every month, um, when the newsletter goes out, you can expect one of these stories from your boy the show and I really hope that you enjoyed it. Love y'all. Skew. Take as little as three minutes to see if you could save on motorcycle insurance with

Progressive. Come on, you've spent more time than that trying to name your bike. Hmm, how about the crusher? I guess it's not really crushing anything. The silver bolt? No. Oh, what about pepper? Mysterious. Is it a pet or a condiment?

Surprise! It's a motorcycle. No, that's stupid. Get a quote in as little as three minutes at progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Appiliates.