wellRED podcast - Bubba Shot: "Should've Been A Cowboy"

Episode Date: May 20, 2022

The Final Episode of Bubba Season 1, and what else could we have chosen? Who else could we have closed out with than the undeniable but very hateable Toby Keith. TK is a firebrand, a political nightmare, and an expert songwriter. SBAC is his masterpiece. This episode discusses toxic masculinity, Old Hollywood, love, sex, whore houses, and relives a great moment in wellRED history. This is a fire season finale and a great way to let you all know we will bringing even more heat next season. See yuns soon!

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

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Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low mane? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better, and it's called Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app

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I'll learn Spanish and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before, but I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friend's faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got, I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball looking twin. fellas. Yeah. So that was that in response to? What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out. So shout out to them.

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There's a cricket in the corner. And he's singing his same old song. A repetitive reminder that Bubba's first season's really gone. The leaves have started turning. My pony's coat is getting thick. The days are getting shorter and the frost will be here quick. There's a cricket in the corner. His racket will not quit.

I'd blame him for my sleepless night, but I really must admit that cowboys lie awake at night and we worry about the snow. Will there be enough feed for the nights when it's 35 below? There's a cricket in the corner. I'll just let his serenade. lull me to sleep to dream about summer siesta's lying in the shade. There's just no use and fretting about what winter will send my way.

We'll deal with it and we'll get through it because that's the cowboy way. That was an adaptation of Cricket in the Corner, a poem by a cowboy poet Steve Lucas that I thought was appropriate for the end of season one above a shot at the podcast, the song we are doing is should have been a cowboy by Toby Keith. I recognize that most well-for-ed fans hate Toby Keith. That's fine. I don't care for him myself.

This song, however, is a masterpiece. Much like the first season of Bubba Shot the podcast, however you feel about the people who created it, you must recognize that the art itself is a masterpiece. I wanted to let everyone know we will be back. I'm not sure when. Trey and Corey have gallivanted off to Europe, and they don't allow country music podcasts there

because they're communist countries. So until they decide to get back from those left-leaning, horrific, despotic places on earth where they don't allow men to roam free and rustle cattle and sing about whiskey women and wieners, we won't have Bubba. It could be a couple months. could be three. Season two will be a lot of fun. We do look forward to it. Also, we've mentioned

this on the other podcast. I'll be hosting well-read by myself with some very exciting guest hosts while they're gone. So pay attention to that. We really appreciate y'all sticking with us through this first season. It has been truly, truly so much fun for all of us. We hope that you enjoyed all of our screaming and yelling about statutory rape laws when it comes to strawberry wine. All the times we made guests uncomfortable by calling Tushar the Indian Outlaw. I really loved George Strait, George Gay. We got way less flak for that than I expected, and frankly, I commend you all for that

because if you think about it, it was truly a transgressive joke. I don't know what that word means That's it for the most part We still will take suggestions as far as songs or ideas for season two You can DM us, you can DM me This is sort of my baby About what those ideas are And that's pretty much it

We love you guys Enjoy this episode, it is the final chapter of Bubba Shot the podcast Season 1 We will be back We will be better than ever and we will be reliving those dreams. 12 years old, riding in the back of a Chevy S-10. Seat belt, hell, you didn't even have a seat.

Your mama's smoking a cigarette. It's stuck to one of her lips. You got somebody on the radio singing about love in a way that you don't understand, but what you do understand is this music makes Mama feel good. It makes you feel good, too. That's what we're after here on Bubba Shot the podcast. All you cowboys, be careful out there.

Welcome to Bubba Shot the podcast, and that's right, a show about country at a time. Welcome to Bubba Shot the podcast, gentlemen, first of the facts. Should have been a cowboy was a song that was both written and recorded by the illustrious Toby Keith. He came out in February of 1993. It was his debut song, his debut single from his first self-titled debut album, and it went to number one by June of that year on both the U.S. Hot Country. charts and the Canadian country charts. It also peaked at 93 on the Billboard Hot 100, making it a minor crossover hit. It is one of his biggest hits of all time. It's not his

biggest hit. But to come out the gate swinging a dick like that, what an introduction to the world, especially considering he wrote it himself. Toby Keith, love him or hate him. Most people hate him as a person, at least the people we fuck with. But damn, what a song. Yeah, it's a hell of a debut for sure. I, y'all know that, I can't remember if it was from Chappelle Show or a Chappelle bid or something, and I might get it a little wrong, but he was like, he was talking about Michael Jackson and all the accusations against him and stuff like that. He made thriller. He was like, but he made thriller. Like, that's sort of how I feel to a lesser degree, but about Toby Keith to this day just because of this song.

It's like, I can't hate him too much no matter what just because of this song. Because this is like, I mean, this is easily a top five for me all time. I fucking love this goddamn song. It's a truly great country song, in my opinion. So despite all the other shit that, you know, ended up happening with the title of Keith in his career, you know, it's like, yeah, but, you know, he wrote should have been a cowboy. So my favorite part about that sketch was when he, he's a guy. He goes through Michael Jackson. He goes through OJ and all this stuff.

And then at the end, they go, what about Robert Blake? And he goes, oh, Beretta did that shit. He'll get that bitch. Yes, Greta did that shit. You're right. Yeah. I spiced it up a little bit. Beretta did that shit.

You're right. That's what he says. Tushar, had you heard this song before? I can't remember. No, I don't think I had. It sounds familiar and just the cadence, but I obviously not the lyrics. or anything. Well, we'll get into the lyrics, I guess right now, but what I like about it as I've

studied it, and we're going to get into the background of it and how he wrote it and all that, it really is an ode to Westerns. Yeah. Because if you take the lyric, should have been a cowboy, and even roping and riding, literally, cowboys are not the same as bank robbers, outlaws, sheriffs, marshals. We call them cowboy movies because they have hats on and they're set in the West. But a cowboy is a job in which you wrangle cattle. And, you know, bank robbers didn't give a fuck about that. They were too busy, you know, robbing banks, drinking whiskey and fucking whores. So it just immediately, I'm thinking about how this song is a, is an ode to the Western movie. 100%. All the stuff. And I know we'll go through the lyrics, but all the stuff about like

should have had a sidekick with a funny name running wild through the hills chasing desk jesse james you know all the stuff everything in there is like it's alluding to western tropes i mean it's like you said it's not really there it is yeah i was going to say you talk about like you know roping and riding he does do that but noticeably absent from this song in my opinion is both rooting and tooting Tutin, yeah. Although I guess, you know, I guess the rooting and the tootin are implied throughout. The undertone. An undertone of rooting and tootin.

But, you know, not because they're shooting mentioned. Yeah. And usually preceding the shooting is the rooting and tooth. I think the toot comes post-shooting. I think you root, shoot, then toot. Perhaps, yeah. And I think the phrase rooting and tootan comes from one and two. to censor the shooting, do you know what I mean?

So you don't admit to any crimes because they're not rappers, they're country music singers. Tushar and our audience, I had eye surgery. That's why I'm wearing sunglasses. But how are you doing, buddy? I'm good, buddy. Can you see? You look a little Ray Charlesy.

I know I do, yeah. Ironically, I could see better than I've been able to in years, but I just don't hit. Sack power. Yep, sack power. There you go. Blood balls. Blood balls in my skull right now,

but they are functional, so that's good. Anyway, this song, yeah. Oh, your eyes are full of blood. I was like, you mean clocks? That's not good. No, my eyeballs just look like to, you know. Yeah. Balls of blood.

The thing about this song, my first thought was being a cowboy sucks, right? Like, that can't be a good, fun job. But again, are you talking about like the literal job of cowboy? Yeah, dude, I feel like that. not what the song's about. Right. But right, but like Drew said, the song It's about Hollywood. Job. The song's about, you know,

John Wayne and John Wayne. Let's talk about how he wrote it. This is probably the most interesting story behind the song that I have, that I can remember from Bubba. And it almost makes me wonder if it's true. Toby Keith can do anything. He can spin a tail. But this is the tale that he tells.

He was pheasant. hunting. I want to pull up where he was at. As one does. Yeah, he was phezzot hunting in Kansas. There's a town in Kansas called Dodge City. As far as I know, it's not the Dodge City. Yeah, that one's in Arizona or Texas. Yeah, I don't remember. Somebody can correct me and I'm certain they will if I'm wrong. But he's in Dodge City, Kansas. He's pheasant hunting. They get done pheasant hunting. They go into town to get some food and the town plays it up. It's not a very big town, but they turn everything in Dodge City into a cowboy thing, you know.

Because of the other actual Dodge City that they aren't even the thing? That's wild, dude. Like, just Paris, Tennessee's got a goddamn Eiffel Tower, you know. Yeah. Yeah, sure. But I feel like that like, like, it's infringement. I know a girl from there who went on tour with Kid Rock and Hank Williams Jr. And I think she probably got Eiffel Tower by them.

Yeah. And that, you know, and that sort of sums up the differences between Paris and. in Paris, Tennessee, right there. That girl getting double railroaded by those two guys. It was my buddy's girlfriend. She left and was going for with Kid Rock. I feel like Paris is, like, of course you're going to have towns that are like, hey, we're Paris.

Right. Do you know what I mean? Paris is Paris. Yeah. Well, if you're a rooting toot in town, no, Dodge City is Dodge City. But I'm saying, I feel like, I feel like it went in reverse order. Right. Like, they were like, well, let's just be that, you know,

even though they weren't that, and then they were like, well, now, you know, since we're that, we're going to be cowboys, because that's what that is. Right. I was wrong. This is the Dodge City. Oh, well, we've just been dumb this whole time. I also thought it was in Arizona or West Texas Strait.

Tombstones in Arizona for sure. Yeah, and, and, but still, I get it now. No, knowing that this is the Dodge City, I would 100% expect some fucking rooting and tootin. if I went through there. Like, there'd be saloons with those doors on them and shit. And every now and then somebody comes out and shoots like fucking cap guns or whatever.

Banks always getting fucked up, you know. They check you at the toll booth. Excuse me, sir. How many roots and toots are you going to be doing today? Oh, Lenny. Oh, thank you. Yeah. So Toby's there, and he's been pheasant hunting.

And they go in town for dinner. And he's saying that he's already got gun smoke on his mind because they're in Dodge City. and they end up at a place called Miss Kitty Saloon or Long Branch, a place that was playing off what makes the town famous. So it's for tourists. And it's a steakhouse or whatever. They eat, but the steakhouse as the sort of Old West, kind of Texas, and even all the way up to Wyoming towns do,

it becomes a honky talk at night. So now they've stayed through dinner, they're drinking beer, and people are dancing, they're line dancing. And there's a guy with him named John that he says, he met on the trip who was a cop because of course Toby just hangs out with cops and uh he sees a 25 year old is cowgirl and he says i'm gonna go show her how to bust a move and Toby says this cop's like 50 so he runs over there and she rejects him immediately and when he comes back everyone's razzing and like oh you got rejected and he's like yeah she says she don't dance you know whatever no big

deal well a few minutes later a young good-looking cowboy comes in and hits on the same girl and she go straight to the dance floor with him. And someone says to the cop, damn, John, you should have been a cowboy. So that gets that in his brain. And then he says, I think to myself, I should write should have been a cowboy. But I didn't know what to do with it.

But then I thought, eh, I bet Marshall Dillon, he never talked about having any woman's problems because he hated Miss Kitty or not hated Miss Kitty. He didn't want nothing to do with Miss Kitty in a romantic way. So he just started writing it down. and he claims to have written the song in 20 minutes because his buddy got rejected by a woman who wanted a cowboy.

Oh, I believe that part. I mean, they say that the best ones do just kind of fall at you butt once you get it going. Well, Toby Keith's also, he's got a few of these apocryphal songwriting stories because there's... That's why I'm wondering if he made it up. Because there's also that one about Red Solo Cup, you know, which that song, you know, it's a hit for me.

That's on history. No, no, no. I mean, I love what you're about to say. Yeah, so the story goes that like he was with some other old boy music guys, songwriters, producers and stuff, and they're just hanging out. And it got brought, like, you know, Toby can write a song about it. He can write number one hit about anything. And then he reportedly, like, held his cup up.

Was it him to held his cup up? Was it him to held it up? Yeah, you couldn't make one about that? He's like, bullshit. He's like, yeah, I can make a number one record out of this damn cup right here. And, you know, they're like, the hell you can. And then he did. I like to believe it.

I do tell you. Don't never let the truth get in a way of a good story. You know what I mean? Stuff like that. I just sort of roll with it for sure. My favorite one, and it sort of inspired the meme I have posted, is his buddy was getting fucked in the ass with a boot. Somebody was like, I bet you can't write a song about that.

And then he put a boot in your ass. It's the American way. All right. Well, let's get to these lyrics if I can find them where I've listed them here. Here we go. We've alluded to it, and I'm with you fellas for the record. I think this is one of the five or six best country music songs of all time. And we're going to get into it when we rate it in terms of where it falls in the 90s.

But, well, we'll get into that later. Let's get to the lyrics. I bet you've never heard old Marshall Dillon say, Miss Kitty, have you ever thought of running away? Settling down, would you marry me if I asked you twice and begged you pretty, please? Hell no, hell no, you ain't never heard him say that, Dirk. you know why she ain't no queer ain't nothing gay running off with a woman god damn hell no no men real men don't do that they don't root to it nor she you they stay on their fucking horse do fucking horse

stuff not the woman stuff do you remember that group that donald glover was in in college that did sketches on college humor yeah yeah yeah Derek it was called comedy yeah they had a sketch where a dude's pushing a baby carriage and he's like what is that his buddy's like what is that and he goes oh i had to buy this today, you know, for my wife. You went shopping for a, for a baby carriage. That's fucking gay, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's gay. It's gay to make love to a woman until we have a kid together. Right, but, but, don't y'all feel like that is sort of the kind of undertones of these lines? It's like, you know, who would never do no bitch-ass shit like that is Marshall Dillon, but what he's talking about

is running, you know, settling down with a woman or whatever. Don't you think the under- real men don't do that. that. And don't you think the undertone of the show, though, like whatever this song is alluding to, is that Marshall Dylan couldn't be with Miss Kitty because she's

a former whore? And, like, they just couldn't have that on TV. I didn't think about it that way. She ran a whorehouse. Yeah. Right. So, yeah, so you think it's more like Miss Kitty ain't no dinner thing?

Yeah. Dude, it was like, it's hard enough letting a whore talk on TV. Sure, yeah. Marshall. Hell no. I mean, yeah, fair enough. Let's get back to it. She'd have said yes in a New York minute.

They never tied the knot. His heart wasn't in it. He just stole a kiss as he rode away. He never hung his hat up at Kitty's Place. I should have been a cowboy. I should have learned the rope and ride. I'd be wearing my six-shooter riding my pony on a cattle drive. Still in the young girl's hearts, just like Jean and Roy, singing those campfire song,

oh, I should have been a cowboy. The first thing that stands out to me about this compared to the 2000s era of country music, that this gentleman would later help usher in is that he is, he being the protagonist, the singer of the song, whatever you want to call him, the first person here, not a winner. Right.

He is someone who is lamenting that he didn't learn to rope or a ride. Right. No one would ride a country. Someone could be born with a silver spoon shoved all the way up into their throat from their asshole in Connecticut. And if they made it as a country music singer right now, they would never,

ever allude to not being able to rope or ride. I agree with that 100%. Does this also mean that he's saying he married a whore? Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Like, but you know who wouldn't have done this shit is Marshall Dillon? I did.

Right. I did. You know who wouldn't have married their sorry ass? Fucking somebody that hits. I'm like, maybe. I wish I'd have been a real man. Yeah.

Well, I mean, that is the subtext of the song, though, is I wish I was a real man. For sure. I mean, you're right.

It's funny. There's no country music made like that now. No, you're 100. I never really thought about the song that way, but I mean, you're totally right. But it's like,

it always felt like a, like, whimsically nostalgic or something. something, you know what I mean? Like, it was like, that era, like, waxing rat, I was born in a wrong time, about a bygone era. Yeah, exactly. I always sort of, like, thought about it more that way.

But I do agree with you, though, and it is wild. How old was y'all about to out myself as a real dumbass here? But how old was y'all when you found out a pony weren't just like a young horse? Oh, I'm talking five years ago. Yeah, right. Okay. At least. I was definitely a grown man.

It was honestly, yeah, it was the, it was meeting. When Kiwi came in our life, I started learning. about the various types of... Smaller horses. Yeah, equine. Yeah. Diminative equine. Because I thought a pony was like a puppy.

I did too. I thought a pony was a horse puppy. That's what I thought. I thought it was a small pony. A tiny horse was a horse puppy that didn't grow. I just thought it was a small horse. It is. That's what it is.

But I always thought, like Corey said, I always thought a pony was the horse equivalent of a puppy is what I always thought until, like, deal until like I was 20 something I mean I was definitely I don't know about cows no I mean I'm I mean I'm half too sure I know I'm being I'm being serious it was it was on the well-read comedy tour because of Kiwi like starting talking about tiny horses and stuff and the first time I heard tiny horse I was like pony they were like no and I was like okay and then I learned it yeah I've learned a lot of stuff most of the stuff that I know I learned in the past five years

you're welcome so wait a hot let me just from the first standout where he's basically saying yes do you know who marshal dylan is too sure no so there's a show called gun smoke that was set in Dodge City and it was from the era of television

in which westerns dominated serialized westerns was the shit and it was about a marshal in the town who had to, you know, take care of business and get rid of the bad guys. He had a sidekick named Festus. That's the sidekick with a funny name. Who talked like this?

Oh, goodness, Marshal, what are we going to do now? I think Miss Kitty's a whore. Yep. And it was very much Opie-esque. Like, that was the formula for their dynamic. Miss Kitty ran the saloon in town, was a reformed whore. And she would help him out.

She would always help the marshal. and have his back. There were shootouts and like I said it was serialized and for people my father's age, which Toby Keith falls in line with that, this was their childhood. Got it. Okay, sorry. Go ahead with your first stanza analysis.

I just wanted to... No, analysis. I was just like, so he's basically saying that this guy, this kind of apex of masculinity would have never run away with this horror. No. Right. No. And now he's saying, now the guy, the, the, singer is basically saying,

I married a whore, I should have been a cowboy. I know. That's a phrase vote. You got it. Yeah. Right. Well, I feel like, you know, you pull that thread far enough and that's where you end up at.

Like, yeah. This guy who idolized would have never married a horror. I mean, it's definitely either that or he wishes he could still murder Indians. Like, there's only two ways to go with it, you know. And who's Gene and Roy? Are those? Yeah, Jean Autry and Roy.

Roy Rogers. Rogers. famous old Hollywood Cowboys. So they're Cowboys, but they're called Singing Cowboys. Singing Cowboys, yeah. And it's like a trope from Old Hollywood where they made westerns and sang. It was like half musical, half Western. So again, all of this is an ode to Hollywood.

And down, right down the road here, what the fuck is that? It's one of the major, it might be Riverside. One of the major roads in Burbank down there when you get to the Los Angeles Zoo, there's the Gene Autry Museum. right there across from it, then I ain't never fucked with, but old, like,

Hollywood Cowboy Museum. That area is also just where they kept the horses and stuff, which is why they still have, like, horse crossing signs. That's true. Yeah, you'll see people riding horses in Burbank.

All the famous horses were there. Like, they had a little ranch there, and like they would lend their horses to any of the westerns. All the famous horses. Mr. Ed, the other ones. It would be,

it would be, I think it was throwing me off, I guess this analysis is, changed what I think about it. But if the singer was some rugged old 75 year old looking back and being like just looking at this in retrospect

as like, oh, I wasted my life. Right. Working in that factory didn't hit. Yeah. Exactly. But this is like especially the video. That would have hit. The video is just like a concert

that intertwines with a bunch of fun scenes. Are you saying that at this point in his career, Toby Keith was young enough where it's like, well, just don't, don't talk about it, be about it. Go be a goddamn cowboy. You still got time, motherfucker. Yeah, that's a theme that we could keep up with a lot of his songs, you know, about wanting to fight in war.

Again, I know I'm the one that's the one that's the one that's the horror element into it and all that stuff. But Corey, what Corey said a minute ago about, like, I always interpreted more as like the, I was born in the wrong time. Yeah, these cowboys don't exist anymore. Right. I agree with that. Lamenting that fact. Like, you know, I was born 100 years too late. I would have hit real hard at that, but, you know, that ship has sailed type of thing is how I should have been a slave owner. Got it. Yes. Yeah, or an Indian shooter. This is the West. Same, same thing. Yeah. Well, I mean, there weren't as many plantation type slavery situations out West, you know, even back then. It was more of Chinese railroad workers, but mostly it was just killing Indians, too. Because if cotton grew worth of fucking Arizona, it'd been ate up with slaves, dog.

Yeah. For sure. I mean, they couldn't quite yet figure out what to do with the guy they. All right. Let's talk about the video. We've already brought it up. It is, as Too Shars said, a line dance concert, interspersed with Toby Keith as an old Western protagonist. And it's the classic Old Western tale where the bandit steals the woman and he has to get her back.

I do like the video. The first thing that I thought when I clicked play and researching this was damn, look how soft Toby Keith looks and how drastically different that is from the image that he portrays now. And I didn't even really mean to back to back this

with me comparing how in the song he's kind of like a loser and now he's a winner in every one of his songs. But even he's got like a curly mullet that they have put product on. I mean, they definitely like put curls in his hair or at least blow-dried it to get it to look like that.

Yeah, but now he's like hit then. It did hit then. Right. For sure. It wasn't like that was. It wasn't like he stood out as like, look at that bitchy man. In the in this. People were like, he's doing it right there.

At this time in the 90s when you went to Olin Mills or wherever it was that you got the photos taking, those glamour photos, the man and the woman had the exact same hair do. he goes like i want to keith whitley and she'll take the keith whitley all right let's do it that uh that's that's theo's joke about his hair cut i think he opens with it on his last special which is like you see this haircut could be could be racist could be lesbian yeah yeah so true um well anyway the the interspersed of the cowboy shots i think they did a good job i like the sepia tone they go they go go back and forth, it's like regular looking shot when they're at the dance hall, and then it's sepia tone.

And it also, to me, makes it look like, and this matches the theme of the song, the singer's dreaming. Right. You know, this is like something in his head that he's imagining, and he's the hero when he's imagining it. Yeah, I like the sepia tone for that reason, too, because there's that contrast between this is what's going down and this is what's in my stupid, you know, fucking loser brain. Yeah, I agree. All right, let's get back to these lyrics. There they are. I might have had a sidekick with a funny name.

Again, I think that's a reference to Festus, but honestly, it could probably be a reference to many sidekicks. Fucking Tonto. Tonto's the only one I can remember, and I failed to look up more. I meant to, and I forgot. It was on my list of things to do, and I failed to get around to it. But it is a trope.

Is Tonto like the Uncle Tom of Indians? Yeah. You got it. Go ahead and say it. Nah. What? No, because Uncle Tom Tom, Tom, that wasn't.

Wasn't Tonto? That's funny. But what, you know, and I'm not super up on Tonto, but like, weren't he super Indian-y? Yeah, he was. I mean, he was never played by a super Indian, but he himself. Well, yeah, they didn't let him do that. He wasn't even played by a super Indian in the reboot.

That was Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp. But, like. Such a wild choice. Yeah, but. But, no, I do think, I mean, that's not. That's not the same. That's not Uncle Tom. Uncle Tom's a different thing.

Like if Tonto had been all white manned up, he'd be the Uncle Tom of Indians. No, I think it's, I know. I think it's a reference what Tushar is getting at. And I think this is partially true, is that he helped the Lone Ranger sometimes against Indians. Yeah. Well, Indians had their own shit going on. They did. They sure did.

They didn't all hit for each other. But that's still literally what an Uncle Tom is. Yeah, right. It's not about like, how. you dress. Like Samuel L. Jackson and Django had his own shit going on too, but like, you know, that's what he was. Where his loyalties.

If people are wondering when it became like not okay for a white guy to play someone from a different race, it's sometime after 2013. I thought Johnny Depp played Tonto in like 05. No. There were people when that happened who were like, really? All right. Yeah. But it wasn't, it just wouldn't even happen now, which is good.

No, never a million years. When it happened then, I remember it was quite the kerfuffle, but it wasn't enough of a kerfuffle to not let it happen. These days, like, and again, for good reason, like they would not make that decision. But yeah, no, y'all are right. Hey, Uncle Tom Tom, Tom. All right. Too short thought it.

We had an Uncle Tom Tom Tom reference on Well Red before, but I don't remember. Definitely. I know that's come up before for sure. All right, well, let's see where we were. Andy's cracking up at Uncle Tom Tom. Might have had a sidekick with a funny name, running wild through the hills, chasing Jesse James. I want to come back to that line.

Ending up on the brink of danger, riding shotgun for the Texas Rangers. Go west, young man. Haven't you been gold? California's full of whiskey. Wainers and gold. Women and gold. Sleeping out all night beneath the desert stars

with a dream in my eye and a prayer in my heart. So I should have been a cowboy. Too sure. The actual line is California is full of whiskey women and gold, but a little well-read history lesson for you. One of the all-time great moments of the well-read podcast, in my opinion. And of course, it's funny that I say that since I was the one who initiated it. No, I don't blame anybody.

The only reason I said we done Uncle Tom Tompon before is because I said. Right. But anyway, we were talking about gay dudes in our hometown. towns like being gay in a town like ours and like how often you know they move away mostly and blame and our town is always like yeah they moved out to california moved out to california and turned gay they moved out to california and started sucking wieners and we were like no they moved out to california to suck wainers like that's why they went out there and then this lyric popped in my head and i was like as soon as i as soon as i said the first like three words

they both jumped in and we changed it to go west young man haven't you been told california's of whiskey wainers and gold. And it hit real hard too, Sharre. And see, if this song, if this song it hit for you for 30 years, you'd be like, God damn, that's incredible. Okay. Yeah.

Because it is. But anyway. Oh, that's hilarious. If this song hit for you for 30 years, man, you didn't really like that. You'd really love that. It would have landed way more. But anyway.

All right. This stanza, you know, Toby Keith with this song It's all in here This is a great song But the person he became It's in this song And you can see it in this stanza

Jesse James was a bank robber He was an outlaw He was a killer But he also was in some stories A little bit of a Robin Hood figure If I'm not mistaken In the sense that part of the way he got away with Is people would hide him

They liked that he stole from banks He would give money to people who needed it The Pinkertons was the law, God damn it. And Law don't hit. Wild don't go around here, law, dog. Now, dude. The Pinkertons were both the law and corporations lackeys when it comes. Yeah, they were like privatized police.

Yeah. Or worst. And here is Toby Keith wishing he was born at that time, wishing he was chasing Jesse James, and that he was literally a Texas Ranger. Yeah, Pinkerton's like old time of Blackwater. Yes. And the Texas Rangers, there's some who are, you know, known or believed to be heroic like Wyatt Earp. But there's some other ones who were even in history, even in American cop-loving history, were known to be douchebags.

So Toby Keith is siding with the cops, even in the 1800s. Let me ask you to think about this musically and as a songwriter. Once you've got, should have had a sidekick with a funny name. Yeah. you're going to be the one chasing Jesse James. For sure. Like we're talking about practicality and terms of lines. Or you could have a sidekick with a funny name,

and we were hiding out robbing banks with Jesse James. Running out while through the hills beside Jesse James. Hiding out robbing banks with Jesse James. Yeah, but then you get the danger and ranger. Yeah, on the brink of a danger. Shooting your shotgun at the Texas Rangers. Yeah, shooting my gun at the Texas Rangers. Saying suck my dick, cop.

I'm always in danger. Jesse James didn't hit I mean I always felt like it was like there wasn't a whole lot of consistency with those stories in my opinion in terms of like sometimes the law man what you know dude and fucking tombstone

yeah why damn the law hits in that movie the wall hits so hard in that movie and I feel like it varies from story to story like sometimes the outlaws are fucking horrific sometimes they are kind of folk hero and it's all like, it's all just up to myth and lore, in my opinion,

well, back then it was also up to the newspaper man who was writing that story. I mean, yeah, Winners write history, and that's why, like,

that movie portrays Doc Holliday as a, doing your wrong, man with demons, but ultimately, you know, the hero, whereas in real life,

Doc Holliday, probably a huge bag of shit. Doc Holliday didn't hit? I've, I've heard some... Really? Yeah, that, like...

That don't hit. I never knew that. Well, I mean, it's, again, all speculations. In my head, I've heard, Val Kilmer. I've heard, well, I've heard equal amounts of things and watching Tombstone that he does hit. So, you know, it's who to believe. But, like, you know, Doc Holliday.

I'm sure Billy the kid was a little fuck face who didn't hit, I bet. For sure. For sure. I mean. Probably raped. Probably raped cows and shit. Like, hey, Toshar, I don't have for you. I mean, they fucked around with horrors.

He didn't have to raise. Better than need them. But, I mean, Doc Holliday was a was a Southern. aristocrat. Let's not forget about that. I mean, the man's from Georgia during this time. Yeah, but he definitely Hunter Biden did in that. He was like, look, I'm rich. There's many

ways I could go. And the way I'm going with this is I'm going to gamble it all the way and fuck horrors. Yeah, we would have been huge pussy queers to all of them on all sides. Oh, we'd have been Billy Zane in that goddamn movie. Yeah, sure. But take that movie aside. Let me just read you some things about the Pinkertons.

I know the Pinkerton. has never hit. Okay, but Jesse James was their biggest nemesis. Mm-hmm. So it's like... Two things can be right. Two things can be right or wrong. I'm saying the Pinkertons cannot hit

and also Jesse James could have deserved to get caught, is what I'm saying. He may have deserved to get caught. I'm just saying that it was a choice for my man to be a Texas Ranger instead of an outlaw when you're writing about these movies. Because even inside these movies, there are a lot of movies

that made Billy the kid and the James Younger game look like the heroes, even back then. So for him to be writing an ode to that time period and choosing to fall squarely on the side of the law, in my opinion, is a choice. So I don't want to get too sidetracked by this, but I've been thinking about this kind of thing quite a bit lately because me and Katie are rewatching the show Black Sales, which is fucking awesome. We've watched it before. We're rewatching it now. It was on Stars. It's a pirate show. So rad.

Pirates. So rad. Pirates are right. They're cool. That's the wildest ending I've ever seen. They hit for 35 fucking men. They hit for everybody, right? I feel like. And it's like, in pirate, there were some, like, pirates were like largely democratic, genuinely.

They were like, they voted on shit. No man was considered better than the other. They were diverse. There was fucking women pirates. There was black pirates. They freed slaves and shit like that. But they also robbed and murdered. Everybody stole.

everything. They sold as many slaves as they freed. They were like, they were not good, dude. Well, they also weren't one thing. And at the same time, like some ships were had these kind of pirates on it. And at the same time, the sort of like the governors and shit who were opposed to them, they were like, they had trials,

show trials and stuff like that. But they were like fucking civilized and had decorum and all this stuff. And also own slaves and subjugated entire peoples and lands and all this stuff. And it's like, I just feel like when you get into the past, fucking didn't nobody hit. Like nothing hit about the past except for like the downtrodden. They were fine. But they stunk. I mean, goddamn.

But no, you know what I mean. It's just like. I do know what you mean, but I think I fundamentally disagree with you on one way, which is that when you look at the pirates, like I, like, I have to say, well, what were their goals versus what were the goals of these aristocrats who were doing show trials of them? And their goal was basically to disrupt the world economy because they felt like where they were from wasn't being treated fairly by the people who claimed ownership over that place, but weren't even there. So in that battle with them, I'm on their side.

It doesn't mean I think they're saints. It doesn't mean I think they're perfect. It doesn't mean that I think they belong on some kind of pedestal where we talk about them like they're straight up heroes. but in the battle of pirates versus the British crown, I'm team pirates. Yeah, me too, ultimately. I'm just saying that's just what I meant by two things could be true. Right, you know.

Yeah, I'm also team pirates. I think almost everybody's team pirates, but I'm saying it, like, I feel like if you step back from it, you're like, but, you know, also pirates, they ought not be romanticized. Jesse James murdered innocent people. Right, and the outlaws in the old west, I feel similarly about, is the parallel I'm trying to draw, you know.

know, like. Right. I agree with that. But what I'm saying is if you're writing a song about those movies and you side with the law enforcement every stanza, you know, every line, I just, I just feel like it was, you know, if it wasn't a choice, then it was just so deep inside of it. Well, right, but I'm saying like, if he's doing an ode to these Hollywood westerns, like the lawman was the protagonist.

You know what I mean? Like he was. And I'm saying not always when it comes to outlaw movies. There were plenty of outlaw movies that made the outlaw look like the hero. And that was based on a lot of those newspaper men's writings. And, you know, Wild Bill. Wild Bill was an actor who pretended to be an outlaw and, you know, met the queen and had his own bar. Like, it was a thing both back in the 1800s and in old Hollywood to, you could write or make a movie that was pro outlaw.

A lot of people did. Yeah, no, I get it. I'm just saying like, and I know this is me agreeing with. you and that he's taking the pro law side but like he this is coming to it from a roy rogers gene altry shit and they were the baby face cleaned up law man you know so you know what you're gonna do it could have done both i don't hit i mean he's done all kinds of you've got singing cowboy you've got marshall dillon well anyway would have for me if he did both don't hit for y'all i mean i wouldn't

change one thing about this song so so there's that i just yeah i don't know i never um i never thought twice about none of that i hear where you're coming from with it but i still think it's like uh like what court like all of it's alluding to like the that gun smoke singing cowboy old hollywood western era and i feel like corey's mostly right about the though in those movies and shows The good guy, the protagonist, was the dude that rounded up the outlaws. Got the outlaws out of town and all that type of shit, which is, you know, so it makes it makes sense with the rest of the song, in my opinion, for that reason. I mean, I hear you, but if you just type in old westerns about Billy the Kid, like 17 pop up.

He's the hero in all of them. Which one? I mean, I know there's been movies where he's not, like, there's a... Well, one was called Billy the Kid in 1930. then there's Billy the Kid returns in 1938 there's Robert Taylor as Billy the Kid 1941 the outlaw which is about Billy the Kid

Yeah I mean I don't I don't know what to say about it What do you mean? I don't know I mean yeah their outlaws were like Again some of them were like folk heroes or whatever I just don't like I thought just what I was saying earlier about the fucking I don't feel like it's consistent when you're talking

talking about westerns. It goes both ways, in my opinion. Sometimes you're supposed to be rooting for the sheriff. I feel like it's just as, it's just as, like, it's even-handed. Like, you, it's a fucking coin flip. Whether you're supposed to be rooting for the sheriff or the fucking outlaw. So if he's like saying, I'm going to be a ranger, you know, like, dude, Matt Damon is that Texas Ranger in True Grit, he hits, that's fucking, you know, like, all I mean is the era in which he's lamented, like, if he's specifically just doing the, you know, he's, he's specifically just doing the whole Hollywood Western serialized

television show. And movies, whatever. But if he's just, it's, it's Roy Rogers' lunchbox fucking westerns. And in that one, the fucking Lawman was always the hero. I think he's not just referencing TV shows. He specifically

references people who are movie stars. Does he not? Which ones? Marshall Dillon, Roy Rogers. I know Roy Rogers, Royal Rogers did like 50 movies, did he not? Well, yeah, they all ended up doing the movies too, but like, you know, Lone Ranger and Tonto, that was a show.

The Roy Rogers fucking trail hour or some shit, presented by Colgate. I don't know. But yeah, I mean, hell, they would stick them motherfuckers. They were already on the lot, put them in a goddamn cowboy hat. Well, I feel like we're saying the same thing. My conclusion is slightly different. It is a toss-up. but his song is not a toss-up.

His song is very explicitly pro-law. On the subject of what Toby Keith became, what's ironic about this, I do a quick version of this. The last time I ever went downtown in Nashville was with some people who've never been there before. Y'all know the story. We're on Broadway.

Downtown Nashville don't hit, especially if you're from Tennessee, because it's just filled with tourists who are all cosplaying as our cousins and shit. They're like dressing up as fucking. Country boys or whatever. whatever. And it's annoying and they're drunk as fuck and it just don't hit, right? But I went there with some people that were from out of town,

they've been there before. And so I went there with them and we're in the stage, I think, downtown, which my buddy Dustin Thompson got kicked out of for screaming at the band for playing train. Right. So, but years later, we're in there and the band is playing all these country songs and they start playing courtesy of the red, white, and blue, the boot in your ass, Toby Key song. And when they start playing, playing it. Everybody's singing along with it. A dude out of nowhere in a cut off camo vest and camo pants jumps up on the bar and starts waving a gigantic American flag back and forth across the whole crowd as they're singing along to we'll put a boot in your ass. It's the American way. And this is after already been in there for an hour. And I've already been fed up with these motherfuckers anyway. And then that starts happening. And I'm drunk. So I start screaming, Toby Keith is a registered Democrat. Toby Keith is a registered Democrat. And I got kicked out. Yeah, of course.

And people, the people, who are who it's like, is that true? And here's the deal. It was for a long time. I think when that song came out, because I remember reading about it in Rolling Stone, I don't think he is anymore. But my point is,

at this point in time, like he, you know, Toby Keith wasn't the Toby Keith that he turned into later, in my opinion, based on shit I had read about him. You know, and he's full bore fucking,

you know, Patriot nowadays for sure. But I don't think he always was, especially like this early in his career, unless I've been misled the whole time. Yeah. Yes.

I just want to add, like, I think it doesn't matter if it is a cowboy or the sheriff or whatever the fuck. This is up against a quote normal life with an ex-hor in this case. like that's that that's that's the battle here is like do i go live an exciting life maybe die have a good time or do i sling the day to day and then have to have a regular job and all that

stuff right man's epic kind of like decision to make well and it's also when the choice of the director which who knows if toby keith had any say in this the there's a there's a few like classic western tales this one was save the girl from the bandit. And Toby does that. There's a shootout, of course, but Toby saves the girl. Doesn't kill the last guy.

Just pulls his gun on him, and then he runs away. They don't even kiss, which I didn't know if that was like because in the song, he don't run away with her or whatever. You know, it's like, listen, I'll save you.

We're not getting married. I got other bitches to save. This ain't no dinner thing, as Trey said. I love the video. I genuinely do. I think it's perfect for what the song is. if it had just been a Western,

they could have run the risk of it not making sense or being cheesy or whatever. So I like the way it cuts back and forth. I'm pro the video. Hell yeah. I'm also pro the video. I love anything in Sepia tone. I think it's a great choice.

Yeah, it's for me too. I feel like it's exactly what... I feel like I could have guessed what this video would be, you know? And I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just like... You know, so many videos from this era, it's just like them sang in the song.

And every now and then you got them singing the song mixed with other shit. And of course, the other shit is, you know, cowboy scenes. So, yeah, fits. I love the guy who got shot or the guy he was up against. His look is fantastic. What about the one guy who got shot and fell to his knees? So he nailed that 1930 death. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. they should have put the Wilhelm scream right behind him. All right, here's one for you. Let's see if I share this. Does that pop up? Oh, yeah, yeah. I thought that was Earl for three straight watches.

Because it's quick. It's quick. It's a quick shot. And then when I took the pictures, when I was like, that's definitely not Earl. I was about to text him. I mean, him and Toby are boys. Yeah, it'd be wild if that's how they met and he just left.

Yeah, right. Oh, yeah, didn't tell you? I could totally see Earl, you know, not thinking to mention something like that, you know. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's almost time to rate it. Let me, I guess, finish reading the lyrics. It's just, for the record, it's an outro of just the hook or the chorus twice. I don't think he changes anything.

Oh, I did want to mention a few things about the lyrics. One, this came out when we were, I was 93. I would have been nine. I thought he said sex shooter. I don't think I knew what a six shooter was at nine years old. It's not a phrase I'd heard in reference to a gun. What? Duddy, you didn't have the little fucking cap gun?

The cap gun? Oh, I had them. Huge, dog. I had cap guns, but I didn't know that you called him a six shooter. And I thought he was saying sex shooter. I mean, maybe I didn't, but I feel like I did. I feel like our age in the South. I grew up watching all these.

Little cowboy kits. I mean, these are a big thing, I thought. These shows that he's referencing were such a huge. part of my childhood. They didn't necessarily hit really hard for me, but like my dad was always watched him, so I definitely heard Six Shooter and all the jargon.

Well, I guess, you know, I'm an idiot. Because, I mean, I feel like I watched those shows. Did Corey just freeze for you guys? No, he looks all right. No. I was just being real still. Maybe I'm freezing for people. Everything seems fine. The other lyric I wanted to mention

the other lyric I wanted to mention is with the dream of mine, a prayer, in my heart. I feel like that type of thing has been referenced. I don't know if Toby's the first one to do it, but that type of phrasing, whether something in my something in a prayer in my heart or a dream in my heart, that's

in like other songs and other movies and stuff now. I don't know if he coined it or, you know, he's just playing off something that's a trope at this point. I don't know, but I love that lyric. Yeah, it does it feels, yeah, I have no idea how long that's been around, but yeah, it definitely feels

tropey but in a way that hits I don't have a problem with it. Well, that's probably a choice here because he was talking about the TV tropes anyway, so that was probably a phrase and he was like, oh, boom, right there. I remember when I was younger, I loved the line stealing the young girl's hearts.

I don't think I knew what stealing hearts meant or maybe this is where I learned it, you know? And that really hit for me, the idea doing that. Yeah, I would love to be this guy. I mean, yeah, that's the point of the song. Again, though, I love how Toby Keyes, and all of country music became a whole genre about pretending you are this guy versus.

Yeah, right, right. Wishing you were. Think about how hot it would have been, no, all the time. Oh, no, they wouldn't have. I watched Cowboys shit and I'm like, God, damn. They're wearing so many clothes. The women, too, walking around their fucking petticoat. Summer in the desert, yeah, women, yeah.

Their bras had cages. And women were stinky and dirty. That rule. That does not hit. They probably had a pair of them. parasites all over them and shit ate up with stuff. Oh, son. Eight up.

Your brain off fucking. You got to pick it off before you get in there. Bro. Yeah. No, it wouldn't a hit. I just, I resisted so many urges to say something racist about India. Go ahead, Tushar.

Oh, come on. Don't stop yourself. What are you doing? How about your horse, Tushar? Are your horse stank in India? Oh, they're the dirtiest. Speaking of that, I don't think I, as usual, no surprise.

here. I don't know what the Bollywood equivalent is, but it would be to see what the rap equivalent to this would be. I've been thinking about it. There's a lot of songs about pimping and being a gangster. Being a gangster, yeah. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. But it has, but that has more of the, I am. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, and there's no rap song that was like, man, I wish I would have been a gangster, but I'm an accountant or something like that. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a cat and a hat. Yeah. There you go. There it is.

Too short. I guess that'll do it. Yeah. Well, there we go. Yeah, because most rap songs are just, they're just talking about how gangster they already are, you know. Yeah. It's a three, baby.

Oh, it's a nine. Yeah, you're right. Three. No, three threes. Three threes. Yeah. Definitely a three for show. Like, if we, if it was, if we made a bracket,

if we ever make a bubble bracket is a one seed, no doubt about it. my mind. I'm going to give it a 2.6 and here's why. Because Toby Keith seems like a little bit of a, like this is not the right guy to be singing this song. Do you know what I'm saying? He's not old enough. He's not really playing the park.

He's too pretty. You made Corey leave. No, Corey wrote us a note and it's pretty fucking funny. He said, Corey wrote us a note, and I'm going to read it. It says, Amber lit a candle that I'm allergic to. I have to go take care of this real quick because I'm dying, which is, I really enjoyed it. I know that Joe has admitted that he could not have lived that lifestyle, but it is funny that a minute ago he was like, I mean, you know, what a hit to be a cowboy. I got to get out of here.

I can't handle it. This candle's going to kill me. Yeah, Toby Keith is, I mean, he's a singer, you know, he's an artist. He's not a tough cowboy. but I guess I know what you mean to, Shahr. It's funny because I think if you saw him now, he definitely looks like he is that. Number one.

Number two, I happen to know, and he may have made this up, but his backstory is that he was a college football player. He got hurt, and then he went and worked in oil fields as a roughneck for a while, which is one of the closest things to being a cowboy we still have in America, and it's very hard.

So I actually think that Toby Keith probably is a pretty, he's very big, I know he's a big dude, pretty rough and tumble. He looks very purdy in this video. Okay, fine. It's a three. First change I've ever had. There we go.

I mean, I despise him, but I do, it's just interesting. I give it a three, too. I think a much more interesting question that we will close out on is, is this the greatest country song from the 90s? I don't think it's the greatest country song of all time. If y'all want to make that argument that it is, we can have that discussion. But if we're doing Bubba-era country music, you know, I think of Chattahoochee.

I think of some Brooks and Dunn songs. Like there's strawberry wine, which we've covered. Is this the best one? I think it is. It's hard to beat, man. I mean, I put Neon Moon up there too. For me personally, this and fancy would be neck and neck. Fancy's a cover, though.

It's a cover, but you're right. It's so good. I mean, you're right. Yeah, it does kind of take that into it. account. It's definitely up there without a doubt. It's on the Mount Rushmore of Bubba heads. Without question. Yeah. All right. Well, I thought that would elicit more conversation, but we have strawberry wine and an all-timer for me too, for sure. Strawberry wine's great. And it has a lot more statutory rape in it. Um, it don't have to. You're the one who put that in there. Always have been.

You made that decision, Drew, to make that song about rape. And we all know it. The legislature of Florida, Tennessee, Georgia, We don't know where the song takes place, so you can't know that. I'm just sounding you in all the states where if it did take place, just statistically. Okay, but let's say it don't. It don't.

God damn it. It don't. Okay. Let's do another. I think it's the greatest one. And, yeah, anybody got closing thoughts then? It's. It does it.

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