wellRED podcast - F***** Internet Influencers & Argentina! (and more)

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

Hey all! Today we talk about some stuff we hate (us? surely not!) Topics include but are not limited to: -Weight loss experiences and calorie counting -Political cynicism and media critique -Internet personalities and influencers (blegh) -Media manipulation and conspiracy theories Go to TraeCrowder.com for tickets to see Trae DrewMorganComedy.com CoreyWritesForYou.com to listen to/read Corey's work FOR FREE! This episode is brought to you by SquareSpace! go to SquareSpace.com/WellRED then when you are ready to launch, use promo code WellRED to save big bucks!

They're the terrible but sex. They care way too much, but don't give a fuck. Next, that makes some people upset, but they got three big old dicks that you can suck. Are we here? We are here. We're here, everybody, the well-read podcast. Drew, presumably will be joining us in a moment.

Sure, yeah. We've been an RSVP from him. Not that that means nothing. No, it means absolutely. Absolutely nothing. Hey, can I ask you. Go ahead. Go ahead.

No, you go ahead. No, you go ahead. No, you go ahead. I want to ask you a serious question. Because I have lost, and this is not to brag, but it's going to sound like a brag. I've lost around 20 pounds in the past four weeks. Can you tell even a fucking little bit in my face? Yeah, I think a little bit, yeah.

Really? Mm-hmm. Okay. I was very much expecting you to say. Four weeks. Is that what you said? Yeah. Yeah, I've lost about five pounds in a week, so I'm on the same trajectory.

And I feel the same way. Are you, is your microphone a little quiet? Less fat. I mean, I don't think so. It is to me. I'm getting yellow and red on my levels when I look at it. It's fine. Anyway, yeah, I guess we can talk about that until Drew shows up and then act like we

weren't talking about it because he's a skinny bitch. It don't know nothing. Damn it. There he is. Yeah, I know. We was about to talk about fat stuff, Drew, but we can in your presence. I mean, I guess we can. So it's like, it's just truly unfair the way, like, when you start, I've been through multiple periods of my life where I'm like, I'm counting calories, right?

But I would keep like a running count in my head, like an autistic guy to blackjack table. You can't do that, you know? And the number, the number would be fine. But I, meaning like, I wouldn't lose track of the number or nothing. And I would tell myself every time I would be like, this is a liberal estimate, meaning like I'm overestimating on purpose. Exactly. Just to cover my basis. But right now, I'm like counting calories with like a fucking app and shit that I ain't going to name because they're not paying us or nothing.

But I'm counting calories with like an app. And I've been realizing like, oh, wow. Yeah, way off. It's like way off. It's pretty bananas, dude, because it's like I'll, I'm still getting the 2000-ish calories a day easy. And I ain't, I've not eaten anything but like vegetables and proteins pretty much in like, you know, a week or so. And it's still like, I'm still right. I'm still bumping up against the fucking ceiling with nothing but like healthy foods and shit.

So it's like you just can't, you just can't have nothing. You know when we talked about on here when Lee Baines and the Glory Fire stayed at my house and they could all just sleep in the floor, no problem? And I was like, that's got to be part of making it. And then we talked about like LeBron, like, it's not just that he's like better at basketball. He's probably like better at sleeping. And then there's like that guy who got drafted who like couldn't fly because he has anxiety, even though he was like a generational talent. He went to Iowa State. I don't know his name Roy something.

There was a golfer like that too. Mark's buddy Tone Bell who has been a working actor in numerous things I think he's in something called Yeah, a new Netflix series That's apparently hitting Something about fit girls

Yeah something like that He said one time Casually wasn't like in a braggart way Like he was just joining in He was like yeah I mean it's not It's not hard to just do like 1800 a day For about three weeks Yeah, yeah it is

And I thought And you were I don't remember this trade This is my birthday party that time he came and we ended up at my house because it, like, stormed. Yeah. You were like, what? Dude, it's easy to have $1,800 breakfast on accident. Yeah. I mean, even, I don't know how I can have $1,800 by the time dinner is over.

Keep in mind, I don't, like, really eat breakfast, though. And it's like, but I'm, like, start, like, straight up hungry again, you know. That's the other part about doing it this way, eating, like, lower calories and tracking them and eating healthy foods and stuff is like you just you'd be hungry out you know i used to you hungry to gorge myself until i was sick and wanted to die right and the upside of that even though i was in consuming 5 000 calories at a time was that i'd be late it i basically shot myself with a tranquilizer dart and i'd be satiated misery for hours yeah i wouldn't eat again but doing this right i'm like hungry all day unless i've literally just eaten which i just did i just ate

some chicken breast and shrimp and fucking kabob vegetables and stuff and I'll be hungry again in an hour guarantee it but whatever good kebab but yeah dude I'll tell you what the it is criminal what some of these companies are able to get away with serving size wise and I know that like I know Regan has a tremendous bit about it so I'm not going to retread that but like dude even if you are like being healthy like obviously we know like even like a vinaigarette you know uh that's a better option but it's still got sugar in it. I mean, you can get the sugar-free. What a serving size of vinegar it is for, like, just a normal salad that you would want.

Like, it don't even come close to covering all them goddamn leaves. Don't even come close. You need at least faux servings of dressing. At least foe. And then, you know, Bob's your uncle. Yeah. I portioned out of, like, an actual serving size of peanut butter the other day. It's insane.

My heart. Peanut butter in my heart. Yeah, dog. A handful of cashews. Oh, mayonnaise too, yeah. Anything that hits, really. Hits. Tina butter and menis are the two that I'm like, what, what is that for?

Who is that for? Razzie? No, it's so unfortunate because, like, you know, celery is one of the best things you can do for, because it, it, maybe this is a lie. I've always been told that, yeah, you burn more calories eating celery than exist in celery. And also there's a lot of fiber. which makes you shit.

And some people are like, and if you don't like to taste the celery, which I do, I mean, I obviously want some flavor on it, but I don't mind celery. They're like peanut butter and celery is a healthy snack.

Bro, if you have three pieces of celery all lined with peanut butter, that's 550 goddamn calories. Easy. It's easy, dog. Easy. Yeah.

I mean, law. It is wild and don't hit. But then, yeah, go ahead. Back up just a little bit, Cho, just for a second. Okay, never mind. I thought that was the top of a Raiders shield for a second there.

No, it's a black and silver crest situation. It's a bar in Seattle called the Shambles, and it was like a really good, they had like really good charcutory and meats and like in-house butcher and stuff. I love that. And also like craft beers and shit. I had a great time there. I don't know if y'all want to talk about this or not. We can or not.

It's fine with me either way. But like, are there? any, it's just kind of funny to me how Raven it is. It's like, unless I'm forgetting someone, and I mean, I probably am. In recent history, there's been two, like, I'll shout it from the rooftops, and of course, not me,

not any of us, but somebody, what we need is, right, a, like, straight white working class, like, left wing progressive person, right? That's what, like, that's what the, is this about the planter feller? Yeah, but it's also, it's not just him, because, again, unless I'm forgetting

someone, I'm sure I am, two times in recent history. First, it was John Federman, right? Who I know for a fact, it's easy to forget now, but I know me and Mark both were jerking him off hard. Me too. When he first showed up, we were like, this is it. This right here is exactly it. And then he's all fucking brain damage and loves Israel and is out of his fucking mind now.

And then the second guy that comes around is Graham Blatter. And it's like, oh, by the way, he's got a Nazi tattoo and he's sex and all these women to all this stuff. And you're like, of course he did. But that's, but you know what we're going to pass that? sure it also just came out. It's way worse than those two things. No, I was getting to that. I was saying, I was saying it was that.

It was that. And we were like, well, of course he does. And that's great and very raven and not ideal. But we're just going to look past that for now. And then now it's like, no, he's a full-blown rapist or whatever else and he's going to have to drop out. But it's like, it's a really bad look for us like working class white dudes. Yeah. Like the only real progressives you can fucking get are like, you know, the squad, like, you know, women's and people of color or all.

old-ass Jewish guys. Like, you know, it's like we really are anomalies, I guess, because every straight white man turns out to be a piece of shit. What working class dude wants to be a politician? I know, well, that's the problem. Usually just the monasticity. Period. Yes.

I mean, that's the problem with all of them is that the people you really want to be doing it have no interest in doing it. So. Yeah, for sure. But it still is just, it's just real raven is all I'm saying. Dudes that have raped, which I assume. For any rapists listening, you can email us because I'd like to know.

Like, if you've done that, which, you know, this is all allegedly like, why the fuck do you run for office? Yeah, I should have said the, as a Democrat, if he'd have, you know, I would argue that going into right wing politics and punditry and stuff. If you're a rapist is a fucking class, class, a class, Jesus Christ, a top class maneuver, you know, that's going to take you pretty far. That's what Russell Brand has done. It's a time-owner tradition. I'll tell you what DJ thinks if you're interested. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

He's convinced it was an op from the jump. He's like, you're telling me that Platon. Ancient Samarians. No, no. Like either like real hardline centrist corporate dims or the right wing. Right. Yeah. Who are like, look, what they need is a left-wing working class guy.

and before they can get one, let's ruin that for them altogether. Let's plant that. One theory. I mean, it makes you feel better. Don't that make you feel better? Like, I see? We just got ruined by somebody else again. I mean, it definitely, I do feel like that's why conspiracies are so popular is because it gives you, even though it's doom, it does give you a sense of relief somehow, even though it's morbid relief.

Yeah, the Illuminati did it. I mean, I've been saying that for years, and that was the first thing. It's like, I wish 12 people were to blame for this. Right. Like, you know, you can, as a liberal, you can fucking still order from Amazon because you're like, I mean, dude, at the end of the day, it's the Illuminati. Like, it's, it is kind of a relief to have the fucking sinister six up there, uh, clearly doing all this bad shit. Obviously, I'm being, uh, sarcastic, but still, I think that subconsciously, that's, that is kind of a thing. Yeah.

But it is, it is just a bummer because it's like, you know, with like mom donnie. who super hits, right? But it's like, hey, he wasn't even born here so he can never run for president either way, right? But don't hit. No, it don't. But even if he could, he's like, you know, he's a Muslim and everything. And it's like...

Could he be on the ticket for vice president? I don't know. I don't think not. That would run in the line of succession, but I don't know for sure about that. But either way, and it's like, but every other thing about him is awesome. It's same with AOC.

It's like, so much about her. It's awesome. She's a woman. She's a woman. You know, that's a shame. And y'all know what I mean when I say that's a shame. It don't have for me that that that seems to be the way it is, but it does just seem to be the way that it is. If you're talking about the rest of the country in a general election, at least for now.

But we just can't, we just can't find nobody that's fucking got that, but without the, you know, Muslim vagina. Trade Crowder. And nobody knows who we got. Well, no, but again, to Drew's point, like, it. almost feels like we never will because when you start thinking about who that person is, I can't think of a single one of them that would want to do politics, even as like a call-to-arms type thing. Well, here's one for you.

Even as they like, do what? Here's one for you. How are we going to feel when old Cliff Cash runs? He's going to. I don't know if you've been following him lately, but that feels like where this is heading. You know what? You're probably right, Drew. And it's like, I don't know.

I feel like the skeleton, I would think the skeleton. I would think the skeletons in his closet would be of the early on Graham Platiner Reddit post variety. And I don't even know. For sure. Because Cliff is just like old jokes he used to do? Well, he's just, dude, he's been, he's just. He's a good looking dude.

He probably sexted with some women. Allegedly. I'm talking about, I'm just talking about shit he's posted. And it's, but I'm saying it's not like with Platner. Some of that. Yeah, he ain't a war criminal. I wasn't trying to say that. I just was like, how are y'all going to feel when a comedian runs?

and I brought up one who I think is going to. It's really what I was getting at. Well, there ain't no Cliff Cash or crime video, I don't think. Right. I know. I just mean, you've seen some of his post,

right, where he just, like, he just gets, he sort of shows his ass on the internet sometimes is what I'm saying, but not in the same way that Platter did. So I think they would, they'll dig some stuff up,

but it won't be nearly as bad as any of that if clip does run. So I don't. But I was trying to get out, you don't have to talk about clip specifically. Like, we're going to have that. We're going to have. Well,

I mean, And we had Franken. It was like since Trump, the entertainer has run. And I mean, I guess we've had it with Franken to some extent. We're going to have, for lack of the better word, influencers run soon. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're correct. Like that is what currently?

And if they got a good politics, what are we going to do with that? And I mean, personally, how do you feel about it? It, like, freaks me out a little bit. I mean, look, when it comes how I, how I would vote, you know, if we're talking primary versus, like, general, like, look, if they are the person and they're up against the Trump person, and obviously I got no problem with it, but like I don't like the idea of, well, now the bar has been set for, you don't have to be qualified.

I don't really feel like participating in that. You know what I mean? President Jay Paul doesn't excite you? You don't want a Mr. Beast platform coming down the pike. Well, I was thinking more in terms of comedians and like the only one that would make sense would be like John Stewart, and he clearly doesn't want to, otherwise he already would, long would have run. But with John Stewart, I feel like it's different because this isn't just, I'm a comedian and I have

great politics and I think it's, you know, time for a change. He's been actively doing political work that's very important for like 25 to 30 years. Like he has done more for the victims of 9-11 than almost anybody on either side of the aisle personally. So that one would feel different. But I just miss thinking about when is a qualified person going to come along. But I don't even know what that looks like anymore. We don't have one because if you've been in politics for the last 20 years and you've had any sort of success with very few, very limited exceptions,

you know, you got there by doing the Ted Cruz thing, which in my opinion is like the opposite of qualified. Right. Yeah. I mean, look, Zelensky, which by the way, when's the fuck? What's going on with that thing? They dwell. Russia just bombed Kiev like yesterday or the day before, and they're having a big NATO summit today, I think. But if you've got to dive in on that.

It's almost like we don't even talk about how there's still a genocide and gods are going on. It is strange. And people always blame, like, the easy target, like the people who care. Like people will be like, yep, don't see all these self-righteous people posting about dead guys and babies anymore. And I'm like, I don't know, dude. My wife posts about it every fucking day. Like, and I have an unfollower, even though sometimes I want to because it's gut-wrenching to look at every day. Maybe it's the fucking media, but it's the same thing, you know, not to get the way of that.

It's the same thing with the Ukraine. It almost felt like there for a minute because I didn't follow that one. I only followed that one when it made headlines because I wasn't invested. I thought it was over there once. There was a time where I went. That is it. Let me look. Yeah.

Dude, I feel the same way about you about that dude that's the people that are always like, oh, so I haven't seen you post about such and such in a while. And they think it's such an own, but like what it really says is like, you should be like me, a person who never cares about anything at all ever, which is very, it's a very weird thing to admit. Like the people who are always like, I don't get into politics or I don't do politics or whatever, like trying to sound cool about it. And I'm like, look, I understand if what you mean by that is like,

I'm not addicted to waking up and reading. NPR and I don't listen to Pod Save America. Like, I get that. Like, you're not huge into it. But being like, I'm not at all concerned, nor do I care about what's going on in the world. And that is my personality is kind of wild to me. Because, like, I know all three of us wish that we didn't have to care about it so much. But that would require a competent government, which we do not have.

Yeah, I don't know. No. I mean, like, just in the park, yes. generally you should do more running. But careful, though, you'll get shin splints. I know I've been there. Yeah, I hear you, buddy. I just want you guys to know how dedicated I am.

You guys and the fans listening. Last week I missed because it was about 106 in this room I'm sitting in and there was no good way to do it anywhere else. It's only about 96 in here today, but I pine for death. Yeah. Yeah, I don't hit. I might not be that bad, but I'm in my attic with no AC. and the bee is glistening.

Glisting B. The glistening B, so. That's a good political, dude. You know, like the Raising Cajing, the glistening B. Yeah, the glistening B now. That fucking guy, James Carville. Oh, fuck that guy. He'd been on my shit list lately.

Okay, cool. I ain't seen him lately. I'm so glad I brought this up. I see, I just scroll by and I see him every now and then, and he's looking even more alien than ever. But go ahead, Drew. It's his recent great events. It's just the same thing that he's been doing, but he's more hardcore about it right now.

He's circling the wagons and being just like a super boomer Democrat where he's watching all these candidates that Mom Donnie, what's the word I'm looking for? Endorsed. Endorsed. And he's chastising all of the young people who were excited about those candidates who got behind them as like ignorant and don't understand what they're doing. And they're basically just young, dumbasses who don't know how nothing works. You know, it's like the people who just beat not his and him and his candidates, but the type of candidates he support are just idiots. Yeah, I know.

I don't know what they don't move. I don't know what they don't see your understand about it. Apparently recently all the moderate Democrats in Congress and Senate, like, co-signed a manifesto that was talking about how capitalism is the answer or whatever or something like that. And I was like, you put time and effort. And I'm sure some lobbyists did it for them or whatever. But either way, it's like, it's just how fucking. tone deaf could you be? Because what I was saying earlier, like, oh,

to be clear, oh, Mom Donnie's a brown Muslim guy and he, and fucking AOCs and all this stuff. It's like, the pilot, the progressive policy part is like, that's, that obviously hits for people. That's why I say we need a straight white progressive guy who's legit like that, because to get all these, you know, so they'll vote for them. Middle of the country motherfuckers that don't live and,

you know, up there in the north and stuff. Yeah, man, it's wild. And it's, And it's like, that's fine. You believe in capitalism. That's cool. But it's kind of like when someone says, man, we got a, we got this thing coming up this weekend. We're raising money for breast cancer. And someone goes very angrily and very sincerely, what about the other kinds of cancers?

Right. Right. It feels very like that. It's like, all right, you like capitalism. That's cool. We weren't. What are you talking about? We're getting our ass handed to us by Iran in a war that cost us billions and billions.

of dollars because we support a genocidal ethno state that we are now apparently maybe merging our military with. And then by the way, while we're at it, AI seems to be on the brink of a complete takeover of our economy, if not take over of our culture. And the guy who's chombing at the bit for the president to die is a literal Catholic Nazi, like not, or at least pretends to be, so that he can get power. I'm glad you like markets, I guess, You're the opposition party. Right. What are you doing?

This isn't an original take here, but it's one I think about all the time, which is like literally anytime you see Republicans talking about what will happen if socialism infiltrates our country, they just list off really shitty things that are already happening here. No, or what I love is when they make the little infographics of stuff that, that, hits where they're like, these are the tenets of Democratic socialism. It's like free health care, affordable housing, all this stuff. And they're like, can you believe this shit?

Who owned? They do that all the time. If the Democratic socialists get their way and it was just a list of hits, things that hit. One of them, one of them was Mike Johnson who was making a list. One of them was,

we are going to try the perpetrators of the genocide in Palestine. Mike Johnson was like, right. Like Americans are going to stand for, that and I'm like brother one of them's Joe Biden and another one's Hillary Clinton. I want you to ask your fan base if they like that idea. I want you to ask your voters if they, in Crossville, Tennessee, Mike Johnson, if they like

60 miles from here. I want you, I'm going to go ask them. I'll go door to door. Hey, y'all want us to try Joe Biden for the genocide in Gaza and we'll see if they hate the DSA platform. You fucking idiot. This dude took a red cow with him to Israel. literally in an attempt to bring about the apocalypse as it is written in the book of the revelation.

And he's trying to lecture people on what sounds dumb. Yeah, well, him and his, also him and his teenage son might monitor each other's jacking off or something. So, yeah, you know that. It's not, that's their boners. They're boners. They're boners. So, yeah, he's got this app, him and his son both have. They got bono wraps together?

Yeah, it measures like the stiffness or something or the, like, like, like, like, for your morning wood or something. I thought it was like porn watching. I think that you're conflating. You're saying you're making it sound cool as hell, Corey. You're conflating it. Chase now, I'm talking about how stupid it is.

You're confiding it with that billionaire dude who tracks his teen son's boners, right? Yeah. Yeah, my bad. You're also doing it. Maga Mike Johnson has some kind of app with his teenage son.

It's like an accountability app for watching porn, but I just, you know, humorously turn back to jacked off. You just carve it like Brooks and fucking show. I see. I see. I seriously, it's like, you had a boner for 20 minutes today,

and it's like, look, Dad, if I'd have been jacking off, it only lasted three, you know me, and they're like, good job, son. Way to pray the not gay away. So we have to pray the gay and the not gay away? Yeah, these people are so wild and weird. If you think about your son jacking off every day and put it in your notes out,

you might be a pedophile. It's insane. It's almost, it's not worse than people. pedophile. I take back what I said earlier in no circumstances do you have to hand it to ISIS.

But it's almost more like confounding. Those people are super fucked up and know what they want. This dude's tracking his son's boners to not be horny. Like imagine how confusion that would be to a pedophile. Imagine if a pedophile heard about that like he's tracking his boy's boners.

Right. But to not jack off? What? Yeah. Yeah, I don't get, I don't understand. What's the point here? Yeah. Everything's wild and dumb and don't hit.

I'll tell you what does hit, though, Trey, is making your own website, which you can do, by the way, with Squarespace. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. It's the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out, or you're scaling your business. Squarespace gives you every single thing that you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Get paid on time with professional on brand invoices, online payments. By the way, they help out with SEO, which is search engine optimization, which is something I don't understand, but it doesn't matter that I don't understand it

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of a website or domain. That is promo code well-read, W-E-L-L-R-E-D at Squarespace.com slash well-red. Get you a website. Scoo. I was just complaining to Trey that, as always, I've cursed a team that didn't deserve it. I turned on the game. Egypt was up 2-0. against Argentina.

And I was like, oh, hell yeah. And then Argentina scored three goals inside of 11 minutes. And yeah, almost had two Africans in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, semis there. Yeah.

I know everybody knows that Nazis fled to Argentina or whatever, but like how they got, how goddamn many of them went over there? Apparently, and they fucked a lot. I don't know. I'm saying it wasn't even that long ago,

really. It was 80 years ago. And they're all fucking wild. white and shit like that down there. Well, they was already pretty wide. I mean, that's why they went there. You know that, right? Like, it was a, didn't some

Confederates go there too? Uh-huh. Yeah, there's a whole little town there that's just like still Confederates. Yeah. Yeah. What a wild place. I know.

There's a couple of them country. People up here don't know. They think that once you get past the Rio Grande, it's just all Speeda Gonzalez, you know. Right. But some of them countries down there is just Lily White or, or you know,

got a shit a lot of white. It's not just them. I think it's one of the Guise, Uruguay maybe, or Paraguay. One of those two is a very white country. Europe, man. Even the countries that ain't super white, they got crackers in them. All of them do. I've referenced this before.

That's because of the Brits, yeah? No. I've referenced this before, but I had a bit back in the day. It's a Spanish. That's why they speak Spanish. Yeah, I know, but I thought that we made the Spanish white at some point, too. They are white. No, I know, but I thought that we had done now.

long, long time ago made the Spanish white. I think that back in their colonializing days, they was even whiter. Okay. The Spanish is white. I know. I'm with you. I know. Okay.

The white people in the South American countries are like descended from conquistadors and shit, you know. But Corey said that's because of crissidors. But the Brits didn't do all that down there. That was Spain. It was Spain. Yeah. We're mad on Conquistadors.

That was on one. They were not being very chill. about stuff. Nope. Not even a little bit. Killing everybody's gods and taking their gold and shit. Not cool. Two out of three ain't bad.

Yeah. You know, we came over, the Europeans came over to these two continents and brought all them diseases. And it was like an apocalypse movie, you know? Like everybody knows that we spread the diseases and stuff. But they, it killed like 95, 95% of the populations of these two continents. So it's like so when all the white people got down to like manifest in their destiny and stuff, it was a pretty empty.

Yeah, a lot of destiny to manifest. It was a grave. Country. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Like a zombie movie or something.

Is your point, it'd be kind of hard not to believe God wanted you to do that? No, but I mean, if you were, if you were 18th century dumb, you're just like, I. Richard was right. I'd have believed anything, dude. Well, Corey, Corey sent me a trailer the other day for that new right-wing propaganda, Young Washington movie, which does look pretty, you know, pretty good as far as movies go. But there's a line in it where some old, you know, what are they, what did they call the, what was the side towards Washington fought for?

What were we called? The Continental Army. The Continentalist or just the Continental Army? Yeah, the Continental. It was a Continental Army. Anyway. The Continental Breakfast. Another continental.

We fought for bagels, dude. Hell yeah. In this trailer says, I think, too young Washington, something like, this land will belong with those who have the will to tame it, you know? And I feel like that's the way they think about that type of stuff. You know what I mean? It's like, we guys, oh, we're like, we learned. Clearly can't do it.

They shouldn't tame it. We tamed them and the lamb makes it our land. You think there's any, like, harder. That's what they think. There was ever a moment of like a Viking type who's like, maybe not himself, but his dad or his papal just got utterly slaughtered by some Indians. And then he had to hear some British fucker brag about destroying those very same Indians knowing or not knowing that the reason it happened that way is because 95% of them was dead at that point. I'm saying, just imagine that, you know, like some dib shit. Yeah.

Too many teeth, but not enough at the same time. All they want it to be so bad, you know. Chin in the wrong place. We took a raw out. Yeah, I just did Australian. But anyway, fucking, yeah. But I think that those were. Too far apart.

Yes, they were. So that's anachronistic, but it would still be a funny scene in that new Larry David show, I guess. Two episodes out, I got to watch him tonight. I haven't watched them yet. I got to be, I saw one scene from it that people were. I didn't love that one scene. My buddy Chris loves it. You mean the one that was real on the nose?

Yes, crazy on the nose. By the way, so speaking of that, I talked to my buddy Chris yesterday, and he was asking me if I'd seen it because he's like, dude, I've never heard of anything more up your alley. I'm like, preach, tell me about it. And he was like, dude, it's fucking really great. And he said that each episode is like four sketches.

And that specific sketch, he said, was the only one that was like super pointed or whatever. The rest of them were like, we're more in the vein of Bargatsy's founding fathers type thing. You know what I mean? We're like, obviously there's politics weaved into it, but like they weren't on the nose because Chris would hate that shit. And he said it was a banger.

All right. Well, that's cool. Also, Rob Reiner's last appearance. Yeah. And it's in that sketch that we're talking about. Unless he did multiple sketches for that show or something. Yeah. Which I suppose he might have.

Well, you know, it's what you, you got to be funny, but you also have to try to save the world doing comedy too. So you're going to have that sketch every now and then, you know. I don't, I don't know if you do. No, we don't and we can't and we won't. Influencers will. That's you guys. That's right.

That's right. Oh, yeah. It was like it was folk singers, you know, for a time. Then it was like the actors thought it was going to be then with their speeches. Then it was rappers and comedians. Now it's the era of the influencer activists. I know what you're doing right now and I don't like it. I don't.

I really don't know what I'm doing. I mean, I'm being a little flippant, but I do think that like the people who spoke for the youth movement once upon a time were folk singers. Then I think actors try to take the mantle they failed. I think punk maybe took it for a while. Then I do think it was comedians and rappers. And now I do think it's influencers. Right, but you called me and Trey influencers and separated us from comedians.

I thought that was a dig, like a funny dig. I thought that's what you were doing. think you guys are multifaceted. I didn't take it that way, Drew. Well, I didn't, I thought you were trying to hit. Like, I wasn't offended by it. I am. I do have like a very, like, Larry David or like Bill Hicks' view of influencers being

activists, but I think you guys kind of do too, but I wasn't like, it wasn't a dig. Like, you guys are influencers. And then separately, we live in hell and influencers are activists. Well, I think that's the problem I have with the word influencers, period, is just because it gets thrown around to everybody now. And like to me, influencer has always just meant like, the girl with the duck lips who's like,

you've got to buy this coffee thing. Like they're literally just trying to influence people to buy products and shit to make money. Yeah. And it's like everybody wants to do that now. So now everybody on the internet's an influencer. And I'm like, now I'm just a comedian that's on the internet.

Like, but whatever, you know, it's just, it's a weird word. I think it feels just the same as, like, Like when you used to hear YouTube comedian, it was like, yeah, but just comedians fine.

You know what I mean? Like, yeah, but even I'll even say, because you all, you know how sensitive. I've always been about that. But I've like, I think that, you know, there's plenty, there was plenty of people then and I'm still, still now it's like a YouTube comedian. I would separate the two. I just used to be like, yeah, but I am just a comedian and now I'm on YouTube. I was a comedian first. It's different.

But there are like, you. YouTube comedians and a lot of them that is true. Now to date, the lines have gotten blurred a ton, obviously, from when I and we fucking started 10 years ago. Now you like have to do both things pretty much. You don't have a choice really, but you sure do. But also like would you guys either of you or both of you, I don't know whoever wants to answer it, God agree that you do have different lanes that you occupy now? Other than what?

What do you mean? Like you do stand up and you do comedy videos and then you do another thing. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I do. I call myself an inner comedian all the time. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I just call, honestly, I've just started calling myself an entertainer because that's kind of how I identify now because like let's, I mean, I did a show last week, but let's face it, I ain't been on the road in a while.

I'm not banging a lot of sets in. So just it's like I know I'm a stand up comedian and I've definitely earned not having to do it all the time to call myself that. But like, I write more, I make more sketches. So I'm like, yeah, entertainer feels fine. That's good. To me, the lesson, and sorry, you know, I am both of your seniors here. Sorry to be the old wise man.

But to me, but to me the first lesson. And the first lesson to me was, and I've told this story before, and it's an anecdote, but it's completely true, completely true. I got bumped from an audition at the stand after being, like, really nervous for it and all that and I had to do it the next night. by someone from YouTube who no one had never heard of who never done stand up

and me and my friends all were like, fuck this guy and fuck this clown and fuck this industry and this whole stupid. And we're above this. And then Trey went viral within the next seven days and the lesson was,

stop being a bitch. Right. Do what they do. So like, right. Just like, you're an input. Take the word back. Learn from black people.

It's your word now, Corey. You can say it with a hard hour no one else can. Well, that's, I mean, yeah. Yeah, that's fine. And it's the influencer. And really it is just specific words. Like I hate the word content too.

Like, and all these words cropped up at the same. Like, I hate the word content because that just means stuff. You know what I mean. And I don't like, I don't like, I know that it's stuff. And it's, I shouldn't be bothered by the word. It's just one of those things that it has always bothered me. Like, oh, I love your, like, we need you to make a, when they call it a piece of content, it just drives me insane. And I know it's just like that's, that's just the term we use so everybody knows what we're talking about.

But like, is this like a, what is it when you hate when people chew? Is there like one of those, but for certain words? Yeah, I know it's a pet pee, but it's called miss, but it's called miss something when you chew. I think this is self-hatred, brother. Sorry. I don't know. I wouldn't even trying to hit really. But it's not just words that describe me.

like I also hate the word disconcerted. I think you hate the idea that all you do is create content. I've been bothering you for years then because that's a go-to for me. That's a not quite. You don't say disconcerting that much. I feel like I say it quite a bit. Not enough for me to notice. But I don't know.

You say in your little videos. Disconcerting. I feel like I say all the time. Honestly, Corey, I can't believe you've missed it. It's a little disconcerting that you haven't noticed it. I feel like the issue is that you don't want to be a shit. Like, it's not that you hate. content that you hate the eye like you don't want people to think that's all you make yeah it's not

but you feel like that's what people are saying to you and they're like make us a piece yeah i guess and like i don't know like you know you see a lot of people out there and it really does seem like some of the stuff they make is like insanely like almost no effort at all just because they're like i have to get something out today you know what i mean and i hate that something you did and something and Trey did and something I did that I know we worked on and really like, just gets put in the same box as that. Like, that sucks. Yeah.

That was already our fate, dude, as comedian. Yeah, I know. And I mean, look, I'm not losing sleep over it. You know, like, motherfuckers will hear a joke you wrote for years. Tell me after the show, it was great, and they're glad I told it. And then ask us all three if we've seen the guy on Kill Tony who speaks out of his arm because he has a voice box that they surgically implanted. Like, that's all right.

already been happening, brother. No, for sure. And I mean, I, again, I'm not, it's just one of, it's just a little tiny pet peeve. But like, one thing I've changed it, like you said, about how you flipped with the YouTube comedian thing right after, uh, Trey went viral or whatever. Back when I was like, like, for years, I've been like, God damn it, it's such bullshit that, like, you used to could just be a stand-up comedian, but now you have to do a podcast. You have to be your own marketing person. You have to do this.

You have to do that. and, you know, like, I don't know. Now, I love it so much that that's the case because I have independent success and I don't have to be beholden to the, like, I don't have to worry about if NBC buys a thing for me. I wish that they would, but like, I'm doing fine now and I'm like, oh, and it's all, like, I truly am my own boss and it's independent and, like, I think this is a fucking tremendous space for us to be in. I'm no longer up stat. And now that you made that point, and this wasn't aware.

I was going with this initially, but now that I've heard you laid it out like that. Yeah, honestly, fuck you, dude. I am who hates this because I have literally no talent for it. Like I have, I have deep, I genuinely do have deep talent. I have no breadth or width. Like I am just like a rocket in terms of what I do. So honestly, fuck you. The other thing I wanted to say on top of that, though, was shit I forgot.

I was on a roll there. It's so hot in this room. I want to know. I'm sorry about me. Was you just hitting earlier about that? the arm talker man. Yeah, I was just hitting. Okay.

I was describing a guy who speaks through his phone. I definitely thought that was true. No, I know. Well, everything's so just the way it is and that show is the way it is and everything that I was. And you said it so casually and quickly, which makes it impressive that you were just, just ripped. But I was like, I think that's hit. That a real thing. I just wanted to.

I definitely 100% believed it. Yeah. Well, yeah, I'm getting better at content, boys. You should go on that show, Drew. You ever go on that show? Yeah, you've thought about going on Kill Tony. I have, actually. I've thought about going in there and just pulling full ether,

but I think that you'd have to be a known entity to pull it off. You'd just come across as like a bitter, old failed comedian if you went in there and just was like, all right, you know, whatever. And then it's like, otherwise, okay, then I'll just do my best minute and then what? My understanding is when good comedians go on there and they just do a good minute, everything goes, wow, that was great. I bet you're a pro. See you never. Yeah. Right.

And it's almost like if you go on there and you, you're right. shit on them and shit on the whole idea of it, there's a possibility that they just won't air it. But then if you go on there and you hit, now you're just someone that did kill Tony and that sucks. Like there's no there's no W there. Well, like freaks, weirdos, really unique people like outside of their comedy or people who nail the interview are about the only people who've like launched from there. And some of them are very good. I'm not like, I don't think of away.

It's like a gong show in that way. Yeah, well, I'm not taking away anything. Some of those people are hilarious and deserve the place to, like, show that they're the funny person with the strange for, you know, disability or whatever. But they won't, you will not get a pop without one. Or like, like that guy, you see this dude who's just ripping off Andrew Dice Clay, but he's actually like good at it. And it's ironic. Tommy two timer or fucking. Timmy no break.

Timmy no time. Yeah. It's not a bad name for a guy like that. Oh, they could use that. Somebody else could use that. That's not a bad Tommy two-timer. But anyway, when I said I thought about it, I meant like I thought about it like four years ago.

They're like genuinely, I cannot imagine a scenario where I'd go on there. Yeah. But what about Timmy No Break? I saw a clip from him that I recently got algorithmed where he like dropped the character, dropped the act on stage and was like, I'm so tired of doing this God this sucks or something like that.

Well, it's Timmy No Break's working on a new character name. and then he said his real name. Right. I'm going to show it to you guys now. And then he was just like, people laughed a bit like this. Can I stop doing that fucking other shit now or whatever? Yeah, that was fine.

Dude, what about that one guy? So they've got a guy that's, you say, you didn't say ripping off dice clay, just doing a dice clay thing. They've got a motherfucker on there that is straight up. Now, don't get me wrong, he's writing new jokes,

but his whole thing is that he's Mitch Headbird. Yeah, to their credit, They nuked him, and I think they had him on twice, and then they were like, you know, if you're not going to stop doing this, we're not having you back. Okay. He eventually dropped K-Fabe on an interview and was like, I'm a great joke writer and this is getting me famous. Right. Yeah, but at what, it's getting you famous, but then what is the goal to like, I'll get famous and then I'll stop doing this and do what I really do? Or are you just now going to be Mitch Headberg for ever?

I don't know, man. I think that we are, honestly, and I mean this with both empathy and hatred, I think we're genuinely discussing someone with a deep, deep mental illness who just has the, like, moxie to own it. Yeah, right. Of all the people that we interact with who really want to be famous and they're narcissistic and all that, this is just a guy who's like, what, it's working. Like, this is the game, right, guys?

You know, like, you can get so famous that you're allowed to commit sexual assault. like the name of the game's getting famous it's just like it's almost like weirdly not refreshing but like yeah this is the fall of that type of comedy thank God someone's just pushing it to that extreme speaking of famous sexual assault and all that Corey what is it that Kevin Spicey's hawking right now Oh it's a ring yeah I you know I didn't die

Who is that for? Yeah it says F you on it it's like Frank Well, now I can think of it's underwood, you know, you're right. But like, yeah, that's, I didn't dig too deep into it. I had, the only digging I did was like to make sure that it wasn't AI because I just assumed everything. But yeah, he's selling a rent. That seems to be the thing when you are a pedophile politician or a disgraced somebody is to sell QVC style products to pedophile lovers. As a victim.

as a as a beleaguered underdog yes right yeah he was on bill bar he's moving units of those no right well no like no no i don't because like number one man when you think about like it i don't i don't know if you all look at like uh when a politician puts a book out or something like looking at the actual numbers like mike pince for instance uh his biography sold like 300 copies over three weeks or something like that. And he was a sitting vice president. You know what I mean? He's also like a fucking, you know, he's got like a,

he's like a fucking modern day pilgrim. No, I agree. I agree. And also it's like when Aziz got canceled, it was bullshit, but part of the issue was Aziz had cultivated an audience that wanted a specific thing that he was now proven not to be. My point being, Mike Pence's fans hate gay dudes. Yeah, okay, that's true.

But I guess what I'm saying is like, Kevin Spacey, sure, they want him back because of cancel culture and all that stuff. But like, he's not revered like Trump to those people. So I don't really see. And he's also still a Hollywood guy. He's also gay, you know, so like I don't see the audience of people who would buy a gaudy gold ring. But for from a gay guy, yeah, I don't think he's moving a lot of it. Yeah, let me back you up a little bit. Support what you're saying and give a shout out to someone I'm a huge fan of.

Prof is a rapper out of Minneapolis who's completely independent and I love him to death. He just had some bullshit where they kicked him off the billboard charts, basically because he was going to be the only independent person who was in the top 10 in like many decades or whatever. Right. So that's bullshit. But to your point, he sold something like 25 or 30,000 physical copies. Love that. And if they hadn't kicked him off, that was enough to make him number one or two up against TI on the rap charts where physical copies count a certain amount as streams.

I don't remember how the equation works, but it's like that was the equivalent of him getting like 2 million streams, which was almost as much as TI. To your point, this is the most popular rap album in terms of physical copy sales in the country right now. and a dude to like 30 grand. Our boy Sturgle, I think he sold like 60,000 copies of his album that he didn't put on streamers for like five months. And that put him at number one. Right. Right.

Yeah. But that's all. I mean, isn't that just the way that music has changed so much, you know? For sure. You can't download a ring. Yeah, I'm saying how does that compare to Kevin Spacey's ring? Yeah, I think if it was a watch, he would sell a lot more. Because, like, rings are just not a thing that a lot of men wear.

Right, but he's on wearing. But he's on the show, right? Because his character in the show had that ring. Which I'm surprised there wasn't like a, there isn't like a law. Yeah, because, like, he's clearly using the likeness of Frank Underwood. Yeah, but then you sue, who is it, HBO? No. Netflix.

Netflix. So Netflix sues Kevin Spacey, and now they're in our rhythm with Kevin Spacey again. They'd probably just like, look. Let him do it. Let him do it. Probably. Because it's not going to mount to nothing. Presumably.

It's weird, man. Did you also find a movie he's in recently that's another one of those wild right wing baiting? Because Jonathan Majors has one and Army Hammer has one. Yeah, it's Spacey. He's doing, I can't remember what it is, but I feel like it's a noir thing. He saves a college campus. It's been overrun by ISIS, free Palestine, protests. who are actually ISIS.

They take over a college campus and Jonathan Major saves the day, I think. And then Army Hammers is he's like a vigilante who starts murdering immigrants because and fucking their legs because they're violent and stuff. And people are, I think people are eating that one up, maybe. That was directed by famed R word piece of shit, UA bowl, however you say. Yeah. Most notably known for his tax scams, posing. his films before this one,

but this one's taken off amongst papals and dipshits, I think. But that might be so much of a... I could also be... I had to come out with like a... I feel guilty statement. Like, I didn't realize how Hable the movie was until I saw it. Army? Well, he did?

Okay. Well, all right. I saw that today. With the Spacey one, the only thing I might be remembering it wrong, the only thing I remember is that it was like a noir, and I remember when I first read about it, just being so upset that Spacey did all that shit because the thought of him and another noir is something I really want, really desperately want. But even if I could get past the spaciness of all

of it, you know the movie's going to, the script ain't going to be good because scripts that are good, they're not asking Spacey to do it right now. I don't think. I mean, I say all this shit, and Roman Polanski's still putting shit out. So fuck, I don't know. It's like you can do it if you're the director. They'll let you direct, but they won't let you star. And I mean, I get it because It's like one's faces in it and the other one's like who even who thinks about who the director is besides people like us. Are Roman Plansky and Woody Allen? Are they both still making movies though? Yeah, for sure, dude.

They still are. I thought that they. Yeah. I mean, I know Woody Allen is and I'm pretty sure that like Polanski's, a matter of fact, I know Polanski has done one recently because I sent y'all a message about it. And it was called the Ghost Rider and it was Pierce Brosnan and you and. Greg. That movie's from like 14 years ago. Is it?

Yeah, I watched that. I watched that without knowing it was a Roman Polansky movie. Me too much for either of them to fuck it. Yeah. Well, my point is, like, I got to the end and I was like, damn, I really enjoyed this movie. And I looked it up and I was like, phew, glad I didn't know that going in. But no, they are making movies. They both make movies with the subsidiary of A24 called A 13 year old.

Folks, I'll do it all day. I'll do it all this. He did make a movie in 2020, though, called The Palace, apparently. But before that, he's made two movies in the past 10 years, Rowan Plano. Yeah, but look at, look at Woody's. I mean, I know he's still, I know he's still doing it. I mean, his last one was probably 2024, maybe, a rainy day in New York. No, that was before.

You're still checking those outro? I'm still. I just see the thumbnails. You're still lining up. Just, yeah, I see the thumbnails. What are you going to do? Not keep it going. I mean, yeah.

He made Coot de Chance or, you know, Coop de Chance in 2023, Rifkin's Festival in 2020 and a rainy day in New York in 2019. Okay. Wonderwill in 2017. So four movies in the past decade from Woody out. I mean, I'd still say that's actively working for someone that old, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, but then you look before that, and it was, of course, one or more than one movie a year every year. Yeah, he was the Louis of that. Yeah, it was bizarre. The Louis of a lot of things. Yeah, well, again, it's funny because before, before, uh, the, the Louis C.K. allegations and stuff happened, like, people were, they were like, he's going to be

the next Woody Allen in terms of he's going to be a great director as well and very prolific, uh, which I believe would have definitely happened had not all that happened. But he finished that. film before it got out and everyone, of course, maybe it's because of what they found out, but everyone's like, no, it's genuinely unwatchable. It also, that movie was called, I Love You Daddy, right? Yeah. And it came out right when all the shit, like, the allegations and stuff came out to and it was just.

Yeah, it was a bad look. Just a real bad look. But he since made at least one more movie starring, he made a Joe List vehicle. Right. Okay. Right. Good for Joe. You all know what I'm talking about?

Louis made a real. Louis made a movie that Joe List was the star of it came out like last year or the year before. Pretty sure. I'll be down. I don't think it. I also don't think it amounted too much. But in like in terms of stand-up and shit, he's still selling out. He sold out the garden multiple times and one game is and shit.

He just had a new Netflix special. Yeah, he's got a new Netflix special right now. So he's doing fine on that. I'm sure it's hilarious as fuck. Weirdly enough, that movie was called Fourth of July, fourth from 2022, starring Joe List written in Derek to the last. That's the Joe List. That's not the one we're talking about.

I know. I said I love you daddy. Oh, my bad. Yeah. Sorry, I blacked out. I'd be 90 degrees in this room, man. I guess you. 8% on rotten tomatoes, but yeah, we can wrap it up if you don't to, Drew.

Speaking of loving our daddies, Trey, where are you going to be this week? Speaking of loving our daddies, yeah. The guy who doesn't have one, you can go first. I just minniques your mind. Dead and in the grave. Oh, okay. Thanks, yeah. Yeah, sorry.

You're welcome. Yeah, my dad's dead. Come see me on the road. Jesus. I'm bad that that was, I'm so sorry that was interpreted that way. No, I mean, I mean, I, I, I, It's just, it's fine. It really totally is fine. Everything's fine.

We can, it just, this will be a good way to end this episode because everything's fine. Come up on the road at Trey Crowder.com, I'll be in northwest Arkansas at the Grove, Lowell, specifically, Arkansas, and the middle of this month. And then in August and beyond, I'm going to be all over the Midwest and a bunch of other places all at Treycrowder.com. I am going to be in Birmingham, Alabama, August 7th, and New Orleans, Louisiana, August 8, because I do so well in those states in August. Cannot wait to die of a heat stroke. I ain't doing shit except writing for you over at CoreyWritesforyou.com.

My substack, thanks to everybody who made me number two on the substack comedy charts this past week. And I put it out there that if I doubled my paid subscribers, by this time next year that basically I could justify almost doing substack like a goddamn full-time job and people were like

we like the idea of that so they did and as you're listening to this tomorrow Thursday the much anticipated a third part of here we rest my southern crime

novella-ish thing will be out and you can get on my blogs and my audio and stuff Corey writes for you.com oh and Listen to Little House of the Dragon. If you're watching House of the Dragon and you're loving it,

me and my sister, Lady Kirby, do a rewatch called Little House of the Dragon. That is on the putting on airs feed wherever you get your podcast and on YouTube at watchPOA.com. Thank you all for listening to The Well Red Show. Oh, and by the way, if you're in the Walker County area on July 28th, I will be at songs and sounds in Chickamauga, Georgia, doing a book reading and signing. I'm their book of the,

me and Trey's book, uh, round here and over yonder is their book of the month. Uh, so we, uh, can I, can I play one more thing?

Can I play one more thing? If Trey would stop fucking Tiber of the goddamn, sorry. Boil the room of the goddamn Tazanic. I thought this was some kind of like clapping button you would hit. Uh, no. Andy is putting on a production,

directing a production of Dill Shores play. that broke Leslie Jordan's career called Sorted Lives and I play a racist in it who's very funny and we're doing that in Rugby, Tennessee. If anyone's going to be near Rugby, Tennessee, July 24th, 5th, and 6th, come out and do that. That's awesome. We love to stick around longer, but we got to go.

Tune in next week if you got nothing to do. Thank you, God bless you. Good night and skew. Hey, everybody, over on my substack at CoreyWritesforyou.com you hear me blab on and on and on about. The third part of my series, Here We Rest, is coming out Thursday morning. And some of you have already listened to parts one and two, but some of you haven't. So for those of you that haven't, I'm inserting it right here for you to enjoy and to get ready for Thursday when part three comes out.

And if I do say so myself, part three is the best one so far. I had a lot of fun writing it. And by the way, I appreciate everyone who has already subscribed. to Corey writes for you.com. Sorry, how freaking allergies are killing me. I just got out of the shower, and it's clearly doesn't matter because I'm already sweating. I did the math the other day, and if I could double my subscribers within a calendar year, I could basically just be podcasting and writing full time, which has been my dream since I had a child. But for the record, for those of you that don't remember, my substack will always be free, available to you for free.

You only have to pay if you want to, but if you want to, I would really love it, and that would help me to help you read more stuff from me because I'd have more time to do it. Corey writes for you.com. Here is Here We Rest, Parts 1 and 2, get ready for Part 3 on Thursday. Fishing downstream from a nuclear power plan ain't the smartest thing a man could do, but there's set Randall doing it no-how. Says he reckons he won't eat them, but it sure is fun trying to catch them three-headed some bitches.

I suppose it was. Randall Daltry was many things, but a liar he weren't. Up at the fire, his wife Martha was explaining to some distant cousin about how you can't do double coupons at every grocery store, but she had a list of the ones where you could. She had a permanent band-aid on her big toe because she couldn't stop knocking it on the metal rod, sticking out of her recliner. She wouldn't fix it because the Braves hadn't lost a pennant since it broke, and Jesus wasn't her only superstition. The kids ran around, in the parlance of the time, like little wild Indians, not concerning themselves with the value of that which they broke.

One was trying to fix a bicycle chain and only making it worse, while Aunt Ida's twin girls bogarded the jump rope so they could double dutch until the sun went down, and it was time to swat at lightning bugs with a wiffle ball bat. I was behind the screen door in the camper. The camper did not come with the screen door, so Randall took the one off his dead mama's porch and sanded it down to fit. It was not practical, but it was nice, and everyone got a kick out of it. That was Randall's way. It didn't matter if something is supposed to be, only that it could be. He didn't stop to consider the fullest notion of pragmatism when he got an idea on how to make something. fun. He once traced his son Levi on a door with a carpenter's pencil and used a tractsaw to cut out an

opening that only Levi could fit through. It made no sense and took all purpose away from the door, but Levi thought it was the neatest thing in the world, and that's all that mattered to Randall. I sat there drinking some home brew made by who else but Randall Daltry. I'd pretty much given up on strong drink when Sheila left me, but I couldn't turn down Randall's apple pie. It burned in that real good way that lets you know it's going to work, but don't sour your face too much. It was that good. I had been inside for a few hours, just watching the little dramas of the family unfold in front of me while praying no one needed me for anything. I like these gatherings, in theory, but I prefer to keep to myself, especially back then.

Seems like every time I participated in something, I'd mess it up. That's probably why she left. Didn't have shit all to do with the drinking. I could ruin just about anything while sober as a judge. Or at least I'd tell myself that to justify another swig. Then another. And then it was on to the next mason jar. Randall didn't care. He made enough back in the day to get us through the Cold War if it ever came to that,

and as we all know, it didn't. I laid back on the itchy old camper couch and started to nod off when I heard a commotion down on the bank. "'Holy shit!' Randall screamed, forcing Sheila out of my mind for the first time all day. "'Sunny Boy! Get down here!' He called me Sunny Boy, despite my name being Steve. Sunny Boy was his tailgunner back in the Pacific Theater, and I assumed it was a term of endearment until I found out he called me that,

because after the war, Sunny Boy moped around aimlessly until Shellshot got the better of him, and he shot a double dose of black tar in his neck. This was apparently Randall's fun way of calling me a sad sack. I know he loved me. It's just that generation had a hard time showing it. I ran down to meet him, forgetting I'd just foundered myself on corn liquor, and took out several lawn chairs on my way. I managed to stay on my feet by some miracle,

but the sloshing in my stomach was about to send a bill of sale to my mouth. What's going on, Randall, I said, between gasps of breath while resting my elbows on my knees and my chin on my chest. Then I smelled it. I vomited so hard there was a wonder a lung didn't come up with it. There was a body floating in the water and from what we knew from old detective shows, it had been there a while. Hot damn, damn, damn, birthday balloon, Randall said, nasally while pinching his nose. We better call the law. I got Sheriff Stevens number somewhere in my truck. I took a boat or and slowly but surely got the body flipped over on its back.

I gasped. What is it, Sonny Boy? I wiped the puke off my mouth and prepared for another round of it. I was in shock. The words were right there, but it took them a minute to reach my lips. It's Sheriff Stevens, I said. Randall looked at me and his face turned white. Well, he said, I reckon he's not going to answer the phone then.

Part 2 Growing up in the rural south, a floating carcass was perhaps not the most unsettling thing I've ever seen, but it certainly would be for the children. Randall had a stillness about him that I'd never seen him wear. We were not blood, but that changes nothing. Randall is as much family to me as anyone with the last name Croslin ever was. When I was a teenager and needed to get away from everything going on at home, Randall and Martha's door was always open to me.

Randall was a tough man, but a fair man. He also had a great sense of humor, which juxtaposed comically with his tough military exterior. When you've watched your best friends die face down in the mud amidst the roar of enemy artillery, I reckon it makes life's normal woes seems like child's play in comparison. I never saw a situation get the better of him in the 30-some-odd years I've known him,

but today was different. Seeing Sheriff Stephen's body sway back and forth in the wake, bloated and stinking of death, calls Randall to take a rare, long beat before speaking, and when he finally did, I wish he hadn't. You need to make the call, Sonny Boy. I knew he was right, but that changed nothing as far as my feelings were concerned. I had spent the better part of the week trying to see how much liquor could kill a man, so I could just hover below that threshold. I'm an emotional wreck even without punishing my body, so standing there, having not had a sip of water in as long as I could remember, I was numb. Well, no, that's not true. I was very much in pain. I would

have killed for numb, actually. But I certainly couldn't think clear enough to make a weighted decision. In that moment, the only things I knew was that I still loved Sheila and that the distance between us was my fault. I had been wanting to reach out to her for so long, to lie to her and tell her I'd changed, to tell her that things would be different, to ask if she'd come back in my life and make me whole once more. But now, instead, I'd have to call and tell her that her daddy was dead. I knew what I was supposed to do, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Randall, we better call the police first. I'll holler at her afterwards, but I don't want to be accused of failing to report this shit in time. Randall looked at me funny. Well, he'll be just as dead when you get off the phone

with her, but knock yourself out, Sonny Boy. As I went to walk up to the bank to get a telephone, I heard a loud boat chopping through the water. As I turned and looked, I noticed a Coast Guard flag. I reckoned that meant I could stay put. Perhaps someone else had called it in before he washed up towards us. The uniform fella in the passenger seat hollered at us over a bullhorn. Step away from the body this instant. I thought to myself, what the hell did they think we were about to do, field dress the dead some bitch and cooking for dinner? I mean, I know you ain't supposed to contaminate a crime scene, but it doesn't take a detective to figure out that this isn't where the murder happened. Damn, is that what I think happened? A murder? Of course that's what happened.

Sheriff Steve was a lifelong fisherman, a star athlete, and a very cautious and safety-prone man. There is no way you could convince me he just fell in the water and died. It may not have been murder one, hell, it may have even been an accident, but one thing is for sure, this was someone other than Sheriff Stevens doing. The Coast Guard feller spoke once again, "'Terribly sorry to alarm you, folks, just didn't want you too close to the body in case it explodes. They do that sometimes, you know. Gases in your body break down after death, and, well, you can go up like a hot fart out of nowhere.'" I suppose that is true. I certainly didn't major in anything that gave me an argument against it,

but it was a rather odd thing to say over the body of a dead man. Okay, I said, but I don't think he's been dead that long. Medical examiner, are we? He said. Nope, just watch a lot of procedurals. Without saying another word, the Coast Guard boat inched as close as it could without grounding itself and then used what looked like a pool cleaner to drag the body closer and then eventually on deck. All right, guys, be safe.

Are y'all going to send someone to get our statement? Randall screamed, but they just kept on driving. I was stunned. Almost no sooner than we had discovered the dead body, it was scooped up and heading the other way. No interview, no police tape, no sirens. To say I was in shock would be an understatement. While I was in this disillusioned state, however, I somehow mustered the courage to pick up the phone. She may not love me anymore, but the news should have been.

at least come from someone she knows. As the phone rang, I thought about what I might say. I thought about our wedding. I thought about the years I'd thrown away. But mostly, I thought about how horrible it was that I was about to hurt her worse than I ever have. When she answered the phone, I went numb. You don't ever consider that you'll miss someone's voice, but God damn it, I did. Her innocent alto almost whispering,

Hello, sent chills down my spine. How could I have fucked this up? Why can't I just be normal? Hello, she said again. Steve, are you there? I'm here. Hey, Sheila. Steve, what do you want?

I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down? I am actually. I'm sitting down to lunch. Okay, well, if you're with someone, you might want to excuse yourself because this is going to come as a shock. Steve, you're scaring me. I was scaring myself, too. The butterflies in my stomach were laying eggs.

Sheila, your dad is dead. There was a long pause. I didn't think I could handle hearing her cry. Looking back, I wished to God she had of, because what happened instead is something that I'll never get over. Steve, I don't know whether to laugh or throw my phone. Are you drinking again? What the fuck is your problem?

Is this your idea of a joke? I knew it would be difficult, but I didn't think I'd be called a liar. Sheila, I don't want to be doing this, but I thought you'd want to hear it from someone you knew. Your daddy is dead. Steve, Sheila said in a stern tone, that is impossible. I assure you it's not. I just saw him. They took him on down the lake in a Coast Guard boat. I'm sure they'll call you soon. I just, Steve, I'm sitting here with my father right now. I went numb once more. To be continued.