wellRED podcast - Puttin' On Airs: Coronation Talk & Lord Minimus!

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

*The WellRED podcast file was corrupted this week. In its place, we have added an episode of Puttin On Airs for those of you who haven't started listening yet!! (also... WHY haven't you?)   We are so sorry and will be back to regular next week!   This week Corey provides some in-depth, scholarly analysis of King Charles’s coronation (spoiler: it involves a whooooole lotta pomp [and also some circumstance]), and then Trae shares the story of a 17th century OG who went by the name of Lord Minimus. Tis a doozy! This one hits, y'all. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Enjoy and be sure to tune in weekly for the latest issue of Puttin' on Airs! Thanks for listening and remember, you can watch the show over at https://WatchPOA.com Thanks for listening, and remember, you can watch the show over at https://WatchPOA.com Be sure to check out https://Patreon.com/TraeCrowder for bonus stuff from Trae! And go to https://PartTimeFunnyMan.com for Corey’s bonus essays, podcasts, videos, and more!

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They're the. Hey everybody. It's your boy Corey Ryan Forster, aka the show, some mildly irritating news up top here. We recorded yesterday and it was a fantastic episode and that file is corrupted. Drew was doing everything he could to make it work. He was in Tennessee on his cell phone and his cell phone died. And I don't know how that affected the rest of the files, but it did. And it's a bummer because yesterday was a really good episode. But it's just out of sync, man.

And I can't do it. I can't do it. It's not to be fixed. So I apologize. There will be no new well-read this one. week in its place though just because i'm always promoting baby and you know we got to put something in the slide and i want to entertain y'all here is an episode of putting on airs where we talk about the coronation and this feller named lord minimus if you haven't listened to me and trey's new podcast

putting on airs or you haven't even heard of it i don't know how that's possible because we talk about it all the time but if you haven't been wanting to give it a shot you hadn't downloaded over there it's in your feed right here on the well-read feed so just give it a shot if you were going to listen to well read today. I think it is just, it's the best time I have all week, man. It's a great, great fun, fun show. It's silly. And we're growing freaking 10, 20 percent every week. It's great. I really think that this is going to be a huge podcast. And you can listen to it now and be like, yo, I was there before this hit way too hard. So we apologize, like I said, for the podcast not coming out this week. It wasn't due to lack of effort. It was just due to, you know,

technical difficulties. So there you go. I apologize. I love y'all. And remember also, go to traycrouter.com to see Trey on tour. We'll be back together in December, in Nashville, of course. I want to thank everybody who came out to the shows with me and Leslie Jones this weekend in Durham and Charleston, South Carolina.

It was so fun getting skewed on stage by all the well-readers who attended the show. That made me feel really good and important and like I deserve to be there. um, Drew has a new podcast called Gravy Baby. Fantastic stuff. Of course, Trey has the weekly skews. There's all the stuff in the extended,

extended skeuniverse, including, uh, my bonus stuff, which you can find over at part time funnyman. dot com. That's part time funnyman. dot com.

I do bonus podcasts. I write essays. There's, uh, history stuff. There's civil war stuff. It's a lot of fun. It is $5 a month.

Um, but if you don't like, if you can't afford that, then you can just subscribe for free and you'll still get all the stuff. That's the business model. That's how it works. And if you don't like a, if you don't like recurring monthly payments or yearly payments, you can just make a one-time donation PBS style to the show on PayPal using buttercream Corey at gmail.com. But again, if you don't want to do any all that, you can still just get it for

free. Love y'all. And this is putting on airs talking about the coronation and Lord Minimus. I really hope that y'all enjoy and consider downloading and subscribing to that show and leaving us a review. See ya. Love you. Bye-bye. All right, Airheads, let's do it. We're back into Virtual Airstream Studios. It's time once again for putting on ears. Putting on ears. Putting on ears.

What is that voice? That's a little, uh, they're taking my job at South Park. That took our job. We're putting on ears. We're putting on air down there. Yeah, boy, putting on air. I have no idea why I spoke that way. I don't know why I speak most ways, most times.

But anyway, here we are. I'm Trey. That's Corey. How's it going over there, Cho? It's going good, and I would like to point out, because you know normally, and you obviously are keeping with the fashion, you're dressed all fancy. I normally dress kind of fancy, but I don't want everybody to think that this isn't on purpose. This is a Kentucky Derby hat, and to match it symbolically, a Pillsbury Throwboy T-shirt.

the late great Jared Lorenzen, so I'm all things Kentucky in honor of the derby this weekend. I'm great. I hope people remember Jared Lorenzen. Me too. I'm making sure that they do. Yeah, the Pillsbury throw boy, the hefty, the round mound of touchdown. Just for my money when I was, that was like my, I was, it might have been like my peak college football loving. I was like in high school.

I was playing football. And like that fucking got like seeing a fat redneck play quarterback. meant so much to me. Tell me about it. I always, he's like, I'm also a big, a pretty big fan of the Joker, Nicola Yokic in the NBA because he were a fat kid. Now, you know, then he grew up to be seven foot 100 and, you know, massive and tough his nails and all that shit.

But he's still like a bit doughy. He's not shredded or whatever. And if you see pictures of him, I said there's an infamous picture of him when he was like middle school age. And I swear the resemblance to me in middle school age is striking. It turned out pretty different for me. I didn't have quite the athletic glow up that he did, but I'm always. Both jokers.

Always, yeah, we are both jokers. That's true. I've always had a fondness for any of the fats who make it in the sporting game. And let's face it, the whites, you know. Sure. Yeah. Love the whites. Love the whites.

Everybody knows I'm kidding. A white, well, sort of. In sports, it is different. We're not as represented because we don't hit as much. It's a novelty. Now, I'm talking about quarterbacks, especially 20 years ago, not really, but the fatness is what did it. But, yeah, I mean, a white cornerback was just drafted in the third round, I think, in this draft. And he's the first one since Jason Seahorn, who retired in 2001, I believe it was.

That's what it is. It's certain positions. And really, I was just going on the basketball thing. I forgot that we brought up Jared Lorenzen. But yeah, man, whenever there's like a fucking like, I mean, you know, Christian McCaffrey, he means a lot to a lot of people. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Yeah. So the Kentucky Derby, I kind of, I sort of missed it. Did you, did you mention what happened? Well. Some horse took it home. I believe some horse took it home. I stayed at home. They had a Kentucky Derby party that my wife went to, but I opted to stay home with the baby.

and I instead watched the third round of the Wells Fargo Championship. I don't know who won. I assume that there was no, because this is when they find out if, like, is this the last race of the Triple Crown? No, it's the first one. Is the first one? Okay.

Yeah. Well, I didn't hear any news about it. The news I heard and, you know, content warning. Mage. That's a little boring. It's just, the horse's name is just mage. That don't hit. Yeah.

I like it when it's like, kick by box rocks. plantation mage, you know, something like that. Like just regular old mage, ain't really doing it for me, but I guess I've brought it home. I have, I've always wanted to go to the Kentucky Derby.

Just, just go and just be as white as possible. You know what I mean? Drink some mint juleps. I don't even like mint, but wear a silly hat and, you know, talk like a plantation owner or whatever for a while.

Mint julips are gross. Seems fun. I've never had one and I don't like mint, so I can't imagine I would like them. I was about to say, like, when I'm wrong. Yeah, I'm a fan of mint.

And to me, like, it's just, it's one of them drinks where I'm like, guys, I think all of us agree that just straight whiskey would be better. You know what I mean? Like, let's just do that. Yeah, I would, it would be a fun experience for me and you to go to. I mean, one of the most fun gambling experiences me and you ever had was betting on a horse. But that was just, were we in a casino? No, I was about to say, what makes that?

You're right. That was a tremendous gambling experience, which it's only made more impressive. by the fact that we were in an unused hotel room serving as the green room in a Jacksonville, Florida comedy club. So it was like a repurposed like a days in, repurposed days in sort of. And it was a room that we were in and we watched on like, I feel like it wasn't even a flat screen. I feel like it was like an old CRT TV or whatever.

That you roll in. That you roll in. Yeah, one of those deals. We're watching. It was either of the dirty. It might have been the Belmont Stakes. I can't remember which one it was, but we were watching it. We had just randomly bet on the same horse beforehand,

and then that horse ended up winning. I mean, you'll get fired up. Dude, I mean, we were slapping our leg, dude. It was fucking crazy. But, no, I would like, I think that'd be a fun experience for me and you to go to. Like you said, I mean, you know, the Kentucky Derby on the offset seems like the perfect Venn diagram. It's fancy people.

It's horses. It's in Kentucky. But you mainly only see the fancy parts. of it. I think me and you would have to go like the the West Welker route if we were to go there. Do you remember Wes Welker a couple years ago at the Kentucky Derby? Yeah, he did a whole bunch of Molly and was giving people

stacks of cash and shit while twacked out of his mind at the Kentucky Derby. Yeah, of course I remember that. So how I remember it being told was that, yeah, West Welker went, he won a lot of money, but he was on Molly or Ecstasy. And as he's leaving, people were like, holy shit, West Welker, and he didn't want to talk to nobody.

So he was just handing stacks of $100 bills like, here, take this. get the fuck out of my face. I mean, obviously I've never been, and I do feel like the outward presentation of the derby is, is one of fanciness. But I know that one of the other three races in the Triple Crown, the Preakness, right?

The Preakness takes place in Baltimore, Maryland. I've never been to that either. But this comedian named Ryan Sickler, who's from Baltimore, I love Ryan. Yeah, he's awesome. I've heard him talk about the preakness. He used to go when he was younger. And like, dude, to hear him tell him.

it, it's fucking trash all the way. Caledega. Like that, yeah, like, it's just wild as fuck in the, in the, uh, the yard or whatever in front of that place. They, they do this thing called the, the running of the Johns or the running of the something, some turlet word where they like, they get drunk and run across the, the line of porta potties, like while people are in the port of potty. And people down below try to hit the runner with cans of beer or something like that.

that to knock them off the portify or something. And that's like, of course, yeah. Maybe half drunk, you know, I don't know. But, uh, and that's like a yearly tradition at the preakness. So like, you know, there's got to be some trashness going down at the derby. There's got to be. Oh, yeah, for sure. In those bottom seats or no, actually, I guess the top seat.

I don't know. Like, it's weird whenever I see like pictures of the derby, like they'll show like the nosebleeds. And it's a bunch of people in Searsucker as well. Like I don't know where the trash. Maybe the trash is like they don't even get seats. Like they're just like standing room only in like a pit. Well, I'm just basing this on what I would do, but I bet a lot of the trash gets gussied up. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's true. So they're just like jumped up trash, you know, pigs with lipstick on. Lipstick on. Yeah. Yeah. The only thing I heard about the derby and this is derby related, but it was actually before the derby was that, and again, content warning, if you're squeamish around animal death, that apparently four of the horse. DHS died the day before the derby.

Is that a lot? I mean, it sounds like a lot to me. The thing is, it sounds like a lot to me, too. And like, I really wish I had this pulled up, but I was like, holy shit, how is this not bigger news? And it seemed like everybody in the comments were just like, yeah, you'll have that. They get them all juiced up on fucking horse HGH. And then their hearts explode. But, like, yeah, everybody was like, there were some people acting like that might have been a low number.

But like, that's fucking crazy. crazy that the odds of your horse dying are like pretty great and these people still spend millions and millions of dollars only to have them, you know, stroke out right before the race. Yeah, it's kind of wild it hasn't attracted more adverse attention from the, uh, PETA tree huggers of the world. Yeah, because the, because I remember there was an HBO show all about horse racing with Dustin Hoffman and it called luck. And it was, I think it might have been a David Simon or David, one of the, it was either, It was some prestige show.

It was either like the wire guy or the Sopranos guy or somebody like that made the show. It was going to be their next big thing, right? And all-star cast and all this stuff, but it only lasted one season because ultimately they had to shut it down because they just could not stop killing horses on that show. Like production shut down like four or five different times because they killed another horse. And they're like, all right, everybody meeting. We have got to stop killing these horses. horses, okay? Everybody's like, you got it.

Right. No problem. Then three weeks later, in, you know, deadline Hollywood, third horse dies as luck production runs a foul of, you know, whatever. And it's like, I don't know. Maybe they're just more fragile than they look or something. I don't know what it is.

Maybe you're not meant to beat and drive an animal that hard. Maybe that's it. But, you know, the arrogance of man, I don't see us slowing that down any. So do you remember? how they, because like the racing I get why a horse would, like, at least logically, I go, well, you know, they are training really, really hard. But a horse on a show, like, yeah, but they were not getting picked, the horse killed itself. It was a show about horse racing. I guess, you know, practical effects were, like they were like, they were running them.

Actually, yeah, you're right. My bad. And they just, and they kept dying. Yeah. Don't, don't hit. No, again, though, like, it really is crazy that like, because I mean, say what you will about PETA, but one thing they are not is quiet.

And I have it and like, you know, Twitter is like assessable for a lot of that shit. I ain't seen, you know, word one about it. I guess that like, I don't know,

the people on Twitter that I follow that would be mad about that. Just don't even follow the Kentucky Derby even a little bit. So fuck, I don't know. But rest in peace to all them horses. Yeah.

Rest of peace of my horse, homies. It's been a big week for fancy people shit. Was it literally the same day? I'm talking of course about the, that's what I thought. Yes. The coronation of King Charles the,

what is he? King Charles II, I believe. And yeah, I said that the coronation and the The thing I'm going to be talking about later, an ancillary person to the reading of it, is a king named Charles the second, I thought. No, then I'm wrong. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't think you are, though. You know they'd just be making that shit up. I know, but the numbers, they should at least get the numbers right. Yeah, you would think. Well, maybe, hold on, the guy you're talking about was from a different family of Charles's. Like, he might be the second Charles Windsor or like Govinschachen or whatever it was called before. Right. You know what I mean?

Maybe. I mean, I'm just trying to, I don't think that we're, there's no way we're both wrong or we're, yeah, there is. There's a huge chance that we're both wrong. There was a Charles II in the 16th. hundreds, who was the king of Scotland, England, and Ireland. Okay. So that was the Tudor dynasty maybe. But you got me on that part, but.

But either way, this one's the second too, right? I don't know. That's what I'm saying. Dude, I could have been completely wrong. Hold on just a second. This is a very, what king, Charles. Now he's the third. Okay.

Okay. All right. I'm sorry. I just pulled that out of my fucking ass. well it's funny i was also thinking second but i might have been thinking second because i was just reading about a charles the second that was the d i just said a thing you know what it is i just remembered seeing it in print and there was at least two dashes by his name and i omitted the third and i'm a fucking so yeah he's the third that makes way more sense did you see the mental gymnastics

that i went through in order for me not to be wrong yeah i was like well clearly it just means that it's a different dynastic family not that i misread two two and three. Right. Look at all those soldiers fucking stepping out of line except my boy. That's me and my brain about this. We got there at the end of the day, though, and it was, you know, 400 years, 400 plus years between Charles is pretty good. Pretty long time.

You know, Charles. I don't, you know, because Charles is like a William or a John or anything, you know, think there would have been another Charles somewhere in there, but I guess not. No, Charles is. Of course, they switched over to Wemmernes for a while, and so that'll do it. Yeah, that's actually for the, I think, 156 out of the last 300 years, they've been reigned by a woman. Right. So.

And I mean, Queen Elizabeth's doing most of the heavy lifting there. Victoria, too, was there for a long time, right? So, I mean, that right there will cut back on the number of Charles as you have. Yeah, I'm surprised that, like, I mean, now, granted, I'm not, like, as tuned in to, like, British news as I am American news. using all this shit. And like obviously she was like, she was coronated fucking, you know,

70 years ago or whatever. But like, do you think that was a big, like having a queen, like you'd think that would just be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

we can't. The king can have a wife that's the queen. But there's no fucking way we're going to have a queen rule. Like, I mean, I'm crazy. I mean, they,

I don't know when the first one, what there was Mary, queen of Scots, for sure. And like, and she's pretty old-timey, I reckon. Yeah.

Like, I think, I don't know when they broke the seal on, okay, I guess we'll let a woman do it. Right. But I assume it had to be like, this family must continue to rule for whatever reason. And they don't have a boy. And they ain't no dudes left. So I guess it's going to have to be her or something. Because, yeah, it's, I've definitely had the thought before that it's wild that they even had queens. Yeah. Before Elizabeth just because women didn't used to be allowed to do nothing. Right. Like now, but you know, fuck, dude, Cleopatra.

You know, whole different society and everything. But, like, that's wild too. It is wild. That, like, that one little tiny part, like, if you can be progressive in a monarchical system, but, like, that one tiny part of the past was actually not completely sexist. It's kind of wild. I think they still hated all the other women. Well, yeah.

You know what I mean? It was really just the one. And I guess they were like, well, God says we got to be all right with her. So what are you going to do? Yeah. But, but, but fucking Meredith could shut her mouth. I want no backtop from her, you know, Vicki. That's not a name from back then.

Anyway, so the coronation of King Charles III, did it hit? I mean, look, here's the thing. Did you watch the whole thing? Okay. I watched up until they were going to go outside, like he'd been crowned, then they were going outside for his like victory. lap in a fucking Cinderella carriage type thing. And this is three and a half to four hours later.

And I was, and like, I'd been up since four o'clock. I was going to say, when did it start? I got up at four so I could be over at my mama's house for tea and scuns. It started at five hour time. And I was told because I did, I was going to do the coronation last week. So I'd already done my research. And in my research, I was told, nay, promised that Charles himself was trimming the time of the coronation because it used to be a three, four hour affair, and he wanted it to be a, quote, tidy 90 minutes.

And it was fucking three and a half hours long before he even leaves the place. And at that point, the sun was coming up. And it was a pretty day outside. And I was like, I'm not wasting anymore my goddamn time. But how was it? I don't have anything to compare it to. Like, I've seen footage of Queen Elizabeth's, you know, like little clips or whatever. Of course, history buffs will know hers was the first to ever be televised.

But it was certainly, it's like the pace of it from the beginning to what I saw was like the red carpet except for no one hit. You know what I mean? Like it was just stuffy aristocrat after stuffy aristocrat. crap walking in. The only person I saw that I was like, I'd like to sit next to her was Dame Maggie Smith. Yeah. Would you like me?

Lord Pickles was there. Dude, I guarantee Lord Pickles was there. I just didn't like recognize him. Would you like me to read? I live tweeted it. And I can read you real quick exactly how I felt about it. I'll skip some that don't hit.

Sure. Here's, I don't think any of it. I'm about saying, yeah, it's funny. You're like, I don't know what the fuck I was saying.

with that one, but yeah, a glimpse into the mind of past Cho. Okay. The coronation. Yes, and to just have, some of these are without context, but I think they'll work. So up watching this silly hoopla with my mom so we can talk about it on putting on airs. Okay, Maggie Smith is there. It's less stupid now. Can Tony Blair not afford a tailor for his pants?

Boris walked in like he was getting chips at spoons. Justin Trudeau looking like a snack, as per usual. This whole thing looks like the BR guest scene in Beauty and the Beast if the characters were all played by dinosaurs. They got the windows down in that carriage like Camilla's about to roll a blunt. And this is funny too. While we were watching it and Charles was like, he rides in one carriage to get there and then a separate carriage afterwards. I guess the second car, it's like now that you and God are tight, you can have the gold carriage. But we're sitting there watching it and it's so fucking boring.

And mom, in all sincerity, goes, you know, he really should be waving more. Because he was just kind of fucking sitting there and that pissed her off. Oh. Well, what are they doing the whole time? Like prayers and incantations and stuff, are they like waving scepters around his head and satinial candles? Like, what the fuck are they? So from ancient tombs? Like, what are they doing?

for four fucking hours. Well, dude, most of it, again, was just people piling in, like, his ride from Buckingham Palace to Westminster Abbey, where, of course, they had the first coronation in Westminster Abbey in the 1400s, uh, his ride from there was so fucking long, and it was just people kind of like stumbling in. And then, like, there was a really awkward spot where, like, clearly people had gotten there late and their seats were in the middle. So people were having to, like, get up, uh, because, like, like,

Like, Harry was a little bit like classic. I was going to ask what happened with him. Because I felt like I saw something on Twitter, didn't he? He got like a not primo spot and then bounced or something. Like, he was sitting there and he was sitting there next to someone who don't hit. Like, Megan wasn't there. Like, she wasn't there at all. Speculation is that.

Is that anticipated or? I don't, you know, I don't really know. To me, it's like, dude, if you're going to let Harry be there, dude, if you don't let Megan be, there. Now it's a subject. Like you could just make it a non-thing, but her not coming into subject. I don't know. That's one of those things that I feel like they were going to, it would have been a thing either way. Like they would have bitched if she was there like the audacity to show her face at this sacred moment. And also, evidently, if she wasn't there, then that would be, that would cause a kerfuffle too, I guess. Yeah. Total lose-lose situation. I mean, another person who was in a lose-lose situation was Joe Biden, who was absent. He sent Jill in his. his place. And me and dad were actually on the couch talking about it. And dad was like, you know, it hits for me that he's not there. And I was like, yeah, I hear you. I read that we've, you know how we be with Kings historically. Yeah. I read that no American president has ever

attended a coronation of a British monarch just on principle. Like we don't, we don't do that. I bet one reason is what I read. So I bet one reason is a security purpose. Now you've got two world leaders in the same spot. You know what I mean? I mean, granted Charles is is only by title or whatever. But, but in my opinion, though, Biden, I didn't know that was the rule, but like he's almost in a lose-lose because like if he goes, then it's like, couldn't he be worrying more, you know, about more shit? And if he don't, it's like he can't even be bothered to go to this historical event. I also think that I heard or saw somewhere at some point that we are, our leaders, our diplomats, whatever, also don't kneel or bow or whatever. Like some people

like kneel before the sovereign over the. there, but like from the, you know, ever since we handed on that L in 1776, we're like, yeah, we don't play that. Which hits. And that does hit. All that hits for me. It's like, yeah, we're friends, but still, you know. So I'm on board.

Speaking of Harry walking in, Harry walks in very sheepishly because he's coming in behind. Can you guess who was there in front of Harry walking in? Oh, was it the, the petter asked? Yep, Prince Andrew. Prince Andrew. And so he walks in and Harry, it's like clear that they were supposed to come in together. But Harry's like leaving it just enough room. They like put them together.

Well, I'm just saying they can. And now the shame retinue. Well, they were like being. Hold those with whom we have little favor to go. And it's funny that like what Harry did is the same. Yeah, right. Exactly. Like, yeah, comparing.

their two transgressions. Yeah. And they're both shunned for that. Well, I say, I say they came in together because basically everyone came in with like their plus one who like their wife or whatever. So people were walking two by two like Noah in the Ark. But Andrew comes in alone and right behind him is Harry.

And it almost looks like they were supposed to walk in together. But Harry's leaving just enough room, you know, back there where it's like, okay. I mean, I'm still in the same frame. But there's not going to be a side. by side pick. And he had a very peculiar look on his face. And like, frankly,

I don't really understand Prince Andrew, like being there because they've already like, I'm pretty sure that Charles had said like, he cut off all his bullshit, you know, that don't hit. And so to me it's like, dude,

now if you're really going to go, there's Megan can't be there, but you invite this motherfucker. That's a little weird. Yeah, for sure. A couple more. someone else who showed up.

Old man Parker Boyles, which was very awkward. That was Camilla's first. You can remember. I can't believe the royal horses are shitting everywhere. How terribly uncouth. Then mom came in with another zinger. I wonder if Charles farts in front of Camilla.

And this is when Prince Andrew just walked in like, wait, isn't this a chucky cheese? Do they have a poop boy for the horse poop? Like, did you see like a, like a ballboy in tennis, some little, like, cold-faced street urchin runs in there with a shovel and scoops the poop up? I'm probably not. I'd at least put the feather in his hat or something like that. But it's funny you say that because my dad. They just let the poop sit because my dad. My dad basically asked the same thing.

When we were sitting there watching it, this horse, you know, dumped a fucking huge load. And dad was just like, I guarantee you when they cut back that shit ain't there. And I was like, what are you talking about? He's like, they definitely got something like a chimney sweep or something that's going to go in there. Because like at the Masters, that's a thing where like if a golfer hits a ball and it knocks down a limb, I swear to God, they will catch that limb before it hits the fucking ground and take it off the course. So like, I don't know. I think they probably did.

I mean, you know, like, you know, keep it real. But I mean, dude, it was a long ride. Them horses were shitting their ass off, dude. Yeah. I mean, horses be pooping. It's like women and shopping, you know. Yeah. another tweet.

Where the fuck is Mr. Bean? A glaring omission, in my opinion. Charles better tip this horse at least 15%. Oh, by the way. Oh, by the way, this was interesting. So maybe not to you. Well, no, it should be to you. This fucking announcer, man,

like, he, I don't know if he was super nervous about calling the coronation, because, like, and I don't know who this guy is, but I have to assume they've got the Jim Nance of over there, to do it. You know what I mean? He accidentally called Prince Louis, Prince George. And like, it's funny because he just goes, oh, that's Prince Louis there.

And my mom goes, that's George. That's George. That's George. You know, and it was like that, oh, shit, moment. Like, dude, if this was 200 years ago, your head's getting cut off. Who's Prince Louis? Louis, the other kid. Oh.

Yeah. That's William. William and Kate have, Louis and George, I believe. Oh, well, that's a truly unforgivable transgression there, mixing them two kids up. But I know what you mean. I mean, in the over there, I mean, I'm sure it is. Yeah, I'm sure that other guy was just seething.

Yeah, he got the name, but he mixed up the eight with the six-year-old or however, however old them kids be. Yeah, and last tweet, the coronation in the Kentucky Derby happening on the same day is like a combination KFC Taco Bell for people who don't pay their taxes. Um, yeah, thank you. So, uh, so yeah, I mean, I thought it, I just lost my document. I thought it was, I mean, what can you, like, what can you do? Like, there was so much, Trey, if you needed some pomp or some circumstance, yeah, well, they got it all, buddy.

You ain't got no fucking, no circumstance. Both pomp and circumstance at this place. Yeah. So just a, just a, uh, like, so they, there's four initial parts. of the coronation. There is the first one, which is the recognition. That's where they're presented to everyone. And they have to be like, it's basically that part in marriage when they say, does anyone here object, you know, speak now or forever, you know, hold your peace.

Well, like, they do that for the king. You know what I mean? Like he had to get up there and they do this thing. And there's never been that so far, like in recorded history, there's never been a time when someone has been like, he shouldn't be king, fuck him. But the only reason is, is because Prince Charles or King Charles, like kings or queens in the past, they get to control the invite list. So, like, they only pick people for whom they know they hit for, right? Because a lot of people are talking.

I would imagine you would, yeah, shy away from inviting your usurpers to the coronation. Yeah, if you know somebody's got designs on the throne, you're like, well, we're going to have to leave him off the guess. Yeah, so like, because there were a lot of people that were talking about, dude, there's going to be massive protests at the coronation this year. Like, it's going to be crazy. And then I was reading some people would go like, I mean, yeah, there will be outside of this other building where the fucking cops aren't. You know what? Because like they're going to have this place boarded off. You might hear some stuff from outside. Speaking of which, I know there was at least one, I was disappointed to find out that it wasn't at the actual. I thought it was supposed to be at the coronation. itself, but I found out later it wasn't, but one form of protest was apparently some, some show of a groundskeeper at one of the coronation and celebration sites mowed a big dick into the, into the lawn. You see that? You saw that, right?

Yeah, I did. I thought it was in, yeah, I thought it was in, I thought it was like at the spot, but turns out it was at the, because they have coordination celebrations all across the country, right? And it was at the one in Bath. lovely we've been there very very beautiful place it's funny it that's a that's a that's a almost as funny place to have a dick in the yard is at bath because bath is very oh it's very like georgian and it's unbelievable beautiful and shit so to have like you know the central uh you know hit spot and bath to be adorned with a penis is uh you know still pretty good i wonder if they

uh chuck that guy into the dungeons Oh, yeah, he's in the Tower of London. Brad, yeah, right. Put him in the stocks, throw miters at him for the rest of his days. There weren't any protesters obviously there. I'm certain that there were some outside because, dude, I mean, you can't go anywhere in a big city without there being protesters. That's fine. That's great or whatever.

But there was only one time in history when they thought that there was a protesting going on. So like this was, I believe it was William the Conqueror. So he's getting not inaugurated, coronated, right? And so they get to the part where everyone, he's like, speak now, forever, hold your peace. Yeah, or nay or whatever. Well, the people loved William the Conqueror, loved the shit out of him. So everybody in there not only was not going nay, they start losing their fucking mind. Like, hell yeah, that's our guy.

Woo! And just start, you know, the medieval equivalent of shooting pistols in the air, you know, whatever that is, like hitting swords together. I have no fucking idea. Yeah. But he had conquered them, though, right? Was he, so he was viewed as like a liberator or something? No, I think he was, he became William the Conqueror because of him being king and he was there and conquered people for them, I believe, is the deal. No, that was the Norman conquest, right?

He came, like the Normans invaded and conquered England in 1066. And William the Conqueror was the leader of the Normans. Weren't he? I mean, here's all I know. I'm pulling that from like, you know, 1060s. 10th grade world history or whatever. All I know about it is that the people in the crowd were actually cheering and like fucking like, hell yeah, this is our guy, this is our guy.

But the guards outside thought that they were like, boo, off with his head, boo. And so they just started light and fire to the whole city. Like his people just went and started lighting fire to the whole city. And then they got out and he was like, what? I was killing it. You know what I mean? They loved me. That's funny.

So I looked it up just to see if I was at all right about that. And the first thing on Wikipedia says, William the First, usually known as William the Conqueror and sometimes known as William the bastard. Seems like it was, you know, something of a divisive subject. But yeah,

he led an army of Normans to victory over the Anglo-Saxon forces at the Battle of Hastings. Yes, and suppressed subsequent English revolts. So, like, I came up and just conquered their ass, but maybe Harold Godwinson, who was leading the Anglo-Saxons before William conquered his ass, maybe he just super didn't hit for people.

And so when William conquered him, they were like, hey, this guy, this is way better, you know, until his people set everything on fire and all that stuff. But you've got to foresee a conqueror setting some shit on fire, in my opinion. You can't be that surprise, you know. No, I agree. And this says a lot about me and my segment is that I literally did a full breakdown of the Battle of Hastings. You know what I mean?

Now, granted, dude, that was like in studio days, probably the third episode of the day. But yeah, you're correct. But either way, that was the thing. Then they, so they do that. They present him to everybody like, yay, nay, whatever. And then he's got to take the oath, right, which is where they say their piece about like, oh, I'm going to reign justly and mercifully, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this part, the coronation oath and the accession declaration, these are only parts of the ceremony.

They're like actually required by law. This is the only thing that has to happen. You know what I mean? So realistically, the whole thing really is like a fucking wedding. It's like, you only got to say this or you could do it at the court, but like, you know, here you go. He takes the oath. Then they do the anointing, right? So we've talked, we've talked about this.

Yes. They took all the whale liver and goose bud out of it or whatever was in there. Yes. Yeah. It has to be the Archduke of Canterbury, which I am so proud of myself that I, I recognized him when we were watching the coronation. It was like me seeing my favorite sports guy. I was sitting there going, oh, shit, that's the Archduke of Canterbury.

It's got to be. He got the oil. The Leo on the couch, man. Yeah, that was it. That was it. That was my time of Hollywood. That's you with the Archduke of Canterbury. Yeah.

Cheers to that, because I wouldn't have a fucking clue what that guy looks like. Yeah. I don't know, man. He looks exactly like the Archduke of Canterbury. Yeah. Like, he got a silly hat. Yeah. Like, don't go on.

A little silly hat, I bet. And because, like, too, like. Opulent robe, I'm assuming. Yeah. So, like, all the, all the, like, you know, like. Festooned with bobbles, perhaps. Yes. Dude, I was searching for a phrase, and it was festooned with bibles.

Yeah. It was, like, on the tip of my tongue. But you could separate him, like, kind of easily from everybody else because a lot of people were, like, in their, their dress reds, I guess. over the like they're wearing the red coats and shit like that like charles actually had a couple outfit changes like fucking aretha franklin or some shit because like he went in and he was like he had on like a robe that kind of looked like that dress that nobody could tell if it was blue and black or white and gold you know what i mean like one of them kind of gimmicks and then at one point uh he i came here what the fuck else he changed in too but like everybody comes in there and it

looks like the red coats are coming in town and then the archduke of canterbury i mean yeah he's got the fucking like the hat that does this and then this it's like a it's like a rectangle and a triangle you know i'm sure that looks like a fucking felt in a felon that's what it's that uh looks like so like i said and we talked about it before originally whereby thought this well they say that this oil came from mother mary like that she actually gave somebody this oil to put on the fucking british king or some shit uh it also used to be said that it had healing powers so like if the king, once he gets the oil on, then he can touch you and you're healed. Yet apparently, like, he didn't just, like, do that.

No, I, you know, that type of thing, I've always, anytime something like that comes up where it's like, legend holds that it bestows these, you know, magical, mystical powers or whatever, I'm always like, okay, but surely they tried it at some point and it never worked, right? So, like, why do they keep saying that just to uphold the mystery or whatever? So, because, I mean, yeah, no, he can't. He can't do that. Of course. It's funny if, like, their official story was like, he can.

He just chooses not to. He doesn't deign to heal the sickly. For that is beneath him as the ruler. They actually used to back in the day, there was like this, uh, there was some sort of like, like, cloth. It was sort of like a red carpet type situation. There was a cloth that they put down to, uh, where the king, to walk across before he got to his coronation. And then they,

the church or something would then take that cloth and cut it up into tiny little pieces and then sell it for a profit to pay for like church shit or something like that. But so he gets, you know, like I said, Charles is now, it's vegan. There's no whale stuff in it because he's,

you know, all that. But they put it on. And by the way, you can't see this. This whole, this whole part was they had like, 10 British soldiers come with those like, you know the things that women put in front of them when

they're changing bathing suits at the, like a couple of like really fancy those things. And they boxed him in and like for like a very awkward 10 minutes, he was sitting there getting oiled up. Yeah, using a coronation spoon, which this is kind of neat, they've been using the same coronation spoon since 1349. Pretty wild, huh? Keep up with a little bit thing like that. Where does that go in between the soup spoon and the teaspoon spoon and all that?

Where's the coronation spoon go? I'm assuming all the way on the inside because you work your way outside in. It doesn't matter. Anyway, it's funny that like that part, you know, the peasants are not permitted to gaze upon because that's like the part. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? That's like the real part. That's the actual coronation part right there.

It's four hours of bullshit. And just that one part. and that's the only part you're not allowed to see? That's pretty raving to me. But, you know, we shall not, we, we can't gaze upon their hits. Right, but I mean, you know, you think about how are we even to be certain that he is, in fact, the king? You know, if we're not, right? Like, we don't know.

We don't know what happened behind those partitions back there. Archduke might have been on some bullshit. Could have been fake oil. Might have been just regular olive oil, not king oil. It's impossible for us to say if they won't let us bear witness. But, you know, that's not for me to say. I like to believe that as soon as they put those up, Charles looked at the archduke and just went, are you, you think they're buying this shit?

You know what I mean? Like they had like one of those knowing laughs or whatever. So he gets, it gets annoyed. And then they sit him on the coronation chair, which is where they keep the stone of scone, which is a slab of red stone. Biscuit rock. Biscuit rock, yeah. Which is a big slab of red rock that for some reason,

they stole from the Scottish. They stole it from the Scottish. It probably hit for the Scottish and they were like, well, we will not have that. We'll have that. Thank you very much. And unless my reading was wrong, they like gave it back to Scotland, but then they borrow it every time there's a coronation, which I have to assume does not hit for Scotland, you know, because like, you know, Scottish and Irish Twitter this weekend was a very different

place than, you know what I mean? Like they were just. Not surely. And I, and hey, I'm fucking, you know, I'm with you on that. So then there's the, uh, that Camilla also got crowned, you know, during all the, I mean, she, it took, you know, two hours to do him. And then they were just kind of like, here you go, bitch. You know what I mean?

Like, whatever. But they actually had, there was some controversy surrounding her, uh, her coronation, not only from the fact that like, you know, I mean, it was already controversial that those two were even together. Normally, like, they wouldn't let someone be the queen consort if they come from a split home and like, but I think at this point they were like, all right, but like, they've now been together longer than Charles and Diana ever were. So like, can we not let bygones be bygones, whatever?

But one thing that was noticeably absent, uh, from Camilla's crown because she was wearing Queen Mary's, uh, crown like, uh, the queen, it was, they fucking old crown. And it's got like all the royal jewels in it or whatever, except for they removed one. There was a slight modification. They took out the, and I'm going to very badly pronounce this, the, Coinur diamond, which is a diamond that they, you know, shocker here, stole from the Indians. And it was a super, it's a super sacred diamond to them. And it said that like, she was going to, she was going to take it out of her crown.

I was like, oh, that's nice. They're fucking, they didn't give it back. No. But like, don't even let them see it. It's not even on the telly. Now it's from a world away are they permitted to see it. It belongs only to us. It's according to a lot of Indian historians, like this was a stone that was like revered by the gods like Krishna, but that they also claimed now carries a curse on it.

Yeah. Well, you know, you steal any of that stuff like that. You can't be stealing sacred relics from other cultures. You're just begging to get cursed, in my opinion, you know. It's not just Egypt. I'm sure India has got some good curses. under their belt. I agree wholeheartedly.

But, but, you know, again, I'm glad that I watched it because it was a historical moment that, you know, really, though, William is a little bit older than me. So it's possible that I could see two more of these in my lifetime. You know what I mean? Like, definitely going to see William, might see Prince Louis or George. But other than that, it was like, dude, they needed the WWE to produce this motherfucker, or at least the Super Bowl team or something like that. It was all choirs.

I mean, some of the choirs hit, and hey, I would like to say this. Now, granted, I only have, I have no coronations to compare this to. But the, not the crowd, not the audience, because those were all fucking old, white, scaly, you know, fucking monarch aristocrats. But the, like, entertainment and the people who were, like, singing and, like, carrying oils and stuff. It was actually a very diverse group. Like there was a lot of people of color

like a lot, you know? And the first time I noticed it, I was just like, I was thinking about how much that wouldn't hit for Prince Philip. And then I kept noticing it. And it sounds stupid for me to be like, I noticed it. But like, I mean, I don't think I should feel bad for when this happens. And I see a black person

to be like, well, I'll be damned. But there was. You know, they had a black choir. They also had like, there was a choir down like both sides, which was like people of all ages, like a lot of young boys, a lot of young girls. And they sort of like scored the whole thing. You know what I mean? Like when people were coming in, they were singing their tunes and like set in the mood. And then every time there was a shift in something, they would start singing a different song.

And they would put the title of the song and like who composed it. And there was this one dude, there was like honestly 15 to 20 songs. And this one fucking guy got eight of his own in. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, which I know that like, you know, the royalties. No, it wasn't staying. It wasn't staying there? And, I mean. Sting was probably there somewhere, right?

If he was, I didn't see. It feels like Sting would be there. That's kind of what, that's another thing I wanted to talk about was that I, now again, I may have just missed it. And I'm certain that there was an after party afterwards that I missed. But from what I saw, and by the way, Boris was there, from what I saw, Maggie Smith was like the only celebrity that I recognized.

I'm certain that there were some over there that they would recognize. But like, I know they're top shits, you know, but Maggie Smith was the only one that I recognized. And I was fully expecting like Sting, Elton John, you know,

like David Beckham or some shit like that. But like, I was, I figured that Elton John was going to sing a goddamn song. Right. Yeah. And I mean, maybe they might not hit for Elton.

you know, because I mean, he was real tight with dying. Yeah, because he's saying her funeral and shit. So like, you know, that's maybe there's a rift there. That's actually a really good point. But the coronation did happen. They have a new king. I want to ask you about this. This is, that's Charles's first portrait as, as king right there.

Yeah. What this, this holy oar. He's got a nice orb there. Do you know what the story is with that orb? I saw some people calling it the Holy Hangarnade. Is that got like King oil in it? What's going on there? Also, I would point out that it's like,

it's wild to see one of these king portraits, like in 4K or whatever. It's crazy. You know what I mean? It's crazy. It's wild because it's a mixture of like, that's a pretty, that would not be out of place amongst King portraits. It's just wild because of the.

modern nature of it and everything and how it looks. It's just, it's all kind of surreal sort of. Yeah, I can't remember what that fucking orb is called. I know that I wrote it down at some point and I can't find it, but there's that orb and then there's that scepter. And from what I've read, I believe about that orb is like, that particular orb is actually, and I could be wrong. Please send mail if I'm wrong, but that orb is not actually as or innate as you think it is. Like a lot of it is just for show. Like it's not made of like solid gold or anything and it's kind of just like, I don't know, it's weird. It's like there was something.

What's the point? It looks like it hits. You know what I mean? Yeah, but it looks like. I mean, he's the king. They're the fucking royal family. They can't get some shit that actually hits in there. They got to fake their hits like my, like my aunts, you know,

they get gussied up for the fucking homecoming days or whatever, like costume jewelry, the royal orb version of that. It seems odd to me. Dad, look up stuff on that scepter and orb and send it to us in the text. Yeah, I can't remember. Like, I don't, like, all the things I had written down was like the crown was Queen Mary's, and there was a thing about Scotland. I don't, like, I think it's just, I don't think, this is me, I don't think that that particular

scepter is like an old scepter. I think that's just like his scepter. I think they're lousy with scepters. Oh, you know, it just, they got a whole room full of sceptors over there. Yeah. BPP's notes that A, Katie Perry was there, just so you know. Oh, how did I miss that? B, it's the sovereigns or.

The ancient history of the sceptors and orb. Let's say here. I may have been completely wrong and also may have been the thinking of something completely different. The orb and one of the scepters were most recently saying when they were placed on the coffin of Elizabeth at her state funeral. But I guess they put them up there just for a photo op and then took them away or whatever. I guess. She held them part of the crown jewels a collection of more than a hundred objects. that are of incalculable, cultural, historical, and symbolic value.

Some of the scepters in order are some of the most storied and iconic objects associated with the royal family. The pieces date back to the 17th century and are traditionally a major part of the ceremony when a new monarch takes the throne because each has a special meaning. 17th century, that's new shit. I agree. I thought it'd be older than that too. Maybe that's what turned me off of it in my research. I saw something from the 1700s. I was like, that ain't interesting. The scepter is meant to represent the crown's power and governance.

It's been used in the coronation of every British monarch since 1661 when it was created for the coronation of King Charles II. I literally just got there saying, I don't think that's an old scepter or nothing. Yeah. And then let's see, let's say here, I'm trying to find the orb. The sovereign's orb is a significant part. of the traditional regalia. The golden jeweled ball surmounted by a gem-encrusted cross is designed as a symbol that the monarch's power is derived from God.

So, yeah, it's a holy orb, you know, it's all it is. How else would they know the power's derived from God if he didn't have an orb with a cross on top of it? Yeah. People be looking like, I'm not sold on this. And they see the orb and they're like, oh, well, shit. Hard to argue with that. What is it about orbs?

Like a scepter, I understand a scepter sort of has some functionality because it could be used as a walking stick. But an orb, an orb is just like a snow globe. Like, it's just a trinket, right? Yeah. You put stuff in the orb. You know? I don't know. Orbs just hit for people, I think.

Orbs do hit. Orbs don't not hit, you know. I don't have a problem with orbs. Orbs are kind of cool. We got any type of orb over here? Is that like an over there? I can't think of like an American orb. Do we have an orb?

No. Probably the world's biggest marble in Ray Seen, Wisconsin or something like that. Probably the closest thing we got to an orb, you know. Back to that picture, not to be agist, but that picture of him looks like someone dressed a papal for Halloween, snuck in the nursing home and took a picture. Like he looks kind of scared. Am I wrong? Like he's like,

no, you're not wrong. He does, yeah, he looks like he doesn't really know what has, what's happening. Like someone just gave him an orb and scepter and opulent robes and fissomed him with bibles and said now,

you know, say cheese, which he didn't. I mean, not that I feel bad for this guy or any of these people, but like, it's comical how fewer years he's going to rain than his mom. You know what I mean?

Like, they're, they're coronating him and it looks like he's already on the way out. Like, I know that he's like, Like, dude, they get what, me and mom and dad were talking about it. And they were like, man, he looks like he could go anytime now. And apparently he does have some sort of health problems.

But like, I was like, dude, both his parents lived late into their 90s. He's got like the, the, the Illuminati shit. Like, he'll be there for a minute. But I mean, how old is he? I think he's 74 or something. Dude, he'll probably, I'd say he'll probably go 20 more years probably. Yeah, I guess you're right. You know.

You know who the youngest monarch to ever be crown was, Trey? Ethel read the unready. No, it was Mary Queen of Scots who ascended the throne when she was six days old. Hard to top that. Yeah, yeah. And that was back in a time when the coronation had to happen before you were even considered the king or queen. Yeah. Now that's not the case.

Like as soon she died, he was king. I mentioned her earlier when we were talking about Queens. I was like, I know there's Mary Queen of Scots. The fact that it was not just a woman but a baby woman makes it even wilder that they're like, she can be queen. But it also like I feel like sort of tells you something about it, meaning like there was power behind the throne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like a baby can't be nothing but a figurehead.

You know what I mean? Right. Like that baby ain't ruling. That baby pooping everywhere. and cross in size and shit, you know, so like the, the court was ruling. You know, she got one of them, uh, worm tongue fellers back in the shadows, pulling all the strings for the baby queen of, of Scotland. BPP reports that, uh, King Charles will be 75 in November.

And also he says, my man, Lionel Richie was there. So I miss Lionel Richie. I don't know how. American celebrities are there. That makes it weirder to me, honestly. I agree. Yeah, I don't know. But there you go.

Okay, that's the coronation. Well, that's, that was my experience with it, you know. It was, because again, it was a whole lot of nothing. Like, because like each, like, which I feel like is befitting. It is, it is. But like, when I saw, like, I don't know, I thought there was going to be like set breaks for the fucking shit. You know what I mean? But like, it was like, it was pretty much just people in robes walking while

the ambiance of, oh, ha, ha, ha, was going on. And then boom, I knew there'd be a lot of that.

A lot of that. There was, oh, oh, yeah. Eid up with sonatas out the ass. Shining down in nowhere that they strategically place any rays of light. No. Halo effects,

anything like that? No, but it was brightly lit in there because I guess it was the, you know, the abbey with the sun coming through and stuff like that. But no, not there. There wasn't like a special ray that hit him in the head

right as he. he got the oil on him or something because like that would have been i agree i think they could make that happen this day i agree i agree man but no they didn't so yeah there's a new king some people are happy some people are sad and some people most people don't give a fuck well buddy i'm so ready to tell you about something uh related to his predecessor in fact i didn't think about that but it has to do with charles the first um in an ancillary fashion but i found out about this this week and I've been dying to tell you about it. So do you want to take a quick break?

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So here's what y'all can do. You can get $1.49 per meal. That's right, $1.49 per meal by going to everyplate.com slash podcast and then entering the code P-O-A-149. That's right. A $1.49 per meal. Can't beat that with a stick. All you got to do is go to everyplate.com slash podcast and then enter the code,

P-O-A-149. Y'all, that's up to $110 value. So try every plate today. Mm-hmm. All right, we're back. So this is not a Venn diagram segment. This is just, this is sort of like Timothy Dexter, although he was the human Venn diagram. This is just something I just, it fits this show and I just had to talk about it.

And it's also, like I said, somewhat related because this was a fella in the court of Charles I first. His name was Jeffrey Hudson. Joe, have you ever heard of Jeffrey Hudson? I've not heard of Jeffrey Hudson. I'm assuming you have not. And listen, I should probably do a disclaimer before we start this. This is about to be a minefield. And I want everyone, I want everyone to know that we are laughing at the absurd cruelty and ridiculous nature of the past throughout this historical anecdote.

Okay. But it's too wild not to share in my opinion. So Jeffrey Hudson. Jeffrey Hudson was the court dwarf in the court of Charles I. But really, he was a subject of Charles' wife, Queen Henrietta Maria of France.

Now, she's of France, but she's the queen of England or whatever, right? So I want to show you a picture of my man, Jeffrey, here. So you get that pulled up. You say him there? That's him. Down the side. Okay, I see him now.

definitely didn't at first. Holy shit. So that's Henrietta. Look at her. She's like a grown man or like a, that's not a baby. It's not. So right there based on the timeline, he probably is a child, but he didn't get much bigger than that either when he got older. But if you'll notice, it's not just her dwarf, but she's also presenting the court monkey perched.

Perched upon the arm of the dwarf. She's like, look at her with her like, just totally. like, you know, dead-eyed face. Just like, gaze upon my curiosity's subjects. Gaze upon them in despair. It's a bit of a hat on a hat there. Yeah. Yeah, right.

So, all right. Jeffrey Hudson was renowned and considered one of the wonders of his age due to his extreme but well-proportioned smallness. right uh the proportions is what made him hit so hard for everybody because they had a couple other dwarfs in the court but those dwarfs wasn't shit them was ain't shit dwarfs right because they was dwarf proportioned and apparently geoffrey was like you know his proportions hit for them but he was still small so they're like this dude is what's up right he gained favor the kingdom round everybody loved this guy he was they loved him but then you know

in a sort of patronizing way, of course. He was referred to as Lord Minimus. That was his official title. Okay. So here's the story of Jeffrey Hudson. Jeffrey Hudson was born in the parish of Oakham, in 1619, to a normal-sized family. His parents and all his brothers and sister were all of typical size.

His dad was the bullkeeper for the, the local Duke, right? So his, his daddy was the bull man, right? The royal bull man. Yeah, his proportions came to be a parent pretty early in childhood, right? Theory's abounded as to how this could have happened, right? Like, because again, his family was all normal-sized people, and he wasn't. So people tried to figure out how he ended up that way.

Would you like to hear what the prevailing theory was for how he came to be that size. You'll never guess it in a million years, but it's very typical of the past. I mean, I was going to say they thought his mama banged a leprechaun, but you said I'd never guess it. So at, no, they thought his mama choked on a pickle while pregnant. Why? Hey, that'll do it.

Yeah, I know. What? It was a choked on a girkin specifically, but I was afraid if I said, said gherkin you might so gherkin is a small pickle right and the pickles that they mostly have over there so they're like it's so funny that they're looking at them they're like there's no other explanation like this is his mother possess of fondness for small pickles is that what before this did they think that that that what you ate had something to do with how your kid was shaped or like is this the like they didn't know shit it's like it could have been like you know you know

might as well been the tiny ghost and his daddy sperm or whatever you know what I mean who knows with these motherfuckers that would have been my next guess like she right i mean that makes more sense by the ghost of a rat or something that makes more sense than she choked on a pickle while pregnant with him but that was the best they could come up with and live it's funny Wikipedia notes that in reality he probably suffered from a growth hormone deficiency oh thank you Wikipedia yes that that that does seem marginally more likely to me than his mother choking on a pickle while pregnant with him. But when he was seven years old, the Duke and Duchess of Buckingham came through his hamlet, right? And he was presented to them as a rarity of nature, right?

They had a lavish banquet for the Duke and Duchess of Buckingham, the local townspeople did where he was from. and the climax of that lavish banquet was the presentation of Jeffrey, right, which came in the form of him being served to her in a large pie. So they brought a big pie out, just like, oh, lovely, is it plums, you know, or whatever? And then he burst from the pie, dressed in a miniature suit of armor, right? And of course, they're just like, oh, delightful, delightful. I love it.

More, more, more. I love it. It's fantastic. Right. And then his parents were like, you can have him. Do you want him? You can have him. Okay, okay.

Okay. Because the past was a nightmare. Right, right, right. Okay. I got, I got a question. So, like, you say he was, he was presented to her in a pie. What's the origin of that? Like, did these people have this kid in their life?

Hey, we was thinking we put him in a paw and give it a. I hate to do this. I got it. I got one detail a little backwards. The Duke and Duchess saw him. They saw him in his town. They wanted him. His parents, like, you can keep him.

And then the Duke and Duchess presented him to the Queen in that fashion. Okay. It was like the Duke and Duchess were like, you know, like they're just showing up all the other bullshit as dukes and duchesses at the Queen's banquet. They were like, follow this, motherfuckers. The way you told it. Armored Dwarf in a pie. Top that, bitch. Right.

And the way you said it, the way you said it made it seem like his parents Trojan horsed him into a pie. You know what I mean? No, his parents, it was more like the Duke and Duchess came through and the parents were like, you go anything you can do with him, you know,

because we don't. And they were like, well, he is curious, isn't he? Curious in the extreme. Yes, we'll take him. And then they had a small suit of armor made for him and put him in a pie and made him bust out in front of the queen, and the queen just lost her shit and was like, he's mine now.

And he and that, and then he became a subject of the queen. He was one of several natural curiosities and pets that she maintained in her court, right? She had, like I said, she had two other dwarers. She had that monkey from the painting.

His name was pug, right? And she also had a gigantic porter named William Evan. right so a guy that carried shit around for him so she had a giant you know what we do for you queen queen mary right like and then also geoffrey right and uh and that was part of her her cabinet of curiosities that she had right and they had all these little they had bits and shit they would do one of the most one of the most popular bits was um the gigantic porter he would come in while she's entertained guests or whatever and he

He would, he'd pull a loaf of bread out of one pocket, right? And cut some pieces off and lay it down. And then he'd pull Jeffrey out of the other pocket and sit him on the bread and make a sandwich out of Jeffrey. And buddy, you can imagine this bit just killed every time. Even if you've seen it. You know what I mean? Again, he's a dwarf, but he's also at this point in time, he's a child dwarf. So by all accounts, he's 18 inches.

He's 18 inches tall at this point. I mean, dude, 18 inches is fucking tiny. Dude, I mean, my babies was born 19 or some shit. Right? I mean, that's a normal baby size. Yeah. Dude, that's fucking, but, but like, but this is not a baby. This is him with just a, that's fucking so tiny, dude.

Now, that is like a teacup pig. First of all, the way we measure inches and shit could, it could be different. Like, like that's, take that with a grain of salt, but either way, he was very, very, very, very. small yet proportional right who so they did that so he's just a huge hit everybody loves geoffrey right everybody loves this motherfucker he's so amusing right and so the guy who did a lot of the local theater productions and stuff would cast him and uh he'd put elaborate costumes and mask on him and stuff and these little rolls and shit like that and uh and he was he was a big deal but as he grew older he also, he also, like, learned to hit for people with his wit and his courtly behavior, right?

So, like, he got, he got erudite and witty and shit like that on top of his size. And so he really increased his stature. It's not the best choice of words. Yeah, right. Like, you know, he started hitting harder for people. And he gained a lot of favors. He had, like, he had elaborate livery and dresses, you know, dressing and stuff. He had his own armor and scarlet hoses and ash color barricon suits with opulent sleeves and things of that nature.

He had all this shit, right? He was a big deal. She commissioned paintings to be made of him, one of which we already saw. I'll show you the other one. She commissioned a separate painting of Jeffrey in the woods. And there it is. That's Jeffrey in the woods. I'd say the painter nailed it.

That sure is him. He sure is in the woods. Woods. Right. So, yeah, he was a big deal. And then this is funny to be. So he became more and more favored. When he, in 1630, when he was only 10 years old, and I know it's like back then 10 is at least 25 or something. You know what I mean? But she handpicked him to be included as an envoy on a mission to France to bring her back a midwife, right? Because she was pregnant and she's from, she's the queen of England, but she's from France. She wanted a French midwife, right? Right.

And she sent a convoy to go find her a midwife and she assigned him to that mission. Right. On the way, the ship was captured by pirates, right, who captured them and held them for ransom. And whilst they were holding them for ransom, they made Jeffrey fight a turkey for their amusement. And I reckon he whipped that turkey's ass just so everybody knows, showed that turkey what's what. Right? Then he got ransom back to the court. So he gets back, you know, he gets back in the court.

Is he going over there to help pick out the midwife? Because their logic was like, see if she can hold him. You know what I mean? Because if she can, she'll be good with baby. That's a good question. I guess that makes it make some amount of sense. I just, the way it's presented is just like, she just hit for the queen. And she was like, Jeffrey, go full, you know.

So he's made to fight a turkey by pirates, pretty wild. They all get ransom back. So he makes it back to the court and everything. He learned how to ride a horse, shoot a pistol, all this stuff. He was celebrated in many poems and narratives of the day. But it says that people all acknowledge was this is, you know, this is a little fucked up. They didn't have to do this. But many of the adulatory poems written about him and stuff acknowledged that

despite his wit and intelligence, if he wasn't short, he would have no place in the court. Like, people felt it necessary to point that out. You're only here. He could talk kind of good, but we all know what time it is, all right? These petty bitches and the rest of the court just couldn't let that go. You know what I mean? They had to point it out. Can we for a second, because me and you know this now, talk about or just at least mention,

how difficult it must have been for him to ride a horse. Yeah, they had a special saddle made for him. Of course they did. Like his legs wouldn't even go down to the, like he can't kick him. Yeah. Yeah, well, no, you know, they took care of him. They made him a dwarf saddle and whatnot. And not only did he ride that horse, Cho, let me tell you right now.

In a couple years after that, King Charles I, right? So the queen's husband, his relationship with his parliament had deteriorated to the point of like assassination attempts, arrest, political intrigue, all this civil war is looming. Civil war breaks out between the rebels and the royalist, right? And in the royalist forces, the queen appointed Jeffrey Hudson a captain of horse. And he fought in the royalist forces in the cavalry, right? And it says it's unclear how much combat he saw. or whatever, but it is clear. It's clear.

But it is clear that he very much considered his appointment as a captain of horse, a genuine honor rather than a joke. And then after that point for the rest of his life, insisted upon being referred to as Captain Jeffrey Hudson, right? You're goddamn right. Right. And so now he's Captain Jeffrey Hudson. He's served in this war in his perspective.

And so after this war, later in the court, he his whole thing was uh he's like no i'm a captain i fought in the goddamn war i'm not a fucking pet don't talk to me that way right he had no interest in resuming his role as a pet or a clown right like he wasn't he wasn't rolling like that right right and he had a lot of pride he had a lot of pride about it but not everybody else saw it that way right people still made uh still made their cracks and their jokes and whatnot and at one point in 1644 uh the brother of one of the men at court, who was actually another horsemaster, the brother of another horsemaster, made some cracks about Jeffrey's dwarfness. And Jeffrey challenged him to a duel, right?

And take ten very small paces backwards. And the guy, the guy was like, so be it. Yes. I will duel a Lord Minimus in a hot beach, right? And he's like, you know, he's like elbowing his buddies and stuff. He's like, sure, we can fucking be. Oh, yeah, that's what you want to do. But I'm going to fucking believe this guy.

Okay. All right. Yeah, we'll duel. And so the day of the duel, the guy, the other guy, shows up with the medieval version of a squirt gun. Right. And what it really was is it was like, you ever seen these deals where it's like it's got a plunger and a thing? You push it like that. That's what it really was.

But again, medieval version of a squirt gun. He shows up with that. And he's like, I shall. extinguish his puny flame, you know, whatever. They're all fucking, they're high-fiving and shit. Like, God, that's hilarious. You got him, Archibald, you know, whatever. Like, they're all fucking loving it.

And so he, like, he pulls this thing out, and he's like, how about you? You know, and he squirt guns him. And then Jeffrey pulls out of fucking Glock 9 and caps his ass right in a fucking head. Yeah, he wasn't playing around. No, I'm being facetious with the Glock 9. He pulled out an actual gun. and shot him in the head and killed him dead on the spot.

David and Goliath, motherfucker. Jeffrey was not playing that shit. Everybody thought it was a joke. He's like, you think it's a fucking game? It's not a fucking game. How far did the recoil blow that motherfucker back? Yeah, so he killed that motherfucker. It's funny, but when you said that, like, I forgot that, like, oh, of course, there were guns back.

And my brain, this was way long ago. They was just knives. So like, that just, that's fucking, oh, God, I'm so happy. So, but the thing was, this guy, like I said, he was a brother of another horsemaster at court. This guy was like a somebody, you know. Right. And also, they were in, not exile, but the queen was in like, like sort of the medieval version of rehab, but not for drugs. She was like in, what's the fuck, convalescent.

She was convalescing. She was convalescing in France. France where she's from. So they're in France when this happens. And in France at the time, which I could not believe this, but in France at the time, dueling had been outlawed, right? Wow. And also.

Right. I know. I thought that's what you had to do. You know, somebody fucking, you know, dishonors you or makes a fucking brief reference to the notion of dishonor. You got to slap them with a glove and then shoot them in the face. Right. Yeah.

Standard. But apparently, no, France had outlawed it. And the guy shot was to somebody. So this was actually a very big problem for Jeffrey, what had happened. He was initially sentenced to death. But the queen, Queen Henrietta Maria, interceded on his behalf and his life was spared. And he was exiled from the court and sent back to England. Right.

So on his way back to England, he is captured by pirates again. Okay. He's caught by pirates again. and taken to North Africa. And this part for the next, like, he, at this point, he's 25 years old. For the next 25 years of his life, why, after he's been captured by pirates,

there's not really any historical accounts. Right. All they know is that he was kept as a slave in Northern Africa by the pirates and made to do pirate slave ship for 25 years. How tiny was that sale? But he comes back. He finally is ransomed back as a big, a big collection of English captives.

And he comes back to England in 1669, right? And when he comes back, historical accounts claim that he had grown to nearly double his previous height, right, to 45 inches, right? So a little under four feet tall is how tall he is when he finally reemerges, right? 25 years later. Cho, once again, would you like to guess how he explained his prodigious growth in height over those years? What he attributed it to, I say again, you will never in a million years, guess, how he said that happened. This is apparently his own self-explanation. Someone grabbed him by the ankles and went like real big or he ate a spring?

Sort of. He attributed it to the buggery he suffered at the hands of his pirate captors. So according to him. They butt-fucked the short out of him. Yeah. That's what he said. He said that they, you know, sodomized him into growing taller.

My Lord, what a thing to say. Past is a nightmare, dog. So he comes back, but he's still not, you know, he's still not in favor or whatever. He meanders around. Is Henry Annoyne is still there? her time. She long died.

No, you know what? I was worried about the fact that he would get back and she would see him and he wasn't short anymore. And so she'd be like, and I was going to be sad. No, she, it says, here's what it says. It says he did not return to the queen's court even after her return at the invitation of her son, Charles II. So Charles II taking over for his dad.

So now she's the queen mother. Right. And it says that she had her son invite him back, but he didn't return. I don't know out of pride or whatever. I don't know. But anyway, he milled around London for a while, but he was something of a celebrity of the time or whatnot. He, I neglected to mention earlier, he was a Roman Catholic. And so was the Queen and all that, as you'll be totally unsurprised to hear during this period of time.

And then when Roman Catholic started not hitting for people, right? And they knew it was like, a little fucker's a Catholic, right? So he was imprisoned for being a Catholic for a while. And then he was released in 1680. He died two years later on an unknown date and an unknown circumstances and buried in an unmarked Popper's grave in 1862. But, yeah, so that is the story of Jeffrey Hudson. How did you stumble upon this? Fucking something on Reddit, of course.

But I should. also say that a lot of this, uh, a lot of this is like, somewhat unclear historically. It's like we've talked before about historical accounts of like ancient green. You know, when you're talking about real old shit, especially somebody that's like, he wasn't a king himself or nothing. Right. So there's like somewhat conflicting accounts and shit. The thing I told you is like the most popular narrative. But there's also story, like there's also some people say that during those lost years from when he came back from the pirates and then when he died years later, that he was employed as a spy in the British forces.

But that, but that's all I can find is that some people say he was a spy. And it's like, I don't know how the fuck that was supposed to work. He crawled in an opposing Army's knapsack and just, you know, went along. But that is fucking beautiful, my friend. How fucking wild is that, dude, the whole, the fucking, the dude insulting him. He challenges him to a duel. The guy the smart ass shows up with a squirt gun. And he just caps him in the fucking head.

I mean, pretty gangster. Dude, that's so goddamn funny. And I'm like really, well, no, I was going to say I'm so jealous that you got to this before I found it. But actually, I'm really, really happy because it hits harder for me to hear it than it would be for me to tell it to you, I think. This has been such a joy. And I got to tell you, when you message me like three or four days ago and you're like, buddy, I cannot fucking wait to record. I've got something that I can't wait to tell you. You've exceeded my expectations.

I did not foresee it being this great. But thank you for that. That was fucking wonderful. Yeah. And it's also why, again, I didn't even think about it at the time, but it's wild that this was in the court of Charles I. The first. Yeah. And then his son was Charles II who, you know, later tried to pardon him or whatever.

So it's like kind of related. We do that all the time completely on accident. mind you. There's no fucking way we would ever do it on purpose, but that is crazy. Well, Trey, what say we do some airmail? Yeah, I would hit. Okay, remember you can email us at putting on airs at gmail.com. This is from Jacob's subject line, Metgala idea. We should crowdsource cash to send Cho to the Metgala with an exquisitely made and lifelike costume of a rich guy with his head completely up his ass. Thanks for the laughs, Jacob A. I don't, I don't, I don't know. It'd be real hard to fabricate an ass big enough to put my head up.

I fit Joe's head in it. That's my only concern. But otherwise, it's a great idea. Oh, my God. The subject line, who I dress for or who women dress for. Oh, yeah. I figured we'd get something on this. Hey, guys, letting me first say that I've been a listener since the beginning and look forward to each and every episode. I'm a crazy follower for all y'all and got to see you in Indy with my son in February. well-read tour and did the meet and greet as well. By the way, we're coming to Knoxville and Asheville. Get to Trey Crowder.com for those tickets.

Now, on the who we dress for, personally, while I do think about what others will see, I wear what I like and what I think looks good. Don't like it? Well, fuck you. Don't look at me. I mean, seriously, guys, no matter what women do or wear, someone is going to give a look, make a comment, whatever. Don't waste your time with them.

And Trey, it's a well-known fact that husbands almost never notice hair-coats. cuts, weight loss, different makeup, et cetera. I give them a, it is true. It's not just you. It's you and all other shitty men. I give them a little break because you're seeing that person every single day. As a mother of four, I remember not noticing how much my kids have grown, et cetera, because I see them all the damn time.

Anyways, keep up the great work. You might not want to read any more of this on air. Okay. All right. Yeah. Appreciate you. Trigging, but yeah. Appreciate you, Elle.

I've always, yeah, I mean, no, I know it's not just me. I know it's very much a husband thing, but she said, it's because they see them every day. I saw, I saw a web comic once that I thought was pretty accurate. It was basically, I mean, I'm going to, I can't describe to you how the comic was presented, but it was the idea that like a woman goes and gets her hair done and comes back and it's like marginally different. It's like fluffier or whatever else, but like it's not that much different. But a dude goes and gets haircuts and goes back and. looks like a completely different person, which is definitely true for me and Katie in this household.

Like, I let my hair go forever. I go get a haircut. And it's like, I've lost three pounds of hair on my head or whatever. She goes and it's like, there's more waves. Yes, exactly. Or a new shade in the, you know. Sometimes they just go for what's called a blowout, like where they'll have someone else just blow dry their hair. And I have started, I've been able to notice now when Amber does it.

And I'm pretty good about being like, although, granted, I just do the thing where I tell her she looks pretty every day because she does, you know, and that just kind of, you just do it every day. It doesn't fucking matter. Hey, medical fads. Hey, y'all, I always watch putting on airs on YouTube and usually leave a comment. I was sure y'all would get a kick out of this one. Then it occurred to me that y'all probably don't read all those. You are correct. We scan from time to time, but that can be a cesspool of negativity. Anyways, I didn't want y'all to miss this brilliant medical procedure from the 1700s, wherein a doctor would literally blow smoke up your ass.

BPP, I put it in the, I put it in the chat for you to put, but there you go, Trey. That's a machine where they would literally blow smoke up your ass. And I've actually, I've heard of that before. Does he say, he or she say what, uh, what that's supposed to do? That was the end of the message. Yeah. It's probably like horrific bowel cancer or something, like something just totally incurable at the time. And they're like, this will work.

It's, bring. bellows, you know. Yeah. I can hook it up to their butt hole and. And obviously that's where it's going to start pumping it. I mean, that has to be where the term blowing smoke up your ass came from, I guess, which is blowing smoke up your ass means to just compliment somebody and do something. So maybe, you know what, maybe we could look this up, but maybe it would.

They knew it didn't even do a thing. It was one of those things where they'll be like, they were just like, I just blow some smoke up his ass and telling me he's cured. You know what I mean? Like a hypochondriac, you might. be like, oh, I got just the thing for you, blow smoke up their ass and they're like, you're good. Well, again, they still kind of do that with like coffee in them.

It's not smoke. But, you know, people still put things up their butt that's supposed to hit. And, you know. One last one here from our favorite mammoth, Natalie Nichols. Yeah. Subject line, Katie's Revenge, a limerick. There once was a murderous squirrel who crossed paths with a Tennessee girl. She poisoned his ass, buried him deep in the grass. No wonder she's queens of the hummingbird world. Wonderful.

That was beautiful, Natalie. I'll share it with Katie right after this. Thank you all so much. We love y'all. Continue to download the episode and tell all your friends and leave us a five-star review if you haven't. And yeah, just share it far and wide. If you like the show, we really do appreciate you all. We're growing all the time. And that's because of y'all. And stay fancy, motherfuckers. You. Here's Lady of Loveless. One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four. Royalty.

Rednecks are alike. They both lie cutting and picking fights. Biscuits and baked beans where they don't be low. Sit on down with Corian tray and learn some fancy shit today. We'll laugh and let her leave and when they're wrong. They'll take you to a magical place where if you call someone a cut in love, They keep it debonair At putting on airs

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