wellRED podcast - THE BEST OF THE WELLRED PODCAST VOL 2!

Episode Date: January 5, 2022

Aint shit James, Aliens, Goats, chickens, 9/11, OH MY!!!You've been asking for a while and we felt its high time we obliged! Enjoy this compilation of some of our funniest moments over the past year or so and be sure to share with a new listener in your life SKEEEEWWWW!!!

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion. Because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like, you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie. I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now. Skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people. People across the ske universe, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year?

Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low main? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better. and it's called Rocket Money.

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I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one, I'd said it before,

but I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friend's faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball looking twin fellas. Yeah, so that was money.

What was that in response to? What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out.

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They're the. What is going on everybody? It's your boy with the show. Corey Ryan Forster. You're listening to the well read podcast. W-E-L-R-E-D comedy.com, well-red comedy.com. As you know, that's where you can find where we're going to be in the next couple months. January 15th, we're in Springfield, Illinois.

January 16th, we're in Chicago, Illinois. January 21st through the 22nd, we're in Omaha, Nebraska. January 27th through the 29th, we're in Indianapolis, Indiana. February 3rd through the 5th, Louisville, Kentucky. March 5th, we're in Knoxville, Tennessee. April 1st through the 2nd, we're in Little Rock, Arkansas. April 3rd, we're in Bentonville, Arkansas. April 14th through the 16th, we're in Portland, Oregon.

So go to well-readcom and grab those tickets. and hey, if I didn't name your city, most of y'all that listen to this show or diehard fans, so you know well enough. That doesn't mean that's the only places we're coming this year. Not going to lie, though, am taking a, me personally, Corey, taking a pretty substantial break from touring next year

to work on another project that I can't wait to tell you about. But these are the dates we have for the first quarter of the year, so come see us. Thank you for sharing the podcast and tweeting about it at your friends. We really do appreciate that wheat. I got to thank everybody. We didn't do like a year-end review or anything like we normally do because we filmed our special, which was awesome.

Thank you to everyone who came out in Nashville. We mentioned on the podcast, we're like, look, you know, if you're even anywhere close, you should drive or fly. We had people fly in. We sold out all five or six shows, whatever it is we did. We filmed them. It was so magical. It was such a great experience,

and it wouldn't have been as great if it wasn't for literally the greatest fans in the world, which, by the way, I know that we've talked about it on here, but just let me say it sober. Every single comedy club that we go to. I'm not, I don't mean some. I don't mean one and I'm being hyperbolic. I mean every single comedy club that we go to, every single time we're there tells us,

without question, you guys have the best fans in the world. They are so respectful. They tip so well. They're not assholes. I mean, they go out of their way to tell us this. They can't wait for us to be there. And that's, I'm going to say, 20% our, act and 80% are fans. So thank y'all so much for continuing to go above and beyond and be the

greatest fans of all time. It's been a joy being back out there on the road and coming to see you. So we really do appreciate it. Yeah. So, you know, share the podcast, yada, yada, yada, and come see us on the road. And also you can support some of our individual endeavors. Drew, of course, has ended the abisket with Drew and DJ DJ Lewis. Tray has the evening. skews with him and Smart Mark Agee. And I got a new thing going on, by the way. If you go to Corey writes for you.com, that's C-O-R-E-Y, writes for you.com. Corey writes for you.com.

I am doing a subscription style blog and newsletter. I've been doing, I've retooled my old series that I did on Through the Screen Door, which was this week in Southern History. Every week we have at least one of those. There's a whole lot of fun that we've been doing. We've doing some fiction and non-fiction stuff. And you can subscribe for free,

and you pretty much get mostly everything for free. There is a $5 tier, and you get everything early, and you get audio versions of everything that I do. Now, I'll say this. If you're someone out there, and you would love the $5 tier, because you would love to get audio of everything and you would love things early, but you just can't afford it, all right? Because you're out of work, because you're on strike, because Christmas is rough. I don't care. Whatever the reason. I email me at Buttercream Corey at gmail.com and I will comp you a subscription no questions asked. Um, and also if you're somebody out there who's like, but I pay my five bucks a month. I have a problem with people getting

it for free. Well, then you know what? I will reimburse you. Also no questions asked. I just think that when you can help, you should help. And I have enough people that subscribe that can afford the $5 that it more than makes up for it. So that's Corey writes for you.com. That is my latest endeavor and it has been one of the most rewarding. It's just been so much fun, you know, getting my thoughts out instead of screaming at my phone, writing them down on my computer. And I'm really loving this week in Southern History. This week's will be out. And it's about the time that Teddy Roosevelt had to suspend a post office for doing some racist stuff. So it's good stuff. Corrie writes for you.com. And without further ado, well, a little bit more ado, on with the show, I suppose.

this week we are doing something that we've been getting requested for a very, very long time because people keep saying, hey man, I just turned my buddy on to the show or just my dad just started listening or whatever. And there's all these classic moments that y'all have done. And I don't know one, I would like one place to send them because you do another best of episode. And you'd think, like, why haven't you done this? That has to be easier than recording an episode.

It's actually not. Doing a best of takes way more time because you've got to clip things. whatever, but I did it. I did it, I did it. I did it. So this is the best of the well-read podcast. Number two, we are talking, we've got DJ Lewis on talking about aliens and goats.

We've got DJ Lewis on talking about snakes and chickens. We've got, we talk about, we've got a whole 9-11 episode on air. You know, obviously there's plenty of times Drew and Trey are just shitting on me. We've got, oh, there's,

There's more alien stuff. Pete Ravello's on the show. Conrad Thompson's on the show. Matt Mitchell's on the show, I believe. It was a... Oh, yeah, we talk about the Amish. There's a whole lot of stuff on here, including also,

Ain't shit James. So, you've been asking for it. We're going to give it to you. This is the best of the well-read podcast, Volume 2. So enjoy the show. We love you very much, and next week we will be back

with our regular scheduled programs. Scoo! They're the... They care way too much, but don't give a next that makes some people upset. They got three big old dicks that you can suck. You know something we talk about a lot on this show, but a lot of people constantly have questions about is we always talk about dirting and doing dirt. Trey, how long have you been dirt and also what is dirt for the people out there that don't know? A lot.

I don't even know how long I've been dirtin. A long time. my old dirt head, but that's the, Derton is taking Kratum, also known as Speciosa. And we talked about it on here before. I mean, I'm a huge advocate. I've made fucking liberal redneck videos about it and whatnot before. You made documentaries about it. That's true.

Well, I've been in documentaries about it. Yeah. But yes. That's making more. That is true. And it, Cratum is a, it's an all natural herb, botanically related to the coffee plant that's native to Southeast Asia. and it's been used for centuries over there to help energize your mind and relax your body.

And I would just say that it definitely works and it's super duper hits. Again, it's basically like my coffee, the way that other white people be messing with coffee. That's dirt for me. And I've been doing it for a long time and it's had nothing but positive effects on my life. So yeah, I'm all for it. Yeah, same. I've actually, it's to me, it's a long time coming for us actually partnering up with an actual Kratom company because it's something that we've been talking about and advocating for years.

And, like, yeah, I use it. Coffee is still my coffee, but Kratum and coffee together, I find to be a perfect combination. That sounds like Andy, you know, I do it, I enjoy it. I have a lot of fun with it from time to time. But Andy really kind of has used it. And look, I don't know what we're supposed to say. And this ain't FDA approved, but it has improved her life. her mental health, you know, she, she swears by it beyond just like, oh, it makes me in a good

mood. Like she swears by it as like something that's kind of made her regular mentally, made her feel better overall. And that makes my life a year. Yeah, I mean, I'm not certain that we're supposed to say this as a matter of fact, but I can just tell you anecdotally in my life. I'm just saying, I'm putting it out there like, this is a personal thing for me. But like, it really helps the whole not doing other stuff that's bad for you part of my life. You know what I'm saying? I think that's like a kind of legal way that I can say, what everybody knows what I'm trying to say,

is that like because of Kratom, I don't really find that I need to do other things that otherwise might not be great. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, 100%. So if you're intimidated or anything by Kratum, you ought not be, because what you can do, you can get the capsules. Corey's a capsule. man. I am. They're very easy to use. They're just, you know, little capsules with cratum inside of them. You

could take those. The crateum comes in multiple different strains. There's green, there's white, there's red. Many people start with green. That's probably the most popular. So I would recommend that. And if you're down to try this out, then you can holler at super, superleaf. Get superleaf.com. Yep. Get superleaf.com slash well red. They got 100% satisfaction. or your money back guaranteed. Also, they've recently made a change over there, and now this code can be used again and again

for people in the audience that have used it before. Look at you there. You can use it as many times as you want to. So it's time for you to try, create them now, and get 20% off. You go to get superleaf.com slash well-read and get 20% off with the promo code well-read. That's get-superleaf.com slash well-read.

Use the promo code well-read for 20% off. And we thank up for sponsor in the podcast. as y'all know i'm bible done but as i understand it i mean hell catholics also be that way yeah they can't use correct control let up the careful and multiplying philip rivers he's like southern catholic he's got 94 kids or whatever oh is he catholic yeah he's got six i think but here's the thing he's an Alabama catholic which is wild then why don't it cuss god damn it i tell you something there's a huge difference between i'm not going to use a condom and i had six kids and I'm supposed to keep getting you pregnant, thus said, like, 19 and 6.

Like, I'm, I agree, but this dude is sick. This dude is, he ain't 19. Right. I mean, it does take a while to get there. Right. Yeah. Well, though, that don't hit for me. I thought you said this is, you were about, I thought you said you were going to make this guy hit for me.

I said, I might make him hit for you and I might not because he's the fact that he's a songwriter and. Well, he does. A lot. but he does fuck a lot. His wife hushes and makes Tater Todd Cassler. All this guy's all right. It's actually their next kid's name is Tater Talk Castle. You gotta come up with something original after 12, you know.

Especially for a songwriter. It's a lot of pressure. Huh, you know, now that I think about it, the fact that all no one of, or is that why Jesus had to keep giving all his disciples different names? Like, you'd think at least one of them disciples, two of them disciples would be named the same. You know what I'm saying?

I think two of them were. Were they? Weren't there two Peters? Hey, you might be right. If Jesus was involved in the Peters. He stayed renaming motherfuckers and maybe that was why I got too confusing when Jesus was right in the screenplay.

It was like, we got to look, I know I know your name is Saul. We already got a Saul. So you're Paul now, okay? I have no idea. Well, I don't either. I'm just saying like. No, I made about any of this.

Jesus changed people's names. He'd give them, like, rap names. So, like, Saul. So Saul hits. What's my Bible name, Jesus? Yeah. No, that's true. Your Christian name.

Or whatever. Yeah. So Saul was this dude who love. Prior to the goddamn desert name. Yeah. He loved to murder Christians, which hits. Yeah, dude. His favorite shit.

Like, he's literally his whole identity. Saul and the Saul Paul thing is one of those, like, the classic example of the Bible where you're like, I love their, love their, love their early work. Yeah, a lot. But yeah, he stayed murdering Christians and stuff. And then he like,

God was literally his job, Trey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know that was a job. Yeah. Yeah.

And so he, he's, lines and shit. Yeah, oh yeah, and he was the fucking, and he was the fucking, and he was the

Michael Jordan of murdering Christians. Yeah, he was so good. And so God then. Surely some Muslim has taken that title, you know. Oh, yeah, for sure.

Well, God. God. I mean, like in the Cruel Crusades, but I realized it's super insensitive, like, now too. So I probably ought not said that. I was trying to make a crusade joke, God damn it.

But anyway, they definitely got done more all at once. But we, so Paul would like kill a shit ton of Christians. And that didn't hit for God, you know. And so God was like, he blinded him. Am I right, Drew? He made him blind. He made him blind. And then Paul had to walk to Damascus blind.

and then there, no, hell no. And then there he found the Lord who made him see again. And then I guess immediately Saul was like, oh, damn, I shouldn't, I shouldn't have killed all them. And then God was like, now your name is Paul. And then he wrote almost every book of the New Testament that is not one of the gospels. So this thing about the type of psychopath you have to be to murder a bunch of people and then go tell them how to live their religion. He's like the ex-smoker of the Lord back then.

You're not like ex-smokers are the most fervent. Yes. Mocking people always. Like they smoked their whole life. Then they finally stop and then they just become real maniacal about it. He did that, but with the Lord and murder. Yeah, pretty much. But in reverse.

Huge piece of shit. And then wanted everybody to. He's like that annoying kid in college who smokes weed for the first time and thinks you have to every fucking event you do. Except he was killing people. Yeah. But he stopped killing the people, and his weed was the Lord. He stopped killing people.

He used to be cold when he was killing people. Then he started smoking the Lord. Everybody else had to smoke the Lord too. Yeah, he got tired of, I'm learning this Bible shit. He got tired of being, uh, he got tired of killing people one at a time. And so he decided to sit down and write the Bible, you know, so he could just take out. Just so many at once. Also, the story of him losing his eyes and gaining him back.

He wrote that. So, you know. Yeah. He also, to be fair, probably wrote the story about him murdering everybody. I think he was just a fucking nerd in retrospect. Yeah, I think it's fair to say that one of the guys that wrote... Kind of like a badass. Yeah, I think it's fair to say that a lot of the guys that, like, actually wrote the Bible were lunatic bags of shit.

He said a little bit like a Danny McBride character, like walking to a church. You know, I used to murder you guys, but... I found the Lord. And now I'm going to be cool with y'all and tell you not to kiss each other. That's gross. Depending on the tone, a show about this time period of Paul would be, like a six-episode miniseries of this. Like, honestly, tonally, like Danny McRide would be pretty fucking rad. It would be.

Like, because that's a point that I've never thought about, but you're right. It's like, God damn, he literally, his job was to murder them and then he saw their guy. and then now he's like telling them how to live their lives. He's the biggest asshole in the world. In the whole world. He's in arguably more influential on American Christian culture than Jesus is. For sure, because he wrote all that. He wrote all the bad stuff too.

Like a lot of them. Jesus, he's the one that came up and guys don't hit. In the New Testament. Well, perfected it. I wouldn't say. We didn't invent the chicken sandwich. We just perfected it.

Yeah, Gays don't have been around, I guess, even by... Bro. Every reference to Gaze in the New Testament is from Paul. Now, I'm scholars would argue they're actually talking about pedophiles. You know, who knows? Maybe Paul had one good idea. And then they fucked that up. He was a dickhead.

He didn't hit. He didn't hit. There's like a phrase that involves that whole Damascus thing, right? Probably. Something like road, fuck, road to demand, like your own personal, something about road. Oh, yeah. It's like your cross to bear. Like Paul on the road.

I've never known what that may. I knew it was like Bible adjacent, but I've never known what it meant. Just by context, I would say it's like that, like, when you're giving your testimony, like everybody knows what testimony is. That's, you go up in front of the church and you're like, this is what I used to do and here's what I do now. The road to Damascus, I think, is like when you're at your rock box. them as you're finding Jesus. Am I wronged it? Like, that would be, so like if I was, yeah, my own person.

When I rode to Damascus, I've looked it up. And I don't know it. And then by some miracle, they told me I didn't have it. So I was able to fly to California and kill it. According to Google, Road to Damascus experiences are those in which a person has a sudden insight that radically changes their belief. So it's like an epiphany that you have. Yeah.

And it says it doesn't, while originally used in a spiritual context, the phrase also refers to other types of sudden conversion. Yeah. So it's just like, yeah, like a light ball. It's like a light bulb moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But for the Lord, except it don't have to be for the Lord. It originated with the Lord.

Yeah. I just had a Road to Damascus moment involving cheese. I want to talk to y'all about this. I actually think we might have talked about this before, but if we did it was a really long time. About cheese, I bet. Yeah. So I know we've talked about how disappointed I was to find that

authentic Mexican food does not include the usage of runny white right a long time grievance of mine as a reminder for the listeners runny white is that runny white cheese dip you know runny white if you're if you're from if you ever eat trash white trash Mexican Mexican food for white trash people like if you're from the south or the Midwest you ever get that white trash Mexican then you know about runny white and I grew up on the Mexican food for white trash people not the more authentic shit. And Ronnie White, you know. Everhead must file.

That was my murder in Christians, you know. It was running life for me. Like, that was my shit. I was about that life. And then came out here and found out that they don't have that. I know I've talked about that before. So I still have a void and a, you know, cheese filled or cheese size void in me that I can't feel with any other.

Oh, I know where you're going right now and I'm excited. Well, so. Because you text me the other day. You texted me. Yeah. It seems to me every time. I'm sure it's not every time because I'm sure. No, it's not every time.

Yeah, right. No, it's every time. I've been doing better this year. Pretty regularly whenever Corey eats running wide, he makes sure to text me to let me know how much it hits and that I can't have any because I'm 2,000 miles away or whatever because that's how he beat. And he did that the other night. And I was like, God, damn it.

And I was like a little bit high. So I got on Amazon. prime now or Amazon Fresh, whatever it's called. And first of all, I got on the internet and looked up a recipe to make my own runny white and then I ordered the ingredients and made my own runny white. And I've since made two batches and like it is not, it ain't, it ain't exactly it, but it's close enough to it that I can tell that it's like, also I looked up multiple different recipes for running white.

And they are all basically the same. And I've tried it and it ain't exactly. right, but it's like, you can tell it's in the ballpark. It's an approximation of Ronnie White. And so I feel confident in saying, do you all know what Ronnie White is? Okay. So, okay. Because I find it pretty hilarious. Okay, well, okay. Is it just like powdered milk?

No. Okay. I'm going to tell you right now that I don't know what it is, but I will tell you what I was told I was a kid. And I'm just now remembering this. It's like, why it would end. anyone have ever thought that. Everyone at our church, because we used to go to the Mexican restaurant after church every time, because I saw one when there was.

And all the older men, with kids, we'd be like, well, because that was the only place we could get this magical. Like, we'd all had cheese before,

so you just telling us this is cheese isn't really helping us out because it's different than all the other times I've got cheese. That's what, that's what Corey was like an annoying kid about. No, more,

more info like this. Oh, dude, I was exactly that kid. But anyways, I was just like, what? How is it so good? Why is it? And they all said that it was goat's cheese. That's what we were always told, too.

Really? I also was always told that that was what made it so special. You know, that's stupid, right? Right, yeah. Yeah. Right? Before you do your reveal, here's a real quick story that I made to tell you all last week. Mama been sick.

We're going to get back to Ronnie White, I promise. Right after you blew her birthday candles out for you. Yeah, she's been sick. She's been, like, having, like, weird seizures. We thought she had a stroke. She went to the hospital. There were some, like, scary times. They now think it's just a new version of her migraines.

They're just, like, evolving in the stress, blah, blah, blah. I'm bringing this up because one of her triggers, she knows, is dairy. So I don't know what's in Running White, but I hope it's not dairy because my mom has nearly stroked out for Running White twice since the last time she's been in the hospital. My dad gets so mad. She goes down to Whitberg. He's not with her.

She goes to the Mexican restaurant and gets Running Whitewater. knowing that she will get a migraine that night. She's dying for Ronnie White out here in these streets. Yeah. It is. It definitely involves dairy. You know how the consistency is pretty thin. Well, it's thinned out with milk, according to all the recipes I found, just milk.

But it is essentially, there's green chilies in it or whatever, and there's like garlic powder and some cute garlic salt and some cumin, like spices and whatnot. And it's thinned out with milk. But it is essentially just melted white American chutes. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. That is it, which it almost sounds like they made that up as a joke, like to make fun of us. Yes. You know what I mean? It's white Americans in a bowl.

Yeah, right. It's like, yeah, it's like because this food, again, this is like the version of Mexican food for white trash people and white trash places. And it's like, and so that fucking Ambrosia cheese dip that we all lose our minds over is literally just melted white American cheese. like it could not be less off. It's also that whatever. And it's just like

you know these fucking fat fucks like what it's also it's also the perfect example of America whereas like you look at you're like golly how stupid and shitty and dumb and poor

and all my it's almost like they're making fun of us and this is so trashy but then it's like give it to anybody and be like do it hit dough do it hit dough. You know like make fun of guns

jet skis fucking your cousin. Do it hit dough. Yeah. Mama ain't here fucking dine for a salad. I tell you that right now. I'm saying.

But it's just like, you know, like Rotel dip, right? Vosita and Rotel. The absolute number one seed. Yeah.

Number one seed NFL Sunday dip. Absolutely. I agree. Some wings and some dudes just fucking killing each other over the middle.

Every head must buy every time. Most profile. when it comes to rough. But it's like, you know, velvita is like, it's even more of a like made in a lab fucking concoction than

regular American cheese. But velvita is like the meltonous version of American cheese. American cheese is like craft singles, the shit you melt on cheeseburgers or whatnot. So I'm saying it's like, Ronnie White is just like, it's not, it's not exactly white velvita, but it's like

pretty close to being white velvita. You can get like high quality. white American cheese and I did and it does hit but it's just yeah I don't know it's just so raving they do to make a casso blanco version they do have you tried it does it hit I haven't tried that for that I have absolutely used caseo blanco to make like rotel and shit and guess what it is yeah yeah okay you try yeah yeah recipe though right do what but you should try it with your new recipe that's what you're getting you should right I should I should I feel like I know what

it'll what it'll taste like because I'm pretty versed in Valvita now. I think I could, and it is, so it is a little different, but I'm just saying, it's not that far all, really. Well, that's good, but, yeah. All right, the 12 disciples names, there is a repeat. I want to go through them, though, because something Trey was joking on. We might get a riff out of this. This is pretty great.

The 12 disciples are Peter, James, John, Andrew, Bartholomew, or Nathaniel. Yeah. James the lesser. Listen, we all know other James is the one that hits. And this was Jesus. We're going to make sure every new person you meet knows. Yeah. Like, no one's ever going to have any question about which of these two Jameses hit.

Judas? They're going to know that it ain't you. Everybody needs to know that you do not hit when compared to this other James. Like, fucking Jesus did that. Jesus did that, bro. Dave Chappelleus Prince. Come here, James.

Yeah. And what sucks for that, dude, is he's like, what's he going to do, prove to Jesus that Jesus is wrong about him being less? Like, if Jesus says you're the lesser James, guess what you're forever. You're in the Bible. I assume. What would Jesus do? Roast your life.

James. That's what he'd do. Fuck you, James. Ain't shit, James. Oh, ain't shit James. That's what Jesus. This is James over here. We got ain't shit, James.

Oh, man, I bet he hated fucking Jesus. I bet he's trying to warn Jesus about Judas every day. Jesus. James, you ain't shit. Have you met my disciple, ain't shit, James? Oh, man. All right, all right. It doesn't get better, but I knew need to keep going. There's other tiny hits. There's Judas and then Jude. Now, imagine if you was Jude and Judas did that and everybody kept getting the shit in.

They definitely would, yeah, it wasn't me. It was Judas, Jude us, you fucking idiots. All right, Matthew or Levi. Now, how is it, that's too far apart names. Yeah, I don't know why he changed them at all. Like, none of that makes sense. I mean, like, with Paul and Saul, It's like, oh, really, Paul?

Saul, did Jesus change your name? Or were you running from some Samarians? Right. Because you just murdered everybody. Well, in that vein, their names would make more sense than his. Like, if you're wanted as Matthew and you go by Levi, I get it. If you're wondering by Paul and you're like, yeah, it's like, he's got a fake mustache on. Like, no, I never heard of Saul.

I'm Paul. What are you talking about? This is not a spoiler because it's literally just a name. name, but like that's... Also, it's from the Bible? No. No. No.

He's going to watch that fucking Mel Gibson movie later. No, matter of fact, I just won't even say what character it is. That way it definitely is probably. But that's it. That exactly what y'all just said and did is a joke in Shang Chi. Oh, all right. Yeah. Well, the joke I'm thinking of now, I can't say.

So, yeah. But yeah, yeah, man, that's the, this is some biblical. He just, Jesus stayed. Go ahead. Three more. There's three more. One's worth here in Philip Thomas and Simon the zealic. Oh.

It's fucking Jesus is calling you a zeal. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. Like, Jesus is like, hey, so I'm Jesus. A game? A game?

No. This is COVID, Drew, I think. Another one of your, soon. Are y'all just hearing old football games that I played in? with you it's like with your CT it's kind of like holding your ear up to a fucking sea shale you just start hearing yeah can he play god damn it can he play it's like it was an ESPN tab uh uh what the fuck was I say oh yeah yeah yeah like Jesus is sitting there like uh what was the zealot's name Simon Simon like Jesus even when he's in it like when he was making that

that the last dinner reservation it was that he made and he was just like I'm Jesus, you know, from the, yeah, the religion. And this is Peter and this is fucking Simon. This guy, I, uh, listen, he's, he follows me, but he's not really with us. You know what I'm saying? Like, he's going to say some wild shit. See him at the other end of the table. Hey, Leonardo, will you draw him last just in case?

You guys ever hear that game Simon says? Yeah, that's him. He's the one always saying shit. I would love to see Larry David as Jesus doing that. Oh, yeah. Simon. Okay. We get it.

He's my stepdad. I'm the one who's got to die. So why don't you let me say what the rules are, Simon? Larry David, as Jesus just at the last supper, dealing with the waiter, when he's supposed to be doing some other stuff, like Jesus stuff, that would be really funny. I don't want to make a big deal,

but like, I'm going to die tomorrow. God, you're acting like it's your last meal. Yeah, that would be great. But yeah, man, Trey, I forgot that we need to do this more. Just tell Trey. What? Tell Trey something. Yeah, yeah, you should.

Yeah, because that was really, really, really, really fun. We'll be right back right after this. Are we here? Here we are. Yeah. Here in the hotel room in Riley, North Carolina. It's 9-11 somewhere. Everywhere, in fact.

Happy 9-11, everybody. And on that note, we're. We've got Staten Island's finest over here in honor of 9-11. We invited Mr. Canoli himself. Mr. Canoli friend of the show, Pete Rovello, to come back. Hey, buddy. You're going to get me. Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I was to say, we have to share a mic, and then they put the microphone. I'm happy to be here, boys, on 9-11. Thank you. Yeah. This is a big day for you all, right? Yeah. Yeah. You got to leave out your cookies and milk.

You're Staten Island, you're Italian. Like, it's a lot. Yeah. Yeah. It's been there, you know, 9-11. It's a fun time. You know, come on down. to New York City and enjoy.

And you're like extended family. How many cops who have beat their wives? None. But it's just I have a small family. They're not cops. They're not cops. They're not allowed to be police officers. But they have the heart of police officers, you know.

Swollen and gorged. Lined with fat and all that stuff. No, we're trim. We're trim. We're trim peoples. Yeah, but cops and NYC are fat. They are big boys. They are big boys.

It's, oh, yeah, it's disgusting. I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know. They don't run any. I guess it was a shoot. That's a weird thing. That's always been a weird thing to me that like,

we saw two big fat fuck cops here in Riley yesterday. And I was just like, dude, look at that. Bald. Just bald, pale, fat, not hitting. Their family hates them. Yeah. They did suck, though. And I know nothing about them except for surface level, but that's enough.

It's weird to me. It's always been weird to me that, like, I know two. in order to become a cop, you do have to, like, go through, I mean, it ain't enough, whatever the fuck it is, but, like, you do have to, like, go through training and, like, be in some type of shape to become one, but then the second

that you become one, they're like, okay, now you can just be as fat as you want to be. Yeah, apparently. That seems to be what it is. Like, there's no, like, re-up. You know what I'm saying? Like, hey, every year you've got to lose 20... I had to take C-L-E classes

when I was a public defender. Like, I had to keep... Cleverton law. Cleveland. Cleveland. Right on. Continuing legal education. But my point is like every professional,

every profession, that's the word I'm looking for, has to re-up. And they just don't have to physically. I'm sure they have to keep taking weapons trainings or something. You know, you want to keep shooting the black guys. They get enough of that every day. Yeah, they make sure not to stay rusty in that field. But like that is crazy.

Like everything, it's like, yeah, we got to like go to a conference or blah. But they just get to be fat, and not for nothing, but like, You will probably be a little bit more trigger-happy if you know you ain't going to have to run. Right. Well, yeah. You know what I mean? Normally, I'd just chase this fucking guy, but. I might have an heart attack if I do.

This is the only way for me to survive. Remember that lady at the show last night who said... It was too soon? She said, I was going to come... So we are filming this, we're recording this on 9-11. So last night was September 10th. We had shows. And we are very aware this is poor, shitty, fucking quality, but we're in a hotel.

I thought you were about to be like, we're very aware of this is poor taste to be making. and fat cop jokes. On 9-11. For me. Last night was September 10th, we had shows at Good Nights. This lady, and one of the shows said,

I was going to come tomorrow, but I just couldn't handle seeing you guys on 9-11. Or something like that. We were just like, we just laughed. Do you think that was like, I personally can't be out and about, or I know y'all?

I couldn't tell what she meant by it, honestly. But then she said it was too soon. She said too soon and kind of laugh. So maybe she was just hitting. I don't know. Maybe. I just, I mean.

It didn't, it seems like a sincere sentiment, the first part, I thought. Like, yeah. I didn't want to see it all on 9-11. Right. But I don't know. I think this is like, I've been doing stand-up for a lot of years, but I do not remember actually ever doing stand-up on 9-11. I have no idea, dude.

I think that'd be something I'd remember because I would have definitely gone on stage and done something in poor taste. Pete, were you there at Carolines the night I lost it on that? It was a lady, but I thought it was a guy. Not a good start. Not a good start. No, I wasn't there, but I like it already. Misgendering at 9-11?

Yeah. It was a bad read. I had a joke. There was a pause in it, and it was about being on mushrooms and not wanting the cops to come, even though somebody was bleeding out or whatever. And anyway, I get to this pause. and somebody said something and I thought they said that's a bad joke and it made me so

fucking mad because in my mind he had been having a really really really really good he was crushing he was fucking murder we're at carolines and he was doing so great a lot of his friends I guess you were not among them but a lot of his New York buddies were in the back we were all standing in the back watching him like man Drew's killing it or whatever and then all this happened like a top five or Ethan was there I was on cloud fucking that's why I got so

mad. I thought everybody hurt it. I thought everybody heard it. We didn't even hear what the person said at all. But it was so loud to me, everyone heard that's a bad joke right before I'm about to get off stage. So I was like, fuck you. You didn't even let me fit. You know, blah. You said, fuck you, sir.

That's what you said. Fuck you, sir. Again, it was a lady. We found out after the show. I got to tell you, you were crushing and we were really enjoying your set, but that was without question the hardest you've made. ever have made me laugh.

It's when you said, fuck you, sir. Because again, we couldn't hear anything. It seemed to us like, you're crushing, there's a pause, and you just stop and stare with just hatred in your eyes.

Fuck you, sir. And they just start going off, and we were like, what has happened? So the only time that might compete with me making you laugh was when I'm telling that story. Lexington.

All right, so we're in the, sorry. Oh, my God. That's what made me think of this. So we're in the meet and greet. And it's not a, In New York, guy comes up to me or whatever, and it's the guy. And I'm like, man, I'm so, you know, and he's like, it wasn't even me.

And I was like, oh, shit, okay, cool. Like, I don't have to deal with this. And then pause. It was my wife. Here she comes in the bathroom. She also was cool. But she goes, it was a bad trip. She didn't even say it was a bad joke.

And so. To defend you a little bit, fuck her still for talking during the show. it doesn't really matter what she said but yeah it is different right it's huge it's hugely different then i'm in kentucky i'm on mushrooms the secretary of state for the state of kentucky is there i'm telling this story he did not know that as a bit on stage while on drugs how did i get on 9-11 i don't remember but do no no i know what it is i know what it is i know what it is i said you flew your set directly into a building yeah he did he said he was on drugs uh while reason i mean what i said i'm here what i said i was on drugs while relaying this story

and I was talking about how funny the whole like I'm telling the story and I said the only thing that could have made that situation funnier is if she would have said well my son died on 9-11 and then I like it's like I heard myself say that and I saw the reaction in the crowd and I was just like I mean it would have been a little funny guys

if her son had died on no I'm hearing it I'm hearing it and Corey and DJ and me oh was DJ there DJ was there that weekend but I me and you were it because I was about to to go on stage. And that's what was killing me.

Both of these times, I'm waiting to go up on stage in like 90 seconds. And during both of these meltdowns, but during that one, I had also taken some mushrooms. Yes. And he's crushing. And I'm in the back and I'm going to say, oh, he's crushing to do whatever. And it's like, yeah, he ain't been raving at all, you know. As soon as you said that. And then next thing, you know, he's like, if her son had died on 9-11, come on.

Come on, God. So it gets completely silent, except. Cori and DJ scream. at the same time. I look back. DJ runs out of the club and then Trey and Corey collide hugging each other,

laughing, falling in the floor, which causes the whole crowd to turn and then hate them. Yeah, because we were the only ones laughing at the 9-11. Oh, God, dude. 9-11 has ruined my sets twice. Yeah.

I don't think I've ever... 9-11's all been good to me, man. Yeah, I mean, amongst my favorite holidays, arguably top five. But yeah, I sincerely, I can't remember doing a show 9-11 because I just I know me I definitely didn't do a show on 9-11 when I was a younger comic because I would definitely remember some terrible thing that I did can you imagine if we had

Twitter on 9-11 no no I cannot there'd be a lot of yeah I mean for you guys yeah but in new york it would be like you know it would be the people would be like live tweeting and people fall in from the building you're like if we already had pretty sick if we already had social media on 9-11 I think 9-11 would have already happened you know what I'm saying What? I think that if the timelines had worked out to where, let's say, hypothetically, Twitter and Facebook had been invented in 1996, 9-11 would have happened a year later. But we still would have had Twitter in that scenario.

Huh? You're saying if Twitter had been invented, so we would have had Twitter. I'm just telling you what I know. No comment on what I don't. I'm telling you that if 9-11 hadn't happened, it would have happened as soon as we invented Twitter Facebook and shit like that. But since it did happen when there was no Twitter, when Twitter did get invented, it didn't cause 9-11 because 9-11 already happened?

Yeah, this is the 9-11 Twitter paradox. Okay. Yeah. Do you know about Pete, Pete, do you know about the guy who bowled a perfect game on 9-11? No. Why would I know about that? Well, it's like, yeah, I went viral at a certain point. But like years later, like somebody found this, they were in a bowling alley and they've got like

plaque, little plaques with pictures. and stuff for everybody's ever bowled a perfect game in that bowling alley and it's in like outside of boston it's outside of boston so on the time zone or something like that like up there and there's a picture of this guy and nine 11 happened at 830 and all it says is it's like whatever his name is bold perfect game september 11th yeah 2001 yeah and he looks a lot like me yeah and uh no way well he's just a bald dip shit yeah i don't believe it well you know hey a bowler it looks like you well you know, it's possible. Yeah, anyways, we have been talking about adapting that little story into a short film for quite a while,

and I would like to play this gentleman. It's a real mixed bag, you know? It's a real personal high, and then everything else is not great. Well, the way they, I remember reading this, like, kind of breakdown of it. Somebody had found the guy or found the people that were there with him or something because he's long dead or whatever. Is he dead? I can't. Surely he's dead.

Bowlers don't live long. But they, you know, ball bowlers. not not for their longevity in the game but he uh we all shared that article but the way it like it sounded like a real you know i'm not letting them win triumphant yeah yeah like he was bowling for america you know what i mean so let me i got to do this so let me tell you how the short film's gonna go uh so it's this dude walks in right it's probably maybe five minutes long dude walks in and he's in slow motion and all you see is people just sitting at the bowling alley bar drinking fucking crying he goes up he powders his hands he starts going bowling montage then all the sudden right as soon as you know he gets to the last frame and this will be the most expensive part mind you but there goes my hero by foo fighters start playing and then as the last two pins fall it is laid over with the twin towers falling down you know what I'm saying and then he's he walks away like Tony Stark when he blew up that goddamn mountain thin.

Wow. I mean, I'm moved. I think that's what we need. Thank you. Yeah. Corey's got a vision. Wasn't that rule? We do cutaway interviews and Trey was there.

You know, he's his witness. But I wasn't there that day and I don't believe it. That's just he's been lying all these years, both of them have. About the bowling? Yeah. That would be interesting. Yeah, we've got that, you know, it's got a little tension built in naturally there. I'm excited to see it.

I can't wait to check it out. Oh, you know, you did. Thank you, Pete. Something I forgot to mention at the top of the show is that you can go to well-readcom for our tickets. We said we're in Raleigh. We're doing shows, and that's where you can get tickets at W-E-L-L-R-E-D, Comedy.com to come see us on the road. And the shows this weekend, been really, really fun. Yeah, we're going to be in Atlanta.

By the time you hear this, we'll be in Atlanta on Thursday and Friday. Yeah. Oh, that's true. Yeah, September 15th and 16th and 16th and 17. I'm always so stupid with numbers. You're number done, baby. I am very number dumb. You'd probably bowl the perfect game on 9-10.

I know. That would have been my luck. So, show's been on one this weekend. Being a number-dum, you lost the count of your shots last night, I think. I definitely lost count of my shots last night. That was a bit much. What's funny is... So we got some friends and Riley.

We went to lunch with them yesterday, we went to lunch with them today, too. But yesterday they were like, yeah, you guys got out of your second show. This is like, you know, 12, 30. 1 a.m. is what we're talking about. Well, hang out. We'll go to a bar, chill, whatever, all that shit. And me and him talked about. about it, like on the way back to the hotel, and I was just like, dude, I love them, man,

but like, I know if I, I'm saying this, I know if I do that, I'm going to feel like fucking shit tomorrow. We got two shows tomorrow night, probably turn right around to do it again, and I'll be fucking dead by Sunday. Like, I just, I love them, but I can't do that. And he was, he was also like, dude, you're 100% right. Oh, yeah. Like, you got it, we got to, we can't do that.

I was so relieved. We can't do that. And so they came in the green room before one of the shows, our friends. And I told them, I was like, listen. Love y'all, but we're going to hang out tomorrow, too. I'm just going to take it easy tonight. We're just going to take it easy. Yeah, that's fine.

Whatever. Corey was very much on board with this. Fast forward 90 minutes later, if that. Not many shots almost. He's, yeah, he's no telling how many shots and vodka Red Bulls deep, fucking purposefully leaving his shoes at the club. I asked him, I said, so I asked him, I was like, I didn't ask him, I was like, hey, Cho.

Yeah, so I just left my shoes. And he was like, he was like, I know, hey, that's the move. And I was like, what that means? And I was just like, what? He was like, that's the move. And then he just walked off. And then we get to the parking lot and some fans walk up to us.

They say, y'all want some trunk whiskey? Because, you know, our fans hit, the ones I got trunk whiskey. He goes, hell yeah, I want some. And he just disappears into the night for a little while. Me and Peters. Two things you're famous for loving, hanging out with fans after shows in trunk whiskey. And trunk whiskey. And here's the thing.

I was browned out because I was like, I remember so much about the night, and then there's pockets that I don't. Is that a real thing what you just said? Sure. Sure it is. Yeah. Okay. So, it's like, it's like where you come in and out of the blackout.

Yeah, yeah, I was browning out, like power. Yeah. And any guys, I remember that trunk whiskey was the thing that I lost like at least an hour after that because, dude, first off, I don't drink whiskey a lot. I do like whiskey, but I do not drink whiskey a lot. And I damn sure don't just stay drinking. straight whiskey and I took the most I mean

it was rude frankly how much I drank of their goddamn whiskey like I fucking gluck gluck made their not I'm sure it but you don't like show you can't sip it like most of the time in that situation sincerely I fake it to people because I actually don't want to drink you but like glug glug and as soon as I did I was like

buddy that's not you that's not smart like you're about to be real fucking tore up and I sure shit was and then so he said he lost an hour after that much of that hour spent wandering around a convenience store, like, grabbing various snacks and stuff. And he kept giving him my face. He's like, let me tell you something.

I fucking hit. You know, he's like, you were just like, you got goddamn bitts I'm doing. God damn. Just like. And 7-11. Yeah. Arms full of chips and fucking beard stuff. He was like, and it's so, he's already got multiple chip bags in his arms.

And we're standing in line. He looks over. He goes, oh shit. Rap snacks. And he grabs a bag of raps snacks. Listen, we're not sponsored by rap snacks, but I would like to go on record as saying like that's genuine excitement because rap snacks are among my

rap snacks fucking head they're so good so he said that we get back to the hotel I'm driving of course we get back to the hotel it's five minutes later if that get in the room and dump the bag out and when I dump the bag out he goes oh shit rap snacks and

then he was like it's fucking bullshit we ain't got refrigerators in these rooms and I was like it is bullshit you're right I was like York do something about that and he was like what are you mean i was like i mean they might bring you a fridge you know he's like they'll just bring me a fridge and i was like yeah i mean you have to call him wherever he's like shit and he goes he goes he goes hey you don't worry about this he picks up the phone and he's just like i'm doing something nobody else on earth yeah this is my special skill and he's just like he asked for a fridge they told him they couldn't

bring it till in the morning he was like okay well you know still bring it and he gets off the phone and then this morning and so y'all came up in here we had like five sandwiches all these sandwiches were in bags there's i'm so shocked to find out that that was a chain sandwich me too that blew my mind we'll circle back to that in a minute for sure six bags of open chips laid on his bed there's two trash cans filled with ice and beer and stuff sitting on his uh desk over there and so with all that in mind he texted me this morning he was like dude i woke up and there's just a fucking fridge in my room. He was like, I don't know how that happened.

It's wild to me that they not. You didn't answer. They came in and installed the fridge and everything. And like, just picture. I'm butt-ass-necked. I'm so butt-neck in the bedroom. Gives me so much joke. Him, like, just dead to the world, saw it.

You know he's fucking. You're talking shit about him. Two languages. Yeah. All this just trashed ass room. I was like, yeah. Just fucking calling him the fat gringo. Oh, dude.

Yeah. Dude, for sure, man. I love it. All right. But I have a fridge now. All right. You skipped one and I got two comments. You skipped.

Oh, he's done plenty of other shit. Well, the door was open because we're all coming in and out to, you know, get the sandwiches going back and forth. He's just screaming wildly inappropriate insults at all of us at 1.30 in the morning with his door open. Yeah. That's the part you skipped. I have two comments. One, did you feel like even though we were getting free booze, it felt like Coco was upselling him? a little bit.

Like, or she just is in love with you. Like, she just kept wanting you to drink. But people love you. That don't mean they should feed you nine shots. No, I don't know. I'm not saying you're wrong. She may have believed me about my inflection that I have. I'm not saying.

No, no, no. She buried didn't. I was not even a little bit. Because honestly, I only got as drunk as I did last night for purely medical reason. Yes, he did. That's true. Yeah, he's got throat problems.

I know, well, in my new act, I am doing more of a sing-songy number towards the middle. And I have noticed. And also, I don't know if you know this, but the rest of, what I do is screaming, which is not good for my throat. And if I don't take care of my throat, I will not be able to hit these notes in the song that I'm doing.

So you drink whiskey for two hours after the show. Well, same throat. You know what I mean? Okay. So. All right. My second comment, from my perspective, yeah, I want that. Sorry.

I just, you know, no hands right now, my bad. Second comment, Pete gets back from his show, and he calls me, and we're all going to bed, but we're going to get some food. And I'm so relieved we're going to bed. And he calls me, he's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm walking back to the hotel. What are you doing? He goes, we're going to hang out.

I'm like, nah, man. I was like, almost like I felt bad. Like, I, dude, you know, we hang out tomorrow, buddy. Like, you know, we can hang out in the room, but like, we all decided. And he goes, yeah, no, Corey and DJ just, like, got together. And I'm not sure what happened. They just started screaming and making noises and then ran to drink trunk whiskey. And I'm in the middle of the street.

Literally, I just go, fucking God damn. We did. Yeah. Well, they were very much like, they wanted to go to a place. They were like, tell them they were like, find somewhere it's got pancakes and vodka. I said that? Yeah. Repeatedly.

Repeatedly. You're like, I need pancakes and vodka. That's as good as beer and water. And I tried. I tried for men to find. Pancakes and vodka. I tried to, you know, cooperate with that, but briefly. And I was like, dude, fuck this.

And now I was like, we just go back to the room and order shit. And I was expecting you and DJ to be like, like, no, don't hit. You know, fucking pussy. I want pancakes and vodka. But y'all both just rolled with it. We're good friends. Dude, you need to pancake vodka.

That could be your Margaritaville. I bet they've got. They definitely have one that's, like, birthday cake vodka for sure they've got. I'm not a restaurant that is pancakes and vodka like Margaritaville. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And my face is a pancake.

Uh-huh. Like on the, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like Shoney's big boy. And your body is like a lot. is like a vodka bottle. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm into that.

Uh-huh. I was thinking about Margaritaville a lot yesterday. Yeah, sure. I mean, it was a Friday. Well, no. We'll be right back right after this. Oh, yeah. No, I was just, uh, he'd bitch about goddamn not growing a beard,

and that was the only thing I ever heard about, uh, any type of, uh, Native American, any type of thing like that. What else did your papal bitch about? Yeah. Fucking snakes. and they got down go out to yard now you can tell I got that

poisonous snake by shaving the devil you can see the fuck shave of his head you're too damn close we get the fuck out of here you know what I mean yeah you remember that cousin Ricky bit when he was talking about

he was hanging out with Steve Irwin and he was just like oh no that snake that won't hutch and he's like I ain't got fucking time to be a zoologist Steve hell I've stepped on an old garden hose and about killed my fucking self running off a cliff

any snake has to die and I agree with that I put up some fucking videos before of like I'll be in the park and I'll see a snake and I'll be like I'll just put the video up and I'll be like oh god damn I ain't coming here no more

and they're like that's a fine snake it's okay yeah yeah man we got a bad in the park people fucking love them black snakes and I reckon you do need them because dude if we didn't have them motherfuckers imagine the size of rats we'd have in fucking chicken mock a battlefield

oh no I hear you I'm not just gonna go out on yeah but we could just kill the rats too yeah for sure We could just kill all of them. It's hard to kill a rat. Just get some more cats. We've been trying to kill rats for centuries. Then we got fun.

We already got so many goddamn cats. No, keep making cats fuck and kill the rats and the snakes, and it'll all be fine. It won't happen. I'm running for mayor of Chickamauga. I mean, if I'm... You ever got to fight with a rodeo clown?

Because if not, you ain't going to win, dude. I mean, if somebody came up to me and said, what would you like more of fucking rats or snakes? I'd be like rats. That's fine. Listen, what we can do about the goddamn chicken situation first, for we even go down the fucking rat and cat fucking rabbit? I love all running for mayor of Chickamauga right now,

and this is our- What's the chicken problem, DJ? What's the chicken problem? Let's hear your platform. I have in your yard. I noticed that there's plenty of it came over with chicken fishing. That's a, tell them that story. It's never seemed like a problem, I guess, is my point. Shit.

Y'all got chicken problem? Yeah, man, we got a fucking issue. The fucking issue is that they started fucking fighting chickens and everybody, which is fine, that's fine. That sounds like a huge. human problem. Well, except for they keep breeding them

and shit and then they don't have the space of it and then they just keep fucking. And then they get out in the yard and now we have

a fucking massive amount of just feral chickens which run amok and you're saying this started this started with people

who were fighting chickens like in a ranch cockfighting. Cockfighting. Not like these people were fist fighting chickens.

They were doing that too. They were putting it. You got to get them in the pen somehow. And that mother-over, you're talking wide open. 24-7. Tell him about that old boy that came over and we came chicken fishing. Yeah, so this mother-voker just pulls up at the house one day.

So we got them everywhere, man. This mother-vary pulls up. DJ and Dre was giving them psychedelic mushrooms to see what happened. So the chickens kept up. Yeah, so we had a bunch of old mushrooms. Yeah, but it's the chickens fall. You're blaming everybody. You're the fucking.

For the chicken problem. These goddamn chickens that we put on mushrooms and fall. They fight by themselves. That's all them motherfuckers do is fucking fuck. That's all they fucking do. He was giving them mushrooms to bring peace among the chicken people. Y'all, like, y'all check this shit out. I love thinking about the chickens and the trailer part just going,

we learned it from y'all. Yeah, I'm out there with like two fucking LED lights, spinning them around. Check this out. Fucking chicken just tripping out. That's what I mean. Right there. Falcons catching drums out of the sky. All they've seen is fighting.

They live in the goddamn dream, baby. All right. Man comes over. because you got them chickens in your yard. Yes, indeed. Are those your chickens? No, sir. Can I get them chickens?

Is this like the chicken police? Who is this? Yeah, we got that. Yes, buddy. I mean, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The chicken chair. No, no, no, man. This is a free agent right here.

This is this a motherfucker scoping out the area. You know what I'm saying? He's the status of chicken work. He's been doing. Yeah, he was rolling around. He's like, you know, this right here. Yeah, he probably already marked out different fucking, I imagine that he had been going through blocks

and was like, no, I need to get into this. And don't think that this motherfucker did not have his shit together. Because indeed, he did. He pulls up into his fucking van, right? About 40 kids fucking roll out of them, dirty as fuck. Start playing in the yard. We don't give a fuck. They stole her potato chips.

It's fucking weird. They stole your potato chips. Went in the house, stole some cookies, ate some cookies. They picked up some of Dre's art, which was like those baby dolls, you know. Mama, she killed a baby. Yeah, she killed a baby. Yeah, she killed a baby. Yeah, like, what?

No, no. Drey's line that was so funny was, I started filming. back as I realized 40 dirty-ass poor kids rode out of this van came in my house, started judging me like I'm the weirdo. Yeah, man, and they was just going wild all in the yard. Meanwhile, the dude, he got a rooster, right? He's got this rooster. He's got a fucking rope tied around his leg.

He goes out into the yard. He slings this fucking rooster out there, and all of a sudden, here comes another rooster, comes up. Oh, yeah. Chicken fishing. Chicken fishing, yeah. Chicken fishing. Yeah, surfing turf. He's fucking fishing them from underneath cars.

This motherfucker's on top of it. Clear my whole fucking neighborhood up. Why are they coming at the rooster? Because they're like, oh, you're trying to talk shit, motherfucker? Like, I'm saying, you say he's got a rooster on a rope. On a string. And he throws the rooster out there. Slings.

Slings. In order to fish the other chick. Yeah, because. Why do they come at the rooster? Are they trying to get fucked or are they trying to whip his ass? Yeah, they're trying to whip his ass. Yeah, no, they're trying to. who'll get the hens and shit because the rooster will chase the hens around so the the hens

will come his way you know they'll definitely yeah he's out there yeah he's the cock of the walk but as far as like the motherfucker and the other roosters in the area they're trying to fucking fight because he's going to fuck all their bitches and again what's this man's title like what's he chicken fisher chicken fisher chicken fisher yeah ambassador of chicken fisher yeah did he have a card or anything oh dude no he He ain't have, no, he ain't a card. But then this motherfucker shows up the next day in the morning. And we were like, no, sir, that's enough chickens for you.

We don't even have any fucking chickens yet left. But it was wild, man. Went to the chicken well too many times. Yeah, man. You didn't have no chickens left? No, man, I'm a fucking queen does out. Solved the problem. He's doing a good job, right?

Indeed, I have never, I would fucking recommend him to anybody. He's like a snake. Except for the fact that when the fucking, but chickens kill snakes too. you'll fuck out of snakes. But... That's the thing, though, is like, we're like, okay, we got to have the chickens

to kill the snakes. We've got to have the snakes to kill the rats. We've got to have the rats to fuck it. Like, at what point... Then you put out the rat poison. It makes the goddamn chickens fucking crazy as fuck. Have you seen what we did to bees? We can handle this shit.

You know what I mean? What? Taking care of... I'm just saying, like, we can... What we do to bees? Yeah. You were not seen what's been happening with bees? There's dine.

Bees are dying, dude. They got fucking robot bees. It's like off Ritchie Rich and shit like that. Trey said, what did they do to bees? You didn't know this? Yeah, I didn't know that. You didn't know this? And I'm going to speak, bees are dying all over the place.

Dude, they're fucking literally, like, it's like a goddamn Black Mirror episode. Like, the government is trying to figure out how to make robotic bees that can pollinate flowers because there's not enough bees. Why can we just pollinate flowers? Why do we need the bees? That's what I'm saying. We should just go out there and just fucking go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beating on a goddamn, yeah, beat on a goddamn little.

My dad said a hornet's nest on fire yesterday. Just torched it. And see, that's another thing with like honey bees, you get it. Like, okay, honey, they make the honey. And then with like, but wasp, what's that all about? You know what I'm saying? Dad was like, I'm going to kill his hornet nest. You're going to get mad at me?

I'm like, I don't know. I don't get him. Fuck him. That's so funny. He's asking his queer son. Oh, yeah. Hey, my, I kill these hornets. My pussy-ass boys here, I guess you're going to be upset if I kill these hornets.

That's what he does. He does it. He does it to Andy worse. Andy will be like, we're going to have me. is that okay? Is that all right with you? Good bit, Dad. Fucking hippie.

Yeah. I think the cow got stung. Does that help? You're going to cry if I kill these hornets? Yeah, that's pretty much it. He thinks it's as funny as you do. Because it's fucking hilarious. That's pretty good.

My dad's funny, dude. We'll be right back right after this. Isn't it weird how like when it comes to things like this? Like with technology, we know it. Technology is growing. at such an exponential rate that we are constantly having to adapt laws and legislations and rules and things like that because of that. And everyone pretty well understands like, yeah, we live in a different world than we

did 10 years ago, you know, so like monitoring is an issue and there's always cameras on. Yet guns, that's been cool since 1776. You know what I mean? I know that's very cliche, but it's like it really like it goes in one ear and out the other when it's like some technology thing. It's like, yeah, duh, of course. we got to like, you know, and the do-da-da-da. But like with that, it's like, well, I mean, you know,

laws the law. Don't know what to tell you. Well, yeah, it's like, um, also with the originalists, when it comes to the Constitution, people are like, well, that's not what the founding fathers wanted. Well,

the founding fathers couldn't imagine a fucking James Bond computer being in my hand. We got different shit going on now. Well, you know what else? Also, they wanted slaves. I was about to say they didn't want the 14th Amendment. It wasn't even there yet. You know what I mean? Like, you can't do that shit.

Like, you can't. I mean, we're just screaming into the nothingness on this particular topic. But, like, I just, I just don't get how the originalist just don't make any goddamn sense to me. Because, like, first of all, I mean, Trey, you've covered this at length in one of my favorite stand-up bits that you do and just of all time. And just that like, man, fuck the past. Like, why? Like, why y'all want to, like, I mean, I feel like if you're an originalist, you also need to throw your goddamn air conditioner out. Stop going to hospitals like that whole, like, dude.

it. Amish. Yeah, do it. They're originalist. Do the goddamn, yeah, exactly, do the goddamn thing, but don't pick and choose. Don't be the fucking libertarian that just wants to smoke weed version,

which that's exactly what that is. Or the Republican that just wants to smoke weed so they are a libertarian. Just pause here, and it's fine. I just want to know. So are we, by this logic, okay with people who don't have air conditioning

and refrigerators, hating gay people? Like, yeah, like the Amish. Dude, I fully expect the Amish. Like,

here's the thing. the Amish hate gay people, right? I mean, I don't know, but of course they do. There's no way that they don't, there's no way that they're like, you can fuck a butt in a barn if you don't have a shower. There's no way that. I guarantee you they fuck butts and bars. But I'm saying, okay.

They hate gay people and also fuck butts and barn. Because if you're the Amish and you're going by the book on all the shit that don't hit, why the fuck would you go? Yeah. Oh, but we'll let the one that doesn't even affect us at all slide. Because they didn't have trucks back in the day. You know what else they didn't have back in the day? Gays.

So also happy pride month, everybody. Happy Pride Month. month it just started. Yeah, and no, and no, like, obviously, I'm not for anybody being, I'm not for anybody being against gays, but there's no sense in, like, being like, it's a huge problem in the Amish community. They stay in their own thing. They're not, like, getting out there and affecting anybody else.

That's kind of their whole thing. You know what I mean? Dude, I bet they do, I bet they do a lot of fucked up shit. Of course they do. Everybody just kind of like, everybody just lets them do it. Everybody's like, you know why people let them do it? Because they've never seen them do it. I don't want to go out there and fuck with all that.

Of course. Let them do. You know, like just nobody wants to fuck with them. But you've never heard about it. I don't know. Fucking horses. Yeah. And fucking.

Of course they fuck horses. That's the movie we need to make. They fuck horses, don't they? Dude, I was saying about this today, them fucking horses. I drove by them on my way to Nashville. They got like little kids out there working, which first of all, how's that work? Because you know they don't pay taxes, right? You know that, right?

And the reason they don't pay taxes or something, they don't make money because when you buy something from them, it all goes to the church. It's communism. But somebody's controlling that money. The money's real. Like when they sell you to the barn or they make their soaps or you go get one in pies. Jelly.

Yeah. You're not paying them with a board. You give them money. Right. And they buy land because they're buying up land. The Mennonics and the Amish are buying up land all throughout where I grew up right now. So I'm thinking about that and I'm like, man, it's really, really wild how insular it is because there's not even ever going to be a big revealing documentary about how.

Of course not. You can't get in. Dude's made billions upon millions or millions or whatever because they don't even know what cameras are. Right. And they're not Twitter. Like that information doesn't go anywhere. We live in the day and age where like the people that fuck up that do evil shit, they have Twitter accounts. The Amish don't.

You know what I mean? Like none of that information is getting out. And also what the only way you can do it is you got to catch some people on rum spring and convince them to stay and tall. And some of them talks about it, but they all talk about the cult like aspect of it, which is fair. You know, they're telling me how like it sucked to work all day at 11 years old. Of course,

that's what they open with. That don't hit. But they didn't stay in long enough. I'm telling you, it's, it's bigger than that. For sure. It's, I mean,

it's like, it's like, I mean, on a very different spectrum, I guess, of Scientology. the complete opposite spectrum, but still like, cult like,

recruiting. And then I'm sure like, you know, once you level up and become like, you know, the big boss Obadi or whatever, you know, I don't know though.

Like who is the dude? Who is the one making all the money? Just the church. But they're all the church. I'm sure some sort of elder, you know, they probably got a council of elders or something. I'm sure all this information we could absolutely find out.

But that's what we do on the show is we don't. Yeah. By the way, last week. I declared the DOC dead. He's not dead. He's very much alive. As a matter of fact,

so what happened was, I want to go back to the Amish in a minute, but just a little. We talk out our butt on this show. It's nothing new. Editorial note from last week. I remembered that DOC

had a really bad car accident and crushed his voice box or whatever. And in my head, I thought he eventually died of complications from that, I guess. So I was like, rest in peace.

But not only is he not dead. His voice is like fully healed now. And he's just totally fine. And he's like, 53 or something. That's on us. And do it completely fine. So sorry I pronounced the DOC dead.

That is my fault. Anyway, back to the Amish. Yeah, I'm sure we can find all this out, but I don't want to look it up. Fuck all that. Let's get your answer out. There's got to be some kind of, you know, the boss man. Top Theaton, top Theton dude, Amish guy. But not, but not like at the top of, okay, I remember some Tim Allen movie.

Aren't they called Ordnungs? Maybe. I remember the promo for that movie, but I don't know if I ever saw it. It's him standing in a week. Ordnungs, I think, is like their version of like priest, tribe or whatever, community. Like, you're in this Ordnung,

which is this particular Amish community. I'm literally getting that from a fucking Tim Allen movie. No idea if that's accurate. Who knows? Anyway, I'm saying, I don't think those are connected. Are they? There's not some, like, grand national Amish council. There can't be, can there?

elegance from or not maybe they're like insular things i don't think they have like amish conventions and stuff so it's like the highest you can rise at any given you know it's like being a chief among the vikings or some shit back right although i mean hell they had well there's on they they wouldn't have to have yeah it's like they wouldn't really have to have different denominations because there's not really much i don't do a lot of puritan is very like we don't interpret we just the words say what the words say you know what i mean and we do that like I just typed something in and I clicked on like 10 things 10 reasons we need to stop romanticizing the Amish thinking who has done that well I was thinking we're about to get into

about to find out about all this horrible stuff and the evil and the and it's some Christian website that's like they don't actually get the Bible right how fucked up do you have to be unreal to look at eight-year-olds out there mowing the yard and women getting married at 13 when they're girls not women and go, you know what's wrong with those people? The way they feel about grace and salvation. Right. They interpret the scripture. Right.

That's my problem with them. Everything else. They got it figured out. Yeah, it's weird too because what you just said, like, all that work, like working in the field stuff when they're eight and marrying when they're 13, that's just how regular Christianity was in the South in the 20s is not really much different. You know what I mean? Like, we just like, but Amish people don't move on with society.

You know what I'm saying? Like, they don't do that. like they don't evolve. Like even the Christian church does because like, man, it's fucked. I mean, I used to have a bit about it. It probably will still revive it about how like if you listen to, go me to 85 to 90 year old couple and like they're sitting there on the rocking chairs at Cracker Barrel. Ask them how they met and started dating.

It usually sounds like kidnap of some kind. Like she's always 13 years younger than him. He always was like, you know, just coming by her house every day, throwing pebbles at her window and stuff. And finally talked to her daddy into giving him a donkey and her at 12. And then they went to church and that was just it. But like, that's just, that's surely how the Amish shit just still works, right? But like out in society, we're like, yeah, you can't do that no more.

Like Jerry Lee and Elvis did it. That's it. After that, no more. But Amish keep going. They apparently owned 20% of the puppy meals in America. That checks out. Yeah. They have a big shunning issue.

You know, we all, I think most people know what rum spring is. If you leave, what? Oh, Rumspringer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you do leave, you're out, which is pretty full-like. That's where they got a bunch of those Dwight shunning jokes from the office. There's a dude, and I don't know very much about this, but there's a guy, so there's Amish community in Clay County where I'm from.

I'm a community there. There was a guy who left during Rumspringa, and so presumably is now shunned, but he started a mattress company in Salina, and it's one of the only successful businesses in Salina. the past like 20 something years and it's called Dutch craft did they all have hay in them at first I don't know what he does but I'm saying you know real hard worker I imagine that but I'm saying like I'm sure that dude got some stories exactly yeah but I've never even met him or talked to him I just know of him being because his office or whatever is like right there and slining and shit and I

know that he left the Amish to do that but he like hits like it's a hit in business not like fucking was he look Amish still big I've only seen him from my truck a couple of times and he had sort of a, you know, I used to be Amish kind of kind of got a vibe to it. Yeah, but at the same time, not full bore Amish and I have no idea what he looks like now. I haven't seen that guy in years.

It would be such a great front if you could infiltrate, like money laundering. Yeah. Everything they do is cash. You're just like, where'd you get all that money? Help, we built a barn. It's all cash. There's no taxes because of religion.

Nobody really wants to come fuck with you. They had that stupid-ass TLC show that has been proven to be like completely totally fabricated and fake. There's no legitimacy to it at all, but Amish mafia. And this was sort of like, I never watched my $2,000 salary. I think this was like the premise of that, you know, because sort of what you're saying, money, it was just a bunch of shady shit going on. Yeah. Like an Amish, well, mafia.

and that show is all bullshit. But I, you know, I bet they up to some shit, though. Of course. I don't know if you're having delays, but Corey, I thought that was hilarious. Thank you. I appreciate that. What did you say? I called the show my $2,000 salary.

Oh. Apparently they got pollution issues because they just, you know, they don't give a fuck about the EPA. Man, they're trying to explain the EPA to not. What are they, hold on? What are they polluting with? A fertilizer. They're running it in the bay.

and streams. Okay. Yeah. They live, you know, there's always a lot of them together. So it's...

I got to say, though, if I'm, this is just me coming from a logical standpoint, pragmatic, which is not normally my base, but I'll try to get there.

The amount of otherwise pollution that they don't do, I feel like sort of cancels that out. You know what I'm saying? Like, maybe my mom, my mama wasn't taking a dump in the creek,

but she also had the aquinet out on the porch every day, just, you know what I mean? And they don't do none of that. Like, the average human beings, without meaning to affects the ozone so much. The Amish, let them have shit.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, their carbon footprint is made out of, you know, from a wooden shoe. It's fine. Right, exactly. There were a contingent of people in Salina, I remember who used to like, so obviously the Amish, they sell a whole bunch of shit. You can buy vegetables. Their butter hits.

Vegetables, jellies, butter, a lot of their shit hits. Yeah. So all that type of stuff. No regulations on it. A contingent of people who wouldn't buy stuff from the Amish. And I remember one of the reasons they would give. was they were like, you know, they use human manure to, like, fertilize their crops with. Right.

And I remember as a kid being like, what, what's the best kind of poop to put, like, you're using fucking poop either way. Right. You give the shit. Yeah, right. No pun intended. Like, I never understood why that would matter, but some people were always really weirded out about, first of all, I don't even know if that's true.

That was a rumor, but people were like, you know, they used, like, human feces, right? Okay. No go. It's like, I don't get it. We eat stuff. Let me read this to you guys. I'm just going to read it word for word off the richest.com. I don't know what the fuck that is.

That's where I found this list. The richest.com? That is a website designed to hurt you. One of the problems is drunk buggy driving. I think I've heard that. It happens more than you think. Here are a few stories about Amish drinking, driving that will make you raise your eyebrow. In the summer of 2010, an Amish team was caught drinking in charge of possession of alcohol, failure to stop, failure to yield, and overdriving.

animal. Levi Detweiler, 17, started a horse and buggy chase with the cops, which lasted exactly a mile before he made a sharp turn and wound up in a ditch. That's the horse's fault, by the way. He fled the scene, but of course was found quickly. It doesn't say how he was found quickly, but it's probably because he was walking around, you know, with that fucking bowl cut from 1984. I was about to say, and he was wearing, like, boot. like huge boat.

Overalls and high water. Yeah, suspenders, jeans. Yeah. A fucking wide-brimmed hat. Yeah, yeah, all that. He was carrying a butter churn. It was impossible to comment on his clothes and not offend all of our fans. Just we all are.

All our Amish fans? Yeah. No, come on. What is the Amish dress like? Let's be honest. Our fans. Trains. They cover up crime a lot, apparently.

I guess that's something that happens with any insular group. Is that like a, Is that like a, you mean they, they like cover up there. They do a lot of crimes and intentionally cover them up. Or like when one of their kids does something stupid, they cover it up because it's like for the gray to good, for the gray to good, like that type of thing.

Yeah. So it's like rape. Oh, yeah. They've even covered up murder. Now they take care of it themselves, surprisingly. But it's like. I was about to say, dude, like, for real, and I'm stupid. We know that.

But like in the Amish community, people don't really fuck with them. I'd say that most of them are born in their yards, you know. So like when an Amish person dies, do you think there's a lot of them like reporting that to the corner and stuff? Or do you think they take care of a lot of that in-house? And you just never will know. The list that I skipped was they just dig hand,

they just hand-dick to just do it. So like there's just people that have existed. And there's no way to say this without sounding like insane. But like there's people that have existed, a bunch of people that like, the federal government has no, that they would have never known they even existed at all. Like, on paper, they didn't exist. Like, men in black flash, like, they're just in a, like, if they fucking dug this person up,

there would be nothing, what were you even looking for? You know what I mean? Their fucking teeth prints aren't going to match shit. Their fingerprints ain't even in the goddamn system. They don't have a fucking Social Security number. This is a non-thing. I bet they have to have some of that to exist as they do. Right.

The assumption I'm making, but I'm assuming that they do death and birth reports and social security numbers somehow themselves, like through the government, because if they didn't, the first time something gnarly happened and the Fed showed up, like, you know, some, I'm sure there's been big problems of, you know, maybe they had a serial killer amongst them or something. And the Fed showed up if they found out no one had a social security number, I think that would have put an end to it. But maybe I'm naive. No, I'm sure that you're right. I'm just sitting there thinking, like, certainly there has to be baby. he's born that like they're like well we'll get around to it but it's uh it's you know it's the bull weevil season and we have to go out there with our sithe and like and then they just don't do it because also i'm sure that there's like kids they don't even know their fucking names they just stay having kids

they're like oh the one with the no mustache and the beard like i don't know that's one of them so this uh this sounds made up but the final thing on this list is that they hate america but love me what that can't be it How do they even know about America? It says many Amish went to Mexico over a century ago, lured by large plots of land and no military draft, and they ended up incorporating tortillas and sauce into their own dishes, which made it way back.

There's Mexican Amish making salsa and tortillas and shit. I got to know. More recently, Amish go down to Mexico for major surgical procedures. I don't know they're allowed to do that because they don't have health insurance, but it's cheaper down there. But they hate American, you know, individual. fucking backer leaf around it and hope for the best. That's what I thought.

I was about to say. Have your horse doctor shoot you if you start feeling too bad. Yeah. Does this change your assessment of the environment stuff, Corey? Now that you know they're just flying to fucking Mexico for surgery, like a drug dealer. A little bit because like here's the thing. Like I know for a fact that pretty well in every religion, there is hypocrisy where it's like, oh, I thought they weren't supposed to do that.

And like, well, they're not, but they do it anyways. Like the only thing, like, like I've always said like, uh, like I think the, reason that Christians get so mad at Muslims all the time in Islam is that they're like, man, say what you will, but like, they fucking go by that book. You know what I mean? Like, God damn. Like, they really, they really do, man. They follow the fucking rules, even when they don't hit. And whereas we, when they don't hit, we don't follow them rules, which, you know, Val Crawford bit about that where he's like, I don't, you, y'all can't even front daycare way more about they got. You know, I know, because they blow themselves up.

Yeah. You try to tell some, some brother to, hey, Jesus said, you should walk in that building with a bomb strap to your chest. I don't know Jesus like that. I don't think I've ever heard that, but that's funny because when I was like probably 19 or 20, I pretty much had that same bit. Bet you LaValle's was a lot better. But it was pretty, yeah, the whole thing was just to be making a point of like, I think it's a jealousy issue of like, man, they're just way better to their God than we are ours.

But like, for real though, like they're like, you think in Amish, you're like, oh, well, no, they're not, they couldn't do that. But it's like, yeah, people are full of fucking shit. But to me, it's like, again, like I said earlier, If you're going to completely cut yourself off from society and technology and all the fucking stuff that hits just because you're trying to live by the Bible, then why would you make, if you are going to be a hypocrite and make concessions, why would it be for just little tiny dumb things? You know what I'm saying? I'm with you. I was going to say they don't hit for me.

I think they're a cult. No, they don't hit. And for the record, fucking come at us. You know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Did something, Amish? Oh, how'd you hear about it? Oh, I almost had a phone.

Exactly. Thank you all for listening to The Well Red Show. We love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Tune in next week if you got nothing to do. Thank you, God bless you. Good night and skew. The Popeye's family feast. Why has everybody suddenly family with Popeyes hits the table?

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