wellRED podcast - Through the Screen Door w/ Corey Ryan Forrester Episode 1!

Episode Date: July 22, 2020

Hey everybody, it's your boy The CHO and I am VERY excited to announce that I have a BRAND NEW podcast! Through the Screen Door has comedy monologues, sketches, sh**y movie reviews, wacky characters like THE BUTTERCREAM DREAM, and a segment that I'm very proud of called This Week In Southern History where we share a story of a (sometimes forgotten) moment in our history and then try and make sense of it!You can Click HERE to subscribe on APPLE podcastsorJust go to screendoorpod.comPlease subscribe, download, and tell your friends! (Also give us a 5 star review if you think we deserved it!) Love y'all!

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion, because used to, you, like, had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

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Do you even know how many subscriptions that you actively pay for every month or every year? Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery? Getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low main? Because that's a thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better.

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practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that. Also, a fun one I'd said it before, but I had a, I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friends' faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got, I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies, you know, those weren't a little like the cue ball looking twin fellas. Yeah. So that was that in response to? What was that reply I give for just when I did something stupid. Something fat and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first, but then I quit using it and was still paying for

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Through the screen door with Cory Riot. The following is a paid political advertisement. Hey y'all. It's me. Bubba. And I'm running for Congress in the great state of Mississippi. While many politicians pander to their constituents, I don't listen to none of y'all,

but I do answer to a high calling and hold myself to three unwavering principles. Number one, the Bible and the Constitution are heaven-sent, and were handed to us like a rattle out of the baby Jesus' hand as the word of God. And of course, by God, I mean that in the very, very narrowest definition possible, completely based on what patch of land I happened to be born on and what my parents told me to believe. Number two, Donald Trump is a brilliant, energetic, handsome, and healthy man as well as the instrument by which we interpret and apply these two tools.

Number three, I Bubba do not give the wispiest of a blonde pussy hair worth of a fuck. With Bubba in office, you know what you'll get. The kind of reliance that you can count on from Ted Cruz and Paul Ryan and Marco Rubio, but without the pretense of morality and integrity on the front side, Bubba won't waste your time. Sure, I see the polls, and we may be in trouble, but first of all, rule number three. And second of all, I'm hoping that the hippies will be too busy playing hacky sack and making a bong out of an avocado to vote. That gives me hope.

Bubba in 2020, I might sneak in, and I don't give a fuck. Call me Donald. The proceeding was a paid political advertisement. But now it's time for Through the Screen Door with Corey Ryan Forster. This week on Through the Screen Door, Corey reviews Green Lantern. We take a look at this week in Southern History and special appearance by our guest, The Buttercream Dream. And now, the man himself. straight from his refrigerator of shame to your living room.

What's up? Corey! All right, what's going on, everybody, and welcome to the show. Roger Stone is under fire for using a racial slur during an interview with a black radio host. When asked to comment, Roger Stone lit a smoke bomb, threw it on the ground, and screamed, Batman will never get to me. Now you must solve these riddles three. It's like a Batman bill. The WHO or the WHO reported over a quarter million coronavirus cases in one day. When briefed an email about this, Donald Trump said,

Who reported over a quarter million coronavirus cases in one day? And his press secretary said, yes. Trump said, no, who did? The press secretary said, yes, that's what I said. Who did? No, that's what I'm asking you, why I ought to. I love the current reference. Yeah, it's great.

There's nothing more current than the, the who's on first trope. Speaking of President Trump, President Trump's re-election campaign pushed a series of Facebook ads this weekend accusing the Chinese video app TikTok. You're on TikTok, aren't you, Coon?

You're up to speed with the kids. There's nothing people want to do more than watch me dance. That's right. We're all TikToking over here. The ads from the Trump campaign were accusing the app TikTok of spying on Americans. Look, running ads on Facebook accusing a company of spying is like running ads on this podcast accusing somebody or something

of being, you know, not well thought out, unintelligent, unnecessary, and overall a desperate cry for help from a worthless piece of shit. You know what I'm saying? Like, come on, they're spying on people. That's their whole thing. They sell information. But now because the Chinese people do it and there's like hip grandmas on their dancing all of a sudden we're supposed to give a fuck, I don't buy it. I don't like it. I'll tell you another company that I often don't buy it from. Walmart, They are the latest in a long line of companies who are requiring their patrons to wear a mask while they shop there. In a follow-up to this news, a spokesman for the company assured customers that their policy on not taking a shower or wearing pants that even a little bit fit will remain unchanged. So they don't, you know, the base doesn't have to worry.

You understand what I'm saying? Pants are optional still. Absolutely. At Walmart, are you kidding me? Why would you, listen, if you have pants, what do you need to be at Walmart for? when I was a kid it was just like oh shit where's your pants we better go to Walmart and most of the people I see at Walmart probably are improved by wearing a mask abs oh dude are you kidding me this part of people's face that goes to Walmart is not doing them

any favors have you ever there's I've always had like this conspiracy theory that like Walmart has some sort of like weird filter like when you walk in it it's similar to the DMV like when I go to the Walmart or the DMV I constantly go okay, there's no way that I am the only good looking person in this place. And I don't consider myself an Adonis. I'm just saying when I go to Walmart, I'm like, I know for a fact I'm better looking than everybody here. When I go to the DMV, I know I'm better looking and smarter than everybody there.

What is it? Like, did we just walk in there and it's like some sort of like Twin Peaks fucking, I don't get it? Well, over in Minnesota, police used drones this past week to monitor nudity on a Minnesota Beach. When asked to comment, the policeman on duty said, and I quote, don't look at me in the face. Oh, God, they can totally tell. I'm so ashamed. Please, someone get me some ice from my shoulder. Why can't I make a fist? Blue Lives Matter. Am I right? Yeah, yeah. She was jerking off. See, that's the best, best jerk off joke I've written in a week. Trader Joe's, Coon. You go to Trader Joe's a lot after you get through TikTok and.

Love Trader Joe's. Love Trader Joe's. Got to love Trader Joe's. I love Trader Joe's. Well, Trader Joe's is taking a step in the right direction. Trader Joe's has decided to remove a bunch of products that they now deem racist branding and packaging, such as Trader Jose's Mexican products, Trader Ming's Asian products, and of course our favorite Trader Murray Weinberg's bagels and Porsche. Wow. On the nose with that one, weren't they? I think it's a solid, solid decision.

Yeah, I do too. Here's something that I don't find to be a solid decision. Taco Bell is removing. Some long-running menu items to make way for more new ones. And one of the items that they are removing includes my favorite side item of all time, the cheesy fiesta potatoes. And I do not have a joke here, ladies and gentlemen, but I would like to observe a moment of silence.

You can fix that in post right. That's the monologue, everybody. We got it. We nailed it. First monologue. Corey, it is our first show. How you feeling? How are you feeling today, man?

I'm feeling a lot better once we got through that. I feel like a professional. What's your inspiration for your jokes this week? Of course, Trump is always just a nonstop wellspring, right? Yeah, he is. And so I do my best usually, like when we're on tour and stuff, like people always assume people that haven't seen us, they're like, oh, I bet you guys just literally go up there

and just read Trump's tweets, you know, and you just make fun of Trump the whole time because it's low-hanging fruit. And, like, it's actually the complete opposite that I normally try to do because I know that people think that's what you're going to do, so I try not. Like, I don't think I've said Trump's name on stage in like two and a half years. I've definitely alluded to him and like you kind of, you knew what I was doing. But, you know, come on. It's a monologue.

We got to, if they're all going to be thrown away anyways, let's fuck with him a little bit. And yeah, he unfortunately is a never-ending whale of bullshit. And I left a lot on the field. I'm not going to lie. With someone like Trump, we always hear from comedians that I hear a couple things. I've heard that making fun of someone like Obama. is tough because he's no drama Obama, but I've also heard from comedians

that making fun of Trump is really difficult because he's parody that's larger than life. Yeah, I think that's true. Like, honest to God, like, you know, I know a lot of people were like, when Obama was in the administration, they're like, oh, Saturday Night was easy on Obama and comedians were easy on Obama.

And it's like, yeah, but, and it's not just that I agreed with, because I didn't agree with everything that that dude did. I disagreed with a lot. lot of it. I found out after I voted for him the second time, like, oh, shit, I voted for a moderate, and I thought I was voting for a liberal. So it's not that. It's just kind of like he was, he was cool. He was super cool, and that's really hard to make fun of. Like, it's insanely hard to make fun of somebody who, number one, is cool. And number two, if you made fun of Obama

to his face, I know he would either just shake it off and be like, well, good to see it. Thank you. I appreciate you. Thank you for your vote. He would just shake it off because he's cool where it's like you know Trump is going to have an actual fucking meltdown because he's a child. But yeah, sincerely, I actually do like I kind of now wish like, man, I didn't know how good I had it. I could have made some really good Obama jokes because nobody would have thought that I was going to do it. And that would have been like more creatively fulfilling to me. Like if you can really get one over on Obama, that's good. But like, yeah, with Trump, it's like, what am I going to write that is funnier than the fucking insane

diatribe that he went on on his toilet last night while he was Adderald out of his mind. And it's starting, though, to get like, where it's, it's kind of hard for me to even say funnier than him because, like, it's starting to get more like, all right, what he's saying in a vacuum is funny, but like, fuck, man, he's the leader of the free world. Like, this isn't funny anymore. It'd be really funny if my uncle who didn't matter said it. Like, my uncle can be funny and say that, but my uncle doesn't fucking matter. So, I don't know, man.

But yeah, I think it's been more difficult, honestly. And there's things that are so outrageous that we've even forgot about already. I was reminded recently that Trump thought he could buy Greenland. Do you remember that? Yeah. That was like right before COVID or something. And that's the thing about him, man. And I don't know if he's so stupid or so brilliant that he knows.

I can say whatever I want because by the time everyone gets their think piece written up on me saying that I'm going to buy Greenland, I will have said, insert whatever fucking insane. thing there is like the next day and like with the with the new cycle being 48 hours you really you legitimately cannot keep up like we have forgotten more dumb shit that he has said than Obama ever said in his entire life and I'm not just sitting here trying to jerk off Barack Obama honest to God I you could kind of say that about Bush too and Bush was like known for saying dumb shit but like when Bush said dumb shit you could tell he was at least trying to say the right thing and I'm and I don't want to be a Bush sympathizer either, but you could tell

when he was giving his speech or when he was asked something, he was trying to give the best response that he could, and sometimes he would fuck up a word because he was a goddamn idiot sometimes. But Trump, son, he don't give a fuck, boy, he just literally, I can't

Trump, Trump talks to reporters like comedians who don't have a following do podcast. They just assume no one's listening, so they just open their goddamn mouth and just start going and then they're like what does it matter i mean no one's going to hear this right i mean we talk about buying greenland tomorrow so what does it matter i've never seen anything like it in my life but

again it's gotten past the point of funny now i think and it's just like fuck he's been here for four years there's riots in the street i wonder if those are connected well speaking of comedians without a following talking on a podcast and saying whatever the fuck they want welcome to through the screen door right here on all your podcast platform of course we have a patreon it is up and running. You're going to have bonus material. You're going to have daily shows. We're going to have video, all kinds of cool stuff over on the Patreon. And Corey, we can talk about it all day. But why don't we tell them what's coming up on the show today? Man, we've got a lot of cool bits that I was really happy to ride over the past few days. And I've really just had a field day with this. You were going

to hear some zany commercials. You're going to hear a, it's, you know, hell, everything's a new segment. This is the first episode of the podcast. podcast. But as we said, me and you were talking about off mic, it's like, you know, we're going to try out a bunch of bits. Like this is going to be very experimental. Like, you know, you might see Conan would try some bits one week and then you never heard from them again because maybe that bit didn't work. And I'm not so ego driven that I think, oh, everything we do will stick around forever because it's going to be amazing. But I do have a lot of confidence in this segment this week in Southern history, which it's kind of one of those honest to God. I've thought about it.

I was like, you know what? Even if fucking every week someone texts me and like I fucking hate this week in Southern history. I've had so much fun writing them because I got on like a role. I wrote the first one and I was like, well, hey, there's nothing. You know, history hadn't changed. There's nothing saying I can't write next week's either. And I've had so much fun. So you're going to hear these little pre-recorded stories this week in Southern history

that me and my good buddy producer, Mr. Matt Coon, will then sort of digest and pull apart and talk more in depth about. and also we watched the Green Lantern this week and are going to record that. We're doing a thing where there's all these like movies out there that are not just shitty, but they're like so shitty that everybody's like, you've got to watch them. And I'm like, well, I would just rather spend my time watching something that hits. But I've always wanted an excuse to go back and watch some of these shitty movies. And then Kuhn had the idea.

He's like, well, let's just review these shitty movies. And people will probably lament with the two hours that we spent, you know, ruining part of our day. So we watch the green lantern and we're going to discuss that. And am I missing anything here? Well, there's a ton like you said. We got some silly bits. We've got, we've already heard from Bubba. We're going to hear some fake commercials. But before we do, let's hear from our real sponsor this week. And we'd like to thank them for sponsoring this podcast, our good friends over at Blue Chew. This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew. Let's talk about something we could all use more of right now. Sex, great sex. Guys, now you can

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and they prepare and ship right to you in a discreet package, so there's no more that awkwardness when you're sitting there waiting in line, and let's say hypothetically you went to school with the girl who's a pharmacist now, and she knows, and you know that she knows, and everybody's like, oh, God, I thought Corey was just a fat-balled piece of shit, but turns out is wee-wee-wee has some trouble from time to time. way, that's not necessarily the only reasons that you should do it. You don't have to have a problem down there, but if you could benefit from more confidence where it counts, Blue Chew is the fast and easy way to enhance your performance. And right now, we have a special

deal for our listeners. Visit Bluachu.com and get your first shipment free. God damn, free? It's free. When you use our special promo code, Screen Door, all you have to do is pay $5 shipping for a rock hard wiener. Again, that's BL. uechew.com promo code screen door to try it for free blue chew is the cheaper better and faster choice and we thank them for sponsoring this podcast and remember when you support our sponsors you help make this podcast possible so please be sure to use our promo code screen door at bluechew.com any of you guys that listen to my other podcast the well-read podcast you've heard me go on and on about blue chew and if you have heard this story the very first time I used Blotchew, this is a true story. I didn't tell my wife because I was concerned that it would be the stereotypical thing that you see in romantic comedies or, you know, people make jokes about where like, you know, I tell her I took this thing and then all of a sudden it's, oh what? I'm not attractive to you anymore. You need something to make it work. And that's not

the case. It's just I'm a very stressed out guy and, you know, sometimes I drink too much. So, like, I just want that extra oomph. So I got so much of that extra oomph that after we were done, I roll over, and my wife goes, um, okay, what's going on? And I was like, what do you mean what's going on? And she goes, well, that ain't your dick. And she was right. It was not. It was a Blue Chew-Aided dick. So go to Bluechew.com and use the promo code screen door and get you a new dick. Try it for free. And now Corey Ryan Forster with his new hit, That Ain't His Dick. queen my thighs, Lord ain't this a nice, it fits just like a glove when we find much is this week in Southern history. Actually today in Southern history, if you're listening to this

when it first aired on July 21st, the Scopes trial, aka the State of Tennessee versus John Thomas Scopes, or what it was affectionately referred to by folks who, let's just say, weren't all that excited about the word evolution, the Scopes Monkey Trial finally came to decision. The year was 1925, which of course we all look back on finally as an age of enlightenment in America. Benito Mussolini had just dissolved Italian Parliament proclaiming himself the dictator of Italy. Adolf Hitler publishes Mindcom and the first issue of the New Yorker is published, which many Southerners, including my papal, considered to be the worst of the three events. John Scopes had been accused of violating the Butler Act, which made it illegal in Tennessee

to teach evolution in a school if it was funded by the state. This was passed to prohibit teachers from denying the Bible as the end-all-be-all to man's creation. Ah, yes, a state religion. Surely that's nothing to literally get up in arms about and leave to start your own country. Wait, I feel like I heard that somewhere. Anyways, the trial brought a national frenzy to the small town of Dayton, Tennessee, as famed attorney and three-time presidential candidate William Jennings. Brian argued for the prosecution and the sophisticated country lawyer himself, Clarence Darrow,

argued in favor of Mr. Scopes, and by proxy the goddamn truth. Clarence Darrow, being the 1925 equivalent of what we now refer to as a goddamn G, called a play straight out of left field, and on the seventh day of the trial, you know, the day when God would have been resting, he called William Jennings Bryan to the stand as a witness, to help prove his point that the Bible, much like Mother Goose, was not science. In one line of questioning, Darrow cited the book of Genesis and the story of Adam and Eve as means to point out how utterly ridiculous it would be for people to believe that an entire generation of people could sprout from only one mother and one father.

He then presumably realized that he was in Dayton, Tennessee, and sort of let that one go. On the final day of the trial, July 21st, 1925, Scopes was found guilty of what I assumed many called witchcraft or thinking like some sort of queer and find $100, which in today's money due to inflation or the evolution of our economy amounts to $1,500. William Jennings Bryan died five days after the trial concluded. God could not be reached for testimony. So that was this week in Southern history. Corey, the guy who is arguing for God is the one who died.

And the irony is not lost on you, I bet. No, not at all. Williams, Jennings, Brian, of course not. I mean, it's just, it's irony at such a next level that I can. And honestly, you know what? I should have done. I should have read into like how he died. I just remember when I was reading one story,

it was like he just mysteriously died five days later, which is also how his God, those are the ways in which he works. So I guess it kind of does check out. But yeah, that definitely, I would never wish ill on anyone, even people that wish ill on me. But I just have to know that Mr. Scopes, whenever he got the news, was just like, you know what? That's about fucking right.

That's what you get. That must have been a very unpopular stand of take that the Bible was not science. What do you think kept people from seeing this? that in the great state of Tennessee in those years. Yeah, man, with a guy like Clarence Darrow, he's somebody that, and, you know, I only, like in order to write this story, I just wanted a couple key facts just to support my narrative, because I'm a liberal, so that's what I do. I just pick and choose and go, this will be a good little fucking story.

I'll write this, but I kind of, after I wrote it, I was like, I need to go back and really researched Clarence Darrow because there's part of me that's, that's very curious because he, he was a Southern lawyer, you know, Southern guy himself and a Southern, guy in that time. And I know that it's like, it's very shitty of me just to assume like, well, if you were from the South and lived back then, you must have believed this. Because like in my experience, even though I'm a Southern person who lives in the South now and doesn't believe that, to me for some reason I want to believe like, oh yeah, we just got here. You know what I'm saying? Like we just evolved as a species and there's only like, you know, 30% of us that actually feel this way. But back

then they were all just fucking stupid troglodytide assholes. But there is part of me that is kind of curious if Clarence Darrow actually believed in the Bible and believed all that stuff, but at the same time I was like, I'm a defense attorney. That doesn't fucking matter. You know what I mean? It's not about what I believe. Like I guarantee Johnny Cochran knew that OJ killed that bitch. You what I'm saying? But those guys that they do their job. So there's part of me that's, I'm sure there's a bunch of people listening like, really? You don't know shit about Clarence Darrow. I would kind of be interested to read about that because it wouldn't shock me if he was like it used to be a preacher. As our good friend, Mike would know.

You have to be soulless sometimes to be a lawyer, right? Absolutely. That's Mike our gimmick attorney at gimmick attorney.com. Am I correct? Free plug? That is absolutely correct. And the Scopes Monkey Trial, that's such a funny name because it sounds like, you know, it sounds like Bobo was up on the stand. you know, he tried for something.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. We saw you with your symbols. Right, but like, and it's, and that's one of those, that's one of those, I got you, didn't it? I got you. Don't you, hey, don't you dare mute when you're laughing. We don't have a, like the audience won't know if I made you laugh. If you mute yourself, you fat fuck.

By the way, can I tell you something real quick? Anybody that listens to my other podcast, where we're a podcast, you have no idea how happy it, it, it, makes me to not be the fattest person on my podcast. This is unbelievable. I haven't experienced this in four fucking years. Well, I've been watching you closely, Corey, and that could change. Oh, it's coming. I mean, that's the thing. You've got like, what, 10 years on me? About, about 10 years. Yeah, and about 10 years worth a good fat and, you know, like, listen, I'm on the past, honest to God, I'm on the path to pass you. Like, like, you're the Jack Nicholas of fat. I'm

Tiger Woods. And it's like, yeah, sure, I don't have as many majors as you right now, but look at how old I am and how much longer I have to play. I'm probably going to get there. But the scopes monkey trout, like them calling it that was like just such a clear, like smear. I mean, and again, this is coming from someone who researched this for two seconds so I could write a story that I'm very proud of. It's like the Chinese flu. It's like the Chinese flu or it's like, in my opinion, now this may have been our fault as as liberals, but like I always felt like if it was us that came out of the gate calling it global warming instead of climate change, that was such a dumb fucking thing to do because like it immediately opened it up to where people can be like, oh, well, it's January and it's cold, so therefore global warming don't exist.

And with the Scopes Monkey trial, it's so clearly they can be like, what? Y'all think we came from monkeys? And then like, dude, I still hear people to this day say the, the, the, the stereotypical, well, if we came from monkeys, then why is there still monkeys? Explain to me that one, Mr. Liberal Smart or Funny Man. It's like they didn't say, we have a common ancestor. God fucking damn it. Why can't we just know that these people are fucking stupid when we start to name a thing

and name it accordingly? We can't ever do that. Hello, and welcome to Dipshit of the Week. In this segment, we will tell you who our Dipshit of the Week is and tell you what they did this week that was so. A dip shitty. This week's DSOTW is none other than Tucker Carlson, a true blue-chip prospect and overall five-tool dip shit. Whether he is denying Sandy Hook, jacking off Donald Trump, or getting his shit pushed in by John Stewart on national TV, Tucker never fails to act like the sentient green and pink bow tie on its way to the douchebag ball that he truly is.

This week, Tucker's head writer was let go after it was reported that he had been posting racist remarks on. online. Well, god damn, can a guy get some practice in for his job? Come on. Don't worry, though. The My Pillow guy, yes, the guy who invented the My Pillow, which seems to be, as far as I can tell, a pillow, came to Carlson's defense when he said that Carlson shouldn't have to apologize for something someone else had said. And, and honestly, I agree with that. The only thing I'm not quite sure about is, uh, who the fuck asked the My Pillow guy? Because, you know, aside from that, I mean, yeah, I totally agree. After these reports came out, Tucker announced that he was taking a long and planned vacation.

And, well, I speak for everyone here at Through the Screen Door with Corey Ryan Forster podcast when I say, have a good vacation, Tucker, you deserve it. I know that it must be exhausting, waking up every day and looking for reasons that you and people like you are the true victims. This podcast is brought to you by Memaw Selt. Meem also, it's blue, it's white, there's barely any of it, and it'll leave your hands drier than a lizard's ding-dong in the Arizona desert. Meem also, there's only a sliver, but it sure will deliver, and get them hands clean after onion and liver. Meem also, from the people that brought you leftover green beans in a cool whip tub. Memo, so, y'all come back now.

The Green Lantern, we both watched it. I don't know, we might just watch all bad superhero movies because I had a good time watching it. Corey, what are your first thoughts about this great film with Mr. Ryan Reynolds? Well, I wanted to say, I'm kind of going to mirror what you just said, and I will be, I'll give everybody a peek behind the curtain here for a second. We initially wanted to watch Battlefield Earth as our first. Oh, you're going to tell them this. I'm going to tell them this because we're not going to do the thing that we decided not to do anyway.

It's fine to tell them why we did it, why we didn't do it. Like we were going to watch Battlefield Earth, which is like a comically shitty movie, and I rented it, was going to do that. And then I started to watch it. And then Kuhn texted me. And you told me that Kelly Preston had just died. And that's John Travolta's wife. And you were just like, man, as shitty as that movie is,

I definitely don't think that we should open up with shitting on John Travolta. right and I agree with that like that's 100% true but God rest or so it was a blessing in disguise in a way because let me explain something to you I watched 10 minutes of battlefield earth and had to go okay I'll just I'll just finish this later and I'm so glad that we didn't have to do it I'm not glad at the circumstances is why we didn't have to do it but I'll say that in contrast to this you're saying it wasn't worth Kelly Preston dying it was not no no no no no no no I wish to I wish that she was still alive but you know, silver lining.

What I'm saying is that Battlefield Earth was so goddamn, and I've only seen 10 minutes of Battlefield Earth, the Battlefield Earth was so goddamn bad. I had to turn it off within 10 minutes and go, I had to take a breath. I almost started smoking again. But with Green Lantern, even though, like, yes, it's not a good movie.

And maybe this is just because I'm a huge superhero fan and I'm a huge comic book fan. And like, when you're a huge comic book fan, and also, not for nothing, a wrestling fan. and I feel like wrestling fans and comic book fans, there's a lot of overlap in that. And I think that we are just willing to buy certain things that maybe other people wouldn't buy

if it's within the world of like, yeah, but they're superheroes, so fuck you. I don't know what to tell you. So like, even though, yeah, man, I would have done a lot of shit different, not that anybody in Hollywood's asking me to, but like I still kind of had fun watching it, if that makes sense.

It does. And just a quick calculation for those of you have not watched Greenland, intern. Hal Jordan as a young boy makes eye contact with his father right before he's blown into pieces. He becomes a test pilot, along with two of his childhood friends who were in the same scene, end up being main characters in the movie. There's something unrelated that happens on a far planet. He finds the ring. He turns into Green Lantern. He has a complicated relationship with the girl. The other child that grew up becomes the villain, and he's Green Lantern. Did I miss anything?

No, you didn't miss anything. I've got a couple, we'll fill in some gaps here. I'd like to say off top, in the opening, in the opening scene, like after they show how Jordan's father exploding right in front of him, the graphics, like, I thought like, okay, well, Green Lantern's going to be, it's just a shit story. But like, other than that, it's D.C. I'm sure that they nailed it. Like, even though this, like, this was, it's not like this was 20 fucking years.

years ago. But dude, the graphics in this movie literally look like a Power Rangers movie from like 95. Like it lit like when I when it first came on. The literal first thing I thought of was Dr. Ouse. Was it Dr. Ivan Ouse from Power Rangers? It's like, God damn, these graphics are so shitty. It's like they wrote the story and had like three months to get it out. And they were like, oh, let's get Matt Coon to edit it. Like I don't know we don't have anybody. It was it was. It was like a movie set to a Zoom background. It really was. It really was. And also to note

what you were saying about the two main characters being as, you know, best friends and they're there for the explosion, they really did a poor job of setting that up, in my opinion. Like it happened. And then like they're fucking, she's all hot and looks like she would be

someone related to Ryan Reynolds. And then the other dude looks like, I mean, I'm like, look, I went bald at 22, 23. I'm not saying it can't happen. I'm just saying if you're going to ask an audience to buy this shit, that motherfucker, he looked 20 years older than everybody. Am I wrong? Well, let's get to our list. What makes this movie bad? I mean, honestly, to me, what makes the movie bad is twofold. It's a, it was the graphics and the CGI in a time that we were made like Avatar had already come out and I think when this movie came out. So like we as an audience like if you if you are a type of person that's going to see Green Lantern,

you probably also saw Iron Man. You probably also saw Avatar. You probably also saw a lot of these movies that they were just absolutely crushing in. So you're going to go and expecting that. And it just was like dude the first fuck it like the first time we see aliens they literally it was like, oh those are the Mars attacks aliens. They look like the Mars attacks aliens and they're just like, burping fire on all these like military ET looking sons of bitches like like I didn't I wouldn't

buy none of it like when Marvel when Marvel makes crazy purple but like they I can't explain this but they do it in a way that like yes I know this is fake but also it looks exactly how that fake should look like this just this just absolutely didn't do it and the second reason that this is a bad movie is strictly from what I was saying when ever the origin happened way too quick the the origin story that they get out of the way, way too quick. Now, I think that there is a lot, I can defend them a little bit by saying

a huge criticism from a lot of fans in comic book movies is like, hey, look, we all know the goddamn origin story, just get into it. Like if you spend the entire movie doing the origin story, then you better hope that there's, and that's why like, for a very long time, that's why Spider-Man 2 is considered better than Spider-Man. one because it didn't have to waste any time with the origin.

Here's the deal, though. Green Lantern is not a Superman-Spoterman-type character. Most people actually don't fucking know what this origin story is. And if you're going to just quick-sell it like that, then you can't expect me to three scenes later see this girl and go, oh, right, they have a wish-y-washy relationship because they were actually friends when they were kids. And it was like there was barely a first second.

and third act. It was like there was a first and a half act that got over with really quickly. And then the villains all died way too easy coming from this dude who like, he had one training course with a fucking like a pig giant alien. And now all of a sudden he's just going to whoop the parcells or whatever the parlax his ass. Like the most badass thing, like Sinestro can't even take this motherfucker down. But this goddamn asshole is just going to be like, yeah, I mean, you know, I'm a pilot and I'm kind of a maverick, but like I'll punch him with a ring. I think they hurried too much. I didn't see a clear, like from, I can't remember what the senator's son who ends up looking like fucking Eric Stoltz from the mask.

That's another criticism I have. He literally looked just like Eric Stoltz from the mask whenever he got that alien symbiote that went into him. How the fuck did no one that was in the middle of directing or whatever not look at that and go, yeah, this is Eric Stoltz from Mask? Like he looks just fucking like him. So you don't, like, his only motivations you ever see or, oh, my dad, he's a senator, and I can read minds now. And he called me an embarrassment once in my brain. But like, I don't really get his motivations.

Basically, it's a bad movie because they don't take enough time developing any of the characters or developing any of the stories and the two main villains in it were just way too easily murdered. And I also would like to make a side note when we first see Ryan Reynolds, like, realized, like I'm Green Lantern, like he starts getting the transformation. He, his eyes, he has these fucking cow ripkin eyes that just, I mean, it's hard, it's hard not to fucking just still sit there and watch that dude for two hours suck. You know what I mean? Like, God, damn, son.

What a hard-bodied vascular son of a bitch with Pearson, baby green, son of a bitch, dude. So I think we know what the answer is to the next question. which we're going to do every single week on Corey reviews, is what is something redeeming? And you think his, what's redeeming about this movie is our eyes that could play 2131 straight games? That's hilarious. I think, I think that what's redeeming about this movie

is that it wasn't ever boring. It was kind of redeeming because I wasn't mad. When I got done watching it, I was not like, oh, two hours of my life. on. As much as I hated the CGI outfit and stuff, like it was still colorful and fun and they're still part. Like, obviously, I'm a superhero comic book fan. So like colors and vibrant stuff and fun is still often as important to me as, I mean, I still want and need a good story. But if you've got the fun and the explosions and the fast-paced stuff, I'm still going to sit there.

You know, there were no lulls, I guess. There was literally not one. time where I was like, where the fuck are they going with this? I always knew where they were going. It was a goddamn dead end, but I still knew where they were going and it was fast-paced and colorful. And also, I mean, Ryan Reynolds and Blake Livey are fucking hot, man. Like, they're like, I don't want to sound like a, like a sexist or a, what's the word? Massa. Yeah, or whatever the fuck. They're just a pig. But like, but I'm saying, about Ryan Reynolds too. Not just heard they're good looking people to watch like there's a reason why there was a lot of movies in the 30s that Humphrey Bogart made that might have sucked but he looked real good. So people were like well, best we got. So we're going to fucking watch that. You know, they had to make them both even better. Like Ryan Reynolds is such a maverick. He will cost the military millions of dollars to be right. And she's not only a brilliant test pilot, but she prefers and enjoys running the entire business of the private plane company. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. Corey, you've answered this question, I think.

Is it so good, it's bad? That's a resounding yes from you, right? Yeah, oh, yeah. Is it so bad it's good? Yeah, I think so. And do you have a favorite line or moment or memory of this movie that you can use to perhaps best represent your feelings about it? I mean, honest to God, dude, like my favorite moment,

just because it's the one that, like, I literally laughed out loud by myself. when Hector is his name, Hector, he starts feeling sick because he's got the alien, the yellow alien symbiote in him and he's about to start going through the change. The second that he fucking turned around

and I realized that it was just fucking Eric Stoltz with elephant man syndrome and nobody caught that. I laughed so goddamn. And also literally right after that, right after that, when he's uh they go in Angela Bassett hilarious Angela Bassett I was going to mention that the Angela Bassett run in is one of those things where literally I'm watching by myself and I may have said out

loud is that fucking Angela Bassett that's what I'm saying it's so it's so funny because like like so many there was a lot of actors like Tim Robbins was in there but Tim Robbins for some reason it wasn't like oh shit is that Tim Robbins like I you know whatever but when I saw Angela Bassett I almost halfway expected her to be playing Angela Bassett for some reason And I was like, oh, he's Angela Bassett. And you were not disappointed. No, hell no. Hell no.

I wasn't at all. So, but when after he becomes Eric Stolt's mask, Morty, or whatever he is, he, they go get him. And like, none of them at all, until he sees his dad, no one is taken back at all by the fact that he now has a pumpkin on his fucking forehead. They're just like, so are you ready to go do your science? And he's just like, I've never felt better that I feel at this moment. And they're like, good. Anyway, so our contract is with the, da-da-da. And they just keep dragging him through.

Like, no one's like, hey, man, do you think we should give this guy a fucking cat scan or something? His brain seems to be like out there. You know what I mean? Like, it seems like his brain ain't how it or not or be. Yeah, no one said, you know, no offense, son, but you're looking a little bit like John Merrick, you know, the element. No, no one said a goddamn word until he sees his dad and he's like, oh, shit. My favorite line was at the beginning when the dad throws the jacket to the kid.

Me and Joe Greens him. He says, keep it warm for me. And I'm thinking of myself, that motherfucker's died. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, you have totally just prophesized this moment

for me. I mean, we all have to assume it's a superhero movie. All his parents can't live. You know, like, in order for you to be a superhero, you must be an orphan, but like, keep it warm for me, kid.

Like, he just, like, all he had to do was hand him a fucking glass bottle of coke after that just to really bring it full circle. And so it's not all bad news. We enjoyed it. You're so right. It wasn't like what I was dreading, which is like sitting watching a dreadful movie. It was fun. It was interesting.

And speaking of good things, Bright spot of the week. Bright spot of the week. Bright spot of the week. Everything is not fucked. This week's bright spot of the week will be a little more self-serving and sappy than the rest will be going forward, which I mean, that's real smart. And it introduces a segment on the first podcast and then immediately admit that it will be

different going forward. I'm a genius. But my bright spot of this week is, well, this podcast and all of you who have already subscribed, downloaded, and listened. These past few months have been hard on everyone, no matter who you are. And honestly, I've been very fortunate. I've had plenty of work to hold me over that I can do while sitting at home. and for the first time in my marriage

I've actually gotten to be like a husband and shit which is weird. It's super weird. But I have desperately needed to stretch my creative legs even more so than I already am in order to fill the void that is usually filled by going on tour and performing in front of a live audience and meeting people and, you know, so on and so forth. So thank you for listening

and making this a worthwhile endeavor for me. I hope that you continue to listen. hope you give feedback and let me know what you'd like to hear on this podcast. My other podcast, the well-read podcast, is certainly different now than it was nearly 200 episodes ago. And obviously, for the better, in my opinion, and that was due to constantly evolving and tweaking, which means that it is very possible that by January, this podcast will sound a lot different than it did today. And it is my goal for that to be a good thing. Ski-you.

This podcast is brought to you in part by... my new special, Corey Ryan Forster, live at the Bijou. Here's a clip from the special where I talk about Civil War reenactments in my hometown of Chickamauga, Georgia. Hope you enjoy. One of my favorite parts about the Civil War reenactment is just how committed to the bit these reenactors are. They are so committed to that, like, that is Colonel Johnson all goddamn weekend. You know what I'm saying? That ain't P. Paul no more.

That's Colonel Johnson. Like, if you're out there and you're like me and you were bummed out when Daniel Day Lewis decided to call it quits after phantom thread because you're truly going to miss the commitment to the thespian craft that he brought day in and day out well no further than chickamauga georgia on war between the states days where these reenactors are truly putting the meth in method acting it is unlike anything you've ever seen they do they they committed the bit so hard you can't even pump gas in my hometown of chickamauga georgia on war between the states days but having some dude in a full bird Confederate uniform holding a musket

walking past you while you're pumping gas just going, huh, what prey tell is that strange liquid you're putting in that hoistless carriage. I have never seen such a thing in all my Dave. I'm like, Bill, this is your fucking gas station, dude.

You know what I'm saying? Like, you took the day off to be racist. Man, the credit card machine, I've got shit to do. I'd love to go down the street. can get a barbecue sandwich. We only live on one road and both sides are blocked off with a goddamn cannon. There are several easy ways for you to pick up Corey Ryan Forster live from the Biju. You can PayPal Buttercream Corey at gmail.com and just PayPal whatever amount you want.

I'm trying to do this to where everyone can afford it in these weird times. There's no amount that will offend me. There's also no amount too much. But like I said, I want everybody to be able to afford it. if you can't afford to pay anything, please also just email me at buttercream corey, or excuse me, email buttercream Corey at gmail.com and we'll get you taken care of. This will also be available on gumroad.com. I will share that link in the podcast description and as well over on gumroad.com.

It will be a pay whatever you want situation. So I hope you enjoy it and I love you guys. Now back to this podcast through the screen door with Corey Ryan Forster. That's me. Skew. All right. We've had a fun show, but a lot of people, Corey, especially recently, want to hear from the Buttercream Dream.

What are the chances? Oh, that guy. All that guy. Get a hold of that fellow right there. He seems to have taken the world by storm. Yeah, I don't think it'll be hard to wrangle that guy up. He's usually always just sitting out in the, uh, in the, uh, in the, garage of the porch with the belt over his shoulder ready to snap at any time.

Well, let's see if we can wake him up. And now, a moment with the buttercream dream. Goya beans. Listen here real quick, you soggy stomach turning insupportable scurvy of the supermarket aisle. The buttercream dream wants you to know that if you are going to bend over backwards to support a man who hasn't had a bean since he pretended to eat a bowl of chili during a campaign stop at a union hall in Paducah, Kentucky, then I am through putting your sloppy, sorghum-looking succotash anywhere near my supple and savory, sensational lips. I just as soon eat a sloppy Joe out of Mike Pence's mama's booty hole, then give another hard-earned dollar to a brazenly boot-licking bumble-fuck dip shit company like yours. So this week, I'm challenging you to a loser eats a can of dog food

match, which really ain't fair on account of that's what you've been serving for years. Well, the buttercream dream always has a lot to say, Corey, today was no exception. Absolutely not, man. That guy's, uh, he's full of fury. He's full of life. He's full of beans. Well, we've, we certainly is. We've learned a lot today, Corey, on our debut episode of Through the Screen Door.

Of course, make sure to subscribe. Give us a five-star review, especially today and tell all your friends about it. Make sure to go to our Patreon. on patreon.com slash screen door for tons of bonus footage, including this week, an extended conversation of why we might have theories on the Queen movie and the Elton John movie. Corey, what have we learned today, if anything? Well, you know, I think that I personally have learned regarding Green Lantern that you shouldn't judge.

I don't want to say a book by its cover, but like, you know, I think that critics were a little harsh on it. So I think you should go into everything with maybe a more open mind. I think we've learned that I can talk way too long about my opinions on superhero movies, much like a python unhinging their jaw to eat an antelope. And I think we've learned that me and you have a really good time talking together. And I look forward to doing this next week and every week until one of us inevitably eats that final cheeseburger in the sky. Well, I'm looking forward to it to please make sure to let us know what you think. I'm on Twitter at Matt Coon Music.

Corey, you're at Corey R. Forrester. Is that correct? You are correct, sir. So make sure to reach out on there. Corey and I have no life at all. So we will answer every single person, hopefully. Absolutely. And I would also like to throw this out there.

If you have a shit movie or a movie that you consider shit that you would like me and Mr. Matt Coon to watch. Just go ahead and tweet that at both of us. You just do hashtag screen door, I guess, if that's what you want to do. As long as you tweeted at us, we will see it. Also, I'm having a really good time writing these this week in Southern history. If some story you know of in Southern history is about to come up

and you think it's worthy of being covered in these three to four minute, Well, I say that. Next week's I've already written it. It's seven and a half minutes long because I had such a goddamn good time writing it. If you have an idea that you think you'd like to be covered, shoot it to me. And I'll definitely take into consideration or probably hell just do a goddamn bonus one. Who knows? I'm wild as shit.

So I want this to be a very interactive podcast with the fans. If you guys, I don't even have to ask you if you don't like something, tell me, because that's what the Internet's literally the best at. You never have to be like, hey, guys, please, critique me like that just comes completely unwarranted. If you could be so troubled as to micro manage your criticism, I'd appreciate that. If you could be so troubled. Yeah.

And as Kuntz said, over on our Patreon, we've got bonus stuff. And I believe, tell me if I'm wrong, add free shows. Add free shows. We also want to reach out to you. The Dipsion of the Week, I think, is a segment we're going to do every week. And Corey goes through a wide. Corey spends more time on dipship the week than anything. He really goes through a wide variety of people, and he decides.

So please let us know who you think should be the dipship of the week. And Corey will unbiasedly and very thoroughly pick who he thinks should be the dipsion of that week, correct? Absolutely. And same goes for bright spot of the week. If you see something out there that really warms your heart that makes you feel nice and velvety in this just never-ending hellscape that we find ourselves having to navigate through, go ahead and send that to us. If for anything, it will make us feel better and you'll get a better show because we're in a good mood.

Well, thanks, guys. It's been a ride. We are learning as we go, and we're going to keep trying to bring you the best show we possibly can. And we're going to close out today's show with a little something that Corey likes to call. Rednecks Reading Movie Monologues. Through the Screen Door podcast is proud to present

our first of many recurring segments focusing on art, culture, and high society. We bring you Rednecks Reading Famous Movie Monologues. Our first installment comes from the movie Goodwill Hunting, the famous bench scene delivered by Robin Williams' character Sean McGuire, as performed by your cousin Jimmy,

who coaches his stepson's little league baseball team. If I asked you about arts, you'd probably give me the skinny on every single art book ever written, wouldn't you? Yeah, Michelangelo. Know a lot about him, don't you? Whole life's work. Political aspirations, sexual orientation,

him and the Pope, all that shit. I bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel, boy. What it's like to stand there in that beautiful building just looking up at that ceiling. If I asked you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites. Hell, you might even had your dick sucked once or twice, but you can't tell me what it feels like

to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. Yeah, you're tough, kid. I ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me. Once more into the breach, dear friends. But you ain't never been near one, pussy. You ain't ever held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him gasp his last breath looking to you for help.

If I asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you ain't ever looked at a woman and felt totally vulnerable. just knowing that someone could level you with their eyes. Just feeling like God put an angel on this earth just for you who could rescue you from the depths of hell, boy. You wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel and to have that love for her to be there forever through anything, through cancer. No, you wouldn't know about sleeping,

sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand because the doctor could see in your eyes that the term visiting hours do not apply to you. No, you don't know about real loss, boy. Because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself, and I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. I look at you, I don't see an intelligent, confident, man, I see a cocky, scared, shitless kid, but you're a genius, well.

No one knives out. No one could possibly understand the depths of you, but you presume to know everything. About me, because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan, right? Do you think I'd know the first fucking thing about your life and how hard it's been and how you feel or who you are? Because I read Oliver fucking twist. Does that encapsulate you?

Well, personally, I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what? I can't learn anything from you that I can't read in some fucking book, unless you want to talk about you, who you are. And I'm in. but you don't want to do that, do you sport? Mm-mm. Because you are terrified of what you might say. Your move, Chief. Family feast.

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