wellRED podcast - WellRED Revisited: Les garçons Odeur leurs propres Farts

Episode Date: May 24, 2023

This classic  episode starts with a conversation about the science behind enjoying your own farts (or at least being curious about them). This tailspins into a conversation about going broke because of stupid financial decisions directly related to the deep seated insecurities of being perceived as a poor dumb southerner (this is where we figuratively smell our own farts.  Drew shares a story about working out in an exercise class provided by the hotel, Corey gets roasted for being the fat clumsy dumb fuck you all know and love, and the Bob Seger Vs. Foreigner debate is revisited.    Other topics include fancy shoes, boots, and purses, taboo words being used in cinema, and drinking Al Gore's Whiskey     Check out all the shows in the Skewniverse: Puttin’ On Airs, Gravy Baby, Weekly Skeews   For bonus Trae go to patreon.com/TraeCrowder   For Bonus Corey go to PartTimeFunnyMan.com   watch Drew’s mini special Tennessee’s A Drag on his YouTube channel! 

And we thank them for sponsoring the show. Well, no, I'll just go ahead. I mean, look, I'm money dumb. Y'all know that. I've been money dumb ever, since ever, my whole life. And the modern world makes it even harder to not be money dumb, in my opinion, because used to you, you like had to write down everything you spent or you wouldn't know nothing. But now you got apps and stuff on your phone.

It's just like you can just, it makes it easier to lose count of, well, your count, the count every month, how much you're spending. A lot of people don't even know how much they spend on a per month basis. I'm not going to lie. I can be one of those people. Like, let me ask you right now, skewers out, whatnot, sorry, well-read people, people across the skewniverse, I should say. Do you even know how many subscriptions

that you actively pay for every month or every year? Do you even know? Do you know how much you spend on takeout or delivery, getting a paid chauffeur for your chicken low main? Because that's the thing that we do in this society. Do you know how much you spend on that? It's probably more than you think. But now there's an app designed to help you manage your money better

and it's called Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money shows all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you already forgot about. If you see a subscription, you don't want anymore,

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Premium features. I used Rocket Money and realized that I had apparently been paying for two different language learning services that I just wasn't using. So I was probably like, I should know Spanish. I'll learn Spanish. and I've just been paying to learn Spanish without practicing any Spanish for, you know, pertinent two years now or something like that.

Also, a fun one, I'd said it before, but I got an app, lovely little app where you could, you know, put your friend's faces onto funny reaction gifts and stuff like that. So obviously I got it so I could put Corey's face on those two, those two like twins from the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movies. You know, those weren't a little like the Q-ball-looking twin fellas.

Yeah. So that was money. What was that in response to? What was that a reply gift for? Just when I did something stupid. Something fat, I think, and stupid. Something both fat and stupid. But anyway, that was money well spent at first.

But then I quit using it and was still paying for it and forgotten. If it wasn't for Rocket Money, I never would have even figured it out. So shout out to them. They help. If you're money dumb like me, Rocket Money can help. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.

dot com slash well read today that's rocket money.com slash well r e d rocketmoney.com slash well read and we thank them for sponsoring this episode of the podcast. Hey everybody. It's your boy. Corey Ryan Forster here. Big thanks to everybody who came and sold out the Bijou in Knoxville and then turned right around and sold out two shows at the Orange Peel and Asheville, North. Carolina. We were informed that we have now sold out nine shows in a row in Asheville, which is super cool. So big thanks to all our friends and family there. We love y'all. We had a long and insanely awesome weekend, but because of that and a couple travel schedules, we were not

be a, we, Jesus, I can't even talk still. I'm serious. Like, we had so much fun and had some long nights and long meet and greets and we're just we can't do it this week y'all drew's out of town i'm pooped there's some scheduling stuff so we're going to do a classic episode this week but before we get to that i do want to say you can still see more from us go to patreon dot com slash tray crow crowder for his bonus stuff also listen to me and tray's new podcast putting on air it's not really new it's a year old at this point but it's still the newest podcast i do putting on airs it's great it is where two hillbilly dumbs, me and Trey, talk about fancy stuff like, you know, the king and queen and European history and yada. We make fun of it.

It's fun. It's great. Also, you can subscribe to part-time funnyman.com. That is bonus stuff from me. If you can't afford it, I would really love it if you paid the $5 a month. But if you can't afford it, you will be able to get everything completely free. Uh, it's kind of like, uh, you know, how, how the world, uh, could work, you know, I guess. We got to help each other out. So if you can't afford it, don't worry about it. If you can,

it's $5 a month. Uh, and also all that we know, I do tons of stuff over there, essays, uh, poetry. I do bonus podcasts, bonus videos. I've got several series going on right now. You can always make a one-time donation to the show, PBS style, uh, by using PayPal and typing in, Buttercream Corey at gmail.com. Also check out Gravy Baby. That is Drew's new podcast with DJ, DJ Lewis and Carmen Morales. And he also has a new YouTube special, a short special called Tennessee's a drag. And I think you get what that's about from the title.

It is very, very awesome. And we appreciate y'all supporting us and everything that we do, enjoy this class. Classic episode where we break down the science of why we enjoy our farts. All right. Love y'all. Parttime Funnyman.com. Trey Crowder.com. Gravy, baby.

All that good stuff. Love you. See ya. They're the liberal rednecks. They like cornbread, but sex. They care way too much, but don't give a fun. They're the liberal rednecks that may. Some people upset

They got Three big old dicks That you can suck Ooh Appropriate Oh long You kiss my fart You kiss my fart

Damn Excuse me while I kissed this fart Damn Give me one try That didn't hit No that didn't hit Try one more But I believe you

You want me to fart again? I mean yeah That would actually hit. It can't be any worse than it is right now. I really don't smell it. I mean, and I usually do. Yeah, but don't you're... Oh, there it is.

Ooh, that ain't good. Do you know the science behind why... Fart stinking? No. I get all that. But why yours hit for you? It's not endorphins. What's the things that...

Pharamone? Yes. Okay. But I should say I learned that at a one-man show put on by Sean, what's his name from New Orleans? Patton? Patton. Patten? Oh, nice.

So I don't know. Because I know... I wouldn't say that my farts hit for me. They don't bother you as much as they... Of course not, yeah. Well, that's in this, what I'm posing. That's what I mean.

By it, yours don't hurt your feelings as much as Drew's do. It reminds me of a funny and very racist Sarah Silverman joke where she was like talking about offending people and how she doesn't mean to or whatever. But she was like, that is one joke where I talked about Mexican stinking. and after my show this young Mexican girl came up to him. It was like, I'm Mexican and I don't stink.

And I just had to tell it. It's like, oh, honey, you can't smell yourself. But like, so Sean Patton claims, and he had this woman show that he took to the French Festival, and it was about Hurricane Katrina. His mom was a nurse, and they couldn't get a hold of her for a long time. And his dad, who's like the strongest person he knew and always a good time. it sounds like a real choe C-H-E-A-U-X

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what they're And his dad has this thing that they've done And this was a running through line Through his one-man show His dad would, no, he would fart And he would go, Ow, ow, ow, oh! And if you were one of his kids,

you were supposed to do it back. And if you fart, yeah, out, out, ooh, and if you could fart, that's a double hit, yeah. And it was like there calling card. Well, I've got a new thing, yeah. According to Sean, your body, and I know this part is true,

you do have pheromones in that general area and when you fart some of them come out and that's how he claimed it back before we was civilized that was one way to keep your tribe together that was okay that's interesting I've never heard that part but I've also read we may have talked about this we may have not

and this doesn't necessarily pertain to like it hitting for you because sometimes I'll fart one I'm like yeah that's what's up yeah it's more like bake beans but like so what I heard was your so your body and this is all like this is all subconscious shit.

Like you're not actually knowing that you're doing this, but it happens this way. Like you ever, this happens to me a lot. Me and my sister discovered this when we were probably like, I'd say I was eight and she was six. She came up with it. She was like, it's called a you fin to be sick fart. You can smell you.

You were sick? Yes. And so recently I've looked that up and like apparently your body, when you fart and you smell it, why you're so kind of obsessed with like wanting to smell it at first is that it's an unconscious thing of like, we we can tell our body can tell a lot about us from how our fart smells and like i don't know i'm about to get sick if my fart smells a certain way i'm like oh here it come you know like that's that's a thing i'm sitting here trying to imagine the person you had in your head that needed

the caveat that all this was subconscious yeah right we had a fan out there was like so people just be doing this writing it down what i'm saying is like it's not like you it's not like you're sitting there farting and going and then like going hmm notes of you know you know fucking E. coli or whatever. Like, your body just... You do be doing that. Yeah, yeah, but like, your body just knows what to do with that information. What does it do with it?

I don't know. It's more like, yo, I need to eat grapes. I guess. I have farted and crave grapes before. Yeah, so I'm saying. Like, he farting or was like, oh, that didn't hit. I better go have a salad. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Uh-huh. There's something to it. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm not going to... I obviously can't refute it. Nice road, by the way. Yeah, thank you.

I got my Gucci's on. Yeah, you do. My bath row. You're hitting real hard for me right now. Yeah. It's also cognate. It's not. No, it's something from the mini bar, rock and rye.

You got so excited. How is that rocking rye? Rye whiskey, don't hit for me. I'll try it. I don't hit. Anyway, these go too slides. There's only one type I like, and I can't remember what it is. That's what happened.

It tastes like a whistle pig. That's right. I like that. Don't they have the whistle pig bourbon? That's not rye. The one we had was rye and it was great. The one that Al Gore provided. Yeah, the one.

Yeah. Yeah, and I'll be honest with... That we smashed, like, two frat boys on my back stoop. It was just, like, $300 bottle of, like, sipping whiskey. And me and Coritz went out back and just talked about how much our wives don't hit, fucking smoking a pack of cigarettes, just passing the bottle back and forth. Like, oh, shit, hips. It did hit.

You preemptively saved me, and I wasn't even really making fun of me. I was just going to like, okay, so you got the Gucci, the robe, you're talking about $300 liquors. And then before I could even get the story up, I mean, we just smoked cigarettes to talk about how our wives don't hit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, let's bury a lot of the pretension. Yeah, ain't shit changed.

No. And it changed, the more, stay the same. I had got, me and Corey bought this identical pair of, are they Jordan slides? Yeah, they were Jordan slides. They don't help for you. They did hit it first, but they quickly stopped hitting because they got like, they got like gross feeling. Like goofy. It was like, yeah.

That's how I felt walking in them. And they got dirty as fuck. Yeah, it didn't. They were white bottom. whatever. Yeah, why did you do that? They hit. Yeah.

And, you know, fuck it. I got a couple months out of them. So, we got them half off anyway. I told, I was walking the boys of school, like last week, and I was about to head out the door and I put those slides on. And, like, every time I put them on lately, I was like, ah, he's just don't hit for me no more. And I'm, like, Katie, give me some new slides.

She was like, what? And I was like, yeah, Gucci's. And I just closed the door. Just trying to hit. Yeah, just trying to hit. And three days later, a box. She didn't even tell you that she did. Three days later, Gucci slides showed up at my house.

Her ADD-D-S forgot. Dude, it's like, too. She was also like, oh, yeah. I think she went and did it immediately. Yeah, I forgot she had done it. But let me tell her to run the dishwasher or something like that. That don't cost $350. Exactly.

But spending money, she on it. Yeah. That's all you had to say. You and her are both so raven in that story because she did what you just said, and that is Super Raven. Also, she did exactly what you asked her to when you said it, and you're still bitching about her. Yeah. Also, did them really cost $350?

Bullshit. They're Gucci slices, dog. Yeah, gochy slice. You're fucking with me, right? It's either that or just like, it's either that or get one haircut, Drew, which, what would you do? That lasts a whole fucking ear. These are really $350.

Yeah, dude, they're Gucci's. Lord. I know, right. You'll have them forever. They hit. Yeah, you could have Pissal wig. Pissle wig. Oh, what was a big whiskey?

I thought that was an old. Already really? Do you think they're supposed to be like that? No. No, hell no, you call them. Yeah, yeah. No, you can, for real, you can call them. Right.

Yeah. That's the, that's the one thing I'll say about high-end motherfuckers. Yes. I got them Luckecy boots and they're doing the same thing. And they just hang up on it. They won't, though. Like, if he's really got some, like, the high-end shit, the one thing. I don't think they are fucking up, though, for the record.

I cannot get over. Those were literally $350. It's stupid. I was dumb, but they had. I thought they'd be $100. Because slides are 40. Right. And I was like, all right, you know, it'd be more than double.

You can get these exact ones for 100 in toddler sizes. I almost got bishops on sevens. The little kids version of these, they're 100. No, because, see, look, hold up. I would not actually do that, of course. But I did, Katie showed me these on the website, and they had the kid sizes. And they were like 130 or something like that. These are my slides.

These are my slides are here. Now, his hit harder, and they don't have the Velcro. They're just the, you know. But, yeah, these were. sixty dollars. Yeah, I mean the Adidas ones are 40. And functionally, exactly the same. And I guarantee these motherfuckers will last just as long as those.

But, but, and I cannot stress this enough, they are not Gucci. You know what I'm saying? Dem's Gucci. I don't either. You heard it. I heard how I got them fashion people are. Well, you just don't get it. You heard how I got these, right?

That's just how they do. Like, I did not seek these out. I offhand jokingly threw away. Okay. Give me some goochies. Okay, but getting back to what Corey was just alluding to in the fashion world, I don't get them. If that was $100, I don't either. I would be like, okay, you like nice things, and these costs more, and you also like to spend money.

But $350, I'm like, bruh, get some boots. See, that's my thing. Some good boots. That's my thing, and you know I'm a shoe dude. Like, I fucking love shoes. Right. I'll go on and I'll see like this pair of Yeezies and like I'll see them and they'll fucking hit for me. Some of those are rare.

Right. Everybody that got good. Gucci got them. That's true. And some of them do that shit on purpose. But I'll see a pair of Yeezys for like $1,500. And I'm like, I'm looking at him going like, these do hit and exclusivity is I get it.

Like if you have them on people, be like, oh shit. But like, I do like what I'm wearing to like pop. But I don't care if someone's like, he's got one of five pairs of those. I just think if they look good, they look good. Instead of spending $1,000 on one pair of Yeezysys, bro, I literally could get eight pairs of hitting Jordan ones.

I'd much rather fucking do that. You know what I'm saying? Let me ask you this. When it comes to boots, right? Do you think that... Now I'm about to show my ass. Well, listen. I can't listen.

Do you think that like a $1,500 pair of Luke Casey ostrich boots or whatever cost any more per what they are to make versus the cost of them than these did? Like obviously this cost fucking next to nothing to make and they're 350. But those are $1,500. But do you think the difference between that and 1,500 is that much of a difference than these are? Yes, I do. I probably agree, but I don't think enough to where you can say that's ridiculous, another one. Well, let me say it this way.

I got my Lucchasey's when they was on sale, when they was only $900. That's how much mine was, too. But those will last forever. You can get those fixed. Yeah, Lucchasey's like Gucci in that way. You can send it to them no fix it. But I don't think, like, they might do that for them once. Then went and designed to last forever, because I don't think you have Gucci slides forever,

Even if you keep sending them in, at some point I bet you most people that have Gucci slides don't walk that much. You know what I mean? So those probably do last, you know what I'm saying? They get carried places. Maybe, but I also think sincerely those were made in Indonesia at a slave factory and cost, and I'm not at all exaggerated.

I think those cost a dollar to make. Maybe. And ship. Right, whereas those Lucases, the leather, the way they handmaicrafted. Handcrafted. I would say there's some machine work involved in putting them together, but the leather itself is tanned by hand.

And that's my thing on the fucking yeasies and shit like that too is that because they retail that's the problem, they retail at 100. The only time they ever go to 1500 is because they do that

thing where they make 200 of them, they sell out in the store and then everybody that bought them goes online and sells them and you get them for $15,000, with Luke Casey's, that's the fucking

$900 or $1,000. That's they retail because they were handmade. For the record, and I'm saying this, I guess partially because I feel guilty, but also because This is my attitude about items like that.

I was obsessed with this particular pair of Lucases for over three years. Yeah. When I saw them on sale. Fuck that. It was when me and Andy moved across country. I was like giving myself like an end of the year gift, blah, blah, blah. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I don't think there's anything wrong with buying Gucci.

Like, if you buy Gucci clothing and it's supposed to last a long time or you can send it back in or it's a tailored suit, I'm not against it. I literally couldn't believe those were $350. I thought you were doing a bit. I thought they'd be 100. If you'd just said 150, I'd have been like, all right, it's Gucci, I guess. $350. That wouldn't have been Gucci. Sincerely blows my mind.

Yeah, no, I hear you. Yeah. Well, like, so I bought, well, this is a sore subject. I think I've even talked about it on here before. I bought Katie a Gucci bag for Christmas a couple years ago that she sent back. Oh, my God. This is one of my least favorite stories of all day. It makes me, like, I get it.

I love Katie. Nah, I don't get it. Because it was so expensive. But there's no reason for her to pretend it hit for her and waste that amount of money. just pretend they hit. But my opinion. My point, though, is... I think it shows how much respect she has for him that she was like, I can just be honest with you.

That is straight up how I feel about that kind of move. But you know I'm doing a joke right now about how I have learned that that is not how anyone else in the world feels. Right. People hate it when you're honest. Yeah. My point with that is, though, without getting into that whole story, is that bag that I bought her, that Gucci bag was like... I don't remember... It was over $1,000, right?

it was Yeah. Yeah, I was trying to floss. I did this. For my woman. Amber's Louis Vuitton. I bought her Tiffany earrings the Christmas before that, you know. She just picked, she just straight up picked it out.

I hope. Pampere this bitch. Anyway. Andy does not listen to this episode. Oh, she won't. But my point though is when I was looking at bags. How much oil would that be? $1,600.

It's the most essential oil. Almost a barrel. Only the truly, the essentialist of oils. when I was looking for bags though I asked because I didn't even know I asked some other women's what are the like what are high end bags right and they named Gucci and whatever else

they also named Kate Spade Ermez Armez Armée What is it? Hermes H-E-R-M-E-S Hermes or Irmey or whatever That was one of them they told me

That was one of them they told me Right they were like Armes is probably like the top end And I looked it up and a comparable bag to the Gucci bag I bought, Katie from Hermes was $10,000. Okay. And I saw that.

But I do get that because that is for people who need to, I didn't know Gucci was on that level at all, and I guess it's not. I mean, rappers fuck with Gucci. I guess that's part of maybe why I'm, maybe this is like some of that inherent racism inside me where I was like, well, if rappers can afford it, it probably ain't the top of the top.

Not, dog. That's what they, that's the whole thing. Yeah, absolutely. They're going to pat the air wearing Gucci. We'll just say it's Hermes or whatever. Me and my mom actually had this conversation maybe three weeks ago, and it's the first time me and my mother, this is a big moment for me and my mom.

It's the first time we ever saw eye to eye on high-end fashion. And trust me, it's come up a lot, you know, in our relationship. She was talking about them Hermes bags, and she was like, oh, she was like, Kirby, have you seen that they do these like knockoffs that kind of, and knockoff bags are huge amongst when, even women that have money, if they see a really cool knockoff

is this what started off she's like yeah women if they see a really cool knockoff they'll grow on like oh girl I got this for 10 bucks and I'm like if it looks that good just don't say shit she's like that's part of it is like getting the deal yeah and I'm like okay that's cool but I was telling her like in the sneaker world it could not be more opposite if like you

were wearing a pair of fake Jordans and you got caught you dude you'd get busted on so fucking hard but those are between $100 and $1,000 not $10,000 sure but usually they don't do it with the Hermes bags. Usually it's just like you're Duny and Birx, your fucking Tom Forge, your

Kate Spage, yada, yada, yada, yada. Anyways, they start talking about how expensive these bags are and mom was like, yeah, but of course I'll never be able to have one of those and I was just like, and Mom, that's like, I get, Amber's Louis Vuitton was 1500, I know that's ridiculous, but like I can wrap my brain around it. It's whatever. Because number one, I let Amber pick it out. It is, it's a very, you let her pick it out. She, she, that's the one way she would do it. Well, see, that's how, she already had the one in her mind that she wanted. That was Katie's whole argument, because Katie also has to pick this, if I'd let her pick it,

it was the specific pattern that I got that she didn't like, not that it was just like, oh, this is obscenely expensive. She just didn't like the specific bag. But because it is expensive if you don't like it, I mean, wouldn't you be furious if you bought her that and then she just never used it? He would not be rubber. I wouldn't have noticed. But, buddy, I guess you're not as spiteful as me.

I bought Andy a pair of $250 shoes in Key West one year when I was hammered drunk back when I was a public defender and could not afford those motherfuckers. Then when we got drunk in Austin, Texas, I got her pair of boots on sale for $150. She don't ever wear either of them because she's such a fucking dirty hippie. She's like, well, I'll ruin them. And I'm like, you're ruining them, but I'm wearing them.

I bought my mama a cashmere sweater for Christmas once when I first got my good job, my grown-up job with the DOE. I forgot about her cashmere sweater. And I told Pages, like, this cashmere sweater, I got mama and Pages made. Like, Bubby, what the fuck? She's just going to line a goddamn cat box with that. thing.

I was thinking cigarette hole. Oh, God, damn. So, Mama's saying, like, you know, I'm never going to be able to get one of those Armez bags, I guess. And I was like, Mom, that's like, who, I said, even if you had the money to get that bag, when something is $20,000, the only reason that you're carrying it

is so other people who know or have that bag can spot you in a crowd and be like, how you do it? You know what I mean? Like, you're part of our little, we can afford $20,000 goddamn bag because most people... That's you're a part of the culture. Yeah.

Most... I mean, ain't that why you fuck with these shoes or at least part of it? But that culture goes beyond the price. That culture is also your cool... It might be just as fake. I'm not saying like, but it might be just as whatever made up. But that culture is you know about hip-hop. You know about basketball.

You know about fashion. But that goes back to what I was saying about the easies. That is a thing in shoe culture. I don't subscribe to it. I bought these for $40 because... Yeah, but all I was saying is... That thing you said about carrying the bags also is true for the shoes, right? You want other people that appreciate it to be like, oh, shit, dog, I see you.

But what I'm saying is, but what I'm saying is someone would see me wearing these shoes just be like, oh, them wild green basketball shoes. These Hermes bags, there's nothing special about them other than that they're $20,000. What I'm saying is, that's the whole culture. To the naked eye, most people, unless you knew that that, that's a Hermes bag. I'd have no idea. So the only people who even notice it are, like people would notice these goddamn clown shoes. If I walk by you, they're like him, either they like him or they don't. That bag you would just think was a typical purse.

The only person who would know was my motherfucking mama, and that's only because she stared at pictures of them on the goddamn internet. And mom's like, yeah, you're right. And why would I want to be one of those people? And I was like, exactly. It's fine to have nice things. But at a certain point, if you pay in the same price for a fucking purse that you would, a car.

Literally. That's insane. A car. A fucking nice car, by the way. Yeah, but the people that had them bags, they spent $300,000 on the car. And so me and mom got it, then we got back on that, and I had to agree. I was like, yeah, there's some people who, who them. That ain't shit.

Bill Gates, for instance. Not even Bill Gates, man. Right, not even Bill Gates. Kim Kardashian fucking. That ain't shit. I think it's absurd, too. But in their mind. It's like you spending $40.

Right. I know. On a wallet. I know. Their brain literally don't even see $20,000 the way that we see $20,000. Right. Or have they ever their entire. life. I agree with you that it's ridiculous, but I think I won't shit on them as hard as I used to.

The most offensive thing we've ever done on this spot. I agree. 100%. All the things we're doing. We should feel bad for these celebrities that everybody's shits on all the time. I don't think, I think we're all in agreement that we think that it's ridiculous. Yeah. But we're just saying like, I don't think we're saying like, oh, it's fine that they are that way. We're just acknowledging that, like, it is true that that is how it is for them. People who feel the same way, there's people that feel the same way about I do about these bags about your Gucci shoes. For sure. Yeah. Exactly.

Absolutely. This is not going to hit for a lot of people. I know it. Do you have? It was a joke. Yeah, no, I know. But now we're in it. But now I'm in it.

I'm very curious. I got them and they do hit. Let me preface. I hope they feel gross in a week. Let me preface this by saying that I'm talking about myself with my boots. Do you have any, whether it's. these shoes or anything coming from white trash into being trey crowder book writer deal maker do you have any guilt is that going away was it a process was it stronger at first like with the money

guilt might not be the right word do you have any weird feelings about it no i'm gonna be i'm a die broke for show because right because you're going to spin it because no but arguably throw that shit okay i make that back boy but arguably but i don't give up fuck. He's zooming in for this. Okay, but arguably that's, that's an example of what I'm talking about. That's like, that's white trash inside you coming out, baby. Very much. Very much. I know. Been boots. Dude, cause, hold on. We told. Andy had to talk me into it. Do you understand? Like, I couldn't do it. I was like, Andy, I can't spend 900 on boots. And she sounded like, Corey. She was like, yes, you can.

Part of the, part of the, part of the, part of the, part of the, I walked out of that place looking like Barack Obama. It's very white trash because part of it was like, uh, I think I've told this story on here before. And I know I've told you. part of it is saying like oh what like I can't afford these you don't know me because like I was you used to not be able to because I told like I went to that before I lived in Burbank we were in Burbank because I had Warner Brothers meetings and Katie was there with the boys and Katie went into some bullshit makeup store or whatever and I saw this boutique clothing store we've been on the road for like weeks right yeah and I was out of socks so I told the boys it's like hey I need some socks I need to go y'all come in here with me let's pick out some socks for daddy

and that's when they they shamed you they picked out my uh my my my Biggie socks. Yeah, yeah. The boys picked those out, so, you know. That hits. Yeah, that, uh, good sign. That fucking Robert Redford gift of him sitting at the river and looking back and just nodding with pride.

Found out that was Robert Redford like a month ago. Well, anyway. And I've seen, and I've seen the movie. A bunch. Jeremiah Johnson. One of my dad's favorite ones. Actually, might be my dad's favorite movie. I've seen that movie a hundred times.

That's why we went in there. The boys are at this time, five and six, four and five, I think. Four and five years old, we get up to the front. And in a glass case, this boutique was, I don't know, some kind of I still don't know who the guy is, but his like thing, his logo or symbol or whatever, that's going to stank. That didn't even pick up. That wouldn't even worth it.

God damn it was to me. His logo or symbol or whatever was this like, like a, I don't know, it's like if a teddy bear was a DJ, right? It's the best way I can describe it. And he had these little, uh, these little like kind of Lego figures of that teddy bear with like different outfits on and shit. They're like this big and they're like little toys, right? And they're in the front case up there because.

that's his thing. But I get up there and my four and five-year-old son see these little like teddy bear action figure things. And one of them, Bishop, I think, was like, hey, I want one of those daddy. And I was like, you want one of those? I was like, hey, give me one of those.

And the dude goes, the dude goes, those little figurines right here? I was like, yeah, he goes, dude, those are $50 a piece. I said, oh, okay, well, give me two then. Bitch. You know, that's that white trash. Right.

And the thing, like Katie, hey. eats that shit. Oh, dude. I'm like, I mean, I get. We were, so yesterday, not two days ago, because we were in Phoenix yesterday, we were hanging out over at our friends, the Motoses, and we were going to cook them dinner. They've just had a child not too long ago, and so every now and then we'll go over there and, you know, let AJ put her feet up and we'll cook dinner or whatever.

So we get over there, and my buddy Patrick immediately, as soon as I sat down and got comfortable, and this is just, this is so raving of Patrick. I hope you're listening, Patrick. I sit down, get comfortable, turn the game on. I'm like, oh, yeah, he goes, hey, we got to go to the store. And I was like, why? And he's like, because I need, I got to get some vaping stuff. And then AJ runs in there.

And she's like, no, no, no, no. And I'm like, what? She goes, he's not vaping. He hadn't vapeed for a week. I told you, as soon as Corey comes over here, he's going to be vaping, and then you're going to have to vape. I'm going back there to get you a goddamn patch right now. Put the fucking patch on.

You're not vaping. We talked about this. And then Patrick's like, yeah, I'm going to go to store and get some vape stuff. So we walk out and we go the store And we get these he's like I gotta get I won't get these pineapples That's what you had right? The pineapples is like yeah

So I'm about to go out of town Go ahead and give me the pineapples He said yeah get two of those pineapples or whatever So I was gonna get one Patrick was gonna get one The dude put both up at the same time And went clean cling Went ahead and ring up too

Well you know me I'm not gonna go Uh uh uh I just got one Ring this up So I just fuck Patrick goes You'll me to split it I said just don't worry about it dude I don't want to go through this So I fucking got it for him

We go back to the house AJ's furious that Patrick got all this vaping stuff. She goes, how much was it? How much was it? And he's like, I don't know. Corey bought it. And Amber goes, oh, fucking course he did. And I'm sitting there going, what?

And she goes, oh, that's just Corey. Mr. I got to buy everything. I fucking hit. I got the check. Don't fucking worry about it. None of y'all hit, so I'll get the goddamn check. Which, by the way, most accurate things she has ever said in her life. Y'all don't hit.

I do. I got the fucking check. Whenever it's her fucking idea for me to get the check, all of a sudden it's the best decision anyone's ever made but if i decided to get the check oh yeah just kissed the king's ring anyways she'd be getting mad at me about that stuff too yeah me and you dying broke for sure sure what were we talking about why are the irony is i don't have any of this and i'm still going to die bro why did i launch into this oh about the whole give them the two yeah yeah anyways glores she gets so mad at me about that but i can't help it because i know

having worked retail and stuff like that, the people are literally just trying to help you out because sometimes people don't know. Right, yeah. But like, for sure. That guy was just being like, dude, that's a little plastic piece of shit. You don't want to spend $50 on that, bro.

He was being cool. He was saying, that's not a toy, man. It's not for kids. It's for assholes. You don't want it. You don't need it. It's not for kids. It's for assholes.

Oh, it's for assholes. Give me two of them. Yeah. And you know when you remember that? For sure. You remember that when you're walking home with a piece of shit that you don't want.

that you just spend $100. God damn it. I never regret it for a second. No, go the motherfucker away. We did. We make it again. Because they broke them immediately. Because they're not for kids.

They're for assholes. They're for assholes. Oh, assholes? Give me two. Okay, well, what were we talking about? I bought a pretty expensive rainbow color butt plug just because I thought it was funny. We're about to be sponsored by...

Just because he thought it was funny. That's a bummer because we're about to be sponsored by some butt plugs, and we could just... I know. I said something to Andy about... I had a hit, Rainbow Color Butt Plug. And then I was drunk, so I typed Rainbow Color Butt Plug into my phone, and I found some, but they were all... They're not that expensive, but it was more than other butt plugs. It shows up to Andy.

He was like, look what I bought as a joke. As a joke. Isn't it funny? We're not really into butt plugs. We're just joking around. No, I hear you're being funny right now, but we're not actually. If it's the Nelly... The Nelly thing.

We're in a very... weird things. Yeah, just not butt plug. The Nelly thing is like... We could get into it. I'm very against plugging it up. Unless you're gonna do it. Unless you're gonna do it.

I'm just playing, unless you're gonna do it. It's a slightly better line than that. I'm just kidding like Jason. Yeah. Unless you're gonna do it. It's extra. Read the news.

They played Nelly this morning. Oh my God. Let me tell you all what I did. Tell us about your spin class or whatever. Well, the spin class. The reason you thought that is I also was going to tell you all about the bike. I make the bike story quick because if, I mean, some people listen to the podcast have heard me because I put this out on Facebook.

I was walking home from the dog park. I walked by this Mexican gentleman selling his wares on the side of the road, and one of them was a bicycle. And I've been thinking about how I wanted a bike to, like, driving back and forth to the gym and all that. So I go, I look at the back, I ask him how much. We try to haggle a little bit. He will not come down at all. And we keep talking.

He's just not, you know, just 75 Dolores. So I'm like, fuck it. It's worth it. I look up the brand. It's a good brand. I think it was called Giant. How often do you haggle, if I may? I would say rarely.

It makes me uncomfortable, which I know how you're trying to hit, but I really don't like that. I'm sincerely because I'm so uncomfortable even attempting to do it. I also hate it, but I can see Drew being the type that's just like how much you want for this. And if that don't hit for him, he's just like and walks off. Yeah, that's not haggling. I know. That's what I'm saying. He said he said 75.

I said, I'll give you 50. He said 75. And I said, okay. So I walked off. I went to get the cash because I was walking my dog. I didn't have any cash. And as I'm turning to go in my house, a man on a bicycle is coming up the sidewalk at me. And this car pulls into the intersection that he's crossing and is going to stop but overshoots the stop sign so that they can see.

Because if you stop at the stop sign, you can't actually see if there's fucking cars coming and hits him. As I'm walking to purchase a bicycle, a man on a bicycle gets fucking T-boned by this car. Now, not like death because the car was coming to a stop, but it fucked his bike. up and like he was hurt and I was like all right maybe God's real and he likes me and I was like well there's no way that's true so uh we'll just take it as a whim that's that whole story what he like he was in front of the car and the car pulled into him where the car pulled in front of him and he did that flip over the hood thing that's hilarious he's driving that is fucking fun yeah yeah classic and the car is slowing down because it's trying to stop

anyway but hits him T-bones him yeah knocks him over knocked him over like slowly comically over? Yes. Okay. So still hits. Yeah. But it was like... It does hit.

It was the... Yeah. He wasn't injured, injured, but his bike was fucked up and it was the most like, oh, yeah, I don't need a bike. If that even came close to happening, I would get murdered for screaming at the person who did it.

Well, me and Corey were just laughing about you being on a bike because it's the most, like, comical form of road rage there is. On a bike. God, dude. You would have, like, you on a bike, furious. You, like, hitting that little bike bell, calling people fucking, yeah, just yelling cuss words at people fucking take it the fuck out of the way. I told you all, that's why I didn't do it for so many years,

is how ridiculous anyone mad on a bike looks. They got their little fucking helmet. You know that if you're on a bike, you're going to get mad. Every time a person on the bike is mad, almost every time. Take your Australian Shepherd to the Park, you stupid fucking bitch. Almost, I hope someone heard that. Almost every time someone's mad on a bike, like they're probably justified.

cut them off. But, like, they still look, they got a little cute helmet. Look, it's a child. They look ridiculous, man. So, they do. There's nothing wrong with bikes, but I mean, you look silly on a bike.

And he would look exceptionally ridiculous. Because he would be madder than fuck while being a cyclist. It would definitely hit for me. I know for a fan. We'd have a baseball car to the women's soccer team in the back of his fucking, it'd be great. I want you to have a bike now. I'm going to buy you a bike.

He's got a refugee riding on the peg And Roasting him by making him sound like the best human being in the world That's a good genre for us Yeah Well, we probably ordained now We better know or not That was one of those that's just for us

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Were you going to talk? I thought you wanted me to change the subject, so I was trying to. Yeah, good job. I saw an ad, I guess. I don't know what to call it because it was free. It was like, you know, a thing when you check in the hotel, there was an exercise class. It was like, sometimes it's CrossFit. Sometimes it's yoga.

And I was like, okay, if I'm awake, I might do that. I've been working out. That might be cool. And what I didn't know is is completely open to the public. I thought it's going to be me and like three ladies on a business trip. Who do you ever see in the gym at a hotel? I saw that same ad. and you're right it was like it switches up yeah and it's funny because i'm the type just like i would

i would only ever go if i knew exactly what i was walking in to her because i what if you get there i would do polities or something would you still i probably wouldn't have stayed right you just turn around and walk away right you go inside go and see what it is and then leave but also i didn't think it that far through i'm telling you man this something's been wrong my brain lately you're right as soon as i got there lately that's the first okay but what's your definition of lately this particular way particular way. I got there and I was literally like, what the fuck am I doing here?

I hate all of it. There was a dude on a stage. There was a DJ. This dude the fucker was like bouncing around. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Like a Britney Spears, James Fonda. Yeah, dude. Yeah, they do that.

He was so peppy. And you know the kind of peppy? Was he Nick Kroll? Was it like Nick Kroll playing that character? That was so great. Nick Kroll made it kind of funnier on the sketch that he didn't look the part at all. But in real life, This dude made it funnier because he was like a six-foot-three Adonis except annoying.

I'm like, bro, you don't have abs. You don't need this much personality. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. We haven't even started it. I burned 400 calories. They can't have a fat. We haven't even started it, and I burn 400 calories hating this motherfucker.

So we get going or whatever, and it's kind of cross-fitty. It's like burpees and shit. And I'm like, at least it's a real workout. Like, at least I'm not like trying to do fucking, you know, backbends or whatever the fuck. and he starts walking around And I again was like... Do you have a headset on like a wireless mic? Yes. Yes. And the DJ was...

And I'm like, why am I here? All the time. All the time. He was showing us one move where you jump. And he was like, I know it looks like there's springs up here, but there's not. And I'm like, we get it. You can jump high. Yeah, congratulations. I have two degrees.

No one gives the fuck about either of those things, man. Anyway, he's doing all that. And he comes in, he's like, come on, we got to push it. Why aren't you pushing it? And he's like, he's talking to everybody, but he's, kind of starts to look at me and I wanted to be like because I've read books dude I don't have to do this I mean it's it look bro it's exercise I'm doing a good job all right you know but like but you know exercise is a drug yeah and like I started to feel

fucking good and then yeah yeah and then uh fuck this dude yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah me and tj we fuck. And then, I mean, you know, the DJ's playing hitting songs that you play in the club, so it makes sense that she's in this genre. But I lost my mind when Bone Crusher came on. Fucking never scared. Yeah. Rodney Allen Wiggins done told everybody.

Our friend who's a DJ is like, don't play that song in the club because a fight will break out. Yeah. If you don't know. He then immediately played that song and destroyed my mother's time. Oh, that's true. Trey played that song. And he, Rodney, destroyed. my grandmother's house.

To prove himself right. Prove himself right. Chandelier and all. We had a party at Corey's house. Before the party started, Rodney was telling us old DJ stories. He was like, every club owner ever had would tell me, whatever you do, do not play bone crusher because it will be a brawl. And he was like, so every night about 1 a.m., I put on bone crusher. And people just start throwing bones.

And we were all laughing about it. So then that night at that party, everybody's fucked up at about 2 a.m. I went over, got the ox cord on the iPod and put on bone crusher, and Rodney just starts ripping Corey's house apart. And he did. This is when me and Amber. Just tore it up. Me and my wife at that time were just roommates.

Yeah. We were not even dating. None of that. We were just roommates. We lived in my grandmother's old house. And when I say that that motherfucker got destroyed. And again, just by Rodney, like, no one, and he knew that nobody was about to do anything, but he's like, I cannot be called a liar.

Yeah. And he fucked my house up. Anyways, they start playing my own truck. So you were fucking this dude. Yeah. To bone crusher. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

All right. If you don't know that song, I know y'all do. But for anyone listening who don't, that song is literally about not being afraid in the club, running into a rival, going to your car, popping the trunk to get your gun out. Now, I understand it's become somewhat of a pop hit. And I'm not trying to be like, oh, but like, you. It is so weird to be on a fucking Instagram. It was all like 23-year-olds.

Everyone there was, like, in great shape. Even the 50-year-olds were, like, weirdly in good. You know how the 50-year-olds where they got the muscles in a weird place is and shit. Don't hit. They're like, ah, it's like a whole thing. It was called Earn Your Booze. There was a tequila company that. I saw that.

That sponsored it. Like, they were giving out to the kela. And that's what people were doing. Because you burn the calories. That was the whole gimmick. Be a real drunk. And then they're playing this song. I hate that shit.

Why people love that shit? There's like 5Ks with being. Yeah, all those. That's, that's Miklob Ultra's entire brand is like, you can get this beer and not get fat. After running a marathon, I'm like, well, if I ran a marathon, why don't I get the beer that fucking tastes good? If I earned it, I feel like I could drink this shit after I walked to the mailbox,

you fucking eat it. Slim-ass-canned-ass candle and fit in the goddamn cup holder when I'm on the way back to the store, which I have to be for this 2.7% alcohol bullshit. Gone. So, so, yeah, right up your butt-haw. Yes. So I'm thinking all that shit. hating these people, as I said, burning way more calories that way than I am with these burpees.

Bone crusher comes on. Now I'm thinking about how ridiculous this is, but exercise is a drug, it starts to feel good. This dude's saying shit, like, you got to earn it, you got to earn it. You're going to feel better at the end of this because you had the willpower. It's easy to have willpower to go out with your friends, and I'm like, who the fuck are you? No, it is not. You ever canceled right before? It's way better. And then the drugs start to kick in. And you know how when you're doing drugs, you're like, you know, you feel good and you have less inhibitions. then I left. Like as soon as I started feeling good, I was like, I don't have to be here.

Fuck this shit. So you just walked off in the middle of it? Yeah. Yeah, I rolled up my shit and was like, peace. Rolled up your shit. Oh, because they give you a thing. Yeah, yeah. Well, I got it in my hotel room.

The yoga mat. Wait, what type, hold up. What type of exercising was this? We was doing like burpees, jumping jack, squats? This whole time I've been thinking it was cycling. No. Yeah, that's because you came in thinking it was a spin class. Yeah.

And you just never got off that. Well, and then also you then said the Nick Crowell thing and he was spinning. Right. And then I just went back to like, I saw this dude up on a thing. I went, don't change you. I went to my room, changed my clothes, and came back and got in the pool and drank all the drinks that they were giving out for free. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I earned them. I mean, I kind of wish I'd have gone with you to this too. And I'd have given up way before. Of course, you would have followed me. You'd never said yes because it was at 9.30 and it was exercise. And I didn't know all the things I knew about it. The 930, I'd say yes to something to, but the exercise, you're right. I also didn't know what it was.

My thing about exercise is that even when I get in the moods to do it, which I do. which I do sometimes. You want them know what you're getting into. Not even that. It cannot be near another person. Oh, right. Like, yes.

Not anybody. That's why I was so mad at myself when I arrived. I was like, I work out alone. Well, like that's the thing. Don't even look at me. Y'all are my boys. headphones in, averting eye contact with every other person. Jay and I have worked out in his yard together before I had a place without even looking at each other.

Well, no, what I was going to say is like, y'all are my boys and like, I'm not like, like, I'd rather do it. But I'd rather do it by myself. Drew, it texts me and be like, hey, can I come. I've watched y'all work out. Yeah, he'd be like, can I be like, can't be like, yeah, you can. But just so you know, I'm going to be on the elliptical watching stuff about gladiators, so don't say a goddamn word to me.

And he was just like, perfect, great. That's what I want too. That's nature shit, not you. So you're not going to be in the way? I wouldn't even going to do it. I wouldn't even going to do the elliptical. So, yeah. No, dude, I can't, like, I joined a gym and I was going there like, you know, two or three

times a week. And the thing that got me out of, because I stopped going, but then, like, kept working out like at my house but like dude it was just so fucking nerve wracking like i'd just be i'd be on the treadmill and i'd be going in my head the whole time i'm running on the treadmill i'd be going it's fine it's just about keeping your heart rate up it's okay that you're going this slow you'll be on here longer than that motherfucker nobody's even looking at you like this is fine can't do it i can't i can't i don't really like people to look at me when i eat what's people not looking at you you hate that uh it is funny right what like well you like love a

attention. Controlled. Controlled attention. Yeah. And that's not me at my most hitting. Right. That's definitely true of me. Is that not true of you?

Oh, what? Hey. You love attention but only controlled? Let me get, let me go and say one thing right now. I'll go ahead and be rabid any of this that may come up. If, let's say hypothetically, it will never, ever happen. Hypothetically, I got an insane shape. Like, I just stopped boozing right now.

Stop fucking with bullshit carbs. Started working out heavy every day. Was eating lean proteins. and I looked amazing, all of that shit would change a lot. Like, I probably wouldn't mind so much. I'd probably be at the gym just like, yeah. Two things. First of all, when did you decide that it'll never happen?

Because you used to talk about how it was going to happen all the time. No, no, no. There's a difference in I think I'll get back to being, like, thin. But, like, getting jacked. Well, that was my follow-up, which was how in shape do you got to get? Because I've been in decent shape, and then you go to the gym and, like, I'm super in shape. Abs.

Abbs? It's crazy in shape. dog That's like the most in shape That's what I'm saying. That's what he's saying I would have to be I would have to be that level to do that.

That makes sense because what I was going to say is I've been in shape before it's been a long time and you go to the gym and you're like, you're not nothing. Yeah.

Now I still feel like Because there's people without a goddamn personality there. If I weighed If I weighed 175 even if I didn't have abs or huge muscles I would obviously be I would be less.

It'd be weird. Your head would still be big. Probably my cheeks wouldn't be though. You would look like one of them cake pops. Dude. Yeah. That's true.

in that same vein when I was working as a DOE I would go to the gym which was right across the street I go to the gym every day at lunch so I was going the same time every day I saw the same people and eventually even if you're like I am you're just completely antisocial and whatever else when you're there eventually you start to like know these people a little bit and that honestly makes it yawned while you're talking about working out that makes it even worse honestly yeah because then you feel like you're supposed to be like what's up brandon what's going or whatever and like it makes it hit even let's like how how many times we're going to talk about how it's bullshit they only got one squat rack in here you know what i mean like it's worse when you you start to kind of know people that's why i like a bigger gym there's a y in birbank that's further away than the y in north hollywood the ymc a i thought you said i go to the wine burbank yeah that also exists i'm certain yeah and i go there because it's bigger and it's more anonymous in the gym i started going there because they have a basketball court and that hits for me and i don't get stabbed there but uh i kept going there because they have like a bigger gym area and I can remain anonymous.

There's a few people who like know each other, but it's like I don't, it's big enough that if I don't look at them, there's never going to be like a, what's up, dude? Yeah, it's why I got all my own shit in my backyard. I just never have to worry about that. And also so I can like listen to heavy metal and if I can get done bench pressing and stand up and just like scream at the sky. There's also no commuting, you shower right there. Everything hits about it harder.

Oh, dude. My yard's not big enough. I got Andy a punching bag and that's all we could do in the backyard. I don't want to get a puncher bag. Yeah. Whose face does she have taped to the front of it? A heavy bag? Yeah, I do want.

Are you serious? I'm going to talk to her about it. She has been working out, but since she started working out, she stopped doing it. Heavy bags are awesome. Matter of fact, I've got one at my parents' house. I need to go fucking good because I know Dad ain't fucking with it. She says she's going to fuck with it again, but I don't believe her. And again, because she is actually working out.

She's living right, which is why she doesn't need it. That's great for fucking stress, too. I know that sounds insane to a lot of people out there who think that what I'm about to say is very toxic masculinity, and it probably is. No, that's why Andy wanted to punch you. Yeah, but like back in the day when I used to get supremely just ragey about something, you know, dad would just be like, son, go out to the garage. And I'd go out of the garage and I'd whip that thing's ass for like 10 minutes straight and like, yeah, I mean, you should do, you know, you could hit somebody, I guess, but hit the thing. I was screaming the whole time.

Yeah. Sneezing, pissing, crying a lot. Have you ever cried and punched at the same time? Let me tell you something. You look like a bitch, but I promise you, you're doing more damage. Missed a butt. I used to cry and punch a lot. I've answered your question whose picture is taped up there.

I'm the patriarchy. No good. No good. I don't smell it. It's hitting for me though. I'm not smelling it. I got nothing. The fans blowing back this way, which is good for me.

It's like, you know what? It's living in this robe. Robs hold farts. They do. Robs do hold farts. So we've been doing a thing lately, literally one time, but I want to make it a thing. Okay. Recurring segment.

Will we revisit old moments of ravenry? Oh, God. Well, we've been doing it lately not on the podcast a lot. So, yeah. Bob Seeger hits. He does hit. I said he hit. So he didn't hit his heart as four and then y'all started doing this.

No, it was the opposite. It was the exact opposite. And then eventually. The exact opposite is what happened. We weren't on the podcast when the conversation happened. On the podcast, y'all said that I said Bob Seeger didn't hit. And so I just went with it because it was hilarious. But when we were eating dinner, I said foreigners way better.

It's the best dad rock. It's better than Bob C. Drew, what was this? That was you. Was that you talking about how much he hits for you? No, that was me making fun of you, dancing at his concert while you tried to hook up with one of your high school best friends. Mom.

Mom. I did fuck, Corey. Yeah. Man, you got a thing for fucking fat dudes named Corey. I do. Dude, oh, this is fucking... You know how our wives constantly be, you know, making jokes about it. Saying we gay?

Yeah, saying we gay. Me and Amber were like... His wife genuinely believes that me and you are gay. I'm starting to believe our wives might believe it too. Well, she genuinely believes that you guys have... Done gay stuff. Unexplored sexuality tendencies towards men that you've explored with each other. So...

Done gay stuff. Me and Amber... Neither of you are saying no. Well, there's nothing wrong with it. Yeah. I didn't say it was. We should have to say. The fact that you're repressing it and not talking about it is what you're doing wrong.

Our business. Our business. Yeah, I agree. You don't have to talk about it. You don't have to. But the world wants to hear from you. You're a leader, man. Yeah, well, you know.

Amber came home drunk the other day, which is the thing she can do. Come home drunk. Somebody brought her home drunk. So she was sitting there and I just got home from maybe wherever we were last. I don't remember where we were last. But I'm sitting there and she's fucked up. And she's looking at me and she goes, I don't remember what it was

we had like five minutes of like kind of a sweet catch up moment we were hugging don't happen a lot and she goes you know what I fucking realize today and I was like what and I was like oh this is about to be some hot gossip or and she goes gay dudes

when they fuck they can fuck like missionary style and I was like yeah and she goes they don't have to always just be bent over in doggy style like they can fucking just like because like you know if you wanted to fuck me in my ass not happening uh i could just be on my back and i was like yeah

like of of course like she goes yeah so you know how the hells work she goes so so you knew that and i go yeah so you knew that oh sure and i go so you knew that or i guess i go whatever that's and i go yeah Yes, I knew that. She goes, oh, yeah, is that how your daddy? Trey fucks you when you're on the road? And then she stormed out and made bullpenho. She was so mad because I just knew how assholes were. Yeah, yeah.

All I tell you, you know, because Trey fucks you in a hotel. I'm going to eat peanuts. Trey, keep in mind you paid $350 for Gucci slides. How much would you have paid to see that? The hit her doing that to him? like with neither of them knowing we're not there. No, we're just like watching from a fly on the wall. Fly on the wall.

And you didn't know what's coming. Right. Someone's, well, that's hard because like, if you don't know what's coming, it's like a little bit of it. But when you give me the money,

I slayed you and then we show up there. So you get to not know it's coming. I mean, at least, 500. Yeah, right. $700. $700.

$100. Well, man, Amber, about to start a Patreon. For every day of the week that I would enjoy that so fucking much. And the thing about it is, is it'd come back around. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, it's like... Memories do be doing that. Yeah, you think that, like, it's over.

What'd you say? Memories do be doing that. No, but I'm saying, like, it would hit for a while. You'd get your $700 out of it. And then, like, a year later, you'd remember it. No, I know. It sounds like I'm in an asshole. Memories do be doing that.

They say... Doe be doing is a fun sequence of words. Dooby-do. They say that if you want to be happy, spend your... money on something that gives you a memory because over time it'll get better whereas the thing you bought will get worse. But like...

I hear you. The memory of buying Gucci's though will last forever. There you go. This started with that story I told. Yeah, the story didn't hit for y'all. Like, I'm saying, more than three and a good. The thing you just said, it's like, what things do you buy that don't connect to some

kind of memory that it gives you? You just mean like experiences versus material things. If you had just been out shopping and just bought those with no story. My buddy, y'all know Jared, Jared and Jess who have been on our podcast. Yeah, the one, they've done the podcast. They left their jobs to go fucking globe trot and all that shit.

He always used to say that, like that his philosophy was to only spend, to primarily spend money on experiences and not things. And I mean, I think that's a, yeah, I think it's way. I mean, I agree with that. My only reason why sometimes it wouldn't be is that if I go broke, I can sell my shit. You know what I mean? Right. But I can't sell my goddamn memory. I don't know.

In your house, because you sell your memories. We do that right now. We sell our memories. We're kind of in the business of selling our memories. I just wanted to. Sorry. I couldn't. It had.

It was so great because he was saying as he did it. He was like, I just really want to. I just really want to. I wanted to do it so I did. You ever just want to do it? You ever just want to do things I did? It was awesome. Listen, this is me apologizing in a way by saying,

want to. Dude, my buddies used to have this thing where we all used to hang out together all the time, lived together and shit like in college and everybody was always hanging out together perpetually. We had this thing where my boy, Bid James. Not James Bain, who is Bid James, but Bid James. You always do that to us. Well, that's because y'all got them mixed up, which I don't blame you for getting them mixed up.

You always confuse us. Right. So, but Bid James, there was this running thing where like, we'd all be hanging out and I'd just be walking through the living room to the bathroom or something like that and one of the other do's form tackle you no no one of the other dudes be like bit jane push him down and he was just like always always into something soft like he never just showed me into a wall or something he'd show me on a couch or a bed or chair whatever but it was like but jane push him down just every time but i also when i would get real drunk I would jump on

Big James's back and like fucking, you know, like the, the mountain troll and Lord of the Rings type of thing or whatever. That's how I got this. No, the big one. Oh. That's how I got this scar on one of my legs because I was drunk as fucking. We were playing cornhole and I was kept jumping on Big James's back and I was chasing around our asphalt driveway trying to jump on his back. And I went shin first into a cornhole board. Don't head.

And I've still got a scar. I don't remember. Buddy, how drunk was you? Was you drunk enough for it not to make you cry? I don't remember it. I was blackout, blackout drunk, don't remember it at all. Thank God because, dude, there ain't nothing worth. Dude, I hit my shin just on our bed frame the other day and like that, barely, like, not even a lot at all.

And that literally for like five minutes, I sat on the edge of the couch just like, I'm not doing anything the rest of the day. Andy. She, did you hurt herself? Roll that beautiful bean footage. I was helping her with an audition. And the way we've been doing some auditions now, she sits in front of the new, like, Mac thing she bought or whatever. Like a computer?

Yeah, she got a computer. And she sets in front of him. She sat for it. Mine. She got a computer. Yeah, she got a computer. I was trying to, like, you know, express not a laptop. And I forgot how.

Yeah. Dude, I did too, because I almost called it a laptop. I was like, look. I almost said PC. Yeah, do computer. I almost said PC. You know, like, computer. Desktop.

Just sit on. what it's called because it sits on a desk I almost said PC you know a PC anyway she's sitting there and I go she sits down in the chair and I think she scooted it forward I don't remember exactly somehow

she got it on her toe but then she sat on her own toe on the chair and then you can't hardly because if you move to get up and I mean it hurt and I was like are you okay and she's like I don't know I think it's fucking broken it's swelled up

and it ended up being fine. I didn't get a laugh because for like 10 minutes, I thought her toe was broken. Yeah. And we were going to have to call the ambulance. But like, do you know what I mean? Like, Corey, if you, like, you can't, you're stuck. You're not stuck.

You can't get up. But to get up, I got a rock forward. And so she was like, like, like that. And I was like, what just happened? And anyway, it hit for me. Yeah, that does hit. Amber doesn't hurt herself as much as I'd like.

And as much as you'd think. That is true. Andy almost never hurts us. Almost every time Amber's too drunk to function, she hurts me. Yeah. Oh, yeah, look at that. Man, Andy was wrestling the other night. I was like, well, she did.

Y'all didn't tell me. Or here. Yeah. She does that shit on purpose. Yeah, no, this was, yeah. No, Amber. She attacked me. Amber never really hurts herself.

If she ever gets too, too wild or whatever, she'll just go lay the fuck down. I'd be hurting myself. I fall, dude, I fall in our house so goddamn much. Like, and mainly I'll be trying to hit. Like, I'll get drunk, me and her will be drunk. And, like, I'll go getting, like, some underwear and I'll pull my underwear up into my butt hole,

you know, like, make a thong out of, whatever. And I'll come in, like, doing some risky business shit. And I'm, you know, how out of line will it be for us to put, like, a secret nanny cam in their house, like, because. A felony. Yeah, but. Not if we don't get caught.

But we hit, though, right? Yeah, and I wouldn't care. I'd be fine with it. Yeah. Because, like, Lord. I mean, I could look at Amber right now because I have that dog cam. I got one of them. She always forgets.

And, dude, she'll be, and I don't know. It'll be like Friday night. And I'll know she's fucking drunk eating peanuts and I'll just fucking hit the button on. Just go. Oh, go, go. And she goes, God, fuck you, damn it. It hits so hard. So, yeah, I deserve everything.

But I'll get like halfway naked. Me and Andy do that. I'll get. Oh. I didn't not hit y'all got the bubble first I'll get like halfway naked and like you know

try to slide through the house like risky business and then I'll go to like run and jump on the fucking ottoman and like you know pretend like I'm surfing and shit like what's up girl

and I'll just bust your ass knock the leg off the ottoman just drill my head on the fucking floor or the corner of the fuck I'm gonna bleed out one day because if I hit my head on the side of a coffee table and start of bleating up

RIP coffee table I'll tell you that much right now maybe we've got to get another coffee table again. Corey's fine. I broke this from my head. But like, if I bled out, first off, I'd be so drunk, I'd bleed out real quick. And secondly, she would either be, A, also drunk with me and therefore not able to take me to

the hospital or just be like the level of drunk where she's like, and then just falls back asleep. Yeah. That wouldn't hit. I mean, she could call 911. Of course, where you live, it would take 35 minutes. Oh, yeah, I'd be dead. But, you know, my head would probably save me.

But, yeah, I bust my ass. I hit my face on the wall a lot. That's the thing I do. Like, you know, like, because it's bigger and the rest of your body. I'll be just up, like, trying to hit or whatever, and I'll slip here, and then I'll, you know, like, hit my face like that. Yeah.

You know. It's all trying to hit. It's funny because I... And then you do, the wall. This is actually related to conversation me and Amber had recently, and she hit for me in it. Imagine that. When were you all talking?

Yeah, it was about you not hitting. I know it's hard to believe. I mean, I mean, well, who can recall? Yeah, right. It's been so many of them. Me and Katie do that about you, by the way. I'm certain. But we're talking about me being physically stupid or whatever because he had just done a thing.

And I was telling Amber, I was like, I was like, I just kind of feel like it's unfair because I don't think that I even approach the number of those instances that Corey does. I was like, I was like not even close to it. I'm always at least trying to hit. And like. Right. And what she said. Hey, man. Here's your phone. Oh.

Right. I'm at least attempting something. that I should not be attempting, but like I'm trying to do a thing. You know what it is. I don't think that's true. It's jock nerd bully shit, and I don't feel bad about it. One time I saw you try to catch something, and it was hilarious to me. And now this is the whole thing.

But you can't fake what happened that day. You don't have it. Dude, you got knocked out by a tree. I do. And had to go lay down because you walked face first into a tree. Wasn't we on our way to a movie? I'm saying. I was high.

shit be happening anyway i said that he's drunk a blot believe that he did you said he's drunk a blot he has drunk a blot too i also farted in the middle of that too i said that to amber and she goes which i thought was very astute of her she was like she's like yeah i think it's just because like like with cori he's just like so fucking like stupid and stuff all the time that like the way he moves and everything like you just like expect him to just do that shit so like he does it pretty perfect he does it and you just don't even Like, think about it. You're like, of course she did it. But you, you're like smart and stuff.

So it's like weird. Like when Corey does it, everybody's like, yeah, of course. Why wouldn't he have faith planting in that wall? That fucking lard-ass. Why wouldn't he have? Of course. I wasn't going to put it out there like that. But that is actually what she said.

Call a spade a spade, motherfucker. Why don't you do it? They say, what she said was, I feel like Corey's just like so all the time. that you just expect that if you want to break it down semantically this is how I genuinely feel I was just watching wrestling

I'm sorry absolutely am probably what you would call spatially stupid for sure like walking your stupid in space like yes like walking into a tree limb yeah

but when I say physically stupid I mean you can't get your body to do what you want it to do. Yeah, look at it. I know. It's all gangly and floppy and fucking out of proportion and shit. You try getting this thing under control, man. God damn, stupid.

That's fair. Yes, that's where I was going. I'm just dumb. Yeah, very delude there. Yeah, we're specifically dumb, but we got just these random caps in our knowledge. Corey, Corey, it's the whole, Corey feels across the board dumb. Just dumb and every, very balanced dumb. If Mad.

He's a real five-told. dumbass. Blue shit. Let me tell you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. That was wrong. That was wrong.

I was being defensive and I said a terrible thing. For the second time. What did you say? I said the R word. I shouldn't have said it. That's the fourth time it's been said in the last five minutes.

Only twice by me. You quoted Amber. Yeah, right. I'm absolved. I was quoting a person. Yeah, absolutely. It's on me. I'm literally taking the one.

And he made you. And I do it too. He made you. I feel like most comments. He knew what she said and he was like, hey. No, he told me, he's like, won't you be brave, motherfucker? Just say it, God damn it.

Say it. Say what she said. Say what my wife said to me when I wasn't even there, which makes it somehow worse. Say my wife calls me a fuck behind closed doors. Tell the world.

But Corey does this thing. I think most comedians do a version of this where like, he'll like, say a terrible thing as someone else or whatever. Yeah. But not a real, not, I'm not, I don't mean repeating. Not repeating a thing that someone said.

Yeah. But, and then like, and then if you say something like, oh, whoo, that was rough or whatever. And then his defense is like, I was quoting. Yeah. I was quoting this other person. It's like, that was not even a real person. Yeah, you made that guy up. So you can say that.

I didn't say it. What's character work? I hear you. Yeah. Leonard DiCaprio said. the N-word and Django. I don't think he said that shit. Right.

You know what I mean? I know. I genuinely don't believe he said that. Right. And also, if you're going to do a movie about a slave owner and then you leave it out, that's weird. I do believe that the orchestrator of the mandingo fight said that. Right.

But I don't believe that was Leonardo DiCaprio. And that's exactly what it is when you're sitting around a bonfire and you say a bunch of terrible shit while acting like, you know, a guy from Boston or whatever. When I heard. What is it? Mandingo. You're a little baby. That's how it is.

When I. heard the Shane Gillis thing before not heard him say it heard about it I literally thought that's what had happened I was like oh so that dude said that someone in the 1600 said let all the live in Chinatown yeah someone did say that right but then I went back on her I was like oh no he said that just a bad bit that's not a good bit yeah that's not a good bit well boys we got we got to do we got show in an hour and I'd like to get down there and go ahead and get a drink we're in uh Phoenix at stand up live by the time this podcast comes out we will be on a little break But then immediately after that, if I'm not wrong, we're going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina, and then Charleston, South Carolina. And then after that, we only have Denver.

We have Denver. And then big, big shows. Well-read at Zanis are Christmas spectacular. That's right. A very well-read Christmas. A very well-red Christmas. It'll be great. Yeah, look for some. Mary, Jolly. Look for some new promo materials on that because we're going to throw some... We're going to get Yule as fuck in that moment. We'll get Yule. We'll get Yule. We'll get y'all.

We'll get all that shit. That is December 19th through the 22nd. Those shows always sell out. Deathly y'alls, let's do some molly. Fala la la la la la la la la la la. Oh, God damn it. I don't know. I thought you had it.

I thought you had it too. I believe. I never hesitate. No, hell on. Not with a fart. So 19th and 20 seconds. And I thought if you squeezed any harder, you was going to shit yourself. You can get those tickets at well readcom.

You can get those tickets at well readcom. W-E-L-R-E-D-C-com.com. Do you remember Joe Dirt? My favorite line, I think, is, if you've seen my girlfriend, you'd shit yourself. Mine is, it's the sequence of events when he goes, he goes, hey, you done with that apple court? And he does farts, he goes, done with that fart, you want that?

And he goes, nah, maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton's ass, I take my. You know what I'm saying? I think mine is, oh, yeah, is this queer? Is this queer? These queer? They're both straight and looking for chickies. Talking to the mic. It's hot, and it doesn't like it.

They don't like feedback. You live in a boiler room? Yeah, I got a few presents. You know what we need to do for a bonus episode? Because, like, I don't want to do it for a regular episode because, like, it won't hit for some people. Just do like a mystery science theater thing of that movie? Oh, my God. And followed by a watchalong.

Dude. That's what I mean by that. Oh, is that what they do? Mystery Science Theater. Where they sit, the robot sitting in the front row watching a moment. You don't know mystery science theater is? What? I knew what it is, but I never fucking.

Yeah. I mean, I knew what it was, but like, I never really fucked with it. Yeah, yeah. No, a watch along. Yes. Absolutely. That's a great idea. I did that fucking YouTube thing that.

I went to YouTube and shot this thing. It was Red Nakes. We get it. You went to YouTube. Yeah, it was horrible. I was much older than I was when I went to work out this morning. Speaking of which, we're on YouTube, by the way, so I've already done that promo. Go to YouTube.

com slash well-read comedy, and you can watch these episodes. Go ahead. The idea of the show was like this gimmicky thing, like rappers versus Redneck. It was like a trivia thing. They asked Redneck questions about rappers. They asked rappers questions about Rednecks. Joe Dirk came up. And then the dude, the director, you know, like, you know, it's a very produced show.

He's like, all right, y'all just give us some quotes from Joe Dirk to some of your favorite quotes, and then we might be able to use this to some part. I did, but me and the other kid, he was from Clinton was like, you know, he's also a redneck. We were doing quotes, and every time we get halfway through a quote, we'd be like, oh, you can't use this one, can you? Oh, you can't use the one? Every single one. Yeah.

Except for, no, there were a few. They're still a good amount. Yes, but he was like, what are your favorite ones? And then the rednecks just stepped up and without even realizing it. Me and him both started doing ones that have. words like queer in it or whatever. We were like, it was a different time.

I don't know, man. It was a different time. Yeah. I mean, it hit. Yeah, too. Well, they outlawed the heads. Yeah, all right,

well, let's get the fuck out of here and go do this show. Come see us on the road, Wode. Come see us on to Wode, well-read comedy. com. Follow into the abisket.

Me and DJ Lewis, you got her bumpkin. Got a new podcast. Corey and Trey will both be featured on it. Also, Trey just started a new series. What are you doing on the Facebooks and the YouTube?

Oh, well, I mean, it ain't. We're just about to start filming it, but yeah. Oh, I meant the stuff that you've currently been doing, the Fox News stuff. Oh, yeah, I'm doing a Fox News watch-along every day of the week. Yeah. Because I don't value my sanity. So, yeah, check that out.

It's called bubble busting. There you go. Into the Abisket, I-N-T-O-T-H-E, B-I-S-C-U-I-T-U-I-T on Twitter and Instagram. And I can't stress enough. Please go join, subscribe to YouTube.com slash well-read comedy. We're putting up old podcast clips like the best of. We're also, every single new episode is going to be broadcast in its entirety. So check that out.

Share with your friends. Love you. And, uh, skew. Gochie. Thank you all for listening to the well-read show. We love to stick around longer, but we got to go. Tune in next week if you got nothing to do. Thank you, God bless you, good night and skew.

One, two, three, four. Mercy, mercy, fart on me. That's the way that love should be. Baby, you're the only one I see. So mercy, mercy, mercy fart on me. Everybody now. Mercy, mercy, fart on me. That's the way that love should be.

Baby, you're the only one I see. So mercy, mercy, fart on me. Why don't you fart on me? Oh, come on now, good Lord. I'd hope we're done it there at the end there, Billy. Just gotta always have a last damn word, don'ty. Can we take it from the top one more time? I believe I can fart better than that.

Well, what a lovely surprise to get to the end of this episode and realize that that was the debut of Mercy, Mercy, Mercy, Fart on Me. I hope y'all enjoyed this well-read classic. And remember, if you want bonus stuff from your boy, the Cho, Corey Ryan Forster, please subscribe over at part-time funnyman.com. I write stuff, I read stuff, I do podcasts, I do videos. It's a whole lot of fun. Subscribe to part-time funnyman.com, $5 a month, but if you can't afford it,

just go ahead and take it for free. Love you, see you, bye.