We're All Insane - 15 Years of Porn Addiction

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

Being addicted to pornography, commonly referred to as a "porn addiction," is a condition where an individual exhibits a compulsive and unhealthy dependency on pornography. This addiction can manifest as an inability to control one's consumption of explicit sexual material, leading to negative consequences in various aspects of life, including relationships, work, and personal well-being. Emmanuel found himself trapped in the relentless grip of addiction to pornography. His life had spiraled into a dark abyss, where he spent countless hours consumed by explicit images and videos, neglecting his responsibilities, and damaging his relationships with family and friends. This addiction had a stranglehold on his mind and soul, leaving him feeling empty, ashamed, and disconnected from the world around him. This man's story serves as a reminder that, with the help of a higher power and the support of a loving community, even the most profound and challenging addictions can be overcome Landing page link: https://www.teamvulnerable.com/30dayprogram STATS LINK: https://www.teamvulnerable.com/stats If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Oh, actually, I want to pray before we get started. Is that all right? Yes, of course. Lord, I just lift up this time. I just thank you. you for just bringing us all here. I thank you for Devor and what she's doing with this show and how she's just helping so many people overcome different addictions and different problems and different traumas and different pain. And I just pray that you can continue to bless her show

and just help countless lives. So we just lift up this time that we have together. And I just pray that you can give us the words that we need to say, have us not say what we don't need to say. And just everything we do let it honor you. In your name we pray. Amen. Amen. All right. All right. So for me, my story is, is, you know, I know some people come on here and they have like really, really traumatic stories and childhood. And it's like, you know, I woke up and every day all I had to eat was a knuckle sandwich from my dad, you know, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And it's like, my life was actually really, really good. And, you know, my story of being a porn addict for 15 years is a story that

no matter how good or bad your life is, you can fall prey to addiction if you're not prepared, if you're not ready and you don't protect yourself in the right ways. And so for me, my story starts off, you know, early on in childhood about first grade. I remember I wasn't doing that well in school and my parents were like, there's something wrong with this kid. And so they took me to the doctors and the doctors are like, he's got ADD, dyslexia, short-term memory. And, you know, he's kind of an idiot. You know, there was no classification for exactly what I had, but that was so much, so many words. So I get put on like every medical. there was out there and like every six months I would try something new. Some would make me happy,

someone would make me sad, depressed, angry, tired, not tired, hungry, not hungry. And it did help me in school though. And from a very early age, I just felt like I needed this thing to be like everyone else, to be normal. And that kind of just planted a seed inside of me very early on. Now, in addition to all that I was being bullied at the school that I was at. So my parents took me out, put me in a private Christian school. Things really turned around, doing well in school, making friends. So flash forward to eighth grade now. We're in our sex ed class. And they're saying, don't do it, don't think about it, don't even try it. And I'm like, what is it? Why not? And why would God create this thing? If I'm not supposed to be doing it, you know, why would he have done that? And so I had a lot

of questions at that time. And at that same time, I was getting really invested in basketball. And I was At 13 years old, I was six feet tall, I could dunk a basketball, and I had a mustache. I was very mature from my age at that point. And I decided at that point, instead of going to the private high school that my friends were going to, I said, you know, why don't I go to the public high school, get more exposure? Maybe I could play in college one day or the pros. And the other reason why I chose to go to the public high school was because right around during that time, that's when the recession hit. And I didn't get a lot of information from my family on how we were doing financially. I was just told, thank you for cutting back.

Thank you for understanding. And I'm like, cutting back, understand. Like, what are y'all talking about? What's going on? You know? And it wasn't until one day I had a friend who came over and he said, do you want to put Mentos in soda? And I don't know if you've ever done this before, but it explodes.

And it's awesome and it's amazing. And for, you know, a young kid, you know, that's all you can dream for. So I call my mom and I'm like, Mom, I heard about this thing. You put soda in Mentos and it explodes. And it's amazing. And she just like cuts me off mid-sentence. She's like, Manny. your dad lost his job. We don't have money for soda and mentos and frivolous things like that.

And that hit me like a bomb. And that was the first time that I dealt with financial insecurity in my life. And we were living in a beautiful home and a beautiful neighborhood. But all of a sudden, it felt like at any moment we could be out on the streets. And so for me and my mind, I got into this mindset of I now need to make it to the NBA to help save my family. And also, I'm an idiot without these pills. So I'm not even going to be able to get a job if I don't make it to the NBA. I better work really, really hard at this. And so from the ages about 13 to 18, I would shoot a thousand shots a day, which would take me about two and a half to three and a half hours to do. So it was a very, very scary time. But I just said, I'm going to do everything I can to

make this thing happen. So flash forward to getting to high school. And one of the things I noticed very on is I was doing well in the ladies department. And that might have been because I was taller than everyone and, you know, had facial hair. And what was so funny about it is very early on, I would tell all the girls that I met, hey, just so you know, I don't have sex because I'm a Christian and Christians don't have sex before marriage. So you did grow up religious. I did grow up. Oh, yeah. And went to a private Christian school all growing up. And so now I'm in the public high school. And so I'm letting the girls know. I don't even know what sex is, by the way, at that time.

I'm just like, I don't do it. So don't even try it. Put them in their place. Right. So then high school is starting to end, and I didn't grow any taller. I was a good basketball player, but I wasn't going to be playing in college, and I wasn't going to be making it the pros. And now that two and a half, three and a half hours that was spending on basketball each

day, now that was just gone. And I just had this huge void in my life. And this is really where my porn journey began. I remember the first time I saw porn. I grew up like most millennials. We had one home computer. I had two older sisters, a younger brother, mom and a dad. And so very rarely did I have the house to myself.

But this one day I did. And so I ran to the computer, type in the word, boobs. And I'm looking at the images. And I'm like, wow. And then I look down. I'm like, wow, wow, wow. And I'm like, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. I'm just sitting there.

And so I'm like, maybe I'll just touch. You know what? No, no, no, I'll just tap it. And I literally just go tap. Boom, Oppenheimer explosion. And I'm like, oh my gosh, what just happened? I'm freaking out, close the tab, clean up, run to my room. And I'm like, I feel like I just discovered fire. And at the same time, like, I did something that I wasn't supposed to at that moment. So in my mind, I said, you know, it's okay because my parents did a really good job of insulating us from a lot of, you know, things in the world. And I'm like, you know, this probably won't even happen again. when am I going to get the house to myself again?

Literally, like a month later, I get handed an iPod video and a laptop. I guess they're having a sale at the Apple store. And I'm asked, are you good? Can you handle this? And I'm like, oh, I'm good. I think I'm all set. So they closed the door.

I start looking up pouring right away. And at first, it felt very tame. It felt very in control. But very early on, it started getting more and more extreme, more and more frequent. And I started noticing some changes very early on. One of them was that I was keeping names of porn stars on my phone and the names just kept growing and growing and growing. And it started to spill into my regular life where someone would be talking about a movie that they saw.

They'd be like, oh, what was that movie with that actress? Bridget. And instead of saying Bridget Jones, I would say, was it Bridget this? Was it Bridget that? Was it Bridget? And it's like all porn stars names. And I'm like, Mani, you got to stop. This is getting bad.

The second thing I noticed was I developed what I call an extra. X X-X-X-ray vision where when you're watching porn, the woman comes on screen and you're just lusting over her. And you're just imagining her, what does she look like without her clothes on? What does she look like doing all these sex acts? And then that starts to carry over into your regular life where someone just walks in front of you. You just start doing the same thing. And that's a very scary thing because you're not even in control of that.

So whoever walks in front of you, you're starting to do that with. And that was not a fun situation. And then I also started noticing, I remember I was driving home from school. one day and I was like, I can't even wait to get home. I need to start looking this up now. I'm driving home. I'm swerving on the road. I'm putting other people in danger. I'm putting myself in danger. And I was going, whoa, I don't think I'm calling the shots anymore at that point. So my senior year ends. I don't make it to the pros. I didn't make it to college to play basketball. I become very depressed. I'm moving to my parents' basement. I enroll in community college and I get a

job at Jamba Juice only by threat of eviction. Did I do those things? And start drinking and smoking, you know, copious amounts of weed. And I just became very, very depressed during that time. And my one, you know, thing I was noticing is I'm like, you know, man, you just got to get rid of this porn thing. You got to do whatever you can. And I remember one day I was like, you know what, I'm just going to smash my iPhone. I'm just going to get rid of this thing. And then this will be all done. So I went outside to smash it on rocks. I'm like, yes, I'm free. And the next day, I find porn. And I was like, you know what? This is a real problem. And I started noticing it, you know, the one back up a second, the one bright spot I had in my life going on at that time was I was still doing well in the ladies department.

And, you know, I started to notice, though, how it was affecting my relationships. And one of the ways was ED, which is erectile dysfunction. And I remember the first time it happened, I was like, uh, uh, uh, oh, this is embarrassing. And I was like, you know, it wasn't me. It was her. You know, she's not good enough looking. It's, you know, so then it starts happening again. And again, and one really embarrassing time I remember, I was going to community college with this one girl and we really liked each other and we're about to start dating. And by the way, backing up a second. When I was in high school, I said, I'm not going to have sex. I'm never going to have sex before marriage. I'm not doing that. I started watching more and more porn and my standards just started slowly slipping. I'm like, you know, why should I not be able to do this thing? And it looks like they're having a pretty good time on the screen. Why don't I have a pretty good time as well? Right. So my standards start slipping. I'm like, I'm going to start having sex.

So I start having ED, one of the embarrassing moments as well. I have this girl community college. We're getting things going with our relationship. And I remember she comes over. Things are getting hot and heavy. And she pulls it out. And it is limp. It is flaccid.

It is not throbbing. And it felt like it was about yay big. And for those visually impaired listeners, I am pointing at the small part of my pinky right now. And I remember going to school the next day with her. and all of a sudden she wasn't that interested in dating me anymore. And was that the first girl that you were going to try to have sex with? No, there was a number of situations before that happened, humble brag. But like every time you were experiencing.

Yeah. It was almost every single time. Okay. And you think that was because your expectations were so high from porn? From watching porn, even from very early on there. it just started instantly affecting how it's performing in the bedroom. And it was like, well, because you're seeing these things on the screen, and then when you get into real life, and you're only having one girl,

and it's not exactly how you want it, it just starts to mess with your mind. And it's actually called porn-induced ED is what it is. Yeah. And so I get back to school that next day, and all of a sudden she just wants to be friends. And I'm like, you know, I thought we had a good thing going. And she said, I'm not that interested. And we had a bunch of mutual friends. And all of a sudden, they don't want to hang out with me.

and they're kind of snickering. And I'm like, they're probably over there laughing at me. Like, there goes micro penis manny, you know. And it's just like, that was embarrassing. Yeah. And the one I was most ashamed of, though, when it came to ED, was I remember because porn was teaching me, you can have whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want it. I remember one of my friends went out of town for work.

And I just started texting his girlfriend. And I'm like, I just want to have her. Not because I'm interested in her, just because the idea of I can take. I can have whatever I want. So I go over there. And, of course, that. ED starts flaring up. She's crying. I run out of there and she tells her boyfriend and I had to deal with that whole situation. So that was absolutely not a good time. So after experiencing this a bunch,

I was like, I don't want that to happen anymore. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to not jerk off or not look at porn before I have one of these potential sexy moments. And the most I could go in this 15 year stretch of being a porn addict was about five days. And that's probably being generous. So I remember I would do that. And then what would happen is it was almost worse because then I would start lasting for like 45 minutes. And it sounds like that'd be a good thing. But what happens is she doesn't feel beautiful. She's wondering why can't he get off? And she's, you know, struggling with her self-worth. And for me, I'm lasting for 45 minutes. It's not like I'm in ecstasy over there. It's pretty numb down there. And so that was a not good situation as well. So I just remember during this time, I was just totally

depressed. Like I said, and during that period, I even flunked out of community college. Remember at my lowest, you know, just pulling into a parking lot and just put my head on the steering wheel and just crying. And I looked up. I saw this really tall building in front of me and I'm considering jumping at that point. And something inside of me was just saying, just give it one more day. Just give it one more day. That building isn't going anywhere. You can come back. And I went home that day. I talked to my dad and he saw that I was really, really struggling and he comforted me and he let me know that he loved me and it was going to be okay. But, you know, I was just in a bad place and I was just very, very depressed. And that kind of leads into me and my worst relationship

that I had. There was this girl that I was working with. And for all intents and purposes, she just said, you can do whatever you want. And in my mind, I'm like, this is amazing. Now I can act out all the things that I've seen in porn. I can do whatever I want. And very early on, you know, it was just very, very, very scary, very, very evil. And it was just very, very, very disturbing. And there was times where I was, you know, terrified of what I was doing and what she was doing. And it was just really, really bad. And I remember finding out a little bit after that that she was seeing a couple of other guys that we were working with. She was also sleeping with them. And I remember just coming home that night after finding that out and just crying in my room and just

realizing that, oh, this is why God didn't want me to have sex. It's not because he's the fun police, which is what I thought he was. He loved me. He cared about me. He wanted what was best for me. And I finally learned that lesson. And another reason why he didn't want me to have sex was about two weeks later, I'm taking a shower and, you know, I looked down and you guessed it, bumps on the genitals. And I'm like, you got to be kidding me. No way. So I call her. I'm like, what did you do? What did you give me? I can't believe this, all this stuff. And she's like, I don't have anything. So you got that from someone else. I was like, no, I did not. I had to have gotten up from you. And so I run over to Planned Parenthood and I'm sitting in the waiting room and

I'm sitting there with the teenage pregnant moms. I'm sitting there with these old men who have all these different diseases. And I'm just going, how did I get here? How did I get here? I have amazing parents. I had amazing schooling. I had all these friends, lofty goals. And now I'm sitting here in my early 20s getting, you know, this STD check.

And I just threw out one of those Hail Mary prayers, right? Where I just said, God, you know, if you can save me from this, I'll give you whatever you want. I'll give you whatever you want. Just save me right now and I'll give you whatever. And right after that, I get called back in. the examination room. I dropped the pants. They're doing the little exam. And the doctor says, well, you got molestum. And I'm like, oh, gosh, dog. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast.

Every week, we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week, we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to true crime news available now wherever you get your podcasts. I've never even heard of that. Oh, I had an either, and I said, Doc, how long do I got? You know, is this like, I'm going to live for two more weeks? He's like, no, you're fine. It's just a skin rash. It's going to be nothing. Like, I'll get you a cream. You'll be all set. And I'm like, the prayer was answered. This is amazing. I'm all excited.

but here's how also the prayer was answered. So right after that, he goes, the thing about it is, though, is that it's extremely contagious. So if you touch it and then you touch someone else, it'll spread to them, it'll spread to different parts of your body, so you've got to wash your hands thoroughly,

anytime you touch yourself. And then also you can't shave. Now, here's why this was a big deal. The job I was working at at the time, I had to be clean shaven for work. And so in effect, I had just lost my job. I had lost my ability to be with women,

to have that physical connection, I lost my ability to play basketball, which is one of my only other bright spots I had going on. And I remember driving home and going, wow, this prayer is coming to fruition, like all the things that I prayed for. And then I walked into the house that I was living at. And I was living with a couple college roommates at the time. I walk in. I see one of my roommate's little brother. He's in the kitchen having like a party.

I was like, dude, what's up? What's going on? He's like, we're having a party. I was like, what's going on? He's like, dude, we're moving in. I was like, what? He's like, yeah, we're moving in. And in two weeks, you're getting kicked out.

out. And so we're having a party. And I was like, what? And so I went to my room and I'm like, I just lost my job, girls, basketball, my house. And I realized that this was from God. This is just some coincidence. And so I prayed to the Lord and I just said, God, just give me direction, just whatever you want with my life. Just take it. It's yours. And so a couple weeks later, I get this call for my dad. And he says, do you want to go on a business real estate cruise? Have you ever heard of such a thing? A business real estate cruise. Yeah. Me neither. And so I'm like, oh, sure. And so I go on this cruise and I am totally inspired.

I meet all these amazing people. It's just awesome. I land back on shore. And I just go, you know what? I'm going to get my life back together. I go out. I get my college degree. I got a degree in exercise of wellness, which is a degree on how to get a six-pack

essentially. And then I start reading everything on personal development and business and real estate. And then I'm like, I got all this knowledge. I got all these skills. What should I do? So I called the richest man I knew, which was a friend's dad from growing up. and multimillionaire, I'm like, what should I do? And he's like, you know, you should actually go talk to your dad because, you know, your dad has this really cool thing going on. And my dad,

after he had lost his job during the recession, he had tried a number of different businesses. And, you know, a lot just didn't pan out and they just kind of fizzled away. And but then he ran across this one business. It's called residential assisted living. So it's like a nursing home in a house, in a neighborhood. And he was making a lot of money and he was helping a lot of people. And I was like, dad, like, I want to learn how to do this. Can you show me how to do it? And he was teaching classes on how to do it at the time. So I go out to one of the classes, totally inspired. I'm like, dad. I'm in. You tell me what you need me to do. I'm ready. And he's like, well, I don't have a job for you or anything like that, but our students need houses to do this in. And so if you want to go

find them some homes or some off market deals, then maybe you could do that. And so I go home, I get my real estate license. I start cold calling hundreds of care homes every single day. And all a sudden, my financial life just starts to flourish. And it was just this amazing turnaround that I was having, which leads me to when I met the love of my life, Becca. So then I meet Becca. We go on a blind date and right from the beginning, I knew that there was something special about this girl. She ended up being my next-door neighbor, and we hung out every single day, every single moment we could for the first six months. There wasn't a single day that we didn't spend with each other. And I just knew very early on. I said, this is the woman I want to be with. This is the woman I want to marry. And, you know,

the thing about it was I had given everything to the Lord. And I said, you can have it all, everything except for one thing, which is porn. Because I was like, God, come on. You're expecting me not to have sex and not to watch porn. Come on. Like, seriously. But the thing about it was is that I really felt like, you know, I'm really righteous in what I'm doing. I'm not having sex. I'm just watching porn. I'm not like those other guys who are going out to strip clubs or getting prostitutes. But what's funny about it is when you think about it, what is porn but filmed prostitution? And how is a guy going to a strip club and watching a couple of women dance in a darkly lit room worse than me watching tens, if not hundreds of women, perform extreme sex acts in a given evening?

And so regardless of that, I said, I'm getting married. I don't need porn anymore. So I'm going to get rid of this thing for good. I said, three months before we get married, I'm done. And it's like two months before we get married, I'm done. One month, one week, and then it's the night before, and I still remember the scene that I watched the night before our wedding. Now, when we got married, we had this incredible wedding. It was fairy tale-esque. It was just so awesome. But when we went to the honeymoon suite, I had ED. And she's crying, and, you know, I just fell to my heart. I'm like, you got to tell her. And I just said, Becca, it's not because of you. You're beautiful.

You're an angel. I love you. You're so sexy. It's me. I've been watching porn for so long and it's just affected my body. And that's what's going on. And in that moment, I said, I was sorry. But I didn't say I wanted to quit.

I just said, I'm sorry. And for the next three years of Beck and I's relationship, for her on her end, she just, you know, slid this under the rug and she just didn't want to pretend it was an issue. And she just said, you know, go fix it on your own. And just that's what she did. And for me on my end, I said, you know, I can. you know, I can still watch porn. As long as I can have sex with Becca once or twice a week, I can keep up this charade.

And for me to justify watching porn for those years, what I would do is, is I would look for a reason to get upset with Becca so I could go justify jerking off. So we might, I might go out there and like, hey, what's going on? What do you want to watch for TV? And she's like, well, I'm thinking about this show. Oh, that show? Are you kidding me? You want to watch that? We watched that show last week.

When am I going to get a picture? You know what? I'll be back and I go jerk off. And then I jerk off and I'd feel bad about it. And then I'd say, oh, I need a reason to justify what I just did so that I'd look for another reason to get mad at her. So she's like, hey, you know, I put the spaghetti away. I didn't know when you were going to be out. You're in the room for a while.

You put the spaghetti away. Are you kidding me? I'm hungry. And now I've got to warm it up and take it out and put it out. Don't you ever think about someone but yourself? And I was just angry. I was a monster. I was just paranoid.

I was just terrible to live with. And she started noticing things like we'd be watching a show. And there'd just be an actress. you know, do something, just show any type of emotion that I didn't like, and I would just get up. And I just start screaming at the TV like, I can't believe her. I hate her. Isn't she the worst? I, oh, my goodness. And Peckis like, what is your deal? And she's like, you never yell any guys, but you will yell at women on the screen. Like, what are you some type of sexist or something? I'm not some type of sexist. Like, what are you even talking about? And I didn't even realize

how much porn was warping my brain of just like, no, women are objects. Women shouldn't have emotions. They just do whatever I want, whenever I want. And it was even so bad. I had this unofficial list of just women that I just hated. On the top of the list, one of the women was Jennifer Gardner. Okay, why Jennifer Gardner? What could I tell you I didn't like about her? I don't know.

I don't know why she was in the top of the list. But, you know, that's how warped the mind was. I was just like, there's something about her. I just don't like it and all this stuff. And, you know, one of the craziest things is that, you know, there was a genre. of sex. I only saw a handful of times right towards the end when I was watching porn, but porn warps our minds. And there was this one genre called, I don't even know what to call it, but it's just like women are object sex. And I remember this one scene I saw where there's two women, they're

talking at a table, they're like having breakfast or something. And then a man just walks in the room and just starts having sex with one of them, but she's not even reacting to it. And it's like, well, that's weird. I'm like, maybe I smoke too much weed and that's why I'm just weirded out. there's a weird scene. And he starts having sex with the other woman. And then he finishes and then scenes over. And I'm like, okay, that was weird. I watch another video.

It's the same genre. And it's like the similar thing going on. And I realized that, oh my gosh, in the time from when I started watching porn to now, there's been this new genre that's been created that women are just objects. And we just want them exactly how we want them in this way. And it was just a really, really sick thing seeing that. So as I mentioned, during this time, I was angry as paranoid. But on the outside, everything looked really good because I'm making all this.

money, we're going on fancy vacations, we even got a little bit of fame, and, you know, thinking we're going really, really well from the outside. But on the inside, you know, I really kind of felt like I was a PG version of the Wolf on Wall Street. An example that was, I remember one day, I made $120,000 on a real estate deal, and I was sitting in my car, and I was just looking at it, and I felt nothing inside. And in my head, I would say, well, that's because it's $120,000. If it was 1.2, then you'd be happy. And if you drank more, then you'd be happy or smoke more, or watch more crazy stuff, then you'd be happy. And during that time, I just never felt like I was present. I was always just looking for the next thing. Once I get the next thing, then I'll be

happy. And a good example of that is, as well, too, is I was asked to do a TED talk, a TEDx talk in a suburb of Amsterdam. And I do this TED talk, and it's how I became a millionaire before I was like 27 or 28. I don't even know how old I was when that happened. But I do this talk, and the second I'm done with the talk, I run off stage, I go to the bars, I have six, seven beers, I go to the coffee shops, which is where you can smoke weed in Amsterdam. I have two or three blunts, then I run home, and then I start jerking off to porn instead of having sex with my beautiful wife. And my relationship with God during that time was not I hate you God or I disown you or anything like that. It was just, hey, God, thank you so much for saving me back then with that

whole molestum situation. I really appreciate that, but I got it now. I'm kind of invincible. I've made all this money. I don't really need you anymore. And anything, that you taught or anything you put in the good book, I'll just take those as suggestions and I'll let you know if I need you, but I'm good. And I remember another thing I would say during that time is just I won the game of life. You know, I got this beautiful wife, made all this money,

you know, fame, traveling all the world, been skydiving a college degree and I'm like, what else is there in this life? Is this all that this life has to offer? So flash forward, it's very early on in COVID. I'm now 210 pounds for reference. I'm 170 pounds right now, and this is, I'm 210 pounds. This is after I get the degree on how to have a six-pack, and that is not 210 pounds

of muscle. That night, I remember I was drinking a couple bottles of wine, having a couple of weed gummies, and I'm planning on going to go jerk off. And Beck, in so many words, says, do you want to go have sex? And this is how screwed up my mind had become. I said, you know, I'm pissed off at you because I want to go look at porn and you're ruining my plans for the evening. But I just said, you know what, it's fine, go to the bedroom, start trying to have sex.

It's not working. So I try harder. It's not working. I'm having the ED problems. And eventually I just said, you know what, Becca? You're the problem here. You're the issue. You're the reason why I can't get things going.

And she's crying and I'm screaming at her. And I storm out of the room. I slam the door. And I just go to our living room and I just sit down on the couch. I put my hands on my head. And I just said, God, I need help. Help me, God. And in that moment, I just felt the Lord put on my heart.

He just said, go to Becca and ask for that help. And in that moment, That was the absolute last thing that I wanted to do, but I knew that's what I needed to do. And so I got up, I went into the room and I just said, Becca, I'm sorry, I had this serious problem, but I love you more than this issue and I want to overcome this, but I cannot do this on my own. Will you help me overcome this addiction? And to my surprise, she said yes. And that period of our lives was very, very tough because we felt very alone.

On my end, I'm like, what should I share with her? How am I supposed to overcome this? For her, she's like, how do I support my husband overcoming addiction? And anytime you look up anything online, it's like, if your husband watches porn, that means he's cheating on you, that means you're getting a divorce. That means your life is over. And so we didn't know where to go for guidance during this time, but two things that we found out during this period was one, is that addiction dies in the light.

When it is exposed to the light, it cannot survive in that environment. And the second thing that we found out is your spouse can be your ultimate accountability. partner. There's no one that cares about you that's more invested in your life that wants you to overcome this more than your spouse. And those are two things that we found out during this period. Now, flash forward a little bit, all of a sudden out of the blue, my dad, who was the head of the company that we were working at, he just passes away. And all of a sudden, I get moved into the CEO role of a 40-person company, 10, 12 million dollar a year company. And I'm sitting at his funeral and I'm looking at all these people who came to support my father. And I'm going,

my dad did what he was supposed to do with his life. He ran his race. But I started to ask the question, is this what I'm supposed to do with my life? Am I supposed to lead this company? And during that next period, I remember the Lord just putting on our hearts to just walk away and trust in him. And as I mentioned, I was the God of my own universe. Well, I don't really need you.

And so I would say back to God, I'm like, well, God, tell me what you want me to do. And then I'll let you know. I'll kind of like weigh those options. I'll let you know if that's the right thing. And, you know, the Lord just kept putting this on our heart. And eventually I just had to have that moment where I just said, you know what, instead of being the God of the universe, I'm going to let the God of the universe be the God of the universe and I'm going to play my role in his plan. And I said, Becca, you know, we can be like Jonah, which if you've never

heard the story of Jonah, God calls Jonah out to go speak to a city that was very wicked and Jonah runs in the opposite direction. He sends a whale to eat him essentially and spits him up on the shore. And I'm like, Becca, we can follow God or he's going to send a whale. We got to do this eventually. And so Beck and I walk away from the company. and about two weeks later, we're at a dinner, we're just having a little date, and almost at the same time, we feel this calling on our heart, we look up at each other, we go, I know exactly what God wants us to do. And we both almost say at the same time, it's God wants us to help couples overcome porn use as a team. And when that happened, that was like such a cool moment, but it was also incredibly scary because I'm like, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a psychologist, and I'm still kind of struggling with this a little bit. Like, I have porn blockers on my phone, but if those porn blockers weren't there, I kind of feel like an animal in a cage, like I might be wild, you know?

And so I was very just, what am I supposed to do with this? And a couple days later, I'm working on, and I just remember it was like a lightning bolt hit me from above, and it just fell to my knees. And I felt the Lord say, raise up an army to fight this evil power. And in that moment, I realized that this was God who was telling us to do this. and I just said, you know, if God is with us, then no one can stand against us. And it's not that we're qualified to do this, is that we're called to do this. And the Lord is going to point us in the right direction. He's going to tell us what to do, and all we need to do is follow him.

So Beck and I start researching everything there is on addiction and porn addiction and sex addiction and all this stuff. And one of the very first things that we found out is that porn is nothing but a pain reliever. A pain that's going on its side, a trauma, hurts. And some people, they use alcohol, some people, it's drugs, some people, it's hamburger, some people it's Netflix and some people it's porn. And that made sense when I read that, but I'm like, the problem is I don't have any pain in my life. My life is awesome.

Got amazing parents, got this amazing job, got this amazing wife, it got this amazing life. Like, what pain are we even talking about? But then as I started to peel back the layers of the onion, I remembered back to when I was in first grade and when I was being bullied and when I was put on all those medications. And what happened during that period of time was I felt like I'm only successful because I have this drug. I'm only successful because someone's tutoring me. I'm only successful because of this.

And I had grown this imposter syndrome where I never felt like I was worthy of anything I had achieved. So the more success I was getting, the more I felt like I didn't deserve it. I was not worthy. And I was trying to push those emotions away. And also during the recession, when we lost everything, I developed this scarcity mindset that was, you know, you could lose it all in a moment. So you need to make more and more.

And so the more money I made, I was like, yes, you just need more. And then you'll be okay. And then you'll feel better. But then I've become worried about now I'm going to lose it all. And now I'm going to, so that scarcity mindset. And then just for 15 years of watching porn and just whittling away my self-esteem and my self-worth and my self-confidence, it wasn't until I took the time to just work on those emotional issues that was finally able to just have complete freedom from porn.

Not I'm resisting it, no freedom. And I was able to turn that paranoia and that anger into peace and to joy. I was able to turn the low self-esteem into confidence. I lost 40 pounds in this process. This is a trigger warning if you're watching ladies on the screen. I apologize. I'll just put that up there for a 40 pounds in the process. And I was able to finally love myself and accept love from other people because if you don't love yourself,

it doesn't matter how much love you're getting on the outside. You're never going to be able to accept it. And most important, Beck and I's love life grew to levels that I never could have imagined and her love connection and intimacy is just off the charts. And we really found that this process is all about just taking a boy or a girl who runs away from their problem and runs to a pain reliever. And it's about helping them overcome those challenges, stand up to their problems and face them head on and not run away. And so as Beck and I started researching more and more and more, we came across a lot of things on how porn was affecting relationships and society and large. And I just want to share some stats right here.

And I'll put these in the show notes. So if someone's like, where did you get those stats? Well, you can check out all this, all the sources right here. But porn has been shown to affect relationships in different ways. It's been shown to cause E.D. Destroy marriages. Increase rape myth acceptance is a training ground for sexual violence and fuels the child sex trafficking trade. So I want to jump into these for a sec.

40 million adults visit porn sites on a regular basis. 10% of adults consider themselves to have porn addictions. That means 11 to 12 hours a week. of watching porn. Most pastors, 57% and youth pastors, 64% admit they've struggled with porn either currently or in the past. So this isn't exactly news that everybody is watching porn. We all kind of understand that. But here's how it starts to affect relationships. Between 1948 and 2002, historical rates for men under 40 were 2 to 3% and they did not rise steeply until after 40. However, since 2010, six studies have shown rates of 14 to 33% in young men, a 1,000% increase.

So if you notice, when you see those hymns ads everywhere, it's all millennials in those commercials. It's not a 70-year-old man that they're promoting, hey, have more fun in the bedroom. It's always like a 25-year-old, and it's like, why does the 25-year-old need that help? And that's because they're having porn-induced erectile dysfunction. Now, ED is bad, but what about watching so much porn that now you're not even interested in having sex? You just want to watch the screen. In Japan, 2010 polls showed a trend that 36% of men aged 16 to 19 had no interest in sex, and that was more than doubled the 17.5% from 2008.

And you might be saying, well, that's Japan. And that's the other side of the world. And they got a different culture. And they're different over there. Well, okay, fair enough. In France, a 2008 survey showed that 20% of those 18 to 24 had no interest in sex. Now, this is France people. This is where they invented sex.

That's all they do over there is have sex. And 20% of people, 18 to 24, have no interest in sex. Now, obviously, if you can't get it up, you're not interested in having a relationship. That's going to start doing things to different people. So this is from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. In 2002, lawyers were surveyed, and they claimed that an obsessive interest in internet porn was a significant factor in 56% of their divorce cases the prior year. That was 2002, when we had no key of bricks, right?

Now we have supercomputers in our pockets. And who's watching this stuff? Well, kids, one out of every 10 porn users is 10 or younger. And when we're talking about porn, we're not just talking about, oh, a pair of boobs and, you know, something like that. 88% of porn scenes contain physical aggression. What does that actually mean? Choking, slapping, spitting, hitting, and more.

49% of porn scenes contain verbal aggression. What does that actually mean? Bitch, cum, slut, whore, racial, slurs and plenty more. Adolescents who viewed intentionally violent porn were almost six times more likely to report sexually aggressive behaviors than those who had not. So when we talk about how far this rabbit hole goes, you know, when anyone starts watching porn, it always starts pretty much the same way. I'm just looking up, you know, one image, then it's a couple images, then it's a video, then it's a couple more videos, and it's a more extreme video, and that's because

the brain loves novelty. And the first time you see something, it's very exciting, and then you get a little desensitized to it, you want to go a little bit further, a little bit further, a little bit further. And one of the most common phrases that people who watch porn that they say is that I don't even like what I'm watching, but I want it for some reason. I don't know where this is coming from. And what happens when you're watching porn, you know, you might see something really scary on the screen. And if you're in a hypersexualized state and you see something scary, well, these neurons that are firing together are wiring together. And now all of a sudden, when you see that scary thing, it's like, why do I have a boner now? That I, you know, it's like, what do these things

have to do with each other and they just start going further and further and further. So this is some crazy statuary here. 20.7% of straight men viewed gay porn in the past six months. Pretty wild. But what is the most popular of all searches, though? An analysis of 400 million web searches from 2009 to 2010 neuroscientists concluded that the most popular sexual searches online by a huge margin is youth. So I have a little exercise for you.

put this picture up on the screen. For those who you are visually impaired or watching on the podcast, Devorah will describe what she's thinking out here. How old would you say this girl is right here? God, times are so different now. Um, God. Best guess. What do you got? 22. 22? What would you say? She definitely looks like she could be in her 20, but I mean, I would think it's going to be something crazy. Oh, 17, 30. Here's the thing. Nobody in this entire. room knows how old that girl is. And when that's kind of the whole point, right, is because when people are watching porn, they don't know. They're not checking birth certificates before they watch that scene. And so they may be watching a crime and they don't even know it. And I work

with people now to help them overcome porn addictions and different things like that. And, you know, sometimes people say, well, I just watch legal teen porn. There's nothing against the law. There's nothing wrong with that. I say, hey, okay, got you. So hypothetically, if I showed you 17, year old who was 364 days old and she consented willingly accepted to do a gang bang and recorded it would you throw up if I showed you that video that day and then the next day it's her birthday she shoots the same scene consents to it would you lust over it would you jerk off to it would you just absolutely love it and when I just say that to people all of a sudden they just go oh my gosh and they don't even realize how just slowly porn just starts chipping away chipping away

And for some people, they say, well, it's an 18-year-old. Well, it's a 17-year-old. Well, come on. She wants it. And well, oh, well, it's 16. Well, come on. It was just one video. And then it's all of a sudden, it's lower, lower, lower, and lower.

And people start going down rabbit holes that they never could have imagined. And a lot of times when we think of the human trafficking industry, the child porn industry, we think of it. It's just like, it's this tiny thing. It's nobody. It's nothing. Well, it said in the U.S., the porn industry is a $16 billion industry. But the child porn industry in the U.S.

It's said to be a $3 billion dollar industry. There are 116,000 inquiries related to child porn received daily. There are estimates that 15,000 to 50,000 women and children are sex trafficked in the U.S. each year and nearly half of sex trafficking victims report that porn was made of them while they were in bondage. Someone today might watch porn and they have no idea that they're fueling the child sex trafficking trade, that they're fueling this human trafficking industry and it's just a really, really sad thing, but when people understand that, they can wake up to it. Now, a couple quick

things right here. How does this happen? How do people get to this point? It all works the same. Rape, cat, rape, culture, and trafficking. Everyone gets through the door the same way. It starts vanilla. Okay, then the mind starts to lose control. It wants a little bit more, a little bit more, and all of a sudden you become trained to do what you see. And this is from a meta-analysis of 46 published studies that were undertaken to determine the effects of pornography on sexual deviancy, sexual perpetration, and attitudes regarding intimate relationships and attitudes regarding the rape myth. For porn users, it was shown that there was a 31% increase in risk of developing sexually deviant tendencies, a 22% increase in risk of committing sexual offenses,

and a 31% increase in risk of accepting rape myth. Now, tell me if you've ever heard any of these before, rape myths. Hey, she was asking for a wearing that. Come on. Hey, she didn't fight it, so it wasn't rape. Hey, she went home with them so it wasn't rape. Hey, she said no, but come on. She meant yes. Here's the good news with everything that I just said. Literally just by speaking up, we can make a difference. This is from the 1980s after the health threats of smoking became widely publicized about half of Americans who had ever smoked addictively quit. And most remarkable of all, more than 90% of them quit without any kind of treatment. Now, when Beck and I, read all this when we learned all this, we said, we need to stand up, we need to speak up,

and we need to try to do whatever we can to make a difference. And so we made a course for couples. We just made one for people who are single that they can go through and overcome porn. But first we made this one for couples. And the first person to get signed it for a course, his name was David. And David was getting married and he said, I need to overcome this problem. At his worst, he was messing up six to ten times a day. And I said, David, You know what you need to do. You need to get the course. You need to get started.

And at the time, I think we were charging a couple grand for the course. And he just said, man, I want to do this. But I literally, I don't have the money. You can check my bank account. I can't do it. And I just felt this calling on my heart. The Lord just saying, just tell him to do whatever he can. Don't worry about it.

And so I said, David, I don't care about your money. I care about you overcoming this. Just do whatever you can. And he says, I got 40 bucks. And I said, well, then you got the course. Let's get started. And so he became the first person who signed up. but here's what's amazing.

I'm talking to him, and I'm like, David, tell me a little bit about yourself. And he goes, well, I'm in the National Guard, and I'm actually staying in the Army Barracks right now. And I go, David, when I started this organization, I felt the Lord put on my heart to say, raise up an army to fight this evil power. And how fitting that the very first person gets signed up, his name is David, God's mighty warrior, who took down Goliath, you're in the National Guard and you're at the Army barracks. And I'm like, if that isn't God, then I don't know what is at that point. But here's what was even more incredible is he goes through the course.

He gets married. They have an amazing marriage. He's quit his job. He's got this way better job. He's making more money. He's in his best shape of his life. And now he's paying it forward to that next person. And it's just been so cool to see that happening.

But once we saw the success that David was having, we just said, you know what? If we have the medicine for the sick and we can help people through this, then why are we waiting until they give us something? Give us the money. And then we'll give you the medicine. We just said, we need to make this thing affordable. So that way, if anyone wants to overcome this, they can. So we went from a for-profit company to a nonprofit company, and we just made the course very affordable

in our very first year of getting started with launching that couples course. We've had over 300 couples from over 25 different countries get started with the course. And we just recently launched our singles course that people are going through now, and that's been going great. But it's just been so cool to see what God has been doing because, you know, I always thought I can't make a difference. I'm just some guy in my bathroom jerking off. What can I do? And once I took that stand, people from all over the world said, you know what, I'm going to take that stand too.

And now they're inspired that next person, that next person, that next person. And just to finish off, I just wanted to share two things. First, I mentioned God a lot, my relationship with Jesus, all of that. If anyone has any questions, put your questions in the comment. Happy to answer anything I can or help you with that. Reach out on Instagram, whatever I can do. I'm happy to share that relationship with Jesus, any questions that you have. But last, I just wanted to say, I don't care if you drink four bottles a jack a day or smoke 25

blunts or jerking off 100 times a day. If you believe that you have a problem, then it's a problem. And I don't care if you call yourself an addict or what. But if you believe you have that problem, then you need to realize that you're not going to beat this thing alone. And you need to be vulnerable and you need to ask for help and get that team around you. And that's their name of our company is team vulnerable. And so if you have that problem, stand up to it, face it because you absolutely can have

freedom, but it's only after you're vulnerable, you put that team around you, and you take those steps of faith. So I just want to say thank you so much for just letting me share the story, and I really appreciate. I've never shared my full story like this in a setting like this. So just thank you for giving us the platform. It just means the world to us. You're incredible. You did such a great job. Thank you. I have a couple of things. I wanted to let you like talk and finish because you were just on a, you were on a roll. I was like, I'm not going to interrupt him. But no, seriously, you did incredible. And that's like to say the least. First off, something that I wanted to mention that you brought up, which is so relatable and such a good point, I feel like people that might not even have addiction with porn or anything would feel this way.

But, you know, I think when you have a connection with someone that, you know, you really build that connection and you love each other. And it's more of that. It's like, how can I wear this? Not really, I guess I could say vanilla. Okay. But it's almost like when you have sex with that person, it feels more pure and more like safe. And then it's like, I feel like there's times that you have sex with people where it might be a one-night stand. Or like you're in your single phase in life and you're just having sex with a bunch of people.

And maybe those sexual experiences are more fun per se and not as vanilla because you're like experimenting and you're doing new things. But like, at least for me, like when I walked nine times out of ten when you walk away from those experiences, you get that like regret feeling or that gross feeling or like, wait, why did I do that? Or I would never do that again. Like, that's how you feel afterwards. It's almost like when people say post not clarity, it's almost like I feel like everybody can feel that in one way or another.

And I feel like that's why, you know, it's so important to have, obviously, we should. should be waiting until we're married. My mom would agree. But I just think that it's so much more meaningful to have that connection and to have that closeness with a person because I do think that sex can be such a pure, beautiful thing, a meaningful thing. But there's that flip side of it where it can be so dark. And it's almost like it brings out that feeling of like addiction that you want to do it

and you want to watch porn, you want to do this because it's almost like you have to to, you're horny or you have to get off or whatever else, but it's like that aftermath is just not a good feeling. Absolutely. And I feel like that's something that so many people have probably felt in one way or another and they just kind of like brush it under the rug and keep it going and don't really make a change. But that was something that stood out to me.

Well, you know, one of the things too I was like to bring up is that doing drugs can be fun, right? All types of things can be fun. Having sex can be fun. If it's a one-night stand, if you're married, if you're whatever. Fun is out of the question. What are we really looking for when it comes to sex? And that was something I had to retrain my mind.

I always thought, I'm just this wild beast that needs to get off all the time. So I go, what do you expect? I'm just a manly man. I need my porn. But really it was I was searching for love, connection, and intimacy. And once I shifted the mindset of that, not only did I just have that beautiful feeling like you're talking about and sex became just so beautiful. Beck and I's entire love life, once I stopped watching porn, just completely changed, just the whole routine, whatever you want

to call it, whatever. It was just about love, connection, and intimacy. We just had that connection. And that was so fun. That's so beautiful. A one-night stand can be fun, right? That's fun is not what we're talking about here. We're talking about that deeper thing. Why are we going to sex in the first place? We want love. We want connection. We want intimacy. Yeah. And I think, too, that also just kind of proves how important it is to be vulnerable, like you said, and open up. And if you really care about yourself and that person that you're with, or even if you aren't with somebody, but like you turn to your family, it's like it shows how important it's that you need that help. And there's nothing wrong with getting help. It's hard to fight battles on our own. And I wanted to mention,

too, the fact that you said you had a really good childhood for the most part. And I think that something that a lot of people don't realize is the smallest things in life can lead us down these addictions and rabiddle. And the thing is, too, there might not even be something specific that happens to us, but we do live in a world where there's a lot of good, but there's also a lot of evil. And I think that if we don't have a good relationship with ourselves and with God or any type of spiritual, whatever people are into, I think it's really, really easy to turn to darkness and to negativity.

And I think a lot of people, like you were saying, they use different coping mechanisms. And I feel like, like you said, everybody in one way wants to feel good. And I think releasing that sexually is a big thing for people. And that's what they turn to. And it's just, I didn't even know that ed, like porn-induced ED was a thing. Really? No. Oh, yeah.

And that's, like, it makes so much sense, though. And I feel like I can only imagine how toxic that can be for the person, but then also in a relationship because it's like not only are your expectations high, but it's like, your partner, I can see how it would make them insecure and to feel like, well, I'm, I can't compete with perfect porn stars and all this. And it's, it's a very tough world. And I think, too, something else I wanted to say, it's not even just porn nowadays. I think now that social media is so prevalent, it's like every day people are scrolling and they're seeing girls just half naked or in their bathing suits. And I think that women, men, whoever, we should be able to post whatever

we want, but at the same time, there's so many people that, we might not even realize, but like it becomes addicting to see what people are posting. And it's like, it's not porn, but it's, it's sexualizing. And it's, it's something that I think can also be really challenging on relationships. And I saw something. I think it was somebody said on a podcast that, you know, times are very different because, and relationships are harder because men and women are always scrolling and it's like you're you're being shown what else is out there but our minds the way it can work it's like like you were saying you can always set your mind up to think well what's the next best thing or what else is there but it's like if you I just feel like we don't live in a world

where we just stop and appreciate and love what we have and like really water the seed that we have it's like we're always trying to like find the next best thing and it's hard because I feel like we do live in a world that's full of opportunity and full of options, but that doesn't mean we need to take every option. Absolutely. And one of the things you said was, you know, I lived a really good life and I did. And I think that's one of the reasons why it took me so long to ask for help. And I don't care who you are. We all have pain and trauma in our lives. And, you know, my pain started from love. My parents loved me. So they took me to the best doctors. They gave me the best medication that was available. And that still, we live in this

evil, broken world, it was able to turn itself into this, you know, bad thing. Yeah. I know in the past. I believe you said you did only fans or you still do it or things like that. So I think one of the things, you know, bringing up of, you know, why do people go to porn in the first place? Why did someone go to only fans? Right? Because they could look up a zillion naked images in the entire world, but someone is willing to pay that person, hey, I want to have that connection with you. I want to have that relationship with you. And that's what we're striving for deeper inside is that love connection and intimacy. And porn just can never give us what we're truly looking for. It's like saltwater. And once you realize you're drinking salt water, it just makes you more thirsty, thirsty,

thirst trap, right? And we're all catching on here. You know, it's like the way to have freedom is just to stop and just to say, you know what, I have pain inside. I don't care if you had the worst life in the world or the best life in the world. We all have pain and trauma. We all need to ask for that help. And, you know, I wanted to ask you, and like I said, you can take this out, whatever you want to do.

No, everything's safe. Don't worry. But I just think, you know, for you, after hearing this stuff, And, you know, being on only fans, you know, what do you think about the idea of you standing up one day? Because I know you said before you wanted to join the FBI. You wanted to make that difference. And I think of the show, it's just beautiful what you've been able to do. Of all these topics, all these underreported things that you bring to the light and all the people that you've helped, I look at this issue.

And I go, you know, you mentioned something. You're like, I wouldn't sit on this chair because I don't have that story to tell. I want to interview someone and this and that. But I think you do have a story to tell. Maybe it's not right now. Maybe it's in 10 years. Maybe it's never. But what about the story of, you know, I would.

was on Onlyfans. And then I learned the truth and I stood up and, you know, I was able to make that difference because I know for me, one of those things, like I mentioned, I just thought I was some guy in the bathroom jerking off. I'm like, what difference can I make? I really can't make any difference. And it's like literally just by standing up to this evil, we've had marriages be repaired. We've had literally, I've worked with people where they've had some scary thoughts. So I'll just leave it at that. And we're having children be saved. We're having marriages be repaired and men becoming their ultimate selves and just being able to love women instead of just see them as objects. But I just wanted to just ask you, you know, just what are your thoughts on

that? If one day that did happen. Yeah. No, and absolutely. And I think too, I, like I was saying before we started filming, I think that I am, everybody has their own opinions in life and on so many different topics, but I think I'm a very open-minded person. And I think that when I first began OnlyFans, my mindset was like, oh, I was, I've always been. an open person. I don't care. Like, I just show my body, whatever. And as I've gotten older and the longer I was doing it and just reading what people would say and then feeling this almost obligation to post my body for money, it was like, it was so draining. And I couldn't even understand why. Like, I'd be like, like, I would cry all the time. I was like, I remember I'll never forget my

boyfriend at the time. I was sitting in front of my garage and I was just bawling. And I was like, I'm so unhappy and I don't get why I'm unhappy because I have all this money and I have a house and I have my pets and like nothing in life was bad. But I felt so drained. I felt so unfulfilled. And thankfully when I started this podcast, my goal has always been that one day, even when I did a podcast with my best friend that the podcast will replace that income and that's the end goal. Not even end goal, but like the first step.

but when this podcast first started for me it kind of not blocked that out but it gave me the fulfillment that I was looking for and currently I'm kind of in this place in my life where I've maneuvered things around and managed to get to a place where OnlyFans is my main source of income and that's what I do right now but I have this which is what I pour all my energy and my mental everything is this like this is what I'm passionate about. out. But to answer your question, where I was when I started OnlyFans, I was very, I was all about it. And as time has gone on and where I am now, I would never look back and say, like even when I'm done with it, I would never look back and say I regret it or anything like that. And if anybody

would choose to do it, that's their choice. But I also can see myself sitting here and say, on the flip side and say why I think you shouldn't. Because honestly, the only, positive is money. That's it. And I just feel like, but like I said, I'm not a judgmental person. So it's almost like I feel like I would never sit there and be like, I think you shouldn't. But I could tell you why, you know, why you should. You know what I mean? I don't see you as a judgmental person. I see you as a loving person, you know, and I think about someone like you, you know, so smart, so beautiful, business-minded, and you could achieve anything you want in this life. And I think, you know, one of the crazy things I didn't mention,

there's some only fan stats. The average only fan account makes 180 per month. The top 1% of only faners make 6,000. So everyone sees like the top one person that's making like $9 million. I don't know who's paying TIGA $9 million a year. Who's on that? Okay. Not me. But, you know, people see that and they just say, oh, okay, well, I'll just do that and all these things. And just being able to be loving to that other person, just say, hey, you know what, you do have the power. have power in our lives. I can use my muscles to rob someone and take money that way. I could use my muscles to protect people. I can use, you know, my power to eat food that's bad for me or good food or, you know, whatever that thing may be, we all have power in this life and we got to go,

how am I going to use this thing ultimately? And I think that's a really cool thing. And what I would just encourage you in is it's not judging, you know, because that person can do whatever they want. It's just, hey, I love you and I care about you. And I want to see you make that change to that person who's sitting on that other side of the table who's thinking about going down that road because, I mean, you had that one guest on a couple weeks ago, oh my gosh, I was crying in my car the entire time, but she's got the stalker, you know, and it's like, oh, my gosh, you know, this guy is doing all these psychologically torturing things and you can't bring it to the cops because, well, he technically hasn't committed a crime, he's just being a creepy guy online and just when we all

stand up together and say, you know what, we got to take this thing down, we can make a difference. I think it was so cool. I didn't mention Billy Eilish. She was like so into porn. I love porn. It's amazing. And then she got older. She's like, you know what?

This isn't a good thing. This is a bad thing. And now the state of Louisiana actually cited her as the reason why now you have to be 18 years or older to watch porn in Louisiana. And they were like, because Billy Eilish said this one thing. Yeah. Children's lives are forever changed because we talked about those stats. We're not talking about Playboy here. We're not talking about a pair of boobs.

We're talking about violent, aggressive porn. One of the saddest things, when I read those stats, 88% of porn scenes contained violent aggression. I was like, what's that? Yeah. What is that? I didn't even, I just thought, that's sex. That's sex seeing a woman just get slapped around like that.

That's normal. And so children, seeing that at that young of an age, it's just how many lives were changed with Billy Eilish saying one comment in vogue. And Pamela Anderson has stood up to this. She said, she's like, I'd be, you know, dating a guy or whatever. It's sexy time and he's in the bathroom jerking off with a computer with the door locked. And it's like Pamela Anderson can't even compete against this thing. Terry Cruz has stood up against it.

And I just think what we're ultimately looking for is love, connection, and intimacy. And you're not going to get there without being vulnerable, without taking those steps. And I just appreciate you just being vulnerable, having this conversation and just being so open. And that's why I love your show, because you can see both sides of it. You're very open to just talking about different things and just seeing it from all sides. I just appreciate you. Yeah, of course. No, I think your story is incredible.

And I think that this is something, I feel like that a lot of people probably don't even realize they're addicted to or have the problem yet. And I think that that's why it's great because even though it's something interesting that I just want to mention, even though I'm not somebody that's addicted to porn, every time I've ever watched it, like I walk away with that feeling of like, you know what I mean? Yeah. So I'm sure, I just feel like there's probably so many people out there that either they feel that way or. they are addicted and they don't realize it yet, because they might just think, well, that's how I relieve my stress. You know what I mean? So I think that you speaking about this opens a whole new door for people that they might not even know that they have a problem. And there's nothing wrong with having a problem. We all have a problem in one way or another. So I think it's incredible

what you guys are doing and that you wanted to even share your story. Because I think that I always say that my guests that come on, it takes a lot of courage, even if you are at a place in your life where you're ready to open up and talk. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and share details about your life and your story because I think we all start at a place where it's kind of embarrassing to talk about. And we're ashamed of it. So I feel like now we're at this place where it's like this was my life and now I'm going to help other people. And I don't know.

I just think it's amazing. And there's so many, I just think this world is just, it's crazy. There are so many different things that just lead us down these rabbit holes and there is so much darkness, but I feel like it's people like you and your wife that really can help people out of that because I feel like there's not enough people that are just willing to help and support, and that's some of the most important thing that people need. Well, you know, when we started this, I mean, I literally walked away from very, very high income. Like I said, millionaire, had everything the world could offer you, just like you're mentioning. And I was just feeling like so empty,

what more is there to this life? And when I walked away and when I told people, I'm going from helping and old people do care homes to, I'm the porn guy now. It's like forever branded porn guy. Right. And it's like, man, you know? And I was like, God, you know, I know this is what you want me to do. This is not what I want to do. I did not go like ultra willingly.

I had to have that lightning bolt hit me. But once we made that change, once we stood up and just said, you know, there's a problem. I've received messages from people on burner phones. Just saying thank you so much. I'm someone in your life. I can't tell you who I am. I've had friends who are getting married. I've seen them.

They're on the course. Because I can see if someone's going through the course of like, they're in it. And it's just like, it's been amazing. You think about that one person, David, David stood up to this problem six to ten times a day. And now I'm able to share his story. And that's inspiring someone on here. And someone is going to inspire someone else and someone else. And so no matter how big or small, if you stand up and you just make a change, you never know.

That could literally save a life. And it's just been an incredible journey. And so just real quick, too, I want to make sure I mention it. We have a course. It's for couples to go through. We have a couples one. if you're in a serious relationship or you're married, that one you guys both go through together.

We teach them how to support you. We teach you how to overcome it. And if you're single, we teach them how to go through it with an accountability partner. We teach them what they need to do, how they need to help you, and you go through that one together. And so they're both very affordable. We want to make this thing, you know, worldwide. And I'll link all of it below, too, of course, so that it's down there. And I just want to say also, because we were on the topic of it, but people have mentioned to me several times,

or just in general, like about celebrities, when they're like, oh, I wish I could post a picture of my body and make X amount of money. Like, I would have nothing to complain about. And I tell people all the time, I'm like, money does not buy happiness. Like I was like, trust me, yes, it can make life a little easier in some ways. But like, you can have, like, you can be a millionaire,

a billionaire, and you can still feel so drained and so sad. And I don't think enough people realize that. And I think it's very easy when you're working your ass off and not making what you should be making to say, if only I had this much, like you said, I'd be happy. But it's like you could have all the money and never have to work again and still be unhappy.

And I think that in general, whether you have an addiction to something or whether you're just going through the motions of life, it's so important to find your purpose and find fulfillment because I think until you really find something that brings you that joy and that within and that happiness, you don't really, it's almost like you can have everything, but it still feels like nothing. Yeah, you know, all the time, I mean, this has been a tough journey.

There's been days where it's really easy to do this and days where it's really tough. Oh, absolutely, yeah. And, you know, there's been times where it's like the world comes calling again. It's like, hey, you can get back into real estate. We've got this big deal. You can make up this money. And now it's, I can never walk away from what I'm doing because that fulfillment, that feeling. And absolutely, money does not buy happiness.

They've shown studies. I mean, this has been studied before. People make 70,000 versus people make 700,000 versus 7 million, and the happiness levels are right here. And gratitude is what helps build that happiness. You know, I had everything I needed right in front of me, the most incredible wife. And yet I said, she's good, but I want more, more, more. And it's like that never ends. You can never scratch that itch.

And it's about realizing what you have in front of you and just being grateful for it and loving it and focusing on, again, love, connection, intimacy, healing what's going on side. Sometimes people are like, you know, like AA or something, which I love to help a bunch of people, essay, stuff like that. It's like, you're an addict your whole life. Oh, I'm an addict. It's a bear. I got to cry. You're going to be an addict your whole life if you don't handle what's going on inside. But once you do, you can have freedom because I'm not over here like scratching my neck.

Right. And you don't let it define you. Right. It was a part of your journey. It's crazy now when I have to think back like, I used to do that, like writing out my story and thinking about it. just like, I used to be in that place where I was driving and I'm like, hidden people. Now it's just like, this is a whole other world. And so, yeah, anybody's listening.

Like sometimes people like, well, I got to be jerking off X amount of times then it's going to be a problem. I don't care. We have people that it's like, hey, I'm messing up all the time. It's once a month. And then we got, I'm messing up. It's 10 times a day. And it's like, I don't care.

If it's a problem, it's a problem. And even if it's something that you're not doing it often, but it's still affecting your personal life, then it's a problem. So it's like, and I think in general kind of goes back to what I was saying. even something as simple as scrolling through social media and comparing your life to other people, whether it's relationships or just your life, it's a problem because you're setting yourself up

with these expectations of like, well, I should have this or I should be making this. But we don't even know what's happening in that person's life. So all of these things, I just feel like that's why it's just so important to focus on yourself. And I think the best thing that you can do is just be kind and help others. and then everything will just come as it should.

You know, I think it's just like worrying about all the external stuff. Nonsense. It doesn't get us anywhere. But you did incredible. Thank you. I was so excited for this episode. You crushed it. Thank you.

And I love to hear your story. And I think it's incredible what you guys do, seriously. Thank you. And thank you for just giving us a platform, doing everything that you're doing. And, you know, one day, I know you got the story to tell. I want to, I'll be watching that episode when you're sitting in this chair.