We're All Insane - 3 Months Left To Live

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

Mollie shares her experiences growing up with a brain tumor she didn’t know about. She details her harrowing story, from the symptoms to the operating table and beyond. Now several years tumor free, Mollie talks about advocating for oneself in medical situations, as it saved her life. If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the show, please email [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me DeVora. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, I'm Molly and I had a brain tumor. I want to start with probably my childhood actually because I had a relatively normal childhood. I played every sport under the sun. I had no problem like picking up anything either. I played competitive volleyball. I played competitive tennis. I played competitive basketball. I did everything. I was very active. This is more important towards the end of the story. But I just was really fortunate to grow up the way that I did.

And throughout life, I just started to get migraines and things like that. And my parents just talked it up to nothing. Like, she's just going through puberty. She's getting older. It's normal. Were they, like, bad to the point that you would have to, like, stay in bed with the lights out? Okay. So they were pretty intense.

Well, yeah. Cool cloth over your eyes. Really? All the lights out. Yeah. And that was, it really started like the worst in high school is when I started to see it. And I could sleep for like 36 hours. Really?

Oh, yeah. I was exhausted all the time. Did you ever go to the doctor about it during this time or no? No. Okay. Yeah. I think it was just more or less my mom. She was a critical care nurse.

So she actually retired after I had my surgery. But she basically it came down to like barfing, bleeding or broken was kind of what I grew up with with going to school. Like if you want to call home, you want to say you are either barfing, bleeding or broken, basically. So she took everything as like, it's not that bad. You're a great assault. Yeah.

You're dehydrated. You need to eat something. like take some sleep time and you'll be fine. Yeah, and I feel like migraines are so common too. Like I feel like I always hear, I've, I've always been like the stomachate girls. Like that's always what I get. But like a lot of my friends, like they get migraines. And I like can't really because I really, I don't think maybe I've had one once.

But like I feel like it's so common for people to be like, oh, I just have a really bad migraine today or something. I got to a point where mine started to get debilitating where then I got concerned. But it was nothing that like drove me to go to the hospital. Yeah. So I went through high school, again, played varsity. tennis all four years. I was just so active. I loved going to the gym. And then I got to college and had a lot of fun, a lot of fun in college. And I actually ended up transferring home for my sophomore, junior and senior year. And luckily, that's kind of around the time that I started having episodes.

So in May of 2017, I was kind of, oh, actually, let's go to February, February 2017. This will be like the first indicator. I was on the ground with a dog and I was kind of rolling back and forth. And as soon as I like twinged my neck the wrong way, I got the spins. Like when you've had way too much to drink and you need to put a foot on the ground, I immediately got sick. And then I ended up just going home after that. If you started throwing up? Yeah. Just from like twisting your neck. Yes. Wicked spins. Yeah. And so I went home and I fell asleep and I woke up the next. morning felt totally fine. So I went to school. I handled all my stuff. It was right around the weekend of my 21st birthday. So then I ended up going to Vegas with my family, had a great time,

so I just completely forgot about it. And then come May of 2017, it happened again. I got thrown onto a bed and as soon as my head hit the mattress, it was instant spins. My equilibrium was off. I had a crawl on the floor. I was so uncomfortable. And at the time my boyfriend, he drove me home, had to leave my car. That lasted for three days. Just feeling sick. Yeah, throwing up, couldn't get my equilibrium right. I think my mattress was on the floor at the time. And if it wasn't, I was sleeping on the floor because I was so scared that I was going to roll out because I just couldn't get my balance and couldn't drink anything, couldn't eat anything. And my parents just again chalked it up to you don't eat enough. You need more fluids.

There's just, it's just kind of normal bodily functions. And come the third day of that, I knew something was wrong. And my dad was actually getting ready to go on a work trip. So I went into his room first. And I was just like, hey, something's wrong. I don't know what to do. And he was driving in Wyoming that morning. He was like, I got to go. I can't do this. Call your mom. My mom happened to be working at the hospital that day. So I called her and she said, just go wake up your sister, have her take you to the hospital, and I'll meet you here. And so I woke up my sister.

She had an interview that day. So she happened to be at the house with us. And she dropped me off at the hospital. So at this point, I'm in the ER alone. And I feel like the hospital, the healthcare system is kind of like a revolving door. They want you in. They want you out. So it was kind of like a put a band-aid on it and get you on your way.

Right, because at this point you weren't like seeing a specialist. No. No. No. Yeah. And I didn't even know I had the tumor at the time. This is about the time where I found out. So I went to the ER and they told me, oh, you probably have a crystal knocked off on your ear.

So I guess you have three crystals and they kind of control your equilibrium. And they did neural checks. They did blood work. And all of that came out just inconclusive. They were like, there's nothing wrong. Did they do a scan? No. No.

Okay. So this is where I came in and I said, you need to do a CT scan. I'm here. I've paid my pro-pay. I need everything handled. Exactly. I wanted everything taken care of. Isn't it crazy that it's like you almost have to have your own back with so many things like in the world? It's like you have to be the one that's like you have to advocate for yourself. Yeah. And get get it done. Because if not, people just won't really do it. Oh, and they would have totally sent me home. Right. Yeah. So I got the CT scan. And usually to get that pathology report, the radiology report, it takes some time. So when somebody came into my room about like 15.

30 minutes later, I was a little confused. And it was a nurse. And the first thing she said to me was, do you want somebody in the room with you? And I was like, no, are you going to tell me I have a concussion? And then she sat down. And I was like, okay. And she goes, you have a small mass in your brain. And I looked at her, didn't know what the hell mass meant. I was like, what do you mean mass? And she said, well, you have a small brain tumor. And I just was like, stop. I'm going to call my mom. She's upstairs. She worked in the ICU at the time. So the intensive care unit. And she was I was so fortunate to have the most amazing podmates that they let her come down to me. And I want to say within two seconds, like a neurosurgeon was following her, basically.

And it worked out because I happened to be at the hospital my mom worked at. So everybody knew her. I got care rather quickly just because now it's much more serious. She's very involved. And the neurosurgeon came in and he sat down and he said, do you know, do you know what's going on? And I told him, well, the nurse told me I have a small mass in my brain. and he then actually sat down on my bed. And he looked at my mom and I in the eyes and he goes, no, no, no, no, no.

You have a large mass. You have massive mass in your brain. This tumor is huge. And her and I both kind of looked at each other. And I want to say around the ER time is the only time I actually cried, which is a little weird until after recovery. And it was kind of just a rolling ball effect after this. I had to get admitted.

So they started doing more blood work. started doing MRIs. They needed brain mapping. It was like one thing after the other. So at this point, did they not know if it was like benign or? They had no idea. They just knew it was like a large mass. Right. Yeah. And because so it where it was was in the dead center of my brain on what's called the it was a pineal gland tumor, which was pressing on my teakedom, which actually controls, actually controls your equilibrium in your brain. So that's why I was getting the episodes. But we didn't know anything until actually after I had surgery. So it was all kind of just...

Right, because then they would have to go in there to actually see what was going on. Yeah. And in the dead center of your brain, you can't like get a biopsy or anything. Right. So we got admitted and I just kind of went with the punches from this point. And having a critical care nurse as a mom was kind of a blessing and a curse because she immediately started doing research. And she knew a lot of things in regards to people having neurosurgery and the repercussions.

and the effects that it has on people who have to go through it and their families. And I think that was not the best because she fell down a rabbit hole and it really took a toll on her because she just, I mean, obviously you go to my kid's going to die. And they didn't know what was happening. And when you don't have answers, you just have to go to the worst and just prepare for it. So at that point, my mom ended up calling my family members. My sister got me a, my little care bag, my blankets and stuff. to be able to shower and have to stay in the hospital for my extended period of time.

So they weren't going to let you go home after they found this? No. So I had to get a bunch of different tests. And one of them, the one that I remember the most, is actually called a lumbar puncture. They take this, like, massive needle. And they put it in one of your discs in your lumbar spine to pull out cerebral spinal fluid. And they more or less just wanted to discount having basically cancer that had spread to my spine. So this was just making sure that my cerebral spinal fluid.

spinal fluid was okay, which it was, thank God. But then after that, I had to lay on my back for eight hours, which was miserable. I couldn't move just to regenerate your cerebral spinal fluid. And then they came in, so two neurosurgeons that were on the team at the hospital I was at came in and just kind of gave me a breakdown of what they were thinking. And what they were thinking was nothing. They said, we don't know. We don't know what it is. We don't know how it came to be. We don't know how we would get there. We just know it needs to come out so we can go in there and we can figure it out as we go. We can obviously refer you to other neurosurgeons.

And having a neurosurgeon tell you we don't know, we can figure out how to get in there and do something about it was terrifying. Right. Because then it's like when you make that choice to get the surgery and go under, you don't know if you're coming back out. Right. And well, that's my brain too. I want somebody who actually has some form of an idea as to what's going on. So they actually then to, it was just perfect timing, and they had a huge neurosurgeon meeting on the Saturday.

So I think this was a Friday that I was finding everything out. And then on a Saturday, they had this conference nationwide with a bunch of different neurosurgeons. And they said, we want to present your case, if that's okay with you, because we want to help you find answers. We want to find answers. And if we can get people from all over, all these different neurosurgeons, to give us some opinions, we would love to do that.

And I was like, absolutely. Yeah, that's amazing that they wanted to do that too. I got super lucky with that. And then from there, they did discharge me. They put me on so many meds. I mean, I had been on meds since I had started this whole ER experience. I mean, everything under the sun, typical cocktail. The worst one was they gave me a steroid, which was to calm the swelling in my brain.

And it made me blow up like a balloon. I was so fat. And it wasn't like I got fat everywhere else. It was like my face was huge. And I think that started to weigh on me. I was like, my appearance is changing. Like I just want to live as normal as I can until I have surgery because I really didn't know if I were going to make it.

So I wanted to make the best of literally everything I could. I kid you not, I have so many photos that my mom was like, there are monkeys somewhere outside of like a shopping mall that's near my house. And she was like, go jump on one. And I want to take a picture of you. I literally did everything they wanted to do because I was like, wanted them to have the happy memory of me, even if I came out and I were like a vegetable, I still wanted them to remember like, this is my daughter. Look at how happy she was. She was so

fun, so outgoing. And that was really important for me for them. And I think through this whole process, that's actually what I ended up doing was I saw everybody around me crumbling. And so I had to be the strong one. And I think that's kind of where I just didn't cry because I didn't want anybody to think that I was scared. And like it was like your responsibility and most to keep them together. Because if they saw you together, exactly. Right. And then they kind of felt like I was going to be okay. Yeah.

And how old were you? 21. Okay. That's what I thought. Yeah. Right. I literally found out right after my 21st birthday, which kind of sucks. But I got to experience the 21st birthday, which was nice.

So when I got home from the hospital, my mom immediately started reaching out to every neurosurge in the United States that she could. I mean, she spoke to people at UCLA, at NYU. she was talking to people in Scottsdale, Arizona, like trying to touch all the main bases to just see where is the best place to take my daughter. And we actually got really lucky. I found my neurosurgeon in Colorado, so I was able to go through surgery and recover at home. But he was incredible. I met him. He gave me the most minimal information. And I think that was to keep my mind at ease. So I wasn't overthinking the whole process. I wasn't scared. I wasn't going to.

to be worried about XYZ, what I was going to come out, like how long the surgery was. It was more or less just, here's what's going to happen. I think I know what your tumor is, and this is how I want to go about it. So he immediately, like out of nowhere, just gave me everything the first neurosurgeons didn't, which was the most comforting thing. And knowing that my recovery was going to be quite a bit of time extensive, I chose to be at home because I didn't want to recover in a random state. I feel like that would have just made it so much harder.

So from there, we had a set a date. He said it needs to be, it's urgent. It needs to be as soon as possible. They pushed it out for the end of May. And then from then on out, it was kind of a waiting game. I had to move. I lived at the upstairs of my parents' house. So I had to move to the first floor master where, because I was a fall risk.

I couldn't walk up and downstairs. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. unassisted. I couldn't drive my car anymore. I was, and this is before I even had surgery. This was just like, you're done. Your life is done. My sister, when I was in the ER, I actually emailed all of my teachers because I was still in school at the time and just said, my sister's not coming back. She has a brain tumor, don't know what to do. And I got really lucky. All of my teachers just passed my finals. They were like, here you go. Here are your grades for the year. Figure it out. We hope you're okay, which was awesome. I didn't have to go back and

take those exams again, which I was really appreciative of. But kind of just leading up, we were just preparing, like getting all the food ready. I started a blog with my mom to kind of keep our family and friends in the loop. I grew up really privileged. So, I mean, we didn't need people bringing us meals or anything. I didn't need a GoFund me, which was really nice to, you know, support myself. And I just have amazing parents who basically gave me the world. And they still had me on their insurance, which was great. So I was covered. And I didn't want anybody to see me. So I was kind of just in my blog post, like, we appreciate your thoughts and prayers. Please don't come to the house. Like I didn't, I wanted everybody to remember me if I were to die,

if I were a vegetable after this. I wanted everybody to remember me as this happy go lucky, very outgoing, so determined, very athletic girl that just beaming smile all the time. That's what I wanted. So I kind of was just, it was just me and my family and we were getting to spend a lot of time together, which was nice. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast, Every week, we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week, we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we.

Listen to true crime news available now wherever you get your podcasts. And I think also, too, like, that was a lot for you to. take in and handle. And I think that if you were just having people constantly come, it's overwhelming. You know, it makes sense that, you know, regardless of people seeing you physically, it's like that was kind of your time to just sit on it and be alone. Yeah. And not really have the constant people like coming in and out. Yeah. It was, it's actually weird. I never fully processed it. I never did therapy. I never did anything. And I think that has kind of started to come up after surgery. I start to have some PTSD, I definitely have things come up that are like just trauma that I need to handle.

And it's something that I almost would rather just not because it was such a traumatic time in my life that I'd rather just keep moving forward. I know it's inevitable. Like I all have to handle it eventually. Right. I'm the same way. It's like things like that, it's, I think right after it happens, it's kind of you think it's done with and you can just move forward.

But then like you said, it starts kind of coming up in other ways because it's hard. I think it's really difficult for humans to process. such traumatic things, you know, and we just think that because it's over with, it's over with. Right. You know, our brain doesn't really work that way. No, especially mine. Like I had so many things that were going on with it. But so from there, I just was hanging out with my family.

We were doing as much as we could. Obviously, I was very limited. I kind of felt like a child. I had to be kind of attended by somebody the entire time. And then we went in for surgery on May 31st. And originally what my doctor had told me was maybe six hours. It's going to be just quick in and out. We're going to go up through the back of your head.

This is how we want to do it. And then you'll just, you'll be in recovery. And I had so many questions prior to this surgery. Like, will I be able to go back to school? What is recovery going to be like? What are my odds? Is my tumor, what is the word, where you can give it to kids, hereditary? is I just didn't know anything.

So did you ask any of these questions or in this moment you were like, I don't know. In this moment, I actually, my mom asked a lot of these questions. I remember the biggest thing for me was, is it hereditary? Because there's nothing I want more in this world than to be a mom. And I mean, ever since I was little, it was, what do you want to be when you grew up? And I would always say a mom. So that was going to be like my heartbreaker. That's probably when I would have crumbled if they told me, yeah, you can't.

I wouldn't have kids if I were you. but they were they were very hopeful that it wasn't it was totally that it wasn't going to hurt me that it was not hereditary yeah not hereditary um but we ended up going into surgery that morning i had to have like these nasty soap showers for the three days going up into it that were like no conditioner nothing i wasn't allowed to use body wash it was absolutely miserable um i felt just so gross yeah and then when we got into surgery my whole family was able to come back into pre-op with me, which was really nice. So this is where they kind of prepped me for everything. And I will never forget this. We were all hanging out in there. I'm trying to laugh and

giggle just like, nothing's going to go wrong. We're all going to be fine. And we, one of the doctors came in. I remember him because he was a hot doc. He was like the hottest doctor in the entire. Exactly. He's the one who started getting me out of bed. I was like, absolutely. I'm going to go sit down to the chair for you. Exactly. And he came in and he like had buzzers in his hand. And he was like, just clicked them by my ear and he goes, I'm just going to start kind of doing something. I was like, okay, he started shaving little bits and pieces out of my hair. And these pieces were falling onto my gown. And I started like picking them up and looking at them.

And my mom was like, no, no, no, honey, I'll do this. And I'm like kind of giggling. I'm like, I just am going to be a spotted dog, I guess. I'm just going to have spots everywhere. And then he started like gluing little blue things to my head to do brain mapping. I found out later it was for brain mapping. So they could get like a 40 or 3D image of my brain to be able to fully see. like where my ventricles were, where all of my veins were, where what was being fully impacted,

where my brainstem was. That was the most important part. So you, I don't know if you're going to know this or if you ended up asking, but my curiosity is if it was in the middle of your brain, how the fuck did they go? Like, how did they get in there? So they cut up through the back of my head. And because where my tumor was sitting, it was squishing my cerebellum, which is that lower part of your brain.

And it actually controls your muscular function. So when the doctors were looking at my scans and then hearing about my story and how I grew up playing all of these competitive sports, how I was a varsity athlete in high school, how I literally went to the gym every day. Lifting weights, doing everything. They were like, I don't know how. Right. Like, how the fuck is this girl okay? Nobody knew. How did you make it that far?

Yes. Do they have any idea of how long it was probably in there growing? I was born with it. Really? So it just kind of was growing your whole life. Yes. Yeah. It was baby cells.

What are the baby cells called? I don't even remember. I don't know. Yeah, I don't either. I do know it, but I can't remember it at the moment. Yeah. Okay, so they were able to know that, that it was okay. This was, so from the pathology, so after I had surgery.

Okay, sorry, I'm fast forwarding. You're fine. Go back to your work. So pre-op. So he was shaving my head. We were all giggling, and my mom and dad and sister were all in there with me, and we all kind of just tried to remember it as the happiest time ever and my parents were able to get like this sheet from the doctor that had phone numbers on it.

And so the neuro team that was in with me, I don't even know how many, there were like at least 15 people in my surgery. It was crazy. And they were texting my parents throughout my surgery. And they were able to communicate and they said, you know, we'll come out ever so often and give you updates, which after I found out that they only came out like twice. And my parents were really freaking out. My surgery, so, well, I guess we can go into the brain mapping. This is where I completely blacked out. I don't fully remember the brain mapping. I think they drugged me enough to like where I could sleep through that because it was an extensive MRI. And then I remember they took me into like the operating room, but they were still pre-op and it was freezing. It's a stark

white. And they started sticking things onto like my bony prominences. So like my knees, my hips, I think my elbows and my chest because I was face down prone for the entire surgery. Like knees bent, arms back, hate face in like a basically a massage chair situation. And my surgery actually ended up lasting 10 hours. Wow. I don't remember them putting me face down or anything. I just remember getting the stickies on my knees. That was the most important one.

And then I was asleep. And we were all thinking six hour surgery. in and out, no problem. It ended up being 10 hours. And my family, they got updates through like the first four or six hours. And then it was like nothing for the last four hours. Right, which is the scariest part. Yes. And then it's like going over at that point. And so they started to worry. There were like all of these colors on screens, I guess. And while they're getting text messages of like different patients in surgery and I guess like, I don't know if it was purple or something, but a color indicated, okay, she's out of surgery, she's in post-op, just so you know, but everything

went okay. Never happened. Really? Yeah. So after my surgery, after that, like 10-hour mark, the doctors came out and did speak to my family and said, you know, everything went well. We sent her, everything that she had, all of the stuff in her brain. So my tumor, like I said, was in the middle, and then it was actually surrounded by three cysts.

So, I mean, my tumor was about the same. size of a small plum. And then the cysts around it created even more space in the middle of my brain. So my brainstem was pushed forward. My hypothalamus was pushed out of the way. My cerebellum, like I said, was squish. Like every part of my brain was impacted. Right. And so they, they told my parents basically it was really complex surgery. It was really close to her brain stem. We pulled as much as we could. We think we got all of it. We think it is a full resection. We're going to have to do like a six month post-op MRI to just clear her. And so if it wasn't, if you didn't, if they like did that post-op and then in the scan and saw

it there were still more in there, would they have had to go back in? Radiation. I don't think I would have let them go back in there. Yeah. But maybe I would have. I don't know if it did rapidly grow. With the tumor I had, it did have a 64% regrowth rate within the first five years. So this past May actually, I hit five years.

So congratulations. Thank you. So I'm really excited. I got down to now it's a 0.09% chance of regrowth, which is like none, which is wonderful. But so from there, I was in post-op. I want to say my mom wasn't allowed to come see me for like 45 minutes. And still to this point, I don't remember any of this. My mom kept the most detailed notebook.

And we actually called the Brain Bible now. And I have it. I take it with me pretty much everywhere I go if I'm traveling just so people know like my history. And it's, so detailed and she was talking about how like I was crying my eyes out and I was begging for my mommy and all I kept saying was how much pain I was in and the doctors then later told her well we were we had needles stuck in all of her muscles during her surgery to test her reflex and her muscular

function to make sure that we don't make anything to make sure that we weren't hurting anything so she's going to feel like she just worked out really hard and she's going to feel that way for a little while It is so incredible how they do these surgeries and just like they think about things that like, you know, we would never think. Right. Crazy. Crazy. I also was really lucky I didn't have to be awake because some people during brain surgery

have to stay awake. I've seen that in the brain anatomy. Mm-hmm. I couldn't do that. I don't know if I would have been able to do that. That's the people, because I got, um, side note, but I got LASIC and like you're awake for it. And that's like a couple of my friends are like, how were you awake?

Yeah. It didn't hurt, but it was one of the scariest things I've ever done. But yeah, I cannot imagine because it's one of those things that if you're laying there, you're like, I can't move. And then when I feel like in your head, once you think like, I can't move, you start like moving. Oh, yeah, you start moving. I feel like the noise would weird me out.

I feel like I would probably have a full-blown panic attack. 100%. Yeah. I don't think. I got really lucky with that. So with my surgery, though, they ended up taking my cerebrate. or not my cerebral, my occipital bone, which is the bone that's at the base of your skull. And they were able to remove some of that.

And then basically just like wiggle their way through all of the hemispheres of my brain to get to the middle. And it was, they thought maybe it would come out just all at once, but it was like piece by piece by piece. And I guess it was really dense. So they obviously sent out like the first little chunk to pathology to just figure out, okay, is it cancer? Is it benign? Is it? What is it? they just needed to know.

And so, excuse me, from there, they were able to actually kind of chunk it all out. And then that last piece with all the cysts kind of came out all together. And they said that was like the most satisfying part because it was like, you're done. That was it. And then I had to get, I have a plate and screws in the back of my head where my occipital bone is just to reinforce the bone. And then I had internal sutures, external sutures, external sutures, and staples all down the back of my head, like 19, I want to say. Wow.

Did they have to shave your whole head? No. Okay. So just the back? Just the back, just up the back, which was really nice. Even though I had all these little spots anyway, it was like, I was kind of okay if they were going to do that. I just saved my life was awesome.

Right. But I was, I got really fortunate. So I was in post-op. I want to say for a couple hours. And then they took me to the intensive care unit, which I mean, I had to be there. I needed neuro checks. I couldn't get up. I had this stupid little year.

bag. I hated that thing. I got a UTI so bad. And I remember I had to tell the hot doc. I had to tell a hot dog. Something is wrong down there. That's what I said. I was like, his name was a call. And I was like, a call. I think I have a UTI or yeast infection. I need help. And he was like, okay, I'll take care of that. I'll send out a script right now. But I was beat red. I was so embarrassed. I did not want to tell the hot doctor that. Yeah. It was awful. That is funny. But so when I came out, I had this massive like turban around my head, which is just really, really tight gauze, basically, wrapped around my head. And I remember it was like so uncomfortable and I couldn't talk. I was face down for so long with all this pressure on my neck. I could not talk. I could not swallow. It was really actually kind

of terrifying that part. The not swallowing. But he came in and he kind of, my neuro did and he kind of explained to me, you know, this is what the process is going to be. They weren't sure if I would ever be able to go back to school. They said there's a high likelihood you won't be able to resume like of normal life. You're going to have to treat yourself like a 60 year old woman. You probably won't have to won't be able to work extensively. You'll need to work a more minimal job. Stress is going to be really, really hard on your body. You're going to need lots of rest. It was like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. This can't like my life will never be normal again. And so he, once he went over all of that and cut my turban, which was wonderful, that was so

painful. That was kind of just the start of the recovery for me was I need to prove everybody wrong, basically. I want to go back to school. I want to do all these things. Did they say how long that they thought it might be? A year, at least years, though. And then you would also have to be doing like rehab and stuff like that. Physical therapy, a lot of it.

So I actually needed a physical therapist for my mouth because I could not talk very well. Right. And then my swallowing. I couldn't swallow. So was that all from the surgery? Yes. Okay. Yeah.

So it wasn't like there was anything preventing it. No. It was literally just from the brain surgery. Yes. And I. So how would you eat and drink? I aspirated so many times. Like just inhaled food, inhaled liquid.

I had to chew up my pills. and my sister, she says it's like the most traumatic thing. And if she ever hears a suction cup again, it'll drive her crazy. But I had this like suction tube that was constantly on next to me because when I was throwing up a ton, the meds kicked my ass. And usually they like give you a zoephran or something for that, but none of it was working. I was just sicker than a dog. And so, I mean, I would throw up and then I would like suction out my mouth.

And then if I had saliva, I would have to suction out my mouth because I couldn't swallow it. And I was scared to swallow. because when you have just had brain surgery, you still have a ton of pressure in there. There's so much trauma that just happened. And the pain that was in my, specifically my lower neck from those staples, like coughing, you think coughing really isn't like a big deal. I never want to cough again in my life.

I was miserable. And even the throwing up, I mean, like, that's the, after any surgery throwing up, it's horrible. Horrible. It's one of the worst things. happen. I had my tonsils taken out side note and I threw up all of after that too like scabs came out everything. I was like, oh, wonderful. I'm never. Yeah, I'm not, I don't do well with surgeries either. Yeah, even like the more like minimal ones. It just I've never done well with it. I don't really do

great with like pain meds. I usually get sick too. Mm-hmm. But sucks. Yeah. So I was basically dependent on this little suction tube. It was my best friend. I had to drink liquid Tylenol. and I aspirated on that first and that's where I was like, okay, I'm just going to start chewing up pills. I can't try any of this. They had to start giving me thickened water, which is obviously like a cup of water, but like pre-gello stage. So it's a little bit thicker. So it was easier to go down because this is so thin that it was just going straight to my lungs. And I think it was just from being so face down for so long, just that trauma.

But also, I mean, I don't know if it had anything to do with my tumor. again, everything was impacted. So that muscular response with my tongue and my throat totally could have been impacted. And then walking. I did not want to walk. I did not want to get up. I was not motivated to move. Shout out to hot doc because he was the one who got me out of bed.

I know I got to a point where I was complaining about the UTI. And he said, well, if you get up and get out of bed, I'll take out your catheter. If that's what you want, go ahead. And eventually I kind of was just like, fine, fuck it. I will get up out of this bed. I was so miserable. I was in so much pain. I didn't want to do anything.

At this point, I was kind of like, sometimes I wish the tumor would have just taken me because this is miserable. I was miserable. And you were still in the hospital at this point? Yeah, I'm still in the ICU. I was in the ICU. I want to say for, I don't know, three days. It took me a while because I was so hell-bent on not getting out of bed.

And so they were like constantly checking my neuromuscular function. I was getting all these neuro exams. They were looking at my eyes, watching my reflex and my feet. So when you were in bed, were you still like moving your arms? I had full motion. And I just didn't want to get up. That's scary too because it's like, I feel like if you take that step and something goes wrong, I feel like mentally you'd flip out.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was terrified to fall. I knew everything that could go wrong. And so I didn't want any part of it. I was like, I'm good. I'm healing. We're fine.

Leave me in bed. Exactly. Don't touch me. I'm fine. But no, so they actually ended up getting a physical therapist and the physical therapist came in and she was great. She actually had worked with my mom at one point. So they knew each other really well, which was phenomenal.

I had the shittiest nurse in the entire world. So I'm happy that I actually got a really nice physical therapist. And they had to gate assist me. So I had to wear a gate belt, which, basically means they had to hold me up. Yeah. And I'm a tall person. I'm 5.10. So my mom's 5.6 and this little, this little PT was probably about 5.6. And so it was funny, like, having them try and hold me up by my waist when I'm so much taller. So I was actually scared about that to balance. I had a walker in front of me. I was on oxygen. So it had to be taken with me everywhere. I had

obviously all of my IVs. And I remember, like, pushing myself to the edge of the bed with my feet over it. and I was just in an upright position. I was so dizzy. You could see me physically spinning. I thought I was going to fall out of this bed. And they said, you know, just when you're ready, I sat there for a very long time to a point where this PT was like, okay, it's time. Like, stand up. And so they got me to stand up.

I was holding onto this chair. And I tried to start picking up my legs just to like make sure I could do it. Because I had a little bit of fear. Like that my whole functionality was gone. And so I was picking on my legs. I felt totally fine. I think I went to the bathroom. I don't fully remember that part.

But then I just went and got back in bed. And that was wonderful. I mean, I think pushing me to get out of bed was great. It was like the first baby step. Yes. That baby step was kind of like the domino effect because then I just started really pushing myself. And from there, they needed me to start walking or else I couldn't get transferred up to

like a less intensive care spot. So I needed to go to the neural floor. And so they had me start walking up and down the hallways with my walker. And I had a lot of left gate issues. So my left leg, I didn't fully pick it up the right way. And I kind of had it more turned to the center of my body. So it was kind of like my normal right leg walking. But then I kind of had this like little shuffly white like duck leg on the left side that was falling behind me, which was just. I mean, it was kind of funny, like hindsight, but, um, but scary. Scary. My mom immediately said to the, uh, the PT and I actually heard her behind me, like, oh,

there's something like left gate. There's a left gate issue. And I went to school for, does that mean it's, it would be the whole left side of your body? Or was it just my, so gate is just walking. So just my leg. Um, I went to school for, uh, kinesiology and physiology. So I got lucky that I kind of heard that and I knew. And immediately, I started to just forcibly, like, correct myself.

like, okay, just turn your leg a little bit and pick it up a little bit higher. And it was a process. It took me a little while to get it, but I was lucky to get there eventually. So that was kind of, to fix that, that was just within yourself to kind of be more aware and just train. And I think it helped that I was so active prior to surgery. And my, I mean, I was, I was in great shape. Like it was something that was made it much easier to recover.

And your body's amazing. Like, the fact that I was able to recover the way that I did being told the things that I was is incredible. Well, I was going to say, too, I feel like three days really isn't that long. Like after that kind of surgery, like I was thinking you were to be like I was in there for like couple weeks before. Like three days is pretty soon to like be trying to get out of bed. You know what I mean? Especially after something that intense. Yes. And they wanted me to do it just to like start that recovery process. It was more or less like rebuild your muscular function. Rebuild everything. Start that recovery as soon as you can because it's going to be a long.

path. Right. And I do think it was only three days in the, or in the ICU. And then they transferred me upstairs. And that is where I was finally, you know, able to get up on my own. I walked around this whole time I didn't shower. I was getting sponge baths. That was probably the worst thing for me. I was like, just I'm dirty. I feel gross. Not washing my hair. I can go a couple days without washing my hair, but like a month was gross. Could you turn your neck? So it was just straight. Yes. So from all of that inflammation, I was in so much pain. And my dad actually told me from how my face was smushed. I sounded like Fran Dresher. I don't know if you know who that is. From the nanny. She has this very nasly voice. And he made fun of me. That lasted for a long time.

So that's just from your face being smushed. Okay. Wow. I just, I would. was awful. And my throat obviously was impacted. So like me trying to talk was horrible. But then I couldn't turn my neck. One because of the pain, but two, because of how low they put my staples, there were two in the bottom that like pulled every time I turned. And I was like, this is so uncomfortable. I didn't like it. So I just stayed steady. I was just, I'm not going to turn. I actually ended up like turning my body like this. I'll never forget it. Yeah. That's what I was like envisioning it. And I really wanted a like a C spine, like one of those collars because I just wanted support. I just wanted support so bad.

I was in just so much pain. But they didn't do that for me until I got my ride home. And the most miserable part of this whole experience for me was actually waiting to be discharged because you need to go to the bathroom after you have taken all these meds. And you need to go to the bathroom before they'll let you leave. And I know you have stomach issues. I have horrible stomach issues. I couldn't go.

Well, also, I went weeks. I was going to say, but with after surgeries usually, that'll constipate you. Yes. Right, because of the anesthesia, I think. Yeah, and the pain meds. Right. So all of that stuff backs you up. Yeah.

I know that when I got my boobs done, I don't think I shit for like a week or so, which is very unlike me. But I know it's because of the surgery and the medicine. Yes. But I think not going can make you like nauseous too. And like feel like crap. I felt like, I felt like shit. Yeah, like even if you're vomiting, it's like not the same. Right.

It's too completely different ends. Yeah. So you didn't go to the bathroom for like two weeks. Mm-hmm. Which is actually, I mean, okay, this is weird. Kind of normal for me. Okay. I don't go to the bathroom.

So you're more like constipated side. I have allsertive chlytis. So if I like go to the bathroom, this is really gross. But like I'll just, I bleed. It's just bleeding if I go to the bathroom because I have ulcers. Yeah. So that I would rather actually not go to the bathroom. I think I have like IBS.

So I'm like the opposite. I'm going all the time. Yeah. No. Not me. Okay. So you couldn't go to the bathroom and they won't release you unless you. So I bless my mom because I only tried.

Like it got to a point where I was like asking her to like I've asked her to do an IV for me because I just like sometimes nurses don't know what they're doing. And I trust my mom wholeheartedly. Which is interesting actually. I remember looking at my arms. to the IV thing. They changed my IV so many times during surgery. I looked like an addict.

I had like all of these track marks up and down my arms on my hands like all over. It was awful. And I mean, that added to my pain of like all these needle pricks. Yeah, it's like so many little traumatic things. Yes. That just overall. They compile. Yeah.

It does for sure. Yes. Because I know even with the like how you said your face was smushed and I know too when they put tubes down your throat, like all of that stuff. That's not even part of really like what you're getting done. Right. It really has some painful effects afterwards, for sure. And my mom was, I mean, she asked about all of that actually in her like pre-op questions with my doctor. She asked about like intubating versus and then can we extubate her. Is she going to be intubated after surgery, which means just all the tubes, basically life support following surgery once I'm in

recovery, which was nice. I didn't have to do that. I was just on oxygen and lots of drugs. And then she was worried about me needing a stent or a shunt, I think. And those are things to keep your ventricles open. And then I think there's like a stimulator or something in your brain. But luckily I didn't have to have any of those either, which was really great. So following the needing to leave the hospital, my mom had to give me like a hot water bag enemas. I had to take so many laxatives. I was going to ask that they started giving you stuff like Oh yeah, everything. And this is also very gross, but my first shit was white. It was like white from all of the drugs that I had taken because I didn't go to the bathroom. So it was just the most disgusting

color because it had been sitting in me just like soaking up all these meds. And I really couldn't eat very well because of my whole swallowing suction issue. So that was a lot. It was a lot. I was very traumatic. And then I wanted to shower before I left. So my mom had one of her nurse friends from her hospital come and they gave me a shower, which was great. I was only allowed to use dial antibacterial soap on my body and my hair for like a couple of weeks after surgery because I still had all of the staples and just keeping everything clean. And obviously you're very clean. I just felt really gross. Right. I didn't feel like me. I was very upset. And I was very upset. I wanted to leave the hospital so bad.

And I will never forget when they discharged me, we had to go to the hospital pharmacy, which was weird. They had a pharmacy in the hospital. And they prescribed me so many medications. My mom had like this massive bag, like a gallon Ziploc bag just full of meds. And she, again, thank God she's a nurse because she had like these full lists of how we're going to take your meds and when we're going to take them. and this, that and the other.

And I've always had an issue with pain meds. Like, not that I'm addicted. More or less, I don't want to take them. So it got to a point where I think I was three days in or like a week into being home. And I was begging to not be on them because I just, there were so many issues already. I did not want to be just like there. You know what I mean? Like I didn't want to just be there.

Right. Because I think, too, when you're taking all that stuff, it's like you don't even feel like yourself. No. I was so lost. So when we were able to leave, my mom did not leave. She left one time during this whole experience, and it was just to go home and take a shower. And then my dad stayed with me that period of time. And I'll never forget this.

In that time frame, my dad actually sat on my hospital bed with me and I could not take the cool cloth off of my eyes. I had a cool cloth. I had this blanket on. and I just laid there like in a little cocoon and I never moved. And he came inside of my bed. He knew how bad I wanted to drop out of school. I absolutely hated school. I did not want to be in college.

I felt like it was pointless. I didn't want to do it. And I didn't know what I was doing with my life. I was just there. And I got, I was so freaked out that I wasn't going to be able to go back. And I think that started to just kind of trickle something in my brain. And he sat down and he said, you know, bud, you don't have to go back to school.

it's okay and that was like a constant battle between him and I was me going back to school and I said no no I'll think about it and then he told me that he had paid off my student loans and I was like dad you are the most amazing man in the entire world it's like this whole situation really sucked and it was horrible that it happened but it bonded my family and I so much more and it was something that I'm actually really grateful for that we were able to come together like that but so for my ride home I had they did actually give me a collar, which was wonderful. And I remember being wheeled out of the hospital, and everybody was staring at me. I felt like I didn't have one eyeball not looking at me. It was very, I felt like a zoo, an animal in a zoo. It was awful. And then the ride home was miserable.

Just the moving, the bumping, the bouncing, the turning. I couldn't move my head. So I'm like trying to look at everybody and I'm panicking. And I like, I have panic attacks now, which I never had before, which kind of sucks. But when we got home, I immediately just went to bed. My little downstairs, basically apartment, became my home. I slept. My mom slept with me for a really long period of time because I needed help going to the bathroom. I needed help walking. I couldn't shower myself. I couldn't really do anything alone. So she stayed with me for a really long time, which was great. But that's when the whole recovery process for me really started. I think you can will yourself to die. think you can will yourself to be better. If you're in a spot in your life where you are so sick

and you just don't see yourself getting any better, you can absolutely will yourself to die. And I just got to a point where I was like, not happening. I'm not going to die. I refuse to let that be the outcome. I've been this strong for everybody for so long. That's the last thing they need. So I kind of made it a point that I was going to go back to school, that I was going to graduate, that I was going to start working as soon as I could that I was going to walk like a normal person. I was going to start going back to the gym. I was going to do everything I could. It wasn't as quick as I wanted. My neurosurgeons wanted me to be on my pain meds for, I don't know, I think it was at least a month. They wanted me on all these drugs. They were like, you trust me, you want to be on them. It's not going to be fun to stop taking

them. So I took what they said and I rolled with it, but at my pace, this is where I started to get emotional. So like I said before, I did not cry or feel any like bad vibes during the beginning and during the surgery portion. It was after. Well, also, I think recovery time can be very, very frustrating, especially when it's drawn out that long. Yes. And it's like you're relying on people and then if somebody's not doing something like fast enough or right, you're like, you get mad and it's not their fault, but it's just like you're just so frustrated. Yes. Like all you want to do is be better. And all you want to do, I felt like such a nuisance. I just felt like just everybody had to wait on me hand and foot. Everybody's lives kind of stopped around me. And I felt just horrible about that.

And like I had really bad insomnia. My dad had to get up with me in the middle of the night. I would get up at 2 a.m. And I would just be like ready to start my day. I'm ready to go. And he would watch like ridiculousness with me or something on TV until I was ready to go back to sleep. Like it was just everything was about Molly. And I really hated that. I absolutely hated that. But I just wanted to talk normal again. I wanted to be able to turn my head. I wanted to be able to swallow everything.

I wanted to just resume my normal life. And so that was really frustrating. And I was in so much pain and nothing was going the way I wanted. That's when I started breaking down and just I freaked everybody out to where I was saying, like, I just wish it would have taken me. This is, nobody should live like this. I wish it would have taken me. And I think having said that freaked my parents out enough to be,

like, okay, we're just going to, we're going to push her. We're going to try and see where we can go from here. I remember my first post-off appointment. So I had to go back to the hospital. And they just went over my scans with me, said everything looked great. And this is where they kind of gave us the breakdown of what the tumor was, why it was there, how it got there, everything. And it scared the living shit out of me. So the tumor, like I said, I was born with. And it was all of these little baby cells that just kind of grew slowly in my brain, usually they find the tumor I had specifically between the ages of six and eight years old. And once we started hearing all of the things that go hand in hand with this tumor, so I had what's called a juvenile pylaclycetic astracitoma,

which we just call it a JPA, but it's just, it's a juvenile tumor. It's something you find in kids, and it's relatively manageable when you find it when you're young. I was basically an anomaly. People don't keep this tumor for as long as I did. It's very rare. It's something that they don't see very often. I think my surgeon said he'd seen something similar to it twice in his career. And he was old. Like most steady hands in the entire world, but he was old. And so knowing that was kind of a little freaky too, like how the hell did this happen? With my cerebellum being squished again, how is she playing all these sports? How is she doing any of this? It just doesn't make sense. and that's kind of where the whole medical miracle medical anomaly came up and that I knew at that point

like I've made it this far with the tumor how much further can I go without it right um so during again that post-op first appointment my doctor told me the ventricles that line the top of your brain were so squished we give you we were going to give you three months max until you were dead those ventricles were going to burst in your brain and you were just going to die instantly. And hearing that freaked me out. And I think they knew that prior to my surgery, but they obviously held off on that information. Imagine if you weren't getting those like things. Imagine if they sent me home from the ear. Well, that. Without getting my skin. Exactly. I tell everybody advocate for yourself. Yeah. And even the fact that like if you didn't happen to get that thing when you were turning your neck,

you were actually getting sick. Like if you were if you just kept going on with migraines, there's a chance that you would have gone on another few months. Oh, yeah. Just like, oh, I just had bad migraines. Until I just was done. Yeah. There are so many things that came up. But when we found out what the tumor was, everything started to click.

When I was, gosh, I told you, I was between six and eight. I want to say I was six or seven. I had what is called early onset puberty. So I started getting like hair everywhere. And my mom was like, this is my baby. She shouldn't be going through puberty this early. She took me to an endocrinologist. And having early onset puberty is one of the number one indicators of the kind of tumor I had.

And this endocrinologist didn't even think like, oh, we should just let's give her a CT scan, see what's going on. He just said she's got early onset puberty. She'll be fine. Send her home. No big deal. Which doesn't make any sense because I ended up going through my first cycle when I was like 14 or 15. So like that huge age discrepancy is very odd. But then it was the sleeping for 36 hours.

Like I said, I could do it. No problem. The migraines, I was suffering. The mood swings. I had the worst mood swings. And this was all prior to finding out anything. Like high school me was probably a nightmare. I would assume.

I had like the resting bitch face. The fuck you written across my forehead. That sounds like me. Yeah. Oh. I did not. Like when I didn't give a shit. I was like none of these people.

I'm ever going to see again. I walked around high school with headphones in. I just did not care. I did not want to be around them. And then I would go home and I would just get pissy. Like I would just scream for no reason. I would get angry. I'd tell people to leave me the fuck alone. All I wanted to do was be in my bedroom. My parents called me a vampire because I just needed all of the lights off. I needed it to be dark and I wanted to be alone. And I did fine in school. Like I was doing great. I had 163 unexcused absences my senior year because I would go home and take naps. I needed to sleep. So you were tired all the time too?

All the time. All the time. And playing competitive tennis at this point, that was my sport. I took privates all the time. I was playing year-round. I was training. I had to do, I had to lift weights. I had to take all the courses.

And then I obviously had practices and matches. Like I was constantly active. And I think that, I mean, hindsight is because of the tumor, but it was just the overly stress, like overly stressing my body, working too hard. And then going to school and I was passing all my classes. I graduated with a 3A. I did just fine. But that all just culminated into just you're going to be tired all the time, which was just

miserable. But again, finding out now why I was the way that I was is a little bit comforting because I wasn't just a psychopath who had hormone issues. I had a brain tumor. Yeah, I had a brain tumor, which, you know, not a great thing, but the excuse is the excuse. My parents actually call it that my whole family. Oh, don't drop the brain tumor card, Molly. I have no filter.

I'm going to drop the brain tumor card. So that kind of was very interesting to find out, like all of the things that led up to the tumor that, again, the revolving door in that hospital setting is she's fine, chalk it up, no problem, send her home. Right. It's like you have to push. You have to push. And so, I mean, gosh, I told my mom she could easily go sue this doctor for totally sending me home knowing that I had a brain tumor and doing nothing about it. But just everything that compiled was really interesting.

And when we noticed all of those things, it was very telling. We all kind of had this light ball. Like, oh, it makes so much sense now. Right. I was able to go back to school actually after the, after the slay. summer, I pushed myself really hard. So I had surgery in May, the very end of May. I went back for school in August. I did one class. I had to really take it easy. My doctors did tell me, like, you got to treat your body like you're 60. So were you going into school? Okay. I went into school.

And I was riding the light rail because I lived at home. So I was able to take a train to school because I was just going to school in the city. And my mom was like, nope, you're going to start driving yourself. I remember when I drove for the first time, I was absolutely terrified. Could you turn your neck at this point? Yes. So I... So I ended up after a few, like this was probably three months, I want to say, or two months that was a lot of just recovery at home, going to the doctor. I remember getting my staples out. I totally passed out. My blood pressure dropped tremendously. Was that painful getting them out? Oh my God. Very. And you think it wouldn't be because like I now have no feeling on my scalp at all in the back. Like I burnt my. You don't really. No. My bone can feel it, which is weird. Like I can feel it inside. I don't know. But not the skin. My skin. I've burnt my head a couple of times trying to use like heating tools. Wait, so do they say, so was a cancerous or was it? No. Okay. Yeah. Sorry. No, you're fine. So it was benign. It is not hereditary. It obviously should not grow back now. But just something that I was born with. And. And. And.

something that just needed to be taken out of my brain. Regardless it needed to go. And it was growing, right? Like when you were born, it wasn't that size. Right. Yes. It grew obviously really slowly. And I think where it was made it grow a lot slower because there is no space in the

middle of your brain. I mean, and I'll show you my MRI after this. It's crazy to see how massive this whole situation was in the middle. But now I do have like a small little hole in my brain where cerebral spinal fluid kind of just floats around. So I do sometimes have issues still with like dizziness. And I can't drink the way I used to. I can't. I mean, I still get really bad migraines. The pressure changes with weather. So the barometric pressure when it gets really cold outside or when we're getting a snowstorm in Colorado, it's miserable. I get wicked migraines. They last for like three days. I obviously get a

of pain in this area. I get phantom pains, but I also get pain where that plate is because the plate gets cold. It's not like something I can keep warm. So it gets really, really cold in the winter specifically, which is miserable. But I still deal with a lot of things following surgery. I know I'm kind of like bouncing all over the place now. So how long ago was the surgery now? Five years this past May. Right. Okay. So I mean, it took me a while. I did end up going back to school for that one class. And then I was able to finish out my semester in 2019. I graduated. So it took me a year longer than normal, but I was okay with it because that was like a goal of mine. I'm going to go graduate specifically for my dad, but I went and graduated, which was really cool.

And that was a very fulfilling moment. I went back to work pretty much as quickly as I could as as soon as I started school. And my doctors were a little pissed at me. They were like, you're pushing yourself way too hard. You are going to. You are going to. way too hard. You are exhausting yourself. You're stressing yourself out. You're going to make this recovery take a lot longer. I needed to slow down. And I just like can't. I couldn't slow down because then I felt like I wasn't progressing. So I just, I still kept doing it. I started, I mean, I take medications just ever so often now if I have migraines. But I did have, again, a lot of repercussions. I found out that I had a lot of hormonal issues.

of where my hypothalamus was impacted, I had to start kind of taking different medications for, like, bipolar disorder and anxiety and depression. I started to deal with things that I've never had before in my life. I've never dealt with. And that was all from how the tumor was. Where the tumor was. And having it taken out now, everything was able to kind of expand back into as much as it could back into its normal spot. So I was starting to get all of these functions back that I really hadn't had for a while. So I was experiencing a lot of things that I had never experienced before. And like claustrophobia, I get really claustrophobic now.

And I used to never be claustrophobic ever. I never had a problem with being in small spaces. Anxiety. I get panic attacks all the time. So, and you think that's from just like PTSD from everything? Yeah. And I think too, it's just like I sometimes have hormonal overload. I don't know.

And I just, I overthink everything. And then I stress myself out. and then my system goes off. You're done. You're done. You're going to be exhausted. You're going to be moody. You need to just shut down for a while.

And I still, obviously, I still deal with that. And that's something I'll have to deal with the rest of my life. But no, I can't drink. I had no filter prior to any of this. When I drink, I say whatever the fuck I want. And I am so unapologetic. And I could give two shits. Who I hurt, what I say.

I just speak my mind, speak my truth. And it can be really bad. I actually messed up Thanksgiving last year really bad to where I got sent home. Yeah. I really, I don't necessarily know exactly what I did. I know I was really inappropriate, probably a little too sexual, was told. So were you, is it that you were, like, that was just from like drinking in general or like you think it has to do with my tumor? Because I, I, I, before I had surgery.

I would drink and I did a bunch of stuff and I partied. I mean, I went to raves in high school. I did elicit drugs. I've done this stuff. So it's like more recent that now it's like when you drink it's. Oh yeah. After surgery. I didn't drink for a while. I haven't touched anything. I don't smoke weed. I don't do any of that and I haven't touched any of that stuff since I at least gosh for a while before surgery. But since I had surgery, I'm terrified to do anything. I don't even like taking like a Tylenol. I just hate it. I know. I feel like it's one of those things too where it's like, yeah, it's great that the tumor's out. But now because it was in there your whole life, it's like, okay, how is my body going to react to A, B, and C? You know what I mean? Because it's different.

Exactly. I'm totally relearning the whole thing. I lost a lot of weight after surgery. And I remember a lot of people being like, is that because of your tumor? Like what's going on? And I was terrified to put anything in my body, I thought I was going to start having allergic reactions. I didn't know if I had to just completely start my system over. And so I just kind of, I tried step by step to reintroduce everything into my body. And it was a process, but never going to do a drug again, that's for sure. And I don't drink as much as I used to. Ever since Thanksgiving, it's a good go. Ever since the Thanksgiving. I can never drink again. No, I don't drink a ton just out of respect for the people who are around me, unless I'm just at home with my man's, then, you know, maybe we'll have a couple

of drinks, but I can probably say too many things to him too, which I shouldn't. You can't be trusted. And I, no, I can't. I can't control it. I really can relate. Maybe not to the fullest extent, but I can relate. I can't control it. And it's, I mean, it could be detrimental. I definitely, it took me a while to be able to see that side of my family again after Thanksgiving for sure. I mean, yes, I definitely have no filter. I'll say whatever the fuck I want. I will do whatever the fuck I want. I could care less what people think about me. Yeah.

This was a different setting. Maybe not the best. Maybe not the best family to be around either. Like I have two different sides of families. So like my dad's side, my mom's side, my mom's side I am much more comfortable with. I'm much more open with. They know me so much better. They know that like, oh, that's just Molly.

Molly does whatever the fuck she wants to do. This is a little bit different because we're not as close with my dad's side of the family. and I wish I had something to say other than like I don't know what to do. Oh my God. Definitely embarrassing to see them a couple of times after. It's a story that you have now. Oh, yeah. And you can just blame the tumor.

And that's what I do. He's the best crutch. My dad named him Jimmy. There you go. Yeah. So Jimmy is the best, best crutch for everything, though. Like, well, you didn't get your homework done on time. Yeah, I know I'm sorry.

I had a brain tumor. It takes me a little bit longer. He's not there anymore. I did so well with him. So I'm just trying to recalibrate my baby. That's crazy though. That like certain things like that, whether it's like alcohol or even like you said like maybe weed or something, it could just totally have a different reaction.

I am so scared to touch that stuff ever again. That is crazy. Yeah. I mean it's been since I want to say my freshman year first semester of college that I have literally touched anything except for alcohol. So I'm sure I would have. some sort of panic attack at the most at the least amount yeah but i mean spins i don't ever want to have the spins again no right that was miserable but i mean now i am so lucky i've gotten to a point

where i graduated college i work a normal job i'm in a stable relationship i live by myself i don't have to allow my parents as much as i used to which is nice and i've kind of had that huge weight-lif it off my shoulders with this past May being that five years brain tumor free because those five years leading up to that, I still had it in the back of my mind. Like, what if it comes back? What am I going to do? Am I going to have surgery again? And am I just going to have radiation? Like, what are they going to suggest? Am I going to just have to live with it and take meds and hope it doesn't kill me? Like, I didn't know. And so when I got the, like, that final five years and they told me you don't have to come back for two years now for my MRI.

I used to go, I went twice a year for the first two years and then once a year for the last three. Okay. And now I can go every two years, which is really nice. Yeah. But I mean, every time I went to the neural with an image, I just had to hold my breath. Yeah. And my doctors just kept harping, you know, you're going to be exhausted.

You're going to have stress. You're going to get migraines. And it's all manageable with rest and don't push yourself. I have to treat myself like a 60-year-old, which is so shitty being, I'm going to be 27 in February. Having to deal with that just sucks because I want to do all of these things. I would love to go out and celebrate with people or go have a drink or go do something fun. Even my job, I exhaust myself so much that I just get so run down my weekends. I try and relax.

And my boyfriend, he is an adventurer. He likes to go out and do stuff. So I try and push myself to do that. But then it just turns into like, I need to sleep for 12 hours. I get 10 hours of sleep every night. I go to bed at like 8. Good for you. Sometimes, well, I try to go to bed at 8 because I'm always up at 6 because of the cats.

But I feel like it's really good to sleep that much and get that. Because honestly, even for me, when I go to bed past like 10 or 11, grannies, right? Yeah. Sleep is important for anybody. Oh, yeah. So especially with something like what you've went through and that kind of traumatic thing inside your brain, it's like it's so crucial.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And I think too, I feel like I feel like I can see why like you'd want to push yourself to do those things. But at the same time, it's like your health comes first. Yes. Yes. I feel like, I mean, what are you?

I don't want to say what are you really missing? out on. But like when it comes to going out and like getting those drinks. Oh, I'm over that. You know what I mean? I'm so over that. It's like it's one of those things that there's going to, I feel like you're going to have those moments every now and then where it's like, okay, I got enough sleep. Like I can go and I can enjoy that. Yeah. But at the same time, it's like treating yourself to the best of your ability and like giving yourself that time and that recovery and the rest, even though it's been that five years, it's like it's still so crucial and important. For all of us, even those who haven't gone through something like that. Yeah. But you know, I think that I think that, I think.

think it's cool though that your boyfriend is like, you know, the adventure. Because I feel like it does to some degree, like if you have that enough energy, it'll push you to like, okay, like I'll go. You know what I mean? Yeah. I always go with him. I definitely take advantage of that. I was going to say too, at the same time, I feel like kind of going back to what you said about, um, you can either have the will to like live or die. It's like you could if you, maybe if you didn't have like a really good support group, you could fall into this trap of like almost beaming yourself too much We're like, you never want to go out of the house and it's like you sleep too much. Yeah.

I feel like it does sound like you have a really good balance. I found a happy medium. Yeah. And I like to go a little bit more than I should. Yeah. Because you're young. I'm young. I don't want to stop my life and truly be a 60 year old woman.

Right. I'm not ready for that. No. Right. And I'm sure you'll go through phases too of like you'll have like a week or a month where you're like, I want to be 60 and then you'll have a week like I want to be 27. Yeah. But I was going to say something.

I can't remember. But no, I think that, I think, too, certain things suck in the sense of like, okay, maybe you can't really like drink anymore because you get a little nuts. I'm okay with it. And there's things too. At this point. I feel like anything in life, you know, things are going to change. You know, you're going to go through changes sometimes.

You know, when we're younger, we could drink and party. And now even when you get older and you start getting hangovers and then you can't drink as much. It's like there's always going to be little things that you kind of have to adjust. But I think that the fact that you. survived something so traumatic and like literally beat past like all of these odds like you said like they usually find these tumors and kids yeah and the fact that you made it all the way to what 21 with it that's crazy you know what I mean so it's just it's totally nuts and I think too I wanted to mention earlier I feel like the whole process that you went through and obviously you know this

but it makes you so much stronger as a person you know I think that it's so important you know for people to experience something that makes them have to fight. You know what I mean? Yeah. Not that it should be a brain tumor. No. But just something that gives them, like you said, once again, you either keep going and you push yourself forward or you let it just eat you alive.

Yes. And I feel like the fact that you had to go through something that just forced you to just keep pushing and come out on top of it, it just gives you this whole new outlook, I feel like, on life. Yes. To appreciate those small things. Right. And just everything in general.

Because, you know, I think that it really, it can teach you a lot about yourself and about life as a whole. And just even like you were saying too, like how you started living for that, the moment of things like before your surgery. Yeah. It's like you start to realize like how important those little things are. And it's like, you know what? I'm just going to live every second.

Like this could be it. You know? And I feel like that's really important to know because I think it's so easy to get wrapped up in just life. And sometimes being like so stressed and miserable. and it's like we really don't know. In regards to like getting my story out there is one, I would love to just help anybody who's going through something similar or watching somebody go through it.

I think it's important to hear that, you know, there are people who can come out on the positive side. I did try and go to some like group, brain tumor support groups. And I felt so guilty going to those because everybody was kind of just way worse off than I was and it was a lot harder above a process for them and it should have been really hard for me. Again, I don't know why I did as well as I did. They kept calling me a medical miracle like this anomaly. It just is so rare. It doesn't happen. Well, and I think too, you know, there's always going to be people in the world that when they go through something, they don't have as good as

as good of a support group and they don't have like it's not an easy process. Not that yours was, But like you said, you were lucky you had your family and that you got so lucky in the ways that you even made it as long as you did. Yes. But I think that that's like it just makes it a miracle. It makes it even more something to be even more grateful for. Absolutely. But I can see how you said like you like if you, like did you just not feel like you fit in there because it wasn't. Yeah. I just it yeah. And I was recovering and I think some of them actually did have cancerous brain tumors, which was a lot harder. And they're not very likely to survive those kinds of tumors. And I think just being as strong as I was and totally fine, I think I might have waited a little too long to go to those support groups. And so I only went to like two of them and I stopped. But if I had gone immediately after surgery, I would have felt a little bit more comfortable because I was still kind of obviously recovering. But no, I just, I couldn't do that because I just felt guilty. Like I was totally fine and all of these people are still suffering. I think now, though, I've come around to being okay sharing my story.

And I just want people to know that, you know, you have people around you, regardless of if it's your family or your friends, you have support. You can find the most absolute amazing team. Your body is incredible. Your recovery is the way that you recover from things is just profound. It's rare to even, like, think about in that way that it's, you. you can be just fine. And then you can will yourself to live and be grateful for all of your experiences. But that number one thing was definitely advocate for yourself because they don't,

it's a revolving door. Yeah. They don't want you there. And there's so many, right, they have so many people coming in with, that think they're dying. Yeah. Technically, you know, and I think too, you know, right. And I feel like unless you're specifically calling like a specialist, then you're probably not going to have people wanting to run every single test. Right. So, yeah, I mean, I 100% agree that if you really feel like something's wrong, trust your body. Yes. You know, and what it's telling you. Yeah. My mom tells me now, she's like, I will never discount anything you say to me. Right. I will never, never, never tell you you're wrong. And it's true. And right. And nothing, you know, no knock to your mom either. But even when it

comes to like, you know, maybe family or friends, like, if you genuinely inside of your body feel like, okay, something's not right. Like you said how you eventually went to your dad and you were like, something's wrong. Right. It's like no matter who it is, if you don't feel right, you should always just push to figure it. Because the best case scenario is it's nothing. Right. But you might, it's better to.

Yes. It's some clarity. Yeah. For sure. But I think what's really weird now when I talk to people about it is I tell them how grateful I am for the experience. I would not do anything differently again if I had. the brain tumor and I had figured it out the same way. I would have gone about it the exact same way.

I would have tried to live my life to the fullest and gone through the surgery. I probably wouldn't have been so aggressive in pushing myself to recover and I probably would have tried to maintain more composure because I did let my emotions get the best of me sometimes. But I am so beyond grateful because I've met a lot of really incredible people. I've been able to communicate my story and just touch as many people as I can. And I know how short life really is. And I will never take it for granted. And I've done a lot of things that I think I probably shouldn't have done. And I think a lot of us have been there. But now I just, it's like a keep moving forward thing and do what you love. Like I told you, I'm a nanny. I take care of kids for living. And I manage a household. And I

absolutely love it. It is my dream. It's my passion. And it's so unconventional. And people, I'm sure, judge me when they hear that that's what I do as a 27-year-old, but I love it. Well, I was going to say, too, like, it's funny because when you were saying how growing up that's like always what you wanted to be as a mom, like it makes sense to me. Yes. And it really does prove to me that you're doing that because that's what you love and that's what you want to be. And it's what I want to do. Yeah. And it's, I mean, it's not like it's not a lucrative business. And I love it. I love what I do. And I just have been so blessed to find the most amazing family that I work for. I just love their kids. I love these people. They're amazing. But everybody has.

kind of just kept me moving forward and been the most amazing support. And now I'm finally able to kind of do it on my own, which I really appreciate. And I'm finally, you know, starting my life. I'm finally getting to a point where I feel comfortable doing everything that I've ever wanted to do. I actually made a live list when I was in the hospital. And this was before I had surgery. And it was kind of like, as soon as I find out that I'm okay, I'm doing all these things. I started, I mean, I got a couple of tattoos, which I love. And I'm the only person in my family who has tattoos. and that's a total taboo thing, but I was like, I'm getting tattoos. I bleached my hair blonde.

I was blonde for a hot minute. I graduated school. I did everything I wanted to do. But now it's just coming down to like being a wife and a mom. Those are my last two things, which I'm sure I could probably make this massively long list, but I didn't want it to be like some ridiculous thing. Like I would never jump out of an airplane. Right.

So that would never be on my list anyway. But I just wanted it to be things that I could definitely reach. but now I just have those two left, which I'm excited about because I see that in my future. And that's what's important to you, which is all that matters. Yes. Yeah. I'm really, really lucky. And I'm really grateful it happened. Yeah, that's amazing.

And I think, too, like you said, I feel like everybody in general, like whether you're going through something serious or not, everyone should have those lists and those little things that they want to do and just and do them when they have the time. Absolutely. You never know. Right. Anything could happen. This could all be all of our last day. We never know. Exactly.

So it's really important to just do the things that you love, like you said, and make you happy. Tell everybody you love them. Don't ever not express your emotions, especially towards your family and your friends, always tell your people you love them. And your list doesn't have to be aggressive. Like mine was, see a Paramore concert, go to Disney World. Like it was just the most minimal things, but just massive goals that you feel like you've attained. And I mean, I like that.

I'm kind of a smaller goal kind of person. So reach your small goals and then work towards that super. big goal, but like in tiny little steps, which is totally fine. For sure. Well, I think that's amazing. Thank you. And your story's amazing. You're amazing. And thank you so much for sharing it. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Of course. I really do think too, like I said, I know I always say this in different ways on the show, but I really do think that your story is so important because there's probably a lot of people that don't always feel great, like physically. And they just kind of accept it. And I feel like it's important to hear that like you shouldn't. And like I said, even if you,

even if the answer is that it's nothing, I think it's important to hear that like it's not like you knew right away what was going on. It took some time and work to figure out like, oh, this is what's wrong with me. And now I have to get an immediate surgery. Yeah, it was my whole life. Yeah. It was crazy. But just, yeah, advocate for yourself. Push for what you need. Awesome. Well, thank you so much. Thank you. This is fun.