We're All Insane - Abused By a Pedophile

Episode Date: August 30, 2026

This week, a survivor opens up about the deeply disturbing story of being sexually abused by an adult woman he trusted when he was just 11 years old. He shares how the grooming began, how he was manipulated into believing the abuse was love, the shame and confusion he carried for years, and how the trauma continues to affect his relationships, substance use, and healing today. Sponsored By: → HERS | Ready to reach your goals? Visit https://forhers.com/insane to get personalized, affordable care that gets you. On This Episode We Cover:  → 00:00:00 - Introduction  → 00:04:09 - What Was His Childhood Like? → 00:06:22 - What Was Happening at Home? → 00:08:32 - How Did He Meet His Abuser? → 00:13:22 - Why Did He Trust Her? → 00:19:00 - When Did Grooming Turn Into Abuse? → 00:24:02 - Why Did She Make Him Keep It a Secret? → 00:27:22 - Why Was She Giving Kids Drugs and Alcohol? → 00:33:46 - Did the Abuse Affect His Sexuality? → 00:36:08 - Why Did She Say He Would “Latch Onto” Her? → 00:36:48 - When Did the Sexual Abuse Escalate? → 00:41:44 - How Did the Abuse Affect His Family? → 00:44:34 - Why Couldn’t He Connect With His Mom? → 00:46:04 - Did His Friends Suspect What Was Happening? → 00:48:18 - How Did the Abuse Affect School and Friendships? → 00:51:34 - How did the abuse continue as he got older? → 00:55:06 - Why didn’t anyone intervene? → 01:00:00 - What happened when her niece came to visit? → 01:07:04 - When did he first try to end the relationship? → 01:10:44 - Why did the abuse start again? → 01:13:50 - When was the last time he saw his abuser? → 01:14:14 - How did he tell his fiancée what happened? → 01:16:22 - When did he finally start therapy? → 01:19:42 - What happened when he saw his abuser again? → 01:26:04 - Why does he want to speak out about his story? → 01:31:50 - What does he want other survivors to know? Further Listening → I Dated My PredatorMore We Are All Insane: → OFFICIAL MERCH NOW AVAILABLE - code INSANE10 gets you 10% off for a limited time → Join We’re All Insane Mailing List for EXCLUSIVE Content + Discounts  For ad-free, uncensored videos and plenty of exclusive content please subscribe to the We Are All Insane subscription channel at https://wereallinsane.supportingcast.fm/. It's $5.99 a month and watchable on Apple and Android mobile apps, Roku TV, Apple TV and Amazon Fire. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello. I am a 22-year-old male from the Pacific Northwest. I'm here to tell my story about what happened to me from the ages of 11 to 13. I was groomed and sexually assaulted by my best friend's mom. And I want to start off by saying a couple of things first. The first thing is, you know i want to i want to say what what i want to get out of this i didn't come on here just to um just to obviously to relieve some of this off of my chest and um but the main thing is to bring awareness to this i feel like this sort of topic you know is i feel like there's a a big or a large of people in society where, you know, they would think that something like this would be cool or, you know, they would feel lucky if this happened to them. And it's not, it's not what

people may think, you know, it's, I have endured a lot of trauma that I didn't really necessarily think was trauma during the time, you know, I didn't think it was trauma for the longest time. I didn't think it was rape. I didn't think it was abuse. I thought that I wanted everything that happened to me. And that was just not true. You know, I'm still, I'm 22 and I'm, you know, little over a decade removed from this abuse and I am still or I am just now realizing the effects you know it's been about a year where everything kind of just

regurgitated out of my system and just like hit me all at once you know and it was really scary I had panic attacks and then I realized that I needed therapy And that was, so that was one thing that I wanted to talk about before I started. The next thing was, you know, I really want to thank you. Of course. Or let me come on here and tell my story. You know, this is, this is definitely going to help me talk to somebody else that's not my therapist or my fiancé.

And those are pretty much the only two people that know about this. And yeah, so I want to thank you. You know, I'm a big fan. I've listened to pretty much every episode on this podcast. Thank you for your support and for watching. I appreciate it. And I'm so grateful that, you know, I tell people too, I wouldn't be able to do this show without people like you

that are willing to open up and be vulnerable. And I think that it can be really easy to listen to these stories. I think there's two ways. It's like we can listen to these stories and be like kind of nonchalant and think, yeah, everybody's a story. people are just coming on and sharing. And then there's this other lens of it's not easy to do. You know, people are becoming so vulnerable and opening themselves up to telling the

worst parts of their lives, basically. And that's not easy. So the fact that, you know, I'm so grateful that I have people like you that are willing to trust the space that I've created to do that. And it ultimately helps so many people. You know, it's incredible that it does what it does. Yeah. Okay, so I want to start my story years before my abuse started.

So I want to just give a background of myself. You know, my family immigrated here from South America. and when I arrived here, I started school in the second grade. I didn't know a lick of English. I didn't know anybody. My parents didn't know anybody. They didn't have family here. So, you know, I started school, and I was really,

I remember being really scared because I didn't know what people were saying. I didn't know any, I didn't know anything, basically. But, you know, I adapted pretty quickly. I was a smart, smart child, smart boy. My parents were good parents. They, you know, they tried their best with what they had. They were really hardworking parents, loving parents. And I owe everything to them.

You know, probably around third grade. is when I started to pick more, you know, language up. I started to make friends. I started to just be happier. I remember in third grade, you know, I was a book, a bookworm. I loved reading. I loved spending time with my friends. I loved playing video games going outside, hanging out. I have two brothers. I love my brothers. We would play all the time. So we were pretty happy kids. And that was third and fourth grade and even fifth grade are some of my happiest memories. And it's something that I look back on and I really envy that child, you know. It's like that was everything before it all started and see myself so innocent, you know.

And I wish I could go back in that time before everything. growing up my parents had their struggles by the time i was in third and fourth grade you know i started realizing that my parents did not get along and uh they didn't get along most most of the time and i would be i would be afraid to come home and be in that hostile environment they would they would be angry my dad would be mad most of the time he'd come home from work long working long hours he was always working as a child when I was a kid you know trying to provide for our family and uh but he was you could see that it took a toll on him and at the same time my mom started abusing alcohol and uh she was a

alcoholic for most of my childhood and the things that me and my brothers would see after coming home from school in third, fourth, and fifth grade, you know, that's something I wouldn't wish on anybody, you know, seeing my mom just belligerent drunk at 4, 5 p.m. Seeing her some days, you know, struggling to even walk because, you know, you know, she was so drunk. And that part of my life is really hard to talk about still. And I haven't talked about it with much or many people. But that's a little bit of background as to what I was doing at home. And this would evidently be something that my abuser would pray on. Yeah, she knew exactly what she was doing.

I first became friends with her sons. So she had four sons, my age, and a couple of stepkids, and two sons of her own. And she had a daughter that wasn't really around much. I first met her sons, you know, in like fifth grade,

I started playing sports. I was doing pretty much anything that I could to, you know, not be home in that. And I focused on sports. I focused on school. I was a pretty good student in school. You know, I was still reading a lot. I was still, I took pride in, you know, being a good student.

And, you know, when they say that kids either resort to, you know, lashing out and being bad, basically. in another form they use is trying to be straighties through it. You know, that's a sign. It could be a sign of abuse in kids. And that's what I want to do. You know, I took pride in my work. I took pride in doing good in school, doing good in sports. And I noticed that that was the only way that I could get praise for my parents.

And that's something that, you know, still to this day I struggle with. I take a lot of pride in my hard work and my professional career. And a lot of happiness that I have now directly ties to how well I'm doing at work or what my performance is at work or how well I'm doing in life. And that's still something that I'm pulling apart in therapy and trying to work through in therapy because it's not healthy. If you have tried everything to lose weight and you're still just feeling stuck, I am here to tell you that this summer is about to be different. Weight loss by hers is designed to help support you in reaching your goals with an access of affordable range FDA-approved GLP-1 medications such as the Wagovi pill and the Wagovi pen.

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I was spent a lot of time away from home. I met my friends, her sons. During that time, we played sports together. This was around fifth grade. We started playing baseball, football. And I would be going over to their house a lot. And before, I knew her for probably a year and a half before it actually started. when I would come over there, when I would be at their house.

You know, I spent a lot of time there. And at this point, I had a cell phone. And I was a fifth grader. I had a cell phone. I had a phone number. And I don't know how it started, but we started texting me and this lady. And she was about, I would say she was 32, 33 during this time. And this is about a year and a half after meeting her, right?

No, this is, this is wild during that time. So I probably started hanging out. You know, this is all really fuzzy still. Yeah. Tried to really sit down and think about all the events, everything leading up to it. But it's still really blocked in my head. Yeah. But, okay, so fifth grade, I started going over there and hanging out with her and staying in the night,

stay in weekends with them. And during that same time from fifth to sixth grade, I would be texting her pretty much every day. Okay, gotcha. And what kind of things would she be texting you? That's kind of the mystery, because what would you have in common with an 11-year-old woman that you would be texting every day?

Like during those times, is that when she was kind of praying on you think your home life? Yeah, so I would basically, you know, vent to her about my parents and how how sad I am at home and what my parents fought about this time and basically just telling her that I didn't want to be home, you know, and she would come pick me up. She would take me from, pick me up from baseball practice, from baseball games, and during this time, she would be telling me how handsome I am, how, um, how perfect my teeth are, how juicy my lips looked, like so my lips look so kissable,

just weird stuff like that. And she was very bold, you know, she said this in front of her sons, her husband. She didn't care. What was her husband's reaction? It wasn't anything that was, it was just more like he would just say things like after she'd say like you know she'd say my name said you have such kissable lips or whatever he'd just be like sweetie or something like yeah honey you can't say that um but he would think in the beginning of of you and her texting and you being able to vent to her do you think in the beginning it felt safe

yeah i really looked at her as a mother figure I admired her. You know, she was a strong woman, and she didn't care what anybody thought of her. She was, you know, she was smart. She was loving. And for that year and a half that I knew her before the abuse started, you know, she was very nurturing.

She was very reassuring. And I truly saw her as, as this. smother figure that I didn't have because my mom would not be there. She wasn't there for me. Yeah. She would be drunk pretty much every single day and that really, I hate, I don't like blaming my parents. And I don't, I hate to say it, but they really did not. They didn't. I don't know how to say this. They weren't very involved. You know, they didn't check my phone what I was doing on there. But you say there was no, like, no rules, really?

Not really, no. Okay. It was just kind of, you know, they would, we'd have food at the house. Yeah. You'd have a place to sleep. Right, you could survive. Yeah. We could survive, right?

Right. But, yeah, as far as having a parental figure, it was pretty much not. non-existent. And so, yeah, I really saw her as a mother figure. And thinking back on it now, it's really hard because I wonder if that was all just an act. If all that before was just something to get close to me, just to, if she really knew what she was doing. And I believe she did. Yeah, I was going to say, too, I think if you are doing something.

that predatory, to some degree, you have to have a strategy. You know, like I feel like especially when you're, it's not like she was somebody random. You know, she had her own kid, she had her own family. And I think that she was very aware of your situation. So I think that she definitely used that to her advantage. During this time where I'd be texting her, there'd be a lot of people around me that would be like, why are you texting her, you know? why are you texting her?

That's not your mom or anything. Like, that's weird. And, you know, I would just say, you know, she's like my second mom. I spent a lot of over there and I'm a really good friend with her sons, you know. So that was a lot. That was something that throughout this whole thing, so many people would ask me, you know, what's going on? This is weird. You know, this is really weird.

In fact, at one point, I was at a bonfire with some of my friends, and one of their older brothers comes up to me and says, you know, one day I'm going to get you really drunk and you're going to tell us if you are having sex with her in front of one of her sons. And I was about 12 at that time. But yeah, so this continued, you know, I'd be texting her. and I remember one day after a baseball game, I was, I'll remember this for the rest of my life. I remember I was just about to take a shower and I was texting her. I said,

I love you with a kissing face. And then she said, would you? And I was like, what? What do you mean? Would you? I just stared at the message for like 10 minutes, I think.

And then she was like, oh, I'm just kidding. Don't be freaked out. And I said, is this really you? I thought it was one of your sons. And she said, no, yeah, it's really me. I was wondering if you would kiss me. And, you know, I don't even remember what I said or how. how I felt, but I said yes.

You know, I don't know in what context I said it, but I know that I said yes. And then it was planned out. I'll pick you up from, if you want to come over this weekend, I'll pick you up from school and we can kiss, which is, I can't even believe. This all seems so surreal now. I don't even believe myself since,

times that this stuff happened. Yeah. I feel like no matter how much I clean or vacuum, there's always stuff floating around in the air like dust, pet hair, random debris, especially with all of the animals that I have in this house. That is why Air Doctor is the only air purifier that I use in this home. Air Doctor uses a powerful three-stage filtration system that captures really tiny particles that are actually a hundred times smaller than any other air purifier can capture. And it really helps capture things that you do not want to be breathing in, such as dust, smoke odors, bacteria, viruses, VOCs, pet dander, pollen, mold spores, and so much more. One of my favorite features about it is that it is whisper quiet, so you literally don't even know that it's on. And my second

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Oikos Pro, feed your strength. Visit oikos.ca for more details. It's just unbelievable to me that someone would do this. Right. So how long after that text until you saw her? That was probably a Tuesday or it was during the week and that same weekend is when I saw her. She picked me up from school on Friday and she, we were driving to her house. in her in her car and uh i remember her asking me so are you serious about what you told me and i was i remember being in so much fear i don't know if it was fear or i was just anxious or i was just

nervous and i don't know what but i remember probably all of it yeah yeah i remember my body just shaking i could not stop shaking i was so cold even on the car was heaters blasting because it was in the middle of winter. I was just shivering. My body was shaking. My lips quivered. I couldn't really look at her. And, you know, I told her, yeah, I want to do this.

And before we did it, she told me, you know, this is something, this is something that will mess you up, she said. She said that to you. She said that to me. She said, you know, this is something that's going to hurt you. You're not, this isn't, I remember her saying like, you don't want this. You don't really want this. I would tell her, yeah, I do. I do want this.

But I remember her telling me that this isn't going to be good for me and all regret in my future, which is just like. Right. Like, clearly she was very self-aware of what she was doing. Yeah. and so you know we parked in her driveway and we talked for a little bit and then yeah we kissed and that was my first kiss she was my first kiss and it was I don't know how to even describe it you know the feeling was just surreal still. I didn't believe it was happening. And as a young boy, you know, I, I, I felt like I really did want this. You know, I felt like, you know, she was an attractive woman. She was,

you know, she took care of herself and she was, yeah, she had good character traits and she was loving and she treated me well. And so I was attracted to her and I did believe that I wanted this. But after that kiss, it just escalated so much from there. It felt like once she knew that she had me, she was like, she like just sunk her claws in and really just did whatever and try to get us alone any time that she could. Did she ever tell you not? not to tell anybody and to keep it between you guys? Oh, yeah. And she would tell me,

she would tell me that if I ever told someone, no one would ever find me. And that she would take me onto the woods and she would get rid of me. And then she would just laugh after and like, say, I'm just joking. But yeah, she told me that this is something that has to take between us, you know, she could get in trouble, I could get in trouble,

I couldn't see my friends anymore, you know, I'd have to be at home all the time. And so that was a really big fear of mine where, you know, I can't say anything because either she would kill me or my whole life would be blown up from this. And I also did genuinely care about her. I didn't want her to go away, you know. She was the only adult that I could trust and that I felt safe around. And she supported me through most of my elementary, or through the end of my elementary and into junior high. She bought me clothes. She would take me to on vacation. She would buy me gear for the sports that I played. So she really supported me in that way. And I was getting really close with her with her sons, too.

and from the very beginning this dynamic of hiding this big thing and shit and hiding the secret from my best friends in the world knowing that this was going on with their mom and that I was coming into their house and doing this behind their back and behind their dad's back looking at it now I'm it's not me obviously i don't i don't blame myself but that was really just it's just gross you know it's disgusting and that's a lot of the shame that i have to deal with now is that part of it that's something that i struggle with daily but yeah yeah so this was around sixth grade when it all started, I think it was, you know, the end of sixth grade, I was going, I was going into seventh grade. That summer, sixth grade, in between six and seventh grade, that summer, you know, that's when I would be over there at their house pretty much every single day, every single weekend. There was a lot of opportunity for us to be alone. One memory that, you know,

that circulates in my mind a lot. It was probably from that summer. She would, then she, this is something really, something big that she would do to try to get us free time and a long time. She would, you know, she would feed me and her kids, like edibles, marijuana edibles and alcohol. and there'd be like, you know, six of us kids packed in her car, and we basically go out and just do wild shit pretty much every weekend, weeknight.

And it was just so like, why would you be hanging around a bunch of kids without your husband with alcohol and weed and giving them, you know, all these substances to, just numb them out. That's how I was first introduced to any sort of substance. I saw my mom abused alcohol for years before that, but I had never tried that. I had never experienced it.

And that was a big thing for her was she would feed me weed and alcohol. And yeah, that was just one of her ways of numbing me out and numbing herself out. even. We were going to a state park or a skate park nearby, you know, 20 minutes from her house. It was like the dead of night, probably like midnight or whatever. And we were all, me, her sons, and one of my brother were in her car. And she was passing us around a bottle of fireball.

And you guys are what, 13, 14? Probably 11, 12. Okay, so even younger. Okay, great. Yeah, yeah. I want to say I was probably I was, I think I was still 11. No, I was 12. Yeah, I was 12 during this time, this story. Yeah, and we were, you know, we were pretty much drunk that whole night. And she would be touching me throughout the whole night, touching me,

and then say if, you know, they walked away, she would grab me by my shirt behind her corner and just start making out with me. And just, yeah, she would just, grab my shirt, make out with me intensely, and then just tell me to walk along because they're going to get suspicious. And she did that throughout the whole night. I was jealous of other kids, this is really fucked up, but I was jealous of other kids that would hang around her, and I would always want to be sitting next to her in the car. You know, I'd always want to be close to her. I would always want to be just the closest to her. And of any other boys,

you know, got her attention, I would feel some type of way about it. Yeah. Which is just sick. Well, that's how it was also your first experience with those types of emotions and feelings, you know? Yeah. And I didn't know what to do with any of it. I had to hide all my emotions. I had to hide, you know, the love I had for her. Everything that came with that relationship, I had to keep hidden and in my, in my chest all. being drowned out by substances.

And it was just really damaging to me. And, yeah. So seventh grade came. It was time for me to play football. And during, I noticed this during the fall, during those times where it gets cold during the mornings, you know, the sun goes down much earlier. my body can, it knows when that time comes in the, in the year, because that was when it all

really started and it, all, all my memories from that time was just like, from that season, from the fall, you know, seeing the cold on the, or seeing the frost in the fields, driving to school and driving home from practice and it being really cold and wet. all of that my body knows and remembers. And during that, like when the fall is coming now, and I'm just pretty scared because I get depressed and I get anxious. And I didn't really pick up on that until just maybe a year ago when it was happening and I was doing really bad.

And basically my therapist explained to me why. But yeah, so I was going into seventh grade. and during all this through the summer it was just kissing and dry-humping she was touching me and she was still you know just love bombing me telling me that I'm perfect I am handsome I am I'm special she really made me feel special now I realize that she's She was just, she's a pedophile. And I wasn't special. I'm not special for her picking me.

It was just her best, I was the best choice, just circumstantially. Quick question for you. As you started getting older, like going into sixth and seventh grade, did you notice yourself starting to look at other girls, like being interested in hanging out with girls or even starting relationship? or was your main focus still her? Yeah, I did. I was talking to other girls, you know, I was chasing after girls.

I was talking to girls my age and she would encourage it because then it wouldn't be as weird. She would tell me, we need to go, we need to get a girlfriend basically to kind of hide, hide this, hide this relationship. So nobody knows. Did you feel like the experience with her made you? More like hypersexual at all? Yes. Definitely. And I struggle with that now, even.

It definitely did. And it definitely, you know, made me more advanced. Yeah. You know, and from my age and some of the stuff I would do with other girls, you know, they'd be like, you know, how do you know this? You know, we're in seventh grade. How do you know this? How do you kiss like this?

And it was hard to explain. You know, I would say, you know, I was just watching porn. That's how I picked up on these things. I never struggled with porn. I don't struggle with porn. Thankfully, I don't watch porn. It is very, very, it's a disease right now. porn addiction is very real in today's society and thankfully I don't struggle with that and

it's kind of a surprise I don't because of what I endured and what I went through. Yeah. But I'm really grateful for that fact. And to answer your question, yeah, I was being, I was kissing other girls. I was hanging around other girls. I was attracted to them, and they were attracted to me. And I basically functioned like a normal human or an normal young boy, except for the fact that I was hypersexual.

I started to look at women and girls differently, you know, started to sexualize them. It was really, that part is really shameful to me as well. And I'm also struggling with that now and working through it in therapy. So up until the point where that football season started in the fall, going to seventh grade, it was just kissing, dry hoping. And we had talked about sex. And I remember her telling me that once we reach, once we get to that point,

there's no coming back. And she said she's afraid to have sex. then I'll really never or she said then you'll really latch on to me and just thinking back on it now like she was never not going to have sex with me no matter what I said or how I felt there was going to be one way or the other where she was going to have what she wanted for me because that's just the kind of person that she was if she wanted something she would go and get it and she would take it. So that fall, I lost my virginity to her.

Everything around this is so cloudy and dark. I don't know anything else except for the point where she came downstairs. I was sleeping. She had always had me sleep in a different bedroom or part of the house where she could have access to me and her sons wouldn't be around. And this time I was sleeping downstairs on a couch. and I was awakened by her. And she would always do this thing where she would wake me up

and she would put her tongue in my mouth. And that's how she would wake me up. You know, she would lick. She would graze her tongue on the inside of my lips. And something I really think on, this side note, something I really think on and really gross myself out is like, how could she do that? I was, you know, I'm 11, 12 years.

old. I'm a dirty kid. I'm outside, getting dirty. I obviously I take showers, but I didn't have, I didn't have like the best hygiene. So it's like I probably

smelled, I probably felt dirty. And all of that, she just didn't care. No matter how dirty I was, no matter how sweaty I was, how bad I stink. She didn't care. And anyway she woke me up with her tongue inside of my mouth and she told me to get up i noticed she was

wearing pretty much nothing she was just wearing her underwear and like a small shirt or something and she laid down on the couch i didn't know what was going on everything up to this point was just kissing and try humping. I didn't know anything about sex. I didn't know how it felt. I didn't know. I didn't know anything. I didn't know what I was doing.

And she laid down and she pulled me on top of her and we were just making out on the couch. And this was like 2 a.m. probably. And all of a sudden, I just feel something different. You know, I don't know how it happened, but I just feel something different. that I've never felt before in my life. And, yeah, I was having sex for the first time in my life. In this 32-year-old woman's house, while her husband was sleeping upstairs

and her sons were in the room next to us, my best friends of my entire life. As that was happening, you know, I felt good. to me. And that's what I wanted, right? I've been asking her for it, and she kept denying me of it, and it was finally there. And I remember her during that, during, during sex, I remember telling me that, that it's not as bad as she thought it would be because I'm better than she imagined.

And just saying that, just sends like chills down my spine and thinking of that. I feel like no matter how much I clean or vacuum, there's always stuff floating around in the air like dust, pet hair, random debris, especially with all of the animals that I have in this house. That is why Air Doctor is the only air purifier that I use in this home. Air Doctor uses a powerful three-stage filtration system that captures really tiny particles that are actually 100 times smaller than any other air purifier can capture. And it really helps capture things that you do not want to be breathing in, such as dust, smoke odors,

bacteria, viruses, VOCs, pet dander, pollen, mold spores, and so much more. One of my favorite features about it is that it is whisper quiet, so you literally don't even know that it's on. and my second favorite feature, if not the first, is that there is absolutely no guesswork at all. I always keep my purifier on the auto mode, so it's automatically adjusting to keep the air clean 24-7. It even reminds you when it is time to change the filter. Head to Airdrepro.com and use promo code insane and get up to $300 off any of their select Air Doctor models. Plus, you will get a three-year warranty absolutely free. All Air Doctor Air Purifiers come with a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Get this exclusive podcast-only offer now at Air Doctorpro.com, A-I-R-D-O-C-T-O-R-P-R-P-R-O-D-R-O-C-R-P-R-O-C-E. Ever feel like healthy eating is harder than it should be? I get it. Nutrition can feel complicated, but it doesn't have to be. On Be Well by Kelly, I simplify the science of nutrition so you can feel better, balance your blood sugar, and build healthy habits that actually last.

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because of because it doesn't feel like you're a child yeah exactly yeah and uh so she whispered that in my ear and now like that the statement is just in my head

that's like I can hear to this day and yeah so that happened and that was my first time having sex when I was 12 years old after that, that was pretty much all I wanted. And after that, it was pretty much every weekend.

With her. With her, yeah. And at the same time, in my life at home, I never wanted to be home. My parents would always be fighting. And I started to judge their relationship. You know, I started to speak out against them and telling me and my brothers would yell at them, tell them to just get divorced, get divorced, because this is not something we want to come home to every day. You know, them fighting, yelling at each other while we're trying to go to sleep for school the next day. And it was a very hard time in my life seeing that happen between my parents because, you know, it's just like, what do you do?

I didn't have a job. I was powerless in all of this. I knew that it was rooted in money that we didn't have enough. We didn't have enough money. We didn't. We couldn't go to places we wanted to. There was no escape from it all. And I internalized that at a very young age,

and I try to fix their relationship by, you know, talking with them. talking to my mom, just trying to be a therapist from both of them, which is something that a child should not have to do for their parents. And I feel really sad for me and my brothers, especially my older brother, because he took a lot of that weight, a lot of that burden. He shouldered a lot of that since I was home. I was not home most of the time. That's one of the biggest regrets I have is leading them to themselves for as long as I did. And it was all because I wanted to have sex with an older woman.

But it's not my fault. I'm not, I can't blame myself for that. I didn't feel safe at home. My parents did make it a safe space. And at the same time, this was all happening. My mom would ask me, you know, why do you love this woman more than me? why do you want to be around her all the time why like she would ask me am i not good enough

for you as a mother but i couldn't tell her a reason and that affected my relationship with her so much i after the abuse started i had zero emotional connection to her i felt like i couldn't hug her without feeling some, you know, sick way about myself. I saw this woman as a, my motherly figure, and then I started having sex with her. And when I would go back to my mom, it was just so confusing for me, and I didn't want to have a connection with her.

You know, I didn't ever want to sleep in her bed and cuddle her like the way I used to when I was 10, 9, 10 years old, even 11 years old. And I know that hurt her deeply. And I don't know how to deal with that even now. And I haven't ever told her why it is. And I'm afraid to tell her why that was. Because I know the way that she would react.

and that that just hurts too much to think about right now and so yeah we were pretty much having sex every weekend I was hanging around her every single day I would be texting her every single day and this is where people started to notice around me you know my friends would tease my

my best friends her sons for you know, they would openly say, hey, or, ha ha, he's, he's having sex with your mom. And, you know, these cruel things, they would say to my best friends. Do you think that they thought that you were? Or was it like just a running joke? I don't know. I, to this day, I still don't know. They hid their true emotions about it all very well.

and they would tell them no they're just they're just that's just his mother his second mom you know they're they have a good relationship but i really did do think that they suspected something because how could you not yeah that i was i was at their house under the blankets with their mom on a sunday morning eating breakfast and i would be in my underwear and yeah you know i would cuddle with her i would hug her we would tell each other we loved each other and at this point as well her husband would ask her if there's anything going on between her and then she would make him feel crazy by saying why the fuck would you ever think that that's just a kid and she would tell me these things that tell me that her husband is

getting jealous of me and then I stopped coming around as much and so I did but I couldn't stay gone for very long because I hated my home life and it was it was truly it was torture almost like being away from her and having that safe space and coming home to like a messy house my parents are still not getting along my mom is drunk it's just me and my brothers to fend for each other it was just such a fucked up system and i started to slip in school my grades started to slip i stopped putting in the effort to win sports i'd be missing sleep i didn't apply myself the way i wanted to the way i should have i stopped reading i've been basically lost myself.

And the level of grooming that happened before everything took place was so severe. There was this one point, we were on vacation with her before this all started. And I told her that I wanted to, you know, I was hungry and I wanted to eat. and she said she said well you can eat this ass and I was 11 years old and that just kind of I remember just being shook to the core

like what the fuck does that even mean? You know like just one of her ways of putting those you know planting those seeds yeah normalizing it yeah and I never used protection once.

She basically explained to me that she can't get pregnant because she had her dup side. But she having you finishing her? Yeah, she was pretty much every time. And that was something she was like pretty demanding of. Like, you know, I want your finish inside of me. So I got through seventh grade with that same dynamic. You know, I was getting, I was during in seventh grade, I was getting bullied quite a bit to, you know, from my peers and classmates.

I had a lot of facial hair by the time I was young. By the time, during that time, and then I would get bullied for that. I would get bullied for my appearance. And my relationship with her every day, why are you texting her every day, you know? Why they would say, tell me, like, why are you so close with her? And that all just kind of made me, you know, made me want to just shut down even more and just not say anything about my life to anyone. And it kind of isolated myself from the friends I had developed from the second grade all the way up until now. I distanced myself from those relationships, those friendships.

and I burnt a lot of bridges with a lot of people, a lot of friends. And, yeah, I was getting made fun of and bullied a lot at school. And I just wanted to be around her all the time. In the summer of 7th and 8th grade, between that, I had turned, I think, 13. so I was going to eighth grade. It was 13 year old. And during that summer, I would go on vacations with them a lot. And around my birthday, she made it extra special.

She would take me to, like, a resort with her sons. But she made it so that her husband couldn't come with. and that was really easier for her to get me alone. We'd have sex in the back of her car or, you know, her sons would go down to the pool, and we'd have sex in the hotel room. She would send me pictures of herself and fully naked just to kind of tease me throughout the day.

She would show me pictures of her on her phone. in the middle of the living room with everyone around her. She was very bold. She would say things in front of everyone. She would touch me in front of everyone under the blankets. One of her sons was a lot younger, like four years younger than I was. So he was still a very, like, seven years old. But he would be basically, you know, sleeping on her.

And she would be touching me with her left hand. reaching out to me under the covers while everyone was watching a movie in living room. And this is when the substance abuse started pretty heavily on my end. They would, her and her husband would grow weed in their farm. And me and her sons would go out and pick it and smoke it in privacy. You know, or not in privacy, but, you know, we'd hide it from. them and we would take their bombs and their pipes and their joints

and their weed and we'd keep it to ourselves and we'd smoke it and yeah we'd pretty much do that every day and she knew but she also knew that that was a way to control me even more and

that was a big factor in all of this was marijuana and alcohol and during this time her relationship with her husband was very much deteriorating. He was also an alcoholic, heavy alcoholic. He would get just plastered every single day.

So he did not even realize he would pick up on cues every now and then, but most of the time he was just like just not there. So he didn't even know anything. And it was just a perfect storm for her. and in myself to have any possibility at any time because everyone around us trusted us. And she had a lot of friends, and one of her friends, they would make fun of her and call her Mary Kay, which I don't know who, I don't know if you know that name, but it's, her name is Mary Kay. I forgot her last name, but she was a predator from the 80s,

and she sexually assaulted a 12-year-old boy. Basically the same thing that she did to me, but her friends would call her that. They'd be like, okay, Mary Kaye, like, and joke around with her like that. But even then... Nobody, like, stepped in or said anything. She stepped in or said anything,

and nobody pried. which is really disappointing now. Right. So the next thing that I'm going to talk about is something that could really easily identify me by, but I feel like this is something that is pretty important to the story. And honestly, the only reason that I am not, I don't have the

courage or confidence to speak out and go out with my story publicly is because I'm trying to protect my best friends that I hurt for all those years. Right. Because they have

a life now and they have families and they have their own life and our community is small and everybody knows each other and that kind of thing would just blow up. Yeah. Face and my face. And I don't want that.

Right. And I think she knows that too. I really sometimes hate myself for letting her be. I still have that power. Yeah. Yeah. And knowing that I have the power to keep, put her away, it's very conflicting because she could be out there doing something to somebody else

and I have the power to stop it. And if she is hurting someone, how do I live with myself? That's something that I cannot come to terms with. How do I go about this ever? I feel like at some point you have to make decisions for yourself and the safety of others. I think that, you know, I commend you and I understand that you don't want to blow up other people's lives. And anything like this is a ripple effect. It doesn't just affect the person and the victim.

It affects your family. It affects her family. It affects everybody else in between. But that's the consequences of doing something that she did. You know, and I think that, in my opinion, opinion, as scary and as damaging as it would be to come out with this publicly, I think that it would give you a different sense of power and healing in your own story. I think it would make you feel bigger. I think this whole situation made you feel small and, and like you had no control. I appreciate that perspective. I haven't really thought about it that way, you know.

I think at some point you have to be selfish and in a healthy way. But you didn't choose to hurt them. You know, this was done to you. You are the victim here. You're definitely right. And I think that I'm pretty close to that moment, you know, of saying, fuck it, fuck it all. This is what happened to me.

And this is my truth, you know, because she doesn't deserve to have peace. If I can't have peace, when she... Right. And I'll get to this, but I had a moment recently where I was on the verge of blowing up and just putting it all out there and calling

her out, but I didn't because again, I'm still being, I'm just still thinking of others. Anyway, so eighth grade year, that summer, her niece flew

she was out of state she came to visit for that summer and she had visited before and we knew each other and we were text we were the same age we were text we were basically friends and she would stay

with my abuser in her house and you know we got to know each other pretty well and we didn't start dating but we started messing around, you know, we, we developed a relationship and we basically had a, we were basically dating.

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It even reminds you when it is time to change the filter. Head to Airdrepro.com and use promo code insane and get up to $300 off any of their select Air Doctor models. Plus, you will get a three-year warranty absolutely free. All Air Doctor Air Purifiers come with a 30-day money-back guarantee. Get this exclusive podcast-only offer now at Air Doctorpro.com, A-I-R-D-O-C-T-O-R-P-R-O-D-R-P-R-O-R-O-D-R-E. When Westchaffirs took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim-on-D-D-D-N-L-L-L-L-L-L-A-L-L-Skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board.

Here's to Westjetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. I was in eighth grade or going into eighth grade and me and her would kiss, hold hands, all that. We didn't ever have sex, but we would do everything other than. And at the same time that I was basically dating her niece, my abuser would tell me that I couldn't forget about her too. And that she wants me too. And she would basically compete with her niece. and she would ask me things like,

am I better than her? Do I kiss better than her? Do I feel better than her? And it was, I would be downstairs kissing her knees and, you know, doing things to her. She'd doing things to me. We'd finish. And then I'd walk upstairs

and I would go to my abuser, and she would be up waiting for me. And then she would ask me if I had came downstairs. I would tell her no. And then she would take that from me. And she basically, I feel like she was trying to retake that power. And she would rape me. and pretty much every time we'd have sex it wasn't like i was doing things to her she was doing

thanks to me it was all about her getting something and she it was all her on top of me always and she would always want me to finish inside of her she'd always want to ride me she'd always just want to have that control over me you know like she didn't ever want me to to you know fuck her she would always want to fuck me and I just I thought that was weird yeah but yeah that for that whole summer that was something that was very common you know I would I would be downstairs with her niece in the in the at night and then I would go upstairs and have sex with my abuser afterwards. And that was pretty much how it was for the whole summer and my, that niece never

suspected anything. And I think my abuser got, got off on that. Me and her, me and her niece didn't last, after that, she went home and, you know, we talk every now and then, and she never knows. She doesn't know anything and never suspected anything. And I feel terrible for what I did to her. And hopefully one day I can I can apologize to her and maybe talk things through. But that seems very unlikely.

Another story I want to get off my chest before I conclude and talk about posts is when I say that she would feed me, you know, she would get me high and drunk. she would do all of this to the point where I would be pretty much disabled. And, you know, I would be stoned out of my mind. I would be drunk. And everyone would go to bed and she would wake me up and walk me through the house, lay me down, and then she would rape me. And this happened a lot where she would wake me up on top of me, you know, writing me. And I didn't know what was going on and I didn't have consent to anything.

I remember feeling dirty like I haven't shower all day. And how do you still want to do this to me? And it was just very confusing and very, and also I had to keep all these emotions hidden and never tell anyone but I love you and not the way I want to that all impacted me so much and I feel so

sad for myself because I'll never know how it feels to just be normal you know like how would I have what things would I have done differently in my life how would I have turned out for the better or the worse if none of this happened to me?

But I, yeah, I believe that very frequently. And I try not to think about it because there's nothing I can do anymore. And it's just a waste of my energy and time to really even think about that. But it's a big what if in my mind. So the very first time that we had discussed stopping all of this was I remember we were on a trip to the Great Wolf Lodge with all her sons and her husband and we were in the room alone. And at this point, she was dealing with her, she was, her marriage was struggling and they were talking about divorce. and so we weren't having sex quite as frequently and so she pulled me aside

she made me wait for her, wait with her in the hotel room, and I thought we were going to have sex again for the first time in a couple of weeks. And at that point, you know, I wanted this, you know, I was craving sex with her. I was wanting that attention from her and she just wasn't given to me

and I would ask her why and I would be upset. I would be, I would cry to her. And she finally sat me down and said, you know, we can't keep doing this. This is affecting me. This is affecting our marriage or my marriage with my husband. And this is wrong. And we should probably stop. And I remember just crying like a, like a, just crying like a little baby.

just like uncontrollable. It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I couldn't control myself. And I remember in that moment, her kids walked in and saw what was going on. They were all very confused. Like, why are you crying? What's wrong? She was crying too.

And her husband walked in and said, hey, what's going on? Like, what's wrong? What's going on here? And, you know, she made up this story on the fly where my parents weren't doing good. And my mom had gone to the hospital because she was so drunk. And which has had happened before, you know, ambulance had shown up to my house because she was just passed down before drunk. And she just made this story up on the fly. And I was like, holy shit.

Like you just live so well and so confidently that. no one even, you know, second-guessed anything. And, yeah, after that, it was pretty much solidified that we would stop, and I think that was the winter of eighth grade. And that, you know, we did stop for a few months. Would you guys tell text? Yes, not as frequently. Okay.

Not as frequently, but we would check in on each other every once in a while, you know, and I'd be going over their house just as frequently. Because you were so close with the sons. Yeah. Okay. And, you know, her sons, yeah, we were best friends. You know, we'd do everything together. And they treated me and respected me like one of their own brothers.

We shared clothes. We would, you know, play, all that. And so I would still be doing that. I would still be around her. And she would tell me, like, I can't have you around here because I just want to touch you all the time. I can't keep my hands off you. I don't want to keep my hands off you. And she would tell me these things even after we've been so called broken up.

I feel like no matter how much I clean or vacuum, there's always stuff floating around in the air like dust, pet hair, random debris, especially with all of the animals that I have in this house. That is why Air Doctor is the only air purifier that I use in this home. Air Doctor uses a powerful three-stage filtration system that captures really tiny particles that are actually 100 times smaller than any other air purifier can capture. And it really helps capture things that you do not want to be breathing in, such as dust, smoke odors, bacteria, viruses, VOCs, pet dander, pollen, mold spores, and so much more. One of my favorite features about it is that it is whisper quiet, so you literally don't even know that it's on.

And my second favorite feature, if not the first, is that there is absolutely no guesswork. at all. I always keep my purifier on the auto mode, so it's automatically adjusting to keep the air clean 24-7. It even reminds you when it is time to change the filter. Head to Airdopterpro.com and use promo code insane and get up to $300 off any of their select Air Doctor models. Plus, you will get a three-year warranty absolutely free. All Air Doctor Air Purifiers come with a 30-day money-back guarantee. Get this exclusive podcast-only off. for now at Air Doctorpro.com, A-I-R-D-O-C-T-O-R-P-O-R-O-D-O-C-R-O-D-R-O-D-O-R-O-D-R-O-R-R-E. For years, Gone South has been a podcast about crime in the American South, but for our new season,

we're widening the lens. Through deeply reported narrative-driven stories, we're digging into the myths, scandals, and power structures that still shape the South. And in a lot of ways, the country itself. Follow and listen to Gone South Season 5, an Odyssey podcast, available now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your shows. And I was just still really confusing to me

because you're saying that we're done, but you're still coming on to me, and eventually after a couple months, she came on to me again, and it was a very spur of the moment type thing where everyone had left, and it was just me and her at her house, and I didn't know what was.

I was downstairs playing video games, and I didn't know that everyone had left, and it was just me and her. And I went upstairs, and I asked her, hey, is everyone gone? And she was like, oh, yeah, they all left. They're going to run some errands or whatever. I'm going to take you home.

So I waited for her, and she asked me to come upstairs. And so I did, and when I went up there, she was fully nude. and she told me that she wanted to have it one last time. And that was probably one of the only times where I had the ability to say no because I had gotten so used to not moving on from that part of my life where she wasn't, and I wasn't having sex with anyone during this time.

You know, I was talking to girls, you know, I was kissing girls holding hands with girls, but nothing like to the extreme that we were doing with her. You know, she taught me everything about sex, different types of sex. So I had the opportunity to say no. I didn't. And we had sex then. And that time, she was very vocal. during it

I don't know if it was because you know it was early morning and she didn't have any substances in her system she wasn't high or drunk or I wasn't higher drunk so maybe I noticed more but she would be very vocal about you know how different I feel

and how no one's ever made her feel like I do and just the reactions that she would make during sex, I felt like I was hurting her. And she didn't want me to finish quickly. She said she wanted to drag the last one out for as long as she could. So she made it a point to keep me going and not calm.

She would hold, you know, if I'd say I'm going to, you know, I'm to come. I feel that way. she'd stopped me and basically tell me I can't. And she did that for a couple of hours until finally I came, inside of her. And, yeah, she took me home. And that was the last time I had sex with her. It was the spring of my eighth grade year going to the freshman year. After that, that fall, I met my fiancé now, fiance, the start of freshman year, and I immediately opened up to her.

I told her what had happened to me. You told her this while you were in ninth grade? Yeah. After her, you know, a month of meeting her, I had told her that all of this happened to me. Because, you know, she's a very strong, very strong-minded woman. Even then, she was very easy to open up to, very, very attentive. She listened very well. And just her, the way she cared about me just felt different.

And I felt safe with her. And I told her everything that happened to me. And she was very shocked. she's very shocked and she didn't know how to she thought I was joking for her for the first time she thought that I was you know trying to manipulate her or some way just trying to be funny but you know I explained some details

to her and then she finally believed me I remember her telling me like you know that's abuse right like that's not that should not be happening that's not normal and I would tell her Ah, no, it's not. She loves me. I love her. It's not abuse. I want it.

I wanted it. It's not abuse. But I pleaded with her not to tell anyone because, you know, I cared about her, and I didn't want anyone to know. And so she didn't. She kept my secret. And then about six months later, we started dating, and we haven't stopped since. She's not my fiancé. I love her very much.

And she has been the rock through all of this in my life. I am very, very grateful for her. And what age did you start therapy? I didn't start therapy until I was 22 years old. Okay. So it's very recent. Yeah. I started about a year ago.

So in between that time of, of, of, dating, starting to date your current fiance and then now with therapy, have you just, do you feel like you've been struggling that whole time or do you think that you've had moments of like of where it comes back? And I know that you sit around like fall time. It really comes back stronger. But did you feel like it's gotten worse over time? Yeah. You know, from the ages of when I was 14 to 21, I heavily abused marijuana. Okay. I'd be stoned every day.

I would, I would, it wasn't even just flour that would be smoking. It was like, you don't know if you know what dabs are. Yeah, I would be smoking dabs and basically just numbing my brain out, not knowing why. And I, that's, you know, there was always something that I had to. and numb my brain from just any sort of emotional disruption that I had during the day, it was just a craving for me to get high. And it was so easy for me to, you know, to have access to weed, to marijuana, that I would just do it every day.

And I think that, and then once I reached 21, I stopped smoking weed because I was getting my job. a job that I have now and it requires me to piss clean and stay clean. And so after I stopped smoking marijuana and drowning out my thoughts and my emotions and just numbing my body out, I had a point where I wasn't producing the way I wanted to at work. I was failing. I was, you know, I was struggling because it was a new job. And through all of that, it caused me to. have panic attacks in the middle of the day and I would get flashbacks of her and and just get

these gut-wrench feelings of shame and embarrassment and everything that I thought about was her, you know, and everything, every, I started remembering things that I didn't even know happened. And like the story I told about how she would wake me up in the middle of the night and she would walk me through the house, she would rate me. I didn't even remember that until a couple of months ago. Yeah. It's so I don't know what else could be. What else I don't remember that happened. I know there is more.

Are you still friends with her sons? I am. Very, very close friends of her sons. But you don't have any comments. communication with her now? I don't. When's the last time you spoke to her? It must have been.

Yeah, it was her son's first baby shower. I didn't know she'd be there, and I went there. I saw her. I was probably 20. I saw her there. And at this point... Was your fiancé with you? She was.

She was. and she had always I love her for this but she had always made side or backhanded comments to her making her think that she knew you know like just like she's never been

nice to her or cordial to her in any way because she hates this woman and I love her for that but when I saw her that day I you know I went up to her and she came up to me, hugged me, and I had still not come to acceptance with the fact that she has,

that she had abused me. And, you know, I, I, I was, I was nice to her. And it was like, you know, it was just like an old friend. So basically, all of this has just kind of been weighing over the years. and it's just kind of gotten more intense, and you just started really sorting through it within the last year or so, right? Yeah, pretty much. And I think that kind of going back to what you said about, you know,

the healing aspect of it, it seems like obviously you're still very much in the healing phase of things where you're still trying to unravel what happened. And, you know, you're going through the emotions and the feelings of the guilt and the shame and for so many different aspects of the experience. And I feel like even like what you said about not even fully remembering things or having things come back to you over the last few months, I feel like you're still in such a fragile place with this trauma that, you know, the thought of coming out about it publicly obviously still feels very

overwhelming and scary. But I do feel that you will get to a point where you will fully grasp and understand what happened and how much you were a victim in it and how much you had no control. And I think when you have that understanding of the situation as a whole and the part that you did not play in it, I think that's when you'll be able to find a safety in maybe speaking out about it more if that's where you feel like, you know, the direction you're going in with it. but I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself with that. And I wouldn't put pressure on yourself.

Like you mentioned when you were young, or you mentioned like now looking back when you were young and you get upset thinking about like the boy you could have been or like the innocence. And there's nothing you can do about it now, which obviously, yes, you can't do anything about it. And yes, she ripped parts of your childhood away from you that you can't get back.

But I'm a strong believer in, not that anybody is dealt cards and deserves those cards at all. But I think that things happen to people that can handle it and that can speak out about it. And I think that, you know, there's always a way, no matter how hard it is, in my opinion, there's always a way to turn trauma or a negative experience into something positive that can help you and help others. And obviously you're still so young. And the aftermath of this is still so fresh. I think that you will get to a point of turning something so dark into something that can save

and help a lot of other boys and children, as well as spread awareness about a topic that I think can be very glamorized. And it's not, that's not the case. And unfortunately, with that, of course, comes the possibility that, you know, your best friends and those and her sons won't see your side of it. They might hate you for it. And that really, really sucks into the scary. feeling, but that is a lack of awareness on their end, in my opinion. I think that you have to be, you have to be like mentally in a place where you can look at something from all angles, no matter what the relationship is and understand the reality of the situation. You know, you were a child, you were a victim, and she's a pedophile, you know. And I think that

you will get to a place of, when you get to a place, of truly, truly like feeling that within and understanding that within and being a little more gentle on yourself, I think that that would be when you would feel more confident about sharing your story. But even if you don't ever get there, that's okay too. It's okay if you just get to that place of healing within yourself and keep it to yourself. You know, there's not any right or wrong. I think the most important thing for you is to find a place of true healing and to release some of that guilt and some of that shame and to be able to not grieve the loss of the younger you because it's there and we can't do anything about it now. But we can almost like the older we get,

we're always doing things for our younger self, you know? And I think even though like technically you're older, you can still do things that heal that younger version of you, you know, that needs it most. But yeah, yeah, that's kind of my thoughts on that. Thank you. I appreciate your, you know, point of view and all this. And I know, and, you know, with other guests on here, I, you give a point of view where it's very helpful. So I truly respect that and appreciate it.

And that's what you were saying about glamorizing this and bringing awareness to this kind of situation is something that I have in my, you know, in my soul where I want to get to that point to be able to speak out publicly and help others and, you know, help parents and adults in recognizing, you know, signs and, you know, signs and, of abuse and children and, you know, speaking out, even when it might ruin relationships or feel unnecessary or hard. Because I, you know, I do believe if someone had spoken out for me when I was younger and brought attention to it, you know, with the police, I would be pretty upset about it then. Yeah. And I would hate that person. But I know that now I would probably be very thankful to that individual who did.

And I didn't have anyone that did. And now I have to come to the terms with, did no one love me enough to speak out for me and realize? Because everyone saw it. It's a reflection of them, not of you. Remember that. Nothing that anyone does or doesn't do is a reflection of you. all a reflection of them. None of it has to do with you.

It speaks on their character and lack thereof. Yeah. You know, we can't, unfortunately, as human beings, we sometimes expect things and wonder why people are the way they are, why people don't stand up for people or say something, but we have to almost go into every situation with no expectations at all. We can't expect things from people because, Not everybody thinks the way that we do, unfortunately.

Yeah. You know? It's all right now, I mean, like I said, I think the most important thing is for you to be selfish for yourself and your healing journey and not selfish like to hurt people, but selfish to heal yourself. And you have, it sounds like you have an amazing support with your fiance, which is important. And you know, therapy, I think is amazing. I think everybody should do it.

I think it's really it can reground you in times that it's, you know, I think you need it. And I think that, I mean, I love therapy. I think it's great for so many different reasons and even just kind of like working through things and having a better understanding of why you view things some ways and, you know, even just kind of delving deeper into things. But I think the most important thing right now is you and you're healing from it all. That's like I can't express it enough. That's, that's just how I.

feel about it and I think you deserve that you haven't you haven't gotten to have that that's something my therapist drives into me or tries to anyway where it's like I shouldn't I need to think about myself right now and I'm very lucky to have a therapist like the one I do now because she is very helpful she has helped me so much just the last couple of months and if I was talking about this four months ago, I would probably break out in a panic attack and start crying. And you probably have to end the podcast. Yeah. And that should make you feel so good and like a sense of power and control.

You know, that should show you that even in just this short amount of time, you're gaining that control over the emotions and over the trauma and over the experience that you once had no control over. You know, now you're, and I always see, I see this. that's another reason why I encourage people to tell their story, even if it's just to like one friend, because I think the more you work through it and the more you tell it, the more you own it in a way that like you don't let it pull those, you know,

emotions and those reactions out of you. Yeah. So recently she, it was my birthday was recent and she decided to, my mom made a birthday post on Facebook and she decided to, she decided to tell me happy birthday and that she loves me. Your mom or the abuser? The abuser. On your mom's post?

Right. Okay. And that was what I was talking about earlier where that almost set me over the edge and just like, like, how fucking dare you want to out her. And I had a really bad day that day on my birthday because I saw it on my way from my way from work and as soon as I saw it, I just started breaking down, crying. I don't know why. I just saw, it was just happy birthday. I love you. And I just was so enraged. How fucking dare you? And I blocked her immediately. And I don't know why I hadn't blocked her before, but I blocked her then. It blocked and she has like four different social media profiles

that she tries to add me on different social media sites and I just block every single one and she doesn't get the hint you know and I hope that it's eating her alive right now. Yeah, I'm sure it is. If there is anyone else struggling through this, if anyone's story is similar to mine, I just want you to know that

it wasn't your fault and it gets better. And if you feel any sort of shame or guilt and you don't, you haven't talked to somebody, you need to talk to somebody because it does help. And I'm sure anyone that's listening to this podcast has some sort of realization that mental health is important. And if you can't have a help. mind, you will not be able to succeed in the way that you want to. I urge you to seek therapy. I urge you to talk to somebody that you trust about this. It can be really freeing of all the thoughts and emotions that you experience in all this. And I have found that generally in my

thoughts, my emotions, what triggers me, that's all really helped just to purge it out of your body, you know. And I really hope that you find the courage to someday speak out about it.