We're All Insane - Abused in High School

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

CW: This episode contains discussion of abuse, SA, and ED. Abusive relationships in teenage years are sadly common, leaving lasting scars. Control, manipulation, and violence define these toxic dynamics, endangering teenagers' well-being. Vulnerability and lack of experience make them easy targets. Abusers isolate victims, instill fear, and exert strict control. Psychological abuse, emotional manipulation, and physical violence lead to low self-esteem, depression, and self-harm. Raising awareness about the prevalence of teenage abusive relationships is crucial. Open discussions, education, and support systems are vital for identifying warning signs and offering assistance. Equipping teenagers with knowledge and resources empowers them to recognize and escape such relationships, fostering healthier futures and safer communities. To learn more about abuse in relationships visit: https://www.joinonelove.org/ If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, my name's Lexi. I'm 26 and I was in an abusive relationship in high school. I was born in New Albany, Indiana, and I've lived there my whole life. I was raised by my grandparents, and it wasn't any sort of like legal thing. My parents aren't divorced or anything. They're still together.

They just raised me, I think, because it was sort of maybe easier for my parents. And they were younger, and my parents actually lived down the street from my grandparents. So I was back and forth, like, all the time. And me and my grandma were always super close. And I would, like, leave for the day and she'd stand at the door like, crying and waving as the car drove away. So we've always just been really, really close. I'm very thankful that my grandparents raised me.

My parents are very much still in the picture. I'm still close with them and talk to them and stuff. And I held a little bit of resentment when I got into my adult life because it was kind of like I didn't really understand how my parents couldn't want to raise me or didn't, you know. But I've moved fast at and sort of given grace and got rid of some of those. that resentment with them. Therapy helped. But I, like, I was very close with my grandparents, so I am so thankful for them. And my grandma, she was, or is the sweetest woman ever. She's super genuine. She's, like, the kindest person in the whole entire world. And then my grandfather,

he was more of like a tough guy. He was in the Vietnam War and he was a police officer, but he was, like, soft for me, you know, like, I was definitely, like, his grandbaby. And, It was more like they were like my parents, really. And so we just had a super close relationship. And my grandpa ended up passing away in 2012 from cancer. So that was difficult. But me and my grandma were still super close. All of my family is really close with each other.

Like I said, I don't have any hard feelings towards them now. And so, yeah, I was just thankful that I got to be raised by them because I think that they really instilled a lot of good qualities in me. And so I'm thankful for them. Little shout out to the grandparents. Right. She is awesome. My grandma is the best ever.

And I do have siblings. I have an older brother and an older sister. And then I have a younger brother too. And he's actually 10 years younger than me. So there's quite a significant age gap there. But my brother and my sister actually weren't raised by my parents. either. We have different dads too. So my younger brother was actually the only one that was raised by my parents. So I was never really like super close with them. We would see each other every once in a

while, go over to my mom's house and stuff. But I wasn't really super close with them. So even though I wasn't technically an only child, sometimes it sort of felt like that. And I became very independent. So I, you know, I would learn play on my own and I had this huge imagination and I loved animals and so I would like watch animal cops Houston on TV and like you know recreate that with my stuffed animals and stuff like I just I really had a big imagination and I kind of I think thrived by myself after a while and so I was always fine with that in elementary school I was totally people pleaser like teachers pet I sort of just kept to myself but you know I had friends and stuff. I just, I kind of just, like, blended in with everyone. I never really, like, stuck out. I

never, um, had, like, bullies or anything. Like, I just was kind of there. And, um, but I had a good, like, elementary school experience. And then, um, come middle school, you know, I had, like, that, um, angsty teenage phase. You know, I had the whole emo thing going on. I were, like, skinny jeans and Converse and a band shirt every day. I was definitely, like, I had a hard time fitting in with people. So I did have friends, but I still kind of always felt like the outcast of the group. And so I just never really found a place like where I fit, you know. And that's a confusing time too.

I feel like no one really knows. You don't know where you're blind. And kids are so mean. And so it's like, you know, yeah, like the music interest and like the things that I liked were very different than like what a lot of my peers and stuff liked. And so, um, I just always kind of felt a little bit different. Um, but I met this guy when I was in middle school. Um, and we had like, the whole, I think it was like seventh grade. We had a class together and like the whole time we became friends, but we never like told each other. We had a crush on each other or anything. And then, um,

come that summer, he, um, messaged me on my space because that was like the thing back then. Yeah. And, um, asked me out. And we ended up dating from like, seventh grade summer like going into eighth grade until like almost into ninth grade and that was my first relationship ever um so i feel like for being like around 13 like that's a pretty long time you know yeah um and he was like my first kiss and but it was very like innocent you know it wasn't anything super serious like we just were like best friends and we just happened to be dating um but um that went really good, but unfortunately, like, we just were so young that I don't think it was, you know, really going to go anywhere super long term. So we broke up. And there was a guy, this was when I'm in

ninth grade now, and there was a guy that was in my English class. And he was super funny, like, very extroverted. I was very much not. It was really shy. Like, I just kept to myself. And so, I mean, I thought he was really cute. But, like, I was. I never thought that he would be interested in me or anything. And he had like really long brown hair, which is like my thing. Yeah. Like rocker, like almost like rocker like cowboy. He wore these like cowboy boots every day with jeans and a white t-shirt.

And I just thought it was so unique because I'm like, nobody else really looked like that. And we had a lot of like mutual friends. Like I knew who he was and stuff. But I didn't really like talk to him a whole awful lot. But I definitely had a crush on him. and thought he was really cute, but I was like, there's no way I ever have the confidence to go talk to him, you know? And then one day in gym class, this kid was like, hey, he really likes you, you know,

he thinks you're cute. And in that moment, I felt like I was like on punked and like Ashton Coochard was going to come out, like the whole class was going to point and laugh, you know, because it just didn't seem real. And I was like, there's no way, like, I have to be the butt of a joke right now, you know. Right. And sure enough, he messaged me like on Facebook later on. and we got to talking and stuff and I was like, I cannot believe this is real life.

You know, I think he's like the hottest guy in the school. And so we ended up hanging out. And the first time we ever hung out, we went to this music venue. So he was a guitar player and a singer. And his band played like blues music, which was really different. I feel like for like a 13 year old kid. I was going to say it's crazy. Yeah, like I just, he was very different.

And so, yeah, it was funny that he was like into that kind of music. as such a, you know, young kid. And, um, but they were playing at some venues, like, um, probably somewhere where they would have like retirement parties, like birthday party, very like Midwestern, you know, like a little bar. And, um, so I watched him play and I was like, oh my gosh, he's amazing. I hadn't seen him perform live before, like, heard him, you know, um, and he was so good. And so afterwards, um, we go outside and we're like standing in the back alley and he likes a cigarette and I'm like, he's so cool. Yeah, I totally. love him. Yeah. Um, yeah, I was just like infatuated with him and I just thought he was really,

really cool. And he also was like having that kind of like southern vibe. He had that like, you know, southern like good gentlemen, like, um, very polite manners. And so I was just like infatuated with him. And, um, we continued dating and everything was really good for a while. Um, I was very happy with them. We spent a lot of time together. And I think for me, like, because I grew up kind of feeling like that outcast and like I was like the last to be picked for stuff, you know, um, and kind of like forgotten in the friend group. And with my previous ex, like, he didn't really want to always see me after a certain amount of time that we dated. Like he would ghost me a lot of the times and then I'd be sitting at my house alone like crying,

you know, like, oh, he doesn't want to hang out with me. But this guy like, he wanted to see me all the time. And I loved it. Like we got to spend so much time together. And it's like he genuinely wanted to be around me. And so I just like ate that up. I thought it was amazing. And so things are going really good. And we're like, we spent the summer together and we go down to this place. It was a music center that he, his dad rented like a space hat.

So this music center, like the main floor was like the storefront. he sold instruments and things like that and then he also had like um rooms set up where like um the music teachers could have um they would do music lessons and things like that and um then the top floor above that was his apartment where like the owner's apartment where um he lived at and his family lived there and then the floor above that um was like an attic and it led out onto like a rooftop and then the basement it was like this building was built in like the late 1800s so it was really old and the basement was like all brick there was no light down there or anything. It was like all these rusty pipes like just gross. I probably have like mold in my lungs from it, you know.

And so we would go down there and hang out a lot and they would all get together for like band practice. And so at first like, you know, it was very like innocent fun. We would go there and just hang out. He'd play music and stuff. And then his dad was very, very strict though. Like stricter than the average parent. He didn't allow him to have a cell phone or anything like that. He wasn't really allowed to go out and like hang out with other people at their houses and stuff. I think even the whole time that we dated like he rarely even came over to my house maybe a couple

times. Yeah. His dad was very, very strict. And so with that, I think with him being strict, he created sort of a sneaky teenager. So he would try to use that time because aside from school, that was the only thing. only time he wasn't around him. So it was like he would use that time, um, to do things he shouldn't. And so, you know, it went from everyone playing music and hanging out to then like, oh, let's all go upstairs and smoke cigarettes first and then, and then practice. And then it turned to like,

let's smoke cigarettes and then smoke weed and then come down here and practice. And time would get away. And then it, over time, they just like stopped really practicing at all. And his dad figured that out pretty quickly. And then they stopped, he stopped paying for the room. And so they weren't able to practice down there anymore. So after that happened, you know, we hung out at his house a lot because there really wasn't anything else that we could do. And with his dad being so strict, he like also lived out in the country too.

And so like we were kind of out in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. And he wasn't allowed to even like leave the house and stuff. So like we just would like find stuff around, you know. He had a pond, and so we would like fish, and there was like a garden, so we would like help garden stuff. And it's so funny because I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, you know, doing these like retired activities. And so, but we spent like a lot of time together. And with that, like I feel like we really bonded and grew a lot closer. And he wanted to see me like all the time.

And it got to the point he wanted to see me like every day. And so my grandparents were so nice. and they would drive me all the way out to his house, which was pretty far. I mean, he lived, like, kind of out in the country, like, on this dead and road, backed up to these woods. And they would drive me out there, like, every day after school. And then his dad usually would, like, go to his stepmom's house, and then we'd hang out there for a little bit, and then my grandparents would pick me up from their house.

Usually, like, around 9 o'clock at night on, like, school nights. And then the weekends, I would, like, spend my whole day out there. So we were literally together, like, every single day. and I didn't really think anything of it. I was just so happy that someone like actually wanted to be around me. So I didn't really understand the red flags there. And you were young too. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Like I was so young. I, you know, I didn't think anything of that. I thought it was great. And so, yeah, we got really close. But at the same time, there were some red flags that were coming up. He started being a little bit controlling, but he would do it in like increments. So it was like, you know, it was never, oh, I don't want you to talk to anyone at all.

It would be, I think one of the first times that something happened was I had a friend. He was more of an acquaintance, really, like we weren't super close or anything. But he had messaged me on Facebook. And he saw it and he was like, why are you talking to him? And I was like, oh, he's just like a friend. It's nothing serious, you know? And I don't remember what he even asked about. Probably something about school.

Like it wasn't anything. And he was like, I don't want you to talk to him. I'm like, you should be talking to me. I'm your boyfriend. You know, you shouldn't be talking to other guys like that. And I mean, I had only been in one relationship prior. So I was like, oh, well, maybe I shouldn't be talking to other guys. Then, you know, I don't know.

You know. And if I want this relationship to work, then, of course, I'm going to pick him over this guy I'm not even really close with. So, you know, I stopped messaging him. I think I deleted him off Facebook and stuff. And he actually confronted the guy in person and was like, don't talk to her anymore. And this guy was like super, super nice. Yeah. Like just very non-confrontational.

And like in the back of my head, I felt so bad. I just felt really guilty because I was like, oh my gosh, I hope it didn't hurt his feelings. You know, he didn't do anything wrong. And so that wasn't fair to him. But then things like that would happen. And then he would be like really nice afterwards, you know, really go out of his way to like woo me and stuff again. And then I wouldn't necessarily forget about it. But it would just push it to the back of my head.

And so it was like, oh, yeah, that happened. But, you know, he's still a great guy. You know, he's just protective. He just only wants me. And, you know, and you see all these movies and stuff when you're younger that kind of like romanticized that and stuff too. So I just didn't really see it as a red flag. But it was just like little stuff like that over time kind of added up with the controllingness. And there was another time I had a friend that I had met online actually.

He lived in New Mexico. and we would talk on the phone and email back and forth and stuff. And I hadn't heard from him a long time. And we were actually out on a date. And I think we were at Red Lobster, which is so funny. Because, like, you know, my grandma had to pick us up and drop us off, you know. And I'm like, I didn't have money. How do we go to Redd Lobster?

But we're sitting there eating. And this friend texted me. And I was like, oh, my gosh, like, I haven't heard from him in so long. And instantly he got mad and was like, why are you talking to him, you know? And I'm like, first of all, he lives in New Mexico. second of all, he's gay. Like, he's not interested in me, you know? And he was like, I don't want you talking to him, you know?

And he took my phone and texted him and told him, like, not to talk to me again. And he got up from the table and went outside, smoked a cigarette. And I'm just sitting in there at the table, like, all upset. And, you know, it kind of like took me back to the same thing that happened with the other guy where I just felt bad. Because I'm like, he didn't do anything wrong. But then, you know, he'd be super nice to me again. and I kind of just forget about it. And I'm like, well, you know, it's not like I'm super close with this guy anyway.

He lives in another state, whatever. It's not a big deal. So time goes on. And I think we're like three months into our relationship. And at this point, we are still going to that music center. And he calls me on the phone and it's pretty late at night. And he's like, hey, my two friends, one of them was in the band with him. It was like his drummer.

and he was like, they've already had sex and we haven't yet. And I'm not going to continue to be with you if you're not going to do that. And I was like, uh, and I just was not ready for that at all. Like I was so young still. I think I was 14. Well, it's also like quite a way to.

Oh, yeah. Drop the bomb. Right. Like, yeah, we're going to do this or I'm leaving you. Especially because like I feel like too, it's this whole thing that it's like your first time is supposed to be sweet and romantic. Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah. Like I waited with my previous boyfriend. And we both were on the same page with it that we just were like not ready. And I think that kind of took a lot of the expectation away. So I don't know. I felt very comfortable with my ex because of that. You know, there was no expectation for that at all. It was just very innocent, you know.

Right. And so I was shocked. And I was like in my head. I'm like, okay, I'm not ready for this at all. Like, but I really want to be with this guy. You know, I want to make things work. And also like three months is a long time. time, you know, to make them wait. And so... And you were 14? Yeah. Yeah. And so I called him back and we

talked on the phone. I was like, okay, you know, I'll do it. I really want to be with you. Whatever. And so we went down to the music center and there was this like old wooden elevator in there. And it was like rusty and gross and just scary and it didn't work anymore. And we were like, okay, I guess we'll just go in here, you know, because at the time, the owner, like, he worked there and stuff. He would be there all the time and stuff. So we had to, like, find somewhere to go. But, like, with his dad being so controlling, it was, like, really, this was, like,

the only place we could get away. So, like, he lays down a towel and just, like, gets right to it. And I was, like, this sucks, you know? And the one thing I remember from it was, like, I was, like, hitting my head in the corner of the wall. And I was, like, I don't want to speak up and say anything and, like, ruin it for him. You know, it wasn't about me. And looking back, I'm like, that is so.

sad, you know, that it wasn't about me at all. It was just like, okay, I'm doing this for you. And so, you know, it finishes and leaves and I'm just sitting there. And I just start tearing up because I'm like, oh my God, that was it. Like, that's going to be the story that I have for the rest of my life. And that's, that was, that was it, you know, the big moment. And immediately after that, my mom calls me on the phone. And, I mean, obviously she had no idea. But I feel like mother's intuition is just crazy. So that almost made it feel worse. Like I was really guilty and I don't think, I don't know if I even answered the phone, but I just said there crying and was like, well, did he? That's it. He left. Yeah, he just got up and left like right after. I don't even think

he really said anything. And so, like, all right. And so after that, you know, then it was like, that expectation was set now. Like, that is going to be something that I have to do. So it's like, you kind of just have to get ready for that, you know. And I still just, did not feel like I was ready at all. But, like, it was what it was. And so everything was going good for a while. We would hang out down there. And then, like I said, eventually, like, his dad stopped paying for that.

So as time goes on, I think we're, like, in 10th grade at this time. And I don't know if you've heard of spice, but it was, like, a really popular drug then. Yeah. And so his dad had found out that he was like smoking weed and stuff. And so he ended up drug testing him. And I've never been someone who can enjoy anything like that. Like I've heard you talk about it on the podcast before. And I'm like, yes, oh my gosh, I feel the same way.

Right. Like I cannot smoke. It makes me anxious. So like it's just not anything that's ever been for me. But that was something that he did. And now he couldn't do that anymore. And so when they'd go down and there to like practice music and stuff like there wasn't any like vice I guess um and so spice became really popular because it was

like synthetic weed and it wouldn't pop up on a drug test and so um he got that and the first time that I did it we were at the movie theater and like I said like I mean I don't even smoke weed so it was like that was a huge thing to do you know right and so but I so desperately wanted to fit in like I wanted them to think that I was cool because these were like his friends you know and I didn't really feel like I was super close with them or anything but um it kind of when things like that would happen it brought up those like outcast feelings in me like I had to do stuff to fit in so I didn't necessarily want to do it I didn't want to experience what it was like I solely only did it because they were doing it and I was like I want to be cool too so um we go out to like this field and um smoke it out of an aluminum can

super good for your health and I remember just thinking like this is the dumbest thing ever I don't feel anything and we're walking to the movie theater and it just like hit me all at once and that was like the first time in my life that I ever felt insane anxiety like that I had never felt like that before in my life

and I was standing out in front of the movies like crying and he was like stop you know you're going to make this look weird you know you're fine but it ended up calming down and like we went watch the movie whatever and I'm like I'll never do that again until they bring it out again. Right. And then I'm like, well, maybe I'll try it again. Maybe it'll be fine.

You know, so we do it again. And same thing. It just made me extremely anxious. And I just was like waiting for it to be over the whole time. I would like write down in my notepad and be like, okay, it's 10.50. Check my phone. I get me like, oh, my God, it's only been two minutes. Like, it's just, worst ever.

Yeah. Time goes by so slow. Yes. And you're like wanting it to end and it's just going by so slow. And it's just, it's scary. And I really think that, I mean, that was like the first time that I'd ever had crazy anxiety like that. And as I've gotten older, my anxiety has worsened a ton. I ended up going to the doctor and being diagnosed with like just generalized anxiety disorder and stuff.

And I really think a lot of that stemmed not necessarily from that, but just from being put in situations like that where I didn't have boundaries. Like I kind of just did whatever to fit in. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access,

subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at American Criminal.com. You know, well, I think, too, once you feel anxiety to that level, like, mentally, you know what it feels like so you can convince yourself that it's, like, happening again. Yeah, like it's going to happen again. So then you worry that it's going to happen again constantly. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And people who have an experience that just do not get it.

And so that was just like a couple situations that I was in where it was like, you know, I still was kind of just trying to fit in and be cool and all this stuff. And it's like I was sort of losing who I was as a person a little bit. But at the time, like I wasn't really aware of that. I think I did it a couple times after that. and then that kind of stopped. But we stopped going to the Music Center altogether. And then thankfully that kind of trend died down.

And so we didn't really, I didn't ever do it again after that. But we started hanging out more and he was just starting to become even more so controlling. Like with hanging out with my friends and stuff, he wanted me to hang out with him all the time. And so my friends were kind of like on the back burner so I didn't. see them as much. And so my relationships with people just started to kind of dwindle over time. And I didn't really notice it at the time, though. You know, I still was just like, oh my gosh, I'm with this guy who wants to be with me

and he really loves me and, you know, he wants to hang out with me. And so I lost a lot of those friendships and became pretty isolated. And, you know, like he just wanted me to be only in, like, his friend group. I was only allowed to talk to those people, you know. But he didn't go out of his way at first to say that, but it became abundantly clear after a while. Like, okay, well, anytime I talk to anyone else, you get mad at me. So it's like, it's just easier not to, you know?

And so even hanging out with them, a lot of times I wouldn't really talk to them either. And so just little things over time with the controlling and, like, the isolation. There was one time that I went to the movie theater with one of my friends, and I hadn't seen her in a long time, and I was really excited to see her. and he blew up my phone the whole time I was in the theater. I knew if I had turned it off, he would get mad, you know?

So finally I just went outside and talked to him on the phone. And I ended up having a police officer come up to me and be like, is everything okay? Because I was like crying my eyes out, you know, because I'm like, oh my gosh, I can't even go to the movies and stuff without you not trusting me. You know, and I had never even done anything wrong. And I went to the mall at one point, and I recorded when I was at the mall. I had my video pulled up on my phone to be able to record like my whole mall trip because I wanted to be able to show him like, look, I didn't talk to anybody.

Like he expected me to do that. So it was like little things like that built up over time to where at first I didn't really realize that it was a huge deal. And now looking back, I'm like, oh my gosh, all these things. Like he completely isolated me, which is what he wanted, you know. He wanted me all to himself. And abusers, that's what they do. like they want to control every aspect of your life and he did um you know and he would make remarks about like my clothing choices and stuff like even down to that aspect of my life i felt was controlled

um and another thing that i really struggled with um this was probably like closer to like my 10th and 11th grade probably closer going into 11th grade um was i developed an eating disorder because he um he had made a remark he'd made several remarks um just regarding like my appearance and my weight and stuff and I was never like big by any means but I was like chunky growing up and I mean around that age like you just have that baby fat you know like it was natural but he started to make me feel really insecure about it and at one point he had said oh you're like two times the size of my ex-girlfriend and it was just a really like hurtful thing to say even though and she wasn't big either you know but it was hurtful and over time I

started just analyzing myself a little bit more. And it's also hard because at that age, that's when you really start to see in like media, you know, magazines and stuff, these celebrities and their thin bodies and stuff. And so it was really difficult because I was like, I look nothing like that. And in particular, he loved Kim Kardashian, which is funny because now I love her. But back to then I hated her because I was like, I want to look like her, you know, what does she have that I don't? But I remember me and my grandma were walking through Walmart one day and we saw a bottle of, or I saw a bottle of hydroxycutt and it had Kim Kardashian on the front.

And so in my mind, I was like, well, she takes that and looks like that. And then I can take that and look like that. So I started taking that. And I'd severely decreased the amount that I was eating and stuff. I would eat at lunch at school. This was like during the time that I think Obama was still president. And so like, you know, the whole Michelle. Obama, like they did the, like, healthy kids eating. And so we had like a line specifically for,

like salads, baked potatoes, things like that, like healthier options. So I would go through the line and get like a salad like every day. And then after school, I'd go to his house. And I'm a huge animal lover, so I'm not really a big meat eater or anything. And, you know, I go to his house at night and they're like, we're having squirrel. I'm like, no thanks. Squirrel. I've never even heard of that. Oh my gosh. Yeah, that's Indiana things. Okay. Yeah. And so, but I was like no, I don't think I'm going to eat that. So I would a lot of times go without eating dinner and stuff. And so I dropped the weight really quickly with that and the, you know, like the hydroxy cut and

stuff, sometimes like laxatives. And in my mind, like, I didn't think anything was wrong with this, you know? Like, I just never saw it as like a problem. But I dropped the weight quickly and people were making remarks. And one of my friends actually was like, my brother was thinking like, you're on drugs. And in that moment, I feel like I should have felt shameful. or guilty, but I didn't. Like, I felt proud.

Yeah. I was like, oh, it's working, you know? And unfortunately, this was also the time that, like, the pro-ana stuff was, like, really popular, like, on Tumblr. So I would see those pictures for, like, inspiration and stuff. And I dropped down to, like, 100 pounds. And it still just was, like, not good enough. I still didn't feel good about myself.

Would he make any comments of you losing the weight? Not that I remember. No, it's like he never really, like, picked up on it or, like, complimented me. No. So in my head. it was like I was like chasing for that. Like I wanted him to think I looked good, you know, but it never, he never said anything. And so I just kept doing that.

And I remember even in school, like we would have our health class and they would talk about like anorexia and bulimia and things like that. And I never once was like, oh, I have that or I have those issues or anything like that. And I was like, oh, that sucks that people go through that, you know. Well, I think too, like what I wanted to mention is and why I think your story is so important is because, you know, unfortunately there's a lot of people that are in abusive relationships. But I think that when you're that young, like it's so hard, if not nearly impossible, to even pick up on what's happening.

So like you said, like even being taught what certain eating disorders were, it's like, I feel like your brain doesn't even develop to be like self-aware to know, like, oh, I'm doing this. Exactly. Or anything like that. So I think it's so interesting. And even the fact, I mean, it's like he was young too, obviously. but even the fact that like I feel like how it happens is the person starts out nice

and you think they're like a really nice trustworthy person and it like over time these traits just build up and things keep adding and I feel like because it wasn't all at once it's hard to see like oh this is a problem right and I feel like too everybody wants to feel like loved and needed so like to get to have somebody I feel like that like wants to see you at the time like you were saying it's like you just hold on to like those things and kind of let go oh, well, now I'm basically like ruining myself trying to make this person happy mentally and physically. So, yeah, no, I just wanted to mention that because I think that that's why it's even more important

because of the fact that when you're young, that's like something you're not even going to really. Because at that point, it's like who's talking about abusive relationships when you're 14? Exactly. You know what I mean? Like, no one's going to tell you, oh, look out for this. That's something that you learn over time or you see as you get older. It's not something that you would think you would be in from such a young age. Oh, yeah, never.

No, it's like you learn about this stuff, but you don't apply it to you then. Right. Like, it seems like your mind just isn't there at that age. No, your brain is not even like fully developed at all to be making like rational decisions and especially to be in like long term relationships like that. Yeah. Yeah, it's like that's a huge thing for me is I really feel like in school if they were to focus more on like unhealthy relationships and some of these red flags that come up. To pick up on. Yeah.

many people just don't realize. And also, like, teenagers and stuff, like, you know, their parents might tell them these things, but a lot of times they don't. And so to put that responsibility fully on the parents, I feel like, kind of sets them up for failure because they may even be seeing that at home and think that that's what's normal, you know? And so I'm huge on that. I really think that we should definitely educate more when kids are in middle school and high school to be aware of like what the red flags and stuff are in relationships like that. Absolutely. Because it can happen quickly.

Especially like you said, whenever they are really nice at first, obviously nobody goes into a relationship with someone who's awful and is like, yeah, I want to stay with that person. Right. You know, it'll be just something will happen here and there. And then they love bombing you and it's like, oh my gosh, I think you're the greatest thing ever. And they tell you all these sweet things. And, you know, he was always so affectionate with me.

And it just seemed like a really. sweet guy so these things were seemed minuscule you know and looking at the big picture now I see it's a problem but then when I was living it didn't at all you know right um but yeah so I definitely struggled with the eating disorder thing for a while and I like I still do you know I still um I feel like have kind of a skewed body image because because of that um and I get in the habits of like restricting and binging and stuff but I feel like at least I'm self-aware enough now to know like okay that's not healthy you know like um and so but that was just one of the things i feel like he did that kind of affected a huge part of my life and you know it's been 10 years and that still affects

me to this day um and so um while we were dating um you know of course after like we both had lost over virginities to each other um and when we would go over to his house and stuff it was his like usually his stepmom's house in the like evenings and stuff we'd go over there and um that expectation was still always there and me like i was such a people pleaser like goody two shoes i didn't want to get in any trouble ever so i never really wanted to have sex like it was uncomfortable for me i'm like oh if we get caught like especially too after your first experience being the way it was yeah like it didn't really it was always more mature it felt like it was more for him and so it was nothing that I ever necessarily wanted to do.

And so it totally like ruined my relationship and view like with sex in general at such a young age. And so, but a lot of times we would still continue to do that anyway. I'm so sorry. That's so okay. She's so cute. She's like, I'm really a hugger. That's for sure. It's my girl.

She's so cute. She's a sweetie. She really is. But like it's like just like feeling like an obstacle. How close can I get? So I feel like it just ruined my relationship and my view like with sex in general and it made it more of like a chore rather than something I was like. Enjoying.

Wanting to do. Yeah. And I feel like when you're that age like your hormones and stuff are crazy. And so it's like that's something that you should want to do and enjoy and like, you know. And I think at that point I was probably like, um, you know. 15-16-ish. So I was a little bit older, but still. And so we would go over there and a lot of times he would expect that. And it was like pretty much every day. And like I went over there every day and like that would sort of be expected of me. And so that was difficult. A lot of the times like,

you know, if we're like watching TV or something, I feel like I would kind of just like dissociate and like start to watch TV and like not really be in the moment at all. And I didn't think like anything of that then, you know, it was just kind of like, well, I'm his girlfriend. That's what I'm supposed to do, you know? And if I say no, I'm not going to be a cool girlfriend or he's going to get mad at me. So like, whatever, it's just easier to go along with. And I didn't think that was a problem. And there was one time specifically that we were arguing about something.

And he'd like wanted me to perform oral. And I was like, I don't want to do that. And, you know, I'm like crying and stuff. And he was like, if you don't, then you can hit the road. You can go stand outside in the rain and wait for your grandparents to come pick you up. And his parents were literally like in the next room. Have no idea like any of this is going on. I'm like, you know, trying to be quiet, like crying and stuff because I just never wanted to cause a scene.

Right. And his dad, like his dad was a pretty scary guy too. So it was just very intimidating for me. So I just never spoke up and said anything. And so I did it. And I cried like the whole time he did not care. And that was something like I went home. and really thought about that and was like, oh my God, like, how can someone do that, you know?

Still, though, never, like, realize what a problem that really was. Absolutely. Until, you know, I got older and started thinking about it and stuff. Like, I had no idea. And so that really continued for, like, the majority of our relationship. And, yeah, I feel like it kind of just diminished any good relationship that I had with that. at all. And it's something that I still struggle with to this day. You know, it's taken a lot. And it's affected my current relationships, definitely. You know, and so that's been a hard thing.

Yeah, with anything physical, I think a huge part of it is, I think half of it is like for that sexual satisfaction. And the other half is like if you're doing it with somebody that you're in a relationship with and you love it, it's supposed to feel like you're getting closer with that person and romantic and give you that like boost of love kind of feeling. So I think that for that being your first experience of that, it takes all of that meaningfulness out of it. Oh, yeah. And it's like you were doing it so often.

And each time it had less and less meaning. Exactly. So it's like how do you get that back with someone new. That's basically how you were trained from the beginning of like this is all this is. Yeah, it's just like a chore. Right. It's not, especially because he didn't care.

No. But he was not thinking about how does she feel is she enjoying herself. No, no, never. He could not care less. And so that was really difficult. Over time, he started to become a little bit more like physical and sort of temperamental and stuff and to the point where I sort of feared him a little bit. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone in school and he made that clear.

So not even like friends, like girlfriends? No. Like he actually said to me if someone were to ask me like for a pencil or something, like I was expected like not to talk to them at all. He never directly said I couldn't talk to my girlfriends. I just didn't have any anymore. So, you know, that kind of like, he isolated me so much that it eliminated that. I feel like if I did have girlfriends, he probably would have been like, oh, I don't like her

because of this, you know, whatever. And so, yeah, he fully expected me not to talk to anybody at all. And I was like, that's kind of an insane request, you know? And I was such a, like, good-natured person, like, friendly, nice with everybody. So it was really difficult for me to not talk to people because I was. I'm like, well, now everyone just thinks I'm a bitch, you know? And I didn't want that. Like, that was hard for me.

And, like, I was always so afraid that, like, while I was in class, he would walk by or something and see me through the window, like, talking to someone. And so, like, the whole class, I'm like, if someone asked me something, I, like, glanced up at the window and stuff. And I was genuinely, like, fearful of him. And I, he broke two of my phones. One of them the first time, because he was. he wasn't allowed to have a cell phone, he would take my cell phone during school. Like,

beginning of school, I'd give it to him. He would have it all the way until the end of school. And so he would use it to text people and, like, use the internet and stuff. But one time he broke it and brought it back out to me and he told me that it was an accident. Like, he'd sat on or it or fell or something. And I didn't really think anything of it until like a year later. And somebody was like, oh, hey, isn't that your boyfriend? I'm like, yeah. And he was like, oh, well, he broke your phone that one time. That was so crazy. He broke it in class.

And I was like, what are you talking about? And he was like, because you had that rap song on there. And he didn't like it because it made him think of like your ex or whatever. And so he like snapped her phone. And I was like, I didn't know that. You know, I didn't know that's what had happened. And I don't remember if I ever confronted him about that person telling me that or not. Because I feel like if I would have, then he would have known like, oh, but you talk to somebody.

why are you talking them in the first place? You know? It would cause more issues. Exactly. So to let that go, he broke another one of my phones during lunch. She just like snapped it. And, you know, I'm like, I'm in high school. My grandma's like paying for my phone and stuff.

So I'm like, I feel horrible having to tell her like, oh, I broke it on an accident. You know, I didn't want to tell her the truth because his image was still very important to me. Like I wanted my family to like him and stuff. And so I didn't really tell them a lot of that. And there was. just some other instances that he would go out of his way to like make me feel really degraded. There was a time I was walking into my class before when we were standing in the hallway

and he was mad about something and he took his water bottle and opened it up and dumped it on my head in front of everybody. And so I just felt so like numb in that moment and just detached and it was just very degrading. That's like that's bullying. Oh yeah. Like he was literally a bully to me and I had never experienced that from anyone before. So it was like he took out whatever pent up, built up anger he had inside, like on you. Definitely. Yeah. I think because he was so controlled, he controlled me. Right. And so it just, that was like one of those moments that really like, it just stuck with me because I remember everybody looking at me and like nobody said anything, you know? And I had to walk to class with like soaking wet hair. And there was another time in the lunch room that he,

I had, my grandma would stop at McDonald's every once in a while before school because she actually worked at the school in the cafeteria. So I would like see her on my lunch every once in a while. And I had brought McDonald's from that morning and he got mad about something and threw the bag at my head in front of everyone. Nobody said anything. It actually ended up like hitting a girl behind me. I was like, sorry. My boyfriend's crazy. But it was just things like that that it was like he didn't really even view me as like a person and I feel like at a certain point like he just took out all this anger on me and made me feel horrible and it made me feel that much more invisible like I already felt like you know my whole life I'd grown up as like this invisible outcast nobody ever really paid

attention to and like now even more so it's like here's this happening to me in front of everyone and nobody ever said anything right and I think a lot of people were scared of him too like he did get in fights and stuff at school. And I ended up hearing after we broke up that there were some kids that were like going to come over and talk to me at my job, but they were too afraid to because I had a crazy boyfriend. And to that point, we had been broke up for like two years. So it was like that followed me, you know. And so I feel like he became more intimidating. And the only time that I really ever remember him becoming like super physical with me, he had like choked me before when we were like sitting watching TV or something and I'm sure we were arguing about something. And like I

almost passed out and that was the first time that anybody had ever been like physically aggressive like that with me. And it was scary, you know, but like things like that would happen. And then he'd be super, super nice afterwards. You know, I'd be like, I'm not going to talk to you anymore. And then he would, you know, I'd like block him or something. And then he'd message me on PlayStation. And I'm like, oh my gosh, this guy's really going through everything to be able to talk to me. Right. Isn't it sad that it's like you think because somebody finds a way to talk to you in a different way other than like the norm that it means that they care? You're like, oh, they're really trying to reach out. You know, he's really trying to make this to right, you know? And so he'd be

really sweet for like a long time. And but yeah, that was really one of the only times that I remember being, him being like really physical. But sometimes I feel like when you talk about that sort of thing with people, people don't take it as seriously because it's like, oh, well, he didn't hit you. you know he was never like being physically abusive stuff with you and it's almost like dismissive and it's like but what about all the other stuff you know that's still just as as hurtful and painful but i feel like a lot of times people sort of dismiss that you know at well at least he didn't he didn't ever hit you or anything like that i don't think people realize the impact that emotional abuse can have on people oh yeah um because like you said those things go with you your

whole life like not only is it something that you remember but like it's it's traumatic so like it gives you PTSD in ways that you don't even know. Like, and I only say that because, like, I was in a relationship that there were, like, it was more physical at times. And I feel like right out of it, I definitely was every time I hear a loud car, I was, like, scared. It was like him. And then even years later, when I had some sort of issue happened, like, I just started

crying and it was like shocking to me. Yeah. That, like, after all these years when you think you're fine, if, like, one little thing happens that even triggers, like, a memory or a thought. of a past experience, like there it is again, you know what I mean? Which is so crazy to me because, but yeah, like you said, physical or not, people definitely dismiss it. I don't think that they realize the effect it can have on you, like within yourself, but then also

your future relationships. But just in general, like even with the eating and stuff and your self image and even what you expect from other people, it's like how do you even know what's right and what's wrong after something like that, especially when it's one of your first relationships? Oh, exactly. Yeah, it like taints the whole view of what a healthy relationship is. You don't really know. And then in future relationships, it's like because you went through that and you now realize, like, oh, that was so awful and traumatic.

Now it's like every little thing that comes up, like, oh, is that a red flag? Do I need to leave? Like, is it, you know, and it kind of has that hard, like, line of like, what's healthy? What's not healthy? And, you know, thankfully, I was able to go to therapy and stuff. And I think that was a huge help for me kind of, you know, understand. like what a healthy relationship really is. And I feel like I'm a very self-aware person. So I've done a lot of reflection. But like you said, you know, it's been over 10 years now. And there's still

things that will come up, like even certain music that'll play and I'll hear that. And it instantly takes me back to like to those times. And something as silly is like somebody, you know, messing with me. And they might like pour water on me or something like that like joking around. And it's like instantly I feel like that. You're back in that. Sadness. Yeah. Like just this overwhelming feeling. and it's just crazy how trauma works like that, you know, feeling triggered like that over what seems like the smallest things. And it's hard to explain to people if they haven't really been through it before. Yeah.

And I think, too, there's definitely a spectrum of, you know, different types of abusive relationships, but like abuse is abuse. Oh, yeah. At the end of the day. So it's like, and that's why I was saying, you know, unfortunately, so many people deal with it emotionally, physically, maybe both. but at the same time when you're when something's happening to you that young it's like there's probably so many kids that are even like even like whether it's a guy or a girl doing the abuse

they might not even realize what they're doing because like on that side of it they're still young and it's like they're only probably acting out in the ways that like how you said his dad was so controlling right clearly there was something within him from that it was taught to him making him act that way and take that on you. Exactly. So he needs a lot of fucking therapy out of these. But like at the same time it's interesting because the abuser half the time probably doesn't even aware, especially at that age.

Oh yeah. Like they don't need. What does a kid know? I have no idea. You know? And it's just, it's crazy because I just think that that's something that I don't think you hear about as much because you're kids. Exactly.

Yeah. Like my brother, he's 10 years younger than I am. So he's 16. And thinking of him like even a couple years ago, at my age than being in a relationship like that, I can't even imagine. Because he was so just a kid to me. I'm like, you know, he's playing like Minecraft and stuff. And like I'm over here like smoking spice and having sex with this guy and like, you know,

put in all these like dangerous situations and stuff. And it's like I just can't even imagine my brother being in a relationship like that with someone, you know? And, you know, my grandparents, like they had no idea. And so I just think it's really important. to bring up and talk about like with with teenagers and stuff and just make them aware of like what's going on because I looked up the statistics before I came here and it's like one in three teenagers amidst to being in like abuse or some sort of like abusive relationship right as a teenager

before they even reach adulthood and that is crazy to me because it's just something you don't really ever hear about like right even when I was younger I thought that kind of stuff happened you know like as an adult and I thought you know rape is like what happens in a like back alley with strangers and stuff and that that can't happen in a relationship, you know. Right. And that's the, you actually, that reminded me of what else I was going to say before is that not everything, it's not a one size fits all. Like, and that's sort of what I was saying last episode too is that somebody can look a

certain way or you might think in your head like, oh, this is what something looks like. Right. But it doesn't always look like that. Yeah. And yeah, I mean like in the situations that you were in that you clearly didn't want to do certain things. Like that might not be what you, you know, might not be rape in an alleyway, but it's rape in a relationship.

Right. And I think a lot of people aren't aware of that. And I know that I always say that I always say this. But there's always somebody that listens that might, that might even be younger and be like, oh, wait, my boyfriend kind of does some of those things. And then they might realize maybe that is a problem. Because like I literally can't trust enough. Like when you're that age, even like what you were saying, at that time, all you want

is to like be with a cool guy. Right. Or you look at people. And I feel like you're so, what's the word? Like, there's a word for it. What is it when you... Not like easily influenced, but like you... Like, there's a word.

Like impressionable? Yes. Thank you. Like, you know, people, you're just so intrigued by people too. It's like, you see somebody and you're like, I want to do that or I want to hang around that or that's so cool. So it's like when somebody does these things, you're not going to pick up on it. Oh, no.

It's like romanticized. Right. You know, you see that in like movies and stuff. And I'm like, oh, I want that like very dramatic, intense love, you know, and that. And it didn't seem like toxic to me or at the time. It was just like, oh, we're just so in love. He's just crazy about me. Like, you know, he just really loves me.

That's why he acts like that. He wants me all to himself. And so part of you is like flattered by that. And especially for someone, you know, if they grew up like me that kind of felt like they chased for that their whole life, you know, I feel like it makes it a little bit more difficult and easier to get yourself put in those situations. Yeah. And I think even too for parents, I know it can be hard.

because obviously kids can easily hide a lot and probably don't want to share everything with their parents. But at the same time, I feel like even for parents to kind of be more involved in their children's relationships or kind of like ask maybe certain questions that might just to feel it out because it can be so easy to think. I think even as a parent like, oh, they're kids, they're innocent. They're just dating when because at that age, like, why would you ever think at that age that those serious things would be happening? You know, when you were saying that you were looking at your brother and he was obviously living. his life as, you know, a normal, what's the 14, 15 year old. But it's just like those types of things I don't think you expect to happen at such a young age and it almost forces you to grow up.

Oh, yeah, definitely. Because it's like that's not your typical 14, 15 year old relationship that you're in, that it's all of these things kind of being forced upon you. And you're like I said, it's almost like you were being trained from your first or second relationship to like, oh, this is how I should be as a woman or this is my role in a relationship, which it never is. Exactly. So, but no one's taught that, like you said, and I think it is so important that if,

if certain things were taught, because nobody, I feel like people, teachers and schools, they, they think that relationships are like something that just comes with age. It's like, oh, when you hit this age, girls, girls and boys are interested in each other and they explore and whatever else. Right. But I think that if it was maybe just touched on of, like you said, whether it's the red flags or just even just how to treat people. Yeah.

Like if people just learned how to treat people, maybe. some of these things could be, even if not prevented, just kids were more aware. Oh, yeah. But this isn't right. And consent is a big one, I think, too. Oh, absolutely. I feel like I didn't really have a clear understanding of, like, what consent really was until I got older.

And so learning, like, that it is an enthusiastic yes. If it's anything less than that, it's a no, you know what I mean? Even people that think that because that's your boyfriend. Right. That it doesn't count. Right. Well, you've done it 10 times before. So what is it, you know, even if you didn't want to this time?

Exactly. Like, yeah, that's back to like the one size doesn't always fit all. And people should be very aware that no is no. Right. And no matter if you feel like you're close with somebody, because like you were with him for what? Oh my gosh. Yeah, I think three because it was ninth grade to 12th grade. We ended up breaking up my senior year of high school like towards the end.

Right. How was he with that? Was he? It actually was not too bad. So towards the end of our relationship, just after so many things had happened and I just was feeling very depressed. My grandpa, I passed away around that time. It was in 2012. And so it was just me and my grandma on our own. And I was having a really hard time with my grandpa's death anyway. And then just with the added stress of this relationship, I was

mentally, physically exhausted all the time. I would come home and just want to sleep all the time. Like, I felt depressed. So you just weren't hanging out with them as much? We still definitely hung out. Unfortunately, I felt like I didn't really want to, but I didn't want to make him mad. And so, but yeah, it just, I felt depressed all the time. And even going over to his house, like we would take naps at his house. He actually wasn't allowed to take naps, which is crazy. But, you know, I would go over there and like sometimes try to lay down and stuff if we watch a movie. But I just, yeah, it was just exhausting to be in something like that. And I kind of just got to the point where I was feeling pretty fed up, but I didn't know when to leave. I was

like setting deadlines. Like, okay, if he doesn't get better by this time, I'm leaving. And then something would happen. I'm like, okay, actually, like, next time. If something bad happens again, I'm not staying anymore. And actually, after my grandpa had passed, this was shortly after. We were arguing about something. And he was like, he'd said something about, basically about my grandpa passing away. Like, um, and it was very hurtful. And I was like, why would you say anything like that? You know, it was just very disrespectful. And so he had walked off to the bathroom and I was sitting there in my computer chair, like kind of just crying to myself. And, um, because my grandma, we were actually over at my house. Um, and my grandma had left to go get us like food or something. So it was just us to

there. And, um, I had like this bulletin board type thing, like hung up on my wall where I had, It was like my vision board. And so, you know, I had like pictures of like the dogs we went in like the houses and stuff. Like it was like our future together basically. And I had a picture of us hanging up. And I'm not really a religious person. I guess I would be more spiritual. But I definitely believe in like signs from like the universe and stuff.

And that day was like abundantly clear. So I'm sitting there and the picture of me and him falls off the wall and onto the floor. And I look over at it. And of course this was like right after my grandpa passed and he had passed in. that apartment and I just was like okay I get it like I got to leave you know he was like he had been removed like from my future and so um after that I think we hung out like twice after that um and I ended up just breaking up with him and I was like I can't do this anymore you know and what's crazy is um even though I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone and you know you would kind of think it was like

the same thing for him um we broke up but he ended up in a relationship like a week or two later. Wow. Yeah. So it was just kind of like, he probably needs that. Yeah. It makes you wonder. I'm like, did you already like had you been talking to her? Like did you already know her? Like, you know, like I had no idea. And so it was just kind of like, okay, but it made it easier at least for me to get out of it. Yeah. Definitely. At least it wasn't something that you couldn't get out of her. Definitely. Definitely. Yeah. Yeah. People like that, unfortunately, a lot of times they're always going to do their own thing. Oh yeah. And then have that control over you like your, their property or, you know, like they just need that control to feel better about themselves and to fill whatever void it is within them that makes them so miserable.

Yeah. But no, I think it was great. And I think like we already said, I think it is such an important topic to talk about not only being in an abusive relationship, but also being in one so young. Because it really isn't talked about a lot of all. No, not at all. And it makes a huge impact on like the rest of your life and takes a lot of time to heal from. I'm still not fully healed from that. Right.

And also I think we've had a lot of people on talking about therapy. and I'm not somebody that had, I don't want to say I had like no success. I mean, maybe I didn't really have success with therapy, but I don't know, I just got a Charlie horse. Sorry. No, I'm not somebody that I've gone to therapy, but I think I kind of like do therapy with myself and that kind of helps. But I've had a lot of people on recently kind of talking about therapy and how good it is.

And I feel like that's another thing to bring up is how important it is. Like even if you're out of something or you go through something, whether it's death or bad relationship or literally so many other things, how important it is to seek help and to talk to someone, like even if therapy is not something you stick with from like, you know, now forever. Right. To still kind of take that step to be like, all right, it's good for me to talk about this and kind of sort through in my brain, like what happened to me? Exactly.

Because I think a lot of people think, even for myself, like a lot of people will think, well, now I'm out of something or now that that's over, now that I move past this, like, let me just forget about it. But like our brains don't forget. And that's why there are little triggers that come up in the future that will have an effect on us. And that is why, like I always say and believe that we are who we are because of what we've been through and what we've experienced. And we can, there's, I always say there's one or two ways to deal with that. You can either learn from it and grow from it and be a better person or you can let it kind of just like take over you and have that negative effect.

So, no, I think it's great that you went to therapy and bring that up to because I really do think maybe that isn't the answer for everybody's problems. But I do think it's important to sort through what's happened to you and talk to people because that's the only way I think that it, I don't think the only way, but I think it can really help you heal. Oh, definitely. And at least get you on the right. Especially having like a professional opinion. Yeah, exactly.

For me, it helped me break down like, okay, really, what was it like in my childhood that made me the person that I am to say that allowed me to be in certain situations, you know? Like the root causes of things. Definitely. So I think, I think it's hugely beneficial even. if you're not going through something or haven't really been anything just to kind of like deep dive. Why am I, you know, why do I do certain things? Because everyone has flaws and stuff. So, yeah, I think therapy is great. And it was a huge help for me. And even though I talked to them about

kind of like the, a small summary of like what happened, really the big things, I still never to this day in 10 years, even in my relationships, have sat down and actually talked to someone and told them like my full story. This is literally the first time. Yeah. So it's really. meaningful to me just to get it out there and like okay like that was something that I went through and you know now I can use that to talk to other people and be like hey this is something that's important to talk about and can be really detrimental to teenagers and stuff and yeah and like I said and hopefully help girls or boys that are listening and might pick up one even if it's just like one or two things that might even remotely be similar or kind of like make a light bulb go off of like

oh well I thought that was a little weird. Yeah, but I didn't really pick up on it. But no, seriously, I think it's amazing that you wanted to share your story. And thank you so much for wanting to do it on my podcast. I appreciate it so much. And you did amazing. Thank you. Of course.

Thank you.