We're All Insane - Addicted to Fentanyl at 16

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

CW: This episode contains descriptions of addiction and SA. Fentanyl, an incredibly potent synthetic opioid, presents an alarming and ever-growing threat to today's youth. Its prevalence and allure have ignited a public health emergency. Adolescents and young adults, in their quest for experimentation, are especially susceptible. The peril emanates from its unparalleled potency; even minuscule quantities can prove fatal. Fentanyl frequently lurks within counterfeit pills and illicit substances, deceiving users into believing they are ingesting something less harmful. This hidden menace has precipitated an alarming upswing in youth overdoses, claiming numerous lives. Its addictive grip further compounds the danger, ensnaring young lives in cycles of dependency. Prioritizing awareness, education, and accessible treatment is imperative to safeguard our youth from this perilous epidemic. Sophie: https://www.instagram.com/sophieloo_/ https://www.tiktok.com/@sophiescityyy If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, I'm Sophie Lou and I was addicted to fentanyl at 16. I'm going to start with where I was born. I was born in Manhattan, New York, and I was raised by my mom, my dad, and my brother. He's about three years older than me. Yeah, I moved to, I was living in Hoboken

when I was first born. And then my mom had a job in the city. She was a publisher, and we moved to long-eye island shortly after that. And during that time period, I would think I was three. I had like, after going to treatment later, I started getting memories of being touched by like some weird man, but like I felt like I knew him, but I couldn't put a face on it. I just saw like little flashes of walking up a spiral staircase. and sitting on a bed, like little things like that.

I didn't really remember it, and I think that's because, like, my child brain, like, protected me from it. I moved to Brooklyn when I was about five, and my parents really gave me, my mom started to move up in her company, and my dad was a Division III basketball coach at college. I don't remember what college he was at the time,

but he was always traveling, always moving and I didn't really notice anything wrong with them but when I was five they sat us down at the coffee table and me and my brother were like oh shit like this about to be some shit this is about to be something bad and we got told that they were splitting up and I was really young I didn't really know what was going on but I have like a faint memory of me my mom my dad like laying down in a bed watching Mama Mia. And that was like the last hurrah, the last like time that he stayed in that house. And then he moved on, moved out. And he went to an apartment a few blocks away in Brooklyn. And we lived in a tiny town, a tiny neighborhood, Bay Ridge. And I kind of like to think of myself as like

the Duchess of Bay Ridge. I just think I'm hot shit sometimes. It's good, good confidence. I want to be Margo Robbie. That's like my goal in life. She is so hot. Yeah, so my parents, they split up and my dad was like really going through it. He started using alcohol as a coping mechanism. He, I don't think he wanted it to happen. It was more of my mom saying, like, it was 14 years of marriage too.

And she was just done. Yeah. It just wasn't working anymore. It wasn't 50-50 anymore. It was like 80-20 at that point. And about five months later, there was a neighbor across the street, a neighbor. And he used to walk his dog right on by my friend Stoop when me and my mom were like outside, painting her toenails or something. And I only had like five months of just like my mom being a single mom taking care of us.

And she struggled, like she struggled. But she also was kind of the main caretaker for us in the past few years. So I think she just struggled with not having a companion because also my mom is a very codependent person on me and my brother, on whatever kind of relationship she's in. So five months later, we were sitting on that stoop, pan-air and toenails. and the man with the dog from across the street came over. And he was talking my mom.

He was like trying to ris her up. And he did pretty well. And he kind of like worked his way into a relationship with my mom. And he moved in a few months later. This was all within a year. Like my mom found a new man and she let him move in with his dog. And I was happy. Like I was happy for her.

Like, I never really saw anything wrong with that man until, like, recently when I've been going to therapy, like, for years. And it just wasn't a healthy relationship for anyone. That man was not, I don't want to say a bad person, but he wasn't ready to raise children. And he inserted himself into a family that he wasn't. capable of taken care of or he made dinner a lot and my mom was like he takes care of the house he does this but also she paid for him to go to college or grad school and he was a professor for a few years but he didn't really make that much money my mom was still the breadwinner in the house and you're about five at this time you said five six okay so you were young yeah

I was pretty young. Yeah, it was pretty young. So like an old person, sometimes I say shit. I said to my friend the other day, nowadays. I was like, damn. Makes you feel old. Yeah, what the hell? I feel like I'm an old grumpy woman sometimes.

I wake up with back pain. I'm like, yeah, it happens. Some things, just to give you some examples of like what he was like, he didn't lock the doors at night in my house. and I lived in Brooklyn. Like Bay Ridge was a pretty safe neighborhood, but also every neighborhood, every town has like safe parts and dangerous parts, whatever, and they still get broken into the nice, big houses.

Like those are the ones that get broken into. People are just turned a doornob seeing, like, which one opens. So I knew that. I was very, like, aware of what was going on and just culturally, like, with the people around me, I went to school with a lot of different people. And I learned at a very young age that everyone's equal, everyone should be treated the same. And that's something that my mom always drilled into my head. And it's useful because people are becoming more and more, what's the word?

like people are coming more and more aware of different genders sexual orientation i feel like the younger generation is really making an impact on the world maybe maybe not just an opinion um fuck i got lost again you're okay my brain is like fried from all the fucking drugs you're okay I say that to like, oh my God, I was talking to a new man recently and I said some shit like that. And he was like, what? I was like, oh, fuck. I didn't tell you anything about that.

You don't know me. That's not the same. That's a conversation for later. Yeah, maybe like four dates down the line. Oh, back to the, just to show y'all what kind of person he was. He was, he didn't like. locked the doors and he said that if someone wanted to break in, they would just bust out the window. Like, there would be no point in locking the door.

If someone actually wanted to break in, they would try it some other way. And I was like, hmm, yeah, that actually makes sense. Looking back at it, no, it doesn't fucking make sense. Yeah, you should still take the precaution. What are you talking about? So I was very paranoid at like seven, this young age. And so I would sneak downstairs and lock the door. What kind of kid has to sneak downstairs and lock the door?

Yeah. What type of weird shit is that? Did your mom have any thoughts about it or she just like wouldn't really say much? She slowly got overpowered by him. And I don't want to be extra, but like suffocated. Yeah. And she still doesn't see. She's still with him.

Okay. And they live in, uh, they live in, uh, they live in tax. now. Really? Yeah. Something happened with her job and I don't know whose idea it was, but that's where they are. Moved on out and my thoughts on it are that he has just like isolated her from everyone she knows and loves. She's had a lot of friends that have had to stop talking to her because they were so offended by what he said to them, like when they were hanging out or doing something. He just always, like, broke up relationships. And I was afraid for a long time that he would do that to me and my mom.

Like, that's still a fear of mine. No, for real, he grounded me in third grade and, like, isolated me in my room for, like, three days straight. And he had my mom, like, bringing me food through my door. Like, just, like. So they were red flags about it. him. Red flags. He just, we weren't his children and he would get excited that people would say, oh, is that your daughter? Like at the grocery store and he called me my, his daughter. And then he just, he would, towards, I think I was like 14. I'm skipping around here, but I think it

was 14 and he, um, we were at the dinner table and he just, my brother had a friend. over. I had a friend over. My mom was there. We're all just hanging out. He cooked a nice dinner. We're enjoying it. He said something about my dad. And I was like, let's not talk about him. Like, there was always this feud between them too. And it's like the classic case of like the woman getting a new man and the man hates the other man. Like it's ridiculous. Like we all know the fucking story. Like, and I was just like, can you stop talking about him? Like this is pointless. It's been going on for like seven years. Like grow up both of you. And he was like, like, can you shut the fuck up?

I was like, excuse me? And I like went off. I was like, I'm not dealing with this man. And it was kind of like things like that when I started getting older and I was a teenager where I started to realize maybe this is not the man that I should look up to, the man that I should look at as my father. Because he was like a second dad to me. My dad was struggling.

And he came in at a pretty young age for you too. Yeah, I have a lot of mannerisms that are the same as him. And it freaks me out because it's just nurture over nature. Is that what it is? Nature over nature? Something like that. I get what you're trying to say. Yeah, I know what I mean.

Yeah, I guess it was just growing up around him. I have the same mentality. I think at that age I started using food as a coping skill. And I started like hiding my body. And I didn't want anyone to see me. Like, I didn't really want attention from anybody. At school, I was always wearing, like, basketball shorts and, like, big baggy t-shirts. I was terrified of anyone seeing my body.

And then I would go, and I was playing basketball at the time. Like, I was in chorus and my school, like, always in the school musicals. I was, like, a musical nerd, like, weirdo. And I still am a weirdo. I take pride in that. It's good. It's good to be weird. Yeah, I was doing a lot of shit, but I didn't want to be seen.

Yeah, I would go on stage and I became this different person. And I like things like that where I could just turn on a game face and be. Someone else. Someone else. Yeah. Take a break from being me sometimes. And, yeah, it worked for a little while. Then I started about middle school, 14.

I got introduced to this girl and I think it was younger, maybe 12, 13. Anyway, I introduced to this girl and she was interesting. She liked the nightlife. Like she always went out, she always introduced me to people. And from there, I kind of had like this sense of popularity in my school. And I kind of got excited. I was like, this girl like was just my end to this social group that I've never been a part of. Like I've always been a part of the.

And she was in the school musicals and she was like in the dance club, whatever. Like we were kind of doing the same things. And she had all of these friends that I didn't have and I wanted to have. And this lifestyle that I wanted to have, I started, I remember the first thing I did was like hit her jewel. Then I started hitting her wax pen, just like weed, weed pen. Then we started actually smoking weed and drinking a lot. I remember she was my first friend that ever got so fucked up where she was like throwing up all over my brother's bed, passed out all the time at party. She was reckless and I kind of picked up on that behavior and I followed it.

That's just what I was like, this, this is the life. Like this shit is cool. That same girl, I was friends. We were, we called each other best friends, but there wasn't any way in hell we were best friends. I was kind of like her pet and I'd follow her around. And I did the things she didn't want to do. Like I was her, like, mini assistant or some shit.

And I just, like, ate the shit. I just took it. Like, I didn't have to. But, again, she was my end to that community. And I think that was the first time I ever had a relationship where I needed something from somebody. So I stayed. Yeah. Like, I felt like I could.

didn't leave that person. And she, oh my gosh, she, like, started rumors about me at school. She would, like, make names because, like, oh, my God, man hands was the thing. And I was so self-conscious of my hands for the next, like, five years. Like, even in high school, I was, like, terrified to show my hands. I, like, always had sweaters, like, down to my fingertips. I was like, I just can't. Like, I can't have this kind of rumor spread again. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery

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at Americancriminal.com. And that was all while you guys were friends. Yeah, supposedly friends. Got it. Supposedly friends. She still hangs out with all the same people we did in high school and she still does the same shit,

probably getting blacked out drunk, like everywhere she goes. College life, I'm in the kind of age where people are going to college. Shit, let me hurry up. During COVID, I don't remember what year was that? 2019, 2020? 2020? I moved to Florida. My mom just decided to

up and move for some reasons. And I was in Tampa and I didn't know anybody. Like my stepdad was from Tampa.

So it was his idea to like kind of go back to his old town and how old were you at this point? I was 15. I think it was right after my 15th birthday. Okay. Was your brother still living with you guys? He was at college at that point. And oh my God, I remember my, uh, right before that, my mom tried to get custody of me because somehow, um, she was. was still paying my dad to my mouth. I don't even know what the hell was going on. They told me way too much information about my dad.

Like, their legal issues. I was like, I don't need to know about this. Like, how am I supposed to take this information in? Like, what am I supposed to do with this? You want me to talk to my dad? You want me to tell them, like, stop, like, call the lawyer right now. Let's cut the shit. I don't know.

Yeah, so in Florida, I really didn't have much of anybody. to talk to. This was before school started back up again. I was still in high school. And I was already failing my classes at my last school before I moved before COVID and everything was online. Well, when everything was online, I just really like, I don't know, I was just getting high every day in my room, like not doing shit, stoned, smoking weed. And that became like my everyday ritual. The first thing I did when I moved to Tampa was like, a plug. I was so worried about moving because I didn't have a fucking plug. And like in hindsight, it just sounds ridiculous. But that was my like worst fear, not like leaving my dad in Brooklyn.

It was like I need to have weed or some kind of substance. I started when school started back up again, I started taking the liquor from my parents' cabinet and I put it in white. water bottles and put in my purse, take it to school. So you would drink at school? Oh, yeah. I was starting to drink at school. Like, first thing in the morning, like 9 o'clock in the morning. And I got school late all the fucking time.

Not even 9 o'clock. It was probably like 12 o'clock because I was just getting up and going to school. And that became pretty regular. And I met a few friends at that school. I ended up dropping out. I went to GED school for like a week or two. I met some friends and I was like, hey, let's kick it. Like I just came here for the people about a party with them.

So I just dropped out of everything. I wasn't doing shit with my life. That was my plan. Just party. Did your parents have anything to say about it? Or they kind of just were like doing your thing. They didn't know. They didn't know.

I wasn't going to GED classes for a few months. So like they thought you were probably. going to school, but you were doing your own thing type of deal. Okay. Yep. I was so deceitful. So around this time, I started hanging out with this. I got introduced to this girl, her name, let me not say her name. You don't have to. This blue-haired girl. And she was a trip. She was heavily addicted to her prescription of Xanax. Yes, you could have a prescription. It's still being. addicted. But she would, her and her mom were always in a battle. Like someone ran out of their

scripts, so they took from the other and then the other took from the other and then they had to go buy like street pills and they were just in a whole mess and that, that woman, she came out with a gun one time on her front lawn. I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, just came to get my shit. Like, she was crazy. I started driving her around because she was always so high. So we would take her car and we would just drive it around, fucking smoke blunts, like, get drunk and drive, and drive, like, get drunk and drive, like, dumb stuff. I remember she, kept doing this thing and I was like can you stop doing this shit she would she would drive like 45

minutes out of Tampa to go get Xanax with they were not real Xanax they were fentanyl mostly every uh Xanax that you bought on the street was Fentine I'd say pretty much every I'd say every pill um maybe not ecstasy but ecstasy is or Molly is now laced with meth. Like, you're not doing a pure shit. Unless you are. Like, kudos to you. You're finding good shit.

Don't die. Yeah, so she would drive 45 minutes out of her way to go pick up this Xanax. And then she would take it. And I'd be like, bro, like, now I have to drive. Like, I don't want to drive 45 minutes. And this was the blue hair girl's mom. No, no, no, this was her. This is blue hair.

Blue hair. Got it. Okay. Ms. Blue. And I was just, I just little things like that pissed me off. Like when someone is incapable of doing something quite literally, like just, I knew she was not going to be able to drive. Mm-hmm. Because she would pass out on the wheel.

And she had previously done that, like two weeks prior, she got arrested. for, I think it was a DUI or something under the influence. But you weren't taking the Xanax or the pills at the time? No, I wasn't. I wasn't. I was smart enough at that time to stay away from it. And then at this time I was hanging out with like 35-year-olds. I met this woman.

She was, at the time, I thought she was like my boyfriend. best friend like my second mom i was not talking to my parents at this time like it's completely ignoring them i come home at like four o'clock in the morning and then i'd go back out at like 12 and not come home for a few days and like restart the pattern it was just all over the place yeah i was hanging out with this lady um thought she was like mama bear we had the same birthday we were like it's just meant to be like two drug addicts just insane together and How did you meet her? She was one of my friends' plugs.

Okay. And she had three kids. She has three kids. And she, sometimes I'd watch them for drugs in return, like weed. I got my weed from her. Psychedelics I got from her.

And she would just drive me around, like pick me up, like, do whatever we wanted to do. Like she was great. I thought she was great at the time. I was like, I love this woman. She's amazing. She like gives me drugs, free drugs.

Like nothing else I could ask for at that time. That's all I wanted. And I was hanging out with this guy who was also a drug dealer. A blue-haired girl knew him and told me to stay away from him because he was dangerous. He was getting arrested a lot at the time. He was just not really a good person, but I was like, I see through him. He's just, it's going to be the love of my life. Like, he's got, like, sacks full of pills.

Like, this is my shit. Like, always has weed. and we started hooking up and I'd just go home with drugs every time and I started doing Xanax. I think the first time I did Xanax I was with Blue Hair Girl, but I was hanging out with the guy I was not supposed to hang out with. Mr. I like to shoot at stop signs, like that type of man, like dumbass. And I took my first Zanax. It was a press pill, so who knows, probably fentanyl. But I got addicted instantly.

I, like, 10 minutes after I took it, maybe 20, 30, I don't know, around there. I was also drinking wine. We were like, wine night with the girlies. let's take some fucking press pills too while we're at it. And so she gave me that. She was so fucked up. Blue hair girl, she was so fucked up. I was like, I can't take this anymore.

I can't babysit like this 22, 23 year old girl. I'm not doing it. I was like, give me one of them shit. It's like, I need to be on your level almost. Like, you know, when you're with your drunk-ass friend and you're like, oh shit, maybe I should get on her level. Yeah. Like you almost, like it's just a thought that comes up.

Because it seems easier to like be there than it is to like. To handle it. Yes. To be like the mom. Yeah. So I took that first pill. I was instantly addicted. We were on the beach.

I was just feeling myself. I couldn't. Actually, I wasn't feeling myself. I couldn't feel shit. I was numb as hell. And I thought I was having a great time. I was like taking ass pics on the beach. Like I was really.

out there. I was far gone at that point. I was doing that for about a month and a half. And on my 17th birthday, I went to a rave. That was my way of celebrating.

I had, I was 16. And I think we went a little bit before my birthday. But I was 16 before that. obviously, and I was hanging out with this girl who was 19. So she was a little bit older than me, but still, like, my brother's age, like, kind of a weird dynamic.

Like, she knew a little bit better than me, but we're still doing things. Like, the night we went to the rave, I took two beans of Molly, and I went to the, I walked into the rave, and I went to get a drink, and I got a rum and Coke. Um, slurped that down, got another Roman Coke. And, um, we met this guy and we went to the bathroom together. And he was like, I have Coke and I have a cat. Like, which one do y'all want? I was like, what the fuck?

Like, what the fuck's going on? I tried Coke a few times before that. And I was like, eh, it's not really for me. Like, it doesn't do it. I'm more of a downer girl. Like my, I have bipolar. or two so um i get uh waves of heavy depression like almost like i can't function like i can't wake up and go get coffee and duncan's like in bay ridge it's like one block away um so he pulled out

the two bags and he was like which one do y'all want i was like fuck it i'll take them both i was It was so gone. And for the next hour, it felt like a million years. It felt like next Tuesday. And, oh, by the way, this was on a Tuesday. Like, who the fuck goes to a rave on a Tuesday? I don't know, maybe some people, but should it be 17-year-olds? And I remember looking at that toilet.

I think I was in a K-hole maybe. I don't know. Only time I've ever done ketamine never again. And I was staring at the toilet bowl and I thought I was going through it. Like, you know, in the tunnel where that big thing like appears in some magical movie and you like walk through it and you're like in a different universe, I thought that was happening. Delusional. Delulu. A few days later, I was 17 and I was doing fentanyl every day.

I was snorting it, chewing it, like letting it dissolve in my mouth, whatever, like made it go down faster. And what did that make you feel like? I didn't feel anything. Like just numbness? The thing is, I don't remember most of that time period. Like, there's a whole, there's a whole hell of a lot of months that I don't remember because it's kind of like, a memory loss pill, benzodiazepines, but also fentanyl. Like, I really couldn't tell you where I was half the time when I was taking it.

I was being crazy. Like, I was on perks, fentanyl, Xanax, smoking weed, drinking alcohol. Like, I should have died. I should have, I should be dead right now. I don't know how I'm still alive, but I'm very thankful. there was a night where I was just going crazy in his house, like I was off all those drugs, and he kicked me out, and I was walking on the curb. And that same night, I was in my apartment complex at my mom's.

I was in Tampa, and she told me later that I was telling her I wanted to die, I wanted to kill myself. I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't know how I could be on this earth and stay alive. Like, I was just throwing all the dramatics out there. Apparently, she, like, wrote it down in her little journal. She was like, this is what she was saying, and this is how she reacted. And I don't remember any of it. So that same night, I was in the apartment complex bathroom, and I was smoking a blunt.

Like, some shit I would never do sober. Like, why are you smoking in a closed? bathroom like it was just weird and i called my brother and i remember this part faintly i called him and i was like i don't know what to do like i just took all my xanax like i'm so fucked up um i was still calling them zanax too like for the longest i was like yeah i'm just doing xanax like it's not that bad like bitch you were fucking doing fentanyl like you know damn well those pills were pressed and like how did you how do you know the difference like how do you know the difference like How do you really know that?

You can test it now, but most people aren't testing that shit. Like I feel like more recreational users test their stuff. A lot of people that go to raves and like they go out, they want to test their stuff because they're maybe a little bit more responsible than I was. But you can tell if it's like powdery that it's a press pill. There's a lot of ways you can tell. You can also tell by the difference in the high. Like Xanax, you might be numb, but the little amount that I was taking, at first I was taking quarters.

And it's like a bar. So it has one, two, three, four, like little lines that you can easily break off. And I was taking like a quarter. Then I moved up to a half. Then I was taking a full. But the high was so intense from, different from the Xanax that I was taking. She had like a 90-day script. and she would give me a few every once in a while.

It was very different from that high. Like I'd take a shit ton of them to even get anywhere close to the one that I was getting from the street pills. The high from fentanyl is just, it knocks you out a lot. Like you might be knocked out, but also there were so many instances where I was drinking and doing that, doing those pills,

and I would black out, completely, but not an alcohol blackout. Like, I would go do things and say, like, text people, call people. I probably sounded fucked up, but I would do, like, I took an Uber two hours away to meet some guy one time. Like, he got me an Uber, and he had, like, class the next morning, and he couldn't wake me up. Like, I was just, he thought I was, like, dead. Like, I was just passed out. Like, I wasn't moving.

I, my heart was obviously still beating. And he called my mom, like, on my phone. And mind you, I had no idea who this guy was. Like, he probably just added me on Snapchat or some shit. Like, I, like, looking back in my memories, I was like, who the fuck is? And I took pictures. I just took so many dumb-ass pictures. Like, so I was.

would remember in the morning. And yeah, my mom came to pick me up and she was like, oh shit, I'm mixing stories. I was talking about the night, about in the bathroom. Yeah. Okay. You can go back. Shit. It's okay.

I don't know what to do. Go back to, are you talking about when you were in the bathroom smoking the blunt, that part? And when you called your brother. Yeah, but this was the night before. Okay, that's fine. You can say it. doesn't matter people will follow along okay so the night before you were in the bathroom

you're with this guy infamous apartment bathroom where I smoked the blint so you were in the you were in you're with this guy that you didn't really know he couldn't wake you up so your mom comes to get you yeah he called my mom and she had no idea who the fuck you was I had no idea who that hell he was but I'm guessing he was somewhat young because he was still in high school and he had class that morning and he called my mom to come get me and I was so incoherent she said she had to like carry me and my mom is 5-8 and I'm six foot like she was struggling like I I put her through like work like I made her go do some physical labor and I she brought me home and I was like stumbling I like fell into the gate we had like a doggy

gate from my Murphy and yeah it was just a mess and that I was like the first time my mom had ever seen me that fucked up. And I was hiding it because I was like couch surfing. I was sleeping with random men just so I can have a place to sleep at. Like and I had a home. Like I had, I had nice things. Like my parents gave me pretty much everything I wanted. I just didn't want, I didn't want help.

Yeah. I didn't. I wanted to be this independent person. that I couldn't financially, emotionally be yet, like, at all. So the night I got kicked out of my little sneaky link's house, my mom, that was the night that I was telling my mom of being really dramatic about how I wanted to end my life. And I took, I called my brother in the bathroom, smoking the blunt. And I told him, like, I just took all my Xanax, X, and I was.

And I thought, like, I was telling him how much I loved him, like, kind of like, I'm, this is it, I'm out. And I had never, I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar. I wasn't, I was diagnosed with ADHD and depression. And that's what I took medication for. Come to find out that if you're bipolar and you take depression medication, it drastically fucks with your brain chemistry. You're sending the wrong receptors to the wrong, I don't know, whatever, foo-foo shit,

the doctor told me. But all I know is that if you take fluoxine or prozac, whatever, and you have bipolar, you're kind of being misdiagnosed because bipolar depression is in waves and you need like a mood stabilizer. you don't need depression medication. It actually makes it worse somehow. So I think for the three to four years, I only recently started taking mood stabilizers like about a year ago

and I'm so much healthier. That's good. Yeah, it's really amazing. Like the first time in my life I felt mentally stable and like I can fucking wake up in the morning and I can breathe again. Well, it's hard to that, you know, the whole process with, like, getting diagnosed with something and then finding the medicine that works for you. It's like it's a whole trial and error thing, too. Yeah.

That I know a lot of people go through and it sucks. For years. Yeah. People are, like, my great aunt, she struggled with mental health all her life. And she just a few years ago, like, started getting the proper medication that she made her stable and happy. Yeah. Damn, I can't get past this fucking night. So my mom called the cops.

After I called my brother, I went straight to drug dealer's house. He kicked me out, and I was on the curb, just kind of like slumped, like, high on the phone, on FaceTime with somebody. And my mom had called 911 on me on me. She called my therapist first. My therapist told her, like, you should probably get a wellness check done from the police. Like, just make sure. And they came to my apartment before I left to go have a sneaky link that didn't actually happen. And so they were, like, looking for me.

They were, like, trying to track down where the hell I was for a few hours. And when I was on the curb, I decided to call my mom. So I called her and I was like, can you come pick me up? Like I don't really know where I'm at. I'll send you my location. Like I don't, I didn't have any words. I wasn't like going to talk about anything because I was high as fuck. She picks me up with my stepdad and he, we stopped at a stop sign.

I didn't know where they were taking me, but I asked. them a few, like 20 minutes later when we were in the car. And I was like, where are we going? They were like, we're going to take you to the ER. Like, we just want to like see if you're okay. And I was like, the fucking hospital. Why would y'all take me to the hospital? I'm not dying. Like, there's nothing wrong with me. Y'all are bugging. And I dipped out the car next stop sign. And I bolted as fast as possible. I got like half. I probably looked so goofy high as high as hell just like flailing my arms. My stepdad ran after me and he tackled me to the on someone else's front lawn and all my

all my weed fell out of my purse. I had this big ass jar that I was keeping my weed in and my pills and everything in there. And I put everything back in my purse and I kept running and he grabbed my arm and he was like, come on, let's go. And that was the first time I was like oh fuck like they caught me like I'm I'm fucked like I'm about to have some consequences but I didn't I wasn't ready for what was coming to me I walked into the hospital and I pretty much blacked out until a few hours later we finally got into a room and they were trying to assess me and in florida there's a thing

called baker act so i think they have i don't know what the term is but they have it in a bunch of states there was a doctor and it was still like covid was still popping and poppin was still going on still popular and the doctor was on like telehealth telemedicine on a big ass computer that they brought it and i was looking for a phone charger for hours let me tell you my phone was dead i couldn't talk to anybody it couldn't be like come pick me up like i need to get the fuck out like i had no no way to escape and i was freaking out and i was like do you have a phone charger i was so fucked up i asked the guy on the fucking computer for a phone charger and he was like no i'm sorry and i knew that at that moment he was like this bitch is crazy like he's gonna admit me or something

I took the last few pills I had in my purse. I took my Molly and my fentanyl at the same time. And I was, like, out of my mind. Hair, all messy and not. I remember I went to the bathroom, and I pulled out three tampons because I hadn't been taken care of myself. Like, I didn't even know I was on my fucking period. I was like, how'd those get up there?

Like what? And it's embarrassing, but like that's the shit that goes on. Like I kept myself so well put together on the outside, but I was struggling so much. Like taking care of my, like eating, I lost 30 pounds. And I'm big, like I'm tall. Like I have meat. I have a booty. Like I shouldn't have been that tiny.

And I was looking in the mirror and I was kind of, I was still fucked up. I was like, holy shit, I'm going down. Like, this is the fucking apocalypse or some shit. I was so extra, so dramatic. I couldn't accept it. Like, I wasn't going to accept what was going on. And I was still plotting to get out of there. So I got back to the room after I used the bathroom.

And they took my purse away. They took my phone away, even though it was dead. I was like, you dumbass bitch, it's dead anyway. I was so rude to those ladies, the nurses, and I started fighting with them. Like, we got verbal. And I don't even remember what I said, but I was so out of my mind. I was probably cursing at them, and I started fighting them, like physically. I started throwing hands.

And they had two police officers come in and get me. And I fought them both, like the security, the hospital security. I fought them both. And I was kicking, punching them. They couldn't, like, what's it called, detain me? Like, wait, is that when someone was being arrested? Restrain me. They couldn't restrain me.

So I think they brought in someone else. and they had they had me strapped down with leather straps on my ankles and my wrists and they sedated me they booty juiced me like right in my thigh I was like fuck yeah and they were like sticking needle in my thigh

I was still trying to kick my legs were like how old were you I it was like four days after my 17th birthday birthday. I was like, this is a great present. Thank you, mom and dad. They were struggling, too. My mom was sitting right there. She didn't want to see me. She didn't want to see me struggling like that. Like she did, I'm her baby still and I still have great relationships with my mom and my dad, but she didn't want to see me like getting restrained in a hospital, like,

especially because she didn't even know really what was going on the past. few months she thought it was going to gd classes but i was just out i think she assumed i was smoking weed and drinking a lot but she definitely didn't know about the pills and she knew about psychedelics i think but she really didn't know it was like the severity of it yes the severity yeah so i got baker-acted um put on psychiatric hold for i was in the psych ward for six days and they escorted me in a van. It looked like a prison van almost. I was freaking out in there. That was like the first time it ever been in a place like in an institution. I was never institutionalized. I think it was in the psych ward for six days and I wanted to get the hell

out of there, but I didn't know where I was going. I knew I wasn't going home because they broke that news to me while I was in there. I had a mental breakdown. I was like, I'm not going to rehab. Like, I don't need it. Like, I genuinely thought I was fine and I... So is that where they were taking you in the van to rehab? No, they took me to the psych ward. And in the psych ward, I found out that I was going to rehab. I got driven by, I don't know what you call the escorts. Like, this man and woman, they drove me, they drove me to Georgia. from Florida Bumble fuck Florida

I don't know where I was It's like in the middle of nowhere The fences Holy shit like you're caged in There's no way you're getting out of there And I was a kid like I had no I guess if you get a 50150 to anywhere else Like they just take you in

Like against your will Because I don't know how you can do that to kids But not adults maybe they do But I think they do actually the first time I ever like lost my sense of freedom so when I was in Georgia I caused mayhem I didn't follow the rules I was so against what we were there for I was like sniffing Tylenol in the bathroom like who the fuck snorts Tylenol me I'm insane once again and I started doing things that the other girls in there were doing um started self-harming like all this shit like giving myself stick and pokes and just learning new things learning about new drugs it was like any way to get that like fix yeah and the kids I met I was in a place that was

like 13 to 18 so it was all adolescence and we just we hung out I had like two boyfriends in that bitch, like starting relationships for no reason. Because I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere after that. Oh my God, weird ass story. There was a man from that place. Like two years later, we hung out. He was out my apartment. He would not leave the next day.

He was like, oh, I have no way home. I was like, how the fuck are you going to get here? And then tell me you have no way to get home. Figure it out. You're a grown man. Oh, never, never again. and never with a man that I met in those places. Yeah, I bounced around from there to a sober house.

I went from Georgia to Maine. I don't know why. It was a... And you still weren't sober at this point because you were just like trying other things and... Yeah, I was doing like whatever I could to get a little sense of gratification. And then I went to this sober house

and there was no... In Maine. I didn't know anybody in Maine. I didn't like... have any idea how to get high the best thing i could do was go to a liquor store around and i was eight 17 i was 17 and i couldn't i didn't have a fake id with me my mom threw away three of my fake i don't what kind of 16 17 year old has three fake IDs like of some random people i don't know how i got them that i steal them i have no idea like so one of the places i went to to to

One of the places I went to, we had to wear scrubs. Now, this is like a psychiatric slash rehab slash eating disorder clinic slash whatever the fuck. It was crazy. Yeah, so the pink scrubs, people were like running away. We had about eight hours of therapy a day, different groups, classes. And we had to earn points to gain our. things back. So, like jewelry, body spray, perfume, like my aerosol deodorant, like weird stuff, my clothes. Like the most basic things. Yeah, like I had to earn my clothes back. Like this place wanted to,

it was so dehumanizing. Like they wanted to take everything that was unique about you away. They want no nose piercings. Like that was, we had to wear masks. We had to wear masks. the entire time because it was still COVID was still popping popping COVID was still popping and I used to like put a staple in my nose so I could keep my my hole open and well no no no no uh no 30 thoughts and oh my God I just did some weird shit there too and there were there were all types of people with different disorders and there was this one girl who you can pet her you say hello blueie hi hi girlfriend's hair is so fluffy hi come on you come in come on let me see your hand touch sorry I'm gonna your face thank you I know I noticed yours when you walked

Like, I'm a tattoo apprentice now. Really? Yes. Oh, sick. Yeah. I love, like, oh, I love hand tattoos. I know. They're my favorite.

Oh, sorry. That's something I want to, like, have, be my niche. Yeah. The fine, fine line ones. Yep. You should. It's getting really popular, like a lot of girls, like it on their hands or, like, even on their neck and stuff. Um.

So you did some crazy shit in there. the staple in the nose, hole. Yeah. They used to make a squat and cough all the time. That was also really dehumanizing. Like, they make you do that when you're getting admitted into jail. Like, why? Like, we're really not trying to sneak.

I mean, maybe you could have snuck in drugs, but do we really need to, like, show y'all our ass crack at 13 to 18 years old? And it was random people, like these random workers. Yeah. Like they were literally off the street. Like, I mean, you didn't have to have any qualifications for that specific job. Like the people who were making a squatting cough. After that, I bounced around from my mom's.

I got kicked out because I started smoking weed again. And I moved to my dads. Now, when I went to my dads, flew off the handle because I just got out of these treatments that I was in for six, eight months, like back to back. And I wanted to go back to party life. Like, that's still what I had my heart set on. So how long total were you in and out of the different places, do you think? Like a month or less? Uh, less. I bounced from place to place. Okay. There was rarely any in between there was one time in between where I hung out with my cousin in Maine

I didn't have her contact info so when I got kicked out of the sober house I went to go stay with her and I was like oh shit she was a few years younger than me but she was like I'm going to my friend's house like we're going to drink and get fucked up I was like all right we're out yeah and then I went back to another place so I wasn't sober like for very long each time I I didn't want to be so. You can't force somebody to be sober that doesn't want to be sober. It just don't work. It does not work.

I found a new plug in Brooklyn because all my plugs for drugs were in Florida. So I quickly hit up like some dealers that had weed from when I was previously there. and I was like, who can I buy perks from? Who can I buy Xanax from? Like, let me know. And I did just that. Like, I went back on my druggie shit. And I was hanging out with this one friend from high school.

And she had a best friend, and that best friend had a boyfriend. I started hanging out with them. and I was like, ooh, this could be my new crew. Like, like, they, they could get down. Like, they were doing, they were going at the club, like, doing drugs, like, all the same shit that I was doing. And he drove us around.

He had, like, a BMW. He had another nice car. He had all these nice things, and he, like, showed it off. Like, he was one of those. There was, he was attractive, the boyfriend. And my mom, my mom, I had no like relationship with this this girlfriend at all. So in my mind I was like, I'm a steal her man.

I'm like I can steal her man. I'm that bitch. I was not a good person. I believe I am a good person. I just did bad things and impulsive things and things I'm not proud of. Well, I think too when you go down a path that involves substances like that, you're going to do things that you wouldn't typically do if you were on a different path or if you were thinking clearly.

You know what I mean? 100%. It's not really, like I feel like it's not really you. Yeah. It's like, uh, I don't even know what the fuck my alter ego, I guess. Well, it's who you are on drugs. And I don't think really anybody is a great person when they're on drugs and drinking. Like, I mean, I sometimes, I mean, I have nights when I drink and I'm fine and I'm great

to be around. And then there's nights I drink and I, like, I literally hate myself because I'm like, I don't want. want to be that person. Like I don't want to be that psychopath or that asshole, you know? So it's like even alcohol can make people assholes and horrible people. So it's like it's more like that stuff than it is you. Not to put the blame on anything, but that's what I think it is. Yeah. So did you steal her man? I agree. I stole that vision. Bad decision. So I was hanging out with them for a little bit and I kind of got a little too comfortable with them especially him and there was one night

where I think it was like one o'clock in the morning I was dressed down like in a t-shirt like no makeup done and her the girlfriend's man was calling me telling me to get outside they were outside my house and I was like I'm not coming out like I'm not I don't want to do anything tonight like I'm already in my pajamas like it's good just have fun and he was like no no no no like you should come out like I'm gonna get you some stuff like I'm gonna get you some pills and all I was like all right like I'm about to be out like I gotta go so I didn't have to go um I ultimately went and I told my dad like I'll be back I'm just going out to like meet a friend whatever the fuck I said And he was like, no, what are you doing?

Like, share your location, all this protective stuff as a father would do. And he was like, you can't go out at like 2 o'clock, 1 o'clock in the morning. I was like, yes, the fuck I can. Watch me. It was very defiant. I went outside and I got in the car. And I don't know how he, maybe I gave him my address, like some other time when he came and pick me up, but he knew where I lived, like pretty.

pretty well and I got in the car and immediately I noticed that she was the girlfriend was drunk as fuck like passed out like not able like incoherent not able to speak um and he was like he was like oh like let's just go let's just go to the bar let's just go drink some shit like that like let's go drink. And I was like, she can't drink. Like, clearly, bitch is like, flunked. Like, look dead. And I was, like, holding her hair back.

And she, like, opened the door and she threw up. And I was like, all right, like, she has to go home. Like, let's just take her home. Like, let's go. And I was still feeding for my drugs. I was like, I'm not leaving without my drug. Like, he offered to buy me some pills. he's going to buy me some pills.

And we dropped her off. I walked her to her door. And I didn't really know her last name. Like, I didn't really know anything about her. So I don't know why I was hanging out with her alone without my actual friend being there. We took her home, walked her to the door. And we went, I texted.

this plug that I knew from high school, friend of a friend, another one. And she gave me some Xanax press pills. And I think he bought like six or seven of them, I don't know. And I was already on. I took my last pills that I had, maybe about pill. Maybe I think I had one left. I took it and then I walked out and I was drinking in the back of the car before we were dropping her off. Like she's like dead in the front and I'm back there like getting wasted late.

Like let's get lit. I'm just I just get so mad about like this whole situation because there were so many things that I could have done to prevent it. But after like going through therapy, I know it wasn't my fault. Like I was stuck in the cycle of like I needed drugs to survive at that point and I kept using. The decisions you make are also only based around that. You're not thinking about your well-being or anyone else. Like your thought isn't even yourself. Your thought is just like you said the drugs.

And like I think it's not even about viewing it as an excuse. It's just like that's just what it was. Like it's this, you know what I mean? Like it just is what it is. Yeah. The biggest thing I've had to. Um, except. Yeah.

Acceptance. The biggest thing I've had to do, like the hardest thing I've had to do is just accept that it literally is what it is. It's not going to change. How old are you? You're 19? 19. Like, I mean, I haven't heard the end of your, of where, you know, up until where you are now. But like, you're still so young.

I know what I mean? So it's like. I feel like a fucking grandma, though. But like you are so young. And you have so much life ahead of you. and I feel like the fact that like you already had, you're fine. The fact that you already had like all of this happened. I'm sorry, you were saying.

You're fine. Go ahead, Ma. Let's hear it. I'm so ready. I was just going to say that you, you know, the fact that you already have had all of this experience at such a young age, like it only sets you up for so much more time of like positivity and learning from it. And like, I feel like it's so easy for people to say like, oh, you learn from your

past and your mistakes and what you've done. all that shit's very real. Like what you went through, the decisions you made, good or bad, like you made them. Like, and it sucks. And you might look back and be like, oh, I could have done this, but you didn't. So now all you can do is learn from it and move forward. But like, I don't know, like when you're, I just look at it as if you're in a bad

situation and you're going down a dark path, you're going to do dark things. It really is that simple. Like if you're like, you are what you surround yourself with. If you're in a good place, it's going to be a less likely chance. You make shitty decisions or shitty things happen. But like, you can't, I don't know. Like, I just, you can't beat yourself up about it. No, I can't.

Just don't do it again. Or then I'll have to beat you up. I wouldn't mind. You're so pretty. I'll beat you with the broom up there. I don't know. We got the goods, got the goods. And I took them all.

that night. I just kept eating. Because when you're on drugs, sometimes you forget that you even took the dose that you took and you're so fucked up. You're like, oh, let me take another one. You're not taking it responsibly. No, no, not at all.

Like, and even if you have a prescription, sometimes that's what people do. Yeah, they just keep eating them. Yeah. We were on our way back to his apartment. He was like, we're just going to stop there, like maybe get something to drink. like I needed to pee like I don't know why I went back to his apartment but I did and um I kind of

liked him like I I didn't trust him like that but I knew that he was someone I wanted to get with so I was like fuck it like just go back to his apartment whatever and right before we walked in I was walking up the steps and he said he had a friend over and I knew his brother So I like right before we walked in I was like yo don't let some bad shit happen to me And we walked in the door and I saw

Three people sitting on the couch I was like what the five Like three men sitting on the couch And immediately I was like what the hell I was still seven I was still 17 And And they were all older.

They looked like mid-20s, early mid-20s. And we were drinking. They had Hennessy. And the boyfriend, the man, he knew, the main man, he knew that he just bought me the drugs. He knew what type of shit I was on. He knew I probably shouldn't have been drinking that much. Or he just wanted me to drink that much. I think that's exactly what he, a lot of men do.

They get you fucked up and they think they have a better chance of getting with you. Like even if you're like friends with them, like a lot of guys that say they're your friend, like we'll just hang out with you and especially being a minor. Like I still can't, I mean, I get alcohol by myself, but I have my ways. But a lot of people can't just get their own alcohol at a young age unless you have a fake idea or whatever. So there's a power dynamic when someone else is getting something for you that you literally can't get. So, yeah, I don't trust men. Don't trust men. Period. End of story. So we were playing like truth or dare. And this whole night is such a blur. I didn't really start piecing things together until in 10.

intensive therapy, like going through it and breaking down, like, uh, the, breaking down what actually happened. I didn't know what it was called. Um, I thought I did something wrong. So we're playing truth or dare. And one of the dares was like, drink this cup full of Hennessy. I was like, I don't even like Hennessy. Like, I can't do with this. They're like, anything is possible. Like, shut the fuck up. And one of the guys, like, grabbed my neck, like, choked me and poured it down my throat. That was the first red flag. I was like, what the fuck is going on? Like, that's not normal. But I just drank a whole glass full of Hennessy. I was fucked up. Like, red flags were just going. And,

through my head. Like I wasn't, I was looking back. That was red flag. At the time, it was just, fuck it. Yeah. We're drinking. I didn't know what was going on. Yeah, I thought I was in control.

I was like, I'm the woman here. Like, all these men want me. Like, I felt like a bad bitch. And that was quickly taken away from me. I remember I was laying on the floor with a pillow under my chest. And I remember the main man was going to the bathroom and he told his friend to come with him. And he was like talking to him. I was like, this is suss.

Even as fucked up as I was, I was like, this is suss. And they came back and they were. and they put something on the TV. And next thing I remember is this heavy man. He was maybe 6'1 taller than me. And bigger than me physically, his arms, Julie, his arms were fucking massive. And his calves looked like, I don't even know. I remember him putting, it was very quick to like this all like,

And I 100% believe that it was premeditated, is that the word? Plan. Like double checking. Yeah. Like you're my fucking dictionary. Hurry divorce. Tell me if that makes sense. So the next thing I remember is he has, I'm on my stomach with the pillow in my chest,

and he has his leg on top of my neck to where I couldn't, I couldn't really speak. It was on my neck and my head. That's what I'm saying. It was so fucking big. Like massive calves, this man. And he puts his leg on my head. And I remember men coming up behind me. They took off my pants.

They took off my underwear. And I was squirming. I was like, what the fuck? Like, I don't want this to happen. hey baby she knows she does it was fun until it wasn't yeah they were raping me they were raping me all three of them all three of them and it's disgusting to think about because in a guy's world that's like fucking running a train on some bitch and that's something to be proud of and in their heads i 100% believe that they were proud of what they did they knew what they were doing they took my underwear they threw them away they took my pants they

took my shirt he dressed me in his sweatpants he threw me in the shower um he washed my body off he like put soap on me he made sure i was clean of any potential evidence that could get him in trouble and he took me into his room this is one of the last things I remember he took me into his room and he put the sweat also like when I was taking the shower like the three men were in the bathroom with me and it was this tiny bathroom like I just felt trapped I was like there's no getting out of this there's like what the fuck am I going to be here forever like is this the end like I did a lot shit was running through my mind. He, um, brought me to his room and he took out a gun from his top drawer and he shoved it down my throat and he said, if you tell my girlfriend or anyone about this, I will

fucking kill you. Like, I will find you and I will kill you. And that was the first time my life was ever threatened so blatantly. Um, um, I fell asleep and I woke up at about 6 o'clock in the morning in his bed with him on top of me, with him inside of me, like still like what the fuck's going on? And I kind of just accepted it. I woke up because he was choking me. Like he was choking me and he was biting on my neck, like trying to give me hickeys. and it wasn't just like a sensual thing.

Like he wasn't like loving on my neck. He was biting like bite marks. It was just an aggressive assault to begin with. And a few hours, I fell back to sleep. I was probably still fucked up. I woke up in the morning after that. probably about like 8 a.m. And I grabbed my stuff and I walked to the hallway.

He was not in the room. So I grabbed my stuff. I walked to the hallway and I seen the guy and his three friends. And they were just sitting on the couch eating fucking Popeyes, like normal, casual as fuck. And I walked out. and I went home copped from my plug and I got high

and I forgot about it until a few days later when my dad got a call from the girlfriend saying your daughter is on drugs she's sleeping with my boyfriend all this shit I don't know I think I might have told my friend

that I slept over his house and she told her best friend, obviously, as any best friend would. But it got misconstrued as consensual sex. Even though I thought I was going to hook up with him anyway, I had no idea that it was going to be like that. It wasn't consensual at that point. I think she was like, where were you at all night? I was like, oh, I was at his house.

I was just like, what the fuck. I didn't give two thoughts about it about like the consequences yet again. I had no sense of consequences for my actions. Like I just didn't get a fuck. Yeah, so my dad got that phone call and he told me my grandma was sick and we had to go to Long Island. And so I willingly went. I was like, okay, let's go.

Let's go check on her. I took something before I left, and I woke up. I remember, like, being in a hotel with him, and I was like, why aren't we at the hospital? He was like, oh, we're just going to wait until tomorrow is too late. So I woke up the next morning, and I look over at my dad. He's, like, on his computer, like, so calm. I was like, if grandma's in the hospital, why the fuck is he so calm?

That's his mom. and he goes, I was like, are we going to the hospital? He goes, you know what a ruse is? I was like, you're fucking kidding me. Are you seriously? Did you trick me into coming here? And he was like, well, not trick, but. And then I fought him on going to another facility.

I was like, I'm not going back to one of these places. Like, y'all kept me in there for like three months, and I thought that was the worst. And I met some people in there. Like I met a 14-year-old girl who had been in and out. She was a foster child, and she was just in and out of these psych wards and places like this because she just didn't really have anywhere else to go. They kept balancing her around from place to place. I looked at an Uber to try to go back to Brooklyn, and the price was like $200.

I was like, all right, I don't have that money right now. So I'm fucked. I'm stuck here in Long Island. Like, who the hell? And, yeah, I went to the place willingly because I was like, there's nothing else to do. I'll just give them all the right answers. I had already been, I heard all the shit that I needed to hear and that I wanted to hear. and like all the DBT, CBT, all these different types of therapy that I was getting,

uh, I took in and I was going to use that as my excuse say, I'm not an addict. Like, I don't need to go to this shit. Like, I'm good. Y'all could just send me home. And they had a system there. You had to go through phase one, phase two, phase three, all this shit. and you had to do a lot of work for it. We would clean the whole place, sweep, mop, clean toilets.

We were doing the shit. Like, they put us to work. Like, we all had jobs in the place. And I remember I was there for seven months. I did seven months of cleaning. Wow, it's a long time. In the same place this time? Yeah, in this time.

building. It was such a tiny building. We went and it was very military like like we had to stand in lines for the bathroom and they'd be like they had this little code. It was like left or right and you say I need a left which is the stall and then if you say you need a right it's the sink. You just want to go wash your hands or whatever. So we'd have to stand in a line wait for every individual two people. There was probably like 40 of us. So if you needed to pee, you had to wait till the bathroom break and you had to wait your turn in line. There was no just like free for all people are just walking around. Like no, everyone was in the same place at the same time. So when you were at this facility, did you get sober? Like did you have any access to anything or

you weren't? It was completely sober for seven months. I did the shit. I played by their roles. I was like there is, at some point I was like, there's no way getting out of this shit unless I get through it. Like I need to, some people were in there for 14 months, 18 months, nine months. Like I was hearing all this shit when I first got there. I was like, that's not going to be me. I'm going to breeze through this. And I tried to. I did it as fast as possible and as fast as I could.

It was seven months. Like that's how long they wanted you to. be there in their program. Did you, when you got sober when you were in there, did you start kind of feeling better and like having a clearer head and everything like that? Or did you still have that like one for drugs and partying? I still had an itch. Okay.

I still, but I was going back and forth between like what do I actually want. I had no, I started drawing in there, which ultimately was helpful because it helped me get this apprenticeship. and I had so much free time on my hands, but I was staying sober, and I was like, maybe I could do this, but I still had an itch to get aside from my, like, to get high.

I graduated high school there. They had a credit recovery program, so that was amazing. I didn't think I was going to graduate, I literally thought it was going to be a dropout. And I turned 18 in there. I finally graduated and I went to go live with my grandpa for a little bit. It was slow, but I was getting high almost immediately after I got out.

I had a little boo thing And he was This is like the year We were supposed to go to college And he He was getting ready to go Yeah he was going to parties and shit And I was jealous I was like

I'm at home trying to be sober This shit sucks So one night I just decided I met him at a party He told me where he was going And I was like Surprise motherfucker I'm here. He was like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm trying to get drunk and he was so against

it. He was like, he's a good man, but I didn't want that at the time I didn't want a good man. I wanted someone to treat me like shit. Like my whole perception of what I deserved was so skewed. Like I really thought that I deserved a man that would treat me like shit. The first week I was there actually I went to I told my therapist about what happened and she was like when did this happen I was like three days ago

she was like do you want to report it like where did this happen? I was like Brooklyn she was like do you want to tell your dad I was like no she was like well you kind of need to if you're going to report it I feel like I almost got pressured into reporting it like it was the right thing to do like I should have done that like I was I was again like playing into their game like also I wanted to get the hell out of there and that would be a good

excuse like to go back to Brooklyn like I could just run free like so I went I went to Brooklyn SVU and first of all I had two males like interviewing me and at first I was like I was like, oh, it's fine. Like, I have a good relationship with my dad. Like, I could talk to men easily, but at that time, that was not beneficial for me. I don't think there were like trauma-informed. I don't think they really had any training with, I mean, you have to, as an SVU detective, like, what are you doing if you don't know how to talk to a victim or someone who's coming in to make a statement? they questioned me for hours. It was like 14 hours that I was in this tiny room, and they showed me pictures of the men.

They printed them out. They had like previous arrest records, and they made me do a recorded voice call. So I called the man, and he had been texting me after I left his apartment. Do you want to come work? Like, I'm trying to make some money with you, and I didn't know what the hell he was. he was talking about. It just went right through my head. And they were like, he's trying to pimp you out. Like the detectives told me that. I was like, oh shit, maybe I should do it. I was like, this would be my out. We did the recorded call and he basically just admitted that that's what

he was trying to do. Like, he was trying to, he, I asked him about that night. He was like, what are you talking about? We were just having fun. Like, like you're part of our shit now. Like this is what we do. And I was like, what the fuck? But I had to talk back to him and they were writing down shit that I should say or questions that I should ask. They were like, you're doing so good.

You're doing so. I was like, I'm literally talking to my fucking rapist, you assholes. Like, I don't want to be doing this shit. Especially a week after it happened. I didn't have any time to process. I was still like, I just checked into a new facility. I was meeting different people. Like, I didn't know what the hell was going on.

My mind was just scrambled. And I kept going back probably about three times. And ultimately, they were not convinced. The DA's office was not convinced that they had a strong enough case. They didn't have enough evidence. I didn't get a rape kit. I really didn't think there was any point. and getting a rape kit after they threw me in the shower and took my underwear and there was

nothing there and my story was inconsistent. I couldn't remember a lot of shit that was going on. I just had a lot of gaps in my story. They told me that I was like, I was so confused. I was like, we just got him trying to sell me like to his friends on voice, on audio. Like, what more do you need to show that he's. a dirty person. Like this is the kind of work that he's doing.

Like you literally have that information. And they said I, um, they made it very clear to me that they did not believe me. These two detectives at Brooklyn SVU made it very, I was like, where the fuck is Mariska Hargitay? Like I was so pissed when it wasn't like law and order SVU. Mm-hmm. I was like, what the hell is this?

Like, I thought it was my fault. Like I left there feeling depleted. Like all the air was taken out of me. And yeah, I continued to believe that it was my fault. And nothing came out of that. They said maybe they could get him on the gun charge. I was like, all right, whatever.

So nothing happened with the case, basically. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. And they, the worst part, they made me sign, they made me write a note to the DA's office basically saying that it was consensual the whole thing because they didn't have enough evidence. So they wanted to make it a false statement or like just erase the whole thing and not have it sitting in a file somewhere just so they could close it. Yeah.

Lazy-ass motherfuckers. I finished the seven-month program. And I was getting high. I was dating that guy. We broke up. I cheated on him. I was not faithful. I wasn't capable of being in a relationship at that time.

I think a lot of the times I got into relationships with men was for protection. And especially in those kinds of environments. And later on when I was going to like adult facilities, I really needed that protection because there were men who were trying to take advantage of me. I had men offer me money to leave with them to like three different states. I had a few people who were looking out for me in those places like a mama bear, this lady Holly, she was amazing. She, like, really looked after me, and she told him to fuck off. She was, like, you're not leaving, like, with some random man. Like, you don't have any of your clothes.

Like, it didn't make sense. And she told the staff, and it was somewhat taken care of. I went back to Brooklyn after I got out of the program. and I was trying to find a job, but I didn't want to work. So I was like, what job can I work at but not actually work? Like I could just be fucked up and sit behind the counter. I was like immediately smoke shop. Like, hell yeah.

So I went to a local smoke shop in Bay Ridge. And I called first. So I was like, are y'all hiring? He was like, yeah, sure, come in. And I came in and I talked to the guy. He was pretty young, maybe like late 20s, early 30s. And he was like, yeah, you're hired. Like, come in tomorrow, I'll train you.

I was like, oh, shit, that was easy. Meanwhile, I was dressed in, like, fucking cargo pants and a tiny ass top. Like, I was sledding myself out. I was trying to, like, get the job. Like, this is what is. smoke shops look for like someone look pretty behind the counter a lot of smoke shops um do a lot of stores do that like just for the like for the look of it yeah i mean i think it'll sell the product there's a lot of the men going into that smoke shop we're like old men and you know what they want

to see they want to see some acid tities like right in front of their face like makes them buy something real quick And he trained me. I started working for him. My best friend, she was going to work there with me. And she was like, I don't know. It just doesn't like he, like, there's something off about him. Like, I don't really, she didn't really like him.

And he was, like, interested in her, like, really wanted to pursue her. And a week in, I want to say, I, was super high and it was end of my shift he came in to like close it up and stuff and he was the owner of the shop the boss and I was the only other person working there so a lot of times it was just me and him like fucking around and he was so chill at first like he didn't give a fuck about anything like I was just and we're selling weed my job was literally making pre-rolls like twisting them up and packing them and scaling weed

and putting it in little baggies. Like I was a drug dealer behind the fucking smoke shop. Like he started probably a week into it. He started buying me alcohol and he started offering to like take me

out. Like let's go out. Like I'll pay for everything. Like I'll drive you there. I think it was Halloween as I was like in this costume. We went to a strip club. I went to a strip club with my boss. And I was on Percocet because he had some.

He put some in a water bottle. And I was once again really fucked up. Didn't know where I was. Didn't know what the fuck was going on. And I got home at like 6 o'clock in the morning. And my dad was like, what the fuck were you doing? I was like business trip. Like what the fuck?

And a few days after that, I was like, Bessie, you gotta get over here. Like, you gotta come hang out with us. They pay for everything. Like, it's so awesome. She was like, all right, I'll come out one time. And she came to the smoke shop. We closed up shop. And we got in the car.

They had nice cars. like Porsche fucking escalade like Tahoe random shit and um he was also my boss so I was like if I say no like is he going to be mad like I don't know and we went out we got in a car and the guy I got in the passenger seat, my friend got in the back with the owner and in the driver's seat was like this weird. They made it very clear how they treated women. They didn't respect them. They didn't know, no moral compass when it came to women. Like it all flew out the window. That night, we were driving around and I was on pills still and I was drinking again. I was incoherent and we stopped somewhere like outside of a club and I just like couldn't really walk.

So my friend was like, come like I'm taking an Uber home. She was like done with this shit. She, the owner in the back seat was like trying to get with her and she was like, get the fuck off me. And I was in the front like screaming, dancing out my seat, shaking ass like out the window of the car. like crazy. I turned into a demon. And she was not having it. So as soon as we got out of the car,

she's like, I'm not even going inside. Like, there's, I'm going home. And she was like, get in the Uber. And I refused to go with her. I was like, no, I'm staying. I'm having fun. And the guys we were with were like, leave her alone, like, let her stay. She's just having fun.

she ended up leaving and I know she feels really guilty about this but I told her like it was my decision to stay like you couldn't force me to get into a car and come home like that I was just going to do what I was going to do like it none of the blame is on you but after we stopped we got back in the car for some reason they needed something. Next thing I remember, I was linked up with my arm to this man. I didn't know his name. He was just the one driving the car. And we were walking through a big lobby. It was a hotel, like a nice one. But I remember waking up in the hotel and he was in the bathroom and I kind of like I had a corset on and a dress underneath and it was all twisted

and my dress was like up above the corset on top and my fish nets like the middle was ripped open and I was sore as fucked I was like oh fuck I don't even remember leaving the hotel I just got out somehow got home somehow um But I went back to the smoke shop the next day for work. And I was high. And I saw the driver come in. And he was like, what's up, cousin of the boss? And I just, like, fucking froze.

I freaked out. I had a panic attack. I couldn't fucking breathe. I couldn't move. And that was the last time I ever went back to the shop. I have one of the five stages of sex trafficking. luring, grooming, and gaming, coercion, manipulation, exploitation, and recruitment. And this man was doing all those fucking things.

And I know he's done it with previous girls who worked at a smoke shop because there was a girl who came in and she was buying something and he was like, she used to work for me she's a fucking bitch like i don't even know why she came back here like she was just stupid like she didn't want to hang out after work and i was like oh okay so you do this with other girls like you hired other girls and he knew exactly what he was doing like praying on younger females and there were a lot of young girls that came in the shop and he would just have him sit on his lap like behind the desk like give him free vapes free weed, like whatever the fuck they wanted, just to get some attention. Like, he was an ugly man.

Like, he was unattractive and unpleasant as a man. Like, I wouldn't fucking let him touch me with a 10-foot pole. I, after that, I freaked out, and I was scared for my life once again. And I made the decision to go to Florida. I dyed my hair about three times. I was like, I'm going to be a completely different person. And no one's going to recognize me. I'm going to change and be whatever the fuck.

I was back in and out of treatment. And I started getting into, I was in adult treatments now. So I was getting into relationships with these 30-year-old men that had no good intentions. I almost left a treatment with this man that I really thought I had a connection with. I was like, the love of my life, like, it's going to be amazing. But when you're in places like that, almost like jail, you find a distraction. A lot of people find love, what they think is love, and they cling on to it because it's more entertaining than whatever is going on. And it gives you some sense of comfort.

Comfort, yeah. bounced around to a few treatments and I ended up at one and I was drunk going in and the girls were obviously sober trying to stay sober adults women and they were sitting on the porch as soon as I walked in, I was obviously drunk and I don't even know how I got past, like, the people who brought me there, who worked for the facility. I was just silent, I guess. And I got upstairs to my room, and the window was right above the front porch, and it was open so I could, like, hear what they were talking about. And I was unpacking my stuff and I heard that bitch is fucked up. And I said, hold up because I was drunk and I act impulsively when I'm fucked up and I do things that I

wouldn't normally do sober. And I put on my cargo pants. I like hiked them up. I put my hair in a bun and I marched my ass downstairs and I opened the door. I was like, which one of y'all is talking shit? like I'd really like to know. And this short girl got up and she was like, me. We just were going back and forth for a little bit. And I remember I slapped her and then punched her. And we just got into a physical fight.

And it was bad. Like my hair extensions were flown, flew, flown. I don't know. The place called the coffee. And they were like, you can either go back to detox or you can go to jail. And I started cursing at them. I was like, I was on the phone with like, I called like 15 different people. I was like, yo, I'm going to jail.

Like, yo, I'm going to, like, fucked up. They were like, what are you talking about? What did you do? I just hung up. I was like, just letting y'all know. Like, my mom, my dad and my best friend. I just called them, said that very quickly. and didn't give them any indication of what the fuck I did.

Or that I had the option to go back to detox or get arrested. Like who? I just didn't want to be sober. I was like, there's no way in hell. Like, I'd rather go to jail for one night than be back in detox where they're going to tell me what to do, tell me when to eat. Like, I was so sick of people telling me what the fuck to do. I hated authority to begin with, but I couldn't stand the fact that I had to listen to these people and I couldn't leave.

Like a lot of times in high school, a teacher would say something to me that I didn't like. I would storm out, walk out of the building or walk out of the classroom. I was very non-confrontational. I would just run away a lot of the time. I'd say now I'm more confrontational. I hold my tongue sometimes. I stand up for myself more. So I got arrested.

I actually met a friend in jail. Like, we were in the drunk tank, and there was this girl across from me, and she was pretty, and she looked pretty young, and I was like, why are you here? She was like, they thought I was drinking and driving, but I'm not fucked up. I'm not fucked up. I was like, okay. I was like, me too, me too, me too. I'm not fucked up either.

And we got out and we went to brunch the next morning. I was so strange, but it just happened. Yeah, after I got arrested, I bounced around a little bit more from place to place, but I wasn't getting kicked out of them. How long ago was that? This was five months ago. Okay. When I finally decided I called my dad.

I've been doing good in these programs. One of them was harm reduction, and that's where you come in and you basically you can smoke weed, but you can't drink and you can't do psychedelics and you can't do illicit drugs like that, but you can smoke weed in rehab. It's the weirdest thing. that's what got me stable.

I was like, I can't be in a place like this unless I have something. I was just smoking weed all day, working my job. And I had a car, like, things were going well. And I called my dad. I was like, I think I'm ready to come home. Like, I'm done with this stuff. Like, I'm tired of being taken advantage of by these random men. Like, I was in some of these places.

places, one of the houses I was in was all men. And I had a female roommate who was always gone at work. So I was, and I was unable to work for the time that I was there. I was like homebound. I, house arrest, basically. And I was just surrounded by men. A whole house full of strange drug addicted men. I was tired of being put in those situations. I came home. I, um, I was like, I need, I need some, I need a career. I need to figure that out because I was tired of like waitressing and doing these small little jobs, like not getting enough money. Like I want, I want a luxurious life.

Like I want to be, I want to be stable. And in general, I think too, like, you need to feel fulfilled. Yeah. And I think like finding something you're passionate about is one of those things, you know, Like if you don't know yourself and you don't know what you love to do and what you want to do, you're going to seek other things. You know, so I think it's about finding the positive things that kind of fulfill you and make you feel like I'm doing something good and it's positive and it makes me feel good, you know? Yeah.

I always knew singing was my thing. I love to sing and I love to perform. But I was like, that's not realistic for me. I don't see myself making very much money off that. I do it on the side now. I do open mics and I have fun. And I enjoy it. Yeah, it's a hobby.

And I turn my other hobby drawing into a career. In a few months I'll be a fully certified tattoo artist. Yeah, that's amazing. My goal is to open up a tattoo shop and be a millionaire. You'll get there. stay on your right path and keep your I would just say like because it's everything's still so fresh for you and like I said you are still so young but that's a positive thing like I feel like the fact that you have so much life ahead is like you have so much time to make like to hit all those

goals and to do even more than that and you don't even think you even realize that yet but you will like I feel like you're still just in the beginning of your journey like you had all this stuff happen but like I always say like I literally always say this good or bad even the worst things you can always turn them into like a learning experience something positive and like you can end up having the best life out of the worst things that happened to you yeah and going back to what we were talking about earlier like it just is what it is like it's not going to change and it's a part of your history your past but that doesn't define who you are at any point in your life like what you did even yesterday doesn't have to be who you are today.

Like you, and you have full control of that, in my opinion. I don't care what anybody else says. So that's my opinion. No, my opinion. Good, you should. Oh my God.

So you've been sober now for five months besides weed. Yeah, I smoke weed. I drink a little bit. I'm not. It's just more controlled now. Yeah, and it's so strange because I've been, I've had this thought drilled into my head that it's either you're addicted to the heaviest drugs you've ever done or you're completely sober.

And I was like, that's just not going to be like I'm fucking 19. Like I don't want to be. Like you want that balance. Yeah, I wanted that balance for so long. I just couldn't do it. But I'm in a place right now where my head. is good. I'm mentally stable. I have a rule where I don't drink or smoke weed when I'm sad. I only do it when I'm happy or feeling like stable. Like whenever I'm sad, I don't. I try to process my

emotions because that's the only way to do it. And if I get high instead of processing them, then I'm just back at square one. Yeah. And I was going to say too, I think that taking all those drugs and drinking a bunch of alcohol, a lot of times that can be like a mask. And I feel like now is your time to find who you are and what you really like and what you enjoy outside of those things. And I think that throughout that process, as I'm sure you've seen, unfortunately, you do have to face your demons and you do have to go to therapy and like sort through the negatives that happen because I feel like that's what's going to like make you stronger and get you to

a better place. But I don't know. I feel like now is your time to figure out who you are today and what you love doing and what brings you happiness in a sober state. Yeah. Yeah. Because I can. Because everybody deserves to have something that they like really, really love and enjoy that

isn't toxic. You know what I mean? Like everybody has their flaws. Everybody in their lifetime does something bad, something negative, something toxic. But like we all deserve to experience like the joys of life. just something that just makes us happy. Like, fuck everything else. Everyone else, everything else,

just something that brings us happiness. You know? And I've seen so much in my life already that I kind of, I don't want to see any more shit like that. Like I know what I'm getting myself into when I see something that reminds me of a dark path that I went down. So I'm very,

very cautious of who I surround myself with and who I trust because I've given a lot of trust to a lot of people that shouldn't have screwed me over. Yeah. And a lot of men, like my view on men right now is just be cautious because, I mean, men as I was having this conversation with a friend the other day. Men as a whole are not terrible people and shouldn't be looked down on because other men's actions. Like not all men are bad. Just like not all women are bad, but some women do bad shit.

Like it's just everyone's different. Be aware. Yeah. Be aware. You did great. Good job. Seriously. Let's go.

And thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story. I appreciate it.