We're All Insane - Addicted to Gas Station Heroin

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, my name is Jasmine and I was addicted to cratom extracts, also known as gas station heroin. I'll kind of get into what Kratum extracts are in a little bit, but I live in Austin, Texas, and I'll be 30 years old exactly a week from today, which gives a little bit more context into the timeline of my story, too. I'm here to spread awareness about an addiction that is not really talked about a lot,

Starting point is 00:00:43 and a lot of people are not familiar with, which is Kratum addiction. And I'll get in, like I said, to what Kratum extracts are, but let's talk about what my substance use history kind of looks like in the past and what led up to that exactly. So I started drinking alcohol at a pretty young age, like 15 or 16, had a very typical high school experience going to parties. I'm in college to like mostly going to parties, going to bars and was a really heavy binge drinker. So I wasn't drinking every single day.

Starting point is 00:01:12 I wouldn't have considered myself an alcoholic necessarily, but did not know how to moderate at all, did not know how to keep track of my drinking or anything like that. And that was something I struggled with. and I also struggled with smoking weed daily. So that was pretty much my senior year of college. I joke around like, I don't know how I passed and graduated college because I was smoking pretty much every day, my senior year.

Starting point is 00:01:36 And I was dating someone at the time that smoked a lot and we were just not good influences on each other. And that played a lot into it as well. But I stopped smoking weed after I graduated college for the most part, at least every single day, but was still drinking pretty heavily. And after I graduated college, which I went to Auburn University. I ended up moving to Austin, Texas.

Starting point is 00:01:57 I'm from Daphne, Alabama, originally, and went to college in Auburn and then moved to Austin, Texas after I graduated college, and that was like four years post-graduation. So that was summer of 2021 that I moved to Austin from Auburn, Alabama. And I basically did that because I wanted, like, a change of pace. My work was taking me there, and I wanted to be in a city that was, like, more of a similar demographic. So I was like nearing my mid-20s and Auburn was very college heavy and I wanted something a little bit different. So I moved to Austin and I like I said, I still live in Austin now,

Starting point is 00:02:33 but I immediately loved it. But similar to college, like very much fell into the drinking culture. And especially being in a new city, I wanted to make new friends. I knew one person that lived there. So I wanted to meet new girlfriends and I used Bumble BFF a lot to meet those girls. And And the thing was that we bonded primarily over drinking, though, it was like, you want to grab a drink here? And I feel like that's still super common, which is fine. But again, as someone who did not know how to moderate her drinking at times, that became problematic pretty quickly. And I realized that I was really bonding with these girls over, like, drugs, alcohol, partying a lot. So that became like pretty, just wore on me a lot and became like very tedious and was a lot on my like mind and my soul.

Starting point is 00:03:16 and at the time too, I started going back to church more so. I grew up Christian, but started to kind of like walk away from my faith a little bit in my mid-20s and then started to come back to it after I moved to Austin because I figured it was just a fresh start. I tried different churches in Auburn, but I felt like I didn't resonate with them as much. And I wanted like a little bit more diversity. And I thought like Austin would be a great place for that and finding new churches. And I did find a church that I really liked. And I started going back to that, especially post-COVID and more,

Starting point is 00:03:46 where people were going back to church and started like walking back into my faith and spending more time with the Lord and what that looked like. And that was really, really like benefiting me. But as I started walking like back into my faith, I started to feel really convicted about my drinking. And I was like, I feel like this is such a barrier between me and the Lord. And I don't want that to be the case. I realized for the first time of my life that I had never had like a true, a deep, intimate

Starting point is 00:04:12 relationship with Jesus. And I was like, I really want to have that. And I feel like this is something. that is keeping me from that because I'm using substances to cope with everything. And I don't want that to be the case anymore. So on June 17th of 2022, so summer of 2022, I decided to give up alcohol and smoking weed completely just cold turkey. Yeah, completely cold turkey. And it was actually a really easy decision. I just felt so convicted by my faith to stop. And I was drinking and didn't like the person that I was. I didn't like the decisions I was making.

Starting point is 00:04:44 And I remember the last night I ever went out drinking. It was with some of my coworkers at the time. And I just felt really terrible the whole time. Like it was another night of binge drinking and just not making good decisions, waking up, feeling just like a lot of shame and just wanting to. I knew there was like a different version of myself that I could be. Yeah, the anxiety was real. And I'm like, I'm getting older too.

Starting point is 00:05:04 And this is just not not serving me the way that it used to. I have a quick question for you. Yes. When you stopped the drinking and the smoking, did you have to, eliminate some of the friends that were in your life as well? Yeah, that's a great question. I did, and that was really hard. I feel like a lot of friendship breakups came from that. So specifically, there was a group of girls that I had met from Bumble BFF that I'd gotten really close to. And we had gone through a lot of hard things together to, like, one of the girls' husbands passed

Starting point is 00:05:32 away. And it was like a really, like, deep traumatic thing. But I realized at the time that, you know, we were still really bonding over like drugs, alcohol. And it just was such a tug on my heart and I tried to navigate that as delicately as possible, especially with something like so traumatic happening very recently in the group. And everyone was really kind about it. And they understood and they understood that the alcohol and the drugs they were like really wearing on me. So cut those friendships off. I also ended up stepping away from the friendship, the girl that I knew in Austin that I'd like basically moved there with ended up stepping away from that friendship as well, which no hard feelings. Everything was still good there. But it was just very much.

Starting point is 00:06:13 alignment. Yeah, not anymore, not anymore. And that's okay. And I tell people it's okay to have friendship breakups because like we grow up and we change and that's just a part of life. So when I got sober, this was also a part of the like big sober movement, which I feel has become very popular. And like social media just in life, like people are realizing the negative impacts of alcohol and more alcohol alternatives were coming onto the market. So like non-alcoholic beers, non-alcoholic wines, like different type of mood booster, energy drinks type things. And I was really into this. Like I was so into making different mocktails.

Starting point is 00:06:48 Like every time I had people over, I was like, I want to make us like a specialty mocktail. And I wasn't, I look back and I don't think I was as like comfortable in my sobriety as I thought I was because there was still something in me that was like looking for that thing to fill the void that alcohol was, which I now knows my relationship with the Lord, but like I was still trying to fill it with other things too. So during this like sober movement, I was like, a really big fan of the skinny confidential podcast. I don't know if you've heard of them before,

Starting point is 00:07:15 but basically it's like an extremely like health and wellness focused podcast with like more of like a high end like wellness audience base. And the two hosts of the podcast were taking a hiatus from alcohol and they started doing ads for a specific product called, or I'm going to rewind. The two hosts of the podcast were taking a hiatus from alcohol and they started marketing and doing ads for like different alcohol alternatives. And one product in particular was targeted towards sober people or just people that wanted to like take a break from alcohol were sober curious. That was like a really popular term. Then I think too was with sober curiosity. And this product was a small two ounce blue bottle called Feel Free by the company Botanic Tonics. And it looked really similar to

Starting point is 00:08:02 a five hour energy. So looked like a like a little wellness shot. The branding was like really high in. And so think like high-end wellness shot, like social tonic type of thing, things that I've taken lots of times in the past. Like I'm really big on like matcha and adaptogens and like all the health focus things. This shot was supposed to be like a mood booster, mood enhancer, energy booster that helped you be more social and feel relaxed. And I was so excited about this because the hosts were like really raving about it. And I had bought multiple products from them that were wonderful.

Starting point is 00:08:36 I still have like the skinny confidential ice roller. And for the record, like I don't blame the podcast host or anybody that like promoted this product because back then I don't think anybody knew what was going to come of this. So like for the record, I don't, you know, blame them for that. But if you look on the product's website, it's really heavily marketed as a Kava product. And I know a lot of people, sober people have taken Kava. It's something that just makes you feel sleepy, relaxed. Your mouth will feel kind of numb. take it. And there's like, you know, typically no age requirement or anything to buy Kava. It's

Starting point is 00:09:12 just like a non-mind-altering type of thing. I've taken it before. Never had any sort of addictive tendencies towards it. But for this product specifically, feel free. There was no age requirement at the time. There wasn't a serving size on the bottle. Now there's a half a bottle is a serving size. And they make that pretty clear on the bottle now. But back then, that was not the case. The two primary ingredients in this product are kava and cratum and i'd taken like i said kava by itself before never experienced anything mind-altering and i just felt a little sleepy i had never taken kratom before but i'd heard about it from a few people in the past maybe like a year before that um it was something that was compared to macha or coffee like in the coffee family and no alarm bells going off at this time i'm like okay

Starting point is 00:09:58 it's natural yeah i'm like yeah yeah you always hear all natural this is totally fine and i was like this sounds like something I would honestly love. And again, I think I was really looking for something to fill that void that alcohol was filling. So I went to a CBD store and I'd use the feel free store locator and I was like, where do I need to go to buy this shot? Went to a CBD store in Austin. And I remember the day really specifically because I had a work retreat the next day and all my coworkers drank. And I was like, I don't want to be the only one without anything. So I'm going to buy a little substitute, put it in like some coconut water and it'll probably be great. So I went to the CBD store and I remember asking the clerk about the shot and he was like,

Starting point is 00:10:38 well, it tastes really bad and Kava's known for being really bitter and like I said, making your mouth feel numb. And he, yeah, I mentioned it was a Kava drink and I personally don't really care about the taste of things if it makes me feel good or if it's like a wellness shot, like a tumor, ginger shot, people hate those sometimes. I'm like, no, I'll take it. I want all the health benefits of it. And I took this shot when I got home or half the shot.

Starting point is 00:11:01 And I remember just feeling so sick and dizzy. I felt awful. I was like seeing double. And I was so confused because I was like, this could not be the product that the host of like my favorite podcasts were raving about. Like this cannot be the same thing. And I just laid down and went to sleep. And I was so confused. And that was only from half.

Starting point is 00:11:22 Yeah, that was only from half. And I was like, what would happen? I even took the whole thing? This is crazy. And I don't remember if I ever took the second half. I think I might have thrown it away. but after that, I just did not think about the drink for months. I was like, this is probably not my thing.

Starting point is 00:11:37 But still, I was hearing people like rave about this drink. And I remember even Joe Rogan took it on his podcast and he was talking about the euphoric effects. And I was like, what is wrong with me? I'd just like get one from like a bad batch of products and maybe I need to try this again. So that's what I did. And around fall of 2022, I ended up purchasing another feel free because I had convinced myself that my first one was just maybe a fluke it you know was maybe not you know as like produced as well as the others or something like that and this time i did drink half a shot i don't remember the like

Starting point is 00:12:13 specific day but i do remember that i loved the way it made me feel um i had energy i had the euphoria i was super happy and wanted to be productive i felt like it was a godsend especially for somebody who was newly sober and could drink this thing at the bar with friends if i was out and like i was going to the bars at that point because some of my friends did drink and like we like to go dancing. And I thought this was something that was an amazing product for sober people. But now that I look back and I think, I think even deep down, I did know that a product like that was too good to be true and had to have a dark side. Like something that made you feel that good could not have been legal.

Starting point is 00:12:51 So around this time frame, which would be fall of 2022 to summer of 2023. So almost a full year, I was drinking. the feel free shots really responsibly at first. I was only drinking maybe one on the weekend, on special occasions. I had one for like my birthday, I think that year. Like every other weekend, it was never more than one bottle per sitting, which is the serving size now is one bottle per day. And I actually ended up running a half marathon in February of 2023. And I would use feel free as my recovery drink for my long runs. It was, it still is really marketed towards the fitness community. people will put it in their drinks as like a pre-workout or post-workout recovery.

Starting point is 00:13:35 And how long do the effects last? About when you're first taking it, your tolerance is really low, probably about two hours. Yeah, but the more you take, the effects start to wear off more and more, and the tolerance builds up. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so in summer of 2023, when I was working a fully remote job, I had just gotten this job because I was laid off from my last job that I really love, but just like tech industry was going through a lot of layoffs. I was working a fully remote job for a marketing agency that became very toxic, very quickly.

Starting point is 00:14:10 And what I mean by that is that there was no work life balance. I felt anxious all the time. I was depressed. I started at this point taking at least one feel-free tonic a day after work to cope with the feelings. And again, it was the feelings of like relaxation, euphoria. I felt like I could actually deal with my stress and like cope with the depression I was falling into better. And I was like, again, this feels like a godsend. It feels like something that is really helping me. It's helping me cope with my job. And in reality, I probably just should have left that job. But, you know, the job market's hard and it's scary and it's not as easy to just leave your job, you know, because you're having a hard time with it. But I don't remember the first time I ever took a feel free

Starting point is 00:14:55 during the workday, but that quickly became a thing. I want to say it was around September, October, 2023 time frame. And I noticed that I enjoyed my work a lot more when I took one. And it was way easier to have conversations with my boss that were normally really tough to have. Like I remember I would take them before client calls. And I'd be like, all right, this is going to get me on my game. I'm going to feel good, being in a good mood. And I honestly like excelled at my job taking them. I ended up getting a promotion. And I was like, these are all good things. right? And yeah, what I did notice, though, at that time is that the high from them, the euphoric feeling that would last, like maybe a couple of hours started lasting only 30 minutes

Starting point is 00:15:37 or so, which if I like, sometimes I would start my day off with a shot and that would only last 30 minutes. I would be like, okay, I probably need to take another because now I'm getting really crabby and irritable. And yeah, the euphoria was good, but the calm down was really tough. It's like typically what happens with opiates is that exact feeling. And at that time, no one knew that my usage of them was kind of ramping up. So people always asked me, like, do people know that you were starting to use them? And people kind of knew, but they just thought it was another wellness shot. Like, I remember I went out with my friends one night and I brought one with me and I told them like, this is a little wellness tonic. We all brought a bunch of mocktails. And one of my friends took a sip and no one else took it because

Starting point is 00:16:22 They were like, it seems kind of nasty. And I'm so glad they didn't because they could have ended up like I did. But, but yeah, so it, people just kind of thought it was a little wellness shot. No alarms raised. If I was more anxious or crabby, then my family or friends just assumed it was because of my job. And I was blaming my job a lot on the, like, the addiction symptoms. And which, that was true too. Like, I still was really grumpy and tired and depressed because of my job.

Starting point is 00:16:48 And my family or friends would see like maybe one or two in my refrigerator, but like genuinely thought it was a harmless well wellness supplement. So nothing crazy. And I did start to wonder if I had a problem with them because I was taking them every day and I wouldn't go into physical withdrawal yet. But like I said, if I didn't have one, I was just really, really grumpy. And I remember Googling them. And this was probably around like the fall 2023 timeframe. And there were a lot of Reddit posts that came up for people that have been severely addicted to them and they drained their entire savings. They were hospitalized. They basically lost everything. There was a guy who was suing them because he was a former alcoholic and he

Starting point is 00:17:32 ended up relapsing on alcohol because he was taking like 12 to 15 bottles of feel free a day. And he just didn't know what else to do, but like relapse on alcohol because the withdrawals from feel free were so bad. So he was suing them. And I had really lied to myself and said I was not an addict in that I was not going to be that person. I was really in denial, though, because that's what, like, addicts we tell ourselves, like, this is, it's, I'm not going to be that person. Like, I'm not going to, you know, end up draining my whole savings. Like, that's crazy. I'd never been physically dependent on something in my life. Like, I had struggled with alcohol and marijuana use, but it was, nothing like that. And my spending on them was not out of control at this point.

Starting point is 00:18:14 I was, I was making a pretty decent salary at my job, and I wasn't concerned financially yet. So, They cost about $7 to $12 a bottle, which is a lot, like especially with how many bottles people like myself ended up using per day. But you kind of stop thinking about the price of them and you're like, I just need to get my fix. And that's when you know things are not getting good. So my usage continues to ramp up around fall of 2023. And on October 19th of 2023 is the day that ended up meeting my husband for the very first time.

Starting point is 00:18:49 My best friend actually ended up setting us up, and it was a very instant connection. We were officially in a relationship by mid-November, so dated for like a month, boyfriend and girlfriend in November, and we very much knew we wanted to marry each other. It was a very instant connection, very sweet, and we had planned for him to drive with me to Alabama to meet my family for Christmas that year, which we were super excited about, and I was just really happy for him to come with me. but Kratum and Feel Free shots are not legal in Alabama so they don't sell them there. And this is a big problem because I take Feel Free every day at this point.

Starting point is 00:19:26 So I'm going to be in Alabama for two weeks. So I was mentally trying to do the math of how many bottles do I take with me. And I packed about 10 bottles of Feel Free to take with me thinking that it would last for the full two weeks. And I thought this was a great chance to not fully depend on them. Like, I mean, 10 bottles is still a lot. but you're thinking like 14 days, I'm going to have to stretch these 10 bottles. Let's like kind of take a little bit of a tolerance break, like maybe only drink them, you know, on like special occasions like Christmas Day or like something.

Starting point is 00:19:56 And I ended up drinking all of those bottles within two to three days. And I was like, I'm kind of screwed. I guess I'm just going to be like quitting cold turkey for this time period. And I also, I continue to think that it was a good opportunity for me to be able to take like a little bit of a tolerance break. And yeah, I was was taking them in secret when I was taking them during Christmas break before I ran out. So like my husband and I were driving to Alabama. I had them in our trunk and they were like open.

Starting point is 00:20:26 Like there was a case of them just open where he could see them. But I just probably just thought they were wellness shots. I remember taking some in the bathroom when we made like pit stops because I was like embarrassed about it. And but at the same time I was fine with him like seeing the bottles. But I didn't want it to, I didn't want anyone to even kind of think I had a problem or they were like problematic in any way. So I was still sneaking around, taking them a lot. And I remember when I got to Alabama, my husband and I stayed in my grandma's house. And I ended up losing my grandma's key to her front door that I had. And my mom's kind of freaking out. We're all freaking out and trying to find

Starting point is 00:20:59 this key. And my mom just like, we have a close relationship. So she just like goes in my bag and starts like emptying stuff out. And I'm like panicking because I have like, I think I had like three empty, feel free bottles in there. And she just takes them out. And I don't think she thought anything of it. because she had seen those bottles before. She had even taken some with me as like an alcohol alternative because we stopped drinking together at the same time. And she like, it was not problematic with her. So she was like, okay, whatever.

Starting point is 00:21:23 And I was just so scared that someone was going to call me out on my problem. So ended up going through all of those bottles within two to three days. And my husband had to fly. Oh, he's my boyfriend at that time, had to fly back to California to be with his families after being with us for a few days. And that is like when I ran out of bottles, he like didn't see me taking them. We were very much in like the honeymoon phase of our relationship, always wanting to be around each other and just super excited to spend time together.

Starting point is 00:21:53 But the combination of him having to go back to be with his family and me running out of bottles was like catastrophic in my mind. I like emotionally was not okay because I'm also cutting out my usage. My brain chemistry is so out of whack and my dopamine just like is to please. and goes down. So I'm an emotional wreck. Brain is out of whack. My husband's leaving. I literally cried for an entire day after he left. And I was like, I am so upset about him leaving and I didn't put two to together about the fact that I was going into mental withdrawals at that time. So the rest of the trip in Alabama without taking feel free, I did not have any physical

Starting point is 00:22:32 withdrawals, but the emotional withdrawals were really rough. Like they did get better after a few days, but we're still pretty tough. And I was just looking forward to getting back to Texas. and being able to take feel free again. And my mom, she drove back to Austin with me right before New Year's. And the very first stop we made when we got to Texas was to go to a gas station and get a couple of feel-free tonics. I would take them with clean energy drinks and like mix the two. And that just gave me like a really boosted euphoric feeling.

Starting point is 00:23:04 Yeah. And I think that was the beginning of the addiction starting to get really, really bad because I had quit for that period of time. And it was almost like a relapse. It's like when you relapse, it's like 10 times worse than the usage ever was. And it just ramps up entirely. Yeah, at that point, the addiction was getting worse. And fast forward to January of 2024, I was at the same job, the same toxic job.

Starting point is 00:23:29 And the work culture just continued to get worse. I was also in a lot of isolation working remotely, which I've learned that working remotely is just not for me. Like, I'm in a hybrid environment now and in a new job now that is so much healthier. and I just like being around my coworkers. I like to, it's almost like an accountability thing too. It's like you have to show up for your coworkers and present yourself as a certain way at work. But working remotely, it was so easy for me to run to the gas station, go pick up a couple of feel frees every couple of hours at this point.

Starting point is 00:24:00 And I'd already started doing a lot more research about Kratum because I knew it was getting worse. And basically what Kratom is is a plant native to Southeast Asia and what fuel. free is is a cratum extract, which is a highly concentrated version of whole leaf cratum. And it's very similar to an opiate. So it activates your opiate receptors in the exact same way. A lot of people argue it's not an opiate, but it is. It makes you feel the same.

Starting point is 00:24:26 I've taken opiates before. I know the feeling it is exactly the same thing. And cratum is typically sold in pill and tea form. And a lot of cratom advocates, which there are a lot of people that advocate for cratum, say that you can't get addicted to whole leaf powder because it's not as concentrated as extracts, but you definitely can. I know a lot of people who've gotten addicted to whole leaf powder, extracts are just like a little bit stronger and a lot of people get addicted to it. And they really suffer in silence because especially something like a like a quote unquote wellness

Starting point is 00:24:58 tonic, you feel really embarrassed. You're confused. You're like, how do I tell someone that I'm addicted to a wellness tonic? It'd almost be easier if I was addicted to heroin. And I could say, I got addicted to heroin or I'm an outside. alcoholic because like people know what that is and a lot of people don't get taken seriously when they say they're addicted to crate them. Hey guys, today's episode is sponsored by Ali. Over here in this household, it is extremely important for me to feed all of my pets, the absolute healthiest best food that I can find on the market.

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Starting point is 00:28:07 and comfortable in your environment too. And now? I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast. Every week, we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week, we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to true crime news available now wherever you get your podcast. Back to the episode. So the people that are advocating for this cratom, are they not experiencing the bad side effects or they're not allowing themselves to because they're so addicted to it? I'm confused like why someone would

Starting point is 00:28:54 advocate for something that could go so south so easily. Yeah. It's, So Kratom is also used as like a harm reduction tool for people that are getting off of harder substances. So if someone's coming off of heroin, they might use Kratom. But I mean, I think it's just trading one addiction for another. It's a lesser of two evils for sure. And there have been Kratom related deaths, but significantly fewer than heroin. Like it's very minuscule compared to harder substances. But you can still die from Kratom that has happened before.

Starting point is 00:29:26 And to become addicted and reliant on something, it will stop your life. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure. It takes away your quality of life. Yeah. To have to constantly think about dosing and it takes up so much real estate in your brain. And it really is so sad.

Starting point is 00:29:42 And yeah, the advocates will say they use it as like a harm reduction tool to get off of a harder substance or a harder substance. And also for pain management. So a lot of people don't have access to pain medication or they can't get it from their doctor. So they'll go to Kratum and get it from like a CBD store or gas. station, which is wild that you can just go buy illegal opiate at the gas station or a CBD store, completely unregulated, which that's a whole other story. But yeah, a lot of people will advocate for it. I know in like Louisiana, for instance, it's, I think it might become illegal. And there was like a rally a few weeks ago of people who were advocating for cratim. And I don't want to take away

Starting point is 00:30:20 from their experience. Like if it helped them get off of something, like it's better for them to be on something that's, you know, likely not going to kill them than to be on the streets and be on heroin, but it's still something that is so dangerous. And I'm like way more for treating the root cause of addiction and not slapping a bandaid over it and just saying, okay, well, let's just give you another drug. Also, there are medicines and like other drugs that doctors can dispense like Suboxin as a drug that, or not drug, but like a medicine that people will get on if they're coming off of opiates or Kratum. And that has helped them a lot. And it's not, it's something that's regulated. And a doctor can give you and can properly dose. But Kratum, you can't do this with. And it's

Starting point is 00:30:58 kind of like a shortcut for a lot of people. So yeah, I have a lot of people that will kind of come at me for that. But I'm like, I'm just telling my experience. You are completely entitled to your own experience. I could not speak on the things that you've, you've gone through. But, but yeah, this, this really freaked me out, like researching Kratum more. And my spending had become really excessive on it. So I consider myself like a pretty responsible person financially. Like I try to save money. I tried to not overspend on things. Like I still like nice things and I try to be frugal when I can. But I started drinking more and more a day and the euphoria got less and less. And my body was just trying to like chase that first high. And at this point, I was drinking six to eight

Starting point is 00:31:44 bottles a day. So it was immediately like waking up buying a bottle because I would wake up in physical withdrawal at this point. So I would feel like I was getting the flu. And I just blamed that on allergies. and I would call out of work and be like, I'm sick, I have a really bad headache. And it was all physical withdrawals and I was very much lying to myself. Six to eight a day. Yeah. Yeah. And that's not even the worst of it.

Starting point is 00:32:05 So, yeah, it's crazy. And people ask me how I was drinking that many a day. I was like puking a lot. That's what I was going to ask you like if you started getting sick from having that money. Yep. They taste horrible. They mess up your gut terribly.

Starting point is 00:32:19 So I was throwing up a lot. I couldn't really keep food down. I was eating basically. just like crackers all the time and like chips and just whatever I could eat because everything just upset my stomach. And that was like a really brutal way to live because I love food. And I'm like, I love like just eating and and tasting good food. So that took away like my love for food. And I was just drinking them to feel some sort of like normalcy at that point. And I did also start showing outward signs of physical signs of addiction. So I was tired all the time.

Starting point is 00:32:53 I started to isolate myself. Like I said no to plans all the time, um, was getting sick, throwing up. I had super dry and flaky skin. Like I, I call it alligator skin.

Starting point is 00:33:03 So I would take my clothes off and flakes of skin would just fly off. So that's primarily due to the kava. Kava will like one kava is so bad for your liver if you're taking it in excess. And I also had this like weird pain in my side, which I think was my liver that went away as soon as I got clean. But, um, it was, yeah,

Starting point is 00:33:23 off, but super flaky skin was nauseous. It was just like a shell of myself at this point. I look at my eyes and pictures and I just look like just like nobody's home. I lost interest in things that I used to really love like running. And before my addiction got really bad, I actually was training for a full marathon right before and had to drop out because the tonics were just making me so sick all the time. And I just kind of blamed it on like, oh, I can't run the full mileage. Like it's, you know, I just am going to drop out. Like I half is all I really can do when I was just really sick and couldn't really exercise anymore. I made the excuse that this was just stress manifesting in my body from my job.

Starting point is 00:34:03 And like everyone believed that. It was very, it was really believable because my job was, I mean, from the beginning, I would call my mom just in tears so anxious and it just continued to get worse and worse. And I was, I was so scared because I was like I had always abused alcohol. That was easy for me to quit, you know, weed I used for a long time. But it was never this difficult. and like I'd never had a physical dependency. I've never been physically addicted to something.

Starting point is 00:34:26 And this is really scary. And I'm continuing to look at like Reddit groups and more people are posting about their experiences. I'm like terrified at this point. So I'm like, I can't tell anyone. Am I going to have to live the rest of my life like this? I've got a lot of debt now.

Starting point is 00:34:39 Like what, what do I even do? And your debt was fully coming from your addiction to these things. Yep. Yeah. And at first it was like I could pay for it comfortably. I could spend probably like $30, $40 a day and be, fined financially, but then it was like, you're starting to spend like upwards to $100 a day.

Starting point is 00:34:57 And this is like, which 30 to 40 days is still a lot of money. Like I don't justify that either. But it just kept going up. Yeah, it just kept going up. And also at this point, my husband and I had already talked about getting engaged and married and he did not know about the addiction. And people asked me like, how did he not know? Like you guys were, you know, you're so close.

Starting point is 00:35:16 And we weren't living together at the time just like because of our faith. Like we weren't living together. we wanted to wait until marriage. We didn't stay the night with each other. So I could keep it very secret. I lived alone, didn't have roommates. Well, I think, too, you know, like when you're talking about these, like, I'm just imagining, like, when I buy my ginger shots, like, if you had a pack of those in the fridge,

Starting point is 00:35:36 I mean, I even had, I've had companies send me their little, like, wellness macha drinks. And it's like, if those are in the fridge, like, even if somebody sees them and says, oh, what are these? When you read the package or you look at it, it's just a wellness shot. And like, no one's going to think twice about it, in my opinion. And even if they see you, I mean, granted, if somebody sees you downing them every day, they'd probably be like, what the fuck. But I feel like it's a pretty easy thing to hide when you are living by yourself and you have all this time.

Starting point is 00:36:04 And if somebody does stumble upon them or see them, they would just think, like, it's a supplement in a way. No, yeah, no one's going to ask you. Are you addicted to this? No. That would be, like, weirder than, you know, like anything else. It would like to think that, you know, it's just, like you said, there's not enough around it almost. that people would even go to that or think that. Yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 00:36:26 Like, it's just, it's such a tricky, weird thing to be addicted to. But it's like, it's like we got to start speaking out about this more. And like, that's what I want to do is just make people feel comfortable to tell people. Because it's just, it's a really, it's a tricky thing. And like you mentioned as well, which I don't think there's anything wrong with. And I agree with you 100%. If you're trying to get off of a harder drug, you know, I think that an. order to do that and to piggyback off of something else, that should be done with a doctor.

Starting point is 00:36:56 Like, it shouldn't be done with something that you just have this free access to to become addicted to something else. You know what I mean? Yeah. There's that. And also, like, if that's what people want to use that for, then maybe it should only be marketed for that. You know, like, you can't have, in my opinion, it makes no sense to have something that

Starting point is 00:37:13 can help you come off heroin and then something that you could, you're supposed to take that will just make you feel euphoric and is an alcohol. A social tonic. It makes no sense. It's like such a huge difference. Yeah. And it's just the deceptiveness and sneakiness of the company, honestly. And yeah, it's pretty wild that, I mean, something like that is even able to be sold.

Starting point is 00:37:36 And I will say, too, when I first started taking them, they were sold in like really high-end wellness shop. So I think like, I think Airwan maybe had them at one point, Sun Life Organics, which is a huge wellness spot in Austin. And so I was like, oh, this is. is great. Yeah, it's good quality. Yeah. And so at this time, too, my husband and I has timeline to get engaged was get engaged in March and have a courthouse wedding in May. And we were just like super excited to get married to live together to like start our lives together. It was yeah, just so,

Starting point is 00:38:06 so sweet. And at this time, too, I was still actively practicing my faith. My addiction was like still at its worst. But I was going to church and praying that God would break me free of this addiction. because at this point I'm fully aware that I have a problem. And I remember being angry at God because I was like, you called me to give up alcohol. But like now I'm in, I feel like I'm like a junkie. Like I feel like I wake up and I'm like the first person at the gas station ready to get my fix. And it's just interesting because now I realize that he was allowing me to go through that to be able to share my story and have like a deeper empathy for for people who have gone through addiction and gone through a physical dependency like this, which is like really sweet to look at. And like his plan is just so much greater than we can ever comprehend.

Starting point is 00:38:52 So at this point, I'm up to nine to 12 bottles a day. And this is the worst to ever got. I would, and this is like give or take nine to 12. Like sometimes it would be less than that. Sometimes it might be more than that. So it was a lot of bottles per day. I would wake up and either immediately run to the gas station and get two bottles, two to three bottles.

Starting point is 00:39:11 And then take the two to three at one time. No. So I would probably like every hour or so I would take one or like every one to two hours. I know it's I can't even feeling good at this point or it was simply the addiction of it. Simply the addiction. So there was like maybe the first one I took at the very beginning of the day, like there was maybe some like small bit of euphoria that I had when I first took it. Like I would go to the gas station literally like take it in the car like on the way home before my work day started. And I would wake up for work. I started work at 8.30. I would wake up at like 8.15

Starting point is 00:39:43 because I was just like so sick every day and just like have to run to the gas station, come back. clock in and start my work day. And my work was like really slipping at this time too. Like I'm pretty sure I was about to get fired. But I yeah, would start taking them first thing in the morning. And I would after like the first couple of hours, take another one. Take another one after like a couple of hours. And literally just to get through my work day, I had to keep taking them. So it would be two to three in the morning at lunch, two more bottles, you know, two to three more bottles late afternoon and then like maybe two to three more bottles in the evening. And I was easily spending like over $120 a day at this point.

Starting point is 00:40:22 And that's like, that's like three grand, $3,500 a month, which is I could have like had a house. Right. Right. Rented another house at that point. Yeah. Nice car. Yeah. Like nice apartment. Yeah. It is like, oh, it hurts my soul. But I was also having the bottles delivered via Uber Eats and DoorDash to my apartment, which is so dangerous because I'm like, I already don't need. There was a point. where I was hoping like some like one of the delivery people would like notice I was ordering so many and like like like like put like a note and it'd be like if you need help or like yeah. Yeah, because I'm like the shop owners have to be like this girl can not be well. But but yeah, I was going to the same gas stations every day and I was, yeah, doing Uber Eats and

Starting point is 00:41:10 I ended up draining my savings. I maxed all both my credit card. So I had a credit card. So I had a credit card for $10,000, a credit card for $2,000. I took out a $3,500, like, quick cash loan, which is, like, I think it was called, like, credit fresh and you get your money the same day, but the interest rate is, like, in same. And you took it out for these drinks. Yes. And just to be able to, like, buy groceries.

Starting point is 00:41:33 Like, I have a, I mean, I wasn't eating much, but, like, I have a cat and a dog, or had a cat and a dog at the time. And I was like, I got to, you know, make sure they're taken care of and fed and whatever. And I was taking out, like, I took out that super, sketchy loan was in about $15,000 worth of debt over these. And it was like as soon as my paycheck would hit, I would run to the gas station and buy more feel free. There were days I would wake up and withdraw and had literally $0 in my bank account, like was in the negatives. And yeah, I would just like wait for my paycheck to come through and I'd be withdrawing until I could go get my fix. And I remember

Starting point is 00:42:09 one day there was even, I think I was like $500 negative in my debit account. And I had to ask my mom for money because I had ordered through Uber Eats and I could pay, I don't know why I was paying through like Venmo on Uber Eats. I think that you can like, it like doesn't, it takes out the money later or something. And I was like having ways around it in case my account was at zero. And I remember I had to like ask my mom for money and I forgot what excuse I made. But I was like, oh, I was. just like ordering Uber Eats and stuff. And she knew I was like anxious and like depressed this time. And I think everyone was just trying to like make sure I was okay.

Starting point is 00:42:46 And that I was like healthy and doing well, which like obviously I wasn't really at the time. But yeah, I was I was going to every gas station within like a five to 10 mile radius of my apartment. And throughout the day it would get to a point where I was so embarrassed to see like the clerks at the gas station. Because I was like they're going to like what are they going to think of me? I'm buying, you know, I can't come back more than once in a day. So I would hop around from gas station to gas station. And that's when I started using delivery too because I was like, I just don't want them to see me anymore.

Starting point is 00:43:16 And it's funny because now that I'm clean, I'm like, I wonder if they think I just like mysteriously like passed away or something because I just stopped coming all the sudden. So at this point, no one knew. Yeah. No one knew. And did you ever have a thought in your head like maybe I should go to a rehab or something for this?

Starting point is 00:43:33 I mean, at the same time, like I feel like, why would you think that for something like that because I think that we do, when we do think of things like rehab and stuff, we're thinking of it for harder drugs and stuff. Yeah, yeah. I didn't actually think about rehab seriously until I told people about my addiction. And that was like when I started to take it a little bit more seriously, I was like, oh, maybe rehab's an option. I don't know. And I did think about rehab, though. I didn't end up choosing that route. But at that time, though, before I told anyone, I wasn't thinking about it yet. Yeah, I honestly convinced myself that I was going to have to live like this for the rest of my life. And I was like, I don't know what my, because you're mentally so messed up.

Starting point is 00:44:15 And you're like, I don't remember what my life was like before these. Right. How am I going to? You probably didn't even know what it felt to feel good off of anything. I'm like, how am I going to enjoy anything? Because I would take these when I felt sad, when I felt happy. Like it was a lot of people will take things and like cope when they're like feeling really like sad about something or like going to some. hard. Like I feel like I took them more for the like happy things in my life. I'm like,

Starting point is 00:44:41 oh, it's a friend's birthday. Let's go celebrate. I just got this promotion. I got to celebrate. And now was what was hardest for me when I got clean to is that I was like, I don't have anything to like take when I celebrate, you know? And like that's gotten better. But yeah, but yeah, kind of to like get back to that timeline. I had mentioned like I thought I was probably going to get fired from my job because my work was slipping so much. And it was. was hard for me to function because I just thought about dosing all day, every day. And this is why cratum extracts were called gas station heroin, because I would literally show up to the gas station first thing in the morning, like hadn't brushed my hair, hadn't literally

Starting point is 00:45:21 slippers, pajama pants, t-shirt, just like whatever I could put on and be there like a, like a junkie just to buy my drug. And, you know, people would lose weight when they were taking these. They were throwing up all the time. Like I just was not healthy. I feel like my like yeah, my whole body was just in turmoil at that time. And some nights when I couldn't sleep too, I didn't think anyone knows this, but I would drive to like a 24 hour gas station and like the middle of the night and go by like a few bottles because I just couldn't sleep. I would wake up in the middle of the night with like heart palpitations because Kratum's also a stimulant. So it would make you feel really like anxious to if you took too much. And I remember like,

Starting point is 00:46:02 walking upstairs and my heart would be like pounding out of my chest. And I'm really grateful. It did not give me like lasting heart problems, but it very much could have. So I actually ended up making the decision to quit my job on March 11th of 2024, which again, like I quit before I was able to get fired. There was just like stuff going on with my boss. I was treated really poorly. And people talk about quiet quitting their job and they'll kind of just like trickle off and like, you know, stop doing the work. I think I was getting quiet fired. So I think it was like they were just slowly taking me out of meetings. They were, I was supposed to go on like a trip to meet one of my clients. They just did not tell me I was not going and took someone else. It was like a very toxic

Starting point is 00:46:46 environment. And I also like fully take responsibility for my actions and not doing my job like I should have at the time. Like I don't want to put that all on the company. But my husband was super gracious at the time. He was my boyfriend, but he, I knew it was going to be my husband. He was super gracious and offered to help me out financially at that time. And again, he did not know about the addiction. So it's like, you know, helping me out with like just normal bills and making sure I'm good. And he didn't know about my spending habits or anything. And I think at this point, too, I was still getting paid.

Starting point is 00:47:18 So I was able to like quickly pay off some credit card debt and then just reuse it again to buy the bottles. So on March 15th of 2024, my husband and I ended up. up getting engaged and he planned the most beautiful proposal. He got my mom flown in. He involved my best friend Katie and it was just like super special by my best friend Katie is a prop stylist. And they, so I had modeled for shoots for her before and she had worked with like really cool brands and stuff too. And she had told me that she wanted me to model for a shoot. And she was going like, we were going to meet at her house. She was going to like pick out the outfit and go to the location. And we like get to the location. It's just like beautiful like secret garden type of situation. And

Starting point is 00:47:59 of situation and we get there and I start like shooting with the photographer and my husband just like comes out of nowhere and I'm like I didn't register what was happening my mom's behind him and I'm like oh my gosh this is so sweet and yeah it was just such a sweet proposal was perfect and I think I'd taken about six shots that day and it makes me really sad because I look back at like the pictures and like to know I was in active addiction during that specific time that like took away from like that portion of the engagement, like makes me really sad because I'm like, wow, that would have been like a great thing to experience fully sober. But I also know that like God's timing is so perfect. And like it, I'm going to explain like why it needed to happen

Starting point is 00:48:40 that weekend and like why that, you know, that weekend really changed a lot for me. But we get engaged. And again, like we're not living together at this point. And my mom, her plan was to stay with me. And I did not know this. I had not prepared for someone to stay in my apartment with me. So I was really nervous because I did not know how I was supposed to use around her because I hadn't seen her since Christmas when my addiction was not as bad. And I was like, I don't know how I'm supposed to be able to take like bottles around her. And I just remember my apartment too was such a mess because I was just not taking care of myself anymore. My laundry had piled up. My, I was like when I would detox in the morning, my sweat smelled like ammonia.

Starting point is 00:49:25 So like my sheet smelled horrible. I had like really bad B.O. And the, so the day after me and Tolu got engaged, I only had four shots with my mom there. And that was like trying to maneuver a lot, getting those shots and like making excuses for those. Because we had, my mom and I had taken them together before. That was like part of the excuse. And I remember waking up that morning the day after we got engaged, I didn't really get out of bed until like 1 p.m. Because I was like, I don't want her to see me like use a shot right away.

Starting point is 00:49:52 I don't really know how to take one or like because I didn't have any of my apartment. and I didn't have any like unopened ones. And I was like, I don't know how to go buy one or get one delivered. So I kind of like sneakily had a couple delivered and I was able to take some. And then we took some before dinner, which we went to like a little engagement dinner with. My husband and my best friend Katie was there too. And I was just like taking those bottles in secret. I remember taking one right before bed to and come Sunday morning.

Starting point is 00:50:18 So two days after we get engaged, we're getting ready to go to church with Tolu, my husband. and I something in me was just like you're not going to take any bottles today. And I'm like, that was probably the Holy Spirit telling me like, you know, today is the day. And I just made the decision. I wasn't going to take any bottles that day. I was like, and some people say, you know, maybe you just like subconsciously felt safe because your mom was there and you like, you had your husband, your best friend, like, people around you that really loved you and care for you.

Starting point is 00:50:48 And like your body just kind of knew like this is the time to detox and like open up about it. And I'm making an attempt to get ready for church. And I'm pretty much going into severe withdrawal immediately. I'm like, I had it, I don't know this is going to happen, but I'm dizzy. I can't stand up straight. And I felt like I was going to pass out. I was like, there's no way we're going to church this morning.

Starting point is 00:51:09 And I tell my mom, I'm like, I need to go to the hospital. And keep in mind, too, everyone thinks that I'm still having these health issues because of my job. Like, I just quit my job. So it was only a week after quitting. And they're like, okay, you've just been super stressed. like your body is just kind of going out of whack because of that stress. And I texted my husband and like told him what was going on and I was going to the hospital.

Starting point is 00:51:31 And he was like, do I need to come with you? And I was like, no, it's fine. Like just go to church. I honestly didn't want him to see me going through withdrawal because I was like he doesn't know about this. And like I don't want him to see this. And we get to the hospital. I get fluids. I still haven't told anyone what's going on.

Starting point is 00:51:44 And I had secretly hoped they would like run some sort of test on me that would find create him in my system. And so I could just like finally open up. because I was just so sick of being addicted at this point. And I just thought that would be like an easier way for me to come clean. And after I got the fluids, we came home to my apartment and I immediately got to bed. And this was when the physical withdrawals like really started to kick in. And this was the most uncomfortable I've ever felt my life.

Starting point is 00:52:10 Like it's kind of hard to explain anybody who's gone through opiate withdrawals knows what I'm talking about. And there have been people who have gotten off of heroin that said that Cradam was worse than getting off of heroin. And I felt like there was just. this electricity running through my body constantly. I could not get comfortable for like the life of me. I had horrible restless legs. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. My mom was there like making sure I at least took a few bites of food and like drank water and just wasn't like withering away completely. And I was I was literally going into opiate detox from a wellness tonic, which is so crazy. And I was crying a lot because the emotional and mental withdrawals were so tough. And I just remember being like,

Starting point is 00:52:49 I don't want to be left alone. I'm so sad. like why is this happening on my engagement weekend like this is I've destroyed my life like how am I going to open up about this and my mom was was crying and she was calling tolu and like calling my dad and and she was just like I don't know what's going on jazz I don't know if she's dying like there's this like weird undiagnosed illness the hospital couldn't tell us anything and that first day of detox was absolutely the worst on the second day I did start to like slightly feel better and I kind of rewind to the first night that I detox I took NyQuil and like fun fact, you're not supposed to take NyQuil when you're detoxing because it makes restless legs worse. So that made my withdrawal is even worse taking the NyQuil.

Starting point is 00:53:31 And so I wake up. It's a Monday the day after my first day of detox. And I felt good enough to actually like just get out of bed and go grab like a bite to eat with my mom. And so later that day, that Monday, my mom is running some errands for me. We'd come back from lunch. She like did some things around my house did laundry for me, like took care of the animals. And it was just so sweet to me and like really took great care of me. And I remember I got up to go to the bathroom and I still couldn't stand for long periods of time. So I just like sat on the toilet, like wasn't even going to the bathroom, just like sat on the toilet and was just kind of like contemplating life and everything I was going through. And all of a sudden I felt what I know to be the Holy Spirit, which like if you're

Starting point is 00:54:16 not a believer is the spirit that enters into you and you become a Christian and gives you like the and the discernment as a believer and also represents like God's presence within us. And I felt the Holy Spirit convict me to come clean about my addiction to my loved ones and spare like no details. It was just this immediate like wash of you got to like confess right now. And like now is the time. And this was like God telling me that it was finally time for me to be free, which is like so ironic because the product is called feel free.

Starting point is 00:54:46 And it just, you know, people joke and they say it should be called feel trap. And right. But I first immediately came out of the bathroom and sat my mom down and she had actually, like I said, take and feel free with me a few times. So she knew that it like made her feel good. But it wasn't to the point of being hooked. Like, thank goodness. And I told her about my debt how many I was drinking a day that I might like seriously need to consider rehab. And that was when I was like, mom, do I need to go to rehab? Like, I don't know how that works. Like, what do I do? And she was like, I don't think you need to go to rehab. But like, I am. so relieved that you told me. And that was not a reaction that I was expecting. Like I needed to get my loved ones more credit because they're amazing. But I was like expecting some sort of like, oh, you've been like lying to me. You've been asking me for money to pay for these things. And no, she was like truly an angel and was like, I'm relieved that you told me because she like truly thought I was dying from something just undiagnosed. She was like, this is like a good thing. We can like help you and like we can help you get clean. And like, thank you so much for telling me.

Starting point is 00:55:48 And this is what I tell people who will reach out to me and ask, like, how do I, like, how should I respond to someone that tells me that they're addicted to these? And I'm like, tell them that you were so proud of them for opening up to you. Do not make them feel judged. Don't make them feel condemned because, like, they already are judging themselves. Yeah. Like, they already feel all the shame and embarrassment. So right after I told her, I called Tolu and I, like, told him everything. And he had the same exact reaction. Like, there was no judgment, no condemnation. He did not shame me at all and made me feel like really empowered. and supported. And he's always told me, like, it is never me and you against each other. It's always

Starting point is 00:56:23 me and you against the problem. And, like, he really treated my addiction that way. And he's like, okay, like, let's, you know, work on getting you clean and, like, how can I support you in this? Which was just so gracious. And, like, that's truly the love of Christ. And, like, that's the best way I can explain it is, like, I feel like Christ was just, like, working through them so heavily and through my addiction. And that was just so sweet. And then a few days later, my best friend Katie came over. and I told her in person and like set her down. And she was so empathetic. Like she has a soft spot for addiction to.

Starting point is 00:56:53 And we sat down and watched like a bunch of 12 step videos together. And she's like, all right, we're going to get you clean. Like I'm so proud of you for opening up. And she actually went with me to my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting, which was so sweet and supportive. And after that, it took about two weeks to like fully feel like myself again after the physical detox. and the physical detox was like three to four days really severely and then like progressively started to get better.

Starting point is 00:57:24 My skin, like I said, was really dry from the kava. And I mean, I was putting on like castor oil, all these different types of lotions. And like it just sucked up all the moisture. And then finally at about two weeks, I started feeling like my physical self again. And people will kind of talk about the pink cloud that you experience in sobriety when you first get sober. You're like, oh my gosh, this is what. it feels like to feel physically good again. That's what I felt. I was like, oh my gosh,

Starting point is 00:57:51 wow, I'm so happy that like I decided to get sober from these things and like God convicted me of that. And at this point, I was not tempted to relapse because I was like, those withdrawals were horrible. I'd never want to go back again. I'm like, that scared me. And, um, and I want to say too, like I don't want to condone anyone just like quitting cold turkey and not consulting a medical professional because that can be very dangerous. Like you could have a seizure. You could you don't know how your body's going to react. Like I was just fortunate that I could detox at home. And like, I didn't consult a medical professional, which I, you know, probably should have. But yeah, just like please consult your doctor if you're going to go through something like that. And,

Starting point is 00:58:28 um, yeah, like the physical withdrawals were not super long by any means, but the worst by far was the mental withdrawals. I would say that about at this, at like six months sober is when I started to feel normal mentally again. That was really tough because I kind of just felt the sense. of like dullness and sadness after the initial high of the pink cloud, which lasted for about a month. So up until then, like, it was very tempting to relapse because I was like, my life was, your trauma starts to kind of like, your brain forgets it and you stop thinking about it as much. And you start romanticizing your drug of choice. And you're like, oh, well, this is why I used it. It made me feel really good when I like went out to dinner with friends. And you kind of start to

Starting point is 00:59:12 forget what it put you through. But during that time, too, I also experienced. a lot of anadonia, which is basically a lack of joy and pleasure and everyday things that you used to love. So like my brain chemistry was like getting back to normal again. And at about like two months sober from Kratum in June of 2024 is when I decided to share my story publicly on TikTok. And I knew like from the moment I got sober that I wanted to talk about it. Because I was like someone's got to bring more awareness to this. Like I wish I would have had someone actively talking about their addiction on social media. And I could have like watched their video. Right, because I think, you know, when that happens, especially with something that you really have no idea about, it gives you that insight and knowledge.

Starting point is 00:59:54 And there's nothing like experience of somebody else, like real experience of someone else. Because it's one thing to Google something, but I feel like Google has so much mixed reviews. Like there's no like just a real link or a story usually that you can click and like read someone's firsthand experience with something. And that's why I always say there's, you know, a huge reason why I do this show is that you can look something up and just very, very, clearly and straight to the point, here's someone's story. Yeah. And I think, too, that would have helped you, you know, not feel that shame and to even have an understanding of like, wow, like, you can be addicted to something that isn't marketed as a, like, as a drug. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, that's so true. And like, yeah, it's just, it's a lot, it's a hard place to feel seen and related

Starting point is 01:00:38 to. And I do think a lot more people are speaking out now, which is really cool to see. I mean, I hate that so many people have struggled with this. Yeah, I was going to ask you, have you found other people that have had gone through what you have from that drink? Yeah. I mean, I would say even just like on Reddit alone, there's like tens of thousands of people. And I still get messages on TikTok probably weekly from people who are like specifically addicted to feel free.

Starting point is 01:01:01 And it's like, that's the thing too is addiction does not, it doesn't have like a specific look. You can still be very high functioning. You can still hold a really good job. You can be a mom. You can be a dad. You can be, you know, really accurate. in your like workout community, whatever it is, and you can still be so physically addicted to

Starting point is 01:01:17 something. And I get messages from like moms who are postpartum and who get addicted to feel free because it's like helping them with their depression. And they don't know how to like tell their husband or a lot of people who don't know how to tell their spouses because it's, that's, that's a hard thing to do to be like, I've been hiding this from you for a while, especially when like you do share finances maybe. And like that's really tricky. And I just always tell people. I'm like, you got to tell them. I'm like, you have to tell your spouse. Like that is the most. important relationship that you have, you have to tell them. And you have to open up to someone close to you. If it's not your spouse, like, you got to tell someone first. And that is the first step

Starting point is 01:01:52 to getting clean. Like for me, it was just putting it out there and being like, whoof, okay, like, this is not a burden. Because you're not carrying it alone anymore. Yes, exactly. Exactly. And I too, in those moments, you don't even know how to help yourself. Because mentally, you're so not there. You know, you're not your highest self. So I think in moments like those, you need. other brains to like help you and be like, this is okay. And it's a lot easier than you think it is, like in the sense of like getting the help. Like obviously going through the withdrawals and everything else, like that part's, you know, indescribable. But I think that, you know, in those moments you feel like the shame and the guilt and the withdrawal almost overpowers

Starting point is 01:02:34 the getting clean part, you know? Yeah. Exactly. And it's like you can't, sometimes you can't get help unless you ask for it. Yeah. And that's really hard too, you know. And scary. It is. It's very scary. And just I sympathize too because you don't know how people are going to respond and you're like, oh my gosh, is this person going to, because I do get, you know, the messages I get from people and they end up telling me like I told my spouse like they did not respond well. And I'm like, we'll give them time because like they do have a right to feel hurt. Like they do have a right to, you know, feel you may be sad that you were hiding this from them. But like let them feel their emotions and like it, you know, they will likely come around and like things will be okay. So but every situation is different. And. I can only just hope the best for people. But when I shared on TikTok about my creatum addiction, I had, so previously I had already been using the platform to talk about my sobriety from alcohol. And so I was really scared to share my story about Kratem too, because I felt like I was living this lie on TikTok of like, oh, I'm talking about sobriety, but I'm like actively

Starting point is 01:03:35 becoming addicted to Kratum. And that's part of the reason I was in denial too, because I had built like a small following, but I was talking about getting sober from alcohol, but like still. taking Kratom shots. And that was like way before the addiction got really bad. It was like during that year of I was taking them kind of more sporadically. But I wasn't fully sober and like I have to own up to that. And yeah, I ended up posting a 10 minute video telling my story from start to finish on TikTok. And I, I thought like a small group of people would resonate. I'm like, who knows if people even know what I'm talking about here. And I ended up getting over a million views. And I like now use my platform to talk about

Starting point is 01:04:09 creatom addiction and just like normalized conversations about addiction as a whole because there are so many types of addictions and it's not it's not just cratim it's not just you know alcohol weed heroin whatever it is like it could be so many different things and um yeah just like getting messages from people on like a weekly basis either with a crateom addiction sometimes it's alcohol too or like a different substance they don't know how to tell their spouse or their you know partner or whatever and i try to give them the best advice that i can and a lot of times i'm the only person that they've told, which is like such a huge honor. And like I feel so grateful to like be able to hold that space for them because I,

Starting point is 01:04:46 yeah, I wish there would have been like someone I could have message and been like, hey, like I haven't told anyone this yet. But, you know, I just want to put it out there and kind of just like, you know, make this feel a little bit better. But in a weird way, I am like really grateful that this happened to me because like I said, it gave me so much more empathy and understanding for addiction. And just I'm so passionate about like treating that root cause and like not just. just slapping band-aids over it and not just, you know, medication is necessary in certain

Starting point is 01:05:15 circumstances. Like, I'm not against medication in any way, shape, or form. But to, you know, replace one drug with another and then, like, someone is stuck on something their entire life is just not healthy. And there's just, there's so much trauma that is, like, rooted at the core of addiction. And it's like, how can we, and I know, like, we don't necessarily have all the resources for it, but, like, how can we help treat people's, like, trauma and the things they've gone through and like normalize conversations around it and not make them feel like they have to like bottle up all these things forever because I think like a lot of my addiction had to do with like my self-worth. Like I had very low self-worth for many, many years and just, you know, the way I viewed men and like

Starting point is 01:05:55 my relationships and just I was super codependent on a lot of people. And I used substances to really soothe my emotions to make me more confident because like I was just not confident in myself. and it wasn't until like walking in true sobriety that I'm able to like actually learn who I truly am and like get to like really love myself. And it's like treating addiction doesn't just look like I mean rehab is a great thing. I think rehab is wonderful. I think that is a great resource. But it like looks like treating the deep emotional healing that's needed in like recovery programs. And I'm really passionate about like trying to get those types of things like implemented into different recovery programs. and now I'm over a year clean and sober and caffeine is the only thing that I will that I will drink.

Starting point is 01:06:39 And I don't partake in anything that could be potentially mind altering. I'm like, I learned my lesson. And some people ask, like, do you still take Kava since you never had like a problem with it? And I'm like, no, absolutely not. I'm just like frankly traumatized. So I don't take it. Especially seeing what it can do and, you know, excessive doses with the dry skin and everything like that. I do have a question.

Starting point is 01:07:00 Did you ever reach out to the company? yeah so I did not reach out to the company. People ask me out, they're like, have they reached out to you? Did you reach out? And I have heard from people who have worked for feel free and have worked for the company that have like reached out to me on TikTok. They've gone on podcast and kind of talked about like what it's like to actually work for the company and kind of like the deceptiveness around it and that it's not

Starting point is 01:07:26 spoken about as something that could ever be addictive. Like at the company, they're still talking. about the product like they do to like the general public. They're like, this is similar to like, they'll, they'll make you feel shamed basically. If you come to, you know, some like someone higher up and say, I'm addicted to these, they will like gaslight you and be like, no, you're not. Like, this is not an addictive product. So I, I truly believe that like God is the one that will serve justice. Like, I don't feel like I necessarily need to like, you know, yeah, boycott or reach out to the company. Like, I think justice will be served. But there was a class action lawsuit.

Starting point is 01:08:02 against the company or there still is, I think. And I submitted my information, haven't heard a lot back yet. But I'm, like, very much encouraging people to submit all their information. You can submit your receipts and different things like that. So it's, the website is feel free classaction.com, I think. And you can go there and, like, submit your information. And that's what I, that's like the action I want to take. And like, yeah, as far as the company, like, I, I'm a true believer of like forgiveness and that, like, even if someone is wrong to you, like, you're supposed to treat them with kindness and, like, love and I just know that like hurt people hurt people and like that's kind of how I view the founder of the company. It's like you can be so angry and so just like distraught that someone would create a

Starting point is 01:08:41 product like this. But like I just, I want to practice the same forgiveness that God has shown me. And like that's a really hard thing to do, especially when you feel like someone has wronged you so deeply. But that's just kind of how I view the company. And like I truly believe my job is to educate and not to be like angry and condemn and just be like, oh, screw you. Like that's just I want to be. able to help people out of this more than anything. And the website and the bottle, do they mention anything, like a warning that this product could become addictive or no? So it says, it did not use to say this, but it says it's habit forming. It does not say addictive anywhere on the bottle. You do have to be 21 years old now to buy it at the time that I first got hooked.

Starting point is 01:09:24 You could be any age to buy it, which is really crazy and dangerous to think about. But there was no serving size in the bottle back at that time. too. There actually used to be a stronger version of the bottle, like more potent. And then they like, like, um, kind of diluted the potency a little bit and they have like different types of bottles now. But yeah, there's just like very, very little regulation about it. And yeah, you can still get them at like gas stations and CBD stores. They are no longer sold at these like high in wellness shops. I, I think they very quickly caught on that, especially after the, the lawsuit with that guy that I was talking about earlier, that's when they were, they actually were taken out of like all stores for a period of time. And this was like

Starting point is 01:10:07 when I started to become addicted to them. And I was like kind of freaking out. I drove to like multiple gas stations. I was like, where are the fuel freeze? They're like they haven't brought them back. And like, I don't know when they'll be back. And at that time, too, I kind of took that as a sign. I'm like, okay, maybe I'm supposed to quit. And then they started coming back into stores and I just started taking them again. And it's really sad because there's, there are a lot of similar products now too that are marketed in the same way. And it's, the more I've learned about this industry is that when one product gets banned or regulated, a new product will come on the market that's similar. It's like, it's kind of like a problem that I don't know will ever be solved. But there are, yeah, like different things. There's another,

Starting point is 01:10:44 there's like different shots that will kind of be like off brand of feel free. They're like mood booster euphoria. There's this brand called New Brew, which is a like beverage drink. It's like in a soda can. And there was actually a famous influencer. I forgot. her name was, but she started, I think it was Emmy is her name. And she would, she drank these, like, I don't know if it was New Brew, but it was a similar brand, but she was drinking them every day. And she had no idea that they were like a drug essentially. And she's like, she made a TikTok video and she was like, guys, I was telling my friends about these drinks. I was like, you got to get on this. This is making me feel good. And she was like, this is like heroin in a, in a can.

Starting point is 01:11:23 In a can. Yeah. So it's just, it's crazy. And it's definitely a, very, very important to spread awareness because I think that it's very easy to innocently, you know, lean on other things or try things. And especially when we do live in a society to this day that people really do rely on something to be social. And I think that if it's not alcohol, it's something else because so many people are drinking and it feels, it almost is like this need to have something in your hand. Yeah. Because everybody else does. Yeah. And it's unfortunate. that it is such a alcohol in general, it's such a social thing. It's like even to this day if I hear from somebody, it's like, oh, we should grab drinks.

Starting point is 01:12:07 Why does it have to be that? You know, like, why can't it be coffee or like, why can't it just be like, let's take a walk, you know? Yeah. It's just such a common thing. It's such a icebreaker for people. It's liquid courage. Like, you know, even like you mentioned in the beginning of your addiction with these drinks,

Starting point is 01:12:23 it was like you were kind of thriving in a way. Yeah. So I think that that can easily make something, you know, you become. so dependent on it in so many different settings and environments because it's it becomes easier. It makes certain certain things easier in life. Yeah, that's so true because it's people talk about creatum extracts is there's this honeymoon phase where everything is going great and you're like, this is amazing and this is how it's going to be forever. And then one day you're drinking 10 bottles a day and you're like, I don't know how I got here. And I think that's a really good point that you

Starting point is 01:12:54 made about just everyone having some sort of like vice, like whatever it is. is it could be alcohol, smoking, whatever, but it is, it is such a hard thing to live fully sober and not depend on a substance. And I'm, I'm not against like having a drink, especially people can moderate their drinking. I'm like, go for it. Um, but if it's something that is, you know, blocking you from living to be like the truest version of yourself and you can't, you're not tapping into like something deep within. And like for me, that was my relationship with the Lord. It's like, it's like I luckily wanted to have that badly enough and like he convicted me enough to be able to stop but like it's not easy to do that like it is I never thought I would be fully sober in a

Starting point is 01:13:36 million years I was like I used to make fun of sober people and be like how does someone just like not do anything like it's what a boring life to live and it's I saw a TikTok where this girl was like the hardest drug you will ever do is full sobriety I was like that is so true because you're just faced with all of your emotions you're faced with all your trauma You can't mask anything. No, you can't. But it's like, I encourage it so much because it is the most freeing thing I've ever done for myself. And it's like just this wonderful thing.

Starting point is 01:14:05 I get to just live life truly to the fullest be so present. I feel like I have more time in the day. I mean, of course, not having hangovers or like getting sick is a wonderful thing too. But yeah, it's just, it's been really cool. And now I help lead a recovery program at my church. And it's more of like an all-encompassing recovery program. So it's not just for like drug or alcohol addiction. it's for like childhood trauma, like porn addiction, eating disorders, codependency.

Starting point is 01:14:29 You can literally bring whatever you have to the table. And it's more about that like in-depth healing. And there's like a 15 week step study program where you go through like self inventory and you're able to really like look into the root causes of addictions or like just things that you're dealing with. And the way I look at it is like we're never fully recovered. Like we're constant. Everyone has like their things that they're going through.

Starting point is 01:14:52 And like no one is ever going to get to a point where they're like, I'm perfect. I've recovered from everything. Like new things are going to continue to come up. So it's like it is so important to continue to do that self work for that reason. And yeah, like it, you know, with as far as Kratom, it's completely illegal in some states. It's like Alabama, completely illegal and it's, you know, completely unregulated in other states. So I know like states like Florida, they have a lot of like Kratem Kava bars and different things and a lot of people getting hooked on it. And I would just like to see more regulation and education. Like I don't necessarily think cratum should be completely illegal.

Starting point is 01:15:28 Like if it's something that is dosed properly by a medical professional, like I think that's fine. But I just don't think that it should be able to be easily purchased at a CBD store or gas station, even with an age limit because it's like, you know, addictive products or addictive products. And yeah, I just will never stop sharing my story. And it's like sometimes I feel like I talk about it so much on social media. but I'm like it just is so important to keep bringing awareness to this and like this problem is not going away. And like I just, I get comments from people saying, you know, I was going to try this

Starting point is 01:16:02 product. Then I saw your video and now I'm not going to buy it. And I'm like, that's amazing because I don't want you to go down the same path. And then some people will say, oh, well, like, you make it sound good. Like I want to try it. And I'm like, it was good for a time period. But please be careful. Like, please do your research. If you fully research this product and you decide you still want to take it, you're an adult. You can do. whatever you want to do, you know. But yeah, I'm just, yeah, happy that I got to, you know, be here and share my story. And, you know, thank you for allowing me to do that. Yeah. You did. I said, really, you did incredible. Thank you. I hope that was long enough too.

Starting point is 01:16:35 No, it was an hour 20. You did great. Perfect. No, and it was so, so, we were so organized and amazing. Thank you. Of course. No, and I, like I said before, the awareness is so important, but also the fact that I'm sure it feels really good and fulfilling within yourself, like very full circle to know that, you know, some people are going to stumble across your story and it could prevent them from a whole, you know, a year or two years of ruining their lives or completely going backwards, you know, and what starts as something innocent can easily turn very dark, very fast. And your story is a prime example of that. And, you know, it sucks because you made this decision to do something so good for yourself by going sober and you're innocently

Starting point is 01:17:17 looking for like a mock tail in a way, like something that's going to like, you know, just, I guess you could say fill the void, but at the same time, that's not what your mindset is. Like, you're just like, what else can I do? That's like a healthier version. And, you know, there are things like that out there. And it's, it's dangerous and it's important to spread awareness and talk about it. And I think you did an amazing job with that. And I don't think you should stop sharing your story because there's a lot of important aspects in there. And I think, you know, besides just this product, the point that you spoke on about the shame and the guilt. And a lot of people feel that in all different types and forms of addiction.

Starting point is 01:17:52 And it's something. And I think it's a stigma that needs to be broken. Like there's, we don't have to feel shameful. Like at the end of the day, we're all just human. Exactly. You know, no one person is better than another person. You know, everybody is dealing with something different. Some things might be more serious than others.

Starting point is 01:18:09 But no one is perfect. Like everybody's dealing with something and going through something. Everybody has their shit. So, you know, you did an amazing job. but I'm so happy that you wanted to come on this platform and share it. So thank you so much. Seriously, you did incredible.

We're All Insane - Addicted to Gas Station Heroin

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