We're All Insane - Addicted to Meth

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

CW: This episode contains descriptions of drug use, CSA, DV, and suicide. Methamphetamine, or meth, is a highly addictive stimulant that affects the central nervous system. It leads to intense euphoria, increased energy, but has severe dangers. Meth abuse causes physical and mental health issues, addiction, cognitive impairments, and the production process is hazardous. Growing up with a parent grappling with drug addiction can be an incredibly difficult and tumultuous experience for a child. The constant instability, neglect, and unpredictable behavior can leave profound emotional scars, impacting their development and well-being. Tragically, some individuals who grew up in such environments may find themselves vulnerable to addiction later in life. Breaking free from this harrowing journey requires immense strength, resilience, professional help, therapy, and a strong support network. Overcoming addiction and finding a healthier path to recovery and self-discovery is possible with the right resources and determination.  Hannah: https://www.instagram.com/hannahbray1293/ https://www.tiktok.com/@hannahbray1293 If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me DeVora. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, my name is Hannah. I am a recovered meth addict. I am also a sexual slash domestic abuse survivor. So my story starts pretty early on. Both of my parents were heavily addicted to drugs whenever I was born and like hard drugs, like crack cocaine, cocaine, methamphetamine. My mom's drug of choice were opiates. She loved Loritabs, OxyContin, just pretty much anything that they could get their hands on. They were going to do it. And they had been strung out for a while.

So I have an older sister. She's two years older than I am. And they were also addicted to drugs whenever she was born. So basically she was sent to go live with my mom's mom, so my grandma on my mom's side. And whenever I was born, they weren't able to take care of me. So I was sent to go live with my mom's dad, so my granddad. I was also born in Perry, Georgia, which is like kind of the middle of nowhere. There's a lot of agriculture, farming's really big there. It's kind of like the epitome of every country song you've ever heard. Like that's where my family's from. very, very conservative, super conservative. So whenever my mom and dad got addicted to drugs,

like my family completely shun them out. They were like absolutely not. Right. So when you guys, not to interrupt you. No, no, yeah. So they were taking drugs when she or your mom was taking drugs when she was pregnant. Yes. With both of you and your sister?

I'm not sure about my sister. I know that she had taken pills while she was pregnant with me. Okay. But I don't think that it was over the whole course of the prehist. pregnancy. I'm pretty sure it was just like maybe a few times. So does that have an effect when the babies are born? My sister had a stroke when she was born. So she must have probably done it while my sister was in her belly too because my sister had a stroke when she was born. She also had water on her head. And she was basically told that she would never like walk or live a normal life. But she's actually,

you know, doing pretty okay. But I think I got really lucky. I think I got super deeper lucky because we touched on it. I have anxiety and stuff like that. But as far as like any like physical disabilities and stuff, like I was good to go. And like I've heard stories about whenever I was in their care, because it was only for probably like six months. But they would like rob houses to make money to buy more drugs. And I would be like one year old like in the back seat of the car, like in my little car seat. And my mom would like always bring me back like a little trinket or something for whatever house they robbed just so messed up. But I would be so excited to see like, oh, what is she going to bring me today? Like whatever. But it was very short-lived. So I was sent to go live

with my granddaddy. He lived four hours north of the rest of my family in North Georgia, so kind of like the mountain area. And things were fairly normal, I would say, for the first like four years of my life. So my mom actually came up to North Georgia to live with us whenever I went to go live with my granddaddy. She left my dad. My dad stayed in middle Georgia. And I never had called. contact with my dad after that. My mom always wanted me to, but my Greenity was kind of like, you know, he's not related to him. You know, my mom's his daughter. So he feels kind of obligated to like have a relationship with her and have me have a relationship with her. But my dad was just kind of like this low life dude. That is honestly the reason why my mom is on drugs. So he was like,

you're not going to have a relationship with him. That was fine with me because my Greenedy was like my dad in general. So I wasn't really upset about that. It was, it was cool. So I went to school and stuff, you know, like first grade, second grade, third grade. It was fairly normal. I was raised by my grandparents, right? So like, you know, it was kind of, I was the weird kid in school. I always was. My mom was in and out of the house because she was still kind of in her avid addiction at the time. So whenever she was sober, she would be at the house. And then whenever she was like strung out, she would be gone. But my granny would kind of like let her go back and forth. Some people can call it enabling. It probably was. But I saw her here and there.

So whenever I turned five years old, my mom got arrested and she was sent to prison for five years. So I'm pretty sure it was an accumulation of like all of her probation. And then she was like violating all these like different things. And then finally I think they were like, okay, it's time to go, time to go. So they sent her to prison. I got to see her here and there. I had contact with her. She would like write me letters and like have like people like draw like little like illustrations on the front of them like Mickey Mouse and stuff like that. So I'd be really excited to get letters from her in the mail. And my greenity would drive me down to visit her every now and again. But it was mostly just like me, my greenity. And I did forget to mention this. He was married to his wife and that was my

Nana. So not the same grandma that was raising my sister in South Georgia. This is like his new wife. And that was pretty much how I was raised. So mom goes to prison. I'm still kind of in school. And yeah, it affected me, but I was so little. I missed her. But it didn't like really affect my like mental or physical health at all. So she gets out and she seems so happy and healthy and optimistic. And I think for the first time and so long, my Grinetti was like, oh, like, this might be it. Like she might actually like get her life together right now. And she had a job. And so she moved back and she met this guy.

His name was Mike. And Mike was a volunteer firefighter, very well known around the town, very, very well known around town. He also worked as an electrician. He didn't drink. He did not do drugs. And all around just seemed like a really great guy for her to be with. They end up getting a house together. And I think finally, after a few months of her kind of being on her feet, she's working,

she's in a healthy relationship. She went to my grandfather and was like, hey, I'm doing well. If you want to sign over custody of Hannah to me, like, I would really appreciate it. And like, my Grinidad is not evil. Like, he's totally going to like let me go live with her if I'm okay with it and if he seems okay with it. And I was totally down. I was like, yes, finally, like my mom's good.

She's clean. I think in my brain it was just not her being on drugs and not being on drugs, it was her being sick or healthy. So I'm like, oh, she's healthy. She's not sick in bed all the time. I was ready. I was like, yes, finally I get to go live with my mom because my mom was fun too. Like, yeah, she was a drug addict.

But whenever she did like intense like kind of like uppers, she would be like, let's go do things, like kind of like a kid. Like let's go to Six Flags and let's go to the lake and let's go do all these things where I would get tired being around. her and I was like five years old. So I was super excited to go live with her. I move in. She ended up getting a second job because the place that they were living at was a little bit pricey. But I think she wanted to prove to my grandaday that she was doing good. So they got a little bit more of an expensive spot. But she did get a second job. So that meant that at night while she was at her second job, I was at home alone with Mike. And he would like babysit me and whatever.

So this, you know, kind of happened over a course of a few weeks. It was here and there too. It was like not every night he had to babysit me, but just here and there he had to. And it was chill. He would like watch TV. I had this big giant like desktop in the living room, which was super weird. But you like know back in the day like the big computers with like the hard drive and the mouse and I would play like pinball and like mind sweep and like all those little

computer games, you know. So it was fine for me. But over a course of a few weeks, I started noticing a shift in him. He would like try to come up to me and try to like ask me all these weird questions that as a kid I didn't understand. Like he would kind of be like, has anybody ever taught you like how to touch yourself? And trying to kind of like, I guess manipulate me into thinking that all these sexual things that he is talking about is normal. Like, oh, it's fine. It's normal.

like if you touch yourself like it's totally okay everybody does it you know blah they blah and i was so little i didn't understand right how old were you like seven eat yeah okay yeah i would say maybe older because was she in prison for the full five years yeah so she got arrested when i was four okay i was probably nine okay and um and i say probably nine because i've blocked a lot of this out of my memory so yeah it's hard to remember exactly but i was young enough and it got to the point i got really weirded out. I was like, okay, every time he has to babysit me, I'm going to act like I'm going to go take a nap in my room because it was weird. And I didn't want to be around him. The energy was off. And I could feel that as a kid. And so I was like, I'm just going to go upstairs and take a nap. And he would

be like, okay, like, whatever. So one day I go up there. And as a kid, like, during the day, whenever you have to take a nap, you know, whenever you fake sleep and you're like, I know, I'm supposed to be asleep right now, but like I can't. So you just like shut your eyes. That was pretty much me. And he came upstairs. I heard him walking up the stairs. He opened the door. And I had my eyes closed because I was supposed to be sleeping. And I heard like a belt buckle kind of jiggle around. And then I kept my eyes closed the entire time. But I heard a few noises. I was laying on my stomach and I like felt like a substance hit my back, like a warm substance. I'm sure you could guess what it probably was. and then a towel getting wiped off really quickly.

So lots of terrible things about that situation. One, I'm a child. Two, you're doing it while you think that I'm asleep. Like, that's even worse. And I didn't know about sex at that age. I didn't know about masturbation. I didn't know about any of this. All these things that he is doing is completely new to me.

And I didn't know how to react to it. So I kind of ignored it. But it kept happening. So you didn't say anything to your mom? Not yet. No, because I didn't understand it. And I didn't know what to say. And I think, too, as a kid, even though you don't understand what's going on, like you said, you can read a vibe and read a room and know if something isn't right or doesn't feel comfortable.

I knew it was off. I just didn't know what to say to her. Right. So it would happen here and there over like a course of like two or three weeks. Finally, the straw that broke the camel's back. one day my mom and Mike got up really early because she had to go to work and he worked like an hour after her so they just both got up at the same time and I had a little bed next to their bed because I had really bad abandonment issues as a kid like I was always that little kid that

every time I would go to somebody's house I would leave your house at three o'clock in the morning screaming and crying yes yeah I was really bad about that and I think that's why I have anxiety as an adult. But I was always that kid and everybody would always make fun of me. But I'm telling you, I would be screaming, crying three o'clock in the morning. Like, somebody has to come get me. And so my mom had a little bed next to their bed whenever I was like that age because it was hard for me to sleep in my own room.

And so I was in my little bed. And I was like asleep, but half asleep. And my mom's in the shower and he is getting dressed. And I heard the belt buckle thing. in. And this time he had quite literally, I had my eyes closed, he had put his penis, just like put it on my face. Just put it on my face. He didn't like do anything else but that, but that was enough for me. I was like, that is so freaking weird. And again, while I'm sleeping, that's, you didn't move at all, right? You just like pretend like you're sleeping. Right. That was whatever I realized,

okay, something's wrong. Like, I have to go say something. So the next day I go to my mom. And I think I said it like really nonchalantly too i think i was like mike touches me you know and she's like what and i'm like yeah mike mike touches me and he tries to get myself to um like touch myself whatever and god i just like saw the light die in her eyes because here she is like thinking like okay i'm sober and i have this amazing man he's a firefighter volunteer firefighter like you know that's so messed up that these it's always these like big well-known people that have the his secrets behind them. And everybody loved him. My granddaddy loved him. And so I just like saw the light die in her eyes. And she said, okay, it's going to be okay. Go to school. And I'm going to figure

it out. And obviously she asked like if I need anything and I was fine. I was like, no, no, I'm okay. So I went to school. I come home. He's completely kicked out. So she kicked him out. My mom is a very, very religious woman. She's always been a devout Christian. even in her addiction. Like she's been a very big Christian her whole life. And I think that her first thought in that moment was to go to her preacher and get a second opinion because should she have called the cops right then and there? Yes, maybe.

But the cops in that town are so twisted because it's such a small town. She had been arrested so many times in that town. The cops know her. They know me. They know our whole family. And so I don't know if they've. would have taken her seriously. Right.

And. Or even have cared because. And I think too, she like didn't want me to have to go through like the whole court process and like, you know, have to testify as a nine year old. And she just didn't know what to do. So she went to her preacher. And he kind of advised her to obviously kick him out. And he was like, look, you do not want to put her through court.

You do not want to put her through all that traumatic stuff. They're going to take her away from you. Just kick him out. Keep a close eye on her. and she might be so young that it might not even, like, affect her. So just kind of let it slide and just take care of your daughter. And that's what she did. So, and it's not like I, as a kid, was like, oh, is Mike going to jail?

Like, I just, I didn't really care. I didn't care to talk about it. I didn't care at all. I just wanted to get it off my chest. And I didn't want to be around him anymore. And she made sure that I wasn't. So, um, I would say probably like very soon, like two or three days after they, like, sat down and had that conversation, my mom and,

the preacher. I was at home and it was nighttime. It was like eight or nine o'clock at night. I was on the couch with my mom and we were watching The Simpsons. And I remember being kind of really happy in this moment. I'm like, okay, so it's just me and my mom now. Like, I'm kind of here for it. We're watching TV and like finally I get a relationship with her. And it just seemed good. Like it seemed normal. I felt okay. And all of a sudden you just hear like three large, like loud knocks on the door. And my mom's been arrested before. So like she knew those knocks.

And she said, stay here, baby. Like I'll be right back. She goes to the door. It's a police officer. And this like lady with a little briefcase, right? So the police officer's telling her like, hey, we're here to get Hannah. We've got an anonymous tip that, you know, something bad was happening to her here. And, you know, we're taking her from you, basically.

and it was really sudden and really rash and they quite literally had to like pull me out of my mom's arms like she was screaming and crying I was screaming and crying because again I do not do good sleeping over at people's houses and I almost thought oh they're going to take me to like my granddaddy's house because this like was all in like a 15 minute radius so like my mom lived 15 minutes from my granddaddy so I'm like they're going to take me to my green daddy's house so the The cop was really, really rude. He was like, you have 10 minutes to get everything that you need. And I remember I went upstairs and I like crying, like screaming, crying.

Like my face was red. And I grabbed my little stuffed animal and like a change of like pajamas. And my mom's like downstairs trying to like talk to them like, please, please, please don't take my baby. Like she was on her knees like screaming like, please don't take her from me. Like she's okay. She's safe. And they're like it's already, the court's already approved it.

Like she's got to go. So I get in the back seat of this car. and they drive me up the mountains, this like little windy road, and I get to a foster home. So they did not take me to my granddaddies. And I am pitching a fit. I am like, no, absolutely not. I'm not staying here. And mind you, like, it was a pretty foster home.

It was like this really gorgeous cabin. And it was like this old couple that were the foster parents. And there were only two or three other kids there. They were definitely a lot older than I was. But it wasn't, you think foster home. home, like kind of like run down sometimes. But it was a very beautiful home, but I did not adapt. I screamed and I cried the entire night. They put me up in this little room. I screamed, did not go to bed the entire evening. I just like didn't adapt. So finally they were like, okay,

this girl needs to talk to her mom. Like we need to calm her down because this was like a whole week of me just like throwing tantrums. And also I think I was a little pissed off because I'm like, why am I being punished for something that I didn't do? Like this guy did something wrong towards me and now I have to be taken away from my family. Like that just didn't seem right in my opinion. Do they know who made the call? I think it was the preacher. Okay.

I don't know. But I think it was because I don't know who else would have known. My granddaddy didn't know. Just nobody else knew. So I'm pretty sure it had to be him. And again, we lived in a very twisted town. So I wouldn't put it past him to have like tried to tell her, oh, don't do anything and then to go right behind her back and call 911 because everybody

knew that my mom was the drug addict. So, hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder? Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. Right. So instead of looking at where she has grown and like where she's now, it's more like Her past. Right. Right. So yeah, that was rough. So then finally they're like, okay, she needs to talk to her mom

because I was like, that's the only way I'm going to calm down. I told him straight up. Like 10 years old, I'm like, I have to talk to my mom. That's the only way I'm going to like stop throwing tantrums. So they were really suss about it, right? They were like, okay, we're going to let you call your mom, but you have to keep it on speakerphone. And you can't let her know that we're listening. listening to your conversation, which I should have thought was a red flag as a child, but I just heard, okay, you get to talk to your mom. And I was like, great. So I call her, I was especially nervous that day because investigators were going to come talk to me and get my side of the story. They did it because I wouldn't have to go to court and testify in front of a

bunch of people because he was getting charged in this moment. Like it's an open investigation. and they didn't want to put me in front of a courtroom and a judge. So they just had some investigators come out and like question me, but I was still very nervous because this was the first time that I was going to actually talk about what happened to anybody but my mom. And I just didn't feel comfortable. So she's trying to tell me over the phone like, hey, baby, like it's okay. Like it's fine.

Don't tell them anything that you don't feel comfortable telling them. Like if you need to wait, like wait, just say what you feel comfortable saying and then let that be that. and they heard her say that and they immediately were like hang up right now like you're done conversations over and I was like okay that was weird so they did come ask me questions the investigators did and I did really good and I told them everything they needed to know but then they ended up arresting my mom she was on probation at the time for something I don't remember but they arrested her for trying to persuade a witness and to not talking to the cops which is so not what

happened. She was just trying to console her baby girl. You know what I mean? Because I'm like super freaked out. And she's just like, just tell them whatever you feel comfortable telling them. And if you want to go back and tell them more, tell them more, you know. So that was pretty messed up. So she got arrested again. And I was stayed at this foster home for a good four or five months. And no, I never adapted to it. I did not get comfortable there. I had constant dread and anxiety every second of every day that I was there. That was a really, really hard time in my life. because I just didn't understand why I was being punished for something that I didn't even do. Right. Were you able to see your grandfather talk to him at all? No. Not at all. But behind the scenes,

he was actually working over the whole summer to get custody of me back. And he did. So he comes and picks me up and I go back to live with him and my Nana. And my mom's like kind of like in jail. I think she got like 30 days or something like that. So it wasn't crazy. But, you know, she did get arrested. So now like things are kind of like back to. normal, right? So it's kind of back to the way it was whenever I was like, you know, really little. Of course, I was little at the time. But now I'm living back with my grenadie and my nana. Things seem super chill. I think she ended up getting out of jail. And then she got back on drugs because all that sent her back into a spiral. Losing your baby girl again, you think that you

finally have this man that's going to treat you right and change your life. And then he ends up molesting your child. Well, I think too, like, you know, even as a. a recovering attic, you are still so fragile. And I just feel like one or two things that just like trigger you. It just feels like everything's crashing down around. And it was very easy for her to get triggered and back into it because she was barely sober as it was. So things were fairly normal as they could be.

Like my mom's on drugs, but whatever. And then migratty started running into some really bad health issues. He was like back and forth to a hospital two hours away in Atlanta pretty frequently. he had really bad diabetes and then eventually he ended up having a stroke. So it paralyzed the whole left side of his body and shortly after he had a stroke. And I mean shortly after like a week after he got early onset dementia. And that was rough because that was my dad. That was my savior. Anytime I was ever in a situation that I needed help or I needed like my Superman to come save me like that was him. and I remember being really little, and I would always be so scared of him dying because I knew that

he was older, and I knew that he was older than like my friend's dads. So I knew that he was going to die before most of my friends' parents did, and I had constant anxiety about that as a kid. And then, you know, he has a stroke and he gets dementia, and it's almost worse because you're watching them slowly turn into somebody that they're not. and it happened so fast. So he ends up getting home from the hospital, and we had to, like, order him a hospital bed that we put in the living room.

And me and my nana and my mom tried our best to take care of him, but very quickly the dementia just took control, and he didn't know who he were. He would scream in the middle of the night because he didn't recognize where he was at, and he died in front of my eyes without actually dying. So my environment changed very quickly because my rock is not my rock anymore. And I had stability through my nana. She was pretty strict, but she did not get along with my mom. She did not like my mom because that wasn't her daughter.

That was just her husband's daughter that's been addicted to drugs. And she didn't think that Grenadys should have let her in and out of the house. And so they were fighting all the time. And I kind of went a little stir crazy. I kind of got a little defiant because now I'm probably like 13. Okay. So like I'm dyeing my hair, all these crazy colors and I'm going to my friend's houses for long periods of time.

Like I was never home. I was like piercing my body everywhere. I wasn't doing drugs or alcohol, but I was definitely very defiant and I wasn't going to school. That was a big thing because nobody was making me. So one day I. I get out of school because I went to school this day. And I get out and I get off the bus and I'm like walking up the driveway.

And my mom and my nana were supposed to be there to like, I think I forget what we were going to go do. We were going to go do something while I get off. And my mom is like frantic and she's high on meth or something because she is like extra frantic. And she's like, we got to go. We got to go right now. And I'm like, where?

She's like your nana left. She packed all her things. She left. And I'm pretty sure that she took all of your grand. money because they had a joint account because they're married. And we went to the bank as quickly as we could. I'm talking like 65 and a 35. Like, because these little mountain roads are like you can go really slow on them, but we were zooming through those mountain roads. We get to the bank and they're like, yeah, she drained the account. So she quite literally packed up all her things after raising me for 13 years,

packed up all her things, went to the bank, took all of my grenadies money, and then just left. She didn't say goodbye. She didn't say good luck. She didn't say, fuck, you have a nice day. She literally just left me there. And in an environment where migratty can't even take care of himself, we're having to take care of him. And my mom is strung out on drugs.

And you just left me there. You just left me. So things got really bad. I wasn't going to school. And I ended up getting sentenced to truancy court. truancy court is basically where if your kid's not going to school, they have to go to court and the family or the guardian has to come to court with you. And they basically tell you like, if you do not go to school, there will be consequences, whether it be you get taken away or

you do like time in jail because that was a thing. And I didn't care because my mom, she didn't want to deal with me. I was being very, very defiant. And I was like kind of being an asshole. Yeah. I was definitely a big asshole at that time. And she didn't have authority over me because I, in my brain, I'm like, who are you? You do drugs. You can't tell me what to do. You've been a drug addict my whole life. So you can't tell me what to do and what, like, not to do.

So she didn't try to fight me on it either because I don't think she had it in her. And so I remember one time I go to truancy court. And the judge is like, look, if you do not go to school this next week, if you miss one day, I'm sending you to RYDC. And RYDC was a youth detention center. And I did not care. I did not care. I heard him say that and went in one year at the other.

Right. Send me. Like quite literally the next day I missed school. And so I had to go back to court that next Thursday. I think I'd missed like three days that whole week. I was missing an insane amount of school. And I get there and, you know, he's like, I told you not to miss one day. You missed three.

Yeah, you're going to jail. And I was like so taken aback because I did not think jail was even in the like, no way. I'm not going to jail. And he's like, yes, you are. Well, I actually had to graduate eighth grade that next week. And he was like ready to put me in shackles, like right then and there. And he made me do 10 days. So I was like begging, please let me graduate eighth grade because I was going to like sing.

It was going to be a whole thing. And he was like, okay, I'll let you graduate. After you graduate, you have to come turn yourself in. And it's so crazy because I almost felt like Canada, Montana, like I was living a double life because none of my friends really knew. Like I put on a really good front in front of all my friends at school. Like they had no idea what I was going on or what was going on with me back at home. And I didn't tell a soul that I was going to Juvie. I was embarrassed about it. But that next week, that next Thursday, my mom drove me up to the jail. I turned myself in. I'm like 14 at this time,

maybe 13. And they put on these like little pink shackles and like handcuffs and they were really tight and they hurt. And that was a moment that I was like, oh, man, they're really sending me to jail. Oh, my God. So we had a police officer come and like transport me because this RYDC that they were sending me to was two hours south. And it was a drive. It was like more towards like Gainesville, like Atlanta. And so this police officer, his name was Spanky. I remember Spanky very well because he gave me the lecture of a lifetime because it was like a two hour drive. We had nothing to do but talk. and Spanky had actually arrested my mom a few times. And so he knew who I was.

He knew who my mom was. And he's trying to kind of tell me like, you're such a good kid. You know, don't let your family and your home life get the best of you. Don't let this happen to you. He's like, go to your time at this jail. Come home and get your shit together, basically. It was like two hours of that. And yeah, I was like annoyed by it.

But I seriously, he changed my life. Like he really got through to me in that two hours. He really changed my perspective. And I was like, okay, I'm going to do this. I'm going to get out. And then I'm going to, you know, get my shit together. And Spanky has just recently died, by the way. He passed away recently.

So my mom let me know. But yeah, so I go to RYDC and oh my gosh, what a like culture shock that was. Because I'm in here with girls that are doing time for like grand theft auto and assault. and burglary and drug charges. And so, and we're... Right. And we're all young girls. Yeah.

So I get in there and they're like, who is this girl, you know? Right. So all the girls are like hounding me because I'm new blood. And there was only like 30 girls in this pod. And this was jail. There were pods. There was alpha, beta, delta, like gamma, like actual pods. But the delta pod were all like the younger girls.

And it wasn't like actual, like, I don't know, like chain doors that they close or whatever. It was like just doors with no lock on the inside. So you couldn't like open it from the inside. But it was this big room, two floors with just like pods on each floor. So it was jail for sure. And you had like wreck time. You had to be up at a certain time. And breakfast is now and then lunch.

And then you have more wreck time. And so I get in. all these girls are like, what are you doing here? What are you in for? And I'm like, oh, I miss too many days of school. And they're like, this white girl. Like, oh my God, immediately. Like, people were giving me such nasty looks. So, and my mom, you know, before I went in, she was like, just do your time, keep your head low, read a bunch of books and get out. And that's exactly what I did. I made two friends, rainwater and Nat. And one day, probably like six days in,

Nat gets released. And I don't think that she knew that she was going to get released, but they come to her and they say, hey, like, you're getting out. Go get your things. And she just throws a complete tantrum. Like she is screaming. She's like breaking shit, like tearing down curtains and just going ballistic. And I just remember being like, why is she?

acting like that she gets to go home and rainwater was like because she doesn't have a home to go home to right she doesn't have like stability here she gets food and a place to stay and like the guards know her because she had been there for a really long time and she was like she does not want to go home and that really hit me because I was like god at least I have a home to go to you know whenever I get out of here and I know it's not the best home but at least I have one like people have it a lot worse and that really put things in perspective for me. So I did my time. I kept my head held low.

I did it. My mom comes and picks me up and we go get chilies, I remember. Because I was like, I want some food. That's not like bologna sandwiches. So I was really excited for her to come get me. So things got really chaotic because my mom's just fucked up all the time and she can't take care of me and my grenadie is quite literally like dying in the living room and yeah from an outside perspective it was really bad but I didn't think it was as bad as it was in that moment so um one day

i'm at school and I get out and my mom was supposed to come pick me up from the like parent pick up and I was always the last one to get picked up whenever my mom would come get me because she was always like late every time and she would always like drive this like bust freaking like really bad car and it had like the windshield broken out of it. It was just busted. Like a whole like bag was taped over the window that had been busted out. And like it was just, I was so embarrassed every time she would pick me out. But she's like blare her music.

Like she's like blaring like riding dirty and stuff like that. I'm like, oh my God. So I was always the last one to get picked up because she was always super late to come get me. But this time she, I couldn't find her anywhere. And I was getting nervous. I was like, oh my God, what's going on? and a SUV pulls up. It's like a red SUV. I see my mom. I see my Mimi. So my grandma that lived four

hours south, the one that was raising my sister and my sister. And I'm like, that is so weird. Why are they here? That's just odd. And my mom is just crying, bawling her eyes out. And I was like, something's wrong. And I get in the car and my mom looks at me and she said, I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. I'm like, what? And my Mimi was like, you got to come live with me. And I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me. Like, no, absolutely not. I have lived here my whole life. I'm just, I think I had actually just started my freshman year. And I finally was kind of getting a little popular in school. I had a boyfriend that was like on the football team. And I was ready to get my life together because I had just gotten out of juvie. Like the summer was over. So yeah,

I had just started high school because the summer was over. And my, My Mimi, let me tell you, she is a strict woman. Oh, she is Southern and she is conservative. And she will, she used to spank me whenever I was that your mom's mom? Yes. Okay. Yeah, and she's the one that has custody of my sister and raised my sister. And she does not put up with anybody's shit.

I'm scared of my Mimi, very scared of her. She is not like the type of grandma that's going to cuddle you. No way. She's going to like eat your heart out. And she said, you're going to live with me. You can't live here anymore. Like enough is enough. You can't be here anymore.

This environment is way too unstable. Your mom is strung out. Your Grenaddy needs to be in a nursing home. Like nobody's taking care of him. To me, I was like, you're ripping me out of my home. Again, somebody's ripping me out of my home. To her, she was just trying to save me from a really bad environment. And I didn't realize that at the time.

But, and again, it was so abrupt. Every time I've been ripped out of like a, a home. It's been so abrupt because I quite literally had to go say by to my friends, which was super sad. I grew up with these people. Like, I'm 14 years old. I've known them since I was like three. And I have to go say bye to all my friends. I had to pack like my things. I had to say by to my mom. We had to put my grenadie in a nursing home. This is all in the same day. Like after I get off school. And then I get in the car with my grandma. I am like sick. I'm so upset. I'm sick. Like I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I'm crying. And she puts me in the back seat of the car with my sister. And we drove four hours down. I think we got there to her house at like eight o'clock at night. Did your mom go with you guys? No. Okay. She stayed because my Mimi didn't want her around me.

My Mimi and my mom have a very tough relationship. I mean, her daughter was on drugs for a really long time. And spoiler alert, my mom is sober now. but at the time, you know, she did a lot of fucked up things to a lot of people that tried to help her, my Mimi being one of them. And so she just didn't want her around me and it was probably a good decision. And I remember we drove down, we got to the house. It was like a little trailer that they all lived in at like eight o'clock at night. We made two stops. We stopped at a waffle house on the way. I didn't eat one thing. I was like so sick to my stomach. I couldn't even eat. And we stopped at

goodwill to get me new school clothes for my new school that I'm going to also freshman year. So it was just like a lot. And I went to sleep that night. I didn't really sleep. I went to sleep. I think I've actually finally fell asleep at like 4 o'clock in the morning. And then I had to be up at 7 a.m. to go to my new school that next day. So like it all happened so fast.

So I wake up the next morning. I start school. And this school that I went to, it was a private school in South Georgia. Georgia, super small. I had like 25 people in my class. It was a really, really tiny school. And everybody was kind of like, who was this girl? Because they had all known each other since they were like little. And I don't think they had a new kid since like fourth grade. And like it's freshman year and they get a new kid. And they all knew my sister. So they were like, oh, this is Heather. My sister's name is Heather. Oh, this is Heather's sister Hannah. Oh, my God. And it just like a lot of eyes were on.

me. A lot of eyes were on me. And, um, you know what? I adapted. I did really good in high school. I kind of turned into somebody that I'm not because this was the type of school. It was very southern, very, um, like conservative. And that's just not the type of person I was as a kid. I was kind of like a free spirit and this was not free spirited people. Um, it was almost kind of cultish in a sense. Like I feel like everybody dressed the same. It was like the simply Southern girl. and they all had the blonde hair and the tan skin. And it was just not what I was used to. But I definitely adapted.

I did really, really well in high school. I cheerleaded all four years. I was cheerleading captain in my senior year. I graduated senior beta club president. I graduated with honors. And I was like 10th, no, like six in my class. But I mean, out of 23, like whatever. But I was prom queen.

So I did really good. And I made a lot of friends and I made a lot of memories. but that wasn't me. That was who I feel like I had to be. And I also was a really sheltered girl in high school because my Mimi was so strict and so kind of Christian. She wouldn't let me go stay at other friends' houses. It was basically just school, schoolwork, and cheer.

Like, that's all I did in high school. And I did have friends. And I was pretty popular in high school. But I could never like go to the parties and like hang out because I was just not allowed to. So I was very, very sheltered. during this time that I was in high school, I was talking to a boy, his name's Austin. And he actually lived in North Georgia, where I used to live. And his sister was one of my friends.

So I had known him growing up. And I always had the biggest crush on him. He was like, I used to always call him my little slim shady because he had bleach blonde hair, bright blue eyes, looked so much like Eminem. It was wild. And he loved Eminem too. like obsessed over him. So I always called him my little Slim Shady.

But he lived four hours away from me while I was in high school. And we had a long distance relationship all four years. And it was a very intense long distance relationship. I mean, we talked 24-7 and people can say what they want. But whenever you have a long-distance relationship, you almost have to make up for the fact that you don't have that physical touch. So the emotional bond is really, really strong. And we were talking about like having kids.

and like getting married. He helped me through so much in high school. And, you know, he was like, he has an attitude. He's a bad boy. He would get in a lot of trouble, but I love that about him. Because I'm surrounded by all these goody goodies in high school that my escape route. It was a bad boy. And I needed that.

But he also was just really loyal and he cared about me and he loved me. And we had a very, very, very intense strong relationship while I was in high school. I didn't date any boy in high school. because I was so locked in on Austin. So I graduate, and it's like time to figure out which college I want to go to. And I have all these offers because, again, I did really good. And it's like I wanted to go for nursing. And I had a college offer me a really nice grant.

And it was a great nursing school. But I also applied to a college that was where I used to live, where my mom and Austin and all my old friends are. And they offered me a Dean's grant. And I took it. I was like, you know what? I'm just going to go back home because finally the ball's in my court. I get to decide where I want to go.

Well, guess what? I want to go back home where I wanted to be the whole time. Everybody ripped me out of it. So I went to my Mimi. I said, hey, I'm not going to Georgia Southwestern. I'm going to Young Harris. And you can be upset about it if you want, but this is what I want to do. And she was sure as hell upset about it.

She was like, do not do this because my plan was to move back up there. My mom lived two miles away from the college that I was going to be going to. So I'm like, it's cool. Like I'm going to live with mom so I don't have to like spend money living on campus. And I'll just walk to and from the college and it'll be fine and I'll be fine. And I was definitely looking at it through rose color glasses because that it was not fine. And that was not a good idea. But I just wanted to go back home.

And she couldn't talk me out of it. She couldn't tell me anything. So I graduate. I get accepted to Young Harris and I get my acceptance letter. I pack up all my things and my mom comes and picks me up. And the first night that she came to get me, we stayed in a hotel like an hour away because it was a four hour drive. So we kind of cut it in half.

And she brought my friends down too with her. And we got trashed in a hotel room. That was the first time that I ever got drunk. And I mean, I'll be honest, my mom got more drunk than I did. My mom was like blacked out on the ground, puke all over her. And I, that probably should have been a moment for me in my brain that like, oh shit, like this is my reality. Like my mom is an amazing mom.

She is so caring and kind and perfect, but she's a drug addict. And I think I forgot about that part. So I'm like sitting there like watching her like covered in her own puke. And I'm like, oh shit, this might not be a good idea. But I wanted to be with Austin. and I want to be back with my friend. So I just, like, kind of shushed it to the side. We end up driving the rest of the way.

We get up there. And I see Austin. And we finally have, like, a physical connection. And it was everything I dreamed of it to be. He's perfect in every way. And I was super excited to, like, finally have a relationship with him. And so my mom, the trailer that she lived in at the time, was just so run down. there were people in and out of it, meth addicts, crack addicts, everybody just in and out of the

house. And it just reality set in. I was like, okay, this is going to be really hard, but I'm going to do it and I'm going to go to school and I'm going to get through this and I'm going to be happy. And over a course of like a few weeks, I was going to college, but it got really, really hard because I didn't have any money. I didn't have a job. I was not prepared whatsoever. I remember I went to my first class. And he's like, okay, open up your books to chapter one, like page 52. And I didn't even have my books. And I'm like, oh, shit, we're supposed to have our books right now. And everybody's like, yeah, you're supposed to have already ordered them. I had no idea. Do you think that if you would have stayed with your grandma, that she would have made sure you

had all that stuff? Okay. So she kind of just like, she was like, if you want to go do it on your kind of thing. She was like, if that's what you want to do, then do it, then do it. But you're not going to get any help from me type vibe. And so I was like, well, then I'm going to do it alone. and then it came crashing down. I also started seeing a really big change in Austin. I saw his demeanor shift. He would get aggravated really quickly. He was a very aggressive human,

and he's always been that way. He had a lot of mental health issues in general, a lot of unaliving thoughts, a lot of self-harm. And I did know that going into it and moving up there with him, but I thought I would help him. Like, I'm going to save you.

I'm going to help you. Like, with me being there, you're not going to have all these thoughts and it's going to be fine. But I definitely saw a big shift. He was also very paranoid. So, like, one day I wake up and it's like 8 a.m. I'm getting, by the way, I had been up all night because all these meth addicts are in the living room, like screaming and hollering.

And I'm like just trying to sleep, right? Like, I'm just like, let me go to bed. I have college in the morning. And I had gotten no sleep. I wake up. I get myself. out of bed and he's like, where are you going? Because he was staying with me and my mom at her trailer. And I was like, I'm going to school. And he's like, no, you're not. Like, I know that you found a guy.

I know that you've found someone that's going to treat you right. And I'm terrible for you. And I'm just going to weigh you down. And I know you're cheating on me and just all these other things just accusing me. And I'm constantly having to prove to him like, no, I'm not. Like, I quite literally moved up here to be with you. I'm not cheating on you. But he just would never let it go. So I feel like everything came to a head and I went to the admissions office and I dropped out. And I was like, I can't do this. I don't have any money. I have a terrible home environment.

And I just said, I'm going to go back, but I just can't do it right now. So I ended up dropping out. And I started drinking and I started smoking weed because, I mean, shit, I'm around all these like heroin and meth addicts. If I drink and smoke some weed here and there, I think that's. it's okay. And so I started dabbling in it a little bit here and there, but I wasn't anything like the people that I was around. So one night I was home at the trailer. Austin was supposed to be home like eight o'clock, nine o'clock. I forget where he was at. I like go to sleep and I wake up at five o'clock in the morning. He's just getting home. And he gets back to the trailer and he's like

zooted. He's like, I want to. I want to change this whole entire room. Like, let's redecorate the room. I'm like, Austin, it's five o'clock in the morning. I'm trying to sleep. And he's like, no, no, no, get up right now. Like, I just want to paint the walls, like just acting outrageous. And he started getting really distant.

He started going to his friend's house for like long periods of time. And I had an inkling that he was probably hiding something from me. And I knew that it was probably drugs because I've seen meth and I've seen drugs in my mom. And I know how it makes people act. and you don't just stay up all night and come home at 5 a.m. wanting to rearrange a room. So in the back of my mind, I knew that he was probably doing it. But I kind of didn't want to believe it. And I kind of just like waited to see if anything else happened.

And I tried catching him in it, but I never could catch him. So finally, I'm a little bit toxic. I was like, I'm going to have a cookout because everything is so crazy around here. Like I want to have a family dinner where everybody sits down like normal ass people. and we eat good food with actual silverware and just like be a family. So we had a barbecue and it was some rinky dink little barbecue. Let me tell you. We had like a little tiny grill and this rundown trailer.

Like I was trying to make it something that it wasn't. But we invited some friends over. We had some beers. And I noticed that Austin had been gone for like 30 minutes. So I'm like trying to find him. I go to the very back of the trailer, very, very back. There was like this little back addict. And I opened the door.

And I see him. his friend Zach and some other guy, and they're all in a circle and they have a light bulb and they're lighting the light bulb from the bottom of and they're smoking through a light bulb. And they were smoking meth. And so I clear as day I saw it. So I'm like, oh, okay.

And I'm pretty sure I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, for real, after everything I've been through, my mom being on drugs my whole life and you knowing about that, you're really smoking meth right now. Like really. And he didn't try to hide it. he almost got mad at me like he did get mad at me he was like oh what are you doing snooping around here

like you know and it's like oh this is my fault gaslighting me into thinking that i did something wrong snooping whenever he's the one smoking meth in the back of a basement so um i was like you got to stop you can't please don't go down that road please like because i love you and i don't want to see you have to go down that road and he straight up told me no i'm not quitting and if you don't like it then leave me but i was so invested in him and i loved him and i didn't want to give him and i didn't want to up on him that I was like, you know what, I'm going to ride this wave with you and we'll get you clean and we'll figure it out. But he had no intentions of getting clean whatsoever. So he was pretty messed out for a good bit of time. And that's whenever the domestic abuse got

really, really bad. So he had never actually hit me up until this point. But he definitely got a little bit handsy and he would get really aggressive. And like I remember one day we were watching a scary movie and it was like maybe like Texas chains on mask here. I don't know. And he started like looking at me like what would you do if I were a serial killer? Just like getting really weird and like kind of like saying things like he's going to kill me. But I just, I don't know why I didn't find that as a red flag. I was like, oh, he's a bad boy. It's fine. And I'm and I love him and he loves me and like whatever. So one day, um, his mom who lived in Daytona at the time offered for us to go down there and see her. And I was like perfect. We need a vacation. Things are really crazy. You need to get away from all these people that are

doing these drugs with you. Let's go to Daytona. Let's have fun at the beach and let's get away. So we drive down in my car. We get down there. And she lived in this house where she was taking care of elderly people. So it was her home, but it was also like her place of work. And we had gotten down there pretty late. And I remember Austin was acting a little bit, I don't know, he was a little high strong. in the moment. I don't know if he was high. I also think he had manic bipolar. So I don't know if he was just like manic in that moment. But he was definitely like on edge. And something ticked him off. And he started screaming, throwing shit, breaking everything. And his mom was like, no, you got to get out. You cannot be in here right now. He cannot be here like this. Because she's used to him being like that too.

And she nipped that in the bud. She said, y'all got to go. So we literally got there and then got kicked out. So then we have nowhere to go. We're in Daytona, in my car. We have no money, none. And I'm trying to find the light in the situation because I'm always trying to find the positive aspect to it. So I'm like, well, let's sleep in the car. We'll go to the beach in the morning.

We'll like do whatever and then we can go home. Well, he ended up spending the last bit of money that we had on drugs from someone. I don't even know how he got them. And we tried sleeping in our car. But every time we would try sleeping in the car, we would get woken up by like a tow truck company or something like, hey, you can't be here because Daytona is like a big tourist destination. So you can't just like be sleeping in parking lots. You just can't do that. And so we were stranded in Daytona for like a few days.

I remember we had $5 and we bought a $5 little Caesar's pizza and we made that last for like three days. Don't ask me how. But we did. And I was starving and I was hungry and I was at my woodson. Me and him are arguing. He's down my throat. Finally, I called my, I have an older brother who I didn't talk too much at the time. And I said, I need help. I need to get home. And I'm tired and I'm scared. And he's scaring me. And I just want to go. I just want to go home. So my brother ended up sending me money. We get home. And that was just that whole trip was a shit show. So we get back. And he's like, hey, do you want to go live with my nana? And I was like, sure, whatever. It's better than my mom. So we go live with his nana, move into her place, which move in. We had like two duffel bags of things.

But she only lived like 10 minutes down the road. So it wasn't. bad. We had gotten in an argument and I left because I was like, I'm going to, I'm going to my moms or something. And he calls me and he's like, I'm going to kill myself if you don't come back. Like, he's like choking himself out too on the phone. Like he's barely breathing while he's talking to me, trying to scare me. And he's like, I'm going to kill myself. Like if you don't come here right now, like I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And I didn't put it past him because he always said he was going to. And I feel like he really did want to. And so I'm begging him like, please, please don't, don't do it. I called 911 and I'm telling them like, hey, my boyfriend lives

at this address. Like, please go check on him. He's saying he's going to kill himself. Like, I'm freaking out. And while, because then I got back on the phone with Austin. And while I'm on the phone with him and he's, oh, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I hear sirens like in the back of the of the phone call. So I can hear the police coming up. And he goes, you fucking bitch. You called the cops on me. You bitch. And I was like, I didn't know what to do. You're going to kill yourself. I don't want you to kill yourself. And he's just calling me all these names, telling me whenever he sees me, he's going to kill me. And then I really sucked up this time and like all this other things.

So they end up taking him to the hospital to get like a mental evaluation done. And I followed the ambulance in my car. And I waited outside that hospital for six hours while they did the evaluation. I did not leave. They wouldn't let me go inside because I was kind of the reason why he was in that position. So they were like, don't go in there and kind of get him riled up, stay outside. but I waited outside that hospital for six hours. Finally, he gets out.

In Austin, every time that he would almost like switch personalities into this like aggressive, scary person, he would scrunch his nose up and his eyes would kind of go dead. And I saw that look on him the moment that he walked out. And he looked at me. I was in my car and he comes to the door and he says, get the fuck out. And I was like, okay. And he said, get in the passenger seat. I'm driving.

And I was like, okay. So I get in the passenger seat. And he takes out of the hospital and he's going towards his nana. I'm telling you, a hundred miles an hour. I don't know how no one called the cops on us. Like, how did nobody realize he was driving so recklessly and so intensely and so quick and so fast? Like, somebody should have called the cops.

But I was so scared and timid that I just kind of sat there and I just prayed. I was like, please, God. Like, please don't let us wreck this car. Like, I'm going to die if we wreck right now. And he goes towards his nannas. Like, his nannas is to the right. He goes past it. and he's going down this road. It's late at night, like 12 o'clock at night. And the only thing down this road

is a place called Cable Island. Cable Island was kind of like a really low-key campground. And it's the middle of winter. So there's nobody there. It's also like midnight. So there was nobody out there. And it's really big. You can drive really, really far into it and kind of get lost. It's very wooded. And so he kept driving down, kept driving down. And I'm like, why the hell are we? we hear so that he finally gets to the farthest spot inside this campground, parks the car, and I'm thinking, oh, we're going to talk. We're going to have a little conversation. So he's like, get out of the car. And I'm like, okay, we're going to get out and talk. And so I get out and I shut the door. He locks the door behind me, rolls down the window.

He said, fuck you, you stupid bitch, turned right around, drove out that campground and left me there at midnight by myself with no phone, no inkling of how to get out of this campground, nothing, just completely left me there. So I was in shock. I was like, he just fucking left me here. And I'm like, okay, like, what do I do? So I'm trying to figure out how to get out because it's like a maze this campground. And I'm lost and I'm tired and I'm hungry. I just sat in a car for six hours straight. And I just started walking and I walked and I walked. And finally I found my way out at the campground and by then the sun was coming up. So it was like six o'clock in the morning. It took me a really, really long time to get out of that campground and like towards like an actual road.

And then I was walking like four miles down the road and I got to his nana. So whenever I got to his nannas, the sun was coming up. So I would say all in all, it took me like six hours to get to his nana's house just walking. And I get there and I'm so tired. And I like bang on the door and his nana opens the door and she didn't like me. And she's like, what the hell are you doing here? You know, she did not like me at all, no filter. And I was like, Austin left me like explaining what happened. And I said, is he here?

Because my car was there. He stole my car, by the way. Like how fucked up? You took my car. And she's like, yeah, he's here. He's been here all night. He's asleep in the back in bed. I said, he's asleep.

And I go to the back and I see him. He's sleeping. I'm like, the fact that he can even be asleep right now after just leaving me, six miles down the road in the middle of nowhere. And you know what? That's not even the most fucked up part. The most fucked up part of this whole story is that instead of waking him up and being like, fuck you, I can't believe you did this to me. I was so tired. I just got in bed with him and I just fell asleep and we just woke up and we just never talked about it again. So that was like the first instance of mental abuse. He didn't touch me. He didn't push me or anything.

but he definitely was like mentally like abusing me. So not even a day or two after that. Something happens again. And he's like, I'm leaving you now, right? So he's trying to break up with me. And I am so mentally out of my mind in this moment. I'm so tired. I'm trying to stay up with him all night because he's still on meth in this moment, right?

So this whole time he's still been doing meth. And he's up all night. I'm trying to stay up with him. I can't sleep. I'm tired. And then all of a sudden he's throwing all my shit out into the the yard, throwing on my clothes, like my computer, he just breaks it, everything that I own. He's just like throwing into the yard. Like, get the fuck out. I couldn't even tell you what I did. I probably

didn't do anything. Um, and I grab all my things and I'm begging him not to break up on me. I'm like, please don't, please. Like, I just want to like, can we just have a normal day where we're not yelling and breaking up with each other and you're not acting crazy? Like, I just want one normal day. And he's like, fuck you get out. So I get in my car. And it was so silent. It was like the first bit of silence that I had in like days because he's all. always yelling and always screaming and I just got so quiet. And I was like, what can I do right now to get his attention? And I was like driving down the road because it's going to my mom's house. And I was hysterical. And I called my mom. And she's like, you need to pull over because you can't

drive like that because I'm crying so hard. And I pull over. Where I pulled over, I saw a ditch like up ahead of me. And I was like, dang, I wonder if I wrecked my car into this ditch. Not enough to really hurt me, but enough for him to, you know, kind of be like, oh, something's wrong. Like, maybe I should go see her or like, maybe they'll send me to the hospital and he'll come see me in the hospital. Like, that's how mentally sick I was in this relationship. Like, I was willing to wreck my car into a ditch just so that he would come to the hospital and see me. And I blacked out. I turned my car around. I got in position.

I started going down the road. And I kind of like did like a little thing where I went like and then I like kind of like swiveled into the ditch. And I got into it. I was fine. It was like boom, it wasn't bad at all. But then I had to act like I wasn't right because I wanted to go to the hospital.

So I'm like acting like I'm blacked out. Like I had my eyes closed and five, six minutes after I wrecked like the police and the paramedics are like driving up somebody and call 911. one and they're banging so loudly on my windshield. I think they were actually trying to break it because I wasn't responding and they were trying to like break open my windshield to get me out or my window, sorry, to get me out. And finally, it was so loud. I'm like trying to act like I'm like not here and like I'm like knocked out, but it was so loud that I kind of like fluttered my eyes open like I was waking up, you know? And then they're like, are you okay? You know, all these other things. I think that they had thought

that I had overdosed or something. They thought it was drug influence for sure. So the paramedics were not very nice to me. They were like, do you want to go to the hospital? Kind of like that. And I'm like, yeah, like I want to go get checked out, like all this other shit. So they end up putting me in the ambulance. I go to the hospital.

My mom, my poor mom, like comes in frantic. She's like freaking out. Like, are you okay? Like I know it scared her so bad. And I felt really bad because I was fine. Of course I was fine. But I didn't want her to know that. And so she's freaking out.

First thing out of my mouth. Did you call Austin? Where's Austin? Is he coming? Have you talked to him? Yeah, baby. I talked to him. He says he's going to come.

I don't know if he's going to come. But are you okay? You know what? I'm just like, Austin. That's all I want to talk about. And finally he gets there. He walks in. He looks at me.

He says, you good? And I was like, no. And like, I'm crying or whatever. And he was like, well, you seem fine. Turn right around and left, left the hospital. So we end up getting back together like that night probably. I don't know. this is all so much.

And we're probably in the lowest part of our relationship at this point. I'm at a very low point because I cannot believe that I just wrecked my car for a man. Like I can't. But I was 18. I was young. I was really young and I was heavily influenced and I loved him with every ounce of my soul. And I just thought if I could do anything to not have him leave me, like I would do it. That's how much I loved him.

And, you know, but we're just still going back and forth. and one night he tries to take my car to go to his friend's house. And I know that he was going to take it to go do meth. And I was like, no, you're not taking my car. You're not. And he's like, the fuck I'm not. Yes, I am. Like I'm telling you right now, give me your keys. I'm taking your car. And he didn't even try to sugarcoat it. Like, I'm taking your car to go do meth with my friend. You can't do anything about it. And so it was almost like simultaneously, we both looked for the keys and I saw them and I start running for my keys. And I go and I grab them. And he yanks him out of my and he runs to the car. I'm running after him. He shuts the door, locks it really quickly. I got on the

hood of my car and I said, you are not taking my car. You're not. And he was like, if you want to play this game, we'll play this game. So I'm not even on the hood of my car. I am on top of it. And he's like, if you want to play this, we'll play this. So he backs up the car right outside of my mom's trailer. There's a really like long straight road. And there's not a lot of straight roads in this town because it's so whining. and mountain area. So this is like the only straight way. He backs up onto it with me on top of the car. He goes 80 miles an hour down the road.

I'm like, I left my body in that moment. I cannot believe that I was on top of this car while this was happening. I had no place to like grip. I was trying to hold on. And he would slam on his brakes to try to like throw me off of it. And by God, I held on. I held on to that car. I was like, you are not taking this.

car and it went back and forth back and forth the fact that nobody came down that road and saw it i just i can't because i was like somebody's gonna come see this and he's trying to yank me off at like a little rag doll finally he got pissed off because i'm like not backing down and he pulls you must have found somewhere to hold i found i found something deep down inside me that i was just trying to freaking live dude like i think i was just trying not to die and he's like getting pissed off now because i'm not getting off so he like turns back around he pulls into the driveway slams on the brakes and he gets out he pulls me off the top of the car he throws me on my back knock the breath out of me and I got really scared because this is the first time that oh he's like

really actually doing something to me threw me on my back knocked the breath out of me and then it's a trap house right so there's a vacuum on the front porch don't ask me why but he has me down and he takes a vacuum cord brings it around and hog ties me with this vacuum cord and ties it. And I'm squealing. Like I'm screaming. And his sister was there at the time. My mom wasn't there. My mom was never there, even though it was her house. She was never there. And his sister comes out and I'm hog tied. He stole my damn car. He sure did. He took it. And his sister was like, I'm calling the cops. Like, this is too much. You guys are feral and crazy and I can't deal with this. I think she was pregnant at the time. And she was like,

I'm calling the cops. So the cops come. I begged her not to. I was like, please don't. The cops come. They're like, what's going on? I'm like, nothing. Nothing. Everything's fine. They're like, well, we got a call about somebody stole your car.

And I'm like, no, no, no. I told him he could take it. Like, I'm completely lying to these officers. Well, my like elbows and knees and like my face are all fucked up, right? Because he just like basically like beat me up almost, not really, but kind of. So I have bruises and scratches. And so the cops are like, well, why do you have all these scratches and bruises? And I was like, oh, my cousin.

came over earlier and we played flag football and I just got these bruises on me, whatever, just completely acted like nothing ever happened. So, and you know what? People can hear this and they can think what they want. But until you've been in that position with someone and you are pushed to that mental point, you can't tell me shit because I've never been so low in my entire life. And I don't wish that on anybody else. Like I don't know if I regret it because it wasn't my fault.

I don't think that I was pushed to that point, but it was really, really low. And I went to a really dark place. So finally, I'm like, okay, time to kind of like get my shit together a little bit more. Yeah, I completely lied to the cops, whatever. But yeah, I think I was kind of at the point where it was just very, very, a very low place for me to be at. and I found the courage to break up with him. He, of course, was like, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to find you.

I'm going to kill you. And I said, motherfucker, do it. At this point, like, I'm so tired and I'm so mentally unstable. If you're going to kill me, then just fucking kill me. Because you keep saying that you're going to and you don't. So I'm ready. Like, I was finally just pushed to a point where I don't fucking care anymore. We broke up and it actually like happened.

So he's doing his thing. I'm doing my thing. I'm like, I'm going to get back with my friends. I'm going to go back to the people that I wanted to move back here with or move back here to be with. Of course, I wanted to be with him, but I wanted to move back to see all my friends too. So I'm like, let me focus on my friends, get out of this relationship thing that I'm in. I hit my girls up and they were all like, yes, like let's go out. Let's go to a party. Let's go do something. So there was a Halloween party that we were going to go to. I was so excited. I got all dolled up and they all got dolled up. and we all get in the car and my one friend is like, hey, we're going to make a little pit stop

if that's okay. I was like, that's fine, whatever. I'm whatever. So we get to this like run down cabin way up in the mountains, you know, and I'm like, what kind of pit stop is this? And she's like, oh, we're just going to go smoke a little bit of weed. I'm like, great. I could smoke right now. Perfect. So we pull up to this like cabin and there's this old man. His name's a Randall. Old man. I'm talking like 68, 69. Like this guy's about to with him. throw away. He's really tiny and like wrinkly. And he was like really weird. And we all sit down on this couch and it's me, my friend. So it's like four of us and Randall. And he packs up a little bowl of weed and he's passing it around. And then he repacks another one and he passes it to me.

And I hit it because I'm like, oh, it's weed. And so I hit it. I'm like, that tasted really weird. But whatever. Maybe it's like the strain. So I pass it to my friend and she hits it and she goes, Randall and he's like giggling and I'm like what the hell is going on right now and she goes did you put shit in this and shit means meth and he's like laughing and she

just looked at me and she said don't hit this anymore he sprinkled meth on top of this don't hit it and I'm just like what like why why would somebody ever do that especially an 18 year old girl so I'm like meth like when did meth even get involved in this conversation

but I was kind of like trying to keep my cool because I'm like not like you know like a I don't know I'm like chill I'm it's cool if you guys want to do your thing do your thing but I'm not going to do it so then he like pulls out a glass pipe and he's like packing it with methamphetamine and he passes it to my friends and they're just smoking this pipe like it nobody's business like they're smoking a cigarette or something like it's just very common and whatever and I'm just like whoa this is weird because I've never seen my friends do it in front of me. I didn't even know that they did it. And so it's like kind of like honing in that everybody that I know does fucking math. Everyone, my mom, my best friends, my boyfriend,

like everyone in my immediate life does math. Like I just don't understand how. And I'm the only same one to be like, no, I don't want to because I've seen it affect people and I don't want that. But they did it and we go to this party. I didn't do it. We go to this party. I meet this boy who's also, His name was Austin, so ironic enough. He ended up being my second boyfriend. He was really goofy and funny, and I just really clung to that because my last relationship was really intense and angry. So I like the lightheartedness of him.

And so we start hanging out, whatever. So this is like on a weekend. We have fun. I drink a little bit and then we all go home. So then the next week, the girls hit me up and they're like, hey, like let's go out. Let's go do something. I'm like, cool. I'm bored.

Let's go. I get in the car with them. we pull up to another cabin so a different cabin this one was a little bit nicer it's like two stories but you get inside and it's like super run down like trash everywhere like horders times 10 and I'm like what are we doing here you know and my friend I will never ever forget this she goes hey I just want to let you know that like we're going to be doing what we did last time and if you feel uncomfortable let me know but I do want to say like this isn't meth it's just crack so if you want to try it's just crack and I'm like oh okay

Oh, it's just crack cocaine. It's not meth. So cracks, okay, cracks fine, like trying to justify it. And so we get in there and they're all passing it around. And it wasn't anything like they don't get super crazy like you expect. They kind of just do their makeup and hang out all night and talk. And I tried staying up with them. I couldn't. And finally, I think I kind of got FOMO. Like I felt like I was missing out. And I was at a really low point. And I'm like, you know what? if all of you are doing it, I guess I'll do it. So I hit meth for the first time. Oh, sorry, crack.

It was crack. And I mean, drugs are drugs because they're fun, right? Like, it was great. It was awesome. You get this big rush of like energy, confidence. You just want to like take over the world. And I loved it. And I was like, oh, now I get it.

Now I see why everybody does it. And we made it like a kind of like a weekend thing. Every weekend we would get together and we would go do meth. And it was like, you know, just... So was it crack or meth? It was both. But the time that I did it, it was crack the first time. But then after that, it was pretty much solely meth.

But they felt the same, like each time. Okay. And again, like it wasn't like we would just stay up all night. My friends had this job cleaning cabins. And we would like go clean these really rich, nice ass cabins. And we would just spend hours because it makes you want to like deep clean and like really like, I'm telling you I had a toothbrush to the baseboards and those. bitch. Like I was really cleaning it. And it was really harmless and innocent as innocent as it could be.

And it happened. It's like a weekend fun thing. And then finally it started becoming more of like a every other day thing. And I think some of the girls realized that it got to be a lot and they kind of backed off. But me and my one friend, I don't want to say her name like Kay. Let's call her Kay. Me and Kay kind of went off alone with each other and we would just do it together and we would stay up all night. And one time I remember I had been up for two days. I lost a lot of weight too. I'm small now. I was like 95 pounds. It was skin and bones. And my mom's nowhere to be found. She strung out. I don't even know where she was at this point of time. So she wasn't in your life. No. No. And we're used to living in her trailer. Yeah. Okay. Kind of, kind of like me and my friends were all

kind of just bouncing around the different houses at the time. So I would either be at the trailer or at my friend's house. I don't think I was really at the trailer much. I was around with everybody else. But me and Kay would go and do it alone, like, with each other. And I remember, yeah, I'd been up for two days and I started seeing like shadows and like demons. And it got really dark and I got really paranoid. And eventually I started to want to do it like every day. And we started trying to find it anywhere that we could find it, which meant we were 98% of the time staying with like old men because that's the only people that would give us free drugs, which is so beyond fucked up. Like old men just having these 18, 19 year old girls around and you're feeding them meth.

Like that is beyond messed up. But it's the only place that we could get it. So she was like, hey, my uncle, he lives like 10 minutes away. Let's go stay with him because he's like the dealer and he always has meth. And we can go stay with him and like stay in his trailer and he'll give it to. to us for free. And I was like, perfect. Like, it just sounded like, oh, such a good idea. And so, yeah, we sure moved in with this guy. His name's Elton. I'll happily say his name. You had a bunch of underage girls. Well, almost underage girls. You're doing meth with them.

Yeah, his name was Elton. And he, uh, let us live in his trailer. And he fed us meth, like constantly. And we just cleaned his place. I remember one day I like went to go get my car. Because I was still talking to this other Austin boy, right? And he didn't do. like that. He did like hippie drugs like acid and shrooms and smoked weed and stuff like that. And his mom had a really bad issue with meth. So he did not do meth anything like it. So I was hiding it from him this whole time. And I think finally he started picking up on it a little bit, but I don't think that he really knew. So one day I'm like trying to take my car to go see him and I get in my car and it's not turning on. It's like nothing's turning on. I'm like, it's my battery dead.

I'm opening up the thing, you know, and I'm twacked out. So I'm like trying to like really get in there and like figure out what's going on. And I opened my fuse box. The motherfucker had stolen my fuses out of my fuse box to. The old guy? Yeah, to sell for more drugs. And in my brain, I was like, okay, well, cool. At least we're getting some meth, you know.

Like it was just so beyond fucked up. One day this lady comes in, this old lady comes in and she's like fucked up. She's been up for days. And it was just me and Kay at this trailer at the time. And she comes in and she's talking about the Statue of Liberty is going to come and kill all of us. Like I saw her in a newspaper and she talked to me and she told me that she's going to take over the world and she's going to kill everyone. And like I know her personally. And I was just like, wow, now I see the dark parts. Like now it's not so happy and fun. Now it's actually really scary.

And I feel like I can't go a day without it. And I've always been a pretty real person. I'm a very, um, I'm just a realist. Like I just see it. how it is and I don't sugarcoat shit and I realized that it was going really bad really quickly and um I mean I was even like I was at my mom's one time and she saw me doing it and then she was like oh you do meth and I was like yeah and she goes well we can do it together and I was like oh okay sure it felt really weird but I definitely smoked meth like twice with my mom and it just got to a point where we were like doing it in an addict. It was really weird. And I wish I could tell you more details of it, but it's such a blur in my brain because yeah, you're like constantly like

going and you're so hyped up. It's not like I'm on heroin and sleeping, but I'm, it's just all a blur. Like it just wipes your memory. But it got really, really bad and really, really dark. So this Austin boy's like trying to get me to go stay with him. And I just broke down to him one night. I was tired. I was out of meth. I was coming down. down and I was going into withdrawals. And I just straight up told him like, hey, like, I have a problem. Like, I need help. Like, please help me.

And he was so pissed off at first. He was like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, you're doing meth? Like, after everything that I told you about my mom and it was such like a full circle moment because I was like, oh, this is how I felt whenever Austin was doing meth, my other Austin. I know that's kind of confusing. But anyways, he ended up detoxing me.

He locked me in his room, like locked me in there for a week and brought me water. and food and just let me detox. And I don't remember a lot of that either. Constant sweating, throwing up delusions. I blacked out for most of it. Like I couldn't tell you what day it was, what day I was on, nothing. Like I just was so sick and out of it. But, and I wanted to leave. Like I was like, let me go. And he's like, no, like, I'm locking you in here. And of course, I was pissed off at the time. But that's the one good thing that that X did for me was detox me off methamphetamine. He did. How long do you think you were on it for? Like six months, five months probably. So not a long time, but it got, that's the thing about it is that they're like, oh, meth only once. It got really real, really quick. And it just takes over your whole life so, so quickly. And so then I started really kind of hanging around him, staying with him. Well, he sold weed pretty heavily. He was a top dealer in this little tiny town. And one day, I kind of got my shit together. I got a job. I met this. girl. Her name's Ali. Hey, Ali. She's going to go see this and love that I say that. Um, and her boyfriend was

friends with my boyfriend and they sold weed together. So it was just cool. And I felt like I was like kind of getting back on track. You know, yeah, I'm with a drug dealer, but it's just weed. And um, one day I'm at work with Ali and we get a call and it's Austin and he's like freaking out. And he's like, I just got robbed. Like some people just came in on me and just robbed and robbed me. And I was like, what? And he was like, some people from Murphy, which is like a following county, they wanted to come, like, I guess, steal all of his weed because they wanted to be the top dogs. And so they tried to run in on him and take all this stuff. Well, he didn't have it on him. It was this whole thing. So then we're all trying to get together. We had like this big meeting. Like it was like a mafia meeting. Like we're all

around this big table. And it's like Austin, Dylan, which is Ali's boyfriend, Austin's brother, who was our main supplier. He lived in California. So he was the one that sent it all to us. And I'm talking pounds and pounds. He flew all the way out from California. And we're sitting down at this like guns all over the table too because we're freaked out. Like these people are like actually trying to like really like hurt us and like rob us. And they're following us. And we don't know who they are. And it was like really abrupt. And we didn't know what to do. So finally, Austin and I decided we're going to move to Chattanooga, which was like two hours away. Like let's just leave. Let's leave this place. My mom strung out still. We don't have anything here.

for us. So we pack up our car. And I remember we were going to sell a few pounds to make some money to get on our feet whenever we moved to chat. And we got one of those big giant Valentine's Day bears, like the $50 ones. We cut open the back of it, took the stuffing out, and then like slid like four pounds of weed in there and then like sewed it back up. And we put it in the backseat of the car. We packed everything up. And we were just about to leave. And we were upstairs. All of us were at his house. whole group because we were all kind of saying bye to each other because they were going to move Ali and her boyfriend were going to move too because it got just like really scary and all of a sudden we heard like some tires skirting outside and which was weird because we're in like a very like

role area there's not a lot of people on this road and we look out the window we're all like kind of upstairs we look down and it sees people again and they pull up like three different cars and they get out and they have guns and I noticed they had guns and I said oh my god they have guns well, Austin's family lived in a little trailer like right there. And his first instinct, he has a little brother and a little sister who's like five and like seven. So he ran to them and his mom to go like make sure that they were okay. Allie and Dylan book it downstairs. I forget where the other person was.

So then it's just me upstairs because this all happened so quickly. These guys are downstairs with guns. They're like, like, come on. Like come out, come out wherever you are like taunting us. And everybody's running like little chickens with their heads cut off. And I didn't know what to do because if I go downstairs right now, they're going to see me because they're going to be coming up the stairs, like the bad guys. So I kind of go behind this little room.

These little beads came down over it and I hid behind it. And I tried my best to stay as quiet as I could, but I was scared shitless. Like you hear that saying, I quite literally felt like I was going to shit my pants in that moment. I was so scared because I knew that they were going to find me. And I was shaking. And it's like in a movie when you. you're like, oh my God, why can't they like hold their breath a little bit better? No, you can't

because you are so scared. Like you feel like you could hold your breath in that moment. You can't. And then finally I just heard Austin go, Hannah. And I kind of look out over the window. The dudes are still at their car with their guns. And so he's like, hurry, run. And so I just like start running towards the woodline because behind his house were a bunch of woods. And I just run like Forrest Gump. And I was running. Like I kept running. Briars are ripping up my legs. And we're just, like all of us are just running through these woods. These dudes are behind us with guns. And finally we get to a house and we're banging on the door. And it's an older couple. And I have, I have his little brother and sister with us too. And they're freaking out. They're like five and seven. How traumatic for them to be,

like having to run through the woods away from some bad guys with guns. Like that's so scary. And they opened the door, this older couple. And they wanted nothing to do with us. They were like, I don't know what you guys are into, but we do not want this around us. And I was like, please, we have kids. take the kids like even if you just take the kids like I'll go somewhere else I don't care and they were like okay all right well if you have kids like come inside so we go inside and they call 911 and um those dudes did end up robbing uh whatever they could from the apartment we kind of didn't have a whole lot over there anyways they left the cops come funny it's funny because the cops were searching the house the cars and everything because they knew it was all drug related they had been

watching austin we didn't know but they had been kind of surveillancing him And so I'm freaking out because we have like four pounds in the back seat of our car and those dogs are sniffing around everywhere. And I saw the dog get into the back seat and he started sniffing the bear and then just like walked right past it. And the cops were just kind of like, you know, you guys need to like leave. They told us to leave. Like we've been watching you and they couldn't prove anything yet, but they knew that he was up to something. And I feel like if we would have stayed, they would have done a big bus. But they told us straight up like.

and we told them like we're leaving we're moving and they're like yeah you need to go you need to get out of this county don't come back like whatever we got in our car i turned around i look in the back seat there's little paw prints from the dogs like sniffing around i cannot believe they didn't find that right yeah and yeah and and we moved my mom stayed back um and the rest is kind of history i ended up leaving that austin and i met my current boyfriend killian we just celebrated our five-year anniversary and he is perfect. He is just, he's my soulmate. I've never felt like I've found my soulmate ever, but I did. And I couldn't ask for anybody better. My mom's sober now. She's been sober for nine, no, no, no, six years, I think. Um, so things ended up panning out in my adult life, but

definitely a lot to go through as a younger person. So did you ever decide to go back to college? No, I haven't gone back yet. I'm stuck in the vicious server cycle. So, you know, people say that serving and bartending is like having silk handcuffs on because it's such an easy job. And it's not easy, actually. It's very mentally and physically straining, but it's easy money. But once you get stuck in it, it's like you don't leave. So I work at a fine dining restaurant right now. And I'm trying my best to save up money for college. And I do think I want to go back. But I'm like 25. So I'm taking my time with it. I do want to go back, but I don't have the money to go back right now. So currently no. Yeah. And I think too, like I always tell people your experiences that you have growing up, like both good and bad,

make you who you are as a person today. Yeah. So it's like it gives you these stories and these experiences and you, I mean, a lot of times it's like you might end up dipping your toes and some dark water. Yes. But like as long as you get out of the dark water and you learn from it, you know, it's like it's experience and it's a story to have and it's it makes for a relatable story too to a lot of people because either they've experienced it and and like you said too it's so interesting that you were on both sides of things like you were on the side of telling somebody like are you kidding me why are you getting involved with that and then you were that person yeah so it's like I think it really like you said it's full circle it really does kind of show you that you can easily be

on both sides of things and experience yeah and I think the girl that was on here last time was saying like, you know, drugs do not discriminate. They're going to find whoever they want. And you can be a CEO or you could be living in a trailer park and they're going to find you either way. But I've definitely like ran that course and I'm good. Like I don't have to. I drink here and there. But like that was my fun. I'm burnt out now. Like I'm 25. I get anxiety going to get groceries. My life has changed so incredibly much. So I'm okay that I went through it because yes, it builds character. And I'm really excited to have a kid one day and to raise them in a way that my mom did, but not with the drugs involved. Because I want to make sure that I mentioned

that my mom is a wonderful mother. And she is kind and she is caring and she is everything that you would ever want in a mom. I mean, like, I just talked to her right before I came in here and she gave me the biggest pep talk to because she wanted me to come tell my story. Because I had to talk to her. I'm like, like, it's going to be some bad parts and a lot of bad about you. And she's like, well, that's who I was. and that's part of my story too. And if that's our story, then we're going to tell it. There's no sugar-coding yet. That's what we went through.

But we both made it out on the other side. My mom's like a big cat lady. She has like four cats. And she just kind of like lives in a little camper by herself. And she praises God and she reads her devotional every day. And she's just happy and I'm happy and I'm really excited for my future. So it all ends up, it's a happy ending. Yeah.

And drugs are dark. Yes. You know, and they can take a really good person. and just completely change who they are. And that's not even who the person is. So it's like it's really sad what they can do to people. So it is. It's amazing that she's been sober.

Yes. And it's great too that I think that, you know, not great that you experienced it. But it's like it's almost like you saw it and you knew better. But then you still did it. But it's like now you can say that, okay, I did it. And I, you almost like, like you said, I get why, like you got why people did it. But then you also saw the dark side of it, which is like, I feel like anything like that can turn dark so fast. fast. Yeah. Yeah. I got it out of my system. And also, that was your surroundings. Yes.

I was just about to say that. You can know better and you can literally see somebody that you cared about so much go down such a dark path. But like if everybody's doing it and especially and I think in a party setting, it's so easy to think, oh, one time's nothing. Or like, oh, this felt fine. Like. Yeah. And then it just, it spirals. Because nobody ever said like, hey, we're smoking meth. It was always just like they just did it. And I also forgot to kind of. I've given an update on my first boyfriend, Austin. He ended up being in and out of jail pretty frequently. He took his own life, February 2021.

And I was the last person he talked to. Really? Yeah, he sent me a message. I think I was, I don't know, but he sent me a message on Facebook. I had him blocked on all accounts. And he made an account and he messaged me. And he basically said that he'd ever stopped thinking about me and that I was the only love that he ever had in his entire life.

And he thanked me for it. And he thanked me for being there for him. And then he did it. And then he took his life. So. And that was hard. Yeah. I'm still.

I haven't processed that. That's a really weird feeling to have. It's still a big part of your life. He was my everything. He was my first love. I loved him so much. And it's hard because he was my abuser. But I also just saw the good in him.

I think the meth. is what really sent him that dark direction. But I wanted nothing more than to see him have a family and a beautiful wife. Because I knew it wasn't going to be me. But I wanted to see him have that. And the fact that he didn't, it's so sad. It's so sad that his story ended that way. It really is.

Because I feel like if he got the help that he needed, he could have really changed his life and turned his life around because he was a good person, very loyal. He loved so hard, but his just mental health. drugs just got in the way of it. But that was a really weird thing to go through because my current boyfriend, Killian, like, whenever it happened,

I was upset. I went into a depression. A trauma bond is hard. And I had a big trauma bond with that man. And then he died. And it was just like, oh, my God. So I took it really hard. And I love Killian because instead of being like,

why are you so upset about your ex-boyfriend? He held me in his arms and let me cry as much as I wanted. Never pushed anything. He never was like, Oh my God, like how much longer. Like he was my rock in that moment. And that's how I know that he loves me for sure. Because he knew that, look, you just lost somebody that you really loved and cared about.

Like, I'm going to be here for you through it. So he's awesome. What the fuck is this noise? Is it a helicopter? I think it's like, is it a lawnmower? Well, that's good because I'm, that's pretty much. Well, anyway. You did amazing.

Thank you. I loved hearing your story. I think that it's crazy how much you experienced and went through and in so many different ways. And I think all of those things have, I always say it's crazy what going through as a kid, like no matter how young you are, can affect your life and, you know, how you view things. Absolutely. And as traumatic and sad as a lot of it can be, like I can't express enough. I just feel like it really does.

It can either make or break you. And I think that something that's so important in life, and I like I say this all the time, is that these experiences, even though that they're bad, so many people go through them. And it makes you somebody that's relatable and somebody that can also help others. Because telling your story, people don't feel so alone. And I think that's one of the most important things in this world is to not feel alone. Yep. And to feel like even if you don't know someone personally, you can relate to them and find and share some sort of similarity.

Yeah. You know, like, okay, like I went through that too. And maybe it's not because you could, it's so easy to feel like shame and embarrassment. Of course. Of things that you've been. I've had the most anxiety coming on this podcast. because I can, that's all I constantly think about is, oh my God, my boss is going to see this. Or my coworkers.

What are people going to think? Yeah. But honestly, you have to just knit that in the bud. Who cares? That's like, that's your story. And also it's better to have a story than to not have one. Yeah, exactly. The people with character are the best people to be around, honestly.

And it's, and I wanted to come on here because I know that at least one person's going to see it and be like, oh, I've been through that too. And even if it helps them, doesn't help them, I do not care. I had the courage to do it. Yeah. I'm happy that I didn't. There's probably people too that I always think that like listen and will never be comfortable enough to open up, but at least they can listen to it.

Yes. And like be like, okay, like I'm not alone even if I'm never like ready to talk about it. Yeah. I can. It's almost like talking about it with somebody but not actually like talking. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's a really safe space. So I thank you so much for letting me come share my story.

Thank you for wanting to share. Oh my God. Yeah. It did amazing. It was so interesting and intriguing the whole way through. So you did incredible. Cool. Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, of course.