We're All Insane - Addicted To Sex

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

In this powerful and candid video, Amanda shares her personal journey of overcoming sex addiction. For years, she struggled with compulsive behaviors that consumed her life and left her feeling trapped in a cycle of shame, guilt, and a need for control. But through self-reflection, spirituality, and sheer determination, Amanda found the strength to break free from the grips of addiction. Amanda's Links: https://www.sgi-usa.org/ saa-recovery.org If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. My name's Amanda and I'm just going to be talking about being a second. addicts and Buddhism I guess or just using that to help with my addiction versus like the AA or not the AA route but the sex addicts anonymous route well I just I want to start off by saying like I'm in no way shape or form like an expert on sex addiction I'm not a diagnoser of sex addiction I the intention for me

doing this is really just to educate and share my experience and to just, you know, let, you know, other people know that they're not alone if they do feel similar feelings that I have felt before too. That's really my intention as to why I, you know, wanted to do this to begin with. So I guess we'll start with my childhood. So I guess my childhood, for the most part, pretty um i don't know about saying the word normal but it was pretty you know normal in a sense where i my parents were divorced when i was really young um my mom was a single mom and we would see our dad periodically we knew who he was and all that stuff so that was fine but my mom being a young mom um and there's no disrespect to her because i genuinely just feel like both of my parents because

they were young they just did what they needed to do to just get by and survive so that's that but my mom was still very much like i just need to go out and live a little and do all that type of stuff and so like seeing this when you know i'm growing up like i feel like that kind of subconsciously started a little bit of my ideas about, you know, love, sex, and relationships and just like the value of it all and being a woman and using yourself to, to a certain degree to like find someone to take care of you, I guess. I mean, like, I think that's pretty much the narrative of a lot of young moms back in, you know, probably our mom's day and stuff like that. So, um, I think that's kind of where it started.

And also too, like growing up, my mom, she definitely provided like the roof, the clothes and the shelter and food and all that. But when it came to talking to her kids and saying, I love you and affection and showing what love is, like physical love, we never got that. Like my mom was just very cold. And I know a lot of that's streamed from her mom. and then her mom's mom, it's just like a vicious cycle, like, coming down the line. So she was just very cold towards us, was not affectionate.

And I do believe in her mind she just thought all she had to do was take care of her children. And that's what a mom is supposed to do. So that was another thing that definitely played a role into, like, after looking back at everything, why I seeked certain relationships with certain people is because I wasn't getting that at home at all growing up. So I guess we'll just talk about some pivotal people like on my journeys and we'll start with my first boyfriend. I'm not going to name drop him or anything so we'll just call him E for the sake of the conversation. So I met him when I was 15 and we were together for a very long time on an offer about 12 years. And he was my first everything, like lost my virginity,

first encounters, like everything, my first everything. And he actually set the tone for, you know, like my sex life and how I perceived what love is and everything like that. So without getting into too much detail, our sex life was. very well it wasn't loving i can tell you that like it there was no love making whatsoever it was very aggressive and very like uh just just not what you would picture yeah a loving intimacy relationship more like porn to more so or less yes yes more so or less and and again like i've never done it before. So being with someone who is into that and acts like that, or I don't want to say acts like that, but engages in intimacy that way. Like that's really what I thought. That's what

it's supposed to be. And then being with him for so long, and he also just happened to have a drinking problem too. So I just kind of felt like, you know, it's really hard to describe. Like I just felt very like my self-worth was crap you know like I didn't have any love at home here's this person that I'm with that's like kind of showing me all of that in a weird way and I'm just more gravitating towards that toxicity instead of just not I guess right and then um so we were together on and off for 12 years and there was infidelity on both sides on both sides um it was very very very bad because it was just like every time I felt out of control or there was an issue or I just I didn't like how I was feeling not just in the relationship but with life in general it was like

what's going to fix that for me what's going to fill that void for me and that's what I used sex for now I think I kind of told you this a little bit when we spoke earlier that I didn't I wasn't engaging in my addiction where it's like, oh, you're just having one night stands every night, you're just having sex with randoms and all the other stuff. It was not like that. It was more of a game, if you will. Like I would just kind of, you know, find somebody that I like chop them up a little bit. And then it would happen.

And then I'd be like, all right, well, you know, I got, I got my gratification out of it. And we're going to go on to the next one. That's pretty much how it was. worked. Being with E, I definitely use that as an outlet to escape from all of the toxicity that was happening in our relationship and everything that he was just kind of throwing at me. Now, I definitely learned a lot from him. Like, I'm not going to sit here and say everything was all bad because it wasn't. We learned too from a real. Yeah. Whether it is good or bad, we always learned. Yeah, I learned a lot from him for sure. And so towards the end of mine and Eric's relationship,

fuck I said it again, towards the end of mine and ease relationship, we had a son when I was 26. And before that happened, like him and I were kind of on Splitsville. Like I just didn't think we were going to be together ever that that was it. And then I winded up getting pregnant. And then we're like, okay, I guess we're just going to do this. So I get pregnant. Pregnancy was fine, super easy, no issues. And then I go to my checkup. It's like my 32-week check-up. And then that's when everything just went wrong. Like I go to my check-up, then I get sent to the hospital, and then like 24 hours later, I give birth, and then 18 hours later our son passes away.

And like, I mean, no one really prepared you, prepares you for that. And it's just, it's even more crazier because it just happened so fast. Like, just I went to work and then I had a baby and then it was gone, you know? And it's just like I had no time to process any of that going on. So after we lost the baby, be his alcohol, his drinking problem just got so much more worse. And I just felt like there was no way I could leave him or leave the relationship because I felt like if I were to do that, he would either drink himself to death or something

would happen to him. And I just, I really didn't want that responsibility on myself. I really didn't. Like I really just didn't even know how to get out. So finally, he actually removed himself from my space. He just left me two months after our son passed away and he moved to Cali. And till this day, like at the time when it happened, I was devastated. But till this day, that is literally the best thing he could have done for me because I know for sure that if he didn't leave me, I would have still been there 100%.

Once E left, I kind of had to. figure it out, you know, I was in, I was, well, I, I was with E in Vegas for a long time, because I grew up here and then I moved to Vegas when I was like 20, 21, and I spent like the whole time I was with him out there pretty much. So towards the end of our relationship and after we lost the baby, like, we did not, we were not really sexually intimate at all. The only time we were intimate is when I conceived my son and then after that nothing and then it just also kind of sparked this thing where it's like you're controlling my sex life like like like why do you get to control that you know what I mean like I don't know if that makes sense but it just like

fueled my ego a little bit where it's like how like how how why do you get to dictate when it happens and when it doesn't you know what I mean like why do you get to have that control over me so it's like not only are you having control of this entire relationship, but you're also controlling the intimacy, you're controlling, you're setting the tone of the intimacy. Like it was, it was just so overwhelming like with the control that I just, I couldn't take it anymore. Like I just felt like a caged animal to say the least. So once he left my space, it was like I had to figure out life without him and he was a big part of my life from like 15 to 26 like a huge part so life without him was a little challenging at first um but that's when the animal definitely got let out of the cage

as soon as he left i was just like okay i'm never going to let you know a guy dictate that for me anymore i'm not going to allow them to control that for me anymore like i felt very very passionately about that 100%. And so I pretty much did, you know, what I had told you about where I wasn't having one night stands all the time, but I was just playing the field in a very irresponsible way because I hurt people that really didn't need to be hurt. it was just all for my instant gratification of taking my control back and feeding my ego and everything in between that I felt like I had lost for so long and I also felt like I was still kind of healing from my son's death like I just did it I really didn't even know the proper

way to fix that you know I'm going to say in a way too that probably was like a numbing thing Oh yeah, yeah, super. And I mean, even when looking back at it now, I'm just like, damn, you know, why would you even think about using that as an outlet? But it's just, I just, I just, yes, control, yes. And then when my son passed away, it's like you spend nine months preparing for this thing. You know what I mean? Like, whoever thinks that that's going to happen. Like the probability of that happening is very slim.

So that was another thing that just completely took the control aspect out of my life is I put all my eggs in this basket to plan to be a mother. And when that didn't happen, I was just beyond myself. Like, I need something to center me a little bit to get back to what I'm comfortable with and my control and all of that. And yeah, I just, during that time period where. E had left, I was just a mess, like, to say the least. Like, I, my life state was very, very low. I just felt like I was just surviving, getting by, you know, doing what I had to do, and very numb, very, very numb. And then, um, another person that I'm going to talk about is, uh, well, his name is M. This is another, like, pivotal person in my life. I bet M.

A year or two after E left. And it was a situation shift in the beginning for probably the first year. And how old would you say you were at this point? I think maybe 28. Okay. 28, 29, probably. And the relationship was good. It wasn't a bad relationship at all.

He was very spiritually inclined and in tune. And I would say he's the one to kind of. spark this spirituality movement in me a little bit. So he practiced this religion called Santaria, and I don't know much about it, and I'm just saying this right now. I don't know much about it. I'm just telling you what happened to me.

That's all. So he practiced this religion, and he would share things with me about it and talk about it. And, I mean, at first I would just be like, but I always respected it. I'm always a big, big on that with people's practices, religions and spirituality. I always respected it, but I just never was just like,

whatever, that's your thing, right? So I was unfaithful to M2. Any time, again, where I just felt like I had no control or there was an issue, not just in the relationship, but again, life, anything, that's, what I had to run back to do to just center it all back to like feeling like myself I guess. Now, would you say that that happened more often than not? At that time of my life, yes.

Okay. Yes. Because I was, I just feel like I was very much so all over the place. I had no direction at all. Like I was in Vegas. my family is on the East Coast. Not that, you know, that really mattered, but it's just where was I going?

It was really grounded. You know what I mean? Like, what was I doing? Like I, and again, I had literally planned for so long to be a mother. And then once that just went away, it was like, well, what am I going to do now? What do I have to do now, you know? And then each time that you would, I guess, be unfaithful, you could say, or have sex with someone.

Was it just like people you were meeting? Or was it people that you knew that you would kind of like go back to? Both. Okay. It would be both. And it would just depend on the circumstance at the time and how much energy I was willing to put into it. Got it. And honestly, like even just the act of the sex, more times than not, it wasn't even worth a damn, if I'm being honest.

It was just right after the act, it's like, okay. So it was almost like that was your fix. Mm-hmm. Okay. 100%. It was just like, okay, I can breathe now. I have control now. I can do what I need to do now kind of thing.

It was just like taking a breath of fresh air pretty much just to re-center myself to say the least. Like a job. Yeah. Yeah, very much so. And again, like, that's why I guess my, the way I was moving was a little bit different because I didn't always feel that way. It wasn't something where it was like, oh, every day because someone didn't warm up my coffee, I need to go fuck around today. Like, no, it wasn't like that. It was just, it was more any time that these intense feelings of not having control or things were going off.

the rails or anything like that in life relationship anything it's like okay that's what i need to do to to make myself feel better got it that's what i have to do so with m again the relationship was good it wasn't bad but i was still unfaithful and the reason why i'm telling you about his religion is because i never he never heard it from me that i was unfaithful this is something he had asked his saints, I guess. He, like, asked them a question. Like, I don't know how it went down. So one day, I had went, I had actually flown over here to visit my best friend.

And I went back to Vegas. And I was calling him, calling him to pick me up from the airport. No answer. I'm like, all right. And then I finally had a conversation with him when I got home. And I'm like, you didn't pick me up. What's going on? and he was like, I need to ask you a question.

Have you ever been unfaithful to me? And I just, I'm just like, what? Like, no, no, no, no, never know. He's like, well, I know that you're lying. And then I'm just like, word, what? Like, I was just kind of beyond myself. And in my head, I'm like, there's no way this he's not going to know. And he told me their names.

He told me when. He told me all of that. You would have never known that unless you were there or I told you and I never told him that. So when he calls me out about this, like, when I tell you, my soul just immediately left my body, I was just kind of like, what the fuck? Like, are you serious? You know, like, I didn't know what to say. Right.

I really didn't know what to say. So the phone call ended. Shit, well, you got me. Right. Oops. The phone call ended. And I want to say I went to bed fine. And I'm just like, this will just blow over.

The next day, I was like hysterical. I literally felt so emotionally unhinged. Like I felt very, very suicidal. I wanted to do it. I was going to do it. I had every intention of do it because it had nothing to do with crying over a guy. It was just the simple fact that that message of calling me out about my shit,

something that I just kept making this behavior okay and justifying the behavior because I'm having a problem, that just threw me right off my fucking horse. I'm I'm I'm very big and my ego unfortunately that's kind of one of the reasons why I am a sex addict is because I do have a big ego and once my ego died I didn't I didn't want to live anymore I was like what what do I have now it's literally my protection it's how I get by it's how it's how I survive this fucking crazy ass world that we're living in and then once I felt like he took my shield away and it wasn't even him him. It's just the words and the reality that he made me see and myself and the mirror I had to look at and really be like, damn, what are you going to do about this now? And so I have a friend named Jackie. And before all of this, she, she's always been a very spiritual person, always talked about it, always into it. And she was the first person. I was the first person I

I called when all of this happened. And it's not even like something where I had spoken to her every day. It's just it's just it's just kind of solidifying that everything happens for a reason. Yeah. And I don't speak to this person every day, but I just had this need to reach out to her. And if she didn't pick up that phone, I probably wouldn't be sitting here talking to you. She talked me off the real 100%. Like it was it was like the.

next day on a Monday at 6.45 in the morning. Who the hell's going to answer the damn phone? Right. You know? But she did. She answered the phone and, you know, she talked me off the ledge and shout out to Jackie. She talked me off the ledge. And I mean, I will forever be in debt for that 100%. So that happened. And for probably for the first, couple weeks after that I was kind of licking my wounds like okay what am I going to do probably after that I was just kind of like licking my wounds a little bit and then I'm like okay what are you going to do now so I had always been interested in Buddhism always but I never like explored it or anything like that. Now at the time, I was working at a pain management clinic. I was a interthecal pain pump nurse,

not that that matters, but for the most part, I would see the same patients all the time. I never really interacted with different patients. It was always the same ones. And then one day, they told me that I had to cover for a staff member that was out, which never really happens for me. And I was like, okay so I was working in clinic and I ran into a patient and I just complimented him on his bracelet I was like oh my god that's a nice bracelet and then he hands me a card and then he was like I think this can really help you and it was a Buddhism card and I'm just like okay Jesus like all right so um I had went to probably, I don't know, maybe 20 introduction to Buddhism classes because I was just not convinced.

I was just like, you guys are so OD happy. It's gross. I can't fucking stand it. It's not reality. It's not the way that it's supposed to be. I was very, very resistant to that idea that you can be happy. I think too. all of what you were saying,

it's like if you did those things, you would be letting go of any sense of control. Like letting yourself be happy and letting that wall down, you're losing control. Yeah. You always feel more in control when you have that wall up and when you're kind of like, no, I can do it all in my hand. Yeah, yeah.

And it's a defense mechanism. Yeah. And you become everything for yourself. You're the man, you're the woman, you're the protector, you're everything. Yeah. Which to a certain degree, I think, is okay. But I think that, like, there is a time in our lives where we can let that down and where we don't need it as much, which I think is healthy. Yeah, yeah.

And that's good that just to piggyback off what you're saying, like, it's good to be, to at least let your heart be open. Because if you kind of vibrate at this level where you are always on the defense and you are always, always like the world's out to get me and I have to defend myself constantly. That's all that you're going to attract. Literally. Like, for real. You attract the frequency that you attract it. Yes.

I'm a very big believer in that. But to what you were saying, like happiness is about letting go of that control because, I mean, one of the things that they say is let go of what you can't control. And happiness is a choice. It's a conscious choice, excuse me, that you do have to make every day. And it does take work to do that. But that's kind of what annoyed me the most about Buddhism is it wasn't, you know, the humanity aspect. It wasn't like, you know, all the other nice things that I've learned about it.

It was just that happiness part where I'm just like, you know. It's so much easier to be negative than it is to be positive. And that's something like, I mean, I was stuck in that for so long of like, negative mindsets and everybody that's like, no, there's good out there. I just didn't think that. And it's taken self-work and therapy. And even all of that is still new to me. But it's made the biggest difference, I think, like really incorporating that in my life

and learning that being open, like once you kind of take your step into that realm of positivity and just letting go of the control, I think that you start to realize, like, wow, it is healthier this way even though it's we might not always believe it or want to believe it right right and i always say that too where if everybody could be evolved then we all would do it if it was really that easy then we would all be walking around here you know happy go lucky human beings but it's not like that because it really is not easy to do it's it's very difficult to change and it happens I think in your own time and everybody's on a different path. So, you know, I wasn't expecting to kind of fall into this more positive, finding myself

place. I think it happens when it's meant to happen for you. Oh, yeah, for sure. And, well, like, once I complimented the guy on his bracelet, I went to those introduction classes and again, I wasn't convinced at all. I was just like, this is not, this is not where it's at. like I don't think this is for me kind of thing but I still kept going I still kept Buddhism in the background for the most part after M called me out on my shit um Buddhism was always

in the background and then I was like okay why don't I look into what what a sex addict is I don't know why I thought of that word I was very resistant to it because in my mind I thought you have to be watching porn every day or you have to be having one night stands all the time and you know doing all that stuff and i wasn't doing that hey i'm jeremy schwartz from american criminal on this season robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder either way boston will never be the same listen to american criminal the murder of carol stewart wherever you get your podcasts or to get early ad free access Subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. You know, like that I felt like I was just doing what the culture was doing.

That's how I was pretty much justifying it in my mind. It's like it's all around me. Everybody's doing it. It's totally fine. So I looked up. Sorry, you're good. I think we're meant to think too that like everybody goes through the ho face. and I think that it makes it, it seems normalized.

Oh, yeah, for sure. And it's like, where do you set that line between sex addict and just ho phase and what is the difference? Well, see, and I thought about that too, where it's like, I don't have an issue with a ho phase. I think having healthy sexual relationships are good for you. It's just, it's a way to kind of figure out what you like, what you don't like, all of that stuff. I feel like it's important. The difference for me, though, is I wasn't using. sex for pleasure. I wasn't using it for because I like you. I wasn't using it to show you I

like you or vice versa. I was using it because right after that was done, that gratification that I had afterwards and the power I had over you made me feel better. So it's almost like I enjoyed making men feel this big and kind of being a little bit of a man eater to say the least And that fueled it even more to make, to get that feeling from them. Right. Like, oh, I hurt you. You know, like, I'm so sorry, but I'm not, you know. Yeah.

So when you looked up, sex addict, were you just curious? Like, what is it? Is this what I am? Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah. So I looked it up. And then I was like, you know, I'm very big on, like, I just need to go see it.

Like, reading something is one thing, but I need to go see it. So I looked it up and then I found a meeting that was around. I'm like, okay, I'm going to go and just sit and listen. Did you feel like the definitional mind, like, resonated with you at all? Or not really? Not really. Okay. Kind of, but not really.

It's because, again, it's just at the time it was just trying to figure out. Like now I know that I wasn't just having a whole phase. But back then it was like I didn't have all this awareness about what I was using it for. It was just like, no, I'm just. And not every definition. It's not one size fits all either. Yeah. Yeah.

So I went to the meeting and it was very interesting to say the least. Now, if I would have went to these meetings prior to even knowing a little bit about Buddhism, I would have probably made an ass out of myself. and probably cussed out everybody there and just it wouldn't have been good for nobody. But because I had this awareness of Buddhism, I feel like that tool definitely helped me learn so much from the people that were talking in Sex Addicts Anonymous. And it also helped me not judge them. And it also helped me heal my own self a little bit. because I didn't really like touch base on this in my childhood but I was molested when I was

younger and it happened pretty often and I you would think that would kind of turn you off from wanting any type of sexual activity going on and things like that but again it all just stems from control like not having control of what I say my body what happens what doesn't like it's all about control. And so once it became my turn in the meeting, because I was just listening to all of everybody's story and stuff like that, I did feel very empathetic to everybody

because it's like some stuff I was listening to was pretty hard, just the experiences that they were going through and the thing that they had done. But it was healing for me because I was like, wow, I almost feel like I'm in the room with all of the people that did stuff to me. That's what it felt like. And in a way, I felt like I could just say, okay, like, I forgive you. You know, like I really do forgive you because I'm hearing the other side of that from their end.

Now, this is not to condone that behavior. I'm not a supporter of it whatsoever. It just gives you a different perspective. Yes, it just helped me and allowed me to see the other side because even though, you know, they were doing what they were doing, a lot of them were also victims of being molested and sexual encounters happening to them that really weren't supposed to. And that really was an eye-opener for me to help me understand my own self and what that means for me and how I define it. And the guy had asked me, he was like, okay, what are you doing here? And I'm like, I really don't fucking know. I'm like, I don't think I'm as fucked up as you guys are.

But I'm just here taking it all in. And then he asked me, he was like, okay, well, what exactly do you think an addiction is? And I told him, I'm like, well, I'm not doing what you guys are doing. I'm not watching porn every day. I'm not fucking every day. I'm not doing all that. and then he was like and then that's when he told me he's like an addiction is not something that you do every day it is something that you are completely powerless to and that just i was like oh

maybe i i do need to be here and um so i went to those meetings for probably three months and they were very good very informative um i i did learn a lot from those meetings but it just wasn't for me. And the only turnoff that I didn't like about it was I'm, I think we talked about this earlier. I'm very big on your words, your intention, your energy, all of that stuff. And I just didn't like that every time I was at the meeting. It's like, I'm a sex addict. I'm a sex addict. I'm a sex addict. I'm a sex addict. Because it's like, yeah, but that's not it. That's not all I am, you know? And I don't think it's a negative thing to say, but it's just, and I get the point of saying it. is to take the stigma off of the term,

but I just didn't want to keep saying it. No, that makes it a lot of sense. Like speaking it into existence, you know, because I'm not trying to remind myself of that. I'm trying to figure it out and ensure that I don't do it. Yeah, exactly. So I went to the meetings for a couple of months, and then that's when I actually kind of sunk myself more into booze.

Buddhism and the particular Buddhism that I practice is Nietzschean Buddhism. And to probably put it in the easiest terms, it's very much about cause and effect, meaning that you put out the intention and you do the work to get it back. So it's, it's, I mean, it's really what saved me from all of this. Like, I don't mean to sound like all churchy or anything like that, but kind of piggybacking off what you said, like the control part and happiness, that letting all that go is really what it was for me. Like I had to dig deep into my Buddhism and my own spirituality to know that whatever fuck up I did or whatever thing I did wrong or whoever I hurt, I have to let it go.

You know, at some point you have to let it go. You can't, you know, kill yourself all the time for surviving, you know. And I was talking about. about this earlier with one of my friends where I was just saying like you you literally are surviving until your eyes are open like we're all I do believe that I feel like for the most part everybody's asleep and until you have a pivotal moment that happens to you to really excuse me like awaken your mind and take the blindfold off it's like you're not really living at that point you're just surviving and I don't want to just survive I'm trying to live you know like I want to be be happy and make that choice to be happy. But I also don't want to sit here and kill myself over

every wrong thing that I've done because there's, as you can hear, there's, there's reasons for everything that happens. And I do strongly believe that everything that's happened in my life happened for a reason, you know, just the times and the people and the moments and the conversations and everything like that. And that kind of fueled, you know, being here is I do feel like that is one of my purposes in life is to just share what I know and tell people like, you are not alone in that. You know, you're not alone if you feel the way I felt. You're not alone if you were doing what I felt.

And there's a way out of it. You know, I'm not saying you have to take my route, but there is a way out of it to see it. I mean, I'm 35 years old. You know, there's still plenty of life to live going forward. And I'm glad that I kind of figured all this out now versus, you know, back then. Yeah. Exactly. The thing is, too, is I think that it's important because whether it's a sex addiction or a drug addiction or alcohol or whatever the addiction is, I think that in a sense, they all are the same that you have no control over it. and it's completely taking control of you.

And I think... Yeah. They really do. Right. Because they think they're in control by doing it. Yeah. Well, just stop. Okay.

Yeah. And that's the thing. It's like you're trying to gain control by doing it, but you've completely lost yourself and lost control by submitting to that. It's a catch 22. Yeah. It really is. And I think that I always say, too, it's important for so many different perspectives

because one sex addict or drug addict or whatever, it's going to have a completely different experience and perspective than someone else. And I think that in this world, we live in a world where a lot of things seem like one size fits all, where it's like we put a definition on something, but then it's hard because you might not relate to it. But in some ways, it might be technically the category that you fall into at that point in your life. So I think it's really important to hear your perspective.

And because, yeah, like when I think of sex addict, I think someone that's having sex every day. Right. But like, and even you could say it for any type of addict. Do you think? Like everybody has their own definition of what they think it is. Mm-hmm. But something that I don't think people talk about enough is that control aspect. Yeah.

That like it's something you have no control over. It's something that's kind of like dictating the decisions you make. Right. And how you're feeling. And I think that it's important to kind of know that because there might be somebody that is struggling with something but doesn't think it's as serious as it is because it's. I mean, that was me. Like you said, right, it's because it's not the standard definition of somebody that's

fucking every day. Right. But that's not always how it is. And someone might feel really confused and stuck. And like, well, what's wrong with me? Because they don't fit the textbook definition of something. Right, right. So I think it's important to share the different experience.

And I just, I mean, just exactly what you were saying, where it's like, how do you know the difference between, you know, having your fun and not having fun and what. what's healthy and what's not. And again, like, I'm not against promiscuality or anything like that. I'm the last person that should be judging anybody on that type of stuff. But for me, I also know, you know, just with my experiences, that even when you do engage with intimacy or sex with somebody, that is a swapping of energies between two people,

whether people want to believe that or not. So it's like, and all the shit that they've got, you are absorbing to yourself and vice versa. And, you know, that's what makes it very different for me is not engaging in meaningless intimacy. Like, I just, I can't do that. Yeah, people can say. I'm not saying I got to love you. Right. You know.

And that's something that I've noticed more now than ever in my life. And I think for like there's a lot of things I knew or like mentally I knew, but I didn't really believe or practice. But whether it's a friendship, a relationship, just like sexual relationship, if you are surrounding yourself with a certain kind of energy multiple times, whether you think you're absorbing it or not, you are. Yep. And whether it's something as simple as a toxic person or a negative person, like you could be the most positive person. But if you're around somebody or you're constantly hearing negativity, you're going to start feeling a little bit of that negativity. And I think that it's so important because, yeah, I mean, when we're young or when we're

in a partying phase or a single phase, naturally it's like you want to experiment. And I agree with you. I don't think that there's anything wrong with figuring out what you like and what you don't like. But I think that like people do need to at least go into it, realizing that like, okay, if I'm going to make the decision to have sex with this person or to surround even just surround myself with this person, do I believe and share their values? Do I want everything that they're about to somewhat shed off on me? Right. Because you are what you surround yourself with. And obviously

not everybody's perfect, but I do think that it's very easy for people to think that sex can be meaningless. And I think, yeah, to a certain degree, it might be, you might, like you said, you might not fall in love with the person. Right. But you, you are bonding with them. in a different way. And it can be healthy is the thing. Like because, I mean, I've had experiences where, you know, in my addiction where it's like, yeah, I left feeling like I was the king of the universe. But what did that person really mean to me?

You can totally have a partner and not, you know, take it to the degree of, oh, I love you and I want to be with you and still have that mutual respect, you know, sexual encounter that where both of you are, you know, on mutual terms and mutual grounds, mutual wavelengths, all of that stuff, you know, because I, I mean, I've had that before and I, and it's not a part of, you know, what I would call my addiction because I wasn't using it to gain anything. I wasn't using it to gain control power, anything. I was in that, moment and felt good about what I was doing and I respect the person I was with and yeah so have you been in any serious relationship since well I well I have two kids okay so I the first child that I have I

it was just kind of like I wanted to just have the baby and not really deal with the person so that was very kind of cut and dry. The second child, though, I was with his dad, but not anymore. So single, but just staying, keeping it that way for a while. Because it's just, it's not like this is all new knowledge for me about being self-aware because I haven't engaged in my addiction in years, probably six years now, ever since I converted to Buddhism. And I'm not saying like, oh, I'm just like looking for a life partner.

None of that stuff. It's not really where I'm at at the moment. It's just, again, the intent was to just let whoever is listening know. Like if you do have these kind of similar feelings, like there's ways to explore it. There's ways to be healthy about it. There's ways to, you know. Take your control back. Exactly.

Where you don't need to. absorb more shit on top of your shit that you're trying to figure out. And I know a lot of that definitely had to do with my own spiritual awakening. And kind of like you said, everything happens and everybody's past and their time differently. But I'm also a big believer in there are signs literally everywhere. There are signs literally everywhere. Every encounter, every conversation, every engagement. every number right you literally just have to listen and pay attention the more aware you are

the more you see these things and notice them for sure yeah like that's something that I've realized like and I know there's people that don't believe in it that's totally fine but I you know since I've been more aware even for myself like numbers is that's huge for me and like the amount of times I see certain numbers I don't believe in coincidence I just think like you said the more aware you are, the more you pick up and the more you notice. And I think honestly, like, personally speaking, I rather live a life where I kind of feel like constantly noticing these little signs, even let's say, for argument's sake, that they aren't real. You know what I mean? But I rather live a life where I have these positive reminders around me. And I feel like that's a reminder that I'm on

the right path or that's a reminder that I have good things coming rather than just a negative person that's like, oh, everything goes wrong for me. Right. Exactly. And I don't, and who knows what's really and what's not. But all I know is like, the more open you are, the more signs that you get. And I think, I think that you really genuinely do become a better person because you're more open to all different beliefs. That's just common sense. You know, whatever you put out there is what comes back. And I think that it's so healthy to be open to many beliefs.

I think that's something else that I've noticed that like everyone's going to have different beliefs, whether it's Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, anything. You know what I mean? Or nothing. Like, that's fine. Whatever. We live in such a scary, sad, harsh world. We also live in a very good, positive, bright, beautiful world. But both are very much there.

So I think whatever way that each individual gets through that in the best way that they can that makes them the happiest is all that we should care about. Yeah. Like I think people are too often focused on, well, if you don't believe in what I believe in, good things aren't coming to you. Right. Fuck that. Yeah.

Like, we are all individuals, believe as you wish, but the only thing that I think we should be doing is wishing positivity and happiness to everybody, no matter what they believe. Right, exactly. Like, who cares? Yeah, I know. I really hate that we've just become this place where people are just so fixated on what other people are doing. And separate. Like, it doesn't. It causes this, like, unnecessary separation.

Like, yeah. And I think that there is such good, there's so many good things to each religion and each belief that it's like, whatever you need to do to be the best. Because like it's not necessarily, in my opinion, it's not necessarily religion that we need. We need better people. Yeah. And yes, like religion brings that out in people no matter what it is. But it's like the better people are to each other and the more gentle, like the better the world is. And that's what we need.

So like, and I think that by. fixating on, well, you need to be this or you should be that or like, I don't agree with that. I think that just causes more hate and more separation and more disagreements. And we need less of that and more like unity. Yeah, yeah. And also kind of like what you were saying, because in my practice, we believe that we are not victims to our circumstances. Yeah. And we believe that you can turn poison into medicine.

And I want to say probably for a long time, I did feel like a victim to my circumstances. I was just like, why is all this turmoil happening? Why did I just lose my son? Like it was just like I just constantly kept victimizing myself. Right. And once I did let that go, it's like you, again, you take the blindfold off and then you really see why you go through these things and what their purpose are for you. And I feel like you're doing a big disservice to yourself if you do go through something that's, you know, bad to however degree you're taking it as. And you don't take something from that, you know, that's literally what it's for.

And I feel like if people find themselves kind of in the same similar situations, it's a calling from whoever you guys want to call God or whoever. They're literally saying, we need you to move this way now. That's why we keep putting this in front of you to move a different way. And I mean, all of that makes sense. And any negative thing can definitely, I don't want to say, can turn into like this positive, beautiful thing, but it's definitely a learning experience. And it's just another way to shred another layer of yourself to help you get to where you need to be, you know, like evolving yourself. and Buddhism has definitely done that for me.

I definitely have a lot more awareness of like not just myself but others 100%. Because I never really, I don't know, I guess I just never really cared to see past the other side, just pretty much fixated on my own bullshit all the time. and yeah, I mean, I could go on and on about this topic. I know. I don't want to like go off on the spiritual tangent. No, and I think it's important though because like I said, I do think that no matter what people believe, it's important to have something that

kind of helps set you in the right path and right direction. And I think it's good too that you mentioned how, like because those meetings like AASA, whatever, like they're not going to be for everybody. They're not. And I think it's okay to try multiple different paths. Not to cut you off, but I also feel like sometimes too, and I did kind of feel this way a little bit. Like when I was in the meeting, not everybody was, but there was a handful of members. And obviously their intention is always good because they want to see you do better.

But it's kind of like you were saying, the one size fits all. It's not one size fits all. And sometimes, well, at least for me, in my experience, I felt like I was kind of being pushed to do the 12 steps or the seven or how many fucking steps. I don't know. And I'm just like, I don't, it's just not for me, you know? Like I think one of the steps was to like, I don't know if it was to like write a letter that you were going to give to the people that you hurt or something like that. And it's just, I don't know.

I guess the way that I saw it is like it's not really so much about. me going back to like that encounter with those people. It's trying to figure it out, understand it, understand my triggers, why, and to ensure that it's not going to keep happening. Like that, to me, that's what I was more fixated on, is healing the addict versus let me just tell you about my addiction every day and everything I was doing in my addiction. And like I just didn't feel like SAA was about healing and understanding

yourself. It was just more like let's just sit in a room with like-minded people and share our experiences. So we know we're not alone, but like what's the next step after that? What's the next step? I guess it's the 12 steps. But it just, it just wasn't for me. It really wasn't. It's different for everybody. But like I said, I think it's so important to talk about all different types of addictions and your personal experience and then where you are now and where, you know, like what helped you? because like I said, everybody's going to be on their own journey with their healing. And it's important to know that there's multiple different ways and whatever works for you is totally fine.

And to know that you're not alone is I think one of the most special knowledgeable things because I think it can be really easy with all the judgment in the world and all the one size fits all, you know, textbook definitions of things. I think it's really the best thing to hear from different people that have different walks of life and different experiences. experiences to really know like, okay, I can resonate, that resonates with me and maybe I can try this or maybe I can try that. And I think that it shows people too that there's multiple different routes that you can take to kind of get to where you want to be. And life is a working progress. Every day is something different. And I don't think we ever hit a final like, oh, I'm healed.

And I think you're always working. And that's always happening. Yeah. And I think that's the beauty of it because you should be constantly growing into the best version of yourself and constantly healing from, you know, who you once were. And I don't think there's anything to be ashamed of of who you were in the past either. I feel like that that's kind of another thing too is it's more important. I feel like to talk about something like this.

It makes you who you are. Yeah. Because hookup culture is so prominent. And, you know, another thing too, kind of like what I was saying with my first boyfriend, you know, Our intimacy was not intimacy at all. So it's like if you take these younger men, you know, teenage boys who don't really have anyone teaching them about intimacy or how to go about it or what's appropriate or how to treat a lady the first couple of times of intimacy and you're just being fueled by pornography, you know, the things that your little homies are telling you and the things that you're seeing online. And again, I'm not bashing any of this stuff. I'm not by any means.

It's just if that's your teacher, you know, how do you expect these young men to move when they get out in the world and they are engaging in all of these sexual activities? It's kind of like I almost feel like they don't really learn about intimacy until it's like somebody shows them or they're way, you know, older in their sexual encounters and experiences to know the, difference between the two. And even having conversations with, you know, my friends and things like that, it's like how many people can really confidently say that they felt that intimacy. You know what I mean?

Like, like love making and feeling that transfer of genuine energy between you and that person, you know, it's a very different experience than just, you know, here's my strokes, bus and I and go home, you know so um i just feel like again i really just wanted to share all of this to let people know like yeah you may not call yourself a sex addict that's fine you know i know that word and that term is is you know still pretty intense for people but um hopefully this will just be a way of just understanding, you know, what the difference between the two is in terms of your intention behind your sexual encounters and why you're doing it. And I mean, if it's all good, great. But for me, it just, it just wasn't. And that's where the line was drawn, where I wasn't using it for those kinds

of reasons. And I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I know there's so many, you know, women and men that that use sex as an outlet and they just don't think it's wrong because look what we're all doing now you know or what most people are doing it really is just um it's it's it's normal behavior you know and that was the limbo i was stuck in for so long as like this is just normal guys do this all the time and it's not normal right i agree well seriously you did incredible And thank you so much for wanting to come on here and share your story because, like I said, I think it's so important and it gives a different perspective on everything. And I think that it's really important to hear about and to break that stigma because so many

things still have stigmas around them. But you did such a good job. You should be so proud of yourself. Seriously. And like I said, I can't appreciate it enough that you want to come on and talk. I was like super reserved about it. and but it's necessary. Yeah.

It really is necessary.