We're All Insane - Alcohol Destroyed My Life

Episode Date: March 10, 2025

#podcast #alcohol #recovery #clean Find your forever cookware @hexclad and get 10% off at hexclad.com/WAI! #hexcladpartner #sponsored Maddy shares her raw and honest story about her battle with alcohol addiction—how it started, the struggles she faced, and the turning point that led her to recovery. For years, she used alcohol to cope with stress, pain, and life’s challenges, not realizing how much it was taking from her. The road to sobriety wasn’t easy, but through support, self-discovery, and resilience, she found her way back to herself. Links: https://smartrecovery.org SMART Recovery is an evidenced-informed recovery method grounded in Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), that supports people with substance dependencies or problem behaviors to: Build and maintain motivation, Cope with urges and cravings, Manage thoughts, feelings and behaviors, Live a balanced life If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Business Inquiries please contact: [e-mail] Topics: Alcohol, Addiction, Recovery Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. I'm Maddie and I'm an alcoholic. I started drinking whenever I was 14 years old and I didn't really get addicted right at 14. I wasn't like, yeah, this is awesome. In fact, I got really sick. I was mixing Jose Cuervo with Takate beer. And we drank that all night. I woke up throwing up like on the floor on a towel and an upperclassman was helping me. It was a guy.

And I knew of him, but like I didn't really, like I knew his name. And I woke up and I was throwing up on the towel because I had thrown up so much in the trash can. And he did everything. for me. Like he took care of me. I was very fortunate. I don't know why he took care of me. I don't know really what, you know, provoked him to do that. But I thank him. And I ended up dating him later on. So a quick question for you. I already have a question. So you said that you started drinking at 14. Were you in high school? Yeah, I just had went to high school. You just got into high school.

And then it was just like your normal average, like, partying, right? Kind of thing. Yeah. That's how started out as. Okay. Totally. So was that situation that you were just talking about or that incident? Was that the first time that you drank or was that just one of the times around that each?

That was the first time I drank and I actually got drunk. So like I had like snuck a four loco and like pretended to like drink it in my friend's closet like six months prior to that. So I had like dabbled and drinking, but I really wasn't like fully enthralled with it by any means. The only reason I went to that party was because I was becoming friends with all the upperclassmen. And I also had a boyfriend at the time. Okay. But he was way into sports and, you know, like doing something with his life. And I just was like, you know, eff it.

I'm 14. I don't fucking care. Yeah. So he was not at the party. So that was kind of a rough conversation to have afterwards, too, of him, you know, being like what happened and maybe like, I don't know, but, you know, Drew took care of me. Yeah. And so that's kind of like my first big time drinking, getting sick. And then the next day I was supposed to work as a life card. at the like family own run water park in our hometown. And I did not. I didn't make it? No, ma'am. My parents really didn't punish me because my dad is also an alcoholic as well.

Did you see a lot of that growing up? Yes and no. So like whenever I was young, my dad drank a non-alcoholic. beer. And so like we knew growing up, you know, daddy had a problem. So that's why, you know, he has to drink non-alcoholic beer now because he can't really have the alcoholic beer. But then, you know, later on into, you know, once we started growing up, he started drinking regular beer, not non-alcoholic beer. And my mom love her. She has no problem with it. Kind of envious of her for that.

But yeah, I've never really, I've sure I've seen her drink, but never more than like two. It's just like not her style. My dad, on the other hand. And that's also in a fucked up way. I relate to him more on the alcoholic and like the addiction side of things. and that's not like my favorite thing to talk about because I don't love that I relate to him on such a dark level. Yeah. Okay.

So back to the story about me drinking at the house and like first getting drunk. So that girl, the house that I was at, I was actually really close friends with her. and so we would go out to parties afterwards. One time, so I'm fast-forwarding to a year and a half after the drinking incident at her house. I had been like hanging out our random parties and not gotten a handle of my drinking, but knew how to drink and not throw up and wake up on a towel the next day. and oh and I also had thrown up all over her new pottery barn duvet cover she forgave me for that so she's a role one for that yeah I was going to say lucky but anyways so we continued like just parting randomly we were both very involved in sports I was so involved in cheer that's like why I moved away from my hometown is for cheer but um I was dating the guy who helped me whenever I, you know, had gotten drunk a year and a half later.

So, like, much time had passed. And we ended up, I lost my virginity to him at 16. And then a couple days later, he just completely ignored me. And that's how he broke up with me. and then that was on like a Tuesday and so then Friday I was cheering for the high school football game and he was up in the stands with his like new girlfriend or whatever and I my heart started like racing so much I and I had had like heart issues before who knows if it was just anxiety but I I've been told it was a real heart problem. I had surgery for it. So how much is it anxiety? Yeah. But I went over to the

side of the track like after seeing them together. And I was like, hey, like my heart's acting up. Like, can you take a look at it? And they hooked me up. And I was beating at 325 beats per minute. I had AV nodal reinterrant tachycardia. And so what that is is you're born with wires. And there's 12, so like one, two, three, four, four sets of three. And then one wire breaks off whenever you're born. So you have two and two by the time that you're two years old. Okay. So one of my wires didn't break off. So I had two, two, two, and three.

And so this one was causing interference with the other two. And so that was what was making my heart race dramatically. So I had avidnotal reintroduant tachycardia, like I said. And then I had a catheter ablation to fix it, which is they just go in through underneath your collarbone and then right here in your groin. The reason I'm telling this story is because about a week after surgery, I still had like the bandages like underneath here and here. And I went out to a little party with my friend from, you know, the house party years before. And I drank. And on our way back, she was driving.

We got pulled over. So that was kind of my first experience with getting pulled over after I'd been drinking at 16 years old. And he was like, have y'all been drinking? I can smell alcohol. And we were like, no. Like, of course, tonight everything. And we both got out and did sobriety test and both passed it. I don't know how, what was going on.

But somehow, by the grace of gone, I. like got out of that. And I think it was because I could show him that I had just gotten out of surgery. Yeah. I honestly, I think that's the only reason we got out of it. But that was kind of like my first interaction with the police and me knowing that I messed up and that I was potentially going to get in trouble for it. Right. Did the surgery that you got, did that fix the problem with your heart? Okay. And that was the only thing that you had to get for that? Yes. Okay. That's good. They said that I could take beta blockers afterwards, like if any problems arose. But the reason they cartarized it is because they said no problems will ever occur. You may feel like you're going to

get into that again, like where your heart's going to start like crazy racing and you're going to hyperventilate, but what they carterized will fix it. And I felt it before. Yeah. That's scary. Yeah. But the surgery fixed it and I was back drinking a week later. After that run-in with the police, I kind of started focusing on a different friend group and really got into the sport I was in, which was cheer. And really fell in love with that. It was a healthy habit. And so from like 16 to 18, I really didn't drink.

I was hyper-focused on cheer and where I could go to college and doing it competitively and doing it for my school. And I was in the best shape of my life. And I had a community, you know, around me. and I just fell in love. So around my senior year, I started trying out for different colleges, and I tried out for a college two hours north of my hometown in Dallas. My hometown is a small hometown in two hours south of Dallas. And it's small, but it's also next to a armory base.

So we also had a much bigger population on our school. Like I graduated with 711 kids. Wow. So, I mean, we were still big considering the size of the town. But also that made for a competitive environment. and I really like engulfed myself in that environment. Like I just emerged myself into that environment of the competitive energy and just like go, go, go to be the best or like to try to make yourself stand out. So and we also had a lake.

So I grew up on a barge and on a boat and my aunt had jet skis. And, you know, there was still plenty to do, but then also with growing up on the barge and the boat and the lake also there was drinking. Yeah. So, you know, when I say I grew up not really around drinking, but kind of that's what I mean because it was always around, but nobody ever got. like out of their mind drunk around. Not that I remember. Like not around me and my sister or anything. Right.

So I never really seen like any drunk behavior until I started doing it, you know, myself and experiencing it with my friends. So I made the cheer team up here or up there in Dallas. and started cheering for them, started going to their practices. And then I realized how hard it was going to be, school working, because my parents cannot afford.

Like, I took out, I'm still paying on those loans. Like, you know, my parents couldn't really afford for me to go move up to Dallas. I had to work to pay for everything. And so I was working. working two jobs and trying to go to school and trying to keep up a cheer. So I just kind of let that cheer thing go, which I look back on and I'm so sad about. Yeah. That was a really great distraction for me and that really did keep me healthy. And it's a happy you enjoyed it.

Yeah. And like whenever I moved up here, I was like one of my two jobs was cheering, coaching. And so, like, that was a really fun job for me. And, in fact, the lady who got me the coaching job up in Dallas, she's the mother of the boy who took care of me whenever I was 14 and later on lost my virginity too. So it's just like... Small world.

I know. But, yeah, that kind of devastated me losing or having to give it up because I have to make a living. You know what I mean? So that was kind of. So did the college offer any scholarship for the cheer or no? No, because Cheer is not actually considered a sport. Interesting. So you can't really get scholarships for Cheer.

You can get scholarships for like gymnastics and aerobotics team. A rope acrobatics. Got it. Team. But Cheer has never been considered a sport unless things have changed. But whenever I went to school in 2011, that was not a thing. I moved up here and like I said, I was coaching cheer. But whenever I decided to quit, I quit Cheer old again.

Like I was I didn't want any ties to it. I think that was also kind of the reason I'm so sad about it is because I really did just like cut that part out of my life. I was like I don't have time for this. It's not making me money. I'm barely making enough to survive and I only need six 25 a month for rent. So like and let's get going girl. But so I did start getting into the service industry. And I'm still in the service industry now. I love it. It's a love-hate relationship, but I feel like I'll forever be entwined in it. With the service industry also comes, you know, the service industry people who I like to drink and smoke pot and do Coke and get fucked up after work. And that's how we cope. Yeah. And so.

So I fell into that at a very young age. As soon as I moved up here at 18, I fell into that. In fact, whatever I was 19, I got my first DWI. I was working at a bar in Fort Worth. And we went across the street. We closed, and we closed it 2 in the morning. And we went across the street, very illegal, by the way. I went across the street to a bar and drink after hours.

And it was just kind of for like the service industry people. Yeah. So that's where I was. And I remember being. And I also didn't drink just to like casually have fun. Like I liked the feeling of being out of my fucking mind. Yeah. Like I didn't want to just like drink and have fun.

I wanted to get fucked. up like I was on a mission. And do you think that there was a reason, like a core reason for that? Or is that just what you liked with alcohol, you think? I think that's what I liked. And again, that's kind of like where I also say I relate to my dad in a lot of ways is because I crave that addiction. Yeah.

Like even today I still crave alcohol because this is so fucked up. Because I miss that feeling of being out of my mind. Like, I know there is nothing else in the world that will make me feel like that ever again. And that's so fucked up because that's what, like, you know, destroyed my life. But now looking back on it, I still crave it so much. You know, the thing with alcohol, like, I don't think it's, like, okay, yes, it's fucked up in the sense that you look at it in the sense of, yeah, I say it all the time. alcohol is the devil's drink. It never results in anything good. But I think a lot of people can relate to you in that feeling. It is the same thing with drugs. Like people know, I think

they're very aware that it destroys their life and it starts at everything. Anything I feel like can start out fun and then it becomes toxic and it ruined your life. Yeah. But I don't think it's, what my point is is I don't think it's fucked up to say that that's how it made you feel and that because that's why it's addicting. Like that's your. that's the truth. Yeah. You know, like, yeah, it's fucked up that people get addicted to it and that it does ruin your life. But that's the honest way that it makes people feel.

And that's why people can't stop. Yeah. Like, I loved, like, people are like, I don't really like drinking because I don't like being out of control. I'm like, fuck control. Like, I just want to go to sleep, like zanned out, baby. I'm, because it lets your walls down. Yeah. You're not as like tense.

You're not. I mean, everybody and everybody that has drinking knows that, that it. It lets you just get loose. And then, you know, the more you drink, the further down it goes. No, actually. But I still, to this day, crave that feeling. So that's why I still say, you know, my husband was in the car the other day and he was like, why do you still consider yourself an alcoholic? And I was like, every single day I think about it.

Like, I know that's scary to hear, but it's the God honest truth. Right. You know, like every day, you know, some days are usually. easier than others, but there's, especially now that I've picked up serving shifts on the weekend and like gone back into that environment, I like sometimes and like, dang, it really sucks that I can't go get a drink with my coworkers after this. Right. I was going to say, you know, drinking is a very, very social thing.

It totally is. We live in a world where it's so normalized of like, oh, want to go get dinner and grab a couple drinks or that's like the way to kind of break the ice or talk to people and have more fun. Like that's, I think the mindset around it. And especially being in the service industry, it's like it is all around you. Well, and even it doesn't even stop in the service industry. You know, I got out and worked an office job and everybody was like, come eat for a happy hour. I'm like. Because it is an escape. Yes. And I'm like, I can, but I can't. You know, like. And also, I, when I was still drinking, like for the very short time, I was in an office setting and going to those happy hours, I couldn't handle myself.

I was with a small amount of people that luckily didn't, like, gossip or anything. I got really lucky, basically. But I didn't act professional or anything. I was pounding six drinks at those happy hour events. Like, girl, nobody needs to pound six drinks. But even then, like, I still couldn't. That's why I say, like, I don't think I can even, like I still don't strata drinks at the bar I work at.

I won't use mouthwash with alcohol on it. I won't take NyQuil if it has alcohol in it. I just, I don't even want to go there because I already know myself and I already know I love that feeling. So I'm just not even. Stay way. Yeah. Like, let's not go there. My first DUI at 19, I, so I left the bar and I remember dropping my car keys and picking

them back up and dropping them a second time. and I remember being like I feel messed up. So I went back and I was like, can somebody take me home or like can somebody call me a cab? Because back then it was 2012. So Uber was out, but it wasn't what it is now. Like I don't, nobody had it on their phone. Like, sure, I could have called a taxi. I'm so sorry.

Like, but I do remember like going back and asking everybody like, can you bring me home? can you call me something? Like, and I can pay you back tomorrow because I was also broke. So like, I didn't have money for a taxi. So I was like, I'll pay you back tomorrow when I'm done with my shift. And everybody was like, no, no, no, like, you're fine. Just go. And so I just went.

I lived in a couple cities down the road. It took me about 30 minutes to get home. I do not remember this, so this is all told to me. Whenever I was found for my DUI, I was driving westbound on eastbound I-30, so I was driving the wrong way on a major highway in Texas. I had clipped another car, just a random truck driver. This is also at four in the morning because, like I said, I had just gotten off the bar at two and went across the street. So I had clipped another car. He was not injured. And I wasn't going very fast. I think I was only going like 35 miles an hour.

And this is all on the police report. So like I said, this is not my recollection of anything. And so I had clipped him. He had pulled aside and cars had argued. been calling about me driving the wrong way, but I just wasn't going very fast. And then a police car came and hit me head on, but again, I was not going fast, hit me head on to make me stop, because I was not stopping. And then whenever they opened the car door, I had peed myself and threw up on myself. They took me to the hospital because they thought that I had been drugged. I had no drugs in my system. I was literally just that fucked up. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast. Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as

those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week, we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to True Crime News available now wherever you get your podcast. And I back then, like, I didn't spend pot. I didn't do anything. I literally just drank. And so they took me to the hospital to find out my, you know, everything because I was obviously not in good shape. The cop actually followed the ambulance and stayed with me in the hospital until the hospital workers told her that I was like stable and good. So like, it's so sweet. And I,

I, again, feel so lucky. Like, nobody was hurt. I don't condone drunk driving. That's terrible. And I don't look back on this story with, like, any sort of proud moment or, like, to boast about it ever. I tell this story so that others can learn, hopefully, from my mistakes and not make those. there was plenty of times where I could have not gotten in that car and I thought about it so much that I had turned around. So obviously I just needed to follow my intuition, but hindsight's 2020.

So I woke up in the hospital and I found out what, you know, everything had done. And the nurse is the one who told me, like not the police officer. and there was a little like yellow ticket paper for your DWI, like sitting on the side, like on top of all my stuff. And my clothes were wet. Like I was still in the clothes from the night before. And I just called my boyfriend at the time. I was like, can you please come get me?

Like I didn't really know what was going on. Also, my BAC for that one was a 0.28. and 0.07's legal limit, you know, 0.3, they say you are dealing with toxicity to death. So I was, you know, very intoxicated. I didn't really know. I knew the severity of everything whenever I woke up, but I didn't, I don't know. I feel like I was still drunk. I, and this is not me making excuses. It was just like such a surreal thing, like waking up and finding out all of that stuff. So my boyfriend picked me up. And he also was at work at the time, like working a day job. And I was like, hey, pick me up from the hospital. I just got a DUI. So that all went down.

And also I had agreed to work a private event for that bar that I was working at. So I was supposed to work at a golf course that morning at 7.30 in the morning. Obviously, I did not make it to that. So whenever I finally got my phone all charged up, people were like, where are you at? You're supposed to be working this golf event. So that was just even more added anxiety. I was like, oh, my God, like I don't know what I did. How am I going to move on from this?

luckily in service industry, a lot of other people have DUIs and have messed up just like you. So I had this friend I was working with and she gave me the contact information to a lawyer that she had used. And she said, don't worry, girl, I drove into a house. And I was like, what? And she was like, yeah, I drove into a house. and the people were not home, but she had driven into the portion of the house

that was the nursery and stuff. Mm-hmm. And so that's what she had driven into, and that was her DWI story. So, like, as soon as I heard that, I was like, okay, I didn't drive into a nursery. So, like, I'm still doing okay. No, babe, you drove the wrong way down a major highway.

Like, the clues were there. I just was in denial. So I got with that attorney and since I was so young since I was 19 and whenever I got sentenced, I was finally 21. I think that's the reason they took it so easy on me because I only got this thing called labor detail. And you basically go and check into this facility and then they take you out in groups like a vein. and we're all inmates. You know, we're all there to do, serve our community service, if you will say. And they took us out to the local jails.

I put up a fence, like a fence for Mayfest. I cleaned the jails, like I said. I would clean like random fire offices and stuff like that. And this may sound freakish, but I kind of enjoyed it. Like, I didn't mind that punishment. I don't know if that's wrong or whatever, but I didn't mind, like, getting up and going and, like, cleaning stuff. Like, I was like, okay, this is my punishment.

Like, okay, girl. But also, I had an interlock in my car. So as soon as I completed the, labor detail. I still wasn't done because I still had to have that interlock on my car. And by then I was working at a new restaurant. And at this new restaurant, I figured out that if whenever I got to my shift at 3.30, I could have two drinks, chug them, and then be fine by midnight whenever we closed

to drive and blow in my interlock again. And so be sober. Like, why am I doing that? Like, what is going on? And there is literally nothing wrong in my life. Like, just an average girl going to school, working to jobs, like, nothing traumatic. Like, nobody hurt me. Nothing happened.

I'm just in this state of mind. And I think that's also why it's so confusing for me to look back, too, is because I don't have that, oh, well, you know, someone did something to me or, you know, this happened and I did this or, you know, a big traumatic event. Nothing like that happened. Well, the thing is, too, is, you know, addiction doesn't, like, pick only the people that have been through things. Yeah. Like, that's why it's addiction. and so many people deal with it. I mean, you don't, I feel like you can be fine and still want to turn to something like that

as a form of an escape. Or if you know it's going to add some sort of pleasure or fun to a situation, especially if you're young, you're going to do it. And it's not to make an excuse, but I think so many people have that mindset. I mean, it's ingrained in people to go through a party phase. Yeah. Like it's seen as so normal. So.

It totally is. And that's why I wanted you on here to say, specifically talk about this because it's so common. And I think that like obviously now you're at a point where you can look back and know, okay, I had a problem. You know, and I still might if I went down that path. But there's so many people that might not even realize that they lean on alcohol or on even weed or certain drugs to get them through things or to make something better. And like if you feel like you're thinking about something or you need it to get through something, it's becoming an addiction for you. Yeah. And it's like, I don't want to say there's nothing wrong with it

because obviously it doesn't do any good, but at the same time, I feel like it is something that is very common and very normal and should be spoken about so that people don't feel like they have to hide it. Or even on the flip side, people don't have to see it as you have to go through a party phase to be normal or to be cool. Yeah. You know, because I think that that also is a huge gateway into it. Like you start out just wanting to party and have fun with your friends because that's what is the normal thing to do when you're a kid. Yeah. But then it could lead to this spiral of not knowing or not, like, not knowing how to stop.

And too often it does lead to that spiral. And again, like nothing traumatic happened to me, but I was on a mission to get. But if you're going to work, like where that's the environment. I mean, in my mind, why wouldn't you want to drink to match the energy of everybody around you? Yeah. And it's really not an excuse. I think that's just the mind. mindset of it. Like, I think it would take somebody that genuinely doesn't like alcohol from the

start to feel that way. And this job, I fell in love with this job because of the people that I worked with. Like, I still to this day talk to some of the people that I used to work with at that job. That's how strong of a bond we all had. It was such a fun environment to be in, but also a dangerous one, because drinking was not, you weren't allowed to drink on shift, but pretty much everyone did. Yeah. In fact, there was a bar across the street that was open until two in the morning. And sometimes we would, like during buyouts and stuff, we would take turns.

going to the bar and taking shots and coming back. So like it was very common for everyone to drink and stuff. I did end up getting fired from that job. My first time ever getting fired for drinking. And that really, really upset me. Yes, I had gotten the DWI and yes, that affected me. And yes, I went through, you know, the legal system. dealing with all that, but losing something that I had to work so hard for and was making a

very steady income at. And for drinking is just so disappointing in myself. Yeah. You know, with that job, I was also like bartending for charity events. Like I went and competed in this thing called speed rack and they raised awareness for breast cancer and I had placed within the top five for speed rack like I was good and good at it and that place is kind of where I grew as a bartender and grew into that profession and so the day I got fired was I was bartending with a fellow bartender of mine, and he is just as bubbly and energetic and loves to serve guests and everything just as much as I do. So I had made us some coffees. So I'd put Bailey's Godiva chocolate. Like, girl, I was cordial. Like I was going all in on these coffees. Jameson,

and then the coffee. And I had put them each on the bar, and Barrett had chugged his. and then I saw a guest sit down. So I was like, I'll tug mine in a minute, greeted the guest, turned around, my drink was gone. I looked at Barrett, and Barrett goes, he just took the drink off the bar that was yours, and I don't know where it's at now. And I was like, what do I do? What do I do? And he was like, I don't know, I don't know.

He was like, but please don't tell them I was drinking. I was like, bitch, shut up. up. Like, I'm not going to tell them you're drinking, but like, what? So then the day manager came on and he was like, hey, Charles, the GM, and the GM is the one who took it. Charles, the GM wants to talk to you in the office. And I was like, fuck. And my heart was racing. Like, my heart's still kind of racing thinking about this. Because again, this is the first time where I've worked for something and then it's been taken away because my own actions, my own drinking. Like nobody else put you there but your own self.

So I walked in and he was turned away from me and he had the drink like on his desk. And he just whipped around with a drink and sat in front of me. Said, so what's this? And I said, that's an alcoholic coffee. Like I wasn't going to like you can obviously smell it. And he was like, okay, where did it come from? And I lied because I knew if you also... Your girl made it.

Yeah, if I told him your girl made it, then I also could have been not charged, but like I don't know any other way to say it with stealing because technically I was stealing the alcohol by putting it in the cup. So I told him that I had brought that. I had brought the alcohol from home. Okay.

And that I poured it into my coffee. And that's what I had done. And he could tell. I had just started working. I had just woken up, like, I wasn't drunk at all. Like, I was fine. I hadn't even taken a sip of the coffee yet. So that was another thing back then.

I was like, I wasn't even drunk. I hadn't even drank anything. Like, bitch, you knew what you. you're doing, you're going to chug that, had the GM not taking it from you. So I told him, I was like, you know, it's an alcoholic drink. I took it from home. I took the alcohol from home and I poured it in here. And he was like, okay, well, I need you to go home. We'll talk about this later. I was like, what? I was like, man, no, like, just tell me right now. Like, am I fire? Like, what's going on? He was like, I don't know. He was like, I have to think about all this

you need to go home like get out of my face and I was like fuck okay um of course I didn't go home I walked across street and went to the bar and got fucked up and told all the bartenders and everybody how I was probably going to get fired because I just got caught drinking as I'm like drinking at the bar just insane insane behavior um so I go home um and then I wake up the next day and And by this point in my alcoholism, I was starting to get sick. But I figured out I could like just have a little hair of the dog, like just one of those little many bottles of wine. And it would make my shakes go away. Yeah, I was going to say like, did you ever get any bad hangovers?

Yes. But then also by that time, like I said, I would just drink like just a little bit. And then it would make me feel so much better. And then, yeah. And then I was just like working and sweating and I mean, I'm sure I felt bad, but nothing noticeable. Like not then. So I got up the next day and I went in and we had a meeting. And there was two people there. And as soon as I saw there were two managers there, I knew I was getting fired. Because one has to be there to witness it. And then one has to be there to do it. And so as soon as I saw that, I immediately started crying. And he was like, you know, I don't want to do this. You are one of my best bartenders. You have crazy work ethic. But I am going to fire you.

And I started crying even harder. He was like, the reason I'm firing you is because this is not the first time you've drank here. He was like, and I know it's not the first time. This is the first time we caught you. And I was like, you're right. like I'm not even yeah you're right and yeah I went home and lost that job and cried like really heartbroken I don't know why that was the thing that really broke my heart considering I had just gotten a DWI at 19 but that was it so then I got two more jobs after that the job that um the job that I got

after that as where I met my now husband. But I still was not over getting fired and I was treating it through drinking. And I got my second DWI after I got fired. Like three months after I got fired from the ranch for drinking, I got my second DWI. I was 23 at the time. No, 22. I was 22 at the time. So even just, you know, three years after my first one, not great.

And that one, I tried driving home. And then I had shown up to my second job, not the one where I met my husband, but my second job, like, farther out serving again, drunk as fuck. Like, I had just been drinking all day, again, treating, like, my misery with alcohol. and they were like, I'm sending you home in an Uber. And so I got sent to home. Oh, and they didn't fire me either. Like, I showed up drunk as hell.

And they were like, you know, we all make mistakes. And you're a good worker. So I was like, why? Everybody, thank you so much for giving me a second chance. But I don't think I deserved it at the time. Like, I really don't. So they didn't fire me. and they tried to send me in an Uber,

and then I told the Uber to go back to the parking lot, and I got in my car, and I drove to the other bar that I was working at, and I started drinking. And I was like, I'll just Uber here, or like Uber from here to my apartment. No, I got so fucked up. I don't remember walking out of the bar.

I don't remember driving home. I remember anything. I do know my BA, was going to be high enough that I knew I was going to be a liability and I didn't want to go to jail. So I blew on my second one. I blew a point three to. And like I said, I had been drinking all day, like all day. And that one I had tried to turn into an apartment complex. Here is my apartment complex and then here is the apartment complex I tried to turn into. So it was just, one prior and I had hopped the curb and like pulled into a parking spot and then

pretended like I lived at that apartment complex to try to get out of the DWI like try to be like I'm home everybody's safe we're good so like bye bye now you've you've done your civic duty no no no they're like ma'am you're fucked up um I did do a sobriety uh like I said I blew and then I also did a sobriety test because I don't know why I was feeling so confident. I looked back on that police video. I shit you not. I'm at a like 45 degree angle. Like I was standing and like in a cheer position too at that.

Like I looked back on the video and I was like, girl, what? Were you, you can't even stand up straight. Yeah. And so obviously I failed everything. And then whenever I blew a point three to, they took me to hospital because if you blow over a certain amount, you're a liability to them. And so they have to take you to the hospital to get checked out.

They can then take you to jail afterwards. Like totally if, you know, the hospital says you're good. But nine times out of 10, they usually don't. Okay. I don't know why, but they just usually don't take you to jail unless, I guess also I, with the accidents I got into, they just messed up my car. like hitting that curb messed up my car and nobody else was involved in that first wreck or the second wreck for my second DWI. My first DWI, I did hit somebody, but I just had clipped his car going slow.

So I don't know why they didn't take me to jail after that. And again, my first one, I didn't have to go to jail ever. I did a walkthrough. And so I went in and like did my hair all cute, got all dressed up. to go take a muckshot. My first one. But that muckshot is so cute. Like,

swear, she's a good-looking mugshot. My second one is such a disaster. So anyways, I blew and I blew a point three-two and they're like, yeah, bitch, you're going to the hospital. So I went to the hospital and then I called my friends at the bar

and I was like, hey, who hasn't been drinking? Because I need to ride from the hospital because I got another DGWI. And they're all like, oh, my God. So they picked me up. And then whenever I got sentenced, part of my sentencing was you have to spend a mandatory three days in jail. That is a part of whenever you get a second DWI in Texas, you have, that's a part of your sentencing. So I had to, that's a part of your sentencing.

But also, you're supposed to go and serve at least a day or a night. in jail for the actual arrest. Like on your second one, you're not allowed to just go to the hospital and then, you know, go through, go to a walk through on your second one. I had to go. This is where I wish I wouldn't have blown or done anything and just gone to Irving jail and just set it out because I had to go to county jail, which is Lou Starritt. and

loose stare at Dallas jail is talked about because of what a crazy condition jail that is. Like, it was not a fun time. Even though it was only a night, I got out of there and immediately told my attorney, I was like, I don't care what you have to do, but I don't want to go back to jail.

Like, I'll pay Bukusa money beyond probation for much longer. I don't want to go back to jail. Like, and just spend three days in there, no. Like, I can't do it. And he was like, okay, you know, it's going to be more probation time, which I took. So I didn't have to serve the three mandatory days in jail because I would rather be on probation for six months than spend three days in jail. And I know that's crazy to hear, but I hated jail.

Like, it was the worst. physical and mental wake-up call that I had ever had. Like, sure, getting fired from that job was the worst wake-up call in the mental sense of, like, me caring about everything that I had lost. But going to jail for that was, especially in county jail, so awful. I, like, they don't give you anything. So I just kept on asking for, like, bologna sandwiches, and I piled them up and, like, would sleep on bologna sandwich.

They put us all in this one cell for like three hours where we were just all together and this one cell was just like benches on it. And just like no direction, no, which obviously I don't, you don't need direction in jail, but it was just such an alarming like, environment for me to be in. So that was my second DWI.

So after my second DWI, I was working at the place where I met my husband. And I was also living with one of the daytime bartenders. And we worked only mornings together. It was a great little setup. She drank about as much as I did too. And she had been to the hospital multiple times for pancreatitis. So she understood, you know, we understood each other on a really deep level because we had both experienced, you know, being sick from alcohol and the effects that alcohol had on us.

And the reason I moved out is because she got pregnant and moved into her own house. And then she got pregnant a second time. and I heard that she was still drinking, but not near as much, not to the point of like hospitalization. Yeah. And then the three days before Thanksgiving in Thanksgiving, in 2022,

we got a call that said, Ashton's in the hospital. She went in because she thought it was pancreatitis again. It's not. She needs a new liver. We found a new liver for her. She'll be getting a new liver, which I was shocked because Ashton was not secretive about her drinking.

They knew that's why she needed a liver. But then also she was a mom of two. And again, this was my roommate. This was my little drinking buddy. This was somebody I'd been very close with. and they said, you know, she's going to get a new liver tomorrow. She just has to make it through the night and we'll be fine. We get a call the next day, which happened to be on Thanksgiving Day.

And she had passed. All the toxins had spread to our brain and everything just took over and she passed away, left her two-month-old and two-year-old from, you know, that's what she left behind and her husband, too. He was also in the service industry. It was extremely sad funeral. That's probably the first funeral I've ever been to that I've, like, cried so hard and really felt that. And also it being, you know, she died 2022 on Thanksgiving. And I had just gone into rehab 2021 in October around Halloween. Yeah. So this was still like pretty fresh. And so her passing from drinking even more solidified for you.

Yes. I'm sure. It's heartbreaking. It's scary. And it shows you the reality of like, you know, if I keep going to. down this path, that could be me. Yeah. And you had that, the sickness happen, you know?

And like I said, me and Ashton, like we really related to each other because she would go to the hospital for drinking and she was like me. Right. She did not care. She. And I also think I, like back then, I was like, why not me? Like, why did I survive going to the hospital and none of that traveling to my brain? And she has two kids.

Like, I don't even have kids. I have six dogs. Like, I just, I still feel guilty to this day about, I just don't know why I survived and she did it. Yeah. But that is the one death that has hit me, like, really hard. And whenever I was going kind of crazy, I thought that Ash, was like talking to me. But I miss her every day and she was a really great person.

She was also really nice. Like I know people, you know, will never talk ill of the dead, but she was genuinely like the nicest person. Yeah. I always envied her because I could never be that nice people. I'm like, I just have too much of a temper. Like, I'm just going to pop off. Right. How do you do it?

No, and I just don't understand. Yeah. But that really shook me. So now I'm going to kind of switch over into the tail end of my addiction and then into sobriety and everything. So I had continued working at the first job because remember after I got fired from the ranch, I had picked up another two jobs. I always had two jobs because I always felt like I was going to get fired. tired. So I think it's kind of like a security thing for me at this point, but I've always kind of remained with two jobs. So after I got the second DWI, I just stopped showing up to

that other job. Like the first one that had sent me home for drinking or, you know, whatever. Yeah. I just stopped showing up. I was like, no, and then I blocked everyone, like, ghosted. I blocked everyone on my phone. Then, like, six months later, I changed my phone number. Like, to be heard of and seen never again. Like, not my style. So I just never showed up. The second job, where I left my husband,

I was working there, and I knew he was married. I did. And I also knew that they were, separated and having problems and basically that they haven't been in the same room with each other for about a little over a year now. Hey guys, today's episode is sponsored by Hexclad. All right, let me just be honest. For those that know me, they know I'm not a chef by any means.

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And I was still on probation for my second DWI. Like, I don't know why, but legal trouble, I was like, okay, like, what are you going to do? and bitch you'll go to jail. Like that's what you're going to do. But I would just stop drinking three days prior to my check-in time. And that's three days is what you need to get alcohol out of your system. And I found that out because my former roommate, she was on probation for a DWI, her second one too.

back whenever I had my first and I didn't understand like why she had to stop drinking three days prior to check in until she finally told me like, oh, that's how long alcohol stays in your system. And I was like, oh, okay. So that's how I learned that. And that's how I dealt with my probation was I would only stop three days before check in and then continue on my drinking spiral. By then I was starting to get sick.

by then I was constantly nauseous. Always nauseous, always nauseous, always felt like I had to throw up. Like always trying to drink like just a little sip so I could stop like the shakes. And I still shake like just a little bit. But no, I was like shaking tremendously back then. So I was not only drinking to. I wasn't drinking to have fun at that point. I was drinking to help with my DTs.

You know, I was drinking to help with the tremors and the detox of all. Yeah. I wasn't really consuming. It wasn't like this fun time that I once had with, you know, my now has been anymore. It was kind of, it was serious. So in those three days before probation, were those like miserable? Yes. Mm-hmm. I just, like, would throw up and just be bedridden, like, the whole time. I had, like, a throw-up cup and just, like, throw up into the cup and dump it out. I mean, disgusting. And I don't know why or, like, what or how Max stayed with me, my husband for all this, but he, for some reason, did.

And so whenever I started to get sick, I finally got off probation. So this is two years after the second DWI. It's actually three years because it took them a year to sentence me. And so three years after the second DWI and I was getting really, really sick. Like I actually couldn't stop throwing up. And I had gotten some shifts covered. And by this time, I was also living with my now husband. His ex-wife had moved out of the house by then, and they were already on their way to divorce.

I am going to backtrack a little bit. Go ahead. Okay. So after the DWI and whatever I was getting involved with Max, I did know he was married. I did not care. I was getting sick, but like not really. I had taken him to Detroit. He's a Detroit Lions fan.

And I had taken him to Detroit and taken him to his first Lions game. And we came back and I saw this lady like running across the tarmac or not the tarmac, the little drop-off lanes. I was like, wow, that lady is in a really big hurry. and then just like sitting down with all our baggage like we just got home from Detroit I'm waiting on one of the bartenders that works you know at the spirit girl where we all worked to come pick us up it was Stephanie it was his ex-wife she is right in my face and she was like did you have a good time fucking my husband in Detroit and I was like holy shit like this is the first time I've actually

like if it isn't the consequences of your own actions um so she was like did you have fun fucking my husband in Detroit and I like did not say I'm so proud of myself for this I did not say a single word like did not say one thing to her just looked her in her face got all my bags and just walked away like to another place and I was like max you can deal with that and then I called the bartender and I was like Craig where the fuck are you because uh she's going down just going down like I need you to get here so he got there and then she was still kind of like following because I had forgotten one bag. I swear it was on purpose.

I swear. I really didn't just want to get out of the mess. And so he brought my bag over and like shove that in, shove me in and like close the Jeep door or Jeep door and then we drove off. And they had had a pretty like volatile relationship. Like that wasn't the first interaction with them that had been aggressive or violent in any way, shape or form. She had been, this is way before me, like two years before me.

She had been arrested for domestic violence. She had given him, like, scratches and all kinds of bruising all over his chest and arms and stuff. And again, this is police documented. I'm not, there's nothing out there that hasn't, you know, been heard or seen before. So she had a history of that. And then we still kept on seeing each other even after the airport run in. Like I clearly did not give a fuck.

Then one night I get a call from Max and he was like, she stabbed me. And I was like, what? He was like, she stabbed me. And I was like, okay. And he was getting brought to the hospital. So I didn't know anything. I just got the same bartender who had just picked me up from the airport like a couple weeks ago. And I was like, hey, can we go to the hospital?

Max is there and Stephanie stabbed him. So we get to the hospital and whenever he got home, she had thrown all their furniture out in the middle of the yard. And I mean like all their belongings. like just out in the middle of the yard. And this was also in May, so like it was nice outside. But it was nighttime. And Max walked in the door and said, I don't know what's going on. I don't have time for it.

I will be called in police for destruction of property. You have an hour to get out of here. Or no, not an hour. Sorry, scratch that. You have 15 minutes to get out of here. And then I will be calling the police. So please gather your things. I don't care where you're going, but you need to get the fuck out of my face.

So she gathered all of her things and picked up a pair of, like, grandma sewing scissors and walked by him and just, boop, like right here at his chest, right there, dropped them, and then walked out. And Max was like, did you just stab me? and she just like drove off to her mom's house, which was like two miles down the road. So yeah, he got stabbed in the chest with a pair of sewing scissors because of his ex-wife. I will not take the blame for that at all.

Like, that's on you, boo. I don't think she stabbed him because I was with him. I think their relationship was tumultuous to begin with. I say all that because that is how she got to the house and that's how I moved in. So it's not like a Cinderella story of like meeting my prince charming. I mean, these aren't great things that we're doing. But it's what made me stable enough, insane enough to want to keep going. And like I said, by this time, I was starting to get sick and sick and sick.

So I finally got off probation. And at this time, I am living with Max in the house that he once shared with Stephanie, his ex-wife, that stabbed him. This point, I had been throwing up for three days straight. I couldn't keep down water. I couldn't keep down pediolite. I couldn't keep down anything. And I had been throwing up straight for three days. I couldn't get out of bed.

I wasn't peeing anymore because I just had nothing in me. dry heating. Max finally came home from his shift that he had just worked for me. And by the way, Max is working all my shifts for me while I'm just getting sicker than a dog for literally drinking in front of him. Yeah. So I mean, I really do give him so much credit because he took care of me in ways that literally no one ever has. So he came home from that shift and he was like, we got out of the hospital. Like something's going on. You're not getting better. You're not stopping. So we went to the hospital. Whenever we went into the hospital, I was gray. I was gray and white. I was cold. I just was not looking good. I don't really remember getting checked in. Like that's how, and again, I hadn't drank a single thing.

I couldn't keep anything down. I didn't drink a single thing. I didn't drink a single thing. and they were like, we don't know what it is, but, you know, you just keep on throwing up. And, you know, we ran your blood work. There's nothing in your system. Like, there was no alcohol. There was no nothing. But then they ran my blood work. And then they came back and told me that I had alcoholic ketoacidosis, which is where you consume all alcohol and you do not eat.

So it turns your blood acidic and make sure. you start pervusely vomiting and you literally poison yourself. And if you don't get the fluids and the vitamins and the medicine that you need to combat the alcoholic ketoacidosis, you'll die. So I had gone to the hospital and it took me three days to recover from that. And three days, that means three days until I can like remember like sitting here talking those three days I was in and out of sleep. I didn't really know what was going on.

Mack said he thought I was going to die. I didn't think I was going to die that time. Like, I was like, no, I'm still okay. And I kept on going to the hospital for the next two years. I kept on going to the hospital for alcoholicudacidosis. And that's just how I would get, like, fixed. So I would just get like... Because that kept happening.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And it was just because you just were drinking so much and just not really eating food. No. Okay. I had no interest in eating, like zero interest in eating. I was 105 pounds at the time. Now I'm 140 and I'm like healthy and my weight and everything. But yeah, even dropping 35 pounds. is just, you know, crazy. But I, that kind of, that hospital visit is kind of what made me not reconsider how much I was drinking. It's what made me be like, oh, I can get fucked up and then I can go get fixed.

You know, like, I can't go to the hospital and just check in. And three days later, I'll be fine. So they were just giving you, it was like fluids of vitamins, like, okay. Yeah. I'm not a doctor and I have no interest in the medical. field. So I'll be honest with you. Like I haven't done a ton of medical research on alcoholic ketoacidosis, but all I know is my symptoms, what I experienced and what the doctors told me. And that's good enough for me. Did they ever stress like any concern? Like you might have a drinking

problem? Oh yeah. And what would you like what would you think or say when they would say that to you? I know. Okay. So it still wasn't like really setting it. Yeah. Okay. I was just like, yeah, I know. You guys can fix me, so it doesn't really matter. No, literally. Okay. I was like, and pick a bigger consequence. Because at this point, I already had two DWIs.

I already been in the hospital for alcoholic ketoidos. I didn't care. Right. So that all happened. And then about a year, two years into doing that, I got a message from one of my old bar managers at that job that I loved that I had gotten fired from. The ranch one? Yeah.

Okay. And her name is Bonnie. And she messaged me and she was like, hey girl, you want a big girl job. And I was like, yes, absolutely. Like, please save me. Like, I'm working at Green Gator. Like, I'm tortured. And she was like, okay, cool.

You know, we're going to go. meet at specs. And that's a big liquor company for Texas. And I was like, okay, cool. And I didn't know what I was doing. All I knew was that I could get out of the service industry. And here was my chance to really make something of myself. Like, I didn't care how I was getting it. I didn't care what I was doing. I didn't care if I was working in a warehouse. I was like, finally, some health insurance and something to keep me on my shit. Yeah. Because I also respected the health out of Bonnie. Bonnie is the one who taught me at a barton. Bonnie is the one who I roomed with whenever I was on those trips to do speed rack. Bonnie is the one who helped me get all those

private events outside of the ranch, making extra money. You know, she really took me under her wing and she really saw so much potential in me. And I still, I just light up when I talk about her. I love her so much. So she messaged me. And then I went to and interviewed at specs and I was like, you know, this is what I'm doing. I'm working, you know, bartending, blah, blah, blah. She was like, okay, well, you'll be a sales rep here. And I was like, okay. And then I started and everything was going good. Like, I, my drinking wasn't under control, but it was under control enough to where I would just save getting sick for those three days for the weekend. So like by Friday I would kind of be like I'm going to fucking throw up

all weekend. But again, I was trying to make it work. I was slowly trying to get out of my alcoholism. But it's hard to do on your own. Yeah. Yeah. And then I don't know, again, this is so not confusing to me, but this is all so much for me to talk about because, again, there was not a traumatic event. Like, nothing happened for me to be like, oh, I'm going to get out of my fucking mind tonight because this person touched me or, you know, hurt me or whatever. Nothing like that happened. So I started to slack off at the job, and that is not like me.

and body knows that's not like me. If you've heard my story this whole time. You've always had good work at it. Yeah. And again, people have kept me even despite my mistakes, which I wouldn't have, but anyways. So I got the job. I was doing really good, kind of a little slip up. And then I started slacking off because I was just getting too sick.

I could not get up and go to work. and Bonnie was like, you know, you're going to have to have a meeting with me tomorrow. And we have to discuss. Like, we have some serious things to discuss. And I knew what was coming. Like, I'm not fucking stupid. Bonnie's not fucking stupid. So were you still drinking?

Mm-hmm. And you were getting sick from the drinking. Yeah. Were you still getting the, like, going to the hospital and getting? Sometimes, but not as often. I was just kind of like doing it at home. Got it. Like, I just would, like, by that point, I knew that I could take, like, small little

slips of pediolite and then, like, I knew I could eat, you know, jello and slowly ease myself back into things or, like, sip on chicken broth. Yeah. So I just, like, I kind of stopped going to the hospital, too, because I was also, like, so embarrassed that I kept on needing that treatment. Yeah. And they, like, I was seeing the same people, you know. They're like, here's this fucking Maddie Evans bitch again.

But she was like, you know, we're going to have a meeting tomorrow. And I was like, fuck. So I got so fucking out of my mind that night. Like, I did not want to wake up. This was before the night before the meeting. And how long were you at this job at that point? I was only at this job for three months. Okay.

Yeah. And I was already having a talking to. And I got so out of my mind, I did not want to go to that meeting. Like, I fully went to sleep with like not. And I was taking, again, I was just drinking a shit ton. And I took like, um, fucking ibuprofen, um, antihistamines, like Benadryl, uh, Nyquil, like anything. I could do to like alter my state I was taking that night.

And of course I woke up the next day and told Bonnie, I was like, I tried to call myself last night. Like I can't have this meeting, like just don't even talk to me about it. And she was like, okay, well, that's not okay. Like, let's get you some help. Let's get you some treatment. It's been three months. Guess what?

You have now of the health insurance. Yeah. And I was like, what? And this is the first time that anybody has ever been like, sorry, you're too much of a liability. Got to find another job, sweetheart. This is the first time that somebody's been like, this is not okay. Like what you're doing is not okay. What happened is not okay.

Let's get you help. Yeah. Yeah. So I found. And she goes, and also you can't work here anymore if you don't go get help. So I was like, okay, now I'm going to go get help. So I was one who found the rehab facility. and I was the one who paid for it.

Like I had to put down, your insurance doesn't start paying for stuff until you pay off your first... What is that called? I don't know. I know what you're talking about. You have to, like, meet a certain minimum. Yeah.

Whatever that's called. Okay, yeah. I know what you're talking about, though. Anyways, and so I still had to put down $6,400 to go into treatment. And I did. I still had $6,400. I had 3,000 and then max had 3,000. Okay.

And so we just both emptied out our bank accounts to put me into treatment. I got in. I had the best time. How long were you there for? 30 days. Okay. No, 28 days. I cried whenever I had to leave.

I, like, did not want to go. I had the best time. I met the best people. I had my own room, my own bathroom. I like the schedule we were on. I loved my therapist. I had a hell of a time in rehab. Now, when you went in there, did you go through like a detox period?

No, because again, remember how I told you that I had become embarrassed by that time? And I was just detoxing by myself at home. Okay. Which, by the way, please don't detox itself by your home. Or please don't detox itself by your. Please don't detox by yourself at home. Yes. Guys, you hear that.

It's so dangerous. And I could have died. But no, whenever I went in there, I had, and also that was on a Friday that we were supposed to have that meeting. So Thursday, I tried to kill myself. Friday, I told Bonnie about it. And then I spent the entire weekend finding places. Like, who takes my insurance? Do I have to pay?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Until I finally found this place. And I love this place. It was called Fort Behavioral. Love the girls. I loved the therapist I loved everything about that place we got to go on walks

and it was a good time of a year it was Halloween It's a good time of year Yeah me too And I don't know It was just I'm not gonna say I feel like that was probably like a healthy escape for you

It was like an escape but like in a way You never really experienced before Yeah Like you could just forget about everything That had been going on Yeah I really did enjoy rehab. And like I said, I'm sure it's a combination of the people I was there with where we just clicked.

Oh, and Bonnie also came and visited me at the treatment center while I was in rehab. I mean, just phenomenal, amazing person. So then I get out of rehab and then I start getting into Spex and selling, and Spex, by the way, is selling alcohol. beer, wine, cigars, everything you need for a bar. Everything you can think up for a bar, like bar mats, dump sinks, everything. Okay. We sell it. So you were back at the same job.

Yes. I took FMLA and went on leave for a month and a half. So by that time, I was coming back. I was coming back. and it had only been five months since I have worked there. But I went in full force. Like I knew what I needed to do. I knew I was clear-headed.

I felt so good. And I did so good. My sales increased, you know, from 200,000 to, I think, whenever I left there, I was selling 780,000. Wow. So, and that's a month. That's not per year. That's per month. So I was doing really well.

I had all my shit together. Like I was going to see a therapist, a psychiatrist, and all this other thing. And you were sober at this time? Yeah. I've remained sober since. Since that stay. Wow. That's amazing.

Yeah. Because you said it was only 28 days there, right? Yeah. Okay. So, and that just proves to me that I clearly was done with it. But, yeah, since. And then I also have that tattooed inside my arm. It says to the girl I once was, I forgive you with my sober date of 10, 22, 21 underneath it.

And that was a sign that was in my therapist office for behavioral, the rehab that I went to. So that's why I kind of got that tattooed on me. But anyways, so I was doing really good. I continued to do really good for about a year. And then I fell into a little bit of like some depression. I never experienced it like this before because also I had been drinking since I was 14. Yeah. So I really didn't know how to handle it.

I was talking to all my doctors because, again, at this time, I was seeing a therapist. I was seeing a psychiatrist. And then I was also seeing a nurse practitioner. And he specialized in addiction, an addiction behavior. And so I was getting this shot called, it's this shot, oh, Vivitrol. I was getting this shot called Vivitrol injected once a month. Why does it sound familiar? So Vivitrol is used for opioid and alcohol addiction.

And it is meant to make you not as addicted. Or like, it's meant to be kind of like, not kind of like Suboxone. But like in the same way where it doesn't make you like crave it or it doesn't make you. And also if you drink or do opioids on it, you'll get so sick. Okay. So that's another huge deterrent. I was like, bitch, you just got out of going to the hospital for five years. Like, can we please give our body a break?

My God. So I was getting the Vivitral injections. And then I was also dealing with. lot of depression. And despite him upping my meds, despite everything else, you know, me upping my therapy sessions, nothing was really helping me. And so he recommended this treatment called TMS transcranial magnetic stimulation. And it's really good. It does help people with depression. I do actually recommend it. But I also took that and ran with it like I do everything else. So you're only supposed to have 60 sessions.

So you go like once a day and you get the treatment. So they put this little device on top of your head. And it literally like stimulates portions of your brain that are supposed to like make you happy. Wow. Okay. Yeah. And the first treatment. today for 60 days. Yeah. Okay. And once I did the first treatment, I felt amazing. Like, I've never felt this good in my life.

I've never been this happy, never been this motivated. Like, I was getting up at 6 in the morning, going at my treatment, coming home, like, fully doing all the floors and cleaning the entire house and then going to work. Like, I was on top of it. Yeah. So since I did so well, I asked if I could get a second round. And they said yes, of course, because my insurance covered it. And I had really great insurance at the time. I did not respond well to this treatment the second time. I started getting so paranoid. I thought people were following me. I went manic. I started talking my customers all crazy. I was still at this job. I thought... Was it like just too much? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. It was just like over stimulating. And like I can't blame anything else other than the TMS. It's just like one day like I thought Max was cheating on me with like zero zero evidence. Like Max is literally at home sleeping in bed. I have his location and I'm literally like, oh, the neighbor's sleep. the neighbor's skipping over and like fucking him.

Like I have no idea where these thoughts came from, what triggered it or like what was going on, but I needed help again. Yeah. I was crazy. And this time, no drugs were affecting me. I did not have alcohol in my system.

You know, I did not have Coke in my system. I did not have anything in my system. And during this time, I know that you kind of did say that it's something like alcohol is something that you do still think about quite often. During this time that you were getting those treatments, did you find yourself still thinking about alcohol a lot or you were doing good?

Not as much. Yeah, not as much. And also in a weird way, I think like selling it also kind of like helped me too because selling it, it's so regulated and like everything is so much accounted for that you cannot get away with opening a bottle and drinking half of it and then going try to drop that bottle off to a bar to sell it. You can't get away with that. So that's also something that really helped me at that job was there's literally no way.

Okay. I mean, there is, but it's just so difficult. Why would you? Did you feel like, and I guess even now, because you said you still are in the service industry, right? Do you feel like seeing the alcohol, just physically seeing it, Is that a temptation to you at all? No.

Okay. No. Not just seeing it. I think the only reason, like the only way I really kind of miss it is like after those shifts or like after a long day or like at our Christmas party. You know, like everybody was drinking at our Christmas party. Right. Because it's like the, you're like missing out, you feel like. Yeah.

But honestly, like as long as I can have like if I can have a shot of Coke with everybody else and said, you know, whenever they're all cheersing or if like I can drink sparkling water out of a wine glass like that'll that'll like hinder you know that'll make me feel better about it but it's just small things like that that I do right um so whenever I started going crazy and manic a body stepped in again because she's my boss and she was like hey girl let's do this again no um but this time I was like I don't need rehab like and I'm not going to a mental hospital like I don't need that I'm just going to like try to like ride this out I don't know what to tell you but like I'm not taken off and Bonnie was like okay um I mean like there's nothing else I can do um so then I just kind

of stopped working like I just kind of got in my own head like just cooped up in the house in my room just going stir crazy destroying property, like destroying my phone. Getting new number. Like I got two new numbers. Just insane behavior. Finally, 2023, April 1st,

Bonnie calls me and she said, hey, we can't do this anymore. Like, yeah. Love you, but go figure your shit out. And I was like, respectfully, I know. And so a month after that, after I lost all my insurance and everything, I did end up checking into a mental facility. It was called Carrollton Springs Hospital, and I did not have a good time there.

I was there for 10 days. I hated every single second of it. I'm sure the dynamics were very different, too. It was awful. I feel like with mental facilities, it's hit or miss. You either get a really good one or just shit. Really? Yeah. And it was so. fucking bad. Like I shared a room and not that I mind sharing a room. I grew up with a sister. Like we shared a room all of our lives, but it's just in that environment and whenever I felt so sensitive and so vulnerable and also like, mind you, I thought people were following me. Right. You're paranoid. I'm paranoid as hell. So I think everything and everybody is out to get me. Yeah.

So I was in there for 10 days. They did put me back on medication, different medication. Okay. Did they diagnose you with anything? They diagnosed me with acute mania. Okay. So I had mania for a short period of time and then severe depression and severe anxiety. So I've already been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.

Yeah. Just the acute mania was like their official diagnosis. What medicine do they put you on? Do what? What medicine did they put you on? Symbolta. Okay. And another drug that is a mood stabilizer.

Did you feel like it helped you? I did. I did have to end up getting off those drugs because they do put me out. Like I was constantly sleepy. Okay. I was constantly sleepy. But that was so much better because, Prior to that, I was awake 24-7, paranoid out of my fucking mind.

So it was kind of nice to be sedated a little bit. To have like that break. Yeah. But it also made me very hungry. So I gained a lot of weight. I got up to 200 pounds. And again, right now I'm 140. So I'm, you know, I just lost this weight just this last year.

Yeah. But I got out of the mental hospital. And now I've been doing fine. ever since. But that is kind of where I'm at now is I'm out of the mental hospital in 23 and now. So when you got out of the mental hospital, you were there for 10 days. And then did you get off the medicine yourself? Because you just realized it just wasn't really for you long time. No, no, no. I told my psychiatrist. Did they suggest anything else? Or they were like, you're just going to see how you do kind of like after you weaned off of it? Yeah. And then you haven't

had that like a mania come up again since? No. Interesting. I know. And that's why I think it was the TMS. Right. Because there's literally, I mean, yes, I'm on a different anti-anxiety, antidepressant. Okay.

Like back when the mania started, I was on Lexa Pro and Trazodone to help me sleep at night. And then whenever I left. And that was along with those treatments that you're doing. Yes. Okay. Mm-hmm. And then whenever I went into the mental hospital, they switched me to Simbalta and another antipsychotic drug that I can't even think of right now. And that made me gain a lot of weight, but again, it made me stable.

So I did hate the 10 days. It's awful. I don't recommend. But unfortunately, they did what they were supposed to do, you know. I think the hard thing, too, at those places is sometimes it feels like they're putting a Band-Aid on it. Yeah. And, like, obviously with these medications, it is a lot of times trial and error. You have to see what works for a person, this, that, and the other.

But it just sucks because you don't really get, like, a full answer of like, okay, well, why did this happen? Or how do, like, what do I do if it happens again? You know what I mean? Like, am I back on trial and error? Like, let's see what works. So that's so interesting, though, that, like, it just. Yeah. And like I said, I do think the main purpose, or at least I think the main purpose, or at least I think

the main purpose for me going into that was to get me back on the right medication. Right. Or just the right medication to stabilize me enough to get out of there. Yeah. And then after I gained all the weight, I had started to gain weight and I gained probably like 35 pounds. And I talked to my psychiatrist and she was like, okay, well, let's try to switch you off of these drugs because they are making you tired. They are making you hungry. They do have side effects.

So I understand that you're mentally in a place where you want to be, but now you're not physically in a place where you want to be. So let's switch you to Prozac and try to get you off those sleeping pills. And so ever since then, I'm literally just take Prozac and this other like hormonal thing. Yeah. But that's like for. And as long as it's work for you, that's all that matters. And literally like don't take a sleeping pill one. Okay.

Everything is fine now. I don't see a therapist anymore. My insurance that I have now doesn't cover her. And I really built a relationship with her. So if I want to go back, I'll just pay for her. But now I work for, because I got fired from that job at specs. I just stopped showing up. I got fired for job abandonment.

Okay. Because I just abandoned my responsibilities and just went. crazy. So then I found a job on Indeed with a brewing company out of Austin and I run the Metroplex for the brewing company. So you've been there since? And how do you like it? I love it. It does give me a lot of freedom on the weekends, which is why I said I'm still in the service industry. I work at the golf course on the weekends. Okay, cool. It's a little NFL themed. It's the only NFL themed in the world, Cowboys golf course. And I really like it there.

It's good. You get to dry around in your little golf car. Yeah, that's fun. I know. I have fun on the weekends. That's good. And then during the weekday, you know, I work for the brewing company. So I'm still on a daily basis selling alcohol.

And then are you still in touch with Bonnie? Yes, I am. Just not as much. And she is now running like that entire teen. At specs, you know, she, of course, advances because she is Bonnie. Yeah. But not as much as I would like to, but enough. Right.

Oh, and then I also called her while I was in treatment at the mental hospital, too. I was only allowed one visitor, and I wanted my mom. Yeah. So my mom was the only one who came and saw me. Right. And how throughout your whole journey, like I know that you, You said your parents, they didn't, I guess, ever really, the only word I can think of is punished, because my mom used to punish me.

But they didn't ever really, like, I guess hold you accountable to. Not, not really. Okay. Like, my punishment for the first time that I had snuck out of the house and got drunk at that place and threw up on a towel, my punishment was my hangover. Okay. They didn't ground me or anything. They are just like...

Have you been close to them throughout this whole thing? Are they aware of kind of like your addiction and all that stuff? Yes, they are very aware of it. But I definitely try to hide it from them. Like I lied about my first one. And I also like lied about a bunch of stuff. So I lost my parents' trust and that and kind of still building it back. Right.

And like the second one, they straight up called me and they're like, what happened? And I was like, I got a PI. Yeah. And my mom was like, what happened? And I was like, I got my second DWI. She was like, why do you keep on doing this? Like, what is wrong with you? Yeah.

So I've definitely disappointed them. But again, they've never really. And that's not their fault. Like them punishing me because I drink to, I drink to a. oblivion is crazy work. At the end of the day, you're still going to make your own. That's what I'm saying. So I don't wish or like think back on it and be like, oh, I wish I would have gotten

like punish more and that would have held me back. No, like literally nothing was holding me back. And I think also my parents kind of knew that. Right. Like it's kind of like you have to learn on your own. Yeah. Yeah. And then after my first one, my dad had gotten his second. Okay.

His second DWI, and he got it while on a boat with my sister and my mom. So he got a boating while intoxicated, a BWI. Interesting. Yes, ma'am. Okay. Mm-hmm. So the same time I got my first DWI, dad was dealing with the BWI. So my parents were like not in a good place, you know.

But through all of this, my dad said stuff to me, but I've also been like, go fuck yourself because you're an alcoholic too. And so I've also kind of blamed him, which I shouldn't do. Did you ever do AA meetings? Yes, but only when they were required. Okay. Did you find any success in them? No. I'm also not religious.

I grew up religious. but now I'm not like disgusted by it, but it's just like something that I feel very strongly about not participating in. Yeah. So that's why I've really found no desire because it is really faith-focused, and that's fine. Okay.

You know? Yeah. I'm not here to yuck anyone's yam. Uh-huh. And that is okay. I mean, what works for someone? It doesn't work for someone else. So, yes, I did go to AA meetings, but only because I was required by law.

Other than that, no. I did kind of like the victim impact statements. Or not the victim impact. It was some kind of like statement where like you had to go to a courthouse and other people who have gotten in trouble for DWIs and stuff like that. come out and tell their story. Okay. Right. It's more like relatable and inspiring.

Yeah. So it's not victim impact. I don't think. I think it's like some other type of thing. Okay. But I did like that. Like that part of the punishment I found interesting. But again,

I find people telling their stories interesting. But that's also in a sense like what you're doing here now is like you're telling your story. And you know, I think that it's like I said, it's so important. You know, when you wrote your submission and I went back and I thought about like, I haven't had like a podcast just like obviously there's people that have been on that have struggled with alcoholism and things like that.

But I haven't had an episode just strictly about it. And I feel like it is so common. I feel like you either know someone or I mean even for example just speaking from like my own experience in my relationship with drinking and alcohol. You know, I started drinking it. I think I was probably 13 or 14 too because like I said, that is the. the normal age. I mean, like, yeah, when you say it out loud and you think about it, it's like, oh, wow, that's young. But that is the time when you're getting into high school. Were you just getting into high school too? Yeah. And it was cool. It was fun. It's like,

where can we get it from? Let's sneak it. Let's sneak it. It was like, you know, we're trying to drink it out of, out of a Twizzler straw so that we feel it faster. Totally. Yeah. You know, it's like, and it is so normalized and it's such a common social thing to do. You know, and I have found myself, I mean, now I would say I try really hard not to drink. Like there's every now and then I'll go to dinner. I'm like, I want a glass of wine. Yeah. But even then it's like it's still so interesting to me the effect that and the pull it has on you.

Because you can know how shitty it's going to make you feel the next day. Yeah. And you can know that it's going to give you like the anxiety the next day and it's going to make you do things that you're probably going to regret. And it's not necessarily like that, you know, it's not the real you, the decisions that you would make sober. but something about it does pull you in. And I think that it goes back to that feeling of feeling loosened up and feeling like you can just let loose and not have control and not worry about what people think because, you know, people call it liquid courage for a reason.

People want to feel like they just don't give a fuck. They don't have a care in the world. And obviously, like I said, it obviously can lead to a spiral of just wanting to get fucked up and it goes down, down, down. And it can get to a really dark place. like anything can. Yeah. But I feel like it makes so much sense to me why it's so easy to fall into that trap.

Like it makes total sense. And that's why, like I said, going back to what I was just saying, when you, you know, when you wanted to come on the show, I was like, absolutely. I feel like so many people can relate to this. And I feel like it's so much more common. And people might not, like I said, people might not even realize that they have a problem. Like it's very normal for people to go out. on the weekends and just drink all weekend because they want to, you know,

let loose from having to work all week. And that's considered alcoholism in the eyes of like the healthcare system now. So it is interesting to me that people don't want to recognize that that is actually functioning alcoholism. It is. And it's like, and you know, I'll look at some of my friends sometimes. I'm like, it's a problem. Like if you feel like you have to drink at every event.

event or every dinner, it's like, I mean, I'm not here to judge you, but I'm letting you know, like, we don't have to. You know what I mean? Like, and it's, but once again, it's so fucking normal. Yeah. That it's like people don't view it as wrong. People don't, and like, I think obviously something I wanted to mention as well as you're somebody, just by hearing you speak, you're somebody that on the flip side of having, you know, that addiction, you have always been very work motivated and driven. and you do have a good head on your shoulders and you clearly didn't have this like big trauma or a bad childhood. So I feel like you had that flip side that kind of like held you on to, okay, I can do better and I deserve better for myself.

My life can go a better way. Yeah. You know, so I feel like that's kind of where that pulled in. But it's really unfortunate because I feel like some people, they don't have that and they don't have that support system. And you really did. Like I feel like, like you said, you got lucky. You had these people that wanted to. put a helping hand out there and get you the help you needed. And to some degree, you wanted it

for yourself too or you would have done it. You have to want it for yourself. But it's, you know, no matter what your story is or what your situation is, it's so important to talk about because so many people, it's either they're going through it or they know somebody or it's a parent or a sibling or something. Like everyone knows somebody that struggles with alcohol. For sure. I can, I feel like I can definitely confidently say that. Well, and not only that, but like I have this girl recently. at work on the golf course, she asked me, she was like, because she found out, you know, I was an alcoholic or whatever. And she was like, well, did she like drink every day? I was like, yeah, like to stay alive, like to be awake and to not shake. Like, I didn't drink to like have fun.

I was drinking to get rid of my, you know, like tremors and stuff. But the thing is, it's important for people to know that you didn't start there. Yeah. You know, like. And that's what I tried to tell I was like, you know, I ended up here, but also I wasn't your like, you know, what you think of as your average alcoholic drinking every day. I didn't start out like that. Like it took years of drinking in many consequences to get me to that place. Right. And still, even so, like, you still are young and I feel like it all happened so fast. Some people don't realize it that quickly.

Like, it takes a whole lifetime. and even then sometimes they still don't get their shit together, you know? Because it's like that addiction is powerful. And it's like even if somebody in, you know, a few moments can realize, wow, this is really like not good or I feel like shit, it's, you know, people struggle with it because addiction is very real and they can't get out of it. Yeah. It feels nearly impossible. And people, who would want to go through detox and withdrawal and whatever? I mean, it's hell.

Yeah. I don't wish it on really anyone. But also going back to her asking me that and kind of touching on what you said, I love that she asked me, oh, well, were you drinking every day? And I just kind of wanted to turn around and be like, you don't have to drink all, like, every day to be an alcoholic. Like, Hannah, you can drink three times on the weekend, and that is plenty enough for you to be considered an alcoholic. Or even the people that it's like when they do drink, like you were saying, when you drink, you're drinking to the point of like getting blacked out. Yeah, I was. Like, it's not good.

Yeah. It's not good. No. But there's, like, I can think of a handful of people that I know that do that. Yeah. And they look at it as funny and fun and partying. And it's like, I think that it can go one or two ways, either you grow out of it or you keep going down the path.

Yeah. And something stops you. Like I said, I didn't really have anything traumatic. It was just kind of. me going and going and going. Right. But I am really lucky to have found the support system that I have now. And congratulations on being sober.

How many years has it been? It's over three years. My three year was in October. Good. Congratulations. That's great. And I think it's so important that you're able to sit here and talk about it proudly and openly.

And it's not something, you know, this goes for anybody that's listening as well. think it's ever something to be ashamed of or to feel like you have to hide. It's something that the more that it's spoken out about, I feel like, I don't want to say it's the more it's normalized because it shouldn't be a, you know, the best thing would be if everybody could break the cycle of addiction. But it should be something where you feel like, okay, I'm not alone in this. And I can be proud of myself for recognizing it and wanting to be better for myself. Yeah. You know? So you did a. amazing.