We're All Insane - Bipolar & Homeless

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

CW: This episode contains descriptions of suicide, self-harm, and ED. Hayley shares her experiences with bipolar disorder and PTSD, as well as being homeless. She discusses what it feels like to be in a hospital and how music and art have helped her through hard times. She talks about a lack of support from her parents, having been disowned by them, but how she found community and hope in other ways. Hayley: https://www.instagram.com/hayley.moonbeam/ If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the show, please email [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, my name is Haley. I struggle with bipolar disorder and PTSD and I was homeless in 2020. So I guess my story really starts with 2020 because growing up I was kind of like someone else's something. Like I was the girlfriend or the sister or the daughter or the patient. And that is partially because my mom has Munchausen by proxy.

What is that? it's when you a caretaker makes the person that they take care of sick yeah so I was triggered into self-harmoned stuff and put on meds and take it. So was that your whole life like for the most part? So it started when I was like 12. Okay. And most of my teenage years it was just like Haley's crazy, Haley's going to go to the hospital and I was just so confused

and I just grew up used to not having a voice and not being my own person. So she basically made you feel like you were crazy? Yes. Okay, all the time. Yes. So it's kind of hard for you to develop your own identity and stuff. Okay. Absolutely.

And yeah, so I, because of not being in control of my identity or, you know, I learned that no matter who someone is a doctor, a police officer, a teacher, or whatever, like, I was not going to be heard. So that control turned into self-harm and eating disorders. And I remember when I was 17, after like three hospitalizations, I, my grandma had me move in with her. And there was a lot of history there too. But I remember just feeling like I had a chance, kind of feeling safe. And then after years and years of being like put on random super strong meds and then taking them on and off, my doctor put me on Adderall because he thought I had ADD. And I went crazy. I love the name. We're all insane, by the way.

Okay, good. It's not like someone with epilepsy, we see lights and we're like, oh my God. Yeah. I think it's awesome because it's all inclusive. Yes. So I love it. I say that word all the time. Thank you.

But so literally for like three weeks, I was not eating and I was just super manic constantly and I wasn't sleeping at all. And then I was in school and I didn't take the Adderall that day. and I just had a huge panic attack. Like I went to an alternative school because of mental health stuff, and I couldn't function in a regular classroom. So sorry to interrupt you. At this point in your life, you weren't diagnosed with anything except for the ADD, right?

Well, my mom got people to believe that I had borderline personality disorder. Okay. And probably other stuff. So she was the one that was sending you to the hospitals growing up. Yeah. Okay. And then so you got, was it just you and your mom? Do you have any other siblings?

I do. I have a sister a year younger than me and a sister 12 years younger than me. Was it the same with them? No. So just do you? No, but when I moved out, my other sister went to the hospital that month. Okay. So just kind of like a repeating pattern at that point you notice.

Yeah, very obvious. Okay. So diagnosed with ADD after your last visit, right? and then you had the panic attack, okay, when you didn't take the medicine for the 80-D. Okay. And then I just started screaming and flipping out in school. And like I remember like looking in the mirror and seeing the crazy person. Like I have relatives who have gone off medication and been manic and seeing that is really heartbreaking.

but then when you're that person in the mirror who is shaking and yelling and pale and freaking out, it's like, holy shit. Yeah. And it took a while after that day to come back to being like a human. Like after that day, like I had to stop taking an Adderall, obviously. and I like I just was constantly dissociating like I have I have so many just blocks in my memory just for gaps because I guess it did something to my brain where I just was not here and I wasn't eating and I didn't I wasn't like consciously here and my grandma and my therapist were like

dude is she going to stay this way forever like so luckily I got out of it and about two weeks after the panic attack and the breakdown. And I saw a therapist who was really the first person in that field to listen to me and what I had to say. And I was like, oh, I'm in control of this. Like my mom isn't here. No one's here to say that Haley needs to go to the hospital. Haley's crazy, Haley's going to hurt herself. It was just like, I started to be like, I can be honest with myself and safe with another human.

And she introduced me to like yoga and Reiki after a couple months of seeing her. And by then I had just turned 18 and it was 2021 or 2020. and I was just like my whole view of my world just completely changed. I started feeling like, because I'm a very artistic, passionate person, and self-expression is like the most important thing to me in the world in that way. And I was like, I actually can express myself. and I can make my life beautiful, and I have the ability to change my perception and change the way that I think about people and choose the people who enter my life.

And that was never really a concept to me before that. And then COVID hit, and my grandma and I were trapped in the apartment together, and we were, We were not getting along. And I thought I was doing better because I was having this whole spiritual awakening. But I don't know if, I don't know if you know, I know you mentioned you dated someone with bipolar. Yeah. When we get manic, sometimes we get super into spiritual epiphanies. So I was basically going off the deep end and like, I don't judge people who do wishcraft and stuff, but I can't handle it.

because my brain is just like, nothing is real and magic is real and shit like that. So I was basically just losing my mind, thinking I was doing better. And my grandma, after one month of quarantine, so it was like April 2020, I had to leave the apartment. And I went to live in Pennsylvania with my grandpa in the middle of nowhere. And so is that your choice or your grandma's choice? I suppose it was equal. Okay. I was like, at the time I was just learning how to make my own decisions and like comprehend what reality is and what it isn't.

So in my head it was like, oh, it's a new adventure and I'm going to go live in Pennsylvania and start a life for myself. But it's like, okay, you're a senior in high school. You don't have a license. You don't have a car. You don't know anyone down there. It's the middle of nowhere. So it was really hard for me to grasp reality still. So I went down there and it was hell on earth.

Like I was doing yoga and stuff and I was still singing and painting and drawing and that was like my only outlet, but I was completely alone. And it's just so crazy because crazy. Because like, I feel like if I were mentally stable at that point, it would not have been the way it was. But because I was just so out of it and exhausted and rapid cycling, so manic depressed, manic depressed. And that started becoming a rapid cycling, like every day, multiple times a day. And I would fall asleep crying because I had to wake up in the morning and wake up crying because I had to wake up crying because I I woke up and knew I had to do it all over again. And I ended up contacting my friend after like two weeks of living there.

And I was like, dude, I'm going insane. And he's like, yeah, I know. And so I was lucky enough for him and his mom to invite me to live with them for two weeks. And at that point, I was. really, really, just grasping on to any positive thing that I could. So, like, if, like, on the way up, I was like, I just hugged two people or, like, that's a beautiful sunset. Like, I'm in a safe car with people that care about me. I'm in a safe house with food. Like, I was just taking in every positive thing that I could and really making the most of it. And

I still wasn't taking my meds right and I still was not healthy at all and had no idea where I was going to be in the near future and I was... Did you know at this point that you were bipolar or not yet? I had a hunch. Okay. Just based on like your own research and knowledge or... I think because of all of the shit that was thrown at me growing up about different mental illnesses. Yeah. It's like the thing with TikTok now where everybody thinks they have everything. Right.

That's kind of what it was. But I was so stubborn about it because I was like, I was put through home my whole life with this whole like I hated the idea of mindfulness and recovery. I hated the idea of having a diagnosis and being on medication. I was like it was like my enemy. Like it had been forced on me. But at that point I was like, all right, something else is wrong. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast. Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as those that go under the radar.

Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to True Crime News available now wherever you get your podcasts. Well, I think too, probably because growing up, you know, you were forced to believe that you had all of these things wrong, that when you were finally on your own, it was like you didn't want to believe there was anything wrong. Like it was like, you know what? I think that was probably like an internal struggle with yourself too because you just, I feel like you probably so badly wanted to just be fine on your own, you know? Did I hit it spot on?

You did. That was like perfect. Yeah. And after that, like, I'm still like a hypochondriac. And my doctor was like, I wonder why that is. And I was like, yeah, I don't know. He's like, no, dude. Like, your mom had lunchhouse in.

So you're going to assume that stuff is wrong with you without knowing why that makes sense. So, yeah, at this point, I had just wanted to be detached from all the shit that was in my past. I was like in this mindset that it didn't need to exist anymore because I'm in this moment and I have this future. It's like, no, you have to work through stuff that happens, or it just eats at you. So I was having a great time living with my friend and his mom. They are beautiful people. And I was doing really well. And then I knew I had to go home because their

landlord was a dick, and they were like, she's got to go. but I was lucky to have somewhere to be. But one night when I realized like I'm going back in like two days to a place where I was this close to trying to take my life, I kind of had a mental breakdown and I couldn't stop it. And I was just in denial. I was like, this isn't happening. I'm not crazy. This isn't happening. I'm not like this.

I'm not like this person anymore. I'm not what my mom made me to be. I'm not a hospital patient. But the panic attack just kept getting worse because I wasn't connected to reality in that moment. And I blacked out. And then I stumbled into the kitchen where my friend and his mom were. And I looked at my friend's face. And it was the weirdest shit.

Like I've never hallucinated before. But this was, I looked at his face and it basically looked super deformed. and it looked like he had like big alien eyes and I was just like, what the fuck is going on? And then I like he, I guess, I think he asked me what was wrong and I was just like, get away from me. So then his mom came over

and I don't really remember exactly how it went down but she was like, are you okay? And I was like, uh-uh. And she was like, can you tell me what day it is? And I was like, it's dark outside. She's like, okay. And then she calmed me down a little, and she brought me outside, and she looked at me. She was like, how are you feeling now?

And I was like, I don't fucking know. She was like, do you want to break shit? And I was like, I'm sorry. And she said, do you want to go outside and break plates on the pavement with me? And I was like, fuck yeah. And growing up, I had never had the option to express my emotions in a healthy way. it was always like if I was ever feeling an emotion I kept it in and when I would be triggered it was just being explosion and it would cause like chaos in the house and I would scream and like hurt myself and it's crazy but um so I was like oh I'm gonna be able to have the angry angry time like that is encouraged and I can actually express this and it's not something I need to feel guilty about so they lived on this house, on this beautiful field, and the stars were like perfectly clear.

You could see like everything and the moon was full. And we walked down their hill onto the road, which we definitely shouldn't have been breaking glass on because there are a lot of cars that go down it. But she was like, look up at the sky and start screaming whatever you want to scream. And I'm going to put my headphones in. And I'm going to scream. and we're going to break plates. And I was just like, okay, everything's going to be okay.

This is the shit that I live for. Like, there are just a lot of moments in my life like that where I just feel like everything led to this and this is a gut feeling of just love being showed to me like you do have a purpose and here is a beautiful thing after really bad things. Yeah. Um, after I went back to my Pop-Up's house in Pennsylvania, the same place, I, I went, I was like,

no, there's no way I'm doing this. And it was like, I had just found this passion for life, like a couple months ago when I was doing so well, and I was being the person away from my family and away from my illnesses. And I was like, how? How am I doing this to myself? And then there was another part of me that was like, I don't want to be here anymore. And I was literally like fighting with myself. It was so weird. I ran upstairs to my pop-ops part of the house.

And I was like just yelling. I was like, I'm going to kill myself. and he had access, I would have had access there to a lot of, he lives in the middle of nowhere, so there's like guns under the pillow and like razors in the shop and painkillers everywhere. And I was like, this is the best place God possibly could have planted me. Wow. But then I called the suicide hotline and I was like, I can't do this. Like I can't hurt myself.

I can't do this again. And the lady was a bitch to me. She was basically kind of like, what do you want? And I was like, not you. And I just started screaming at her. And then she was like, ma'am, ma'am, calm down. And I just hung up the phone. And I think I called other people and just started screaming into the phone.

And I just stopped being able to hear myself. Like I was just going apeshit because I thought I was going to die. And I was like, well, they ought to know what I've been thinking. in and then my grandpa got on the phone, I guess, with, I don't remember, it might have been the local police department, and I took the phone and I was like, what the fuck do you want? And it was this woman, and she had such a sweet voice, and I was still, that part of me that was still like, fuck everything, I'm leaving. But the good part of me was like, hear her out.

she was like, I know how this stuff works with mental illness and I really want to help you. And I yelled at her. I was like, how could you care? You can't know. And then she told me a couple personal things that kind of put us both on a human level. It was like, you and I are the same. I'm not better than you or vice versa. And that had never happened with like a social worker before.

I think that's what she was. And I was like, oh, shit. Sorry, ma'am. Thank you so much. And her name was fucking sunshine. It's like someone being named Angel. Like, I was like, are you kidding me? And then these cops showed up to make sure I didn't hurt myself.

And then the ambulance got there. And I got to listen to music and the ambulance on the way to the hospital and sunshine, like was at the ER door, with like a rainbow mask in her hand and she was like here you go haley like no one's ever done that i feel the kindness yeah it was like this person wants me to feel happy yeah um and i've had other kind impactful people in my life um otherwise i definitely wouldn't still be here but um at that time it was like absolutely no one and then a literal ray of sunshine who just wanted to help me. And I was there for a couple days and they decided like, yeah, you need to

go to the hospital. And I was like, no shit. And I drove in a police car up to Saratoga Springs, New York, which is where I live now. And I was admitted to Four Winds Psychiatric Hospital. And I was so used to hating the hospital. Like, it was my enemy. Um, and I hated mindfulness and I hated the idea of therapy, well, I guess before 2020. But I got there and it was really late at night and I was alone and it had like a living room with like a piano and the rooms were like clean and safe and quiet. And I had this book that I was reading when I was in the ER called Where the Heart is. And I remember going back into main character mode and opening the book and I sat by the window in the living room and like a street lamp was going on the book. And I just like was sitting

there and I was like, this is another one of those moments where I'm safe and I'm going to be okay. And that week that I was there in that hospital, I met some of the most amazing people that I have ever met. Like other patients or people that, okay. And like staff because it was one of those places where they really wanted to help you. Yeah. I met someone that I ended up dating, which is never, ever good to do. If you've been in treatment and you're watching this, don't ever date someone.

I've made that mistake thrice. Yeah. But we would, everybody would play cards and sit around and sing together and we would share our stories with each other. And it was like, it was the adult unit and I'd never been on an adult unit. And these people were people who've been in the military, teachers, professors, doctors, nurses, mothers. like and it was just like everybody had so much respect for everyone including the staff towards the patients mostly and there was this one woman who got there like four days after I did and I'm still in contact with her because she's wonderful but I remember seeing her for the first time she came out

onto the porch where we were having a group. And I remember looking at her. And it was one of those things where I saw myself at the darkest moments, which is really, really dark. And she just looked like she was just covered in pain. And it was like, oh my gosh. Like, I was just, it was so sad. Like, she just looked like she had no hope behind her eyes.

And what I didn't know was that, the piano that I was playing all the time was on the other side of her wall. And I figured that whoever was in there wanted to kill me because I was loud as hell. Then I was like, whatever. And when we left, she wrote me a letter basically saying, your music woke me up out of my suicidal trance and hearing you. you play the guitar, physically warmed, or the piano, physically warmed my body. And that's why I started coming out and opening up and talking to people.

And one of the things she wrote was, if you ever find yourself lost in the darkness, remember whose soul you saved. And if you can do that, you can do anything. And I was like, okay, so I have a purpose. I can help people with this. Not only am I supposed to be alive, but I just did something with the most painful situation I'd ever been in. And I still wasn't stabilized, but I at least had gotten on the right meds, and I got my diagnosis of bipolar, and I got help, and I was around people. And then after about a week and a half of being there, my therapist was like, so are you going

back to grandma's or are we going to put you in a shelter? And I had to make the decision of going home or going to somewhere I'd never been all alone having no idea what would happen. And I didn't have like any of my things except up like some clothes and some books and my phone and a charger. And the clothes were all like winter clothes. I don't know why. And I was like, well, I guess I'm going to a shelter in Glens Falls, wherever the fuck that is. So you didn't want to go back to your grandma's house? No. I just, I was not ready and I just saw everything happening again.

And I was like, I can't go back down that path. Yeah. And then just to backtrack a little. So there's bipolar one and two, right? Which one do you have? So the diagnosis says bipolar one. Okay. But then I read a book about, it's called the Bipolar Survival Guide.

And rapid cycling isn't something that I guess normally happens in bipolar one. Okay. So it probably is bipolar one and the rapid cycling is like PTSD or something. And the PTSD would be from your childhood with your mom, right? Yes. Okay. Good. Yeah.

Sorry, I'm like speeding. No, you're okay. No, I'm just clarifying just so that I know too. No, you're doing great. So you decide to go to a shelter instead. Okay. And then where was that? Was it in New York also?

It was in Glens Falls, New York. Okay. So it was like 30 minutes north of the hospital that I was in. And I'd never been there before. I was like, what's it Glens Falls? Yeah. And I actually had this great plan to, I was obviously still a little out of it. I was going to ask the medicab that was taking me to the homeless shelter to drop me off at a gas station.

And I would figure it out from there because I didn't want to go to a shelter. I wanted to be a vagabond and do it all alone with no money and no life experience. Because that sounded great. But then he dropped me off at a gas station probably like five minutes away from where I was supposed to be. I was like, ah, shit, that's not going to work. So I put the shelter into the Google Maps and walked there. How far was the walk? It was probably like a five-minute walk.

Okay, so it wasn't bad. No. I thought I was a lot farther. I was like taking a risk, but thankfully I wasn't. And that night I got there and it was really nice. It was like a big old house and it's called the Wait House. and it's basically where it's a shelter that you can stay at for two months, and they help you get a job and life skills, and two months is not enough.

But I ended up getting settled in that night, and I was at, it was like a girl's room and a guy's room, so I was in the girls' room, and there were like bunk beds, and I was on the bottom bunk next to the window, and I was the only person, the only woman there at the time. And I looked out the window and there was like this beautiful sunset and Glens Falls is not pretty. Like it's just, yeah. But I remember being like, I should be super afraid right now. I've never been on my own.

I've always been super dependent on my mom and my grandma. And I just like could not feel afraid. I just had this gut feeling that my life had just started for real. And then I got a job for the first time at the Marriott on Lake George. So I would literally take the bus to Lake George, dip my feet in the water, and then walk up to work at a hotel. And I was like, live in a dream. How old were you at this time? 18.

Okay. So I wanted to get a job a lot earlier, but I just was not mentally capable. Yeah. And then after about a month, I quit that. job because my mental health was spiraling and I didn't know how to function in a work environment. Were you still taking your medicines or was it like kind of hard for you to stick with them? So the meds were controlled and well they were like distributed to you daily by the waithouse staff. So they were making sure that I was getting the meds but they it definitely wasn't the right

medication mix. Right, because it takes time to find the right things that are going to work for each person. So much time. And literally everyone is different. Right. Like something that worked great for me, like could send someone else into a psychotic episode. So I was getting the meds,

but they were not the right ones, and I still was not healing from what I needed to be healing from. I was in therapy, but it wasn't enough. I needed like intense outpatient therapy, like a group. And I was just alone and working and surrounded by shelter staff who half of them had ankle bracelets on. And like, I don't judge people for having their own story. But a lot of them made very crucial decisions in my life because it's like they take notes on everything you do and they follow you around.

and they tell your social worker there how you've been behaving. And it was so weird and messed up. It just doesn't sound like it was the right place for you to be. It was not. Yeah. So after a little while, after about, like, I want to say like a month and a half, they told me that I could have a room, like a whole bedroom. in, it was like a halfway house connected to the building with the same staff, but it was up to two

years you live there in your own room for free and you just have to have a job and do your chores. It was like they had a chore chart and you did a chore every day. And I got a job at like Dunkin' Donuts and went to the other side of the wait house. and I lost my shit and I was constantly just flipping out over really small things but also being targeted and picked on by the staff because I was an easy target

they used to say that I was like shouting and throwing things across my room and I fully wasn't I would just say like which I shouldn't have said but I'd be like fuck you and then they'd be like Kelly had a breakdown. And one time they complained about me crying too loud in the shower. I was like, okay, this is not it for me.

And I was also getting sexually harassed at my job. But I needed money and I needed a job. And I was like, I guess this is what happens to people in the real world. I ended up making the decision to leave the wait house. in October 2020. And I went to live with my mom. And that was a very bad decision. She,

she's not capable of being there for me. And I accept that now. But at the time, it was like planting things around the house and telling me like, oh, you threw your shoes on the hallway floor, you left the window open, and you're going to,

you're going to have to leave. I'm going to kick you out. You don't care about anybody but yourself. And I was like, oh my God, okay. And at this point, I was, started getting really into witchcraft, which did not ground me at all. And she lived in a very old house. And I do still believe that there is some dark shit in the world. that you shouldn't touch, especially if you're very, very, very depressed or vulnerable. And I was just like, I was freaking out and I definitely had just a lot of darkness around me, whether it be like real or myself, just my energy, my aura. and so my mom ended up kicking me out because I was crying because I thought I saw a demon in my room. And at that fucking house shit, I mean, I wouldn't be surprised.

Looking back, I'm like, no. But I went upstairs to try to talk to my mom and she was like, do you not care about me? What about my sleep? You're waking me up to talk to me about something. You don't care about me. Like, what about me? You're being crazy. I can't help you.

Why are you talking to me about this? And I was just crying and I was just like, please, can I just lay in bed with you? And the next day, she kicked me out. And I went to live at a hotel for a couple nights. And my uncle would come to visit me. And by then it was like probably mid to late November. and my mom had also helped me get a job when I moved down there, and it was like a food truck,

and I got fired on my birthday, and then my mom kicked me out. I don't think he knew it was my birthday, but... Still. Yeah, I was like, damn, okay. Yeah. Sorry, Nelson. I get it. But, so, yeah, I had saved up a lot of money, so I had, like, $5,000 in my bank account.

So I was like, all right, I'll stay in a hotel for a couple days and figure it out. And my uncle would come up from the city to visit me. And we went to, I don't know if you know where Beacon, New York is. It's off the Hudson River. Okay. But it has a lot of beautiful hiking spots and it's a really cute, like, gentrified hipster city village with like coffee shops and bookstores. So I would be in the hotel and I would be singing or drawing or I would be.

out with my uncle laughing and talking or I would be sitting alone by the river like meditating and being like life is beautiful life is beautiful life is beautiful listen to happy songs wear bright colors be positive manifests like attract what's supposed to happen yeah and when you so when you left the shelter did they tell like the your therapist and the social workers or no so that at that point you were just like that was something that you were able to do was just leave and they didn't okay all your choice yeah okay and um I still was in touch with my therapist because it was 20 20 so we were doing phone appointments so I was still getting prescribed my meds just to a different pharmacy and I was still

having therapy phone appointments um a lot of which I missed though So then I was in that hotel for a couple nights, and my friend that I met at the shelter invited me to live with her. Now, she was in Section 8 housing, and you are not supposed to just invite people to live with you. But she did, and I was very grateful, but also, like, I don't want to make you homeless. and I lived with her for a couple weeks and then people started catching on to like brother someone else living with you and I had to leave

and I went to stay with my grandpa for a couple nights and the first night I went to be with my grandpa he lives in Albany, New York so that's not that far away from where I was at the time the first night that I was at my grandpa's I was like, new beginning, new adventure, I'm safe, this is my year. And I was journaling about how I had a gut feeling, just that same gut feeling that I was talking about before, like, where everything is just going to be okay.

And I can't even feel afraid because of how much warmth and love and reassurance I feel just from the universe right now and myself. And I journaled that I felt like I was going to travel. soon and I didn't know how, but I was, and I still have that entry. And the next day, I texted my cousin, who we've been in touch on social media for most of my life, but I'd only met her in person, like four times. And I texted her, and she lives in Colorado. And I was like, she's going to think I'm insane, but whatever. And I was like, man, are you, like, looking for a roommate in Colorado? because I have money saved and whatever.

And she was like, oh my God, my roommate just told me that he's breaking the lease this month. Please come live with me. So I got a ticket to Colorado and flew out the next day. And I lived there for about a month. And I like went hiking and I was singing with my cousin because she was a musical. theater major and I was surrounded by beautiful people and beautiful things in a beautiful new place but there was still that mental illness that like darkness that was just like that I was just not fixing because life is a beautiful adventure and I I have control over my identity

and what I do and mental illness isn't you know my problem and my men's don't work anyway I was still in denial at that point. So I, at that point, after like a week of staying there, I realized that I was constantly over-analyzing everything anyone said to me, any look that they gave me, any comment that they made, good or bad, anything, like, Haley, do you want to go somewhere? I'd be like, what do you mean by that? Like, it was just all, I was just constantly taking in and thinking about, like, everything that happened around me at all times. I was losing my mind. I think my last week there, I was on the phone with the suicide hotline in Colorado, like four times a day. And I was like, like, I was

like, this is not working. I can't do this to these beautiful people who invited me to live with them. I can't do it to myself. I need help. So I flew back to Albany and stay with my grandpa, and then I went to the same hospital again. And by now this was January 2021. one. And I was like, I don't know where I'm going to be in a month again. I'm going to the hospital again, and I'm going to be in the same situation again. But I was like, okay, whatever's supposed to happen is going to happen, and I always make it out. And I met a bunch of great people again, and I played guitar and did music, and got good therapy. And I, it was a, it was a lot of was the first time I'd ever gone off of the medication that I was on since I was like 15,

and I was so excited about it. And that definitely leveled out. My mood's a lot. And so I felt really good. And I had this great experience at the hospital again, and I made these new friends again. And my grandpa and I were trying to figure out housing because he was like, you can't, you know, stay. here permanently and I could not do it. One of the girls I met in the hospital asked me if I wanted to move in with her because she knew my situation and I had enough money to give her like $400 a month a month in rent. So I moved in to that apartment with her and I was like, okay, everything works out. I'm okay. I have a safe place to stay. But it was still. that situation where I was in my head all the time and making it my job to constantly surround

myself with beautiful things and live by an existentialist philosophy and my mental health needed to be perfect because I went to the hospital again and I will never go back because I'm better now. And I made a promise to myself while I was there. that I would never hurt myself again because I struggled with cutting. And to this day, I have not cut myself. And I got a lot of good out of that experience, but I was still alone all the time because my roommates worked. I was just around my roommate's cats, which they do good.

Yeah, very therapeutic. Oh, my God, yeah. So I was like, I'm talking to cats all day and I'm a little off the meds again and I am getting back into witchcraft and that's not a good sign. Did you find that when you were living on your own that it was hard for you to continue with the meds? Like were there like, yeah? Yes. I think that I actually didn't realize that I have, I actually didn't realize that I have a problem with control until about a month ago, which is ironic. But I, when I lived alone, my priority was controlling my self-esteem and my routine and my spirituality and my songwriting

and my art. Like I had written probably 20 songs in those two years, 2020 and 2020. but medication and my diagnosis those were still not important to me that was those weren't a part of my independence so I was like it's not that important whatever it was just something that was like there and holding you back in a way yeah um you're really good on this thank you yeah um but so yeah I was just like Like, why, like, this is not good. This isn't healthy. So I moved back in with my grandma.

I called her. I visited her after a year of us not talking. And she basically, we had both changed a lot. And even though I still wasn't healthy, I was a lot healthier than I was when she last saw me. And I had gotten more of an understanding of who I was and what I want to do with my life and how I should have been treating other people growing up. I was such a bitch. I would lie about everything.

I was manipulative because it was like nothing was real and I wasn't a real person. So I was like, shit doesn't matter. So I moved back in with her. and I immediately just was like, I'm going to go off all my meds, actually, because I just wanted to give myself a chance to see, like, is it me or is it the medication? Like, do I actually need this? Turns out I do. But my grandma was really supportive.

She was like, yeah, you've been thrown on this shit since you were 12, so I guess let's see. And I just went to a depressive episode. went back to the hospital, got back on medication, got a job at Dunkin' Donuts again, which sucks so much. I hate it there. I think any like food job is pretty difficult. I never liked, like, the restaurant business. It's very, very difficult. It is, and you have to have so much patience.

Yeah, you do. It's tough. Yeah, and I did not have that. I didn't have an ounce of patience. And this one time a guy, this was towards the end of my time working there after probably a month. This guy was like really pissed for some reason. So he drove up to the drive-through and he was like, can I have a coffee with two, it was like two half and halves. And I was like two creams and he was like, no, two half and halves. And I was like, sir, two creams.

And he was like, no, let me tell you. And I was like, no, I'm going to tell you how this one. Yeah. And then I quit like a couple days later. I was like, I can't be nice to these people anymore. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah. And I think like because of mental illness, like I dissociate a lot.

So a fast-paced job is not. So when people say dissociate, what exactly does that mean? So there are a few different types. I'm not an expert on it, but the way that I experience it is, experience it. is because of, I'm pretty sure that the same place in your brain that processes memory is also, like, connected to or the same as your fight or flight response. Okay. So when you are in a situation where you are being threatened in any way and your fighter flight responses, don't work and it just keeps happening and happening and you are living in constant fear your

your brain is like fight or flight doesn't work and you're not safe so we're just going to not be here so basically and this still happens to me happen today it's just something that happens yeah but it was like i was watching myself from another point of view or someone else's perception of me constantly, I would be zoning out in a way that was like I would be remembering things that I didn't want to remember or putting a lot of concentration and thought in my head in this trance to change the way that a conversation went and it would play out in my head. And it was like I would be sitting there staring at a wall, but I would be thinking. thinking about, oh, if this person said this, then this is what would happen. And we would

have this conversation and it would all be playing out in my head. So you're like, it's, you're like not in that exact moment. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You were like just disconnected. Like somewhere else. Yeah. Okay. So like, um, and that was growing up what my brain did to protect itself. Yeah. So, um, my sister and I joke about how our childhood was like an acid trip because we were constantly playing these awesome elaborate pretend games. We were also dissociating. Yeah. But it's still fun.

So yeah, I... I think you were at Dunkin' Dunkin' Donuts, right? Yeah. So it is hard for me to hold a fast-paced job because of dissociation. So when a lot is going on, my brain is just like, just stop working. don't process anything, don't move. So I would spill stuff all the time, and at my first Duncan job,

people would call me messy, because I would spill stuff all the time and forget what I was doing. Anyways, I left. I got in an argument with my sister about a week later, and I still looked at my grandma this time, And I, at the period of time where I had left the hospital again in July and I worked at Duncan that month.

And were you back on your meds at this point? Yes. Okay. Yeah. And it still takes a while for them to really build up and kick in. And I cannot function without my meds, which I accept completely now. I'm like, whatever works. So when I got back to the hospital and I started working,

I was back on my grind of like, my life is beautiful and I am a hopeful, passionate, artistic person. And now I know that I can't be over-optimistic because that's unhealthy. And I've learned that I can't be super negative because that's unhealthy. And that's not reality either. So I was trying to find a middle ground at this point. And I was, I probably filled up three journals that summer of just like constant mental health work. and I was going hiking every week and I was just so excited to be a new person all over again and I felt like I was back where I left off and everything was going to be okay and I was never

going to go to the hospital again and then in it was the late September my sister and I got into a huge fight while we were in the car together and at that point I had still used my eating disorder as a kind of a crutch. Is that the free? It was like, I can't hurt myself and I can't go off my meds and I can't freak out on people, but I can control what I eat and I can check how I look every five seconds in the mirror and restrict and binge. And that's okay because it's just because I care about how I look. And that's just a whole different thing that I don't need to solve yet. So my eating disorder thoughts were wild and my sister picked me up and she wanted to go hang out with her friends and I wanted to go. But I was just feeling really insecure and there have been

days that I just would stay at home because I would look at my hair in the mirror or the size of my wrists weren't didn't seem the same as the day before and I would just cry and I'd be like I can't leave the house. I thought I was like constantly picking at my skin or making sure that my jaw was that my jaw line was still sharp or something. I don't know. Yeah. No, and it's tough too because you know, nowadays we're just so, it's like all of that is forced on us to see what the perfect image is. And it's like all of those things. So, you know, I think when you genuinely struggle with an eating disorder or with anything, you know, like, I struggle with that stuff too. You know what I mean? And it's like, I love the gym, but there's half the time that I mean, I've told Julie, there's half the time

that I'm like, this is not healthy. Like, I'm not going to the gym for health. I'm going because I'm crazy about what I look like. You know what I mean? And it's like, I think that everybody struggles with that. So I can only imagine like if it's, you know, if you're actually dealing with an eating disorder, you know, or anything, it's like I can only imagine how much more intense it is. because, you know, even people that might not struggle on a daily basis, they still have these thoughts and, like, feel like, you know, I'm imperfect in this way. Or, you know, I mean, I remember not to take away from your story at all. But I remember when I'd be in high school, I think Claudia and I, we both always, like,

would joke about it. Like, if we went to school and we didn't like what we were wearing, like, we wouldn't be, I mean, we're talking about high school. Like, who cares, you know? Like, we would want to go home and change to, like, get through the rest of the day. And it's like, those are, like, what? Who cares? You know what I mean?

And it's, I mean, even like you were saying, like, because like I have those thoughts of like, well, it feels like sometimes I have a double chin and then like I'll tell somebody and they're like, you're crazy. You don't have any double chin. But you know, it's like these thoughts in our head. Like we start to see things that aren't actually there or don't even really matter because it's like at the end of the day what matters is your health, like your genuine health, not even like, you know, what you look like.

But, you know, your health and your well-being, it's like this whole perception of like. like this perfect external shell really isn't as important as we're, you know, as we think it is and as the media portrays it is. So I can, you know, I can only imagine how hard it is. Because even people that, like, because I know all the time people say to me like, oh, like, you know, especially being on social media. Like, you look perfect. You're perfect body.

And it's like none of those comments, like most of the time they don't mean anything because it's like, that's not always what I see in the mirror. You know what I mean? And it's really hard, I think, as individuals to let go of that because of, you know, of, you know, what we see every day. So I just wanted to have that in there. Yeah, thank you. It's, and like when you see someone on social media, I, of course, follow you guys.

And it's like, I would have never known that you had those insecurities. But it's like social media is like. I think everyone knows. And if somebody tells you that they don't, they're either very, very, very well found in their life, you know, and like have come to this place of like complete confidence or they're lying because, you know, their most beautiful people. I've seen interviews of fucking Megan Fox and people like saying that they're extremely insecure. And it's like we wouldn't think that because we see them as such beautiful, perfect human beings.

But mentally like a lot of people don't feel that way. And at the end of the day, like I always like talk about this is like what we see on the outside. Like of course, everybody wants to feel beautiful and like not even look beautiful, but feel it. you know, but that's like we're human and that doesn't always happen. Like there could be days where we wake up and to the whole outside world we look perfectly fine. But in the mirror it's like, ew, like I don't look that. Like I literally like some of the things you were saying of like about your wrists, like not looking the way that they did the day before like not like kind of like the same like I'll wake up and I'll be like well my stomach doesn't look his tone today. Like what did

I eat wrong? And it's like those thoughts that you start thinking in your head. It's like it's really toxic because it's like why does that matter? You know what I mean? Like, oh, you had an extra bag of popcorn last night. That's what it was. You know what I mean? Like it's so dumb. It's really unfortunate. And, you know, it's like it's, I feel like it's really easy for me to talk about because I'm, it's an everyday thought most of the time for me. Because I go to the gym every day and it's like this, you know, it's a constant like battle within your own mind of like just trying to fit this like perfect mold. And it becomes, it's crazy because it becomes something like, where it's like it's so ingrained in your mind

that it's like social media doesn't even matter anymore because now you have this own perception in your mind of like how you think you should look and then it's like a constant battle with yourself so it's like I just don't let you know you're not alone on that so we all have those thoughts Julie has those thoughts we all do so we gotta yell at each other sometimes like bitch you look fine she did it today to me so we're good you know

thank you so to you thank you I really appreciate you saying that Of course. And it's so hard because, like, a lot of it, I did six months of eating disorder outpatient from, it was, I don't even know if it was exactly six months, but it was like November 2021 to April 2022. And it took 16-hour intense group therapy sessions over Zoom every week for like six months in order for me. to get those thoughts out of my head. And basically what I learned was none of that shit actually matters.

And now, like, it basically, I remember the first day of treatment and it was just like a shock to me because they were like congratulating people on eating ice cream and pizza. And I was like, I thought this was a health group. But, and I got mad. I was like, I don't want to be here. They're encouraging me to overeat. This is unhealthy. Like, they call that the eating disorder voice.

So it's anything in your mind that has the values of an eating disorder and not you. Like, my values as a human, music, art, adventure, love, etc. An eating disorder value is control, depression, looking perfect. And like, so it was. like when I was in treatment, like my whole thing was like my eating disorder voice was my voice still, even though I had gone through all this work for self-love and meditating and balancing out my moods. And that's crazy because I was actually like the next part of my story. Like it just yeah, and then perfectly. So I basically learned that I am.

not the kind of person who can yet who can like go to the gym or not like regularly yet because I will if I like I ended up body checking which for me that was I like 10 times a day when I started treatment I was taking videos of myself walking around my room every day like 10 videos and it was just an obsession. And I did that. Do you think that was like, was any of that you think to like see what other people were seeing? Yeah. It was like all I cared about was other people's perceptions of me physically. Right. Like I would, if I was going to the gas station at 10 p.m. for water, I would like put on makeup and take a video of self walking around, be like, what if I meet my soulmate at the gas station? It was just,

just like that was for everything like it was always like I wonder how other people see me and I actually ended up body tracking the other day and I was like you know it's fine I just want to make sure that I look the same and in my head I was like why do you want to make sure and I was like oh exactly it's because you are having eating disorder thoughts again yeah But I ended up body checking. And this was this week. And it made me just that one reminder of the eating disorder. I just spiraled.

And it was like I had felt so in control of my mental health recently because I really have been. I've had a lot of epiphanies around like how I am not my illness. and that's cliche, but I'm just, I'm everything that I'm everything that I decided that I was when I started my healing journey, but that person also struggles with mental illness. And I accept that and I embrace it now. And people have their stuff to say about people with mental illness, which is understandable. If you don't understand it. And if you don't experience it, then how are you going to know?

And it's, you know, not to compare in any way, but it's interesting to me because a lot of the things that you're sharing, it reminds me of like my experience with the guy that I dated. Like just, you know, the patterns of like, you know, because I would just know too, like of him sharing his story with me of like genuinely like getting out of the hospital and like feeling like he was like. on the right track again and then going back, like usually a year later. It's almost like a relapse, you know? And I think too, I mean, what you said is spot on. Unless you experience it like within yourself or with somebody that you love or you care about, a friend, a partner, you really don't understand it, you know, like at all. And it puts life into perspective because it makes you realize that there's people that are battling themselves like every day. And there's nothing that really anyone can do, not even the person struggling, like in that moment. And I don't even

think that's because they don't want to get help. Like everybody wants to feel good and happy. But like you said, finding the right medicine takes time. Having the medicine actually kick in and know if it works takes time. You know, and I think on top of that when you said, you know, you're not defined by your mental illness. I don't think anybody is. You know, I think that everybody struggles with something and maybe not everybody is diagnosed with something, but everybody has their own thing that they're struggling with. And none of us want to be defined by that. Like we want to be defined by the acts that we do every day and who we are and how we treat people. And that is what is most important. But, you know, it's like I think that if medicine

helps you, like, of course. Stay on it. You know what I mean? Do what is going to help you and make you feel the best. But I understand that. It's, it's really tough when you constantly have these like feelings of, you know, kind of like maybe slightly going, like falling back into a same pattern. But I know that, you know, it might not be as serious as a diagnosed illness, but everyone has something that they fall back into an unhealthy habit or a pattern. And we just don't see it, you know, because not everybody's going to let you into their personal thoughts or, you know.

And it's just, it's wild because, you know, everybody has, like I said, everybody has something and as there's days that I feel like you can wake up and be like today is a good day. And that's why I think it's really important too to live day by day because it's like you can wake up and have a really good day and just take that and enjoy it. And there's a chance that you might wake up the next day and look in the mirror and just feel like you're an ugly piece of shit. And we all have those moments. But it's part of unfortunately it's part of life. It's part of being human. We're so fucking hard on ourselves.

You know, and it's sad and it sucks because it would be nice if we all practice. self-love more, but it's a really, really hard thing to learn. Like it's, I don't even know if, you know, groups in therapy, all of that can help. And, you know, I've listened to podcasts and watch videos of, you know, these people talking and it's so clear and it makes so much sense when you listen to people like telling you none of this matters. And you can know in your head, like, yeah, you're right, it doesn't matter. And you can say these affirmations to yourself in the mirror. But then when you're by yourself and you start getting in your head, then none of that matters. You know what I mean? So it's like it's really tough to, um, you know, not allow yourself.

I feel like it's tough not to allow yourself to be defined by certain things. But at the end of the day, you have control of what you're going to, you know, what you're defined by. Like, and that's, it takes time and it takes work, whether it's a mental illness or not. But you can, I feel like the more you learn about yourself and the more you grow, then the more you're able to kind of like work on like fixing certain things or, you can, you can, you know, you can, you know, improve, I don't like to say fixing, improving certain things or, you know, making yourself feel more loved within yourself. Yeah.

That didn't really make sense, but you got what I'm saying. Yeah, no, it did. And one of my therapists, before I actually gave a shit about therapy, she used to say, I can't fix you because you're not broken. And the first time I heard that, I was like, oh, shit, I'm going to try it right now. And I have really learned that there's so much that I've learned in so many epiphanies that I've had. And I've come so far with mental health. Like on paper, people wouldn't think I'm successful at all.

I don't have a license or a car or a job. And I'm just about to go to college. and I'm 21 now. But I have been through so much and I'm so emotionally mature because of what happened to me but also because of how I decided like made the conscious decision

to handle what happened to me. Yeah. Because like if I had just gone with whatever and given up, I either wouldn't be here or I would be in a very, very like alive or I would be in a very different awful place. And I think that the main lesson that I have learned is that everything in life for everyone, because everyone's experience and pain is valid.

Everything is trial and error. Like relationships, jobs, job interviews, mental health recovery, self-love, friendships, hips driving. Like what I thought was self-love turned out to be really toxic and overly positive and just me wanting control. So I was like, okay, I fell down really hard. How do I get back up? I learned how to get back up.

I learned that I got up wrong. And then I fell back down. And every time it happens with everything, I know now how to put myself back together. Right. So it's like, I think once you learn that even if you were wrong about self-love or who you are, what you want to be, like, that's okay because you're supposed to get back up. You're supposed to fall down. And each time, too, you might learn something different and change something. And, you know, even if it's starting a new path each time, it's like you learn something with each new path, you know?

Yeah. And sometimes it's like, I think a lot of everyone probably thinks about this, but there comes a point when you're really depressed or lost or manic or confused or going through a breakup because I just went through my first breakup a couple months ago and that was hard. It's tough. It's one of the hardest things. Yeah. You'll get through it though. And there'll probably be many more. Oh, yeah.

Take it for me. I am. You'll be fine. You live in. learn you do get back up yeah and each one will teach you something different i'll teach you what to look for and not look for in the next one thank god yes yes that's for sure so do you have a relationship with your mom now no not at all both my parents reached out to me on my birthday or around my birthday to basically like disown me and i was like like they called or texted or i tried to reach out to

my dad about something and he was like, I don't want to talk to you anymore. I wish you the best. Does he have a relationship with your siblings? No. Okay. But I was like, in his eyes, I was like, Haley has a big heart and she forgives. So I was taking advantage of and manipulated. And I know that was not his intention. But everyone in my family struggles with a lot. So on my 21st birthday he sent me this gift that was just every picture I ever sent him

the rest of the stuff that he has of me and my sister and a card that I made for him when he was in the hospital that I took like hours making and I was like, okay and then my mom kind of like

re-disowned me when I turned 21 too And I was like, okay, so universe, God, whatever, clearly does not want my parents in my life for this point on for a while. I don't know how long, whatever happens happens. And it's probably healthier for you, it sounds. Absolutely. Yeah.

So right now you're going to go back to college, right? Or you're starting college? Starting. Okay. Awesome. And that's going to be in New York. And then where are you living now? With my grandma.

I am going to be living in college housing, though. So I'm very much looking forward to that. Are you going to have a roommate? Are you doing yourself? I will most likely end up having at least one roommate. I am a little nervous to live on my own again because it's just so I really, I'm an introvert and I recharge by being by myself and I love my own company and I love myself. I am my own best friend.

but humans are social creatures. So when I'm alone too much, like when anyone is alone too much, it's like, oh shit, this really takes a toll on my heart. And when I'm alone too much, I completely spiral. And I've gotten better at picking myself back up and learning how to cope with everything. But there are still some things that I

need to figure out how to, I don't know, work through and accomplish. Like, I have a lot to work through and accomplish, but I have come really, really far. And I've learned that that is what I need to focus on. And like the progress of it all. Yeah. And there is so much. And I also, literally, like a month ago, I realized that. that I have always been in my heart this me.

Like there was a shell over myself because of the abuse. And then when I was able to be my own person, I just was basically putting on a mask over everything and didn't realize it, trial and error. But I think about who I was as a little kid. And I talk to my inner child a lot, which is really, really healing. And I realized that because of just who I am in my heart

and who the things that I've always enjoyed and been drawn to, I really think that whatever I went through, I would still be this Haley. But, and I let myself be mad about that because it's like sitting in your emotions and just being still and feeling. every ounce of anger in your body or sadness or fear and acknowledging that, it just lets it pass through. And I let myself be angry about it, but now I'm like, okay, well, it could have

gone differently, but it didn't. So there's a quote, I can't go back and change the beginning, but I can start where I am and change the ending. So, oh, I was saying before, I think everybody comes to a point where they're in a really deep depression or, you know, a really terrible, something really awful going on for them or just, yeah, everybody feels a little lost. And you kind of ponder on like, what's the point? And I think that to anyone listening who is thinking about that or wondering, what helped me is creating my own point for myself.

Like, figure out who you are. make a list of the things that you like, make a list of things that you value, make a list of your strengths, and make, like, what would this person who I really am or who I'm starting to understand that I am, what do they want from life? And it changes. The point of my life has been to be a famous musician or to be an adventurer or to live completely alone. And right now I feel like it's spreading awareness and making the most of my experiences and changing the ending. And it's important too because I think that people that, you know, also might struggle with bipolar disorder, when they hear this, I think they would really, really relate to it.

Because even like I said, just hearing your story in comparison to someone that I know that has bipolar disorder, there's so many points that just resemble one another and could really make someone feel like they are not alone and that there's other people in this world that have the same, you know, thoughts or same potential patterns. And it's your normal. You know what I mean? And it's like there's nothing wrong with that. So I think that, you know, we all need somebody to relate to to some degree because it makes

us feel normal and it makes us feel like we're heard and we're understood. So I think that no matter what or where your point is in life or your goal, to spread awareness, I think will always be something that you should continue to do because it's so helpful to people, even if it's just one person, it could really, really make somebody just completely, it could save their life. You know what I mean? It could completely change their mindset. It could make them feel like somebody actually in the world gets with everything. Because I can imagine that in those dark moments, it's really, really easy to feel alone.

And like, especially because like you said, you know, anybody that doesn't understand mental illness or hasn't experienced it with someone or firsthand, it might be really hard for them to not look at someone and be like, oh, they're crazy. They're off the bandwagon. But like, you know, everybody goes through their shit and to have somebody that opens up and speaks about their experience, I feel like that could really make someone feel like, well, I'm not crazy and I'm not alone. Like I just need to figure out ways to help myself feel better, you know?

And I feel like it's just as simple as that. And that's just a really hard thing for people to wrap their head around. So yeah one of the I learned in therapy that one of the key components to self-compassion is the humanity aspect just picturing like I am not the only person on the planet who feels like I want to kill myself right now or just went through a breakup or has just had the happiest moment of their life and wants to enjoy it or going through recovery like we are all connected in some way like I think I said this in the email or the original email that I sent you, but I had, she was a social worker who worked in Four Winds, and she used to say, I might end up going there again someday. I'm fine with that. It's good to get help when you need it, but she would say, you and I are no different. We're all just trying to walk each other home. And I think about that every time I share my story with anybody. So I'm, thank you so much. Of course. Of course. You did really, really, really.

great. I think you did such a good job. And like I said, I really do believe stories like yours really will touch people and help a lot of people because I don't think enough people have outlets like this to just listen to somebody else's experience and story. And I just think it was it was very spot on and perfect. You did a really good job. Thank you so much. And you doing this, like this is through you. Like you and everybody's story on here can relate to someone. Like you are helping hundreds of thousands of people by doing this. Thank you. You were an amazing person.

Thank you. You're so sweet. There are you. Thank you. And then I know that you had said that you wrote a song, right? Yeah. Okay. So is that something that you'd want me to link down below for people to listen to?

I still can't believe. No, you're fine. But if you wanted me to link it, I totally can. So I actually figured I would have something recorded by now. I've been doing like gigs and open mics, but I haven't recorded anything. Like I'm still in the process of talking to studios. So I have all my music on my Instagram if you'd be able to link.

Okay. Yeah, for sure. But that's all. Awesome. Yeah. And by the time, this probably won't come out for a few weeks. So if in a few weeks you have something recorded, let me know, send it over and I can put it in the bio for you so people can listen. Oh, thank you.

Of course. And seriously, thank you so much for coming on. I loved listening to your story. And I think you have come such a long. way and I really do believe that you're where you are now and like I feel like this goes for anybody like where we all are today we're going to be like so much further even in like a week or a month or year you know so it's like the progress that we have now is amazing but it's like something to look forward to is how far how far you're even going to go past now and it's like I feel like also just to throw in there which

I feel like everybody knows but even if you're doing like really well for a while it's okay to like knock back down and have something. I was just telling Julie today, like, sometimes it takes things going wrong to, like, teach you things and learn how to, like, make them right and make them better. And it's like, if you never had that in life, everything would be a breeze, which you would never learn anything and you would never improve on anything. You know what I mean? It's like, we're lessons are thrown at you and, like, failures and obstacles are thrown at

you so that you can improve on them and do better and learn things. And if, you know, we're constantly learning. And I feel like that's really important. So, yeah, I think the progress that you've made is amazing. I think that, you know, all of your experiences, even though, you know, the stuff with your mom and stuff, like, yeah, it's horrible and it's sad. And, you know, I think that I've always thought this, that you can either let something define you at any point in your life.

You let something define you where you can learn from it and become better from it and spread awareness about it. And I feel like there's always going to be something that someone goes through that it's like, yeah, we might look at it and be like, we might look at it and be like, why me or like how could God do this to me or why why did this happen or like there's people there's a group of people over here that grew up this way and why couldn't I have those luxuries. But you know, it's like I always think that even though some things might be really fucking shitty like they make you who you are and you have more experience because of it and it

makes you stronger and it literally helps you relate to more people and help more people because if you didn't have those experiences like I don't. know that's like a whole group of people you might not be able to help you know so me all of all of my yeah are people I've met in treatment right like the most beautiful people I meet through my experience like you guys yeah I wouldn't be here right we say that right we say that all the time and and that's one of the things that like I love about doing this is I really I genuinely get to meet people and hear so many people's stories and that's why I like the format more so now of just letting people talk because I get to enjoy it too and I get to really listen and learn and I love that people

people are able to come on here and just share their story and then other people can listen and relate and, you know, just, and like you said, it's like it's, it can help people that might be able to relate, but it can also help people that can't relate understand better, you know, so I think that's a big thing too. Yeah, absolutely. But great job. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you.