We're All Insane - Born Into Feederism

Episode Date: April 12, 2026

Groomed from childhood into a hidden fetish world, Jess spent years trapped in trauma, addiction, and a 700+ lb spiral, until losing everything forced a shocking fight to reclaim her life. → We're All Insane Plus for Bonus Episodes, Ad-Free Listening, Access to New Show, Guided Mediations:  ⁠https://wereallinsane.com⁠ Sponsored By: → Just Thrive | Get your health in check and save 20% on your first order at ⁠https://justthrivehealth.com/INSANE⁠ → Shopify | It’s time to turn those “What Ifs” into “cha ching” with Shopify today. Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at ⁠https://shopify.com/insane⁠ Timestamps:  → 00:00:00 – What does it feel like to realize your entire life was shaped before you even understood it? → 00:02:30 – What is feederism and how can it be introduced to a child without them realizing? → 00:03:10 – How can grooming happen even without physical abuse? → 00:05:00 – How can food, dieting, and control be used as psychological manipulation? → 00:06:00 – Why would someone secretly sabotage a child’s health for their own pleasure? → 00:07:00 – How does public humiliation play a role in control and manipulation? → 00:09:10 – How can fear be used to control a child’s behavior? → 00:12:40 – When does manipulation escalate into something more dangerous? → 00:14:50 – How does exposure to adult content at a young age shape identity? → 00:18:50 – How does grooming evolve as a child becomes a teenager? → 00:19:40 – What happens when a minor is brought into adult environments like clubs? → 00:22:30 – Why are teenagers especially vulnerable to harmful relationships? → 00:23:30 – What happens when a toxic relationship takes over your life? → 00:26:00 – What does feeder behavior look like in relationships and how extreme can it get? → 00:29:50 – How does someone transition from grooming into adult industry work? → 00:31:20 – Why can harmful environments feel familiar or even safe? → 00:34:10 – How do people separate their identity from their work to cope? → 00:36:00 – How can your body become tied to validation, income, and relationships? → 00:38:50 – What happens when survival pushes you into increasingly risky situations? → 00:40:20 – How can predators exploit vulnerability and past trauma? → 00:42:50 – What happens when boundaries are completely erased in relationships? → 00:45:00 – How does toxic behavior become normalized within communities? → 00:49:00 – When do you start realizing something is deeply wrong? → 00:52:00 – Why is it so hard to recognize grooming while it’s happening? → 00:59:00 – What happens when you finally start unpacking trauma in therapy? → 01:01:20 – How do you realize what you experienced was actually abuse? → 01:03:00 – How can abusers continue manipulating even after they’re out of your life? → 01:05:40 – How can financial dependence keep someone stuck in harmful work? → 01:07:20 – How quickly can physical health decline when mental health collapses? → 01:10:00 – What does rock bottom actually look like in real life? → 01:13:20 – How can loss and addiction push someone to their breaking point? → 01:16:30 – What happens in the moment you decide whether to live or die? → 01:19:40 – How do you rebuild your life after hitting rock bottom? → 01:22:00 – How do people react when you stop being the version of you they expect? → 01:24:30 – How do you let go of fear and trust that the right path will find you? → 01:28:30 – What does it feel like to finally enjoy your life again? Jess’s Links: → ⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@jessteacakes⁠ → ⁠https://linktr.ee/teacakesjess⁠ More We're All Insane:  → ⁠OFFICIAL MERCH NOW AVAILABLE - code INSANE10 gets you 10% off for a limited time⁠ → ⁠Join We’re All Insane Mailing List for EXCLUSIVE Content + Discounts  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me DeVora. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. My name's Jess and I'm 37. I'm from Ohio and I am a content creator. and I have been different kinds of content creators. But I was groomed into the adult industry from a child by my stepfather. And it felt like I've been doing it since I was 18. I'm 37, so about 19 years now.

My entire adult life felt like it was already predestined. And this wasn't immediately aware. I wasn't immediately aware of this. Like, it's taken me years to, like, process this and, thankfully, like, therapy and all that. But my late mother, she was married three times, and she was a very young mother. She had three kids under, by the time she was 23, I believe, she had three kids under five. So, wait, 24. She was 24, 25.

But yeah, she had three kids under five years old when she was married to her first husband. And I was a whoopsie baby. My biological father, my mom actually told him that I wasn't his. So he kind of moved on with his life. And as far as I know, that's kind of blurry. But as far as I know, he told his wife that he was a virgin when they got married. and then when I was four years old, my mom did a paternity test for him and with him and I was his, but he still didn't want anything, which, you know.

So biological father, already absent. Okay. My mom's first husband, abusive. Abusive relationship. I won't go too much into that. But it kind of sets the scene as to like my understanding for my mother. Like we had a complicated relationship. But setting the scene for my mother, because she's a big part of this, she was in a horribly,

physically abusive marriage, and he was not a kind person. They divorced, and she quickly got with her second husband, who I'm going to talk about. When I live with my stepfather, a stepfather now, but that's the good one. Got it. The stepfather I'm going to be talking about all in this is not the good one, if anyone's Understood. But yeah, I had three stepfather. So the second one, he was a feeder.

And that is someone who enjoys watching the women in their life. And it could be the other way around who could be men or women. But in this case, it was a man who enjoys watching women get bigger for their pleasure, oftentimes without their health in mind. it's just all about their desire. And was he doing that towards you and your mom? Yes. So obviously as a child, I wasn't super aware of it until later.

But my mom was a bigger woman, beautiful bigger woman. So I, you know, always admired bigger women in general, too. So when my stepfather was telling me these things and coaching me to be a bigger woman, when I'm like eight years old, that to me was normal, because my mom was big and beautiful. And I'm like, oh, that's fine. That's okay. My mother was married to him when I was around four.

So I considered him my biological father, trusted him. Like, you know, I never really saw anything, like, outside of what I know now through processing. Like, I never saw anything abusive or malicious. He never physically touched me. So anything coming up is not like... And that was also another element of why I never caught it.

Because I was never, like, touched in that way. And also I feel like in comparison to the other stepdad that you had, it probably seemed like, oh, this is so much better. Exactly, yeah. Exactly. And I should back up a little bit too. but my mother obsessed with diet culture as one, you know, society is. And she was constantly trying to lose weight.

She didn't grow up bigger. She gained weight after children. So finding a man I can imagine that was into bigger women and was safer, at least physically. You know, I could see the appeal in that and survival, especially. But yeah, she was very... obsessed with her image, her weight. And when I was around 8 to 10 years old, we'll say, eight to 10 years old in this time, she was putting me on slim fast diets. That was all the rage in the 90s, of course. And I did like those shakes, by the way. They were just not the

healthiest for an 8-year-old child. And knowing what I do know now about feederism, the kink and everything surrounding that. There's a humiliation aspect to it that they get off on. And my stepfather would, he would wake me up in the middle of the night with fast food. And I would be, I would, he would, under my nose. And I know this sound, to me it sounds crazy because it's like, why would you do this to a child that was put on a diet and like literally a slum, fast shake is not enough calories for a kid, no matter how big they are. I would wake up ravenous

and he would be laughing hysterically as I'm eating a Burger King burger in the middle of the night because I'm like, oh, this is a good treat. I'm eating this burger. And he's laughing hysterically. And then I would get punished by my mother because I'm eating too much on top of the some fast replacements. So question, did, so your stepfather was aware that your mom had you in a slim fast diet. Was she aware that he was bringing the fast food in in the middle of the night? I don't think so. Okay. I don't think so. But she had to have been aware of his behavior. Like, he was doing it towards her too. Yeah, yeah. Like he in general was a very, at the time the people in my family would call him like a big kid.

Like he was very immature. Okay. And he, like we could be at the grocery store. We'd be at Walmart shopping. And he would see another bigger woman. And I mean, it would be the loudest voice he could think of to use in the Walmart. And he would just be like, he's like, oh my God, look at that woman over there. Look at the gut on her.

Like, it would be that kind of. insane, like, gestures and speech to other people. To other people in public. So it would be loud, public humiliation. And that's another thing. Even if they're attracted to bigger women and they want them to be bigger, there's that shame that they feel in being attracted to them. And they will openly mock them.

Yeah. And it's just, that's just in general what we had to deal with with him. So my mom was aware of his behavior. But again, also, she was deep in her own survival, and I get that. But yeah, so he would do things like, he gave me nicknames like Little Eating Machine. Like, I don't know. Like, I can distinctly remember just eating like Doritos or something. I'm eight, nine years old.

And I'm eating a lot of them or something. And my mom's like, oh, no, no, no, no. Like, that's too much, blah, blah, blah. And my step-down would be like, oh, you're a little eating machine, like, mockingly loud in front of my old family. I have two younger siblings. So it was always, like, I don't know why I was the biggest one. So I was always the one that was targeted. So I think, too, with that young of an age, it's hurtful and it's confusing.

You know, I feel like anything around weight or appearance. in any aspect from a parental figure can just completely skew your mindset around all of that stuff. Like even if you're the most confident person, I think it just sets you up for... Oh, absolutely. Around this age as well, it wasn't just fat shaming and food shaming and public humiliation. It was like other, like, darker psychological things that you would do. and I was a very scared kid, little kid, like, I was afraid of everything. And we lived in this apartment complex, and next door, like, there was this wooded area

that me and my siblings would play in there. And we discovered, like, old tombstones, like this old abandoned graveyard, like, trees grow on around it and stuff. And we told my stepdad, and he came and, like, explored it with us. And it started getting to a point. where like he would torture us kind of with like you're going to be haunted by like they're going to come out and like get you and like whatever it's like but he did something insane when i tell people this it's like he pissed on the grave he peed on the grave and he literally is saying it out loud he says

my full name he's like i jessica and then he's like i piss on your grave or something and i'm freaking out. I'm like eight something. I don't know. And I'm freaking out. And he's like, you're going to be haunted no matter where you are. He's like, you will never be alone or something like that. And I was like in the shower and he like did something where he was like, the ghost is going to get you in here too. And like outside looking at it might just be like a silly thing. Like he's teasing because he's a big kid. But on top of all the other. weird stuff. It was just like another layer of like, I'm scared. Trauma. It's scary. I'm scared. Yeah. You're a kid, you know. And like, and that is very dark. It's

bizarre. It's bizarre. Yeah. And then like I would then be afraid to even take showers. I would be afraid to eat. I would be afraid to do anything. And then I would get punished for being dramatic. I would be punished for being scared and be called dramatic and all. And it was just all that kind of thing. I am sure so many of you can relate to the feeling of just feeling like something is off. Whether it's no matter what you eat, your stomach just isn't settling, it doesn't feel right, your exhausted midday. That is like the biggest thing that I struggle with. And something that I just started to realize is that so much of these off feelings actually tie back to your gut and your gut health, whether it's your digestion or your brain function or your focus or your overall energy

levels. And that's why it is so important to really nourish and take care of your gut. And that is why I started taking just thrive probiotics. And it's not one of those probiotics or things that you take that just looks good on paper. It actually is meant to arrive in your gut 100% alive, which is the whole point, right? So instead of just hoping that something works, you're actually giving your body a real shot at better digestion, stronger immunity, and just feeling like you are back to your normal self again. And the best part, there is no risk. You can try it and see how you feel. Start your 90-day risk-free trial today at just thrivehealth.com slash insane and save 20% on your first order. That's just thrivehealth.com promo code insane. Be the best you with Just Thrive. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American

Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder. of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts, or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. How soon into your mom and him getting together, would you say that you guys started gaining a lot of weight? Like, was it pretty immediate, or was this kind of like a progression over time? Since they got together when I was like four or five, I was actually living with my

grandparents at the beginning. around that time. So I can only remember, the earliest I can remember with him in this kind of activity was around eight years old. So it could have been, for her, it could have been earlier. Yeah. But for me, it was around eight to ten is when that really started. And I just got bigger from there.

Yeah. Yeah, like, I wasn't sure if he tried to kind of be discreet about it at first or if it kind of just like jumped in. Yeah. And like, I don't even think. my mom really could catch that. Yeah. Well, also, it's not a very common thing that people discuss.

Like, I didn't really even know about it until the episode that I filmed, like, years ago. I had no idea it was a thing. Exactly. And it's shocking. And sometimes, I mean, I don't blame people. They just don't believe it. And they don't believe how dark it can go. There are so many layers to it.

And that's why I, for so long, didn't even. tell the origins of my story with this because it's kind of just like, well, it's not that bad. But when it all builds up and then what it's led into and the consequences throughout my life, I'm kind of, you know, foreshadowing. But yeah, when it all builds up, it is dangerous. Well, and I think, too, we're thought to tell ourselves that something like that isn't as bad as something else, you know, like, oh, at least you didn't have this, this, and this happened, but everything is bad in its own way, and that doesn't make it any less bad. It's something

I think that's less common, and you don't hear about it as much. But I think that it's very twisted and it's setting you up for something that wasn't your choice. Yeah. And I think that's unfair. Exactly. Yeah. So, and progressing in my age, around 11, 12, yeah, it's just a certain. Yeah, it's a something that's not my choice, he started showing me adult-oriented magazines of fat women, bigger women, and they'd be nude. It wouldn't be like totally graphic, but when you're a child, that is graphic, right? I still struggle with being like, oh, it's not that bad, but I was a kid, so I have to remember, like, it is bad. You're a kid. Like, that was really bad that happened. And he would just show you these magazines just, would he say anything?

Yeah, like, oh, yeah, he would be like this. is what a real woman looks like kind of thing. And again, I didn't think it was negative because my mother was big. She was beautiful. And I'm like, you're right. This is what a woman can look like and be beautiful. But it was more like the bigger, the better, like, you know, the stereotypical stuff. And I would tell other adults in my family, I would be like, oh my God, my stepdad showed me this woman. she was so fat, I couldn't even see her vagina. And, like, family would laugh. And I'm like, oh, okay, that's funny, I guess.

Right, it's normal. They're like, but now I'm thinking, I have children. And if my 12-year-old said that they're, an adult, our family was showing them naked with pictures of fat women, I would be very concerned. Very, very concerned. I would probably want blood. Because it's like, why are you doing this to my kid? But, you know.

And what are your intentions? Exactly. So the dismissal by other adults and the family just normalized it even further. You know? So around 12, 13 years old, my mom got weight loss surgery. I think she was around 400 at her highest, maybe 500. I'm not really certain. But she was one of the early weight loss surgery patients, like the bariatric where they had to like cut all the way.

down. Like, and she desperately wanted to lose weight, and I don't blame her at that weight and the trauma she, I'm surely faced with her ex, you know, her husband. Were they still together when she got that surgery? They got divorced, like, right after. I was going to say, like, I wonder, like, what was his reaction to that? I'm sure it wasn't. Yeah, he, like most feeders, they are not cool at that. They're not cool with weight loss, and they will make that known. And I don't remember too much, but he would be like you're shrinking and stuff.

But I admittedly, that's crossed over with other men in my life. Like, I don't know if it's all blending together. Like, you know, I get the whole, like, don't lose weight. Don't disappear on me kind of thing. Like, it's like a desperation kind of thing. And it does make you feel bad. because you don't want your partner to not be attracted to you. But my mom and him did get divorced right around the time she got weight loss surgery right after.

But then she got with the man she was married to until she passed three years ago. So she did get with the love of her life. Thank God. Yes. Yeah, they were married for over 20 years before she passed. But yeah, she did have weight loss surgery. She went, you know, she became a nurse. and everything as well.

So her life took off and that was great. But after their divorce, like I said, I considered him my real father. My biological father was in the picture and I considered the stepdad to be my real father. I didn't really bond with my mom's new husband. I was 13 when they got married. So I'm like, eh, he's nice. And it was changed. When you were that young, it's like.

And I would still go hang out with my ex-stepdad. So, yeah, I see. kept in contact with him. But around 13 to 16, this kind of era here, I, it's, wow, this sounds like crazy when I'm going to say this, but he continued, he ramped up the grooming into the feederism, fat fetish world. There would be like club nights where they would have specific like BBW nights, big beautiful women, like BW nights. And obviously I'm a teenager. I'm 13, 14, 15 at this time.

More so like 14, 15. And he would take me to these club nights. And I specifically remember like the doorman, like the security people checking IDs. clearly I'm not an adult. And he would just be like, she can sit with me at the back table, like, I'm not, we're not going to be around the bar. So they would agree to that. These clubs would agree to that.

And I would be, like, in a corner booth by the door, closest to the door so they can keep an eye on me. But I'm still in a club, and men still approached me, grown men. Right. And I thought it was what I was supposed. supposed to do. I would bring a little notebook with me with like a pen and I would write my AOL screen name on a piece of paper for the men. And that's what your stepdad told you to do, basically? He watched it happen. I don't know if he told me to do it, but I was like, oh, this is cool. Like, I'm getting attention from older men that think I'm pretty.

That like bigger girls. And it's the BBW night. So, and I was a pretty big teenage, I was getting bigger, you know. And how long would you guys usually stay there? A couple hours, yeah, a few hours. And when you guys would leave, would you guys have any conversations about how the night went or anything like that? He would talk about the women he saw. And sometimes he would even use me to lower the women for him, too, which was interesting. And he did that for a long time, just like kind of foreshadowing again.

Like when I became like involved in the adult industry as an adult, any of the bigger models, plus size models, he'd be like, oh, I don't use to me to them. And I'm like, but they're like my age. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't think they're into you. Like you're in your 40s almost 50. Like this isn't. Yeah.

Yeah. But I'd be at those clubs, giving my contacts out to grown. men thinking that was normal. And then would you have conversations with these men? Yes. Okay. I had a longstanding one with a man that even had my address and would send me gifts and I was 15 years old.

And I actually am very thankful that nothing worse happened beyond that. You know, so yeah, Loki almost trafficked at BVW club nights. Yeah. And whenever you would talk to these men after you would leave, if you didn't end up meeting up with any of them or anything? No, we talked about things, but I never was able to, at that point, I didn't. But I did get involved with a feeder when I was 17. Well, I mean, also, that's kind of, like you said, you were set up and groomed into that lifestyle and that community. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I did get involved with him. He was 21. Okay. When I was 17, I was still in high school. But yeah, that was the only one that I really, but I met him online. I didn't give him my information from a club. But, yeah, that was an interesting time because I was still in high school. I was obviously with my mom and my current stepdad.

And I was a bad teenager, okay? But still, this was messed up. My family, they were pretty open, but he was 21, and they let him live with me in my bedroom. And yeah, he was my feeder, live in feeder, my last year of high school. And I missed a lot of school. I almost failed my last year of school, like high school. I went to a vocational high school, so I was in like the graphic arts program, and I was in like all the advanced art stuff.

Like I was doing good. And then it kind of makes me sad that like no one thought to be like, what's going on with her? It's not like her to miss over 100 days of school. It's not like her to fail art class. Yeah. What's happening at home? and that was a big one that took me a long time to, like, get over because it happened so

close into, like, that was probably the beginning of, like, me just jumping into, like, with all these feeder, fat admirer type men. And it was very normalized. So you met him when you were living, you were living with, did you ever live with your stepdad or were you living with your mom the whole time? I lived with my mom the whole time. I lived with my mom the whole time as a minor. And then when you started dating this guy who was 21 and he was into all of this,

did your stepdad know about him? I don't remember. I don't remember that as much. I was wondering if he thought, like, oh, this is good. You know what I mean? Yeah, like, it was almost kind of whenever I would tell him about guys that were into the same thing. things of him. It was kind of, yeah, it was kind of just like a, it was almost a jealousy thing, too. That was just the vibe. But I wanted nothing to do with him sexually or anything, but my mom

would accuse me of sleeping with him as I got older. With your stepdad? Wow. I never did. I never, I was grossed out by that. And frankly, hurt that my mom thought that. But because he liked bigger women. It was just assumed that that is where I got my source validation was these men. What were some of the things that he would do? He liked more of the bloating thing. Okay. So what I mean by that is like it's more of the instant gratification of it looking like I just gained in a true amount of weight. So like chugging a two liter bottle of soda and being very bloated and like you can kind of feel it. You could even hear that's like part of their kink.

So there's a lot of intertwined and the fetism and all that too. And I just remember like he also took pictures and everything too. I remember like wearing bigger clothes and he would want me to stuff it like with pillows and stuff. To make you look even bigger. Yeah, yeah. I still have those photos actually. I was a minor though.

So like there's no nudity but they're sexual in nature. kink in nature, fetish in nature. So I'm just remembering like he did, he did set up things like that. And then why was it that you were failing? Is it just because you were with him all the time? I was with him all the time. And he, I had a part-time job as well as a server at a little restaurant. And he would be extremely jealous and controlling as well. So it was kind of one of those things like, who are you talking to at school? What are you doing at work? What customers are you talking to? Like, it was just be like that as well. So there's a lot of layers to it. Yeah. So you just stopped going, really, for the most part. Yeah. Depression. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Depression.

survival. And then when you would chug things, like all the soda and stuff, would that make you sick? Oh, absolutely. Okay. Absolutely. There would be a lot of times, too, where I would hide the evidence under my bed as a teenager. You know, teenagers are messy and whatever. But, again, would get punished for that.

Like, my mom would go and investigate in my room when I'm gone and stuff when we were both gone. But he ended up living with me for six months or so. Okay. And at the time, I was defensive because my family is like, didn't understand me. You know what I mean? Like, I thought I was in love. I thought it was in a solid relationship. But knowing now, 17 and 21 shouldn't happen.

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They have AI tools in there that can help with images and stuff like that so that you don't have to feel like you need to be a tech expert. And you can build your entire store online with their templates and make it exactly how you want with your design and everything that you like. And I'm sure you're wondering, how do I get people to find me? Well, Shopify, thankfully, it helps with that too. You can create email and social campaigns super easily so that you're actually building something that people are going to show. up to, not something that you're just hoping, people are just going to magically appear. Plus, everything is in one place, the inventory, the analytics, the payment. So you're not jumping between a million different platforms trying to figure it all out.

Sign up for $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash insane. Go to shopify.com slash insane. That's shopify.com slash insane. So as soon as I graduated high school, turned 18, like a couple months after that, I went to school. I did end up graduating, thankfully. I did get a little scholarship from my graphic arts program. I started the community college. I was on a good path. I was dating someone new. It was long distance. He was my age. But we did meet through that world, the fat, you know, fat and feederism world. Now, when you say you met through that world,

there are certain websites for that? There's like forums and groups and groups and stuff. So you would meet these people kind of from that stuff. Okay. I was very well aware of all these websites. Got it. And is it your stepdad that introduced you to those sites? Yes. And he is actually very, like, infamous on those sites.

Really? Because he would harass these women. Okay. And, like, the chat rooms and stuff. So, I mean, he was just miserable. Yeah. He's such, yeah. He only has himself to blame for not finding the fat women of his dreams,

but whatever. But yeah, so I dropped out of the school college pretty quickly. And I would say ran away. I ran away to Chicago from Ohio. I lived in Ohio. And I lived in a hotel for several weeks, maybe months, with my boyfriend at the time. And so I didn't start the adult content right away, but I was like nearly 19 when that started.

So 2007, I believe, is when I started that. And I had applied for one of like the multi-girl, multi-model sites, websites. And it wasn't totally graphic in nature. It was similar in nature to the content. My stepfather would show me as a child. So nude, fetish-based, kink-based, but not hardcore. Okay. So...

So... So... So... But there'd be nudity. You definitely had to be 18 to partake. But it was familiar. It was normal. And I immediately started with, like...

I would consider it... consider like pin up. Like you would just wear a cute outfit, like you would start, you would like kind of like hang out of it. They want to see your belly. They want to see your curves. They want to see all that. And like bursting out of clothes. And I also did a lot of eating content. And because I thought this is what I was supposed to do. And I lived in Chicago and they have deep dish pizza, which is amazing. But I thought I had to eat like a whole deep dish pizza. Right.

And an entire chocolate cake. This was one of my first sets that I ever filmed for this website where I polished it all off. And I was immediately so violently ill. Yeah. And I was just like this, my boyfriend at this time, he was a feeder. He's like, he's like, oh, yeah, this is good content. and I'm just like so sick and I'm like, this is what we're supposed to do. Like, I remember thinking, yeah.

So you getting sick was on camera too. No, no, no, no, no. But it's just looking back and I'm just like, you're not concerned. Yeah. You're not concerned about how I am, like after content like that. Like, that's just normal and part of it. Like, oh, yeah, this is just what happens after you stuff yourself. And like, to me, I'm just like, okay, well, we're just going to keep going.

Like, obviously I'm an adult. Yeah. So I'm still like, all right, like I'm making my own choices. But knowing all the back story about, you know, just, I just thought it was totally completely normal. Right. Quick question. These, they're called feeders. Okay.

These feeders, do they usually eat a lot too? Like, or it's not really like that. If you are the one eating or being fed, you're a feedy. Okay. Or a gainer. It can be interchangeable. Okay. I never even like to consider myself a feedy.

Okay. But yeah, most of the time, they aren't the ones gaining, like eating and gaining. Okay. So it's not like they're doing it with you. It's just all. It's not really like their pleasure. Okay. Got it.

Yeah. So, I mean, granted, I'm sure there's, and there are. Mm-hmm. But. Right, it varies. There are. And there's also, obviously, the women, there are. women and feedies that enjoy the pleasure that being fed and overeating gives them.

But for me, it never was a personal pleasure. I considered it my job. I considered it my job. And in fact, I desperately tried to keep it so separate that, like, you know, I had a stage name. But I would like almost shift into her to protect myself. Right. Because I'm like, this isn't me in real life. This is the model.

This is the, you know, and I would always say, oh, I'm not a feedy. I'm not a feedy. I just like eating. I like my body no matter what weight I am. And that's true. Like I worked very hard on always loving myself. Yeah. But it was also a form of protection because I wanted to lose it at some point.

Just like I could never lose the weight. I think it's difficult too because it was your, like you said, it was your job. So you knew to a certain degree, it's like, well, I have to stay this way to continue what I'm doing. Do you feel like the kink itself ever affected the relationships that you were in? Like, did it ever interfere with the... Oh. Yeah? Yes.

Like, because of the industry I was in, I was well-known. I am well-known in the industry. I'm still in it. But I was one of the industry. most popular well-known ones. So I had access to probably an unlimited source of men that were attracted to me, which most of them were feeders. But there's a distinction between, most of the time, there's a distinction between someone who just has a preference for bigger women and then feeders, which are more extreme. Luckily, I've been finding, you know, men and other people who

aren't just, they're not in the feederism. I've largely distanced myself from that. But there are some that I am still associated with because they're good people and they don't subscribe to the abuse part of it, obviously. And it's hard for them too. There are definitely feeders that I've come across and they feel an extreme amount of guilt, but that's not mine to carry. Like I know there's a lot that have an affliction. It's an affliction. And then this relationship that you were currently in at this time. In Chicago, one of a percent. And then with that one, do you feel like the relationship primarily was focused around your career and the seating rather than like a romantic

connection? Absolutely. Yeah. My weight was tied to validation and income and anything romantic at that point. I'm 18, 19, yeah, 19 at that point. I would say every single relationship I've been in has been with a feeder or a fat admirer. But that quickly dissolved that relationship. There was other things happening within that relationship where he just was not good for me. And I was desperate to get out and I wasn't welcome back home in Ohio. My mother and I had a very complicated and strained relationship for many years in my early adulthood. So I wasn't welcome back home. And the only option I had left was to run away to Canada, which is not funny.

But sometimes I think I like how, like, just, I just don't know how I survived half of this stuff because I'm like, where am I going? Right. And you never wanted to live with your stepdad, I'm assuming. No. I do eventually, though. Okay. Just not yet. So not yet. Yeah. Canada it is. Canada it is. Yeah. So, yeah, I took a four-day Greyhound bus ride to Alberta, Canada, and met a man that I had only been talking to online for a couple months. I had been living with my. my ex and, you know, I couldn't live there anymore. So this man was the owner of one of those forum websites, one of the feeder, like, fat, kink websites. So already I'm like, all right, this is the next logical, safest thing for me.

I can continue to do my modeling. I can continue to do what I'm just used to at this point still. And I was 19 and I believe he was 26. And that's legal, but still, I'm coming from like just back to back to back, just men that only saw value in me producing and gaining. mean. So it was, again, natural. And as soon as I got to his house, he, yeah, he just, he did some disgusting things to me. And that's all I'll say. Like, immediately. And I just was like, okay, this is it. Like sexual stuff to you? Yeah. I had to do it.

Now, was that for just him? Or was that for what, like, what he was doing with the forums? That part was just for him. But then we got to a point where I was opening up more to him because I didn't know him very long. So we're talking more about life and I'm living with this man in Alberta. Okay. Like thousands of miles away from home. And I'm telling him my life story. And this man's a feeder.

He's a feeder. And very proud of that. And I told him I was raised by a feeder. I told him about my step-bed. And you want to know what he had to say about that? But he thought that was hot. He thought that was great. And I just kind of shut down because I think part of me was like, I want someone to see that how fucked up that was.

I wanted them to see how messed up that was and then treat me differently, treat me better. but it just made him latch on more. And I'm assuming that was like an end for him to just keep going harder. So we eventually got married. Wow, okay. After three months of me living there with him, we got married. We would film content together. And a lot of it was, it was nude, but it wasn't like hardcore again.

But there would be scenes where there's something called force feeding, where it's kind of like you're tied up, your hand, no hands, and you're being fed physically by a feeder with by their hands or there's like funnel feeding. Like it's like those beer bong, beer bong things. Yeah.

And like pour shakes down them and stuff like to fat and up faster. And we would film content like that where I was tied up and stuff and he would forward that to my stepfather. He would upload it. Well, we would upload it because, you know, I was posting content. Right. He sent to my stepfather. Did he respond?

Oh, yeah. He was, I don't know if it was him that was upset when my stepfather's girlfriend was upset. And, of course, I got reprimanded for that. Like, I felt like I didn't really have a leg to stand on because I can. I didn't consent to filming. Right. I didn't consent to my husband forwarding my content to my stepfather because he thought that was hot that he raised me like that. And my mom had already thought I had slept with him anyway.

So I'm just like, what can I even say? No one's going to believe me. No one's going to believe me. I don't really remember if my stepdad thought that was messed up. I really don't remember. I just remember the women, like my mom and his girlfriend being like, Yo. Right. But I'm like, how do I defend myself against this? Yeah. I can't. Right. I just can't. So there was a lot of just boundaries clearly cross, a lot of overlapping. It just was blurred. And what else could I do but

double down on my survival and just keep, keep producing that type of content? Now the content that you're making with him, were you guys splitting the money? You know, I lived in Canada, so I technically couldn't, like, really work. Yeah. I still got paid by an American company. My checks would get mailed to me. Okay. But I would have my own money.

But, yeah, he would pay for, like, rent and things like that. Got it. Okay. So it was basically you were... Like, I had my own money, at least. But we did eventually move to Toronto. Okay. So, and that's when things kind of kicked back up with...

Well, not kicked back up. I'm sorry, I should say, that's when, like, you know, it just got deeper in it. Yeah. And I'm not blaming these women at all. But I did meet more women in the same industry as me. And they were all loosely tied into feturism. And I don't really know most of their stories. And they were my safe space.

Like, you know, no matter how shitty things went, you know, things always fall out. But I always have like a little bit of a complex with that as like, oh, my God, but we're all in the same kind of world in the same industry. So there's a lot of competition. There's a lot of drama. And we're also very young too. It was probably nice to some degree to kind of feel like you met other women that shared what you were doing. Exactly. Yeah.

And so in a way I felt safer. But also my husband was just a creep. He was a creep. And now he had access to an unlimited supply of women because I knew about five or six of their models in Toronto. And I remember one time I threw a party, like a house party, and I had all of them over. And I'm obviously not going to say who the model was that this happened to,

but this was like one of my, should have been more red flag. There were red flags, but this one really struck me, like, in a way that I'm just like, who are these men that I'm always involved with? And I blame myself a lot of the time. But this model, she was a bigger, bigger. She had a bigger bottom like me.

You know, we were very similar shaped and everything. And we, my husband was like in the middle. like we're on this big couch. I'm on one side of him. He's in the middle. There's an open seat. My friend comes out from the bathroom at this party, my house party. And she's wearing a dress, just like a normal regular sun dress. And as she goes to sit down next to him, he puts his hand like this straight up. So it goes straight up her dress and up her bottom. And she kind of, you know, he's kind of like laughing and she's kind of laughing out, but I'm looking at her and I'm like, she's really uncomfortable.

Yeah. And like, what do you say in that? Like, at the time, I'm like 20, whatever. And like, I wish this was, that was me. Now I would be throwing hands. I would be throwing hands, not because that was my husband, but because he's assaulting my friend, assaulting a woman. And it just was one of those things that was super normalized in general in the community.

When I say community, I mean like the fat community, the feederism community. But we generally say the community. So I might just say that frequently. And when I say the industry, it's more like the modeling side of it. So in the community, it was very normalized and okay to grope and touch Valemin. because it just felt like we were just, we owed them that is what it kind of felt like. But no, that was very normal and frequent behavior, not only from my husband, but just from the men in general. Even towards you?

Towards me, for sure, yeah. So it was one of those things, too, that I felt almost guilty to call out because I was so warped and wrapped into that world. and financially that I would feel guilty calling them out on toxic behavior because I was also grateful that I was being funded. Like my lifestyle was I could do whatever. I could travel. I could do whatever. And I did end up going on the Tyro Bank show.

Really? When I was 20 years old, I'm married to this guy. and this was around the time where I was wanting to leave him. Like, I wasn't with him very long before I was like, I need to get out, not only because I thought he was creepy and it sucked being with him, but, like, he was a predator. Like, he just was not a good person. And it felt too much like my stepfather,

where I still didn't understand the connection. I still didn't, at that time, didn't understand. Because on the Tirebank show episode, I rewatched it recently. And I could see, like, I'm like 20 years, a fresh 20 year old. And I'm like sitting there like ringing my hands in my lap when my step, the topic of my stepfather came up. Because my mother went on the show as well. And my husband at the time was there.

Because the whole episode was about I wanted to lose weight. and I didn't want to get bigger than what I was, basically. Like, I didn't want to get over 400. Like, I kept making boundaries for myself. But at the time of getting on Tyra, I think I was around 350 or more, 350 pounds. But this is when my husband was, like, doing the weird stuff with my friends and, like, just continuing the toxic behavior. but he would literally grab my belly and be like,

don't, don't do this to me. Don't do this to me. Don't shrink. But then he would also cheat on me with skinny women. And I'm just like, okay, it just really messed me up. It really messed me up. Not skinny women, but just women that were like smaller. And I'm just like, why is, instead of being like this is messed up,

I was just like, why is he choosing? a smaller woman when I'm not allowed to. Like, everything was just around weight, and everything. And back onto the show, I brought all that up on the show. And when my mom said, I'm sure Jessica got this idea from her stepfather. She goes, my ex-husband, her stepfather, he was into bigger women, too. And I am like ringing my hands in my lap.

And I'm like, oh my God, you wanted to say it so bad then. Like I wanted to say it so bad. I'm like watching myself. It's like interstellar when he's like yelling. It's like I just, I wanted to say it so bad. But like all I said was he was really positive about it. He was like big women are beautiful. And I meant that because that's what he did say to me.

He's like, big women are beautiful and you should look like this. But I never went deep into how deep it went. Because I honestly didn't really recognize the depth of it at that time. But something in me did. But I can see how uncomfortable I was just when my stepfather came up. Yeah. But that's like the only evidence I have, like, physically that I could go off of. And it's interesting.

I feel like for you to be able to look back and realize like, okay, I definitely knew in my gut something was off, but I just didn't really, you didn't know how to identify it then. Like, label it for what it was. Exactly. Yeah. Because I was just trying to deal with what was in front of me. Yeah. Like, I'm just like, how do I express to my husband that I can't realistically be this for you and live a happy life? And just obviously the cheating in general is not good, but I was still willing to work on things. but like it was, he kind of backpedaled. Yeah.

He backpedaled and basically made it seem like it wasn't toxic or anywhere near emotional abuse. And of course, Tyra's like sensationalized and stuff. Yeah. But like, she called him out, you know. She's like, you're backpedaling, okay? Yeah. Kind of thing. And in that relationship that you were in, when you guys weren't filming or making content,

were there things that he would still make you do in your own time? together, like just within the relationship off camera, like feederism-wise? Honestly, it wasn't really that bad. Okay. Like, it was, I can't really specifically remember, like, our everyday food. Yeah. Was just, like, but it wasn't like he was doing what your stepdad was doing, like, bringing food in in the middle of the night. Yeah, like, not, like, not using it as, like, a psychological tactic to, like, I don't know.

It was different. It was more of the, like, I'm going to. sleep with women that are smaller than you while you're not allowed to get smaller. Okay. Yeah. And it was more just like, again, I think, you know, I was beautiful. I'm still, you know, beautiful no matter what my size. I just wanted to be healthier.

I didn't like how I was feeling. I didn't like the rapidness of the weight gain either because, well, it was hard to find clothes, first of all. I was just, it was health, but I was more worried about the clothes. I was like, I was like, I can't fit in anything. There's nothing. This is the early 2000s, like, well, almost 2010, but like, there was nothing for plus-sized clothes. And I wanted to be cute. It didn't look like a little grandma at 20 years old.

Right. You want to feel good. Yeah. So I was just trying to be my best self, and it felt impossible. So around 21, I got divorced from him. him and I moved in with my stepdad, the one that groomed me, the feeder stepdad. Was that a hard decision for you to make? It was, I was in survival still.

Yeah. I was like, no other option. I can't go, but I still couldn't really go back home. This wasn't, you know. Yeah. I was on better terms with my mother, but they still lived in like a small home. Mm-hmm. And it was just not feasible.

Okay. And I was just like, okay, my stepdad has. a home and he lives by himself. And he just said, I just want you to cook and clean. So I didn't have to pay rent. So I was just grateful to land somewhere and not be homeless. I had been living with my best friend's family before that, like for short term, but again, not realistic. So I was just like, I have to do what I got to do. But he took my content photos for my website. Really? Yeah.

Full new? Not all of them. Okay. But yeah, some nude, yeah. There was a few sets that were nude, yeah. Did it make you feel uncomfortable? Absolutely. Like, when I think back to it, I'm like, that is really weird.

Like, I would probably, not probably, but I would justify it in my head at the time because I'm like, he's not my biological father. And he understands this world. Yeah. He, like, knows what's, you know, popular and what could make money. He knows the angles. Like, I'm just thinking of it, like, financially, too. So I'm not trying to be like, you know, he's forcing me to do these, but it's weird. It is weird.

And I'm sitting in his home because I had no other option either. So that was a temporary situation. Again, I bounced around with men because that was just. just my survival tactic. Yeah. Like, and I had an unlimited supply, it feels like, of men that I could attach myself to because of feterism in the fat community. That was a survival tactic.

And I moved in with my, I got pregnant with my, I met my son's father at my, because I went back to community college too. So I did go back to school. when I lived with my stepdad. And I was still producing content. But I wanted to like finish school or try to. And I met my, what would be my son's father there. And I moved in with him pretty quickly.

But again, he wasn't a feeder, but he was still like, fat admirer, obsessed with the more of a porn addict more than anything. And I felt hypocritical. because of the adult content I made, I felt like I wasn't allowed to, like, say no to this man about how, I don't know, it was just, he would, like, show me other porn and be like, like, we need to do this, we need to do this. Like, it was just like, I never was just desired because of me and who I am.

It was like, what else could you do for me? How could you act out my fantasy? Like, everything was about sexual pleasure and, Yeah, so, you know, I could sit here and be like they were horrible to me, but, like, also, it just felt like that's what I was supposed to do. Like, I don't know how to explain it. Yeah. Yeah, like, I didn't know how else to explain it even now, because I'm like, well, I was an adult. I was an adult. I am an adult.

But I'm just like, okay, this is how life goes. And I would even say I feel like I've sat in my victim as I got older. I would say probably I'm going to just like launch it forward to like COVID times. Okay. Because I'm still deep into the modeling. Like I'm making good money. I have two children at this time now. I had retired from the multi-girls site that I started.

that I started with years before, like the first site I had ever started with, and shifted into OnlyFans. And I thought I could take more of my power back kind of thing. And it's not that like I didn't have power with that website. I don't want to blame them at all because like everything I did with them was consensual. It was like the outside relationships, the outside community that I struggled. with finding, like, peace with. So I sat in my victimhood, my story for so long,

and this is when I started opening up more in therapy around 2020, 2021. It's like I dove deep into it. And I was very thankful for that because I, there was a lot to unpack. And I'm not just saying, like, just the stepdad feeder stuff. There was a lot of other stuff, too. but as, you know, just of circumstance, you know, it all gets wrapped, wrapped up and stuff. So 2022, something like that, I finally opened up to my therapist. And we had a good professional relationship.

And I told her, I was like, you know, I'm a doll content creator. And it's like fat fetish. It's like, and then she's like, this would have been great information. We shouldn't know, like, a long time ago. Right. Three, four years ago. And then she's like, so much is making sense now. Yeah.

For her, it was like a boom. Like, that was... And I was like, okay, I had a lot of shame admitting it to her because I didn't want to seem like I'm making excuses for... I don't know. It was just so interesting. Like, I don't know why my brain did that, but that's when I really started unraveling all the, like, oh, that's.

was grooming because I would always say, like, he never touched me. Yeah. He never touched me. Never. And, but it was just the set up of it. I don't know. It's just, uh, but my, my therapist, she would have shook me if she could. Like, she's just like, that's still abuse. It's still abuse. So after you figured out what was actually happening with your stepdad, kind of looking back through the years, did you cut him off? Did that? Did that? that changed the relationship. Oh, yeah. I was getting to a point where he would, like, send me photos of, like, my friends who were

modeling. He was like, oh, can you hook me up with them? I mean, he had always done that, but it was getting, like, to a point of harassment. And I'm just, like, they don't want you. I was getting, I'm mean. I was getting mean. Yeah. Like, I was just like, I'm done with this.

Like, bye. But, like, my mom still, I don't want to blow up all her stuff, okay, but my mom still had a, toxic connection to him. Like, I know that he was still harassing her as well. And when I blocked him in 2016, I never really heard the end of it because, like, it's like, but I don't want to, I don't want him in my life. I don't want him. And as far as my mom died in 2023.

As far as I know, he was harassing her up until her death. Okay. because my mom would, you know, she always wanted me to lose weight. She always wanted me to lose weight and be happy and be healthy. That was a given, okay? But she was very not okay with the work I did. She claimed I was in a cult, and there is cult-like mentality in this community. Like, it's very, very tied into, if you call it out, you're by, you're not good.

like if you call out anything, they take it on as like they're all like, I'm not telling you you're all like this, but there are aspects that are horrible. But yeah, my mom, she very much wanted me to get out of it. And what my stepdad would do, my ex-step, you know, not my mom's current husband at the time, but my stepdad would send her photos of my content. and it would make her spiral out and be more even more worried for me and be like, I see what you look like now. This is, you know, I'm over 600 at this point.

And she's rightfully worried. But then there's that layer of like, what is he doing sending that to her? He's not sending it to her because he's worried. He's sending her my explicit photos to taunt her because that's what he's always done. Yeah. is humiliate women for his kink. And he thought it was hilarious. And I'm assuming that it's what got him off.

Did you and your mom ever discuss his grooming? No. So it was kind of just like it was what it was. Like you figured it out. I think she passed away thinking that I slept with him and that it was just a toxic mess. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you ever want to talk to her about it? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And at the time I also defended that work too, though, because I'm like, this is, you know, what I got. Because she would say it's a cult. She wanted me to completely get out of it, but I struggled with that because I'm now so deeply intertwined. I'm like unemployable everywhere else because I'm just like, I don't know what else I could do. That would make the same money. because if I did anything else,

it would just not be enough. It would not be enough to raise my family. And I was terrified of losing my family. I was terrified of losing my kids as a single mother. I won't go too much into this, but my biggest fear was losing my kids. And that ended up happening because I was over 700 pounds.

And when my mom passed three years ago, I went into like the deepest, darkest grief hole. You know, when you lose your mother, it's, it's, it's, you always expect it, but it's just, I went into this grief spiral. And I will just say, I like rotted away in my bed. And I was always kind of cocky with my weight. I'm tall. I was always healthy for a big girl. but I was always cocky with my weight. I'm like, oh, I'm healthy, I'm fine, whatever.

But when I didn't get up anymore for months at a time, yeah, your muscle mass goes real quick. Your health goes real quick. It comes at you fast. And I, it just was getting worse. Like, I had stopped driving. I stopped taking care of myself because I only had energy to take care of my kids. I just kept by the default. I was like, by default, I need to make sure my kids are okay.

But it's that thing, like when you're on an airplane, they're like, help yourself first before you help someone else. I didn't, I didn't do that. So my health drastically declined. How long did you stay in bed for? I think in 2023, it started getting bad in the middle of the year. So like summer to, well, God, it was nearly two years, a year, over a year and a half at least. I developed really severe, like, lipidemia, lymphedemia. I was having a hell of a time getting insurance to approve me for anything.

That was another layer. It was like no medical places were taking me seriously. It was all, just get weight loss surgery. And I'm like, I know. But, like, I need other help. Yeah. And, you know, bless my doctor. He did the best he could fighting insurance, but they just, I was diagnosed with, like, stage

four lipidemia with lymphedemia in 2023, the end of 2023. And fought my insurance for nearly a year to get approved. And then they never did for treatment. Yeah. So, and just in a serious. on unfortunate events. Like, it was like, the end of 20203, it was like I started having these, like, weird seizures from, because I was laying down all the time. I would like feel like, I feel like, like, water in my head. Like, I would just feel like, oh, like, you know. And I just

never wanted, I just, it was uncomfortable to get up. Would you get up to, like, shower, use the bathroom or anything? My bathroom was in my, I had, like, an onsuit. Okay. And then my kids had their own bathroom as well. And at this point, I was all fortunate enough. The man that I was dating at the time, he would pay for, like, housekeeping and stuff like that. So for a while, like, house was fine. Okay.

Like, not raising my kids the best because I couldn't even leave the house, but things were okay for a little bit. But when the end of the year of 2023, I wasn't getting up the shower. I would do like the bed baths is what I would call it. Like I could barely get up to go to the bathroom. That would wind me and it would be like 10 feet to the bathroom. But yeah, I would have these weird like dizzy spells and my muscles are so weak. My body just couldn't support itself anymore.

And I had then got COVID right after that. and then pneumonia, and then it had some sort of skin infection and stuff. So I was just like back to back to back, to back, trying to just survive in my bed. I had been stuck in bed from November 2023 to April 2024. That was like the biggest length of time where like I couldn't do anything. I couldn't do anything but like in bed. My hair was so matted. My hair was so matted.

I had to cut my hair off. Like, my hair was, like, longer than this. And it's super thick. Yeah. And I had to cut it off. I just was like, fuck it. I can't do this. And I felt a lot of shame because, well, my kids' fathers, they weren't really around.

They were, that's a whole other thing. But, like, the one. My daughter's father, he knew what was happening, but that, he's still a current frustration. So I'm just like, let's not get too angry about it. But like, he knew what was happening. And I would beg my children's fathers for help. They were very much vacation dads. They love their kids, but they were very much like, you got this.

You've always had this, right? But when I needed help, it wasn't their responsibility, of course, to take care of me, but they did need to take care of their kids when I couldn't. And then in April, 24, my best friend, he'd passed away from cancer. And then it was just another hit, another grief. And I just spiraled out of control. And my son, love him. He did nothing wrong.

He's 12 at the time. he called help for help because he was worried about me. But then they got taken away. And it was cited literally in the papers from the police. Mother over 700 pounds and can't take care of her children. And I was like, whoa. Whoa. And how long were they taken?

They're still with their fathers now. Okay. Yeah, they were separated. and it was very traumatic for everyone. It was just like an immediate, like, it was just like one second they were there and they were gone. And I was housebound, so I couldn't even go see them if I wanted to. And it was just like this big thing,

because I didn't lose them because of abuse. It was neglect due to circumstance. And that was like the hardest thing to accept. And to me that was like the all. ultimate like, okay, what I thought I was doing was right by, you know, doing the work that I did. But I was like, that is not worth losing my kids. It was never worth that. Or my health. I was like, I'm not going to cry. It's okay. When it comes to my kids, though, that's everything. Right. That's everything.

100%. It's not about, it's no longer just about you, you know? Yeah. And, yeah, my addiction was really bad in 2024. Like that I had addiction issues over the years, but I had, as soon as I lost my kids, I was just like, I don't care about myself anymore. Like, I was hoping to die. I was really, really hoping to die.

And I was isolated in my bed. My kids were gone. I had felt like there was no way for me to fight for them back. I was seen as a villain. I was painted out to be this horrible villain, this horrible monster. But from the outside, it did look horrible. It did. And so I wanted to die.

I went harder into my prescription abuse, amphetamines, benzos, very reliant on. using the anphetamines to be able to get up and do anything, and then relied on the benzos and muscle relaxers to even try to sleep. And you were just mainly by yourself during this time? Oh, I was by myself, yeah. Were you still making content? At this point, no. I was just kind of coasting on Onlyfans' revenue from what I already had done.

Okay. I was back and forth between wanting to retire and just disappearing completely. And like, you know, I didn't want to admit what happened. Like a lot of my fans were like, we're like, why are you retiring? Like, oh, we don't want to see you lose weight. But I just wanted to be like, the reason I don't have my family is because of my weight. But I felt like I couldn't say that because it's. It's like, well, this is my fault. This is my fault. Like this, they didn't, you know, my fans didn't

tell me to gain that much weight and rot away in my bed and neglect my children. They didn't tell me that. But I also didn't feel like I could say that as a reason why I need to go away. I need to change. I don't know. It was just very, I don't know, explain it. It's still fresh. Yeah. Like, it's still so fresh. No, and it makes sense. Sometimes you don't have to have the words to explain it.

Yeah, exactly. But my kids being gone, they, that, that, you know, my addiction picked up, but so did my, like, thirst for revenge. And, you know, I went through a whole cycle of, like, a roller coaster of, like, yeah, like, I said, I wanted to die. It's not funny. Understandably so, though. Like, I wanted to go. And I, I purposely overdosed October 1st, 2024. I don't know how or why I survived, but something like more powerful than me, I feel like, and maybe it was my future self, but something literally, I remember like being okay with dying,

but something in my head woke me up and literally I could hear it screaming saying, get the fuck up, Jess, get the fuck up. And I just like, I don't even know how. I don't know how I took enough to kill a 700-pound person. And I, yeah, I did a good number on myself. I spent nine days in the hospital.

Did you call for help? Yeah, I did. I just remember, like, 10 people coming in my house. Like, it's very blurry. It's very choppy, but I just remember. And they probably, do they have to get you out, like lift you out of there? I had a wheelchair at the time because insurance didn't approve my lipidemia stuff and my muscles were, like, gone.

Right. They did approve a wheelchair, though. So, I had a wheelchair that I used to get around the house. I could walk, but obviously I was so, I had just taken everything in my arsenal. I couldn't walk. I just remember, like, there was like several people. I just remember, like, one was a woman. There was a big man behind me.

There was someone like, I mean, they're like pulling me up into this wheelchair. And I know they like backed up, like pulled the ambulance in my yard and like backed it right up to my door. So I basically was like thrown in the ambulance. Yeah. Like, and I remember laughing, too. I remember laughing. There was like a cop there. It was the cop that was there when my kids were gone.

Interesting. I do remember that. Yeah. And he's just like, how are things? I was like, you tell me, and I was laughing. I'm like, this was several months after my kids were gone. So I see that as my, now this is my second life. I'm like living again.

That was the turning point. Yeah, that, that, I got sober and I survived. I survived that. And it just hit me. Yeah. That just hit me. Yeah, I survived that. And I've just been like nonstop go, go, go since then.

2025 this past year was just so transformed. formative in the way of like identifying the core. And obviously all the therapy helped and everything previously. But like now I'm just like, now I actually have to take action. I just like I don't know where it came from, but I just launched myself, launched myself forward because I wanted to get my kids back. Do you think that after figuring out like through therapy, and just through everything that's happened,

do you think after figuring out the core calls of everything and just like this ripple of events, do you think that it's made it more difficult for you to continue in this industry? Yeah. So I'm still in it. I am making clearer boundaries, though. Before I was so afraid to admit that I couldn't do that anymore

because it met losing a huge chunk of my income and security for my kids, but I already lost everything. Yeah. I already died and came back. What else do I have to lose but a bunch of weight and getting kids back, you know? Yeah. So I just wanted to, it took more time, but I have a lot of wonderful friends too. I have amazing friends.

and I just made emotional too. It's okay. It's good to be emotional. My friends are amazing. They're why I'm still here, you know. And a lot of them understand the nuance of this industry and why it is so hard to walk away from any sort of sex work or adult work, especially when it's been so ingrained.

in your entire life and that what else, you know, I would love to just like jump into full-time content creation, mainstream. I'm trying to do more mainstream stuff. Like I do plus size traveling stuff now. But for now I still have to do. Well, I say have to. But yeah, I have to. I have to. I have to do this while I'm transitioning to something else. But like I said, clearer boundaries. I don't necessarily directly say weight loss on my adult platforms because they want a fantasy. I was going to say, how are the people in that community reacting to you losing weight? Yes. So on my mainstream platforms where it's not adult oriented, I'm very open about my weight loss journey. And I'm also mindful of like the body positive community. I still want to be fat positive.

body positive, like all of that. So I'm not trying to be too like diet central and weight loss obsessed. It's also about help, your health. It's a wellness journey. But weight loss is a huge part of that. And that's just the reality of it. Like I was over 700 pounds. Like I had to lose weight. And I don't talk about that on my paid platforms, but obviously my fans find me on other stuff. And oh my gosh, the comments on my videos where I'm just talking about getting healthier and I'm obviously happier and things like that, there's comments that literally like your beauty was only in your excessive weight was one of the comments that I remember. So like it just happened a couple months ago. I've got weight loss surgery. And I'm just like, really?

That's what you think? Like I can understand I'm a fantasy for you. but like in real life this is what they're thinking like there's no distinction right and i think that was the hardest part for me to grapple was like i spent all this time trying to separate it because they didn't weight gain and fetism isn't something i enjoyed this was like a product of like your environment yeah i didn't want that but yeah no they didn't like it but at the same time i did have a lot of them coming out and being like, I'm very happy for you. You seem happier.

Like, but there is that divide. Are you worried that you're going to lose a chunk of your fan base, the more weight you lose? I already have. Okay. Yeah. I had to just get over that fear. Yeah. I just had to, that's why I wanted, oh, that's what I wanted to get into was my friends.

Like, they're like, they just fully are like, we are supporting you. And we are here to remind you you're worth way more than that. Absolutely. And I'll find my audience. I'll find my audience and the right people will stay. And I just have to be like, this is what you get now. You either like me or you don't. Yeah.

And I think, too, you know, you are opening up a door for an entirely new community. Exactly. People that want to go on this wellness journey and with you. And I think that it only makes you more relatable that you don't fit into one category. You know, you are somebody that's tapped into so many different aspects and parts of you in your life. Like you've struggled with addiction. You've struggled with trauma. You've struggled with being groomed.

There's so many different parts of you that different people could relate to those different things. And I think that that opens a door to something completely different on social media. Yeah, I mean, just from what I've already shared, oh my gosh, I get so many private messages from women. I'm sure. That are just like, that was my goal. If I could help one other person, that's, I want to create that ripple effect. And then hopefully they create their own ripple effect and it just keeps going, like in a positive direction. Because that's what I want to do.

Like, I have platforms. I want to be able to promote that. But I also wanted to call out the predatory behavior, and especially people like my stepdad, my ex-stepfather, who that was his ripple effect on me. Like, look what happened. Yeah. And I say this because I know how people can be in the comments.

I think it's important for people to know, too, that it's not about putting the blame on somebody, but as a child, that is such a crucial time. And you, I mean, this is, whether you're a child or you're an adult, you are what you surround yourself with. You become to a certain degree what you're taught. And that was what was set up for you. And how were you supposed to know any different?

And I think when you come into so much money at such a young age, nothing else really does compare to that. And anyone can say whatever they want. Like, oh, what if your kids see it? Or, you know, people will always want to make comments about sex work and everything. You want to know what I say to that, though? Go ahead. What if your kids see it?

I'm not going to tell them about it until it's an appropriate age because it's not appropriate to tell a kid. Right. If a kid happens to see it, be like, this is something that mommy does, like, for adults, you shouldn't be seeing this. And it's really none of their business, actually. It's not their business. It's not children's business.

It's not. Yeah. And I was very strict with keeping that separate. Like, very, very strict. They think I'm famous on, like, YouTube and stuff. Yeah. They, they, that's why I have separate, like, names, like stage name for adult, different name for my.

And you do what you got to do, you know? And I think that your story is extremely interesting because I, like, we talked about in the beginning, and it isn't a topic that I think a lot of people are very familiar with unless they're into it. So I think it's important in that sense to spread that awareness, but also just how it happened and how it came about. Because whether it's somebody that's groomed into that community in that world or even just sex work in general or any type of trauma,

people can relate to that and to you for so many different reasons. It doesn't have to directly be to that degree, you know, or to in that same, what's the word, category. Yeah, exactly. But that's like a lot of who I've been impacting, though. I mean, obviously people outside of that world too, but I've got a lot of private messages from other bigger women that are just like, thank you.

At the core of it, thank you for just being out there. And because that should be normalized, like healing yourself and not being, yeah, I don't know how to describe it. I get it. Do you enjoy what you're doing now? Oh my God, I love it. Okay, good. I love it. And that's all that matters.

Yeah. I love the, I'm trying to dive deeper into the plus-size travel and the wellness stuff. Creates more balance, I think. It allows you, I think, to tap into more of who you are at your core rather than just having to have that other persona. Yeah, so. Which I feel like is probably rewarded. It is. I had went viral last summer, summer 2025. And it was just a simple video of me trying one of those fitness hulu hoops with the links. Okay. And I'm just being myself and I'm like, oh my God, it's so goofy.

But overlaid on top of it is like text of like my story. Okay. Like, I've spent the last two summers, you know, rotting away in bed. I was not going to waste life anymore. And that really took off. And a weight loss surgeon in Mexico, his wife saw it. And then they contacted me and offered me a collaboration. And that's when you got the surgery.

And they, they. That's crazy. And now we're, that, that was like one of the best things that's ever happened to me. That's amazing. Yeah. And how did that surgery go? Was it? Great.

Okay. Yeah. I had it a couple, almost like two and a half months ago now. Okay. Yeah. And how was the, when we had spoken, did you have it yet? Yeah, I had it like a month before that or so, a month and a half. And then how was the recovery tough at all?

Was it painful? No. Okay. I just kept going. Okay. Good for you. Like, I actually should have probably recovered. but I just kept traveling.

Yeah. I had it like December 9th. And then I went back home to Ohio like a week and a half after that. And then I spent the holidays with my kids in Ohio. And I flew after New Year's with my daughter to Vegas. And she's there with her father. So I was flying her back home and I just haven't stopped. Like you just saw me in.

traveling. I was just like, yeah, I don't stop. Like, I'm going to be home for like one day and then I'm going to Chicago. Like, I'm just gone. I love it. And I love that throughout that you can kind of just be yourself now and take, I think it's your time to take your control back in whatever way that works for you now. You know, and I think there's no rush. You know, like whatever, I think that's a very important thing to remember as well as like when you mentioned that you're still doing your adult content and eventually, you know, you'll transition into whatever else comes next. Exactly. Yeah.

You've made such a big change already. And for yourself, then I even feel like for your mental health and just kind of almost go. It's not easy to backpedal and relive and understand what we've went through and what has happened. And I think that can be very exhausting and take a huge hold. There's a lot of shame you've got to fight. Yeah. A lot.

Within yourself. And I think that's the hardest. shame is to kind of come face to face with your old self. Just sitting here retelling this, I'm like, oh my God, am I like, am I allowed to be saying this? Yeah. It's difficult. Does this make me look like a victim?

No, and the thing is, is like I, the whole point of the show is I, I want people to get vulnerable. I want, there's a power in that. And anybody that uses that against you, they got a whole lot of work to do on their own. Yeah, that's something. That is on them. That is not on you. And I try to remind people of that all the time.

Yeah. You know, you own your story, you telling your story, you making your own decisions every day, that's your power. And that is no one else's business at all. And you are helping so many people, men, women, whoever, that have experienced what you've been through or even just, like I said, any one or two aspects of your story. That's why, and that's what I would encourage you to do is continue to share all the

different parts of your story, not even just, the weight loss aspect or the feederism aspect, any of that. Like even just the trauma, what you experienced in certain parts of the community. Because there's so many people that can relate, whether they're freaking double extra small or whatever. Yeah, exactly. You know, you don't have to be, you don't have to look alike or be going through the same thing to relate to somebody at all.

Yeah. I appreciate you saying that. Of course. It's so true, though. Yeah. Honestly. And part of the, you know, journey and everything, too, has been like reclaimed. Like, who am I outside of that? Yeah. Because that has been how you've defined yourself. Yes. Your whole life. That was my identity. Yeah. And it's like, I felt, I still feel a little lost. That's normal. But that's part of finding who I am now.

I think if you weren't lost, then where would be the force and, like, where would be the motivation? What I'd be doing this. Yeah. Like you have to feel a little loss. And I think that, you know, everyone's journey is so different. And there's some people that they start finding themselves when they're super young. There's people that don't find themselves until they're 40 or 50 years old. There is no linear time frame on that.

But I think that I agree with you. It seems that that moment of you overdosing was so pivotal. And you're stepping into this new chapter of your life. It's like part one, part two. And you're stepping into this new place where you're able to figure out who are you in here. None of this. This is all just a show. None of this defines, defines us.

And it's okay if a big portion of your life was that. I mean, we're here for different reasons. But that's the well of experience now I can draw on to propel myself forward. Everyone has a history. Yeah. You know, like we. And unfortunately, sometimes we don't have a control on that.

And you were set up to not really have a say or control in it. Yeah. And that's okay, though, because it, even though there's been struggles in your life, some really difficult ones, you know, they've gotten to you to where you are today. And I've always, I've a huge believer in the universe, God, whatever you believe, wouldn't put these things on your plate if you couldn't handle them. Yeah. And I also, I say that, but then I also, like, it's not like I asked to be hurt, but I am now, I am grateful for now learning from it and get to use that to turn into power.

And looking back and seeing where you were and where you are now, that's pretty, that's pretty motivational. And that's all motivation from yourself. Okay, yeah. You know, and that's what you have to remember. Nobody else did that. You did that. Yeah, I'm trying to like fully like not live by, yeah, I live greatly by the dualities of life. Like, especially in this sense is like holding gratitude and grief.

And like they can work together. Absolutely. You need one for the other. Mm-hmm. With anything. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Like I think that we all have to go through one to feel another and vice versa. Yeah.

Absolutely. Wow. I like that. Good. Good. I'm glad a little inspiration over here. Yeah. I, that's where I'm at now. Perfect. It just. Day by day. That's all you can do. Yeah. So where can people find you? You have TikTok, Instagram?

TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook page. Perfect. And then all your other links are on there. Yeah. So it's just tea cakes. That's my mainstream wellness journey, travel journey. I love it. And I'll link everything too. Send me everything. I can link it all.

Awesome. But no, I think this was incredible. Like I said, I feel like I love that you have so many different aspects to your story because I think that people would be so interested in honestly like the kink aspect in the sense that it is something that's taboo. It is something that people that don't know about it are going to be like, wait, really? Like that exists or what's that? But then it goes to show, too, that at the end of the day, we are all just human.

We all have a soul that just craves to be loved and supported and heard. And your journey shows that. Because I think it's really, really, really, really, really easy to judge somebody on social media based on what they do. Insanely so. Yes, based on what they look like, with. they do and everything else in between. But I think that no matter what you do, and I think social media can be an amazing tool, it can also be super toxic, but it can be an amazing tool. And I think that you're using it now in a way that can really help others. But I do think there's always,

even though, like how I mentioned before, how I feel like now you're kind of tapping into, you're showing more of who you are, like truly you and your personality, in your heart and soul, I do think it's still good to kind of keep some of that to yourself because there's always going to be assholes and bullies. And you should never let those people take away from who you are on the inside. I keep a lot of my spiritual revelations and stuff to myself. Yeah. That's very personal.

It's personal. And that's something that people should never be able to see and take power from. Because they will. There's always somebody out there that wants to be an ass. Yeah, I'm very much like, there's a lot of people who are just monitoring like your energy and it's not great. And it's no, and it's whatever, life should be whatever you want it to be. Some days that might change. There might be days that you feel up here and you feel like you are 10 steps ahead and there might be days that you feel like you just backpedal to buy five steps.

Yeah. And that's okay. I think it's just about giving herself grace and realizing like this is where I was at one point. Here's where I am now. I've worked my ass off to get here. no matter what that might look like, doesn't matter if half the world thinks it's the worst thing in the world. Doesn't matter.

So you're like, that's all that matters. You know? Nothing anybody else has to say matters. Yeah. I struggle with that a little bit. It's hard. Like when I was getting the surgery, like right before I'm just like, I joked around, actually.

Going back to like people monitoring. I, my car, I was on like a road trip and I was supposed to go back home before I flew out to get my surgery. I got broken down and stuck in New Mexico for two weeks. Oh, my gosh. I documented the whole thing. And then I was violently sick for two weeks. And I'm sitting here and I'm like, did someone pay an Etsy witch or something?

Then one of my fans. One thing after, but that's how it happens. And I was just like, I just could feel like, I just, I was like, there's just like, is this not going to happen? Like, it just felt like it wasn't going to happen. But I'm glad it did. and I feel unstoppable now.