We're All Insane - Californias Most Wanted for Drug Trafficking

Episode Date: July 21, 2025

https://partners.fatty15.com/INSANE He was once one of Northern California’s Top 10 Most Wanted—on the run for three years and locked up twice for drug trafficking. But today, he's not hiding from the law—he's inspiring thousands. This is the raw, unfiltered story Bryan, who hit rock bottom and turned his life around.Bryan's Links:IG: b_resilient_af Website: buildmentalmuscle.com 00:01:41 How can 2nd hand cigarette smoke affect young children?00:14:59 What does proper gun safety with a child look like?00:15:31 How do children perceive wealth?00:22:02 How do people view you differently after being in prison?00:27:32 How do kids start dealing drugs?00:32:15 What is a confidential informant?00:35:37 How traumatic is prison?00:40:57 What does a model release from prison look like?00:45:32 How does prison destroy relationships?00:51:18 How can a man be a victim of domestic violence?01:01:49 Is it natural to regret things in the past?01:05:15 What's it like finding someone's secrets after they have passed?01:10:21 What's it like losing a job because of a criminal record?01:16:34 How much money can you make doing crime?01:17:46 Why doesn't money make you happy?01:19:51 How do drug dealers get caught?01:24:37 What's it like escaping from the police?01:27:08 What's it like being a fugitive from federal law enforcement01:30:22 How do you stay on the run from the law for years?01:32:01 How does it feel to be a fugitive?01:38:20 How do top 10 fugitives get caught?01:44:13 What does it look like for a man to experience domestic violence?01:57:05 Did a lot of prisoners get released during covid?01:59:51 What is a "dark night of the soul"?02:01:43 How can you really love yourself?02:04:45 What is mental muscle?02:10:31 How can it help to share your story? Topics: Redemption, Most Wanted, Fugitive, Criminal Past, Prison Life If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. So my name is Brian Calcott and I would say my claim to not fame but infamy is I've been to prison twice. I have been Northern California's top 10 most wanted. I was a fugitive for justice for over three years. So that's the, uh, that's the juicy part of the story. Yeah, but I would say if you want more than entertainment and you want empowerment, I have learned a whole hell of a lot over the past 20 something years about struggling with identity,

meaning purpose, self-love, you name it. I have absolutely struggled with it. Well, I'm here to listen and learn. I'm ready. All right. So I was born in West Texas, and at the time, my father was a used car salesman, and he was an alcoholic, and he had visions of grandeur, and he wanted to be a pastor. And so when I was two, we left Abilene, Texas, and we went to Enid, Oklahoma. And that's where he went to seminary. He stopped drinking for the first couple of years, though. He continued to still smoke cigarettes. And one of the earliest memories that I have of him and getting an idea about the kind of demons

that he was battling was one night we were at the dinner table. And he would always have his Marlboro Reds with his Zippo lighter to the left of him. He would always smoke a cigarette after he was done eating. And he would normally wait until I was done and I would leave the table because he knew that I was very sensitive to cigarette smoke because I had bronchitis when I was younger. So it kind of scarred my lungs a little bit. So, of course, every little kid is sensitive to cigarette smoke, but I was very, very sensitive to it.

But this one night, I remember I was still eating. he finished his food and he just looked at me like I'm looking at you and like wouldn't stop it wouldn't take his eyes off of me and he just picked up his cigarettes he put one in his mouth he picked up the lighter and he lit his cigarette and he just inhaled you know very very slowly and then just blew it out forcefully just right at me and he knew that I was going to have to get up and I remember just looking at him just thinking like is it me like you know am I doing something wrong am I bringing this behavior about I just absolutely didn't understand it and And so I got up and I left the table and look, I know there's people that have been on here with some crazy stories about what has happened to them when they're a little kid.

So I'm not trying to say that what I've been through compares to that. But at the time, it was very, it's very disheartening. I mean, I still remember it very vividly to this day. So that was probably, like I said, the first glimpse that I got into what he was really battling. And I'll cover that later on. But the last words I said to him was, you're dead to me. And then two months later, he was dead. And it's all because of what we went through, you know, when I was a child to discovering, like I said, like his deepest, what I think are his deepest, darkest secrets.

Yeah. So that was, you know, him going to school to be a pastor, visions of grandeur, whatever you want to call it. Did you grow up religious or no? Well, yeah, it was forced upon me. Absolutely. Every Sunday, we were going to Sunday school and we were going to church. Okay. Yeah.

But I tell you what, I remember being. years old and reading the Bible and my logical mind screaming out at the top of its lungs saying, you do not believe this. And I would shut the Bible and I would close my eyes and I would just sit there and be like, you believe, you believe, you believe, you believe, because there was so much social pressure. And I felt like a bad person because that's what you were taught. The social pressure, yes, I told myself I believed, but deep down inside, I never, I never believed. And it's not to say that I didn't necessarily believe in God, because like I said, I'm a non-theat. I believe the human condition is one of uncertainty.

I don't believe that you can conclude with absolute certainty that there is a God. I don't believe that you can conclude with the absolute certainty that there isn't a God. And I'm okay with that. I've made my peace with the uncertainty. So with regards to the God question, I have no idea. But religion, I just remember being a little kid and reading the Old Testament in particular, just saying, no, I do not. I do not believe this.

But like I said, the social pressure, your father's a pastor, your talk. told, you better believe or you're a bad person. So that's, that to me is really upsetting. I remember when I was older and I told my mother that I didn't believe when she looked at me and she said, yeah, I don't really know if I believe either. And I remember I was so mad at her because as a little boy, I just needed to hear if you don't believe it's okay. You're not a bad person. So that's one of the things that I disagree with when it comes to people, I don't want to say, forcing religion, but teaching religion without telling their kids, if you don't believe, it's okay. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person. And you know what? Some kids might step

away from it, but if the only reason you believe in religion is because it's been forced upon you, it's not really your belief. Your beliefs are what you have arrived at through your own personal experience, decision making. There's a difference between, you know, being taught what to think and being taught how to think. And when you are only focused on how to think and critical thinking and all of your beliefs come from your own perspective, that's when you achieve intellectual honesty with yourself. And that's when you will be your happiest. Whenever you have beliefs that were given to you are forced upon you and deep down

inside, you don't believe them. But you feel forced because of social pressure or identity or whatever it is. And you just can't let go of those beliefs. That's what you will struggle with. And I struggle with that for a long time. Yeah. And I think that goes back to what we were saying of. I think especially the older generations, they so badly want, I think that they want their children and the people around them to believe what they believe.

Of course. There is no in between. And to a certain degree, I think for a lot of people, there is no, it's okay if you don't believe because they don't have that open mindset. Yeah. It's right or wrong. It's very black and white. and I don't think we live in a world anymore, not that we ever have, but I think especially now more than ever, where it is just one way or another way. I think that it's healthier to be in between and to be more okay with people can believe whatever they want if that's going to make them better, make them happy, whatever works for, you know, someone.

But, yeah, no, I asked if you grew up religious because I was wondering if it was just like a random thought that your dad had or if you guys kind of had that religious background and then it led into him wanting to be a pastor. Well, so he grew up in the Christian church. My grandmother was a church secretary in San Antonio, Texas. She was actually from Brooklyn, New York. When she was 40 years old, she moved to Texas. And she met my grandfather. He was a famous horse trainer. And his best friend had a dude ranch in upstate New York right by West Point. And that was at the time when dude ranches were very popular because all the movies in Hollywood were westerns. So all the yuppie. and the city slickers wanted to learn how to ride horses. And so my grandfather's best friend, Vern, had a dude ranch in upstate New York. And so he had my grandfather come up there and train the horses and teach people how to ride because he was a famous cowboy back in the day on the rodeo circuit in Texas. And so he went up there and met my grandmother. And that's why my grandmother moved to San Antonio.

So she didn't have my father until she was 40 years old. And what's really crazy is years later, I went into Ancestry. And I typed in my father's name. And there's a picture that my grandmother always had of him. I knew the picture. And I saw my dad's picture and somebody else's family tree. And I just was like, what in the hell is this? Well, lo and behold, my grandfather was married three times with kids before my grandmother.

And this is in Texas in the 1940s. Yeah. So it's pretty crazy. And we didn't know that until we saw Ancestry.com. Those websites, they really, they uncover some crazy. Thanks. That is wild. Do you watch Yellowstone at all?

I watch some of it, not all of it. Taylor Sheridan's character. Which one is that? So he's the horse trainer. Okay. Do you remember? Is he like the main one? He's the main horse trainer.

Yeah, he actually writes the show too. He's very full of himself. He's in all of his shows. Yeah, you'll definitely recognize them. But it's funny because, you know, they always talk about horse trainers, how they'll fuck anything that moves. Okay. And I think about my grandfather.

And I'm like, okay, in the 1940s, he had four wives and kids. And he was a horse trainer. So, yeah, I guess. That is funny. I guess there's some truth to this. Right. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So he became the pastor. Yeah. So he became a pastor. His first church was in a small town in Oklahoma called Allene, Oklahoma. It was a winter wheat town, as they called it, 300 people. And I remember when we first got there, the little girl from down the street called to see if my sister could come out to play.

And I think my sister was eight or nine. And my mom said, oh, yeah, sure, that's fine. And so she looks outside. and there's a truck and the little girl was driving the truck from down the street. Oh, yeah, I was like that. That's how it is in small towns. Wow. Yeah, my mom came out.

It was just like, you know, Laura will walk to the house. But that was just normal. And I remember there was this one kid, Roger. He was 12 years old. He didn't have his license yet. And he lived out in the country. But he was legally allowed to drive a tractor on the road. So you always knew when Roger was in town getting a burger because you'd see the big tractor right

in front of the burger spot in town. So, I mean, you're talking about rural, rural, you know, America, a town of 300 people. So we were there and then we moved to Fredericksburg, Texas, because my mother wanted to be closer to my dad's mother because she was getting, she was getting older. So we went to Fredericksburg, Texas, and this is when, I guess my father's character really started to come out and how difficult it would be for him to stay at a church. And so when we were younger, we were told that the church in Fredicksburg couldn't afford him because it was a brand new church. And so we were there for two years.

So mind you, I was born in Abilene. We went to Enid. Then we went to Aline. Then we go to Fredexburg. And in Fredericksburg, I was in first and second grade. Or it might have been half of first grade in like second grade. So, you know, moving every two years. And we were always told me we were younger that the church couldn't afford my father because they were a new church.

And so then we moved to Pekis. And my mother told me years later that they could have afforded him, but that they just didn't particularly like him as ultimately what it was. So now we go to Pekis. And Pekis was, if I could go back in a time machine and capture a moment of my childhood where I was at my happiest, it would definitely be Pekas. And Pekis is West, West Texas. I mean, it's at rural as it comes. The closest town was 30 miles away, Monaghan's. The other town was 50 miles away at Fort Stockton.

The only town that had a mall was Odessa, Permian Basin. I don't know if you've seen that movie Friday Night Lights. But yeah, that town was 70 miles away from where we were at. We were actually in Pekis when that story happened. And it was a big deal. Even people from Pekis went to the national championship because it was just such a big deal that they were in there. So that was the town that we lived in. But in that particular town, my father's salary came with a membership to the,

the country club. We didn't have money, but it wasn't a parent. My father was the pastor, so I had social standing. You know, you were the preacher's kid. I remember this one girl, she was in another wing, Ivy. She had blonde hair and blue eyes, and I had the biggest crush on her, and I remember one Valentine's Day. There were fake roses at Walmart and asked my mom if I could buy one. She was just kind of looking at me like, yeah, okay, fine. So bought the rose, sprayed perfume on it, and went up to Ivy on Valentine's Day and gave it to her. You know what I mean? It was like, give you my girlfriend. So she was my girlfriend in third and fourth grade. You know, she was the prettiest girl in school. I was in gifted and talented classes. I was the preacher's kid.

I had what I think is the greatest best friend, a little boy could ever have. Rex. And Rex's family was just absolutely amazing. I mean, I think Rex came out of the womb with cowboy boots and a lasso in his hand. I mean, he was just born into being a cowboy. And his father was a bull rider. It his father to me was the epitome of a perfect man. He was tough as fucking nails. You looked at his hand, and I remember being a little kid and just thinking, Jesus, like, he could literally come up to my head and crush my head with his hands. He's just so strong. And you look at him and he was just the very definition of a masculine man that just isn't going to be scared of anything.

but yet you saw the way he was with his wife. I mean, never a harsh word. He loved his wife so much. He was so just kind and gentle. And how he was with Rex too. It was never a harsh word to Rex. And it's just you respected him so much that you wanted to please him. And the very thought of disappointing him was enough to keep you in line.

And I remember the first time I went over there, they knew that I wasn't raised around guns. And these are cowboys from West Texas. There was guns everywhere. And so they brought me out back. They taught me how to use a gun. They taught me gun safety. And then afterwards, Bo looked at me and said, this is not a toy. And I looked at him and I said, yes, sir.

And he was such a powerful man that that has, you know, stuck with me. My entire life, I remember being older and being in situations where kids would, you know, pull out their parents' guns. And I would take what I learned from Bo. You know what I mean? And put it over there and say, this is not a toy. You know, this needs to go away. So Bo was absolutely an amazing man.

Rex was just the bestest friend, you know, a little boy could ever ask for. And I had signs of external validation from my outside community. And I was just unbelievably happy. And after two years, we, we had to leave because my father gave a sermon that they did not like. And the sermon was this town is 85% Hispanic. And when I look out, I don't see one brown face. And so the congregation liked it, but the deacons didn't like it. And so we had to leave.

And my father, in his infinite wisdom, thought that it would be a good idea to move to Wachung, New Jersey, which is 45 minutes outside of New York City. So I went from West Texas wearing boots, wearing a cowboy hat, going to the rodeo, wanting to be a cowboy more than anything in my life, having, you know, the best friend, the little boy could ever ask for. I never looked up to my father as a man, so I didn't see him as a role model, but I was just, I, you know, in my mind, Beau was my father too. So I felt like I had everything I need. And then we go to New Jersey. And it was the first time of my life that I felt inferior. And it had nothing to do with thinking that those kids had anything on me. I didn't

think they were smarter than me. Didn't think they were better looking to me. It didn't think they were anything than me. But all of their families had money. And this is the first. time that it became apparent that my family didn't have money and I felt inferior as a result. And I remember that at 10 years old. And when you sell, it's one thing to sell drugs. It's another thing to traffic. Hey guys. Today's episode is sponsored by Fatty 15. Okay, whenever there is something that makes a pretty decent difference in my life, I feel like I have to share it. I have to talk about it with all my friends and tell them what I've discovered, what I found. And that being said, the older I've gotten, the more I have noticed the aging effects on my body of age, obviously.

That being said, I noticed my energy is dipping earlier in the day. My joints are making some pretty concerning noises. And the thing that upsets me the most is my sleep. I am just not getting as good of sleep lately. And that can really affect my day. That being said, I'm sure like many of you, over the years, I have tried many different supplements, which either I just really didn't feel a difference with, or they just ended up collecting dust because I would take them for a week and then I would stop. But then I started taking fatty 15, which is actually an essential fatty acid called C-15, and it helps repair your cells, and it actually supports your body on a cellular level, which is where the real aging starts. If you are somebody that is trying to slow down that aging

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That is fatty 15.com slash insane. And now back to the episode. When you traffic, you are on a playing field where you are around dangerous individuals and not only that, but the stakes are higher. Right, because it's a higher scale in general. Yeah, it is. So you are risking your life. are risking years of your freedom. And to do that, there has to be something wrong. I mean,

there has to be this need that has to be filled because if it is not filled, you know, you feel like you'll die and you have nothing. And so that to me is the seeds of where everything started to where I got older. I was willing to engage in the activities, the drug trafficking that I did. I don't feel that if it was for that experience of feeling inferior because we didn't have money, I don't believe I ever would have become a drug trafficker. Yeah. And I think to some degree, you know, I know that you mentioned there's obviously been a lot of stories on here where the, you know, the childhood abuse and this, that, and the other, it was

crazy, you know, like unspeakable things. But every child takes what happens to them and handles it differently. And I think that in some ways, you know, well, you did experience so much instability. You know, you're constantly moving. And then you had two examples of like, you know, you had your dad, but then you had, his name was Beau, right? Yes. And then you had him who you felt like was this father figure in a completely different way. And it showed you to different things.

But then you were taken away from that as well. So I think on top of the money aspect, I also think for a lot of people, creates a sense of community. And in a way, like, you probably sought stability in that as well because you didn't really have any stability. You're constantly being like constantly moving, being taken away from things. You had no sense of control. And I think that a lot of decisions we make without even realizing it and it might not even fully make sense. It's like a way to have some sort of control, even if it's the most negative aspect of it, you know? No, you're right.

The other thing, too, was just identity. I felt like my identity was taken away from me. Yeah, which it was in many ways. You didn't ever really have the ability to formulate your own identity. Mm-hmm. And I look at it and I can see how traumatic it was. Now that I'm older, though, I am appreciative of the fact that I was born in West Texas. I love those roots.

I love those values. I want to get back to being a cowboy more than anything. But I'm also appreciative of the fact that, you know, I was in high school going to underground rave clubs in New York City. So I'm appreciative of getting to have. that experience too. Absolutely. And I think that that's led me to becoming an individual. So whether it's politics, whether it's religion, it doesn't matter. I have the ability, at least I feel like I have the ability, it might be biased, but I feel like I have the ability to actually have individual

thought and arrive at conclusions myself. So yes, it was very traumatic as a little kid, but it also gave me this perspective where I feel like I'm able to be objective. now that I'm older to where I can actually have individual ideas. And so when I discuss politics with people, my ideas are not something that I encounter a lot because I think that they're individual ideas. I think the right has their talking points and all they do is parrot each other. And I think the left has talking points and all they do is parrot. But people ask me, well, what are you, Republican or Democrat? And I say, I'm an individual.

I'm like, you're not going to put a label on me and put me into a category. So I definitely think that that was related to moving all over, moving all over the country as a little kid. But it was very, very traumatic. And I mean, even to this day, you know, I can still see signs of that little boy that has that trauma. And I hadn't spoken to Rex and years. And I decided to send him a link to the Softfoot Underbelly episode I did because everybody was talking about Rex and how I talked. about his father, Beau. And so I just, I wanted Rex to know just how much I loved him and how much his friendship, you know, meant to me. And I sent it to him. It's literally almost making me tear up.

You even thinking about it. I sent him the Softfoot Underbelly episode and he watched it. And like an hour later, it got back to me. It was just like, holy shit, brother. Like, I never knew. Like, I'm so glad you reached out. And he sent me a picture that's hanging on his wall to this day. and it's a picture of he and I out on his grandfather's ranch. And it's the frame is a lasso with a saddle on the bottom of it. And it absolutely made me tear up just to think that all these years that there was that picture of he and I hanging on his wall. Did you guys not talk in between that time at all? So I left, we left Pacas when I was 10.

I would go, we would go back to Texas in the summertime. Okay. And I would get to spend the summer. at least like two weeks a month, something like that. So you were able to see him here. Yeah, I was. Yeah. So when I was 18, we moved back to Texas.

Okay. And I was, I was his best man in his wedding. Oh, okay. Yeah. And that was the last time that I saw him though. Okay. So it was a little big gap. Mm-hmm.

Huge gap. I mean, what's that? 27 years. Yeah. I hadn't spoken to him in 27, 27 years. Yeah. Because the first time I went to prison when I was 20, when I was 22 years old. Okay.

And it's, you know, I did five and a half years and then you get out and there's this aspect of just shame, especially with him. Not only, not shame, but just disappointment. I think is the reason why I never reached out to him. I'm sad. I never got to see his father again before he passed away. I definitely wanted to reach out to him. But I just... You're in a different place mentally, I think. And it takes time to get out of that. And there are a lot of, you know, I think naturally people know that they will view you differently when you get out of prison hearing what you've done it's like you know you're I think too it's it's almost this defeated mindset of why would I even reach out if I know that they probably see me a different way

the thing of it too though is that they wouldn't have they absolutely wouldn't have they wouldn't have judged me yeah but it was more the embarrassment right the embarrassment on my part and just thinking that's where that's where I came from that's you know who I should have been. And like I said, Bo when I was younger, he could have told me to do anything. It wouldn't it. It wouldn't matter. I would do it because I just would not want to disappoint him because he was just such an amazing person. So I think that was probably the reason why I never reached out. But yeah, that was, so that was Wachong is where we were. But once again, my father gave a sermon that deacons and the congregation did not like. And so we were in Wachong for a year.

and a half. Then we went to Kentucky for a year and a half. And this was backwoods Appalachia, which is a different fucking world. I mean, I remember being in seventh grade and kids were bringing knives. You know what I mean? For five. Yeah, it was wild. Absolutely wild. Yeah. And how old were you? This was six and seventh grade. Okay. Half of sixth grade and seventh grade. And it's crazy because I'm from West Texas. We go to Jersey and I'm the poor kid. And then we go to Kentucky and now I'm the fucking rich kid again. Right. You're getting all these different aspects. Yeah, they're sitting there calling me a Yankee and I'm a rich kid and I'm just like,

I'm from West Texas. I'm not a fucking Yankee. I don't care if I just moved from Jersey. But these were kids that I remember my friend Billy. I used to love going to his house because we got to shoot guns there. But Billy didn't have electricity or running water in his fucking house. And this was, you know, 1993, 94 in Kentucky. I mean, it's, you know, they talk about what goes on in the inner city. and I, you know, I won't speak, I won't say that it's not bad, but I'm sorry, go to the backwoods of Kentucky in the conditions that those people are fucking living in is still, you know, like they're heating their homes with firewood, things like that.

So that was crazy. But once again, I'm an outsider. Now it's like, oh, you're the rich kid. It's like, I'm not a fucking rich kid. But my father found a church that actually loved him and he wanted to stay there. And my mom knew that there was no future there. And she told my father, she was like one of these backwoods, redneck mother. fuckers is not getting my daughter pregnant. And this was the only time that my mother really stood up to him.

And she said, we're packing up and we're leaving. If you want to come, great. If not, you want to stay, knock yourself out. And at that point, she realized that my father really had no interest in us. The only reason why he had a family was because you couldn't be a pastor without having a family. They think you were weird. So we kind of realized that, you know, we were the trophy family. and that, you know, we were just there to serve the purpose so that he could be a pastor. And I think she was at the point where she was just fed up. But my father was very manipulative and he kept her alienated from her family. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal.

On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. or to get early at free access, subscribe, and Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. So that she wouldn't have a support network so that she could leave him. And she had an amazing family. I remember when my grandmother passed away when I was four, we got to go to Chicago and meet them. And they were, you know, this big Irish family from Chicago and they were so loving.

And they were asking my mom and us, you know, why don't you guys come around more? and it was because he was trying to keep us away from them so that she wouldn't have a support network so that she could so that she could leave him but in kentucky she said hell no like i'm sorry there's no fucking future here and so we wanted to go back to texas i mean when we moved from jersey to kentucky we wanted to go back to texas but my father didn't want to go back to texas and so he convinced us okay we'll leave kentucky but we're going back to new jersey and it was just like oh my god well fuck it jersey's better than this so we went back to bedminster now back to being the poor kid. And Bedminster didn't have a lot of, it had some rich kids in it. But it didn't, I mean, they weren't poor. I mean, this was in the 1990s and the homes were anywhere from $100,000 to $200,000. But we went to high school in Bernardsville. And Bernersville is fucking estates.

Bernardsville is, you know, everybody's got money coming out of their ass. So when you went to high school, they would ask you where you were from, Bedminster or Bernersville. And if you were from Bedminster, it was like, you know, little note next to your name. And you were, you know, you were treated differently. And I was a, in Texas, and even in Kentucky, I was a good student, straight A's. And I got to high school and I just didn't give a fuck. And it's, you know, I think it's just because if you don't have any kind of teachers that believe in you and whatnot, you know, I mean, you're out of age where you kind of need that external support and it just wasn't there.

And obviously, you know, dealing with issues of. identity and anger and things like that. So I'm sure I wasn't the best, you know, the best kid too. So I can accept some responsibility for that. But started smoking weed, you know, was getting seized. And my high school guidance counselor encouraged me when I was a sophomore to drop out. And I remember my mother was shocked when I went home. But it was because it was one of the top schools in New Jersey. And the reason, you know, any of the kids who were getting seized, it wasn't, oh, let's work with them and try to get their grades up. It was like, oh, let's encourage them to drop out so that their grade point average isn't affecting our overall grade point average. So my mother said,

that's fine, but you have to get your GED. And when we go back to Texas, you have to go to junior college. She just said, you know, you not going to college is not an option. So I said, okay, fine. So what would have been my junior year in high school? I got a job. I worked for like landscape companies, tree companies. But in the same token, this is where I started selling weed. And I would go into New York City. I would buy weed back then you could get a dime bag, bring in the jersey, and sell it for $20. And so I wasn't scared to go into. to the bad neighborhoods in New York and buy weed and bring it back to the rich kids to make money. And so that was the first, that was my first experience with selling any kind of drugs,

anything like that. So when I was 18, we went back to Texas, went to junior college. After that, went to UTSA, you know, a four-year school. But I started going to raves and started selling ecstasy. And that led to, I met a girl. We would go to raves together. We would do ecstasy together. And she knew that I was selling ecstasy. I had no idea, just her connections and kind of who she was when I met her. But her family was from Mexico, strong, strong, strong, strong cartel ties.

And at first, it was just me selling ecstasy. And then her brother-in-law was going to prison for her. a case that was related to her family who was going away for six and half years. And her sister was scared that they wouldn't have a source of income when he went to prison. So she told Valerie to get me, you know what I mean, interested in selling Coke. And she told her that because Valerie and her sister, they would tell each other everything. And Valerie knew that I had a guy in Lubbock that when I went up there to sell him, actually see, he asked me if I could get keys. I told him I could, but I really didn't push it. And then Valerie was also with me.

me when I went to Florida because I was trying to get pills from, you know, like a sore state in Florida. It was a lot cheaper than I bring him back to Texas. And my friend that hooked me up with his cousin over there, he was like a very, very prominent figure in one of the really bad hoods over there. And so Valor was right there with me when we were talking to the ecstasy when I went over there. And he's like, can you get keys? And I was just like, dude, it's San Antonio. Everybody can get keys. And he's like, I'll take five, but it's got to be pure. He said, you know, I'll take five a week. I'll give you 25,000 for him. And I'm sitting there thinking like, Jesus Christ, like a key up here in San Antonio right now is 15,000.

So, you know, of course, you know, the money signs are going off. But I still didn't push it. And I think that I didn't push it because I don't care what age you are. You start making that kind of money. You're going to lose your soul. And I was going to college at the time. I was on the dean's list. I was really just selling drugs as supplemental income.

You know, I wasn't trying to be a drug dealer. I mean, there were definitely times it was my sole source of income. but I wasn't, there's a difference between doing it where it's like something you do on the side, but you see yourself as something else. And then there's another thing where you're just like, fuck it. You know, I'm a drug dealer. And so I was trying to hold on to that identity of I want to go to law school. I want to be an attorney.

This is just something that I'm rationalizing in my mind. You know what I mean? Telling myself that it's okay. So I think that's the reason why I really didn't push it. But the ecstasy started slowing down. And like I said, I can, I can. can own my own decisions. I'm 100% responsible. But Valerie kind of just, you know, kept the same like, why don't you sell Coke? Why don't you sell Coke? Why don't you sell Coke?

Why don't you sell Coke? And so finally I said, okay, fine. So I went to her brother-in-law and I asked her brother-in-law. I said, you know, I've got this guy in Lubbock. He wants keys. I, you know, I want to start taking keys to him. But the real goal is to get the keys of pure and bring it to the people that I know in Miami. That's where the real money is. So he talked to, at first he told me no. And he told me. And he told me. straight up. He goes, you got a lot going for you. You're about to go to law school. I know that. And he told me, he said, look, he said, I'm not trying to be insulting. But I think if you got caught, he said, I think you would snitch. And I'm sitting there like, this guy's already going to prison for

six and a half years. He just had a son. And so I said, you know what? I completely understand that. I respect that. So never forget it. I went back to the apartment. And I told Valerie, I was like, you said, no. And she just kind of had this look on her face. She had the pink Nokia 6600 phone. I'll never forget this moment. She goes over there. She grabs it. She goes into the bedroom and shuts the door, comes back out like two minutes later. She just doesn't even really look at me. She just goes, it's done. She just throws the phone back on the counter, kind of spun as it slid. I was just like, okay, cool. So started bringing keys to Lubbock. And the guy that I was bringing keys to, I got arrested in July 2002. September of 2001, he got caught. I think it was like eight ounces.

And rather than going to prison, being a man, he became a confident. informant. So he's a confidential informant. He's selling Coke. I mean, he's, he's busting people as a confidential informant, but in the same token, he's also selling Coke on the side. So I guess because he thought he was working with the DEA task force, he, you know, oh, they'd never send another confidential informant around me again. Well, they did. And he sold Coke to a confidential informant on the same task force that he was a confidential informant on. And so now they were just like, okay, we're going to fuck this guy. So they had the confidential informant, introduced him to an undercover cop. So now we start selling to an undercover cop. And got involved in a sting operation. Went up there. Sold the undercover cop. A kilo of cocaine, 130 mile an hour police chase, all that good stuff, you know, all the sexy details. And I was 22 years old and I was sentenced to 90 months in prison. And I should have only gotten about five years because it was a five-year mandatory minimum. But I wouldn't cooperate. And when you won't cooperate, when you won't cooperate, when you won't. won't snitch, they will throw the book at you to make an example out of you. And they'll also do it

to try to scare you. And I remember my attorney, she was lying to me too, but my attorney told me that I was going to do 15 years in prison unless I ratted on Valerie and her family. And I looked at her and I said, so be it. And her mouth just, just opened. And I swear I was the only person ever in her career to tell her no. And it's just crazy how many people cooperate. So when you're the one person that doesn't cooperate, they just don't know, they don't know how to deal with you. Right. So, 22 years old, went to federal prison in Texas. And it was a, it was a FCI, um, medium low. So this is not United States penitentiary experience. This is not California level four yard experience. I'm not going to sit here and embellish my prison experience. But it still was fucking crazy. And it still was

absolutely traumatic. And it could have been a room at the Ritz Carlton. And it's still, I can't describe it, but there's just this feeling of having your freedom taken away and not being able to control what goes on with your own body that's absolutely invasive. And I don't want to sit here and say that I understand what a woman feels like when she's raped. But I would say that that feeling of not having control over your own body and having something, someone that's external to you have control over your body. I would say and I understand that the sexual experience is completely different than prison. And, you know, in a woman who's rape is completely innocent. If you're in prison, I get it. You've done something.

But when you, I mean, yeah, it was cocaine. Do I feel badly about it? Sure. But it was also, you know what I mean? A bunch of college students in Lubbock, Texas. So I didn't feel like I violated somebody's autonomy per se. Okay, fine. I didn't contribute to, you know, the overall benefit of society.

But I just feel that there's a different. between crimes where you violate somebody's autonomy and crimes where you don't violate somebody's autonomy. So if I would have done something where I violated somebody's autonomy, I would understand having my autonomy violated, but to feel like you haven't violated somebody's autonomy and have your autonomy violated for that long, it's very, very invasive. So that alone was traumatic enough. But even with it being an FCI medium low, I mean, I still saw race riots. I I mean, I still, I was there two months and almost saw a guard get killed. That was what really opened my eyes where it's just like, okay, this is still fucking prison.

Yeah, it is. I mean, saw people get sliced up with razor blades, heads bashed in with locks and socks. And it's just this, it's an eerie feeling when you're standing there and you're there with your homeboys. And you're kind of, you know, all getting into a defensive position just in case. case something happens and you're just wondering like am I going to have to fight for my life right now. It's just to be that young and have to go for that to go through that. It's just I don't understand how you can justify that. And it's an everyday experience until you're out. Oh, you're on your toes every fucking day. I have a friend right now in California. He just got out. He did 22 years.

All of his time was in United States penitentiaries. 11 of those years was in solitary, confined. And he is, I mean, he's a savage. Don't get me wrong, but he is an unbelievable person with a giant fucking heart. And to see the PTSD that he is dealing with right now, it's fucking. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I mean, heartbreaking. It's just, okay, he did bad stuff, you know what I mean? But to take 22 years of his life, if he doesn't get the help that he needs for the PTSD,

You didn't just take 22 years. You took the rest of his life and you took his soul and he took his happiness and his well-being and everything else. And that to me is the biggest, I guess, frustration, just anger with the criminal justice system is that even if you can justify the punishment for the crime that was committed, you still have to have consideration for what happens once the punishment is done. And I understand, I'm a libertarian. I preach personal responsibility all the time. And you do have to understand that nobody is coming to save you. But in the same token, the government shouldn't be there to put up barriers that make it harder for you to find the help upon your release or find employment. And when I was released from prison, that's exactly what I went through that eventually led me to going back to prison.

So in the time, in your first time in prison, did you have. any thoughts of, okay, what am I going to do when I get out? Did you think that you were still going to be involved with drugs or were you like going to turn my life around? So I remember being in the back of the car right after they arrested me and making a commitment to myself, I'll never do this again. And it was Texas. It was a kilo of cocaine. I knew I was going to prison. And so I just said, you know what? I will never do this again. I know I'm going to prison. I'm going to make the best out of this experience. And I did. I read every day and I didn't read fiction. I read nonfiction. I read philosophy. I read science. I read history. You name it.

I did whatever I could to improve myself. And I was actually very, very lucky. One of the individuals that was there, one of the most interesting people you'll ever meet, had a PhD, and he was a college professor. He was also a huge, huge, like, multi-millionaire drug trafficker in the 1980s in San Francisco. And he was the first person to actually be sentenced to in prison without parole for just drugs. Everybody that had been sentenced to life in prison without parole, there was guns, there was violence, there was something else. He was the very first person for just having drugs on his case to be sentenced to life in prison without parole. He had that case for 12 years before he got it overturned. He got it overturned. He still ended up doing 17 years,

but he had a PhD in art history. And so he started a sculpture program in the prisons he was at, and he was able to sell those sculptures and raise the money that he needed for the attorney to get his case overturned. But it was just like having this college professor mentor that was there. He really put me on the right track. He encouraged me to write letters to professors, have me read in like the New York Review of Books, working on my vocabulary, my college professors, because I was pre-law criminal justice major, my college professors came to visit me while I was in prison. I conducted criminological research while I was in there on prison gangs. I was corresponding with Dr. Allison Liebling, who was the head of the Department of Criminology at the University

of Oxford. She offered to help me get that research published. So I wanted to get a PhD in criminology is what I wanted to do. And I wanted to speak out on criminal justice reform because you're right in the midst of just seeing how much of an injustice it is. And it's not just an injustice to the individuals that are going through it. It's an injustice to society too. The war on drugs is an abject failure. And it's, you know, trying more of the same thing is not going to somehow improve it. And there's all this criminal logical literature about what we could do to actually reduce drug use and at the same time reduce the harmful effects of the prohibition against a drug. And yet we don't do that. So that was something that I really wanted to speak out on. And I got out of prison, went back to

school, was on the president's list, got a very high paying job at a fine dining restaurant in San Antonio, Texas. And I was very proud of myself because I had a successful release, my probation officer didn't give two shits about me she knew that this guy's not going back to prison no way look at what he's doing he got right out i was working a full-time job at the same time i was taking like 15 or 18 hours at school so full-time at school too got straight a she was looking at my you know grades and was just thinking like jesus christ like this guy is you know model release and i wanted to go get my phd but i also i didn't i just thought about it like damn i just did five and a half years in my 20s and i don't to go, you know, go to grad school for four years now and just not have freedom. And so I went to go

visit my sister in San Francisco. And this is before San Francisco became what it is now. This is back when it was fucking glorious. And went back to Texas and just thought, fuck, I have to, I have to move over there. And I was about to move. But my father passed away. And it was very, it was a very traumatic experience. Like I said, the last words ever said to him was, you're dead to me. me and then two months later he was dead and so I felt very badly about my mother because in his passing his darkest secrets and his demons kind of came to the surface and I mean it was fucking traumatic for all of us and so I didn't I didn't want to leave her so it took me about six months until after his passing and she's actually one that encouraged me she said you know when

I was 18 years old I wanted to stick around to be around my mother because my father passed away. And she told me, she said, you know, my mother looked at me and said, it's time for you to go out and live your life. And so she looked at me too. And she just said, you know, it's time for you to go out and live your life. And so then I moved to San Francisco. Quick question. So while you were in prison, did you have any communication with Valerie and her family? Or was that kind of it during that time? No. I had some communication. So she was actually in the car with me when we went up there. That's a whole different story about the knock down dragout fight that we got into because I told her I'm like you're fucking crazy like why do you want you know why do you want to come with me right now and she threw it on

my face I'm the one that got you the key etc etc she's like you know we barely spend any time together um anymore you know that whole kind of discussion and she said you know it's just it's just just Justin you've gone up there numerous times nothing's happened like it's not you know what I mean it's not going to um it's not going to be a bad situation I'm like you're still fucking crazy I still have to drive over six hours dirty with the fucking key of Coke. I was like, you know, you can't. She just wouldn't stop throwing it in my face. I got you the key.

I got you the key. So I was like, all right, fine, whatever. You can come with me. So she was actually in the car with me. Yeah. She was about to get off because I obviously said that she didn't have anything to do with it. And she was about to get off. But the DEA went an interview two of our friends that were with us the night before.

And they gave statements on her. And so that's the only reason she had to go to federal prison for 18. months. Okay. Um, so we, you know, would communicate through letters, things like that while, um, while she was in prison and then when she got out, we kind of communicated, uh, a little bit. But I mean, I definitely, I definitely hurt her as far as I would use women for external validation. And even though I definitely loved her, it, you know, there's a difference between loving the person and loving what the person does for you. If you're insecure and you need that source of external validation, you're more focused on what the person does for you and you can't really let the love that you have

for the person guide how you are in the relationship. So, you know, I can own accountability for that. That was definitely the seeds of my, you know, womanizing, like, narcissistic behavior with as far as like how I treated women. Because it's, you know, you're a man and you think that, you know, that the more, you know, the more women you sleep with, the more of a man that you feel like is ultimately, you know, what it comes down to. So I, you know, it was very immature, but her sister would tell her like, you're fucking crazy to leave Brian. Like he was 22 years old and he didn't fucking rat. And her sister loved me because her sister knew that if I would have cooperated, she would have ended up in prison too. And her brother-in-law would have gotten 10 years on top of

the six and a half years he was already, you know, was already doing. So her sister was just like, was my biggest fan because she knew that her whole fucking life would have been turned upside down. She would have gone to federal prison for five years. Her husband would have gotten an additional 10 years on top of that and they had three kids. So like I said, her sister was my biggest fan. But prison is, prison destroys relationships. I mean, there are some women that will stick with their men. And those women are, you know, unbelievably selfless.

But any woman that leaves a man when he's in prison, like you can't. fault them. I mean, I know when you're in there and you're the one that's being hurt by it, you know what to mean? You want to find fault with them. But it's just like, you know, what the fuck can you expect? I mean, like I said, like it absolutely hurts. I mean, I remember when I was in prison and I was very like even keel, like people would come and talk to me for advice and, you know, people would always tell me that I had, you know, great advice. And I remember when I talked to her on the phone and she told me that she was with someone, my knees fucking gave out. I literally had to catch myself with my elbows because I mean it's just my body fucking just

collapsed just absolutely fucking collapsed and I cannot describe that experience of what it is like to know because like when you're in prison it just convince yourself that you're you're more in love than you really are I mean that's what every man does and so you know in your mind you're just and granted Valerie and I did have a very very strong bond and a very very strong bond and a very very relationship. So it wasn't like it was all made up, you know, make-believe shit just because I was in prison. We also have less to focus on, you know, other than like you reading books and whatever else and trying to better yourself. That is the person that you're thinking of, you have all the time in the world to just think. Yep. Yeah, absolutely. But that, yeah, that actually,

that was definitely the first part of breaking my heart, you know, into a million fucking pieces. So you guys never rekindled when you got out. So we got out. We saw each other one time. Okay. And we saw each other one time. I knew that she had had a boyfriend before. I knew that she was when I got out. So when you were in the halfway house in San Antonio, you would get social passes where you could go home for 48 hours.

And so what everyone would do is they would say they were taking the bus, but they wouldn't really take the bus. They would have their people pick them up. So she picked me up one time from the halfway house. We went to dinner. She dropped me off at the house. She told me about this guy that she was dating. And I remember, like, I didn't think she was going to show up because I kept on calling her phone, kept on calling her phone. She didn't answer.

And she told me why. And it's because she took her phone and she broke it because she had only been like a couple dates with this guy. And he was going through her phone. And he saw like text message between he and I, I mean, between she and I. And he was like, oh, I told them, you know, like, you're the guy that no one will compare it to. You don't always have my heart, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I'm just like, okay, cool. And I remember thinking if she sees this guy one more time, I'm going to cut her the fuck off because he seems like an insecure little fucker already going through her phone.

And if he knows and I'm in a federal halfway house, you know what I mean? We're not supposed to see each other. He could easily make a call to my probation officer or to the halfway house or her probation officer to get me sent back to prison. And I remember I talked to her once after that. She told me that she had talked to him again because she told me on that date that she was never going to talk to him again because, you know, he was already going to her phone and all of that. And so when she told me that she was still talking to him, I just completely and totally cut her off. Because I was just like, I'm not. Yeah.

At that point, you can't take the rest. No. Yeah. So we didn't talk. I saw her a few times in San Antonio out. We didn't talk, though. Didn't talk for years. And I remember I was in San Francisco.

And there was something there that reminded me of her. And I sent her a message on Facebook. And it was just a message of, you know, two old friends. There was no other meaning than that other than this reminded me of you. And I just, you know, wanted to, it was really just, you know, just me just wanted to let her know that I still, you know, considered her a special person. I didn't forget exactly what it was. But it was a nice message. There was no ill intent.

It wasn't me trying to rekindle the flame, anything like that. Just like hope you're welcome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she just sent back this vicious message. And I'm just sitting there like, what the fuck? And I remember, I mean, she was married at the time too. And I sent the response back and I was just like, like what, like what's going on? Why do you stop so much anger and so much hate?

I said, you know, that was just a message of me just, you know, just trying to say, hey, you know what I mean? I mean, it's like you've been in a prison with someone. You've been through a fucking traumatic experience like that. You're always going to have someone a relationship. And her response was, you're right. I'm sorry. I still love you.

And that was the last I've ever heard from her. Yeah. Yeah. I think too, you know that sometimes, well, usually all the time, it's a reflection of how someone feeling within, you know, and I think, too, she probably, women are funny sometimes. It seems like they wait for that ball to drop for that person to reach out and they have this plan in their mind of like, I'm just going to, I have all this stuff to say and I'm just going to say it and spit it out. And they really don't mean it or feel it. I think it's just like

this, it's this anticipation of like, you know, and I think that that might have been a combination of it as well. And I think, too, she probably had anger as well of, you know, that it didn't work out between you guys, especially if you did have that kind of connection and bond. Yeah. Yep. I can see that. Yeah, I can see that. Well, no, I can see.

Yeah, no, I'm not saying it in an arrogant way, but yeah, I can see. That makes me laugh, isn't it? Yeah. That women are funny with that stuff. Well, I mean, men. My mother always says women are only as crazy as men make them. And it depends. Huh?

It depends. Well, yeah, I mean, it depends. But, I mean, I'll tell you some other stories about two other relationships that I had, where I was telling you before that I was, for three and a half years, was the victim of domestic violence. And I know it sounds crazy. A man saying that, but it was because I was on bail in New Jersey on an ankle monitor where I couldn't leave and couldn't get away.

I mean, it was times where I thought she was going to kill me numerous times, numerous times. So I definitely have a way of being attracted to the wrong kind of women for my own particular reasons. And then not only attracted to the wrong kind of women, but my own energy has a way of bringing, you know what I mean, the wrong things out of women. So granted, everybody's responsible with their own issues. I'm not trying to defend the women that I was in, you know, those domestic violence relationships with. But I can take some accountability and say I wasn't a perfect angel. Yeah, that's okay. You know better now. Yeah, I do. Yeah, absolutely. So you, where were we? You were talking about so you got out and you were going to do a PhD, right?

Yeah, I wanted to do a PhD. I was going to go to California. But then the situation with my father happens. And I guess that's a pretty important part of the story. So I should. Touch on it. Yeah, I should cover that. So my father always had to have a project.

Always had to have somebody in his life where he had to be their savior. And when I got out, there was a 19-year-old boy living with us. And his family was a member of the last Christian church that my father was a pastor of. And he, his name was Mark. And he was a fucking little punk. I tried to be nice to him. I even helped him out. I got him a job at the nice, fine dining restaurant that I was working at.

And this was San Antonio, Texas in 2009. He was 18 years old making $800 a week cash, which back then. Yeah. It's good money. In San Antonio, Texas, it's unbelievably cheap, especially back then. And he fucked off that job. He was very disrespectful. I mean, you know, embarrassed me because he was so bad.

And that was fine. And I didn't harbor any resentment towards him. But one day, this is when I was still in the halfway house, I was on home confinement. So I was still technically an inmate, but they let you go and live at your house. And he came in from the back door and he smelled like marijuana. And I told him, I said, Mark, I said, I don't care if you smoke weed. But you can not do that. this when I'm in the house, you'll get me sent back to prison for a year. And he tried to lie to me

saying, oh, I'm not smoking weed. And they were just going back and forth. And finally I got to the point. And I was like, if you lie to me one more fucking time, you're going to regret it. You're not going to jeopardize a year of my freedom. You know what I mean? Like, I just got out of prison. And I'm not an idiot. You can't fucking lie to me. And so he said, okay, fine. Like, I'm sorry. I won't do it again. So I told my sister about it. She told my mother and this created this huge conflicts in my family. My sister came home from San Francisco. And she was heartbroken that Mark was still living there. She was just like, how can you do that? Like, we're going to lose Brian again. He's jeopardizing Brian's freedom. You know what I mean? Like,

how can you fucking do this? And I'll never forget it. My sister was just so heartbroken by my father's just unwillingness. You know what I mean? To put me, but it wasn't just about me. It was about her. It was about our entire family to put us before his project. You know what I mean? His mission. And I remember she was in the fetal position on the floor crying, just saying, please, just tell him to leave. Just tell him to leave. And it wasn't just about Mark. It was about everything that we went through as kids, you know, feeling neglected by him. And I mean, it's just all he had to do was say, okay, fine.

And he wouldn't do it. I remember just thinking like, what the fuck is wrong with this man where it's like, this is your own daughter? She's in the fetal position, fucking paralyzed right now. she can't move. She's crying. And all you have to do is say that, yes, you know, I'll kick Mark out so that, you know, he doesn't jeopardize Brian's freedom. And he wouldn't do it.

And I remember I went and I sat on the floor, put her head in my lap and just was petting her hair and was just like, it's okay, Laura. It's okay. Like we have each other. You know what I mean? We have mom. Like, fuck him. You know, he's a piece of shit.

Like, fuck him. And it's kind of crazy because she was upset that he wouldn't, you know, kick Mark out for me and that I was upset because he wouldn't stop making her crying. And so I've just kind of made the resentment even that much worse. But eventually Mark actually did move out of the house, but there was still like this weird fucking dynamic between the two of them. And my mom told me that my dad was doing Mark's laundry, that Mark would call him in the middle of the night and be like,

hey, order a pizza for me and my friends, that he would take my dad's car for fucking hours, like leave my dad stranded, just all this weird shit. Bizarre. Yeah. Unbelievable bizarre. So my mom told me that I was walking out of the house. And he had a clothes basket.

in his hand. And I was, yelled across the yard. I said, hey, dad, what are you doing? Huh? What are you doing? Huh? What are you doing? Huh? I said, never mind. He goes, oh, okay. And I was going to let it go. But then it was just my, you know, my ego and my temper. And I'm thinking like, motherfucker, you heard me those first three times. You're not going to hear me the first three times. But then when I say, never mind. That's when you hear me. So I turned around and went back in the house, went into the laundry room. And he had just finished putting Mark's clothes in the washer. And I just elbowed him out of the way. And I picked up the clothes and I looked at him and I said you bring these clothes back in this house I'll

fucking burn him and he tried he knew better than to get physical um and he left and I just told him again I was like I will burn these fucking clothes if you bring them back into the house me it was just it was just all the just years worth of neglect and just how could you do that to your own fucking daughter that's what was coming out so he left the laundry room but also like I feel like the weirdness of like almost being a father figure to this other guy Like why? Yeah. Well, I mean, it's just kind of you feel neglected your whole, your whole childhood.

It's a slap in the face. And yet here he is. Right. So he left the laundry room, went into the office, and I went over there, and we were having words. And I remember he was getting up like he was going to get physical. And I remember just having a smirk on my face like, motherfucker, I wish you would. Yeah, do it.

I've been waiting years to do this. And then it just clicked. And I looked at him. And I said, Mark is your gay lover. and I just kept on saying that over and over and over again. And he just was looking forward, just frozen, and he would not look at me. Do you think that was actually the case? I do.

And I looked at him and I said, you're dead to me. And I walked out and those are the last words that I ever said to him. And I remember this one time in the prison visiting room when I told him that I didn't believe in religion anymore. And I said, you know, part of the reason is that the worst people, I've ever met in the Christian church. The worst people I've ever met in life have all been members of the Christian church and the most moral people who've ever met have all been atheists. And I said, you know, to me, real morality is doing good for just goodness sake, not because you're scared of going to hell. And I said there's a lot of people, you know, in my opinion, I don't want

offend me listeners. There's a lot of people in the church that the only thing that keeps them from doing wrong is a fear of hell. And that's just pure self-interest. That's not morality. And so I told him that. And he looked at me and he goes, yeah, you know, there are a lot of people in the Christian church where the fear of hell is the only thing that keeps their demons in check. And I remember it sent chills down my spine because I knew it was like, you know, a self-confession moment. And at the time, I was very angry with him and I was angry with him when he died. But now I think back and I think that if he was gay and he was born in Texas in the 1940s and he had all of these external cues telling him that he was evil for something that I frankly,

do not believe you can control. I don't believe it's a choice. I can understand where his self-hatred and everything like that came from and how it fucking, you know, just destroyed him. Yeah. And I'll never forget being in the ICU. My mother was in there. A nurse was in there. And I've been in there for about two minutes. He was in a drug-induced coma. And when they do those, if you really want to wake up, you know, you can kind of wake up. So he was there. And my mother said something to me. And I said something back to her. And he heard my voice. And his eyes just started to flicker. And you could tell he was using like every ounce of strength he had to open his eyes.

And he was just all over the room like this. And then finally he saw me and he locked on. And when he locked on, he just wouldn't stop staring at me. And he just used every ounce of strength he could to raise his hands and reach out to me. And I didn't take his hand. And I really wonder if I would have taken his hand to let him know that it was okay. You know what I mean? And I fucking understood.

I really wonder if he'd still be a. live because I don't think it was the pneumonia. He caught pneumonia and a month later was in the hospital. A month later was dead. I don't think it was a pneumonia that killed him. I think it was his will to live that ultimately killed him. And so I feel, you know what I mean? Like if I could tell him anything, it's just would tell him you don't have to ask for forgiveness. If that's who you were, you know what I mean? You didn't have to fucking hate yourself. It was no right for society or the church or anybody to tell you that you're a bad person because of that. So now I think back and I have well, you know, just tons of compassion for him.

And it's just, I don't know. And the other thing, too, is like, when you realize, you know, my biggest thing in life is that I realize that I've been my own worst enemy and that I've been the demon that I'm ultimately running from. And when you learn how to forgive yourself, it's just so much easier to forgive other people too. And the other thing, too, is with him, there's no even need for forgiveness. If that's what he went through because that's who he was in that.

led to him hating himself and, you know, going down that past. And it's just, I mean, that was just a tortured soul that didn't know how to respond to external cues telling him that he was evil, you know, and he was a bad person. Right. Yeah. He was just battling with his own shit. And I think, too, there's a lot of times in our lives where we, you know, in a moment, for example, like in that moment when you were in the ICU with him and he like reached out and, you know, whatever, in that moment, you weren't at a place within yourself where you could have grabbed his hand and felt and meant what it would if you were back there now. So like as I think that, you know, for a lot of people, a situation like that, they, you know, look back on it or feel some

sort of regret or, you know, the what ifs. Because that's naturally as humans. That's what we do. But at the same time, it's like sometimes it's those moments that we can reflect and look back on. that help shape us into the better versions of ourselves because we can only learn from them. And it sounds cheesy, but it's real. It's the truth, though. It's absolutely the truth. Yeah.

I always say this. There's two ways to the top of a mountain. You can take a helicopter or you can climb. When you get to the top, the view externally is the same. But the view internally is not the same. If you get dropped off on the top of a mountain from a helicopter, you don't appreciate it. And you haven't been made better by getting to the top of the mountain.

But if you climb that mountain and you get, you know, you fall, you break an arm, you have to rest, you fall all the way to the bottom, you have to try again. When you get to the top of that mountain, you fucking know who you are. And the strength that you have is completely and totally different than the person that just got dropped off. And what I always say is that when you get to the top of the mountain after climbing it, you're going to look out and you're going to see a beautiful view. But the most beautiful view that you're going to see is when you look inside and you see the person that you've become as a result of that climb and a result of that struggle. And there's a saying that I love. And it's not the journey or the destination.

It's who you become along the way. And, you know, a lot of, like, I've had some fucked up things happen in life. And a lot of people say, well, do you have any regrets? And I say, well, I regret the negative impact that my actions have had on others. And if I could go back and change that, I would. But I do not regret and I wouldn't go back and change anything as far as the way that it's impacted me. And the reason why I can say that is because I love myself. I'm starting to love and respect myself more and more every day.

And I realize that who I am is connected to all of those experiences. So if I go back and I say, oh, I want to change that, well, then I can't honestly say that I love myself right now because I am a product of those experiences. So what you said to me is not corny and not cheesy. It really is what life is all about. And it's life is a struggle, no doubt, but it's a beautiful struggle. And I think that that's what people have to remember more than anything. And how did your mom take your dad's death? Was that her in my?

She's never been the same, never been the same. So he was a pastor and he had a wedding that he had to do. And she had to get into his email so that she could contact the couple that were expecting him to be their pastor. And she was just like, I have to do this because she's like, I can't imagine this couple thinking that they're going to get married and their pastor doesn't show up. So I was in the room with her when she finally figured out his password to his email. And she was going through it. And there was an email from adult friend finder. and she was just like, what is this?

And I instantly knew. And I'm just the type of person where I'll face reality. You know, like my sister and my mother were kind of in denial. Because there was never any proof about him and Mark, but to me it was just the way that I said it in the way that he looked forward and couldn't face me, I just, like, that to me was enough. And so when she was in his email and she clicked on an adult friend finder and looked at his profile, it saw all the things that was like clicked on that he was into.

She was just like, no, it can't be him. It can't be him. And she just started doing this, like, shaking back and forth with her eyes closed. and I went over there and just, you know, kind of put my arm on her. I mean, at that point, like, you can't say anything. She was married to him for 32 years. So I can't even imagine what that would have to feel like. And the thing of it, too, is that this was after he died.

Right. So she doesn't even get any type of closure. But they were already about to get a divorce before he went in. Okay. And it didn't matter. She was at, and he was a manipulative asshole, you know, all those things. And it didn't matter. She was at his bedside every fucking day when he was.

he was in the ICU. So to show that much loyalty and that much love, despite how he treated her, her entire life, and then to just have that confirmation right in front of you. And she's never been the same since. She has Parkinson's, and she's in, you know, a nursing home. It's not pretty. I mean, it's not pretty at all. It just like my father, I don't think it was a pneumonia that killed him with my mother. I don't think it's the Parkinson's per se. I think that it's the trauma that she has going through with my father. Yeah, the buildup over the years. Absolutely.

It's heartbreaking. Absolutely. Yeah. That's who I feel sorry for. You know. Yeah. So. Okay.

So then we're back at California. I go to California and I go out there and I moved out there because the fine dining restaurant that I was working at in San Antonio had all sorts of accolades and awards where I could have gone to any major city and had that restaurant on my resume and gotten hired. right away. And you could make good money and fine dining, especially in a city like San Francisco. So I went over there, got a job in a fine dining restaurant, but I just, I was just like, I want more. Like, you know, I mean, I don't want to work in a fucking restaurant. And there was, you'd look at Craigslist. There was all these jobs, $100,000 a year, $200,000 a year.

And there was one ad for a portion of Audi dealership. And I drove an Audi at the time. I love portion out of Audies. And I just thought like, fuck, like I want that job. So I submitted my resume online, didn't hear back from them for about two days and I said, you know what, I don't give a shit, I'm showing up. So I have my resume printed out, showed up in a suit and tie, went and introduced myself to the general manager and the assistant manager and they were just like, you know what? We think you have what it takes. We want to fucking hire you. So they hired me right there on the spot. How it works in California is you have to have a sales license. So you have to go to the DMV and get your temporary sales license.

And then it takes them about two months to give you your permanent sales license. So they hired me on the spot, immediately went to the DMV, got my temporary sales license and started working maybe like two days later. And it was the best fucking job you could ever have. 12 to 7, 5 days a week, an hour for lunch. The general manager and the assistant manager never asked you what you were doing. It was very simple. If you want to make money, you know what it takes to fucking make money.

If you don't want to make money, oh well. You know what I mean? You're not going to make money. I was the top grossing salesman my first month there. I made $10,000 my first month. I loved the job. I mean, you got to take Porsches and Audi's, home. It was, it was, I was on cloud fucking nine. My second month, I made $10,000. And the other thing, too,

is that to me, it wasn't just selling people a car. There was a lot of people that, you know, they worked for tech. It was their first major purchase. There was one guy who was an author. He got it was a children's book. He got his book picked up. And you looked at him and he just did not look like the kind of guy that would drive a Porsche. But his wife convinced him like, no, like what you just did was amazing, reward yourself. And so you got to have these experiences where it wasn't just this, you know, material possession. It was a milestone in their life. And so I really enjoyed, you know, sharing that experience with people. I was very honest with how I would deal with people. I'd bring them outside and I'd say, pull out your phone. We'd stand by the car they were going to

buy. I'd say, pull out your phone. Go to admins.com. Pull up true market value. There's a sticker. Put in all that information. And then I'd say, what does that price say right there? Because this is at a time where people really didn't know what true market value was. And I tell them, I say, if you go in there and you tell the finance manager that I told you this, you're going to get me in trouble and you're going to get me fired. But that's a fair price for the car. Go in there and tell them that's your price. And so all of my deals would get done in five minutes. Because I just looked at it. People hated the hassle. I also think the hassle is dishonest. And I would go out there and I would educate them. Here's how you know what a fair price is for this car. And so they loved that. And they would go in there. And I was already getting recommendations my first month in just because it was an honest car buying experience. And so I was proud of myself. I conducted myself with honesty and integrity. I enjoyed the moment. It wasn't just a material possession.

It was a milestone. And then I was making fucking bank. And it was like the third or fourth day of my third month. I already had about $15,000 worth of deals that I was going to close. So my third month, it looked like I was going to make like $25,000. I was, like I said, I was on cloud nine. And they tell me that the owner needs to see me upstairs. and so I go up there and the state of California had denied my permanent sales license.

Yep, because of my record. And the owner, the general manager and the assistant manager didn't tell them about my record because they didn't know if you would care. And so he's the one that got the letter from the state of California. So this is the first time he became aware that I had a record. And he told the assistant manager and the general manager, I don't care if we have to get attorneys, do whatever it takes so that we can help him resolve this. And he called me upstairs and shook my hand and told me, he said, you get this figured out.

He goes, you always have a job here. And that's what was so heartbreaking is that I know that I conducted myself with honesty and integrity. I know that I was, you know, good at the job. And I had employers that were there that wanted to hire me. And yet because of some state regulation, I couldn't have this job. And I went out in my car and I cried. And it's so defeating. It's like how is somebody supposed to build themselves back up when they're just being denied a job?

Yep. Yeah. And it's, I cried for about five minutes. And then I stopped, found my resilience and was like, you know what? I don't give a fuck. So you couldn't resolve it. No, I'll tell you what happened, not about nine months later with an administrative law judge. But so I shook it off.

So you know what? I'm going to turn this into a better opportunity, a better experience. and was looking for other jobs and I actually went into a group interview for AXA Financial Services. And the guy who did the group interview, he came in and said, I'm not lying to you, telling you the truth. This is how lucrative this job can be. I just sold a life insurance policy that pays $400,000 commission up front. He was like, this job will change your life. And so it was a group interview. He was very honest with us. He told us, he said the first four years, you're going to make $100,000 a year, which isn't a lot of money.

You're going to work six days a week, 18 hours a day. He said you're going to hate life. But he goes, you'll make it to your fifth year. You'll make your first million dollars and you'll never do anything else again. It's like 93% of people that make it to their fifth year. That is the job that they have for the rest of the lives because it's so lucrative. So I'm sitting here thinking like, well, fuck, sign me up. But the room is full of not kids, but, you know, younger men that have just gotten out of Wharton, Michigan, like all the top business schools.

Yeah, with MBA. Yeah, with ambiation atop, business schools. And so I'm just sitting there thinking, there is no way in hell they're going to hire me. So we do the group interviewer. They ask all of us a question. And then interviewer, it's like, okay, you know, we'll be in touch. And everybody's walking out of the room. And remember he walked around the table and he came back and just kind of lightly touched me on the elbow.

And he goes, you know, hang back. So I'm just like, okay, cool. And the enthusiasm he had in his voice, he was, he just, he told me, he said, you have what it takes for this job. He said, this job is going to change your life. you will be a millionaire. And I told him, I said, I've done five and a half years in federal prison, you know, for drug trafficking, spares and distributed cocaine.

I have a record. And he looked at me and he said, I don't care. He goes, if you can pass your series seven and you're a series 63 and get bonded, he goes, you have what it takes for this job. This job is going to change your life. And he kept on saying that over and over again. So I went and looked it up, couldn't get bonded. And so that was, you know, it's just like slowly chipping, you know, chipping away at my resilience.

And I remember I had an administrative law hearing with an administrative judge from the state of California because I filed an appeal to try to get my sales license back. And I went in there and I defended myself. And I'm not exaggerating. People in the courtroom literally stood up and clapped for me. I embarrassed the state's prosecutor. And the only thing I had to show was that there was ample evidence of rehabilitation in order for the judge to grant me my sales license. And I pointed out everything that I did, that I, It was on the president's list.

I got a high-paying job in San Antonio. I came out here. I didn't have any experience selling Porsche's and outies, but I wanted to do it. The dealership wanted me back. And I just made a passionate plea for my life. And she denied my sales license. And as I was walking out of the courtroom, people were standing up, shaking my hand. You know what I mean?

Telling me like how bad it was. And I remember walking out of that courtroom and I wore a suit and tie. And I remember just undoing the tie. and it was just like a light switch or it was just like fuck it i just don't care anymore and that was at the time in northern california where you could make millions of dollars trafficking weed from northern california to other places so i started trafficking marijuana from northern california to texas before you continue uh-huh that's like a very like such a clear example though of like someone that could have made so much money ethically and you had the motivation you wanted to do it

and they just beat you twice and they just beat you down and they were like no no no and then they wonder why you go back to the other ways well i still have to accept personal responsibility those were all contributing factors ultimately i was the determining factor because i chose and i get that but like if if something thing, I just feel like there's way, look, anyone can do anything they want. There's always ways around things. And I think if maybe in the grand scheme of things, yeah, they can't give these rights to just everyone and anyone that's been in prison for this, that and the other. But I think that if you went out of your way to like go and defend yourself and say, I want it for this reason. And like, even if they had to do more check-ins with you or anything that they wanted to do to just confirm that you were doing everything

for ethical reasons. Like, I don't get why they couldn't. It's not about bending rules or not accepting responsibilities. It's just about giving opportunities to somebody that's wanting to change their life around. That's what doesn't make sense to me. Well, the other thing, too, is the irony. Those laws were supposedly there to protect society. Yet, if they weren't there, I never would have gone back to trafficking drugs.

Exactly. Is what it comes down to. And the thing of it is, is that, you know, I'm not sitting here and trying to brag, but I didn't just, I didn't just traffic a little bit of marijuana. Like I trafficked a lot. I mean, it was within a couple months. I was already making $100,000 a month. And that progressed over the course of about a year and a half, two years where I was making about $500,000, $600,000 a month. That is crazy. And when you want to know the craziest thing, it's never enough. No, it's not. It does not matter. It's never enough. And that's what led me to the incident on

December 12th, 2012, where I boarded a private jet from Oakland to Teterboro, which with just you know, a little bit of weed on there. I was selling about 300 pounds a week. I was making about $500 a pound. And it was, it was a perfect setup, like a perfect fucking setup. The person that I was getting it from in California fucking loved me. I didn't have to touch it in California. I didn't have to touch it in New York in Jersey. I had like people all along the way where the only thing that I would do was touch the money. And like I said, I was making 500,000 a $600,000 a week. It was a perfect fucking setup. But it's not enough. And well, it's not enough because the money is supposed to heal the internal wounds that it can never heal. It didn't matter

how much money I made. It didn't matter, you know, the attention that I had from women. I ultimately still hated myself. And that's what I think really fucks you up. up is that you tell yourself if I have this much money, if I have these material possessions, if, you know, if I have the attention from these kinds of women, whatnot, etc., I'm going to love myself. And then when you accomplish those goals and nothing changes on the inside. Because there's no fulfillment. Yeah.

It just turns you into a fucking monster. And so, you know, it's just you have to have that more. You have that more. So I was doing very well for myself. The people that I was getting all of the weed from, they approached me. And they told me that they needed to get about 500 pounds a week over to New York and that they would pay me $300 a pound. So I'm thinking like, fuck yeah, another $150,000 a week.

And so I had to figure out transportation. The transportation system I had, it was already maxed at about $300 a week. So I had to figure out another transportation system. And I had a friend who had a friend in L.A. where they brokered private jets. And he told me, he was like, look, let's just go down there and talk to him. So we went to L.A., SLS, hotel in L.A., met the guy. And he was very intelligent, was very smart.

and told me, look, I know what to do so I don't raise any red flags. I'll book the jet for you. I'll even fly from L.A. to make sure, you know what I mean? You get on the plane because I told him, I said, I want to do this at least once a week. So he's thinking, like, hell, yeah, you know, here's a consistent paycheck. So he books the jet. And what I didn't know is that he had a, do you know what a dead leg is when you're booking jets? So a dead leg is, like if you have a plane that's going from Oakland to Teterboro.

Or so you have a paying customer out of Teterboro that's actually going to pay. for the flight, but the plane that you're going to sell them is over in Oakland. And so you're not going to make money flying from Oakland to Teterboro. So that's a dead leg. You have to get the plane there. You'll sell that trip for a cheaper price just to try to get the fuel paid for because it's already an expense. So he had a jet booked outright that had an undercarriage because I told him the kind of containers that the weed would be in. But this dead leg became available last minute. And so he booked the dead leg instead. And the dead leg didn't have an undercarriage. carriage for the containers. And then the other thing is that the pilot for that plane was a snitch for the

DEA. So as the containers were being loaded up in the plane, he was inside calling his DEA handlers. So got on the plane, took off, landed, thought I had made it. Because the way it is in Teterboro, you can see here are the hangers. And here's where the plane comes up to the hangers. And this is where the shuttle that brings you through the gate and to the front side of the hangers. And I knew that's where the SUV that I had booked was waiting for me. And so didn't see any signs, any police presence, nothing, got off the shuttle, thought everything was fine. And came to the security gate and looked over at the front, it was signature,

looked over at the front of signature. And it's just like out of a fucking movie scene, just undercover cop cars, you know, marked cop cars just fucking everywhere. Was that like an oh fuck moment for you? Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Because I mean, at that point, you're just sitting there thinking like it's 10 o'clock. at night in Teeterboro fucking airport. There's nothing else around. There's that much of a police.

I mean, this was a fucking police presence, like something right out of a movie. So prior to this, when you, because I know that you said that you were only really touching the money, did you have to pay like a lot of people that were kind of going back and forth for you and handling the drugs? Yeah. So, I mean, I had people that were involved in transportation. I had people that were involved in distribution. But the perfect thing about it was I had one person I was getting it from. I had one person that I was giving it to. So it was, I'm telling it was so pretty fluid. Yeah. Yeah. It was. it was so, you couldn't have asked for a better situation.

So how long did you do that for? I was doing that from 2010 and 2012 until this case happened. Okay. So then you're about two years and then you got to call it. And then this happened. And so when the shuttle stopped, four DE agents got on. They introduced themselves as Port Authority. But they were DE agents and they told me that they were doing security checks,

you know, checking for bombs and guns. And so at that point, like, you know, whatever. just being a smug asshole and I just was like, wouldn't it make more sense to check for bombs and guns before I took off? You know, because if I was going to, you know, hijack the plane or do something with it, you know what I mean? It doesn't make any sense if you do a security check after I've already landed. Oh, well, you know, and I'm just like, come on, man. Like, stop feeding me fucking bullshit. Just get to it. And he was just like, well, we want to see what's inside the containers. And I told him, I said, I don't have the legal authority to give you permission

because the contents are protected by a non-disclosure agreement. I've been entrusted by a hedge fun. There's prototypes in the inside. And I don't have the legal authority to do that. And I literally had like fake contracts and everything drawn up. And he said, ah, but you know, come on, you kind of do. And I was just like, look, I don't have a legal authority to give you permission to search inside these containers. So I'm not going to. And he would, you know, try to convince me some more. And then I just asked him, I said, am I being detained? And he said, no, you're not being detained. I said, okay, I want to leave. And so he was still trying to stall me. And then after about two minutes or so, I said, look, I said, you're stalling on purpose. I know exactly what you're doing.

And so if you're stalling on purpose, if you're prolonging the stop, this actually constitutes a detainment. So I'm going to ask you one more time, am I being detained? Nope, you're not being detained. I said, okay, I want to leave. And I stood up. And he said, okay, just give me your ID. Let me take a picture of it. So we took a picture of my ID.

We got off the shuttle. I came outside and I said, you know, one more time in front of everyone. You do not have the right to detain me, but you do have the right to seize the containers. And he goes, yes. And it was crazy because I lucked out because the drug dog that they were supposed to have on scene when I landed was on another call that was taken a long time. And so they couldn't have the drug dog there. So without the drug dog, they only had a reasonable suspicion.

They did not have probable cause. The drug dog, if you would have signaled on the containers, it would have been probable cause. They could have arrested me. But because they didn't have probable calls for arrest, they had reasonable suspicion, which meant that they could seize the containers, but I was free to leave.

So the- How did the pilot know what was in the containers? They get paid, I think it's 25% of street value. So they give them an incentive where, if you have fucking containers why the fuck do I care if there's something in there I'm getting 25% of street value if there's not something in there the fuck do I care so they just make the call just because like there's container okay if they see something suspicious they are going to make the call got because they're going to be rewarded financially for it and worst case it's nothing

it's not like the DEA is going to get mad at them oh there was nothing in there okay got it they don't fucking care yeah so it's yeah like they the DEA knows what they're doing to put people in positions to where it's financially lucrative for them. So that was a situation. So they took the containers. So they, yeah, they took the containers. I got in the SUV. The SUV drivers looking to me like, dude, what the fuck just happened?

And I tell him, like, dude, just drive, get into the city as quickly as possible through like a couple hundreds up there and was just like, dude, just smashed the fucking gas. Because I knew, I didn't know that the drug dog was on another, was on another call. but I knew there was something going on as to why there wasn't a drug dog there. So I knew that they were following me. And I knew that as soon as that drug dog hit on those containers, they would pull over the SUV and they would arrest me because they would have probable cause for arrest at that point. So we get all the way downtown on the west side highway. We're at a light.

And I just jump out because I knew there was a subway station right there. And so I jump out with my bags, run to the fucking subway station, get on the subway. And it was right at the end of the line. So the doors were open because it was about to start going back the other way. And I remember just sitting there like, come on, come on, come on, come on, go. go, go, go, go. And this dude runs in, sits across from me and he's just kind of, you know, looking up like this, won't make eye contact with me. But you can see the chain from his badge. And I just kind of look at him like this. And he finally makes eye contact with me. And I'm like,

really, dude? Like, come on. Grab my bags, jumped out, went and got into a taxi and told the taxi to drive me to Greenwich, Connecticut. Because that's where I was staying. That's where I had a car. And I didn't know it until years later until I got the discovery. But I actually lost them in the traffic in in the taxi cab in Manhattan but I didn't know that I'm still in fucking panic mode gave the guy you know a whole bunch of money was like just get to fucking Connecticut as quickly as possible called my friend who was in Connecticut and I said do not ask any questions take the fucking Jeep put it behind this tavern put the keys in the gas tank and don't ask any questions but what's I was like dude do not ask any fucking questions so he does that and the reason why I

had him do it at that tavern is because it was on this street in Greenwich where you, unless you were from Greenwich, you wouldn't know that there was a back to it and that there was a back door. And so I had the taxi driver drop me off. I grabbed my bags, slowly walked up to the door, went inside the tavern. But as soon as a tavern door closed, I mean, I just fucking bolted it right to the tavern. I remember people looking at me like, what the fuck is going on with this guy? Ran out the back, got into the fucking Jeep and just drove. I mean, just zigzagging, just thinking, you know, they were.

were still tailing me and eventually became convinced that nobody was tailing me. But then I got a phone call from the DE agent. And he goes, hey, you know, the drug dog just signaled positively on the containers. So we do have probable calls for arrest. I need you to come turn yourself in. And I just remember thinking like, oh, yeah, I'll be right there. So I was on the run for three years and was placed. Actually, the U.S.

Marshall, who was after me, created. the Northern California top 10 most wanted list solely so he could have more money and more agents to try to find me. And my face was all over billboards in Northern California. And it was on the local news. And there was actually a lot of backlash for me being on the list because there were six murderers on the list. There were the three original guys from the Alcatraz escape, which was really, really famous in Northern California. And there was me for marijuana. And so a lot of people like saw that. because obviously the marshals want that to be on the local news because that's kind of their tactics with having that list as you put them up on billboards, get in the news as much as possible so that if people see them, you know, they'll contact them. There was obviously a reward for my capture.

So people were looking at that list and looking into it. And a lot of people called up the news station like, the fuck is this guy doing on here? You know what I mean? It's like there's six murderers and the three guys from Alcatraz and somebody for weed. This is Northern California. Like nobody gives a fuck about that. Right. But it was an ego trip.

That Marshall was just fucking. after me, it was 100% ego. The things that he did to my family, I just do not understand how you can feel like you're on the right side of the law. My family absolutely did not know where I was. I did not contact him for three years because I would not put them in the position where in order to protect me, they had to break the law, would not fucking do that to them. But yet he would show up and he would harass them saying, I know, you know where he's at, told my sister, she was going to be arrested her kids were going to be put in state custody told my brother-in-law he was going to be deported to my mother who has fucking Parkinson she was going to be arrested to and they didn't

know where I was at and he was lying to them saying I know you know I know you know which I understand those are tactics but it's just you know have some decency it's just if you look at my family they're just so innocent and just did not deserve that and then the other thing you did too is he told my mother that you know things happen in the field you know, fingers slipped, fingers slipped, people end up dead. I hate that, I hate for that to happen to Brian, you know what I mean? But right now I can't make any guarantees that that won't happen. He said, but if you tell me where he's at, I'll make sure that he's safe.

So he was implying that if she knew where I was and she didn't tell me that when he found me in the field, he was going to fucking kill me. Like for 109 pounds of weed, you really think that that's an acceptable fucking tactic? That's the part that just, you know, and I get it. I did wrong. I can accept responsibility for that 100%. But if I have to accept responsibility for my actions, then I'm going to hold everybody to the same standard. And so too is everyone else. And so you have to hold yourself to the same standard. You can't break the law to uphold the law. And that's the biggest part. Like I'm not anti-police at all. They're obviously needed. There are

police that are heroes. But the ones that feel that you can break the law to uphold the law, that's just simply not the case. And those are the ones. that make society less safe. Those are the ones that create, you know what I mean, all sorts of societal backlash. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. How are you on the run for three years?

Brought dead people back to life, had multiple different identities. Yeah, like state issued identities. Yeah. The attorney, excuse me, the prosecutor at my bail hearing when they gave me a million dollar bail enhancement said that I was a James Bond type of criminal, how I was bringing dead people back to life

in all of these things. And so that's how she got, my bond from $250,000 to a million dollars. And I had a million dollar bond for about a month before we got it down to $350,000. That is crazy. So during this time in these three years, were you still selling drugs? I sold more fucking weed. Right, because at this point, you're like, all right, let's go all in. Well, at that point, it's, I knew I was going back to prison. I was not scared of going back to prison. I was scared of losing the money. That was the only thing that I was scared of.

And so I thought, okay, I have to do all of these things. So when I get out of prison, I'll have money. That's what I was scared of. And I didn't understand it at the time. I knew I was panicked. I knew I was running from something. But it just didn't make sense to me because I knew that I wasn't scared of going back to prison.

You're 22 years old. You do five and a half years. You just kind of fucking become numb to it. Yeah. And I just did not understand it. And it was only years later after I went to the whole dark night of the soul experience that I understood that that's ultimately, it was running for myself. I wasn't on the run trying to escape prison.

I was on the run from being laid bare and having to face the reality of myself is what I was on the run from. Jeez. So in this time, you're selling drugs. And then did you feel like every day? Could be my last? Yes. I lived every. I mean, here's the deal.

And I don't know how to say this without sounding fucked up because it was a horrible, traumatizing experience. It really fucking was. Like when you know that you're being hunted like a fucking animal. Yeah. Every day can be your last. It is crazy. But it was also the most exhilarating time of my. To be a life.

Yeah. So like when you would go out in public, like would you, did you feel like you had to like cover your face? No, because I wouldn't go back to Northern California. Okay. I would stay out of Northern California. So that's where they were really looking for you. Although it didn't fucking stop me altogether because I remember one time, it wasn't even my money. I was doing a favor for a friend that eventually snitched on me and told the U.S.

Marshals where I was at. He got caught up in the Shrimp Boy Child case, which was a really, really big case out of Northern California. But he needed to get $200,000 back to San Francisco right away. And his partner wouldn't fly because you can only fly back with about $100,000 for each individual person. And so he had his girlfriend that was going. He couldn't fly because he had already been blacklisted because they called him with like $20,000. And if they catch you with money, they'll kind of blacklist you where every time you land, they're going to, you know, search your bags.

And his partner wouldn't go because he had a fucking plenty of fish date. And I remember it, I remember just thinking like, what a fucking idiot. You're talking about a multi-million dollar operation. The very reason why you have money and you, you know, make some stupid online dating app date. And that's why you're not fucking flying the money back. And I remember I told my friend, I was like, dude, I was like, I'll fucking fly it back. I mean, I had flown back money so many times before where it's, just it is what it is. The other thing too is if they catch you with the money, they just take it

because it's a civil offense. It's not criminal. So even though I was on the run, I just wasn't fucking scared. So I had $100,000 in my bag. His girlfriend had $100,000 in her bag. I got through no problem because I knew how to pack the money so that even when it went through the x-rays, it never went off, never had any fucking issues. And so I packed her bag and I told her, I said, don't move any of the money because if you clump it up, that's what sets it off. So of course, listen, she clumped up the money and it was in one of the bags. It was probably about $12,000 in there. And they stopped her and they only saw the 12,000. They didn't see the rest of the money that was in there, but they still asked her, you know, how much is it? I think she told him it was

only about $8,000. And they said, okay, fine. It took a copy of her ID though. And I remember her boyfriend, you know, my friend, he came up all panicked and we were in JFK. It's kind of crazy because when I flew back to JFK, I was looking at the exact spot where it happened. Like, holy shit. And he comes up to me and he's like, dude, they got Chee, they got She. And I'm just like, okay, man, like, well, get the fuck away from me. Like, do you want to lose this fucking $100,000 too? Like, come on, there's cameras all over here. Right.

And he's just like, you know, I think they're going to let her through. I think they're going to let her through. And I'm like, okay, I'm like, there's the fucking exit. Let's get the fuck out of here. If she got through with the money, you know that we're going to get hit when we land. So let's get the fuck out of here. And he goes, I got to take the risk. I got to get this money back.

I got to get this money back. And I'm just looking at him like, you're a fucking idiot. Like, you're going to risk $200,000. And I told him, I was just like, I don't really give a shit. So we were all on separate reservations and we all had checked bags. And the reason why you have checked bags is because if you don't have checked bags, as soon as you get off the plane, they'll stop you right there. But if you have checked bags, they won't stop you until you get to the baggage claim.

So if you think, like, if something's going on, you're just trying to buy yourself that extra, you know, a couple minutes. So we are all on three separate different reservations. We all had checked bags. So I was looking at it, like, whatever. I don't really fucking care. Worst case scenario, they're going to take the money. But mind you, I'm on the fucking run and I'm flying back to San Francisco where I'm a top 10 most wanted criminal with my fucking face on the billboard.

So we're in the plane. We're flying back. And I tell my friend, I say, dude, I say, go back there, get the money out of her bag and come up here and put it in my back. And I said, what we're going to do is you and I are going to walk down, put me in a fucking taxi. I'm going to take off. I'm going to give you the ticket from my bag. And you're going to get the ticket from my bag. I'll say, that's the best chance that we have.

So he went back there, got the money all out of her bag, put it all in my bag. And we were both in first class, Virgin America. we're the first two people off the plane. And I'll never forget this scene. We walk out and you can see it. Deage in here. Deage and here. They're all undercover and they're just all, you know, have their little

fucking perimeter sitting there kind of, you know, looking at newspapers, looking up, all those kinds of things. And it was at night so the airport wasn't very crowded. And it's, you know, my friend and I, first of us walking out the plane. And I guess I don't really look like a drug dealer. I mean, maybe I do. I don't know. I mean, I don't know.

You can just tell them up to no good. And you look at my friend too. He definitely looks like a drug dealer. And so we're the first two that walk out of the plane. You know, we're the first two. So, you know, we're in first class. And all the DEA guys are kind of like, like, are we going to stop them? Like, fuck.

But they were after, you know what I mean? This girlfriend. Like, that's what the report was. And so I remember they were all kind of like looking at us as we, you know, walk through their whole like little fucking perimeter. I'm thinking like, god damn, like these dudes definitely got to be fucking up to something. And, you know, mind you, I'm on the run. And that was the longest walk through the fucking airport, getting the fucking taxi.

Boom, take off. You know, I've got like, I've got $192,000 on me. because we left her with $8,000. So he goes back. He's about to go up and, you know, tap her on the shoulder and say, hey, you know, Brian got away. And four D agents surround her and whip out badge and say, excuse me, ma'am, can you come with us? And so they bring her over there to their little, like, you know, questioning booths. And they say, we understand you have some money in here.

She goes, yes. And they go, how much? She goes about $8,000. And they said, okay, where did you get the money from? She goes, I'm a dancer. I was, you know, working at Sappfires over the weekend. Now I'm coming back. So they look at the money.

It's all in 20s. They counted it's only $8,000 and they give her the money and they fucking let her on her way. And I know it's stupid. I know it's arrogant. I know it's fucking gloating. But if there is one fucking story that I could tell that U.S. Marshall that had a fucking hard on for me, I would love to fucking tell him that story. How it's on the run.

There was your fucking DEA buddies right there based on the fucking billboards. And that's stupid. You know what I mean? In childish, I can fucking own that. But that's just, you know, just a fucking egotistical. The kid in me that, you know, like I said, would just gloat to let him. know. But that individual, he was involved in the Shrimp Boy Chow case. And he was only facing six months in federal prison. He cooperated on that case. And the U.S. Marshal who was after me,

he was forced to give my case back to New Jersey because that's where my case was out of, because that's where the warrant was out of. And he was forced to give my case back because he just made no fucking progress. So my case wasn't even an active case on his desk anymore. He was in federal court and an unrelated case. And he heard my friend's name. called out and he was just like that's an associate of Kelkots so he went up there he got a copy of the indictment and there was one place in the indictment where my friend and another friend mentioned to Brian and so he goes I know that's Kelcott so he couldn't even bill the travel expenses to the U.S. Marshals because it wasn't an active case on his desk in his office anymore and so he had one of

the DEA agents who was on the joint Fugitive Task Force take out a new DEA number on me and they build all the expenses to fly to New York to question both my friends and both my friends. The joke is, you know, they had to slap him once to get him to talk. They had to slap them twice to get him to shut up. So they both told them where I was at. That led to them arresting me in Colorado. And it's about two months before I got back to Jersey because I was down there for about six weeks and I spent 17 days in the back of a paddy wagon fucking chained and shackle.

That's like one of the worst experience ever go through in your life. took 17 days zigzagging all over the United States to where finally got back to Jersey. They fucking cranked my bail up to a million dollars, got a new attorney, had it like that for about a month, got the bail down to $350,000. Had to pay 10% $35,000. It was there on an ankle monitor. They would not let me fucking go. They had me on an ankle monitor for three and a half fucking years while I fought the guy. case in New Jersey. And that's when I told you when I went through the experience where I was a

victim of domestic violence for three and a half fucking years. And I know it sounds crazy because people look at me and they said, Jesus Christ, you know, I mean, you're a big guy. How was that the case? But first of all, I wouldn't hit a woman. I had been in situations like that before where I had, you know, people I was dating hit me and I would just walk away. I could leave. But in this situation, it was I was on an ankle monitor and she just completely changed and became a completely and totally fucking different person. It's like she instantly recognized the power that she had in that situation. And I remember I got out on bail. Things were, you know, fucking great between us because I've been away for two months. So this was someone you were dating. Well, yeah. So this was someone,

this is someone that I was dating when I was on the run. Okay. And the crazy thing is that she didn't even know my real name until they arrested me because I met her in a fucking club and I didn't know that things would, you know what I'd become so serious with us. So I introduced, I introduced myself as my alias. Okay. And so she knew me as my alias and then we became, you know what I mean, close. And I just, I didn't know how to fucking tell her, oh, by the way. Right. You know what I mean? I'm on the fucking run. And that's my, you know what I mean? That's my fake name. That's my fucking alias. And she would always ask me about my family and I would tell her like, you know, I can't see them. I can't see them.

I never told her I was on the run. She knew something was going on though. She thought I had murdered someone and she thought that's why I was on the run. She knew it was something serious. But she definitely knew there was something I wasn't telling her. But I mean, I feel unbelievably sorry for her. She was younger. And I mean, we were definitely, you know, madly, crazy in love.

And then she finds out that that's not even my real fucking name and I'm on the run. So I can definitely. understand, I mean, I don't want to sit here and justify her treatment, but I can definitely understand just how, you know, how floored she must have become. Yeah, but she also could have chosen to walk away. No, she could have. I mean, the thing of it is, is that she was part of the reasons why we bonded so strongly was because when she was 14 years old, her parents sent her to this kind of like private juvenile facility in Utah. Utah has a lot of And if you heard about it, it has a lot of these crazy fucking places.

And they sent her there for two years. It was called Cross Creek. And that absolutely, you know, destroyed her. I mean, completely and fucking totally destroyed her. So once you've been to prison, it's just, it's hard to just explain how much of a traumatic situation it was. So we became very, very close because she would talk about Cross Creek. I would talk about prison. And so we definitely, you know what I mean, bonded, you know, bonded very strongly over that.

And it was two people that loved each other, but also hated themselves at the same time. Typical recipe for a disaster. You have two people that hate themselves. Right. So then when you had the ankle monitor, you were living with her? Yeah. So I got out on bail. She was in New Jersey for about a week before she went back to Colorado.

She was from Colorado. And she got all of her stuff to move back to New Jersey. So she got all of her stuff to move back to New Jersey. you know, things were going well. And the very night that she got back to New Jersey after moving all of her things from Colorado, it was just like, fucking switch, got to see her true colors

where she just realized that she was, like she was in control of the situation. And for the year and a half, we were dating before I was on bail, anytime she would, you know, I just wouldn't put up with their bullshit. She was, you know, somewhat immature, but anytime she would start to,

act out, I would just be like, hey, I'm fucking leaving. Like, I'm not, I'm not dealing with this. I'm not going to fight. Not going to go this route. I'm leaving. And then it's just like as soon as she realized that I was trapped, nine o'clock, I couldn't leave. Number one, she knew I wouldn't hit a girl. And then the other thing, too, is she knew that I fucking couldn't because if I fucking hit her and they showed up for domestic violence, I was going right back inside. And when you're dealing with those cases, you have to stay out on bail so that you're not. a position where you're like, fuck, I've been in county for a year. I don't give a fuck about the plea bark and I'll just fucking sign. So when you're doing with the state case, you have to be

prepared for the long-term fight. So me staying on a bail was crucial to me getting the least amount of time as possible. So she knew, she knew that she was 100% fully in control. And that night that she got back from Colorado, that was the first night that she fucking hit me. And it just got worse and worse and worse. I mean, there were times where I thought she was going to kill me. And I remember there was one time she like just let out this like blood curling, just scream. And she goes, I'll kill you before I let you leave me. And she just grabbed me by the ears and she fucking headbutted me as hard as she could. Like she was vicious. I mean, there was times she kicked me as hard as she could in in the head with her shin. I mean, just absolutely vicious. There was a time where

she came out with a fucking kitchen knife, like a giant kitchen knife. And I was on the couch and I instantly got the cushion. And I looked at her and I said, I said, this is serious. You're really starting to freak me out. I was like you're about to take things to a different level. And it was like 3 o'clock in the morning. And she just fucking took off and was gone for like an hour with a giant kitchen knife out in the streets, you know, New Jersey.

And when she calmed down the next day, I told her, I said, I said, you know, I said, you didn't just put my life, you know, in jeopardy last night when you that I said, you put your own life in jeopardy last night. I said, you know, domestic violence situations are the most dangerous situation. Police officers know that they treat it very, very seriously. And you went running through the streets, you know, in the small town of New Jersey at 3 o'clock in the morning with the giant fucking kitchen knife. I was like, you very well could have been shot by the police.

You know, I said there's, you know, there's obviously something going on there. But she didn't have control. My mother was going in for surgery. And during the day, like if we'd start to fight, I would just find a way to get up and leave. Was she just angry at you about everything? Is that why she was like redirecting it? You know, she hated herself, just like I hated myself. And whenever you hate yourself, it's the other person is a source of external validation

and you're looking for their treatment. You know, my treatment was supposed to make her love herself. And it just could never do that. And so it's not really the hate that you have for the person. It's ultimately the hate that you have for herself. And look, like I said, I am not trying to defend her. I was definitely not a perfect little angel. Being in that situation and feeling powerless,

I mean, it definitely did not make me an easy person to deal with. At first, I definitely tried to appease the situation. But then when I realized that there was just no appeasing her, just, you know, maybe just be like, well, fuck it. You know, I'm not going to sit here and even fucking try. Yeah, I was just a fucking, like I said, crazy situation. She, I wouldn't come back to the house because she was acting crazy. and she facetimes me.

And this is in the middle of a fucking winter in New Jersey. It had just snowed. It was cold as shit. And she was in the middle of the fucking ocean telling me that if I didn't come back to the house, she was going to kill herself. And she's just standing here in this frigid, fucking cold water in the middle of fucking winter. And it's just not affecting her.

And she's like, if you don't come back to the house right now, I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to kill myself. And I'm just like, what the fuck? And I remember she had my mother's number. That's next level. Oh, you have no fucking idea. That's when I really, I mean, it was just like slowly see. Jeez.

Just did not fucking affect her at all. Did not affect her. And she's telling me like, I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to kill myself right now. I'm going to fucking, you know. If you didn't come back. If I didn't come back.

Yep. If I didn't come back, she was holding the phone up like this out of the water. It just didn't affect her. And that same day, my mother was going in for surgery. And she has Parkinson. She was going in for like a, you know, pretty dangerous surgery. And she was calling my mom saying, tell him to come back, tell him to come back. No consideration for what my mother was about to go through. Yeah.

And then I remember one of the craziest moments was, and she knew that my mother was a very, very touchy point for me. You know, I hadn't seen my mother in years. And part of the reason why I let them catch me and didn't continue being on the run is because I wanted to see my mom. You know, the last words I said to my father was, you're dead to me. my biggest fear was that my mother passed away before I got to see her. And so this was at the time where I still hadn't seen her in years. And she was going in for like a really, really dangerous surgery because she has Parkinson's. And we were fighting.

And she just looked at me and she goes, I hope your mother dies. And she kept on saying it over and over and over again. And just the way she would say it. And it's just cruel, fucking evil tone. I hope you want to dies. It's just like I mean I was in prison Around some disgusting

Horrible fucking people And I don't even think any of them Would have stooped so low Yeah That's a that's a dark person Yep The last time I saw her How long were you with her?

Were you with her the entire time? I was on bail three and a half years So that whole time you were with her I mean we were breaking up The entire time But that's like where you She would come to New Jersey. It would get to the point where she just knew it wasn't sustainable.

She'd go back to Colorado. She'd come back to New Jersey. It'd go back and forth. And, I mean, she really had fucking problems. Like I said, I'm not trying to defend her, but I do feel sorry for her. The middle of the ocean thing, I think, did it for me. Yeah. But, I mean, afterwards, and maybe it was just manipulation, but afterwards, the way she would cry and just say she was sorry, you know what I mean?

And you could really tell that she was distraught and that she didn't have. That's all. be she wasn't sorry to you she was it was about herself yeah like I said I easily yeah I easily could have been you know what I mean manipulated by that situation for sure I would you know what I mean feel you know I would I would I wouldn't tell her like oh we should still be together I would tell her like come on now like nothing's enough like this clearly you know is not fucking working yeah and then she would go back to Colorado and then she would come back the last six months before I went in we technically weren't together um the last so I got sentenced in February

of 2019. She went back to Colorado September of 2018 after my birthday because of a very bad incident at Nobu where we were in Nobu. I had ran into my happenstance my best friend from fifth and sixth grade when I lived in Wachong. Craziest story how we ran into each other. So he called his fiancee. I called her. We were all on like a double date in Nobu and mind you, he's the same age as me, but he's worth millions. He fucking worked for Goldman Sachs. His fiance has a PhD in mechanical engineering. You know, just unbelievable, successful couple.

Here I am, you know what I mean? About to go back to prison for the second time, drug trafficker. She was a fucking, you know, stripper at the time. So it just, you know, couldn't have been more of a contrast. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember we were in Nobu. And she was just being a bitch the entire night to Nathan and his fiance.

And Nathan's fiance were just so nice. And I finally just looked at her and I was just like, it was at the end of the night and said, why do you have to be such a fucking bitch? And there was three drinks on the table. And she just kind of slowly and very elegantly took the drink, went over here and dumped it on top of my head and took the other one, dumped it on top of my head. And took the other one and dumped it on top of my head. And I'm just like, okay. And you know what's fucking crazy is the next day I called Nathan to apologize to him.

And he tells me, he's like, dude, he's like, I don't know how to tell you this without, you know, sounding fucked up. But I almost want to thank you. He said that was the most entertaining dinner. He said that was the most entertaining dinner. That is hilarious. I've ever been out of my life. But I was like, oh, I was like, you should have seen what happened afterwards. And so we're standing outside of Nobu.

Right. It becomes as like a joke. That's wild. Yeah. It was. It absolutely was. But that didn't, we're standing outside of Nobu. After that, No-moon is, I mean, Nathan and his fiance went, you know, went home.

And we're standing outside of there waiting for an Uber. And I kind of like turn my back to her because we're fighting. And she takes her hand. She cups it like this. And mind you, she grew up on a farm. Drop dead fucking beautiful, but she grew up on a farm or two older brothers. So she's tough as fucking nails. I don't you might look at her and think, oh, wow, she's just too fucking pretty bullshit.

She was fucking tough. So she cups her fucking hand. And as hard as she could. When my head is turned, boom, pops me right on the fucking ear drum. And I've been blindsided by big fucking dudes. I've been hitting the back of my head with the fucking gun numerous times. Never been phased, never been knocked unconscious. I've just got a fucking hard, big head.

I can fucking take it. And the way she did that with my fucking ears, I instantly started seeing black. And I remember there was a street sign right there. And I'm just thinking like, oh, my God, I'm going down. I'm going down. And I grabbed onto the street sign. I'm like trying not to fucking pass out. I just keep on seeing black.

And she sees weakness and just fucking unleashes on me. I mean, absolutely fucking unleashes on me. And people are walking by. I mean, this is downtown New York City. And they're just like, what the fuck? And so I finally like come to and I'm just looking at it. I'm like, you have to calm down. Like this is New York.

You're going to go to jail. Like calm the fuck down. Calm the fuck down. So she finally calmed down. I think she calmed down because she was out of breath. And we actually, excuse me, we were waiting for a taxi. So we got in a taxi and we get into the car and she gets her breath back and we're in the back of the fucking taxi. And she just starts beating this shit out of me again.

Close quarters in the fucking taxi. Punching me as hard as she can. What the fuck? The taxi driver is just like, what the fuck is going on? Like you have to stop. You have to stop. And he pulled over and was like, you got to stop or I'm calling the cops. And I remember I just popped the door and I just fucking took off running down the fucking street.

And, you know, waited 10, 15 minutes, got into a different taxi because we were living right across the river in Jersey. And took a taxi back to the house. And when I get back to the apartment, the doors are fucking barricaded where I can't get in. And she knows that I have to be in by 9 o'clock or else I could get my bail violated. And I'm just like, what the fuck? And I'm sitting there like trying to move the barricade. And I'm like, hey, let me in. Let me in.

And she starts screaming at the top of her lungs, bloody murder. And it's just you're behind a barricaded door. You know I've never hit you. You know you have nothing to be scared of. Now you're just doing this to fucking really fuck with my head. Yeah. Because you know that I'm scared of getting my bail revoked. So to me, that was even worse than the physical abuse.

Now you're doing the psychological abuse of doing the one thing that you know just drives me fucking insane. And that's fucking with my freedom. And so I left. left, went down on the balcony, you know, waited there for about an hour, came back in, tried to get into the house again. She's the same thing with screaming bloody murder, screaming bloody murder. And, you know, like, mind you, like, I'm like not in the house.

Like, she's fucking inside behind the barricade that she's built. And, you know, went down on the balcony. And this time the cops came because I could like see up into the apartment. The cops came. And, you know, of course, nothing happened. So the cops fucking left. But at that point, I was just like, well, fuck it. Like, if I get my bail revoked, to get my bail revoked.

And I went down the street to a hotel that was close. And then came back in the more. morning. And I remember she was sitting on the kitchen floor with her back against the, against the wall crying. And she's just like, I'm going to pack my bags. I'm leaving today. And that was the last time that we, you know, technically lived together. But then when I told her, I said, hey, I said, you know, I'm having sentencing in two days. I'm going to have to turn myself in and go to prison. She flew up there immediately. And, you know, we spent one night, one last night together. And she went with me to the courtroom and I'll never, you know what I mean, forget to look on her face as far as

how much she was crying, you know, when you saw her, like put me in cups and take me away. But yeah, that was the last time we were together. And then how long were you in prison that time? 18 months. Okay. I got out because of fucking COVID because it was my second offense. I got sentenced to seven and a half years. Old times I got sentenced in, you know, seven and a half years.

I should have done about three, three and a half years. but because of COVID, I got parole at my first fucking parole hearing. Wow. It got to go back to California. Yeah. So COVID sucked, but it got me out of prison, you know, 18 months to two years early. Jeez. And then what were the next steps after that?

When you were in prison that time, was it, did you feel like your mindset was different than the first time you were in there? Prison the second time was when I went through my, my dark night of the soul. So when I was on bail, I started a meal prep business. We're the first ketogenic meal prep business in the country, did two million in revenue our first year in business in less than 10 minutes to start in the business. I was sitting in the Goodman and Proctor building in New York City with two attorneys telling me that it was $100 million to a billion dollar idea. And once again, I was so fucking proud of myself. I'm sitting there like, I'm on bail.

It's the first legal business I ever started. I started working on a master's and applied clinical nutrition because my mother had Parkinson's. I really wanted to help her. And this led to this meal prep idea. We had clients who had cancer. They were literally eating our food to stay alive. I remember this one moment where one of the clients called me up and she was on the phone crying. And she was crying because she had just left her oncologist and her oncologist told her that she was in remission. And he said, I absolutely believe it's because you were eating these meals and you're in a ketogenic state. So here was a woman calling to share this moment, you know what I mean? That she gets to live because she was eating our food. So I was just so happy.

happy and just so proud of myself. We were actually selected to be, to provide the food for what is now a very, very famous ketogenic study by a famous ketogenic doctor. And when they found out about the case, the doctor called me up and said, look, I personally don't care. He said, I think it's fucking amazing. You know what I mean? What you're doing? But I just can't get the funding to hire you as the meal prep company because of your record. When the law firm found out about the case, same thing. You know what I mean? They fucking dropped me. So once again, it was just this heart heartbreaking, you know, just experience of feeling like I was doing everything that I needed to do where I was like, okay, I got caught. I'm on bail. I'm going to make, you know, the best of it. I'm going to work on a master's in applied con nutrition. I started my first fucking legal business. And then once again, boom, door shut, door shut, door shut. And I was upset. I was upset at the time. But if that meal prep business would have taken off and I would have had a source of money, the full extent of the bandades would have never gotten ripped off when I went to prison. And so when I went to prison the second time, I was laid fucking bare.

I experienced total annihilation. That's what they call it when they talk about the dark night of the soul experience. Everything was fucking gone. The drug money, the legal business, you know what I mean? What I think was fucking the love of my life, just all fucking gone. You were love with nothing. Gone. Curled up fetal position, paralyzed, can't fucking move.

And I don't know what I believe about God per se. I frankly like human condition is one of uncertainty. I don't, you know, it is what it is. But when they say that you go through total annihilation and you come in contact with the creator and you come in contact with God, what I have come to understand about that experience is that it's when you take full responsibility for your existence and you take an active role in your identity and in your creation. And what I mean by that is that my entire life, I was looking for all of the external

sources. I was trying to change my external environment so that I would have the external signals that would impact me and make me feel good. And I was successful at that. I made millions of dollars doing it. And I affected my environment. I had, you know, everything, I was able to control my environment where everything that I told myself I needed so that I could love myself and respect myself I had. And yet nothing fucking changed. And so that's when I realized going to that Dark Night of the Soul experience, like the reason why I was on the run, the reason why I didn't just turn myself in is because I was running from the reality of myself. And the reality of yourself is all the lies and all the bullshit that you've built up. And it was just a change in paradigm that I realized

that I was looking for all these external reasons to love myself. And I was completely and totally ignoring just the simple choice to love myself first. And that's when you come in contact with the creator, God, whatever you want to call it, because you have to become that uncaused cause. you have to become that unmoved moved. There might not be a reason to love yourself. There might not be a justification to love yourself. There might not be a cause to love yourself. But you can still choose to love yourself.

And when you choose to love yourself, you reject the negative influence that's coming from the world, which is a reciprocal cycle. If you're accepting that negative influence, you put negative energy out, the negative energy out that you put into the world, it's a mirror. It bounces back. And so that's the cycle. And when you have that moment of creation, when you have that moment of creation, when you're you accept responsibility and decide to take an active role in your existence, you reject that negative energy and you say, I choose to love myself. And when you choose to love yourself, you put that positive energy out into the world. And that's what gets you that positive energy back. And I think

to me, that's the most important thing that people don't realize is that everything on the outside world is a contributing factor. What's going on in the inside is ultimately the determining factor. But in order for you to realize that you have to first accept that it comes down to a cause. And to say that we have free will is to say that it's, you know, is that it's absent of influence. And I don't know if I believe in free will. I think it's a, you know, debatable topic. But I think in that moment, you say my choice, my will is going to be absent of all external influence. And I alone am going to decide my worth and my value. And I alone am going to decide to love myself. And you start putting that positive energy out into the world.

And then the identity that you create after, that's really your identity. You've created it. There's so many people out there that their identities have not come from themselves. It has not come from their own act of self-creation. And like I said, people ask me if I have any regrets. Obviously, like I said, I do with the negative impact

that my actions have had in other people. And even to sit there and say, wow, I was on bail, I had an idea that people were telling me it was $100 million to a billion idea and I fucking lost it because of my record. I still wouldn't go back and change it because that dark night of the soul experience and understanding the process of self-creation is the most powerful moment you can have in life. And that is the one thing that I wouldn't trade for the world. I agree with you.

And I think that, I mean, they say all the time, you know, just in other words, basically, that sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to realize every important thing that you need to know about yourself, about your environment around you. My question for you is that experience that you had, was that, is that like a one night type of thing? Or was it? No. So I'm actually glad you asked that. So I'm writing a book right now called Build Mental Muscle. And the concept is people do not treat mental fitness like they do physical fitness.

If you need to lose weight, if you need to build a certain amount of muscle, you know that you have to have a plan. You know that you have to, you know, do certain exercises every day, watch what you eat on and on and on. And you also know that you're not going to walk into the gym and bench press 315 pounds overnight, that it's going to be a slow and steady progression. And you're okay with that. Well, it's the same with mental muscle and mental fitness. You are not, even if you read an unbelievable book that you just identify with and have this. you know, like epiphany, you're still not going to change overnight. And for the longest time, I would beat myself up.

I would read these books. I would think, oh, my God, my life is going to change as a result. And maybe it was good for a day. Maybe it was good for two days. And then boom, you're right back to your old habits. And so I would start to think like, well, fuck, there just has to be something wrong with me. But if you look at neuroplasticity in what it takes to retrain the mind and develop these new neural pathways, it's the exact same as with physical fitness.

So I think that that's the realization that people need to have so that they don't beat themselves up just as you're going to see, you know, slow and steady wins the race with physical fitness. It's the same thing with mental fitness. But in the exact same manner as with physical fitness, the question is like, okay, if you have trauma, what specific exercises are you doing to work on your trauma? And are you working on trauma on Tuesdays? Are you working on, you know, motivation on Mondays? Are you working on, you know, self-esteem on Wednesdays? It's kind of like how you're going to the gym and you say, okay, I'm going to work out my chest on Monday. legs on Tuesday, whatever it is. It's the same thing. You have to know your, yeah, you have to know your issues.

You have to step on that mental scale, know how much mental fat you have, know, the lack of mental muscle that you have and say, okay, here's more I'm lacking. This is all the baggage, all the bullshit that I need to lose. And here's the muscle that I need to gain. And I even need to track my mental calories. If you're watching Netflix, guess what? That's mental sugar. If you're sitting down and you're reading a book about self-help, that's mental protein. But in the same manner with physical fitness, if you just eat protein and you don't exercise, that protein doesn't turn into muscle. So if you're reading this book about self-help, that's great.

That's the protein. But if you want to turn that into mental muscle, what is the exercise you're doing to take that information so that it's actually transformed into that mental muscle? I love that. So. And it's interesting because it takes like, it takes a, person in my opinion that is willing to make the change and break that habit of their old self to really understand that. Of course. Well, the other thing too is I think you just have to be realistic.

I think a lot of people expect it to happen in an instant. Yeah. Or that it'll just come to them. Which if you practice, I think, if you're aware and you're practicing gratitude and abundance and this, that and the other and you are following through, like we were saying before, like your universe is a reflection of you, all that good stuff. But at the same thing, time, I think people expect to stay stuck in the same place that they've been and not make these changes within themselves. And they, you know, they expect all these new and good things to come without actually changing who they are. The work, yeah. Like people say you want the money, but you're not willing to put in the work. It's the same thing with mental health, physical, whatever it is.

Yeah. And no matter what it is in life, you have to be willing to put in the work. Even if that's changing your mindset. Yep. So that whole time that you were in prison, that second time, at what point did that mindset shift for you? I mean, it really started early on in the beginning. Yeah. Like by the time that you got out, do you think that you were just ready to be this new version of yourself or did it take more time? I mean, I definitely was ready to be the new version of, I definitely was ready to be the new version of myself. And I was holding myself accountable.

But I also knew how deep the wounds were. and all the work that needed to be done. I mean, also, you know, from the trauma that I went through as a kid, from feeling like I had my identity taken, to go into prison at 22, to being on the run. I mean, that case, I was on the run for three years, was on bail for three and a half years, went to prison for 18 months,

and it was on parole. All in all, that case took 12 years of my life. So that was 12 years of my life. I was in prison for five and a half years, plus I was on supervised release for a year and a half. So that's seven years of my life. So that's 19 years of my life. This all started when I was 22 years old.

You know what I mean? So it's just like that kind of mindset and that kind of trauma, you're not going to work through that overnight. And so I've made a conscious effort since my relief to continue to work through that. I've known that I've wanted to step in the spotlight and start telling my story 100% for my own personal healing, but also for the healing of others and to have that. symbiotic relationship where you're telling your story to help others heal but helping others heal is also helping you heal at the same time and i wouldn't step into the spotlight until i trusted myself to where i knew that that would be the reason why i was telling my story i didn't want to step into the spotlight and tell my story only to seek external sources of validation

because that's been the entire pattern of life and i you know and like i said like i'm not not trying to brag, but I tell people my story and they're like, oh my God, it should be a fucking movie. You should, you know, be a motivational speaker, et cetera, et cetera. And I, and I got all of that. But I knew that there was still some of that needed to be broken down. Yeah, broken down. And like I said, like I didn't, I didn't want to start telling my story until I, you know, I trusted myself. And that's both for my sake, but then also for the sake of other people. If I'm telling my story solely for egotistical reasons because I want that external validation, it's not going to help other people heal.

It's only going to help other people heal if I'm telling my story because that is my intention. So how long have you been telling your story for now? Last year, since it was either June or July, that was the first podcast that I went on. And it's crazy because when I walked out of there, I had this nervous pit in my stomach and I knew my life had changed. And since then, everything that's just started a change and just started to steamroll. It's been very, very encouraging. encouraging. I know that this is, I know that this is where I want to be. I know, I almost feel like time moves backwards and every last one of us got to start out at the end of our lives and say,

okay, what's the person that you want to become? Think about it. You know what I mean? Like, how are you going to be the hero of your own journey, the hero of your own movie? What does that character look like? Yeah. And you got to make that the decision at the end of your life. And because you made that decision of the end of your life, this is where you started and this is where your journey is. And I know it sounds crazy, but when you start to get down to the quantum level, time doesn't exist at the quantum level. And at the quantum level, you've read Joe Dispenza. You know, the whole thing about there's a book, it's called The Quantum Enigma of Physics Encounters Consciousness to where you as a conscious observer can have an effect on physical

reality. Do you understand? Like Schroding's are, I can never say it right, Schrodinger's cat is an example of showing how there's a problem with time at a quantum level. So I really, and like I said, I know it, you know, sounds like crazy, hocus pocus shit that there's no ultimate, ultimate proof for it. Some people might think that. No, I know. It's just like, I really wonder like, Jesus, like, do we get to, do we get to start at the end of our lives? It's a, you know, I think in simpler terms, it's a full circle moment, but I think that it's so interesting. It's like so hard to put into words because at the end of the day, I believe and think that everyone, whether you want to call it religion, spirituality, whatever, everyone's

thought, not everyone, you know, because there are all of these different aspects and beliefs. They do have different points and different things within it. But I feel like in the grand scheme of things, like when I read different self-help books, different, you see these different interviews, some about religion, some about spirituality. At the end of the day, I feel like they're all saying the same thing in a different way. 100%. And it's just like, you know, I think what you said even earlier, it makes a good point. You should just be a good person to be a good person for other people, for yourself.

And while, yes, that does take a lot of learning and it takes you being the worst version of yourself sometimes to get to the best version. That's just part of life. you know, as humans, we have a lot of negative characteristics at times. I don't think anybody's born perfect. I don't think we're ever perfect at any point of our lives, no matter how great we become. But I think if you can get to a point where you just recognize, you know, yourself and you realize that the best version of you is going to be a constant process, it's every day you have to show up for yourself.

Every day you have to be willing to be that person again and work on yourself. And, you know, it's okay to have those days too where you still get pissed off or you still, that ego might creep back in because at the end of the day, we are human and we aren't perfect. But I think it's about being able to return to that state of just being this better, best version of yourself, whatever that means to you, you know, and that could go whatever people believe, whatever. But like, I agree more so with what you're saying. obviously. But it's really, really interesting, the whole process of it. And so now, is that where

you are? Now you're at this place kind of of just kind of speaking out about your story. And then I know you said you're in the process of writing a book, right? And then creating your own podcast, right? Yeah, I don't want to call it a podcast. But I mean, it is in a podcast studio. We're calling it the Build Mental Muscle Show is what we're doing. And it's all about empowering information. Okay. So I don't, and I don't feel that this podcast is one of it all. I think that you have people tell their story in a manner to where it provides the viewer with empowering information. So that's what we're going for also.

I just don't want to have a podcast that's only about prison stories and only about. Right, you want to have that variety. Yeah. And so we're doing a new format to where we're really trying to visually tell the story so that people can connect with the viewers and, you know, humanize them as much as possible, see them. themselves in their shoes as much as possible so that when we then get to the questions of empowering information, what they're saying has more value. Because if you can see yourself in someone's shoes and then you're more willing to take their advice.

But if you can't relate to them, if you can't see themselves in their shoes, then it's just you're not going to be as willing to really take their advice. So we're trying to have this format to where, you know, like you're like, you know, we're all insane. It's to no matter what the guest is, it's you can see. yourself in the situation that that person is in so that you can listen to the advice and the empowering information that they have. And I tell people all the time, you know, like somebody might see, you know, the title of this episode or hear the grand scheme of your story, but there's

so many bits and pieces within everyone's story that someone can relate to, even if the overall story is so different. Well, that's why I love, that's why I love your podcast and why, you know, there's a lot of people on your podcast, a woman who's from a different generation. And I just think, well, the fuck, you know, she can't tell me anything about my life. I'm a, you know, 45-year-old man. And you listen to their story. And you're just like, oh, fuck. I get that.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And that's the beauty of it. And that's what I tell people all the time. And I agree with you. I think that we need more shows and podcasts and whatever you want to call it, where people, you just see this authentic real side of just your average everyday people. I say all the time, there's so many shows, and even when it comes to documentaries where they glamorize these big stories or, you know, they only focus on the shocking parts of it. And then there's also these podcasts and shows just about celebrities.

And while all this provides entertainment for the right person, the right crowd, that's great. You know, if it works for you, amazing. But I don't think that there's enough of anything where it's just someone being able to authentically, share what's been going on in their lives, the good, the bad, everything in between, and have it be something that people can relate to and want to listen to all the way through. Yeah. You know, because no one's life is one or the other. I think it's a little bit of everything and I think it's the beauty of life.

So the more things there are like that where you're able and willing to visualize somebody's life in their story and bring light to that, I think that's a beautiful thing. Well, I think you're getting at specifically what my intention is. So the intention of Hollywood is to romanticize and glamorize, and they're doing it solely for entertainment purposes. Yeah. They just want to entertain you. They don't want to empower you. They want to grab your attention.

Yeah. And that's why Hollywood is very, very egotistical. And I said I will not step into the spotlight if it's only about ego. Ego is self-serving. Ego is only one way. when you're telling a story in an authentic way, when your platform has authenticity, you're doing that for the right reasons. And you're doing that because it is about you and that's fine. But there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel good about empowering people.

There's only something wrong if you want to feel good that comes at the expense of other people. So when I see your channel, I don't see the egotistical part. I don't see the romance. There's no romanticizing things. There's no glamorizing thing. It's just giving people. honest platform to come in and authentically tell their story because it's all it's ultimately all about the viewer and the viewer being able to be empowered because if you see a name like this we're all

insane it's people that are going to have traumatizing stories that are on these channels trying to find information that can actually help them so if it's just done for the point of getting views and you know glamorizing something that it's not it's just about entertainment it's not going to be able to help them. Yeah, and that's why I say too, you know, kind of like what I was telling you before we got started, I personally, I had the opportunity to have, you know, a smaller platform that was all about me, you know, and I think at a certain time in my life, that worked and that fed my ego in a way. And then I made the shift of like, no, I want to give it to people. I'm sick of it being on, you know, on me. You know, at the end of the day, I know that I sit

here as the host and people like the interaction between me and my guests. But at the same time, they're not listening or watching for me. And I am more than okay with that. You know, I already kind of had that. I did that for a little bit. And I don't want it to be about me. Like, I want to be able to give something that I built, even if it started at a smaller level.

Like, I want to be able to give something that I built and that I kind of had that foundation and just give it to people that could use something and make it good. Yep. Because I think that a lot of things on social media are solely based around the ego and your presentation and how you look and what you do.

do and how much you make and all of that stuff. And once again, if it works for you, great, you know, but I think that if you're able to take something and just give it so much power and meaning and like we were saying, just have it be something authentic that can help people and give people a voice that typically wouldn't have a voice or wouldn't even feel like they'd want to have a voice until they see other people. It's inspiring. I always say it's like a domino effect. Yeah. And at the end of the day, no one watches the show because of what I have to say. And that's honestly why I don't like to approach my show in an interview-based format. I want it to be where I'm sitting here like an audience member would be so that I can just let

people talk. And every now and then I'll pitch in and clarify and ask questions and react because I'm sure people are reacting to when they hear different parts of people's stories. But I don't care to have a voice in this setting. I want other people to have a voice. It's pretty remarkable on your part. I mean, from your generation. and especially considering you, because if you wanted to, you could have all of that.

You could pack your bags and move to Miami right now and be a top influence. No, I know. Think about how many. To me, it's cringy, though. Like, I'll. That's what's so remarkable about you is that you think it's cringy. There's so many people in your generation that they don't take it's cringy. I have seen every now and then I'll kind of stumble across a page that's a little similar to mine.

And it's newer. So I like, and in my opinion, this might be my ego. I'm kind of like, hmm, did they? get that idea for me, but then I'll start watching it, right? And I see these little, like, these little qualities where to me it's like, I mean, you see. Like, it's, I keep it very minimal. And while, yes, I could have multiple cameras and camera angles and this, and the other, to me, I'm like, it's not about that. Like, there's so many shows where it's like, when the person's talking, it's on their face only. And then it's back to me and it's back to the end. It's like,

to me, at least right now, it's like, all I need is my one camera, my lighting. I do my audio and I, it's fine. It works. Don't fix what's not broken. But I'll click into some of these other channels and you can still tell that in my opinion, like the host still wants to make sure their points are getting across. And they still, they still just need a pitch in. And I'm like, no one cares. No one needs your intro. That's another reason I don't have an intro. No one gives a shit. Like, sorry, but they don't. And I'm totally okay with that. Well, you're doing something right. Look at the amount of followers you have. I think it's though because like it's just, it's so simple.

Like if you really look at it, it's like the whole process. It just jumps right in and people just talk and then you leave. You know what's also remarkable about your engagement is that if you look at the amount of viewers that you have in the amount of engagement you have, that engagement actually comes from channels that will have four or five times as many followers as you. So it really says that the followers you have are very, very, very. very loyal, which I think speaks loads about what you're doing with this podcast. Because I remember looking at it when I first discovered it was looking at the engagement. I was just thinking like, wow, this channel's amazing. Like I was almost wondering like, holy shit, is this engagement even real?

And there's ways of looking at it. And I looked at it. I was like, shit, this engagement is real. So to see the type of engagement and views that you have typically comes from, like I said, channels that have four and five times as many viewers, it's because there's no glitz. There's no glam. there's nothing. So if people are looking at it, it's just the value, like the intrinsic value of it. And it's really resonating with your- Because none of the other stuff is relatable to the average person.

They can't get with that. It's not relatable. It's not something that resonates with people. They don't want to sit there and listen there. And even if you do add it in there, it's like fast-forward, fast-forward. Like they just skip right through. And it's, that's why I'm like, you know, keep it as it is. Keep it simple. And I really try to welcome anyone and everyone on because I don't think there's any story that's too big, too small. You know, obviously I do have some stories on here. Even yours is an example. You know, it's it has that shock value. It makes people want to click and hear more.

And then I have some stories that it's like, for the one that just comes to mind usually is like the girl that, you know, was an alcoholic. And that's something that's so, it's not this jaw dropping, shocking title. but at the same time, such a large handful of people can directly relate to it, whether it's something that they've been struggling with or their parents have or their siblings have or their friend has. And it's something I always say, you know, I feel like the beauty of the internet and of this channel is that if you're going through something, the ease that you have to just at your fingertips, type in what you're going through and then you can just click on someone's video that is just talking about their story and you can hear it firsthand.

And I just think that that's so helpful to so many people. It makes them feel heard and understood so much more than sometimes even therapy. And I think therapy is amazing. I think everybody should be in therapy if you find the right therapist. But that being said, there's a lot of circumstances where therapy is extremely transactional. And you don't feel heard. You don't feel understood. You don't want to tell your story from beginning to end a million times until you find the right person.

So just being able to like sit in the comfort of your own home and listen to someone that's been through similar things as you is a different type of, I don't know if the word is healing, but just understand comfort. It's healing. It absolutely is. Sometimes you need to talk and sometimes you need to listen. Yeah. And it's just very comforting.

That's another thing the show has taught me to shut up. Yeah. Which is a lot of people should learn just shut up. Yeah. You know? Sometimes you need to listen. Just listen because not everything you say is important. You know?

And in this situation, for the guest, it's like their time to talk it out. Yeah. But for me, it's really taught me, like, to just listen. And that's the thing. I didn't always have that quality. That's something that I think is genuinely learned. Yeah. Well, I mean, like the guest you just had on here, Seth, I've learned so much from just listening to his story.

And it's incredible. Yeah, my best friend, she was like, I had to listen to his in pieces because like all at once, it's a lot. You know, and she was like, it is amazing that he turned out the way that he did. Well, it's, yeah, because it's crazy because most people in his situation, they turn out to be molest. themselves. Yep. And the fact that he had that moment and said, no, I will not let the external world impact me. I will be in control. What I say is you make that choice and you stop being creation and you start being a creator. So it's just remarkable. You're breaking the cycle. That's fucking traumatic. And it is hard. And that's the thing. It's like for a lot of people,

they don't have the tools to break the cycle themselves because those were the cards they were doubt and you can only have sympathy for those kind of people. I feel like at that point you can't even blame them. Because what else do they know? But I do believe that it takes a certain kind of strength and self-awareness to be able to just break that and totally become your own person outside of what you've been through, not let it, you know, shape you or identify you, but kind of just guide you into this better version of yourself and to empower people and teach people. And that's what you guys are all doing by coming on here and by even having your own things writing books to tell everybody that comes on here. If you haven't written a book, you should. I think it's an

amazing thing to do. People love it. It's incredible. It's incredible. It's unbelievable healing. I'm so excited to see what you do with everything. Of course. It has been a privilege, honestly, to be here. So thank you so much for having me.