We're All Insane - Drug Trial Ruined My Life

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

Angela dives into her unsettling story of a drug trial that took an unexpected and devastating turn. Join us as we unravel the shocking side effects, the human impact, and the critical questions surrounding the events that transpired within her life after being a part of this drug trial. If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me DeVora. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. My name is Angela. I'm 31 years old. I'm originally from New Jersey, but I moved to Florida about nine years ago and I was on a trial drug that failed for me and from what I've also read quite a few other people. I need to unfortunately start from the very beginning

which is when I was younger because it all kind of adds up and is the reason why the trial drug failed. When I was younger, my biological father, abused both my mom and I physically, emotionally, mentally. And when he separated from my mom, you would think things would get better. But of course, it was hard because I lost my dad, didn't understand why. I was like four.

Yeah. I got very angry because I was only shown anger when there was difficult things going on in my dad's life. He was a repo man at one point in Camden and was literally brought. ringing me with him at like three, four years old. So I had experienced some really off the wall stuff and I remember all of that. So when I was struggling with my emotions, I literally just showed it via anger and like I remember the first time I really had a bad issue. I was in the first grade and you would think first grade you're like what six, seven. I was so frustrated at the teacher.

I literally picked up the desk and threw it at her. Like, just because I couldn't communicate, like, what I was going through. Got better. Like, I got, my mom took me to get testing, see what was up. If I had OCD, ADD, ADHD. The only thing they found was that my IQ was a little bit higher than normal. And they were like, she's probably bored. But when it came to my dad not being in the picture, I had had had.

my stepdad come in. And that really helped, I'll think a lot more than I give credit for, but I still had that. You're not my dad attitude, unfortunately. Didn't appreciate him. I think it's confusing too when you're that young. It's like, and especially when you had that kind of like anger built up in child, I feel like that's a normal reaction. Yeah. And it's, it's a shame because all he did was accept me and all I did was just show anger. But it wasn't, It wasn't at him. I was more angry at my biological dad for leaving because, again, you don't understand why. I mean, I knew he wasn't a good person and I knew he did bad things to my mom and I, but in

the end he's still your dad. And I was surrounded by people like friends who had both of their parents and their lives, and I wanted that so bad. But when it got better, I didn't need to be on medications or anything when I was younger. But then, unfortunately, when I was a teenager, I was in abusive relationships. I was taken advantage of some in some situations. And I actually ended up being Bakeracted when I was in high school. I had just gotten so angry.

I was bottling everything up. I wasn't telling anybody about the abuse. And then basically when I couldn't take it anymore, I would just lose it. And my mom and I would fight. and unfortunately get violent with each other. I think it was more because she's safe to me. She's my mom. We've literally been best friends my entire life,

and I treat her, she was treated more like a sister than a mom. I think that's probably why I felt comfortable beating up on her, which is a really crappy way of putting it, but that's exactly what it was. It was very violent, very toxic, screaming, yelling. But again, I didn't. didn't have the right coping mechanisms. I just was showing the product of what I was given as a child.

And it wasn't necessarily from her, but, you know, she did give it back when I was giving it to her because, you know, I was not being nice. But unfortunately, I was self-harming. I was doing just horrible things. I was sneaking out, you know, stealing cars, doing not so good things. But like when my mom would try and help me literally she would just pin me down and I would just bash my head into the concrete floor because I just didn't care. I was just so hurt and so like I would say probably just exhausted emotionally mentally physically even and I just didn't care. And I didn't again didn't have the right coping mechanism.

So my first time being big reacted was I think it was a sophomore in high school. explains me what that is? So it's like a 5150, so it's involuntary. Okay. Basically, I had been, my parents had called the police an ambulance on me so many times to get me help because they just literally didn't know what to do that the state stepped in and the state was like, there's something going on here. She really needs more help because like I would go, the ambulance would come, they would take

me, I'd be evaluated, I'd be there for like sometimes just 12 to 24 hours. they would send me home with a counselor that came to the house or whatever. Like DCF came to the house as well. And they just didn't understand like why is she having problems? Why is she? I was just constantly outbursting and in any way, shape or form. And unfortunately, I had a little sister that was in the house. We're 12 and a half years difference, so she's younger.

and they wanted just to make sure that whatever was going on with me also wasn't going on with her, which thank God it wasn't. And for some reason or another, I don't know if it was subconscious or what, but I definitely chose to not bring that around her. Even though I was going through it, like I would be downstairs and she would be upstairs and it would be like my mom or she wouldn't even be in the house. I would try to make sure she wasn't in the house. But obviously when you're going through mental stuff, you really can't help.

what's who's around. Yeah. I do know that she had to be taken away from the house a couple of times by my aunt just because the police had to be called and they need to remove her. And, but it was all, again, it was all me and just the way I was handling things. I was rejecting medication because in my mind that was, oh, I'm crazy. I had to take medication. That means there's something wrong with me. That means I'm crazy. It was just that. It was just that, I feel like that typical stigma you have. And when you're a teenager, I was like 16, I was like, no, there's no way.

You can't tell me what to do, you know? So the involuntary hospitalization happened. Actually, it was around this time. It was through Thanksgiving. I was actually, it was my first time. And how old were you? 16. Okay.

And it was so hard. So it was the first time I'd ever been away from my family during. a holiday and they couldn't even come visit me that day because like visitation was like specific days right and i was in pennsylvania and my parents live in new jersey and i think it was like in 45-minute drive so even just getting to me was a hard time for them but um i remember like that was the first time i felt like a guinea pig in the medical sense where it was oh we think this might be what's wrong with you so we're just going to put you on some medication and hope that that's what works.

And I think that whole process is like trial and error. And scarily enough, the first medication they put me on was Abilify and I had tremors and I was shaking so bad I couldn't even eat because I literally just every time I tried getting a spork or spoon to my mouth, the food would be off of it by the time it gets my face. So what did they originally like say that they thought or diagnose you it? So they thought I was bipolar. I was undiagnosed as bipolar for years. I think I was and just they were just trying to.

Mantic depressive is the main one. I would have real high highs and real low lows, which is why I would self harm. But those high highs, I mean, I literally would be on cloud nine. Nothing could stop me. But I had that invincible mindset. And that's not healthy. Because then that's what I was doing.

really stupid things, sneaking out of the house, stealing cars, doing nonsense. But I definitely just anger just was just so, they said that because I was basically hiding it from my family, I was hiding it from everybody. I was being controlled and manipulated and also gaslighted into being like, oh, well, that's not really happening. Like, you just think that's what's happening. It's really not that bad. And so I was then translating it to the doctors of, oh, well, it's not that bad because.

But in the end, like, in reality, I was being told, oh, you're not pretty, you're too skinny, your eyes are too big, your eyes are too brown, your, you know, whatever, your smiles messed up. And, oh, you don't have breasts. Like, just anything that people could bully me about, I was being bullied and ridiculed on. and so I just had no self-esteem, and the self-harming was a big factor because I was self-harming and more than just cutting. I had swallowed a thumb tack just to prove a point. Like, I was just super reckless, just didn't care. I took an entire bottle of Tylenol. Crazy enough, I have a diagnosed blood condition, and that's probably the only thing that saved my life was because I have a condition that my blood doesn't know when to stop clotting.

So I have thick blood all the time. So literally when I took all that Tylenol, it probably really thinned my system out, but I probably needed it anyway. So I was okay. And but like I said, I was bashing my head against the floor. I was fighting my mom who was a larger person than I am. And, you know, it would get really physical and I would get hurt or she would get hurt. And so it was just, it was, I was just unsafe to be around my life. little sister who was if I was 16 she was three four so it's it was really hard but

definitely necessary I did get put on medications I had to see psychiatrist I started seeing a therapist and surprisingly enough about a year went by and they were like no you're okay you're doing much better and they actually took me off the medication yeah but they diagnosed you with being bipolar no so they were they said it was um not bipolar but um i can't even remember the name of it it was it's like it's like the step below bipolar it's it's not it was like unclassified i can't remember what it's called but essentially i was bipolar i just don't think they wanted to tell me because i think i was in such like denial about everything that they didn't like want to make things worse in

my head. So they put you on medicines and then when they felt like you were doing better, yeah, yeah. They're like, oh, you're okay. Because they thought that I had gotten, or they felt I had gotten to a point where I was no longer in the abusive relationship. I had grown. I had, you know, moved on and I was in therapy. Yeah, I was in therapy. Granted, I wasn't like much better, but I was better than what I was. And I got off the medications. I thought I was doing great. I would say I was dating older guys, but like that was just, I didn't really like people my age. So like, I guess that's where kind of my little bit of recklessness started to come in. But then when I was 19, I started dating somebody who was much older than me. And unfortunately,

he was a narcissist, abusive, and very controlling. And so it kind of put me back into that bad headspace. I didn't end up having like a relapse of needing like major psychiatric help, but I definitely was being gaslit. I definitely was having a lot of self-confidence issues. I was self-harming off and on. But he ran a car business. I'm super into cars. And so I was helping. But he was lying to me where he was when I was away. doing my firefighting and EMT job and wasn't with him. He was doing drugs, selling drugs away at strip clubs, doing all this stuff. But then would lie to me and be like, oh, no, no, that's not happening.

Oh, they're just lying. That's just a rumor. They just are trying to stir up drama. And it put me, again, it would just kind of make my self-esteem go worse and worse. And I would always question myself. And then in 2015, I went into the hospital and I had extreme side pain on my right side. Now, normally that's a huge red flag for potential appendicitis. And for some reason, I couldn't get a hold of him that day or that morning.

And I went to work, I was throwing up, I was sick, I just was in dying pain. but I couldn't get a hold of him. And in my mind, he was dead, in jail, something was wrong, something was wrong. I didn't even want to take care of myself because I was so concerned with him. And by the time I couldn't take it anymore, I had to go to the hospital. My mom came and I was like, please, can you just call him? And she was like, fine, okay, I'll call him. Well, yeah, he decided that he wanted to end things.

Now, we were engaged, so he was like, no, breaking off the engagement. I want the engagement ring back. But I'm already in the hospital. And I was just like out of nowhere, random. Just completely out of the blue. Now, I guess I forgot to say this. When I was in high school, when I was a freshman, so 15 or 14, 14, 15, no, I was 15. It was the end of 2007.

I had an ovarian cyst rupture on my right side, and I needed to have a left one drained. Again, random out of the blue. I actually was on my winter break in Vermont when this happened and needed emergency surgery. So I kind of thought it was something like that again where it was just a ruptured cysts. And I'm in the hospital and I'm telling them like, this is what's going on. And in the process, you know, of nurses coming in and out, they overheard that I had, you know, been broken up. with. Well, the doctors then were like, oh, that's what's wrong. She's doing this because she's seeking attention because she's hurting because her ex just broke up with her. Not because I'm in serious pain. But my mom was like, no, this happened after she was already here. Like, you can't say that.

And they're like, oh, they didn't want to take me seriously. But I literally was in the hospital for nine days. I did everything from CT scans. I did. They gave, I called this death drink. It literally, it was, I can't even, like it, if, I was a firefighter and EMT, if death smell was in a liquid form, it was this drink. And what it was was, it was to clear my system out. It was supposed to get rid of everything stuck to the inside of my intestines and my bowels and just get it out and whatever. And it was, and that was supposedly what was going to fix my problem, because they were like, oh, your appendix is fine, your ovaries are fine, you're fine. And so drank this juice, didn't help, and eventually they're just like, we need to send you home. And I'm like, well,

what about my side pain? And they're like, well, you know, you can follow up with a GI doctor and your OBGYN. And I'm like, of course, you're going to blame it on the female problems, even though you've looked and you can't see any female problems. So I would go home and at that point I was over, you know, the abusive relationship. I actually kind of saw it as like a little bit of like a get out of jail free card. And I had three job offers. I had one in Florida, one in Texas and one in Arizona. And I had to wait a little bit and I got cleared.

probably about three weeks after I got out of the hospital, and I moved to Florida. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast. Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week, we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we.

Listen to True Crime News available now wherever you get your podcast. Did they ever figure out what the problem was? So when I was moving to Florida, that was my goal was I needed to find a doctor that was willing to hear me. Because you still had the pain? Yeah. Because it was constant. It would come in, like it would get worse in waves, but it would die down, but it would die down to like a seven. Like it would never go below like that.

It was just always there. To the point where like when I would sleep, I would literally. really sleep with my elbow, like into my side, like on my side, just to apply pressure, just to, like, relieve it a little bit. But it was unbearable. So go to Florida, figuring they have really good doctors down there. And I moved down there for a job, you know, so I just, I had nothing else to lose. Find this doctor. Doctors like, okay, no problem. Let's operate. We go in, and all she finds is scar tissue. But a lot of, lot of scar tissue and she knocks it down and she was like you know I couldn't find anything except for

this but you know that should help knocking down the scar tissue should help you know we should keep following up whatever um it kind of helped but I would say within six to eight months it was back to being super intense did she think the scar tissue was from that other so yeah so she's she didn't She didn't know why I had so much scar tissue because it's typical for you to get scar tissue after surgery, but she said it was a lot. They call them adhesions. And so by the next year in October, I had another cyst rupture. And when unfortunately, the doctors again didn't believe me.

I spent five days going to hospitals and doctors literally telling me that I was fine. oh, you're just having female-related issues, you're fine. So I think, like, I was at work Monday evening. I felt the cyst rupture. I knew. I was like, this is different than my normal side pain. This is probably what this is. I literally texted my boyfriend at the time, or my ex-husband now.

And I was like, hey, had a sister rupture, just letting you know if it's still really bad in the morning. I need to go to the hospital. And he was like, okay, woke up really bad. go to the hospital. They look, they can see fluid around my ovary, and they're like, okay, yeah, that's what happened. Unfortunately, we can't do anything. You don't need surgery for that.

You're okay. They send me home. So how does that usually go away? Like, they think it'll just go away on its own? So, yeah. So basically, once it's already ruptured, your body will just absorb. Okay. But it's painful.

Oh, it's so, it's the worst. It literally just feels like there's like a hot knife. like just in that area. And, and like nothing relieves it, of course. Yeah. And so I, they're like, oh, go follow up through OB. But what they're doing during this is they're literally pushing on that spot while they're doing the ultrasound.

Like, so it's causing even more pain. And like, so I literally was like getting sick from it. Like they're just like, we're making my pain so much more worse. Yeah. And then so the next day, I go to my OB. My OV was like, no, that's a lot of fluid. I'm pretty convinced it's your appendix. I want to do some testing.

I'll call you and see if you need to go to the hospital. I'm like, okay. Yeah, he ends up sending me to the hospital, but I go to a different hospital because it's the one that's literally right next door to his office. Like, I don't even think I made it out of the parking lot when he was like, no, no, you need to go. So we go to the hospital again, I'm there for. 12 hours and they're like, yeah, no, you're fine. It's not your appendix. Just go home. So that was like Wednesday, I think I finally went home. So Thursday, I was home all day,

sick, could barely get out of bed. And again, I'm just, all these doctors are telling me I'm fine, like, has to be in my head, has to be a me problem. And Friday comes and my ex-husband was like, you, you don't look okay. He's like, you're white as a ghost. Like, are you sure you're okay? And I'm like, yeah, I'm just going to take a shower. If you don't hear from me in like 10, 15 minutes, there's something wrong. You need to come home because he was leaving for work. And so I'm in the shower and yeah, I pass out. And he doesn't hear from me. Luckily, he worked on the street. He comes home, finds me. He's like, no. Picks me up, dresses me, takes me back to the original hospital and it was like, you guys need to figure out what is wrong with her because this has been

going on for a week. There's something wrong. She looks like she's dying. Fix her. So they go back to ultrasound. My ovary can't find my ovary. They're like, then they start panicking. Now they're like, oh, we might have a big problem, which is she might have torsion, which is when your ovary flips and it cuts off the circulation and your ovary can essentially die and cause major problems. And so they're panicking and they're like, oh, and by the way, we don't have an OBGYN specialist on call right now. So we have to transfer you back to the other hospital. So I'm like, okay. And next thing I know, I'm being rushed into an ambulance. And then we're going lights and sirens to the hospital.

And I'm like, what's going on? Like, why are you guys rushing me? Like, you guys just said I have, like, I have to go see this specialist. They're like, no, we're taking you and you're going right into surgery. And I'm like, well, it's that bad. And they're like, you know, it's that bad.

It's not what happened. They definitely took their time. I think it was like two hours before. Like, because, again, they wanted to do their own ultrasounds, but couldn't find my ovary. Went to the other side. I could find that one, but they were like, no, we need to do surgery. So literally at one in the morning, I had emergency surgery.

And what happened was my liver was actually pulled down and was actually squishing my ovary. And that was why they couldn't find it. And that was from more scar tissue. Wow. And so the scar tissue had actually caused a blockage in my intestines as well, which just why I kept throwing up. I, like, had this, like, gas feeling, like, right under my sternum, and I'm like, man, like, I haven't eaten, I haven't drank anything. Like, what is that? And that's what it was. They said it was within an hour or two of bursting, which would have

caused me to go septic. And I was like, how is that acceptable? I've been coming for four or five days. And now you're telling me, oh, yeah, there was something really wrong with you, but sorry. None of us called it, yeah. Yeah. And of course, Florida, you can't go after them for anything if you survive. Like, you literally have to die in order for you to be able to, like, go after a doctor for malpractice. So I went home and I was like, okay, well, there we go. We have another answer.

I have more scar tissue. But there was never a reason for why this scar tissue was there. It was just there. And so that was 20, end of 2016. Beginning of 2017, I was in a really bad car accident. I was on the side of the road. My car broke down and a kid texting and driving, rear-ended my ex-husband who was in a separate car first,

sent him across three lanes of traffic up a curb into a telephone pole, and then he had enough momentum to continue and hit me, and I went into oncoming traffic. But I ripped my e-breakup, was able to stop. But I broke my sternum, my knee had the dashboard, I crushed a disc in my lower back, and essentially for some reason that like almost amplified my medical problems that like almost made everything worse. And so I was in even more excruciating pain and the side pain was then affecting my back

and was affecting my leg. And by 2018, I had, I think it was in May. I went and same thing had major, major side pain, couldn't eat, couldn't drink. I went to one hospital. I was there for nine days. I actually had an endoscope done, which is when they stick it down your throat. And they're like, oh, you have stomach ulcers. So you need to see this GI doctor. But they're like, but it's still a female problem, so you need to go back to your OB.

And now I've been seeing an OB this entire time, the same one. And he's never felt like it was an OB problem. So I'm like, why does everyone keep blaming female issues? Like, you know, it's, oh, you're hormonal, oh, you're just having cramps. Oh, you're ovulating. It's always just being blamed on that. And it's just like, no, that's not the problem. I promise.

I'm not exaggerating. And then I got discharged from my hospital because they were going to send me to University of Miami, which was like two hours away, and I was like, I can't do that. So instead, I actually had them transfer me up to University of Pennsylvania. And I was there for three days. They diagnosed me with C-DIF, which is actually a ridiculous illness you get if you have fecal matter that can get transferred, whether it's from your phone, from anything you drink, from, you know, just not washing your hands, whatever.

And, but it ended up being an improper diagnosis because I was retested when I went back to Florida and they're like, you don't have this. And I'm like, are you sure? Like, because they put me on medication and I had a bit. And they're like, no, you, you like have it. Like, you have to go through like rounds of medication to get off of it. So I was like, okay. So then what do I have?

And I went back to another hospital for like another week. And then they did a colonoscopy. And they were like, oh, you have, so I have bladder ulcers and stomach ulcers. And they couldn't see anything else wrong with my colonoscopy. But they were like, oh, we recommend you seeing a urologist. So I go and see urologist. That was when I found the bladder ulcers. they were like, you seem to have pelvic floor problems. And I'm like, what the heck is pelvic floor

problems? And not to be graphic, but your vagina walls are, your muscles basically run up and down. And when you have, it's called pelvic floor muscle spasms where basically one of those bands of muscles will literally spasm and get really tight. And that's painful. makes sex painful, makes anything painful, even just going to the bathroom. You know, you don't realize like what muscles you use when you go to the bathroom, but even just like that little bit of pressure, it causes pain. And I was thinking that it was just like all coming from this side pain. And they're like, oh, no, this is, this is, you know, more your problem.

So I'm like, okay, so maybe it was all along a female issue. So I see that a urologist specialist who happens to be. an OBGYN specialist and they do these infusions which is probably one of the most painful things I ever had to go through I had to empty my bladder they catheterize you they they fill your bladder with this medication it literally burns you have to hold it for an hour and then you have to expel it which also burns yeah and you know and this entire time I'm just like praying like that this is going to give me some relief and like some sort of like almost like sense of normality again because at this point I'm just like I feel like a medical mess. I was 28 and I'm like why don't I have all these

things wrong with me that I feel like an older person should be going through and eventually it came to where I had been in the hospital for about a month and a half off and on to different hospitals and they were like, no, you need to go to your OV. And I'm like, fine, I'm done with this. I'm going to go my OB. I'm going to spell out everything I've done. All of the steps I've gone through, all of these problems, like the colonoscopy, the end of everything. And I spell it all out for him.

And he was like, well, you've done all your homework. You've checked all the boxes. Yeah, let's do surgery. And I'm like, really? That was all I needed to do was that nicely. And so I. got scheduled for surgery and I was so excited but I had no idea what to expect because I'm like, what is this surgery going to bring that the others happen? And I have my surgery and I woke up

and at the foot of my bed, my doctor was standing at my bed and he goes, well kid, you were right. You had something very wrong with you. And I was like, what, you know, your half was coming out of anesthesia and I'm like, what do you mean? And he's like, your mom and husband will explain. it to you. And I'm like, what? Okay. And they come in and my mom's crying, you know, because she's just so relieved. She's like, we finally have an answer. And I was diagnosed with endometriosis. And they, what happened was they had actually found a fibroid finally on the back of my uterus, but my colon was actually attached to my uterus with scar tissue. So this entire time I've been having these scar tissue problems, there's probably been fibroids hiding somewhere

causing these scar tissues. And so basically what he explained was, is I now have endometriosis of these other organs, which is really crazy to think about. And at the time, I really didn't know what that truly meant. I just was like, oh, I have this problem. It can be fixed. No, it can't be there was no cure and I didn't know that and you know so when I go to my post-op which is probably about a week later I'm alone my my mom had gone back to Jersey my ex-husband was at or my husband at the time he was at work and they bring me in and my doctor comes in but comes in with two nurses and I was like that that's weird because it's just post-off and and they're like you know have you have you considered children have you

you know, consider, you know, what your next steps are. And I'm like, I don't understand. What do you mean? And they're like, well, with endometriosis, the longer you have it, the more infertile you are. And based on your history, you've probably, you've had symptoms and signs since you were 14, 15, when I had my first cyst rupture and needed my first surgery. And I was like, okay. Yeah, I'm like, but I'm 28. What do you mean? Like, I should be able to have. have kids. And he's like, well, he's like, you've had polycystic ovary, which is why you constantly have these cysts. He's like, but now you have endometriosis. He's like, really the only cure for endo is a temporary cure, and that's getting pregnant. Because endometriosis is when you basically get

your period on the outside of your uterus. And the only way to stop that is to be pregnant because you stop getting a period when you're pregnant. So it's the only way to make it. And it's the only way to make better per se but I had no other symptoms of endometriosis like I didn't have a crazy heavy period I didn't have really bad cramping I just had this consistent side pain and but it wasn't my decision to make alone you know I had to go home and talk to my ex-husband and I was I knew I wasn't ready to have kids yeah and so I go home and I'm just like this is such a weird decision and I'm a weird conversation I need to have because I'm like I'm not I'm not ready to think about this and you know and I talked to him about it and his first gut reaction was like no no we can't do that and

and so we both came to a realization that we weren't prepared and we weren't ready and we probably weren't going to be ready for like another five years and and unfortunately that that meant that I probably wasn't ever going to have children of my own and that was really hard and very isolating because by the time I was, my mom was my age, she already had two kids. And friends from home or even where I live now in Florida, they're having kids. They're getting married and everything. And so I'm just like, oh, like now I'm going to be one of those people that's just kind of standing there and always attending baby showers and never having kids of their own.

And, you know, that was like really scary and sad. And because I did imagine having kids. I essentially was like the little half third parent to my little sister. Like that kid means everything to me. I would beg and plead to like just push the stroller or change her diaper, which sounds so silly. But like I love, I love kids. And so when I came to that decision of, you know, I'm going to move forward without having.

kids, my doctor was like, okay, well, another next step we can do is this trial drug. And you would think with a trial drug, it would come with instructions, pamphlets, side effect, warnings, anything, what else this drug could be used for? And I literally got nothing. I was just told, hey, this is a trial drug. It's in phase three, which is before the final FDA approval phase. And your options are basically this or continue to suffer with what you're dealing with. And I was like, okay, well, if I take this medication, what does this mean?

Do I have to take other medications? And he was like, well, yeah, you're going to need to be put on estrogen as well. And I'm like, okay. So he was like, there's two milligrams. there's a low dose and a high dose. He's like, we'll start you off on the low dose, and if we need to, we'll bump you up. And I'm like, okay.

So I start off on the low dose. I'm okay. I'm on it for probably two or three months. And I was still having some, like, I would say like reactions would work. I was having pain. And so he's like, okay, we'll bump you up to the higher dose. We'll put you on progestone.

And so I got bumped up. I'm sorry, the trial drug is called Oralissa. I guess it's no longer a trial drug. It's actually approved. So Oralissa is the name of the drug and I got bumped up to the higher dose and within five weeks of being bumped up to the higher dose, I have my first panic attack to the point where I hyperventilated and passed out and I never had a panic attack in my entire life. And crazy enough, I came up to New Jersey for Thanksgiving.

I went to my biological father, came back into my life when I was 19. I've tried to have a relationship with him. It's not the greatest, but I tried. But unfortunately, that visit just didn't go well. And I came home and I just, my mom couldn't call me down, my ex-husband couldn't call me down, down. Like my stepdad, nobody could call me down. And I literally passed out. And when I came to,

like, my mom was crying. Like, everyone was crying. And she was just like, what is this from? And I just, I didn't know. I had no answer. And, you know, I just thought it was just some weird fluke freak accident, weird thing. And so I go home and all of a sudden, same thing. Have a panic attack over something really small, like that would never give me anxiety before. And then I noticed anytime I was stopped in a car because of my car accident, I would start having panic attacks. I'd be, I'd be death gripping the chair. I'd be trying to, like, hold the handle of the door, like just anything, I'd be like looking in the mirrors and just very panicky. And then it even escalated further to, if I leave my house,

something's going to happen. A palmfront's going to fall in front of my car while I'm driving and make me crash. A coconut's going to fall in. Smash my windshield. As I'm driving, someone's going to drop something over the bridge and crash in me because I drive a convertible. So it's like something could fall through my car very easily. Like just very unrealistic. I mean, I guess at some point they could be realistic, but it was just like very extreme thoughts. Yeah. I call it. I call it. I call it. Now I call it Hurricane Brain. Like it would just start off as something really small and it would just spiral out of control and be unreal.

And I couldn't ever stop myself. Like I couldn't ever tell. Like even though I knew it was something that was completely irrational, I couldn't, like my brain just wouldn't accept it. And I started having these episodes where I was losing, memory and it started off small where it was like five to ten minutes of memory being gone and then it would be 30 to 45 minutes and like within those moments it wasn't like past memories no yeah it was within it was within those moments so basically my brain was

fighter flighting and it was flighting beyond like to the point where literally it would check out and I say like somebody else was driving my body because it whatever was in control

was not me and like my mom my mom eventually had to come down and help and she said basically I was in an episode like she was like you weren't you she was like it was like somebody had taken your mind and put somebody else's in it. Like, I was just doing things completely out of character,

and this is the hard part of my story, because this is where a lot of my shame and where a lot of, like, I guess where I've kind of closed the door to the outside world for people to know, like, this part, but I think it's important. I had a service, my original service, dog. Her name is Sylvia. And she's a Shebsky, an amazing, amazing dog, very smart. And she was a puppy. I'd never had a puppy before. My parents, when we adopted, my parents' dog, he was, I was like one and

half or two. So he was past like the puppy stage, past the chewing up things, past the going potty, whatever, and in the house. And I had never had that. And I unfortunately, got her during that time period of having the mental issues. And, you know, I had already, we had already planned on getting her. Like, we had already paid for her prior to this all happening. So it was kind of like, she unfortunately came into the picture of the wrong time. And I was having, so she would chew something up or do something or play bite me or whatever. and I would black out. And from what I was told, unfortunately I don't remember,

so I have to just go based off on what I was told. But I unfortunately was harming her, and it's so hard to say because I'm my mom. I swear she would have put on my bingo card of life me growing up and becoming a veterinarian because I love animals. Animals are my passion who you saw. I have my two cats, my baby,

boy, and I have my current service dog, her name is Zilla. And I can never imagine harming an animal in my entire life. But I, unfortunately, whatever was causing those problems was harming her. Never to the point where she needed to be taken to the vet. Never to the point where, I mean, unfortunately, they're her unfortunate circumstances where it could have looked like I did, something to her to cause her to go to the vet but it wasn't the case unfortunately i was just going through it at the same time that she just was a klutz puppy my current dog it her job is to run

into and slide into walls and doors like she does it for fun so unfortunately you know sylvia broke her hip and it looked like i had done it and i didn't she was she was she was She had fallen down the stairs. And I can completely and totally understand why people wanted to blame me. But I remember everything about that. And to me, that shows like that I wasn't in an episode. And I literally tried to catch her and save her. And she basically, my cat was going down and she was going up and they ran into each other.

And she just slid backwards down the stairs and along the rungs and broke her, the head of her femur off of her leg and needed to have that removed. So unfortunately, you can't help a puppy playing, especially on stairs. But I will own up to the things I did do. So, I mean, I was, so she chewed all my glasses. That was something that caused a really big problem. It wasn't caught in the beginning that something was happening with her because it was either happening when nobody else was around. And again, it was like a two or five minute episode.

And then like I would just be like, why am I in the living room or why am I in the bedroom or the bathroom? So you would basically just black out. Yeah. And you had no memory of those however long it was, three minutes or whatever. Yeah, could just complete. And then, and your mom said if she was ever with you during those times, that it didn't, it didn't even seem like you. Yeah. So.

But you wouldn't pass out. It was just like somebody else was there. Yeah. Somebody else. It was like, like, so it was like fight or fight. Basically like I would almost like zone out and like my brain would just check out. And then it would just whatever would just be in control. And so by, so I started it.

I want to say in like sub. September and then August, September, and by March, we had realized that I was having Blackhead episodes. Didn't realize how, like, bad they, like, I think they were, like, just starting to get worse. So we finally figured out, like, this is, this only started happening after I started this drug. And so we told my doctor and we're like, hey, this is, this, what the heck is happening? Like, this is not normal. She's not acting right. She's having panic attacks. Like, she can't function. can't go to work, can't get out of bed, what is happening? And he was like, oh yeah, that, that could be a side effect of the drug, you know, we can reduce her. And my mom was like,

no, you're taking her off the drug. And so they did. But unfortunately, because I had been on it for six or eight months, they literally said, oh, what's built up in her system? It's going to take six or eight months to come out. So not realizing that meant that that was six to eight. eight more months of blackout episodes. And it wasn't an everyday thing. It wasn't an every week thing. Sometimes it could be, but like it was more random in the beginning. But then after we took me off the drug, I was getting to the point where I was starting

to fight my ex-husband. Unfortunately, I don't even remember what it was about, but he was just trying to stop me from hurting myself and I swung my keys on my lanyard and it got him in the head. I can't remember where I just remember it was bleeding a lot and I felt so horrible because I didn't mean for that to happen but unfortunately psychiatrically I couldn't help that that is what happened. And so that's thing like it's I have to own what I did even though I wasn't in control. I mean I still did it you know, but I do have an understanding that I wasn't in control. And that is unfortunate.

But it's also at the same time, it's so scary. And again, very isolating feeling, very, I'm alone or I'm not experiencing this. You guys are saying that this is happening, but there's no way I'm doing these things. There's no way I would never hurt Dylan. I would never hurt my animals. I would never hurt my mom. I would never do any of that stuff. And I'm like, so you guys have to be lying.

you guys are just making me not to be crazy. That was the mindset I had. Because, again, it hurt to hear those things because it wasn't in my nature. And so I ended up having to be bankrupted again. My mom came down. So my mom hadn't been down throughout this until about, so I think I came off in March. I think my mom came down in August because Dylan, my ex-exam. husband is just like, I can't do this anymore because she's just, she's just beyond recognition

and I don't know what to do anymore. And my mom was like, what do you mean? Like, because she had seen it like in glimpses, but like obviously she's not living with me. She's not experiencing it every day. And so I'm very lucky that my mom works remotely. So she was able to come down and stay with us for, I think she was down for six or seven weeks. Like it was like August. And And my ex-sincement was working full-time at the time. So, like, literally, I was just home all day, myself, in bed, not getting out of bed, not doing anything. Except for having random episodes with, unfortunately, my old service dog. So the theory was maybe my mom can come in and, like, help counteract those episodes and stop or figure out what's causing the triggers.

And then my mom also kind of just wanted to see what it was for me to be. in an episode. But my mom was like, you were just in an episode the entire time. She's like, it was just not, you were just not yourself. Perfect exam. Well, part, I guess I should preface that during all of this, I was just in so much pain. I was on pain medications because of the car accident. But my pain that I was having in my abdomen was not being helped by the pain medication. And I was so over it. I was crying in tears. And I was just like, just give me anything. And my ex-husband used to smoke pot. And he was like, dude, I'm sure pot would help. And I'm like, I don't care. Give it to me. Please. Just if it'll help, please. And so he did give me flour because

he knew I was sensitive to it. So it was just a vape. And I vaped. And instantly the pain went away. And I fell asleep. And I think I like stuff for like two days. So, I started really leaning on that. Now, in Florida, you can have your medical marijuana card, but I was afraid that I was doing something wrong because originally from New Jersey can't have that stuff. My parents also raised me the drugs were not a good thing. And honestly, cars were my drugs. I didn't need to add alcohol or actual drugs into that mix. So it was really hard for me to accept it, but once I realized that it was helping, I was all about it, but I wasn't being honest with my doctors, and I was getting it off the street. So it was coming

from a friend, but really what can be in that, I don't know, you know. It's coming from Colorado or California, and who knows whose hands it's going through, what's being put in it. And I genuinely think I was having adverse reactions. Aside from not talking to my doctor, about it, but like I was doing some weird things. Yeah. My mom, she types really fast on the computer and she has like one of those like tactical keyboards that has like the clickies. And I love that. And I literally would just like stand behind her and her keyboard lights up green. And I would just like in a trance be watching her and like, be like it's so pretty. And my mom's like, what are you doing? Like just doing really weird stuff.

And then finally she experienced where I had a bad episode where the police needed to get involved. From what my mom said, I talked to her last night about it because I didn't remember what happened. But from what my mom said, my one cat was like calling up the carpet. trying to like get it like stick his arm under the door like just how to cats do you know they're playing and um it was like late at night and i was trying to sleep and got mad at him and evidently took him and into the laundry room and what you were going at it i don't know what i did um i do know that he was in a laundry basket and you know basically i had trapped him in there again did not need to go to the vet. He was okay. I still happen to this day. He loves me to death. He is my

heart cat. But I do know that I did hurt him. And I was scared because I came out of it, out of the episode. Like when after the police had already gotten there, like I like started coming around and I was freaking out because I was like, what had happened? What did I just do? Like there's no way, like, and the police were ready to literally to kick in the door. And so once I opened the door, cat ran out. They checked on him. He was okay. He, they needed to take me to the hospital and baker act to me and figure out what was going on. They took me. I literally was only there for like two days, not even. Not enough time. In my mind, it was more than enough, but definitely not enough time to really have like a full understanding of like what was going on because that was the

first time and actually the only time that anything had ever happened to my cat and um i'm actually a cat person more than i am a dog person so again just very scary to me because i just it didn't make sense to me that math wasn't mathing i'm like there's no way i would never i would never do such a thing like that. And so as they corrected, they got me in touch with a new psychiatrist, and my mom was like, okay, I'm going to drive you to the appointment. And we're going to go. We're going to get you help. We're going to get you on the right track. And again, it was in complete denial, didn't want to do it, was against it, felt like, you know, everyone was just out to get me. And unfortunately, I did go to the psychiatrist, I did talk to them. My mom was there, so like she knows I did talk to them. But it wasn't,

again, it was kind of like that beginning experiment of, okay, I've listened to what's wrong with you. I'm going to try and put you on some medications and hope that that helps. And, you know, obviously it takes months or weeks for you to figure out what don't you need and whatever. So I started on stuff, but it wasn't obviously all the right stuff or even the right dosages. And I had another episode a few weeks later. Sylvia had left gone, I think, to Duncan or something. I came back and my dog had chewed, I think it was like an eyedrop bottle or was my glasses, something. and I had my arm through her collar so she like couldn't get away.

It was like a thick collar. And but like, so I wasn't like holding her or anything, but I was yelling at her. And my mom came in from the other room and like essentially was like telling me to stop and like was getting closer and closer. and I essentially went to the ground and she obviously was stuck with me because I had my arm through her collar. And I don't know if my mom didn't realize that my arm was through her collar,

but she was literally screaming at me saying let her go. And I'm like, I can't. I did. It's just stuck. And so my mom literally tackled me and sat on top of me and did what she had to do, which was unfortunately choked me, literally, like, put her arms around my neck to the point

where I was starting to black out and it was just to make me stop, I don't know, in her mind, make her, I think it was like enough for my mom to get like the collar, like, or my mom, or my arm out from the collar or get Sylvia away, whatever. But even after the dog had gotten away, my mom was still on top of me and I was scared because it's a very vulnerable position to be on. And my mom is a larger person than I am. So, you know, it was, I wasn't getting up easily. And I was because I was blacking out and I was starting to like lose my vision and I could feel myself passing out. I did the next best thing that I could think of and that was unfortunately I bit her.

I bit her as hard as I possibly could because I just didn't want to pass out. I literally felt like she was killing me because, you know, when you're in a panic, you know, psychiatric state, everything is like the utmost extreme. So even though I wasn't going to die, I felt like I was dying. And in my mind, I'm like, why is my mother killing me? and so I bit her arm and unfortunately I bit her breasts and in that rage or in that I guess moment when she let up because I bet her I then was able to throw her off and I thought I was in the right and I actually called 911 on my mom saying oh she tried to choke me this and that

and when the police came it backfired and I was the one of the guys came it backfired and I was the one they got in trouble because they said her injuries were much more severe than mine. And I was either going to jail or I was getting bankeracted. So I chose to be bakeracted. But at the same time, I told my mom to get out and leave. And I was mad at her. Again, didn't see that she was just trying to help. And so I was in the hospital, I want to say for like a week that time.

And in that time period, she left. She went back to Jersey. But when I came home, my ex-husband was like, listen, we need to, like, spell stuff out. This is it. This is your final chance. If something else happens, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. And you were off the trial drug at this point, right?

It was just, like, kind of getting out of your system. Yeah. Yep. And that was unfortunately, like, I was still seeing my OB, and I was, like, checking in. I'm like, I'm still having these problems. And he's just like, yeah, it's actually, it's crazy. Psychiatric drugs do the same thing when you take a psychiatric drug. Nine times a 10, like the first couple times you take it,

you don't really feel an effect because it has to build up in your system for you to start, like, feeling the long-term effects of it. So same thing, it had to build up in my system. So I was on it, like I said, for like I think six to eight months. So I was going to take that long to come out. And yeah, so by this time, it was August. or I guess it was September was when I was the first two times I was being directed. The last time I was being interacted, which was after my ex-husband, like, I said, he did everything

he possibly could. He stood by me. He helped me every way he could by bringing my mom down by, you know, taking me to doctors, doing anything, trying to help me with the weed, just to help my pain and he was even going to counseling and trying to figure out how can I help her. Is there anything more I can be doing? And but the final time was, oh, I'm sorry, that was, so the final time was when she chewed my glasses. That's what it was. I'm sorry. I think the second time it was like just like a like I dropped bottle the last time she chewed up my glasses. And I again, I don't know what I did, I can only just go off of what I was told, but I sent a photo of her in the bathtub, and it looked like she was dead. She was not. But I sent it to my ex-husband, and I told him that

she was dead. And he, of course, called the police. And when the police showed up, I obviously didn't let them in. I was still in my episode. And within, I would say, like, 15, 20 minutes, I kind of came to because my dog was helping me. She was, like, trying to bring me out of the episode. She was licking my face. She was just attending to me. And, you know, I had called my ex-husband, and I told him, like, she's fine. Well, I don't understand. Why are the police here? And he was, He was like, this is what you did. You need to come outside and you need to bring her and you need to go to the hospital. And I'm like, no, I didn't hurt her.

She's fine. She's literally right here. She's licking me. Like, I'm not going anywhere. Like, I didn't do anything. And he is like, no, you have to. And it got to the point where a police negotiator had to come in. And she was very kind.

She messaged me and all my friends. phone and was like, hey, you know, your ex-husband says that there are weapons in the house, you know, and that you have your conceal, you know, do you have your gun on you? And I'm like, it's not on me. I'm like, it's in my bedroom, but it's disarmed. Like, it's not loaded or anything. And I was like, but yeah, I was like, my ex-husband has a ton of guns. They're all over the house. I was like, I don't even know where all of them are. And so because I said that there were guns in the house, that them meant she couldn't come in and talk to me. because that's a threat.

Like, it could harm her if I wanted to. So I was then told I had no choice but to come out. And again, I was not coming out for any reason. I didn't want to go back to the hospital. And unfortunately, that meant that I literally watched them close down my street. They had police car. I could see police cars. I was in a townhome that had two stories.

I was in the second story in my bedroom and I could see that they had like a big police truck blocking the one way and that there was cops all like like behind trees behind fences like very extreme and I'm like what is happening and the next thing I know I see a drone and I'm like really a drone it's not like I'm out here like holding a gun to my head

or saying I'm going to shoot the cops like what the heck and then they start ripping my fence down and I'm like what is happening? And they have this little remote control, like, robot camera thing. And it's on, like, little tracks. And it comes into my fenced-in yard. And I'm like, what, like, what is...

This is way too extreme for this. And so finally, I told them, I'm like, please, like, stop destroying my stuff. I'll come out. And I came out, and I opened the door, and my dog runs out. And, like, she runs out and tail wagon. so excited and happy to see everybody greeting all the cops,

greeting it. And like everyone's like, whoa, blah, what. And then they see that she's just being friendly, being just a pupper. And they have me come out, and they make me turn around, walk backwards, and they cuff me and they check her over. They see that she was fine. And they were like, why did you say that she was dead?

And I'm like, I don't know. I don't remember. And so then they put me in the, the back of this cop car. And I talked to the police negotiator and again, they were like, listen, I understand you didn't do anything, you know, to actually harm the dog, but we still have to take you. So like SWAT had come, like the whole like that our remote control thing and the drone, that was all from SWAT. So like the SWAT truck was on my lawn. So I mean, if you're a neighbor, you can clearly see something is going down.

And again, I was in, I think I was in there for like 90s as Baker acted. And when I came home, my town home was empty. My ex-husband had taken all of his stuff, had taken the dog, left my cats, but had taken the dog and all this stuff, and that was it. And we were at the end of our lease. Like we were weeks away from like resigning and I got a letter from the HOA and they were like, oh, we're removing you because you discharged a firearm. And I was like, excuse me? And they're like, yeah, you discharge a firearm.

That was why the police were here, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, I did not discharge a firearm. Like you can see in the police report that there was no firearm discharged. Like you can't do that. That's illegal. Like you're trying to kick me out for a reason that didn't happen. and they're like, oh, well, our decision's final. So literally, I had two weeks to find somewhere to live.

And with two cats, and I'm like, where am I going to go? And I wasn't working because I was going through all the medical stuff. So I reached out to my ex-husband, and I was like, hey, like, I knew you took all your stuff, but I need your help. Like, what am I supposed to do? And he was like, I don't care. Go to women's shelter. And I'm like, but I'm going through like all of this stuff.

Like I'm not doing it on purpose. And he's like, I can't handle it anymore. So I had an ex-boyfriend that was, I was still friends with, still in touch with. And he had come over and was staying with me to make sure that I didn't hurt myself, like after Dylan had left because they were, he was, a lot of my friends were like, pretty sure that I was going to like either kill myself or self-harm. Because it was very shocking to come home to an empty townhouse that has been filled for three years. And so when I was staying with him, he was living with an ex-girlfriend. Or I'm sorry, so he was staying with me. He was staying with an ex-girlfriend. They had an apartment

together. They were on the lease together. They lived in separate rooms, whatever. Well, she knew I was going through all of that stuff because I was close with him still. And when she found out that he was staying with me, she started going crazy, started like sending pictures of her cutting up his clothes and destroying his room. And he had some guitars and some expensive stuff that like was sentimental to him. So he didn't have a car. So I drove him over to the apartment and went up there with him. Well, they went and had it out in his bedroom while I was in the living room just on my phone well she comes out and she's screaming and yelling and he's like okay let's leave and I'm like no she needs to go clean up that stuff in your room like that's not okay she destroyed it if she doesn't clean it up I'm gonna

destroy her stuff like that's not cool and he was like no no no we it's fine like we we talked it out just let's go and I'm like fine whatever and she was in the kitchen and there was like an island separated us like was not ever near her. So I leave. I go down the stairs and I thought he was right behind me, but he wasn't. And the next thing I know like 30 seconds later, I hear the door come and then he's coming down the stairs. So there was like maybe 30, 60 seconds between when I was left and when he left. And next thing we know, she's saying that she's going to the hospital and that she's going to press charges against me. And he's like, for what? And she was drunk at the time when we had gone over there. She had an alcohol problem, unfortunately. And that's usually when she got bold and

started doing things. She would drink, get angry, start going crazy. Like she locked him out on the balcony and stuff like that. And so she said that I had punched her in the face with a pair of brass knuckles. And when I said, Oh, I beat her up and and he said no you punched her I'm like punched her one time like what like and And he's like that's what she's saying she says she's going to the hospital and I'm like but she was fine when we were there So we think that she either passed out and hit her head or she did it to herself because she's done things to herself to try and get him in trouble So she said that I had punched her and I said, okay, I was like, well, here's a really easy solution.

I was like, what side of the face is it on? Because I'm left-handed. I was like, is it on the right side of her face or the left side of her face? Because if it's not on the right side of her face, it wasn't me. And it wasn't. And so I'm like, this is super easy case closed. I literally didn't do it. So I think nothing of it.

We leave. We had left already like, This was, we were at my apartment, like, when she was texting us this. Like, we had already, like, made it back to my place. And I'm like, are you serious? Like, what did you do? And a few days go by, it's like midnight. I'm here knocking the door.

I open the door. It's the police. And they're literally arresting me for hitting her. And I'm like, what proof do you have? Like, please show me the evidence. I'm like, here are my hands. I don't own brass knuckles. I'm like, I don't even know where to get brass knuckles.

Like, not a thing of. But I was like, and just punching somebody one time, like, I'm sorry, if you're going to fight somebody, you're going to beat them up more than just one punch. And especially me. So it was just kind of like one of those things. I'm like, like, you guys need to look at the big picture and not just go off of what one person's saying, because that just means that I can hurt myself and say you punched me and not have any evidence to it, but except for the fact that we were in the same room together at the same time. Like, that's so beyond unfair. And I, and, you know, I had seen things about like police unfair treatment, but that was really the first time I had experienced it. But I thought because I was confident, I didn't do it, it was a simple open and closed case, I will have no problem, I'll go to court,

I'll fight it. So spend the night in jail, whatever, I get released. And while I'm out, I had decided that I was going to go to an outpatient program at a hospital where I was basically going to learn coping mechanisms to my mental illnesses. And they had diagnosed me with dissociative disorder. Now, dissociative disorder is a derivative of dissociative identity disorder, which is multiple personalities. So to have DID, you need to have trauma. You get that's a when usually you get the multiple personalities, the multiple, like the people, like the protectors and stuff like that. But I had trauma in my childhood, but not enough to make me split, but they said it was enough to make my brain do the same thing, which is shut off to the outside

world and put somebody else in control. Now, the difference is people with DID, they typically have memories or that one person will hold that memory. And it shows. up earlier in life. So they were like, you have this, but it's not this big, horrible thing. And it's something that they said I could treat. And I was like, okay, yes. Like that was hope. So do you think that the medication or the trial drug that you were on kind of?

Oh, yeah. So basically any psychiatric problem I had growing up basically got amplified times like a thousand. From the trial drug. Yeah. And I didn't realize this until, so I was going through this class, this coping mechanism. And I had joined some Facebook groups. Now, I've been told, like, be careful. They can be toxic.

But I was like, oh, I'll just join them, just see if anyone, like, just, A, not to feel alone. Because, again, I was young. and B, I just wanted to see what other people were experiencing to see if, like, is this my endometriosis or is this something else? And what I actually ended up learning was that the trial drug I was on was, or is, they use it to treat prostate cancer. and it is also one of the drugs that they use for puberty blockers for transitioning transitioning teens so I find it interesting that they're giving me this medication to teenagers and I'm like if I had these crazy reactions and I'm 28 and you know hopefully and technically my brain is fully developed at 28, what's happening to these kids that are on this drug at 14, 15 years

old? Because I, that scares me. I mean, I mean, like, I know that not everyone's going to have the same experience that I did, but it's way more common than you would think. That was like a whole commonality throughout all the Facebook groups. Of people having those like black Not necessarily the blackouts, but like having extreme reactions. Okay. So like having panic attacks or having, I was having a problem where I couldn't tolerate food. I literally couldn't eat and I had lost like 30 pounds. I was like skin and bones.

And the only thing I could end up tolerating in the end was like white rice and plain pasta. And that was like my diet for like a year. and I was able to slowly reintroduce food but it was it was hard like I was eating like once every couple days so after the six to eight months of you not being on it did you find that those blackouts stopped so after I had been arrested the first time I was going through this school and so it was out a hospital it was an outpatient program at a hospital and um while I was there I was seeing a secondary psychiatrist and my ex-husband had said listen if you get a note from your psychiatrist saying you're longer a danger to yourself others animals anyone I will give you back

sylvia my dog and I'm like okay cool so that was my goal that was what I needed to work towards I had worked towards that I actually got it and I went to go get my dog and I went about it the wrong way, complete wrong way. I just showed up to his work demanding, give me the dog, it was never a conversation, it was just, hey, I did this, now you hold up your end of the deal, I'm here. And I ended up getting trespassed from his work. I ended up not getting the dog and causing a lot of problems for myself. And I actually ended up getting served a restraining order. and I was at the hospital when I got the restraining order and I was super pissed, super upset.

I didn't want to sign it, didn't want to do anything. And at that point, I was, like, over it. I had, like, my mind was, like, checked out for the day. I was like, nope, I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to go home. And I actually, coincidentally had a psychiatrist appointment later that day. So I'm like, I'll be fine. I'll just go home, cool off, go to my psychiatrist appointment.

They were like, no. They're like, you are going to self-harm. You're a danger to yourself. You're really upset right now. So we're going to baker act to you. And I'm like, why? Because I got served a restraining order? Like, that doesn't mean you have to bakeract me.

So I got pissed. So I literally walked out. And I went home and I left. But they called the police and the police showed up. I was in my house. This is another horrible part. my story. I was in my house. I was on the phone with my mom. I told her what happened. I started to get ready to go to my psychiatrist appointment. I walk out. I get in, I sit in my car,

and I go to shut the door and somebody grabs my arms. And I'm freaked out. And I'm like, oh my God. And it's a police officer. It's a female police officer. And she's like, oh, you, Angela, you need to get out. You need to come with you, blah, blah. And I'm like, why I'm literally going to the doctor. And she's like, no, no, no. And I'm still on the phone with my mom. And I'm telling her, I'm like, no, I'm not, I don't need to be bigger acted. I'm not self-harming.

I'm not a harm danger to myself. Like, I literally just want to go to my doctors. And I don't remember everything she said, but essentially it was along the lines of as soon as her partner got there that she was going to rip me out of the car. and I actually was 36 hours post-surgery. I had just had Botox injections on my bladder, literally 36 hours before. And so I actually wasn't even supposed to be at the hospital that day. Like they wanted me to take like two, three days off and just stay home.

But I was like so like dedicated to going and wanting to learn and want to do better that I was like, no, I'll just go anyways. And then that happened. So I was like, really, I'm being punished and I shouldn't have even gone anyways. So I was just super pissed. Well, she did end up ripping me out of the car. And they were pushing me on top of my car and I'm on my bladder and I'm pushing back off. And I'm just screaming and crying in pain, like in agony. And when I get super anxious or super like, I want to get hurricane brain,

I sometimes I literally lose the ability to speak and I can't get out what's wrong. So I'm pushing back and they're screaming at me that I'm resisting and I'm just crying at them. No, I'm not. Like I can't get out. Like I just had surgery. I just like nothing's coming out. And finally I get handcuffed. They bring me over to her car and I hand-cooked behind my back and they're patting me down.

I'm like trying to calm down so I can tell her like, hey, I just had surgery. Can you please be careful? And she gets to the point where I can hold on to her, grab her hand, again, still handcuffed. And I just had her hand. And I'm just holding her hand. And I'm just trying to get out like, just have a good human connection. Like, you know, like, hey, I'm hurting. Like, this is what's happening. And I couldn't get it out fast enough. And she literally punches me in the stomach and pushes me into the back of a police car. And I whacked my chin. I had a huge, like, scrape on my chin because it's like a hard plastic in vaccine of cop cars. And they, like, then, like, grabbed me by my shirt and I had, like, hit my knees and scrape my knees up. And when I had been being pushed on top of my car, I got knocked off my feet and I had kicked one of them.

So literally they were arresting me for assault on a police officer. even though I was supposed to be baker-acted, which they're not supposed to be able to arrest you if you're being baker-acted because technically you're having a psychiatric problem and event and you need help. So, I mean, like I've literally heard of people like punching, biting, like spitting on cops and they're like, yeah, they're having a mental breakdown. Like, that's not their fault. So I got arrested again. so I was already out on um I on on I think it's called like SRO like on recognins supervised recogniz and uh so I was like had to check in so I got

arrested again and uh for assault on the police officer so again something I technically really I didn't do like yes I did do it but like I didn't it wasn't intentional um so I was super upset and super pissed off and at that point I was ready to like hurt myself. So they put me in the psych unit and they put you in the naked box for, you know, 36 hours. I think because I was, I went on a weekend. So like I had to wait and it's freezing cold in there. And, uh, I actually spent 36 days in jail.

Wow. Yeah. And, uh, again, not a lot of people know it. It, it was really, really rough. I went, I was in the psychiatric unit. of it. So I probably had a little bit better than most. I have my own private cell, my own private toilet, which is probably a godsend. But there was a lot of people like cycling in and out. And I was just waiting for my court date just to be like, hey, I didn't do these things. What can we do to like get

this fixed? But unfortunately, that takes a little bit. And I finally had made a deal like they were like, yeah, no, like, we don't have proof for the first one. Second one, the town that it was in, they actually didn't have body cam footage. So there was no body cam footage of anything. So basically, they were like, if you don't get in trouble again, just you're on probation, after probation, it falls off your record. You'll be fine. And because I'd never been in trouble before. So that was the deal I took. But in that time, I, like, they take you completely off of every medication. Like you don't, you only get the bare minimum.

If you're a diabetic, you get your diabetic needs met. And if you're like on blood thinners, you get your blood thinners met. But no psychiatric medicine. No. Nope. Which I think was a godsend. Um, I think I had been experimented on between the psychiatric, the hospital I was going to, plus my own psychiatrist and then on top of that I was smoking weed. So I came completely off of everything.

And then I essentially stayed off of everything even after I got out just until I could figure out like, okay, like I definitely need this. I don't need this. Like and from there, I just like step back up. But when I got out, it was, again, I was ashamed because I had just gone through something that nobody ever wants to go through. I didn't see it at the time, but a thousand, million percent believe it was my universe is my higher powers way of saying, hey, this is what your life is going like if you don't get your craft together because this is the path you're going down. And it was definitely an eye-opener and I didn't appreciate it at the time, but I do now.

And it's so crazy because then I felt like that was my. my reset button because like after that I had never had any more blackouts I never had like I'd have panic attacks every now and then but like I was getting better and I could see that I was getting better and you think it was partially because you got off all the medication yeah I think it was just like a complete hard reset and I actually I stopped smoking weed I didn't smoke weed for like a year I just was like I need just to figure out what I need versus what I think I need. and go from there. And so that was the end of 2019.

So 2020 was basically like my fresh start. I went, I had to go to court for the restraining order for my ex-husband. And he wanted like a permanent restraining order. He was like, no, I never want to talk to her again. And the judge was like, no, she's not doing anything bad. she's getting better. She's not reaching out to you. You're fine.

So he actually dropped the restraining order. And literally as we walked out, he waited for me outside the courthouse and we had a conversation and we actually talked. And we did try and see if like this was something we could fix. He did let me see Sylvia. He did let me, you know, spend time with him and her. And in the end, we just knew it wasn't going to work out. and it was hard. I definitely didn't want to let go,

but I knew it was definitely for the better. And, but he recognized that I did need a service dog and that I was doing better. And he was willing to give Sylvia to me, but at that point, he kind of turned her into a shop dog, so she was no longer doing service dog things.

She was just a pup per now. Um, so he felt really bad and he was like, I will help you get another service dog. And he was like, do you just need to find a litter? Find, you know, do some research. And I want to say it was like a day or two later. I just happened to find my current dog's litter.

And they breed for the military and police for Miami and Fort Waterdale. So I was actually part of their first public breed. Wow. And they were super excited to hear that I wanted to use her as a service dog. and she was pick of the litter so I got to pick her. What kind of dog? She's a purebred black German Shepherd. That was like, well, it was my dream dog and then I got my black lap.

I know, I'm so cute. You have to show me pictures. Oh, she's the best. And so I got her like in April, like of 2020. So like literally at the beginning of COVID. But I got her and just started bringing her to work. And she just instantly started following me. Instantly was attached to my head.

Yeah, they're so loyal. And I'll be honest, I was terrified, terrified to get her because I was like, oh my God, like, what if I'm doing this alone now? I'm not doing this with somebody else. And I'm like, what if I do have another episode? What if I do, you know, mess up? What if I do hurt her? Like that was my biggest fear. And like I was so, like I was hurting even though I hadn't done anything yet.

And he, God bless him. He literally, he supported me. He was like, no, you got this. You're, you're going to do better. You're going to, you're okay. You're, oh. It's like you, you're full of love. You're going to make it work.

And I, and she literally was the reason why I got out of bed and like, because I didn't want to clean up her piss or poop. You know, it's just kind of one of those things where I'm like, I don't really feel like doing that. So let me go get out of bed. And then like, once I was out of bed, like, I'm like, okay, no, I have a reason to stay out of bed. bed, like, I'll go to work, I'll function, and she came with me. And it was awesome. But through that,

like, I was dealing with a lot of depression. And I fortunately had my best friend who I met when I first moved down there, I'm going to refer to him as Jay. He was able to stay with me. And I had moved, when I moved out of that condo with my ex-husband, literally like right before I got arrested the second time, I moved into a bedroom from somebody I knew through the car community. And it was just a little room about this big. And I was me, my two cats. I had a hedgehog and then now my puppy. And I, again, I was super depressed. I was like ready to end things.

and, you know, he was like, no, he's like, I'll help. And he literally would come and stay the night and like literally just make sure that I was eating or just getting up and going to the bathroom. And what can I get you? What can I do for you? And and then, but I was still going through my psychiatric stuff. Now, granted, I wasn't having blackout episodes or or doing horrible things like that. But I was angry. I was super angry at the situation. I was super upset at my. myself, I was angry that the doctors hadn't told me all this stuff. And then also angry at the fact that I've been told all these years that it was all in my head in reality, it wasn't. And, you know, look at what it, look what it's done to my life. And so unfortunately, like,

I did take it out on him, like verbally, not physically or, but, you know, he was just my punching bag because he was my safe space. He was the only person that was around. And, He didn't deserve that and he had no, he had no obligation to stay. Like he, he has a wife and kids and, but he knew that I needed that and knew that I didn't have anybody else. And I couldn't be more grateful for him. Yeah. And so crazy enough, I continue, he helps me continue through work. I had a car, another car accident where I needed, uh,

neck surgery and I needed a disc replace in my neck. This happened July 2020. So December 2020 was when my surgery was going to be. And a week before my neck surgery, I was in another car accident where I was rear-ended on 95. Yeah, all of my accidents, other people have caused. So I needed the neck surgery. So the next surgery happened and I came out of the surgery and I was like, something is wrong. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't swallow. Then what do they do when you come out of surgery? They make you eat. They make you drink. And I'm like, I can't do those things. And they were like, oh, you're fine, you're fine. It's just because they used a hard intubation to move your throat over. And I'm like, no, something is wrong. But okay. I go home. He, my friend Jay, was taking care of me

first. Unfortunately, he had to go back to his wife and kids. So my, ex-boyfriend came and was helping take care of me. And he was like, what is wrong with her? He said that I was pale as a ghost. And I could, like I said, I couldn't breathe. I was coughing. Anytime I ate or drank something, I was coughing it back up. And he was like, we need to take her to the hospital. And my friend Jay was like, she won't go. And like, I was stubborn. And so I, I'm like, I'm fine. I'm fine. And probably three days go by. And, I that's about when I start losing my memory. I really remember asking for a shower because like shower is like my my hard reset when I don't feel good.

And I'm my ex-boyfriend obviously had seen me naked before. Don't mind him helping me shower. So I'm literally draped on top of him just standing there in the shower and I could feel that I needed to cough. And I was like, this is not a good cough. And I told him, I was like, I need to cough, but don't look. And I coughed and he's like, is it blood? And I'm like, yeah, but it's okay. And he was like, no, no, no, we're going to go to the hospital.

And I'm like, no, it's fine. If it happens again, we'll go. And he was like, okay. So puts me in bed, dresses me. And the next day, I asked for some tissues. I don't remember this. I coughed into it. It was full of blood.

He was like, nope, in the hospital, we'll go. Next thing I remember is him putting my shoes on. And then the next thing I remember is getting a chest x-ray. and it was in the ER room. And it wasn't even my doctor. It was like a group of doctors just like walking by. And they could see the little image of the x-ray on the machine. And the doctor stopped and was like,

she needs an emergency CT scan right now. And they like took me out of the room like at that moment. And it looked like I had COVID. And it wasn't. It was actually pneumonia. So pneumonia and COVID both like light up your lungs, the same way. And, but they wanted me to have the CT scan just to double check.

Well, they take me to the CT scan and they try and put my arms over my head and they can't. And I literally cough off the table like onto the floor like up blood like bad and they like pick me up, put me on the table and they put my arms down. They send me through. And I had three massive blood clots in my lungs. And they're like, that's not good. And I had to put on blood thin. and I was in the ICU for three days.

What the fuck? They literally. When do you catch a break? They literally. I'm like shocked at how many things you've gone through. Oh, it's crazy. And crazy enough, that was the, that was the key to my final answer as to why all of this stuff has been happening to me.

So they, so crazy enough, when I go to the hospital, it was my on my mom's 50th birthday. So they're literally calling my mom going, hey, your daughter's probably going to die. She has blood clots in her lungs. And she's in the ICU. She's unconscious. You need to figure out how to get down here. And it's in the middle of COVID. And New Jersey was getting locked down with New York, like every other month I felt like.

So my mom's like, I have no idea how to get down there. But I had made it through the night. And my mom had been updated. And so my mom was like, okay, I'll wait. And I pulled through. I spent, I think, like, a week in the step down. Like, I think it was in, like, the cardiac unit. And I went home.

And they couldn't believe it. They literally, like, basically gave me, like, a standing ovation when I was wheeled out because they literally didn't think I was going to make it. And all the doctors and nurses were clapping. And so I go home and I go to a hematologist because I had to be put on blood thinners. And the hematologist was like, oh, was that your first surgery? And I was like, no, this is like my sixth or seventh.

And he was like, interesting. And I'm like, why? And he's like, you have a blood condition where your blood doesn't know when to stop clotting. It's called protein C deficiency. And it's actually down to my DNA. I'm literally missing it in my DNA. And he's like, so you have thick blood all the time. So anytime you've had surgery or injections or anything, you are at risk for blood clot.

any flight that I had been on, anything for sitting for long periods of times. Basically, I was just asking for blood clots. Yeah. So he was like, this is why you have endometriosis. This is why it's the most advanced form at such a young age. This is why you've had all of these problems. My scar tissue stuff. All of it literally was answered by these stupid blood clots.

Wow. So now that you're on blood thinners, it helps all the things. issues. Yeah. So I've literally I've been on blood thinners ever since and I've had no issues. I mean, I'm a klutz, so I've like cut myself and like almost blood out and almost died a couple months ago. But other than that. That is crazy. Yeah. So all so essentially if doctors had just taken the time and stopped trying to point the fingers at everybody else and been like, oh, it's this doctor. No, it's this doctor. And just tested me. I would have had my answers years ago and probably wouldn't have gone through all these things.

And it's such a simple. Yeah. Like if you really look at it compared to what you've been through. Yeah. And it's a shame because like now I've gone through it. Like there's celebrities. They're writing about it and their books and memoirs and stuff like that. And I'm like, yeah, I've been going through this. Like why is it taking celebrities talking about this for doctors to realize, oh, maybe we are being a little mean and a little like. It's almost like hard. or horrible to say, but it's like borderline sexist. It's like, oh, you're just blaming it because I have those parts. Like I actually, I told them, I'm like, please you just take it out? And they're like, that's not going to fix it.

Because essentially when you get endometriosis, you get endometriosis of the organs that it attacks. And at this point, it's been my liver, my gallbladder, my colon, my intestines, I think also my spleen. So I'm even removing my uterus isn't going to help my problems. which is just so crazy to think because you're just like, oh, it's a female problem. Well, it's not just a female problem anymore. Wow. So, yeah.

Yeah. And I only was diagnosed in 2021 with the blood. So it's all recent. Yeah, blood clot disorder. Yep. Wow. 2021. That is nuts.

And you said that there was, with the trial drug, you said that there was other people too, that kind of. Yeah. So when I was having my adverse reactions, I was just curious and I was looking stuff up. And that was what I found out that it's used for all these other reasons. And, and, you know, if I think like I've seen like a couple, it's hard because there's so much stuff that's filtered. And, you know, what can you really believe what's being pushed through the media?

But I have seen detransitioners talk about having mental health problems that they never had prior to going on these medications. And same thing with me. Like, I never had panic attacks. I never, like, I had mild anxiety, but not to the point where, like, I couldn't leave my house. Not to the point where I was, I literally was hyperventilating and passing out because I couldn't calm down. Yeah. And I do think, too, like, unfortunately, a lot of times people have to go to multiple doctors and multiple specialists to even get an answer. And even then a lot of times they don't get an answer.

Well, and that was like, my doctor, my doctor in the end, When I had the surgery where I was finally diagnosed, he basically said, oh, well, you've seen this doctor, this doctor, this doctor. It's almost like when you're not seeking it out and trying. That's when you got your answer. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. But it was like the fact that, like, I think the only reason why my OB gave me that surgery was because I had had the colonoscopy and the endoscope and had been hospitalized essentially for a month. And like, I think if I hadn't gone through all those things, I would have had to have jumped through more hoops. Right. But it's just... And at least you have it figured out now, but it sucks everything you went through.

And it's crazy because it wasn't just physical. Yeah. It was mental as well. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because I was being gaslit in thinking that it was in my head. I was being gas into thinking, oh, I'm doing it for attention when I'm like, no, I'm in so... Yeah.

And then you went through too, like not even having control of yourself or who you were. Like, I feel like at one point, you completely just lost that. Yeah. Which is so scary. Yeah. So, I mean, because, you know, like I said, I did some really hard. horrible out-of-character things that I have to live with the rest of my life and and you know to this day I'm still like whenever I I feel like I can't even scold my my current my pup because like I just

a like I feel like she's just too adorable to you know that she gives the food. Yeah right like and I also find like when I do yell at her like my hands are behind my back like I take every step to make sure like I'm not threatening her in that way. I'm like over sensitive to it just because I don't ever want to hurt her. I don't ever want to scare her. And I'm very blessed that my baby boy, my bacon, my cat, he still loves me with his entire self. He's the one that when we were talking, I said he was on my lap and might join our conversation. He's amazing.

He's a cat dog. And he was my first service animal, I swear. If he wasn't afraid to go outside. And that to me, like really, I think helps in my healing journey because it shows like he can forgive me, you know, and he can move and understand like that that was obviously not normal. Yeah. And I have seen Sylvia's sense. We have interacted. She doesn't, she treats me, you know, she loves me.

and I've actually had play dates with Zilla and Sylvia. And it's not something I know it's hard too because I think naturally what we do is humans when we've done something in the past, whether it was in our control or not, we beat ourselves up for it. Like that's how it is. But I think too it's like part of life is going through things like this.

And I just think that we have to be more forgiving to ourselves because if not, we'll never be able to move forward and learn and grow from it. And I think, too, like you said, of course it's hard because it's something that, you know, you didn't have control over and you're hearing it from other people. So I feel like that's even harder in a way. It's like I did that. You don't even remember.

But also it creates this story. And it helps too. Like there's probably so many different trial drugs and things that or even not even trial drugs. But like you said, like regular medications. Regular medications that people are on. And these things happen that might not happen to other people. So you, it's like, do you blame the medicine? Do you not? And it's not really, it doesn't always have an

explanation, but that doesn't mean it's not possible. It doesn't mean it can't happen. And I feel like, too, like we were just talking about before, you know, we started filming, it's like, I'm sure there's so many people that have had maybe something similar, maybe not the same exact thing, but something where they're like, maybe that's why I did that, or it's not in my head, or I'm not going crazy. And I think that's important because you should never stop until you get answers. Oh, a thousand percent. But you shouldn't live with something. Yeah. And trust me, it does get disheartening.

Oh, absolutely. It's almost like exhausting because it's almost another full-time job. Right. So you're just constantly advocating for yourself. It's like, no, this pain is real, you know. And like you know your body better than anyone else. Yeah. Even after surgery, if you knew something wasn't right, something probably wasn't right.

And I always say to it, it's better to be on the safer side and like take those extra steps and be a pain in the ass and annoying and be. You know some things wrong and have them tell you no 10 times than to not get up and try. And unfortunately, now I have the inverse problem. Now I'm like, oh, no, it's not that bad. Now, I'll be okay. Like when in reality it's like very serious. Yeah. Perfect example is, okay, this is not part of my previous story, but the trial drug story.

But it's a perfect example of what this can do. And that's I cut my nose. I was bleeding. I cut my nose with a big blade, enough to the point where I needed four stitches. I lost a lot of blood. 911 was called. I was at work.

I go to the hospital. They stitch me up. Don't give me IV. Don't give me blood. Don't take my blood. Don't test me nothing. Just stitch me up, send me home. Then I keep taking my medications, which includes blood thinners.

I thinned my system out so bad. I wasn't feeling good. kept saying, oh, I'm okay. I'm exaggerating. I just lost some blood. And in reality, I had just thinned my system out and I was literally like borderline like about to die. And the like the artery that's in the back of your nose slash mouth basically like turned on and it was coming at my nose and my mouth at the same time. And it took me probably like two minutes for me to be like, oh, this is not stopping. And then I called my now ex-boyfriend and I was like, hey, I think you need to call 911

this is happening. And he opens the door. And he was like, what? He said it looked like a murder scene. Like the entire bathtub was covered in blood. It literally was just gushing out. 911 comes like they're freaking out. They're like, how we don't even know how to stop this.

And again, like I was just like super calm. Like, oh, it's not that bad. Right. Because that's what you're used to. Yeah. And then literally they get me on the stretcher. They get me to the hospital. And the last thing I remember in the ER is them asking,

will you accept a blood transfusion? And I was like, yeah. And then I lost consciousness. And I woke up two days later with four blood transfusions. And like, yeah. So it was just like, oh, maybe I wasn't okay. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, they said my hemoglobin was a six and a normal is like 11, five or better.

And then even after that, I had to be put on prescription iron pills because, my body couldn't like so normally your body takes from your fat storage and I don't have a lot of fat storage we're both very small people so our bodies take from our liver and I depleted so much from my liver that my body literally couldn't replenish my liver fast enough so I had to be put on the prescription men's yeah so that was like a perfect key example of oh I'm fine not fine oh my gosh well hopefully from here or now yeah it's a breeze for a At least like 10 years, you just can catch a break. Yeah, I'm like I got all my medical mishap.

Oh my God. That is nuts. Well, I'm glad that you finally figured it out. But that is, that's a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's, but again, like, it's one of those things where like now I'm doing so much better.

Yeah. My best friend, Jay, like I fully, like, I give him probably like 80% of the credit. Like, he was 80% of my motivation. Like, I would say like my, my, my, my, my kid. my dog was another 80% of that motivation. Like they were right there, but that other 20% was just me. And it wasn't, like, it wasn't good enough. Like, I needed to get better because I saw I was being so cruel to him.

He had, he could have just been like, screw this girl. She's crazy. I have a wife and kids that I need to take care of who is she to me. And he just sat there and took it. And he's still by my side to this day. and he constantly tells me how proud of me he is. Even my ex-husband, like, he and I are, I wouldn't say, like, we're like really close, but, like, we talk on a regular basis.

Yeah. And I feel like I keep the communication with him to make sure, like, hey, like, this is, I did this. Like, is this right? Like, or, like, you know, hey, like, how did you get through this with me or, like, you know. I feel like, too, like there's probably some level within yourself that you feel like, Not that you have to prove that that part of your life wasn't you, but it's almost like to show like, okay, I'm better now. So last March, so March of 22, I had hip reconstruction. And does it stop?

I'm just wondering if there's anything else in there. Well, so the car accident where I was already before my neck surgery, I needed, I tore my labrum and they wouldn't operate on me because of the blood clots. They were like, you need to get that fixed before we operate on you. had to actually wait 15 months from my day of accident to day of surgery. And like, I think it was like two weeks before my surgery. I actually saw him in person because he bought vinyl to wrap his wife's truck. Okay. So we just happened to see each other in person. We were just kind of shooting the shit. And we, he like literally just stopped in the middle of our conversation. He's like, I'm sorry. He's like, but he's like, you just, you're doing really, really well. He's like,

you seem like you're just back to your normal self. He's like, which is awesome. And then, uh, since my hip reconstruction, I literally feel like I got my life back and I'm traveling again. I'm like I've gone all over the country this year. I've been amazing. I think I've been on 21 flights this year alone. Yeah. So I literally feel like I have my life back and he sees that and he's like, dude, you're doing amazing.

Like seriously, so proud of you. Like couldn't be more supportive. And that feels like really good because, you know, I do know that I heard him. And like I said in the beginning. Like this is this is his story as well. And I know I did truly affect him in a really negative way. And I thought, yeah, being on the flip side of things. It is a lot to deal with too.

Yeah. And I know like I know I really affected his mental health. I know I'm not going to Dita obviously because that's his business of what I did. But like I had like a lot of guilt and I felt a lot. I think like most of my shame came from that because you know like when you marry somebody you you say in your vows sickness or health better or worse and I know that like we always joked like oh we're in this for the long run like if anything happens like one of us is just going to kill the other one and move on like it was like that was our joke and like for it to get to the

point where he felt the need to leave like I recognize now like that's how serious it was and you know again it hurt at the time but I don't blame him whatsoever and I fully respect his decision. And I know that not everyone can accept that or would accept that. And, you know, I'm sure there's going to be a lot of people that are like, oh, screw him. But I value what I have with him now. And I value the fact that, you know, he is able to forgive me as well as my mom, my mom. And I have a great relationship now. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. I mean, and it took it. It was not easy. Yeah. Everything takes time. Yeah. But it's, it's, I, I genuinely feel like I am, way on the other side of the fence and doing so much better.

And I'm definitely living my best life. And that was the other reason why I wanted to tell my story because I just, like, when I was going through it, I didn't have hope. I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. There was no light. It was just darkness. So the fact that when I found your channel, and I was like, oh my gosh, I can. I need to get all this help.

Yeah. And it was just like, you know, like I think some of my friends, like they knew, like, obviously they knew. I got divorced. They knew we weren't together anymore, but I think everyone was just kind of like afraid to ask. Right. Pride.

And to go through your whole story from start to finish, it's like you can't really do that every time with every person that asked. So it's like a condensed story. But I'm so glad that you wanted to come on and share your story. You did amazing. Thank you so much. It felt like I don't even know. I felt like I was like listening to a book or a movie.

I like, no, you crushed it. You did such a great job. Thank you so much for wanting to share it on. Thank you for giving me this opportunity. Of course, of course. And I'm seriously, I'm glad that you're you're doing better. Yeah. And your health is on the on the right stage now. Seriously.