We're All Insane - Finding My Father Dead

Episode Date: August 19, 2024

Fentanyl is a powerful synthetic opioid that has taken countless lives, and today, Delaney opens up about how it tragically claimed her father's. She hopes that by sharing her experience, she can raise awareness and help others who are facing similar battles with addiction within their families. Delaney's Links: GRASP Link: http://grasphelp.org/m/ Art Account: https://www.instagram.com/delaneyexpressionalart?igsh=c25hNmh4ZXBveXZt Art Business Account (To purchase her artwork + jewelry): https://www.instagram.com/djewels333?igsh=azIycnIzN3dwcDl0 Youtube Channel: https://youtube.com/@delaneyexpressionalart?si=q_V1i_vj-i98A0E7 If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Business Inquiries please contact: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. My name's Delaney and I'm here to tell my story of unfortunately finding my father dead from an overdose, which we later find out was essentially from fentanyl poisoning at the age of 20. My main reason to come on here was I really want to keep my dad's name alive. I want to, I don't know, just share my story, maybe help other people. I also just want to shed some light on addiction and kind of end the stigma just around, I feel like everything that goes with that.

A little bit of background on me. I grew up in Wisconsin from an early age. I actually lived with my dad's parents. They took me in probably from the age of like a baby till about like nine years old just because my dad was already struggling with addiction. My mom was going to school and working full time. So it was just not a lot of time and stuff. I have an older brother and two little sisters, but the sister that is closest in age to me, we are the only ones that share the same father. So honestly, I had a pretty good life living with my, they're my Ayan Papu. They're from Greece. So that's what I called them growing up. Yeah, they really took care of me.

My ya-ya was like my best friend. My dad was also really close with myaya. So I feel like that also made my dad. And I a little bit close still not living together. Around like eight years old or so, my ya-ya got sick from thyroid cancer. She ended up passing away not shortly after getting diagnosed. And I also feel like, again, that really spiraled my dad's addiction. My dad also struggled with bipolar and depression.

So he didn't really, I think he just didn't know how to handle things. And he, you know, just turned to drugs. He was also his best friend and him started doing it together. So it was just the people he was with as well also. So once my grandma got sick, my mom thought it would be better for me to move back in with her. And my dad, so my dad was in and out of the house, whether he was like in jail or rehab or sober. living. My mom stayed with him for quite some time before they got a divorce. So then once moving back in with my parents, we were relatively close to my papu still, thankfully, but there was a lot

of domestic abuse with just my mom and my dad fighting. Me and my siblings didn't get too much abuse. It was more just kind of my dad was emotionally unavailable. I feel like my mom was also kind of emotionally unavailable just because she was dealing with my dad and, you know, everything, right, trying to still provide for us and, you know, show up as a mom. So it was really hard. It was a lot of sleepless nights and just worrying and not knowing when to interfere also because we were pretty young. I mean, I was between like the ages of like nine and 12. I do have memories of sadly like calling the police on my father just for my own safety and my sister and also just again worrying about my mom. And then I feel like that kind of caused resentment with my

dad towards me because it's, you know, why bring law enforcement in and stuff. But there was just situations where I felt like it was needed. Yeah. And I don't want people to think it was a horrible childhood or only like bad memories. Like my dad, he was a good person. He was super funny, lighthearted, you know, really caring. He loved children. Like he just liked to, I think my dad was a kid at heart, which made him just like connect with kids more. I don't know. He was just a really good, good person. He liked to play basketball. He liked to skateboard. You know, he was just a normal person. He just dealt with stuff completely different, but I feel like that can get a lot. Like when people hear addiction, I feel like it's just, oh, they're horrible people. They steal. They

lie. And it's like, yes, that stuff does happen, but that wasn't my father. You know, deep down, his addiction changed him. I was going to say addiction changes people. Completely. And to be fair, it took me, I mean, as a kid, I was just so angry and I didn't understand. and I just wanted him to be like my friend's dads or, you know, like I just didn't get it. But obviously, after he passed away, I educated myself more and within therapy and everything. I learned it is a disease. And no one chooses to, you know, be addicted to something. It maybe could start off as like, yeah, I'm going to do this drug.

But no one chooses to continue to, you know, live that way. Like my dad was miserable. It's not like he was having fun doing this. So I kind of just wanted to say that too because there are good memories of the my dad. And for a while, we were really close. I just had to distance myself for like my own mental sanity and stuff, which was also hard. But yeah, a lot of just anger and confusion. And then so a really big fight happened. I think I was in like eighth grade, maybe transitioning to freshman year between my mom and dad. And that was kind of the breaking point for my mom. She finally filed for

divorce, which I think that also broke my dad. My dad wanted nothing more than a family. Also, my dad was adopted, so not that my grandparents are my family no matter what, and they treated him like family, but I think that also played a part in just my dad struggling to accept himself, accept his life. His sister was, like his biological sister was not put up for adoption. So I also feel like that just cause a lot of inner stuff with him trying to figure out you know, what he did wrong and et cetera. But ultimately, his mother just had him young. And yeah, and my dad had, again, a pretty good life with my grandparents.

So, yeah, the breaking point with my mom, and that really changed everything. I was kind of fed up with my dad. Him and I lost communication for, like, I want to say, like, two, three years during this time. We got my mom actually remarried. She got pregnant. I had my little sister who's like nine years old, so there's like a huge age gap. But she also really helped me get through a lot of dark times, just being a big sister to her. And we moved to a whole different city.

We were living like way up here in Wisconsin and we moved like the border of Wisconsin in Illinois. So it was a huge change for me. This was also going into my freshman year of high school. So it was a new town. I knew no one. I was dealing with all this sadness and confusion and trouble. between like my dad and his addiction and, you know, seeing my parents fight like that.

So it was really hard. I ultimately struggled a lot. I honestly got into a really bad crowd of people. I actually started to abuse pills and drinking a lot, hanging out with older kids, you know, kind of just, I don't know, trying to numb myself. I also, I just felt like I didn't fit in, but I felt like I fit in with them. So, and honestly, during that time, it was comforting for me. It was kind of like no one else is here for me, but this is, which is unfortunate, but I completely changed my life around and I've been doing really good and haven't, you know, dabbled into that stuff anymore. So, but it was hard.

It was, yeah, living there was really hard. High school was hard. And then I ultimately met a super abusive guy, unfortunately. He was also, I was, I think, like 15 at the time. was 18, so just older. And yeah, it got really bad. We stayed together for two years and I wasn't really going to school. I had really no relationship with my mom at this time because she was super mad at me, obviously. The cops had to get involved just because, again, I wasn't going to school. I was underage and I was living with this, you know, 18-year-old man. So, and it got really bad.

I was really isolated. I also dealt during that time with a lot of just mental health problems. I had to go inpatient a few times. And I feel like after the third time, I was like, okay, something needs to change because I can't stay here. He's not changing. I'm suffering a lot. And this just, I need better. And at this time, I was like a sophomore going into my junior year of high school. So also during this time, my dad went to, I think Connecticut. or New York, I can't remember, but he went there for rehab because he needed to just get out of the city, get out of the state that he was living in. And it worked. My dad was sober for two years. I don't know. I think it was a mixture of needing to leave that city that I was living in with my mom, not having a really good relationship with her, thinking stuff could maybe be different with my dad and also just wanting a relationship with him. It's not, I always, wanted a healthy, stable relationship with him. You know, I mean, any child does with their parents.

So I don't know. I thought maybe let's give my dad a chance and move back in with him and just kind of see how things go. And honestly, I saw, so it first started off with him just coming to visit me and taking me out to like go for walks or dinner, just trying to honestly get to know each other again and just kind of rekindle. the relationship, catch up on things. And it was good. I had a lot of hope. I saw a lot of, like, growth with him. I thought, you know, stuff might actually, like, be different and

continue to be different. And during this time, he was sober. You said, right? He was sober, yes, for two years. He was sober. So, yeah, I think this was, again, like my, I think it was sophomore going into junior year. So my junior year came, and I was so done with the relationship. I really wanted to be done, but I kept going back. And I was, I just needed to leave out of the town also. I was a lot of bad people. I just, there was nothing there for me, honestly. So I, again, like trying to rekindle the relationship with my dad.

I brought it up to him one day. Like, I'm really trying to just do better for myself. And I was, I said, you know, I'm wondering if I could maybe come live with you, like, down back in my hometown, which is Milwaukee. And my sister also, my sister who has the same father as me, also really didn't like Elkhorn. We also just didn't really connect with our stepdad at the time. So she also wanted to move in with my dad as well. And it originally started off. We were living with him and his girlfriend, which I think maybe at the time it was like, this is good, this is awesome.

My dad is in a, and it was a really healthy, great relationship. She did a lot for my dad and my sister and I. But I think my dad was rushing into a lot of things. Just, you know, just moving back home. At this point, he was living back home for maybe like a year and a half, living and then he met this girl. So, yeah, we all moved in with her. And it was good.

My dad was sober. He had a job. I mean, me and my sister had to go to a new school, which was hard again. But the school was, honestly, it was great. Probably the best school I've been to when I met some of my lifelong best friends from there. So I'm really grateful for that. And I don't know. Stuff was good, you know, until it wasn't.

I feel like a lot of people. I think that's how a lot of things just go. I don't know what triggered him to relapse or what really happened. I don't even really know exactly when he started to use again. My dad kept a lot of things hidden, obviously. He didn't want us to know, I think, out of hope that it would protect us. Yeah. And how was your mom fine with you guys moving back with your dad?

I think for me, she was kind of fed up. Right. Just do your thing. Yeah, with my sister, I think she didn't want her to. I think she thought it was kind of a bad idea. Again, at the time, we both thought this was the best plan or option like for us. Again, hindsight, it was looking back at it. I'm not sure.

Yeah, me and my sister, I don't know, we weren't ever really, we're way closer now, unfortunately. but fortunately. But back then, you know, and we're three years apart, so we're constantly just bickering. I was going to say, I think that's normal too. So normal. Even with my best friend, her and her sister, when I look back in high school, they even say too, like they weren't as close, but now they're super close. Like as you get older and both people mature.

It's like I think the dynamics change completely. So different. Yeah. Yeah. And now I look at her as like a best friend before I was like, you're just my little sister, you know. But yeah. Leave me alone. Right.

It's so different. honestly, I'm grateful she came with me, though, too, because I don't really know if I, I don't know what I would have done without her when it got like really bad and everything. So yeah, I don't know really what happened, but my dad lost his job, lost the car. He had like a work company car that he was driving. So yeah, he like lost all that. Him and his girlfriend obviously started to, you know, just butt heads and fight a little bit more. And was this like all at once, would you say?

Yeah, I mean, this was in the span of maybe a year. Okay. Maybe even less, maybe like six months. Because we started off like my junior year and then halfway through, we had to move out of the girlfriend's house. And we moved into my grandpa. It's quite confusing. He lives in Arizona, but he, the house that I grew up in, the house my dad grew up in, he kept it in Wisconsin. And then he let us move back into that house, thankfully.

because we would have probably been homeless, if not, because, again, my dad lost his job. My dad didn't have any, like, you know, retirement or, like, anything like that. And then so at this point, moving back into my grandpa's house, it was a big change. Again, we went from a super healthy living dynamic, and she also had a, she had three kids, but two of them, one of them was my sister's age and one of them was my age. So it was, like, perfect, you know, like another, like built and bestie. But now it was just me, my dad, and my sister. And I don't know, the house was just quiet.

Stuff was awkward. There was a lot of tension because we knew obviously something was going on. My sister was still pretty young at this point. I was fully aware of everything. But again, my dad did struggle with bipolar. So a lot of the time, it was hard for me to know, like, was he high? Or was he just, like, manic or going through an episode? Because there would be days where my dad, like, wouldn't sleep and, you know, just cleaning on end or organizing.

And again, sometimes it was hard to tell what it, like, what it was from. And I'm sure the drugs, too, only made the bipolar worse as well. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you mix those two things and it's like a recipe for a disaster. And he wasn't taking medication, you know, wasn't following up with his therapist or a parole officer. There was just a lot of things that, yeah, wasn't going on that should have been going on behind the scenes. And just with him, just staying on track.

I feel like, I feel like he also. thought after rehab and after the sober living, like he had it under control and it was behind him. But I feel like with addiction, it's a constant battle of no matter how many years you've been sober. You know, it's just constantly in the back of your mind. Yeah. Like just a struggle to continue to be sober. So, yeah, at this point, he was heavily using not working. We were living off food stamps, you know, checks from the government.

He was getting quite a bit since me and my sister were like living with him now and stuff. me and my sister rarely saw the checks, the food stamps, my dad would sell the food stamp card or cash out the money to support his habit because he wasn't working. No one, you know, I wasn't giving him money. My grandpa, his father was not giving him money. So that was kind of his way of continuing the habit. Also, it was a lot of stealing from me and my sister. A lot of messed up situations where I had to even.

and like pay the drug dealer to get my like TV back, my Xbox. Some stuff I just said, whatever, it's not even like I just don't care. Yeah. Yeah. And also I think the breaking point too for just me was when my dad sold our washer and dryer, like something we essentially need for, you know, me and my sister. But again, that was just his mindset. Nothing mattered.

He didn't think of the consequences. He didn't think how it would affect, you know, anyone very in the, moment, just kind of thing. But yeah. I'm sure at this moment your relationship, like you didn't really have one at this point. No. Okay. No.

We barely talked. He would, if he could get us a ride to drop us off at school, it would be like, have a good day. But usually my grandpa was the one dropping himself at school because again, my dad didn't have a car, didn't have his license. It was more, I was, I truly felt like the parent to him and to my sister. And for a while, I really took, I took on that role and I felt a lot of anxiety, a lot of pressure, a lot of just stress, honestly.

And also at this point, me and my sister were heavily arguing, too, because I was, I don't know, like, trying to keep her safe from my father. Not that he would intentionally harm us, but just the addiction and just, again, his- Yeah, he's been an unsafe environment. Very unsafe, his anger issues. And there was a period of time to, again, like the later years where he was bringing other addicts over to the high. house and they would use in the house. And again, times I had to call my grandpa or the police and just say, like, I just feel really unsafe. I mean, I had to live there. I had to sleep there, you know, shower and just I don't want just some random person staying in our back room, you know? And there

was a lot of that. And again, just a lot of arguments with my dad. I felt really hopeless, too. It's like, what can I do? Because no matter what, he will continue to do what he wants to do or do what he feels like he needs to do. So yeah, it was just so many mixed feelings. And at the same time, I still love my daddy. I always loved him. Always will. But again, I was so frustrated. And I just, I didn't understand. I was like, why can't you just stop? Do you not love us enough or me? You know, this was my mindset at the time. Again, now that I'm older and have really educated myself and learned about it, I don't really hold that, like, regret to him necessarily. It's more so just drugs in general. And again, my dad's stuff was laced with fentanyl. So that's like a whole other

issue within addiction and overdose and stuff. But I'll probably talk more about that a little later. So yeah, the stealing, the lying. I also felt like there was a lot of just manipulation, not that he was trying to be even manipulative, but again, he just didn't want us to know. And I also think my dad thought he maybe somewhat had it under control. So it like wasn't a problem. It's not and we never talked about it. We never talked about his addiction. We never talked about where stuff went or and I didn't know how to bring it up. It's, um, I didn't want to trigger him. I didn't want to like upset him or push him further into his addiction. And I know it's not like my fault or anything, but any little thing could have set him off. And I just, I didn't want to be the reason why.

At this point, were you, did you fill your mom in at all with what was happening or not really? Honestly, this is really shitty about my mom. She kind of cut communication for like five months. Literally, when my dad passed away, me and my mom haven't talked for five months. I'll talk more about that. But at this time, she just wasn't in the picture. Wasn't in the picture. Yeah.

I don't know. I still struggle with this because my mom still kind of isn't in the picture and it really affects me. I don't know if it's just because she has her own stuff going on or she just mentally checked out. I truly don't know. It's something I struggle with now. It's hard, right? Because like you said, too, I feel like any child wants a relationship with their parents. Right.

And that should be the norm. And especially now that my father is gone, there's no redoing that relationship, at least with my mom. There's still time to re-keld. Right, right, definitely. I don't know if she'll watch this or not, but maybe she does. Maybe it'll push her to just communicate a little more. But at this point, I've kind of came to terms with I'm done fighting and begging her to communicate and to be super present in my life.

Because it, for a while, especially like when my dad first passed away, it caused me so much more pain. And I just already had so much pain. I couldn't continue to like. And again, it was like, why am I not good enough? Why does da-da-da-da. But it has something to do with me. Right.

You like reflect on yourself at first before like really understanding. Right. And I feel like that was really. again, toxic and unhealthy for me. Because when my dad first passed away, I had a lot of regret and stuff, which again, I'll talk about more. But I feel like I'm finally at a place where I know I did everything I could. But it was really hard.

It was really hard. So, yeah, my mom was kind of not in the picture. If anything, my Papu, my dad's dad, at this point, he was also transitioning to move to Arizona, which was really hard for me. He was kind of like my only, like, stability, I guess. He was like my safe place, you know, especially with my dad and everything. So that was really hard for me during that time as well. So yeah, I like kind of took the parent role, constantly worried about if I'll find him dead, which sadly happened, or even worse, getting the call that he is dead or hurt somewhere, or maybe even not even knowing because using with other.

addicts. A lot of the time if something does happen, are they really going to call, you know, authority because they're afraid of getting put into jail or something, which again, is a whole other issue. So yeah, I was, and even when he was home, constantly worrying, constantly checking on him. Is he breathing? Because there a lot of, if my dad wasn't high, I feel like he was sleeping or sadly going through withdrawals, which I unfortunately, me and my sister both had to witness, which I I feel like that was almost even worse than seeing him high just because the withdrawals, he was incredibly sick. I mean, he looked sick.

He sounded sick. Yeah, it was super intense. And also by dad's drug of choice was cocaine and crack. So I feel like that might matter to the withdrawal aspect too and stuff. Also, just again, being laced with fentanyl. Yeah, the withdrawals were horrible. I would hear him, you know, moaning and groaning, like on the couch or in his bedroom. And again, wanting to interfere, but not wanting to.

And also, I feel like too, after so long, I honestly, I tried to pretend it wasn't even happening. Yeah. Like, I didn't want to deal with it. I did. Again, I felt so hopeless. Like, what can I, what can I even do? I've said everything I wanted to say or, again, maybe not even said anything because I

don't want to, like, trigger him. So, yeah, I was one of those things that, like, I'll just pretend I don't hear it, you know, blasting music or going in the backyard or just leave. leaving the house. It becomes like the norm. It is. Yeah. And that's also when I knew like it's getting really, really bad.

And this is also when I knew my sister needed to leave. So this was, I think going into senior year, maybe halfway through senior year, everything's kind of a blur the last couple, like honestly the last three years of living with him because stuff was just so bad. But during, so again, it was either between like sophomore or sorry, junior to senior. My sister ended up moving out because I was like, you just, you can't stay here anymore. Yeah. So she moved in with my mom's parents. We've always been close with my mom's parents, thankfully.

So she moved back in with them. And it was hard for her. Again, she had to switch schools. I mean, this is her and I both went to three different high schools in a matter of like three and a half years. Like, it was tough. So, but it was the best choice for my sister. And I really had no other option. I wanted to, again, I was in like my senior year.

I wanted to finish it off. My plan after was to like, you know, move out and just figure stuff out, which I don't know, that ended up not happening. I'm still living in the same house. But I am working and like I actually just started college in March. So that's been like super good for me just to stay on track and like be focused on something. So, yeah, so like for fast forward, like the last like not fast forward, I guess, maybe just a couple months of just, again, I don't really know what happened or how I got through, but I did. So like the last like two to three years living with my dad. So this was when I was graduating high school.

So it was between the ages of like 18 to 19. Also, this is when COVID happened. So obviously a lot of people struggled with mental or like it's spiked. mental illness and stuff and it definitely affected me and my dad a lot i mean i was dealing with severe depression i also feel like my anxiety got worse obviously during that time of and it yeah it skyrocketed my dad's mental health his addiction um so during the time of covid were you just like was it both of you just in the house all the time for the most part yes okay and i actually adopted a dog during this time which he literally like saved me i don't again i don't really know how i would have

gotten through without that. I also, I didn't have my license at the time. You know, I didn't have a car. So yeah, it was super isolating. Again, there was so much just tension in the house. It never felt like home. It never felt comfortable. And it sucked. It was rough. Again, I feel like COVID kind of is a blur to that whole year. But I do remember this is when I really started to pick up, like, my art again. I've always loved art. I've always, like, used it kind of as an escape for me, especially like after stopping the drugs and the alcohol and even just like being impatient. There was so much like art therapy that we did and stuff, which it just, I just connected with it a lot. So during COVID, I actually started like a art business, like a jewelry business.

Just I needed some motivation. I needed something. And something to do. Yeah. Exactly. Definitely. And it was something I enjoyed, you know? So.

And yeah, I lost my job because at this time I was working out of restaurant. So obviously everything had closed down. trying to get unemployment was really hard. And then again, my dad wasn't working. So yeah, it was a really, it was, it was really dark for both of us. And then also during COVID, and this was about a year and a half before my father passed away. So my father passed away December 8th, 2021. So this was, yeah, probably like 2019, 2020. My father overdosed twice from fentanyl poisoning. Thankfully, I was home and I know, because again, I would check on him just periodically. So I noticed like the first time it was both, both times before the initial death, it was like in

the living room and he was on, we had like two couches in there. The first time he was on the big couch, second time he was on like the smaller couch. And he was just kind of like slumped over. And I just initially knew like something's wrong. He would. And that was from the drugs being laced, right? Being laced. Yeah. So every time. that I'm aware, and I'm sure my dad overdosed when I was young, but I don't, you know, no one told me about that. I don't know about that. So all the times that I am aware, it was because it was laced with fentanyl, which is also, and this, again, just shows addiction because my dad would continue to buy from the same person again and again and again.

Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at American Criminal.com. Knowing it was lace, you know. But again, that was just... Just to get your hands on whatever you can, yeah. Exactly. And also, this person lit, like, my dad could walk to them.

You know, he didn't have to take the bus or find a ride. So it was convenient as well. But at the time, I didn't know it was laced with fentanyl. until, you know, we go to the hospital and they do a debrief on everything. So those were, the first time was super traumatic. I've never experienced anything like that before. I was actually when my Yaya passed away, so my dad's dad, I was in the same room with her. But again, I was really young. I was like nine when she had like took her last breath, so I don't really remember it in detail. This is my first, like, adult death grief that I've, you know, I've ever dealt with.

But back to the first time you overdose. So yeah, I was really scary. I immediately, like, called 911. And they were like, you need to, like, you need to lay him, like on the ground or lay him. First, I wanted me, I had to move his body from the couch to the ground, which that's hard. My dad was, like, six, five, six, seven, pretty tall, slim guy, but big. I'm, like, four, three. or no, sorry, not 4-3. That's, no, 5-3. I don't have a lot of muscles. And that was really traumatic. He was not breathing. He was, you know, lifeless. He wasn't, like, super cold or anything, but he was really pale. It was definitely on the verge of, like, not being able to be resuscitated. So they, like, explained to me how to do CPR. And at first, I told him, like, I don't think I can do that. Like, I don't think I can literally, like, I don't think you understand right now. Like, he's not breathing. and I don't feel comfortable doing that. And they were like, I know, sweetie, but like, you know, you need to walk you through, whatever, whatever.

Thankfully, I had to do it for maybe like a max of like five, five to ten seconds because we live really close to the fire department. Like, it's like literally a block away. So they were there pretty fast, thankfully. But that was awful and traumatic, just seeing him, touching him, everything. And then, you know, they get there and they're like, you know, move to the side. Like, move to the side. Are you okay?

And I'm like, no, I'm not okay. I don't even know what's happening right now. And they resuscitated him with Narcan. I think they had to do it like twice in each nostril. And then they immediately like took him to the hospital. And I was just left speechless. I remember calling my Papu in Arizona and I explaining what happened. And I'm like, you need to figure out like what hospital he's at.

Like I need to go make sure he's okay. Because again, at this time they weren't really telling me anything. I'm just kind of the daughter. They even asked like what's his? like parents phone, like his mom or dad's, like, phone number. So, yeah. And then at the hospital, nothing was said about anything. He didn't bring it up.

I think he might have a couple days later said something of like, I'm really sorry you had to like witness that. But he, I think at the time, too, I just wanted acknowledgement. I wanted a thank you. I wanted like just any. I mean, the, I'm sorry you had to like, as that was something, but I just wanted it needed more. And I don't think he understood how much this messed with me, again, just with the trauma, my anxiety, even like just developing like PTSD

from that situation. And then for it to happen, literally, so that first overdose, I think was like 2019 in like August or April. And then the second overdose, again, from fentanyl poisoning was in April of like 2020 and then my dad passed away a year after that. So there was some time between the overdoses, but not much. And again, it's kind of truly a blur. Like after the overdose, I think, again, I was just so focused on graduating high school. 2019 is when I graduated. So I just had a lot going on trying to figure out life after school. And obviously nothing went as planned just because I felt like I couldn't leave my dad alone or by himself. So then about six months, like, after that overdose, he overdosed again, which was in the

living room, just on the opposite couch, same kind of position, just like slumped over. And I, at first I, well, after I felt guilty for having this thought, because my first initial thought was like this again. Yeah. Like, are you kidding me? and also at the hospital with my dad's first overdose, they offered, like, they offered treatment. And if he wanted to go inpatient or go to rehab, and he denied, he said, like, no, I don't need or what. I don't know exactly what he said, but I know that he denied the help they were offering him to receive.

Again, which my dad was just super lost in his addiction. And still during this time, you know, having people over and again, me just feeling unsafe, kind of just felt more of like, Not even a roommate. Again, it still kind of felt like the parent and child roles were switched. And yeah, I had so much anger too and resentment. I remember not hating my father, but just wishing stuff would be like, quote unquote, normal or different. Again, still, I think at this time, too, I was still wondering, like, why am I not enough? Like, my sister moved out. Is that still not enough for you? Is almost losing your life? You know, still like not enough to do better. And my dad got really lucky. Most people, my dad had like three chances. You know, most people don't even have one or two. So, and I think, I don't know, he just, I also think he didn't really understand the seriousness of it all. Or maybe he did and couldn't admit it or truly come to terms with like, I really need to do something, you know.

And I think my dad did definitely, he wanted to be sober and wanted a different life. I just think he wasn't ready to fully give it up. I think, too, it's like making that commitment to get sober, it's almost like you know that you have to go through the withdrawals and that it's easier to keep getting high, I think, than to go through that pain. Definitely. Yeah.

That's honestly a great way to look at it too. It's not like it's an easy just like, oh, stop, you don't have to do it anymore. When you're that deep in it, it's like it gets worse before it gets better. Definitely. What you said before as well, even when it does get better, With addiction, it's always something that's lingering in the back of your head. Yes. And also, too, my dad continued to hang out with the same people, the same habits.

Right. It's like, how do you get out of that when that's really all you know? All you know. Right. But again, at this time, I wasn't thinking like that. Yeah. And honestly, I don't think a lot of people do think that way if they aren't familiar with it or open-minded to, like, and it's not an excuse for it, but it's just, in my opinion, the truth of how it is. And why it's such a big issue.

Right. And I feel like it helped me understand more. Yeah. Because again, I stopped internalizing it. It wasn't about me or my sister or anything. It was truly just about my dad, his addiction, his mental health. And just, yeah, I love that. And I appreciate you having that open mind because I've always been not fearful of telling people how my dad passed away.

But there's always that chance of judgment. Or like I said, they hear addict or addiction and they have this mindset. of like, oh, it's a homeless person on the side of the road. That's horrible. And that's not the, like, it's, it's really not the case. I mean, someone could have an addiction and literally be like a billionaire owned a company. Like, you know, you just never know. Some people just can function. My dad was not a functioning addict and some people can be. And I think for a while he was, but then it just became so much. And I think he was almost living a double life and who wants to live a double life, you know? So yeah. And then, yeah, the second.

never know. It was kind of the same thing. Immediately called 911, ran over to him. I kind of knew the rundown now. So I immediately like put him on his back, tried CPR. They also say you should like move them like once they receive Narcan to move them. But again, we didn't have Narcan in the house. But this is just information. If you do have Narcan and again, have no someone that like struggles with this, you're supposed to like roll them onto their side so they don't like choke on their vomit. Right. But again, it was awful. And I remember like one of the, like, one of the of the fire department, like one of the men said, he was like, weren't we here, like, last year or something? And I was like, yeah, you were. And then again, you know, them just asking me like, are you okay?

Are you hurt? It's like, I'm not hurt, but I'm just so not okay from everything. Yeah, mentally and internally. It's like, no, I'm not okay. No. How could anyone be okay from this? Again, just more trauma, more PTSD, like more anxiety from that. Once again, he denied treatment. And once again, we didn't talk about anything. And I think at this point, I wasn't even, I think I knew we weren't going to talk about it. So I still wanted it, though. Again, I just wanted some acknowledgement of, he didn't even have to say, sorry.

I just wanted him to be like, aware. Exactly. And again, I wanted him to understand how much this really was affecting me. again, kind of just a blur. I think at this point I definitely graduated. I was just working. I became a nanny after COVID happened, which also loved that. I feel like that saved me too.

And you can come if you want. She's like, God, her girl. I know, she loves to cuddle. And also being a nanny gave you some purpose, you know, the kids looking up to me caring for them. And it was good. It brought some light to my life. Also, I was, like, trying to find a new therapist at this time, too. So I remember just stuff was hard, just, again, mentally.

Just trying to get through each day, you know. So then this is kind of, like, the last two or three months before, like, my dad passed away. Because, again, stuff got really bad. But, again, at this time, I wanted to believe him. I wanted to just take his word for stuff. I wanted to believe he was getting better and he was, you know, going to N.A. meetings and just stuff like that because my dad did try to go to N.A. Like, he was trying.

But again, I think it was, like you said, it was easier just to continue to get high rather than, you know, really doing this. And it is like a lifelong commitment, too, of staying sober and, you know, working through everything. So this is like maybe like two, three weeks, maybe even a month before my dad had passed away. He said he was going to go up north with a friend to like do some work. Because at this time, my dad was not working a real job, but he would sometimes take just like side jobs or like cut people's lawn or just again, random stuff to get money. But again, I thought he was doing better. I don't know. again, I think I just wanted to believe, like, he's going up there for work and it's nothing

suspicious. I think in the back of my head, I knew, like, maybe just be a little bit. Yeah, like, the chance is there. Exactly, especially. I don't, like, why are you going up north? But whatever, again, too, I think I was just trying to pretend everything's fine. It's what it is. So, yeah, I thought he was up there working.

And we stayed in touch a little bit when he was up there because, again, I'm just kind of checking on him like, hey, how's stuff going? What have you been doing? I mean, he was sending to me pictures. Like, it looked, it looked pretty legit. And I wouldn't find out till later that he was up there using with this guy. Because I found out from his sponsor, which, again, I didn't even know my dad had a sponsor, like at his NA meetings. Again, we didn't talk about really anything that dealt with his addiction and stuff. So I was clueless, but this guy showed up to his memorial because we had like a celebration of life for my dad. And thankfully a lot of good people came and one of them was his sponsor and he went up there to like speak about my dad. And he brought up like

those because I guess my dad reached out to him because he said stuff was getting bad up north. He owes people money. The using is getting out of hand and he like he doesn't know what to do. And his sponsor offered to like go pick him up. He was like, do you need a ride? I can come get you. And I think my dad was like in the Dells or just somewhere like up north in Wisconsin. And my dad was like, no, I have a ride tomorrow and I'm going to go stay back with my daughter. And he messaged me like that night. And I think he just said like the guy he was with like wants to keep working or wants to like do another job. And my dad's like done or something.

So I was like his excuse to come back and stay with me. And I kind of gave him an ultimatum. I was like, yeah, you can come back and stay here. But no drugs in the house, no usey and no random people over. And that was the first time I've directly like put your foot down. Yeah. And let him know I know what's going on. And again, I knew he knew what was going on.

Like the first time you were like vocal about it. Yes. And it was kind of empowering. And he took it. It sounded like he was taking me serious. He was like, yeah, I know like I've been doing better. That's not going to happen. You know, da da da da da.

So I'm like, okay, whatever. I'll take your word for it. So like the next day he comes back home. And he was normal, like stuff was fine. Like, he wasn't really giving me any, like, clues of, like, whatever had just happened up north and stuff. So then I think, again, that was, like, a week or maybe three weeks before he had passed away. And no one was over. I didn't see or hear him use.

I didn't see or hear withdrawals. He was working with this other friend who they actually have the same name. They're both named Mike. And this guy was one of like my dad's true good friends, you know, because my dad had a lot of friends, but they were more so just using together. So the night before my dad passed away, I knew something was wrong. I actually, my best friend was over at the time and she knew my dad pretty well sober and not sober because she's been my best friend since like seventh grade. So when everything was really going on with, like, my mom and him and stuff. And my dad was just, like, in my room, like, kind of just talking to us, like, a little bit more than normal, being a little bit more just, like, jittery.

But again, my first thought was, like, he's just manic right now. Like, it's whatever. But my best friend, she, she's a nurse. So she was like, I think he's, like, and she told me in private once he had, like, walked away. And when she was leaving, like, we were outside. And she was like, I'm not trying to, like, you know, upset you or make a big deal about. something that it might not be, but like your dad's acting kind of weird. Like, I think he might be on something. And I think I even like said like, oh no, he's probably just manic. It's probably

nothing. Because again, at this point, I really wanted to believe stuff was different. And again, for those week and a half, two weeks of him being back, it was. And I'm sorry if I'm saying like different weeks. Again, it's kind of all just a blur, blur. But I remember it being like relatively soon that he passed away after coming back from up north. So then my friend left and me and my dad kind of said like, good night, you know, see you in the morning. Because at this point, we were saying at least good night, good morning to each other. You know, we were, he was trying, I was trying.

I was trying to not be so angry. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. And I just was trying to be nicer too. I felt like for a while I was really like standoffish with my dad, almost kind of just like bitchy honestly because again I was just I was just so fed up I didn't know what to do I was sick of pretending also I mean that was exhausting just pretending everything was fine with him and I and just with him so yeah we said good night I went to bed and for a while this really mess with me because I feel like I should have done more that night I should have asked more question you know the what if scenario after he

passed away. I thought about all this stuff. And honestly, it drove me crazy for like the first year because I was like if I would have just talked with him more that nighter, I don't know. I just that's what our minds do. Right. Hi guys. Today's episode is sponsored by Rocket Money. I am sure there has been at least one time in your life when you have forgotten about something you have subscribed to, whether it was like a certain TV provider, certain apps for your phone, literally anything. But I know me personally, I forget all the time what I subscribe to. and it ends up wasting a lot of money. Over 74% of people have subscriptions that they've forgotten about.

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That's rocketmoney.com slash all insane. Rocketmoney.com slash all insane. Now back to today's episode. Maybe just to have a different outcome of this situation. But it is, you know, it is what it is. You can't even think that way because it's not like that was something that you did previously. And even if it was, like, we don't know what's going to happen. Right.

And we can't, like, we can't blame ourselves because all it will do is drive yourself crazy. Exactly. And ultimately, I feel like if, let's say I did save my dad that night or that morning or whatever, it's not a guarantee it wouldn't have happened again. Exactly. Yeah. So, but again, it took me a while to believe that, to come to, to accept that also. I feel like grief and acceptance is so freaking hard because it's like, how do you accept something you're not okay with? But again, in therapy, I've learned you can accept it and not be okay with it. You know, you're just accepting. this is the reality of what has happened. Right. Like you can't change anything now. Right. Exactly.

So, yeah, and then I titled it literally the day of my real life nightmare. But in the morning, I woke up, got ready for work. My boyfriend actually was there to pick me up that day and take me to work because, again, I still was working on. I was in too bad car accident, so I had a lot of anxiety with, like, driving and stuff. But this time, I was, like, working through, you know, getting a car in my license. still didn't have it. So my boyfriend picked me up from work. My dad's light and like his TV was on. So we thought he was just kind of like getting ready for the day because I knew he had work that day with his friend named Mike. And then and I think I was in a rush that morning to, you know, just trying to get myself ready. So like I didn't say bye to him. And again, for a while, I had a lot of regret about that because that's something we started doing. And yeah, I just didn't do it that day. And I didn't know that would be, you know, the last time I would see him or speak to him was the night before.

So I'm not like, I think I was on my lunch break or so. And I, at this time, yeah, I was working with kids so couldn't really be on my phone a whole lot. And I was on my lunch break and, you know, just checking like my messages or whatever. And I was kind of surprised my dad didn't text me. Usually he would have or he would even sometimes he would send me like a quote from like the sober app he had. And so on like two days before my dad passed away, he sent me like a sober quote about like how our our mistakes and our failures like don't define us or something like that. And I, it just broke my heart that he passed away like two days after, you know, because again,

I think during that time I knew how bad it was, but I didn't know how bad it was because again, we didn't really talk and I was trying to pretend everything was fine. And then him sending me those quotes and I was like, you know, he's really trying. he's really doing better. So it just really broke me. And again, that showed how much he really did want it to a point, I feel like. So yeah, I'm on my lunch break and his friend texts me and he's like, hey, I'm at the house. You know, your dad's, he's not answering his phone. He's not answering the door. He was like, I hear your dog barking because again, I had my dog there with my dad. And also my dog loved my dad. My dad took really good care of him, especially when I was working or just out and

about. So I was like, yeah, that's super weird. Like, that's, that's not like him. And my dad was super just like on time for stuff or early, like always just ready. That's how I am too. So it was weird. And him and I were kind of going back and forth of like, you know, what do we think we should do? I can't really leave work. I can't leave these kids here just like by themselves. The parents, you know, not working from home. So they were like actually at work. This is a tough situation. So we were like, let's have a welfare check done just because I don't know what's happening. You don't know what's happening. And there was no way for like my dad's friend to get into the house without like breaking anything and stuff. So we had a welfare check done. The police went to

the house and they kind of like looked around. Unfortunately, all of the like blinds were down. So there was nothing suspicious enough for them to feel the need to enter or like to legally enter. So they didn't enter. They said they didn't see anything suspicious. Maybe he's just sleeping. And I even, I think remember saying to my dad's friend, like, you need to tell them to look at his record. Like, he has a record of overdosing. And I think they also said, like, Lili, if I'm not there, they cannot enter. And I literally said, do what you need to do. Like, I just need to know, like, what is going on? But ultimately, they didn't enter. And I, after I had a lot of anger with that, because I was, like, again, this was my mindset of, like, what if they did enter and they could have saved him and stuff would be

different. And then I wouldn't have had to be the one. Or even if they couldn't. save him just then they would have found him and like not me and stuff you know um so yeah that was really frustrating and again i was at work trying to take care of like three kids so it was just it was stressful i was free and at this point i was freaking out because i knew something was wrong um and i just kind of had to stick it out through work five o'clock came around i ordered an uber because again i wasn't driving that felt like the longest time waiting for the uber i lived like nine minutes from the place I was working at. And that nine minute drive literally felt like an eternity. I remember just sweating, freaking out. I was calling my grandpa and I was like,

something's wrong with dad. Like I'm not home yet, but I know something's wrong. And he was like, you know, trying to reassure me. You don't know that. Maybe he's just haven't been on his phone. And I was like, no, something is, you know, definitely wrong. But everyone was just trying to keep me calm. And I think everyone also wanted to not think worst case scenario, but I've already seen worst case scenario happens. that's all I could focus on. Yeah. And it just wasn't normal, especially for him to not at least text me back or at least like read my messages. Because again, at this point, I was calling him, texting him, just freaking out. I remember saying, like, don't let me find you like borderline dead

again. Like, I can't deal with this. Like, I need you here. Um, you know, just let me know you're okay. Like stuff like that. Obviously, I never received a message. But so I get to the house and, um, I remember I remember just like trembling, you know, with my keys, running to the front door and opening the door and my dog's there and I feel bad because I'm just like bypassing him running to my dad's room and that both doors were closed. My dad had to his room, there was like two doors. Both them were closed and I immediately, again, planning, unfortunately, for worst case scenario, I just opened the door, bused through and he's laying on the bed. Again, slumped over almost like same position as on the couch, but he's like fully laying back because it's on the bed. And he still literally has like a cigarette in his hand, the lighters on his lap. There's like foam coming from my dad's mouth. The crack pipe is shattered on the ground. And it was awful. My first initial thought, honestly, I've talked about this in therapy a lot because

for a while I thought I was like insane or messed up or something. But my first initial thought was like, I just wanted to scream and punch him. Like I don't, I think I was just so angry, so devastated. I didn't understand why, again, this was in the moment. I obviously don't feel this way now, but I didn't understand why he would, in the moment, it was kind of about me. I was like, why would he do this to me? Why would he let me or make me go through like all of this again?

But then I also, I wanted to hug him. I wanted to like touch his face. And I don't know, because that was like the last time I, and I think I knew right away, like, there was no chance of resuscitation between the foam and his lips being purple, his hands purple and blue, just completely. It looked different than the previous overdoses. It was really, it was just different. And I think, again, this is all happening so fast. Because I think I, like, ran in there, saw him and, like, immediately just, like, ran out and obviously called nine on one. And I, I remember just screaming, like, I think my dad's dead. Like, he overdosed. I just got home from work. And they were, they repeatedly asked me. This was the first time they asked me this, which was, I was like, what?

They asked me. They were like, is he beyond help? Like, do you think he's beyond help? And at first I was like, I don't know. Like, can you guys just come? Like, I just need you guys to come here right now. And they were like, we just need to know if he's beyond help. Like, and I was like, I don't know, but I think so.

Like, he hasn't been answering all day. I have just gotten home. It's like 530. at this point, you know, I was like, I just kept saying, like, I don't know, can you just like, please come? Like, I'm freaking out. And then again, we live super close to the fire department, so it took maybe a matter of like a minute or two for them to come. And I literally heard, like, the sirens from the phone, like, translate into real life. And again, I'm just, I'm hyperventilating. I'm freaking out. I am trying, my dog's also freaking out. So, like, I'm trying to calm him down.

I put him in, like, the back room because it was just, like, so much to deal with. And I don't know. I just remember crying, not believing it. And I remember I was asking them, I was like, are you going to help him? Like, are you going to like, he needs to be helped? And as soon as they went in there, they were like, there's, he's beyond help. Like, there's no way we can resuscitate him. The EMT said, just by the look of him, he's been deceased for quite a few hours. So that was awful, devastating. I felt like my world was literally falling apart right in. in front of me, my heart literally fell to the ground. And I remember just, like, just sobbing, just on the ground, just crying. And the EMT is like, you know, I'm so sorry for this, you know, them asking, are you okay? And I remember one of them saying, obviously, she's not okay. And I don't know, it was just awful. And they were like, you know, you need to call someone. And I was like, I don't even know who to call besides my, like, my papu, my grandpa. And they were like, you should call your mom. And I'm like, me and my mom haven't talked in.

five months, I don't even think she knows what has all been happening, you know? And at this point, again, my sister wasn't living with us. So I wasn't sure if she was really communicating with my mom about everything or not. But it was awkward. I did call my mom. My mom was the first person I called. And she actually, she did pick up, which was kind of weird because we weren't communicating. But I think maybe I never call her. So maybe it was like something really is up. And I really just said, like dad's dead like I found him when I came home and this was also weird because my mom and dad had a really toxic relationship my mom had a lot of anger obviously and resentment probably towards my dad um it wasn't the most comforting call I think for that reason I think she also didn't really

know what to say we haven't talked in so long and yeah so it was it was it was a little bit um awkward. And then she actually like called my papu to confirm because I could not tell him that his son had just passed away. And also this was a day before my papu's birthday. My papu's birthday is December 9th. So I'm like, great. That's like a horrible forever memory he'll have to deal with two. And then afterwards, you know, my uncle called me because my papu called my uncle and then my papu called me. And it was just just so much. And at this point, I'm sitting. in the kitchen with like the policemen and they're asking me a little questions of just you know how did everything happen and I'm like I literally don't know and I kept telling them like check his record he's

overdosed before like this isn't the first time and they were I don't know just trying to comfort me but I think it's also a situation no one knows what to say and me being the daughter I think they all just I could just feel them just like feel sorry for me you know which made me more sad because I'm like this is actually like super real there's no going to back. Yeah, that I don't even remember how long it was from finding him to just like waiting and being in the house because we had to wait for the medical examiner to come and people had to come take pictures of, you know, the quote-unquote like crime scene. They also did call it a crime scene, which also just made me ball more because I'm like, this literally like can't be happening

right now. And I think I was just in such obviously shock, disbelief also because it happened twice before and he was saved. So I was like, why is this time so different? And yeah, I just, the best way I can describe it is just literally doom. Like, it just, it was awful. I've never, again, experienced a feeling like that that I remember and recall, like super late into my life. And I've been through a lot of stuff. But yeah, this was awful. Just, like, crying. And I texted my boyfriend and my friend, and I remember, like, my best friend at the time was still my best friend now, and I remember just saying, like, you know, he's dead. I think I said it so blatantly, like, he's dead, like my dad's dead. And everyone was just like, what, what? And Nate, my boyfriend

actually, like, came over that night to the house with me because I couldn't be alone. I, again, the family I'm super close with, they all live in Arizona. My mom, her and I aren't talking. And also at this point, she had moved to Illinois. So she was also in a different state. I didn't want to talk to my little sister about this. Like I, you know, like, gosh, that was also an awful conversation after to have with her. Um, so Nate came and I literally told him, I was like, can I just please stand outside? Like, I just, I cannot be in this house anymore. Like my dad's lifeless body is a room away and I'm just sitting here just crying. Like, it was like a really suffocating feeling and yeah, it was just awful. So Nate got there and we kind of just sat in his car. I don't even remember if I

said anything. I think, again, just hysterically crying. trying to process everything. Again, not sure how much longer, but the medical examiner finally showed up, and she kind of explained, like, I'm going to go in there and kind of just see what happened, take pictures, and then once we're done, we'll come back out and kind of give you, like, a rundown on, like, the next step.

So that was also awful hearing, because it almost sounded like this was her normal or, like, which it is, this was her job. But to me, again, it was like, what do you mean? You're going to go see what happened and then come tell me the next steps. Like, I don't, like, again, still just trying to process everything. It was just so much. And again, I had so many mixed feelings.

I had anger, disappointment, sadness. I mean, pure just like devastation. Yeah, it was just really bad. So they go in there. They're in there for like 10, 15 minutes. And then I see them like bringing my dad's body out on a stretcher and getting ready to put it in a body bag. And I remember just like looking away, like, I can't see my dad, like, go into a body bag. I don't even want to see his body again, you know. It just crying.

And then they roll it out and, you know, bring it to the ambulance. And then I get out of the car and the medical examiners, like, it'll probably take a couple weeks for a full autopsy. But it definitely looks like an overdose. But we need to like see what's all in his system and stuff. Again, at this point, I didn't know it was from fentanyl. I thought it was just an overdose. And then she kind of gave me like a flyer, like a card of like a social worker and just some numbers if I need like resources. I wish I would have because the first year I think I was just so numb and shock. It was hard.

I couldn't talk about it without hysterically just crying, like not even being able to finish a sentence. And it was a really isolating year. like the first year after, so I didn't reach out for help until sometime after, which again, I'll talk about because my grief group plays a huge part into my grief journey and just trying to recover from this, which I don't think I'll ever fully recover, but just to get through it. So, yeah, I get out of the car with the medical examiner, and yeah, they say that. And then I think I even said, like, so that's it. Like, that's it.

And they're like, yeah, if you need it. anything, you know, you can call this number, we'll be in touch. And I told them for the autopsy to please contact my grandpa because I just can't deal with all this stuff. And that was kind of it. They left. I remember, like, me and my boyfriend went in to the house and I'm, I'm like saying to my dog, like, I'm so sorry, but I can't stay here tonight. Like, I just need to leave. I'm sorry you had to see that. I remember throwing random stuff into a bag. My boyfriend closed, like my dad's doors because I didn't want to see it. Also, for some reason, they had left, like, the crack pipe there. I thought maybe they would have, like, cleaned it up or something, but they just left it there, which was really

triggering for me having to go back into the room and kind of relive everything again. But again, I've never been through anything like this. This is just what I expected to happen. So, yeah, I just pack random bag. We go to my boyfriend's house, and again, my phone's just blowing up. Because word spread, especially social media word word spread so fast. It took one post on Facebook from, I can't remember if it was my like dad's on and off again girlfriend at the time because also he had, I didn't say this. It's not really relevant, but he was with this girl who was really toxic for him after he relapsed. So just another kind of toxic relationship. So it was either her and I, her and I had a lot of problems, but it was either her or her.

like his best friend, Mike, who he was supposed to work with that, like, made a post. And then instantly, you know, everyone's messaging me on Facebook. People are calling me and I'm just so overwhelmed. I actually since have deleted Facebook because I just literally, it's just, it was just too much for me. I appreciated people reaching out. But it was just a lot for me to deal with. And I also, people, I think, again, what do you say in this situation? So people are kind of just saying what they think is the right thing to say. And a lot of it really wasn't. It wasn't. It wasn't. comforting, it wasn't helpful at the time, at least. And also the constant memories of just, like, you know, Facebook memories of like a year ago with your dad or even just having the desire to,

like, look at his page and just, like, cry for hours. I think maybe if I come to a point to, like, look back at that in a lighter, happier note, but for the first year, it was, I just couldn't. It was really devastating for me. And also a lot of people were saying, like, it'll get easier over time. And I am here to let everyone know it does not get easier. You just learn, you literally learn how to deal with it. You adapt to the new life. Every day I'm in pain that like my dad's not here. But I don't know, because a lot of people said that to me. I have this hope that it like would get better. But it just, I don't know, it doesn't. And that's not like a depressing way either. But I think it's just the reality. How could it get better? You know, I think as time goes on, it. not lessons, but it's not as fresh. So the feelings aren't as intense. But I, like, I mean, I'll be three years this December, and I could still say it hurts just as much as it first did, you know?

I don't know if that's comforting or not comforting, but I was just frustrated when people were saying it'll get easier in and just stuff like that because also you just don't know. And for some people, maybe it does. And maybe it will for me. I'm just not there yet. So yeah, that was a lot. Again, the first, so that's kind of finding him, everything leading up to that.

And then I kind of just want to talk about like the first, because the first year to the second year are so different. The first year, I think you're still in, at least for me, I was still in shock. I was still, again, trying to just process everything. I was also trying to still be a person, figure out my life. I still had to work. I had bills to pay. And that's the other thing. There was a lot of stuff to figure out after my dad passing.

My dad didn't have any like financial stuff because, again, he really wasn't working and stuff like that. But just me transitioning, living alone in a huge house, the transition of just everything. Everything was the first year was a huge transitional period for me mentally, physically, in life in general. at this time again still I was trying to find a new therapist I was like going through insurance changes stuff like that it was the first year was really isolating I felt like I just couldn't show up in the way that I obviously used to yeah be able to um but I took I took time for myself I did jump back into work right away but I feel like I'm a person who I thrive off routine and stuff like I needed that you know I needed to work I needed to have a study schedule

and stuff like that. That helped me a lot. And then randomly maybe like, so my dad passed away in December, I think this was like February, March, April, sometime around that time, the fireman who saved my dad's life, like the first initial overdoses.

Also at this point, there's still no autopsy. We're still waiting to have everything figured out. We had his memorial in January, which was lovely again, and a lot of great people came. And it was just so awesome to hear good stories about my dad and just hear and see him in a different light. And just to see how much he did impact other people

in a positive way. I think that was also really healing for me. And then me and my sister also made like obviously like a board for him, which that was also in a way healing, just looking at pictures. And seeing my dad as a kid and him before everything happened. And just seeing him smile. And again, the good memories because I feel like,

They can kind of get swept away or lost in like all the trauma and everything. So yeah, a couple months after he had passed away, the fire, like the fireman came to the house. They were actually giving out Narcan kits for free, which I thought was awesome. They said they were kind of just going around the neighborhood and seeing who wanted or needed them. And they remembered me and remembered my dad. And they were like, is your dad here? And I was like, no, like my dad. And then I started just crying because, again, this is so fresh.

And I'm like, no, he passed away in December from an overdose. And they were like, oh, my gosh, we're so sorry. Like, are you, like, getting help or, like, for this? And I'm like, honestly, not really. I explained, like, trying to find new therapists and stuff. And they were like, well, we have, I don't know her direct terminology, but I call her, she's like a resource lady. So she kind of, they said she kind of helps people in different situation find resources

for their specific situation. So they gave me the card and, you know, said sorry. And they were like, do you need the Narcan kit? And I was like, no, like, I'm, you know, I don't do that. And it just, it's not needed. But I said, I love that you guys are doing this. More free, accessible stuff like this needs to be talked about and known about. Because, again, I feel like with addiction to, a lot of people are afraid and shameful

of getting help. Or it's costly also. I mean, rehab. Like, when my dad was in rehab, my grandpa was bad. pain. Macapoo was pain for everything. So there's a lot that goes into it. But yeah, I thought that was awesome. And I reached out to the resource lady. And literally, like, within a couple days, she found this grief group for me. It's called Gras. It's G-R-A-S-P. And it stands for grief recovery after a substance passing. So it's specifically for people, could be drugs or alcohol,

all even, specifically are people who lost someone to, yeah, addiction. And I emailed her. She got back to me right away. They had a meeting set up, I think, like, a week after, like the next week. And I went. And I mean, it literally changed my life. The people I met there have impacted my life tremendously. I don't think I could have gotten through the first year without the grief group.

And then eventually I had found a new therapy. and I'm still currently working with him and he's great too. But the grief group was so specific for what I needed. I think it really, really helped me. My grief group leader, Jill, she's amazing. Her and I have gotten really, really close. She sadly lost her son to addiction. There's like two other people there who have lost a parent,

but most of them have lost a child to addiction. And the grass group, I asked her, and she said it's in the USA and possibly Canada. You can literally just type up on Google, GRASP, like, grief recovery, and they'll have the website and resources of where they are, emails. Because I, and it's free. It's completely free, which again, we need more stuff like that. I've never heard of a grief recovery group or like anything like that. So if anyone else, again, is going through grief from a substance passing or maybe even if you're struggling with addiction,

grass can have a ton of resources for you to use. And again, it's completely changed my life. I'm still going. I don't go as much just because, again, so much happens between the first year and the second year. I'm at such. And again, this year will be three years in December. So I'm just at such a different place. than when I was when everything first happened, I have healed a lot. Again, I don't really struggle

with, like, the regret at all, really. I just struggle with, obviously, the desire to have my dad here for stuff to be different, for the outcome to be different. I have a lot of trauma and, like I said, PTSD from the whole situation, even just my childhood of seeing things, you know, a child should have to see between my parents and just with my dad and everything. everything. But grief, yeah, the grass group changed my life, working in therapy. And it's not even, like, I've put in a lot of work within those things. And I've also put in so much work just within myself outside of therapy, outside of grief group. Again, just trying to educate myself on everything, doing healing things. You know, I've read so many grief books that actually have really helped.

And a lot of the grief books I've read have, like, resources within them, too, or just like exercises to do. because I feel like it's one like you can go to therapy and do this stuff but if you're not actively putting in work outside of it and even in it and during you know you just you won't see a lot of progress but again it wasn't easy and for a while like the first year it's not that I didn't care to get better I just thought I couldn't I thought it'll always feel this way how again how could it get better um how could I and for a while was like how can I live with this how can I live every day feeling this way and certain days, I still kind of feel like that, like, wow, I literally have to live my whole life with

this. But it's also, it's changed me too, and it's changed my mindset. I'm so much more appreciative and grateful of life, of being here, of just conversations with people, just little stuff. Like, my dad passing reminded me, like, life really is short. Tomorrow is not promised. The next hour is not promised. Don't stress so much. I'm such a big stressor and such a big, you know, a lot of anxiety and worrying, but like there's so much more to life and to really stop and smell the roses. And it's hard when so much is going on in life and in your head. But life is beautiful and it is a gift. And I didn't think that way before. I just didn't understand the value of life, I think. And not that I am grateful my dad passing.

has changed my mindset, but it has helped me. You found, like, the positive in it. Out of it. Yeah. Right. Like the light, because every dark situation, you have to find something or you will literally just drown in it. And again, I feel like for the first year, I was drowning.

And then I came to a point where, like, I owe it to myself to get better to heal from this. And I owe it to my dad. Like, would he really want me to see me struggle and cry? And again, not that I don't struggle. and cry, but I was so just, right, I was so just, this is how it always be. But that's just not the case. And I think, too, another really important thing about the group that you were talking about,

it's like, it's one thing to go to therapy, and I think therapy is great as well. I think, you know, doing both hand and hand are great and both great resources. But I think having a therapist to talk to and just open up to is great, but then having a group where people actually have been through like the same thing and can relate to you. I feel like it's a completely different type of therapy. It is. And I think that's why it's important to utilize both or every sort of resource that you can find, whether it's reading and that group and therapy and whatever else that comes up.

But I think that I can be really helpful and help you not feel so alone in what you're going through as well. And that's exactly it because again the first year I was like, no one understands. Yeah. None of my friends had a parent who struggled with addiction or alcohol, again, at least not to my knowledge and not to the extent of passing away from it. So it was really isolating. It was a super alone feeling. And again, the stigmatization about addiction and stuff like that. And yeah, the grief group, it was the first time I felt super understood.

Yeah, and probably more comfortable to actually like share and talk and not like you felt judged it anyway with your situation that you were going through. Right. It was, yeah, it was a super, yeah, comforting, safe place, safe place to completely be open about everything. Because even, like, with friends and stuff, it's, well, my best friend, she knows everything. But, like, other, you know, it's, again, I don't want them to judge or to have this ideal of, like, what addiction is and what my father was like and stuff. Because, again, there's so much more. It's so much more than that. And my dad was a good person. And if it wasn't for the drugs, my dad would have. have thrived in life. My dad, again, he was super good at basketball. Like, he probably could have seriously been in like the NBA or something. He was really passionate about it too. It can be really easy to kind of shut yourself off from the outside world. Yes. And not want to open up and just want to battle everything within ourselves because that can feel easier. But then I think once you're able to kind of break out of that shell and accept help around you, not that that's that easy at first

either. But I think once you're able to kind of start that process of healing, you start to realize like, okay, what's the light in the situation? How can I start helping myself and also kind of spreading awareness and helping others? And that's exactly what you're doing now. Right. And it really has to even been all that long. Like you said, it's really been what, like a few years. Yeah. So yeah, as time goes on, that's only going to get, I think, better. And it's only, you're only going to become stronger from everything and feel more healed. And it's not about forgetting or having things get easier. It's just about, I think, getting further in your healing journey and feeling a little bit better and more like you have a better understanding of what happened and where you are now and how it has impacted you in both positive and negative ways. Because with everything that happens in life, it affects us good and bad.

But I think it's just about how we handle it and react and how we can learn from it and help others ultimately as well. because that's what you're doing by coming and sharing it on here because addiction is a very real thing and a lot of people deal with it whether it's with themselves or with parents or friends or anyone in their family, children. So it's important to talk about because I think it is something that, you know, if you don't understand it or if it isn't talked about, it's very easy to judge and not understand, which is stupid because I think that, you know, the more we shut off to things that we don't get, the more it's, and the longer it stays a problem.

which is in good. Right. And then also to just to like kind of correlate back to the fentanyl. That's also addiction is a huge problem in the world in the United States especially, but the fentanyl crisis is another huge factor again in the world and especially in the USA. Because if it wasn't for the fentanyl, my dad would still be here. Like each time he overdosed, there was not like the medical examiner, like the autops of people, there was not enough cocaine in a system or crack in a system.

to essentially pass away. The fentanyl essentially like killed my dad like almost, you know, because you still know what you're getting. Right. You don't. Yeah. And that's what I mean, that's what I think anybody should know because even in general, if you think you're doing something innocently and you're not in some deep addiction yet or in general, you don't know what you're getting. Right. You know, that's why you to be so careful. Yes. And I know they offer like fentanyl kits and stuff. I know some of them aren't super accurate, but some of them are. And like I said, there are a lot of resources out there to use safely if you need to use. There's also my grief group talked about the, it's called like the never use a loan hotline.

I can like send you a link for that too because people can literally call them and they don't get police involved. They just kind of ask you like what you're taking, where you're located. And I think they can even like track like pinpoint where you are in case you like stop responding to them like on the phone and then they can have someone come. And I think there's mixed opinions on that. Some people are like, why are we giving their resources to use? But no matter what, again, people will use regardless.

So I think we should at least try and have it be somewhat of a safe, like. Conversation. Right. And not just, again, throw them into jail too. Because also a lot of time my dad was arrested. And I think he should have been into rehab or to a mental hospital rather than jail. Something that can like help. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. So, again, I feel like that's also another topic and situation. which again, I think, fueled into my dad's addiction and just not getting the help that he truly needed. And then also started kind of circling back to like the first year and the second year. Because like last year for me was the second year. And I feel like everything was a little bit more real. Everything was a little bit more intense, like anniversaries, holidays, you know, stuff like that.

It was like, wow, he's like, you know, really not coming back. I'm still again pretty early on into this year. But again, even with my accomplishments that I have, it's hard because I want him to be here. Again, and not even like we were super close when he initially passed away, but we once were, and I wanted it to be that way again. And I think, too, like you know that the potential would have been there if the addiction wasn't an issue. Definitely. Or like if the addiction was ever gone, like, what would you really be? relationship be. And I think it like once again, just so easy to play into the what ifs, which you just

can't do. But it's so hard not to. Right. But it's almost like you have to realize, which I'm sure at this point you know and have told yourself a million times. But he's watching over you. He's looking after you and over you. And the only thing you can do is kind of continue to thrive and live and share his name and his, you know, his addiction and the path that he was on. But also like, I guess once again kind of help other people and the resources that are out there and why addiction can be so, you know, not can be, but why it is so important to talk about and share and why it is so dangerous and bad because it can start. So I think it can start as something that you think isn't a big deal.

And then before you know it, you're just down a path that isn't simple to get out of. And it affects everybody around you. It does. There's, it's like this quote that like addiction kills the addict and also like the one, like the family and the ones around them. Because it does. I mean, my dad's addiction and I didn't go too deep into it because again, I wanted the main focus just to be about like finding him. But it caused a lot of like I said tension in the family arguments, especially with like my yeah and papu. My papu was always a little bit more hard, a little bit more stern on my dad and my Yahia was a little bit more giving, almost enabling in a way. But I mean, that was her. kid, so she just wanted to do what she felt like she wanted or needed to do for him. And there was a lot of division between like my grandparents because, yeah, my puppy was like, we can't keep helping him and this and that. But again, I think it's hard. Right, that's her son and she doesn't just want to give up. And again, that was my dad. I couldn't just give up. And there was a time,

like I said, where I had to like put up boundaries and like kind of distance myself. But I was still constantly going through this battle of like, I want to be there for him, but I need to make sure my mental sanity is okay. And you're also not his parents. So it's like, how do you act like one? Right. And I still needed a dad. I was still a teenager. Yeah. I mean, even being an adult, you still need, you know, your parents. So yeah, it was, it's hard and it's been a journey. Right. And like you said, I have also too, what kind of has helped me is knowing like my dad is at peace. he has found his happiness. He's not struggling.

Shuggling. Exactly. And sometimes I'm like, well, dang, but we're all kind of still struggling down here without him. But again, it wasn't about me and my family. It was about my dad and his struggles and his life and what he was going through. Yeah. And something that I feel like ultimately in that moment, he had no control over.

Yeah. But I'm so grateful that you wanted to come on and share your story and his story. and I think you did an incredible job, honestly. And I think there's so many people, like I said, that can benefit from this kind of story, whether it's a friend or a family member or even themselves that struggle with addiction. Right. Because it's very real and it's something that should be spoken about. And it's a very important topic.

So thank you so much for wanting to share it. Seriously, you did an amazing job.