We're All Insane - Forced into Child Labor

Episode Date: November 10, 2025

#foryou #podcast A childhood built on fear, control, and unthinkable loss—followed by years of silence, survival, and the long fight to reclaim her life. Tana opens up about the darkness she was born into, the strength it took to escape, and what healing really looks like after a lifetime of trauma. Links: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org/ PHP vs IOP: What’s The Difference? https://thebridgeway.com/blog/php-vs-iop-whats-the-difference/ The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker & | Hachette Book Group https://share.google/J8ErtTuzmLl7wFixF https://www.linkedin.com/in/tana-jo-almand-47b1b9149?utm_source=share&utm_campaign=share_via&utm_content=profile&utm_medium=android_app 00:00:00 What happens psychologically when a child grows up working instead of playing? 00:02:15 How does witnessing tragedy at a young age permanently alter your brain? 00:04:32 Why do children of abusive parents confuse control with love? 00:07:05 What does it mean to be a parentified child forced to raise yourself? 00:09:20 How can trauma make you forget entire years of your childhood? 00:12:00 Why do some survivors still protect the people who hurt them? 00:14:45 How can emotional neglect feel more damaging than physical abuse? 00:17:05 What happens to kids who are never told “I love you,” only “work harder”? 00:19:32 How does growing up in isolation distort your sense of normal? 00:22:00 Why do abused children develop hyper-awareness and people-pleasing? 00:24:15 What are the long-term effects of being treated as labor instead of family? 00:26:42 How does chronic fear wire your body into constant survival mode? 00:29:10 Why do victims of control struggle to trust anyone, even after freedom? 00:31:35 How can one traumatic parent shape every future relationship? 00:34:20 Why do some survivors still feel guilty for escaping abuse? 00:36:58 What does it do to a child to witness violence toward animals or siblings? 00:39:45 How does manipulation disguise itself as religion or discipline? 00:42:12 What happens when the justice system fails children in abusive homes? 00:44:50 How can therapy re-traumatize you if the wrong person is listening? 00:47:05 Why do abusers often seem charming and respectable in public? 00:50:12 How does financial control keep families trapped in cycles of abuse? 00:53:25 Why do children normalize chaos when peace feels unsafe? 00:56:40 What survival instincts form when love and fear come from the same person? 00:59:15 How can dissociation protect the mind from unbearable experiences? 01:02:00 Why do kids in abusive homes learn to read energy before words? 01:05:20 How can losing your childhood make adulthood feel like constant catch-up? 01:09:00 What are the hidden costs of being the “resilient one” in a broken family? 01:12:45 How does guilt follow survivors even when they did nothing wrong? 01:16:30 What happens when trauma becomes your entire personality? 01:20:15 How can siblings experience the same abuse but remember it differently? 01:28:10 What does forgiveness actually look like when the pain never stopped? 01:36:00 What’s the psychological toll of being silenced by family loyalty? 01:43:25 Why does healing feel lonely after growing up in constant crisis? 01:51:00 How do religion and shame intertwine in abusive households? 02:09:40 What are the first signs that you’re finally healing from childhood trauma? 02:36:00 What does it mean to turn lifelong trauma into meaningful purpose? Topics: Childhood Trauma, Narcissistic Parent, Survival, Abuse Recovery If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me DeVora. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, I'm Tanna and today I'm going to tell you a little bit about my history as a forced child laborer who missed fourth, 3th grade, and is now getting a PhD. So I was raised on a cattle operation. We had both beef and dairy cattle.

Some of my first memories were literally just like hanging out with livestock. So I was born in Arkansas, and we lived there for about six years or so. The big push to move to Oklahoma was because there was, there was a family farm accident that resulted in the death of my little brother. And so I essentially witnessed my dad run over my little brother. It was a really horrific thing to witness, especially as like a four-year-old. So you were four and how old was your brother?

He was two. And we were like the same size because I was a really like stunted baby. I'm just like not big in general. Tanny Giro. Yeah. And he was like the opposite. We were very close. But that, like, that was a very traumatic and, like, pivotal thing to witness as a child.

But then to take it one step further when my parents, because, like, the accident happened, my mom, like, ran out. They picked him up and took him to the hospital and left me. on the farm with our farm hand. And like I can reflect back now and offer some softness to myself. But at the time I was so scared because the farm hand had been molesting me. And so it was like not only did I just like witness like this horrific event because essentially my dad had backed over my little brother's head.

So there was like blood everywhere. And thankfully, the doctor said that he passed, like, instantly or within seconds. So, like, that gives me a little bit of, like, comfort. And it was, is that your only sibling? It was just you two? No, there's actually a whole litter of this. Okay. So I'm fourth.

So I've been two older sisters and older brother, me, and then my little brother, who's deceased. And then my dad knocked up one of his girlfriends when I was. 15. Okay. And so there's like six of us in total. And then there's like step siblings, but I don't know. I don't really. But yeah, so that was like, that was really, really challenging for me. And the next memory I have is like at my little brother's funeral, I freaked out. I could not. I just remember being like not understanding why. I mean, yeah, you're still. You're still. You're so young. Yeah.

And to see that is like it is very traumatizing. And then it's crazy because like after that I essentially have like no memories until it's about 15 months later when we were getting ready to move. So we moved from like Bittenville, Arkansas to Veneto, Oklahoma. So it was just like two hours away. And honestly like that's kind of when things really went down here. My dad has always been like an aggressive, I don't know. I never felt safe or loved around my father.

And so I think after like the death of my little brother and then the move, he kind of just like blossomed into like this even worse being. So we in 2000, we moved to Oklahoma and we expanded our beef and our dairy cows. So by doing that, it essentially, that was like me and my siblings' life was taking care of the farm. So after we moved to Oklahoma, I was six. We'd stop going to school, all of us kids. So that was in 2000. And a typical day for us would be to wake up milk cows, take care of all the bottle calves, all the weaned calves.

and then me and like my sisters would cook we would like do the laundry we would wash the dairy towels you know we would go out we would build fence we would bail hay and you know we rode horses we took care of beef cattle we had horrible fences so almost every day i was on horseback like bringing cows back into our property. And so, I mean, every day, like, we worked day in and day out. After we moved to Oklahoma, my dad, like I said, he, like, I swear it was just somebody poured gasoline on his fire kind of thing. And I think a part of that is because we expanded our operation so quickly. And what was your relationship like with your mom? Yeah. So that's, like, complicated. I've always loved my mother. My mom and I have always been close. She has always been,

like, when I say close, I can go to my mom and I can like describe, like, for example, if I'm sick, my mom is really great at that. But like if I'm like emotionally sick, right, it's just, like, there's a disconnect there. Yes. And so there's always kind of been that, like, void between us. But it's nothing against my mom. It's just like my mom was also getting. a lot of like my dad was really abusive towards my mom. And even in the context of their relationship coming about, like my mom was trying to end things and my dad wouldn't let her and then she got pregnant. And then it's like, oh, well, you know, here you are.

My dad is extremely controlling. And so like, for example, after the birth of my oldest sister, my dad was like, I can do this. And the rest of us were born at home with like a midwife. Wow. And there was a really serious complication with my little brother. And had he not been born when he was, his umbellic cord would have, like, strangled him. Or whatever, I'm not. Yeah.

And so it's just like it was very dangerous. And, but yeah, we were all born at home. My mom told me she was smoking cows when her water broke with me. Literally nine months pregnant. Yeah. And like, she had to be like, hang on, like, I'll get back to you guys later. I'm like, I'm sitting here thinking like, I'm weak. Oh my gosh, mom.

Yeah, that is funny. Yeah, so like my dad, I was always normal for my dad to like berate my mom. And like I watched him backhand her multiple times, like bloody her like lip. And it was all over like very trivial things. Like, for example, there was one time we were heading to go do some Sunday dinner. And I had mismatching socks on as, like, a seven or eight year old. Which is normal. Yeah, like, I was just a kid.

And I remember he got so mad at my mom. And we lived on, like, it was about five miles of dirt road to get out to hit highway. And we lived about 20 minutes, 25 minutes away from town. And we were about four or five miles down. the road and he kicked my mom out of the truck and made her walk in like middle of summer heat after she'd like milked all the cows and like gotten all of his kids ready and everything all because I had miss smashing socks which like that definitely impacted me because I saw like oh I made one little mistake and now mom is going to have to walk it's like suffering for

Yeah, and so I just feel like his anger was just multiplying or I don't know, I don't know what his deal was, but it just got worse. And so that's where it's like my connection with my mom was very much so, like, I need you to survive. Right. And then not to mention my mom was a buffer. And so like when my dad would kind of come after his kids, my mom would definitely try to like diffuse the situation. So it was about like 2002-ish. We had been living in Oklahoma for a couple years. We had a little over 100 lactating dairy cows.

And so that took quite a bit of time to milk because we can only milk 10 cows at a time. And so like our entire lives were wake up, work, serve a little bit of sleep. Like that was our entire lives. We didn't get to, like, study. I didn't do any schoolwork. Were you homeschooled at all? No. My oldest sister was trying to teach me how to read,

which, I mean, automatically, it's like parentifying her. And I remember I could not figure out what I was doing. And she got so mad at me. I was just like, okay. But then it's also like a 12-year-old teacher. You know, like a six-year-old how to read. That's not. And so there's definitely a lot of complexity in my relationship with my siblings.

But around this time, so we've been there for a couple years, I, this is a very pivotal moment in my childhood. We were, it was wintertime and we had hay in the back of the pickup. And we were flaking it off for like the cows and the horses. And the horses had come up and had started eating. and had started eating the hay, and my brother and I were still, like, feeding it. And my dad got so mad at me because I didn't keep the horses back from the hay,

just because there was a newborn baby calf and the horses could potentially part it. And my dad, I won't ever forget this. My dad jumped out of the pickup and grabbed me and was like, I can replace you. but I can't replace that baby calf. And he had like reached into the flat bed and we had like tools and stuff. And he grabbed a hammer and had like pushed me up against the side of the truck bed.

And so like I remember just like cold because it's wintertime. It was like the metal was painful. It was so cold. And he just weighed like I mean just put the head of the hammer in his hand and just beat me. for the horses, like, just coming up and eating hay. And that, I, like, that has always kind of, like, stuck with me, mainly because it was, like, it was, like, two weeks after that, like, I could barely sit on the toilet seat.

And in that moment, I think I realized, like, oh, okay, I am here for one purpose and one purpose only, and that is to work. Yeah. And so. Like there was no, like, love or emotional connection. No. And I remember looking up and my brother was just like watching it happen, which, I mean, he was a kid as well. But it was just like that. That was the norm. And so, I mean, like later on that following summer, there was an issue with the cows and it had delayed my siblings and I feeding the bottle babies. and my dad was drilling seed in a pasture he could see us.

So he could see that we were still feeding calves, and we were supposed to be done, and we weren't. And he called my mom, made her come out there, and he stopped the tractor, and made her, like, discipline us because we were running late, which my mom was, like, really upset doing because she was like, I'm so sorry. and she like swung super fast and then just like kind of like barely made contact and of course like as kids are crying because like mom doesn't ever do that and I'm like confused because I'm like we were

like when the reason why we were late is because like my mom had an issue with the cows and we helped my mom and so like my mom then like had that like I think I'm assuming she probably had a lot of guilt about that but that was like another like kind of just like another like another their realization for me that was like if you're going to survive this like you you've got to be you've got to be smart like you've got to you've got to figure out essentially I've figured out what he wanted and what he liked and I did that and I have a good question for you going back a little did your parents know it all about you being molested by the um no I like look back now and it's like, oh, I just like, just put that away in a box.

Also, once again, you were so young, how does a child comprehend or understand what is being done to them? Yes. And then to take it one step further, my, this is weird, like my dad always made us kids sleep in the same bed as him. So, like, I remember sleeping with my mom and my dad, like, as a child because my dad would want us kids in the bed with them. Like my mom didn't.

My mom was like, please go. Yeah. She's like, get your sleep. And I like, and this is something that I, this is a memory that, uh, haunts me. But I like, have this vivid memory of watching my dad have sex with somebody in the bed next to me as a child. And I remember thinking to myself, like, don't move your sleep. like just like close your eyes just don't you know like it's not happening kind of thing um and i like

i don't even i don't even and it wasn't your mom i don't know i like i have just like it was quite literally like i opened my eyes and i could hear sounds and then it it it was like my brain was like okay you shouldn't it is something was like your sleep just pretend to be asleep pretend to be asleep pretend to be asleep because like this isn't I knew that it was something I shouldn't be yeah I was like this is weird and I'm asleep and it's like you know I don't think I mean not that he really was caring about your well-being but even just seeing that like something not being done to you into being your parents or if it was somebody else who knows but point is I like it's still something that's so traumatizing.

Like I just feel like it's so confusing. And I think in a way it almost does plant this seed of like, what is that? Like I feel even though I'm a child and I don't know what's happening, like I can feel in my gut. Something's weird and wrong with this. But like it's not happening to me. I just think that there's so many different layers to that and having a child be exposed to that at such a young age that just.

Yeah. And it continues. Yeah. And especially after my parents get divorced. Like he was very weird about that. Like he even wanted my youngest little brother and to sleep with like him and his girlfriend in the bed. And my dad's girlfriend was like, why?

Like, it's weird. I don't, I don't understand that. But it's like, it's something that like still impacts me to this day. Absolutely. Yeah. And I also want to mention. So my dad was like extremely abusive towards animals. And like he would yell and berate us kids and he'd like slam us around and he was definitely abusive to us.

But the level of anger that I witnessed towards animals was insane. Like I remember being six years old and we had a Holstein steer in a shoot. And I don't know what they were trying to do. but they couldn't get a hold of him. And my dad literally picked up a metal pipe and hit the steer over the head and killed him. And then our farm hand cut out the steer's tongue and went to go fry it.

Like this was all just happening like right in front of me. That moment was very much so like, okay, if you make dad mad, that's what's going to happen to you. And so I think that that also like, that fear like seeing him treat animals the way that he did like that definitely um impacted me and like i have always been an animal person like my mom she would tell me that she would lose me as a baby not like lose me but like as like a toddler um and i would be out like sleeping in the horse's trough like trying to put my binky in our horse's mouth we had this big old horse named donk and he was like

the best kid's horse. And I swear he was like a babysitter for me. And either that or like, I remember one time my older sister got in so much trouble because she lost me. And then they found me sleeping with the dogs. Oh, so I've always been like, I've always sought comfort in animals because they were my peace, right? Before we moved, I went to pre-K and I was given a chicken. My mom was so mad Because the chicken came into the house with me, right? This chicken did everything with me. Like there's pictures of me eating cereal with the chicken.

Aw. That was your baby. It was my baby. And then like being a little kid, I was like, oh, I think it's hot. And I put it in a freezer. My mom was very mad. It pooped everywhere. I'm sure.

But yeah, that's kind of always been, like, I've always been a lover of animals and I've always sought comfort in animals. And so, seeing the way my dad was with them was really, really hard for me, especially when, like, our entire livelihood was dependent on livestock. And just to clarify, so for some people listening, so your family, that was, this was your business. So people would buy dairy and meat from you guys. Okay. So we would sell, we sold our milk in bulk to local creameries. Got it. And then we would sell off our weined calves.

And we actually did a lot of advanced reproduction with our dairy cows. And there are quite a few Amish and like Midnight communities. in that area and they would purchase a lot of our hosting bowls. Okay. So, like, we had a lot of, like, diversified, a lot of diversification within the operation. But, yeah, like, our entire livelihood was kind of banking on the farm. Because I, and I wanted to clarify that, because I know, like, if some people aren't familiar with, like, farms and the way it works, but even the comment that your dad made

like I can replace you, but not, it was a calf, right? Yeah, he can, yeah, he, yeah, he can replace me. Yeah, so, like, and I feel like, like, in his mind, it just goes to show, like, all that mattered to him was, like, money. Like, just, you know, keeping it all flowing. Yep. Yeah, that's very much so. He, like, he approached the farm as if, like, he was the warden and we were.

His little slaves. Yeah, literally. Absolutely. My siblings and I would joke around and we're like, yeah, we're on farm arrest because we could leave. We couldn't go anywhere without permission. And like we didn't go to school. So it was literally just on the farm all the time. And that was from 2000 to 2003. That was the normal, like wake up work, nonstop. Yeah. And I'm assuming you guys had no outside friends or anything. The only people that I knew were my family members. And so that I definitely think that that level of isolation really impacted my siblings and I. Granted, my dad took my two older sisters showing. So they would take some of our nicest cows and then go compete and show them.

So my sisters did get a little bit more socialization. from that aspect. But then they also had to be around my dad. Yeah, I was going to say even then, it's still not like the typical childhood at all. No. And my sisters, like, they told me that my dad would essentially, like, they'd get the livestock taken care of and he would leave them in the hotel and go do, like, Yeah, his own thing.

Whatever he wanted. And, like, on one of those trips, my sister, my older sister, she's always been, like, a fighter. Like you, and she's the kind, she'll cut you before you can cut her kind of thing. But she was fighting with another boy there and had broken her arm. And it was like a serious break. And I remember my mom telling me that like there were multiple people who tried to tell my dad to go help my sister. And my sister was just sobbing, right? And she's like 12 maybe.

He ended up taking her to the ER and they're like, we're going to need to do surgery on this because she broke both bones. My dad was so against it. He was like, why would we pay for that kind of thing? And my mom convinced him to let a new feed representative who we just met. He works for like a company we bought feed from. Drive my sister home like two and a half hours at least. They just met this man. And then on top of that, my sister's in a very vulnerable position, and she's in a lot of pain.

And my dad literally was just like, well, yeah, here take her. He wanted her, like, out of sight, out of mind. And that was, like, one thing that, like, actually really upset my mom. Yeah. Because I was home with my mom helping her do all the chores and stuff. My mom can be very vocal when she gets upset, so I heard a lot. And yeah, so that was like a big breaking point from my mom. And not too long after that is when they actually split up.

And how was that easy for her in a sense of like, did he? Oh, buckle up. So it was, okay, so there's actually a few more things. So my dad was like blatantly abusive to us, like to the point that like my mom's parents came over and I won't ever forget this. My dad was screaming at me because I had missed a cow or something or I didn't get, like that was just something I didn't do. And I was like eight or nine years old. And I remember like he was just like I, you know, he was yelling at me and he's like, I had to beat your ass. And I remember my mom's, my grandpa, my mom's dad was like, essentially

he was like, you do not speak. to your kids that way. Like, uh-uh. And then, fast forward, like, a little bit of time. And, like, the same day, my dad had backhanded my mom or something in front of my grandpa. And that's when my grandparents were, they told my mom, like, if you're going to stay with him,

we're going to disown you because we're not going to sit here and allow him to treat you in these kids this way. And that was when my mom was like, okay, wait, like, I got to get out of here. And even my oldest sister asked my mom, she was like, why do you let dad treat you that way? And that's when my mom was like, oh, wait, okay, hang on, what am I teaching my kid here? Right. One day my mom went to go get groceries. And I vividly remember I was laying on the floor in my bedroom, trying to read a book.

And my mom came in. And she's like, I'm leaving your dad. You have three minutes to get your things if you want to come with me. And of course, like me and my sisters are like, I'm not going to the car here. Literally, I don't need anything. And so I just like threw things in a suitcase, which like looking back now was like Barbies. And where was your dad? Was he working?

So he was, yes, he was on the property and he was about half mile from the house, Bush Hogan. So he was like clearing out the field. And yeah, my mom was like, okay, like if we're going to leave, we have to do it now. And she had showed up with two sheriff's deputies, my uncle, my grandma. And so it was kind of like a little, it was like a, they came, like they showed up with full intention of conflict. Right, absolutely. But fortunately, we were able to get all of our things out, or not all of our things, Jesus, all of us. I remember my mom was so mad at me because I just left with no shoes.

It's like, you're not leaving me. Yeah. So did all of the siblings go? So, yeah. So we all, I mean, within minutes, we like have our things. We're in the car. We're leaving. And my dad realizes it.

My dad comes up to the house and he's talking to the deputies. And he, I won't ever forget this because I was in my mom's car. and the very back of the minivan, and I was looking at the window, and I was just sobbing because I was like, I don't know if I'm ever going to see my calisian. And like, that was my life. All of those animals were my life. I was like, sobbing. And my dad calls my mom. And we're driving, I mean, literally had just turned off the driveway and her driving down the road. And he told her, he's like if you don't come back i'm going to kill myself and i remember hearing like i remember hearing that because we all got silent when he called and all my mom said was i'll stay on the phone until i hear the

gun go off and i was like damn ooh and like she was done yeah i was like well i'm sure too he was probably flipping out like all of his little workers are gone like what is he going to do oh yeah that's So we hide out for six weeks in the middle of nowhere, Missouri. I can't tell you whose property we were even on. My sister had just broken her arm. And so this was like a few weeks before this. Like that was, I think, a big push for my mom to leave my dad. And we had to go to a doctor's appointment for my sister.

And my dad had found out. And I won't ever forget this because this was like the first time, first or the second time, we left that little trailer that we were saying in. And all I know is that, like, my grandma and my mom's boyfriend at the time are, like, rushing us out, the cops are showing up at the hospital. And I, like, didn't know what was happening. And, like, my mom, I think it was my mom that had stayed with my sister because they were, they were able to, like, keep my dad away from them.

But then us, like, the other three of us kids had to go somewhere else with. like my grandma, my mom's husband, and it was, like, looking back, I was so scared. I was so, so scared because I was like, he's going to catch us. He's going to catch us, and we're going to have to go back out there. Fortunately, he didn't. And we, after staying there for a bit, we went to stay with my grandma. And that was, it was like the first time. Like, I remember being like, okay, this is what it's like to be a kid. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder.

Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. And how old were you when you guys left? Nine. Okay. A nine.

And there's like two years between about 18 to 24 months between my siblings and I. Okay. So it was like 15, 13, 11, 9. So we were, like, we were pretty young. But then like we, so we're saying with my grandparents, the divorce process starts. And it was long and grueling. my mom ends up enrolling us in school. I got put in as a second grader and I'm nine.

And of course, like, we all struggled. And on top of that, we are, you know, we are, I remember it was like I was just waiting for the shoe to drop because it was like this limbo. And we had like started seeing my dad again. And during this time, my dad actually sold all the dairy cows because he couldn't keep a hired hand. So my dad has an issue with paying people. He wants them to work, but he doesn't want to pay them. And so nobody wanted to work for him.

And on top of that, like, it's hard work. And so he had sold the dairy aspect of the operation and invests. in the beef. And so he bought like two semi-loads of beef cows from the cell barn. And it's just like anything and everything. Like you get like whatever. And at that time, like we had started doing visitation at his house. And I remember those cows were wild.

Yeah. And because our livestock were like we could walk through the herd. could feed them and walk through them and nobody would come at you like they were all pretty calm and docile but these cows would like eat you for breakfast oh my god i just remember being like oh this is a different game yeah okay this is a real rodeo and like there were times like we were processing them so vaccinating them deworming them all that there were times where my siblings and I almost got severely hurt because we were, we didn't have the infrastructure to handle these freaking beasts.

Literally. I mean, there were cows that cleared our panels and it was like, I guess we'll catch it next time. Yeah, it was, I like look back at it and I'm like, oh my gosh, like the things that my siblings and I did for my dad is insane but then also to factor in all the times we almost severely got hurt. It's like there are so many times I was actually talking to my friend about this on the way here to her.

It was like something in me told me to move to do something. And it's like I didn't think I just did it. And it's like had I not done that, I would be like. severely injured if not dead. And do you think that he had any remorse about what happened with your younger brother? So that's one thing that's like really hard for me. Um, is because like, so my dad has told people he like did it on purpose. Um, so like he told my mom that something had to go.

Um, but the only time I really feel like my dad would talk about my little brother was in a, manipulative way. So like for example, there was one time I put my foot down with him and he was like, I can't believe you're going to do this after all with Tanner. You're going to put me through this? It's like... Right, like he would use it when it was convenient for him. Exactly. And it was just, it is really hard. And that was like something that was always just, it was like a really, really sore spot. And then for me, there was like the extra level of complexities of fact that like I saw it. And my older brother had told me it was my fault when I was six or seven. And that, I think, did something to me about that.

It was, yeah, it was, I mean, it was, it was, it was really, really hard. And that's like the hard part is it's like, I don't know what's true and what's not. in relation to like his why or like why he would even say like oh yeah I did that on purpose because like even if you didn't and it was a pure accident why would you say that about your child he's sick like literally like why would you say that about your child right um and it was declared an accident by the the police came out they declared my little brother's death an accident we actually were able to donate his corneas and a heart valve. And we actually had received a letter from the family.

So that I think was really good for my mom. Yeah. That was my mom's baby. But I do want to mention this, and this I think drives home just like how careless my dad was. but when my little brother passed the church that we were affiliated with set up like a fund for people to donate for like funeral expenses and things and that money was supposed to go towards my little brother getting a headstone and my little brother didn't get a headstone until 2013 or 2014 because my dad's parents ended up buying it because they were

like this little boy has been buried here since 1996, or 1998, and he has a license plate as his like headstone. And I remember after my parents split up, I remember meeting my dad, like my mom and I meeting my dad at the funeral home to discuss a headstone. but they never could saddle on it. And then the money was just not there. So I don't know what my dad did with the money, but my grandparents ended up getting the tombstone or the headstone for my little brother years later.

Like years later. So like to me that just speaks to like where his concerns were. You know, he wasn't concerned with honoring his child. Like what did you do with that money? And that was like $14,000 in 1998. And that's like one thing is like it's so, so difficult around my little brother because he was the only child my dad taught them how to get onto the tractor from behind. so up the hitch instead of on the side up the ladder.

And so it's so, yeah, it's hard because it's like I don't know like what his intentions were. But I do know that my older brother was like the namesake. You know, like he's going to be the one to carry on the family name. And so I feel like when my little brother was born, that added some competition or like that took away from my older brothers light. So my parents are getting a divorce and during this time I was in school and I remember thinking like I really don't want this to end. Like I like school.

I can do this. This is easy. I'm like two plus two does equal four. And I actually got bumped up to a third grade reading level really quickly. Good. There you go. I found some of my old school records like last year. And I was like, oh my God, look at me.

Look at me go. It was a big win in my book because my brother had to bump down to second grade reading. And I'm like, but there were a lot of people who came out of the woodworks that lied on my dad's behalf in court. My dad had also made a hefty donation to the courthouse that was. being built. In addition to that, my dad's attorney was like cutthroat and had a reputation for, I don't know, just being like a bulldozer, I guess. And then the cherry on top was that my mom's boyfriend was a felon. And that was where my dad was able to like really draw a lot of concern. and then like the financial aspect my mom had four kids and was I mean like she I remember like we

were on food stamps and she worked so hard trying to provide for us like worked all the time and so I know that like the financial aspect definitely played a role but I remember when we went in to talk to the attorneys I was completely terrified and I was honest when they asked questions like this is what happens you know and the day that they made the custody decision um my principal called my sister and i into his office and this is when um my two older siblings had gone back and had started living with my dad um my dad would definitely like bribe us kids with things and so that's what he did with them two and them two are kind of a pair so it kind of to make sense why both of them would stick together.

But my oldest sister and I were kind of a pair as well. And I don't ever forget, Mr. Money, the principal, called us into his office and told us that my dad had got custody. And it was like, I mean, it was like my heart shattered. And it was like my sister and I just cried holding each other, knowing that like there was just hell ahead of us. Right. literal hell ahead of us. It's crazy because it's like we were, we, we were, we were so, we were so

wrong. It was much worse than hell. It turns out all of the things that I told the judge and confidence, my dad was able to get that information. So like after he got custody of us and after we went out to his place again, it was a. essentially like, well, you said right here, this. And in that moment, I was like noted, okay, whatever you say is going to come back, he's going to find it. And that was really, that was really hard. Like that my dad was, oh my gosh, it was like he, my mom had told me this.

After I got custody of us kids, he was like, essentially he told her like, I won't I got the one thing you wanted. And so it was never about as kids. Yeah, it was just about him like defeating my mom. So did the abuse get worse when you guys moved back there? Yeah, because we lost our buffer. Mom wasn't there. And the court mandated us to go to therapy.

And that was very short-lived because I, like, once again was like, oh, yeah, Like, you know, he slams us around. And when he spanks us, he lines us up, makes us bend over and grab our ankles. And he takes like a pipe or a fiberglass stick to us. And if we lose grip of our ankles and, like, fall forward, we have to start over again. And, I mean, and then he, when he would get done, he would be like, this hurts me just as much as it hurts you. Like, I wouldn't have to do this if you'd just listen. to me. And as a child, my whole time with this man, I remember every time, every time he would line us up.

I, I just would hold everything in. And he would beat on us and I would stand up and I would look at him. and I'd be like literally holding so much like anger and tears and pain in. And I would just be like, that didn't hurt. And then I walk away and go like sob. Yeah. But I was like, you're not going to break me. Right. I'm not going to see that even break me.

I'm not going to let you see it. Right. And that would make him even more mad. I was going to say, I'm sure it did. Yeah. It would make him even angrier. And then when you guys all move back there, he put you all back to work. I'm assuming the whole time.

So, yeah. You were out of school again? Yeah. So by the time that we had finished, by the time that we got custody, like the custody he was all figured out, we had just started, I had just started third grade. And so me and my sisters all like started the next grade of school. And my brother didn't. My dad didn't make my brother go to school.

And I was elated to go to school. I was like, this is eight hours away from this place. Bye. And, I mean, that was, that was challenging in and of itself. I was, so I started second grade at nine. That means I would have started third grade at 10. And this was in 2004. I'm pretty sure.

So I finished third grade in 2005. And then that's when my dad, and so pause for, While we were in school, my oldest sister, she's a fighter, man, and I, like, she knew she had a very close attachment to mom, and I think that's what gave her a bit of security. But, like, there was one time my dad and her got into it, because he, like, went through her underwear drawer and, like, threw all of her thongs or something. Very weird. And we were in the milk barn, we were milking cows and he grabbed her, like by her arms right here and pushed her back against like some steps. So we like really slammed her down. And the next day she went to school and obviously there

were visible bruises. And they did nothing. Nothing. If anything, I'm pretty sure they called and they talked to him. And then that just like made it worse. And so it's like anytime we talk to anybody, it always would come back on us. And that was where it was like, you know, how are we just to advocate for ourselves when every time it just like makes our situation worse. Yeah, it's just easier to stay silent at that point. Yeah. And of course, like, I was always a rule father. I was always a really good kid. Um, not like, I guess like in school. Like I wasn't one of those like problematic. I'm like, yeah, no. And it's like, I have fun.

I'll do what you tell me. There was, I was in this art class, and this is something that haunts me to this day. But I was in art class for third grade, and it was during the holiday in May, Memorial. Memorial Day. Is that the holiday in May? I got you. Yeah, it was like a big honor for, like, people who had served in the military. and what they did was they had the American flag

and then they would have a stand in front of a light and then they drew our outline around it. So it was like your head on American flag. And they just drew it on black paper. And I came home with it and I'm all like, look at my eye. And my dad proceeded to call me an inward lover. and like made fun of it and like made fun of like my nose and like just shredded it and I of course was like I was like this is like the funest thing I've ever done

in my life and he's just like stripping it from you yeah and then like to like make matters worse like I think this is when Obama was like starting to run and my dad is my dad's like very racist And so it was really uncomfortable for me, and that's how I was raised. And so, like, that language was very normal. My dad was just, he's just, like, despicable. That changed me, and I won't ever forget. After the divorce finished, we had a child protective services worker come out once a month to just, like, check in on us.

But he ended up just being friends with my dad. And how often would you see your mom at this point? once every two weeks and this this is like this is when my dad's control really started ramping up like after he got custody of us he was like

I can do whatever I want literally yeah literally and the reason why I bring up this CPS worker is because this guy was mixed and my dad acted like he was his best of course because if it may be his way

but then as soon as that guy would leave inward this, inward that. And like I grew up hearing that. And it's like naturally as a child, I said it because I heard it. And then as an adult, I look back and I'm like, oh, my God. Right. Now I can reflect and I can be like, oh, that was messed up. But I was a child.

You were raised that way. Literally raised that way. And yeah. And so that and then like, I remember because at this time we started going to church, my dad was all acting like he was this Christian and every Sunday we go to church. And he like put on this front. And it was like that, that's a, that's like a whole other thing is like, because my dad like shoved the Bible down our throats.

And he would constantly tell this. Like the Bible says you need to obey your father and mother. And he's like, but you just, you just obey me. Like what I say goes. He was like, I am God on this farm. Right. And that was. how he was with us.

Like he very, he would tell us kids, you're a yo-yo, you go, you do what I tell you to do, you come right back. You don't think, you act, you come back,

and then I will tell you what to do next. And like, there were times and he would get really mad and he would make us, literally, if we didn't say, yes, sir, daddy,

he would backhand us. You would say, yes, sir, daddy? Or dad. Yeah. Yeah. Like he, he like needed that. Right.

Like to put him on that pedestal. Yeah. All that control and power. Yeah. And so when you think about like the dynamics between because it was my dad and us for kids and like my oldest sister, my dad kind of watched himself with her because she was very close to mom. And because of that, he would monitor.

So like if my mom called, he would listen in our conversations. So I couldn't have like an actual conversation with my mom. If we called her when he wasn't home and we didn't delete it off the phone and he found it, we would get in trouble. And then at the end of the month, he'd go through the phone bill and see who was calling who. So it was very controlling. And like the only person that I was allowed to communicate with was my mama Joe. So my dad's grandma, or not my dad's grandma, my dad's mom. We had like a court mandated therapist.

She ended up telling my dad everything. Okay. And that was also another like traumatic moment in my life because he slammed me up against the side of the car and told me to keep my fucking mouth shut. And so I was like, okay, you can't tell anyone. No one can save you. Not even this person that's literally getting paid. to you, which I think she had a thing for my dad. I looked back and it was weird.

Like the way that they would just hang out afterwards and his kids would have to wait in the car. I was like, hmm. Yeah. And my dad, like, the way he is with people is, it's trippy. So in public, he's this, like, charming guy. And, like, at church, everybody was like,

your dad's so cool, your dad's so nice. You guys, you guys don't have to go to school and you have like all of these ATVs and, you know, you have all this property. And my dad would always put on like, I'm so fun, I'm so cool. But then as soon as you like got him on his turf or, you know, tried to, tried to like hurt his image or take away that control, he would, it was like a, different human came out. And that was like a really big challenge of my childhood was dealing with people who would be like, like, your dad's so cool. Right. On the outside, it looked like that for people. And that was, that was hard because I wanted to scream. And I think, so like backtrack a couple years, there were a few things that happened that kind of made me

realize, like, I think, like, this is a him thing, but I knew that I couldn't get out of the situation. And it was like, okay, so you have to play the game. Or you kill yourself. And that thought process started happening. Probably around the time I was, like, eight or so. It was like, okay, if things get bad, I'm just going to kill myself because it's easier than continuing doing this.

And so, yeah, my dad had gotten custody of us. We are, like, I'm finishing up third grade, and then my two older sisters, like, my older sister's finishing up eighth grade, and then my oldest sister was finishing up 10th. So during this time, we hadn't bought back the dairy cows. So it was, we were still doing work, but it was kind of like a easierish transition period. And then my dad bought back the dairy cows, and we started due. started milking again. Actually, I'm going to see if there's anything else I want to mention. You're good. In regards to like the divorce. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. This was another big push why my dad

got custody of me, I think. My mom's husband had a Rottweiler and it was definitely like a guard dog. It like lived on a chain. You didn't get close to him. And my mom told me to me to pick up a plastic bottle that was in the yard. And I remember thinking, like, mom, the dog has access to me. And she was like, just get the bottle. I was like, okay. And as I was getting the bottle, the dog had like lunged up and bit me in the stomach. And thank God, and I have cat-like reflexes. Because I was like, meh. And like, because I did that, he only really caught my skin. but that that was a really pivotal moment for me not only like that was the first time I've ever really been scared um by a dog like that but then not even 10 minutes after that dog bit me he was

dead my like stepdad shot him in the head because of that and so then I had like I felt guilty because it's like well no like I went into his space we knew we're not supposed to be in his face but mom told me to go into his face everything just was like so cold and transactional like yeah there was no in between for anything yeah and that of course like i cried for hours yeah and my mom just thought i was upset about the getting bit but it was like oh like this that's a lot yeah and like the dog like we had to have that dog because my dad would just come around that was like our protection not long after that my mom moved to a different house and so she when my mom left my dad and like she got a job she started working for the detention center my mom flourished at this job like i'm telling you was so good

so good but in that she worked nights a lot of times and there was one morning she woke up and she called her boyfriend at the time i don't think they were married she was like like, why did you burn the yard? And he was like, what do you mean? I didn't burn the yard. So we're pretty sure my dad lit the yard on fire to try to, like, catch the house on fire, knowing that my mom was in there because she worked nights. And like our house was six miles away from where she worked.

So like if she wasn't at the house, she was working at the facility. Either that or she was in the hayfield with her second husband slash boyfriend. and he was a mechanic, but then he also bailed hay during the summer. And he was problematic in his own ways. After my dad had gotten custody of us, he had started dating a woman. A woman, she's very sweet. I immediately thought to myself, like, this isn't going to last because she's way too good for you. And she also, like, he was on his best behavior with her.

And that's why I was like, this isn't sustainable. And she didn't have to go out there and help us work. And I was like, I think of last. And it didn't. It didn't. But she made my life a lot easier during the time that she was with my dad. And my dad was nicer to us kids. I mean, he was mean to her kids.

Very mean. But like I am very thankful for her because she advocated for like us girls and our needs. and our needs. Like I remember she took me to the dentist, which I was like, oh my God, this is amazing. And yeah, like she was just a really sweet, really, really sweet woman. I actually, she gave me a necklace with a tea on it, and I wore it all up until it broke a couple years ago, just because she was such a sweet person. But when he was with her, he definitely was on like better behavior. But when she wasn't there, it was like back to his ways.

Back to his ways. And they didn't last too long. But I was very, very thankful for her because of her presence in his life, we got to be kids for a little bit. And like she took her kids to a theme park in Missouri, Branson, Silver Dollar City, Still Your Dollar City. but um so like experiencing that was amazing like and even though my dad was being insanely controlling while we were there i like it was just like oh oh wait like this is what it's like to not have to like constantly think about what what needs to be done next and i yeah so i was just very very thankful for that girlfriend

She made a huge difference, which was why we were so sad that it ended. But we were all like, yeah, we knew this was going to happen. She's met her time. And in between, so this is where, I guess you could say my dad kind of started going rogue. And like what I mean by that is he just kind of did whatever he wanted. And so when he didn't have a girlfriend, he would make me sleep with him. And this had started happening after my oldest sister turned 18 and left because she was kind of like my safety blanket. I shared a room with her.

And he knew that whatever he did, my sister would tell my mom. So he definitely treated us better with my older sister around. I was like, bless whatever works. And I definitely, like, clung to my older sister as a lifeline. Mainly because, like, my two older siblings were always just assholes to me. I mean, there's no other way to put it. And, like, I was the unintentional baby. And I don't know what it was, but they just, like, despise me, which is fine.

That's their own thing to deal with. And I know that like how my dad played us kids against each other definitely played a role in that. And that's why like my relationship with my siblings is extremely complex. But so during this time, he, you know, he'd always like, he made his kids sleep with him like when we were a little. But then like when he had women in his life, we were like kind of like off duty, so to speak. But after my sister left, this was different. And I remember I would like go to bed early as like a 12 year old. In addition to the fact that we were freaking tired from working all day.

And he would come in there and pick me up and carry me down the hall. And my siblings would just watch. And that that happened. And, I mean, he, like, he would get upset if I didn't want to sleep with him. And there's, like, a lot that I don't remember. Like, after a certain point, it's just, like, underwater, like, memories, I guess. But that, that, I think that was what kind of broke me because we were so involved in the church. and I was constantly being taught

because I was like right around 12 like purity and like saving yourself for marriage and all these other things and then yeah like my father would literally like take me to his bed and I couldn't it's like my brain could not process that

and so it was just like did he do stuff to you? Yes Yeah. And like, initially it was just like this cuddle thing. But like I do have some like birds of memories. And it was like it was sexual. Like I fell asleep with my dad's genitals on my back. Like from what I remember. I don't backtracked. I didn't fall asleep. It just I literally black out. Yeah. And actually there's one thing that I forgot to mention. So my dad is really big into Earth. and he was constantly like giving us like all sorts of pills and this is something that I have always thought but I've always wondered if he was potentially drugging me and I say that because

I'm not a heavy sleeper and I would wake up and this was always the confusing part it's like I would wake up in a position as if I was crawling away from him like in the bed and every time I slept with him he always let me sleep in which we didn't get to do. Yeah. And so there's just a lot there that I really haven't been able to process. Yeah. And I mean, for years, I felt so incredibly shameful.

And I wanted to, like, crawl out of my skin. And that's like the, that is something that is. Like that is the one thing that is just like I can't, like, wrapping my head around it is so hard. And then to take matters further after, like I said, after my oldest sister left, he kind of acted free range. And my dad had always commented on me because I, I'm pretty different from the rest of my siblings. I'm very petite and blonde. And like my oldest sister is a little bit bigger than me.

She's also petite. But then like my two middle siblings are like brown hair, brown eyes. Like there are a little stockier. I'm like five inches shorter than my siblings. So I'm always just like I was always just a little bit smaller. But my dad loved that. My dad would constantly like bring a, My body, it was like a normal occasion for him to like slap my ass and it wasn't just like a slap.

It was like he would like grab your cheek. Like like his hand would like slide into your crack. Like it was weird. And then like he he was very critical of our bodies. Like he would leave bruises from pinching us so hard. Like he would pinch our little like your natural little pouches, you know, a little like and leave bruises or he like pinch us in the butt and leave bruises. And he was just constantly talking about her bodies.

And my older sister is much stouter. And she has a completely different body type than I do. And he like shamed her for that body type. And I mean like he'd go up to her and just be like, look at this chubby ass. Like, like, you're running duels. Like, things like that, like, just disgusting. Things like, A, nobody should tell anybody else,

but, like, B, not a dad to his daughter. And so that, I think, definitely impacted things. And my dad would call me, like, his little Barbie, and he'd tell me that I was going to take care of him when he got old. And that was my role. And, like, he was essentially, like, determining my future for me. And that has like really impacted me on, because he kind of in a sense, like, spousified me,

if that's a thing. And I was a child. And but the problematic thing to that was that I knew if I was going to survive, I had to play the game. And I knew that if I did what my dad wanted, I would be safe. and so by him doing that to me kind of enabled this like like wide open path for him kind of just doing whatever he wanted and and that was really that was really hard those like few years I felt so incredibly trapped and isolated and I didn't understand like why my siblings didn't have to sleep with him and why it was just me and then like I didn't understand like why I had to take care of him and it. and you know and then he also like he had me give him massages all the time like I would take his shoes off for him I would help us take his pants off because he'd be sitting in his recliner and like I remember my sister and I would cook

I'd have to make his plate and if he didn't like it I'd have to go back and fix it and then come back and like that he was like he like attached himself to me um it was it was so weird I hated it Because I felt like I was a servant. Like, I literally, I mean, I was. Like, I literally was. I spit in his food so many times. So many times. Me and my siblings, we heard that like the eye lubrication, the vizine or whatever.

We were like, oh, that might give you diarrhea. We're just going to give him all of this. Because we were tired. We were miserable. Did it work? No. Okay. He was.

we were disappointed he like was giving us so many pills like there were times where I would take 15 to 20 pills in one setting like he would give us like echinacea like grapefruit seed extract like all sorts of vitamins and all these like extra things which looking back now my body probably wasn't prepared or to like handle all of that like mineralization essentially. And so I think that that has impacted my bodily functions. But that was also like another point of control. And he would watch us take the pills. Like he would, he'd make sure we did it,

which makes me really think that there was something else there. And then to take that one step further, a few years ago, my dad actually told my brother that he could go to jail for what he did to my sister and I, which is like an admission of guilt. So, yeah, like during this time, there's just like, he's just like going rogue. Starts dating this. He dated a few women in this time. And he had purchased a horse that had fold when he was away. And I had never pulled a horse before. Like I've pulled many calves, but I haven't ever pulled a horse. So I called the neighbor who has horses because like my dad was gone and I was a 12 year old trying to milk cows and take care of an entire operation with my brother

and also figure out how to burr the horse because it's a little different from a cow. And the neighbor came over and essentially tied a rope to the horse's foot and just like yanked it out. And I think when he did that, he probably caused a uterine tear because the horse, the mayor died within like 24 hours. And my grandparents and my dad, anytime my dad went anywhere, his parents came and watched us. And essentially they would feed us while we worked. So we loved it because we could do the work.

But then we would get food. Yeah. And, like, food we wouldn't have to prepare. And it was amazing. And anyway, so I'm taking care of this baby horse. And we get, like, clashing for it. I'm feeding it every three hours. For a month straight, I am with this horse every three to six hours.

This horse is my baby. It was born two days before my birthday. And my mom, I hadn't seen her because I had to have my horse. I had to feed my horse every three hours. And my mom got really upset because I wasn't coming to see her. And she put her foot on and she was like, you know, come see me this weekend. And like your dad can take care of the horse kind of thing. And my dad fought it.

But ultimately he was like, yeah, like go see. Like essentially he was like, I guess if that's what you want, you go see. your mom. And I came back on Sunday and the horse was dead. So I don't know if he just didn't feed it. I don't know. But that, that broke me. I mean, that shattered me. I was so, so close to that horse. And like the most upsetting part about it is that my mom would have let me take it with me. she's literally like just put in the back seat and never like um

and he wouldn't he wouldn't let her and I just it was I mean that was like that did something to me um because it was completely unnecessary um but I think like he was trying to teach me a lesson

and that's kind of how his lessons were And I also want to like take a moment and explain. We were like not properly fed. So a lot of times like we wouldn't get breakfast. And I would just go out to our bulk tank and get like a cup of milk from the bottom of the tank. And bear in mind this is milk that's raw straight from the cow. And there are there are so much bacteria in this milk.

And like that plays into like my current health issues. But I am so incredibly thankful for our dairy because if I didn't have like the couple two to three cups of milk that I drank every day, I like I probably would have been way more malnutritioned. And so like honestly like having milk save my life. I'm like we're working, but at least I can have like a little bit of milk. Yeah. My bacteria milk. Yeah, my bacteria milk, which now it's so funny, I saw a gastroenterologist. And he was like, so you have bacteria in you that's found in ruminants.

And I'm like, well. Let me tell you. Buckle up. And so we would eat, usually we would eat lunch, which my dad was crazy about, like, food consumption. So he didn't let us eat. he like wouldn't let us eat a lot of carbohydrates. So like we always had like meat, potatoes and like that very dense diet, which is fine. At least we had food.

We would eat at like noon after working all morning and then work all afternoon. And like these are just like a handful of things that we did constantly. But like we rebuilt fence, which would entail clearing out all sorts of. of trees and everything and then putting in like five, six wire barbed wire fence. We broke horses. Like my dad bought 11 horses and I think only three or four of them were broke to ride. And so my siblings and I had no idea what we were doing. We got told like make those horses ride a bowl.

All right. First things first. I got to put a halter on them, I guess. And so, and like me being the lightest, I was the first one thrown in. the saddle because I was the next heaviest saying to a feed sack. And like there were a lot of situations to where I, I like could have been severely hurt. And on top of bailing hay, so we bailed hay on our own property and then we bailed hay on other properties. We also had, there were periods of time to where we had multiple locations.

So we'd like rent a property on other grounds. So we'd have to go and check those cows and count on and make sure everybody's there. We would ride and like for hours and bring our cows back in off of the ranch behind us, which I'm sure those guys were probably so tired of us. And then not to mention, it's just like four kids, three kids out there, like just bringing in cows. We're like, I don't know. This is what dad don't do. And then, like, my dad would make us pick thistles.

So those really big sisles with the purple heads that, like, have the little tough, little seeds that come up. Yeah. We would wear leather gloves and he'd make us grab those heads and we collect them. And that, like, that was so painful because the thistles would poke you through the gloves. There, I mean, there were just so many things like that. that we were just working constantly. And then even when we got to play, it was still work.

You know, and even if we were playing, we were so, so exhausted that it was just like the tiniest little like blip of joy. So this was kind of the tip, the norm from 2005 until 2008. And I, during this time, like, I had like really thrown myself. into church. That was like the one thing we were allowed to read. It's the Bible. So I would read the Bible.

And I kind of, I think a part of me threw myself into it as like an escape. And I was like, well, I can read this and he'll leave me alone. And this makes him like me more because I'm reading the Bible. And so I definitely like, I guess you could say I became like pretty religious. And not like pretty religious, but it was like my escape. Yeah. So you really had. Yeah.

Yeah. And then not to mention like the youth group was my only social interaction. But like what I realized was like because of how I approached my relationship with my dad, like do what he wants to keep him happy. that then made him like me more, I guess. But I was doing it to survive. Yeah. Versus like my siblings would push back. I wouldn't.

The only time I would push back is when I knew I had like evidence to support whatever I was pushing back about. But why push back if you're not going to be able to get out of it? Exactly. Exactly. It's useless. Like there was one time I was cleaning the dairy barn and there was a bunch of fees. that had gotten spilled. And like, bear in mind, like, every day, twice a day, I was in this barn.

I was with these same cows milking them. Like, I could stand at the back of the barn, and I could, we named Oliver dairy cows. I could call the cows by their names. Like, they, like, every day I was with these cows. And I washed this grain down the drain. the drain because I was like, I don't want to clean it up. And I knew it was the wrong thing. But he got so freaking angry with me because of that.

And he took a metal, or he took like a board with a couple nails to me. And like the nails were like bent into it. So that's not like it was like stabbing me. But that was like the last time that I ever like did anything like that. Like I knowingly would disobey him. And that was also a big learning point because I realized I was like, okay, wait, my two other siblings can do similar things. But also during this time, you know how I mentioned my dad bought like a couple semi-loads

of those crazy cows? Yes. So that then changed like how we managed our livestock because typically we would gather our animals and process them so vaccinate and do like whatever herd health management we needed to do which i look back now and it was all like not correct um but in that our cows became incredibly hard to handle and my dad would make us run and like chase these cows on 400 acres and when i I say like run, like he would be in, so we fed cows in these like 70s model Chevy pickups. And he would be in the pickup driving beside us, like chewing us out.

And there were times to where he would jump out of the pickup and like leave it and like rolling and then be like, look, see, like, you know. And like for example, if there was like a cow, he'd like run and like, run and like, push her and then get back in the pickup and be like look look at what I can do and and that like that was hell those days were literal hell I remember it was non-stop running because we had so much brush and so it's like he you can only go so far on like ATVs and our horses like at the time weren't broke to gather livestock. And so, I mean, as kids literally ran on foot

and he would berate us for not running fast enough. And, like, we're in, like, jeans and shoes that aren't, like... Running shoes? Yeah, like, they're, like, boots. And, like... And there were times to where... We had a creek that snaked through our property. And I would, like in the summertime, the creek would stop running.

So it would just be like pools. I would run into, down into the creek beds to like check for cows. And I would stop and just like lap some water up real quick. And this water the cows had stood in. I was going to say the water probably caused issues too. And like, but I was so thirsty. that I was like, I don't care. Like, I don't care.

And it's like, it's like my mouth. I just won't ever forget like how dry because we're running in the heat in the summertime. And then not to mention, like, these cows would turn around and they would charge you. And so then there's also the aspect that's like, okay, well, if I'm exhausted and I'm running, I have to strategize to make sure that I can get myself to safety before cow gets me. and and so that I mean that those were literally horrible days um my dad would hit cows with the pickup he'd like he would run them over or break their legs and then we'd have to kill him because he didn't want to do it with a broken leg and it would be our fault of course yeah and so like

I mean, those days were literal hell. Those were days to where, like, my siblings and I, we'd be working and we, like, wouldn't have any food in us. There were times to where, like, we would stand back up and just, like, pass out because we're exhausted. And my dad doesn't ever feel that way because he's in the fucking pickup. You know, we're out in the sun, like, running around. Which, like, looking back now, I'm like, that's weird. Right. But then after we got the cows gathered, we then would have to, like, process them.

And that was, like, always, I mean, all of us kids just dreaded this process because my dad would get so violent. And so, like, a lot of times when we would work our cows, we would check how many teeth they have. that tells you their age, but then also if, depending on the condition of their teeth, that can impact how they're able to eat. And I won't ever forget this. There was this one black cow. My sister was trying to get, so I catch her nose to look at her teeth. And she had, like, had butted my sister naturally.

And my dad took a pipe to this cow's head and, like, hit her a couple times. and he was cussing this cow out. And she collapsed, and the cow was just sitting there, like, trembling. And my siblings and I, like, all of us are just, like, silently looking at one another because it's like, okay, we don't say anything, like, you know, just let the situation diffuse. And they had to use, like, the cattle prod to try to, like, get her to get up. And she couldn't sand. this cow ended up like crawling out of the shoot like some 30 minutes later and we put her off

and a side pin by herself and the next day we came back and we went to let her out into the pasture we like put her calf with her um just because i'm like i'm pretty sure she has a tBI now so we need to just like let her collect herself um and then my dad of course was like okay let's keep working, like, lever kind of thing. But the next day we came back, and my dad was like, watch out, like, she might try and get you. And I ordered, I was already on higher alert because, like, what just happened the day before. And I was walking towards the cow to push her out of the pin.

And my dad was going towards the gate. And that cow made a, like, literally ran straight from my dad. Straight from my dad. And, like, he opened the gate and, like, obviously, like, was fine and unharmed and just stepped around the side of the gate. But that stuck with me. I was like, hmm, she knew. She knew. Yeah.

She knew. Yeah. She knew who did that. And that was how he treated a lot of cows. And that was really hard. He was really, really hard because, like, I, like, genuinely, like, loved the animals. And then, like, then we would have to go. and either like kill the ones that were hurt or, you know, because of his actions.

It was senseless. Yeah. And then whenever we would process the calves, so we didn't have a shoot for calves, my dad would make my siblings and I push them like physically down the alleyway that we would work our cows in. and then we would restrain them in the same shoot that we would restrain our cows. But we had to hold them in place because it was too big. And because of that, like, imagine, you know, holding a 200, 300-pound calf and they're just stomping on your feet and you're pushing them in.

And, like, their heads, depending on how big they are, their heads can catch a little. but they can still like pull out and like you're completely like it's on you to hold this animal in there and that was how we processed all of those calves and we would rotate between who was pushing them I think when I hit 11 or 12 I started castrating because I was small and I can fit in behind there and it was just tail over the back and me behind these calves and there were times to wear like I almost got my face bashed in and like doing this. This was incredibly dangerous. And we also like shouldn't have been castrating when they were that old.

Were you doing it with a rubber band? We, a scalpel. Wow. So you guys were just going in and slice it. Yes. So I would, I am like like as a child, I was incredibly good at castrating. That's because I had to be, had to be quick. Yeah, it's crazy.

And I look back and there were so many times, like, so many times. And, yeah, that was, that was, that was really challenging. That was, that was hard. It was hard work. I mean, there were days. What a job. Yeah, like there were days where we would be covered in bruises just from, I mean, working like it was just constant um i also wanted to bring up that we like seldomly washed our

bedding because we didn't really have a mom and uh like our bedding would go like months about being washed i would also rewear my clothes because it didn't have enough or i didn't like you know couldn't wash them like something like I look back and there were days where I would wear clothes for like three or four days and we were working every day. But it was like, well, this is easier and this is more sustainable than me. So he didn't really have a care for like hygiene or cleanliness for you guys? No.

So my dad very much so was like handed down. Didn't want to buy anything new. Now in particularly with us three girls, my dad, in regards. in regards to hygiene would give us 10 minutes and we had to shower together all three of us girls in 10 minutes and there were so many times that I literally went I fell asleep with shit on me just because like we are three girls in one shower and we've been working all day outside yeah like that's not a lot of time and then this is also something that I have to share and it is fucking bonkers.

But my dad has this, like, obsession with shit. And, like, how our house was set up, the bedrooms were down a hallway, and there was a hallway bathroom. So you had to walk past the bathroom to get out of the bedrooms. And my dad, every morning would poop with the door open and just, like, have his hand over himself. And he would be like, come on, guys, you have to go out there, you have to work. And it was like a game to make us walk past the bathroom. But then second to that, if, like, he had, like, already gone, he wouldn't flush. And he would grab us and, like, drag us in there.

There were so many times to where I literally, like, he almost dipped my face into his feces. It would be, like, I was. Literally, like, I am telling you every fiber in my being. And he's just laughing. He's laughing. It was so sick. And he, like, thought it was a joke. Like, and then to take things further, our septic was, like, super messed up.

It, like, and so a good number of, like, a good amount of the time, I would have to go outside. because our septic system wasn't working, which honestly was safer for me because there was no privacy in the house. So like when, like, for example, I would be in the shower, it was totally normal for my dad to just open the door and be like, hey, did you,

did you like lock this gate or did you feed these animals knowing that I've done it every fucking day? Like, of course I did it. But you don't have to like look in the shower, You don't have to come in the bathroom. Yeah. But I realized it was just control.

Like, if I wanted privacy, I had to lock a door. But then if I locked a door, I had to explain why I locked the door. That was the control thing. And it was like, I mean, he would just walk in and we'd have to be like, Dad, we're changing. Stop. Like, and he, well, come on. We got to go.

What are you doing? And it's like, okay, well, you don't have to keep walking in the room. Like, you're deliberately doing this. Like you're deliberately wanting to see your daughters like this. And so it was like all around. So it was like all day we worked with him. And then we were in the house, we had to like serve him. Or I'd have to like sleep with him.

Or we would go to church. We had to be around him. Listen to people like tell us how great he was. And so it was just like nonstop. I mean, it was all too consuming. And this went on until you were how old? Until 2008. I was 14.

And I was. And I remember, so the DHS worker that was originally coming out to check on us stopped. And two women came out. And typically when the Department of Human Services would come out, they would interview us in the house. And I'm like, I'm not going to say anything because you leave, you leave me here with him. And every other time, yeah, every other time you all left, I left. I literally got my ass beat. Because of what, right, because of telling the truth.

Exactly. Exactly. But these two women were like, no, we're going to talk to your kids in our car. I was like, and I honestly, I didn't know what to say anything. She pulled out a math book. I forget this. It's a fifth grade math book. She was like, can you do this?

It was like a cross multiplication question. And I was like, no? How much is that? Literally? I was like, I can add them maybe. I can castrate things, but I can't do that. Literally? I can cut some balls off because that's about it.

I'm like, I can tell you how to milk all these cows. Yeah. I can feed all this livestock. But I don't know what the fuck that is. But she was like, you don't know. And I was like, no. She's like, do you know how you would approach this? And I was like, no, cross multiply.

And you were once again out of school at this time. Yep. I was 14. Yeah. So I had been out of school for a. about three years. Okay. And so, like, I had finished third grade in 2005.

And then he pulled you out. Yep. So then that kind of kick started everything. And I'm pretty sure my mom was the one who called the Hs because she had finally paid off her attorneys and was able to get another one to try and get custody of me and my brother. Okay. And I do want to go back to something. I just remembered.

after my dad had like started making me sleep with him I like initially I didn't understand and the only person that I could really talk to was my dad's mom and I remember being like and this was like a time or two it was just after it started I was like I was telling her that like he makes me sleep with him and she was like okay well we'll just get him a body pillow So she gets him a body pillow and my dad loses his shit. And I'm sitting in her car because I had, I was with her for like a day or something and we like met somewhere so my dad could take me back home. Actually, no, I'm pretty sure I was leaving church camp. And I had stayed with her while I was going to church camp.

And so this is after church camp. she goes to give him this body pillow and he gets so mad he like tells her to mind her fucking business and all this other stuff and i go to get in his car and he slams me up against the side of the car and he's like i ought to beat your fucking ass and he's like why the fuck would you tell anybody that and i was like okay i will i guess i'm not going to say anything um But my mama Joe, my dad's mom, essentially told me to keep my mouth shut because it would break up the family. So I did. And like looking back now, that's incredibly fucked up.

But then to like take it one step further, she's also like, she shoved a religion down our throats and like shamed me for like being a child. And, like, put that responsibility on me when it wasn't mine to carry. Like, she should have been a, like, she should have protected me. She should have protected me and she didn't. And there's no excuse for that. I, like, that was something that, like, I really, really had to, like, become okay with. Because I was, I was let down, like, big time. And then, so that was, like, right around the time I was, like, 11 or 12.

And then also around this time, I just realized I got kicked in the face by my show heifer. So I had like a severe concussion. I had nine stitches. You could see an entire hoofmark on my face. I had blood coming out. My freaking nose, ears, like the whole nine yards. And that also, I think, kind of kickstarted things with my mom, at least with her like trying to get custody of us. It looked really bad.

because I showed up to my mom's family reunion. Yeah. Like four or five days post getting like yeated in the face. Oh my gosh. I'm sure. I'm sure black and blue. Whole bruise. Like, you know, everything.

And my mom's family, I think that's a big reason why she got cussy of me was because they were like, what? What the fuck is she dealing with? My uncles were so mad. And then, of course, I am like, I feel. like I'm the cause, right? Because if it wasn't for me, this anger wouldn't be happening. And so, yeah, that was, that was really, that was really, really hard. And I remember, like, when I got kicked, I woke up and I was just covered in blood. And, of course, I like scream.

And then my sister comes over there and sees what happened. And my brother gets me a towel that we use to dry the cows off with their teeth. And I like held this towel on my face. And I had literally just been like kicked in the face and knocked back. And I walked to the car from the barn literally like kind of almost going in circles. And they were just walking beside me. And I'm like holding my like this towel. Blood's just dripping. And I'm like, okay, and then we go to get in the car, and my dad looks at my oldest sister, and he goes, don't tell your mom. Well, the first thing my sister does when he leaves. And then my mom has, like, somebody down there in the ER just, like, making sure I'm fine.

But that was, like, a really big, I think that was a really big, like, shift in things. I ended up being fine. Like the next day I had like a bunch of stitches and I was on like a bunch of meds. My sister patched my face up. My dad had me go check cows on the full wheeler with like a right back to it. Yep. Like I couldn't sleep for longer than two hours. It's just like, all right, you're good.

A couple years before that I broke my arm. I got bucked off my mayor. he waited until the next day to take me to the ER after begging and pleading. I was like, something's not right. I milked the cows. I fed the kids. The next day we milked the cows. I fed the calves.

And then he finally took me. And it was just like, you literally had to be like begging or bleeding to get like help. Help. Yeah. During this time, my sister also ran away. in the middle of the night because she had strep throats so bad. So she called my mom.

My mom came and picked her up, took her to the ER. So it's just like things like that to where... We're adding up. Yeah. And it's like, you know, there was one time my dad went to the National Western Stock Show and left me, my brother and my sister there to do everything.

And my older sister got so violently ill that she like... Like she was literally stuck on the couch. I don't know what she had, but she was stuck on the couch. the couch. And my brother and I did everything and my dad didn't, he didn't come back. He was gone. He was doing his own thing. He was like, you guys can handle it. And so it's just like a complete disregard for our health. Health and well-being. But so the grace of God, my mom is able to take

my dad back to court. And this when you're 14. 14. This is in July. And I talked to the judge. and I told the judge I remember I was very tactful with my wording because I'm like I know this motherfucker's going to hear what I said in here and I made it a point to be like I want to stay like with my brother which I really didn't but I also was like I really want to go to school I want to go to school and I really pushed that

and my mom got custody of my brother and I Full custody. Wow. Yes. So nobody was with your dad at this point again. Well, but here's the thing. This was in late July. And they didn't, like, they, like, had said that we will finish the summer with our dad.

And then in August, go to our mom. And so after my mom got custody, we had to go live with my dad for two more weeks. And it was literal hell. We, like, I vividly remember being in the car and my dad looking in the rearview mirror and him saying, like, him saying that I was Satan's spawn and that there was, like, evil in my eyes. And so in that moment, I was like, okay, my brother isn't getting any heat. This is on me for the next two weeks. And I mean, he, he was so mean to me, but he stopped making me sleep with him, so I was okay with it. I was like, I'll take this.

And which I think like that right there says a lot, but it was literal hell. And then starting high school was hell. We didn't have any of our vaccines. We hadn't seen a doctor. Like, when we were babies, we didn't even get our vaccines and we were babies. So, I mean, I remember, like, the first or second day of school. I had to go and get like six different shots. And I was so just like, whoa.

And the principal was like, we're going to put her and her brother in the same grade. And if they do well, we'll leave them. And then if they can't handle it, we'll bump up back. And after a week of being in high school, I was like, I'm not going back to come back to this. Yeah. So I buckled down. And then I went to tutoring every morning and every afternoon. I remember, this is so funny.

Just because of how incredibly sheltered we were, I was reading out of the biology book. My teacher had asked me to do it because I was like the new kid. She was trying to like, you know, and baby Tanner. I was like, no. But I was reading and I was like terrified. And I was like reading about cells. And like the only cell that I was familiar with was like a gel cell.

And so I was like, what the fuck is a cell? Oh my God. But then as I was reading out of the book, instead of saying organism, I said orgasm. And everybody's laughing. But I don't know what that means. Like I am just like, and the teacher's yelling at me. And I'm, like, crying, right? Because, like, anytime anybody yells, bad things are going to happen.

And one of my friends, she was, like, one of the first girls I met. She, like, leaned over and told me. And I just, like, sobbing. And then the teacher realizes that, like, I misspoke. And then she, like, has to re, like, direct the whole class. But, yeah, that followed me around for a bit. I also had this, because I was the new kid, I had this one girl who, I was like stupidly friendly just because I was like I want to like I want people to like me

and I also was like I very much so was like mirror what they're doing blend blend don't draw attention to yourself blend and so I like smiled and waged this guy turns out it was her boyfriend I didn't even know she like followed me around for over a month cussing me out like calling me a slut and which of course like I'm like bitch I've been berated. Not for worse, but like, okay. And this girl, she follows me into the library one day and pushes me up against the bookshelf because she wants to fight.

She was coming for me. And I won't ever forget, like when she hit me, push me up against the bookshelf, the back of my head hit like a little screw. And I remember it sent something through my body. And I was like, okay. And I looked her dead in the face. And I was like, I get it worse at home. And I walked away.

She left me alone after that. And I was like, you're not, I. I'm not scared. I'm not scared of you. I'm not scared to you. Because, like, my dad, when he would go off, it was like there wasn't a human there. I mean, it was normal for him to me like, come here, you fucking idiot. You dumbass.

Like, that's, like, that's how he talked to us. And so he was, like, constantly. like cutting us down. And so like when I got in high school, like people would naturally, because it's like small town. Like there was a hundred and twenty-six people in our class or something. So smallish, I guess. But I just remember being like, this is nothing. Like you all don't. You all don't know. And then another thing that blew my mind was like outside of algebra and biology and math, I did pretty decent. So like English, I caught on to. Like, I vividly remember freshman English. I was like, this is easy. I read a book. You answer questions about it. Okay. Like, I can do that. Um, the hard part was was algebra because the last time I was in school, I was like just, um, learning how to do division. And then now I'm figuring out what y equals MX plus B is. And, like, Like, why are there letters in math?

So that was really, really hard. And so, like, I had to take, like, slower-paced math classes my entire high school career. But I caught on to English really quickly. Homeck. I was like, this is easy. I already know how to do all this. And, like, my grandma on my mom's side was a seamstress. And so she, like, taught me how to sew.

And so I was like, I can do this. So there were things that I picked up really easily. And then there were things that I really struggled at. And I was like math. I just could not figure out algebra. Trigonometry, I could do because I, not trigonometry. The one with the shapes. Geometry?

Geometry. Because I could see. I could see the shape. I was like, oh, this makes sense. But algebra, it could not. the reason why I bring this up because I could not pass

the algebra one end of instruction exam and I had taken it seven times my god and my principal was like Tanna you have to pass this to graduate

and he's like you got an A in the class he's like you know the material I just like I had so much anxiety you know I well and then it's just it was I just I didn't get it I couldn't get it. And then, anyway, by the grace of God,

and this really, really sweet para, who helped me when the testing lady stepped out, I passed. Good. So during this time, were you seeing your dad at all? Or just cut off? On the weekends, I was seeing him. And so, like, I ran track, and that was really, really good for me.

I ran track and cross country. I started running cross country my freshman year. And I, like, when I started school immediately, like, the neighbor girl who kind of, like, took me under her wing was a senior. She was, like, a super big track star. She had, like, got me in to practice, like, when she practiced just because of, like, the complexity of the situation. and that really, really saved me because it was like at this healthy outlet.

And I was good. I was good. Like, I could run. I wasn't like fast, but I was consistent. Like, I was reliable. I'm like, listen. I'm consistently, I run the same pace. So I'm like, I'm not going to get better, but you can rely on me to run.

the same speed that I always do. But that, like, that really, really, I think played a huge role in my transition into high school. And I would go see my dad on the weekends. And it was just work. Like, as soon as we get there until we got done on Sunday evening, we worked. And, I mean, there were times to where we didn't. My mom would wait in the driveway for hours. And that was like one thing.

Anytime my mom come to pick us up. my dad would make her wait and wait and wait and wait and then if she brought her husband with her he would have to leave in at the end of the driveway and so it was like this control thing always um and i so i like had finished my freshman year of high school and i also so i want to take a second right real quick my dad had after my mom got custody my dad had tried to fight to get custody of me again. He had gotten, like my brother decided to go live with him again, which was a whole thing. He actually, like, took off without telling my mom.

So my mom called the police. They went and picked my brother up. And she was like, you can't just do what you want to do. Like, you have to listen to me. Like, you know, this is your home. This is, like, I am your mom. I have custody of you. You can't just run when you don't get what you want.

And so ultimately, my brother. went to go live with my dad and then I stayed with my mom. And in that, like, so when I first started high school, it was really, really tough. I was very socially awkward. And I had a couple, I'd met a couple girls, like, right at the beginning. And they really, really helped me, like a just. Like, they, like, one of them, and she's still, she's an amazing human. But she took me under her wing.

And I think she's a big reason why people left me alone. home. And she's just this amazing human. She lived with me for a little bit my senior year. She also had a super fucked up home life. And, you know, she really made a huge difference in my life. And so I'm very, very thankful for her because of her, she made school safe for me. So it was like, okay, I can come here and I can be safe. And so anyway, that was a huge, like that played a huge role and that just because she offered that level of safety. I just stuck to it. I was an average student in the summers.

Like, I'd spend the entire summer working for my dad. And then my junior year, I got accepted into a vocational school. And so I did, like, half the day at this vocational school. And then half the day at school, which was really good for me because I, like, I got my vet assistant certificate. And so it gave me, like, a little. bit of like independence and kind of was like oh wait huh i could build something for myself right i don't have to go take care of my dad after this um and then my senior year of high school i uh which like during

this time i had been showing livestock we i'd been showing like our dairy cows and stuff and there were times where i like i just want to say this because this would like this kind of sets the tone for the standards that my dad had like i would top the class So I'd have the best animal in the class and I would come out and my dad would immediately start in on me and being like what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you wearing? Like yank the heifer away from me and it was like I just like I just got like I just won like this class. You know like now we're going to go back like for Supreme grand champion like why can't you but that's just how he was like if I got like a hundred on something he'd be like is that the best. you can do. And I'm like, mathematically speaking, yes. But that's how he was. Like, nothing was ever good enough. And I didn't date throughout high school. This is a, this is a really, really important part. After I got my face kicked in, kicked in, kicked my dad really hammered my looks and, like, called me Scarface. And so, like, he went from, like, telling me that I was, like,

this pretty boy to, like, flipping around and, like, grabbing my ass. And so, it was really confusing but he made me very insecure about my face and like essentially told me that like I was just a pretty boy and so I really didn't think like anybody would be generally like interested in me like genuinely interested so I yeah I really didn't date um and uh my senior year my dad and I go to the national western stock show and We're going with him to buy bulls. I went with him so we could buy bulls. And I just remember I was so fucking thankful because I didn't have to sleep in the same bed as him.

He got a hotel room with two beds. And I was like, but during this trip is when I met the livestock judging coach for the tiny community college that I ended up going to or technical school. And my dad was like walking up ahead of me. We were walking down like some vendor thing. and my dad was like bragging about me to this guy and I like walk up and I'm uncomfortable because I'm like no it's not really true but like okay I can't say that you know and I don't know what my coach saw but I think he saw right through my dad's shit and he like immediately like

extended an arm to me and um on the way back home we stopped by and just like drove through the campus it was tiny. I was like, oh, this is perfect. And I got accepted by the grace of God. I ended up because my mom didn't make a lot of money. I ended up getting FASPA, so I got most of it covered. Just had to pay a little bit out of pocket. And the summer, so I went to graduate high school. Bear in mind, I'm the first of six kids to graduate high school. My oldest, my two, my two, two older sisters went and got their GED. And then later on my brother did. But on the day of my high school graduation, my dad called me.

And he was like, if you don't get out here and rake hey for me, I'm not coming to your graduation. And I was like, and my mom put her foot down. She was like, you are none over my dead body. So I thought, okay. And so I went into graduation. like literally thinking that like my dad like wasn't going to be there and he did show up I like after we like you know through the whole hats and everybody's talking I heard somebody yell my name

and a turn around he waved and walked out and so it was like and and and like the shitty part about it is like my dad's um my dad my brother's girlfriend was in the same class as me and my grandparents took her my brother out to dinner And it was like, what the fuck? So that summer after I graduated, it was literal hell. I worked day in and day out. It was to the point to where I was menstruating twice a month. It was so bad that I, I mean, I, like the level of exhaustion that I had felt.

And on top of that, like my little brother and my nephews were already born and I was the designated babysitter. And so when I was out at my dad's, it's not only working, but now I'm responsible for a toddler. And like, I remember I would milk cows with like him on my hip. Like there were times where I would like set him down

so I could go and do something and I'd turn around and my little brother would have like grabbed a handful of shit and he's like eating it. And I'm like, like, but I was like a kid trying to watch a kid while also do so many things. And so it was just like it was nonstop. It was just all too consuming.

And I remember the day I left for college, something in me flipped. And like my dad had, we were trying to gather cows and I was exhausted. We were running all around. It was horrible. And I literally just said, fuck this. And I was like, I'm leaving. And I like got in my car. And I think my dad knew he couldn't make me stay.

And my mom was like, I was going over to my mom's and my mom and I were going to drive up because the community call or the technical school I went to was in the southwest corner of Nebraska. So it was a nine hour drive. And anyway, I left. I literally was like, I ain't doing this. And I went back to the house. And I was grabbing my last little bit of things. And he was like trying to help me. He was trying to be really nice. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. And yeah, I went to college. I got into college and I was like, this is easy. I was like, de fuck. They literally tell you what they want you to do. But it was still obviously very challenging from the standpoint of academics, especially with math. And one thing that like, one thing that's, I will say that's been the hardest part of this journey is like when teachers find out my educational background, there's a shift in how they treat.

And it's a shift that like my friends have you been noticed. But it's like this. They, I just had so many educators like, treat me as if I like, I don't want to say I wasn't worth educating. But to an extent it was like they treated me like a lost cause. And I noticed it. Clearly you were not if you made it that far. Literally. Yeah.

And so it's like I had a lot of teachers immediately dismiss me because for whatever reason. And so that was really hard. But the teachers who, like, helped me, oh, I excelled. I just fine. And so my, like, first quarter of college, so during my associates, I averaged 21 credits per semester. So I was a busy girl. On top of that, I was doing collegiate livestock judging. And then I'm so thankful because there was this, there was a girl on the team who definitely, like, looked out for me.

me and because I think like if I didn't have her I would have gone wild because it was like the moment I realized I was like he can't control me when I'm here I'm like I can literally tell him I'm asleep and then not somewhere else yeah I was like oh it's a whole new world and so the end of my first semester we were partying because we have just finished the quarter it was one of me and my really good friends, or the semester, Jesus. And one of, my friend and I had made a deal, like, we'll stay together the whole night, and then he could come crash on my couch. And I ended up getting really, really drunk to the point where I couldn't really walk. And we ended up, we were like hopping between the dorms. They were just three dorms, so it's not like it was wild.

and we ended up separated. And I was sexually assaulted by somebody who I thought was my friend. And it was somebody that I had like turned down multiple times. And it's something that's still like incredibly hard for me just because I don't, there's a lot that I don't remember and I don't know what I did. but I do know that, like, I could not walk. Like, I could not. Like, I was not functioning.

So that was really, really difficult. And, like, the next day, he texted me, and he actually asked me not to go to the cops, which I think was, like, a red flag. But that was just before Christmas break. And I went home, and I remember I was, like, really confused. And I, like, talked to a couple friends of mine that were there. And they were like really, really pushing me to like advocate for myself.

But when I went home, I was talking to my older sister. And I was like explaining to her what happened. And she was like, well, don't lie, Tanna, you know you wanted it. And I was like, well, what? And that like, that conversation like with her essentially shut me down. because it was like you essentially she was like you were just really drunk like kind of thing like blow it off like you know you wanted it like whatever and that like was not the case but I was like well if she thinks that like you know what am I going to do and then not to mention if I were to do that my family were to find

out well then I would have to explain everything and so I was like I can't ruin what I have going for me So I shoved it down. And then that following spring quarter, I drank a lot, a lot. And I had started dating my first boyfriend. And then during this time, my dad had gotten in a fight with his girlfriend and strangled her. And then he also grabbed my little brother and twist his leg until it broke. So when my little brother was x-rayed, they saw the type of break. and immediately got the police involved.

And so files were charged against my dad. And my dad was calling me, bombarding me with all of this. And I did not have the capacity. Like, I couldn't. It's like I couldn't dive into it. Like, I couldn't, I don't know, it's like I couldn't see the situation for what it was. And so I just remember telling the DHS guy, like,

I don't know, I wasn't there. I didn't see anything. Like, but I knew. I knew deep down inside my dad was really abusive. But I also knew that that guy was going to talk to my dad. And he was going to tell my dad what I said. And I had to go back to my dad on spring break. At least that's what, like, I thought, because he still had a lot of control over me.

And so that summer, I went and I interned in South Dakota. and I got a phone call from my dad and he had gotten arrested for domestic violence and child abuse and so I had to like leave my internship early sorry my dad got arrested I need to go take care of the livestock but then he got billed out

and so I was like all right well I'm going to hang out with my boyfriend for a week and not tell anyone but the charges were dropped because he intimidated his girlfriend friend and she didn't show up to court. So he was able to get away with that. And then that, so that following spring, so spring of 2014, I was getting ready. It was my last semester in college, or my associates. I had gone back. So I went back every break to work for my dad. I didn't have a choice. And we were caring for livestock and I went to catch

a calf and I didn't do it the way that my dad thought I should and he freaked out and like lost his shit on me and I end up like I literally end up like leaving him in the pickup and walking back to the house from the pasture where it was at because he was just berating me telling me that he wouldn't have ever treated his parents the way I treat him and that I'm entitled and all these other things. Like he's just, I mean, like, tearing into me. And he was like, you can get the fuck out of my truck. And I thought, all right, fine, fuck you. You feed these cows by yourself. So I walked up to the barn where my little brother and his mom were. And I am upset. And on my walk up there, I've called my mom and I've talked to my mom. My mom's at work. And I told her what's

going on. I'm like, he's mad. Like, he's mad. Like, in a way, I've never seen him before. He's mad. And she's like, okay, I'm going to, I'm pretty sure she sent her husband out to wait, like, where the dirt road starts in case I needed to, like, get away. This was something that, like, regularly happened. Like, we would, my dad would be, like, losing his shit. And one of us would run inside real quick and just call mom and let her know, like, just so you're away. And I'm like really upset. And I'm like talking to my dad's girlfriend and she's like, it's okay, like trying to call me down. And my dad comes barreling in there.

And she's like where she can't see us. And my dad comes up and slams me back against this like metal sheet. And he's not like strangling me, but he's pushing down so hard I can't breathe. And it's like I can't expand like. Because he's smart. He's not going to strangle me anywhere. Like people can see that. No, he's going to push. Like he, he's wanting to scare me. He's wanting to show dominance. And he was like, just, I mean, I don't even know what he was saying. It was like, there wasn't a human there. There was just like black in his eyes. I, I like won't ever forget. Like, I just remember thinking he's going to kill me. This is, this is it. Because I couldn't, I couldn't really breathe. I couldn't. Like, I was stuck. Like, I'm literally, like, smashed up against this panel. And I just remember thinking, I'm so glad I called my mom and my boyfriend because, like, if something happens,

like, they'll know he was mad at me. Like, they'll know he did something. And I'm like, I'm, like, things are literally, like, fading for me. Um, and I don't know if it's me blacking out. I don't know, I don't know what it was. But, like, it's like the, it's like the image is just zooming, like, zooming out and everything's turning black. and the next thing I feel is a hand on my thigh and I look I like kind of glance like this and I can see my little brother who's like three at the time three or four had like one hand on my leg and was pushing my dad back and was telling him to like stop and I just remember thinking like I was grabbing my little brother and I was pushing his head out of the way because it was like

know, like, you're going to get yourself hurt. Like, stop. Like, you're going to get yourself hurt. And my dad's girlfriend came around, like, to where she could visibly see us. And she, like, got in between us and, like, shoved him off of me. And, yeah, like, that moment, I legit was, like, I think he's going to kill me. I really, I was like, this is, he's going to kill me. He's going to fucking kill me because I did not restrain a kid.

half the way he thought I should. And yeah, that really fucked me up. And I went back once or twice after that. He showed up at my graduation, like nothing had happened. And he was mad at me because I had decided to continue on for my bachelor's. And he like tried to take all my things back with him. So I would like have to move back. And I had like fucking planned everything out. I'd moved all my things. They really didn't know where they were. And, you know, I will say, like, having the support of my boyfriend at the time was really helpful.

But that relationship in and of itself had a lot of challenges. And he also had a lot of things that, like, he needed to work on. And together, like, we were tumultuous. And, like, looking back now, I'm like, oh, he was just triggering me. But, like, he drank a lot. And then, you know, he, if I, like, hung out with friends, he'd get upset and would always assume I was, like, cheating in things, which I didn't never cheat. But, like, there were times he'd throw things at me. He'd kick walls.

He'd punch walls. There was one time we were drinking with his friends. And his friend kept shooting me in the face with a Nerf gun. And that was really hard for me because when I was younger, My brother held a loaded pistol in my face and was like, I can kill you. I'm the boss. Dad's gone kind of thing. And I remember we were in the dairy barn.

And the reason why this is burned into my brain was because I was like, well, you can milk these cows. You want to shoot me? Milk these fucking cows. And my brother pulled the gun back and went to say something and the gun went off. And I just remember the way we looked at each other was like, it was like this moment I realized that I was like, you're a fucking idiot. Like you're a dumbass. And he was like, don't tell dad, don't tell dad.

That was just like immediately. But my brother was also very, it was like typical behavior of him. Like I watched him like hang a cat and beat it with a baseball bat. I watched him stick a screw into the side. of a cat and like pull out it's like he kind of almost eviscerated it or like disemboweled it um poor cupcake we had to like put her down but my brother was always like really violent towards animals very similar um to my dad uh in that regard but in this particular moment i was like can you please just stop shooting me in the fucking face with the Nerf gun and of course we're all drunk and it got all got

blown out of proportion and we're like a mile away from home so I was like fuck this I'm just going to walk home I don't want to deal with this and he my ex follows me outside and I'm like I just I need to be away let me go like I can walk home I'm fine have fun with your friends but I'm not having fun here and I went to walk away and I don't ever forget he like grabbed my arm and slammed me down onto to the dirt road. But like we both kind of like sat down together kind of thing. Like he like forced me down. And when he did that, he pressed in like to my arm to the point where you could see

his like thumbprint. And I just remember thinking to myself like I am not about to become my mom. Like no. So I transferred to Lincoln, Nebraska to the university. and it was like our relationship got worse because then I was surrounded by all sorts of people. And like if I were, like for example, he would be upset with me

because of the way other people were looking at me. And that like further like amplified all the things that like happened to me in my upbringing with my dad. Yeah. And so it, but it made me so hyper aware of my body. And it put it all on me when it wasn't on me. like that shouldn't have been put on me but I like kept chugging I went down there I like

showed up at the university and I remember I was so freaking scared because I was like this place is huge I am a half educated hick and I don't know what I'm doing this is all scary um so at this point you had your bachelor's I was this was when I had my associates I was getting my bachelor's in animal science at Lincoln. I was extremely poor. I worked nonstop. If I wasn't working, I was in class, I was studying. And if I wasn't doing that, I was practicing livestock judging. I worked constantly. And like my ex-s and I's relationship continued to devolve. And I tried to end things and he showed up at my house and he wouldn't leave. And that was really like he did that a couple of times. And he was a big guy. And I,

felt so incredibly unsafe. And I was paying out of state tuition, but because I resided in Nebraska for so long, I'd petitioned to get in state. And because of that, I got a bunch of money back, so I was able to do a study abroad trip. And I'm so thankful that I was able to do that trip, because that trip, like, opened my eyes. And I realized, like, I can do a lot more than when I'm doing. Do anything. Like, I was like, I think I can do. do a little bit more. And so I was like, I'm going to apply for my master's. Because I was interviewing for jobs and I'm like, I can do more than this. Yeah. I'm like, I did more than this as a child. And did you have a relationship with your dad at all? No, I like stop talking to him. Okay.

So I, um, apply to Davis, UC Davis. I get in for my master's and my ex was not supportive. And that, I was like, I held on to that inkling. I was like, that's not right. Um, um, And I, yeah, I ended up living with him before I moved to, I graduated in May and I ended up living with him until I moved in September. And it was really, really difficult. He would like get, he got drunk very often. And like I said, he was dealing with his own demons. But that really impacted me. And it was scary.

It was scary because he would get, he's a big guy. He'd get drunk. And he'd get, like, belligerent. And, yeah, so, like, by the time that came around, I was really looking at grad school as, like, an opportunity to get away from him. And it worked. I moved out to Davis, and I had started my master's. And then I, like, met this really cool group of girls. And I started telling him a little bit about me.

And they were like, de fuck and then also dump him. And so I did. And I'm glad that I did because we just were not compatible. He's not like a bad human. He just. It wasn't good. It wasn't good. I wasn't good.

But yeah, so I went out and I was doing my master's. And that was really, really challenging. I had a very challenging mentor. I kind of had to be the grown up in that situation, which I was used to being. I was like, okay. I've been managing everybody else's emotions my whole life. And I finish up my master's and I went and worked in the Central Valley for a bit. While I was down there, I, so the Central Valley is like, it's like the Central Valley of California.

So it's kind of the armpit, so to speak. But I worked for a large animal veterinary clinic. So it was a dairy practice. And I was their laboratory manager. I did all sorts of things. But during my time there, so I started working there in August, and that following January, I went to a conference for my work. And when I was there, I, of course, was like very much so in this spot in my life tour. I was like, oh, wow, like, I'm actually kind of experiencing some contentness.

And I feel kind of at peace. Like, I'm, like, okay with life. Like, I was like, oh, okay. Like, I'm making money. I'm able to, like, feed myself. I'm, like, doing things that I enjoy. And I was like, oh, okay. Like, things might actually work out.

And I'm at this conference and this rep that I, like, I've had to work with in the past through my work. He essentially, like, tries to, like, force me to have sex with him. And, like, he almost. ripped this earring this top I had a hoop in here this top hoop out because of like he like slammed my head back and I played smart and like was able to get out of this situation I pretty much was like oh I like to be on top and then he was like okay and then I was like fucking bye um but that broke me. And like I remember

like he was like literally like trying to have sex with me and I'm like I don't want to have sex with you. I don't want to have sex with you. And he just like was not like listening, was not hearing it. Like. And so when I went back to work after the conference, everybody was like, oh my God, how was it?

How was it? and I fell apart. I like literally crumbled. When I'm like looking back now was because it was severely triggering for me. And it was also really scary. Yeah. Like I literally was like I'm like I, this guy might just like do whatever he's going to do. And I can fight all I want, but I can't get out from underneath him.

And so anyway, I had to tell my bosses and because he worked closely with them. And honestly, they kind of pushed him on to me, which I kind of was like, fuck you a little. But like not, they like encouraged it, I want to say, which I think he was like, oh yeah. But that is what sent me to therapy when it was, this is 2020. that was in, like, beginning of February. It was literally like the day before my little brother's birthday, which was like, that's what I was like trying to tell him was like, I'm not, like, I don't even like want to have sex. And then less than a month later, my little brother and his mom came back into my life because I hadn't seen or talked to them in years.

She had finally left him and like, thank God for COVID because that like made it possible. Yeah. Like also it was horrible. but like, like that saved her. And then also with the courts being stalled, that saved. Like that left more time. But so she reaches out to me. And it was like, I had just like not been thinking about it.

And it's like, yeah, like I went from third to ninth grade. Like cool, cool, cool. Like I focused more on that, like my lack of education and my work. I didn't focus on the other things. But when she came back into my life and then I realized like the last time I saw my little brother, he was like four or five. And now he's like a 10 year old. And like the whole reason why they got away was because my dad kicked him in the head and a teacher saw the bruise. And so like that just, it broke me. And then like a month later, I started therapy. And I won't ever forget.

My therapist was like, I just want to let you know. Or she's like, are you ready for your diagnoses? And I was like, okay. She's like, usually I don't, she's like, I'm not like big on like making a big deal out of it, but I think I, she's like, you need to know. And I was like, okay. And she's like, you have PTSD. And I was like, I didn't go to war. She's like your whole childhood was like a war was like a war.

And so that's when it was like, it was like the curtain started coming down. And I was like, oh my God. And then I just like, I just essentially trauma dumped on her for like over a year. But you probably needed it. Yeah. And she literally was like, I've never heard anybody talk about some of the most traumatizing things I've ever heard in such a calm fashion. But it's like if that's your normal, like that's your normal. And I don't think you really, like we're not taught on how to dissect those things or deal with them.

And, you know, that's why, you know, we need somebody to kind of guide us through that. Yeah. And I needed that. And so I was at a really, really low point in like mid-2020. And this was really important because that's when my second boyfriend came into my life. And I honestly, like, wasn't attracted to him. But we worked together and we started hanging out. And looking back now, it's like, my alarm bells were ringing.

But it was like, that's the only way my brain knew how to love. love was in that like, um, state of like, it's got to be like the hot and the cold and like the strong like, you know, he, he literally like made me feel like I was the best thing on earth. But the first like three or four months, it was like, me. And then he was like, oh, actually you're perfect. You're not perfect, but like you're, you know, so great. And so I was like, oh my God, like, wow, this guy treats me great. You know, he finally, like, we, like, finally decided to actually date because we were just,

like, hanging out. And so that was, like, the end of 2020, like, beginning of 2021. My work had offered to pay for me Ph.D. So I was like, okay, fuck it. I'll play. And the big reason why I applied was because due to COVID, they, they, we're not requiring you to take the GRE. I was like, it's been more than five years,

so I'd have to take it again or whatever the time the time lapse was. And I, like, got accepted. I mean, it was, like, mind-blowing me. Yeah. And so right around the same time, like, I get accepted. This is, like, May of 2021. And my partner buys a house and, like, pushes me to move in with him before I'm comfortable. and we've been together like six months essentially and then that fall that so December 2021 he proposes

and I like found the ring before we left just because I like noticed his behavior was weird and he was being weird about one of the bags so I was like yeah after you leave I'm going to go through that and I did and I found the ring and I sobbed oh my god I cried and I cried and I cried mainly because I was scared. And like looking back now, it's like I should have stopped and tuned into that. But I was constantly being told, what's your trauma? Or, you know, you're just not used to this, Tanna. So it's normal that you're going to be responding like this.

So it was like... You weren't taught to trust your gut. Yes. And so I essentially was being told to abandon my instincts. And that's like one of my biggest rigour. with this guy is because like all my alarm bells like at every critical point my alarm bells were going off and I just disregarded them. And it didn't help that like he got to know me well enough to then like use it against me. I start my PhD fall of 2021 and I am driving four hours up the 99,

which is a very dangerous road weekly. And I'm driving up. I'm driving up. I'm going to classes like a couple days up in on campus and Davis and then I'm turning around. I'm driving back and then I'm managing the lab like Monday through Saturday or like Wednesday or not Monday through Saturday. Like Wednesday or Thursday through Saturday. And then it was like I restart everything. So it was very, it was like hectic. I was spending half the week like couch surfing on my friends as couches.

And I like finished my first year and it was horrible. So summer 2020, my ex finds out he's not going to be able to move up within the company that we were at. So he decides he's leaving. And then that decision was kind of made for the both of us, which that impacted my degree. Because my employers were paying for my degree. So at the start of my second year, my ex and I essentially decide that we were going to leave. but it really, really was rooted in him not being able to move up within the company. And like, I wanted to stay there so I could finish because I had already had all my data

collected. And so that would have really shortened my degree. But that's not how it went. He ended up, he told our bosses we were leaving or he was leaving. And then within an hour, I lost all the day. data for my PhD. So I had to restart on my research over again. And I had told them, I'd given them a three months, like a three month, hey, I'm going to leave in three months. I'll train somebody. Like that's, I think that's like every employer's dream. And I ended up

having to leave within two weeks because one of my bosses kept harassing me. And he was really problematic the whole time I worked there. He made fun of my size. He made fun of how I talked, where I was from, my education. Like, he was just not a nice person. But yeah, so that left me dependent on my ex because they didn't have a job. And we move up to Sacramento. He switches from being a dairy veterinarian to a small animal veterinarian. So his income more than doubled in less than a couple months. And that, I think, was like a really big turning point in our relationship. I was at a really big low because I just, I have to restart everything. Like, I'm like writing a new proposal. I'm trying to figure out what we're going to do, what we have funding for, you know,

like, I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do now, you know? And so I'm in this really low place and I'm like trying to figure out my things. And, And he's like, well, I'm making so much money and I'm making all these friends and my life is great. And I don't understand why you can't like get on my level. And I was really struggling my mental health. I was very depressed. I've always struggled with depression and like suicidal ideations. And right around this time is when he told me that my depression was unattractive.

It made me unattractive. And he really started shaming me for my mental health struggles. Or at least that's like how I felt. And like it was like death by a thousand cuts. It's the best way I can describe that relationship with him. He told me that he wasn't happy and he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me anymore. And which of course like I'm freaking out because now I'm like, well, I'm financially dependent on you. You just paid for me, like he's paying for me to go to this residential treatment facility.

and now you're telling me you don't want to be in me anymore. How do I survive? And I like went and my car camped because I was like, at least I can sleep in my car with my dog and be comfortable just so I could like be away from him. And I'm really glad that I did that because I realized I was like, I'm going to be just fine. I don't need this person.

And I came back and we had a 15-minute conversation the next day. We broke things. We ended things. That was like probably one of the most liberating moments of my life. Yeah, we broke up. Best thing ever. And yeah, now I'm hopefully going to get my PhD in a year. Congratulations. Thank you. And I don't know what I'm going to do, but I am in the midst of writing an autobiography. You should.

And I think, like, a lot of my experiences could, like, help people. But, like, the one thing I want to say, and this is my biggest regret, is not listening to my intuition and is not listening to my gut. Like if I would have done those things, I would be in a completely different situation. I mean, yeah, but you can't help on that because you weren't taught that. You know, you weren't, you were taught not to have a voice. You were taught that you were basically just like someone's servant. Literally.

So why would you know to listen to your gut? That's like not any, that's so foreign to you. Yeah. But I do think obviously, you know, sharing. everything you've been through, it can, I think, kind of give, like, educate somebody that might have been in the same situation as you. Well, yeah, and especially, like, my brain is like, if I would have heard my story as a 15-year-old, exactly, right.

I would have, like, done more. Right. Or changed some, like, done something, you know? Or, like, even if you can't change anything because of the environment you're in, you can have the knowledge within your own mind to know, like, okay, wait, this isn't normal. Even though that was right. you were raised as that being your normal.

It just changes the trajectory of things. Yeah. And it's like I will say I feel so incredibly alone. Like very few people like make me feel seen. And I think like that has probably been one of the most challenging aspects. It's heavy. Especially because like, you know, my siblings and I don't have the best relationship. And so, like, when I decided to go to college, I kind of unintentionally excommunicated myself.

Like, and so I think that that just kind of, like, further drove that isolation. And the one place that I was doing decently was school. So it was like, okay. Pour yourself into that. But I do think that there's, you know, even though there's probably so many times, you know, to this day that you feel isolated and alone and, like, never. understands, I think the more you speak out and the more you build this kind of community of people you don't know that have similar experiences or stories, even if it is just like

from one portion of your story or your life, I think it can help even you on your healing journey. Like even though it's not by a professional or a therapist or whatever, I think there's something else healing in speaking out, having a voice, sharing your voice and your story and then hearing how many people your story can help. I think that's something that can be so full circle for you, you know? Yeah, yeah. And like, I mean, I mean, just coming here and doing this today was like such a huge step. Absolutely.

It's huge. And I like, the only reason why I want to talk about myself is because like if I could go back, like, if I met 12 year old, Tanna, I would have done something as an adult. Yeah. And so it's like, okay. Like, so it's like if somebody, you know, it's just like all it takes is like one little person to make you just see something differently. Absolutely. And you're like, oh my God, wait.

It's one story. It's one person. It's not, it does not take much. And that's why I tell people all the time, like everyone has a story and you should use your voice to share it. There's no reason not to. Whether it's, you know, like this verbally written. Like I always encourage my guess.

if you're the thing about writing a book or you are or you have you should everyone should like why wouldn't you share your story in every way an outlet that you can because you will help somebody whether it's a little girl a little boy even somebody it could be a friend of somebody on the outside that's like makes them think like maybe something's happening there you know and not to judge a book by the cover because there was a lot of people like you said growing up that thought you had a good and it was the opposite so yeah just to like be like being a good you know sincere and for people to ask questions. Yeah, yes. And I, but I totally, there's this quote that's like, a victim with a voice is like empowered or something to that effect. And so it's like, I'm like the damage,

like the worst part's over. Yeah. And now it's all about your healing. Yeah. And like now like me sharing my story, even if it just like inspires somebody to keep going, I'm like that's, that's what's Right. And that you're not, no matter what you've been through as a child that doesn't make you any less. Like I feel like you had so many people kind of demeaning you because of your lack of education as a child and all this stuff. But I think it does serve as that too. It's like this kind of encouragement to keep going and not let anybody tell you what you can or cannot do. Because you have literally the power to do anything and everything. And there's so many different ways to heal. You know, therapy is only one way. You know, speaking out. And there's so many just, there's so many. endless ways to heal.

And I just think if to, you know, to do all of those things or to do as much as you can for yourself is, you know, I think you're just kind of like beginning that journey for yourself. Yeah. So, and I'm so glad that you wanted to come on here and share your story on this platform. It means so much to me and truly you did an incredible job. Thank you. Yeah.

Like to go through that much and to be able to sit here and revisit it and talk about it, it's very heavy. It's a lot. Yeah. Yeah. And it's, there's a lot of fear. Oh, absolutely. And it, because it's like, you're taught the complete opposite of what you're doing and who you are. So it's not easy, but you're doing it. And one thing I want to say is this is one thing that really kept me quiet was because I felt shame and responsibility for what happened to me. Yeah. But once I realized that I was a child that it's not mine to carry, it made it easier to talk about because it was like, oh, wait, no, like that happened to me.

Yeah, it's like a separate, like you can separate it in a way. Right, and I think like that is such a huge part in realizing that you are being abused, is realizing that it's not your fault. You're just an innocent kid, yeah. Yeah. And if they're, the book that, like, there's a book that changed my life,

It's called The Gift of Fear by Gab and De Beck, something like that. He used to work for the FBI or something. But it's literally just trusting your gut. Yeah. And like when I read this book, I was like, oh my God. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah.

And I have like my nervous system is I got the most sensitive lawn bells. Let me tell you. So it's like I, and instead of looking at it's like a negative thing, I'm like, no, actually my complex trauma is kind of a superpower. I can pick up on energy. And you can relate to so many people. And I'm so empathetic. God, I'm so empathetic. And you did incredibly seriously.

Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Of course.