We're All Insane - Found My Daughter Dead in Her Crib

Episode Date: April 26, 2026

When Candyce’s daughter Delilah was just one week away from her first birthday, she passed away in her sleep from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. What followed was a devastating reality of unanswered questions, overwhelming grief, and learning how to live after losing a child. In this episode, Candyce shares the morning she found her daughter, the guilt and isolation that came after, and how she’s turning her pain into purpose while keeping Delilah’s memory alive. Sponsored By: → Just Thrive | Get your health in check and save 20% on your first order at https://justthrivehealth.com/INSANE On This Episode We Cover:  → 00:00:00 — Introduction → 00:02:23 — What happened the morning her baby passed away? → 00:05:20 — How do SIDS investigations work? → 00:06:12 — Do they know what causes SIDS? → 00:08:01 — How many infant deaths are attributed to SIDS? → 00:09:25 — What was the day before her passing like? → 00:12:02 — Are there pregnancy and infant loss support groups? → 00:14:11 — Why is it so important to spread awareness about SIDS? → 00:16:54 — Why is it important for mothers to share their experiences? → 00:19:28 — What is it like to search for someone who can relate? → 00:21:09 — How do you continue to live life after losing your child? → 00:23:43 — Why does grief make people feel so uncomfortable? → 00:25:28 — How does loss and grief compound over time? → 00:26:47 — What signs is she seeing from her daughter? → 00:29:26 — Why is the loss of a child so deeply heartbreaking? → 00:30:54 — What are the side effects of Zoloft and Wellbutrin? → 00:31:53 — Is there any new research on SIDS? → 00:36:43 — How do you support someone grieving after SIDS? → 00:39:35 — Why is it important to find a safe place to share? → 00:41:48 — What are some of the theories about SIDS? → 00:45:29 — What are her plans moving forward? Show Links:  → American Academy of Pediatrics (Safe Sleep Guidelines) → CDC - SIDS & Safe Sleep → Safe to Sleep Campaign (NIH) → First Candle (education and grief support) → Cribs for Kids → Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Further Listening: → My Daughter Has Been Abducted for 15 Years More We Are All Insane:  → OFFICIAL MERCH NOW AVAILABLE - code INSANE10 gets you 10% off for a limited time → Join We’re All Insane Mailing List for EXCLUSIVE Content + Discounts  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm Candice, here with my mom, Christine. We are here today to talk about my daughter, Delilah. Delilah passed away a week before her first birthday from SIDS, which is sudden infant death syndrome. Basically, the day before I was cleaning, taking care of the house, her and her brother were playing the whole entire day. So I didn't really get to hang out with her that much. I put her down for bed, put my son down for bed.

And then at this point, my boyfriend, he was working overnights. And then I was just working at a grocery store. But that night, once both of the babies were down, I went and I started working on goodie bags because the following weekend was supposed to be my daughter's birthday party. It was supposed to be a very first birthday. So I was making goodie bags for all the kids that were supposed to come. And that night I did hear her like, she never cried when she went to bed or anything. She was really good at going down and sleeping.

But she woke up a little bit, did her baby baffles. She didn't cry, but went straight back to bed. She always went straight back to bed. Both my babies were sleep trained, but I didn't think anything of it. So I just let her do what she needed to do and went back to bed. I went to sleep, and then the following morning, it was probably around 10 or 11, which was pretty late. Usually the babies wake us up, but they didn't.

didn't. I heard my son Roman start to wake up. He's three right now, so he was probably around two, two and a half when this was happening. I heard him crying, not crying, but waking up. So I went to go and grab him and I told him, okay, let's go wake up sister. I let my boyfriend sleep because he had just gotten off at around four in the morning. I went to grab Roman. I said, let's go get sister. I walked into the room and her room is dark and we had the sound machine going, but she was face down in her crib, which again, I didn't think anything of it because she always slept on her stomach. Actually, the day before, I could hear her snoring and I took a little video of her face down with her hands next to her face snoring when I went to go wake her up that morning.

But the morning that I found her, I walked into the room with my son. And to wake her up, I would do the same thing every single day. I would tap her butt and rub her back. And that's exactly what I did that morning. And she didn't move. But that was my first thought that she was gone. And then I fell her arm and she was freezing. So I just assumed, oh, we need to get you warmed up.

But then again, I noticed she really wasn't moving. So I rolled her over and she was gone. She was purple. Blood had come out of her nose and her mouth, so it had stained her crib and mattress. I just remember running to go and get my boyfriend from the bedroom. Our bedrooms were right next to each other. And I remember screaming for him to help,

and he immediately woke up screaming, like, what's wrong, like what's going on? And he ran into the room and saw that. Delilah was gone. He called 911 while I stayed with her, and all I could hear was them saying, like, you need to give her CPR, which I can see that she is not here anymore, like completely gone. So it was really hard to fathom, like, having to do CPR on a baby that's no longer here.

I tried to give her CPR in her crib, which obviously wasn't working. So I picked her up, and she was just, that's saying, dead weight. It's true. She was just so stiff and so heavy. But I picked her up. I put her on the floor and I did what they were telling me to do. I was trying to do CPR on her, but again, she was fed baby. EMS, firemen, everyone, they were all there really quickly. They had to physically pick me up off of her. But then they just left her body there just all day, which I understand. understand it's considered a crime scene there's a dead baby. But the whole entire time that they were like investigating, she just laid there by herself. So from the moment she went to bed until then she was basically just by herself and I don't know, something that I really regret just her being by herself during all of that. Did they let you back in there after? No. No. They had me. So my sister.

Tom was still in his crib at the time. Well, not in his crib, but he still had his crib in his room. What they had me do was take like a fake doll and show them exactly how I found her in the crib. They wanted me to do it in her room with her still laying there. Or did they move her body? Yeah. They wanted me to go back in there where I found her and show them exactly how I found her. But instead, we did it in my son's room, but. We did everything right that you can do as a parent. She had a $400 breathable mattress. She had the fitted sheets. She only ever slept in the zip-up sleep sacks. Her pinky was always clipped to her. That way she could always have her pinky. I had the sound machine going, just everything.

So do they know what causes that? No. Not at all. Not at all. So it's been around forever, and there's no new research. nothing at all. It's just so crazy and scary because it's no answers. That's exactly what it is, no answers.

Right. And then it's like that fear that this could just happen. Is there like a time frame that you're like in the clear with that? So SIDS usually occurs between the first few months of life. Right. It's very like ramped up between I think months two and four. and then it's supposed to go away, like that fear is supposed to go away after a few months. For us, it was a week before my daughter's first birthday.

Right. So that shock was even worse for us. They do have new technology like the Owl Ed and the Snooza that are supposed to help track babies' breaths and heart rate and all those. It's more so to help parents with their anxiety. But my daughter, she was a week away from her first birthday. She was her second child. Nothing had happened to my son.

So we didn't have those same anxieties that we had as like brand new parents. We didn't expect, nobody expects this to happen. But it can happen and it did happen. I think another thing too is with SIDS, a lot of people mistake it for suffocation, especially because the numbers are so skewery. because they say that it is SIDS if they can't rule it out to be anything else. Well, I don't know how to explain it. Accidental deaths or suffocation for babies, those are completely different things,

but they just throw it into the SIDS pile. So we don't know exactly how many babies really die from SIDS every single year. And are there any parents that do autopsies to see? Yes. So we did an autopsy. And they came back and said everything was perfect with my daughter. Her brain was perfect. Immaculate brain, immaculate heart, maculate lungs.

Like, everything was perfect with her. She didn't aspirate. She didn't choke. She didn't suffocate. Was the blood normal? Yeah. Okay. I've heard a lot of stories of parents where their babies also pass away in their sleep

and they have the blood coming out from their nose and mouth. and everything too. So. It's just so scary that there's just no. No answers. No answer. Even if there was, it still is horrible and scary, but like, at least it would give you some sort of like clarity or understanding, like, signs to look out for.

We keep saying the same thing where I don't necessarily think it would be easier if there was an answer. Yeah. It's just something that we could have, like, prepared for. Like, if she were sick, we could prepare for it. Yeah. Like something. Like it to be told, oh, your baby was perfectly healthy.

It's like, well, then what happened? You know what I mean? Yeah, because the day before she was outside playing with her brother, she was so close to walking. And this year they were supposed to be running outside in the backyard together playing. And just all of that got ripped away. And we're never going to have answers. Right.

And then how's your son doing? He's too young to really understand. And lately these last few weeks or months, he's been saying that she's naughty because she ran away. So I think that's his way of coping with it. We also do have my daughter's ashes in this bunny. So this is Delilah. He plays with her all the time. We take her everywhere.

We change her clothes into outfits that she's worn. We buy her new clothes. But I'll go to work. I'll come home. and she or he has her with him. At night, my son, he now does sleep with me. I'll wake up in the middle of the night panicking because she's not in my arms. I'll turn around and he has her.

So he's still the best big brother I could ever ask for her. Yeah. He loves her so, like, immensely. We have pictures of her everywhere. And he's like, that sister, he knows. Absolutely. I am sure so many of you can relate to the, feeling of just feeling like something is off.

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Be the best you with Just Thrive. How long ago is this? This was the last August. So her birthday's August 30th. She passed away August 18th. Yeah, August 18th. And then after the aftermath of everything, what did you find helped you? Did you, was there like, oh, Are there a lot of groups and communities that kind of like are support for things like this or not really? So we do go to a support group once a month. It's the pregnancy and infant loss support group in Reno, Nevada. And they have been incredible. We didn't start going until January of this last year.

But you meet so many women who have gone through such crazy losses. And they really understand that want and need. of having their babies with them. And I've found that there's so many women who, they don't have the same situation where they lose their baby to SIDS, but they have that similar loss. And they also don't have answers. Yeah.

Like I find that so crazy that as women, we don't know answers for what happens to our babies, like ever. Like if they pass away, it doesn't make any sense. and there's not enough research going into any of it. Right. But we do go to the support group. I started going to therapy earlier this year. What else?

So my daughter's funeral was a Sunday. I went back to school that Monday, first time in college. I had already planned on going back to school, but one of the last things that I had told her at her funeral was that. I was going to go back to school and finish it for her. and make her proud. But I'm doing everything for her and my son. Right.

That's all you can do. Yeah. And I think it is something that it's super important because I've heard of the term, but I didn't know that it could just be so random and so sudden and you can have no idea why. That's one of the biggest reasons by when I saw your TikToks And I saw that you do guest-based podcast.

I was like, this would be amazing to speak out about SIDS and just spread awareness and let parents know that, yes, it's scary and it's anxiety-inducing, but it can happen just because it didn't happen before. It doesn't mean that it can't happen later on. And it's not to make people more scared or anything, But it's just, I never, ever thought that. Right.

It is almost like that something to keep in the back of your mind. It's like it's not to instill fear or negativity. It's just so crazy to me about like even the time frame. It just doesn't add up. Well, also whenever I bring it up, I'm very open about talking about this, but I'll bring it up to a stranger and they'll say, oh, what's SIDS? And I'll explain it to sudden infant death. And they're like, I had no clue that was the thing.

Like more people should know that this is a possibility. I knew about it beforehand, but again, I didn't think it was ever going to happen to us. Well, even just the, I think something you mentioned before, that's a good point. But where people's minds sometimes go of like, what did you do wrong? Yeah. And I think obviously, yes, there might be cases like that. But I feel like because there isn't enough information on it and people speaking out about it, because like I said, I haven't really heard about it that much.

I feel like that's where people's minds go. And even that, I feel like creates a lack of understanding. Yeah, because it's bad enough that I already have the guilt that I could have gone in the middle of the night when she, not in the middle of the night. But when she had woken up that night and was just awake, she was just. Right. And that's the thing. It's like even then, chances are you wouldn't have thought anything. My mom keeps having to remind me, too, that say I did bring her in bed with me that night.

She still could have passed away right next to me. Yeah. So I have all of this guilt, but for other people to think that I did anything wrong, I think I did what any parent could do, and that was the best that I could do. Right. Her crib was empty. She didn't have any toys, no crib bumpers. She had her binky.

She had a zip-up. up swaddle blanket. Like, we did everything that we possibly could to keep our baby safe, and it still happened to us. Yeah. Do you speak out about this on any other platforms? No, this is my first time ever doing something like this. I would have never ever thought about doing something like this until I saw your videos, and I saw that you have your guests come out and speak and tell their stories. And it's so important. I think especially with women, I think when it comes to so many different topics about pregnancy and birth and postpartum and all these different topics, I think that even though sometimes

they might be talked about a lot, there's a lot of judgment around all of it. And I think whenever I see different people reach out to me with things like that, they're very relatable topics. I think just a lot of people stay silent because they are. scared of shame, which is sad. I honestly don't blame them. And I feel the same exact way because that's, I've been nervous this last few days about coming on here for the same reason. I don't want to get stuck in those comments of people being like, well, why didn't she do

this? Why didn't she do that? And I feel like this isn't a place for judgment or forcing your. Still trying to understand why people think that this is a place to write that. But no, and I agree. And I always tell people, look, you've been watching, I just sit here and let you guys talk and I still get comments about me. That's the horrible downside of social media. But that, like I was saying, these topics are something.

Because obviously I have stories on here that are like, sometimes you read these titles and you're like, wait a second. Like, what the heck? And it is insane. There's also, there's just these episodes that are just so relatable. And I feel like they are so, so important to. show people that you can have support and community without even really like directly talking to a person. Right. That's a good way to put it. Yeah, because there are these like groups and you can go to therapy and all of these outlets are great and can be really helpful. But I think there's nothing like being able to just open up a video and listen to somebody that has felt similar things as you or has gone through something. You're like, wow, like that is exactly what I felt. And that's the whole point of the show and why I love for.

when people come on here and they really are willing to get vulnerable and explain how they felt and what they went through. And I think not only is it important to bring the awareness of your story and what happened, but then even like the aftermath, I always tell people, I'm like, please share what's helped you and what's worked for you because people are looking for that. People want to know, like, what can I do to help or what, even if it's just the smallest things. I think that's something that I was really looking for in the very beginning. Somebody that could relate. We had tried a different support group.

And you go around the circle and everyone's talking about how their mother passed away and how their aunt and grandma, which, yes, that is just as sad. I completely understand. But as soon as they would get to me, every single person in that room jaw dropped. Yeah. It's different. It's different. Yeah.

And I think that's something else that needs to be understood by people is, like you said, loss is loss. Yeah. they are, it's very different. People, even beyond that, people's relationships, one person's loss of a mom might be so different than another person's because the relationship they had. So even just comparing is never, it's not always relatable, no? It's about comparing release. It's about having people that understand what you're going through. And that is so hard to find right now, especially in my case, I found, One TikToker who I love her, but I can't remember her name, her son had passed away from SIDS a few, probably a few months before Delilah had.

And I had remembered that she had made a TikTok about it. I didn't think anything of it. But as soon as Delilah passed, I went searching for her videos and she would talk about it openly. And she's still going, which I think that's another thing. Like, where do I go from all of this? I live every day as this shell of a human with a gray cloud over me 24-7. But I found it very helpful distracting myself. I go to school.

I go to work. And that keeps me busy until it doesn't. I can't say that every single day I'm not thinking about her and wanting to be with her. Like, I'm the most depressed I've ever been in my whole entire life. But seeing that other women can push through and build on their grief and find their purpose in life and make their babies proud. It's been really inspiring and really helpful. Yeah, and I think, too, I think that it is something where it can help you find a purpose because it's almost like you're more, you're looking for it more.

now when I think that it's something where, of course, you have your son and you want to make him proud and you're living to be the best mom you can for him. Yeah. When I think that you're always going to have that sadness and that cloud and she's never going to go away. And that's okay too. I think it's finding a balance between like I'm here now. Let me do the best that I can for the people around me, for my son to even help others,

like you're doing right now, but it might not. seem like anything crazy. And a lot of people that come on here, they're like, oh, I just hope it helps at least one person. And I'm like, it reaches so many more people than that. It's insane how one story and one voice can just expand to so many. So even you having the courage to do that and be open and be vulnerable, that is huge. I really appreciate that. Of course. It really is. It's something that it's so important. And I do think you. You should speak out more about it in whatever way feels comfortable and whenever that feels right for you. I always encourage people.

I always say this too. Everybody has a story. But I think that if more people were open and people saw that we don't have to be so cruel and judgmental, like more people would just stop being that way. And I think that's like going back to what I said. I think unfortunately that is why people stay so silent and why we don't hear more about topics like this. I also think that grief is such a huge emotion that it makes a lot of people uncomfortable and they don't want to hear it, which I shouldn't be ashamed for posting about my daughter or speaking about her or making that topic of discussion. Right.

Like I want to keep her memory alive. I will talk about her whenever I want to. And if people can go online and talk about politics and celebrities every day and that's their page, you know, everybody's entitled to do. do their own thing for their own reasons. I don't think anybody should have anything to say about that at all. But no, I think that, I think it's amazing that you are speaking out, but also that you're keeping yourself busy because I do think in times of grief and sadness, I think it's really, it is healthy to let ourselves feel it and to sit in it for a little bit, but just not get stuck in it. I think I have a really hard time sitting in it because I do get very depressed.

Yeah. For example, these last few weeks, I've just been in the trenches with school and work and trying to find that balance. I started a new job. So I'm trying to find that balance where I can do school, I can do work, I can take care of my son and take care of the house and everything. But it's really been hitting me these last few weeks. I think maybe too because this was coming up. So it's just like in your subconscious. Like it's like I know that I'm about to dive into this and talk about it.

I feel like maybe that is something too. I always tell people like I hope that like afterwards for a lot of people it is this even if it's just like one layer of like a little, shoof, that felt good to like get it out and talk about it. I think also my biological dad, he passed away a few weeks ago as well. I'm so sorry. It's like that real. all the work that I had done this past year. I truly think that's like the biggest part of why I've

been so down these last few weeks is it just reopened all of this work that I did. I think too with losing people, when it happens very close together, you start to feel like what is going on? Like can I catch a break? Right. Like is everyone around me just dropping? Like I think that it's so sad and disappointing and confusing. And everybody always says the term, everything happens for a reason, which like, okay, sure, maybe it does. But like, that's not going to help anybody. I think that I believe that we're in this human form for X amount of time, however long we're supposed to be. But our souls are always there. She's there all right. Yes. I get signs.

Absolutely. And I do not doubt that one bit. Anybody that doesn't believe that, they're insane. So we actually had two celebrations of life for my daughter. We had one with our family in Reno and then my boyfriend's family is in Bakersfield. So we also had a celebration of life there. The day after her celebration of life, his parents, they took us out to BJs. Yeah, they took us to BJs and I want to backtrack a little. My daughter, the last thing she ate was spaghetti that night. I don't know. I remember everything she ate. Chunky girl. I love to eat. But that was her last meal. So for the longest time, I had said, like, no, I don't want spaghetti.

Like, can you people stop trying to feed me spaghetti? We went to BJs, and I wanted the chicken palm forgetting that it came with spaghetti. So as soon as I realized that, I was like, okay, I just need to get over myself. She's obviously telling me to just eat it. So I ate the spaghetti, and we're all finished with our meal. We're waiting for the bazookis to come out. And all of a sudden, hey, there, Delilah comes on the radio. Her name is Delilah.

When I was pregnant with her, I always knew that she was a girl. And I would hear, like, hey, there, Delilah. And I was like, oh, my gosh, like, there's no doubt in my mind that she's a girl and this is her name. So as soon as that song came on, I was like, I can't do this. I got to walk out. But I knew in that moment that it was her. Like, she's here all the time. I just graduated from my CNA program during the summer.

and walking out of my skills exam, I was really anxious, didn't think that I had passed, but I walked out, and there was immediately a white feather there. And in that moment I knew, too, like, it's her. I passed that test. Like, I get so many signs from her, not as many as I would like, but I know for a fact that she's still here. She's still looking out for me. She's telling me, like, Mom, I love you. you're doing everything that you need to.

And you will be with her again. Absolutely. I have no doubt in my mind. And I always say to people, it doesn't matter what you believe. That is just a fact. And because we are so much more complex and smart and incredible, the humans, we're just, we're not just that.

We're sold. And you will be with her again. And I think that, like I said before, getting to a place where we, you find your purpose here. Yeah. And like, I'm doing this now, but I will see her again. Yeah. She's waiting.

Absolutely. We like to say that she's up with my grandma. She passed away when I was 16, taking care of her. She loved to craft, loved to do scrapbooking. So Delilah's just bumping into walls with her wings and making a mess. But my grandma's up there taking care of her. It's just so sad. Now it's whether it's an accident, whether it's something sudden, it's very real.

And I think that it's horrible because like it's horrible to lose anybody at any age and any time. But like I think when you think about it, it's just so heartbreaking. It's like that's still your baby. And I think it's very easy to think, well, what if this? And she's supposed to grow old. And my kids were supposed to play happily. And it's, I think that those are very normal thoughts. But at the same time, their thoughts that I think that I think.

think are only going to drive us nuts. Yeah, because I can't sit. It's heartbreaking. And think about it. No. And unfortunately, my mind just goes 24-7. Absolutely. And I've tried talking it out with the therapist. I've tried seeing a psychologist to get me some prescriptions to help me. Nothing works. I've tried Zoloft for months and adding well Butrin and all any of those prescriptions did. Yeah, it's not going to take it away. And I understand it's supposed to support when you don't have those coping skills, when those coping skills aren't working.

Those medications are supposed to be a backup. But I just felt rage all the time. I'm already like an angry person. Yeah. I think too. It's one of those things in your mind you're like, if this isn't going to take it all away, I don't even need it. all. Like, why even try it? Wait, that's surprising. So Zoloft made you more angry?

I think adding well Butron to it. Okay. I was going to say, because I started Zoloft not probably over a year ago. And I was going to, for panic attacks, and I was going to get off of it because I felt like I was fine. But something that it helped me so much with was the short fuse anger feelings. Like now I don't, and I like, I swear I'm like convinced it was Zoloft. I'm like, I don't want to stop because I feel like I'm so much nicer. So yeah, that's interesting. But I feel obviously with any medicine, it's different for everyone. For everyone in trial and error. No, I would pop off at everyone, anyone. I was already, like I said, an angry person before, but now it's so enhanced. I'm angry at the whole entire world. Right. Why her? Like, there's no no answer. Yeah.

Right. Literally no reason. Yeah. That's what it seems like, and that's what it comes down to. So frustrating. Yeah. And this is, so as far as, like, I guess your own research goes, there's, are there still people, I guess with anything, they'll say that the doctors are constantly researching. But has there been any, like any type of newer research about SIDS at all or no? Not that I can find personally.

We were actually supposed to go to a conference about SIDS. Yeah. And I think they changed it to like just a Zoom, like come in and hear everybody out. That was a while ago. I don't even remember what it was called, but I was going to say, if you have any resources or anything that you have found or that's helped you, I would love to link it for people that. It's just hard because the only thing that everybody says is keep the beds clear, do everything that we had already done. Yeah, and hope for the best. Yes, hope for the best. That's basically all I've got. I don't want to say that I've done a lot of

of research either. I've been trying to stay away from it as much as possible because I don't want to go and make myself even more insane than I already am. But there are a couple resources. I did a little bit of research for my CNA class. We had to do like presentations. So I did research for that. I just don't remember a lot of stuff. My memory has been wiped ever since this happened too. They call it that grief brain. grief fog, so I have a hard time remembering a lot of stuff too. Well, no, I think, like I said, I think that it's extremely important. The more people that are willing to speak out about these topics and anything, pretty much anything, actually.

I feel like that's one of the beauties too. I feel like is creating a safe space where people feel like there isn't any judgment. And I really feel like you should do that as well for yourself and for this. I feel like it can be, and maybe not now, because I think sometimes talking about things can feel like you're continually like opening up a wound. But I do feel like if you find that there is a group of people that would even want to create like even if it's people think it's funny, but it's so you have no idea what people are searching for. Like even if it is just like a small community of just like three to five women that meet once a month that have gone through something

similar that even if they're all in all across the world, but it can be like a FaceTime or a Zoom call just to to check in. I think that like I, I mean, like I. mentioned, it can feel like such a great support. I think something else that is really hard is finding somebody who's gone through SIDS with them being so far along. Because we know there's so many people who have experienced SIDS between the ages of birth to six months. But anything after that, we have had a very hard time finding anybody like that.

So I think that's something that I struggle with. I can relate to the women who have experienced SIDS, but I have not found anybody to relate to SIDS a week before their first birthday. Right. And I'd be curious if anybody listening would have a similar story or know somebody. Hopefully. I was going to say, even if it's just so that you could like, if it was somebody that you could talk to, just, I don't know. I think any of those things, the whole point is so that people don't feel so alone. Yeah. And they feel like.

That's what I've experienced is that I have. I have my village. I have my mom. I have my dad. Of course. Yeah. My friends. But it is the most, how do what I put it? Isolating. Isolating experience ever. I just feel like I'm doing it all by myself. It's like this internal mental battle. It's like, and people can relate to that. I think I'm scared too because I don't want to go and hang out with my friends and bring the room down with me being. I honestly feel like a lot of people avoid talking to me and hanging out with me for that reason. And that's really unsettling too. But I don't hold it against them. No. But people that, that goes back to what you were saying, people feel uncomfortable around grief. People feel uncomfortable around change.

And whenever there's, to me, that shows real friends. I agree. Because if there's ever this, like, unbalance, if they can't show up, And I think that's really hard too because I'm such, I'd like to think of myself as such a, like, giving person, like my leveling, which is definitely gift-giving. And I'm not saying that materialistic things are what brings friends together and everything. Yeah, but you enjoy it. Yeah, that's something that I love to do for my friends. I love to show out.

I love to be around them. I would love to just hang out with them on the couch and do absolutely nothing all day. Yeah. But this whole entire year, at the beginning when everything happened with Zelaila, every single person, if you need anything, let me know. I need you to be there. Right. Like, I shouldn't have to beg and ask you guys to do anything for me. I just want you to remember, like, I am going through the worst time in my life.

And I feel so alone. And there's only so many times I can go and cry to my brain. mom without feeling like I'm bugging her, which I know that I'm not. And I've heard that a lot too, that from a lot of people that come on here, they're like, it's not about the act of asking. It's just showing up. It's not even about doing anything. But it's just that I think even the reminder of like, hey, want to go do this today?

Or just something to feel human again. Normal. Yeah, it's a sense of normalcy. Because I have tried that. I have tried, like, reaching out to people and being like, hey, like, we're going to this. Like if you want to, like, please feel free to come and hang out. Like, I'm not asking you to like one-on-one because I know that we're super busy. Yeah.

But then they'll reach back out. And you're not asking for therapy sessions. Yeah. You just want to. Right. Hang out. And I think that's where, once again, a lot of people don't know how to handle it. Yeah.

But I think, and that's with anything in life. That could be lost. That could be a change. That could be people don't know how to react and how to adapt to different things. If it's not on, if it's not what they understand or going through, it's like they just retreat, which... And again, it's not like I'm holding it against these people. Like, they're my friends. I love them.

Yeah. But if anybody else is going through a similar experience, like I would want to be there, like, very annoyingly. Like, are you okay? Check in with them every single day. Like, I would want to be that annoying person after a while to make sure that they're okay. Right. It's the smallest things that make the biggest difference.

Yeah. For sure. Well, I'm so glad that you wanted to come on here and talk about this. It's always so incredible to me when people are like, and this happens, I would say probably 50% of the time, which is a pretty big percent, but people will say, like, I never thought about sharing my story, the thought never crossed my mind until I heard other people sharing theirs. And I was like, that is so good, though. Yeah. Because so many people are, it's like almost encouraged to stay quiet or it feels more normal to stay quiet. I think, again, it goes back to everyone being so uncomfortable so you can make yourself quiet to not make everybody else uncomfortable. I'm

uncomfortable every single day of my life now. I don't care if you're uncomfortable. Right. Well, also, I think there are some people where they naturally have that ability to talk to a camera. Like, the people that do go through traumas and they're able to set up their phone and talk about it, which incredible. Yeah, I don't know how to do that. No, the fact that and the fact that it reaches that's one of the things I love about TikTok is it's created its own little community of people that have gone through different traumas and they can just relate to each other. And you can discover these stories and it's crazy to me. And they're so quick. I mean, you can like hear someone's life story in like a minute. But there's people that naturally can do that and there's people

that can't. So I always say it's, I feel like I've created this space where somebody's always wanted to share, but they don't know how or where to start or it is so uncomfortable. I do this online, but I hate setting a phone up and talking to it. It doesn't feel natural. So, yeah, like, if I can give people a place where they feel like, okay, I can talk and say whatever I want and be honest and I know it'll reach people, why not? Well, I think I saw my first video, honestly, it was back in August when I probably reached out to you. I think it was her birthday when I saw one of your very first video, well, not one of your very first videos,

but the first video that I ever saw of you sitting down with somebody else. And they talked about their story and I was like, oh, you're talking about trauma. And I have a lot of that. And I feel like it would be very helpful to spread awareness and be an advocate for my daughter and just do everything I can to let more people know that this is a real thing that can happen at any. I don't want to say any point because they do say that SIDS is only up to the first year. But she was a week away from her first birthday. Right. which makes you wonder how accurate.

Yeah. What they're like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know. There's so many questions that are left unanswered. Yeah, every single one of them. I'm sure there's things that have probably happened even after a year. We just haven't, there's not as much of it. I don't think they call it SIDS afterwards.

Of course not. What's the term for that? I'm sure they're, right. Like, my mom said that my aunt had said something about it. That is infant, child. Okay. Yeah, they're just like, you know what? It's just like, right.

I'm like, hello, can you give answers? Like babies are just passing away for nothing. Right. And who knows? No. There's people that. Oh, it bothers me. I would go, like, I would go nuts. Yeah.

They want to blame it on everything and anything. I don't like talking about this subject, but they want to blame it on vaccines. That's literally, you took the words of my own. I'm saying vaccines, yeah. I don't believe in that. We've had vaccines for how many years? I would much rather take that risk to prevent my baby from getting sick from anything else. Right.

Which I don't judge those women that do that. Like, go ahead. It's your baby. Do what you want to. But I'm going to do everything that I can to prevent anything from happening to the babies. I'm the same way. I'm like, you do you? I do you.

We don't care. Exactly. But I also feel like if it was something like that, in my opinion, I'm no doctor. But I think that if it was something like that, they'd have more. reaction, some signs, like something, I don't think somebody would, I don't think it would be vaccines and then you get an autopsy and they're like your baby was healthy. Yeah. Okay, that doesn't make sense. I feel like there would be more research if it were strictly from vaccines. Right. And look, that's not to say that it's the healthiest thing, but I do agree with you. I'm the same way

with my animals. And I'm somebody that I'm like very cautious about what I feed them and what I, the products I use in the house. But do I want to risk my dog dying from Parvo? Because I didn't get her to the vaccine. Like, that's just the example I can think of. But it's everybody's going to have their different opinions and thoughts. I don't like to think about the vaccines being the cause of SIDS. If that were the case later on down the road, we find out that vaccines, then okay. Like, I will take that. Like, that's a reason. Yeah, like assuming things. No, and you can't. There's not enough research. She just passed away in her sleep. It's like how older people pass away in their sleeps. And I'm currently going to school. I would like to apply for the nursing program

in the spring. But I take biology. I take anatomy. And I've asked my professors before, like, what do you think causes this? And they don't have the answers either. Nobody does. But one of my professors, she had said, what did she say, that they should do more research about sleep apnea in younger children and babies and I don't know how you would do that specifically, but they also need to do more research in the adults with sleep apnea and work their way down if that makes sense. She thinks that could help with research. I don't know. She's educated. I know. Right. It does make you think, though, like, what else? It leads you down that roads of what could it have been. And then you go crazy again. Yeah. So. Right. Literally. So there's just a constant cycle, which once again,

just another aspect that I'm sure so many people can relate to, along with the guilt, along with the shame, along with the confusion, lack of understanding and knowing. And all of it sucks. But I think right now what you're doing is incredible, not only for yourself, but your family, and for so many other people that are going to be able to hear your story. And it's very moving and touching, and it shows a lot of strength and vulnerability. And I always tell people as well. You might not think that you're healed yet or anything, and I don't think we ever are fully healed, but you have to be at a certain place strength-wise within yourself to be willing to come somewhere, tell a stranger your story along with a public platform.

Yeah. That takes courage, a lot of it. So give yourself credit because Delilah would be very proud of you for doing that. Yeah, she's the reason why I do anything now. I'm actually playing on going to nursing schools specifically to help people, especially babies. I would like to be a NICU nurse, help save babies anywhere that I can. I think I'm nervous to say that on such a public platform too, because I don't want families or hospitals to come in and think that my grief is going to overshadow the care that I give to their family members. I think it only makes me more compassionate and empathetic and I'm able to once again relate to parents going through such a tough time. If anybody thinks that, which I know that there are, excuse my language, assholes out

there, they get it. They're sincere. They're sympathetic. They have feelings. In my opinion, there's nothing worse than a cold-hearted snake that's like talking to you. Like, don't you want like that bond, that feeling it? Like, that's what humans are here for. I want to sit there and Cry with a mom. Yes. If she's going through a hard time, I want to be there for her. Our world would be a lot better of a place if people related to each other more and we're more open and kind and not so cold. Just because it's your job doesn't mean that you have to act that way.

Just because you went through something doesn't mean that you lack something or that you can't, you're not capable of doing something just as well, if not better than someone else. Well, I also wasn't planning on going into nursing. I had originally planned to go in for radiology. I took an intro to radiology class for last semester, and I had to do radiology clinicals at our hospital. And, of course, they were working on a nine-month-old baby girl, so similar to Delilah closer in age. The imaging staff was amazing and professional.

But in that moment, you just have this nine-month-old baby girl bawling her eyes out because she's in so much pain. And in that moment, I knew I'm not supposed to be here. Yeah. I'm not supposed to be behind the scenes. I'm supposed to be helping, caring for these infants. I felt like Delilah was guiding me in that moment. Like, you took this class for a reason to realize that radiology isn't for you

and that you're supposed to be on the other side, hands on with patients, taking care of babies. And that's amazing. I think you absolutely should. Anything that you feel drawn to do it? I had no idea that that was going to happen. I feel like that's when we are the most guided is when we don't plan it and it literally it's given to us. I didn't go to school after high school because I had no idea what I wanted to do. Not until a year ago I thought I knew what I wanted to do.

And then after everything happened with Delilah, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. All right. This is it. This is my purpose. Yeah, I'm turning that grief into purpose. And that can expand, that can change. You just got to, I always tell people, just go with the flow. Yeah, exactly. It'll all work out no matter what.

And it only is cheesy, so cheesy, I hate to even say it, but genuinely, every single day, every single experience, it only makes you a stronger human being. I agree. Yeah. For sure. Because even right now, I'm working as a CNA at a hospital. and I see these patients going through the hardest days of their lives, but I had a patient the other day asked me, what's your favorite part of the job?

And I had a difficult time finding the correct words, but I had just had an experience of a different patient who I thought I was going to lose. And he had a family member who was very emotional. And in that moment, I just felt like gravitated towards her because I just, all those emotions, I still have so much emotion from my daughter, my biological dad, but I could have, like, relate to that person with not wanting to go through this and lose their family member. And I just felt all this empathy and wanting to be there.

But knowing that I helped take care of that patient that day and help them get some dignity, if anything, just being there and caring for them and knowing. knowing that I helped them regain some of that. Yeah. I think that's what really, like, changed that mindset of I am here to help and, like, take care and give back empathy and sympathy and being with those family members in need that are going through it emotionally. Yeah.

I agree. And that's incredible. Yeah. But that, this only happened a couple of weeks ago. So it really has helped me realize I was going down the right path. Right. And everything is still so fresh, all of it. Yeah, because it was only last year.

Right. And with each week, month, everything, it will only, I think you'll only discover more about yourself and about the journey. And like we were saying, just wherever it leads you, be open to it. Yeah, because that's all this really is. It's a big, brief journey. There's no right or wrong way to do it. You're learning.

Yeah. How to cope, how to move forward. And moving forward is very different. than moving on. People don't really I like the way you put that. Yeah. And it's true. It's just figuring out what works for you day to day. Because we're not moving on. We're not forgetting about her. We talk about her all the time. She's right. Her ashes are right here with me. And not only that, I know that she's here with me 24-7.