We're All Insane - Four Men. One Bipolar Mind

Episode Date: September 27, 2026

Louise Barnett spent 15 years living through extreme highs and devastating lows without knowing she had bipolar I disorder. She chased relationships, drugs, alcohol, and anything else that could quiet the noise in her mind. Louise joins me to talk about her memoir, Tainted Love, and the four relationships that became chapters of her life. We talk addiction, mania, depression, motherhood, attachment, self-sabotage, sobriety, and what it actually feels like to live with bipolar disorder. Check Out Louise:  → Website → Instagram → Facebook → LinkedIn → TikTok → Amazon Sponsored By: → HERS | Ready to reach your goals? Visit https://forhers.com/insane to get personalized, affordable care that gets you. → Shopify | Every story has a turning point. If you're ready to build something of your own, start your journey with a free trial at https://shopify.com/insane → Wayfair | Find furniture, decor, and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to https://Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. On This Episode We Cover:  → 00:00:00 - Introduction  → 00:01:38 - What does living with undiagnosed bipolar disorder actually feel like? → 00:02:59 - How did growing up Mormon impact her life?  → 00:05:15 - Why did substances become a way to escape? → 00:11:52 - Why can relationships become chapters of our lives? → 00:14:49 - What makes us stay in relationships when we're afraid to be alone? → 00:16:23 - How did these relationships impact her mental health? → 00:21:01 - What happens when the highs suddenly turn into a crash? → 00:24:30 - How did pregnancy change her life?  → 00:26:39 - What does mania feel like?  → 00:31:24 - What was it like the first time she left Patrick?  → 00:34:28 - How is gratitude important for healing?  → 00:36:21 - What was her inpatient treatment experience like?  → 00:39:40 - What happened after she left inpatient therapy?  → 00:45:01 - What does motherhood look like while struggling with bipolar disorder? → 00:48:36 - What does sobriety change when you're also managing bipolar disorder? → 00:51:32 - Can you actually manage bipolar disorder without letting it control your life? → 00:55:06 - How do you find self love and challenge feelings of loneliness?  → 00:59:22 - Why can learning to sit with yourself change everything? → 01:06:29 - How do her life coaching sessions work?  Further Listening → Molested By My Brother More We Are All Insane: → OFFICIAL MERCH NOW AVAILABLE - code INSANE10 gets you 10% off for a limited time → Join We’re All Insane Mailing List for EXCLUSIVE Content + Discounts  For early releases, uncensored videos and plenty of exclusive content please subscribe to the We Are All Insane subscription channel at https://wereallinsane.supportingcast.fm/. It's $5.99 a month and watchable on Apple and Android mobile apps, Roku TV, Apple TV and Amazon Fire. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, don't forget about We're All Insane Plus, where you can get access to bonus episodes and early releases on Fridays to every Sunday's episode. You can subscribe an app on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube, or visit we're all insane.com. My name is Louise Barnett, and I've been thinking about dying since 1999 when my mind turned against me for the first time. And over the next 15 years, I self-sabotaged by chasing love, drugs, pain, really anything that might quiet the storm in my mind. And over those 15 years, I didn't know there was a war, right? I didn't know I was fighting bipolar one disorder. I just spent those 15 years loving through madness at the mercy of undiagnosed bipolar one disorder.

And this led to ultimately, you know, we'll fast forward to the present and we'll go backwards again, but ultimately when I decided to write Tainted Love, my memoir, it came out of these 15 years of really loving through madness. So four men, manicies, crushing lows, think like love, addiction, single motherhood, identity, survival, and through it all, the ups and downs and everything, like in the end, the noise does fade, right? And the mask does lift. And we discover untainted love. So that's kind of just a little bit about who I am and what brings me here. I think to understand my story, like before diving into, you know, kind of where I came from, I think it's really important to understand the two key metaphors that drive. bipolar disorder for me. And so I like to describe it as like imagine a hummingbird. And a hummingbird is like,

you just smiled, right? Like a hummingbird is like sweet and vibrant and colorful and creative and she's fast, right? And she, you know, chases nectar and she chases nectar. And ultimately, though, she can't sustain it. Right. And so she kind of ultimately ends up blindfolding herself and she's like floating around without any direction and she can't sustain it. And so ultimately she crashes into a brick wall and she plummets straight to the ground. And that's when the raven, who's been circling around this entire time, swoops in. And the raven always carries a dark cloak and the raven places this cloak over the hummingbird completely smothering her. So she can no longer breathe. She can't.

see she can't find a way out. And this duality was my reality for 15 years. There was no in between. It was a Jekyllen Hyde world and it ultimately brought me to a crossroads, a literal crossroads where I didn't want to make a choice anymore. That's a little bit about what you can kind of imagine as we're kind of, you know, taking this journey. And what age would you say that you started feeling that way? Fifteen. Okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I was raised a daughter of immigrant parents. They're from Zimbabwe. And they were converts of the Church of Jesus Christ of Water Day Saints. Mormonism. I think it's pretty much a buzz religion these days. And so that was a lot of my upbringing. I had a relatively healthy upbringing, but heavily influenced by the church.

church. My mother kind of always said, like, quote unquote, she knew I wasn't going to make it. Like, I just kind of was always a little bit against the grain versus my other sisters who were much more compliant. And so for me, rebellion against the church started at 15. And it was this really extreme, just like dissonance with the world and how I saw it and how I was being told I should view it. And it was like a flip switch. Like I say a flip switch to 1999 and my brain has never been the same or I've never been the same because I went from being a freshman in high school with a boyfriend and, you know, just living life to never leaving my room, cutting myself, starving myself, hating myself, and never being able to stop crying.

Like it was so extreme, this kind of flip of a switch. And my parents read my diary at some point during that time, and it was their choice at the time to send me to Utah, to live with a family for this summer. I like to kind of add, like I think it's really important with our families and parents, they were doing the best that they could at the time with the tools that they had, right? Like generationally, culturally, like when they read that their daughter was cutting herself and going through this extreme depression, would they make different choices now to support me?

I'm pretty sure that they would. But at the time, they're like, well, we can't handle her, so we're going to, you know, send her to this family in Utah. So I'm with this family in Utah. Unfortunately, it resulted in trauma taking place during that visit, which obviously, like, sent my current state of mind into, like, this next level of frenzy. And so when I came back from that trip, that summer, I came back with a determination. to reinvent myself and do it in a way that was against everything I was raised with and taught and like, you know, kind of a big fuck you to my parents, right? Like, basically. And so this was new friends. This was new boyfriend. This was starting to now introduce substances into my life. Up

until this point, I hadn't ventured into drugs or alcohol. And for me, I think a lot of my story has a lot of addiction in it as well. And I think a lot of stories of addiction start with like fun. Like we're doing this because it's fun. And for me, that was never the case. Like starting to drink, do cocaine, weed, whatever I can get my hands on, really, was all in an attempt to just like erase discomfort. Yeah. And try to feel like escape. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Completely escape. Because no matter what I did, and I felt this my whole life, and if I'm being totally honest, I feel this way today.

Like, I always feel like I'm staring in from the outside of a window. Like, I never feel like I'm truly on the inside. And substances was a great way to, like, kind of feel temporarily like I was on the inside. So that took me to college where I, you know, I think one of the safe things about most traditional high school lives is that we have to go home at night. Like there's some level of accountability, right? We can't just totally fly off the handle. But that, you know, that sense of security obviously went out the window in college.

And so I would say that's when really the floodgates open for me. And it was any drug I could get my hands on, any man I could get my hands on. And it was just, you know, my brain, I think, when it found these vices, was like, this is how I can survive. Because it didn't know it was like going through anything. I think actually this, you know, with a little bit of education on bipolar, bipolar disorder for most people starts manifesting in the early 20s. But most people won't get a diagnosis for another 10 years. Yeah. And so, yeah, you might get like an anxiety or depression, which I had. But there's not really an understanding around the bipolar disorder. So oftentimes it just gets written off is like, I don't know, adolescent invincibility or just, you know, youth and revolts type of behavior. And so that's what I really leaned into for myself. Like not only was that the view of others around me, but that was like how I did. defined myself was like, I am the rebellious one. I'm going against everything I was taught. And so

substances were always a chase for dopamine, which a bipolar brain is, you know, always thirsty for. And so in depression, yeah, it was that escape. And in mania, it was like, let's amplify this. So that really took me, you know, five, six, seven years. And then where the book starts is college graduation. Like the book starts day one, college graduation. I'm getting ready to leave. And I didn't sit down to write a book about four of my exes. That was like never the intent.

But as I was collecting thoughts and stories, starting to write the book, it became so clear to me as I watched in chronological order, these relationships unfold, I was watching my bipolar disorder ramp up. Yeah, I was going to say, and you know, like, relationships are a huge part of us and our journey. And I think it's very, a lot of people would agree that while we're in different relationships, usually we ourselves are going through different phases as well. So to look back, it's like we can almost pin those phases with the people. And it's like they're chapters of your life.

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Yeah, I love that too, because I think that's actually like universally like relatable. Yes, 100%. We can say, oh, I was a different person quite literally, right, when I was with that person. No, I love that. And I think it shows a lot. There's several kind of mood and personality disorders that display this really intense need and desire. for attachment, for safety, fear of abandonment. And so that was also something that was really threaded through all of the relationships

as well, which really applies to me. So when I'm not going to go through the whole book, obviously, but like as we look kind of at the progression, we start with Marco. He's this, he's in the Italian mafia. in Rhode Island. He's, you know, kind of a restaurant owner. He's very attractive. He's kind of exudes power type of personality. He's 10 years older than me. And I, the book starts off with me trying to get a job at this restaurant and meeting Marco, this Italian stud. I love it. And so that takes a four-year affair into just, you know, the ups and downs of that

relationship and the entanglement. And I consider him really like the unattainable. I was always chasing something. I was always willing to be somebody else for this relationship. There's a lot of power dynamic here. I was working for him, right? He was my boss. And so that relationship ultimately ends in explosion when he shares news that. is irreversible, essentially. And so that throws me straight into the hands of Jim. Jim is like the polar opposite of Marco. It's usually how it goes. He's a 40-something-year-old's career waiter. I'm in my 20s at this point. So there's a significant age gap. And we just bonded through our vices of cocaine and alcohol. So I like to describe it as a relationship that lived in friendship and never

made love and a relationship of complacency, like, and this severe desire to never be alone. Like, it was better to be with Jim in these addictions and in his chaos and everything than to just try to do life alone. And I think that's so common to and also so relatable when it comes to relationships is that it feels easier to be by ourselves than to sit in the emotions of getting over maybe a past relationship or figuring out our own identity and who we are and literally just having to be by yourself. I think it's almost like until you find the peace that that brings, it's miserable.

But then when you find it, you're like, Why did I find this before? Yeah, but it's so difficult to get to that point because, you know, we crave attention. I think we crave partnership and companionship. And I think in a lot of ways, it's it's the most addicting to have those people to even just call or talk to or be able to say that we have it. It makes us almost feel more secure. And then when you do that self-discovery and let that go, it's not really until then that you realize, you know, the damage that that can do. but I think everybody, the easiest thing is just to go from one to another way.

I mean, I've did it for a long time too. And I think the interesting thing too that you mentioned is it is it is something that while you're doing it, it doesn't seem wrong. It seems like normal. It seems like, oh, this is what everybody's doing. You know, like the goal, I think, for a lot of women is to find a relationship. It is to find your forever and to find one that lasts. So it only makes, I feel like we're more geared towards that than we are to learn how to

Yes. Then to be alone and work on ourselves and grow and that it's okay to be by yourself and all that stuff. So I love that you're bringing this up because it is so relatable in so many ways. And I wanted to ask you as well, as you were going through these relationships, was your mental health kind of staying in the same place or was it deteriorating? Yeah. It was up and down. There's definitely episodes of mania and depression through all of them. however you start to see like progression. So with Marco for the most part, like I don't know, from an outside perspective, you're just like, well, that's a really emotional human being.

Right. Like there's nothing too like red flaggy about it, minus a couple of the depressions. But then when Jim comes, there is an instance with Jim where I experience my first mania with a, it was a project I was doing for school. and I ended up like starting a business out of it and leaving my job and you know things like that that are starting to feel a little bit more like okay this is feeling a little bit more extreme and really where mania actually kicked in with Jim was he was diagnosed in year through two or three of our relationship he was diagnosed with a stage four head and neck cancer and so that kind of

pumped the breaks on everything. And I kind of, it almost like, I was already in mania with this job experience that I was sharing with you. I'd already quit my job. I was already like taking out loans for this. It was a cake pop business. I was going to like make a million dollars making cake pops was was the idea. I mean, look, cake pops are great. So I get it. So during this space, he gets diagnosed with, um, cancer and I ultimately, it was my choice to say, we need to get married. We need to get married so that I can cover your health insurance through my business and, you know, get you through this. And yet this was a relationship that was, like I said, like this was never meant

to end in marriage. So yeah, so there was a lot of that there. And then once we kind of got to Boston, Dana Farber Cancer Institute, we lived there for a year while he was going through treatment. then you'll experience the crash from that as well. Once Jim gets through the cancer, there's definitely a shift in me of maybe stability, right? Like where I say like, okay, wait a second. Like it's my turn. Like I've been taking care of this person for a year.

And I want to build a life for myself or for us. Like, whatever that looks like, I'm not sure, but I'm ready to grow up, basically, is what happened after that cancer diagnosis. I was able to get myself through an MBA program while in those two years that we were kind of in treatment and everything like that. And so I kind of like had this idea of a fresh start, but I couldn't have a fresh start because I'm in this relationship. And it was a bit complicated.

So we ended up a generous gift from a relative helped us. relocate to Annapolis, Maryland. We had zero, like zero money at this point. And so I got a job. I've always been in hospitality marketing sales. So I got a job doing that. And then Jim basically would pass out every night by started at 7 p.m. Then it was 6 p.m. Then it was 5 p.m. And his addictions, which let's be honest, like he's pushing 50. Like they've been there the whole time. weren't going anywhere. And they really consumed him whole when he got his fresh start of life. Meanwhile, I then at work was really, again, kind of looking from the outside, trying to fit in with kind of this work environment. And I met Luke, who is the fantasy of my life and of the

story. He was younger than me by like seven years, you know, very charismatic, Southern charm. And within 24 hours, I wanted everything to do with this person. And it was like a love at first sight. So we kind of fell very, very quickly in love together. Within a month of being together, I had left gym in a really kind of extreme phone call one night just saying, that's it, I'm done, like moving on. Luke and I are moving in together. And then within another month, I was begging him for a baby. And so Luke and I got pregnant. And within a day or two of getting pregnant, I completely crashed again. and kind of had this like the realization of like when you fall into a depression the realization and the awareness that you get all of a sudden of like what you've actually been doing during mania

i think it's almost worse than the depression itself like because all of a sudden you're just looking around and nothing looks familiar it all looks just barren wasteland and you're like oh my gosh, how did I get here? And there's an awareness that, like, I got myself here. Yeah. During mania, there isn't that awareness. You have that grandiosity. You have that invincibility.

It's like go, go, go, go. Yeah, and kind of that loss of reality. Whereas in depression, there's profound reflection. It's one of the gifts of depression. And so to all of a sudden be like, oh, my gosh, what have I done? And I have a baby in my belly. Yeah. One of the hardest parts about actually starting a business is getting yourself to actually start

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normal life is like. I would go for runs after work. I would hang out with girlfriends. I was really, really responsible during my pregnancy. I didn't use any drugs or alcohol. I went to all my doctor's appointments together. It was a really beautiful time for me. It was a time of repair. Over the course of my undiagnosed life, I lost touch with my parents numerous times based on the events that were going on.

And so my mother stopped speaking with me when I told her I was pregnant. And then by my third trimester, we finally had been able to kind of repair the relationship. So I felt like I had my mom back and she was there for the birth of my daughter. And the eight months after I gave birth were like magical.

Like I remember going for stroller rides every day with her after school and still maintaining these girlfriends, you know, going on coffee dates together. I was able to get myself a new job in the hotel industry. So I was kind of like working my way up and making more money and I got myself a new apartment because I had lost the apartment and the job in the fallout of Luke and like things were going really well and I could actually see a future for myself. Yeah. You know? And it was like the first time that I didn't feel like

you're just treading water and you're just like living each day for itself. Like I could see a future for myself. And this job sent me to Houston on a work trip. First work trip I had ever taken. And a lot of people ask, like, what does mania feel like? And one of the way, it's different for everybody, by the way. So I'm speaking about my lived experience. But one of the things for me is, like imagine looking outside and you see the grass and the trees and the leaves in the sky. And you then swipe like the vibrant filter on the outside. Like everything is just like brighter and more colorful and more beautiful and quite literally sparkles. Like the grass for me has these like little glitter like these beautiful glitter across the world.

And so when I went on this trip, it triggered this mania for me. And this is super common. Mania is something that is triggered. It's not just something that like happens in your brain. I mean, it is. But like it literally is, it can be triggered by lack of sleep. It can be triggered by travel, stress. And so there is always going to be a direct correlation that you can kind of

of C. And so for me, it gave me this sense of grandiosity and ego. And I always feel really beautiful when I'm manic. And so I touched down at this training and I met a man at this training. And he matched me like he was, how do I describe this? So he, I mean, he's the most, dangerous relationship I've ever been in. And he's the hit of the most potent drug I've ever had. From the second I met him, from the second I laid eyes on him. Really, really, really fast. Within a day, we couldn't tear ourselves apart from each other. We ended up staying longer in Houston than we we should have, you know, making arrangements for our kids back home. And within two months, of this training, I was fully packed up and ready to move to Dallas.

The first night that I met Patrick, he confided in me that there was a pending lawsuit against him and that he had left his one and three-year-old children in the car, allegedly while he was passed out at a strip club. I saw the mugshots. I read the articles on Google. I saw the previous arrests that were also there. And none of it mattered. And you think it was because you were a manic?

You just you weren't, yeah. Manic and this, like, he promised me the world. Yeah. And I wanted to believe it. Should I have? Obviously not, but I wanted to so badly. I, I, it kind of, it was like overnight, I like forgot these eight months of sanity that I had had with my daughter. And like all I remembered or all I was afraid of was like living a life alone and not being able to take care of her.

And so we drove 1,400 miles with Patrick to Dallas. And from there was three years of arrests, jail, chaos, lawsuits. I mean, a series of just incredible, incredible, unbelievable stories that put me in a position where I put like I put us there like there's no there's no way that I'm gonna like talk myself out of this or make excuses for this or anything like I did that and not only did I do it once I did it again and again and again so we got to Dallas we got out away from Patrick we brought Patrick back into our lives and we kept repeating this toxic cycle which is again like, you know, so much of the book, while I don't speak directly about it, but like, when we talk

about attachment styles, like anxious attachment versus disorganized attachment, like this is textbook, right? Of that. So the first time we left Patrick was in 2015, beginning of 2015. And I managed to get an apartment somehow. I mean, again, like in the aftermath of mania. I spent every penny I have. I've killed my credit. I don't, you know. And so I managed to get an apartment. It was like in this really shitty neighborhood in Dallas. But it had these like walking paths that led to Highland Park, which if you know Dallas, that's like the super, super nice area of Dallas. And so I would always take her on Stroller walks. But I, after leaving Patrick, dipped into the worst depression of my life to date. Couldn't get out of bed, drinking morning, noon, and night,

like barely, barely functioning. And I was at the playground with her. I, it's like you're just existing in a shell of yourself. Like, you can't even, at this point in my depression, I couldn't, not that I couldn't be a mother. I couldn't feel what a mother feels. Okay, so I moved into a new house, and if you've ever done that, you know the air feels a little off at first. Between new paint, new furniture, funky old vents, who even knows what you're actually breathing in? That's why I got Jasper and I am absolutely obsessed. It's a medical grade air scrubber, so it doesn't just filter the air. It scrubs it completely clean.

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I stopped at the crossroads of the Dallas North Tollway and Mockingbird Lane. And I parked the stroller and I was at the edge of this precipice just watching like the cars just stream under, stream under red, white lights just flashing, flashing, flashing, flashing. my entire life of this Jekylline Hyde world is just flashing before me. And I remember, like, reaching up to the heavens. You probably know I'm not very religious, but I just was reaching up to the heavens. It was like, is there really nothing else? Like, somebody, is there really nothing else?

Because I don't want this. I don't want to choose. I just don't want it. And nothing happened. And I stepped closer and closer to the edge. And a literal gust of wind came and just pushed me like an inch backwards. And it was enough for me to peer over my right shoulder and see my daughter in her stroller, licking her cherry lollipop.

and I raced over to her and I pulled her out of her stroller and I grabbed her into my arms and fell to my knees with her. And I knew in that moment that she had just saved my life. Yeah, you were able to feel what I feel like you weren't, you know? It was almost like the gust of wind and making it look back is like, this is what you're here for. This is what you're living for. Yeah. And I think it's hard, you know, in a lot of,

times in our lives, lives to forget how good we have it and what we have around us. And then I think, too, when you involve mental illness in that, there's a lot that's out of your control. And, you know, but I think everyone's guilty of that, just not being present, not having that gratitude or being, you know, allowing people or emotions or things to destroy us and knock us down so low that we forget all the joy and all the beautiful things. that, you know, we're human. So it's very rare that we're able to just every day, wake up happy and see these things.

And like I said, when you're involving mental illness as well and you were still undiagnosed, right? At this point, yeah, like you're just probably like, what's wrong with me? Like, it's confusing. And it is, I think eventually you get to a point of just like being so lost and so low that you don't even know where to turn or what to do. Yeah. No, I love that.

And I think like one of the things you said made me think too that I think so many of us, one of the reasons we don't have gratitude or like see the things around us is because we're like looking for some like big grandiose, right? Like we're looking looking for the white picket fence. We're looking for like the best life ever. And we're forgetting that like actually like the best life ever is these small things, right? like all put together into one. And I'm definitely guilty of for much of my life, just searching for an ideal.

Right. Yeah, so I was undiagnosed, unmedicated, self-medicating, and that experience led me to call my mother. At this point, my parents moved back to Africa when I was in my early 20s. So I've had a global family for essentially my whole adult life. And so she flew, even though we hadn't been talking, hadn't spoke to her in like six months because of this whole moving to Texas thing. But she was on an airplane the next flight that she could get

and flew to Dallas to mother my child while I, you know, faced whatever, my undoing. And so that's when I was checked into the Texas Presbyterian in mental health ward. And so I was inpatient there for a while. And I think the most notable thing about this experience is just the mental health industry has a lot of opportunity and it has a lot of amazing people there too. And I'm so fortunate that the woman that I ended up getting my dikeptain,

from, like, at this point in my life, like, it's not like I hadn't seen a doctor, right? Like, I'd been prescribed, you know, medication for anxiety, depression, things like that, but I was never compliant. And it was the wrong medication for me. So if you're taking the wrong medication, it's, it's never going to work. So much of it is trial and error. Yes, it is. Yeah. And if you're trial and erroring without a correct diagnosis, like, you even have to trial and error with a correct diagnosis. Exactly. Anyways, but this doctor in particular, I just remember her so, so vividly, she didn't even look like a doctor. She was wearing a dress. She had her hair down. She was wearing makeup. And I remember sitting in her office. And she,

she just, I thought I was, you know, there for the interrogation of the same basic 20 questions that I'd experienced my whole life. And it wasn't like that at all. It was like a conversation. And she was helping me, like, put the puzzle pieces together. And, you know, she really listened to me. And that's when, you know, she suggested my diagnosis and I started taking lithium, was the first prescription that I've had coming out of my diagnosis. Lithium works very quickly. It's not like SSRIs where you have to kind of wait like four weeks for it to kick in. And so one of the coolest things that I remember in the inpatient unit was the morning after taking my first pill was that like when I woke up in the morning my head wasn't throbbing I could open my eyes I could move my body

the sky it wasn't sparkling but it was not gray like it was had color to it and it was like it was this really cool like no I'm not healed I'm not fixed like none of that but like it was just this really cool piece of hope. Like, you are going to be okay. Well, I think, too, coming to find that balance that quickly, I think, like you said, it is a piece of hope and it kind of gives you that, okay, things can get better. You know, like, and I, this goes with anything as well. It's whether it's medication or a good, something that's just coming to my mind, like a really good call with a friend or a good therapy session, it's like these little things that can make the biggest difference, you know, and I think it can really push us into a good direction, just like with,

if the opposite happens, when bad and bad and bad, you're like, oh, my gosh, what else is going to happen? And it just gets you so in the dumps. But I feel like something like that and having that feeling of just feeling balanced and not feeling high or low, I think that probably just made you feel like, oh, there's a different way. There's a different feeling. And that's such a, that's such a good feeling. And I feel like it's very lucky that right away you kind of were able to to see that kind of positivity and positive outcome from that. Yeah. Yeah, because there's no motivation to,

one of the hardest things to do is to, and quite frankly, most of us do it. But like when we enter therapy, when we're at our lowest of lows, that is some of the hardest work to do because it's, there's no motivation to get out of that. And there's just desperation.

And so yeah, to kind of have that like little taste. of like, you know, of what it could be. And it felt really good in the inpatient. I still stayed there for a while, you know, doing group therapy, everything like that. Once I left, I was on disability from work. I had intensive outpatient therapy every day, you know, after I left the facility. And that, again, was this, like, really safe space of, like, it doesn't matter if you're, you know,

what diagnosis you have, what meds you're on, what experiences you've. had, like we're kind of just all in it together. But then when kind of things had to go back to normal, right? Like I had to go back to work. Mom had to fly back to Africa. The real world kind of awaited. And this is like, I have different answers now than I do 10 years ago. But like, it kind of brings up all these questions of like, well, who am I now? Like, who am I going to tell? Can I tell anyone? Am I going to be judged differently? What's this going to be? to do to my daughter? Is she going to be bipolar too? And so when I kind of went back to the real world, so to speak, I honestly didn't like want my diagnosis anymore. I wasn't interested in it.

I wasn't interested in it defining me. And I was very interested in getting back to my lifestyle of drinking and partying and like doing everything that I was doing. doing and living the single life. I was finally out of Patrick's grasp. And so unfortunately, because I wasn't taking therapy seriously, lying in therapy, because I wasn't taking my med seriously, this led to another like series of catastrophic, like very, very catastrophic events. Patrick came back and it was just a whole mess. When it comes to your house or apartment, I feel like there's always something that you're looking to revamp, fix, replace, or just change to make yourself feel more cozy or just give yourself a little bit of character

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and get 5% back on every purchase. Head to Wayfair.com or shop the Wayfair app for all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. every style, every home. And so, like, what actually kind of really started shifting things for me, a couple of things. One was in 2018 and the other was in 2019. And the first was in, actually, 2017, I won a trip to Paris. I was like a top sales person at my hotel company and I had an opportunity to go to Paris for a week and I could bring a guest and I wanted to bring my daughter. I could have brought a boy.

I could have brought my sister, you know, my mom. And I was like, no, I want to bring my daughter. And we had this incredible week and there was nothing monumental about it. And this is where like we were saying earlier, like this is where I really started to feel like maybe happiness isn't something grandios. Like maybe it isn't this magnificent awakening. Like maybe it actually just is this collection of like perfect moments, drinking hot chocolate by, you know, the Louvre or, you know, playing, you know, playing with sailboats at the Luxembourg gardens or dancing at the Paris Opera House. And like, maybe if we string all of those together, like when we put them all together, that's when we find our masterpiece. And when I got back from that trip, I,

shifted in the sense that I wanted to be home. I wanted to be with my daughter. I wanted to spend time with her. I wasn't escaping, escaping, escaping. Alcohol at this stage was still a big problem for me, but I was starting to like explore the idea of like, you know, potentially regulating that. And then the second piece that really shifted for me was I had a conversation with my now husband. This was we were dating for just under a year at this point. So I met him in 2018. And I was convinced he was breaking up with me. Things had been going really, really poorly.

One of the things that diagnosed and medicated bipolar people really struggle with, is emotional regulation and nervous system regulation. And so like I was, I didn't have language for any of that. And so I was kind of just like really, really in a tough place with my emotional regulation and the relationship that we were having. So I thought we were done. And I was like, I'm just going to throw everything on the table, whatever. And so I told him I was bipolar. And he said two things to me. He said, Louise, I already know. And he said, and he tapped me on the head. And he was like, I just need you to let me inside. And that conversation was the first time that I even like started to even think that I might be able to believe that I could be loved for like all of me,

for everything. You don't have to hide anything. Yeah. And that. And it was like not only just being accepted by him, but now I'm being given permission to accept myself. I moved forward from that conversation. We were still together. We're married eight years this July. But I wasn't able to really make a lot of traction with my own growth, with our relationship, until I got sober. And so sobriety found me in 2021. it was a solid probably 18 months of me really wanting to change my relationship with alcohol and I had left like the harder drugs years prior to that, but like really wanted to change my relationship with it to manage it or to what have you.

And eventually it led to quite frankly a very unremarkable night where I had my last sip of alcohol and the next morning declared my sobriety. for good. So that was May 16th of 2021. And that was like, that was like turning point. Yeah. You know, because all of a sudden you have a clear mind. You know, prior to getting sober, like, as you can tell, like my drinking has like gone up and down this whole time, but prior to getting sober, it was COVID. And I had really gotten myself to a place where I was drinking like morning, noon and night again, hiding bottles, you know, things like that. So all of a sudden now, I'm like, oh my gosh, clear mind. And this is the first time that my medicated,

managed bipolar, went into a mania that was not destructive. Like, I totally approached my sobriety with manic energy. You know, I was like, I read every book that I could under the sun, every podcast. I got my life coaching certification through Jay Shetty. I ended up leaving my, I was director, yeah, it was like crazy. I was director of sales for Hilton. I ended up leaving that job so I could, you know, coach full time. But like the difference here was number one, when I felt myself going to this place, I called my doctor. And I was like, hey, I'm kind of feeling this way. Like, you know, is this okay? Kind of described everything that was going on. We did some blood checks. We ended up upping my lithium at the time. But it was the first time that like this

idea of like can mania be a superpower if it's harnessed in the right way and you know and if it's handled responsibly and so that was really really neat for for me to experience and um you know i've i've gotten myself to a place now where i've been able to spend time working on emotional regulation nervous system regulation i maintain sobriety i am very active in my therapy and i take my meds right And so you have all these pillars of recovery, so to speak, we'll never cure our disorder. But to manage it effectively, I think a lot of people are like, oh, yeah, just medication and therapy. But the reality is, is like, and I'm mislifestyle. Like, there's six pillars to really consider.

And we, it can feel like a full-time job. Obviously, I've made it a full-time job. I think, too, it's difficult when you're young. You know, I think so many, not that it should be common, but it is so common to want to go out and drink and party and be with men and women, whatever you want to do. You know, I think that it's, we're another thing. We're conditioned to be like, oh, live it up in your 20s and whatever else. And I think that it puts everything else on the back burner until it gets to a point where you can't ignore it anymore. And, you know, even then, you know, I knew.

I had a close friend of mine a few years back that was bipolar. And it was just so interesting because it's like he knew that like weed and alcohol would trigger it. But it just didn't. It's almost like it didn't matter at certain points. And it was just it is really sad and hard to see. But one of the main things in my experience of dealing with that and and really getting a firsthand look into mental health without. being the person with the, you know, mental health that was going on was how unimportant

things in life are that we think matter so much because it goes to show, you know, how sensitive the brain is, how fragile it is. And I think it was very scary for it, because I was young at the time. It was very scary to see how somebody could change so much and be a different person and totally not care about themselves. And I think that that's something that unless you've experienced it, a lot of people underestimate the severity of being bipolar. And I think it's a term that's thrown around a lot. Like, I'm bipolar. You know what I mean? Like, and it's like, no, you're really not. Like, you have no idea. Right. But it's something that I think even to this day, which is surprising to say, because I think there has been such an influx.

and information about mental health and people speaking out about it, which is amazing. But I still think that there is this confusion and lack of knowledge when it comes to what it actually can do to someone, the highs, the lows, and everything in between and how even when you are medicated, like you said, unless you're really at a point where you're following this strict lifestyle almost that does become a full-time job. because while that could be a full-time job for anyone, I think it's even more a full-time job because you have to hold yourself accountable.

You know how quickly things can go in the opposite direction. And okay, so I moved into a new house, and if you've ever done that, you know the air feels a little off at first. Between new paint, new furniture, funky old vents, who even knows what you're actually breathing in? That's why I got Jasper and I am absolutely obsessed. It's a medical grade air scrubber.

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That's insane for 200 bucks off. We talk a lot about taking care of our minds on this show, but the air we breathe matters just as much. Ever feel like healthy eating is harder than it should be? I get it. Nutrition can feel complicated, but it doesn't have to be. On Be Well by Kelly, I simplify the science of nutrition so you can feel better, balance your blood sugar,

and build healthy habits that actually last. Each week, I talk to leading experts, doctors, and researchers about practical ways to nourish your body and make wellness accessible in real life. Listen to Be Well by Kelly wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Wednesday. Yeah, I just think it is so important to talk about. And I love your story because not only does it shed light on that,

it also sheds light on topics that are so relatable for just your average teen and girl. And, you know, it's unfortunate because it does, I think, take a long time for a lot of us to get to a point where we recognize the toxicity and a lot of the things that we are encouraged to do in life. Yeah. And it's just the cycle that you can't break until you almost really get to that point on your own. You know, and it's hard. Yeah. I mean, like what we were talking about before, like, I think there's this idea of like being alone, but there's this idea of like loving oneself or two very different things and like that like confidence in oneself.

And that there, you could still be surrounded by people, but have that like innate. You feel alone. Yeah. Like and and so yeah, I think I don't know. It's being lost, you know. Yeah. And we're also lost. It's like we're going through life on autopilot.

We're never, we're not taught to stop and listen and find ourselves. And that can sound really cliche as well because then I feel like a lot of people would be like, well, how do you do that? But I think it really just, it simply is just time alone and time like just like and not alone on your phone. but like alone in silence. Alone. With yourself and in nature and just peace and listening to the things that we just go through day to day, just ignoring. Yeah.

Well, and I think it's interesting too because it's funny. I consider myself like stable only for two years. And you're like, wait, Louise, that's 2024. Like, what are you talking about? And in 2024, despite doing all the things, right, like that we've talked about, I went into an incredible. incredibly low depression. And that can still happen, right? Like even if you're doing everything perfectly.

Yep. Even if you're doing everything perfectly. So it was near suicide depression. I got on a new medication in addition to my lithium. But it lasted eight months. It took me eight months for me to actually say out loud, I am not depressed. So ketamine therapy and like all the things for a long time. And what was interesting about that eight months was,

I'm somebody, you may have guests that's constantly like, go, go, go, high achiever, like type A. At the beginning of that depression, I knew that I had to strip everything away. I stopped the podcast. I stopped taking clients. I stopped doing everything that I was doing, right? Everything that made me feel like I was producing. I cleared the calendar, right? That made me feel like I was important.

And it was stripped down to reading, therapy, and neurofeedback. And like, literally, that was my life. And what was so beautiful about that experience was I, this might be the theme of our conversation today, but I honestly feel like it wasn't until 2004, you know, two years ago, that I was actually able to be okay and comfortable, like, sitting with myself and like just being in that space. And, you know, I was, you know, journaling, like, writing things. And ironically, like, that's how the book even began was I was just writing these journal entries. And I'm like, you know, so in many ways, like, I look back and I'm like, wow, like the thing I'm most proud

of, like in the whole world, you know, came out of my disorder. But yeah, it was a very rude awakening. Like, I felt so, I was like, I don't deserve this. I'm doing all the work. Like, how could this happen to me? I think it's defeating. You know, it's really defeating. And I think, you know, it's really healthy sometimes to just stop and take a second because, you know, as powerful and amazing as it can feel to keep going and to succeed and to keep yourself busy, which is also a superpower on its own, that's amazing.

Not everybody has that motivation and dedication and drive. But no matter what's going on, no matter how found we are, you know, we all still as human beings have those days where something happens or maybe we're just having a bad day. You know, it's gloomy out and we're just in a bad mood because of that. Who knows? But I think that I've, this is something that I think I've gotten a little bit better with, but still I think people struggle with this is when you feel guilty for just laying down or taking a rest or taking a break and just shut it. off. And even when it comes to people in our lives, just like shutting them out for a second, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think that every now and then we have to be selfish for our mental health because that is how we reboot and regroup and come back stronger

because we all get burnt out. And I think sometimes the only way to heal is remove it all. Because you can even, I think too, too, we give ourselves almost too much credit sometimes because we think we can heal and we're fine. And then it's like if we're still using our phone and scrolling and stuff, we're still consuming so many, you know what I mean? It's like we think we have more control, but we don't. And sometimes the control that we need is just like deleting everything and just being with ourselves.

And I think that like I said, it's just so powerful, but I'm sure too, you know, whether somebody has a mental illness or even if they don't, they feel like they've been doing really good on whatever journey it might be. and then they feel like they have a setback. It happens. You know what I mean? We have good. Even something as simple as, you know, I mean, I'll just use myself as an example.

That's how I can think of. But, you know, for my spiritual journey, I feel like I've gotten so far. And then I might have a day where I'm like, why am I such in a rut? Why do I feel like I'm in my emotions? Like, I feel like I've worked so hard not to react. And we're not perfect, you know? And 10 steps back might be 20 steps forward tomorrow. And I think it's just giving ourselves grace and the more conversations that we can have about mental health and about life, these simple conversations about life and relating to each other.

And it's so powerful. And it can make you feel those little joys again. Like, oh, like we don't know each other, but we, you know, we felt similar with this. We both experience something like that. And not only that, but hearing a story like yours is so motivational. It's very powerful for so many times. different women for so many different reasons, whether you are somebody that struggles with mental health, whether you're not, whether you're just somebody that was just chasing a high. You know what

I mean? It could be any of those things. And it's a really, really important conversation to have for sure. Yeah. And like your experience is yours alone, right? Like it's like you said that you do not compare yourself to anybody else out there. You know, and I, we have a community that have a lot of bipolar, you know, folks in there. And, you know, we talk a lot about, like, our brains are different. We don't need to try to fit into a neurotypical world. Like, we need to acknowledge what we need, right? Because the regular nine to five commute to work lifestyle is actually not one that I could sustain right now. And there's a reason I had to numb and mask and hide, right, all those years. And I think a lot of people do that.

because of that. Yeah. Like it becomes so autopilot. So it's conditioned. Yeah. Yeah. So no, I love that. And I thank you just so much for your acknowledgement that it really is like universally

applicable. It is. Yeah. I really do feel like it is. And I think too, you know, like you said, it's another thing that's interesting is I think a lot of people, no matter what's going on, it's easy to feel abnormal. It's easy to feel like you want to hide things. And how you mentioned that.

when you had that conversation with your husband and you felt like, oh, like, I'm accepted. You know, I don't have to hide this. I can, you know, I think that this kind, these kinds of conversations make people realize like, oh, this is actually like really normal. This is common. You know, and it might be amplified in certain areas, but we all have something, you know. Yeah, removed by paper and insert whatever you want. Like, yes. And it's, it's a conversation that always needs to be had. And I think, I think even having this conversation with you today, you know, as different as we all are, we're also similar. We all experience similar emotions and reactions and feelings to things. And that's why I always encourage people. I'm like, tell your story. It doesn't

matter how big or small it is. Someone needs to hear it. And even if it's just for you, like the therapy in telling your story and getting it out and having just somebody to listen is, it's so amazing. Yeah. Yeah. And the more you do it. but like the more you get like clarity around it too, I think. It's empowering. Right? Like I think that's, I look back at like interviews I've done like four years ago. And I'm like, huh, that's a, I mean, I try not to cringe, but I'm like, that's a different version or experience.

We are, we are literally our own worst critics. I can't. I like, I can't watch anything in myself. I'm like, why did I say that? Why did I? We can't do that. But no, it's so true, though. And I think there is something amazing in seeing the growth and the comfort of telling your story.

Because anything you do over and over again, you just excel at it. You get better. It's like you become a professional with it. And I think that is just a really cool feeling. And to feel like you're owning your story and you're proud of it, but you're also helping others is, I mean, what more could you ask for? You know, it's very fulfilling, I feel like. Yeah. No, I hope so. And I think like there's so many different avenues of mental health world. And like there's so much that I learned over the past three years of writing this book about bipolar disorder that I didn't even know, you know. So I'm like, I feel like there's also just like an opportunity, like there's the stigma around it. There's the movie version of bipolar. But it's like, what about just the real version, right? And I think this is what tackles more of that nuanced version. Like, you know, I mean, there's definitely some extreme highs and lows there for sure. But like, you know, my whole relationship with my husband when we get to his part of the book. Like, that's all about just, like, navigating everyday life as a diagnosed person,

like that's struggling, you know? Right. There's so many different layers and chapters of your life, really. And I love, like I said, I really love and I think it's so creative that you paired that with those relationships because, I mean, I just like, even for myself, I'll look and be like, you know, like at this point of my life, oh, yeah, I was with this person. And that's kind of what we do. I feel like it's interesting.

But I love that. And that on its own is so, it's so unique and so relatable. And it also makes it, you know, I love things like that because it's intriguing. You want to hear it. You want to hear the story. You want to hear about each person and each relationship and the dynamics and how different they all are. But then you're also learning yourself throughout it.

You're learning about the person. You're learning about, you know, what they felt and experienced deep down, which at the end of the day, everybody wants to feel that, that deep connection. and I think it's really amazing and it's super creative. I love that you did that. And then I know, even when you wrote in your email, I looked back at it. I think it was a couple weeks ago. And I was like, I just love this.

Like even just the way that you portrayed it, like it's just something like this is so relatable. Like it seems like it seems simple when you think about like the relationships and our chapters of our lives. And I'm like, no, but it's so relatable. And I haven't, most people don't like say that or I think it's something we think, but we don't think twice about it. And I'm like, yeah, like, that's actually really, that makes a lot of sense. Do you want to explain a little bit what you do with the coaching? Yeah, I mean, I take on a limited client base right now just because, like, for me,

it really needs to, like, be a perfect alignment kind of thing. And obviously this year has been so focused on the book. But yeah, life coaching. So I, you know, I got my certification through Jay Shetty. I've actually worked for Jay on a few different contracts as well. So, you know, really anybody that is in the mental health addiction space is typically who I'm working with, no surprise there. And the idea is obviously that you're looking towards a future goal, right? So I do ask that all my clients are either currently in therapy or have had very recent therapy because it's a very different service than coaching.

But I have a ton of fun, you know, helping, whether it's a very different service. individuals who are like in the middle of a current struggle or they're kind of like really coming out of one is kind of for me like my sweet spot so that we can really maintain that momentum for you and like get you going on your future goals. And I think too it's it's something interesting since you mentioned the future goal thing because I think I think it can be really and I'm guilty of this as well. I think it can be really easy to think that planning out our goals or journaling doesn't do anything. Like we're like, I don't need to do that. It's in my head. And I'll never forget. I think it was, I've been, I've been with my therapist, life coach. She's a little bit of everything for a little

while now. And I remember I made a therapy appointment for the end of the year last year. And in my mind, I'm like, oh, I'm just here to talk about the things that are in my mind. And she's like, okay, so we're doing your your 2026 goal setting. And I said, I said, oh, we are. Like I had no idea. And she's like, yes. And I said, oh, okay, sure. And I was just so surprised because I didn't realize how empowering it would be to physically write down my goals, get really detailed with them, and have somebody pick my brain. Like, okay, well, how are you going to do that? And I'm like, wow, like that is to me that really is putting it into action.

And I think once again, we give ourselves too much credit sometimes. And we think that because it's in here and we think it, that's enough. But I think there's nothing like really picking your own brain and putting it down to paper. And even if you can't have that discipline to do it with yourself, have a friend do it. Have somebody do it that'll just be like, ask me this. Ask me. Ask me how I'm going to do it. Well, you can't see your own blind spots, right?

Like only somebody else can see your blind spots. Right. And like, and pick and question until you're like, okay, like it makes you think. And it's important to kind of make your brain work and force yourself out of your comfort and your bubble. And, you know, that's where real growth happens. Hey guys, don't forget about We're All Insane Plus where you can get access to bonus episodes and early releases on Fridays to every Sunday's episode. You can subscribe an app on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube, or visit we're all insane.com.