We're All Insane - Groomed Into Feederism

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

CW: This episode contains descriptions of CSA, SA, suicide, and ED. Feederism is a niche subculture characterized by individuals who find sexual gratification in the act of encouraging their partners, known as "feedees," to consume excessive amounts of food, leading to weight gain. In this unique fetish, "feeders" derive pleasure from providing copious quantities of food, often fostering the deliberate expansion of their partner's body size. While some engage in feederism consensually and view it as a form of sexual expression, others find it controversial due to concerns about the health risks associated with rapid and extreme weight gain. Feederism exists as a diverse and sometimes misunderstood facet of human sexuality, with various participants embracing it for different reasons. Rosie: https://youtube.com/@Quirkyloverosee www.tiktok.com/@quirkyloverosee https://instagram.com/quirkyloverosee?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA== https://x.com/quirkyloverosee If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, my name is Rosie and I was groomed into feederism. And it's a long story. So I guess I'll start with childhood I was born into a Mormon family I was raised Mormon I left the church when I was 18 when I was 18

We can get to that in a minute But I like when I was a lot younger We lived in Michigan That's where I was born And essentially I was molested when I was six years old And that's kind of the foundation of what ended up turning into my CPDSD which is basically the same thing as PTSD but complex. So there's some more added symptoms to it.

And it's generally towards people who either have like extreme early childhood trauma, most commonly sexual trauma. And there's just some like additional, you know, nuances to that kind of PTSD wherein you basically have like a lifetime of trauma that's accumulated. And so he lived with us for some. six months and ultimately he ended up getting kicked out when my mom like walked in on him on top of me, I guess. Not fun nor fresh. However, basically, I didn't really tell anybody the extent of what happened because what was witnessed was kind of benign compared to what he actually did.

And then when I was 23, he actually got arrested on a Fed bust. He got arrested for creating and producing child pornography off of a Nintendo DS. I don't know if that detail was actually in the news. They just said it was like a handheld device. My mom told me it was a Nintendo DS. And the girl was seven and I was six. I think I was his second victim. His first was another family member, not in my family.

And his mother, real piece of shit. Like, she's a really terrible human being. She's been estranged from our family since about that time. that was my mom's attempt to try to help his child because he was 12 when I was six. Wow. Okay. I mean, so, you know, because that's the bottom line is like, yeah, he was traumatized too. He went through that kind of abuse at the hands of people that she lit into his life. But, you know, he turned into a monster and I turned into whatever the hell I am, which is not a monster, but a, uh, sometimes a shit show. And so, um, you know, a school in life growing up was really hard.

You know, I call myself a self-determined autistic at this point. I'm actually scheduled to be diagnosed in November, so it's coming up. But I, you know, and I mentioned, like, I'm diagnosed ADHD, diagnosed PTSD, and recently finally got the proper confirmation of my MDD diagnosis, so like major depressive disorder. Because I was misdiagnosed at 16 as bipolar. Wow. So were you ill medicines for that? At times.

So I think my body always could tell, like a lot of these medicines didn't work for me. And I'll get to this in a minute because like a lot of my journey I've been documenting as of recently on my YouTube. Quirky love, Rose. Don't worry. We'll link you. It'll be down there. Just had to, you know, crack a joke there. But, no, but yeah, and I'll get to that.

Because actually that username means a lot to me. And that ties back in more like the gangstocking off of Reddit and the trauma from back in 2013 and 2015 that I experienced online. Because I didn't use that username for a long time. I used to go by Fat Rose Phoenix because the Phoenix has a lot of symbolism for me in my life. And so, but yeah, anyway, what we're talking about? What was that talking about? Oh, the MDD and the bipolar medications. So you got it.

Yeah, I try. I try. So, yeah, basically I was giving these different medications than I was younger. And I never was able to stay on them. long term until like my early 20s and I had some success for about a year but they had me on this medication for many years I got on it when it was like a drug trial it was called saffress and it was like an under the tongue um tablet yeah but it was just like it was it's like I think it might have been an antipsychotic okay which I never needed an antipsychotic fun fact um

because when you have like a special combination of like being autistic you're ADHD and traumatized, you can come off like you're manic. You can come off like you're experiencing mania, but you're not. You're having trauma responses through neurodivergency. And like there's not enough conversation about that. I feel like in the past couple of years, there's finally conversations happening about it because I didn't even know about this stuff until the past few years and doing a ton of independent research, reading different research journals and everything, just trying to understand myself better. And, you know, because I've done a lot of therapy in my life and like EMDR did for several years.

I've done a lot of DBT skills, CBT skills, individual therapy, talk therapy, art therapy, music therapy. And yeah, so anyway, kind of, so, and that's all started at the age of 10. So, like, I was bullied a lot in school. My high school experience was weird because when I went into freshman year, I went to a brand new high school. So I was the first freshman class to be in the building. There was a freshman class and a sophomore class. And when they were freshmen, they had to be freshmen in a middle school. So like it was a really weird situation.

And yeah, in middle school and high school, I was relentlessly bullied. And to the point of like pretty much every, like, no, not pretty much. Everybody knew who I was. But it wasn't for like a good reason. It was like I was the butt of every fat joke. there was maybe only one other kid there who was even remotely as big as I was because, you know, I was molested and at the age of six I started dating weight at the age of seven because I didn't remember the event of like my mom walking in on anything

because what she walked into was just like the beginnings of something. So they didn't have a full understanding of what he had actually done to me in that time. And I didn't tell anybody until I was like 16. And I told a friend, and then I didn't tell my parents or a therapist until I was 18. Okay. And so pretty much my entire childhood was literally and metaphorically shoveling everything that I could. And I was a Mormon. I wasn't out going doing drugs, so I was eating, right?

And by the time I was nine, I had really extreme depression. But that was back when kids couldn't be depressed. Right. Kids could be depressed. And I think we know that now, you know, more or less. And I think there's a lot more grace given to that, at least in like standard society. I know there's lots of like different cultures that may still struggle on those topics for sure. And it's sad too because there's no age, you know.

And especially too when you've gone through something, it's like as a child, you might try to block that out and not really necessarily remember details. But it's there. And everything that happens in life, I always say everything that happens both good and bad have an impact. 100%. It's about the experience. You know, there can be 40-year-olds that couldn't even begin to imagine what a seven-year-old has experienced.

Yep, exactly. And that's like, that's the missing nuance we had for so long in regards to mental health. And I think it sums back to a lot about how children end up getting treated like property so often or like extensions of selves of parents instead of as individual tiny humans that have individual tiny needs and that get very mighty when the world places expectations on them they never should have had to begin with. And so, you know, and my home life was really unstable. So I took a lot of solace in the church.

And, you know, I'll say to my parents' credit, they have done something that most people of my generation don't get to experience. And that's go to therapy as like boomers and like take accountability and give apologies. And, you know, I give them so much credit for that because, you know, I think a lot of people my generation were raised being yelled at a lot. And I had a lot of expectations placed on me that I couldn't meet. And no one knew why because, you know, I'm autistic. And like, I don't even need a doctor to tell me I'm autistic at this point. Truthfully, the reason I'm pursuing a diagnosis is just because I want my parents to believe me. And I've been kind of transparent about that

because at this point they still don't. And I understand why that would require a lot for them to consider about what happened in my childhood. Oh, because you think? Because my brother's autistic. And he was diagnosed when we were children and I was not. Now, is that their fault? No, because the science didn't exist.

The research didn't exist. Hans Hasberger, the guy that Asperger's is named after, is a literal Nazi scientist. Like this is all factual. Like you can do your research. It's all out there. Like this isn't like speculation. Like he was a Nazi researcher. He purposefully did not publish his research on little girls.

He did research also on like POC children and white boys. He published the white boys. And so that's why throughout the 90s and early 2000s and like the Jenny McCarthy's, is that her name? Jenny, whatever her name is. Yeah, right? Um, the who, you know, her little push on autism and, uh, you know, and the damage of autism speaks and everything and how autism's been portrayed as like something to be cured as like a disease when it's just a neuropathy and a way of processing.

And, you know, yeah, in conjunction with other intellectual disabilities and things like that, it can have far more severity in some people versus others. Right. But autism is. a spectrum and back then I couldn't be autistic because I was hyperverbal because I was hyperlexic because but I was also struggle with reading too like so I read so much as a kid like I regret the tattoo now I got this before or the J.K. bullshit but um you know Harry Potter was such a big thing for me as a kid because it was like a story about friendship and you know, you know,

I spent so much of my childhood feeling like I was never understood and had all these expectations of being like a neurotypical Mormon girl and I could never meet them. I'm feeling like a constant failure and being Mormon and feeling like that because of what my cousin had done to me that I was somehow less pure, that I was no longer innocent, that I was of the devil that there was evil in me, like these narratives that I formed in my head because I was too scared to talk about what had happened and being like 14 and being interviewed by the bishop and being asked really inappropriate questions about my chastity and having to like, am I lying to him because it's not like I chose to do anything in any of any sexual nature, but they

had been done to me. And so I wasn't ready to tell him. strange man in a room by myself with the door closed what had happened to me. I couldn't even tell my mom. And so, you know, that's what I think of, like when I say religious trauma. I got lucky in the sense that I was never abused by leadership in any sexual or physical way. I had, you know, personality disagreements, but I'm a bit spicy. So that's just kind of how life goes for me. And especially when I was younger, I was a lot more hot-headed and I was a lot more unstable because I had no sense of self. I had such a deep, deep hatred for myself.

Like, I had no self-worth, like, no grounding for anything like that. Like, I never got the environment or the opportunity to foster that for myself until I hit my early 20s. And ironically, downloaded Instagram. So I guess I'll just kind of transition out of that. Like, you know, I talk, I think I'm actually posting a video soon about my experience living Mormonism. But I left when I was 18. And what is that process like?

Isolating but also freeing. Okay. You know, a lot of people say that Mormonism is a cult. I've always called it like a diet cult. The best way I can kind of explain that because I feel like calling it a cult is a little too extreme. But the mentality is there. Like I got iced out really hard. What did your family think?

So my family's a bit of unique experience. My dad left when I was 10. I have no idea where my mom currently stands. But I believe she still believes in the gospel as far as I know. My sister is the only active Mormon left in my family. My family has never been the type to be as extreme as I've seen other Mormons, like who will just own family, things like that. like, you know, we drink Diet Coke, you know, there are some Mormons that are so,

they take the doctor in covenant so seriously, they won't drink caffeinated soda, you know, things like that. But growing up, we didn't drink coffee, we didn't drink tea or, you know, I think like that. And we would go to church most the time. I would say that for me, I clung to the church really heavily when I was young. And when I was 15 is when I had a conversation. with a kid in high school and I was kind of like we were arguing about gay rights and closeted queer me was on the wrong side of history talking like a dumbass and um spouting everything

I'd been spoon fed my whole life through the doctrine and everything and um this guy was so sick of my shit bless his heart and he finally just goes like because a lot of this I don't remember but this is the moment that's always stuck with me like throughout my whole life I was probably about 15 at the time He goes, I just don't understand why two people can't love each other. Like, what's so wrong with that? And I froze because I remember, like, there was, like, we were in, like, a social studies class or something. And there was chatter.

And the room went silent to me. Like, everyone was still talking, but to me, like, everything went really quiet. And I just had this really soft, but very loud thought of I don't know either. And then immediately, something came out of my mouth to defend myself because I needed to be right because hi I'm a Sagittarius and with a tourist moon so I have to be stubborn and um I'm not a tourist moon tors rising hey I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal on this season robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder either way Boston will never be the same listen to American criminal the murder of Carol Stewart wherever you get your podcasts or to get early ad free

access subscribe in Apple podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. Who am I? I'm glad you know all that stuff. I'm going to all of that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Cancer moon, then, if you're curious.

But, um, which is why I get so emotional sometimes. But anyway, if you, if you, yeah, I like that stuff. I don't take it like too terribly seriously. But at the same time, I take it seriously. You don't know what I'm the same way. But, um, yeah, I just, I walked away from that conversation and I was never the same. I was never the same. It started, it shook my world because my entire world was built around that.

I was very isolated as a child. I didn't do much outside of church and school. I didn't go pretty much anywhere. I mean, at one point, my parents had seven jobs between them. And, yeah, seven. Like, it was, like, that was later on in my childhood, thankfully. So it was really, like, sheltered and a little bit of, lonely a lot of time. And so, and also I just, I struggled in making keep friends. Most of the

friends that I made, made friends with me as a joke, and I was autistic and I wasn't in on the joke. And so I started questioning everything. And then I just got so angry. Like, this was around the time I got misdiagnosis bipolar because I got, I was just filled with rage. I had people telling me, like, when I was around the age of 16, they have memories of me literally like bulldozing down the hallway, like elbowing kids out of my way because I was sick of everyone's shit at that point. I had been walked all over, made fun of, like, I mean, at one point I got pants in the hallway. Some guy, like, threw a dodge ball at me in sixth grade and, like, blew the wind out of me. Like, because he did, he put all of his energy, like, all of his might

into hitting me square in the back. I mean, I had people pretending to be my friends. So I would trust them and share stuff and then go out and, like, make fun of me for it. it um like just the list goes on and on and so by that point i was like i was itching to fight by that point i was getting an i s for getting in disagreements with teachers like i was looking for opportunities to fight and um like not more not physically more or less more verbally just like because i you were angry i was so angry and like that's i think eventually what kind of led to me finally telling the truth about what my cousin had done. Well, because over time, things just bottle up and it's going to eventually spill over.

You know, you can't keep everything in forever, even if we try. Yeah. And so, you know, and eventually what ended up happening is before I made my Instagram and, like, when I left the church, I overcorrected. And that was at 18? Yeah. So by about 20, 21 is when I discovered the amateur Reddits. So part of me losing my rigidity when I was 18, like,

is actually in conjunction with how I left the church. So I met some guy off of Yago Messenger because I didn't know what the word BBW meant, the phrase meant at the time. And I was 18 and I get into the chat room and I'm like, what does BBW mean? Because I couldn't figure it out. Like all the other channels had made sense to me. And they said big, beautiful woman. And so my 18-year-old, like almost 400-pound, if not 400-pound response was,

Wait, people actually like fat people, which is the saddest thing ever. But, you know, to them, they thought I was a troll when I said, right, that makes sense. But they started getting mad at me. I was like, no, no, no, wait, you don't understand. I'm 18 and I'm fat. And so when they realized I wasn't a boy and I wasn't a troll, my DMs exploded. And I was like, what's happening? Because I was so shelter.

Like, I can't express you a sheltered. I was. I had never had a boyfriend. I had never been kissed. I had like a couple of like little high school dating moments that lasted like a couple days. This was right around the time I met my first boyfriend. It was probably shocking too because it probably felt like wait. Like I just found a community of people I didn't even know existed.

Yeah, exactly. And so like one time I had like, so my dad would build us like zombie computers and stuff. He's always been a tech guy. We call him zombie computers because he'd get parts from all these places. So it was, you know, like the year 2010 and I had a Windows 95 PC. But I had it to myself. because back then, like, most people had, like, one family computer, everybody shared, unless you were, like, rich, rich. And in which case, then you could have your own.

But you needed, like, like, big time money back then to be able to do that. Now it's like everybody has a computer, you know, some sort. But, yeah, I, I, one time I logged in and I said my ASL, because again, like, 2010. And, like, I got 80 DMs in the span of, I. I'm not kidding, like two seconds, and it crashed my computer. I was like, what is this world? And so I ended up losing my virginity and like, like, kissed and everything in one go, which is like, yeah, I wish I could have been smarter about that.

But I was, I don't know why. I got a bug up my ass that I needed to do it. So was it like just somebody random you met up. Yeah. It really sticks because he was like 10 years older. He totally took advantage of that. Yeah, like. But he happened to be local, like, live.

He was visiting. And it was just like I lied to my parents. I told him I was spending the night at a friend's house. This person is a piece of garbage. But about the time, I didn't know that. I knew her since she was like five. And back when I went through the stuff in 2020, that hopefully we'll get to, she really, like, screwed me over.

But, you know, narcissists, be narcissists. I think she was one of the first ones in my life. And it took me really long time to figure that out. because she was like a really good friend. Well, I was a really good friend to her. But I think most of our friendship she used to me. And just in general was a pretty unkind person. So yeah.

But she did cover for me. She's actually, my mom hated her because she's the one that really taught me the ways of being not Mormon to an extreme for sure. In fact, she's the one that told me about the Reddit boards because that's, So that all happened a couple years later. I downloaded Instagram.

It's like the timelines of this from like 2012 to 2016 get really fuzzy. So sometimes I get a little confused on the years or I might be off by one or two years. So I do apologize. This section of my life is a big blur, especially because of the R-Fat. The R-slash-Fat people hate drama stuff that I doubt. Well, I'm not even drama. That was dramatic. Which, have you ever heard of that?

No, I have not. They got disbanded in, I think, 2015, if not 2016, for sure. Like, Reddit had to intervene and completely remove the subreddit. Before they did, though, they had done a really good job of ruining my life. So it all started on the positive subredits at first. They have ones for, like, BBW, SSBBBW, just different, like, fat people, like amateur porn stuff, just, like posting nudes or whatever. So I started posting on there.

just like nothing like too crazy just like photos of myself and stuff and then um i was really young at the time so i was getting a lot of a positive attention and i actually met two people during this time that are very pivotal of the story one is the stalker and the other is the person who I thought was love of my life um they were both in my life for about the same amount of time and I'll get to that in a second, but basically I started posting and I had people in my DM's encouraging me to do things like chatter bait. Or, you know, this is before only fan. So like getting connected with like certain like porn sites or whatever, just like, you know, you could make a lot of money. And because especially in like the BBW SSBBBW world, like there are ways to make really good money, like especially if you know what you're doing.

and nowadays like if you already have an existing following and stuff it's not it's not hard and so um yeah so i start posting on there and then that's when the first blackmailing happened i don't have any proof to this but i believe the black mailing was done by my stalker okay how old were you at this point about i would say i was roughly 23 maybe 22 um this was in like 2012 of 2013. And this is all on like Reddit. Yeah. So, well, I had moved over to chatterbate and so I had closed on my Facebook, but the one thing I didn't do was I forgot to hide my family list. So this guy was a lot scarier than he seemed because he had found my Facebook, which, you know, to my own stupidity slash ignorance, I used my real first name because I didn't want to fake a first name, but I just

use a different last name or second name. And it probably wasn't hard to find my Facebook. And I'd locked everything else down. But basically, I was live for the third time ever when he's like, are you full legal name? Which I don't, which that weirded me out because I don't even think that was my Facebook name. Yeah. And then is your mom full name?

Is your dad full name? Is your grandma full name? Is your aunt full name? Like. And so I freaked out because at this point, I wasn't sure if my parents would. disown me for doing something like this or not. I just didn't know. We didn't communicate a lot in a very, you know, concise way at that point in time. We were still kind of reeling from childhood stuff. And I just didn't, I just was afraid of that. Like, I think also like, no matter

what age you are, like what you choose to do in your free time. Yeah. Doesn't necessarily, we don't really go into it thinking, oh, I'm going to share this with my parents. You know what I mean? No matter what age you are. Yeah, absolutely. And so it just kind of became that's a really big thing. I immediately like, so because there were people watching me as I was reading this. So I stayed silent and just you could see on my face that something was wrong.

But I just ended the live. And basically he was like, he made up some story about a guy pretending to be my boyfriend and scamming him of $300. And I either needed to give him his $300 back or he'd just. do what he said. And I didn't have $300. So I can only describe what I experienced that day as like web like rape. Like I don't, I don't know. Like it was really traumatic to be honest. Like it sucked. Yeah. And. Um. So what he just made you do things like online? Like on a Skype call. Okay. And I think you recorded it. And if I like, and what I remember is that ended and I had a thought. And I had a

to myself. I was like, someone like this is going to come back. Because I, like, not to be that person, but like, I watched a lot of criminal minds growing up. And I, I'm not fully caught up in all the seasons, but I watched it a lot. And when I was younger, I think I used it weirdly as like a coping skill. But nowadays, it's almost a little too much for me, so I don't watch it like I used to. But I just was like, like viewing it as like a profile of a guy of a, of a, of a, of a, someone who's going to behave that way. Like, I just, I was like, he's just, he's going to come back. Little did I know the day after, I'm pretty sure I was talking to him in the DMs and

he was comforting me because I'm a victim of a narcissistic sociopath. He stalked me for a total of eight years. We met around this time. I think that was his first attack on me. He led, he led the gang stalking because, a lot of women were targeted on R slash people hate. Like a lot of us, like back when I first created my Instagram, like I posted my first ever

selfie of me leaving the house at a tank top for the first time after leaving Mormonism. Like I joined the body positivity communities because I made an Instagram and at first I was like anti-instagram like oh, why do I want to get on this like app where everybody just posts food picks because again 2012. And I was a little late to the game but I was early before it got super mainstream. And so I went on the BBW tags because I knew about those and that's how I discovered body positivity, F your beauty standards. And eventually I became one of the first admins of

Pizza Sisters for Life, which was like, it started as like a joke when one of my mutuals on Instagram got wine drunk and she made a hashtag pizza sisters, the number four, Life with a Y. And it kind of became like an alt movement to things like F your Beauty, standards and stuff like that because a lot of us don't really mess with like Tess Monster for stuff she she did way before she was mainstream or sorry Tess Holiday I don't keep up with her like I don't have anything too much against her but like there's people that were a part of those spaces back then know about like a t-shirt scam and like she had she did some shifty stuff back then and you know I have no I can't speak to who she is now or you know anything like that and I don't you know I'm

not here to talk shit about nobody but um that was that was part of it like a lot of us Because at that point, that was like right before she got big. But she was really well known on those Instagram spaces and had pissed some people off and stuff. And so, yeah, we just would, I would basically just blog about my journey learning about feminism, intersectionality, POC culture, just, you know, things that being raised, Mormon super sheltered in the rural South. You know, I just, I had a bit of an awakening. And so I definitely was pretty vocal and I was 23 and I was trying to come into myself and I probably, I've done a few different overcorrections in my life. And so I think some people found me like really irritating just because I was loud and vocal and a lot of these places like the R slash fat people hate, the LOL cows sites,

Kiwi farms, there's all these different sites that are like dedicated hate forums essentially and that spend their time like basically tracking people that they call like they call them LOL calls and to be an LOL cow you basically have to be somebody that wants that people want to hate on and a lot of them have a theme of either being autistic, fat, mentally delayed in some way extremely awkward. And then those people also somehow get lumped in with like predators and like really terrible people, racists, things like that. But then weirdly these people in these forums are a lot of them.

I won't say every single one. But a lot of them are being racist, homophobic, transphobic. Like they'll like they'll target like trans people that aren't passing well to their standards. I was going to say basically like your experience on like Reddit and these, I guess, what was the other one? Chatterbate. Is that what's called? chatter bait.

Yeah. Like all of these things like so I feel like there, I mean, and this goes with anything. There's positives and negatives because I feel like there's these groups that you can be a part of. And I must feel like, oh, I fit into this category or I can, you know, benefit from this. But then at the same time it opens it up to all these evil hateful things. At the end of the day, I got targeted by one person. Okay. That was able to put a magnifying glass on me, like a tiny little aunt to set me on fire.

Okay. It's the best way I can explain it. Had that man not gotten involved, had that man not gotten involved, it would not be nearly what it became. Okay. Because when I was being posted, so like basically every time I posted our Instagram, I remember one time when I was like in the, we were in the heat of it all. And also I was in the middle of getting into this relationship.

So when I met both of these people, my stalker and my ex, I was like, you know, considering dating because when I was 19, I had been in a relationship for about five months. He ended up breaking up with me on our five-month anniversary at 2 o'clock over a Facebook Messenger. And a couple days later, kissed my best friend at my house. Then she was dating somebody else at the time who, fun fact, turned out to be a child predator.

And he claimed he was reformed or whatever. And for some, that man literally tried adding me on Facebook, like something like a month ago. I was like, what the, who the fuck are you? Bye. But, yeah, that was, this whole little saga, I'm going to kind of glance over. But it was insane because trigger warning, he tried to slay his throat in front of me. I had to jump on him, me and her, and keep the knife away from him. And I had to stop him from trying to kill himself, whether he ever actually meant to.

I think he's strong enough that if he really wanted to, he could have gotten out from me. I think it may have actually just been a manipulation tax. But, I mean, the knife was there and I was the one screaming for help as I was holding it away from him. And so I was single for about two years and then I met these people. And before I realized that my stalker was an in cell, which I figured out pretty quickly, I was like, you know, I mean, is this someone I would want to date? Like, I was in that preliminary, like, I don't know, maybe. And can you not to interrupt you, but can you explain what an in cell is?

Because I know that like, I'm just like imagining my grandma, my mom listening. Wait, what does this mean? What is this mean? Yeah. So an in-cell is just like someone who is involuntarily celibate. And it just essentially has morphed into its own slang term that kind of describes that loser sitting on Reddit for 23 hours a day with cheetah dust and empty mountain dew cans all around them. And it just has a real stank smell that is involved with these people.

Perfect. Because I'm just going to page you an image. And like the fedora's a little crusty. and the beard the neck beard is strong but the facial hair is weak

and there's a ball spot in the back and you can just see the fedora covering it just hanging on for dear life and he's sitting there

muttering under his breath about how like Jessica Alba's ugly right literally that's what you're talking about yeah like bottom of the barrel that was like a really good description

thank you it's like I just wanted to paint a little word picture for the people at home. No, that's perfect. So, no, because trust me, I have met a mini in cell and they all. But most people are online. They can pretend they're a lawyer. They can pretend they're a therapist.

It's most people that like hate you online behind it. If you're hiding behind a screen and like, and you have zero followers and it's a hidden profile. I just refer to anyone like that in cell. Inself. Exactly. Like they can cosplay that in their daytime, but that's who they are at heart. Is that what you're taking your time to do?

It's pathetic. Yeah. Okay. I could never. Great, great. I love that. Anyway, I can see that being a TikTok clip. What is an end up?

And there it is. Please, oh, hello. Got my headphones flying off. My goodness. The drama of it all. Okay. I very quickly realized I wanted to be with my ex, and we had a lot more in common. And you met him online too.

I met them on Reddit. Okay. Actually, my ex, ironically, was like my biggest tipper on the Chatterbate website. But I didn't know that until a while later. And Catterby, do you post pictures? It's a live site, basically. So like you would stream? Yeah, yeah.

And so, you know, it was interesting. I didn't make a ton of money because I would like, no one knew who I was. But people could join. But they could join and talk and get spicy if they, if they tapped. Yeah, exactly. And so it's an adult like X, X, X, X, X, X, X, Streaming site. Got it. So you met the stalker on there and then the ex-boyfriend on there.

On Reddit. Reddit. Reddit. But Reddit is what got me on Chatterbate. Got it. And then, were they both local? No. Okay.

So at the time, I believe the stalker was in Indiana. My ex, I ended up living with my ex for a few years. I moved to Omaha twice to be with him. I don't know how much we'll get into the ex on here. Okay, that's fine. What I will say is, had you done this interview with me six months ago, I would have read him for filth. But some things have transpired recently. I'm like actually in June I went I went on a trip and I didn't tell my followers where I went

but I went to go see him because we reconnected when I went to the mental hospital the first time this year again we'll get to that okay okay sorry yeah yeah so he and I met with him on reddit yeah and I fell so madly in love with him and the majority of our relationship was like monogamous and like pretty standard and then near the end things really changed because my stalker my stalker's a monster he's a self-proclaimed narcissist sociopath

did the Skype web rape thing did that only happen once or was that a reoccurring thing that only happened once and I think it's because he got so entrenched in my life he didn't need to

but he would just like what harass you well let me let me explain because it's it's more insidious than that okay so what happened was we connected as friends and I was like you know What I did someone like him, I realized very quickly I wasn't that interested, so I kind of run zoned him.

He played it cool. But basically what ended up happening was we would like video chat and stuff. And there's a program called Team Viewer that like my dad uses a lot to like do IT work and like help fix computers and stuff. And so I gave him like temporary access with Team Viewer to show me stuff on his computer. So it basically is like a viewing window. And this was when, like, I was like, I just been getting to know him for a little bit, and he showed me that, like, his use of the dark web. He showed me his back-end algorithms on how he sent out text messages and links to fish women. He showed me, like, how he's able to clone phone numbers.

And he also, and these might not all have been on one call. So my memory is really fuzzy, but these are the things that I remember. He showed me like all these different fake Facebook profiles that he used to like add fat women. At one point, this was later on, this one memory I have because I saw one of my mutuals in the recommended. and I realized he'd shown me a profile at two different points. And the mutuals had grown exponentially. And that was when I realized he had used my friends list to add these other fat women. And eventually what I came to realize was he was farming for photos that are less available

publicly. So he was friending these fat women from Instagram, like finding their Facebooks of like a lot of them will have like private family Facebooks or just like more private Facebooks. who may post photos on there, they wouldn't necessarily post publicly. And he would do that to farm photos. He, um, again, I just want to reiterate. He's a self-proclaimed, narcissistic sociopath.

He said those words to me. He would treat his Facebook like a social experiment. And he would, um, post like really egregious things just to piss people off and then tell me privately like, oh, I don't actually mean them, blah, blah, blah. Like I just, basically just like rage baiting. He, um, was obsessed with his ex. At one point he pretended to be his ex

and picked bitch fights with me through Google chat. And I figured this out in 2021. Because in 2015, when he was doing that, he like literally sent me nudes of them together, pretending to be her, like telling me to stay away from him. And I'm literally just like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about a boyfriend. Like, do you boo? I'm like, what the fuck?

And then like he sent me videos of her after getting weight loss surgery, which is one of the reasons why he hated her because she got weight loss surgery because she lost weight. And he had an archetype, and I'm his archetype to a T. There's a few other models that look like me in terms of archetypes, like hair, dark hair, dark eyes, a certain type of shape, aesthetically, you know, good looking, whatever. You know, not to chew my own horn, but, you know, I'm not ugly.

And things like that. He and he would tell me all the time that I sound like her. And so he would send me videos and like, I don't. It's the weirdest fucking thing. But he told me, like, in these video chats, his wet dream was to induce a TBI in his ex because she's a traumatized person just like I am. What's TBI?

Traumatic brain injury. So whether or not this is true, I don't know. But he believes that you can induce a traumatic brain injury in someone by creating such heightened states of trauma to kill them psychologically. And that was his wet dream. Based on everything I know about him, I believe he's addicted to trauma porn. And I believe he wanted to turn me into his own trauma porn factory. And he basically told me that as long as I don't block him, he'll never do these things to me.

And in 2021, I blocked him. So 2021. We'll get to that in a minute. But so this was all kind of the groundworks between 2013 and 2015. And did your boyfriend at the time know about all this stuff that was happening? No. Because I repeated a pattern. So you just held it all in.

Wow. So because, you know, as I mentioned in childhood what happened to me, I didn't tell anyone. When I realized how deep in shit I was, it took a little, it took a couple, like a year, maybe two to realize truly just how deep I was. I also experienced like Stockholm with this guy. Like I remember like telling him things like I love you and things like that. He actually, not only do I think he groomed me into feederism, I think he groomed slash brainwashed me into believing I'm polyamorous. Fun fact, I'm not.

I thought I was for years. And I want you to explain to what feederism is. Feederism is a kink that is a part of some of the, plus-sized faces, it's, it's hotly debated. There are a lot of people that are super against it. There are a lot of people that are really for it. And at its essence, at its most innocence, it's about like a sexual kink regarding feeding someone generally for the purpose of them being fat or getting fat or gaining weight. There's a big umbrella when it comes to feederism. And the thing about this guy is I think he was into what's called death feederism. And that's where

I have a lot of problems. And death feederism is what it sounds like. It's feeding someone to the point of getting so fat and so big that they die. And I've never been okay with that. I never made content surrounding that. But I actually had one in real life interaction with my stalker while I was, I think, a year into my relationship. I had family.

I had family in Indiana. And he knew that. And I was planning a trip to go see my family. and he basically made it clear that I didn't really have a choice about seeing him. I just needed to make it happen because I know what he was capable of. And he made it clear. So I had to lie to my boyfriend. I had to lie to my family.

It was the same weekend. I actually met the founder of Pizza Sisters for Life randomly. And I remember talking to her about it and trying to be excited about what I was going to go do, even though I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend. You know, I really didn't. And like, at the time, I didn't understand the nuance of what the coercion was. And also at the time, this was around the time where Google glasses were supposed to be the new big thing. So I think this was in 2014.

And I believe that when we met up, he recorded. me on his Google glasses without my consent. I know he stealthed me. And he coerced me into an act of feturism without me knowing what it was. So to kind of back up, when I did arrive at the hotel, I remember I got to the door and I walked in and the room was empty and I walk in and I stop at the bathroom and I realize the lights off. I look in and the energy, the aura of that room was so And I look over and I see him literally just like lurking in the corner of the bathroom with the lights off. And I'm like, like, I just, so I went into like full thawn mode. I remember I was like, I'm just going to people please my way through this.

Like, you know, I don't know if I thought about it in that terms, but that's just kind of where my brain went. So I was just like, I don't know, I felt like I was just putting on a performance. And at one point he left to go get lunch. And when he came back, I grabbed my. food to start to eat and that's when he jumped me. And I said, what are you doing? Because I'm just trying to eat my food. And he goes, do you know what feederism is? And I said, no. And that's when he continued to do what he was doing and explain what it was to create that psychological tie. So I I didn't know what to do.

And so, you know, the act finished. And, um, so did you guys have sex? I mean, yeah. I mean, yeah, it's like date rape is just, it's, it's hard. Yeah. It's hard because like in 2020, like, I was raped and it was a very different experience. Right. Um, but.

Well, I think that I don't think there's a clear cut definition. Because I was trying so hard to convince myself that I wanted to be there. Well, I think too when you're trying, it's like fight or flight. When you're trying to get through something, you do what you got to do. I really, I love my ex with like all my heart. And I hated myself so much for what had happened for so long. It took me. And at this point, he knows the ends and out to the story.

And he has a lot of compassion for me. even though like in the way that we ended up breaking up in 2021 like it was really rough because it had a lot to do with the stalker situation and um you know had i just fucking told him before that i met that man my life could have been very different but you can't think that way yeah you just you really just can't it's just like you know that act for me with ingratzer fetism i really didn't I actually kind of had a, you know, response after that event for many years. And then me and my ex broke up for the first time in 2019. But like that's when you learned about like that term. And like that's what your stalker was into. Yeah.

I mean, I think, I think my stalker was into some really fucked up stuff. Like, I think he was into death feederism. I mean. So like what did he want you to do? Just keep eat. Like would he basically instruct you like what to eat or how much to eat? Well, I can get more of that with the clients. Because for him, he was more.

more just like a baby step and it was more just like um like he essentially gave me something to eat and then like started like you know fingering me okay like I don't take it too detailed yeah but you know like and so it's more of like the act of like eating and then doing something yeah at least in that instance right but like for a lot of like the content and stuff that I did so I got back into the adult spaces in like 2019 So from 2019 till the end of 2021, I did like amateur, like, more underground adult work because I really needed the money. My ex and I broke up and I moved back to Georgia. And that was when a friend told me about a website.

That's basically like a social media website for feeders and plus-size people. and you don't have to be a feeder or a feedy to be on it, which a feedy is the person that the feeder feeds. And initially I got into it to start trying to make money. And then between, you know, trying to educate myself, the content, I was still in talks with the stalker. And like he would condition me by like sending really like salacious pictures of food to. Like this is what's so fucking weird about this story.

like he would do like weird shit and for so many years I didn't fully understand it like he would condition me into like reinforcing that like he loved me and that we had a connection and that I can have that with my boyfriend too and that's like what polyamory is but I never actually loved him I was afraid of him I was afraid of him I was I was afraid of what he could do to me because I mean in 2021 he did clone my phone number he I I was deleting all the text that he was sending and one day my finger slipped. He called my phone number. He got into my phone. He told me about, like, in 2014, how he would listen to these girls' phone calls and he would flip his mic on for just a few seconds to, like, freak him out and then turn it off again.

He did that to me. And he did it while I was driving by the hotel by my house that I lived in at the time. And I eventually was able to confirm on Snapchat. His location was still out in, I won't say where, but out in the state in the middle of nowhere. And so I was like, okay, so I think he's not actually here. At one point, like, I was scared of that. He, um, what's this fucker do? Um, he got in through my camera. He recorded me through my camera for about 18, 20 minutes and it dropped in my eye cloud

before I guess, I guess he couldn't delete it. Um, and that's what landed me trying to go to the hospital for the second time in Omaha. Because while I was in Omaha, I tried to go into the hospital three times. because I had fractured my metatarsal. So to kind of back that up a little bit, when I had blocked him, it was like early 2021, I removed him from my Facebook because I was sick of him. Like it was my first Valentine's Day with my boyfriend if we got back together.

And he sent me this message saying, happy Valentine's Day. I think like Love You or just like a heart emoji or something. I don't remember exactly, but I know it said Happy Valentine's Day. And when me and my ex had broken up, it was like the Valentine's Day was kind of the final straw of a bullshit list of problems. And he knew that. And so he sent me a happy Valentine's Day wig. Because that's kind of what he would do is it had gotten to the point where he had made, I had made myself boring enough that he kind of left me alone for the most part. But he would just like randomly poke and prod me.

Like he would send me like pictures of like nach cheese fountains with like. a bunch of like crazy amounts of food and stuff and just like things like that he would send me like a message like that it was in binary code so i had like zeros and one so i had to like decode it basically and this i just was like i'm so sick of you you disgust me i'm so done with this and so i i finally got the balls to block him because he would do things like um when he was my facebook friend one time he interacted with my dad and i have a boyfriend and i was like hey it made he really, it makes me really uncomfortable that you're talking to my dad. Can you please like stop? And he was like, yeah, sure, whatever. Next day, he's like inciting full on conversations with my dad publicly on my

Facebook page. So, you know, by that point, he, I was just so sick of his existence and my life. And knowing he had access to pictures of my niece as a nephew and like all of that, it just, I was just done with him. And so he ended up stalking me for about three months through his partner, his current partner, because he's got like seven or eight kids with like, I don't know, four or five women, unless he's had more, which wouldn't surprise me because he's the type that thinks he should spread his seed. That's another insult thing. And he, he's just a monster, man. and I got a little lost in the point of why I'm at.

Yeah, so I blocked him. And then that's when he was watching my stories. So he waited until my foot was fractured. I posted a story. The day my foot, I fractured my metatarsal walk, getting going down a step. It was very dramatic. The next day, my cash app was hacked. He did six penny charges.

And he did that. And because in 2014, so he did. did that to me in 2021. In about 2014, he explained to me how doing those penny charges was like he would do one for your most, that was tied to your most recent purchase. So for me, he did Panda Cafe because my most recent purchase had been a meal at Panda Express a few days prior. He did one as a perfume shop because it's supposed to be some psychological thing about making a woman like, you know, a fat woman feel insecure for smelling bad. Two were to be, significant locations.

So one was Indianapolis. I think the other was maybe, I think maybe Georgia and or Texas, like where he's originally from. And one was like a standard bank. And like basically he explained how like when you do it this way, the feds won't like be able to track you or whatever. And it's purely meant to be a psychological attack. That's all meant to be.

It's not meant to be. It's not meant to actually take money from them to not get. legal, it's meant to evade legal trouble. And so, you know, the exact order of how all of these things transpired, I do get a little fuzzy because, I mean, at this point, I was experiencing extreme, like, psychosis because back in 2020, when I was sexually assaulted by an unrelated party, I was basically medically kidnapped. I didn't have insurance. And I called 911 on myself after one of my supposed friends told me to go kill myself

three days after I had been raped because apparently I needed to hear his side of the story and I was overreacting because don't we just love rape apologists? and so I had like a 72-hour kind of mental breakdown and I realized that I was really unsafe. And so I went to the hospital and they sedated me. They fully sedated me. Then they walked in while I was sedated. And what I remember is the guy being like blurry and like fuzzy and like wavy looking, holding out a piece of paper. and he's explaining it to me and it's not making any sense to me at all and I go I don't understand

and based what I remember from him saying was just like if you sign this if you if you don't sign this the state won't pay for it so I signed it and what I signed was an involuntary hold which they call a 10 13 in Georgia I believe so the ER held me for two and a half days and instead of holding me for 12 more hours which whether or not they actually are allowed do that, I don't even know, but they transferred me to a facility called Anchor in College Park, Georgia. This place, I don't know how they're allowed to be open. I witnessed them be elderly patients. I experienced a lot of trauma there. I've actually gone as far as to say I feel like my stay there, not to compare traumas, but it was like more traumatic than my rape. Like,

The experience I had there was insane. They denied me water for the first 14 hours I was there. I was told I would get a hospital bed. When I arrived, they didn't have any in the facility. Because of my weight, like, I can't sleep on those cots safely. So then I was promised that we'll get you extra pillows so you can at least be elevated, be able to breathe. That didn't happen.

When I asked the nurse, the staff, whatever, when she came into the room the first time, I asked about my extra pillows. She laughed in my face and said, you're lucky to have one and close the door on my face. So I had to sleep like this. Let me show you for three days on my stomach to be able to breathe. And I actually have like permanent hand pain from it. I have permanent side pain from the lacking of medical care and equipment. I mean, the state paid for my trauma, woo. I'm sure Georgia would love to to know that they paid a facility to traumatize and mistreat me. They interviewed me naked for the psychological review in the morning because they refused to do my clothes that night. I only had one

pair of clothes with me. They didn't take care of the patients. There was a pregnant girl there and she was having food aversions and they would not accommodate her. I had to basically like profile the staff. Like I remember while I was in there, I was like, you know, walking around trying to be like, oh, hey, you know, which one of you actually gives a fuck about the people in this room? And the answer was not many. And so, thankfully, there was a nurse that cared and I was able to get her, like, extra cereal and stuff. But basically, after the first day, when I had signed a little paper, I said, I wanted

to talk to someone, no one came from me. And so the next morning, I did the same thing. And then I walked up to the behavioral health counselor that was running the morning meetings. And she was sitting at, like, the front desk. And she was looking down working at a binder. And I said, hey, like, so I was checking, I checked here on the piece of paper. I just want to make sure someone will come talk to me today. Without looking up, she looks right at, or excuse me, without looking up,

she keeps looking at what she's doing. And she just goes, we don't do that here. And I remember I went, excuse me? What? Because I thought I was delusional. I was like, what? And she repeats herself without missing a beat. We don't do that here.

then why the fuck was I there? Right. What? So, so like for my followers that have like followed my journey for a long time. They know a lot about that story.

Like, there was an incident where in the middle of the night I woke up because the room in the room next to me there was a very, she was a very mean elderly woman. Like, but that the,

she still should be treated like a fucking human being. She didn't, she was not nice to me. But I heard them beat her. like to try to like get her to call. I heard them hitting her. And she had a roommate too.

He was, when I walked out into the lobby, who was just like rocking back and forth reading her Bible. And I was able to manipulate the staff into letting me call my mom because my mom at the town was living in Norway with my dad. So it was like 2 o'clock in the morning. So it was like a normal time for them. So I was able to call her and talk. doctor and I was just like, it was, I was in prison for three days. I was in this facility.

They didn't transform the medications that they gave me in the ER over. So I actually, that first night as well, I experienced med-induced psychosis for the first time. And you know how I mentioned the psychosis in 2021? I'm now more susceptible to experiencing psychosis because of the medical malpractice that anchor as well as the ER up in North Georgia did to me. They failed me. Every step of the fucking way and I am permanently damaged from it for the rest of my life. Like I have issues with my grip strength and I also had like a rough life for the next couple of years because I was so traumatized from everything that happened within the first two weeks of January.

I ended up living like one of my family friends was so gracious as to let me live in their camper in their front yard for seven months when I could like barely function let alone work. But I mean I'm this size and I was living in a camper that was hard like my knees permanently hurt from the position I had to sleep in. And, you know, I, I always want to make sure I give them credit. I don't, I don't think it's, I think what they did for me was so gracious and kind and I'm so appreciative because it would have been much worse if I didn't have a roof and a toilet and a shower and electricity to have, you know. And I had to, and I had to clean it like every single day

because the way the camper worked with the way more water and moisture could get in, it would get moldy within like 48 hours if you weren't like constantly wiping down the water and everything that would accumulate that was a really hard time because that was during COVID so I reported this abuse two weeks later COVID happened because I didn't report it right away um for the for the assault and um I was told that basically due to COVID they weren't going to continue um proceeding And it's crazy because, like, I have written proof that this person didn't have consent for how he reaped me. And it's still being treated like he said, she said. And then back in May of this year, he posted revenge porn of me on one of the Chan's sites.

This is a stalker again. No, this is another person. Okay. Yeah. No, the person who assaulted me in 2020 is a different man. Okay. Because, like I mentioned, I was completely just like. I don't know what's the word I'm looking for

I was I guess I was also groomed into polyamory and um in a way of like thinking I was polyamorous and wanting to explore it and so when I moved back to Georgia I would go to these like BBW like poly parties um like sex parties and stuff it was a wild time and I learned a lot but were people actually having sex there just like out there just like out and

open, like big orgies? Yeah. Okay. It depended on the party. Somewhere a lot more lit than others. Wow. How many of those did you go to? A lot.

Did you enjoy them at the time? At the time? I don't know. I don't know. I feel like I was doing anything to feel alive. Yeah. Like it was just part of your journey. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like at the time, yeah. But I, looking back, you wouldn't do it again. Oh, no. No. Because what ended up happening is I kind of realized, at least for one of the party sectors, like there were some private parties that were awesome and fun and great and cute. But there was a certain sector where I found out near the end around the time I left that

they were like posting their home address on like Fat Life, which is like a fetish social media website. Like the house where their kids live. Come on. And when I found out that they were using the same. is so gross. When I found out that they were using their kids' beds to help, you know, be a part of the party and, like, cleaning out the rooms to make it not look like kids' rooms, I was like, that's fucking disgusting. And it was all about the money for them. Like, they were charging single

men, like, $60, and women were basically getting in for free. And what I realized later on is, like, it was officially like $15. But if a woman paired with a man, it only cost us. like 30 to get in. And they do- So people would go into these parties and just like- Expect sex, yeah. Okay. And like there was multiple times where like I was definitely assaulted.

Like, you know, but in the scheme of my life, like, and things that I've actually experienced and like experiencing like full-on rape and stuff and everything. It's just like, oh, you know, which isn't healthy, you know, that's not healthy at all. But that's the truth. and, you know, once I kind of realized that those parties were kind of set up to be, I don't know, I've had people like be like, that sounds like sex trafficking.

And I'm like, I don't know if it's that, that level or not. Like, I'm not an expert, but it was very, like, if you, like, it was pretty much advised, like, when the women were talking, they'd be like, yeah, I wouldn't go to those parties if I didn't have my husband or I wouldn't be at these parties if I didn't have. this man I trust to protect me because like I would go alone and I had some fucked up stuff happened to me but I also am pretty good at like holding myself down

and there was this one guy at one of the parties that came and he was like literally like waiting in the wings for people to finish what they were doing and then he would literally like jump the woman and like his okay this is really gross because he just like wanted to get like a taste of her and then he would like leave.

And he did that to me and like eight other women before he got kicked out. Eight. What the fuck is that? Yeah. So anyway, yeah, and there was just a lot of stuff like that. There was like just there was very much a culture of like protecting the men and stuff. And so when I spoke out about what happened to me, I was ostracized for it because I was very vocal. And I felt I was really angry.

and how some like the forerunners of those communities were so dismissive of me. And it's not good for business. That's what it boils down to. You know, looking back, it's like I can understand why I made those decisions and why I thought that was a good thing at the time. I just wish I had been able to make different decisions. But the thing is, is I know I would have never, gone down that path had I not been groomed into polyamory by my stalker.

Like, the feterism too, but like, I feel like the polyamory was a big, big part of it. Like, it fed into my, like, unwillingness to, like, want to commit to other people besides my ex at the time. And I basically told him, like, if we got back together, like, I didn't want to be monogamous. and ultimately now I know I think that was a sign that I probably necessarily didn't fully want to be back with him unless there were certain changes that I just don't know he's able to make. From where I stand currently, I care about him a lot. He was there for me so much.

So back on the gangstocking topic, because I didn't really kind of glazed over that with the R slash fat people hate, they posted me like one time I was posted, seven times on the top 25 of the week for that subreddit. So like pretty much every time I posted, there were people posting, making fun of me. People photoshopped me like selfies and they would Photoshop up like a cheeseburger and do the selfie. Or they, one of the ones that really fucked me up was they photo, they took a picture of me standing in a purple dress.

Like I was standing outside of a subway holding my sandwich. And they photoshopped all the excess fat off my body. so I looked like this janky, like humanoid version of myself. And they were like to, and then in a separate JPEG, they literally like just put a pile of all my like extra fat. And so basically you experienced real life bullying growing up and then online bullying. So my other question that I have for you is I know that you said growing up in your whole life basically like weight was always something that you dealt with. But with the feederism, like as far as that goes, do you think that that stalker kind of like planting that seed in your head?

Do you think that that played a role in like, did it cause you to like eat more? Like did it have any effect like that? Or was that kind of a great question? It's hard for me to correlate with that because my eating disorder is so complicated and nuanced because, I mean, I think I felt like when I really launched into feedersism in 2019, he was less involved in my life at the time. But if I remember correctly, like I think he was like really excited about it,

obviously. Because like underfeaterism, there's a lot of sub kinks. So correct me if I'm wrong. And I might like, I can't remember if this is what you said. But after he planted that seed and like you learned with that term meant, did you kind of on your own dive into that kink?

Not right away. Okay. But that was something eventually that like you kind of cater to for other people that were into that? Yes. Okay. And then it became personal eventually. Like it became way more than I ever would have wanted it to be. And when you would feed into that kink, was that online?

Was that like on the chatterbate thing? No. So chatterbate was a brief stint. Okay. So 2019, I joined a website called Phoebe. Okay. It's kind of like Fight Club. Like we don't talk about Phoebe is like kind of how they operate.

I'm no longer on there, so fuck it. I don't give a shit. Right. But they are a website that caters specifically to feeders. And I made a profile on there initially. I started getting attention because of like my, specifically my shape gets me a lot of attention in that sphere. Like my body shape and the way I carry my weight. And it started out, which is like I basically did everything like outside of Onlyfans.

Like I had a Google drive and I would just sell by word of mouth. And I priced my modeling based on like. being, the way I would explain it to people is, is like, I priced it as like if I were a high-end escort in the sense of I charge more because I'm harder to find. You can only get this through me. I'm not on clips or sale. I'm not on only fans. I'm not on any subscription service. I'm not affiliated with anyone. And it worked. And like, and because I was, and I was only working with people who would pay me those prices. So I was treated with more respect. And I also did it as a safeguard because I had been, I had my nudes leaked in like 2013 during the chatterbate fees

and the gangstocking and all that. Like, because my stalker was posting on the Redits and stuff and on 4chan and 8chan and LOL cow to lost so many sites. And that's why like I think I was posted everywhere. Other people were talking about me too, obviously. But he really led the charge. And I know this for a fact because my ex found this post and was like, hey, what's up with this? And I think it was on one of the Chan sites.

I don't have proof of it now, but my ex could attest to this. Someone wrote a post about, yeah, I had sex with her once, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then saying something about how I smelled bad. And I knew it was him because one of the things that he had. done when we met in person is he forced me to not shower first and he claimed it was for kink reasons and i didn't want to do that either but again this man scared me i ended up doing something like the way i got out from under him so like you know he did back in 2021 when he did all that stuff like and i'm sorry if this is one near this story's really hard to tell it's over many years and

there's many moving parts. Like, but near the end when my foot was broken and I had called the police and I tried the FBI again to no avail. Like, I have proof that this man stocks hundreds and hundreds of fat women. I'm a firsthand witness to it. And they just don't care. And he's probably out there doing this shit to other people right now. But see, the thing with me was I got him to trust me.

That was one of the reasons why I think I figured Stockholm. a little bit is I manipulated him into falling in love with me. Once I realize, as much as a narcissist sociopath can, I manipulated him into trusting me. Like I got his full legal name at one point. And I got as much information about him as I could. And then I made him care about me. And then I became incredibly boring. And that's how I got a few years of reprieve before everything blew up.

And he. you know, with all those things that he did, like cloning my phone number, he was like trying to get into my Instagram. And thankfully, like I had two-thought-that-factor authentication. Thankfully, I know what I'm doing and, like, I'm educated on, like, text sides of things and all of that. And, like, how did that officially stop with him? Yeah, I eventually basically went to him and said, said, hey, because it's a long story. Let me try to summarize it.

Me and this girl named Erica were a part of the same body positivity sphere. Her mom dated his half-brother. He was so abusive, his half-brother, my stalker's half-brother, that she's like, permanently disabled and disfigured. I'll leave it at that. It's not my story to tell. But she is permanently, like, unable to work and has a lot of health complications because of what he did to her.

they shared the same dad she paid for a background check because we kind of this this all came together with me because i had one conversation with him in 2014 and then a conversation with her in like 2021 and i was able to piece this all together and we we figured that out and was like what the this is the most random mind fuck and then um she paid for his background check and i was able to get his address i was able to get all this information about him and then um and I got it because of her. So I sent him this long message on this fake Facebook profile. This fake Facebook profile is the main one he showed me over team viewer.

I think it was like Liam something. And he hadn't changed it. Like all the posts and dates and all of that were all still from 2013, 2014. Because he had sat there on team viewer and like explained to me why this post was like this top, make it seem more real, blah, blah, blah. So I messaged that, and I was just basically like, hey, I know this is full name. I know you're with blah, blah, blah. I know you're at this address.

And I was like, if you don't leave me the fuck alone, I'm going to ruin your life. And hey, if I'm crazy and I'm wrong, and this is really some white dude named Liam, go ahead and message me proof. And I'll apologize. But if you don't, I'm going to assume I'm right. He left me on red, never responded. And it's been crickets ever since. And how long ago was that?

In 21, you said? Yeah. It was about, I would say, roughly June. Okay. Like, you know, summertime, 2021. And you just haven't had any more issues. Because I will ruin him. Yeah.

I will, I will, I will, he knows I know who he lives with. I know the situation with his kids. All I have to. He basically just did what he did to you. back to him. And then as far as everything else goes, are you still involved with those other websites? Or how did you get like? So, no. So I did that for a while. It's really hard for me to talk about how I loved feederism without bringing up two people I don't want to talk about. Okay. So. And just to kind of circle back to that just so I have an understanding. When you were doing that

fetish on your own was that and like you were catering to other people that have that fetish? Yes. Yes. So basically, like, how did that operate? Yeah, so basically, I mean, like, for example, one weekend, some guy gave me $600 to have, and the only stipulation is he wanted me to spend it on food. They would pay for content regarding, like, basically I would just do salacious muck bings,

but, you know, the kind of what you wouldn't put on YouTube. I never posted any of that content on mainstream platforms, even if it would have technically been safe for work, because I do have a lot of issues with the muckbang industry. And like specifically it's like it's a very like touch and go because it's there are some that are genuinely innocent and provide like a certain level of entertainment that's not sexualized. But then you've got people like nicakato avocado, you know, very clearly catering to the fetishists.

I could I could write a, I could perform a two hour video essay on what the fuck Nicocato is doing. But, you know, and it's for the money. And it's just, I find a lot of frustration. It's like, if you're going to do that, keep it to the adult platforms. Like, kids watch this shit. And it's normalizing. There's certain things that are normalized in that style of content that is not healthy or good.

And then even like muckbanks with people who are maybe a straight size or, you know, they're not overweight. There's, you know, there's just the way that you know, you go about it, how you do it. And there's some weird ones. There are some weird ones. And it's like, but also the act of a fat person eating on camera is not a muckbang, is not feeder content.

Like, and I'm very vocal about that. Like I, when I do eat on camera, I edit around in certain ways and I try to, there are certain things I try to avoid because I know what the feeders want. And I want to also be a lifestyle person. I want to cook and eat on camera. You know, I don't want to feel like I can't do that just because I'm an ex-feetors. model, you know, I don't want to feel like I have to be performative in that way. I struggle with that a lot, but because like I'm also just one person and not an expert and I don't

want to yuck anybody's yums in terms of entertainment, but like if you're like currently a fetist model and you're out there trying to make a muckbang channel, it's like just because like you're wearing clothes and you're toning it down a little bit doesn't mean you're still not making feeder content. you're just making it on a platform that's accessible to children. And it bugs the shit out of me. Like it really does. It bothers me like on a very deep level.

And so near the end of 2022 while living in Florida, I connected with someone over Instagram with the intention of being friends. I'm going to call this person person A. We never ended up getting super close. actually got close to person B. I thought it was like a genuine friendship thing, but it became very clear near the end that I was being used. And they were pretending to be my friend because they wanted me to be a model in a fetus remake of, you know, the cake sing from Matilda. I played Belinda, you know, instead of Brucey, Belinda. And I collaborated. And I collaborated.

with person B on Oath. Basically, we had a falling out that was trivial. It wasn't that, it was just like a private, like, disagreement where I had some pent-up frustration and I felt like they had not been good friends to me the way I had been. And it devolved into some really horrendous drama. Basically, there was just a bunch of back and forth. and they attacked me because it's important to mention these things because they went on the record saying that I was lying about my disabilities, which is one of the most fucked up things that's

ever happened to me, like on the internet space. And I was so angry and hurt by it. And like, it was because these were not just internet friends. These were in real life friends that lived like one of them lived like 10 minutes from me. I hung out with them a lot. Like I had developed a relationship. with one of their kids. And it was just this whole scenario that got way out of proportion to the point that,

um, you know, I had to basically, to the credit of person B, they went ahead and removed the content that I had to campaign hard for them to get taken down. Person A refused. Like,

because it was throughout this whole process of like realizing that like, the fetism was really traumatic for me that like it was um it was keeping me in like trauma loops and it was really um not in my best interest and it was hurting me and at the time i was unaware i was undiagnosed diabetic and so i was using a cane because i was struggling to walk because of the dizziness that was coming from the untreated diabetes i also have a knee injury that got worse because of person B's, like, couch getting up and down, is that their fault not necessarily. Like, I was choosing to be there and all of that, you know, but like, they knew that. And, like, they lied and said, like, I never used their, like, this whole thing started

because the Daily Mail wrote an article about me, and I used their cane instead of mine in the picture, which I used their cane often at their home because of my hurt knee. And they flat out lied and said, like, I never use it and all this stuff when, like, I was literally using it more than they were, things like that. It was very catty, weird. So these people basically in this whole experience, then you realizing that the theaterism was hurting me, hurting you.

That is kind of what made you step out of it. Yeah. It's been a long fucking journey for me. And I haven't even covered everything. You know, it's just, there's been so much that's happened. So like where do you stand now? Because I know that you said you have your YouTube platform and

things like that. So as far as now, like what, what do you use your platforms for? Yeah. So I currently go by Quirky Love Rose. Yeah, explain that. Yeah, I wanted to talk about that a little bit just because when I made that, I made that username the first time I ever downloaded Instagram. And that was before the hate forums. They would all call me quirky. And for a long time, it just ruined the word quirky for me. I recently reclaimed it. Like, I changed it back like a few months ago now, I want to say. but it just I kind of came up with it on the spot because you know I am quirky and if you want to cringe at that cringe away because I just think that you know I'm a little odd I'm silly and I like to be goofy and have fun and I wanted to build a platform you know around loving myself so quirky love

rose just really fit for me and it's a bit of a longer username Now, a lot of people call me quirky love Rosie because I didn't realize with the two E's, that actually makes sense. I intended it just to be rose, but I think at the time, quirky love rose was taken. So I added an extra E if I remember right. And is that on YouTube also? Yes, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram. I'm trying to get to $2,000 on TikTok.

So if y'all want to follow me on TikTok, that'd be cool. Good. And as far as YouTube was to, like, what do you post in there? Is it more like... Yeah, so it's been, like, vlogs. And actually I've been documenting my mental health journey a lot. So like talking about going to the hospital. In fact, like I posted a video like announcing when I was going to the hospital. I recently just posted a bit of an update.

I have been taking a little bit of a breather post my second hospital stay just because I was, I've been sleeping a lot and focusing on like kind of figuring out what my next moves are. I really want to make just like vlogs like, you know, I'm making a vlog today about like things. doing things like this and I want to make content like I do sometimes cooking videos I do like hang out lives um yeah I'm still I'm I want to find a niche I'm just not sure what that niche is yet for me I think that something that like you enjoy not that somebody else I feel like planted in your head or made you you know and I think that that can be challenging so it seems like your whole life basically has been kind of what's the word I'm looking for? for now.

Like, not inspired. That is not the right word. But like influenced. You know, like I feel like your whole life has been influenced by what other people are into or like what has happened to you. And I feel like you haven't had the chance to just find yourself. Yeah. And like live for you and who you are, which is important.

Yeah. And like I do have some accountability in that, you know. Well, I was going to say too, like, and that's what we were talking about earlier when I asked if you enjoyed those parties at the time. there's always going to be things in life that at a point in your life you might have enjoyed it and then looking back you might even regret it which is fine or you might be like well at that point in my life yeah I liked it but now I don't because it's like it's like insane it's like insane yeah it's insane that I have a story about how I accidentally ended up in a gang bang like you know what

I mean like I lived through some insane things like I've done some insane things and I can't believe I survived and um that I'm here to tell the tell for and it's It's like one of those situations where, you know, you would think like my situation that happened like when I was raped in 2020 was related to that. Because, well, the crazy part was, like, in the midst of trying to leave. Like, I was really over it. I was like the scene was getting really weird. Like a bunch of new people were coming in that were kind of fucking everything up for

everybody. And I was just like realizing how vapid and empty it all was, like the meaningless sex. Like now I'm like, I like, I'm single by choice. I don't, I'm single by choice. And I don't really take the time to worry about dating right now. Like, because, and I'm also just like, because I had my wild six months, like, I have no interest in casual sex and like living in Florida and like not wanting to have a child and stuff. Like I'm really worried about that. So, you know, I, I'm.

I live such a quiet life now. But, you know, yeah. And that's the thing is, and maybe I don't know if I've touched it on, I've touched on this enough in this podcast, but I've held myself accountable a lot. Like there's been a lot that I wish I could have done differently. I wish there were situations where I could have seen for myself better,

that I deserved better, that I had power to walk away, and leave. And so in some situations like more so than others like, you know, with the stuff. I think mentally if you feel weak in those moments, you're not going to have that strength to walk away. Like I think that's something else to really think about. Because it's like, like I said, you can always, when you're like stronger at a certain

point in your life, it's very easy to look back and say you should have, woulda, coulda, whatever. Right. But like in that moment, you didn't for a reason, whether like you felt scared for your life, whether you just were at a weak point. Yeah. I don't really think, I don't think there ever has to be a clear cut reason. Like your journey is your journey, your life is your life.

I think the most important thing is having those experiences learning from it. Whenever that happens, you know, it could take years. It could, you know, it seems to me that you, like you said, like the fact that you even sit here and you're like, yeah, I take accountability. But like, to me, it's just like, who cares? It's part of your life. It's part of your journey. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I just don't think that. I just say that because I don't think anybody needs to explain them. and it's like it just is what it is and it's just obviously there's always things that like we can want to change yeah but true story you know it's better than having a boring story sometimes true that um i feel i'm worried i'm not even telling my story distinctly enough i feel like i'm missing so many details no well something else i wanted to touch on too was you know i you mentioned that i feel like growing up with everything that you had gone through eating was like a form of coping Oh, yeah.

And I know on our call, you mentioned that you're kind of going through like a health journey right now, right? Yeah. Okay. Can you touch on that a little bit? Yeah. So, I mean, yeah, back when I was like, you know, nine years old, I would sometimes eat so much to the point of throwing up because my body physically couldn't hold the food

in anymore. Thankfully, I haven't been in that state in many, many years. But, you know, throughout my son of my early 20s, I think I still dealt with binge eating. but, you know, through the years I've done, I did ED treatment. I got diagnosed with binge eating disorder in 2017. And then I went against doctor's advice and tried intermittent fasting. And it did end up causing me to overcorrect. And so I have battled with like bouts of like anorexia symptoms.

And like to the point of like in 2019 when I was working a job, I literally passed out on the flooring threw up and they had to call an ambulance because I just wasn't eating and um you know I was also struggling financially so that was a fuel for that too but um you know I've I've dealt with that even in recent months and it's especially like when the diabetes thing happened and um I didn't know what was wrong with me I started like just having ed behaviors and like and like I've been become in a way better at like restricting myself because it's like I've gotten to a point with food that it's like now I don't even really I very rarely ever want to binge and when I do want to binge and I start to do it I feel so physically awful and

disgusting it's like I can't yeah and so now it's like my focus has been more on my like overall health and wellness and like my mental health and like getting the mentals in order because my my brain has been the thing that's been making that's made it impossible. to fully adjust this. Like, I'm not, I am not pro-weight loss surgery at all. And the reason for that is I just believe that it's medical approved starvation. There's no adequate science to me that explains how amputating your stomach and eating that little calories is any different than being anorexic. It makes no sense to me. It never will. And I think the long-term damages are not well enough researched.

Both my parents have had weight loss surgery. And my dad, like over 20 years ago. And I see the issues that he's having with his bones now. And I'm sure if you asked him, he'd say that he doesn't regret the surgery and he loves it and all that. I haven't actually asked him yet. I just because I don't frankly really want to have those conversations with people. Like, just on my way here at the airport, some lady was giving me her spiel about losing 80 pounds on weight loss surgery. You just have to go, uh-huh, thanks.

I would just like my plane ticket, please. You know, and, and, you know, that's just kind of what you experience as a fat person. And especially as someone of, you know, my fatness, right? And my level fatness. And it's just like, you know, I have been in this range that I'm currently at now. In fact, I'm lower now than I've been for most of my life. Since I was 18, 19, 20. I was over 500.

my height was like 550 but I was averaging like 532 for many years and now I'm down to like last I checked was 480 but you know I went to the mental hospital the end of April and I end up having to go back for nine days in the middle of August because of like the med regulation and everything and now that I'm like I think I'm like actually not depressed for the first time maybe ever. Good. And it's great, right? But what's been so weird is I've been in this like almost uncanny valley space of mind of like, this is so unfamiliar that it's uncomfortable.

It's good. Yeah. And like I've been having to get used to it. And then also sitting in the fact of like I believe that I may have something like fibromyalgia if not fibromyalgia. I started working with a rheumatologist a couple years ago. but because of the breakup I had to stop. We eliminated a couple things, but I have a lot of nerve pain,

and I've been dealing with a lot of chronic pain and chronic exhaustion. And I was just not prepared for when the depression was addressed, that how that didn't get better. And that also was kind of a damper on that for me. But it's amazing to feel like not so, clinically depressed and anxious as I have, you know? Yeah, and that's just going to say is like what I said before, I feel like this next chapter of your life is your journey.

Like finding yourself, doing the things that you love, getting your mental health in check. And it really seems like that's where you are for yourself right now. And that is the most important. And I really do think starting with your mental health is key because that's how everything else kind of falls into line. But yeah, I feel like your whole life has kind of been determined by everybody else or whoever is in your life.

And in a way, even these sites that you were on, like they, like I said, they influenced, they might have had some positives in the sense of it gave you these communities where in a way you felt like you could fit in, but it came with so much negative that I feel like now if you're finally in a place that you're just making your own decisions

and you're only doing things that feed positivity in your life. Like that is all your journey now and like I feel like where it truly begins. Like because if you want to talk about calls, The feeders in community has some serious cult-like mentality. Well, I feel like all of those kinks and stuff like that, they go a lot deeper than just being a kink a lot of times. You know what I mean?

And it can get really, really dark fast. Because like you said, I feel like there's levels of everything. That's right. There's like the people that, because like I recently discovered the term food play. And that sounds fun. That sounds great. You know, that's like the strawberries and whipped cream and chocolate sauce in the bedroom. kind of stuff or like maybe getting spicy with like a pizza slice or something, you know,

just like having the sense, the play of sensory. There's nothing wrong with that. Like I genuinely do believe that. But when you're getting into feederism, that's where like the umbrella opens. And it's like there's the weight gain kinks. There's the immobility kinks. There's the death feederism. Right.

There's things like VOR, which are like 100% roleplay. and technically don't really hurt anybody, but at the same time, what? Because for those that are playing at home, I don't know what VOR is. VOR is essentially the act of, it can kind of vary, the act of swallowing someone whole. So like the common frame of mind for that would be like someone my size. There's like in a lot of it being roleplay, like a very, very giant humanoid type. sized person, swallowing a man who's like very,

very small and frail or like eating like things that are not food that are huge and massive to get even. And then like it's almost like that would equate to you getting instantly as big as those things. So like it's a complete fallacy. It's all that kind of kink is worked out only in role play. You can't, you can't exist outside of role play, you know.

Right. And like giant tests. which is, you know, again, like the whole, you know, Amazon-sized women. It can be for fat people or even there are some people into Jytas that just want, like, you know, 10, 20-foot-tall women, which has, I think, a lot to do with, like, the power dynamic of the physical representation of the size differences and stuff and, like, contrast and comparison and all those things like that. where like because that's a big thing in those communities is like having someone my size sitting next to a dude who's like five foot two like hundred pounds soaking wet you know um things

like that and i mean i think to this day my photo is still used as the picture definition of SSBBW on um the BBW wiki which is kind of funny what's SS so which is it's the same thing as that but supersized so it's like a weight class essentially um so anywhere between like 350 up to 600 is SSBBW. Anything above that is U.S.S.BBW, which is kind of like how the categories get categorized for the content that gets made. Wow. Because then like there's a lot of people in the spaces that like don't engage in

feederism and are able to be successful, but there's a lot of money in Kink. Like a lot of the times when you see those models making big, big. bank, it's one of two things. They're either really good in their niche of a kink or they're really popular somewhere else. Like, that's when you're making big money on OF nowadays, that's just kind of how it is. Like, you either have your thing and you're really good at it and you've worked and built your clientele or you are like an influencer and are hot, you know, and you're able to just kind of like build it that way. And so when I launched my only fans, it was at the recommendation of someone, of the person that I connected with, basically because part of how they were paying me was in

exposure and shouting me out and stuff. Because like I did pretty good on my own, like converting sales on my own within the first couple of days. But, you know, they definitely gave me a boost on that. But the content was geared towards specifically like the theaterism side of things. like that's what makes the most money. And it was just, Irish realized as time was going on, how unhappy it made me, how much I didn't actually want to do it. I felt almost, I guess I felt almost like stupid if I didn't do it because it was just like money sitting on the table that I was ignoring. Even though it definitely doesn't bring me joy. And, you know, I want to write a book one day.

I want to be like, you know, my dream life involves like traveling and being like, you know, being paid to be myself, you know, like, I don't know. You can call me DeLulu, but I just feel like I have the capacity to do that. I just, you know, I just need the experience and ability to get in front of people and show them who I am and that I am authentic and like I just show up as me. And I have a lot to talk about. I have a lot to say and a lot that have experienced. And I do have multiple chronic disabilities and some invisible. And most of them are invisible. And I have these limitations that I never want to fully hold me back. And I'm 31 now. So now is the time for me to kind of reclaim my life and get myself somewhere.

you know, a lot of people expect me to feel this pressure to be on some, like, major weight loss journey. And while I definitely don't want to stay as large as I currently am, I don't feel, I don't want to ever feel the pressure of like, I have to lose this much weight by this amount of time, I have to be a certain size, you know, being an ex-feetist model, I actually have a lot of fear around losing weight. I have this very irrational fear that I'll get uglier as I lose weight. And that is something like I don't even know how to unpack that with a therapist because it's like no one can really relate to that unless they've been a model like at my size. And so I've got a couple friends that when I say that too.

They're like yeah, I get it. I was going to say too, I feel like it kind of boils down to a place of comfort. Like if you've been in the same in a way, it's like if you've been the same way for so long, you're comfortable there. So it's like the fear of the unknown of like, I mean, And I feel like that's normal. Yeah. And more so than that, too, if you really think about it, the only ever validation I've

ever received for my physicality has been related to my fatness. Yeah. And it's like, I'm so much more than that. And I know that. But at the same time, that doesn't change my brain from being like. This is all just a show. Yeah. It doesn't change my brain's like initial fear response.

Like, because I started losing weight. and I didn't lose that much weight. And all of a sudden I was looking in the mirror and I was already experiencing like body dysmorphia of like, wow, I look so small. No, but you don't. What the fuck are you talking about? Your hips are still above 70 inches. Shut up.

Like you're still fat as fuck. It's like, you know, I've never been one to like think of fat as an insult, at least in my adulthood. And, you know, I know that I'm beautiful and I don't, and I know that has so far. more to do with my heart and soul than anything else. And it took me a really long time to get to that point. Well, I was going to say too, I think coming on here and you are a very open person, you're an open book. I think that you speak with a lot of confidence. Thank you. And I think all of those things are signs of somebody that is just overall a confident, happy, good person. And I feel like

to me, that shows your heart and soul. Like you're not, I don't think anybody's defined by their experiences or what they have or have and done. And I think that obviously the bad experiences should have never happened, but they did. And I think that they build who you are and you have that. They're there for a reason. And I think that you coming on here in so many different ways can reach people. You know, whether people.

That's my dream. Yeah. But I think it does. And a lot of, whether it's somebody that isn't a completely different kink, you know, and might have experienced that somebody that's experienced a stalker. or you know dealing with different coping mechanisms like it's so many different I feel like points that you hit on that someone can relate to even if and I always said even if your story isn't the same or being an exmo yeah we're like a little club right and I just feel like coming on here takes a lot

of strength and vulnerability and you did that and I feel like that's a lot to be proud of and it proves that you're more than just I think everybody's more than just what they have done what they are what they what people view them as it's like yeah all that stuff. if that's only what people are going to see you as and that's their loss. Exactly. Like, because I think for me, like my life's dream include, like, I really want to write and publish a book and, like, do TED Talk and, like, you know, things like that. Like, I want to be able to share my stories and use my life experience to help other people. And, and that's kind of what I've been doing.

Like, I've been vlogging on my Instagram stories for, like, 10 years now. First, it used to be on Snapchat and often on, like, I did leave the internet. internet for some time, post the stalker stuff because actually my ex was dealing with a really nasty custody battle and one of his exes found out about what I was being targeted online for. So she decided to take that to his parents and add more lies to it, which there was already so much bullshit about me. Honestly, she didn't need to. She really didn't need to. They had more than enough ammunition. She's like, oh, let me just add this shit in here too. And so basically I was told Like, either we have to break up or you have to leave the internet because it's like,

this is too much and this could get brought up in court for like the safety of the child or whatever. And it was like a really gnarly battle of custody. He won. Thank God. But, yeah, so actually, like my first ever Instagram, I deleted it at 10K. And that was like when I went as quirky. And then I recently, when I made the name change, it was like right before I deleted my only.

fans when I started like trying to figure out what my new rebranding was going to be when I was leaving theaterism. I was like I like I was thinking back to like to who I once was and I realized like at my heart and core like the things that I was missing was just like when I my intentions when I first created my Instagram just be goofy and silly and quirky just being you and just having fun and and focusing on the things I really love and care about myself within my heart and soul, not just like portraying this image for men to double tap, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's so fucking vapid and not actually me or what I want. And that comes with age too.

It does. I think so, yeah. It's just like when the older you get, I think the more you realize the true meaning behind life and how important it is to do the things that make you happy. Yeah. And not rely on any other validation, whatever it might be. honestly but you did amazing thank you and thank you so much for sharing your story thank you for giving me a platform and I just want to say I think what you do here is really

fantastic and I took a bit of a look into what you're doing online and everything and I I think you're really killing the game thank you you seem like the kind of person that like stays in your lane and mind your business and I really respect that try to I don't have any time to go in any other lanes I can't deal with it okay yes I'm trying to my little chair and I just that's where I you know what I've been there for the past couple months now it's been fucking nice yeah it is because that's just like you know like I said earlier like I'm not here I'm not trying to shit talk nobody but there are there are unfortunately some bad people in my story that are important to the plot yeah but um I'm just so thankful that they're in my past and I only have

good things looking out for me growth from here growth from here amen to that yes no but you're incredible And like I said, I can't stress enough. I think that all the experiences that you have had have gotten you here today. Agreed. So they might, they definitely, there are some of them in there that definitely suck and should have never happened. But I think that the best thing that you can do is just be like, they happen and keep pushing forward and become better from it.

Because like you said, even the example you gave before, like you can either become a monster from something or you can kind of rise above. And yeah, everybody's got their weird things. It can be weird. They might not be perfect. Right. But like at least you're not a monster. And I feel like that.

I always say people can go one of two directions. You know, so I think it's incredible if you can use even the negative things to your benefit. Absolutely. So and that's what you're doing. And I think it's great. So amazing job. You're welcome.