We're All Insane - House Fire Left Me Homeless

Episode Date: March 18, 2024

In this episode, Erin gives us insight into the challenges that her family faced during the aftermath of their house fire - the loss, the trauma, and the journey toward healing. Their courage and determination serve as a beacon of hope for anyone facing adversity. Home Safety Checklist: https://www.safewise.com/blog/new-homeowner-safety-checklist/ If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. My name's Aaron and I was homeless after experiencing a house fire at the age of 10. Back in 2011, we were living in a small town in Connecticut in the valley, so it's like a cluster of small towns, specifically Oxford. And we had moved there just a couple years prior. We were living in Ansonia, which isn't too far off. It's all just kind of one big cluster down there.

And it wasn't exactly like a safe neighborhood, so we were trying to get out of there. We experienced kind of like a lot of violence within the neighborhood we were living in. So we moved to Oxford and I don't think we were there for more than like two years tops. And we had the house fire on January 10th of 2011. It was a really weird time. So we had the house fire and then we were homeless for just shy of a year following then. I was in fifth grade and it was just like a very, everyone always says like it was just like an average time, like an average day. and I just got dismissed early

and I thought it was kind of strange just because that doesn't happen and when I got called down to the office my mom was there and she back then used to work days my dad would work nights so I knew something was off it was like the middle of the day

why is she getting me and I kind of just kept asking like hey girl like what's going on this is really weird and she just kept saying like I love you like I love you so much and this is all like at school in the office Yeah, like as she's like signing me out and I'm like something like it's so weird and then we got

outside and like we're using my grandma's car so her mom's mom my grandma's car and my dad was in it and I can't remember if I picked up if we put excuse me we picked up my sister first or if they got me first that one kind of gets twisted up because she remembers being in the car when I get picked up and I remember her not being in there so we kind of have a little get spotty Yeah. But I remember them just being like Sophie, like our dog, our Sophie's okay. Like everything's good with her. Like she's fine.

And they just kept telling us like all these other things except like what was actually happening. So it was very like confusing. Like I thought someone was an accident or like the dog was hurt. And then they just explained that we had the house had caught on fire essentially. My dad explained it as like a very small like fire in the garage. Like nothing big. Like the fire department's still there.

we're going to go to your grandma's house. She lives in Seymour, which is, again, just tied to where we were living. So, like, the next town over. We were going to stay at her condo until we just got it sorted. And I just thought, okay, we're going to be there for like a night or two, like a small fire in the garage. Like, what's that mean? And they probably too, like, because you were still young.

Right. I was like, how much can you really explain? Right, exactly. So I was just not grasping it. And I was like, okay, it's like, when are we going to go home? And then they were just kind of like, no, like, that's just not happening. I didn't know how severe it was until we got to the condo. My uncle was watching us, my mom's brother.

And he actually showed us pictures of what was happening because my parents had to go back and deal with it. So we just got dropped off there. He was showing us pictures and we were just like, Jesus Christ. Like it was the whole, I mean, like a house is like a rectangle. Like two full sides of it were just like black and charred and there was like the car was in the driveway and it was all rusted up and messed up and stuff. So it ruined the car too.

Yeah, the car is actually what caught on fire. So we didn't know. Basically what had happened was, and I found this out late. I mean later, I don't know exactly when, but my dad had come home because he worked nights. So it was just him and my dog during the day. And my mom worked, my sister and I were in school. And he came home from the gym and he parked in the garage as was normal. And he explained it to me so many times.

And I still like, not a car girlie, not a mechanic. So I'm not really sure. I couldn't reiterate it, but he, something was fall tooth in the gas line and it leaked where it shouldn't and because the car was still hot and like had just been on, something just combusted and just like some freak like accident. So the car. That is so scary. Yeah.

The car just like blew up in the garage. Not like blew up, but like just combust it. Like it was just insane. We had like an alarm system at the time and it wasn't going off. Like the smoke alarms or anything weren't going on. My dog was just barking at the door, he said, like a lot and like was just really freaking out. So when he went down to check it out, the garage was just full of smoke. And by the time he found like an extinguisher, it was just like to get out, get out the house. He called 911.

And I mean, it was really, by the time they got there, most of the damage to the house is smoke and water damage. So the fire didn't really escape too much, but the whole house was just done. Like there was just too much smoke damage, water damage to do anything to it. And down the road, it ended up being gutted and totally redone, which is why we were out of the home for so long. But yeah, that night we stayed at my grandma's. It's like the memory from that point on is very spotty of like that whole year. We stayed there, I think for about a week. I only remember the first like day or two because my grandma had to find somewhere else to stay.

My uncle did so that my family could move into this like two room condo. Wow. For just like a week. Yeah. Until we found somewhere else to stay. But we were immediately getting like donations in like from that night like from neighbors and stuff. And it was still just. all very weird because as my sister was what seven or eight I was 10 we just weren't under like no

how it was explained we just weren't understanding like the severity or like the long term implications of what we're about to like endure I think too when you're that young like even for myself looking back when you know like even like losing a parent at that age it's kind of like you don't process what is actually happening at all until like years later then you're like wow that was really fucked up. Right. You know what I mean? Like if it happened now, it would be like way more traumatic.

Right, right, right. You know, and even then it is. But I think that our little brains, they don't know how to grasp what's going on. Yeah, I had no idea. And I'll talk about it too. Like, I had no idea how it was like affecting me or would affect me like in that. Right. Like as a child.

Yeah. Trauma's crazy. It shows up in weird ways. It's fucking gnarly. Yeah. Yeah, we're getting donations and stuff in. And I actually remember getting clothes. I was, like, so excited because we were not wealthy.

So I was getting donations in, and they were nicer than the clothes. Like, I actually had. So I was like, Slayer. Like, did you guys lose everything? Yeah. So. Like, your clothes, furniture, like, all of it? Yeah.

So it's, like, weird. So there was a big gap between the fire happening and them actually starting the rebuild. It took, like, four to six months, like, around that time. So in that time, the house was just sitting there, like, everything as it was. So my dad would throughout those months go into the house and scat like

kind of like scavenge for anything he could save. And I think we really were only able to get like some clothes and it was kind of like very smoke damaged anyway. Like even after they went to the dry cleaners, like I still remember how they smell after and it was just not it. We mostly were able to save photographs but other than that

it was like and like whatever was in like a safe we might have had. But it was pretty much like clothes on your back type type of situation. And so after that first week, we moved into a hotel, and that's where we, like, stayed for the rest of the year. But going back to school was so weird. Like, we just went back the next day.

Like, nothing kind of happened. But everyone at the school, and the whole town knew about it. Right. It was a very small town. I mean, word travels really quick. And I got dropped off a little early just because I wasn't on the bus. and they sent me to the guidance counselor and I was just like, this is so weird guys.

Like I'm trying to go to school. And every teacher, whether I like knew them or didn't know them, like staff member that I just like passed along the way, like they were just like consoling me and like sharing like, I don't know, like, oh, I'm so sorry. Like da-da-da-da. And I was just like, I had no, like it was just so confusing for me. I had no idea why they were doing that or why they were trying to offer like any type of. comfort toward me because because I it wasn't like a thing in my head yet like I didn't

realize still like what was happening and so I went to the guidance counselor I remember she was just like it just felt so weird like she was just staring at me like waiting for me to like talk about how I felt and like how I was feeling and I mean that's really all we talked about that's all I can remember her really asking me about and I was just like I'm good like can I go back to class and um it didn't really hit me um how the situation was being perceived everyone else and like how severe it really was to like everyone else on the outside until I got back

into class and it was dead silent and I remember walking in and as I came in through the door and like walked to my seat it was just like everyone turned and like was just following me with their eyes and it was dead silent until I sat down and I was just like okay yeah it was just like quiet and that's all I even remember from that day and I feel like that's how it was like back I mean I remember when I was younger like I feel like if anything happened to like any of the students it was like a thing that I feel like they told the whole school. And it was just such gossip and everyone was just like has to like. And I feel like maybe they did it to try to help.

Right. But it just put more. I mean, once again, when you're that young and then you're telling other kids and then the other kids know, like no one knows how to handle that. And we're all 10. So like we're all like ask. Like they're either just like, okay. Or staring.

Yeah. And like yeah. Because I remember like even if I would hear anything back in elementary school, it's just scared. It's like you feel bad, but how do you react? Right. Exactly. You know?

And yeah, I've tried thinking about that too because a lot of the memory of that year is really spotty, like how my friends reacted and like how like we even talked about it. And I don't even remember those types of conversations. But I had like two very close friends that were there for me and very supportive but didn't make me feel like ostracized the way other people did because you kind of had like a label now, right? Like you're like you had the fire. Like you're the homeless girl.

You're this. that. It's the girl who's houseburned. Literally, exactly. And they just never made me feel like that. They would give me like their old clothes, like old things, and they wouldn't ever make me feel like it was like charity, like how everyone else was. So shout out to them. Shout out Hannah. Hannah and Sam, shout out. But yeah, they were really cool. Hannah also, this is later down the line. But so I was in fifth grade when this happened. And my teacher was a really good support. he also kind of made me feel comforted without feeling like too weird about it like he would just kind of get me on my own time and ask me how I was doing and he was just like there if I needed to talk to

someone and him and my friend Hannah worked together to like you know like those scholastic book fairs and you get like the little magazines and circle which ones they went sick and got me like a whole stack of books and they just like so nonchalantly you were like yeah like we got you this and it would like it meant so much to me and like I still like think about that a lot and I cherish it that that meant the world to me at the time. They just did it in such a way where, again, it wasn't like, this is charity. They were just like, here you go. I think, yeah, after that, after we stayed my grandmas, I don't really remember

what school was looking like. I can't really remember other than just, like, little events. And it got more normal as the year went on because it was January, so we still had until, but June. So I feel like the rest of the school year went normal. I remember my teacher saying, like, oh, don't worry about, like, homework or, like, extra things. And of course, my mom was like, no, you're doing your fucking homework.

Like, she didn't want us to get any type of special. treatment from it and I didn't want special treatment from it either as I started to understand like what was actually going on like how it was being perceived. So yeah, after that first week we moved into a hotel in Shelton, which isn't too far off. It's like 20 minutes. At the time it was like super inconvenient because it's like you just want to be around your friends and when you're living that far. It's 20 minutes but when you're dealing with everything my parents had to deal with it's not easy or feasible to be like dropping your kids off for summer parties or for just like extra little things or staying after school for an event or whatever it was.

So it was like a very isolating experience. We also weren't allowed to have my parents didn't want us to have anyone over at the hotel. It was like a two room hotel room that we were staying in. It was like when you walked in, it was like a kitchenette living room combo thing. And then there was like a backish area and that was like where my parents were like a little room. there and then there was like a loft upstairs and that's where the second bed was so it was like fairly big but we squeezed into like we had nothing and we were still like bursting at the seams there like we it was very tight right we had our dog too and um we were able to look over like the loft

into the room so it was kind of just like one big opening like it wasn't really private it was very tight um my sister and i shared a bed for the whole year and that was something it just wasn't comfortable like at all. And just like a lot, a lot of fighting. I mean, we were going through like a very sudden, very traumatic event. And I mean, like two sisters. I mean, we were already fighting before this. So we were just fighting more. It's weird because like your family is the only one that's going through this and they're kind of the only ones that could understand. But at the same time, it's like, I just want to get the fuck away from them. Like I respectfully, we're being so fed up. Like, I just wanted my space. I wanted my room. I wanted my friends. I wanted my time.

Like I was so over the hotel life. We were there for so long. I like experienced like going into middle school like homeless and like my first slumber party like homeless and not like having like doing all these like fun things and not having somewhere to go back to and feel like comfort. It was like a very I feel like I was just floating around kind of. Like you didn't have a home. Yeah.

Like you just didn't have like that base where you could just come. Stability. Yeah. It was just I felt like I was just floating in between like school and then here and maybe a slumber party if I was lucky. I was trying to get out of there as much as I could. And then I felt back too because my sister was young. So she wasn't at the age where she was kind of going out like that.

So if I left, she was there by herself. So I felt a lot of guilt for that too and wanting to stay back, but also like needing to just get out of there. I think too, something that I feel like I'm sure you realized as you got older. And even something that, like that's a fear of mine. Like house fires, I will literally have so many nightmares about. it. Even if it's like the house next door, just because I get a thing too, like, I mean, obviously my animals and everything. Those are like always what matters most. But I don't think a lot of

people even think about how traumatic it can be to have all of this stuff that we look at as ours, whether it's even just clothes or pots and pans. Those are our things. And then to have it just in a second gone and then you're left with nothing. Like you almost in a sense lose yourself because I think a lot of people identify with their items and with their things. And if you have all of that taken, it's like you're almost starting fresh. And it's like you also didn't have the means to just go and be like, oh, it's fine. Like let me just go buy and replace everything. It's like you're starting fresh, but then you with nothing.

Exactly. Yeah, starting fresh with nothing is a good way to put it. And then, yeah, it's weird too because a lot of the stuff we were getting in at first was all like donations and charity and stuff. and it's just so awkward because I mean it was just like one of those very like cliche like you don't know what it's like until it happens to you obviously and yeah just like the whole like the whole charity thing is something that felt very weird

we were always raised like we were the ones giving and now that we were the ones like getting it was just like such like a strange flip because it literally just happened overnight like that I think too as like as a kid even just like looking back of my personal experiences I think that when you're young and you have this you have that happen and then people are just like giving to you like you like you said like and it's not like of course it's nice but it does feel like a sense of charity yeah

and I feel like for a kid that can make you feel like uncomfortable or embarrassed and especially like you said like if you're going to these slumber parties and it's like oh well they have they have things still right right like I can imagine that that was a feeling of like not embarrassed it just sadness yeah it was definitely sad and like embarrassing like I didn't like the feeling of like people looking at me and feeling pitiful. Right. Even though I was young, like, you could definitely feel that. Yeah.

Even if you don't know how to put that into words. And like I said, like, there were some friends, some people that like just knew how to be there without it being awkward. And then there was obviously just people who didn't, like, how do you, I wouldn't even know to this day. And I went through it. Like, how do you be there for someone? Everyone needs something different.

The town ended up putting together like a charity dinner too at one of the like local restaurants. And that was like another eye opener for me of. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz. from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart,

wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad-free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. Like, again, just how people were looking at my family and how, I don't know, it just felt like we were like a big charity case in that. And it was just, I'm very grateful for everyone that came together. I still am and I was. But I looked at it as like, oh, people are coming together and like just doing something nice.

And then I remember my mom being like, you need to go to like every single person here and like say thank you. Like every person that comes in like you say thank you. And I was like, that's weird. Like just because I was 10, I was like they were choosing to come here. I don't know. And it just, yeah, it made me feel like I had to, I don't know, present in a different way and kind of put on that like facade of like, okay, like I'll be grown. Like it was growing up very quickly for me. like worrying about how other people were going to feel when I was like going through like just

like some crazy ass shit yeah but yeah after that I mean we lived in the hotel for quite some time a lot of memories are spotty and even as I like I rack over them sometimes it's hard to tell even like when the memories fall into place and sometimes I literally have to go based on when we were swimming in a pool so that must have been summertime like so you're just there for so long I had a goal so my birthday's November and my family's birthdays are all April and June and I had a goal of I wanted to be back in the home for my birthday because I knew we were going to be there for theirs. And my birthday is the 8th of November

and we moved back the 22nd of November and I was so fucking mad. Yeah. So the plan was to just have the house basically redone and go back into that house. Yeah. Old house. Okay.

The cheap, like the most affordable option, I guess, with how the insurance played into it, was to just stay at the hotel for a while. And like I would do that now if I had to. I would go with what's cheapest because we already had nothing. I think looking back, it probably would have been better to try to get somewhere bigger. But again, it's like you do a cheap. What do you do?

You can. And it took four to six months, you said, right? Yeah. So we moved into the hotel. I want to say a week after the fire. That first week we were at my grandparents. And we were in the hotel from January to November. Okay.

So we were there the whole time. We moved. We were in the same hotel, but we had to move around a couple of times because they were like renovating and doing stuff. So even then it's like, we're settled. And then they're like, okay, you have to move. move out in two days to this one, and then that happens again. So it was you, your sister, your mom and your dad?

Yeah. And it was what? Just like the two beds and one bathroom? Yeah. So in the loft, it was like a little half bath. So we kind of had like our own like my sister and I, but still like her and I shared it. Yeah. Like imagine living.

It's like living in a hotel with your family. It was. It was something you can maybe tolerate for a weekend. Oh my God. We can't even do like family trips now. Right. We love each other. but it's just like I think we're so.

It's hot. That's a lot. Fucking over it. Yeah. Yeah, it was a lot. I don't really remember. We didn't starve, but like I don't really remember having like food, a lot of food in the house. Like we weren't cooking dinner there.

We were eating. I would say like we were eating breakfast and dinner mostly like at the hotel like buffets that they do like for free. Was your dog there too? Yeah, that was a pet friendly thing. Yeah, no, she was good. She was there. She probably loved it. She was so spoiled.

She was like the only dog that was like allowed in the law. because I mean, we were like living there. She probably loves all you guys being so close. Yeah, she was like, this is great, guys. You should do this all the time. But she's, yeah, she was great. Yeah, no, we were there for a while. And then, I mean, we just kind of got used to like hotel life.

I mean, just like it was set up, not like a average hotel. It was almost like condos. So there was maybe 10 buildings. So we were in building nine and we got moved to three and then 10. So we moved around in there. And we would just go off and wander, like around the premises law. I mean, there's nothing to do. other than like watch TV.

I think my parents were able to or someone in our family made it happen. We were able to get DSI exiles the week after the fire. So we thought we were like made. Like I was like, I have a DSI guys. Like I'm fine. Take the house. I'll keep the DS. But so again like even things like that, we were getting little thing.

Not little. Like we were getting things like that to kind of mask about like, keep us distracted about what was going on. So did your parents in that time like ever sit down with you guys and talk? to you or not yet? It was kind of just like, let's keep moving forward for right now. The only time, honestly, I can remember them, like, sitting down to talk was my mom that, like, night that it happened and her being like, okay, so like, we might have to stay,

like, in a hotel, like, a year. Like, what do you guys think? And my sister and I, like, had no clue. We were so excited. Like, we were like, fuck, yes. That sounds like a, like a vacation. Like, we thought it was just going to be so much fun. But it was never kind of, like, a conversation of, like, are you guys okay?

No. I don't really blame them for that. Yeah, it's just kind of, it's kind of just how it was. I think they kind of look at it as like something. Because I, sorry, I'm like stuttering. No, you're okay. If I went through that now as an adult, it wouldn't carry. I don't think the weight as it would is when I went through it then.

So I don't think, and I don't blame them for not really being able to see it in that perspective. Yeah. Because at least when you're an adult, you have like, okay, this is what happened to your car. This is what you're, this is how long the insurance is going to take. Like, we weren't getting that. And even if they were explaining that, like, you wouldn't have understood it. I don't know. Like, okay, you're telling me.

all I'm hearing from that conversation is that, okay, it's going to be an extra four to six months. Like, it doesn't really, the reasoning wasn't, like, strong enough to outweigh, like, the emotional kind of cost, I guess. And, yeah, like, even hotel life was just not it. Like, we were eating, like, the buffet food. We were sharing the bed the whole time. The hotel, actually, once the oven caught on fire while we were in there, and we had to, like, I remember just grabbing my dog, my sister.

I was like, let's go. Like, ground to, I guess. and we had to book it and stuff like that happening. So it was just like a very, it was just very retriguing, I guess, being in a place where people are in and out. We would become friends with people that were traveling. There was this one family that would come. I don't know if their dad traveled for business or if they just came to visit family or something, but we'd become friends with them and then they would like come and go.

So there was just like a lot of coming and going on top of already losing like the whole house, losing everything. And so that was just like a very recurring theme in that, you know, year. And then, I want to say in May, because it was like towards the end of the school year, I think we were kind of celebrating that. And my mom had actually told us that she was pregnant. And so that was kind of carrying, at least my sister, like, let me not speak for her. It was carrying me through, like, I would, I have no problem staying in this hotel if that means, like, at the end of this, we get to go home. And now we also have, like, a new family member. We found out she was pregnant.

That was like such like a high point for us, at least for me. So was this? You guys were still in the hotel at this point. Yeah. This was May. We had been there since January. So we were like a couple months in at this point. Probably pretty used to it.

We were getting ready for summer, which fucking sucked. I mean, like, summer already gets kind of boring when you're a kid. Like, can we do so much? Yeah. We were stuck in the hotel. But it was also the first time we ever had AC. So it was like. Wow.

Yeah. You got some positives in there. Yeah. I looked for the positives and everything. And we had like the pool and stuff. So it was cool. But it was boring. It was just very boring.

And a lot of chores we ended up doing, like a lot of things get out of the house involved going and like either visiting the house itself and like meeting contractors or insurance people or whatever adult stuff. Like all my sister and I just played and did whatever. Or going to like furniture stores and trying to plan out what furniture we're going to have, like how we're going to finance it and just. that's not cheap no no and it's figuring out what insurance is going to cover what it's not do you know if insurance gave you guys like any type of help like for new furniture anything like that or was it

or was the insurance to like help rebuild the house i think it was more to rebuild and it probably covered so going back a little we the first couple months we spent so much time going and we called it i think just like the list we had to make a claims list sorry i might be a little too far back We were making a claims list, and we had to literally either go into the house and find it or just remember off top our heads and write down every single thing we owned and find it. And either we or insurance had to, like basically price it out so they could see how much we lost in like a lump sum. Got it. And then that makes sense.

And then cover that. Wow. And then anything really besides that, I think, was out of pocket. And it was like an old house from the 70s, so to modernize it and everything. I was going to say they probably will cover what you guys had. And that's it. Right. And nowadays it's like you can't, you're not going to find.

Came and make houses like that. No. And you're not going to find. Even like a couch. Like if you want a new couch, you're not to find it. That shit came from my grandma's house. Like it's not getting that back. It's crazy.

Yeah. Absolutely. Like right, unless you get something that is from like a secondhand store or something like that, you can't get anything new. Cheap at all. We went more broke basically trying to like upgrade our home to where it needed. to be and not even to like get extra things to like splurge like literally just to get what was out needed um yeah um yeah and a lot so we spent a lot of time doing the claims list and i went back

into the house before they gutted it one time and i still don't know how i feel about that like sometimes i'm like oh i'm glad i did it but it was like extremely traumatizing really seeing my house like it literally looked like a haunted house like everything was black everything was charred it was the middle of winter so like the toilets were frozen like anything water was frozen it was just not on it was cold it was like an abandoned house the furniture was still there and everything was water damage smoke damage everything was black and charred um that's like i'm sure you had a lot of memories yeah i was like i was looking at all my stuff that was just like destroyed and the one moment like i always remember is going into my room i collected webkins back then i had like 30 of those and i remember they were in

like decent condition like if they just got cleaned up like could have kept them right or at least a decent amount and we just didn't have the space and my dad was like you could pick one to bring back and that like to this day still gets me like that shit gets me so upset um and just like the loss of things too and like wanting things for yourself I think maybe I'll talk about that later but just like the wanting things for yourself and just like not being able to literally see what's yours and take it or fix it. You just have to like kind of keep pushing. Yeah. Like on to the next. We got Webkins and stuff afterwards and I didn't even fucking want them. Like I literally didn't want them. I thought they were garbage. Like I was like I wanted mine. Yeah. And I think in a way too like at that time in your life,

that was something you collected. And like it was special to you. Right. So losing that. Right. That's like the value isn't the value isn't the same. Exactly. Yeah. It's like there's definitely, I don't think people realize this, but like there are things that can't be replaced. Yeah. And it's, I think it's more of a mental thing than the actual physical value. For sure. And I still have like anything that we were able to save from the fire, like toys or pictures like I still keep. Yeah.

But yeah, we spent a lot of that summer. I mean, just doing like the, I mean, once the claims list was done, I believe that's when insurance kind of kicked in, was able to like start doing their part. So after those four to, I don't know if it was four months or six months is somewhere like that, after the list was done, they started to gut the house. So I think the frame was like literally like that. that's all that was there. And then we just kind of built it up from then. And yeah, everything was

good until about like the summertime. I think it was August. We had found out my mother miscarried and she was pretty far into the pregnancy. I want to say like five months. And that was my, I mean, aside from the fire because I at this point didn't look at the fire as like loss. I just thought it was like that was the fire. Because again, I'm 10. Like I didn't realize like it was lost. Like it was just like, okay, it's like a fire. Like I had new things. Like it wasn't hitting yet and it really didn't until like years later that it was like a loss but um yeah the miscarriage fucked us up that was my first introduction to like the loss of a family member because at that point that was we had like names picked out we knew it was a girl we were planning when we went to

the house what used to be my room because it was like a three-bedroom house was getting planned out and fitted up to be like a nursery and I was going to share room with my other sister like we were very in deep everyone in the family knew like it was like a whole thing. Also I think like you said that was something that you clung on to. Yeah. I got you through it. It did. And then that was taken away.

Yeah. It's like what the fuck. Yeah. That. That, obviously the fire was bad. That on top of it, that's when like a lot of like the trauma started like symptoms started showing. I remember from like literally that night that we found out on like my sleep was fucked up.

Like I wasn't able to sleep at night. and my sister had really bad sleep as well. It's, like, embarrassing. But I started to, like, pick out, like, my eyelashes and, like, my hair and stuff. Like, I was very, like, anxious. That's called something. It's, like, trick. Yeah.

Something like that. Yeah. I actually think somebody was, might come on the show about it. Yeah. So I was doing that for a while. I don't know if they said, like, I guess is it some sort of, like, coping mechanism? I've heard, and I don't know how correct this is, but it's almost like an OCD-type thing. or it's like a compulsion.

To me, it was like a self-soothing, but I felt very, like, I don't even know how it started. Like, I probably literally felt like, oh, like whatever. I don't know. I don't even know. But it just started happening. I wasn't eating right. Like, I was dissociating a lot. I remember telling my teacher, like, I can't focus.

Like, I'm just, I'm like not here. And I didn't really get any help from that. They were kind of like, okay, like, you go talk to guidance. And it's like, I told her the same thing. And she's like, okay, well, you keep talk, like, you know, you can always talk to me. And it's like, well, I am. And I just wasn't really getting the help. I also, no one really in my family, like, I don't really know if they really picked up on it.

And if they did, it was probably just like a, like, they just really wouldn't notice it. Like, I remember once my mom noticed the whole, like, eyelash thing. And she was just like, oh, okay. It was just kind of like that. And I probably at the time didn't care because I was probably just like, okay, like, let me do my thing. But yeah, looking back, it was just like a lot going on that I was like, okay, like, that's like, these are really obvious symptoms of trauma that I'm kind of surprised like no one picked up on. And yeah, I remember too, we grew up religious and this was like a really weird time for me

spiritually where I was 10. So it's like whatever concept of God you have at that point in religion. We were raised Catholic, Roman Catholic. And I was turning, I guess, to like prayer a lot because it's like, who do you talk to? And we were always, we always believed in like guarding angels and all that. So I would pray a lot. And I remember I would always pray for my, before we found out the gender of the baby, I wanted a brother. So I'd always pray for a boy.

And we found out when we found out it was a girl, I was a little like, darn, but like whatever. Like, who cares? Like, it's a baby. And then not too soon after, like, my mom miscarried. And I remember being like, that was my fault. I, like, I asked for something and I wasn't grateful. Like, that was my fault. And so that started, like, a lot of, like, that started, like, a very weird relationship with

me and like my religion. And I remember the, I mean, the day after we found out my mom miscarriage, she had to go in for surgery and make sure she was set. My grandma watched us. And I remember my dad, my grandma had made these points. And they both said them very differently. Like, maybe this was just supposed to happen. Like, maybe if this baby was born, like, it would, like, something bad would have been, like,

there would have been something wrong or just something, like, worse than the pain of, like, losing the baby now, like all in God's plan type thing. Everything happens for a reason. Yeah. And so I took it as like, okay, God wanted this to happen. Yeah. Like I just took it very like, that's what you're saying. Like, I took it very literally.

And so that also started an issue where even though it's God and everyone could think what they want, it was like, to me, God at that point was like some, like a diary. Like I could just talk to like if I can't sleep or if I just. And it felt like a relief to me. And after that point, too, I couldn't, I felt like I couldn't turn to religion. I felt like I couldn't really turn to my parents. I mean, my mom was, like, going through it. Like, we were all just in mourning very differently.

And it's like how I can't even go to my room to cry. Like, I'm crying in front of you guys all the time. And it's just like how much of this can we, like, put up with and how much of it can we tolerate before? It's just, like, too much. Like, we just didn't have, like, a proper way to. mourn. And after my mom, like, went in for surgery and everything, like, we just never talked about it, like, ever again. And I never really got that closure. And so that messed me up for a while, like trying to come to terms with that and trying to make sense of that. Because to me,

that felt like a person that felt like something tangible that I was very much holding on to. And now we just didn't have it. Now we just never talked about it. And that's also where a lot of, like, dissociative feelings came where I just thought, like, I was just fucking. crazy. Yeah. Like I felt like this all these things were happening. The fire, we had to move into hotel, the baby. All these like losses and changes were happening and no one was taking the time to like dumb it down or not even dumb it down, but like sit and just talk with me and like walk us through it on a level we would understand. And so I felt like I was floating in between like events or like places or like scenarios and I just didn't feel like connected to myself. Like I felt like I was

just very dissociative. And I feel like that's why I don't remember a lot. of like the specific day-to-day memories of living there or like of what we did after whatever happened. And that's something too, like to this day, like I still very much struggle with. Like I was talking to like friends before this. I feel like I'm going to come on here and talk about like some bad dream I had because that's how like removed you become or I've become from it. And I've gone over like over it so many times in my head that it just doesn't feel real. Yeah. But like I, the only reason I know it is is because people will talk about it.

it or like because of the like just long-term like traumatic implications I guess of it. So yeah, I mean, I don't remember too much of the day-to-day hotel life other than just what it was. I mean, we got up, we went to school. My parents made every effort to keep any sense of normalcy we had. So they would wake up extra early just to drop us off at the bus stops. We could ride the bus with our friends. And just like things like that that I definitely noticed and appreciated.

but at the time, you don't really, like, how do you word that? And, yeah, that was, so we lost the baby August, August to November. I mean, I just kind of don't really remember a lot of it. I know I started in middle school. I remember my starting my first day of, like, sixth grade there, and that was so ass because sixth grade art. Like, middle school is so gross already that, like, just being homeless, like, did not help at all.

And then it started to become closer to moving in. The baby, the nursery was no longer going to be a thing. So I was going to go back in there, which was like another just like this fucking like this. Like it felt like it shouldn't be mine. Like again, I'm somewhere where I feel like this isn't mine. The hotel wasn't mine. My grandma's place wasn't mine. This room doesn't feel like my.

I didn't even feel like I'm getting a little head myself. So we moved back. We're getting ready to. I remember like the first night back. It was so anticlimactic. Like I remember I was like waiting like a whole. almost like a whole year to move back in. Because your birthday wish.

I know, right? It was like finally, like I got to do it. And like, I was like, why do I still feel like awful? Like I felt like it would just like everything would be like relieved. Like, okay, like back to normal. But I just felt like worse. Like I was like, I just want like my house back. Like it didn't feel like my house.

And to this day, like I still don't feel connected with like that building. Like it, I don't like being there. And not even in any way that's like it's a beautiful home. and my parents did everything they can and have to maintain it and keep it how it was and make sure we had everything we needed and then some and they absolutely have. I can't say they haven't. But just like the not being able to work through those traumas either with them or with someone, even within myself, like it was just like there was just a huge disconnect and I still feel

that huge disconnect with the like house itself. It just doesn't feel like, like if I could have it go back to how it was like before, I think, too, we naturally, like, get this feeling of, like, eerieness. Like, if something bad happens anywhere, it's hard. I mean, that's why a lot of people, if somebody passed, like, if a really close love one passes away in a house that you lived in, people move out. Yeah, exactly. Like, it's almost like, it's just this weird vibe that's around it.

It's, like, something you can't really shape. It felt weird. Yeah, definitely. It was just not right. I think it takes a certain kind of person to just blow things off. Yeah. Like, there are people like that. where you can literally just keep it pushing it.

Like maybe they just are people that are better at not dealing with things. I don't know. But I think that most people would feel that way, like the way that you did. I think my parents, they've each gone through like a lot. Like as children, I mean, everyone does. But I think they thought of this, I guess in comparison to what else they've been through as not. They were older too. Exactly.

They had that experience. But as a kid, you don't. So I absolutely understand. why they felt and pushed the way they did because now as an adult, I would do the same. Right. I mean. And they had kids. So it's like they can't break down and stop.

You can't laugh when you have kids. Exactly. I remember thinking like, I remember once I was just like, I feel like I was in the car. And I don't know how it got brought up. But we were talking about how my, like, we've never seen like our dad cry. And I was like, I want to see you cry. Like I was just like a kid. Like it wasn't even like supposed to be weird.

Like I was just genuine. Like I've never seen this man. cry, seen everyone else do it, like, it's your turn. I don't know. And he got so mad. Like, he was so, like, you don't say that to anyone. Like, don't. Um, so we just had like a very, like, you take your hit and you keep pushing. Like, so that's kind of the attitude we have. And I think that's helpful. It's helped that attitude has helped me in a lot of other situations. But in this one, when you're 10 and this is like the first biggest thing you've ever gone through and it's a lot happening in such a short amount of time. I couldn't do that. Like I was like in no

child can really do that. And if they are, there's a lot going on underneath the surface. And there was. We moved back, we actually had to go back to the hotel because there's something wrong with the water heater. So again, just like small things like that, like the moving around a lot was just very like triggering. And it's like, okay, I'm back in the house. Now we're moving back. It's just like there was no stability still. And I don't really remember too much of like the first weeks, I guess, of moving back other than we probably just acted like nothing happened. We were just like so grateful. And I was to have my house back and to have nicer, newer things than what we left it with. But that's when a lot of, like, my self-isolation started.

I was in sixth grade. Every day from school, I would come home and just, like, shut myself in my room. And I wouldn't talk to anyone for, like, hours. My dad would go to work not too soon after I got home. Like, I shouldn't want to talk to him. Like, my mom would come home and I wouldn't want to talk to her. My sister would want to – I feel so bad to this day. My sister would want to play with me, like, all the time.

Like, she would just want to be with me. And I was just like, I can't. Like, I don't want to see anyone. And like I wouldn't even do anything like in my room. Like I would like sometimes I would most of the time like I was just like sitting there like just listening music or like just literally sitting there like just doing fucking nothing. I couldn't even tell you like what I thought about or what mentally was going on. Like it was just like I was just clocked out. Yeah.

And like the memory. It was so it's weird how the memories are affected like by trauma too. Because like when everything was happening I can remember every detail of everything. Even up until recently like there's some things you remember every single detail of. and then it's like gone the next day. Like I've had a lot of issues with my memory and like just memory lapses of that year. Also not being able to like,

it feels like I can't trust my memory because like some things I remember differently than my sister does, but everyone always does. But it would just be like a lot of not being able to trust my own memory too and that just kind of messed with my head. I don't know.

I just was like I just did not have anyone to walk me through what was happening. So when you're left to your own like 10, 11-year-old devices. It's like what what positive are you really going to get out of that? Like I was really just like kind of spiraling in the trauma and not getting support or like a healthy outlet for it. And yeah, that's something that to this day, it still kind of affects me, especially like with COVID and everything that happened. I had to like leave campus. And I ended up moving into the condo where I stay at now that we stayed at the week after the fire.

Wow. Yeah. So, and it's like my sister and I stay there. And while I'm grateful to have it, I'm still just like, it's still just so associated with that trauma and with like, it's like the in-between place. Like I stayed at this condo in between the house fire and like the, or my house and the hotel. And even though I've been at the condo since like COVID started, I still feel like it's in my, it's like my in-between place.

So I can't feel like, I don't feel settled there. Yeah. And I think that, you know, as healed as you could be from the trauma and what happened, right. That place is what it is. You're going to remember it for what it is. So I think it would take probably you having a brand new, like of your own home where it feels like, okay, I can settle here. This is my home.

And even then, like, there's a chance you'd still have the fear of like, well, or even it might be hard to, not, the word doesn't appreciate. But I think it would be hard to like allow yourself to take it all in because you might have that fear of like, oh, well, I could I could lose all this too in a second. Exactly. And that's a sad way to live. Right. And no one should live that way, but it's realistic. It is. It happened to you.

So it's unfortunate. It's like even if you replace something and you feel a little bit more stability, you probably, I don't say probably. Hopefully you don't. But like you might still have that fear of I can lose it. Absolutely. Definitely. And that's like a big part of like, just. just the OCD that's kind of come from that.

Not really doing like the eyelash thing anymore, but like the whole, like I'm still very like a picky person and just I get very like if things aren't the way I envision it or need it to be like it's like like you're done. I'm going to start screaming. Like it's really like it's I'll throw a whole tantrum. And it's embarrassing because I would like to think I've gone through something that's where I've had to be adaptable. So like I should be adaptable now and I'm just I'm not like I'm.

It shows up in different ways. It does. Like I hate change. I don't, it's hard to feel like settled and like this is mine. Like this is like my place. Like like you said, like I keep thinking like once I have a place it's like in my name like this is mine. I'll feel so much better.

But then again, it's like something. I can come out. A different way. Yeah. It's just like how I thought everything would be fine when I moved back in the house. If you don't deal with the emotional baggage of it, like the house isn't going to mean shit. Like you're always going to carry that with you. And I do think I think everybody should have talk to somebody.

And I always say this. whether it's actual therapy or just whatever works for you. But once again, it's like you can do all the healing that you want. And I don't think that ever, I don't think that journey ever stops, which isn't a bad thing. But I just think naturally as humans, like we always find something that can be like a little bump in the road that makes us upset or makes us feel that trauma again. And I don't, I think that the trauma that happens to us, I hate saying it. I mean, it does happen for a reason, but I hate saying it happens for reason because nobody deserves trauma. Right, right.

But I think it does give us a little more clarity and reality. And I don't think it's the worst thing to kind of live knowing that you can lose anything. Right. You don't want to spend every day thinking that way. But I do think it kind of helps you be more realistic and not live in this like la la land of, you know, everything is great. Because we live in a scary world and fucked up shit can happen. But I think it's just about coping with it and dealing with it and still finding like a healthy, in between where you can live and be happy but still know there's a chance of something bad

to happen but we're not going to focus on that you know what I mean there's definitely as many negatives as there have been I feel like being able to not attach myself to like the future or like what could happen or couldn't happen that's been very helpful important not that's come from this because I mean I know firsthand many times like things could just change so quickly like literally in a second in a day and a year. So I try not to put too much pressure on what's the next second day, month year, whatever going to look like for me.

Because no matter how much you plan it, like it's, you can't depend on that. Yeah. And the attachment thing is a big problem. And I think too, like, I mean,

even kind of what I said about like my nightmares and my dream, like about the house fires, that comes from like a sense of fear of losing things. It's like because you feel this attachment of like this is mine. I read this book once. I can't remember what it's called. Shit, what was it?

I can't remember. But it was a good book. And it's hard because it's like even though it's a good book and it makes sense, we can't really just read something and follow it. Yeah, exactly. But it was just saying how you should never identify with any object, whether it's a person or an animal. Like you can say that like, yeah, I have this, which should never be looked at as yours. Because when you lose it, it's going to be that much more painful.

Yeah, definitely. But it's hard. It is hard. Everybody must be like, this is mine. I bought this. So it's mine. Right. As an adult now, I still struggle or not still.

I think I've more come into it now that I have like adult money. But like hoarding. I don't want to say I'm a hoarder. Yeah. You could walk through the house. Right. I like definitely have a lot harder of a time letting go of things now or feeling the need to like stock up on things just to have them.

I don't travel lightly. I got you should see the trunk. I'm here for one night and this thing is packed up. Like even the bag I have now, it's like deodorant tooth fresh. Like things I would need in case like I'm displaced or something. So things like that still carry. I think I've gone to therapy and it's been helpful just finding the right therapist is always the oh yeah hardest part I got yeah a lot of good therapy stories it is really frustrating you know because it's like

how many times you want to tell your story exactly and every time yeah that's the hardest part it's a pain in the ass I don't think people like it's so annoying I want to just type it up and be like just read it on your own time right here's my story let's see if we hit it off and then if not I'll be moving on to the next I need like a resume or stuff to just switch it up but therapy has been helpful um I did get diagnosed PTSD multiple like by every psychiatrist therapist I've seen. The last one, she actually not changed it, but she labeled it as C, PTSD, which is like the complex post-traumatic. And it's basically when you've gone either through multiple things

or something prolonged or mix of the both. And I feel like that was super fitting for this type of situation because it was just not only such a long-term, not a long period, but there's also like just multiple losses. So I've resonated a lot with that diagnosis. And it's, I mean, I check off like every box. Like every time like I go to get screened for it, it's like literally every box. So it's been a long time dealing with it.

I think the first time I got legitimately diagnosed, I was 16 or 17. And my mom was like she came into the room after the appointment. And they explained the whole diagnosis. And I just remember her being like, right? Like afterwards, she was just like, really? Like she just had no clue. And, yeah, I mean, it's still something to this day, like nightmares or something. Like, I have something, like, that's something I struggle with pretty much, like, nightly.

I've tried, like, medications for it, and they just haven't really hit. Yeah. I am on an antidepressant now. That's also been something that's been really hard as getting on, like, a good medication. I think that's something that would absolutely benefit me, and it's something that has. It's just, like, staying. Remembering to take a pill is, like, really hard. for me.

And then just finding one, I don't know, just like that just makes you feel like yourself and just makes you feel like. It doesn't have side effects. Right. That makes you. Yeah, yeah. That doesn't make you feel like just disgusting or just like you're without your body or whatever. But yeah, that's.

And I think your story too, it can resonate with so many people because one, I mean, I even remember growing up, they were, I mean, and I was young. And I still, it's like little things will stick with you. I have a horrible memory now. Yeah. But it's funny because little things you'll remember from when you're so young. And I remember when I was so young, there was a kid I knew. I don't even know if he went to my school.

But I knew him from growing up. It might have even been from like kindergarten or first grade. Something like when I was really young. But I knew his name. I knew he was. And I think his family had a horrible house fire and they might have lost everything. But like I remember it. And once again, I don't remember what I thought as a kid.

I knew it was scary. Right. But it's, it's. So my point is, is I feel like whether there's people. that have experienced that or then if there's people in other places where there's been horrible storms and tornadoes that have just completely wrecked their house or the floods. And it's like there's so many, unfortunately, so many different ways that something like this can happen and all of your things can just be ripped from you.

Yeah. And I think that that's not something that many people experience all at once. And to have everything just taken at once, it will take a toll. Yeah. And I just feel like people, it's hard to realize, like you said, where that can come up down the road, but it's like, it's interesting to hear that it's like the hoarding thing. It's like people, and there's people that have that hoarding, they hoard really bad. And it almost makes you wonder like if something happened that kind of when calls that.

You know what I mean? Yeah, definitely. It's, yeah, the way that things come up has definitely opened my eyes. And I'd like to hopefully think that it's made me more, I'm not a patient person, but more patient with other. Sorry. But I feel like I'm more patient with other people's. like things if that makes it in a sense of like okay like if you're if I walk in your house and it's dirty as how I like I used to not have a house like I don't give a shit like it's just like

stuff like that where it's like or like why are they horrid like why are they doing that thing or like she's really picking a lot or doing whatever like you're not as judgmental yeah yeah you just kind of you're like you don't know right what type of shit they've gone through or just like how something they've gone through is still like impacting them to this day and I think that that that is definitely something. I think that what we go through it, it definitely can help us in ways like that. But unfortunately, I feel like it doesn't always help us when we're alone. Right. You know what I mean? We'll have it come out in other ways. And a lot of those times, it's like, it might take therapy to kind of make you aware of, wow, I might do this because of what I've

been through. Yeah. And it's so we don't even realize it. Yeah. Which is nuts. And the two might not even seem like they relate, but they do. Yeah. No, therapy, therapy isn't helpful and just time. that one's like really annoying and I know that time doesn't doesn't always heal but time kind of allows for you to grow around it and as time has gone on it's been a decade I remember when the for like the 10 years hit of like the anniversary I was so just like are you fucking like I know time does it's weird yeah doesn't feel like it sounds like a lot 10 years but yeah sometimes it feels like not that it was like yesterday but doesn't

feel like it was 10 years it feels like I just woke up from that right I feel like that was just a dream or sometimes it feels like a lifetime like a go. Like that was someone else's life. Exactly. Right. I don't even know who that is. And I think too because it happened at such a young age and I'm only 23 now and it was 10 when I happened.

Like that was half my life ago. So sometimes my life feels like before fire and after fire. Yeah. Where I like literally break it up into like who I was before then and who I was after. Yeah. It's like a little Eros tour. So I don't know. It's just been I don't know.

It's been kind of just crazy the way like triggers. or things like come up. Like you'll be driving one day and you'll see something, you'll just like burst out into tears or just like ugly sob and heave and need to like puke or something. Like it's just. I think too, obviously, thank God everybody was okay. Right.

You know, and it wasn't worse. Yeah, exactly. And because I think there's, and I hate to view things that way, but you could always look at things like that. Yeah, yeah. Thank God. Like everyone's okay. Yeah.

You know, and things like that. And obviously the circumstances weren't the best and they were shitty. But you got through it. And I think that I always tell my guess, too, the fact that you're able to go through something that obviously impacted you. And then now you're at a point that you can sit down and talk about it to a random stranger. And then also to like on camera to whoever else is listening, that says a lot to me where

you are in your journey. And I feel like that's nothing to just like shy away from. That's important. And of course. And I think too, I mean, hopefully like I always say to my guess, like I hope that this. experience in a way is like a part of the healing journey too because it's like, okay, I get to sit down and basically spit it all out in detail, get it out there. And then it almost feels like I feel like a weight is lifted in a way. And obviously it's not, I wish I could fully heal everybody

comes on. But no, I think that it's incredible and it takes a lot of strength and courage to sit down and sort through your feelings and say it without getting choked up. It's nerve-wracking. It's a very vulnerable position. Like you're talking about years of feeling a certain way or multiple different ways to a random person. So honestly, like I always say to people like you should be so proud of yourself. Thank you. Because it's not easy to do. Really?

No, for sure. It's not. Yeah. And you traveled for it seriously. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. No, you've done such a good job. Thank you.

That's what I was hoping with this because it's something I think about every day. And as time goes on, it's like not so much every day. It's like every other. Yeah. Sometimes I'll literally be like, damn, like I spend a whole week without thinking about that. And I'll just think about how crazy and how big of like a deal that is for me. And like I said, it's been over a decade. I'm just fucking over.

Like I'm over it at this point. Over it in the sense of I'm sick of having this like weight in this thought. Like always in my mind about this chapter. Like I'm ready for it to like literally just be a chapter and just be like pushing on. And I think you'll definitely get there. I think even when you're still in your 20s, you're still young. in your brain. I mean, I know that they say, like, I think for women, it's like, we don't, our brain like doesn't fully mature until like 25 or something. Yeah, yeah. And it's funny because

I didn't know that until I turned 25. And then when I did, I was like, this is weird. My thoughts are different. I look at things differently. But I do think that you will hit a point where it's more of something that has happened, but it doesn't define you. Yeah. And but it takes time for sure. A lot of time. I mean, you can, and like I said, we don't even realize it. we might think we're over it and then it pops up or we might think we're over it and then we realize we do this weird thing that's because of it. But it's all normal. I think it's just finding a place within yourself that you feel that piece and that you can

just accept it and be like, yeah, that's part of my journey, but I'm here now and I'm proud of where I am and kind of like I said, in a way, just look at it as I know that anything bad can happen, but I also know that I could overcome anything. You ever came it. Right. It might have sucked. For sure. But you got through it.

thing yeah definitely you know so props to fucking yeah thanks