We're All Insane - I Lost $10 Million Gambling

Episode Date: March 9, 2026

#foryou #podcast #ad Support your cells and how you age with Mitopure® Gummies from Timeline. Visit https://timeline.com/insane and save up to 39% off your Mitopure® Gummies. Growing up in New York City with a news anchor mom and a lawyer father, his life looked stable from the outside. Behind the scenes, addiction took over. Multiple arrests, a 900mg-a-day Oxy habit, and a gambling addiction that cost him over $10 million pushed him to the edge of losing everything. Louis's Links: https://linktr.ee/nothingsoffthetable www.youtube.com/@nothingsoffthetable https://www.instagram.com/nothingsoffpod -We're All Insane PLUS for Bonus Episodes, Ad-Free Listening, Access to New Show, Guided Mediations: https://wereallinsane.com Merch is live ↓ - OFFICIAL MERCH NOW AVAILABLE - code INSANE10 gets you 10% off for a limited time: https://shop.wereallinsane.com - Join We’re All Insane Mailing List for EXCLUSIVE Content + Discounts: https://mailchi.mp/6d0e5d7a3998/were-all-insane If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Who are you? Tell me. What happens if I don't know who I am?

I mean, you better fall. figure it out right now. I'm Louis Regiro. We're here at We're All Insane with Devorah. Yep. Oh, man. You got this. I know.

It's really crazy. Where does your story start? It's crazy to think about like my life, the last, I'm 31, but really the last 16, 17 years. And when I told my mom that I was coming on this podcast, she's like, oh, what's the name of it? I was like, it's called We're all insane. She's like, oh, you're fucking perfect for that one. Yeah. I can curse on this, right?

Yes, you can. And, you know, I'll start from the top. I'm born and raised in New York City. I grew up in a very loving, privileged household. I grew up in a very high-pressure household. My father is a lawyer, and my mom is a news anchor in New York for, she got mad me for saying this, but almost 40 years. So growing up for me, I was always in this.

like kind of spotlight of like everything I was doing was always under a microscope, whether it was for better or for worse. And, you know, like people would ask me like, oh, what's it like with your mom being on TV? And I like, was just like, that's my mom. I don't, I don't, I never knew any different. That was the way, that's the way it was before I came into this world. That's the way it is to this day. It was just, it was just normal for me.

But I, I don't think as a young child, you're kind of. able to comprehend what the ramifications are of that and how as you start to get older and make mistakes that maybe not all, but some teenagers and young adults make, everything is kind of thrown in this spotlight and we'll kind of get into, I'm an addict in recovery. I'm sober three years this month in January. Congratulations. Thank you. Yeah, it took me 10 years to get one year sober. We'll we'll get into those fun years. I'm also a compulsive gambler. I just hit a year in gamblers anonymous took me 10 plus years to get a year in that program as well. Two very important causes in my life today and something that I'm really passionate about. I just started my own podcast

seven months ago. It's called Nothing's Off the Table with Lewis Regiro, focus on addiction. But the last couple months really been focusing a lot on the gambling stuff given how legalized and glamorized and cool it is now, especially with the youth, which it's not. It's very, very dangerous thing. But we'll get into that. So I grew up in Manhattan. I went to Catholic school until fifth grade. I got kicked out of Catholic school.

Then I went to this private school. Like you kicked out. Oh, my God. So. You're like, I was going to skip. I was just like, I was a mischievous kid. I wasn't a bad kid. And I tell people all the time that most addicts aren't bad people trying to get good.

We're sick people trying to get well. And that was, I was an addict before I ever took a drink or a drug or a place to bet. And so for me growing up, it was always like little things like, you know, getting in trouble in class, throwing shit out of the school bus window on the way to school, like just like little mischievous things. And, you know, I going back to kind of like where my upbringing, how my upbringing was my mom at the time from before I was born up until I was a sophomore in high school, she did the 10 o'clock news. So she worked from 3 p.m. till midnight. And this is, we've come to this realization after like decades of therapy.

I didn't see my mom a lot. And I really yearned for her nurturing and loving. and blah, blah, blah, whatever. And I would feel as though there would be more attention. I would get the attention that I wanted when I was in trouble. Whereas if things were just going status quo, like my mom was just kind of like focused on her career and like, you know, trying to be the best that she could be so that she could provide for my sister and I,

which now at this age I really do understand and respect. So I got kicked out of Catholic school and they sent me to this private school in Brooklyn called Poly Prep. I get kicked out of poly prep in seventh grade. And at this point in time, I was in, when I was in Catholic school in second grade, I had ADHD. This was 2000 in 2001, right? This was like at the height of when all of a sudden this word ADHD was coming out and like

they were throwing all these kids on Adderall or concerta or whatever, whatever it was out there. I was put on 120 milligrams of concerta and I was in second grade. That's crazy. And I'll never forget her name and I don't care of blasting her name's Dr. Ann McBride. And I used to go to her and I used to complain and say I get these crazy headaches. I really hate this medicine. And it was kind of like too fucking bad because the only time you sit still and focus in schools when you take your medicine.

So I was put on this medicine very young age and the truth of the matter is is that it kind of doled me. Like I'm this very outgoing, sometimes very obnoxious person. Sometimes it benefits me. Sometimes it's not. And when I took this medicine, I was just like dulled out.

And it also doled me out in my athletics. I like was afraid of contact. Like I was overthinking everything I did when I played my sport. So I really, really hated it. And it also created this like binge eating thing. Because when I was on it, I wouldn't eat.

I wouldn't be hungry. And then the weekends, I wouldn't take my medicine out, binge eat all weekend because I haven't fucking eaten all week. So my early childhood, like I was like going always like from like Adderall skinny kid to like now this summertime, I'm always getting pudgy because I'm with my grandparents. I'm eating pasta and chicken parm and I'm not on my medicine. I'm eating Tate's cookies and all the goodies my grandparents kept in the house. And that also led to like bullying and people.

calling me meatball. That was like my nickname in middle school was the meatball, which I owned and I loved, but I think like deep down inside as a young boy, like still kind of hurt a little bit to be called that. I think too at that age, you don't really fully understand and grasp. Like I'm sure you kind of put it together of like, oh, when I stop taking my medicine, I'm eating more and I'm getting bigger. But at the same time, I feel like that back and forth, it's a lot on a child, even for

your health and everything. And the crazy, this is the even crazier part about it was like my parents, it got to a point by like fifth, sixth grade where I was like so impulsive and like couldn't control my emotions or behaviors that like they didn't know what to do other than to listen to these doctors. Like they just had no idea what to do. So when the doctor said he has to take this medicine and then I would take the medicine and I'm like, I'd get in trouble less and like my grades would go up and I'd be more focused around my academics.

They'd be like, okay, he has to take the medicine. But when I would come back and say, it makes me feel like shit. I get these headaches. I don't want to eat. I don't like playing. Or when I play football, like I'm afraid and I'm overthinking. It was kind of like a too bad type of situation because they just were not equipped to handle. Like I was so out of control sometimes and that like they couldn't figure it out.

So I wound up going to the school polyprep and I went there to play football. And it was supposed to be like, okay, like different environment. He's playing football. Like, this is really great for him. And this is what he's meant to do and blah, blah, blah. And I wound up getting kicked out of there also. I, in seventh grade, I got suspended eight times for throwing shit out of the school bus window. I lived in Manhattan.

The school was in Brooklyn. It was like an hour bus ride every day. And I was in fifth grade and you're on the school bus with fifth grade through 12th graders. Okay. And all the 12th Gitters would like instigate me and like egg me on like throw this fucking bottle at the window. I'm like, all right. Fucking throwing shit out the window all the time. So I get suspended for literally the same exact thing, seven times, eight times, whatever it was.

And then at the end of seventh grade, I wind up getting into a fight with some kid in my class. And they basically said, hey, we think he should go somewhere else that could better fit and handle his needs. and basically like we're kicking him out but you know I being the son of my mom often came with a lot of bailouts and for lack of better way of describing it I was able to kind of skirt consequences people will be like he comes from a good family he's just a kid and he's just got to figure it out and this is not the right fit but there was I was always getting bailed out I never faced any real consequences. So maybe subconsciously that empowered me as a young adult as I got older and older and

older that like I can always wiggle my way out of everything. And it did and well as the story goes on, you'll kind of hear more about that. But I wound up going to the school in Manhattan. It's called Dwight. It's a great school. They had this program. It's called the Quest program. It's like in addition to your regular school.

schooling, you meet with a private tutor who works at the school within your daily schedule. And they're like, it's for kids with learning disabilities. I'm dyslexic, which my parents never told me until I was 22 years old. Really? Yeah. Because my mom said to me in family therapy, we didn't want to tell him because we didn't want him to use it as a cop out. So looking back on it, I definitely would have used it as an excuse all the time for sure.

But I was in this quest program. I go to the school, Dwight. The commute's easier. The commute's fucking 15 minutes cross-town bus. It's not an hour-long bus ride. No time to throw shit out the window. And, you know, my high school was like fairly normal. Like I really didn't get in trouble that often.

I got in trouble one time in sophomore year. I got into a fight with some kid in my class. He gets kicked out. He bonded pulling a knife on me. He gets kicked out. I get suspended. And that was it. From eighth grade through 12th grade,

That was my only, like, issue that I had at the school. And my grades were good. I was a B plus, A minus student. I wound up getting like a 30 on my ACT. I got, I got accepted to George Washington University, early decisions. So, like, you know, my shit looks good now. I figured it out. I figured it out.

And, you know, I think the one thing that kind of kept me together in high school was my, the structure of my athletics, whether it was basketball, whether it was baseball, whether it was preseason in the fall, you know, if you played basketball, you had to do cross country to kind of get in shape or whatever. So I was always had, I always had the structure of athletics kind of like keeping me out of trouble, keeping me away from fucking smoke and pot during lunch with some of my friends who did that every day who didn't play sports. And, you know, I was like a normal high school kid. And I get accepted to George Washington University. and I'm really looking forward to going away. And the summer before I left, I said to my mom, I'm like,

hey, I don't think I want to go anymore. And I was like, can I take a year off? And she was like, and do what? And I was like, I'll just work. Like, I'll work at the family restaurant. She was like, no, you're going to school. Like, get your ass out of here. And she didn't say it like that, but she was like, my parents, old school Italians,

they grew up with like, you go to school, you get good grades, you get a job, you work for the man, you build your career, you support your family, and then that's it. You know, it's like there's, there wasn't this what we have now where it's like we can start a podcast or be like an influencer. Take your time, figure out what you want to do. I think too, like it's probably a fear for some parents of if they take that year, are they going to want to go after that year? Yeah.

So it's always, I feel like in the best interest. And also during that time, like for our parents, you couldn't get a good job if you didn't have a college degree, whereas now it's not really like that anymore. So anyways, I go down to GW and I don't play sports, a GW. I join a fraternity. And this is kind of where my story really begins of kind of really losing myself and also rediscovering myself and finding myself and a lot of pain and a lot of confusion, a lot of tragedy, a lot of trauma. And, you know, the word trauma is like thrown around a lot,

especially today. I think everyone goes through trauma in different ways. And it doesn't matter if you're rich or poor or middle class or black, white, green, blue, purple. We all experience it in some fashion or or another. So when I get to college, I, uh, I pledge a fraternity. And I dabbled with drugs in high school. Like I'd maybe done cocaine once or twice. I drank beers occasionally. I smoked pot. Um, your normal high school shenanigans. And I'm pledging this fraternity and it was intense. We drank a lot. We drank a lot. And I didn't come into college a drinker, but we drank a lot and we were forced to drink a lot, obviously. And one night during pledge, my, uh, my friend says to me, he goes, you try his annex. Like take this annex. I'm like,

no, I don't, I don't fuck with pills. I don't do that. He's like, just try it. Like, I promise you, you'll feel like amazing. And I was like, ah, fuck it. Whatever. I don't care. And I tried a half of Xanax. And I'll never forget the feeling of just being like, this feels good. This feels like really fucking good. Like so good. This is kind of how I want to feel all the time good.

Right. And that was it. It was like a very zero to 100 type situation, which was like the type of person I am even until this day. I think I've gotten a little bit better at that. but I went from trying from doing a half a milligram of Xanax to within that was in September by December I was doing 10 milligrams of Xanax a day. And I had I had gotten straight D's my first semester at GW.

And I come home for winter break and I'll never forget. My cousin Kristen picked me up from D.C. And she drove me back to New York. And before she dropped me off at home, I made her stop at my drug deal. house in the city before I went back to my apartment. And you, when you're in that mode, like, you don't think they, oh, this is like a problem. Yeah. And then you kind of look back on your life and you're like, that's kind of fucking crazy

that you, your first stop, you're making your cousin who's like 15 years older than me telling her, oh, I need to stop my friend's house to pick up some books, but I'm stopping on my drug dealer. So I come home that break and I'm just, they called me the bar star in college. I was the bar star. And I was just eaten Xanax pretty much all day, drinking, going out. And I felt this, this like this need to kind of be good time, Charlie, as my mom used to call me. And like this, this want for people to really like me.

And I felt that people liked me the most when I was going out and I was providing access to like going to nightclubs like oh i'm going to have a table here let's get a table there i know this guy i know that guy always having drugs on me always sharing my drugs with everybody and you know i i felt comfortable in that i felt more comfortable in that than when i wasn't under the influence of something and i i remember that at the end of that winter break my mom and dad sat me down and they were kind of like, we don't know what's going on, but something's not right. And my mom is like, I want to see your grades from the semester. And I'm like, I don't have them yet. And she's like, okay, when you get them, I want to see them. And I'm like, okay, no problem. So my first, like,

week back in January, I get my grades and they're all D's and I fucking Photoshop all my grades to the best my ability. And I like, I didn't give myself straight A's. That's for sure. I gave myself like Bs and Cs. And my mom was like, kind of like, okay, like room for improvement. But like, Not as bad as disasters as I thought. And then two weeks later, she gets a letter from GW in the mail. Then I'm on academic probation with a copy of my real report card. Did she lose her mind? You know what's funny is that she like, her and my dad lost my mind, but they lost their mind.

But they also were like, we fucking knew it. Right. Like you can't fool us. Like we know something's going on. Are you doing drugs? I'm like, no, I'm not doing drugs. I was just pledging. And now I'm not pledging anymore.

And so like it's going to be fine and blah, blah, blah. They were like kind of okay, whatever. My mom said to me, she's like, if you don't pull your grades up, I'm not, I'm not spending $70,000 a year for you to fuck off. So my first month back, second semester, I wind up having like a mental episode on a bunch of Xanax and I get 5150ed and I get put into this psychiatric hold in Washington, D.C. And like, I don't really remember. All I remember is that like my ex-girlfriend from high school is really concerned about me because I like called her and was like telling her that like I'm super depressed and like I don't know where I am and like I'm asleep on this park bench.

And she called my mom at three o'clock in the morning. My mom basically like freaked out and panicked. And then next thing I know, I was 5150. And to give you a better understanding of dodging the consequences, my mom at the time. her co-anchor was the police commissioner's son, the police commissioner of New York's son. And when you get 5150, do you have to do a mandatory 72 hour hold under psychiatric evaluation? And she basically called the police commissioner at the time and was like, we got to get them out of here.

And like, I'm out of there in 16 hours. And I get brought back to New York. And that was where I kind of was like, yeah, I've been doing Xanax. I'm addicted to Xanax. Like I need help, blah, blah, blah. I get put into my first treatment center, which was an intensive outpatient called Hazelden in lower Manhattan. I wound up going to this outpatient. It was five days a week.

It was like four or five hours a day. And they're talking about this AA and God and all this shit. And I'm like, listen, I'm not one of you guys. Right. Yeah. I just had a little issue with Xanax. I'm going to go back to school. I'm going to drink.

I'm going to smoke pot. And I'm not going to do Xanax. I know I can't do Xanax anymore. And essentially, I stay home for a year. And so you didn't go back to school. I didn't go back to school until my second semester of sophomore year. How long did they put you on probation for? Academic probation.

They put me on academic probation for basically until I came back. And they were like, you have to get above a 2.2 GPA to be taken off academic probation. Okay. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com.

So I take that second semester of freshman year off and then the beginning, the first semester of sophomore year, I'm taking classes. at this school in Manhattan. And I wound up doing really, really well because I'm living at home my parents. I'm not drinking, I'm not drugging. And I really wanna get back to GW with my friends. And so I go back second semester of sophomore year. And for the most part, things are going well.

And like my mom is like, listen, we know you're gonna drink and do, you know, and smoke pot. Like we're gonna kind of turn a blind eye towards that. But you have to see this therapist once a week and you have to pee in a cup once a week. once a week. We want to make sure you're not doing any hard drugs. And I was kind of like, all right, like, if you're cool, me smoking pot and drinking, then like, fine. And, you know, a month into that, I'm like figuring out the days of the week that I'm seeing this guy and

when I can sniff Coke and pee clean because it's out of my system. And I'm like gaming the system and I'm looking up fake dicks on Amazon to try and buy what's called the Whizonator. and like the insanity has begun. And, you know, I said in the beginning, it's like you don't see those things when you're in it. And then you take a step back when you're finally out of it. And you're like, wow, like this has been going on for a really long time. And my second semester, I'm back.

I get decent grades. I wound up getting into this massive bar fight. I get fucking knocked out. My face stomped on. And my parents have to come down. and pick me up in the hospital, my face is all fucked up. Like it was, it was really bad, really bad bar fight. And my mom was like, I don't want to send you back.

And I'm like, listen, I got into a bar fight. We were gonna do my grades are decent. Like, I want to go back. So let me go back. After this bar fight, I get put on, I get given a bunch of perkerset. And I start taking the percassette and I start liking the percassette. And now my mind is like, I know I can't do Xanax, but I really like this fucking percocet.

And I really like the way this percocet makes me feel. And now I'm eating a bunch of perks and snorting percocets. And now I'm trying OxyContin, which I had never heard about before then. And that summer going up into freshman or first semester of junior year, I get introduced to Roxicon, which was those little blue M30s. 30 milligrams RoxyCon. And that made Xanax look like fucking grade school shit compared to the way I felt on these things. And I'm off to the races with RoxyCon.

And now I'm like every weekend, where can I get Roxy's? Who wants to do Roxies with me? And I had like this group of friends that like we all really fucked with drugs. And we're all from New York City. We come from privileged families. We had access to money and things to acquire whatever we wanted. and that played in to my addiction for a long time. So I go back freshman or first semester junior year.

And this is also the time I get introduced to a bookie, sports bookie. Like, wow, I love watching sports. I can fucking bet on the Knicks and I can win money and I can, this is amazing. This is amazing. I'm just going to sniff oxies and bet on sports all day. This is great. that. So September 15th of 2015 was my first semester of junior year and I lost my best friend at the time to an accidental overdose. And, you know, this was a kid who was a great human being. Like me, grew up privileged, thought that

rules and consequences don't apply to us. And, you know, when we used to go out, we used to go out, We used to, let's do Coke, let's do Xanax, let's do oxies, let's drink, let's do this, let's do that. And unfortunately, he did not wake up one morning. And I'll never forget that morning and basically wake up to a bunch of texts being like, we heard Willie went to the hospital, you were with him last night, do you know what happened? And I'm like, no, I came home. I was home. Last time I saw him was here or wherever it was. And I'm like, I'll call his mom. And I remember calling his mom and I'm like, hey, like, Rose, we're looking for Will is, is everything okay? And she's hysterically crying. She's like, Willie's dead. And, you know, that was like, I remember just like not feeling. Like I just, you're just like, numb. You know, you're like, in a trance, you're what the fuck just happened? This can't be real. And you're kind of just trying to piece together things at this time. And, you know, for me, I was, I was 20 years old. I haven't touched tragedy in my life. I come from a very protected privileged life.

Like that shit doesn't happen. That doesn't happen to people like us. And I knew. I knew that it was from an oxycontin overdose. I knew because I knew that's the drugs that we were doing that night. And it wasn't, it wasn't, it was like a, it was like a moment in time where you're at this crossroads where I even said to myself,

like I can go left or I can go right. And if I go left, I'm next. If I go right, I can change my life. And I just was not emotionally equipped to handle what had happened. And we had all gone back to New York. All of us had gone back to New York for the week where his funeral was and whatnot. And that entire week, I'm snorting more OxyCon than I ever had. And like, I'm dedicating my lines to the death of my friend.

and I remember just being like, I'm fucked. I am fucked. And that was in September of 2015. So from September of 2015 until March of 2016, I'm on this run. I'm on this run with drugs. I'm on this run emotionally. I'm on this run. I'm running from everything.

And, you know, in my household, the word feelings, like that doesn't really exist, you know, like old school Italian households. My mom said in a family therapy session one day where I'm from, we don't talk about our feelings and we definitely don't talk about our feelings with strangers. And that's kind of the way it was in my house. Like, oh, life's tough. Like, too bad. Keep kicking the can down the road.

You got to keep going. And so for the next, you know, six, seven months, I'm on this run and I'm basically just trying to stay out of this thought process of that should have been me. He deserved another chance. I don't deserve another chance. And I had already been at this point, like, struggling with addiction, even though I didn't think I was an addict for, you know, a year and a half at this point. And in March of 2016, I, I'm eating Xanax again at this point. I'm snorting oxies and whatever I can to not think or feel I'm doing and uh I go out to a club in the city on spring break March 2016 and um I'm on a bunch of bunch of Xanax and I I steal a purse

from a nightclub called Marquis for no reason just on a bunch of Xanax and I walk out of the club cops ask me whose purse that is they say oh it's my girlfriends I don't know and they take the bag, they say, they take the license out of the bag, they say, what's your girlfriend's name? I'm like, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, yeah, no, like, let me see some ID. Hand them a fake ID and a bag of Coke falls out of my wallet. Get arrested. I'm blasted all over the New York Post, daily mail, daily news. Every major New York publication is like Rosanna Scott Osama, arrested for stealing a purse, possession of fake ID, cocaine, blah, blah, blah, And I get arrested.

I go to central bookings. They write me up. They put me in the holding cell. They do the whole shebang with me. And that was like the real first time of my life were like there was nothing that my mom could possibly have done to protect me from the consequences. And it was, you know, prison is really the second most severe consequence there is for somebody like me. And the first one is death. So I'm facing three felonies.

and basically what winds up happening is like, you have to stay sober for a year, complete this drug, court mandated drug program, stay sober for a year, and they'll drop all of the charges. And my mom's like, you're not going back to school.

I'm like, let me go back and finish the semester. There's fucking two months left. So I go back to D.C. to finish out the semester. And like, I'm embarrassed. Like all my friends know, everyone at school knows.

All my friends' parents, at the time we're kind of like we don't want you hanging out with him anymore so like all my friends in college at this time had kind of like really distanced themselves for me which at the time I felt was very confusing and I was angry I was like fuck you motherfuckers like I'm going through this shit and you're all abandoning me like okay fuck you you know and uh about a month back after spring break after I've been arrested, the FBI comes knocking on my door to investigate the death of my best friend. And this had happened in D.C. and my best friend's father was a pretty big attorney and his mom was someone high up in New York. So there was an investigation and they basically, there was me and two

other individuals that they were, they were like, you guys always had the drugs. You guys always supplied the drugs. If you don't cooperate with us and tell us what you know where you get them, this, that and the other thing, like, we're going to charge you with all these felony distribution counts. And in District of Columbia, it's a felony. These are all federal court things. It's not like state mandated or district, whatever. So now I'm on probation for a year for stealing the purse. And now I'm in the middle of an FBI investigation. And my parents are a wreck, but they're Like, you got to keep you, keep our son strong support and we're going to get through this and blah, blah, blah.

And I come home that summer and I am that entire summer. I'm in a court-mandated drug program in Manhattan. It was for adolescents. It was a really good program. And that was kind of like where they had been forcing me. You have to go to AA. Like part of this program is you come here for five hours a day, but you have to go to AA. And so I would go to these AA meetings very rarely.

I'd show up late. I'd leave early. And I'll never forget. I went to my first AA meeting and I came home and my dad was like, so what do you think? And I was like, eh. I was like, dad, I was like this lady at the end said, you know, if you want what we have, you'll go to any lengths to get it. And I said to my dad, I said, I don't want anything these fucking people have.

I'm never going back. My dad was just like, fuck. I just wasn't ready. Yeah. You know, like I wasn't ready to hear about a higher power. I wasn't ready to hear about change my way of thinking or powerless, surrender, like all those things that like my ego was too inflated to kind of comprehend or try to comprehend.

I think it's very rare too when you are younger. Even I feel like mid to low 20s to really have interest in that stuff. I don't think that you're at a point where you know who you are. you really care to figure out who you are. I think what we care about is, I mean, even for me, like when I look back, it was like fun, carefree. It's like you don't want to think about any of the other stuff. Yeah.

And it's like really, it's also really difficult to kind of accept that you may be different than your fellows. None of my friends had this problem. All my friends are ripping the bong, getting straight A's, partying, having a great time. And I'm like, why can't I do that? why when I take something am I on a seven-day bender and I can't stop even though I want to so I'm home now and um my mom had this friend at the time he ran like the same like social circle as my mom these other people he was this famous jeweler he did jewelry for Oprah winfrey and

Melania Trump and calls my mom one day and he's like you're never going to believe this this kid showed up on my doorstep and he said if I ever ran into trouble in New York to call, you know, my mom gave me this number and it's your number. And long story short, Rosanna, my long lost son, we took a DNA test. I want him to meet LJ. My family calls me LJ. And so my mom's like, Jeffrey says he has this long lost son. Jeffrey wants you to meet him. And I'm like, I'm like, all right, this is fucking weird, but like, sure, whatever. Oh, do I care? So I meet this kid and he's like handsome in good shape. He's got fucking tattoos all over.

And like at that time like I had no tattoos. So I was like, wow, this guy is the man. Yeah. And long story short, me and him become like best friends like this off the rip. And that was in June. And by August he, him and I are going out to club. and like I'm not drinking it because I'm still on this probation thing. But I'm like getting closer to the idea of like they're weaning me down.

I'm not going five days a week. I'm only going four days a week. And then it'll be three days a week. And I'll only get drug tested on Wednesday. So if I drink Friday, if I could drink and do blow Friday nights, then like by Wednesday, like my pee is clean. So like now the insanity is starting to go and I'm like getting closer and closer and me and this kid are hanging out every day, every single day.

And, you know, Labor Day weekend. And I, this is like this whole period of time my life is so chaotic and crazy and traumatic that like I have all these fucking memories timestamped. So Labor Day weekend of 2016, which is, it's like, you know, first weekend in September. I'm out in the Hamptons and the kids name is Jimmy. And he, we go out to Gurneys. We're in Montauk. We're partying.

We got girls. I'm, now I'm drinking because I'm like, okay, fuck this, you know, I'll figure out a way. And he winds up like getting barred out and getting into a fight at Gurney's and Maun Talk. And I'm like, dude, like what the fuck is going on? You're getting crazy. I don't really want to do this. Like I'm on probation. Yeah.

So I'm like, I don't think we should hang out anymore. I didn't say that to him directly like that. I'm like, yo, like I got to focus. I got to work and I'm going back to school. and not GW, but school in the city. And I was like, I'm going to keep my distance from him a little bit. And we had seen each other from like August till November. We had seen each other maybe like five, ten times.

Nothing crazy compared to like what it used to be, which was daily. And November of 2016, I never forget. It was like November 14th or 15th of 2016. He texts me at like 5 a.m. my probation had ended about a month or two beforehand. And at this point, I was now back to snorting roxycont. And I was doing around 900 milligrams of oxycontin a day. And I'm stealing from my parents,

pawning my mom's jewelry to funnel this habit, fund this habit. And November of 2016, he texts me at like 5 o'clock in the morning. He's like, hey, are you up? This is the only Saturday night in my drug addiction days where at five o'clock in the morning, I was asleep. The only one. I'll never forget. It was a Connor McGregor fight on.

I watched this Connor McGregor fight. I bet on the Connor McGregor fight. And I was like, I'm so happy I won. I celebrated. And I fucking snorted a bunch of oxies and nodded out, went to sleep. And I wake up the next day, Sunday at like 2 o'clock in the afternoon. He, I was like, yo, sorry, bro. I was asleep.

What's up? He's like, yo, I really need to talk to you. And I was like, okay, like pull up. What's up? He's like, I'll call you later. Never calls me, never hear anything from him. So I'm like, all right, whatever. Monday morning, I wake up.

I go to the gym. I'm at the gym, which is conveniently like a block and a half away. And he calls me, he's like, yo, where are you? I'm like, I'm at Equinox across the street. It's like, all right, I'm coming to talk to you. So he comes. I'm working out. He comes and pulls me off the work.

for him brings me up to the locker room and he's like, oh, he's like, I did something really bad. I'm like, what's up? He's like, you know, Larry and these girls came over and they brought this kid with them. We had an after party from the club we went to and Larry and this kid got into a fight and Larry wound up knocking him out and he's like, I panicked. I didn't, you know, want this kid dying on my floor. So I slid his throat and I stabbed him. And I was like, I looked at him, I was like, yeah, I was like, all right. I was like, okay. And he was like, don't worry about it.

He's like, I wrapped his body up in a comforter. He threw him out my window. Larry got the car. We drove his body to Jersey and we buried and burned the body. And I'm like, I'm looking at him. I'm like, that's what I said. I said, you're a good little Jew boy from Manhattan. You're not in goodfellas.

He grabs me and she's like, LJ, I'm fucking serious. I'm like, I'm like, yeah, all right, dude, whatever. He's like, don't worry about it. Cleaned up the whole apartment. He's like, look, the detectives call him, call me. He's like, they got nothing on me. I'm like, all right, dude, whatever you say, I shower. I'm like, yo, I got to go.

I'm going to the nick game. I shower. I go to the nick game with one of my best friends. And I tell him, I'm like, yo, Jimmy just told me this and said he did this, this, and this and that. my friend literally looks to me. He's like, bro, that kid's a pathological liar. He'll literally say anything for attention.

I'm like, I know. It's crazy. I don't think anything of it. I swear. I literally like, I left the Nicky. I went home. And like, you know, I like, I'm like fucked up in my own mind at that time.

Like I'm doing a bunch of oxies. I'm strung out. I'm like in my own world. Another day. Yeah. I'm in my own world. I'm just trying to like survive. Yeah.

Like I don't have time for your stories. So I go. I go home that night and I'm like, I'm getting fucked up, obviously. And then I go to sleep and I wake up the next day. My mom had actually called my therapist and was like, he's on drugs again. I don't know what he's doing, but he's on drugs again. So I had my therapy that day and I go to my therapist. And she's like, I got to let you know your mom call the lot.

I'm like, fuck you. I like leave. And I'm walking up first avenue. And I'm walking back up to the gym. And like the gym for me at that time was like a safe place because I had my own locker. and like I'd hide my drugs in there so my parents couldn't find it. It was like my little like private sanctuary in a weird way. So I'm walking up to the gym and I'm like, you know what?

I'm about to walk by Jimmy's block. If this kid's not lying, there's got to be something popping off in front of his house. So I get to 59th and first. I look right down the block. All I see is NYPD crime unit trucks, fucking dogs. the dudes in the fucking hazmat suits and they're wheeling out, they're wheeling out.

He had this really flamboyant collection of Louis Vuitton luggage that like only this motherfucker and his father, which we'll get into shortly, his father had. So I see them wheeling out this luggage and I'm like, I'm like, oh, fuck.

I'm like, oh, fuck, fuck he did it. And like, I remember just like saying fuck like a hundred times. Now I have a mental breakdown. Now I call my mom. You're not going to believe this. Jimmy fucking murdered someone. He confessed the murder to me. He texted me about it.

And now there's fucking NYP crime unit trucks. My mom's like, shut the fuck up. Get off the phone and get home right now. So now I'm flying home. I get home. My mom and dad are there and tell them everything. And I'll never forget this. It was like 5.56 p.m.

And the 6 o'clock news come on. Six o'clock news comes on. And it's a missing kid from Connecticut. And the father of the missing kid was on the news saying, if you know anything about where my son was, please help us. He was last seen here, here and there. And Jimmy told me that it was a kid from Connecticut. I said to my mom, I'm looking at him like,

they don't know where the body is. I know where the body is. Or I don't know where the body is. I know that he drove it to Jersey. I didn't know where in Jersey it was. Hi, guys. You can subscribe now to We're All Insane Plus for only $5.99 a month. And it includes ad-free listening, bonus episodes of We're All Insane,

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So my dad's partner is a criminal defense attorney. His name's Peter Frankel. He's family. He basically is my uncle. I call him Mr. Minter because when we were kids, we'd play Candy Land. He'd always land on the Mint guy so much. We'd call him Mr. Minter. So we call him and he's like, listen, just stay fucking quiet right now.

Don't say anything to anybody and stay home. and basically now I'm like having this like mental breakdown for the next two days because they can't find the body and like I kind of know where this could be and I'm like super strong out like now I'm super strong out I'm super stressed I I'm in my own prison because I can't fucking tell anybody and my friend who I went to the Knit game with me and him are now texting he's like holy shit what the fuck and I'm like yeah I know so So two days later, Larry, I guess, had a mental breakdown and came in and confessed to the police where the body was and what had happened. And Larry blamed Jimmy and said Jimmy stabbed him.

And Jimmy said, no, Larry stabbed him. And that kind of started this whole thing. And that was November of 2016, a week after Thanksgiving, I get shipped off to my first residential inpatient rehab in Arizona. I go to Sierra Tucson. It was December 7th, 2016. I stay there for about 45 days. And on that plane right over there, I'm like, okay, this is it. I'm an addict.

I'm done with this fucking life. I give up. And how old were you? 21. Okay. 21 turning 22 or 22 turning 23. I'm 31. I was 2016.

So I do 45 days there. And then the therapist there was like, he's not going back to New York. he's going to go to sober living in Los Angeles. And at the time, my mom was like, I was like, fuck that. I'm not going to Cali. Fuck Cali. I'm one of my a surfer dude. I don't got blonde hair.

Like, I'm not a Cali guy. I got to come back to New York. I got to get to work. You know, I got this whole idea of what I should be doing. And my mom was like, you have $20 to your name. You're going to go wherever the fuck I tell you to go. You're going to sober living. Get out to L.A.

And two days into my sober living, I get subpoenaed by the, FBI for the murder. And I basically fly back to New York a week later and I meet with the FBI with my lawyer, Peter Frankl, Mr. Minter, who's like my real life guardian angel. And they're like, look, like they have text messages with me and Jimmy for like years of us like talking about buying drugs, selling drugs, doing drugs. We had a plan to rob his drug dealer at one point. So they have all these things against me. They're like, yo, we're going to charge you with all this shit.

You're going to go to fucking prison for a really long time. What did he tell you? And, you know, I told them what had been told to me. And I felt at the time that I was sober, it was, you know, 60 days sober. I was really trying to clean up my life. I was like, I just want this behind me. I don't want to be in trouble. I wasn't there.

I had nothing to do with it. And I tell them everything he told me. And long story short, the feds got involved because the district attorney in Manhattan didn't have enough evidence. They couldn't pinpoint who did the actual murder. So they couldn't figure out who to charge with the murder until the evidence came through and DNA and blah, blah. And then my confession, they charged both Jimmy and Larry with.

second degree murder, consumed one of a human corpse and tampering with evidence. So the next day I meet with the Manhattan District Attorney and they're like, yeah, this is, you know, we don't think this isn't to go to trial. We think he's, you know, he's going to take a plea deal, but it could go to trial. And if it goes to trial, you need to testify against him. I'm not fucking testifying against him. Fuck that. I'm not doing it.

And long story short, what fucking choice did I have at that point? So I go back to LA and for the next about 18 months, I'm flying back and forth from LA to New York. I would say every four to six weeks to meet with the district attorney to prepare for this trial. And this whole time they're like, you know, they're preparing me for what the questions they're going to ask me as they're building their case. And then they're also preparing me for to be cross examined by his attorney who's going to. going to try and fucking destroy me and discredit me and like, mind you, Jimmy was my best friend for, you know, two and a half years. He knew about everything. He knew about my friend dying in college. He knew that I would steal my money for my parents to do drugs and to gamble.

He knew all of my dirt. And, you know, this whole time I'm fucking prank, please, please just take the fucking plea deal, take the plea deal. Mind you, he doesn't know that I'm involved in this. So he's calling me from Manhattan correctional facility. I'm obviously not picking up, but he's leaving me voicemails. Yo, I'm going to beat this case. I'm coming home, bro. Like, he's like, call me, blah.

And I'm like, yo, this fucking kid's crazy. And he has no idea. So I'm in LA, I'm doing this back and forth shit. I got a new job. I'm doing great at this job. of making money and the day comes where the trial happens and I have to testify. And he still had no idea you were going to be there? He knew about two weeks before the trial.

Okay. Because there's some law that like the, they don't have to disclose my actual name up until a certain point. Okay. To protect the witness or whatever. So he knows and obviously I come in and I testify and I walk into the courtroom. and he's sitting right there and I walk by him and he's fucking staring at me and shaking his head and I got to sit right here with the prosecutor right there and Jimmy right there just staring at

me and I have to testify about our relationship, how our relationship started and how it evolved and the bad things that we did together and that, you know, the prosecutor would say, well, you were also doing drugs? Where were you getting money from drugs? and I had to say I would steal for my parents. Like I had to basically tell on myself first to make myself credible to the jurors so that they would believe my testimony and basically air out all of my dirty laundry. And then in the front row of the people in the room was every major news publication

because this was like front page news now for the last, you know, year and a half. And so now they're having to field that. Or Sanisado son stealing from this, stealing from that, blah, blah, bah, OxyCon addiction, $1,200 a day pill addiction, pawning jewelry, this and that, bookies, destroying me. And I testify and then I get cross-examined by his defense team. They fucking annihilate me. And he gets convicted. He got convicted of second-degree murder, concealment of a human corpse and tampering with evidence,

got sentenced to 28 years to life. His friend Larry took a plea deal, manslaughter. He's doing 23 years. And there was another kid that was there and he got us six months for tampering with evidence. And, you know, that was like a really, really tough time for me because at this point in time, I was like a year and change sober. And I had been really trying to rebuild my life and I had this new job and I started my own company.

It was like a ticket brokering company and specializing in like high, high end experiences like front row seats to just Justin Bieber with a private meet and greet and stuff that like only billionaires and millionaires could buy. And it was, uh, it was really great. It was really great. And then all of a sudden, you know, I'm doing business with these people and they're like Googling me and they're seeing now all these articles about a murder trial and like the Chanel bag stuff and like all this shit.

So really traumatizing, really fucking stressful and confusing time in my life. because you're like newly sober and you're trying to embrace this way of life and you think you did the right thing. And then you have these other good people who are like, you're a fucking snitch. I'm like, I'm a snitch. I wasn't even there. It wasn't like I was there and then I rolled on him. I wasn't even there.

He fucking called me and confess this whole thing to me. And crazy part of the whole story is that it actually, the father and son, father and son thing, there were actually gay lovers. The father and son together? Yeah, they weren't, there wasn't his long lost son. It was actually they met at like a sex party. And he really liked Jimmy and was like, I don't want you struggling, like move in with me.

Like, I'm going to get you a job. I'm going to help you out in life and like all this things. And it was like a like a boy toy situation. Jeez. I never saw anything by the way. Okay. Yeah. Like people have no time.

Like, you ever see any of like funny shit? I was like, no. I was like I hung out with them both a lot and we did a lot of drugs together and we party together, but I never saw any like, you know, any of that stuff. So that all came out in the wash too. Yeah, so this trial ends. I'm out in LA and this pressure, I think finally was like off me. And I had been going to AA, but like my life had gotten really good that like I kind of was just like,

all right, cool. Like, I don't need to like... Keep going. I don't need to go to AA, fucking five days a week. I don't need to do this shit. Make a money. I'm compulsively gambling. Degenerate gambling.

I'd go to Vegas twice a month. I'd lose $50, $200,000 in a weekend. Some my money, some not my money. But the way my business worked was there was constantly money coming in for new orders. And so I was just constantly recycling people's money. to fix orders or to fill orders and to gamble, but I was never in the green. I was constantly living in this perpetual state of like being in a jam financially. And this is an important part because this is kind of where living in that stress all the time of money,

like I'd have a couple hundred grand coming into my bank account every month. And like I somehow, some way could not afford $3,500 a month in rent on the first. And like I'd look at my bank statement. I'd be like 600 grand came in this month. How do I not have $3,500? So you were, because you were just gambling at all? Compulsively gambling. I had a bookie in L.A.

I was losing $20,000 a week with him. I'd go to Vegas. I'd lose anywhere from $50K to $200K in a weekend. Flying back and forth, they're comping me this. They're comping me that. And like, I think it's all fine and dandy. And I'm like, I'm just going to have that one big weekend where I win back all my money and then I'm done.

And I chased that idea. for fucking 10 years. Listen, in those 10 years, like, yeah, sure, like there were a couple of big wins, but as a compulsive gambler, it's never enough. No. No. Right, because then you have more and you're like, let's do a little more. I won 300 grand in literally 72 hours, and then I lost all that plus another 200 in the two

days following it. Right. Never enough. And I never stopped gambling until I had no money. There was never, a. stop here, I'll stop there. It was like I could not stop until my account was at zero or most of the time negative. And so I'm out in LA and basically we can fast forward until COVID and my business collapse, obviously concerts, events, it's all done. And I basically owe all of these people

refunds because nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. I have no money. I owe mid six figures and refunds and I'm compulsively gambling. So I'm basically now robbing Peter to pay Paul, borrowing, scheming, conning, you name it, just to kind of like figure my shit out. And I wind up relapsing off of, well, I wind up relapsing off of nine, doing a shot of 1942, like three months into COVID. Not planned. Just at my friend's house in L.A.

Everyone's doing a shot of 42. and I'm like having had a drink in like, you know, almost two years. And I'm like, that looks good. And like, I'm in so much pain because I have no money and like I'm living in fear. And next thing you know, I do a shot and two hours later, I'm alone in my bathroom, snoring coke, tweaked out of my mind, how the fuck did I get here again? And I remember sitting in that bathroom just being like, I swore this would never happen again. and yet here I am again.

Alone. No idea how this is going to end, but all I know is that it's actually picked up worse than where I left off two years ago. I was engaged at the time, not to my current fiance and soon-to-be wife, but I was engaged to this other girl. And I basically lived a double life

for the next year, really. I was just saying I was somewhere, saying I was at point A, I was really at point B and by point B it was either in a motel room doing cocaine and oxy-contin by myself or oftentimes I would sit in my car and I would drive two blocks down from where we lived and I would snort cocaine by myself and play online blackjack with the live dealers that were like in eastern Ukraine or wherever the fuck they are. and gamble every single penny that I had.

That I'd come home, like five, six o'clock in the morning. She'd be like, where the fuck were you? And I was like, oh, I was doing this deal. And what fucking, fucking COVID? Yeah. What fucking deal? So that all came crumbling down. And that came crumbling down towards the end of 2020.

And I met my current fiancé shortly thereafter. And man, she's a fucking trooper. put her through also hell like met her Halloween weekend of 20. Because when you met her, you still weren't sober. No, and she had no idea. Okay. My ex-fiance knew about my past, knew I had to be sober, supported my sobriety. This new girl I met and we met on a trip to Vegas Halloween weekend 2020 and we wound

up getting married in Vegas 24 hours later. Oh my gosh. And I'm like, I'm like fucked up. I'm like drinking, whatever. I'm like, we get married to fake chapel in Vegas. and come back to LA and I'm like, you have a passport. She's like, yeah, for the kind of questions. I was like, all right, let's go.

We're going to Mexico. We go to Mexico for our honeymoon. My mom calls me in Mexico and she's like, what the fuck is going on? Where are you? I'm coming to get you. I know you're not sober. We'll figure it out. I'm like, I'm at the one and only.

I'm having a great time. Come meet me. like the delusion has taken off. Take it off. Back in full swing again. Here we go. So, you know, this is, I thought you've heard the story. You'd think that there's like maybe like six different rock bottoms in there.

And the rock bottoms that I hit from that moment up until almost a year ago or a little over a year ago, we're 10 times worse. And so I bring. My soon-to-be wife's name is Mia. I bring Mia home to meet my family for Christmas that year. And we're on the plane back to New York. I'm like, listen, my parents don't know I drink. They think I'm sober.

Don't worry about it. It's all good. And she's like, look at me. She's like, you're fucking 27 years old. What do you mean your parents don't know you drink? It's a long story. Don't worry about it. So everything, we have a fine Christmas, whatever.

It's a COVID Christmas. It was a very strange time. And we go back to L.A. after the new year and I try this new drug called Tusi. I don't have you ever heard of this. It's like it's the pink cocaine. It's the shit that Diddy loved. Okay.

It's ketamine, MDMA, Ecstasy, Molly, Xanax. Oh, so I die on that. It's like everything like all mixed together. It's very euphoric high and like I try it for the first time and like, I'm like, wow, this is amazing. I don't need to do coke. I don't need to do oxies. I'm just fucking Mr.

Tusi man now. So I'm doing Tuesday every day. And like it was just it was fucking disaster. So from January up until like mid to late February of 2021, I'm like sniffing Tuesday. I have like a mental breakdown. I'm like I need to go back to rehab. I go to rehab in in Utah place called Circlodge.

I'm there four days. And I call me. I'm like, get me the fuck out of here. Like I need to come home. I can't be here. It's not the right place. My bed is like behind the wall of my bed is like where the pipes are for the toilet. So like when people flush the toilet in the middle of the night, my whole bed vibrates.

I hear the water. And she's like, listen, like, I don't think it's a good idea. Like you need to stay there for the 30 days. And I'm like, you're in my fucking house right now. Book me a fucking flight home. And she's like, all right. Like, I'll book you a flight home. She books me a flight home.

I come back to L.A. and I'm like, I'm going to be sober. I'm going to be sober. A week later, I decide it was a really good idea that I go to Columbia. And I tell me, I'm like, babe, I got to go to Columbia. What fuck are you talking about? I'm like, no, like my friend, I'm not going to say his name. Like, he's from Columbia.

And like, there's an opportunity there for me. She's like, what opportunity are you, like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, listen, I'm just going for a week. the opportunity that was there for me was that that's where they cook 2C and make 2C and I was going to buy a lot of 2C and do some things and make some money and yeah I don't want to incriminate myself on this so I go to Columbia for what was supposed to be a week I wind up staying for three months in a full-blown drug psychosis oh my gosh because I get out there and like in California two C's $200 a gram you get to Columbia it's $20 a gram you get to Columbia it's

$20 a gram. And it's like better than ever. So I'm like, now I'm in Columbia and I'm like, this is fucking amazing. I get into drug psychosis. I call my mom and dad. I'm like, you never loved me. Don't fucking call me ever again. Block their numbers. And Mia. I'm still talking to Mia. Okay. Is she like? She's like, she's like, you're like freaking out. Yeah. Like she's like, you said you're going to be sober. I know you're not sober. And I'm like, I am sober. And she's like crying on FaceTime. She's like there's fucking pink shit coming out of your nose. Like you're not sober. I'm not. an idiot. And, you know, Mia at the time was 23 years old. She was a baby. And like this girl,

literally, I could walk on water with her at this time. I still kind of do, but in a different way. And to make a long story short, my mom basically had at a point begged her to come out to Columbia and retrieve you. Retrieve me. Mia's like, you know your son. He doesn't listen to fucking anybody. Long story short, me, I came out and spent a month with me out there until when we woke up one day and we were in Bogota. I was in Medellin and Cartagena for most of the time and Cartagena is like fucking beautiful. You're on the beach. Like, then all of a sudden I wake up one day and I'm in Bogota and I like have this like panic attack. I'm like, I've been here three fucking months. What the fuck am I doing here? And like my friend who's

half Colombian who took me there like he had left like six weeks before that. He's like Like, dude, I have, like, I'm going home. I'm like, okay, bye. I'm never leaving. And I come back from Columbia. And we're throwing these crazy house parties at my house in L.A. COVID super spreaders, whatever the fuck you want to call them. I get evicted from my house.

Like, I had like 14 LAPD violations and just disaster. I basically get run out of L.A. Run. And I go down to Tampa where my cousin Mike lives. And I try to get sober. My cousin Mike, who was sober at the time. And stay there six months. Not for me.

Not for me because I'm not seeking the solution. It's not for me because people aren't letting me do what I want to do. And I come back to New York and I'm off to the races again. And I'm drinking, I'm drugging. I'm gambling more than I ever have. I'm, you know, in New York, gambling is legal. So you have the fan duel. You have the draft kings.

You have the Caesar sports book. And I basically from 2020, 2020 up until 2024, I dig myself into about a million dollar hole from compulsive gambling. I'm working this job in the city, this really great restaurant. And it was like, basically it was like my family was like, go work here, climb the ranks, do well. And then you can come and take over the family business. But like to earn the respect of the employees. at our family restaurant, which has been open for 32 years, like you need to show them that like you've worked somewhere else

and you've earned your stripes before you come in here and start Boston. Yeah. So I go, I work at this restaurant, I wind up getting promoted to general manager very quickly. And it was like really great. And I'm like, wow, this is great. Like the customers love me, the managers love me,

the owners love me, like this is really great. I'm compulsively gambling. I'm drinking and doing drugs every night of the week. And I get fired. And that was December of, 2022 and I basically go back to LA. We're right. That's where the only sober people I know are.

And in January of 2023, I get sober again. It was the last time I drank and I was supposed to go to rehab. I wound up not getting into this treatment center on a scholarship. My parents were like, I'm not paying another penny for a therapist, a doctor, this or that like fucking figure it out on your own. I'm staying on me as couch and we weren't together at this time. But she was like, yeah, come like stay with me until you go to treatment and drinking and doing drugs every day.

And eventually she's like, look, dude, like, you rather get sober and you can stay here as long as you want or you don't get sober, but you got to leave. And I remember that was kind of just like that moment where it's like literally this girl who thinks that like I could do no wrong in her eyes doesn't want me around her anymore. Like, all right, something's got to give. And I get sober. I go to AA. I get a sponsor.

a sponsor It's great Tells me if you want to get sober This is what I require you to do And if you do it It's going to be great If you don't do it Don't call me

And it was like something I really needed At the time of someone just being like There's no gray here It's black or white You're either in or you're out And I I knew at that time

That like I was an addict I was a drug addict and alcoholic. Like I knew. So I was like willing to do whatever it took. I also knew that maybe I had a gambling problem, but I didn't know. I didn't think that it was as bad as the drugs and alcohol. Like I just thought that I had a money problem.

I just made more money than I could gamble and I'd be fine. You know, I was like the delusion was still there, but I was like, I'm willing to put all three my vices down for the time being to just figure my shit out. So I didn't gamble the first 10 months of my, my AA sobriety and I thought that I can figure out the gambling thing in the rooms of

Alcoholics Anonymous as well and about six months into me being sober, Mia gets pregnant. And I was doing well. Like financially like things were getting better. I'm not gambling. I'm not spending my money. And so like I kind of like got a little like cocky and arrogant with that and I start gambling again when Mia when Mia is pregnant. I feel like when I look back on it now is like the fear of being a father and the fear of like

what's to come, I needed something to not feel. Yeah. And gambling for me, it's like people, the gambling thing is not really understood yet. It was so taboo, right? Like drinking and drugging hasn't been taboo. It's when did Prohibition end? Does anyone here know? Fucking 100 years ago, whatever it was, I don't know.

But it's been legal for all. of these years, right? Whereas gambling has been this taboo kind of only like mafia, degenerate losers kind of thing. And so, you know, I, it's really crazy. I, I decided to start gambling again. And the first week I, I started gambling again. I wound up losing a hundred grand the week. And my fiance was, was, she was pregnant. And, uh, I'm like, yeah, this is fucked. And then, then I spend the next year, really chasing that 100 grand loss. Like, I just got to get that 100K back and I'll stop again. And, uh, I dug myself into a million dollar hole in that, in that next year in silence. For the people that are listening or watching that don't understand

gambling, it is, this is coming from someone who's a drug addict, alcoholic, compulsive gambler. This is the most insidious disease of them all. And out of all of my addictions, nothing has ripped my soul and my spirit out of me the way gambling did. I was a fucking dope fiend. If I didn't wake up and snort 300 milligrams of oxicon at one point, I was dope sick. I couldn't even function. And for me to sit in sobriety for one whole year with the birth of my child and compulsively gamble

every single penny that I had and take other people's money and gamble that and do that is insanity. And the insanity is you wake up every day and you say, this is it. I'm never going to do this again and you keep doing it, right? Like the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. And I, when I, when we moved home in May of 2024, we moved back from LA to New York, it was so easy to gamble. So easy. You just, boom, I just put in a $5,000 bet.

That's literally how long it could take me. And I tell people all the time, if I come in here right now and I'm drunk or I'm high, you were look at me and be like, are you okay? Like, what the fuck are you on? Like, you know what? Maybe I don't think we should do this interview today. Like, nah, I can come in here right now. I could have a million dollars on a football game right now. You'd have no idea.

And I sat for a year and lived in a prison that was built by myself. And I took everyone prisoner with me. I wasn't a present father. I wasn't a present partner. I wasn't a present son. I literally put on like 80 pounds in a year. Physically I was falling apart. And I'd remember I'd be sitting in my parents' house

and I would be alone and be like 1 o'clock in the morning and it'd be the best time because it'd be the only time my phone wasn't blowing up with people asking where their money was. And I remember I'd be sitting there thinking, how am I ever going to give this kid a normal life? I can't pay for fucking diapers. How am I going to pay for school?

How am I going to pay for a nanny? How am I going to pay for clothes? He wants, he starts playing football. He wants football cleats. How am I going to pay for cleats? And your mind is so fucked that you just keep telling yourself, you'll figure it out. You're going to figure it out. Tomorrow's going to be the day.

Tomorrow's going to be the day. And I said it earlier, there was a period of time, not this past summer or the summer before, where I had won like 300 grand in a weekend. And that was from like a Thursday until a Sunday. And by Tuesday that 300 grand was gone and I was down another 200. And then you start really thinking about, is this ever going to end? Is this pain ever going to stop? And my father, he grew up in a house where my grandfather was a compulsive gambler.

He gambled the way the house three times growing up. My dad was a kid. my dad was traumatized by gambling and so my dad would see me and be like I know you're gambling he'd see me watching the team and be like I know you're gambling I'd be like no I'm not what are you talking about fuck you blah blah blah and I wouldn't say fuck you but like leave me alone my dad would just say to himself like I lived with this for my whole entire life like I know when I see what's going on and it was a pretty power of feeling for him that he couldn't help his son because he knew his, the only way this is going to end

is if his son wanted it to stop. And November of 2024, I was at my point and I owed so many, so many people money. And like, I'm not talking about like credit card companies or banks. I'm talking about like family friends who like really trusted me and like know me and wanted to help me, people I had lied to to get that money. And so I remember just being like the walls were closing in. I'm tapped out. No one's giving me money anymore. And I remember just being like contemplating where I could kill myself. That would be the least traumatic for my family. And I had this all planned out where I was going to do it and it was going to happen after Thanksgiving. because the holidays were over.

And that Thanksgiving week of 2024, I remember praying. I'm like, either let me win a bet or give me an out. And the Friday after Thanksgiving, I'm in men's warehouse, buying a suit, working at the restaurant. I don't fit into any of my clothes because I'm basically falling apart. This family friend who I took money from called me. And he's like, I know you're not drinking or drugging, but I know you're gambling.

And if you don't get honest with me right fucking now, I'm going to send you to prison. And I'm like, oh, I don't know what you're talking about. He's like, I'm going to give you one fucking chance to get honest. If you don't get honest,

I'm not going to help you. And I just hung up the phone. And I remember just like this feeling of just being like, this is your out. This is your one and only chance to get honest. And I went outside and I called them back and I literally was just like word vomit.

Everything came out. Every lie I've been harboring for the last 10 years of my gambling career. Every debt, every person I owed money to who was coming after me. And it was just like the best feeling in the world in this like weird way. You know, it was like finally like I'm not living this lie and facade. And like, you know, addiction really takes you prisoner. It doesn't matter what addiction it is. and really takes people prisoner because people don't understand that it's like,

even my mom's like, she said the path, like, just stop. Gee, fucking whiz, if that was that fucking easy, I would have done this 10 years ago. Right. And it's sad too because it doesn't matter how much you lose. That doesn't stop the addiction. It's like, what else can I do to either numb it more or get out of it? And then it's like getting out of it isn't really, it doesn't end there either. No.

And I get honest with this guy and he's like, all right, he's like, get your mom on the phone. I'm like, no, please, my poor mother. Like, he's like, okay, fine, get your sister and get Mia on the phone. Well, all right, fine. I've got to settle for something here. And we get my sister and Mia and I tell them everything. And Mia's hysterical. Mia's like angry.

Like, how could you do this to me and how could do this to our son? Like you have a fucking kid. You swore to me. You stopped gambling a year ago and all these emotions. And then she's also like really hurt and like how could you lie to me and like I feel so bad for you because you're in so much pain. Yeah. And then there's also this moment of like it all fucking makes sense now. Like this last year of like you not being present, you constantly watching sports, you constantly like isolating and putting on all this weight and beating yourself up.

Like it all makes sense. So that weekend my sister is like I'm going to take out a personal loan. I'm going to pay your $875,000 off to all these people you owe, and you'll pay me back. And I was just like, finally, for the first time in 10 years, like I was just like thinking clearly because the lie is out and I'm not living like that anymore, that I was just like, listen, I got to go to Gamblers Anonymous. I know people. They're going to help me, but I have to do what they say, not what we say.

And it told my parents, and long story short, I went down to Gamblers Anonymous Tuesday on December 3rd was my first GA meeting and the journey began. I was so beat up when I got in there. But, you know, before I get into that, the day before, I had him bet that whole entire weekend. And the day before that Monday, my casino host from Caesars, text me, hey, hon, hope you had a great weekend. I saw you didn't deposit any money or make any bets this weekend. Is everything okay? And I said, no, I have no money, L.

LOL. And she said, okay, hon, no worries. Just loaded up a bonus for you and loaded up a $5,000 free bet into my account. This lady has no idea that I was just suicidal fucking five days ago. And I was really planning on doing this because I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. And that was my last bet. It was Monday, December 2nd. I played all five grand of it.

It was crazy parlay to try to win as much money back as possible. and I knew the next day. It was like going to rehab. Like if I go to rehab tomorrow, like, I'm going to drink and get high tonight because I'm going to rehab tomorrow. So it was one of those moments. And then I got to GA and I like got a sponsor. And they do this this thing out there.

And in GA, it's amazing. It's called a pressure relief group. So for people who come in who they don't even need to have debt necessarily. The thing about compulsive gamblers like myself is that after gambling for so long, I my money my my perception of money is so fucking distorted yeah it's like I used to bet $10,000 on Chinese ping pong at three o'clock in the morning so I wouldn't spend $500 on shoes but I'd spend 10 grand on Chinese ping pong at 3 o'clock morning which by the way you can't even fucking watch you're watching a ball go over your screen like this sick it's really sick um

it's I laugh at it now but like there's people out there right now who are probably doing the same thing. And so they go through the, they do this thing. It's called a pressure relief group where you list out all of your debts. You list out your expenses. Every expense, grocery, ubers, diapers, whatever expense you have, every single one. And then you put your income in and basically these veterans who have been doing this for multiple decades come through and they talk to you and they say, okay, Devorah, you're, who's giving you the most pressure right now? Are you in danger if you don't pay this person or money? Do you? go any dangerous people, money from sports betting, you go through and you prioritize who you're

paying back. And you basically, I basically called all my creditors and basically told all of them, like, I'm a compulsive gambler. I took your money to gamble. I'm fighting for my life right now. You know I have a child. Please give me a 60-day moratorium to come up with an appropriate and respectable payment plan for you. And in 60 days, I'll come back to you and we'll start the payment plan. And some of my creditors were obviously very hurt and angry and were like, yeah, what other choice will I have? Some of them were hurt, angry, but also like it all fucking makes sense now.

Like at least we know now what's going on. What's going on? And the two most used phrases in my vocabulary for the last 10 years has been a, I'm sorry and I'll pay you back on Friday. And both of those things meant nothing to anybody close to me. Because I'd say sorry and do the same thing over again. And Friday would come and no one would get their money. So for these people, it was like, yeah, we're not getting paid.

And we came up with this payment plan. I turned over all my finances. Mia runs my bank accounts. I have a credit card and I didn't watch sports for a year. I still don't watch sports. I'm a little over a year, and I'm like barely watching. I barely watch any sports. And I self-excluded.

So I sent these forms into the state of New York, basically banning myself from any of these apps, so I can't gamble. And we do the pressure relief group. I come up with these payment plans. I get all of my creditors to accept these payment plans. Some of them were not too thrilled at the amount of money, then how long it's going to take. And then others were kind of like, I'll take anything from you at this fucking point. And now a little over a year into that.

all of my creditors are like, I'm so proud of you. You have either paid me on the first or have paid me a couple of days early. I never ask you for the money. Your podcast is incredible. You look healthy. You're present with your kid. My fiance and soon-to-be wife is like never seen this version of you in five years of everything I put her through. And it's a journey. It's a journey. You know, like I feel like I say this is so many people, and it's in so many different ways, but you can be in a place where you're obviously so much better and you're, you know, working on yourself and growing and healing, but there's still, that doesn't mean that there aren't weak days or weak points. And I think that's kind of just owning the addiction. And it's not that it defines you, but it's realizing like we're human.

We can't always be perfect. We're not, you know, you can work on yourself every single day, but you still might have days where like you don't fully show up for yourself. Yeah. I think it's really important that people understand, you know, some people like myself, I've caused so much damage for so long that now there's like this pressure to be perfect all of the time. And I, like, Mia is so graceful with me and she gives me the space to go to as many meetings as I want. Like I love meetings now. Like I chair an AA meeting. I, chair a gambler's anonymous Zoom. My whole platform has become helping addicts and really with a focus on compulsive gamblers. And the amount of messages I receive on a daily basis for men who are

just an immense amount of pain and living in the dark, stolen all their money from their family, want to kill themselves, gambling, gambling, gambling. If I get 20 messages a day, 18 of them are from compulsive gamblers. And the journey is really begins once you stop the drinking, the drugging, and the gambling. I can't stop until I'm out of that insanity. I can't stop until I'm like living in somewhat of the light and people ask me all the time. Like what's what do I need to do is my first step?

I said, you need to go and tell everyone you love and trust. Mm-hmm. What the fuck is going on? Yeah, I was going to say it sounds like too that the communication and the honesty aspect is really what holds you accountable because it's the most like like you mentioned with the gambling you were able to hide it because it's not like you're wearing it physically. You can't really see it. Yeah. Even if you're stressed, you can kind of blame stress on anything.

But I feel like once you voice it and everyone around you knows, it does kind of force you to hold yourself accountable and be like this is real and it's a problem and it's happening. Gambling is so insidious. It's so insidious. And it's like the finance. aspect of things makes it so much more painful. And of all of the addictions, gambling has the highest rate of suicidal ideation out of all the addictions. And that doesn't surprise me because that was one of the other thoughts I had as well was the fact that money's involved.

I mean, that is enough to drive you nuts. I don't have money to buy diapers for a kid. One day I have half a million dollars in my bank count. the next day I'm negative $2,000. Yeah. It's right. It goes beyond just your health and you and just like your body. It becomes this resource that we rely on to survive, to have a good life.

Yeah. And then when that's ripped away and you have none of it, plus you're in debt, it does. It doesn't surprise me that people will think to themselves, well, no other way out. Like, how are you going to pay it back? You know, I think when you're alone in something, it is nearly impossible. Yeah. And I think what felt the most impossible for me was actually ever stopping. And I think that's what scares so many gamblers and people I talk to is like, how can I ever, like, how is this ever going to stop? And I'm like, bro, I lived like that for 12 years. I could like go on a six month bender with drugs and alcohol and be like, okay, I have to stop. And somehow I'd always like cold turkey stop and put together three. three, six months, whatever before I'd go back out again. But I could never stop gambling. And if I wasn't gambling, I'd be obsessing over my next bet. And then when I was gambling,

everything revolved around where I was getting money, how much money I needed, and what I was betting on. And it was all day. It was all day. From the moment my eyes woke up, I checked sports, I checked lines, I checked everything to the moment I went to bed. And it was all day. From the moment my eyes woke up, I checked, And it was incessant over and over again. And I tell people, I'm like, I lived in prison. I lived in prison. I don't say this for like, oh, poor you, like a pity party. I'm like, I'm saying this because like I see that there's 16 year old kids who are using

their father's social security or mother's social security number to bet on fan duel. And like my bets didn't start at $50,000 a game. I didn't start going to the casino betting $10,000 a hand of blackjack. Like I started with going to the Bahamas at Christmas when I was 15 years old. I took $200 of my Christmas money. I played blackjack for the first time and I turned it into $9,000. Not having any idea out of play asking a dealer hit or stay this or that every single time. And I think when you win it makes it look so easy and quick.

So you're like, oh, I can keep doing this. I thought I was like, I'm going to build my fucking empire. I'm never going to work. This is amazing. Yeah. And then my first time ever betting. with a booking in college, I went 13 for 13 on $100 bets and I won $1,300 bucks. I'm like, this is great.

I'm the fucking guru. I mean, and that's a thing too. With anything, when you just start out and you just like dabble in something, even like when you're mentioning the drugs, of course it seems amazing and feels good. But with anything, you go down this path of no control and too much and it's, it ends up ruining your life. Yeah. And then, you know, I tell people all the time, it's like when I went down to GA in 2016,

and I got up in front of these room of guys and I said to them. I said, if I just win, I don't have to come back here. All I got to do is win. And I thought that everything was like a money problem. If I just made more money, everything's going to be fine. But like, as I made more money, my bets got larger because it needed to be relative for me to feel that rush, that adrenaline, that high. and I would get just, I would get just as high losing as I would winning, maybe even higher.

And like, there was like this ultimate relief sometimes when like I'd gamble every penny I had because I knew I couldn't, it was over. I was like, oh. And then the next day it's doing, okay, who am I going to fucking borrow money from? Who am I going to do this too? Am I going to do that too? I'm not stealing from them because I, this is what I told myself, I'm not stealing from people because I'm going to pay them back.

but I had no way of paying them back unless I won my bets, which was far, far few between. Do you find that now, because you've been sober from gambling for what, you said a year? A year and a month. Okay. So do you find that now there's certain things that are triggers for you? I'm sure, like you said, I know you don't watch sports often. Like, do you ever find yourself still thinking about it or getting that pool? You glamorize it in your mind sometimes.

Okay. Not necessarily, you know, like I tell people, addiction is the only disease that tries to convince you you don't have a disease. I think my mind is sick. My mind remembers only the good times in Vegas, winning money and doing Coke with friends and hot girls and everything is beautiful, picturesque fucking movie perfect. Right. Your mind doesn't, your mind buries the time when you're in your basement alone at three o'clock in the morning. Every penny is gone.

And you want to kill yourself. You're high out of your mind. Yeah. Swore, this swore to God, this would never happen again. And here you are again. And then you wake up again tomorrow and do it all over you. Right. And so yeah, I catch myself.

But I know. Right. And I know because I work a program. And I... So it's like constantly reinforcing and... I've, now I'm like so certain. I'm so certain that I'm powerless over that first bet. And I'm so certain that I'm powerless that if I take a sip of alcohol right now,

there is a very high chance I'm on a plane to Cartagena, Columbia within the next 12 hours to burn my life down. That's how severe of an addict. I am and my disease is never cured. I can arrest it. I can keep it arrested. But as an addict, my disease is never, ever cured. So it's like every day it's a choice you have to make. Every day is choice.

And I do, you know, people are like, oh, I don't want to go to AA and like, like, listen, here's the deal. You can, I probably put between my prayer, meditation, and a meeting that's like 6% of my day. If you break out the time that it takes to do that, six percent of my day to live the other 94% of my day free, happy, joyous, and free. And that's what these programs have to offer you.

Yeah. And for people who are suffering, whether it's drugs, alcohol, or gambling, there is a better way of life. Like we can return to normalcy. Like my mom a year and a half ago wouldn't leave her pocketbook in the same room as me. A year and a half later, my mom has me doing the cash drops at the bank for the restaurant with 10, 20, 30,000 cash.

She has me getting my grandma's check for her, cashing it, and bringing her the cash home six hours later. She wouldn't trust me with fucking $5. Yeah. And that's incredible too because I feel like that's another part of your journey that probably makes you feel like that's a gift to you. Like I'm earning these people's trust back that I love most. And I think like most, like I said this in beginning, like most addicts like we're not bad people trying to get good. We're sick trying to get well. And a lot of us, and I'll speak from in the eye, I felt like I stayed stuck in addiction for so long because everything I was doing was contradicting. predicting my own morals and values, and yet I couldn't stop myself from doing that. And so I felt like such a piece of shit that the only way I wouldn't feel like a piece of shit was to drink, use, or gamble. The drugs, alcohol, and gambling weren't my problem after a certain point.

It was the solution to my problem. My problem is my way of thinking. So all of these major realizations I had come to and accepted, because I had come to them a long time ago, I just never wanted to accept them. It was like, okay, once I accept these things, then I can really do the work to actually like maybe change the way I think. And once I change the way I think, my life will get better. Like the rock bottom for people is different, right? Your rock bottom can be like you black out one weekend with your girlfriends and you're like, okay, that's it. I'm going to A.A. I'm never drinking again. Yeah. And my rock bottom is like

a hundred different ones, you know? And, the thing that makes these programs so amazing is that we can have those different experiences, but we share the common problem. And the common problem is that most of us don't like ourselves and are not happy. And we chose drugs and alcohol to make us happy. And then we come together and we sit, we have some coffee, we hear a good speaker. And we create a community. I was going to, you took the words out of mouth.

I was going to say, community is so important. You know, and I, what you just said, the statement you just made is very similar to what I say about the guests on the show. You know, you might click on an episode and the title is outrageous, something that you've never, you know, you can't possibly relate to. But as you're listening to someone talk about what they felt, the emotions of people, they're so similar. There's so many overlaps and it really creates a community. And I think community is what is so important to just help people feel like they're not alone. Because when you are in these low places, it's very easy to feel like there's no way out. No one understands how I feel.

Everybody else is living a perfect life. Like I'm the problem, you know, all this stuff. And at the end of the day, I think everybody, whether it's addiction or depression or endless amounts of things, I do believe that we have to sort of go through these low points. And once again, those are going to be different for everybody. Some are super low, some are kind of low. Yeah. You know, depending on the person and the circumstances, of course. But I think that we have to go through these parts of life and not knowing who we are.

And maybe even being a thousand different versions of ourselves before we can get to a place or we can reflect and be like, you know, I didn't like these five versions. But I'll take a little bit of this and a little bit of that. And it takes a while to find yourself. And something else that I love that you mentioned, which is so true. and I think such a good way for people to look at self-work is that if you really lay out your day, because nobody really wants to put in the work, it seems like a burden, it seems like we never have enough time because our world is so fast-paced. But if you look at it from the perspective, like it's really only, you know, 6% of my day, even 10% of my day compared to

everything else, if you just put in that work every day and you're consistent with it and it becomes part of routine, like brushing your teeth, it can make the biggest difference. You just have to have that discipline. But I do think that self-discipline is such a huge step in becoming the version of yourself that you're going to be most proud of. Yeah. And I think, you know, to know that I'm not different than others in all of the things that I've done, there's like comfort in that. And like, you know, like, whether you're an addict or not, whether you could just be like bipolar or have schizophrenia or depression, whatever it is. Like there are so many people out there who also suffer from the same thing. Then there are also a lot of people out there who suffer from the same thing, but have also done the work to like live a normal life.

Yeah. And listen, my life is, it's normal. I work. I take care of my family. I go to the gym, blah, blah, blah. But I used to live in the nines and the tens or the zeros and the ones. And now like I've had to like reset my brain and emotional system to like there's going to be like when I get married in March, that's going to be a nine or a 10.

And that's going to be amazing. But I'm going to be fully present to understand that like this is a nine or 10 moment. And then it's going to go back to being in the four, five and sixes. And that's also okay. Like that's actually good for somebody like me. Balance. And like there's going to be the zero and the ones. You're going to lose your parents.

You're going to lose your grandparents. You're going to lose dot. Whatever the case is like life is always going to be like that. But it doesn't have to be like this. Right. And I think the tools of the program and the 12 steps have really helped me move through life and understand that like my sponsor. I don't know if I still.

I'll say it anyways. He says that like, you know, just because you get sober, life's not going to be pizza and blow jobs all the time. You know, and it's like, shit's going to happen. But like you have the tools of this program and like you use the tools of this program and you're going to be okay. Yeah. And I think with where we're at right now in society and just like people are dying, it's not, you're not just sniffing coke anymore. There's a high chance you're going to sniff coke with fentanyl. and you have kids who are gambling for fun and they're getting addicted.

And these companies like Fanduel and Draft Kings, all these companies are like, they're marketing. Yeah. Their customers that they make the most money off of are addicts, degenerates, like me, who are gambling everything they have daily. I'm not telling people not to gamble. There are some people, like I have a friend who gambles like maybe five times a year. And it's like, he's a multimillionaire and he bets, like $200. I can't wrap my head around how he's able to do that. But some people can. Some people can go

out and have one drink. Some people have one drink and it leads to a million. So everyone is just so different. But for the people that it leads to a million, you're not alone. You're not a bad person. You're not different. You're not unique. You just got that thing. Yeah. Got that ism. Right. And I think too, Speaking about it and going through things doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. Yeah. And I think the fact that you speak out about this because like you said, I think it can be very glamorized. Even to this day, I still think alcohol and partying is very glamorous.

Yeah. People crave it. You want to. Everything is good at the peak of it. Yeah. The first shot, first few shots, you're tipsy. It's fun. You're parting.

You're dancing. You win money. It's all a high. And we're always chasing. that high, but it always drops down. Like the end result is never good. Yeah. So I feel like, you know, to speak out about that and just, it's important to always have

that constant reminder because it's not all glamour. You know, what we see in the movies is not realistic and life can get dark really fast. So I give you so much credit for speaking out about it because like you said, there was a point where you completely hit it and you were dealing with it all on your own. And I think that, you know, like with everybody that comes on here and that has their own podcast or speaks out on TikTok about their stories, it empowers a lot of people and it helps a lot of people. And even if you're not changing someone's life, you're making them feel like they're not battling something by themselves. Yeah. And it's like, you know, I, the stigma around addicts in general,

we were talking about this a little bit offline, whether it's alcoholics or drug addicts. Like, you can say you're sober now and like it's kind of like becoming like a cool thing. I don't know about cool, but like it's, it's very accepted. Yep. It's very accepted. And my parents when they were kids, there was a big stigma around that. Right now with gambling, there's a really big stigma. There's still a big stigma.

And there's a stigma because it's been taboo. It's been illegal. It hasn't been allowed. And then you blink your eyes and you look on TV and it's like LeBron James doing a, a commercial for a sports book. Yeah. So it's out there. It's always going to be out there.

And in 20 years from now, there'll be something else that they're trying to sell us to get addicted to. But I think that once we start doing the work on ourselves, you're able to like... Be more control. Yeah. And like just know the right way and the wrong way and like have control over which path. I think too, working on yourself. And like I said, having discipline with yourself, that is a form of control. And I think that really can bleed over into other aspects in your life.

It makes you more grounded and more controlled to say no to things. You know, you have more of, it's a decision for you rather than like, how can I please someone else? Or how can I just do something for this moment rather than let me think a little bit more ahead, what's good for me, what's good for my family, what's good for the people around me. Yeah. You know, so. But you did amazing. Your story is incredible. Thank you.

Appreciate you having me. Of course, there's definitely parts of it too that it's like you would never expect to come out through there. So it's fucking crazy. It is crazy. But it's definitely one that's 100% worth telling and it's going to help a lot of people. So I appreciate it so much. Thanks for having me.