We're All Insane - I Survived a Kidney Transplant

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

Join us as we witness Rachel's courageous battle against illness, the emotional highs and lows of waiting for a suitable donor, and the transformative moment when she received the life-saving gift of a new kidney. Rachel invites us into her world, revealing the physical and emotional toll of transplantation, as well as the profound gratitude for the second chance at life it bestowed upon her. Rachel's Links: Instagram: rrachmariee https://annatheanxietycoach.com/ https://drarielleschwartz.com https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com https://www.attachment-and-trauma-treatment-centre-for-healing.com/blogs/understanding-and-working-with-the-window-of-tolerance If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, I'm Rachel. I'm 24 and today I'm going to be sharing my life story. There's a lot to cover. But I was born in Columbus, Ohio. I'm the youngest of six kids.

There's five girls and one boy. And my parents raised us in the Christian church. And they joined the church later in life when my two oldest siblings were like the only siblings there were. And once they became Christians, they took it very seriously immediately. And that devotion has only grown over time

and just really deepened. And for most of our childhood, my dad was the only one who worked. My mom was homeschooling us, which I have like just not great. Like my opinions on homeschooling aren't great just because my upbringing with it was just not great. It like really caused a lot of, lot of social anxiety for me. And it was like crippling social anxiety for a while.

Thankfully, that's since like gone away. But in 2001, my mom and dad like bought a company. And that was like my mom's baby. Like it still is to this day. Like pretty much comes before like all of us, honestly. And our childhood was just chaotic. Like we were pretty much unsupervised all the time. And like as a kid, it was like so fun to just have free reign and like do whatever you want. But looking back on it as an adult, it's just, it was very neglectful. Like my parents were neglectful in basically like every single way. Like I was a very picky eater and my mom wasn't even making sure I was really eating anything. So I was severely like underweight for a long time.

and this sounds weird, but it'll make sense later. But I, like, constantly had UTIs, constantly. They would get antibiotics for it, and I would, like, finish the, like, series of them, and then it would just, like, come right back. And it truly is, like, I don't even know. It was so weird. And I don't know why no one, like, no doctor or, like, my parents, like, didn't think to, like, look more into it because it was such an issue.

Right. But yeah, they just never did, and that will come into play later on. But I, ever since I was little, I did not feel comfortable in Christianity. It always caused a lot of anxiety and, like, shame and guilt for me. But our parents are just very toxicly Christian, I would say. So we had gone to the same church for like 17 years in total. and we left it when I was nine and then we were like church shopping for a little bit

and that's when my social anxiety really ramped up and that's like my first the first instance of any sort of mental illness that's like where it began and another way that my parents were neglectful was when it came to us being sick so they like would not take us to doctors really

there's like several instances in our childhood we would get fevers that were so high that we would hallucinate. And my mom just, like, never thought to, like, take us to a doctor. It would just get really bad, but we would fight it off. And because God gave us an immune system that can deal with everything. So when I was 12, it was like my first semester at a real school because she would homeschool us to a certain point and then send us to Christian school.

And in December of 2012, me and my two sisters right above me, we got like this stomach bug, like just this flu thing. And my two sisters recovered like in a normal time. It was just like a few days. But it was getting worse and worse for me. And it went on for like a week like that. And on the seventh day, my mom went to wake me up and I was still sleeping. It was like 1 p.m.

and she always says that I was just so pale, like it was really scary. And she would say that I looked the way that, like, her mom did when her mom was dying. And that really freaked her out. And she told me that we need to go to the hospital. I was terrified because I was not familiar with that at all. And also, like, that was just scary for anyone, I think. So she gets a hold of my dad. and we go to the emergency room.

And they took labs, like, put an IV in and put me on fluids. And as soon as they started the fluids, like, I felt so good, like, almost immediately. And we were all really relieved because we thought that I was just dehydrated. I remember since I was, like, perking up, my dad left to go to my sister's basketball game, I think, because he was, like, comfortable with leaving me by myself. Like, everything's fine. and so it was just my mom and I. And a doctor comes in to tell us about the results.

And there's this level called a creatin level that measures your kidney function. And the normal range for it is 0.8 to 1.02. That's the normal range. And they come in and tell us that mine is at an 18. and all of this kind of just went over my head because I was like so young and just didn't really understand the severity of the situation. But they said like we have reason to believe that you're in total renal failure and we need to transfer you to the children's hospital that was like in Columbus. And you were how old? 12.

Okay. Yeah. And it's so funny because I like wasn't even, I was freaked out. But the only thing I could think about was how excited I was to ride an ambulance. I was like, this is going to be so cool. Like that vibe of like when you're a kid and you like want to cast and have people sign it was like that type of thing. It's just so ridiculous. But they transfer me to the Children's Hospital in Columbus and we meet with these two nephrologists.

And they confirm that I am in renal failure. Both my kidneys completely failed. And the plan was to start me on hemodialysis, which is. to filter all the toxins out of your blood because that's like one of the major things that the kitty does. And did they know what caused it? Yeah, they later found out that it was a birth defect. Okay. So like one of my kidneys was really like small, like shrunk down. And so for at a certain point, that one like basically completely failed and one of them was just doing all the work. Okay. And just something with like when I hit puberty, it just really, really, it really, it

couldn't handle it anymore. But yeah, that was why it happened. But, yeah, we're at the Children's Hospital, and they say I need to start the hemodialysis, and then eventually they'll start me on parotoneal dialysis, which does the same thing, but you do it at home. And so they said that they need to put a catheter in my neck to start dialysis immediately, and in time they would eventually put one. in my abdomen, but they would have to wait for that to heal before they could start the other one.

And they transferred me to the ICU and say that they have to put me under, like, right in the room and they're going to put the catheter in my neck. And they said to me, we also have to put a urinary catheter in just in case you can't get up. And like, we also need to measure how much like urine output you're having. And I was freaked out by that because I'm 12. I'm like, I don't even know that part of my body and I was just really freaked out, but they reassured me that I was going to be asleep when they put it in. And just like that point specifically where I'm in the ICU and my parents are there and they're about to put me under, it's such a like dark memory in my head because it was

just kind of the start of like so many health problems in the future. That's just like it's a really dark moment to think about. But they put me under. And for this next part, I want to give just like a trigger warning for sexual assault. It sounds weird out of context, but it'll make sense in a second. I'm going to be describing something that's very similar to sexual assault. So I get woken up from this procedure by these two nurses, like pinning my legs apart and trying to put this catheter in.

and as soon as I'm awake and I realize what's happening, I start freaking out, like, screaming, crying, like, so confused. And they don't, like, stop. They just get more aggressive. And they're, like, really, like, I just didn't feel like a human in that moment because I was, like, begging them to stop. I was, like, punching at them, like, begging them to stop. And they wouldn't.

And they, like, never spoke to me one time through, like, that whole thing. And it went on for a while. and I eventually just like completely dissociated because it was just so traumatizing and so violating and that was that was like a really really scary moment but for like years after that I'm getting a little ahead of myself but for years after that I think because I dissociated it was something that never really

triggered any emotion in me like I could talk about it without anything coming up like I just I remember that it happened, but there was no feeling connected to it. But that changes, like, later on in the story. But, yeah, I was in ICU for a few days. And then they eventually moved me up to just a regular, like, nephrology floor. I don't remember how long I was there at that time. It had to have been at most two weeks. But we spent Christmas there that year. We, like, opened gifts in the hospital lobby, just so, like, depressing to think about. So I was on the hemodialysis for like a month. I couldn't go to school because I was there, like, every other day. And then eventually,

when I was able to start paroteneal dialysis, that was at home. And I would do it. It was every night while I slept for like 10 hours, but I was able to, like, go to school and all that. And I was on a transplant list. And usually, like, people who are on a transplant list, especially a kidney, they have to wait like at least two years to get a kidney. It's just like a really just the process of it like just fucking sucks. Like it's horrible. And if you were to get a call, it's like immediate, right? Yeah. Yeah. So I was on that list and so May comes around, May of 13. And my mom and I through like the hospital, this sounds like black market shit, but it's like legit.

We were going to go into this network of people, like 14 other people. And she was going to donate a kidney to someone in the group and I was going to receive one. It was just like this network of people. And so on May 7th, they finalize it. They're like, you're going to be getting a kidney next month. And I was so excited.

I remember telling all my friends at school and they were all so happy for me. The next day, My doctor calls us and said that he doesn't like this kidney for me. He doesn't like a physiological profile of the person that's donating it. He doesn't think it's a good match. It was just a roller coaster emotions. I was like devastated.

It was just really, really sad. And then the next day at 3 in the morning, my dad gets a call from my doctor saying that they have a kidney that like this, it was a 23-year-old man who had had, way in a motorcycle accident, but he has a kidney that he thinks is perfect. So we go and I get my transplant. And I've had it ever since. It's been like 12 years. And yeah, it's just been doing totally fine. Good. Yeah, it's really, really cool. That's amazing. Yeah. And so the whole time I was in treatment for it on dialysis, my cratinine level only went down to a 17. Like it was basically just like keeping me alive. But after the transplant, once it was all like

hooked up when I got from the surgery, it dropped down 0.8. It's just so wild, like how all of that works. And it's also weird because they just leave your regular, like your old kidneys in there. So I have like three kidneys in my body. Really? Wow. I did not know that. So they're not replacing it. No. They just put it right on like your belly like usually they try and put it like by your pelvic bone okay but yeah and everything was pretty much smooth sailing after that all I had to do for maintenance was drink a lot of water intake immunosuppressive medications and also I'm assuming going back to when you were child and you would always get the UTIs that's because it was like leading up too yeah yeah yeah because the way that my kidneys were deformed it was

was also that one was smaller, but the kidneys are attached to your bladder by these things called yurters. And the yurters were like in the wrong place. So basically, like urine was like back flowing into my kidneys, my whole childhood. Yeah. But yeah, for maintenance, it was just consistent labs, drink a lot of water and immunosuppressive medications because when you have anything transplanted in your body, your immune system thinks it's like a foreign thing.

Like if it's like, they'll think it's some kind of like sickness. Right. So you have to lower your immune system so your body doesn't attack it. When my health problems began, my parents almost immediately sort of exploited me. They started this Facebook page called Pray for Rachel. And at first, I think they did it to just keep people updated because, it was such a serious situation and there were so many people in our lives that it would have been too much to like be texting them or whatever once the health problems began I had pretty serious

like just mental problems like I was 12 and I just like truly wanted to die um which in reality it's just like you don't want to deal with the situation it's not like actually wanting to die but it was like that happened too it's a young age I feel like and I think too when you're dealing with something physical and then that kind of gets better, then your body turns to the next thing, which is like going back to the mental. No, exactly. Yeah, exactly. And I don't know what this is with my parents, but they just didn't tolerate me being upset about it.

They shut it down very quickly. They would tell me that I was too blessed that God could have killed me, but he decided not to, that I'm so lucky and people have it worse. And they really saw me being upset as like it was like sinful. And it was just very dark, very dark thing going on. And that was the reality of it. But on this Facebook page, every single post was so positive. It'd be like a picture of me with like a thumbs up.

And they'd be like Rachel's doing great. Spirits are so high. And like praise God. And I think what it became was on one end, I think it helped my parents to like reinforce their faith almost because, and I kind of like just pretended to be a Christian at the time. I didn't really like feel that way. But I think it helped them seeing me be happy because of God. But then I think it low-key became a thing for all the people following the page because they're all mostly Christians. And Christians are so weird about kids who are sick.

It's like so disturbing almost. They just like really like idolize you and it's just really weird. But that's kind of what that page turned into where it was just like not real. And they would sometimes have me write posts and like say I'm doing great when like I didn't feel that way. So that was just a really odd thing that it turned into. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast. Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless.

Each week we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to True Crime News available now wherever you get your podcasts. I think something challenging, there's so many different ways to look at it. But one thing is I think that parents feel a lot of times, like it's their job to like keep your spirits high and not let you get down to a level of feeling negative. But no matter what age you are, we're all entitled to feel however we feel, however we want to feel, however our minds are making us feel. obviously none of us ever want to feel negative or down but just because you feel that way even though yeah you were lucky and blessed that you know you had this transplant and it was and it was successful

doesn't mean that mentally you're going to be matching up with that right because you are still so young yeah those are all very traumatic things to happen and a small young brain cannot grasp all of those things and keep it pushing like you're not an adult you're not like you know what I mean there's so much there. And I think a lot of times people, especially our parents, can't really understand that and understand like, wow, like my kid really went through something. And I should make sure they're okay mentally. I think obviously they probably saw, oh, she could have died and she didn't.

We're so happy she's here. But yeah, that's great. But now let's work on the mental health. Right. A lot of people don't realize that. And another thing is with the religious aspect, I think that on one end, it's great to if people want to pray and believe in prayer and believe in God and miracles. Good.

Great. Do your thing. Yeah. But I think that pushing it very hard on people, whether even if you, even if you raise a kid to be religious and you're a religious parents, trying to think I'm out of word of this. I know my mom's going to be listening. I told my mom not to listen to this. No. Because of this.

Right. No. Seriously, though. But like there's religious parents and they might raise their kids religious. And you might have this religious upbringing. And the parents, I think, they expect their kids to be that way and turn out that way. But I never think anybody should push religion or anything, spiritual, anything on anybody. So to have this whole success story around your health to be so focused around that and turn into this whole prayer thing and all this positivity, I think it can really put like a bad taste in your mouth towards that.

Which I, once again, I don't think outside perspective or parents realize why. I think that they look at it like you're selfish and bitter and mean. But I think that if you're not going through it, you're not going to really understand why you're feeling the ways that you're feeling. Exactly. If that makes sense. No, for sure. And I think it's like, I think when something really hard or like devastating happens to someone and then like other people are involved, I think they're, at the core of it, they're so angry at the situation, but it comes out wrong sometimes, where it was

like the anger would come out on me, but I think they were also just really mad that it was happening to me. And like, I agree. I like feel if you like are religious, that's great. And like, if that works for you, like, I love that. It's just that the majority of Christians I've come across in my life are just like bad people. So that's why I have such like a negative connotation to it. Well, I think it's too, even if there's religious people that aren't necessarily bad, I think it's very hard. I don't think they realize this because in their mind they're doing the right thing. Yeah.

But I think it's really hard for people that aren't religious or don't believe in the same things to relate or to agree when every single thing they're talking about is just religion-based. Yeah. Like she's saved because of this. Yeah. Or she's okay because of this. Like, if that helps you sleep at night, Right.

Great. Like I believe in miracles. I believe in a higher power. Cool. But like I think that we can have a balance of like just kind of being like I'm just so glad you're okay. However it happened. You know what I mean?

I don't know. I know exactly. I think that that's kind of where it starts to get foggy because not everybody believes in the same thing. Exactly. Yeah. And it's a lot. It is.

Put it all on like in one. And you know, it's a lot. Yeah. For sure. And I think that's where like my religious trauma. really comes from. Yeah. Because, like, growing up before all this happened, most of my memories of it are very good.

I think I, my religious experience is not nearly as bad as what a lot of people go through. Like, I didn't go through any, like, abuse through my church. Like, it was, I look back on that very fondly. But when all of this started, I kind of saw, like, the darkness of it. And it's just unfortunate. I think sometimes too, like the fakeness. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like everywhere. It's so bad. And what also started during that time was kind of like addictive tendencies. So addiction like runs in my family. And I was just thrown into this world where like I was getting like painkillers. and when I would have my consistent panic attacks, they just like would give me out of van, which is basically like Xanax, instead of like teaching me tools on like how to deal with the panic. And since I was just so scared and so much pain from the situation for so many reasons,

it was just like an escape for me. And so I would pretend to be anxious, pretend to be in pain sometimes just so I could get it, just to get some relief. It's just sad. It's really sad to think of little me, like, going through that, because it's something that affects me, like, to this day, just, like, different substances. But after I got my transplant, it was smooth sailing for a while. And then when I was 15, and I think it was, like, April 1st of 2015, which, like, is so hard. ironic to me. But I was at school and after lunch that day I started to get kind of this pain

like in between like right below my sternum and I didn't know what it was and it just was getting worse and worse as the day went on. And there was a volleyball open gym after school. I played volleyball for eight years, I think. I told my coach that was having this pain and after describing my symptoms she thought that it was heartburn. So she told me to take tums. I did but it just kept getting worse. And this was on a Wednesday, and I skipped school Thursday, Friday, because it was just debilitating pain. We just, like, didn't know what was going on. So we went to the hospital. They did some tests, and they noticed that the whites in my eyes were yellow. And so they were thinking it was like hepatitis. But they admitted me, and for a few days, they were just doing different.

ultrasounds and scans and labs. And they concluded that it was either hepatitis or it was cancer. And which is just horrible, my two choices. Because they saw some sort of enlargement in my abdomen, but they couldn't tell if it was a mass or some inflammation. So one day, I'm in my hospital room with my dad, this doctor comes in. And he seems like he hasn't slept in like a week. He's very frantic and like seems like there's something really wrong with him. And he tells us that he was like, I can't tell you for sure, but it looks like it's hepatitis. I'm like 99% sure. It's just hepatitis. My dad was super relieved. A doctor left the room and he was like, oh, Rachel, this is, this is great news. And I felt weird. I was like, I don't believe him. Like, I don't want to get my

hopes up because that's not the definitive answer. Something felt off about it. And a few hours later, about nine or ten doctors walk into my room. And they tell me that I have cancer. I have non-Hodgkins Birkitts lymphoma. And after I heard that, I just completely was in shock. And I, I just completely was in shock. and I don't remember anything else that they were saying. I remember just staring at the foot of my bed. I was wearing these pink, like, fuzzy socks. And there were just so many thoughts going through my head. And I was like, just tears.

Just thinking, like, am I going to die? Like, how did this happen? Like, what's going on? Like, so confused. And whenever you're admitted in a hospital, if a doctor comes in, they will do, like, a really quick assessment. listen to your lungs and do other things before they leave. It was really sweet because all of them were coming through doing that.

And they all were saying, like, you're going to be okay. Like, so sorry, this is happening. You're too young for this. But like it's going to be okay. It was just like a sweet moment. Once they left, I left the room because I just needed a minute. And it was on the 11th floor of this hospital. So I love to always sit in this like big glass window and look at the city.

And I was just sitting there. so confused, so scared. My dad comes out and sits next to me, and he's just, like, weeping. Like, I had never seen my dad cry before, and it was just so heartbreaking. And he was telling me that he would do anything in the world to take my place.

And then he tells me to reassure me that it's very treatable. They said it was very treatable. It's like a three-year-old. month treatment. It's going to be okay. And I think kids are so resilient. That's like, that's something I'm really proud of from that time is just the resiliency of like just a child. Because I instantly was like, okay, like I'm fine then. Like, I could do this. Okay. If it's curable, like whatever. Like I got through this other thing. Like, I'll be fine. And I ended up being

hospitalized for a whole month. And they moved me up to the oncology floor at the, the top floor. And that was such a surreal moment. They were giving me a tour of the whole floor. And because the cancer patients, like some of them basically live there. Like, they're admitted for months at a time. And so they had like, it was different from the other floors. There was like a classroom. There was like a teen room and then like a room for the smaller kids and just walking through and peeking in all the rooms and seeing these kids of various ages just bald. It was so weird. It was seriously so weird. And so the plan was to put a port in my chest for chemo. And they started me, I don't remember what the regiment was. It was like a few different kinds of

chemo, but I was going to have four rounds in total. And what that would look like is I would be hospitalized for eight days. On the first day, they would start the chemo and I'd be on it continuously for a week. And on the first and last day, they would do spinal tap, which is where they put like a needle in your spine and they take a sample of the spinal fluid and then put chemo into the spinal fluid, into the spine, just because they really want to be cautious about anything with your brain. And even if they can test and see if there's any cancer in your central nervous system, like, I actually know if that was the right word. They just want to be sure, so they would do that.

And the spinal taps were just, oh, it was rough. I'd be asleep for it, but usually they'll have people lay down for an hour afterwards. You have to lay flat to keep from getting a headache. Just because your spinal fluid, it's so fragile and, like, just sensitive, where it can really, like, fuck up your equilibrium if you take anything out of it. So, but that never worked for me. They would have me lay down for like seven hours because I would get these horrible spinal tap headaches, which is just essentially the worst migraine you've ever had in your

life and it lasts like weeks. So that was like a big, a big side effect for sure. And yeah, that's what the week would look like and then I'd get two weeks off. And I just, I had so many different weird side effects. through all of it. And typically the side effects don't hit you until like a week after your treatment, which I didn't know that until it happened to me. But yeah, it was pretty rough, I would say. Shaving my head was so weird, really, really difficult. It was just like a roller coaster of emotions when that happened. It was like laughing, then I was crying, then I was laughing,

and crying through the whole thing. But I got used to it, of course. And once again, mental health was garbage, it was just like a situational thing. Yeah. Because when all the kidney stuff was basically over, I was totally fine again. But then when the cancer came, it started right back up. And yeah, that was really tough. Yeah, my mental health was just really bad again. And another thing that happened was I almost became this,

like token sick friend or token sick person to the people at my school, I just felt like I was like some attraction because people would come and visit me who I wasn't friends with and they would like come to take a photo with me for Instagram and then excuse me and then continue not to talk to me after that. Like it was just so odd. Yeah, I hated that. And I didn't realize really what it was until later on. that these people just really needed that Instagram post.

Yeah, it was just really weird. But, yeah, so that went on from April to July, mid-July. I was done, finished all my chemo. And for kids, they usually won't say or officially remission until five years after, like, you finished treatment. I forgot to mention this part, but basically how it happened was, a healthy person with a healthy immune system, you're fighting off cancer cells every day, but your immune system can handle it.

But since mine was suppressed, and it was suppressed too much, that's how I got cancer. It's kind of common. It's called PtLD. It's post-transplant lympho-prolipative disorder. So, yeah, it can happen to like any person who has a lot of. any sort of like autoimmune thing like even if you just have crones and you're treated for it it can happen too yeah that's how that like all came to be but yeah after that I was fine for a few years started back three months yeah and then you do they test you again yeah I would have consistent

labs and scans and like meeting with my nephrologist so after the three months it was successful yeah okay yeah and then you went on about life again yeah they'll do it a scan like in the middle of your treatment to see where it's at and it was perfectly on track with what they wanted um yeah so it was just maintenance things afterwards but that was the summer before sophomore year so i went through sophomore year fine junior year fine um i got in my first relationship junior year and that's when my mental health stuff really came out and i think it's just when you have your first relationship, it's like this new dynamic. And I think a lot of your childhood stuff can come out or you just like repeat what you saw in your parents. But it was

mental health stuff that I didn't even know I really had until this relationship. And I would have really horrible social, no, I'm sorry. I don't know. I had really horrible separation anxiety from him. And I had a mini kind of breakdown my senior year because it's so embarrassing because he went on the senior trip and my parents didn't let me go. I wasn't going to see him for like a week or two and I just had like a breakdown over it. And my parents set me up with a therapist and then I was on anxiety medication. But it was just Ativan. It wasn't like a consistent thing that you would take because typically Ativan is just for panic attacks. something you don't use that often because it's so addictive. It's in a group called benzodiazepines,

and they're so addictive. It's just like not safe to use it as much as I was using it. Then I graduated in 2018 and started at nursing school the fall of that year, which my parents really wanted me to do it because I could relate to the patients and I could tell them how God got me through my problems. He'll get you through yours. Like, I just didn't want to do it at all, but I did it anyways. And then during that semester, I was sexually assaulted by one of my, like, best guy friends. And that is a moment that really started just the decline of, like, my adulthood, just mental health-wise. And after that, the abuse of the benzos got really bad. Like I was constantly just taking them and I would like black out.

I would do things and not even remember what I did. Like I would fully leave my house and come back and have no memory of what I did. I just didn't want to feel anything. I didn't want to be in my body just because that was so much. It was just too much. Yeah, you didn't want to face anything that you were feeling. Yeah. And then my boyfriend and I, we broke up in fall of 2019, I think it was.

And then going into 2020, I got into a relationship with a guy who was really sexually abusive and was just a very scary man. I know people throw this word around a lot, but I genuinely think he was a psychopath. He just was a very scary person. and that only went on for a few months, but it was just a bad situation. But in the beginning of 2020, I smoked weed for the first time and loved it. I loved how it felt.

It was just an accident waiting to happen, basically. But I only did it socially after I tried it for the first time. Like that summer, I would go boating with my friends a lot and just someone always had like a dab pen. So we were just, that's how I was doing it mostly. Then in the fall of that year, I reconnected with this old friend, this like childhood friend. And she was a stoner. And she's the one that introduced me into like smoking actual weed.

And we were always high, like constantly. And it became very habitual after that. And it was something I really would crave. And our friendship only went on for like six months in total because it was kind of But also during that time, I cut off my whole friend group at college because they were, they were really horrible friends, like just like high school, like bully stuff. And I cut them off. And it was fine because I had this new friends.

It was like, okay. But then right after the new year, beginning of 21, our friendship like blew up. Like it was just huge, like falling out. And my mental state just really, really plummeted. because I had like no one anymore. And I just started back to school. And I think like coming off from smoking all the time did something to my brain. So I asked my parents if I could take that whole year off of school just because I was

wanting to take care of my mental health. And they allowed me to do that. So once I started college, I wasn't religious anymore. I was straight up with my parents about it, how I just, it never felt right to me. and it was just not what I identified with anymore. Because they just put a lot of pressure on all of us growing up. And there was so much shame if, like, you didn't want to go to church one Sunday. Like, they'd be so, like, passive-aggressive towards you the whole day.

And it was just horrible. And I got to the point where, because I was so, they made me so anxious about it, but I hated, like, the religion. I just hated being a part of it that I was going to, to my own church by myself and they like had us on fine friends and so I would like go to the church and sit in my car the whole time so they like thought I was there and then I would go home and that didn't last long because I was just I can't do this like I'm 18 now like I don't need to be doing this like just yeah it was just it was nice to finally be freed from it and gets where I am now where I'm just like

spiritual, like definitely believe that there's some sort of higher power, but not all the rules and like all just like the hatefulness that comes from it. But yeah, I just backtracked really quick, but I wanted to mention that part. But yeah, back to end of 2020. So in December of 2020, I started nannying house sitting and dog sitting for this couple that my brother's wife connected me to. She worked in the hospital with the mom. She was a doctor. And I'm going to be referring to them as family A. Okay.

Yeah, I was parents and then one little boy. So I This part just gets kind of confusing When I start talking about the beginning of 21 It's like all of this is overlapping with Dog sitting and like babysitting for this first family But like I was saying I decided to take the whole year off of school

Just to like take some time and kind of find myself more Just because I was so confused with just like my identity and like all of that. So it was nice to like be done with it for a little bit. And in March of that year, I went and visited my oldest sister. She lived in Boston at the time. And her name is Lauren.

She's like my best friend. She's the oldest. I don't know if I said that, but literally my best friend in the whole world. Like we've always been really close. And when I visited her, she was pregnant and she just happened to go into labor while I was visiting. So her little baby, Dakota, she's, I truly like love her like she's my own child. Like she's just, oh my goodness.

I think just since I'm so close to Lauren, it was just like this really deep bond. And just with all of the like depression I dealt with, I'm just so thankful for my siblings, like, kids because it's truly given me just like a will to live and like something to hold on to and something to just love you know and that was a really great way to start that year and then April comes around and my sister Liz and our friend Lauren moved in together an apartment that was like 10 15 minutes from my parents house and Lauren is she's probably going to watch this. Lauren is a stoner.

And when they moved in together, her and I started smoking together a lot because I had it for like three months. So yeah, we just were smoking all the time. And it got to the point where I was like buying my own stuff now and like had my own like pieces because the friend I never like bought anything. Like I would just always smoke through her. And so yeah, we were just literally high all the time. It was like a lot, a lot of weed.

And like I said, during that time, there's family A. They introduced me to a family that they were friends with, which is family B. It's a pregnant mom, the husband, and then a little boy. And then family A at some point introduced me to a third family, family C. Sorry, this is so confusing. And it was parents and then a, like almost a newborn. So there's family A, B, and C. Yes.

And the primary one is family A. They're the ones that connected me to everyone. I, like, loved them. They were really, really good to me. And they were very comfortable with me. And I just thought they were, like, the coolest people ever. And they're the main ones. that hooked me up with sort of a weird thing to say.

They connected me with the other families. They were very, very good to me, very generous and just kind. I just loved them so much and just thought they were the coolest people ever. And I would kind of notice things about all of these families that was making like mental notes of. So just like little things that seemed a little off to me, but I didn't think anything of it until later on. Like with Family A, they would make like kind of like dark jokes in front of me. And like there was this one time where the dad was helping the son like go to the bathroom because he's being potty trained. It was just the three of us.

And the little boy was like, it's not working. Like I can't do it. And the dad was like, I get it like sometimes my penis doesn't work either. Like he like said that in front of me. And I was like, right, that's weird, but just weird stuff like that. And then with Family B, they were getting ready to move out of state. And the wife would always make these comments about the husband because she was pregnant. She was like primarily the person that was like packing up the house.

Like he would work a lot, but he like wouldn't help her. She was like very pregnant. She would always make comments about how he's like not helping out and like how she never sees him and all of this stuff. And then there was family C who they were really sweet. But the dad worked from home. So I would be there watching the baby. And he just gave me like this weird vibe.

Like while the baby was napping because he was, a fairly young little baby. So he slept a lot. And during those times, I would sit in a living room and I would, like, read a book. And he would, like, always come downstairs and, like, sit in there with me and just talk to me for, like, the longest time. And I just, for some reason, had such a weird feeling about it. And then I remember in their bathroom, they had a photo from their wedding.

And his best man looked so much like their son. And I remember thinking like, dude, like, is this like T? Like, what is going on? Like, I mean, exactly. Like, it was so weird. So I'm making all these mental notes of this. And this is over like, I would say, because I started with Family A in December of 2020. And then the main event I'm about to bring up happen in July of 21.

So this is, I was watching for all of these families. Because eventually Family B moved out of state. They were all packed up. And then I started nannying for family C. And then it was just like dog sitting, house sitting, date night, babysitting for the family A. So during all of this, I'm smoking very, very heavily. And I have several family members who have schizophrenia. So I have a predisposition for psychotic disorders.

So what essentially had happened was at, like, the end of June, I, my mood started elevating and things were kind of just changing mentally. And I was really, like, thinking about all these little things I had noticed, like, these dots I thought I was connecting and was about to jump to a very crazy conclusion. But in the beginning of July, I was really reflecting on, like, the catheter thing that happened, the, like, assault, basically. So, beginning of July, I was reflecting one night on the catheter thing that happened, the assault. And I couldn't sleep all night because I was really thinking about it. and like it suddenly was like the trauma caught up with my body and I was freaking out over it and

so upset and it was as if it was happening to me again just because like I said I dissociated and I think it was just buried within me for so long and then it all of a sudden just like hit me and it was just really, really horrible. And something I didn't mention with the story is while that was happening, the catheter thing, my parents were outside the room, and so were two of my sisters. And they're hearing all of this. And what really was making me upset about it when it came back to haunt me, basically, was I was like, why didn't my parents do anything?

Like, why didn't they bust into that room? like I can't imagine as a parent like not doing that and I really thought that it was the root of why I was so like mistrustful towards them because I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that they didn't do anything about it so yeah the morning finally comes around after having thought about it all night and I'm just like hysterical and I go to my sister Liz and I say can you go with me to mom and dads because I need to talk to them about this And it's just like, I need to hear like an apology or something because I just, it's so upsetting to think about. So we went and talked to my parents and in very typical fashion, they took no responsibility at all. And they probably said like I was remembering it wrong or like just they just don't apologize for things. If they don't remember a certain thing, they're just not going to apologize for it. They remembered it, but it's just like that same vibe of like, I don't know. So I had that conversation with them.

Didn't really go well. But like almost immediately after the conversation, I essentially was thrown into a full-blown manic episode. I felt amazing. I felt like on top of the world, like everything they say about manic episodes, that's what was happening. but I was going into psychosis. I was slowly going to psychosis. So all of those weird dots I connected about these families, I was drawing conclusions about all of it.

Like, just was having these like really, really crazy delusions, basically. So a lot of the beliefs I was having at the time were very manic, but then there were ones that were very psychotic. So I had this weird belief that I had like power over like energy and like electricity. And I like believe that I was like about to become like famous. And then like this one, this part's so funny. I pull up to my house one day. I'm just in my car.

And I'm all of a sudden, I just think. Because everything I was thinking, I believed it. Like, I would have one random thought about like a random thing. And that would be like, oh, yeah, that's true. I sat there. I started crying of tears of joy because I thought that Harry Stiles was the one. I was like, I meant to be with Harry. And I was like crying.

I was like, oh, my God, it's been him all along. I think a lot of people probably do that and think that. I remember I went into my room. I got rid of all of my hairy stuff. I throw out my posters, my records, my CDs. Because I was like, well, when we meet, like, I don't want to seem like some crazed fans. So I, like, got rid of everything. It's so funny.

And, like, just this super elevated mood, especially with the energy thing, that's also embarrassing because my sister and her boyfriend at the time and our friend were, like, witnessing all of this. And they're just kind of like, what the fuck is wrong with her? Yeah. What is going on? Yeah, I just felt great. And during that time, I wasn't really eating or sleeping because I just was on cloud nine and felt like I didn't eat these things.

Right. So I'm just slowly falling into like madness at the same time. I'm having all these delusions and I felt like I had, I felt like I was on a mission. And basically the biggest thing with this whole episode was I, thought that there was a child sex trafficking ring going on with all of these families. Like, I really, really was convinced. And just since my, like I said before, since my brain was just like, I was severely, like, unwell.

And I would remember certain things and then believe to my core that, like, that's what these things meant. And like, I remember they had, like, baby cameras that are, like, connected to your phone. And I thought that they were, like, watching me through the cameras. And I just really believed that there was some, like, ring going on, which is just so dark. And I don't want to get too much into the details of, like, the things I was thinking. But all I can say is that I was having just very disturbing thoughts and, like, really worried about this happening. Two weeks, into nannying for Family C. I get up one morning and drive to their house for work.

And as I'm driving there, I thought I saw the husband of Family B, the ones I had moved out of state. Saw him walking down the street, and he was a doctor. Saw him walk down the street smiling and over his shoulder on like a hanger was like his white coat. I saw him and I was like, why is he here? Like what's going on? Like, I instantly thought, like, did he come back here and, like, abandon his wife because of, like, all the things she would say about him. And so I call the family A, the wife.

I call her. And I'm like, hey, like, I just saw, like, Jeff. And I'm really confused because, like, I thought they were out of state and like I'm just worried that something happened. And she on the phone was like, that is really weird. It's weird that they wouldn't tell us they were in town. Like, let me call her and then I'll get back to you. Then I go to work that day.

And the dad was just giving me weird vibes. And at this time, I'm believing that there's this like ring going on. And I was convinced that like the husband was, like going to leave his wife that day for some reason. I was just like felt like all these things were like off. At one point there was like a guy outside who was like doing like mowing like some, I don't know. He was doing some yard work and I was convinced that it was my abusive ex. I like thought he was outside the house. And at the time I was talking to this guy and I texted him like this paragraph saying that he was like a friends with benefits and I like texted him this paragraph

about how I was in love with him and that he was the one which like make up your mind like is it him or Harry like I don't know but just humiliating and so I was so anxious about things that I like told the husband I was like I need to go home like I don't know what's wrong with me right now I'm very anxious I need to go home he was like okay cool so I drive home and I can feel something brewing, like some weird feeling in my body, like something was happening. And it was just about to, like, explode.

And I remember sitting in the living room with my dad, and I got notification of, like, the baby monitor, like the baby moving. And I saw that and thought, like, oh, they're tracking me, like, they're watching me. And I remember asking my dad about, like, a VPN. I was like, should be, like, a VPN? Like, I feel like our phones aren't safe.

He was like, no, like, don't worry about it. You're okay. At the time, I would go on drives a lot. So I leave the house to tell my parents I'm just going on a drive. I leave my house. I call the wife, a family A, because she never got back to me. And I call her. And almost instantly, when I heard her voice, I just have a meltdown.

And I start panicking. And I'm like, I'm coming. to your house, like something's going on. Like, I need you to call the cops. I need the cops to be there when I get there. And driving there, thinking that, like, all the people in the cars are following me, like, I'm driving by, like, just so out of my mind, I get to her house, there's no cops. So my thought is, oh, like, they're unsafe. Like, they're in on it. Like, this is bad. I go in. She sits me down at the table and we start talking. I was convinced that all of the families were upstairs and that they were like going to jump me.

They were going to like take me away. And I'm sitting there telling her about the conclusion I came to about the catheter situation and just really like dump a lot on her. But I never told her that I thought this ring was going on because I didn't know if I could trust her or not. And at one point, she looks to me and she's like, Rachel, Jeff, Family B guy, like, he's not in Ohio. Like, they're in like whatever state they live in. Like, he's not here. And I was like, like, had this split second where I was like, I'm losing my mind.

Like, I'm literally crazy. But then immediately after that, I was like, she's lying. She's lying to me. Like, I can't trust her. So basically when I saw him, I completely hallucinated him, which is wild. And so she- So are you diagnosed with schizophrenia as well? No.

No. So like, I'll get to that, like the diagnosis. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah. So I like somehow, I like try to leave without like looking like I'm rushing because I like really feel like she's after me. This was a part I completely forgot to mention.

But all of these families, they all worked at the children's hospital that I was treated as a kid. So that really played into what I thought was going on. And I remember when I was sitting with wife A telling her about all of this, I brought up like my doctor that I was seeing at the time. and she pulls up her phone and she's like, oh, what's his name? And she instantly like finds it. And she's like, is it him? Like, it was in a matter of like five seconds.

And I remember being so weirded out by that because I was like, how did you even find him that quickly? She was like, oh, like, we used to work together, like, whatever. And honestly, to this day, all of my delusions, all that is over. But to this day, I'm like still so confused by that moment where I'm like, how did you find that so fucking quickly. It was like really odd. But yeah, eventually I'm like, I'm fine. Like, I'm just going to go home and go to sleep. Like, I'm okay. And I remember she's saying by to me. And I didn't know that this was just like a saying that people said, but it was just so

unfortunate. But she goes, all right, like, go to sleep. Like, I'm a mile away. And I remember, and I was on my way to the guy's house I was talking to who lived right by them. And I was like, oh my God. Like, she knows where I'm going. And I just didn't know. that that was a saying of like, I think it basically means like, oh, I'm here for you or something. So I drive straight to the guy's house. I would just walk into his apartment. Like, I didn't even tell him I was coming. I show up.

And I was like, we were talking, like catching up. And at one point I say, I said I was like, I love you. And his reaction is so funny. He just goes, I need a cigarette and like get something. So we go outside. He's smoking a cigarette. I'm just sitting there, like, feeling so, like, stupid. I'm like, what did I just do?

And that was, like, the whole visit. Like, I just, from there, I was like, okay, I got to go, went home. And my parents had no idea it was going on, but I couldn't sleep the whole night because I was convinced that they were after me. And I was really terrified. Like, anytime I try to doze off, I would, like, immediately wake up and, like, freak out. I was like, I need to be, like, I need to sleep with one eye open, basically. I was like, they're after me.

My parents were trying to, like, help me fall asleep, like, all night, like, trying to sit with me. Like, it just, nothing was working. So the following morning, I, it's weird because there were just so many conflicting things. It was, I believe this is happening. and then a small part of me knew it wasn't, but the delusions were mostly taking over. And I told my dad that he needs to take me to, like, a mental hospital. He needs to take me to the hospital.

Because, like, something's wrong. And then I also was thinking, well, I'm so scared that they're going to kill me that I might kill myself because I was just so terrified. And, like, right before we left, I told my dad, I was like, this is insane, but I need to like smash my phone because I think they're tracking me. Like I need to smash my phone. And so I smash my phone with a hammer. My dad just watched me do it.

And that's just a really sad memory because my dad's brother has schizophrenia and he saw him through a lot of his like episodes. and that moment was just really hard because I was like, I guess to deal with this with like his kid takes me to this mental hospital and as I'm getting checked in in like a room, I like confess to him that I had been smoking because I didn't say this, but I was in a cannabis-induced psychosis. Yeah.

I don't know. I think it was a mix of my predispositions for things. and like I was buying the weed just like from a friend and I was smoking a lot. So I think it was just a perfect storm of things. But yeah, I told him I'd been smoking weed and he was just like floored. And once they checked me in and he had to leave that caused like a whole fiasco with my family because like no one knew. And how long were you there in the hospital?

It was only two and a half days. Okay. But it was a like god awful experience. It was, it's in this very rich part of like a little town outside of Columbus. So it looks really pretty on the outside. But the people who work there are like horrible. I'm not shitting on all of them, but I don't think any experience in a mental institution is great. I mean, unless you're just like, it happens to be the nicest people and that genuinely just want to help you and make you feel as comfortable as possible.

it's a very scary, uncomfortable, unsettling experience. For sure. They are very isolated and confused and, you know. Yeah. I think because what they tend to do is apply the, like, medical model to mental illness. And it just doesn't translate very well. It's scary. Yeah.

It's, I know there's good institutions, but you just hear such horrible, like, horror stories. and that was like basically what happened with me. So when I got admitted, they tried to instantly diagnose me with borderline personality disorder, which I don't have. And that's not even how you diagnose a personality disorder. You have to be under surveillance from a psychiatrist

for like months and months and months for them to give you that diagnosis. So it was just so inappropriate and just not correct. And there was a nurse there, I've actually got reported by another nurse while I was staying there who was telling everyone that I was completely faking what was going on. And I kid you not, she was like specifically telling people to be mean to me. Like other nurses telling them to be unkind to me.

I'm faking it. Like I just want attention. Like all this stuff. And which is just wild. I'm like, someone give me a fucking. like Oscar then if I was making that up like it was crazy so this facility was just like really horrible um I wasn't eating or drinking anything and they also weren't making sure that I was taking my medications like including my transplant medications really shady stuff and I was just an emotional wreck

while I was there it was in this huge like hall and all I did the whole time was walk laps around the whole place all day every day. Like I never stopped walking and I was like panicking. I was convinced that I was like right about all of it and that my parents were in like witness protection. Like it was just a disaster. And at one point I like was convinced that I was like in hell. Like I thought I was in hell.

And I was assigned this social worker and it was this guy and he always wore a mask. I was convinced that he was my ex, the like abusive one. but he's kind of like the hero of the story because they were not letting me leave. I was like trying to leave, but when you go to a hospital and you say you want to kill yourself, usually it's like mandatory you have to be there for 72 hours. And I would meet with my psychiatrist each day and be like, I want to leave. Like I need to leave. And they're like, you can.

You just have to sign against. medical like recommendation and i was like can i like talk to my parents first like because i was just i didn't know what to do i remember the psychiatrist she was such a bit she was like well if you're an adult then just figure it out and like left the room and i was just like i was like cussing out people there it was so unlike me like i was just so mad like i could just tell that they were so just like awful towards me. It was just a bad situation. But what ended up happening was I requested that they do blood work

so I could find out what my cradent level was. Had the blood work, no one was telling me what the results were. I was asking people, I was like, what did it say? No one was telling me. It was so weird. The social worker, the guy, he was not allowed to do this. He was not allowed to be the one to tell me, but he walked up to me without saying anything

and he had it written on a piece of paper, and he was, like, showing it to me. And I don't remember what it was, but it was high. It was, like, elevated. And I look at him, I'm like, I, that's high. Like, I need to go to an actual hospital. And he pretty much arranged for me to get transferred to a different hospital. It was, like, really because of him that even, like, got out.

But I got transferred to the children's hospital or I was convinced all of these families, like, or after me. So when I got admitted there, I was like convinced that they were all working there. And it was just like a really, really scary experience. And they immediately put me on medications. And after I got released, I was being seen at this place called the epicenter in Columbus. It's an early psychosis intervention program. And once I went home, it took like a few weeks for me to come down from all of it.

but they ended up diagnosing me with bipolar to effective disorder. So bipolar with psychotic elements. So I'm on antipsychotic mood stabilizer and anxiety medication, which is just pretty standard for someone with bipolar. And I'm assuming you can't really smoke weed? Yeah. Well, that's there's more with that. I think it can trigger it, right?

Yeah. Okay. It's just it doesn't mesh well with something. who has the predispositions and everything. Yeah, after putting me on medications, it really helped bring me back to reality. And it took a few weeks to come back down from all of it. And then ever since then, I monthly see a psychiatrist through the epicenter just to deal with med management and all of that. Like two months later, I got into another relationship with a narcissist.

So my mom says, she says, I really know how to pick them. That's what I was thinking. No, literally. It's so typical. It's okay. You got to get through some bad ones to realize. For sure. For sure.

Yeah, we started dating and it was very toxic, like, immediately. And it got to the point where we were, like, really close to breaking up. And now we're in January of 22. And I started getting this. weird discomfort in my stomach. It wasn't pain, but it was like just this weird feeling. So I go to the emergency room just because I'm, I'm like traumatized from my health stuff. So I was like, what is this? They tell me that it's ulcers. And they didn't do any tests, though. They just went off of my symptoms. And they just sent me home, basically. But I felt like

something was wrong. I went back another time. I don't remember what they said. It was. was the second time, but just brushed it off, told me to go home. I go back a third time, and they finally do actual tests and scans, and they find a mass on my ovary. And they're telling me that they suspect that I have cancer again, which I was terrified when I heard ovary because ovarian cancer is like a death sentence. And so they transferred me to a different hospital this time. It's called the James. It's like a really, really good cancer hospital in Columbus. They transferred me there and I'm like with my now ex, but he stayed with me while I was there. And they told me that I have cancer again, but it's not ovarian. It's the exact same cancer

I had before. Really? And what's weird about it is it wasn't a relapse. It was just like, because they did some tests with the cells, and it wasn't related to the first time at all. It was just like a completely new thing. And they tell me I have non-Hodgkins-Bergut's lymphoma again. And this time they're doing a six-round treatment. And what it looked like this time was I had chemo at home. I got a port again in my chest. I would go to the hospital on a Monday.

They would start my chemo and it would be in like this little backpack that I would carry with me. I'd go home, come back on Wednesday to get a new bag, go home, come back on the Friday to finish it out and then they would disconnect me. And I had, I think it was two weeks off,

if I remember correctly. And was it longer than three months this time? Yeah, it was from January to end of May, I think. Yeah, so I had six rounds of that. And that time around was like the worst that my health had ever done to my mental state. And like I said before, I think it's because like I was an adult now. And everything happened as a kid.

I was, I got out of the hospital the day before my 22nd birthday after I've been diagnosed. Right. So it wasn't as like resilient. Exactly. And my relationship was just really toxic. Like, when this all happened, I tried to break up with him because I just didn't want to put him through. We hadn't been like together that long. But he insisted that we stay together. But then he proceeded to consistently guilt-trip me for having stayed with me through all of it. So it's just a disaster. And it's a whole different game when you're an adult with cancer because all the things that they would put you to sleep for as a kid, like you have to be fully. awake for. So like all the spinal taps I was awake for like biopsies. And this is so gross. Like the way they did it was I had to like lay on my stomach and it's in my abdomen. It was like this huge mass in my abdomen. And they would stick a needle through my back into like this mass in my stomach. And I was like, why did they do it that way? But it was so weird to think about. And I, I forgot to mention this,

but I've had sleeping problems for a while. It started when I was 18, but my whole life I've had just really bad anxiety at nighttime, which I think is just relatable to everyone. It's just like something about it just changes, like, how you think about things. Like, it's just a scary time for me. So while I'm still getting treated for chemo,

while I'm still getting treated for cancer, I decide to get a med card because I wanted to start smoking again. And I was going to use it to help me sleep, which was true. But with my just addictive tendencies, I started to abuse it, like, very, very heavily. Like, I was going through, I was going through a half ounce, like, every, like, four days. which is just that is ungodly. It's like so much weed. So yeah, started smoking towards the end of my treatments.

And then I finished treatment, end of May. And my boyfriend and I, it only got worse after I finished treatment. We thought things would get better like once it was over, like between us, but it just got really, really bad.

At the tail end of our relationship, there was like this week where I missed my, my meds, like my psych meds somehow. And so my mental health just got weird. Like I was very erratic and emotional. Because I think I'd missed the antipsychotic. So that was just not good. And I ended up breaking up with him because we got in this fight one day where he told me that no one loves me and no one else is ever going to love me because I'm too mentally ill and that my family doesn't love me because I'm so mentally ill.

And so I broke up with him. I was like, okay, like, that's insane to say to someone. And we were still seeing each other for like two months, even after we broke up. But I was like realizing all this sort of like narcissistic, like abuse that had gone on. And yet again was really on a decline mentally. Like I wasn't eating anymore. I was like isolated from everyone because all I ever wanted to do was smoke. I was just on a really, really dark path.

And I got to the point where I was starting to have like some psychotic, like symptoms again. But since I was so heavily medicated, it didn't get to that level at all. But just it was just really, really bad. Like thinking about all the stuff he did to me, it was driving me insane. and there was one day where I had therapy that day and I had smoked before and I felt just like really weird like it was just this weird like everything looked like surreal and it just felt like familiar from the episode that it happened and I told myself I was like okay I have to go to the dispensary again today because I was out of weed I told myself I'm either

stopping cold turkey today, or I'm going to be giving my weed to my parents to hold on to, so I only use it to help me sleep. And I kind of knew which option I should do. So I quit cold turkey that day. They went to my therapist saying, like, I need more help. Like, I'm really doing badly. So she recommended a Ph.P. IOP program, which is partial hospitalization and intensive outpatient. She recommended it to me.

And I did that program for the whole month of January of 23. And it was very grueling. It's like a lot. It's for the first week you're there from like eight to four. And it's just like therapy and like group therapy like all day. And we have lessons on certain things, learning certain skills. And then the three weeks after that were like eight to noon. And during that time, did you feel like you brought up a lot of the things that you had been through with all the diagnosis?

The way it worked was like it was a group therapy model, so we didn't meet one-on-one with anyone. So I only ever really got to speak about myself in the group like three times. But I kind of, looking back on it, I like that it was that way just because I just, this. This sounds terrible, but people usually like chime in. Other people in the group will chime in to when you're talking and everything people would say was just very like, it wasn't anything, any advice I hadn't heard before. It was just like, I know. Like, I just need to get this out.

So I just didn't really like talking about myself during that time. But I really enjoyed giving advice to other people. And I met like the most amazing people in that program. And it was truly just very pivotal. Like it kind of changed like the trajectory of my life almost. It was a really, really hard process because I was sober now trying to deal with just pain. But yeah, when I was discharged, people in the room will go around and just say goodbye to you and say something about you the day you are supposed to leave. and just everyone said like the most sweet things.

It was just so emotional. We were all just like crying. It was just so like healing. And yeah, after that I like started a new job. And yeah, the whole year of like 2023 was just so transformative for me. It was really, really great how it all like worked out. I think it takes a while too to get back on track. after so many things like that happened.

And you had physical and mental things. So it's like it's not just one thing happens and you get over the hump and you keep it pushing. It's like every time you got over the hump, another thing came up. So I feel like it takes a while to kind of digest all of that and heal from it and then be able to kind of like figure out, okay, these are the things that I kind of need to balance out and, you know, become stable with. And then I can kind of get on a normal track with things.

It's hard to, you can't just like go about living. your everyday life when there's so many other serious things that have happened. Exactly. For sure. And yeah, that was just like such a good year after 22. That was 22 was just so bad. Like it was so horrible. But I was like dangerously thin when like I was in the program.

And I just like was so. scared of being forced into like eating disorder treatment so I like was forcing myself to eat and I don't know I'm just like I'm really proud of myself for that whole thing because I like really pulled myself out of like a horrible situation yeah and you have to want it bad enough for yourself yeah for sure and I'm just very proud that I had like the drive to just push through all of it and I ended up dropping out of nursing school because I didn't want to do it. And I applied to University of Cincinnati. That's where I go now.

And I'm studying forensic psychology. And I'm very excited about it. It's, I think it fits me more. Yeah. Especially after my program and like being able to relate to people and like give advice that they found to be helpful. I really just I'm excited to go into that. I think it's more fitting. But yeah, that's just pretty much where I'm at now.

I'm very happy, very stable. I just passed like a year or so we're from weed in like this past December. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. I think that like I said a lot, when all these things happen, I think it is really important in our own time to talk. to somebody, whether it's just like, because I know how you mentioned that you've heard the same

advice before and it's like, I know. And sometimes it's not even about getting advice, but just getting it out. Yeah. Because something that I've realized is, you know, we can talk to our friends and, but I don't think anybody really is meant to know how to listen like a therapist does and that might sound cheesy. But because I didn't really have much luck with therapists for a while. But now I finally found a good one. Yeah. And just talking to her feels like the biggest weight off my shoulders. Yeah.

And I don't think we're ever, I always say this on this show, but I don't think we're ever completely 100% healed from things. But I think that we can learn to work through them and kind of accept them more and be like, yes, this happened. I went through this. And this is how I'm dealing with it to move forward in a healthier way mentally. Because I think if we just bottle things up, it takes a toll. And then they come back out.

as we know, like years or months down the road and we're like, wait, I didn't deal with that and I'm still struggling with it. Right. So I think it's really important that whatever works for, you know, different people and different methods, it's important to do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Even just preparing for being on your show and I would practice like just telling everything and it would just like make me cry to talk about it, especially all the health problems. Like it's not something I've ever processed. And it was just, it sounds so stupid, but I was just like shocked. I was like, why does this bother me? Like it never has. Yeah. Yeah.

You're past it now, but it's almost like you're probably sad thinking about how young you were. And it's almost like if you were to hear someone else going through this that you cared about, it's heartbreaking. Yeah. So to read it back and hear it out loud and know, well, like, damn, this happened to me. Like, it's sad. Yeah. And you're allowed to cry about it as many times as you want. and I think that it's really healthy that you do

because I think that what most people do is when they're faced with something traumatic is their response a lot of times is like, okay, ignore it and just get through it because that's what's easier. It's not easy to break down and let it all in. Yeah. So I think it's important that you really understand it

and feel those emotions now because you didn't really get a chance to feel them before. Yeah. And I had always been convinced that it was like situational issues. So I always knew that it would come to an end at some point, but that came back and like bit me in the ass because then it wasn't like that anymore.

It was to the point where I couldn't handle any sort of like negative, like era of my life. I'm still trying to find like a good therapist because I've never really had like a good one. It's hard. Yeah. But don't give up. Keep trying.

I know. It's just. It's annoying. It's so annoying. It's repetitive. Yeah. But I definitely need to find one. Just I think it's important to seek that out even like if you're doing okay.

Because I've been doing well for a while now. But like I said, like this was bringing up so much. And I was like, shit. Like I really need to like, I want to find like a medical trauma like specialist. Like type therapist. I think something that people don't realize is you can be doing really well in life. financially, physically, that doesn't mean that you're totally fine mentally. Right.

You know, like there's things that come up in therapy for me that I didn't even know. Yeah. So bother me. And they just like naturally come up, which is so important because it's things from years ago that I haven't even thought of. So I think that like you said, whether you're okay or not okay, everybody should be talking to somebody because there's always something that probably has happened in our lives that we haven't really sorted through.

For sure, for sure. Especially if you're raised in any sort of like dysfunction and you don't know it's dysfunction. Right. You think it's normal? I can't believe I fit that all in the amount of time. I think you did great. Thank you. You did really, really well.

And I always, you know, the thing is too is there's, I think it's good because you touched on like mental stuff, physical stuff. And whether somebody has dealt with physical or mental or both, it's like they can really relate to everything that you said. And even the religious aspect. There's a lot of people that have had very negative experiences with religion. And it's unfortunate because not everybody or not all religions are bad. But for some reason, there's a lot of groups that just take the darkest parts of it. And I don't know why. I know.

It's just like the modern day religion. It's bizarre. Yeah. And I think it's too, right now it's so easy in today's society to kind of like convince people to join any type of anything. Right. So people just take advantage of what is already around. Yeah. But no, I think you did such a good job explaining everything.

Thank you. There's definitely a lot of different parts of your story. And you've been through a shit ton. So if you ever have days that you just feel like, fuck, like, you know what I mean? Like, it's fine because you've been through a lot. Thank you. And you deserve to have days. Kids, don't start.

Don't start. You deserve to have days that you just, if you want to be in bed all day and cry and be miserable, everybody can have those days. But then you should also have the days where you're like, okay, like I need to get the fuck up and I need to work with myself. Because none of us are ever going to reach our goals and reach where we need to be unless we work for it. Right.

And I feel like you've already had so many moments where, I mean, you clearly have it in you. Like you've worked through and gotten through so much hard and very serious shit. So you have it. But it's normal if some days you don't feel like pushing through anymore. But just make sure you balance those out with the days that you work, you know? With, like, coming on here, I just wanted to, like, just put more emphasis on just the program I did. And, like, just I want to, like, encourage people to take care of themselves.

And if they have the means to, like, do a program or get more help, like, it really changed everything for me. And I still think... I think it's an important resource. Yeah, and I still think it's still okay for people who are on their journeys and aren't ready to come to that place. That's okay too. But I think people just push themselves to the side and don't think they deserve to like take a chunk of time for themselves. But it can make such a big impact. And something I've learned is like it's so helpful for me to have like support.

Like that sounds so obvious. But I think with mental illness, people want to hide it and they want to keep it to themselves. but like you start talking to people and like let people be there for you it's so healing and it helps so much but that was like just what I really wanted to say is like people out there just deserve to be cared for and to feel okay um and that getting through things sucks but it's definitely possible yeah you can do it yeah but no you did you did so good and thank you so much for wanting to come on and share your story. Seriously, I can't thank you enough. You did amazing. You should be proud of yourself. Thank you for having me. Of course. This is like a dream.

Oh my God, you're so cute.