We're All Insane - I Took My Own Life

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

Bri describes her experience of deciding to take her own life and the aftermath that followed. If you or someone you know is struggling emotionally or having a hard time, you can be the difference in getting them the help they need. It’s important to take care of yourself and/or others when you are supporting someone through a difficult time, as this may stir up difficult emotions. If it does, please reach out for support yourself. Help is available. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Trevor lifeline, 866-488-7386. Trevorchat on their website and you can also text "START" to 678-678 via Trevortext. Bri's IG: hotgoatyoga Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. I'm Bree. I killed myself and was brought back to life. so a lot about it um it kind of like started out like when i was a child like i didn't have the easiest upbringing um and so i i kind of built this um wall since i was very young because something like very traumatic happened to me and it brought me to a state of like kind of disassociated for like most of my childhood and like the only things I remember are the bad things because

like they stick out so bad. Yeah. So like a lot of like problems with like my father. And you know I grew up like around alcoholics and addicts that like as a kid you don't know that they're drug addicts because you're like I'm seven. I don't know what that means. and so I had this best friend named Molly

and I'm not going to say the name of her sister but we were all best friends and like the best way I would describe Molly is like half of my heart that's how I always described her and something happened and I ended up like losing Molly not death

but like she got taken away from me and I didn't get to say goodbye. So from then on, like that happened when I was 11. So from then on, it was just fucking downhill, babes. And so like then after that, you know, I went downhill and I went into sixth grade. So I was like turning 12. And I have like severe anxiety. so I ended up like having anxiety attacks constantly being at school and I ended up attempting suicide at 12 years old because I was like I'm so young I didn't know like how to fix it I didn't know what to do I was just like I'm sad it's crazy to me though always to hear like that kids at that

young of an age make that kind of decision because that's such a horrible huge thing and it's like it's so sad and heartbreaking that a child that young would you know have those thoughts that was me yeah there she is um no it is it is scary like now me being 23 and like you know it's over a decade and when i was 22 is when i killed myself so like a decade later like hey it's still going on right um And so I ended up also in sixth grade, I learned about self-harm. Like, I don't want to trigger anybody, but. It's okay. I had a whole episode on it.

Okay, Slay. So I would cut myself a lot. And I actually, like, learned about it because, like, Tumblr was Slay back then. But I had a friend who did it. And I was like, she was like explaining to me and be like, well, it can release the pain. And like, you know, you can feel calm again, which I wasn't feeling because I had so much anxiety. And so I was like, oh, period. And she showed me, she actually got, like did it for me, got a blade out of like a razor to shave your legs.

And it was like, here. I was like. And then the next day at school, she was like, how was it? she was like how did it feel and I was like always like this is kind of weird is it not like talking about it I don't know um and then I got addicted I got addicted did it feel like it relieved that pain for you oh yeah I was like obsessed with the feeling and the blood like obsessed it was really really bad so that's when like i attempted suicide and how i did was um i ended up i wrote it down um yeah so i ended up stealing my grandma cago her meds from my mom's room um and she was at work so nobody knew

but they were like really strong meds because like she was an old lady and I took four because I was like I don't know anything about suicide I just know I don't want to feel this pain anymore so you went into taking those pills like hoping that it would kill you yes okay yep and then quick question before you continue so I know you said to your upbringing wasn't the best yeah so did you have any relationship like with your mom or dad or not really like do you think they any ideas of like how you were feeling at all um you know my father he was drinking a lot and this is when my mom was drinking as well but she wasn't as bad as gregg and how he still is that's what i call him um but i did have relationship like they aren't divorced or anything and like you know

we lived like a good life it's just there was so much trauma that like nobody really knew about and um I didn't also know what it meant the thing that Molly's sister did to me when I was five and she was seven. I didn't really know what it meant, but I think we can all guess what I'm talking about. Yeah. And so I never brought it up, but I was like, wait, I like kissing girls. And so like we continue to do stuff until I was 11. And that's when I found out, oh, shit, that was that. And so I told my mom, and she, like, promised me she wouldn't tell their parents.

And so, like, after an hour of talk, I go back inside because we were in her car. And then she comes back in, like, two hours. It is, like, you can't talk to Molly anymore. I was like, huh? So you basically lost your best friend because of something that her sister was doing to you? Okay. Yeah. And like I said, that's what broke me. And it was also hard because she promised me. And Greg grew up promising me things and would never keep them. So like, that's when I kind of,

that's when I snapped. And I also stopped believing in God. We, you know, grew up going to church and Christian. No judgment, but like, ugh. And so that was kind of like shoved down my throat. that was a really difficult thing, like being so separated from my grandma, Kago, and Greg, you know, because me and my mom were more spiritual and like, whatever we go to church, I just played on my Nintendo DS because I was like, what the fuck is this shit? Like, I'm bored. Like, so that was another way to, like, us being distant. And then, um...

No, you're fine. I was just asking, um, if you thought that your parents knew. like what you were going there like mentally. If that helps at all to get you back on track. Yeah, no, thanks man. No, I don't think so. No, I didn't know what it was

so I wasn't really talking about it. Yeah. You just knew that you felt super sad. Oh yeah. It was like down bad. So after the attempt when Insects grade, I ended up having to leave school because the anxiety was so high

And then after being spent in a week in a psych ward, which was awful, everyone was like, oh, where have you been? Why haven't you been here? Oh, I heard that you, like, tried to kill yourself and you, like, cut your wrist and stuff. I was like, I'm just here to do math. Like, I don't know. It started getting to the point where I was just like, I can't do this. And luckily enough, my parents had money for me to do online school.

Yeah. So I started doing that. And it was good for a while. I did 7th and 8th grade. And then, like going into 9th, like high school, I finished all of my high school stuff in a little over a year. So I graduated high school a month after I turned 16. So that process was really helpful for me.

But it started getting to, me like being home all the time alone because my parents would go to work. I don't have any siblings. And so I started to kind of lose myself a little bit. And I started like noticing things that would make me feel something that like it's not really normal to feel as in starvation and smoking weed. And that's how I formed an eating disorder. And from then on, because like I had completely given up God. I was just like, you're not helping me.

Like I was out in the rain scream crying, being like, if you're fucking real, help me, because bitch, I'm not okay. And like nothing happened. I was just like, then why do I keep trying to talk to you if you're not? gonna help like you haven't so far like look at my life i'm 12 and i just like attempted suicide you bitch so yeah so at this point starvation and started to smoke a lot of weed around 14 i think and it was all shits and gigs like it was fun for a while um it was fun until i got to 15 I was just straight chilling.

And I started hanging out with, like, the underground scene at Nashville. So, like, I knew everyone, so it would all be, like, punk shows and shit. So anyways, back to, like, eating disorder. So, yeah, I started hanging out around those people and being so young. I was like, oh, there's more weed. And then there's more weed. And then there's cigarettes. And then there's...

A lot of other things. So, God, I'm getting ahead of myself. This is what my brain does. You're fine. If you want to backtrack, backtrack. Do whatever you need. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

So back to like, this was around when I was, I was either 13 or 14. I really can't remember. It was such a blur. Was my second suicide attempt? And was that with the pills? This one was with 20 Tylenols. Got it. And it was because, again, not really knowing Jack's shit, because I'm a fucking child,

I read online, so stupid, read online that that amount could kill a 110-pound young girl. And I was like, period, bitch. And so, yeah, I did it, and it was really traumatic because I was treating my friend like shit and telling them, like, each time I took a med, it was really bad. and so that one I ended up getting found and I was so upset I was like I was so close

I felt so close to just being like bye I feel like I'm dying maybe because I was but so I ended up having to you know the the ER people come and the ambulance and shit and turns out

the guy that comes to the front door to like bring me out on the stretcher and shit um the first thing he says to like his workers and like right in front of me was um uh he was like oh don't worry i know this girl like she's done it before she'll be fine i said oh so i should have taken 25 pills because that just made me want to fucking kill myself even worse bitch who says that yeah like oh my god it's so fucked up And he was like, hey, nice to see you again. I was like... So what?

He had just come to your house before for like a previous attempt. For the first one, yeah. Yep. And so like, it was just an asshole. Well, it's also just very unprofessional. Yes. Yeah. Like, girl, grow up.

And clearly you're somebody, your child that needs help. Yeah, I did it for a reason. I wasn't just having fun, you know? Yeah. So when I got to the ER, um, driving in the, back of an ambulance is awful. That like circle window on the back and just like seeing you drive away from your house. So I got to the ER and I had to have like police pigs. Sorry. I had to have police

sitting in front of my door in the bathroom, which was right next to it because I had to fucking drink charcoal, like so much of it because my stomach was like, because I had taken so many. So that they were trying to get you to throw up? They were like pretty much emptying my stomach. Instead of like a stomach pump, it's like an easier way to do that. Like a cleanse. So I did drink a bunch of that and I had to like go to the bathroom. I was like liquid shitting and vomiting black.

Like that was it for like, I don't even know how long. It was at least an hour and a half. And it was so awkward because the cops were sitting right out front of the bathroom. And I was like, hey, I'm back. I have to shit my guts out. Give me a sex. So embarrassing. Yeah.

It just made me feel like, what the fuck am I doing? And not in a way of like, why did I do it? It's in the way of like, why didn't I do more? Because like, what the fuck am I doing? I just attempted suicide. And now I'm having to walk in front of cops to shit. black. Yeah.

You know? So after like an hour and a half of that, um, I had to go to the psych word again. And I had to literally sit in the back seat of a cop car for four hours to go to this like word. Reminder, I'm trying to, I'm whole, I'm grasping my asshole so I don't liquid vomit.

shit everywhere. And I'm like four hours. Bitch, I'm tired. Like, I just took 20 Tylenol. You know what that would have, that does to a 13 year old? Like, what the fuck? So at this point, we get there and it was really fucking weird because as soon as I, as soon as I walked into this space,

I'm walking into the room to do like the full on body, like ass naked. Bitches look, like they're looking at my cootty hole. Like, it was really uncomfortable, but as I was walking in there, like, it was in a little room that everyone hangs out in. And everyone was, like, looking at me like they had just seen a ghost. Like, they were like, And I was like, I'm so severely uncomfortable and scared. Like, I don't have my parents.

I don't have my cat. And now I'm just here, four hours away. Like, there's no escape. And they, pretty much everyone was being like, they were like, you're so pretty. Why are you here? And I was like, well, I don't have suicide. And I've cuts all over my body.

And so it was very, like, dehumanizing walking in there. Because, like, I had long pastel pink hair and, like, really pale skin. And very tumbler-esque. And so everyone was just like, dude, you're gorgeous. Like, what are you doing in a place like this? Like, why did you do what you do? You're so pretty. I was like, bitch, I don't know.

Like, that doesn't matter to me when I'm taking 20 Tylenols down in 10 minutes, bitch. Like, you think I'm thinking about my fucking long hair? No. Like, I'm thinking about death. So, I'm in there, and, like, after I get my fucking cooter checked out, it's like, they were doing this, like, circle meeting in that room. And I was like, oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

My anxiety was like, mm-mm, I don't want to talk. I don't. I hate public speaking. Hate it. Biggest fear. and so they were like no no no come on tell us like tell us why you're here tell us this and that I was like I don't know and I ended up having to and I was like I'm Brie turned to suicide and I do self-farm and people were still even the guys were like I was just like come on

like grow up also it has nothing to do with what you look like you know what I mean it all has to do with what's going on mentally yeah and I think that isn't something that people really realized. Yeah, take into consideration pretty much. So I'm there for, I'm there for like eight days, I think, and most of the girls had crushers on me, and I was just like severely depressed. And I'm vegan, and I was then too. So I was living off of like crackers and apple slices. And, um, Yeah, so they didn't let me call my parents until three days in. So I was just there alone. And that wasn't the first cycle that you went to.

This was the second. The first one was worse. But it wasn't the same place. Okay. No. Why did they want to send you so far away? Fuck if I know. That's crazy.

I think it was because I, oh, honestly, I don't know. But no, I don't really know why. But I was just like, I don't really have any control. So I'm just going to do what they tell. tell me to do and just wait till it's over and so yeah i couldn't call my parents until three days in insanely uncomfortable just like out of body pretty much um and then i finally got to call them and my fucking psychiatrist there the therapist ass he was an asshole he was telling me to get rid of all my good friends because they're toxic i said huh they tell me that they love me and want me to stay alive

that's so toxic babes you're so right and when i finally did my parents were like crying on the phone and they were like let me talk to like the therapist or whatever and my mom went at it she was like listen here motherfucker brie's grandma is dying cogo she was on her deathbed and i think that was just really adding to it as well because it was so much and I was seeing my mom in pain like so much pain and that is one of my biggest regrets is making her go through that you know not only dealing with her mom dying but her child trying to die you know that's a lot um so she was like we don't know how long cargo has like Brianna needs to get out you I just have my real name gross that's so gross um but yeah she was like brianna needs to get out because we don't know when she's

going to pass and they were like mm-mm can't do that like the minimum is five days and she was like fine and i would only get one color day from then on and no visitors at this one don't know why and um i met a lot of people in there there was a a little girl who tried to burn her house down with her parents in it. I said, oh, hey. How was she? I think she was 11. Jeez.

Mm-hmm. And it's like, no judgment, girl. You've probably been through some shit and you probably, like, really need some help. And she, like, had tamper's temper tantrums all the time and, like, to the point where they would have to throw her in a padded room and she would be, like, screaming and shit. Like, she was throwing chairs.

And I was like, do I belong in here? Because like, I just took 20, Thailand dollars. I'm not trying to murder people. I don't know. Yeah. So I finally were you in there for? Eight days. Okay.

Mm-hmm. And I finally was able to leave. And my parents, like, had my favorite soup. It was egg drop soup. They had it in the car, and they were playing my favorite music. And I just couldn't believe, like, when they said discharge, I was so, like, of my body that was just like there's no way like this is a dream and I'm gonna wake up and I'm gonna be stuck here another day you know but it was real and then we had to drive back four hours

and I don't remember the drive my I completely had blacked out officially um and so then yes I like I said got into weed and hanging out more and then realizing oh my god like weed i'm i'm like not feeling the high as much anymore like you know jeeps gravity bonds like normally you have like a two liter of like soda or whatever you cut it and you put water in it and then you have like a water bottle the bottom is cut and so you in the lid you put like a bowl pack your weed in it and push it under water and then while you're lighting it you pull up and it's just a bunch of smoke like the biggest hit you can do it got so bad that i was doing um a gallon in a giant home depot bucket and i would have to do at least two of those and maybe a blunt

as well just to go out in public so it was like because it would help your anxiety yeah and it was great because gregg was my dealer so like i was getting an ounce a month sometimes too because i was like smoking so much. And that's when I found out about the fun, the fun stuff that I became a severe addict to Xanax bars. Hey. Yeah, that was, that was super fun. I was like, I remember taking my first one and being like, holy fuck, my anxiety completely

gone, non-existent. Like, I was good, you know? And, like, starting out, it was very chill. I was like, okay, I can hang out with somebody and not have an anxiety attack. And then I was like, wonder what would happen if I took two? And then, like, you're at a party. And there's, like, heavy metal music playing, and someone offers you another one. Three don't know. Three of one hurt.

Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or. cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early at free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. And what was the difference like with the feeling between one and three? Um, you're just not there. Okay. So one, when you were taking one, it just kind of helped your anxiety, but you were still being. basically functioning.

Yeah, I was. And then with three, it's like... You pretty much black out. Okay. And it's a huge medication to... Like, you get memory loss like crazy. So I don't remember a lot of my teenage years. Because after a while, it started getting up to six a day.

And, you know, that caused a lot of problems. I would go to shows and, like, be the one to start the mosh. because like I don't really feel anything and I sprained both my ankles twice because of it but I didn't feel anything unless like I was having the come down and I don't have another bar. And it was really, really, really difficult. I had a seizure and because I had decided to take, I was already high off two the night before and I woke up and took three and went out to smoke a cigarette with a little bit of weed on top. And I don't remember it. My mom told me. I had a seizure so bad that I fell out of the couch I was sitting on and hit my head on the

concrete. So apparently, I had to go to the ER and I got a concussion. This was when I was 16. and I remember for 10 days I couldn't take Xanax and the sad thing is that I had been taking so much for so long at this point that the high never really fully went away yeah because you know 10 days like I just took like within the last three days probably like 15 20 so you know and then I remember remember as soon as day 10 was done right back to it. I remember as soon as I got it, I was like, oh. Yeah. Did you feel any withdraws without having it or no? Just some anxiety. Okay.

But like, no, not like shaking or any shit like that. Thank God. Oh my God. It was really, really fucking difficult. I'm not going to lie to you. You would think after getting a fucking huge concussion at the age 16 because you're addicted of drugs would be like, okay, time to stop.

It just got worse. It just got way worse. And it got up to taking like eight to ten a day. So I don't remember pretty much at all being 17, like at all. I remember moments, and a lot of those are from film. But I kind of just lost the age of 17. myself, which like, I don't know is a good or bad thing, but it's also like I try not to dwell on it because I can't change the past, you know? So that also started, you know, because I was like,

okay, I can't afford more, even though I'm getting the amount I'm getting, like, that's fine, because my dealer was in love with me, so I could like get them whenever I wanted to. And that's when heavy alcohol and cocaine got into the picture. Because I just was hanging out the wrong people, dude. And my parents always said it was okay because they were like so toxic, but love them. Just being like, well, it's good to get all of this, like, partying and all these addictions out when you're a teen, so you don't have to deal with them when you're older and have to be an adult, which, like, I agree to an extent, but at the same time, I lost my fucking teenage years.

Like, you know, most of them were spent disassociated from suicide attempts, and then the next was drug addict. So, like, you know. So then the drinking and the cocaine started getting the picture, and I was severely anorexic. because like I said, Xanax makes you forget things and I would forget to eat. So I was at, I think at 16, like close to being 17, I think, maybe 17. I think, maybe 17.

I literally forgot to eat and I was 83 pounds, 5-7, 83 pounds. like skin and bones but I didn't see that because I would wake up and forget what I look like you know but it was fine because I knew I was I have a party tonight my friends coming over and we're going to do some lines and drink a bottle of vodka you know so it wasn't like a huge thing even though I loved it because eating disorder so it just started getting to the point where I had completely lost myself completely. I didn't know who I was, but I didn't care, you know? And then after two years of being addicted to Xanax bars,

I was like, dude, I need to quit. And the main reason why I thought that was because my best friend at the time, we had a big group of friends. and I kind of just lost all of them, including my best friend, because they were tired of seeing me, like, always high, which I understand, but it was at the time where I was trying to quit. And so they left, you know, and I don't hate them now anymore, like I'm over it. But I did for a while, because I was like, so now I have to do this on my own.

I'm 17 and I have to quit a severe drug addict addiction. on my own, which I did. It took a couple months, but then in, like, early 2008, well, like, getting, no, it was like summer 2018. I had quit. Everything. Yeah. At that time, it was just, like, I was still drinking.

Okay. Because getting off Xanax, I still need to feel something high. Like, I'm an addict. So the drinking was pretty intense. and I wasn't doing cocaine like all night all day anymore so I've been sober from Xanax for over five years now good job and yeah everything was fine

for a little bit I did get into a really toxic relationship though I was in love and it really started to fuck me up a bit because we're really toxic and it started getting to my head where my eating disorder was getting bad again and smoking insane amounts of cigarettes and like taking shots of like those many shots of fireball at least six while I'm driving an hour to his house and it was rough because I was like well I need to be addicted to something I need to feel something if I'm not going to feel that high anymore

They need something. Yeah. I have an addictive personality. It's just fun stuff. So then, yeah, that went on. Early 2019, we broke it off for a little bit, and that's when I got back into cocaine heavy. Cocaine just drinking every night and every day.

We were either at night at our dealer's house or partying. and at this time my best friend that I mentioned before had come back because I was like I'm clean and they were like oh my god it's lay so that was really nice but we just got back into it severe eating disorder every time we would get hungry we would do a line and if we did eat we instantly go smoke a cigarette so we shit it out like instantly and I was addicted to working out so I was like fit I was fit

but I was way too skinny and um back into cocaine heavy drinking poppers was like a huge thing back then so fucking lame and what is that? Um it's like an inhalate

it's kind of it's like nail polish removal honestly but it's it's not it's like poppers it's just an inhalant that you sniff really hard and then you like for two minutes you just feel completely and hot. And then it goes away? Yeah, it's a very temporary thing.

But it felt great when you were dancing and moshing, you know? So that went on all of 2019. And then in 2020, my ex, the toxic one, called me back. And it was like, I need help. Come here. He had completely lost his mind, shaved his head, like bald. And we ended up just falling right back into it like we did before. It were toxic.

We were together again for a while. He started to really, like, lose it. Like, really lose it. And it was hard to watch. But, like, and I was starting to, I stopped doing cocaine. So I started drinking wine heavily and just eating like shit. depressed. I would stay in my room in the dark and watch Bates Motel for the second time. Like, great show, by the way. Yeah, I love that. I was like, I'm going to sit down and watch it

constantly no matter what. I would always have my big mason jar of white wine, a mason jar of vegan chocolate milk, and like a fucking vegan wopper from Burger King every night. I was just like disgusted in myself I was I was so depressed because I had gained um 35 to 40 pounds within a couple months or maybe like a year

something like that and I was just like fuck I feel like shit you know every time I would go to therapy I was wearing this giant oversized black hoodie even when it was 109 degrees outside I was like I don't want anyone to see my body But my cheeks, miss girl, you could see it in my cheeks.

Like they were like, I'm not even like exaggerating. Because there's so much fucking sugar and wine and that's why I don't touch it no more. So that's what you get from being severely addicted to box wine, like finishing a box in a day and a half. Wow. So like, girl, we were spending thousands because like I was under 21. So my parents were buying it. And it's fine now, guys. It's fine now.

Everything's fine. Don't report us. I'm 23 now. we're fine. So went through that. It's really depressed. Obviously bad things here and there. And then in 2021 I got COVID and was bedridden for months. And I ended up losing, sorry, my earrings was like banging. I ended up losing 35 pounds. And I was, I looked like I was dying. Like my hair was turning gray, like literally gray. And my cheeks were like completely like like indented.

I looked like I was dying. The like brown circles under my eyes was crazy. And so I lost all the weight. And that's from having COVID. Yeah, because I couldn't eat. If I did, I would throw it up on an accident. Like I wasn't doing it on purpose, you know? And so then I like got my confidence back.

I was like, I'm over it. Like even though I did get heart problems from it, I'm like skinny. That's where my brain was at. And I was like, oh my God, I'm finally skinny again. Like I'm hot. Like, because that toxic mindset, when you're skinny, you're hot. You know, just toxic.

And so I started getting back into partying in 2022. Drinking severely. I mean, I was still drinking before, but like it got worse again. and I was going to raves because like I didn't have any more punk friends. They'd all left. That's what I grew up going to, like punk shows. And so I was like, well, this is something to do. I found new people.

Like, I just want to party. I started getting back into cocaine. So like you do three lines and you go dance in a rave with like flashing lights and doing poppers. Like, how fun at 21, you know? So then I kind of, well, then I went back to some punk shows and I broke my leg. Hey? Thank God I was blackout drunk because they would have said like that shit hurt him. Like when I broke it.

So I have to get that fixed. And then I was bedridden for four months. And during this time, like I, oh my God. completely skip past the part where I killed myself. Probably like the reason that I'm here. I was going to say when you said 2022, I'm like, wait, when did this happen? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I did kill myself then.

Right, right, right. So yeah, summer was all this party. Okay. And this is still after when you had COVID. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it was last summer. And I, you know, like I said, I started hanging out with.

people that were great. I still am friends with them, obviously. They're great. But we were having a night of drinking. And, you know, my friend, she was there and she doesn't do any type of that shit because she's fucking smart and a grown bitch. But my other friend there, you know, is really into drugs. and so we were just drinking a lot sadly it was white claws yes i am embarrassed to admit that because so they were there for a little bit and then they left around i think like six or seven a.m because we'd been parting all night and so i was like really drunk and but i was like there mentally. And I remember just like

feeling everything that I've felt in sadly in my childhood and in my teen years all at once. Something happened, like something switched. And it was just like, oh fuck.

Like I'm just trying to cover up my pain with these fucking white claws. Like I, that's why I was partying so much doing drugs. It's an easy fix, temporary fix. but it's easy. I just thought, why don't I just do it now? Why don't I just do it right now?

So I was like, I don't want to be here. What's stopping me, you know? And it was a really quick thought, and I remember, I just was like, fuck it. Fuck it, maybe like a five-minute thought. And so what I did was again, sorry, mom, even though you know this now, again, snuck into her room while she was sleeping. And I took, fuck, I don't even think I remembered it was. I think it was hydrocodone, I think.

Or maybe, no, it was tracodone, I think, which I now have to take for insomnia. But I'm pretty sure it was that. And I remember like tiptoeing and getting back to my room. And the sunlight was out and I had the pill bottle. And I just remember pouring a bunch into my hand. They were really small, circular blue pills. And I was just looking at a handful, like a mountain in my hands. And just being like, just looking at it and being like, holy shit.

Like what I'm holding in my hand right now is going to kill me. And I was just like, fuck it. I've tried so many times and I'm still in sad. I'm still in pain. Like nothing has gotten better. It's just gotten worse downhill, like snowball effect. And I smiled and I downed the whole bottle. There was 60 in there.

And I was chasing it with alcohol. And I remember after I took them instantly started getting drowsy, but I was so, so excited. Like, I was so fucking excited. I was like, I'm going to get, I'm going to go away. Like, I'm going to be resting, like, get a break. I never get a break. My life is fucking hard. Like, it's never been easy, ever.

So I was just so excited. That's the main thing I was feeling. give me a sec I was just so excited and I remember trying to write notes

which was really weird because I had written over a hundred suicide notes since I was literally like 10 maybe 11 so it was weird that I didn't just take all of those out because it was like all of my thoughts for 10 years

you know because I was 21 at this point and I remember trying to write and my hand was just all over the place I was like okay I'm starting to lose feeling in my hand and I was like fuck yes like finally

and I wrote and I don't remember exactly what I said but I remember in the one for Greg I called him dad don't do that haven't done that since I was a kid. So I was like, I really hope this doesn't just eat him alive. But like, love you, dad.

Sorry. And I was just fucking out of my mind. And I put a couple pieces of my favorite art on the bed. Like, this was all spread out. And, like, a photo of me and my mom. I don't know why. Maybe it was, like, my own memorial to myself or something, you know? I don't know.

But it just felt right in the moment. but I also was like losing my mind because I'm fucking high off pills and drunk. So that was at 8 a.m. when I did that. And I was just laying in bed and apparently I looked like I was sleeping because my parents woke up, at least this is what they told me. And a couple hours later and they looked in my room to make sure I was good and they thought I was just sleeping. And so they left the house and didn't come back until 2 p.m.

I only know this because she's told me. Bitch, I was not there mentally, obviously. And I had been somehow completely ass naked, laying on my bed on top of all the notes, curled up in like the fetal position. And my mom is like, are you good? and she said I was extremely slurring my words, like wasn't making sense, and she just thought I was, like, drunk again.

And that's at 2 p.m? Yes. She just thought I was wasted again. So she was like, just try and get some sleep, baby. And I was like, uh-uh. And then she started to walk back and she hit the pill bottle on the ground. She was like,

fuck no. Are you kidding me? And she instantly called 911, and they got here. she said in four minutes. And apparently at that moment, she said I was like crying. And then I just died. I just died crying.

And I don't remember anything, but what I do know from what I learned from the nurses. And my parents was they brought me into the ambulance. on a stretcher obviously bitch i'm like no let me walk i'm good um and they were like telling my parents like go down to the end of the street you don't want to see this trust me and um they had to do the defibrillator on me um i was 100% dead i was just gone and oh i was so fucking excited i miss it i'm not going to lie to y'all. I miss it. But yeah, so they did the defibrillator. I don't know if that brought me back or not.

But the next thing I know, like the last thing I remember is laying on that bed, smiling while I feel myself fading away. And I was fucking listening to Wildflower, Wildfire, something like that, by Lana Dover. can never listen to that song again. And I was just smiling. I was like, I feel me fading away. So that's all I remember. Then I remember waking up in the ICU later on.

And I legitimately thought I was in hell because, one, where the fuck am I? It looks like a hospital and I don't like hospitals. and so my first thing was to say mom because i was like where am i was like so i tried to say mom and it was like and that's when i knew oh my god i'm in hell because nothing was coming out there's no voice nothing i was like what the fuck like i didn't want to go to hell this fucking sucks um and then i roll over and i see mom and it's like the epitome like in the movies when someone's like opening their eyes and it's all blurry at first you know it was that because like just came back to life turns out i had been on life support for pretty much all day

um in the i see you and the reason why no voice came out was because they had that giant tube down my throat um which you just can't do anything they were doing that because i wasn't breathing on my own obviously my heart had completely stopped so they I remember they had to tell me they cannot get this tube out of my throat until I can learn how to breathe again

like on my own which forgot just not a thing especially when there's a fucking giant tube inside you like hello and it's really hard too because I was laying on my back and there's nowhere for your saliva to go. So like I kept having to like swallow it, try to. And like every time I would, my tongue would move and it would move the tube because it was

like taped to my face type shit. And every time it moves, the timer restarts because I have to breathe on my own for 30 minutes to be able to get it out. It took me like an hour. until I actually was like got to 30 minutes. But I remember like I was crying and trying to scream because I was like, I can't fucking breathe. All I want to do is say my like say mom. It's all I wanted. That was the first thing I did when I came back to life. And I remember at some point it was so bad and so miserable that I, they gave me a whiteboard.

And I was like, can barely do it. but I was like PTP and they were like, huh? And I was like, and they were like, oh, pull the plug. I had literally been like pull the plug. I can't do this. Like I feel like I'm dying, but not how it felt before. Like this is fucking miserable. And they're like, well, we can't do that.

We can't do that. Or else like you're going to be dead. And obviously we don't want that. I was like, but I do. I did it for a reason. like the fuck so when you woke up where did you feel like you were upset that it didn't successfully happen i was upset that they brought me back because i had finally gotten a break yeah i finally like i wrote down uh really bad there times a charm um just awful but like fuck it whatever um i was upset because i was

like, you know, I just recently started getting over this feeling of getting mad at my mom because I was like, that's so selfish because like I had finally succeeded. I was dead. Like, I killed myself. And it was like the best feeling ever. Like, trying to describe death is hard, but it was, it just, it was nice. Um, like, I guess for me who wanted to die. so I finally I have never focused as hard in my entire life but for 30 minutes I was just letting my mouth fill with saliva not moving trying to breathe on my own for 30 minutes I was like my eyes were shut I was squeezing the fuck out of my mom's hand and I was like okay just keep going just keep going you have to push through this so you can get this bitch out of you so difficult and then it hits you 30 minutes and they're not doing anything. My mom's like, eh, 30 minutes. Like, Bree's done it. The fuck. And they took them another five minutes to get it out, like, to even come back to get it out. I was like, you're fucking kidding me. Like, am I sure I'm alive? Like, this is fucking hell.

Like, I was chilling when I was dead. Now I get brought back and this is what I instantly have to go through. You see how that can like be so upsetting. It was, I was so irritated and angry and disappointed and upset because it was like, that's all I wanted. I've wanted this since I was literally 11 years old. And the feeling, like the best way I could describe death for me, I didn't go anywhere, I didn't see anybody. It was just all black, but it wasn't like you're there seeing black. It was just your being there, like just you, like your soul.

And there is no negative or like extremely happy feeling. It is complete peace. That, at least for me, it was complete peace and everything was calm. finally like happy. I was like finally content and calm and at peace for the first time in my entire life. And it was just really upsetting that I got taken from that. It was the only break I've ever gone in my entire life and I got taken from it. But finally they get the tube out and it was Oh my God. Top three most painful things I've ever gone through.

I'm sure. You had to like cough really hard. And while you're doing that, the tube is like down to like your belly button. So obviously you can't cough hard enough for all that to come out. So now you're like you can't breathe and you're gagging while they're still pulling it out. And it is like scratching your throat up.

My chest and collar bones are an excruciating pain from the defibrillator. Like it was so hard. hard to breathe, like not only relearning how to, but hey, oh my fucking God, my chest hurts. It felt like my collarbones had been broken. And I was there and I was able to say mom and it was like the most like distorted, scratchy, fucked up voice didn't even sound like me. But I got to finally say it out loud. And I just started bawling because like hearing me say mom, I had waited like two hours.

hours. And I was like, oh, that's like, that was really nice. And that's when, like, I had realized I've been strapped down to the bed because apparently in my sleep, I was trying to pull the tube out. Because, like, yeah, it's your body's natural reaction. Like, it's fucking giant down your throat. Like, you know? And so I was, like, going, I was lifting my arms to give her hug. And it's just, I was like Okay, so am I in hell? What the fuck is going on, dude? And I was like, what is this?

She was like, yeah, you were trying to take the tube out. I was like, yeah, duh. Like, I don't remember it, but like, yeah. And they finally undid my wrist and they were covered in bruises. Like the bruise was so gnarly. It was like mainly black. And I got to hug my mom.

And then that's when the anger started to kick in. Because, like, hadn't been taking my meds for two days because I was dead. Like, you can't just open your mouth, swallow. And that was when I, it just, it settled in where I was like, you fucking took me out of my one, only kind of peace I've ever had. And it was probably the. most anger I've ever felt my entire life. And I was being an asshole. But like, understandably, I just came back and this is what I'm going through.

And they were just trying to call me down. And Greg was like crying. You never see him cry. And I couldn't drink or eat anything because my throat was rubbed raw. And I had like a catheter in me. They had to take that out. I was like, I bit hurted too. But I was just there and I was just kind of out of it.

I was so tired, but I couldn't sleep because I have insomnia. And they wouldn't let me. I wasn't prescribed transidone at that point. So I had to just be there. I had to spend the night because they were like, hey, you can't do anything. I couldn't walk. I had to relearn how to walk. I had to relearn how to move my toes.

And I had to relearn a lot of things. How long did that take that stuff? Relearning? Maybe two days. Yeah. Yeah, like two days. Hell on earth. And so I was also like shitting my furs.

fucking guts out. Like, I don't remember why I think they had cleansed my body probably. I was just shitting my guts out, which was so annoying. Because, like, any time I felt any of it, I would have to get up and they would put the, like, seat next to my bed, you know? But, like, getting up was so painful. And I had so much stuff attached to me, like, all over. And it was really hard to pee through the catheter. I don't know why. My body was just, like, rejecting it. So then I'm there overnight. My parents have to leave.

But before Greg left, obviously he made another promise. Take a gander. Never happened. Just like usual. Still hasn't to this day, which is whatever. I'm not surprised.

And I remember finding out what really went down in more detail and how I figured out that I had fully died and had to do the defibrillator by this nurse that it was his night shift. He was fucking awesome. I don't remember his name fully, but I know it started with a J. And he was very comfortable around me. We were having really nice talks. He had given me a melatonid shot and melatonin meds doesn't work on me.

Like, my insomnia is insane. So I was just up all night talking to him. And I would eat popsicles to calm my throat. and I was just like hey like why does my chest hurt so bad and like it was hard to breathe like it hurts so bad

he was like well they had to use the defibrillator on you and I was like oh that would make sense I was like so did I actually die and he was like yeah

you you were 100% dead and I was like okay It's a very bittersweet knowledge to have because it hits harder when like the actual nurse that helped you like says it. And so we were just talking overnight

and never got to sleep but the next day my parents come and we had to talk to a psychiatrist, obviously, but it was like on Zoom. and it was like this giant TV they had brought over the bed and I was like hey like barely can talk and um I'm trying not to cry my parents are instantly crying and just um they we all knew that I cannot go back to a psych word I can't because it never if anything it just made me feel worse um so we put on the face that we're really good at which is

everything's okay and we are okay. We're really good at doing that. And my parents were crying, but we were all just like, it was an accident. It was an accident. And he was like, how do you accidentally take 60 meds? And I was like, my mom was coming up with some bullshit story, but what are you going to do? And after a long chat and I was like, yeah, I'm going to change my life. like I'm going to change my life.

Like, everything's going to be good. Um, so we didn't have to go. Oh, big relief. And then we go home. And I was, I don't really remember a lot, honestly. Like, I have, I have brain damage from it because, you know, um, I remember like, I would have a lot of coughing going on obviously and because what had happened was the tube

when they're taking it out the edges of it scratch your inside of your throat and so it takes off a lot of skin in there and so I would cough and like boof pieces of skin would come out like from my throat I hope you guys never have to feel that texture it was vile and so that was happening a lot

And I was like, what the fuck? Because I didn't know, but then we found out. And, yeah, I don't remember a lot, but. And this was all in 22, you said? In 22, yeah. And it was in, it happened on August 21st. So my birthday is until October, so at this point I was still 21. And then a couple months later,

it comes my birthday and I was like falling in love at the time with this other guy and so everything was seeming good it was my birthday and we went to a waterfall and I had my friends like everyone was like here for me and everyone was really really grateful that I'm still here and in my head in the back I'm like I'm not Like I still miss it to this day that feeling

Just complete an utter euphoria Yeah and so then Everything was all right But got back into drinking And That partner that I had at that time was really toxic And so that was really fucking fucking me up and also like he was Polly

so he had a wife and I'm not poly babes so I was really fucking me up for a while and then um that is when it was in November of last year is when I broke my leg so I was better in for four months how to do PT and um all I knew how to get rid of the pain was liquor because I'm allergic to like every pain med there is except for like Tylenol and ibuprofen which bitch that's not going to help my like broken leg so like lots of gin was being drank drunken yeah that's a better word i'm like drunken drunken but um um obviously got horrible PTSD from it so like just being stuck in bed and like nothing to do at all. Like I had to use a walker, just drinking and I'm just like watching YouTube and like movies.

And it started to get to me with the toxicity of the relationship and the nightmares. I always had nightmares, but they had gotten like extremely worse over time from, you know, suicide. And being stuck alone for so long and, like, not really knowing what to do, right. Your brain kind of takes over. And that's what happened. And then slowly and slowly the nightmares have gotten worse and worse. I still have them every night because it's called PTSD.

Are your nightmares about the suicide, or are they just about? They're about reasons why I committed suicide. Yeah. Things that just eat me up. A lot of it is the mental hospitals, the psychords. A lot of them is in that and just feeling trapped and like there's no escape. That's a big one for me. And yeah, then I relearned how to walk and stuff.

I'm still working on getting like my balance good and stuff. But I can't believe. that was a year ago. Holy shit. Feels like two months ago. Yeah. And things were getting better. I broke up with my partner. And like I had a partner with that, like trying to be Polly, but like I just couldn't hurt too bad.

And, you know, I went, I started going to play. It's a gay bar in Nashville. And it's like a club. and like I was just vibing you know like slowing it down on the drinking um still drinking but like you know me like like now compared to a year ago bonkers I don't touch I don't touch liquor and so unless I'm like we're at play or something like oh have a margarita or like we're going out to la siesta our favorite Mexican restaurant and um but yeah like I don't keep liquor in the house anymore like it got so bad girl in 2019 i was taking 20 shots of vodka a day and i was taking like

five to 10 ibuprofenes a day and doing cocaine and parting so much i got stomach ulcers like severe yeah and everyone was like you have to stop drinking i was like no yeah for sure i'm an i'm an alcoholic that you can't just like cold turkey bar right and it's like you know i don't know it helps my anxiety and like I want to go party and like someone's going to offer me a beer like you know um and now um I'm like it was last it was yeah this year this summer I met Andy and and um it was kind of like instant just like love and um things that have been, it's been not, it's a little bumpy, it's been eight months now, crazy. And things have been a lot better. He's very supportive and knows me a lot with my PTSD and, you know,

like, I'll have nightmares where I'll scream in my sleep or kick or talk, which I don't remember, but Andy's there to come from me and help me. And it's really nice. Because, you know, my other partners, you know, Andy lives with me. And my other partners didn't. And they lived in Nashville. So they were really far away. It's like you have more of support now.

Yeah. I'm like secure. And, you know, obviously it's been over a year since my death. Um, but I still, I'm not going to lie, I still have like some hatred in my heart. And like every now and then I will miss it. And I'm just like, let me go back. But I'm like, I'm going to hurt everyone. Right. Just for my peace. Like that would be the most selfish. You know? Um, so even though I have those thoughts, um, I don't do it. I've been clean from self-harm for over a year. I was clean for a little bit

then I broke whatever but I'm clean right now haven't done that I don't fuck with that shit because I already have enough scars girl I'd rather have some more tattoos than that so that's what I do I tattoo myself instead yeah and

pretty much it was it was a really hard time in my life it was it was tough and the craziest thing too is like how badly I wanted it didn't hurt me like I don't have like that wasn't the biggest pain in my entire life my biggest pain was losing Chantelle like hat that looks like yeah um and like which is crazy because normally that would be like the biggest trauma of your entire life

is committing suicide um but it wasn't and i think for you you felt like you were doing it to take away all of this pain that you were feeling. Yeah, for like a decade. It was something that I wanted. Have you talked to like a therapist or anyone about the things that have happened in your childhood? Yeah. Do you feel like that's helped you at all? Oh yeah.

I mean, I was going to therapy ever since the first attempt in psychiatry. But you don't feel like that has numbed any of the pain of what's happened. Oh, no, that didn't. Because I had been through a lot and I had to like lose too that I was like really like loving. Yeah. But in 2018, when I was getting off Xanax, I got to my therapist right now, Jill. She's fucking awesome. I've been with her since then.

And she knows me a lot. And we're really, we're vibing. Right. And life is always bumpy. You know, it's like some days we're good, some days we're not. Yeah. And I think it depends on our mood and what we're going through and what's happening. You're telling me it was good.

You know, what's happening that day. But I think that it seems like at this point in your life that you, you are, well, you're very, you're extremely self-aware, you know what I mean, which is so important. Yeah. And it's sad that it's like, no one can take that pain away, like not even yourself, you know, and it's shitty and it's horrible. And but I think that it's good that you realize, though, that there are so many people that care about you.

Yeah. And that taking yourself away from them, you know, it would hurt them and you don't want to hurt them. But it's like, no one can sit there and speak and be. be like, you shouldn't do it. Yeah, right. Because if no one is feeling what you're feeling. Right.

You know what I mean? But I'm glad that you're alive and that you came and shared your story. Thanks. No, yeah. I'm really happy about it. Thanks. Like, I was really excited when I got the email and you were like, we would love to have your show.

I was like, because I was like, I'm just going to email for sheds of gigs. Like there's no way. And the thing is too is, and this is something that I say to every one of my guests, but there's always somebody that can relate and that feels what you felt. Right. So you coming on here is definitely. going to touch multiple people and make them feel like they're not alone. I really, really hope so because, like, if you've been through this, like, I know the feeling,

but I'm glad you're here too. Because, like, obviously it just shows that I do have a purpose here. I have a meaning. Yeah. And there's a lot more moments in life now where I'm just kind of grateful that I'm here. Yeah. There's a lot of things to see. Right.

like a lot of things to do and there's so many things to give love too right you know me like your animals and you know your partner all these things it's like in your family and i think that sometimes it can be really challenging to love ourselves right but like i feel like for me at least too like i get so much fulfillment of like giving love to other things same you know and i think that that that holds a big place yeah because it you like deep down like helping other people really brings a warm feeling inside yourself. So it's like everyone's winning here. You know, I love that.

Like, that's what I do. And I love animals a lot. So, like, I go to, like, my nearest shelters and just hang out, give them love a lot. Yeah, that's awesome. So, yeah, I just, all in all, I do think my main reason for being here is helping a lot of people. And I'm okay with that. And now I'm just also trying to put myself first in a lot of things. too because I never did that before right and you're still so young 23 you're young you have time

and I think that like every day and every year is going to be like a new journey for you and you're going to learn something different and learn yourself more and I feel like you're just finally starting to like learn who you are today which is important because I think that when you experience so much trauma I can strip all that away from you for a long time hell yeah and it's like I like to think of like a new beginning like I was I was literally really really born. What I like to say is I am indeed a zombie. I didn't come back. But yeah, I have a lot of time and I'm not taking anything for granted. Sometimes it's hard because PTSD will kick it in and I'll disassociate a lot. But getting better at getting myself out, Andy helps me a lot with that. So,

yeah, I'm not as nearly upset as I was then to be alive. that's good and you did so amazing thank you thank you so much seriously for wanting to come share your story no thank you for wanting me to come on no of course you did such a good job