We're All Insane - I Was Ejected From My Car and Survived

Episode Date: June 16, 2025

#podcast #friends #survival In this powerful and emotional video, Jayden shares her story of surviving a devastating rollover car accident that changed her life forever. Thrown from the vehicle, she suffered a broken neck and tragically lost her best friend, who was driving. Now, 10 years later, she reflects on the impact of that day, the grief, the recovery, and how she's learned to live with the pain and guilt. Jayden's Instagram: @jayden_robarge 00;02;15;00 What's it like cutting a parent off? 00;04;51;00 What are examples of reckless driving?00;17;50;00 What happens when the tire blows out while driving? 00;18;32;29 What's it like being in a car accident? 00;23;25;21 What's it like being ejected from a car in a accident? 00;25;09;12 What's it like seeing your family in the hospital after a car accident? 00;26;28;16 What's it like being in the hospital for a neck injury? 00;27;39;19 What is a medical "halo"? 00;31;27;15 What's it like hearing your friend passed away?00;32;01;08 What's it like not being able to cry because of an injury? 00;35;59;05 What's it like going to your friends funeral in highschool? 00;36;48;03 What's it like trying to recover from a car accident? 00;40;34;03 Is it normal to be mad after a tragedy? 00;43;30;17 What's it like having PTSD from a car accident?00;49;05;26 What's it like having nightmares after a car accident? 00;59;57;07 How can yoga help recover after an injury? Topics: Car Accident, Survival Story, Neck Injury, Loss, Grief If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. My name's Jaden on June 11, 2015. I was in a rollover car accident. I broke my neck from being ejected from the vehicle, and it ultimately killed my friend who was driving. And today, I'm here to honor the 10-year milestone and talk about my friend and just share a little bit of my story about the last decade and my healing and all of that. Before I get into the details of my accident, my story starts, obviously, before. and in order to really talk about my healing in the last 10 years.

I have to start before. Of course. Give us the rundown. Okay. So growing up, I played competitive soccer my whole life. I loved it. I played center mid and right wing. And it was everything for me.

My parents divorced when I was roughly about 10 years old. And growing up, it wasn't a healthy relationship and not a super healthy household. And so the divorce wasn't shocking when it came, probably needed, but it was granted a very messy divorce. And so soccer was a really good outlet for me. It gave me sisters that I, outside of my two that I already have, but sisters that I could go see every day and just something that I felt like I could control. and really work hard in and kind of get away from whatever was going on. And so really like poured myself into that. And truly as I feel like a lot of people who play super competitively can relate,

but that was who I was. You know what I mean? I wasn't too much outside of that just because of you devout your whole growing up to that. And so I loved it. I could probably do a whole other episode just on growing up, my family and all that, but I'll save most of that for another day. But roughly when I was like 15, 16 years old, I just hit my final straw and I made the decision to go no contact with my mother, which looking back, I'm really proud of two decisions

that I made for myself when I was really young. And that was one of them. It was something that I needed to do and haven't had contact since then. and didn't know it at the time, but obviously going no contact with a parent is a grieving process in itself. And so that is kind of the beginning of my grieving and all that. And I think when you're that young, too, it's like you don't even know how to grieve, you know, and especially that kind of big decision to make. And I think that people don't realize, like even if you know somebody needs to be removed from your life, that doesn't make it.

it easy, you know, to the aftermath of it. Yeah. It sucks. Yep. And I feel like, too, I was just, I was so angry for so long. And so I really didn't understand that you needed to grieve through that as well. Yeah. And then obviously, a couple years later, a year and a half, two years later, I was, got

into my accident. And that snowballed a lot of anxiety and PTSD. and just all the things that came with that. And you were living with your dad, right? Okay. Yep. And how was your relationship with him? Was it pretty good?

Yeah. He was a single dad growing up. And so he did the best he could. And yeah, he is amazing. So throughout that, I'm obviously roughly a sophomore in high school. And I'm getting ready to start being recruited for college soccer. And so preparing for that, working really hard, starting to do tournaments, playing high school. And then the summer before my senior year, I was in my accident.

And so before we get into my accident, it wasn't shocking that we got into an accident because of just what we did. we always drove around. We were always speeding places. I hate looking back on it, but during the time, it was the time of our lives, and we were having so much fun, but we would blast music. We would sneak out. You can't do this on Utah freeways anymore because they're so busy, and just please never do that on freeways.

But we would sneak out and go on the freeway and speed at 100 mile. plus miles per hour, and come to a complete stop on the freeway, all run out, get in different spots in the car, get back into the car, go on to the next exit. Then we'd go another day and we're driving around and we'd hang out windows and blasting music. And during the time it was euphoric, right? Because it's summer and it's the sun setting and the music's blasting. You're with your best friends that feel like family to you.

and you don't realize how dangerous it was. And so looking back and when I reflect on it, I was like, oh my gosh. Like we're so lucky more didn't happen to us, I guess. It's still awful what we got into. But I think it was bound to happen just the way we're driving. Yeah. And, you know, I think that that's really important that you mentioned that because I feel like there needs to be that understanding of both sides of things. things because when you are that age, look, I'd be surprised if somebody were to say like they

didn't do some reckless stuff when they were that age. I mean, I remember in high school, I was sitting on people's laps driving before I had my license and speeding and blasting music, that was the thing. And it's fun. And I think when you're that age, you think you're invincible. You don't really think about death. You don't think about other people and safety. And of course, that isn't an excuse, but I think that's the reason. of that age. I think you're just looking for the next high, the next fun and an escape, I think too, especially if there's things that are going on in your life. Like, you don't want to think about anything else. You want to have fun. And I think that it's important that you

share that because I think it's very easy for people to be like, oh yeah, it was bound to happen, like whatever. But also that is the reality of a lot of people at that age. And I feel like, I feel like there's a decent amount maybe of awareness about like, you know, safety with driving. But maybe if there was things implemented to like more so, I think how to word this, like relate to like in a way that kids understand it. Or like there are people are like, we get this feeling that you're having. Like it's not just be safe while you drive. You know, don't speed. Because I think when you approach things like that, it doesn't really help.

There's no true understanding behind it in a way. So anyway, I just think I think it's really good that you mentioned that the feelings that you had. It's not like it was just like, oh, we're just speeding. Like they're really, there are reasons kids do it. And I think it is just viewed as this fun, harmless thing. Like you don't really think until something goes wrong. And that's with a lot of things in life, unfortunately. Yeah.

But I feel like I, like we knew to buckle. We knew, you know, we knew speeding was dangerous and we knew all this and we still did it. And I think that just shows like when you're when you're young like that, you really do feel invincible and you don't understand how fragile life really is. And growing up, unfortunately, you learn that usually during the worst times. And it's hard. It's hard to like a developing brain explain that to them because that is one of the biggest things when my friend died was trying to grasp that she sat by me one moment and then was completely gone forever the next. And I really just couldn't understand that for like probably almost two years

after my accident. It was really hard to comprehend. And I do think it's because, I mean, you're young. Like you just don't understand the gravity to all the situations always. And I randomly just had a thought, which it might not be this, you know, crazy thought. But I almost feel like it's stories like yours that should be shared to students because, It's like a very real life example and it's coming from a place of like I've been there. I went through it and I felt it. And not only is it like I feel like full circle for you, but it helps so many people. Like who knows if when you were that age, you know what I mean?

If there were somebody that stood on a stage in an auditorium and just said their story, you know? And I don't think people understand how important sharing your story can be for reasons like that. Yeah. So keep that in mind. Yeah. I can see you doing that one day maybe. I don't know if you have interest in it, but it's just like a thought I had. Because it really, to me, that kind of goes back to what I was just saying of like a way to get through to people to like pull it almost like their feelings rather than just like you're trying to control them or tell them what to do. Totally.

If that makes sense. It totally does because I feel like I was going to do whatever I wanted anyways when I was young. Tell me to buckle. Tell me to do this. Right. Whatever. Like I was, I was a good kid. I was a good person in school.

I was playing soccer. Like I did listen, but I was also going to do whatever I wanted. And so I do feel like connecting that way probably would have helped me too and help give me a little bit more baseline of understanding rather than just being like, okay. Right. You know, you told me I'll just decide if I want to listen or not. So leading up to the accident, we're driving around. And most of the time we're in Jan's car. Janice is my friend who passed. Janice was one of the only people that really had a license at the time, but she was also our group mom. So she was like the core of our little family that we felt like we had. And so she's always picking us up, taking us to work. We're always meeting at her house. I feel like whenever we were trying to call our friends, it was like, I'm at Jans. Where are you? I'm headed there. Are you coming? And I feel like her home was a second.

home for all of us that we could all just go and hang out and she made a safe space for us and she was really special because she was so good at being everybody's best friend um and i feel like we all felt that way like jan was my best friend but she was also everybody who was also in the car's best friend and everybody you know all of our other group as well she was so good at having one on one time and having deep conversations and just being a friend that that person needed all the time, which I think speaks to what her purpose was while she was here, Earthside, but also just kind of who she was to her core. And she was the best.

And her laugh was the absolute best ever. And that has been one thing that I hope I would never forget, because I feel like when people pass away, you're like, I hope I don't forget the way they look. the way they sounded. And thankfully, her laugh is like never left the way it sounds. And it's one of my favorite things. My memory is a little spotty. But roughly a week before the accident, all of us girls were sitting in Jan's room. And she had been going through some health scares and was trying to figure out what was going on and, you know, said to us, I don't think I'll be here for much

longer. Like I don't, like, I don't know if I'll be around. And we're all like, no, Jan, like, don't say that. It'll be okay. We'll get it figured out. Obviously being supportive. But, um, and you guys were all 16? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. 16. When I, I was 17 when I was in my accident. Okay. So we're all like 16, 17. Got it. So she's talking to us and she was like, she had said stuff like that kind of throughout, but she was like pretty. like serious about it in that moment. And so we were all like, it's okay. Just thinking she was worried. But obviously looking back, I think she was preparing us.

And knew subconsciously, like her time was coming, I think. And so the day of the accident, it's a summer day. It's the middle of early June. And I remember we're all like just kind of bored. We all wanted to do something, but didn't really know. to do. We didn't really just want to sit around. And so we get in the car like we usually do, start driving around. And we start going to visit friends. And so Janice's brother had just gotten a new job. And so we visit him. And she goes in and hugs him and tells him she's proud of him. And

our other friend, she's also working and not having like a super great day. And so we go and visit her and we're visiting her and talking to her about her day while she's on break. And and I remember that moment feeling really special. We were all just like, Jan's the best. We're so glad we came to visit. And we were all just like so happy. We're walking out and I took photos with her, like with Janice as we're walking out, post them, I think, on my Snapchat, which I was in the accident just a couple hours after

that. And I had a friend who screenshotsed them for me, which I'm so thankful for because those are obviously my last photos that I have with her, and still one of my favorite photos ever. But we're walking out and we're just like having fun. The sun is setting. We're kind of just like figuring out as we go, not doing anything crazy.

And so, and looking back too, I think it was really special for us just because I think maybe we all kind of felt it in a way, you know? And so I just remember being really happy and just loving my friends so much and thinking we're just like so cute and we're the best cute little teenage best friends and all that. So starting to get dark, the sun's setting and we're still driving around. Janice is driving.

friend one is in the passenger friend two is sitting on my left side behind janis who's driving i'm the next person in the back friend three is next to me and then friend four is behind the passenger seat so you are kind of in the middle in the back yep middle left um and so and that was typical for us too we were usually packing in a car which is also i think teenage typical behavior. So none of us were wearing seatbelts. And I don't think we ever really wore seabelt. Yeah.

If I'm being honest with you. So we get in, we're driving. And the road that we take is kind of an interesting road. So it's on one side, it's a little bit windy, a couple small hills. but then you are in the bottom of like this like creek bed. I don't even know if there's really water there anymore, but it maybe is a dry one. And there's some houses tucked in the back, maybe two or three.

And then it's engulfed in these huge trees. So it's super dark, even during the day usually. It winds around. And then there's a hill, like a really steep hill that pops you out on the other side, which is next to that friend we visited at work. And then luckily for us, because obviously that was our accident road, but there's a fire station just down the road too. And so we are on the side that is windy, headed to go up this steep hill rather than coming down the steep hill and going to the windy side. The windy side pops us out near our high school.

So it was almost like I used to use that road to like get there quicker every now and again. We get in the car and we obviously turn up the music, we're blasting it, and we start speeding away. And we're going like pretty fast, like faster than we usually go. We go to the right corner. So take a small right and we start going left. And I watch friend one grab her seatbelt and buckle and grab like the old shit handlebar or whatever we call it. And the front right tire blows and our car starts rolling. And that's what caused us to roll as we were turning the tire blue.

And that's kind of what made the front of the car obviously start rolling. That's crazy that friend one knew and could buckle. So did they successfully buckle the seatbelt in that time? Yeah, that's pretty crazy. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart,

wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad-free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. And, yes, it's honestly, I think it saved her life, obviously. Oh, yeah. So watch that. my friend Janice, I watch her shift gears and then the car rolls. Let me back up, sorry.

We go around the corner. I watch Jan shift, friend one buckles, tire pops. We start rolling. I watch the top of the car meet the road. I watch the glass shatter. And even talking about it, I can feel like the car still. and we're so far away from the accident but I can like my body can still fill it and we're coming up again and I can tell the car is going to roll again and so I start talking to myself in my head and

I'm like the car is rolling the car is rolling and so as if I was like in a tire or like at a carnival ride and you like stick your hands to the top of like a roof or inside the tire and like like plant your feet on the ground to try to stay in, right? That was like, okay, do that. That's like what I thought about. And so I put my hands on the top of the roof. No idea where my legs are. Like I'm like floating to the top of the car.

So I just remember making contact with the roof and squeezing my eyes shut and we go again. Now, the road that you're on, you said it was pretty windy. So at this point, are you guys with the rolling? guys still rolling on the road or at this point are you kind of in like trees yeah okay actually great question so it's windy go straight and then you hit the hill okay so we're um we're like on the straight okay of the road yeah um and we're rolling on the road okay so um we're rolling for a second time i squeezed my eyes and um i don't remember the rest by wake up laying in the road And I lay there and I'm like opening my eyes.

And the first thing is like my hip and like my butt area. Like my side hurts so bad. And there's no one there yet, right? Nobody's there yet that I remember. This was all kind of really fast. But friend one, she came and was over me like almost immediately. If not, she was already standing above me. Okay. And I just remember I was in pain on my side and I'm like, again, in my head, I'm like, you're laying in the road. The car rolled. Like, we're, this is pretty bad. Like, we need an adult here. So friend one is like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, my hip hurts. I'm like, call my dad because this is really bad. And she's like, okay, what's his number?

gave the phone number. She didn't even know where her phone was, but was just whatever you need. Like, give me the phone. I'll call him. I also didn't know at the time, but she was standing between me and friend, too, who was ejected as well, so that I, like, didn't see them. And I can't remember what series of order this really happened, but I, I try to sit up and the road that we're on engulfed in trees usually like nearly pitch black at this time. Um, because it's pretty late. It's before midnight. Um, I think like 10 or 11 p.m.

But we can see everything. Like I don't know if it was adrenaline. I don't know if it was Jan helping us. I don't know. Um, I don't know if it was just like, was it a full moon that night? I'd really have no idea. But literally the whole road was lit up and we could see. Nobody was there yet.

And that's when I felt my neck. And so I laid back down and I was like, oh my gosh. Like I'm really hurting now. Friend one, I think, leaves me at that point. Somebody was coming down the big hill and like saw our accident. And so she went and sat in the car and was calling the police and stuff. And they arrived really quickly. The fire station was literally just down the road.

They come get me. They put me in the ambulance. and I'm really just worried about my hip. I'm like, that's all I'm talking about because my hip hurts so bad. And my left knee because I had so much road rash on me because summer I was wearing shorts, sandals, like a T-shirt. So tons of road rash and I was just like, my hip hurts. It's like really all I was complaining about.

But they put me in a neck brace because I told them my neck was hurting as well. And I'm like, call my dad. we're going to need some adults here and head to the hospital. Before I get to the hospital, what I think happened when I was ejected was I think I was flown. Like, I can't remember how like 20, 30 yards, like I was flown quite a ways. And I think I landed on my hip and that tumbled me to land on my hip. and that tumbled me to land on my head because I was missing like a chunk of hair on the top of my head. And I think that's what like nicked my neck and then probably, I don't know, tumbled a couple more times.

Because a couple years later, I ended up reading my police reports and the officer that did my report, my hair was all over the road. just like wads of chunks enough for him to like report on. Now when you were ejected, did you go through the glass or you went through where the glass already broke? Okay. Yeah. All of the glass was pretty much broken. And I went out the side window. So like the left driver's side.

Jeez. Okay. Backseat. And how many people were ejected? Four of us. Okay. And the only one that wasn't was the one that was wearing the seatbelt. friend one and then friend three okay yeah so I think that's how my neck broke I obviously don't

really know but just assuming based off of my injuries and stuff I get to the hospital and and um my dad and my sister comes in and my poor sister's face is like she's sobbing. It's like probably horrific to see me like that. Um, I have blood all over me. I have road rash. I'm missing toenails. I just remember grabbing her hand being like, I'm okay. It's okay. Don't cry. Um, and she was just, it was just horrible to see my sister like that. So my family it gets there. And I am so uncomfortable. I'm obviously laying on like this hard platform.

I don't have any medical backgrounds. I have no idea what it's called. But I'm in a neck brace. I'm on this hard platform. I'm obviously hurting so bad. And I just like want to get off. And so I'm like trying to move around. And the nurses are like, stop moving, quit moving. And I'm like, like, mentally, I feel like I'm, like, freaking out almost because I'm just, like, so uncomfortable and in pain. And this nurse, one of the only times that somebody came and talked to me, like, while I was laying there, everybody was always talking, like, behind my head. So I couldn't, I could always hear voices, but I couldn't see anybody. But this nurse comes and pins me down and, like, looks at me and is, like, if you do not want to be paralyzed, you can,

not keep moving. You have to stop. I was like, I had literally obviously stopped right then and just started bawling because that was like another realization moment for me. Like, this is really bad. Like, this is really scary. And so I'll never forget that. And I'm very glad, obviously, she said that to me. But yeah, that was like an intense moment for me. I'm in the hospital. for roughly four days, and they're trying to decide. They know my neck is broken at this point. They took x-rays, and they're trying to decide if they should fuse my neck or if they should put a halo on me.

And fusing is like pretty much super gluing the bone together, but then you don't, you can't ever regain your mobility really after that, or you lose some. And in halo is if you think mean girls and she gets hit by the bus and gets put into that, that's a halo. So I was putting in a halo. Put you under anesthesia. So they make four incisions, two above one of each eyebrow and then one above each ear.

And they take bolts and they screw the bolts into your school. And so. In those four places. And then you're wearing like the equipment and the equipment helps hold your like head in place. And then you wear a vest to help hold the bars that are on you. So it really feels like you're in a cage. Because I have like two bars sitting right at my like vision pretty much. And then in the back.

And I'm wearing this vest that nearly goes down to like my belly button. And how long do you stay in that? Um, it's six to 12 weeks. I was in mind for like eight. Okay. I fractured my C2 vertebrae. And they typically call it, this is what I was told by the doctors or nurses, but, um, they typically call it like a hangman's fracture because that's what usually gets fractured or broken during an event like that. And so, um, that stuck with me, too, just because I think obviously spinal injuries are serious, but it just put a reminder of like how serious the placement of my breaking was. And how easily like that could have been also the end for me,

not even just paralyzed, but like just, you know, the near death side of things. And so I'm in the halo. So during the time I have the best community coming to visit, soccer friends, people from school, my friends, obviously. And that I remember feeling so loved and so happy people were there. And everybody was so kind. And yeah, that was like really special for me to have visitors come. And I loved that. So I'll never forget just the way people showed up after. I wake up from my surgery getting my halo on. And by this point, too, I have a gash in my school too. And like you can see my school. Like, and it needs staples. And I can't remember if they did the staples before, but I think they did staples after I got my halo so that my neck wouldn't move during it. Anyways, I

wake up from my halo and I'm like, oh my gosh, my skull hurts. And I remember my dad like being like kind of shocked, but kind of like that's super crazy, kind of like funny in a way. It's like how you can pinpoint that pain because it wasn't like my head hurt. I was like my, the bone and my skull hurts so bad. So I'll never forget that too and that feeling of just like being able to feel that. and um which is maybe one of my funnier pieces from the hospital i guess but during visits and before i got my halo on and stuff um friends are visiting me and i'm trying to ask how people are and i'm not allowed to have my phone and um i didn't realize it at the time obviously but people are being like looking back they were being a little um dodgy or just buffering the way they

answer on how people were. Get my halo on and my dad shortly after that holds my hand and is like, I have something to tell you. Janice didn't make it. And I remember just sitting up in the hospital bed, I'm in this cage. I'm wearing this vest so I can't even take deep breaths like in general. and I feel like I almost feel claustrophobic. Like I'm, I shed a couple tears and I can feel myself like wanting to like just ball, obviously. And I'm like, I have to stop crying because I think if I continue to cry right now, like I'm going to freak out and I have nowhere to go because I can't move at all. I've been so much pain.

I'm nervous the way I move if that will like hurt my neck at all. And I can't breathe. Like I can't, my chest can't expand to like just even take a deep breath. And I just remember like that was like my first moment of like I felt like I was drowning and like had no, no outlet. Like, I didn't know what to do. So, and, uh, I'm so much as, like, running through my head during that time. I'm like, this is, again, this was like another moment for me of, like, this is really bad. Like, your friend is gone.

You broke your neck. You don't know if you're going to be allowed to play soccer anymore. Um, I have a friend upstairs in a coma. I'm missing toenails. I have staples in my head. I'm missing so much of my hair. I've road rash all over me. And I was just like, this is, this is really bad.

Is what I just like kept telling myself. And the friend in a coma, was that friend too? Yeah. Okay. And that's who the other friend was standing in between. Right? Okay. Yeah.

So I just, that was like, it was horrible, honestly. It was a horrible moment in itself. but it just was so, it all came crashing at once. It felt like. I do remember, though, knowing how bad it was, I was also thankful not more of us died at the same time because I was like, oh my gosh, we were all very hurt. And still just so shocked at like trying to digest just the levels of everything.

everything. So I'm getting released from the hospital. My soccer team, my club team, they go and play a tournament, and they were the best. They made bracelets and said play for Jay and went and won the tournament. And I remember, like, feeling so, like, supporting. and so happy, but I was also so, like, angry. I'm like, and this is like a, this is a reoccurring feeling for me that began with soccer, because obviously this is like my last year of soccer, especially if I don't go play college. And so you only have so many left and I've worked my whole life to be doing these really big milestones like the last, last year. And so I remember like feeling so supported and loving them so much but also it was like so sad that I was like missing

and that was also taken from me so I'm like my friend's dead my neck's broken and now the only thing that like your outlet was gone yeah exactly I get out of the hospital the very next day is Jan's funeral and um I was so like so happy that I was there like I was there like I was there like I feel like I emotionally needed to be there. So if I was, I was just, like, so glad to be around my friends. I was so glad to be there to see her family. And, yeah, I will always cherish being able to say goodbye to her at the funeral piece. So next day is her funeral.

We do all the things. We go bury her in the cemetery. And I go home because I obviously just got home from the hospital. So go home. And the next series that I'm going to talk through is kind of like a bunch of timelines combined. But pretty much that four to eight weeks that I'm in my halo, first four to eight, my nightmares are starting to begin. my sister's telling me that I'm like screaming in my sleep and I have like no memory of it.

I have friends coming over visiting. Obviously that was the best. I had a couple of friends helped me wash my hair for the first time from the accident. So I still had like twigs and blood and just more hair loss. But I remember being. And like, thank goodness my hair is washed because that felt like I couldn't shower obviously. The vest and the halo does not come off. And the vest inside of it has like this like faux fur type thing.

Almost like it reminded me so much of like insulation. Yeah. It was like kind of itchy, not very comfortable and so hot. And it was the middle of summer. And so washing my hair was very. very interesting to try to figure out. But anyways, I was so happy they helped me because I couldn't have done it by myself because I also couldn't get the vest wet at all. And I'm not sleeping a ton, obviously. Sleeping at night is really hard, and I feel like that's where I'd have like more

of my nightmare. So I'd try to sleep during the day the best I could. It was also uncomfortable because when you were laying down, like, if I didn't have, like, a pillow or I used, like, a stuff animal to help just, like, go between the bar and my face, so it felt like I was laying on a pillow, like my head was just floating. So it was a very interesting feeling to try to lay down. So I'm going through all of that. And I go, fast forward, I get my halo off. and I'm cleared to play soccer. So I'm like, thank goodness. That's like all I wanted.

And I'm so happy, but this is also, I think, when I started having anxiety. I had no idea what it was at first, but I was so anxious. And I finish my high school season. and I remember like so torn because I was so happy that I was able to play and I was so grateful that I could finish my high school season but I was like so mad at everything I lost already like all of the tournaments the beginning like my fitness and then obviously like warming up and plane was not the same. Like, I was just, like, mentally not there. And so I felt like I was also, that was also taken from me. Like, I couldn't even escape what used to be a place that I could just focus on solely and have so much fun with. Like, it wasn't even escape for me anymore either. And so I was just so bittersweet the whole time. Because I was, like, so thankful. I could even

just walk and run and play, but also just so mad. and being mad is kind of how I dealt with it for the first like probably year or so and I didn't really know anything else other than to just react angry and so I do feel like I try not to wish I had done things and change my healing journey because it's brought me to be here today but I do wish I had maybe somebody to talk to you on a professional level during that time to help me understand all of that and help me walk through some of that stuff so high school season's done um roughly five months later we get notified that we have a friend who was in a separate car accident um and he wasn't doing

good and so um he was in the hospital for a little while and then doesn't end up making it. So we get notified that he's gone. And here are the funeral arrangements to be at. And our friends are obviously, our whole friend group is just like devastated. We're like less than six months and we're burying two friends in the same cemetery. And I felt like, I felt like I was so numb from it, but also so heartbroken. It's like, how is this happening a second time? Did the friend that was in a coma, did that friend come out fine? Yes.

Okay. Yep. And I honestly, I can speak a little bit to that. So our accident was so interesting because we felt like we had a whole range of injuries. My friend three who is in the back, a couple scratches. Friend one in the passenger seat, buckled. Obviously, Janice died.

I broke my neck. We have a friend in a coma. And our fourth friend who was ejected, luckily she was really okay too, but she had so much road rash on her. And so we just felt like we were like, gosh, this accident like had one of everything. Yeah. So, which was interesting to kind of look back on and reflect on on why we felt why that all happened. But anyways.

So our second friend passes. and it's like winter at this point. It's a couple months later. Getting ready for high school graduation. And I feel like my PTSD is like really taking full effect. I'm constantly at this, like, what feels like this water level is like at my chin on a good day. and obviously on a horrible day, I'm drowning. Average day between my mouth and my nose.

Like, I'm just like constantly just everything was triggering to me. And I felt so, for lack of better words, like I just felt dumb trying to explain it to people because something that wouldn't be related probably in the slightest, would just be too much for me. And anybody asking, like, why is that? And trying to explain it just made me feel so dumb. And so that was also a piece that I, a tool I didn't have for myself,

I didn't know how to communicate it and know that it was like, is not dumb. You just went through so much and like, especially so early after it, like things, everything's probably going to be triggering. But that was like the first cycles that I just started internalizing everything and really just keeping a lot to myself of what I was dealing with. Which later obviously spills out into panic attacks and random Tuesdays or whatever it is. And so that would happen to me for years afterwards.

Warming up for club games, I have so much anxiety. I have no idea even today why I had so much anxiety, but couldn't breathe, really. I felt like I was just, again, just at this water level that was just not maintainable. And I was just, again, so mad of what the accident and everything happening has been like what it took away from my soccer experience that last like year. And so I'm just so I don't want to be at soccer. I don't want to be anywhere. I don't be at school. I don't.

I just like kind of want to be with friends in a way, but also don't. So I had like, just felt like mentally I had nowhere to go. I do sign to go play college. I sign later than my, like, colleagues and friends and all that stuff. And was so happy. for everybody. But big signing day was also a really hard day for me because I was just like, I'm supposed to be here also signing and I'm not even committed to a college yet, even verbally. And again, just another thing where I was just like, it's taken from me. This sucks.

When it rains, it pours. Like, I was just like so over it. I felt like. Anyways, I go and sign. and I'm like not even excited at this point. It's almost like signing because I have to because I like worked my whole life to play college ball. You know, we graduate high school and then we're gearing up towards the summer. And now like the roughly one year mark of my accident. And I mentally just like couldn't do it. I was like I can't move away. I can't like I can't get to the gym to like.

like go and catch up on my fitness. I'm like mentally just not having fun, like doing it. And so I decommit and decide not to go play. And that is the second decision that I made at a really young age that I am so grateful that I chose my mental health in that space, even though it was such a hard decision at the time because it was who I was. who I was to my core. But I do think and feel and almost know my mental health would have declined

probably pretty bad if I would have gone and tried to play. And so decommitted and to this day I'm like so grateful I made that decision for myself and proud to be able to make that decision during the headspace I was in. But now I'm graduated high school. I'm not going to go play soccer and I feel like I'm just completely stripped like to my core. I'm like, don't know who I am. I don't even have a wardrobe out of my soccer clothes because like all I did was live in my gear. I am dealing with so much mentally and trying to grasp like the idea of like my friends being there

one minute and gone forever the next. And I'm having horrible dreams. And this kind of begins, like my next, by my last 10 years of healing. So, um, you're one to one and a half. I'm sat in like a state of shock, I feel like, trying to, um, digest and grasp everything. My dreams that I'm having, I'm having a blaine in bed and I like for months I would like wake up and would turn and could see either a dark figure standing in my closet or a figure of a face in my tapestry. I would always wake up and turn and directly look at them and would just like stare for a moment trying to figure out what it was and also try to see if it was real because I'm like what is going on. And then literally I'd just be like, I have to go back to bed. Like I don't know how to deal with this. And I was too scared to get out of my bed.

So like it was such a reoccurring figure that came to visit me. Janice would come and visit me a lot in my dreams. And one of them, I'm like taking photos with her, like selfies. And I go and look at the photo. and she's not there sitting next to me, but then I'm like turning and she's still on my left and she's laughing and she thinks it's so funny. And I'm like looking at my phone, looking at her.

And I go out of my, I go back to my camera, take a couple more photos, go back to look at them. And again, like, it's just me in this photo, but she's still standing next to me. And she's having a heyday in my dream. Like she's belly laughing and thinks it's so funny. And I had no idea what that dream meant for so long. I was in like a haze for like three days after because I was like so happy to see my friend.

Had no idea though how to like live after seeing her. But then again, she's like not there. Years later I'd realized I think she was like trying to help me grasp like I'm still here but I'm not. And this is like what it looks like now. And also her laughing and trying to make it so lighthearted is like totally her too. So that's one. She used to visit me a lot that like first two years. That's one.

I feel like I'll never forget though. So I move out of my house with my family. My then-boyfriend, now husband. we've been together for also almost a decade. We move out and we start living. Let me back up back again. Okay. So year two milestone hits and year two felt like I felt like it was year one for me.

I was like in, I didn't realize, but I was in a state of like numb, shock, just all the things for so long that when year two felt like hit, I was like, oh my gosh, okay. I am realizing this is real. It's happened so fast and I'm still so heartbroken, but it's like setting in more that like life is going to have to continue forward. your three hits and felt like your two where it was like, gosh, this happened yesterday, but also like a lifetime ago. It almost feels like it's not even real. Like it almost feels like it was like a movie in a way. So that was hard to grasp too because I was like, did this actually happen to me?

You also, I feel like didn't go through the grieving process and heal in the. the ways that you, you know, from so many things, like all the things that you said that you lost, it's like, of course, the biggest, most tragic is losing your best friend, but then you, it's like this, you know, this trickle down of everything else that was taken that did bring you joy. It's like you were just left with the injuries, you know, like everything else was depleted, your mental health, your physical health. Yeah.

And that's not something that I think a 17, 18 year old knows how to. grasp on their own. Yeah. Such a good way to put it, too. It's hard to look back knowing how young I was, you know? Yeah. So I totally agree. It's a lot to stack up.

And now I'm 18, moving out, fully independent. And I just have all these big rocks that I just like don't understand how to sort through them. And so year three through seven, I like had to mentally run away. Like I couldn't be near this like dark cloud of like never ending trauma it felt like. Because during this too, keep in mind, I'm like still having quite a bit of family stuff happening. that just was adding on to all of it too. And so I mentally was just like, I need to go and figure out who I am,

like what life I want to create, and mentally box it up and maybe never come back to it. So my then-boyfriend, now husband, we're obviously living together. And he's been my rock, through everything. He has seen all of it and has been so sweet and so supportive. Even to the little things like when there's car accidents on movies and muting it, so I don't have to hear it or skipping it entirely before I even realize it's about to come up.

And just little pieces like that helping take care of me has really given me like a safe space to figure out what my path was on my healing journey. Now, did he know Janice or no? Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah. That's sweet. Yep.

He knew Janice and our other friend as well. Okay. Yeah. So, which also kind of speaks to, I feel like we had such like a large friend group. Like, we were all close in other ways. Obviously, some closer than others and stuff. But it was, it was like a mini family it felt like for all of us. And so, yeah, I will cherish those relationships forever because they were so, they meant so much to me.

And even still do. I feel like, too, what I learned from my husband was also to live a little bit more carefree. Gage is like my safe space. He's also my best friend. So we're creating our life that we want. We are traveling the world. We are following bands. We're going to music festivals,

which is still what we do. We camp a ton. We just go and try to make the most of everything, I feel like, and that is what we did during, still do today, but during that time too where I was like, mentally need to run away, mentally want to dive into who I am outside of soccer and outside of all of this like heavy grief and everything.

And still be able to live like you're the age that you are. Like you were still young. You know, you still, I think that's the scary thing. And sometimes when things like that happen, it does make us want to shut down and it does cause and create a lot of anxiety. I mean, that's such a normal bodily response. But it is important to still like live life, you know. Yep.

And I feel like that is, that's what I wanted. I didn't want to live with it, like all this grief and stuff in such a negative way. And because my friends died so young and I almost did, I like didn't want to waste any more time. But I also like didn't have the tools to mentally also live with it at the same time. Right. So it was like I had to just divide who I was. So it was like a jaded before and a jaded now. I dove into my career.

And really just like, and that is who I am today. Like I do try to make sure that I'm like making the most of everything because life is not that serious in a lot of ways. But it can be about the right stuff. And so really finding those special moments for me has been huge. Yeah. And like has really helped me decide like who I am to my core and help me. live for my friends too. Right.

And I mean like butterflies are like a huge thing when people visit. And we have so many photos of us camping and butterflies are around or beautiful sunsets and just all of that. So you know our friends are there with us, you know? And I feel like that just speaks to like they want that for everybody too. Yeah. So it's year seven-ish and Gage and I are on a trip. And I've already kind of started thinking about my accident again. Like I can like think about it more.

And I'm like, gosh, I'm starting to think about the 10-year mark too. Because I'm like, that's kind of coming up really fast. And during that trip, I started seeing signs, which was like my lucky number just popping up everywhere. And it was like more than coincidences. And so I was like, okay. Like I think I'm trying to be guided to a place that I need to allow come to me. And so don't think too much of it. I'm like, I don't really know what it means.

24, January of 2024, I made a decision I get certified to be a yoga teacher. So all of that year, I, oh, last year, all of that. last year. I get certified in vinyasa, hossa, and yin yoga. And during the time, I signed up because I kept getting injured at the gym. And so I was like, I'm going to sign up so I know how to exercise my body and like stretch it and stuff. Little did I know what that would have done for me mentally, though. Breath work and just all of the internal pieces that yoga provides. was, I think, led me to here today because I really realized how much I wanted to live with both versions of myself now. And I didn't want to live this like split life. Yeah. Um, because

part of it is like, I want to live true to who I am. So if I'm not living with both, then there's a piece of me missing. Um, but part of it is, like, I want to live true to who I am. Um, so if I'm not living with both, um, But part of it too is like I also want to deepen my connection with the way I live. And in order to do that, I have to start healing. Right. And so I learn all this through breathwork in classes and like all this stuff. I finished my certificate at the end of 2024. And I'm like, oh my gosh. Like this was way more than I signed up for. I started journaling during that too. Started therapy. And now I'm, I feel like I have all these tools and I'm realizing kind of where I'm really at with my journey and where I want to go next mentally. And so I during this time too, like I take all my police reports and I'm like reading through them. And I'm like really doing stuff that I would like not even look at. So what do you think made you want to look through those police reports?

Like, do you think that you needed that as part of your healing journey? Yeah, because I have, I didn't ever, I hadn't ever read them. And I can't remember how, like, I have all this stuff in a big binder and I saw they were there. I was like, I think I'm going to read through these. Like you felt ready at that time. And it's all of like my daughter. doctor's notes and just like what they notated about me and just all of that. And I felt like I had lost so much of that memory too. And so it was good in a way for me to read through what had

happened from another perspective as well. And give me kind of reminder of like, because I felt for so long. I'm like, did it actually happen? Like, it almost doesn't feel real. I have photos and like all this stuff, but like, because I distanced myself for so long, it really didn't feel like it was me. And so reading through those, like, reminded me, like, you did go through this and you should live with it. Like, and it should be a part of you because, like, it's too heavy to not. Yeah. Continue to carry or pretend it didn't happen. And so I think stumbling on those allowed me to kind of walk through that and have that realization with myself of kind of where I was at. Right.

Truly. Yeah. So today I'm here on this podcast, which has been so great. And I'm already trying to think like what do I want to do next to help my healing, but also just deepen connection and stuff. and how can I pair it with yoga and releasing trauma that stays stored in the body and all of that. And I don't know exactly what's next, but maybe some like yoga retreats. I think that would be amazing. And I don't think people realize how, I think that it takes discovering it yourself and trying it to realize how beneficial, you know, breathwork can be and yoga and, you know, meditating.

and everything in between journaling. There's so many outlets that I think are so important and beneficial. You know, I think that the normal things are like, you know, oh, you exercise or you do this. And that's great too, you know, like taking care of your body is amazing. But I don't think people know enough about how amazing it is to just sit in your own thoughts and allow yourself to feel things. And it's not easy and it's painful and it brings up a lot of bad shit a lot of times. but like it's very important to work through those things and to feel everything, feel the good,

feel the bad and everything in between. I think something that you said about kind of living those two different lives within yourself and kind of learning to find a balance, I think that no matter what we go through in life, whether it's like this tragic accident, you know, and losing someone or multiple people or just changing with time, I think that it's, very, can be very scary to shed that old skin, you know, kind of learn to let go of some parts of your old self to become better and become this new version of yourself. And that doesn't mean you're necessarily forgetting anything, but you're just growing. You know, you're growing mentally

and you're growing spiritually and everything in between. And I feel like that could be a really scary process. And I think, too, you know, I'm sure a lot of people can feel this, but time doesn't stop. You know, when something happens when we lose someone, time does keep going. And it's almost like our job to keep remembering these people and cherishing their memory. But I think in a way, it can hold you back at times. It can make you feel like, well, like they're not able to keep going and I'm still going forward. But I don't think that's the case. I think that kind of like what you said, those people that we lose, they really are always there. They're always looking over us. And I think that the best thing that we can do to find joy in that is to recognize those little signs,

like you mentioned, you know, seeing things and making you think of that person or have that memory. And it just brings a smile to your face rather than sitting in sadness and anxiety. And, you know, I'm glad that you touched on all of those things because I don't think people realize, like, a lot of people might just settle with that and, like, live with it. Like, they might just live with the nightmares with the anxiety. it goes to show how important it is to work through it. Of course, when you're ready in your own time. But no one should have to live that way. You know, that's horrible. It's sad. And, you know, I think that in a lot of ways, things happen to us to teach us things and we learn from it and we

grow from it. Not that anything tragic deserves to happen to anyone, obviously. But I think it forces us out of this comfort zone. It forces us to grow. It forces us to break. free from this like entrapment that we might be in with ourselves. And it's interesting because it makes me think like you felt trapped physically in that like halo cage, but you were almost still mentally trapped even after you were out of it. Totally. And I feel like you really had to work to get through that. And you know, I think that the best thing is when these things kind of find you, which it seems like it came to in its own time. But that doesn't ever mean that you didn't put the work in because you have to show up for yourself every day to continue using those tools to keep, you know,

seeing the benefits from them as well. But yeah, I think that there's so many important parts of your story and ways that it could benefit so many people, even if they haven't really necessarily had a tragic event happen, but they're just, they just feel stuck, you know, within their own mind. And I think that those those things are so important to talk about. Yeah. And I do feel like I did need to have those years where I just like boxed it up, put it on a shelf for a while because I was so like stripped of like I had just had no identity. And I needed to go figure out who I was outside of all of that and be able to feel strong and comfortable with who I am today and build a life that I'm so proud of. love and really feel grounded there in order to then to start bringing back through all of this and working through it because it gives me a better foundation to know that I'm safe. I have more control than it felt like I did at once.

And that like it is okay and we should live with both versions. But I did have to go through that journey to figure that out. I don't think I could have, I don't know where I'd be at today, honestly, if I would have gone the opposite way. Anyways. How long did the nightmares last? Oh, I still have them. Really? Yeah.

This year has been one of my worst years I've had in a while. Obviously, I think it's because of everything I've been doing the last two years. But yeah, usually my nightmares usually start happening like in February all the way up until my accident. Yeah, because it's a senior subconscious. It's sitting there. And some years there were less. But yeah, I mean, this year has been horrible. Yeah.

And I think too, you knowing that you're coming here to talk about it, it's like constantly in the back of your mind. Have you ever read any Joe Dispenza books? No. I think you should. Okay. Um, there's a book. It's called Becoming Supernatural by Joda Spence. I always suggested to people.

It is, it changed my life genuinely. It made me view things. It was like one of the biggest steps in my, you know, spirituality and healing journey. And it's very, um, I think it's like a mix of like there's enough science and data in it where it like makes sense because I mean, who doesn't want some form of proof. Totally. And there's, you know, the brain scans and all this stuff and, you know, it basically just says how we are so much more powerful than we think, you know, like our brains,

everything and it talks a lot about meditation. And I just think, and it made me think of it when you said that you were, you know, you did yoga and you got your certificate, right? And all that. Yeah. So I think that if you were interested in somebody like that, I think that that could be a really beneficial thing. I think that it helps you to view things a little differently in the sense of We don't have to accept always how we feel. And 100% how it works is just like when things are on our mind, they're going to be there. That's more prevalent. You're going to have these nightmares, these dreams.

But I think that like a lot of his books I think could help break some of that potentially. So look into his books. He's amazing. And like I've got his courses. I do his meditations. It really, it's something that I just think it makes you view things a little bit different. and it kind of goes back to that control and realizing how powerful like you really are. Totally.

And like your brain is very, very, very powerful. Yeah. But yeah, no, I, like I said to you before too, I think that, and, you know, we never know what the future holds, what our journey holds. But I think that your story goes a very long way for many different reasons. And I think it could really, really help people. and obviously yes that's why you're here but not only just like people that click the video but people that need to hear it might not even know that they need to hear it like whether it's you know

younger people that like I was saying they just don't get it because when you're young you really just don't get it and that's normal that's okay but like even if it helps one person like your story could save a life and that's crazy to think about but it's very true and I just feel like when you're ready for that, that could be like, and you never know, it's always something you could try if you don't like it. You don't have to do it. You know, it's not for everybody. But I do think that it's a huge step being able to come and share your story to a stranger and, you know, go from beginning to end and kind of feel all those emotions. And it's very heavy. I always tell people, it's like a very heavy experience. But at the same time, I think it's like, it's heavy and it can be

draining. But I also think in a way it's therapeutic. It allows you to just like get everything out in one spot and know like, okay, I've told my story and it's like, oh, in this one space, if you want to hear it and I don't want to say it again, here you go. Here's the link, which is like convenient. But, you know, so many people experience loss, experience these tragic events. And I think they're very hard to overcome. As humans, I think we sit in fear and anxiety. I think it's easier to feel that than to like let go and allow ourselves to feel joy and gratitude and, you know, accept the things we can't change. We just, we sit in a lot of fear and sometimes it's very easy to let these things control us and make us not want to do things, make us not want to live our

lives. And it's not, you know, life, like you said, it's not that serious. It is, but it isn't, you know, and it's very short. It's very fragile. And all we can do is keep moving forward in the best way that is, you know, best for us, our mental health and our growth and everything in between. And I just think that there's a way to do that that benefits us and everyone else around us. Totally. And it's hard to navigate that at first. But I think once you start kind of getting the ball rolling, it really does just start coming to you. And I really think that's something that I realize the most about a healing journey and everybody's just so different and so unique. But I think it really finds you. Like, yes, you put the work there and you stick with it. But I think

that it comes to you when you're ready for it. Because you could, I don't think if you're not mentally there, like it doesn't matter what therapy you do, what you do. Like, if you're not ready for it, you're not going to be open to healing. You have to be open and ready to let that light in. But I think that you did an incredible job telling your story, really. And I think that, like I said, I really just, I think you, I really see you helping so many people, like outside of this.

So much to me. So thank you. Of course. And I feel like the biggest thing that's been reoccurring as I've been getting ready for this and just journaling and stuff is I've just really learned that like life, the good and the bad, but life is way too heavy to hold on your own. And it's not meant to be at all. It's meant to be shared and it's meant to be connected.

And I feel like your platform has done that. I mean, I've told you earlier I've been listening. for multiple months now and already feel connected to the stories that I've listened to. So I feel like just yourself speaks to who you are and just giving the floor to be able to have people share their stories really brings connection. Even when connection that can be there without even meeting somebody or talking to them or whatever it may be. And so I am so grateful to be here today. Of course. Thank you.

Of course. I think to it, it gives you a different sense of strength. It's like it's strength that it kind of like makes you find on your own because you hear these stories and you're like, oh, I've felt that or I can relate to that. Like, hmm, if they could share it, I could share it. You know, and that's like why I literally say like if you have, everyone has a story, but if you feel called to do it, come on like you're welcome. But there's in something that you said too, it's like just a little example.

but I've had multiple people come on and when they're sharing stories about losing people that like these people have made comments that day or like that week of like, you know, I'm not going to be here much longer. And it's like you, in those moments, it's weird. It's like how that happens and that overlap. It's almost like they know, but they do they know, you know. And it makes you wonder. But I'm sure, you know, like even if that's just an example to me of like you could have a

completely different story from someone, but you hear that little overlap. you're like, that literally happened to me or I get that. Like, and it's just like you said, I think it creates this community even within yourself to just feel like you're not alone. And I think that, you know, a lot of people aren't social. They don't care to go out, meet people, talk. They don't want to go to therapy. They don't want to be in a group where you have to sit there and listen other people or talk to people. But I feel like it, you know, by having the opportunity to click on a video in your own time and listen to it in your own time. and relate to it, it allows for that community without having to really go anywhere or do anything

or even say anything if you don't want to. So I'm so glad that it encouraged you to share your story and come on here. And I think that you should share it as many times as you can, you know, because I think that everyone needs to hear someone's story. There's always somebody that it really touches and that can relate to it. And you're a great storyteller. And I think, too, like, you're just somebody that you, wear your heart on your sleeve, I feel like. It's very easy to just feel what you feel and feel like

you're right there, you know, throughout your whole thing. So you did amazing. Of course.