We're All Insane - I Watched My Boyfriend Die On Our Family Vacation

Episode Date: December 3, 2024

What started as a relaxing family vacation turned into an unimaginable tragedy. In this deeply personal story, Jessi opens up about the devastating moment her boyfriend passed away in front of her and her family, changing their lives forever. Through her pain, she shares her journey of love, loss, and healing, offering a message of resilience and hope for anyone facing their own heartbreak. Jessi's Link: TikTok is jessismith_88 If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Business Inquiries please contact: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. So my name is Jesse. I am 26 years old and five years ago this July. My ex-boyfriend passed away while we were on family vacation. I'll kind of start with who he was a little bit and like my kind of disclaimer, I guess, for part of the reason why I wanted to come on here and talk about it, especially because back home and I feel like his hometown, people have kind of been waiting for what's happened.

So I think a lot of it is going to help give some people closure. I know his mom. I confirmed with his family that this was okay. and his mom was like, yes, like, I wanted to ask you, but, you know, that's hard for someone who wasn't there to ask someone who was. So that, and I feel like nowadays, unfortunately, unfortunately, we lose a lot of young people, whether it's accidents or drugs or alcohol or suicide, unfortunately, whatever have you. I feel like a lot of young people go through loss a little too early nowadays, and that one hits home for me. His name was Alex. Alex.

Fitchett. He is actually from about four hours from where I am from. So kind of how he got there is when he was home, he fell into a group of not the greatest people. He was just partying a lot, drinking a lot, not in the healthiest of mindsets, places, et cetera. And it kind of got to the point where his mom was like, you know, we've tried to do so much for you already. Like, you need to take the next step. Like, we're not going to send you to a place. And then it just kind of blow. back in our face again. So he actually made the decision to go to essentially like a halfway halfway halfway house in the town where I'm from. There's actually a lot of them in the more historic part of our town. There's a lot of halfway halfway halfway house is a lot of sober living

places like that. So we met on Tinder. I will never judge anyone for meeting anybody off of any dating websites. Yeah, exactly. So we met on Tinder. We were 20. And, and we were never judge anyone. And it was, like, we started messaging. Like I said, he lived in my town. He did not have a car here because he had moved up just like a few months before we had met. So I picked him up. We had our first date. And it was great.

Like, we were like best friends. I'll kind of revert back to my now fiance, my now fiance. But I always say that like when I started dating again after the accident, like, I always say that Alex set the standard for like, when you know, you know kind of thing. When I met someone that I knew was going to be good for me, good for, you know, everything that I came with, I just knew, like that feeling when you know, you know. So we had our date. That summer, we were only together for a couple months before the accident happened. And it's almost like sometimes I say God or higher power, whoever you may believe in, you, that that was his last summer. Because it was just like a great summer.

We did all kinds of fun things. We went to this really cool waterfall, probably like four hours. hours from my house and had professional pictures taken. And that was just like a cool experience in itself. And the waterfall is like massive. So it was just like, it was just a cool experience really to have with anyone, but to have that summer note like not knowing what was going to happen. It was, it was perfect. So I had met his mom once. I had never met the rest of his family before the accident. His mom came up once. You will hear me refer to her not a lot. Her name is Nina. And she has become like a best friend. We are still so very close. But the first time I ever met her, she came up into town

and we went and got food or whatever. And that day is actually when he asked me to be his girlfriend. He had taken his mom into the Walmart and made a dog tag because I was working at the animal hospital. And he made a dog tag asking, you know, will you be my girlfriend? And we went to my sisters later that day for lunch. And he put it on her dog. So we're all sitting around and, you know, I'm loving on Willow and, you know, I see the dog tag. It's creative. Yeah, it was very creative. That many people were like that anymore. Yeah. When we had gone to the waterfall, it was funny, it was in the middle of nowhere.

Like, I'm talking mountains of West Virginia. We just so happened to find a Walmart. And he had gone in there and there was no dog tag machines. And he like, wouldn't let me go in with him. And I was like, what in the world? I was like, we're in the middle of nowhere. What can you not let me go in? So it was cool that he got to do that with his mom. He was very, very big on his hometown, I'm very big on family. His mom was very important to him. I mean, like I said, his whole family was, but he called his mom all the time.

Like, I had talked to Nina on the phone before I'd even met her. And his hometown's very small. Everyone kind of, I don't want to say everyone knows each other, but ball, like baseball is big down there. And Alex was very good at baseball. Like, had played since he was little. His siblings played. His family actually runs a league.

And they ran it before the accident. but now a lot of it is in his memoriam. And they've just done a lot of things in his name with ball. So it was big down there where he was from. And, you know, I got to watch him play ball one time before the accident. So, but his mom, his dad, you know, he always said he was going to work for his dad. His dad ran has like a little coaching thing set up at their house. They have a building where they coach the kids in the area that play in their league too.

So he always talked about how he was going to work with his dad, you know. He has a little brother who is now 17. And he, he, my, I have a son and he loves him. And it's just funny to watch him grow as well. And then he has a little sister who is, I believe, 23. We were very close. He loved her. He, I mean, that's his little sister.

So kind of just to put in context. And his dad, like I said, of course. So just kind of put in context, his family dynamic. Kind of like getting into like our life. before like right before the accident like as we were together. Alex ended up having to leave his halfway house. It wasn't even like his fault. It was there was a bill that all the guys were putting on him and he,

it wasn't his fault. So he ended up moving out and he moved in with me and my parents. And so he stayed there for, you know, I guess like a month or so before all this happened. And then we had gone, so like he had the place where the accident had happened. And we've actually gone before. it's a four-wheeler park. Like an ATV park, they have trails all through the mountains, and it's a beautiful place. It's called Mountain Ridge ATV Park.

It's in Pennsylvania. And they have windmills. It's also a giant windmill farm. So they have these massive windmills, like, all over the place. Like, you can camp at the bottom of these windmills. And we had actually gone there previously for my 21st birthday. So, and it's just a really cool place. He loved it there.

So he got to, like, experience that while he lived with us. And I got to experience that with him. We actually got my puppy. the right before, or I got him right before we got together. So he kind of got to help train my puppy with me. So he wasn't moved in for very long, but it was like we got to do a lot of cool stuff together as if he had been there for a while.

He actually met my whole family on Father's Day. I took him over to my aunt's house. The whole family was there. Everyone loved him. It was a really great evening. So like my whole family had met him at this point by the accident. He had left like a huge mark on all of us. He was one of those people that's like very goofy, very like,

bright and happy. He just, he was, he was a hoot. He was quite the character. And I feel like time too is just, it depends on who comes into your life and who you meet. Oh, for sure. There can be some people where you meet them and you could be with them for five years and it feels like you still are miles apart. Oh, absolutely. And within months, it feels like there are your other half. So, you know what I mean? Yeah. And once I get into like kind of talking about after the accident, especially dating and stuff, like you realize that really fast. Like, like, you realize that really fast. I said with him, like you know and you know, but especially when you have trauma like that, you can be with someone and it's just not there. So it was really cool to like see him meet my family

and everyone immediately be like super accepting, super like, oh, this guy's so fun. And he was. He was a really happy guy. He got very close with like my whole family essentially. Let me see. Okay. So we had actually, we were supposed to go on a beach trip. I think that, August after the accident. Haven in July. So it was like the August after, not too long after. So we had that planned and everything. And we were like super ready.

The trip of the accident, it was me, and these are the people that were there that night as well. So it was me and my dad, my middle sister, my two nephews, who were roughly like eight and seven or six at the time. Two of our really good family friends. and then one of my dad's good friends and I think that basically cover was everyone so we had obviously like drove separate like we all rode separately up there we had the trailers with like full wheelers

and their bikes and stuff on the back we get there and it like I said it's almost like someone knew that it was just like his last evening his last because it was the prettiest evening like the sunset was unreal there's a big thing like

with me and his mom and his sister there are honestly a lot of people. We look for him in sunsets. Like sunsets are a big thing to us. But the sunset that evening was just like incredible. And we're at this ATV park that's literally sitting on top of a mountain ridge. The view is insane. So we get there. We're setting up camp, which is like, you know, the tents. We had campers. We had to unload like all the foot wheelers and stuff. And one story I love from that night is we had a weed eater. And because it was just like the grass was kind of grown up around where we were going to camp. And we didn't have any fuel for it. So Alex was like, well, I'll go over to the next camper and like ask if they have anything. And he just

ended up sitting over there talking to those people for like 10 minutes. Like he was just one of those people. He was so kind and like the people were just talking to him. He's dated a long way. Yeah. Yeah. And so he, there's a picture of him actually weed eating that evening and you can see the sunset behind him. It was so pretty. It was so perfect. We were playing cornhole. We had a taco bar that night. It was a really great evening. So we were playing cornhole that evening and me and my dad got in some dumb little argument. I was like, whatever. I'm going to go in the tent. I'm going to go to bed. I told Alex, I was like, I'll just see you when you come in the tent. So I go inside. I go in the tent and I lay down and I go to sleep. I don't really know what time it was.

But in the middle of the night, I hear my dad's friend banging the two other good friends that came with us. My dad's friend is banging on their camper door. And I'm in a tent. And then my nephews are, the tent's kind of like split in half. So like one half of it is me and Alex's air mattress. And then the other half has my nephews and like my sister. So I wake up and I'm thinking he's like been drinking and he's just being stupid. And I'm like, what is going on?

and he goes jesse Alex wreck the full wheeler and he's not doing very well and so you know I'm immediately like oh my god and we are kind of like on the the back I guess you could say the back side of this like ridge so you can see like across like you can see the field in front of you and like a bunch of people was like campers and stuff and so my sister my sister comes out of the tent she's older than I am and she's like what's going on and I was like Alex wreck the fooiler I don't know what else is going on. So we hop on one of the four wheelers that is like parked there. And it's nighttime. It's night time. It's night time. Sorry, it is nighttime. It's like middle of the night. Okay. I don't know why something is telling me that it was like 2 a.m or like close to 4 a.m.

Like in between that. And you, when you went to bed, it was dark out. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So we had like stayed out. We were just playing and, so really I don't know what like how long it had been. Yeah. So me and my sister hop on the other four wheeler that's like parked at the campsite. And we can see, like you can see lights, you can see the ambulances. You can't really see what's going on, but you can see them like across the way. And so we just kind of ride off that direction on the four-wheeler. And once I got close enough to see what was going on, it's like I didn't even want to drive any further. I just like stopped the four-wheeler and we got off and we ran.

Well, my sister ended up like spraining her ankle. I had no idea because I was like so focused and I was, I just ran. So she ended up like hurting her ankle. So I don't know if she ended up kind of just staying behind or, but I got close enough to where I could kind of see what was going on. And this lady, I don't know why. I think of this lady very often, this lady. And I think she was in onesy pajama set, but she grabbed me.

Like I was running up there and she just grabbed me and she wrapped her arms around me. And I'm screaming. And she's like, is that your boyfriend? And I said, yeah. And she said, honey, I need you to stay right here. and I'm screaming and just trying to get away from her, but I think her dearly for ever since, like I said, I think about her often.

So I think her dearly for that. But all I can see is Alex is like laying, he's on his back, and he's laying in the gravel. There are like an ambulance there, like EMT is there, but other than that, there's really no one there. I mean, it's not like in the middle of nowhere, but kind of. Yeah, I was going to say, like, I wonder how long, Do you know how long it was between the accident and then how long it took them to get?

I don't. So my dad, plus his heart, is literally performing CPR on him with the EMTs. And we, you know, later on found out like it was instant. Like whatever happened, it was instant. Like he didn't suffer anything, thankfully. But there was nothing anyone could do. I'm kind of, like I said, I mean, I'm not thankful for that. but at the same time, like, I can't imagine if my dad were there and he were suffering.

He didn't have a helmet on at the time he wasn't drinking. Everyone, you know, is so quick to be like, oh, my gosh, he was drunk. He was, you know, being reckless driving through. But the other people that were outside said that, like, they had no idea what happened. Like, they didn't hear someone flying through on a full wheeler. They didn't see anything crazy. So, like, what we can think happened at this point is him and my dad, like, I knew him and my dad had gone to another. They went to like another campsite just to like talk to friends or whatever.

And Alex had left before my dad. And he was on my dad's friend that came. He was on his dad's, a four-wheeler that we brought. And he had left the other campsite and he was coming back to our campsite. He just didn't make it there. So there was a really big pothole. And he was probably 10 feet from the four-wheeler. So there was a really big potholeole kind of nearby, and his hat was gone.

Like he always wore a hat. And his hat was like another direction. So what we are telling ourselves, or the only thing we can think of, is like, his hat blew off when he was coming back. And when he hit the brakes, maybe he hit that pothole or something or hit them too hard and just, came off. And I don't know if the helmet would have helped him. I don't know if the helmet would have saved him. I don't know. Like I said, we don't know what happened, but it was his neck that essentially did it. So I could see him laying there. I saw my dad. There's tons of cops. I mean, there's cops up there. I eventually, I think, I don't even know, eventually I think one of the

cops walked over to me. I was with this lady. And she was just holding me. This lady is holding me with both arms around me and she's just like trying to comfort me because I'm just screaming. I'm sobbing, you know. I just keep saying you have to be okay. It's like that. I just remember screaming that. I was like, he has to be okay. And so I think another cop came over and like pulled me to the side. My mom at this time is with EMTs herself. Her blood pressure, she was essentially like having a heart attack. She wasn't having a heart attack, but that's what they were scared was going to happen because of her blood pressure and things, which being a parent now, I mean, even from the time of, like, I can understand, like, I'm sure, you know, to have someone else's kid, like,

with you and then something like this happened. And so she is panicking. The cops are trying to ask me questions because, like, no one else, they can't really talk to anyone else. So they're trying to ask me things like where he lives and, like, where, like, what happened and why he was here and I didn't know his mom's exact address. I didn't know. I was just like he's not from here. He lives like four hours, four or five hours away. I called his mom, I think, 14 times in a row.

And she didn't answer because it was, you know, middle of the night. I don't even remember why. I think she said that her phone was like in the kitchen or something. But she didn't answer and I'm so glad she didn't because the cops were like, she doesn't need to hear this from you. It's not, it's going to make things worse. if you call her and you're, you know, a mess. And he said, just let us talk to his mom.

So I remember they pulled out a sheet. And they tried to hang the sheet up to like block what was going on. But there were so many lights that like you can see shadows. Like you could see. And I wasn't stupid. Like I kind of knew. And then they brought it out another white sheet. And I think when they brought the second white sheet out is when I was like,

oh my gosh, like, he's gone. Like, this is, and I remember it felt so much like a dream. It felt so much like a movie. Like, what do you see these things happened in movies? And you're like, but that's exactly how it was. You know, there's EMTs everywhere. There's cops everywhere. There's lights.

And then just like this tragedy in front of you that you're like, this only happens in movies. This cannot be happening to me. So I don't even. I remember, like, I went back to our campsite eventually. And it's weird because, like, most people are, like, you know, I can't sleep. Like, I don't want to go to sleep. For me, it was the opposite.

It was, like, if I went to sleep, like, it wasn't happening. I wasn't there. I wasn't experiencing it. So I went back to the campsite. And my nephews at the time, I think my oldest nephew, it's still really has affected. I mean, he's 16th now. But I think about him often because, like, he was old enough to, understand. And I mean, so was my youngest nephew, but they were at the tent. And all that we told

them for like the time being was, you know, Alex Wreck the full wheeler. He's going to the hospital. So I went back in the tent and I laid down in the air mattress and I just closed my eyes. I was like I can't, like I feel like I almost remember in my head thinking like, am I wrong for going to sleep right now? Because it was just like, I can't believe that just happened. And, you know, you hear, like I said, you hear people say all the time, like you can't sleep. I couldn't sleep. And so my oldest sister, my middle sister was on the trip with me, my oldest sister, who was the mom of my two nephews that were with me, she drove up to pick me up because like obviously not everyone could pack up and go because we had the trailers, we had the tents, we had the whole camp set up.

So she, her and my brother-in-law came and they picked me up. And it was like daylight by the time they picked me up. So that's why I think that like it was later in the morning or earlier in the morning, later in the night, whatever, when it happened, because I knew it wasn't too long before I went back to the tent and Ashley had picked me up my oldest sister. And I just remember taking a pillow and I just laid down in the back seat of her car. And thankfully, she had lived closer than we did. And she asked me, she said, do you want me to take you home or do you to go back to my house and I said I cannot go home because you know Alex had just I was like I'm going to walk into the basement which is where we stayed and I was like I can't do that I said I can't go down there

so they took me to her house and like I said I think I just went to sleep um and then eventually they that same day they took me they took me home um once my like the rest of my family got home They took me home. And I remember walking into the basement after we got there. And I just, like, lost it. I was like, all of his stuff is still here. It's literally like, we never left. Like, it's, and we had a couch down there. And I sat down on the couch and I just went to sleep. I grabbed one of his shirts that he had, one of his jerseys. And I just curled up with it and I went to sleep on the couch. And I woke up the next, like, morning or so. Or no, I guess it was just later that evening. It was later that day. and I went upstairs and I walked outside and my aunt was there.

I know my aunt was there with my mom and they were sitting on the porch. And I walked out the door and I just started sobbing. Like I just, I lost it. And so I like walked upstairs. I was essentially just checking on everyone and I had to go back downstairs. I was like, I got to go back to sleep. And so when I woke back up, I went upstairs and my dad was sitting in our dining room and I was like, where is everyone?

And he's like, your mom had to go to the hospital. because she thought she was having a heart attack. And Sam, which is my middle sister that was there, had to go for her ankle. So I was like, I need to be there. I was like, I need to be at the hospital right now. So my dad couldn't drive because he, you know, he was just as traumatized at the time as we all were.

I mean, he was right there. So my aunt and my uncle came in and they picked me up. They took me to the hospital to see my mom. And she was fine. But, I mean, like I said, her blood pressure, she was just as stressed as we. all were and my sister's ankle ended up being fine. But I remember I was sitting on the bench outside the hospital and I had, that was like the first time I talked to Nina since the accident. And I just,

I remember I apologized to her so many times and she said, you cannot apologize. She said he was the happiest when he was with you. He was the happiest this whole summer. Like, he died in a way that, not that he would have wanted, but he was happy where he was. He was happy where he was he was doing something that he loved to do on like writing the four wheelers and stuff and she was like you have got stuff apologizing she said if anything you guys saved him she said you saved him she said he came up there to get a better life and that's exactly what you gave him regardless of how long it was and she she's just the sweetest lady like i just remember being so scared because i was like if he had never met me this and never happened and she was just so kind and she is that's just how she is she's like

one of those people that's naturally just one of those super kind people like you can tell as soon as you meet them. So after I called her, my good friend at the time, Joey, he called me and we hadn't talked in months. And he was like, I just came back from being out of town and everyone is calling me and texting me. I had made like a little tribute video and I made a little post. And I remember getting home and telling my friend that we weren't going to be able to go on the beach trip. And this is the second beach trip I had to miss. And I remember she was like, why? Like, oh my gosh.

And then I told her and she was like, you're kidding. Like, that's not real. And so I had, you know, I had to cancel that. And so my friend Joey called and he's like, all these people are calling me. They're texting me. They're asking like, what happened if I've talked to you? And I'm like, I can't go home. I was like, I cannot go home.

Can you come pick me up? And bless his heart, he did. He came in and he picked me up. And he took me back to his house. And I slept there. for like two days. And I remember he just left me there. Like, he left me alone.

I remember he called my mom and be like, should I wake her up? Should I check on her? And my mom's like, no. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder? Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal,

the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe. In Apple Podcasts, Spotify or at Americancriminal.com. Just let her, just let her be. Just let her get it out.

And then eventually he took me home and I was like, I've got to go down to Saluda. I've got to go see his mom. Saluta's where they're from. I was like, I've got to go see Nina. So I had never been to his hometown. I had literally only met Nina once. I had never met his siblings,

never met any of his other family, never met any of his friends. So me and my mom, I think in my sister, drove down there. Yeah, it was me. It was just us three. And we drove down there for like a couple days just so I could like, just so I could be there. And I remember I couldn't even get out of the, couldn't even get out of the truck when we got there because I was like, this is so wrong. Like he, he was supposed to bring me here for the first time. Like all these places he's been like he's supposed to show me. And I remember we would get closer on the drive. And all I could think of is he's drove through here before. He should be here. As I got closer, I could just, the urge for like how wrong to me it felt for me to be there

without him. I don't know if it was because it's the first time I'd ever been there. But so when we pulled into his mom's driveway, like I couldn't even get out. I just sat there and I just sobbed. And she came to the truck door and she just hung me. She just hugged me and we cried and I just kept apologizing. I just remember she would just. I just remember she would say stop, like stop saying sorry. Like, you did us so much better than you did him any harm. So then I obviously met his sister, his little sister and his little brother for the first time. And when I tell you, everyone down there was so welcoming and supportive, I really don't think

that I could have gotten through, especially at the beginning stages, if they weren't. It's insane how welcoming everyone was. His friends were messaging me. his ex-girlfriends would message me and be like, thank you so much. Like you gave him so much happiness. Like you did so much good for him. And it was just, it was nuts because like obviously I'd never been through something like this, but the fact that people were so supportive.

And but in my head, I'm like, this is all my fault. So we stayed down there for a few days and then I ended up coming back and I was like, I've got to go back down there. I said, I can't, I don't want to be home. I said and I need to be like with Nina. And my parents were, I felt bad for leaving my parents, but they were kind of like, you need to do what's going to be best for you right now. And I mean, that was like hard, but at the same time I was like, I know I need to be down there.

So I went down there before his memorial. And I will never forget the, when me and my mom and my sister went down the first time, one of like the hardest I think parts of all of this was his parents pulled me to the side or they pulled me and my mom and my sister they pulled us out to like the the little like training building they had and they were like we had to go confirm that it was him and they were like I don't know how you're going to feel about this but like we just wanted to show you how good he looked and that he was taking care of and and I remember they showed me the picture and he looked so, like, peaceful.

Like, he was fine. Like, nothing ever happened. And I remember just, like, falling to the floor. Like, I just couldn't, like, I just, I could not. And my mom and my sister, you know, they're hugging me. We're all crying. We're all, like, sitting on the floor in this essentially, like, giant, indoor batting cage.

And I was just sobbing because I was like, he doesn't look like anything should be wrong. At the same time, they shouldn't have had to even go do that. I was, you know, that's their 20-year-old, 21-year-old son. And I'll never forget that part. And so it was just like for them to consider me that much. And, you know, they asked me, they said, you know, if you want to see it, that's fine. You can tell us no, too.

You know, they just, they wanted me to know that he was, like, at peace, like, he looked peaceful. So we went back down for the memorial. And I actually ended up staying there for like a month. My job at the time, the animal hospital I worked at was, you know, take your time, do what you got to do. Like, you know, they kind of knew that it was, they had actually met Alex too. So they knew, you know, how excited I was about him and the whole thing.

And so we go down for the memorial and he, like I said, he was really big into baseball. And he was so good. He was so good at it. And so they did his memorial on the ball field that he played at the most. And I had a whole thing written and I was like, I'm going to say it. Like, I'm going to read it. you know, he would appreciate that if I got up there and read it. And I am so glad to the day that I didn't try to go up there and read it. The pastor actually read it. But there was so

many people. There were so many people. They ended up like filling the stands and having to go out onto the field. My family came down. Like there was tons of people. And I remember standing outside of the ball fields. And I like had almost like a anxiety attack because I was like all these people are here because of him. And I was like, if he had never met me, none of this would happen. They wouldn't have lost him. Like, all these people wouldn't be here and they wouldn't be so sad. And I just remember losing it behind the stands.

And his, like, grandma, his cousin, like, everyone was like, no, you can't blame yourself for any of this. And so during, like, the surface, it was beautiful. Like, the weather was beautiful. Like, I can't. It was perfect. But all of his, like everyone he loved was there, like all of his friends from down there, friends from up in, you know, Winchester, like everyone was there.

And we were sitting like the way the stands were, are there kind of like enclosed. They're like enclosed wooden ball stands. Like it's an old. And so the pastor and everybody was out in the middle of the field. And then all the guests and stuff were in the stands. And we were sitting right in the middle. We essentially had like the best seats or whatever front row. And I was just sobbing.

the whole time and it would be like quiet and I was just uncontrollably sobbing like I could not get it together and I was like there's no way I couldn't went out there and read that but it was just nuts to see like people were hugging me in the we went to a church afterward just to kind to do like a you know me like hug the family like show your respects type thing and like I was in that family lineup they had me up there and people were just coming through the line hugging me Like, I was, like, one of his family members. And, you know, it was just really, it was really wholesome to see that people were like, he was just her girlfriend.

And it was people saying, you know, you could tell, like, how much he wanted to be with you and how much he was supposed to be with you. I think that's why people were so, you know, inclusive. So I stayed in Saluda for, like a month. And it was very much needed. His mom, like I said, has become like my best friend. We still see each other as often as we can. I've never gone through something like that.

The only family member I had ever lost was my grandfather. I mean, I wasn't younger at the time, but like, you know, that's something you can see coming. Like, he was sick, so we kind of knew it was coming. It's very traumatic. Yeah. So I was very surprisingly, like, proactive with my grief. I was, to me, I was like, you know, living for him. I had a lot to give to him, and I knew in my mind that if I were to just let the grief eat me

alive, like he would not want that. And I wanted to let the grief eat me alive, but I'm like, you know, he wouldn't want that. So in my mind, I was living for him. I got, you know, tattoos in his honor. The one on my wrist is the same one he had. He got it at his friend's house, and I went back to his friend's house and got it in the same spot. But it was different grieving a partner in the sense that the, I guess, I don't even know. Like, the people that weren't supportive were in a way like, why are you still so upset about this?

Like, I remember when I got my tattoo, all it says is like AC. It says, I love you more AC and it's a rose with the baseball leases. And I will never forget my tattoo artist telling me, are you sure you want to get this? like what is your future husband going to think of this? What is your future boyfriend going to think of this? Like how are you going to find someone? You know, you have a quote saying you love someone on your arm. And I'm like, that's a big part of who I am.

You know, his family to this day is still essentially part of my, like I'm part of their family too. And I was like, whoever I find, I'm not like is going to be someone who's going to accept that and who it's not going to be a problem for. So I don't really care what other people think of it. that's how I'm going to know I've found someone who's right for me is who like accepts it. And it's not a problem for them. And he was just like so blown by that.

Grieving, I guess in another way, like grieving a partner. You know, people expect you to move on so fast, which is so weird. I mean, me and Alex did not get a very long time together. But I'm because of that, I'm one of those people. Like time means nothing. Like you said earlier, you can be with someone for five years and feel a lot. more closer to someone in a month. Before Alex, my past relationship was extremely abusive. So that's kind of why I held him to a standard. I was like, this is how I'm supposed to be treated. Like,

this is. So you do deal with like a lot of people being like, why having you move on? You know, guys would message me and be like, it's been two months. Like, why are you still so upset over someone you were only with for like this amount of time? And I'm like, why do you think that that is going to make me want to like, you know, hang out with you or anything. Well, the thing is, too, is, I mean, there's so many obvious points of, like, why somebody would be grieving and everybody grieves differently. But also, like I said, what happened was very traumatic. Yeah.

And it's a, first of all, I mean, any death is traumatic and is a tragedy. But, like, especially being that young, you know, and having to experience it the way you did and your family did and, you know, and, I mean, I feel like I can't say enough time. It has nothing to do with it. Right. You know what I mean? And I think, too, it's just there's kind of what you said about the tattoo artist. I agree with you.

Anyone that is a huge part of your life and anyone that would have a problem with that, they have problems within themselves. Right. It just doesn't make sense. Even if that was, it doesn't matter who he was to you, whatever's your friend or your boyfriend or just a guy you met on the street. If you want to get a tattoo in honor of someone. And members for them.

Yeah. But everybody has different takes on things. Yeah. I remember I had, like I said, my ex was super abusive. He was crazy. And a big issue I had with him is different numbers would text me. He texts me off different numbers. And I will never forget him messaging me while I was in Saluda,

talking about how the best thing that ever happened to me will or has already has, and that was losing Alex. And like, he was just saying all this nasty crap. And I'm just like, I don't understand. So honestly, it was hard for me grieving in a sense of like, in my mind, like, I don't really care. I'm going to take however long I need. I'm going to do what I need. But it's super frustrating that all these people think, you know, you don't have a right to be grieving like for this long because you guys weren't together for that long.

You know, everybody wants to have an opinion. Right. And it's because they're miserable. And, you know, unfortunately for some people, they aren't getting the attention so that they have to put that on something. somebody else make other people feel bad. Yeah. So once like I kind of got to the point where I was like, I don't even care. Like I don't, I'm going to do.

I did. I was very proactive with my grief. And I think that's part of the reason me and Nina helped each other so much was because she's kind of the same way. But I would, you know, I would post things like about him. Like I did whatever I needed to. I didn't really care. But my thing was like driving.

We were always driving somewhere. So I went, took a good bit of time to myself. And I was just like, you know, I'd go on drives and I'd just listen to music and I'd just take in a nice day. So I was, like, pretty proactive in my grieving. I wish I could say the same for, like, some of my family members. But I get, like, you know, that was really tough. I know it was really hard on my parents. And to this day, it's so hard on them and I hate that for them.

I think part of, you know, in my grieving, too, you want to be okay for your parents because I know that that was, I know that was hard for them to watch me go through that. My mom actually kind of went through the same thing. When she was younger, she lost her boyfriend after he had just came to see her. So she had kind of been through that same thing. So I think it really hurt her to watch me have to go through that as well. And then, you know, my dad, like I said, he was there. He was right there.

And my dad was drinking that night. And he stopped drinking cold turkey, like after that, has not had a sip of alcohol. ha sense, only drinks water. They know I'm okay, like they know I do okay, but now it's almost like reverse where I just, you know, I want to watch them heal. Like I want to see them heal. And like my sister that was there, um, she, we were really close. I mean, we still are really close after, but we were, we were really close like right after. And we did a lot of things like together too. And she was there for like the waterfall experience when we went and had pictures done. So it's really I mean, it was tough for all of us, but I think, like, my whole family still to this day will

remember him for the rest of our lives, obviously. But that year after that accident, we actually ended up having, like, a benefit softball tournament. We had one up here, and we donated the proceeds to the baseball league that his parents run. And that has become, we did two of them up here, and now they all happen, like, down in his hometown. It was actually just this past October. And I think, I mean, this has been five years. So this, I think was the third or fourth one down there. we just we still we keep him alive and everything and i just actually posted a video about how you know my fiance is so involved um with me and like my grief journey and like my his family Alex's family and things and um people are so blown by that and i remember someone saying it was a death not a divorce like that's not

something that you just move on like you didn't leave that relationship because you wanted to you left it because you didn't he was just taken from you yeah but i really liked that quote it was a death not a divorce no heartstrings were torn. Like he didn't make me mad. I didn't leave him. Like he was taken from me. The past or like the first year after the accident was, I mean, it was a lot of finding myself too because I feel like when it happened, like I was super content, super happy.

You're also very young. Yeah. I had just turned 21 that summer. He was with me my 21st birthday, yeah. And so it was just like, oh my gosh. Like I'm 21. And, you know, this guy like coming out of an abusive relationship into the, this relationship and like, what the heck you was just taking from me. So it was tough. Like I kind of just

stayed. I mean, I stayed to myself in the sense of like I just, you know, I actually ended up taking time off of work because I was just like I can't, I can't, I need to focus on healing. And a family friend of ours, like I helped him out with his business and that was just like my income for the time. But I also like house and farm sat and I would just, I would drive back and forth to all these places. I was like house sitting or stuff. And, you know, I didn't even care how far apart they were. I was just like I would drive and, you know, that was my, that was my time to take to myself. And I do think that helps. So I do want to kind of talk about his mom for a minute because she has been an angel in this whole thing. Miss Nina Lee, when you hear this, you're

probably going to sob, but that's okay, me too. She has, like I said, she's one of those people that's just like the kindness souls. She owns her own salon and every time she is always, my go, like I never want anyone to touch my hair unless it's Nina. But she tells me all the time that having me is like having a piece of him still here because I was, you know, one of the last things that he loved. So it's like, and he still would have loved. Um, so she loves, she tells me all the time. It's like a breath of fresh air when you're here. And I have talked to her essentially almost every single day since, like I said, we see each other whenever we can. Um, She lives a few hours away, but we try to make like a trip like once a month or so.

And she has just like in a sense been like another mom in this, in this whole thing. She's gotten me through a lot of it because in my mind, you know, I just like her son is gone. Her first born son and again, in her mind it's not because of me, but in my mind it is. I'm the woman that he had met that he had just loved, you know, prior to. And now he's gone because he's gone because he. was with me. So for her to be, like, so accepting and to see me in a totally different light, like, I could

never think her enough for that. I really couldn't. And, you know, she, I know she's had so many questions about this. And we had talked about it, like, right after the accident. But she had told me, she said, you know, there's a lot of details I don't remember. And she's like, I never wanted to ask you again, because you don't want to do that. You don't want to ask someone. So, like, I really hope this is able to give her some closure.

But I just, I wanted to talk about her because I had to. to think her. Like she is, like I said, one of the people that got me through this and she's been like a best friend and she deserves so much. She really does. She does a lot for her family. And Alex always told me that. He always preached about his mom and how much of an angel she is. And, you know, sometimes you hear guys rant about their mom and you're like, oh my gosh, what is this lady going to be like? But Nina is literally the nicest person and the night of the accident. Alex's last phone call was to her. And I have a video of him, like, on the phone with her and the sunsets in the background. And it's just beautiful. And I'm so glad that he was so close with her and got to call her that

night because she got to hear him before he left. And I'm so thankful that she got that. And now that I'm like, you know, I have a fiancé. I have a son. She loves him, them, both of them, as much as I do. You know, she, you know, Preston, my son is like, that's, you know, that's a like another one of her littles and you know she welcomes will into her house and her family with the warmest arms and she loves will for loving me and being so supportive of all this and she's just an a one lady so yeah i still i still see his family pretty regularly i mean i wouldn't say regularly but considering you know the distance and then dating after the accident was like i said it was an experience you had so many negative people um and then i was with you said like we talked about

time, you know, I was with someone and it was my first serious relationship since Alex. And it was like, I just need to, you know, six months in and we were talking about moving in together because he had just bought a house and I was like, something is just, I just need space. Like, as my first serious relationship, I think it was kind of since him, I was like kind of, you know, overwhelmed. And he also, it's not that he wasn't supportive of the situation, but like when I told him that it was bothering me or he almost took it like defensively as like oh she's missing her ex like she's you know this is it regardless so then a couple a few months after that i met my now fiancee um and when i tell you signs are a thing anytime you need a sign from someone like honestly just asked for it because i remember thinking like

I'm never going to get that feeling again. Like, I'm never going to meet someone else that, like, I know. And, like, me and Alex, we were, like, best friends. Like, it's, I was like, I'm never gonna, that's not going to come around again. And so, especially because I was like, I thought I just found that. It was definitely wasn't it. I just knew something was off. So a couple months later, I met my fiance will. And it was weird because, like, we had met online. And we were still talking. Like, we hadn't even. And he worked for a company putting in generators and, like, propane tank, stuff like that. And he had texted me one day while I was at work. And I knew they had a branch, ironically, the job that he worked for in like Northern Virginia, or kind of Northern Virginia-ish,

had an office down literally 10 minutes from Alex's mom's house. So he had texted me and he was like, oh, I'm going to work in like, you know, this place this weekend. Like I just thought, I was like, it was funny. I'd just let you know. So I was like, oh, yeah, what a coincidence. A couple hours later, he texts me and he says, what's Alex his last name? And I told him, and he was at Alex's nanny's house. You know, however many, I think he was like three hours away at the time putting in her generator. And he had seen like the memorial sticker on the back of her car and was like, wait a minute. And he had said something to the other guys he was working with. And he was like, yeah, like Alex Fitchett, like, we know him around here. You know, this is his nanny's house. These are his, you know, stopping, stomping grounds. So. And so we had that one. And then like, I mean, just like other little signs, but Will's birthday is literally the day for mine. We, his mom's birthday is the same, or Alex's mom's birthday is the same day as Will's dad's birthday. And Will's dad has passed when he was 16. So he's like a big figure in our life.

So that was cool. Our son's due date, original due date was actually Alex's birthday. So there are just things. And when I met well, you know, like I said, Alex gave me that standard. and people are always like, how do you not compare him? Like, how do you, like, how does he not feel compared? Um, and I've learned, you know, regardless of how long it has been, I mean, he met me at this point, two and a half years, three years after the accident. But regardless of how long it has been since the accident, whether it's been 10 years, 15 years, I was very, you know, open about that. And I feel like anyone should be.

You know, if it's something that's still, like you're still healing from, I feel like you should be very open from that. And, you know, from the beginning, he was just like, that, like, that's awful. Like, I am so sorry to hear that, you know, he was never, like, judgmental or sought in any kind of weird light. But people are like, don't you, like, compare them? And I'm like, no. They're two totally different people that I, you know, they have similarities, like personality traits and things like that. But that's just, like, the kind of traits I'm attracted to, like the goofiness, the outgoingness, you know, things like that.

But I've loved them in two, they're two completely different people. So I've loved them for completely different reasons. I think it can be very challenging for people that I'm sure, like you know this and a lot of people know this, but you know, not a lot of people get lucky enough to find somebody that they really just connect with. Some people go their whole lives and they never find that. They just settle or they don't even, they're not found enough within themselves to even have that kind of relationship. So I think that people ask these questions because they genuinely don't know. but I think for somebody that gets it, it's very simply understood. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I get it without you even having to explain it. You know, and I think that that being said, kind of going back to the negative people as well in your life, which you know this. But like you don't need people like that. You don't even need to hear stuff like that. Right. You know, because it's so irrelevant. Sorry.

It's so irrelevant and it just doesn't even, it's not even worth it. banner. Those people aren't on the same wavelength or understanding in any way, shape, or form. But also, you know, I think that it's so much better and happier and more positive to think, like, wow, this person that I was with and I loved so much has given me standards. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Because a lot of people don't have those. Right. You know, and it's not, it has nothing to do with comparing or anything like that. And like you said, if you find the right person, They won't look at it that way either. There is nothing to compare.

And I think a big thing was I could care less what other people thought. Like I could care less. But my thing is like for Will, I don't want him to feel compared. Like I would not. And we've had that conversation. But the biggest thing for me is, you know, going into a new, like I said, Nina's like a best friend. You know, I was super close with his sister two in the beginning at this time. So I was like, it's not like I'm going to drop them.

Like they're going to be a part of my life forever regardless. And, you know, it just took. me and Will had to have that conversation. And I'm very thankful that, you know, he is the kind of person that he is and he is so accepting of the situation. And he's very much so, you know, I love you like for you and everything you came from. I mean, he hasn't had an easy past either. So he, he understands, like, trauma comes with you. There's nothing that he can do about that, you know. Either you're going to take me with it or you're going to leave it. So thankfully, he has been a total angel. But when I tell you,

you'll know, you'll know. Like, any time, like I said, it kills me to think of people who have also gone through losing a partner because, you know, when it comes to family members and stuff, that hurts just as much, but almost in a different way.

Because like when you lose a partner, unfortunately, in our case, I'm stuck with all the what-ifs. Or like, you know, we were going to do this. We were going to do that. What would the beach trip have been like? And it was funny because that beach trip would have been the first time I had gone to the beach in like years.

Well, the first time I had gone to the beach was with Will and his friends on a beach trip. So like it's just crazy how things just kind of show themselves and work themselves out. And, you know, when it came to even having that conversation with Nina about the first guy that I'd started dating first, it's not a fun conversation because, you know, it sucks. Like, is it going to make it weird between us because, you know, the last person I dated was her son. And so I wanted to make sure she understand that stood that like regardless of who I was with, you know, I wasn't going to leave her. Like I wasn't, she wasn't going to lose me. Like whoever I was going to be with accepted the situation in a whole like her, Alex, the family, the trips, all of it. So I made sure that like she understood that as well.

And like I said, she has just been so welcoming of will and my now son. and even his friends down there, we go down to the tournaments. Will plays in the tournaments and his friends are all say hi to him and make sure they like dab him up and his friends too like just talking about the support. I remember they gave me one of Alex's ball jerseys. They had an extra one and two of his like really close friends like gave that to me and I wear it to all the tournaments now. So it's just crazy what you're like, you know, finding the right person, the communication.

like you'll know when you know and it's just i always say that you know Alex definitely had a hand so after i met will three months after i met will um i get a phone call at 10 o'clock in the morning that he was in a car accident and it was his sister calling me and he actually lived about an hour from my parents at the time he had actually brought me food the night before because i wasn't feeling too well and we lived about an hour from where his work was so when he went to work in the morning from there he had to leave pretty early. And I get a call at like 7 o'clock in the morning, and it's his sister Tiff, and she's like, Will was in a bad car accident.

I don't really know what's happened. I just know they told me he may have broken an arm and a leg. So I am immediately like, this is a dream. This is not happening again. This is not like, this isn't supposed to happen once, let alone twice. And so I talked to his sister and she's like, you know, they're flying him to a Nova hospital. In my head, I'm like, this isn't real. I'm trying to like wake myself up.

I'm literally trying to wake myself up. I'm on the phone with her. So I hang up and I like bolt upstairs to my mom's room and I'm sobbing. I'm freaking out. And I wake my mom up and I'm like, well, wasn't a bad accident. And she's kind of the same state of mine. I am like, is this real? Like, is this happening again?

Well, about the time that we woke or I woke her up, a sheriff pulled in our driveway. and knocked on our door. And I opened the door and he starts asking me questions. And it was immediately the night of Alex's accident, all the police officers asking me questions. And it's weird because I don't know why

I don't know why this is a detail that stands out. But the police officer, when they were writing the information down, they had a little notebook, like the size of mine. Just this little notebook they were writing things in. And the sheriff at the door

talking to us about his accident had a little notebook out. And I looked at it and I just immediately turned around and I told my mom, I said, I can't talk. I can't talk to him. This is in March. Okay. So Will's accident happened March. So it's kind of, it's like still pretty cold.

It's kind of like transitioning that weird transition weather. So after the sheriff flees, like, I'm still essentially in what I wore to bed. I'm like, mom, we got to go to the hospital right now. And the hospital is about an hour, hour and a half from my parents' house. I was like, we have to leave now. So we left our house. And I literally remember. saying in the car, I said, I don't know why this is happening to me again, mom. I was like, is it me?

Like, am I just like a bad luck to harm? Because I was like, this is not supposed to happen again. I said, I don't even care if he's paralyzed. I said, I don't care. I said, I just need him to be okay. Because obviously we had no idea what was going on, what had happened. And so I call, I didn't really have, like I said, we'd only been together three months at this time. It's so weird. It's like, that's like my window. And I didn't have any. of his friends numbers or anything really yet. But I was friends with one guy he worked with. And I called him on Facebook Messenger. And I was like, this happened. He's not going to be at work. So we finally get to the hospital. And we're walking in. And we met his sister and her boyfriend

in the lobby of the hospital. And they're like, okay, well, we're going to take you up to the Ticue, which is the trauma ICU. And in my head, I'm like, oh my God, he's in the eye. I see you, like, what is going on? And I remember talking to the nurses, like, on the way up. And I was like, you know, the cop said that they had mentioned, like, he had maybe broken an arm and a leg. And they were like, honey, it's a little bit worse than that. I think they're, they were like, they're trying to get him stable right now. And I was like, you know, in my head again, I'm like, why is this happening? Like, am I literally about to lose someone else? You know, why does my mom have to go through this again? And so they put us in this weird little waiting room out.

the ICU. And they were like, they're trying to get him stable. They're trying to get him in a room. Just hang out here and we'll come get you, you know, when you can see him. And, you know, all of his friends at this point are, like, starting to, like, message me and, you know, text me and call me. And I'm like, I don't even, like, know what to tell them. And so what had happened is Will was in a little tiny S-15 truck, RIP to that truck because it was our favorite little, like ride around truck just like on a random day or whatever, a little beater. And again, it's one of those. No one knows what happened because it was so early in the morning. There was really no one else on the road. But he went underneath of a dump truck, the back end of a dump truck. Like the whole front

end of the truck just went right underneath the dump truck. And the police report even was super contradicting. It said there were no, or it said that there were skid marks, I think. But then the person who the only other semi-witness said there was no break, break lights. So we're like, how did that happen? And the dump truck was only going so fast. So we're like, okay, did the dump truck? And there is a road right there where it happened. We're like, did the dump truck pull out in front of him? We have no idea what happened. I mean, he doesn't have any idea what happened. They had to cut him, cut the vehicle, like the cab of the truck off and have to get him out to extricate him. and he was somehow conscious enough to give the sheriff my address and he gave them my

his sister's phone number and was like you need to contact both them this is my girlfriend this is my sister like you need to tell them what's happening um and then they um he was only 20 15 minutes maybe after he left my house and then they just pumped him full of meds and the airplane took him to the hospital so we get to the house or we finally are like getting settled we're just waiting at this point and they're like, okay, you can come see him. And like, you know, with Alex, I didn't really get to, I mean, I saw him, you know, I saw what had happened, but he didn't have any injuries. Like, it's not like there was any obvious. So when you walk in and you see like, you're, you know, replaying all these emotions, you're replaying. And it's a completely different situation, but like,

the PTSD is just, you know, you walk in and, you know, he is bandaged and wrapped and braced and he's awake and he's trying to like talk and you know you're standing there and like all these people are running around him and you know he i actually had a doctor's appointment that day and he's like what about your doctor's appointment and i'm like this is way more important um but we were in there me and his mom went in first and we were only in there for a couple minutes and they're like we need to put him into surgery immediately and you know i you know we don't really know what's going on and i'm trying to asked the nurses, and while I am very thankful that they saved his life, they were so rude to be. And I remember the doctor saying, you know, his, like, his vitals are dropping. They're pushing

fluids through when nothing's going through. It's his spleen. He's bleeding internally. And I know, I was like, okay, well, you can just take his spleen out. I was like, that's fine. And I knew he had some other, like, lacerations on his liver and things like that. And he had some some broken ribs and things. But I really didn't know, like, the extent at that time. And I remember pulling the surgeon, like, out into the hallway. And I was like, so is this going to, like, take long? Like, what's, you know, kind of give me an idea? He was like, well, I'm not going to let him lay there on the table and bleed internally. And so, you know, I'm like, did you really just say? Like, I'm literally, you know, asking you. And he's like, almost making it seem like it's nothing.

like he does this every day and you know i'm 23 at the time you know and i'm like you know what's going on and he's just he's talking to me like i'm just some dumb little girl that so he's in he was in surgery for a while and by this time the um little waiting room we're in we had actually been like sneaking his friends in so there's probably like 12 of us in this little tiny waiting room and it's locked from the outside so like they have to to let us know when they're coming up. And I remember at the end of the day, the security card like popped in

and was like, oh my gosh, there's so many people in here. So we were all just kind of waiting essentially like while he was in surgery. And they obviously like removed his spleen and things, but he ended up being okay otherwise. He was in the hospital for total 11 days, but he was only in the ICU for I think like the first four. And that's just like, it's not grief

because obviously I didn't leave him, but like it was totally different for me, you know, I didn't have to sit with Alex in a hospital. I didn't have to watch him suffer. And so watching, well, you know, with like the tubes and the ET tubes or not knowing, like, the next day, is something going to go wrong? Or, you know, he had messed his jaw up his face up pretty well. I think his face essentially, like, took when he was driving, I think the right side of his body took most of the impact. And then his chin and his face took, like, the steering wheel.

but he ended up fracturing his right foot and the bone in the foot that takes like all your weight. So surprisingly, that was the bone that caused us the most issues. So it was this talus bone. So your talus literally is like the flat part, the flat bone in your foot. And they told us, they said, yeah, your heel sits on it. They said, you know, if you didn't have this, he'd be walking out of here. But he fractured his talus. He fractured his right femur bone or completely like snapped it. Like the x-rays are like this. Completely snapped it. Shattered both kneecaps. His spleen. He broke six ribs.

His elbow, his right elbow, literally just not to be like graphic, but just like shot out. So his elbow is about 90% metal now. And then like I said, the injury is like to his face. how he had no head injuries or anything. I'm sure he had a concussion if they mentioned it. But like he somehow had no mental injuries, no neurological injuries, anything like that. So yeah, the knee is, so it was quite a different situation. I'd also never been in like a situation like that

where, you know, someone was just in a bad accident or was like chronically injured. But I stayed there every day. Like I said, he was in the hospital for 11 days total. Again, the support was just like nuts. Like his friends, we had a group chat. You know, I keep them updated as far as like surgeries. They'd want to come visit.

And so I remember one day I was just like, it was just like a coordinator. Like I was just wandering around like a chicken in my head cut off, making sure all of his friends like these people got up to see him and these people got up to see him. And he was only allowed to have two visitors at a time. This is kind of. Obviously, it was kind of during COVID, but it's like almost like the downfall part where some people still wear a mask. Like, you had to wear a mask in the rest of the, like, hospital once you got in the room, they didn't really care. So I was like trying to make sure all of his friends got up to see him.

And, you know, he's, he's a six three, like six foot guy. And he's, you know, 200 pounds and I'm five foot tall and trying to take care of this massive man. And I'm like, I've never had to do something like this before. Like, I've never. And, you know, I'm going to do it. Like, I'm going to be here regardless. But his friends, you know, like, do you need anything? Do you need us to bring us food?

Anything like that? Like, I cannot. His friends have just been so grateful. Like, since the beginning, I'm so grateful for his friends. And I can tell that they've been grateful for how I helped him. And I thank them immensely for that. And some of his friends are now, like, my best friends. And his one friend, Maddie, our friend Maddie, I remember he was in surgery,

I think one of his surgeries for his elbow. and that was of all his injuries the hardest one for them to like it was multiple surgeries they had to clean it out multiple times just from like the gravel and debris and stuff and he was in surgery for like eight hours one day and eight or nine hours and mattie came and she sat with me that whole time because i didn't want to leave the hospital um i was like you know they could he could get done earlier something could happen i was like i'm not leaving the hospital so she came and she sat with me all day and i will i could never pay her back for that because i was like i could never pay her back for that because that is such a stressful time, like waiting is just as hard because coming from, you know,

Alex's accident, I'm like, worst case scenario is going to play out. Like, I already know, like, I've already been here. And so that was helpful to kind of keep me distracted. Um, so after we came out of the ICU, at the time, I wasn't allowed to stay overnight, especially when he's in the ICU. Friends of his got me a really nice hotel room right down the road from the hospital. My parents had put me in a hotel a couple nights too. So I was able to, you know, you know, visiting hours started at eight, I was at the hospital at 7.30, like, just sitting outside the door. When he came out of the ICU, it got to the point where, like, the nurses and stuff were, like, you're being so helpful, you can stay the night. Like, you can stay here overnight.

And it kind of comes down to, like, I'm extremely thankful for, you know, everything they did for him. But at the same time, there was, like, there was negligence. There was, you know, and you're going to have that, I guess, like, brood nurses. You're going to have that at times. But there was a day, I was at the hotel and he calls me. And like, he could hardly talk, you know. He was always sleeping. So I'm like, oh, my gosh. He called me and it had been hours since someone had checked on him.

Like his pain meds at this point are off schedule. So I'm like, oh, my God. So I am, you know, rushing to the hospital. And he's like, got to use the bathroom. And I'm trying to help him. And it's just, it's a hot mess. And there was like such miscommunication between the nurses. I remember when we moved into the regular room, he couldn't walk. He couldn't get in a wheelchair.

He couldn't really do like much on his own at all. So they had to use like a cherry picker, which is like a, it's almost like just straps that they put across under him. And it's almost like a little like swing that lifts him up and moves him. Well, I mean, he had been using that in the ICU for, you know, multiple days. So I kind of had seen how they had been doing it. So, you know, we go into the regular room. And it was just a disaster. And it was like almost in a visiting hours. And I remember he told me you do not leave until they get me in this bed. And so like at that point I was trying to help them. And you know, they're telling me that like they know what they're doing. They know what they're doing. And I'm looking at him in this cherry picker and he's just terrified. So they eventually got him into the bed. And like I said,

they were like, you're so helpful. You can just stay here. And I'm honestly grateful to have been able to stay there just to be with him. But for the sake that nothing else like bad would happen. So we were in the hospital for like I said 11 days total he essentially had to completely learn how to walk again you know we gave him hospital bed showers which are awful and um it was like I said it was a total different experience but it was almost like the PTSD was all there um the whole time and when you you know see something like that happened and I still have issues with it to this day but like worst case scenario is like something that plays in your head all the time because you know I was on a perfect family vacation, beautiful evening, like perfect relationship, and that happened out of nowhere. So we were in

the hospital, like, nurses would come in and be like, how long have you guys been together? And we're like, three months. And they're like, and you've been here every single day. And like, well, yeah, like I'm not, I don't know. Like, I would expect, like, everyone's like, you know, wow, that's crazy. And I'm like, would you not? Like, would you not do that for someone you're with? Like, so once he got out of the hospital, he had to have a hospital bed at the house. And things like I wanted like the hospital toilets or something like that because he couldn't go far. And we get home and I remember him, he told my mom on the way home he was like my hand feels like it's bleeding. And because of his elbow, he was in a like a splint, yeah, like all the way up his

arm, but it was like a soft one. And it kind of went over the top of his hand too. And so we're like, you know, we'll get you situated and we'll check it out. And cars were a really hard thing to navigate, especially because he's so tall. So, like, getting in and out of a car, like, was excruciating for him, you know? He had the broken ribs. Both of his legs are, like, injured at this point. He can't use his arms to help him because, well, he can only use his right arm, but his ribs were broken on the left side. So anytime we'd go to use his left arm to kind of brace himself or help himself out, it would just hurt his ribs. So his two friends came to the hospital the day we came home and helped him get in the truck. They followed, like I said, it was an hour and a half or so back to my parents' house. They followed us

back to the house. They helped him get him inside, get him in the hospital bed. Like, it was quite a learning experience, but they were so helpful. So we get him, like, in the hospital bed. Thankfully, at my parents' house, I was still at the time, like, living in their basement. Same place me and Alex had stayed. But it was like in a, almost like an apartment. So there's plenty of room. My mom, like, busted her butt while we were in the hospital to try and get, like, a hospital bed to get railings for the shower to get all these different things that he needed. Like, they rearranged because I stayed at the hospital the entire time. I did not leave until he left. So, like, they were doing all these things while I was there. So they, like, rearranged my room. They

cleaned my room. She got him everything he would need for the hospital bed. It literally, it turned into, like, essentially like a little hospital room down there because he had so much healing still left to do. But at that point, we were just glad to be out of the hospital. But, you know, it came down to having to help him. My job at the time was another animal hospital. And again, they were like, you know, do what you got to do. Take your time. Like your job's here when you come back.

Again, they had met Will. So like they all loved him too. And, you know, they were just as they knew my past. So they were just as mind blown as I was that this was happening again. Well, not quite to that extent. But that like something else had happened. And I, you know, we did, we somehow we did it. we would have to drive hours, like an hour to his doctor's appointments. And I am not a city driver.

So I had to, you know, adjust to that. But he, again, like getting him into cars and getting him out of cars and the wheelchair and all of these things. Like, it was, it was quite an experience. But thankfully, he is, he's healed today. He has, he's lost some ability like in his arm. He doesn't have, like, full range of motion in his arm and like he definitely gets sore a lot but and we're still you know working on like some remnants from his injuries and things but for the most part you know he is healed and we always say like Alex and his dad had a hand in that because Alex could not like I couldn't have lost someone else and I think you know Alex knows the love I have to give and he knows like how happy it was and like the feelings that I was feeling with Will and like that that was where I needed to

and I always say that like, and like I said, Will's dad had passed away. So I always say him and Will's dad like had to have had a hand because just the way that everything happened with that accident, with him re-erending the dump truck, like, and for him to be here today as well as he is, like is just nuts to me. We've actually had responders from his accent that we've just happened to kind of meet out in public or run across, come to us and be like, dude, like we didn't think you were going to make it like it's so good to see you standing here because they made a good point like first responders and stuff don't really they don't always hear the end result like you know they got him out they got him

in the helicopter they got him to the hospital but after that you know it's on to their yeah whatever next call um so a lot of them have been like it's nuts to see you here it's nuts to see you with a baby and you know in my mind our baby is why he made it out of there and you know and me and just like what we have now but like another thing when it comes to first responders actually. I forgot this part about Alex's accident. Oh, you're okay. So the EMT who actually performed CPR on Alex with my dad,

the first benefit softball tournament we had up here for him, she drove from Pennsylvania three hours to meet us. And that was just a very surreal moment. Like she was sobbing, we were all sobbing because for a while, I almost held resentment because it was, I feel in my mind, I can almost remember them saying, does anyone else know CPR? And I was so confused because in my head, I'm like, what do you mean? You're literally an EMT. And again, there are so many things going on that night. Like, I don't know who said that or where that came from, but I remember that being said. So in my head, it was like the EMT

to me. And like my dad, that was there, like, my dad shouldn't have been doing CPR. you are, the EMT should have known. So again, I don't know, like, where I heard that, apparently, like it was obviously now that I've met her, um, a total like miscommunication on my part, but for the longest time, I held so much resentment because I was like, these people could have saved him and they had no idea what they were doing. And that was no means the case. So it was just incredible, incredible to me that she had drove hours, um, to come out there and meet us. And she, she told me, she said, I have thought about that night every single day since. She said,

There's not a day I do not, you know, go to sleep, not thinking about you guys. And she said to see you here and like she met his family. They met her. So that was also surreal for them too. So that was kind of, I don't want to say a cool moment, but it was different to, you know, experience that. Especially because with someone that I've held, like I held so much like animosity toward it was almost like closure in a weird way. And I think it was closure for her too. But I'll appreciate her forever, regardless of the outcome.

Like, I know she did all she could. And, you know, I can't imagine being in her shoes either. You know, I can't imagine half the things they do. But regardless, like, I can't imagine what it took for her to come down there and see us. She made it a point to show up. Yeah. In Will's case, the dump truck driver, we've never heard a word from. We've never, you know, never reached out, has never, you know, is he okay?

Which regardless of whose fault it was, like, I feel. like if you're in that traumatic of an accent or that kind of thing happens. In my mind, like, I would want to know, again, regardless of whose fault it was, like, I would want to know that they're okay. So it's weird how when things like this happen, you think of things in a totally different light or like you get so much more upset about smaller, like smaller situations, like the dump truck driver. Like, I remember I was so upset that he never checked on will. And I mean, to this day, I'm kind of like, what the heck? Like, why would you not want to know?

But it is weird how you see things in different points of view. And you try to see things from everyone's points of view when you're going through these things. But at the same time, you're going through so many other different, like, situations dealing with it, that it just kind of becomes like a forethought or whatever. I mean, I hope the Trump truck driver is doing well. But, you know, I wouldn't mind hearing from him for just for him. his sake and honestly wills yeah and i think too like not everybody unfortunately cares right you know what i mean like some people it's just it's so interesting how different oh yeah humans are in their

mindset something at this point you know i still like i talk about Alex all like i talk about him you know i talk about him when it's necessary you know i have a whole like another life and i will always give him things like partial things to that because i know like wherever you're he is right now, wherever, regardless of what people believe, I definitely feel like he's taken good care of me, good care of the people in my life. And so while it was very hard, a lot of people tell me, you know, you lost a lot of love, but look how much love has also, like it has brought you in reference to, you know, his family and Nina. I always say that if there was any reason, if there was one of the many reasons, I guess, I could say, I met Alex. Nina is definitely like one of those

top five, his mom, because like I said, she'll be in my life forever. So I mean, you know, I talk about him. I acknowledge it. I acknowledge what happened. You know, he's become, it's all become like regular in a normal part of my life at this point. You know, it's a big part of who I am. It's a big part of, you know, who I consider family because his family is like my family now too. And I think a big, a big thing for doing this podcast was just to give all of us a little bit of closure a little bit of closure um and like i said for the young people who have lost someone yeah i remember thinking that was it like that was the end of my life like i could not i was like how am i supposed to go on like there's no way um with my heart this heavy i just i cannot imagine and you know five years later i have a

family i have and i just i hate that also people put a timeline on grief to each their own and what is what I say. I mean, you know, there may not necessarily be healthy, like physically healthy ways to grieve, but at the same time, I feel like, you know, there are many different ways to grieve and I feel like being proactive in my grief was a big thing. So I feel like this just kind of contributes to that. I know for a while, you know, like a vlog or something was something I talked about because I know people wanted to know like what happened and I wasn't going to go out and just like blast that or you know it wasn't the right time which is like I think part of the reason why I reached out to you guys is because I was

like it's time for you know everyone to get that closure it's been you know a good a good long enough and but I just want people who have lost someone regardless really I guess of your age or you know how long you were together with them or anything like that like it's not it's not over by any means And that was really hard for me to accept because I was like, I'm just going to be stuck in this limbo. I'm never going to find a love like that again. So, you know, but that's really not the case. You might not find a love like theirs again, but finding love is not out of the picture for people. And I think too, like nothing is meant to replace something.

Oh, yeah. You know, like you don't have to replace a certain person or a certain feeling. It's more so just finding that feeling or that thing that can make you feel happy again. Again, yeah. You know, and I think too, like another reason, and I know you touch on this, but that it's so important that you did come talk about this is because I even know, you know, in high school and even coming out of high school, the amount of stories that I've heard of like mutual friends or people that I knew that lost a sibling or somebody that they knew on these vacations or like, it's very tragic accidents. And it's one of those things that it's like people say, oh, it won't happen to me. or like it's stuff you see in movies, but it happens and it's terrifying. Oh, yeah.

And it's not to say that anyone should live in fear or like not do these risky or fun activities, but it does happen. Yeah. You know, and it's terrifying. You know, I'll never forget to. And this is like, it just goes to show me like you said, everybody does handle these kind of things differently. But, you know, you might not even realize your people might not even realize the impact that these kind of tragedies have on other people that might not even be close to a situation. Right.

You know, like this is just an example, but I remember it reminded me when you were talking about it. But I think my eye doctor, I think it was his wife. They were like on a trip or something. Might just been the two of them. I don't know the details of it. But like they were in an ATV accident, I think. And like she was in a coma for years and years, like on life support.

Wow. And I think it was just like the last two years. Like he pulled the plus, like how to make the decision. but like and they had like whole family and children it's like you could go into something so innocently and like it goes to show you too how short and precious life really is no doubt you know and kind of like what you were saying to these experiences they give us a different perspective on life and why we shouldn't take things or people for granted you know it and it does go to show why time really doesn't mean anything and I think people need to stop being so hard on themselves and even with

what you were saying with the whole guilt thing. I think in situations like that, especially when you're so young, it's, I feel like naturally you're going to want to give yourself a reason. Right. And I almost feel like the easiest thing was like to blame yourself, which it's so unfair and it's so harsh to do to yourself, you know, and I think that so many other people have probably felt that way or blamed themselves in many different situations. Even if it was, like, even if it doesn't have to do with a death. You know what I mean? So I just feel like, people hearing your perspective even on that is so helpful yeah so Alex Alex's little community right before he passed away a couple maybe like six months before they had lost um another girl to

a drunk driving accident um that was you know he was friends with the community she was well known and so they had these two really big losses like right back to back so when i went into this and i'm like you know, these people just, it's like loss after loss. Like they just lost one friend and then, you know, six months later they lose another one. So to go into it, I was, you know, terrified and that's why I felt so much guilt. But it really does like open your eyes when these things kind of like happened to you. I went into it, you know, expecting it to be one way. And it was the complete opposite, like for the better, for the better in the best way possible.

You know, I went into it thinking, this is, this is it. Like, I'm never going to find someone else that I'm going to love like that. I'm never going to find someone else who matches me like that. You know, all these people just lost their friend. This family just lost their, you know, their son, their brother, their grandson. Like, I went into it so negatively. And at the time, like, it's hard to not. I mean, that deep in grief, there doesn't really, there is no light.

Right. And, you know, you hear people say, like, in time, it gets better. And, you know, you know that that's. true. Like, it never really goes away. But in time, it does get better. Like, you know that that's true. But, like, in the moment, you're like, I don't want to hear it because no, it's not. Like, nothing's going to get better. This is the worst thing ever. And it is. But, like, going into it with that mindset and seeing, like, how positive everything has been, which, you know, at the time, you can't, it's so hard to make a situation like that positive at all. But looking back on it now, when people say,

you know, it brought you so much more love. It really did. It brought. It brought me his whole family. It brought me, you know, the friends that I've made in his town. You know, I have will. I have my son. You know, I have so much good that has happened over like the past five years, you know, regardless of where I was at with my grief. So like it's, you know, when people lose people so young, like I said, I watch the show and I see these people on here, you know, that lose their boyfriend or their brother or their, um, the, um, the, um, the, um, the, um, girl whose friend's boyfriend a couple weeks ago had shot himself. You know, I see those things. And in those moments, it is so hard to find any light. But like knowing that five years later,

you know, I have a family, you know, when you lose someone that young, it's not over. Like, it's not that. Like, it can be the end of the world right then and there. That's fine. Like, you can agree. You need it to, you almost need to let it feel like it's the end of the world. just so that when the positive things start happening, you're like, wow, like, this is really good. This is positive. Like, I didn't even know positive things could still happen at this point. So it is, you know, loss regardless of your age, regardless of who it is to you, whether it's family member or partner, you know, a friend regardless.

Like, it's not easy. And it's never going to be easy, like an easy thing to say like you went through or an easy thing to handle in the beginning. But it's not the end of the world. And like I, I don't mean that in such an insensitive way, but like I think it is important for people to know that it's really not because, you know, I could have succumb to my grief very easily. Like, you know, I could have just drowned in it and let it eat me alive to the point where like, you know, my parents could have been grieving a kid. But at the same time, like, I had, like, I'm glad I didn't because there is so much more that comes out of it. And it's when you're so young and you, I've said multiple times,

when you're so young and you lose something that essentially makes you feel like you have the rest of your life figured out, it's essentially like your whole future is just gone. So you're kind of like, I have no future. Like, you know, there's no point. But you do. And I think that's just so important for people to know because sitting, sitting in grief is the worst thing you can do for grief. I feel like you should feel grief, but it should not drown you. You shouldn't feel it to the point where you are just drowning. I feel like for me at that point, it's not that you can't grief. It's not that you can't be sad, but it's almost like you have to just redirect the grief into something that helps you. So for me, that was driving, just literally driving, wherever it was,

whether I was, you know, driving to a farm that I was farm sitting or just wherever. It was just a nice day in driving. And I just feel like that's so important for people to know that you can redirect your grief, that it's not because grief is the only emotion like you feel at the time or you think that you're feeling because in reality you're feeling a million emotions under grief. But I feel like when grief feels like the only emotion you're feeling, it's like what else, like how am I ever going to feel anything other than this? But in a way, I feel like grief can kind of, what is the word I'm trying to think of?

Almost like enforce your emotions or make them even stronger. So like for me it was like, you know, at this point I'm grieving, but it's such a nice day outside. Like it's such a nice day. So I like, it's nice to feel a nice day. Like that was kind of my mind. So like even though I'm grieving, like I'm so sad. Like I could be bawling while I'm driving or listening to a song. But at the same time, it's so pretty outside.

And like I would just keep telling myself that. You see like the small positive. Yeah, like you have to redirect your grief in like some kind of positive way. Or like, you know, the tournaments, they were really hard on the memorial tournament. So it's almost like you have to redirect it into the sense of like, wow. He's still being remembered like his community is still coming, you know, together for him. And that is so hard to do in the beginning. I wouldn't expect anyone to ever.

do that in the beginning, you know, because grief is, it is, it's overwhelming, but it's not, it's not the end-all be-all when it comes to grief. And I think it's important for people to know that in the sense of like grief's not the last emotion you're going to feel. Like it may never go away, but it's going to, like, happiness will overtake that eventually. Like, things will change, you know, and it's not so much a point of moving on or forgetting about that because I think a lot of people or, you know, like, I don't want to forget about them or I don't want to move on in my life and just act like they were never here. I don't think it's a sense of moving on. I think it's a sense of healing. You know, for me, Will was like my healing. You know, he understood all of that. He's, we're like the same

exact person. So, well, in a way, that's a good thing, like, you know, a good thing and it can be a bad thing, but it's, it's, he's very understanding of me. And that's kind of like how I've turned that around. Like, I've lost, you know, I lost an intense love, like a beautiful. beautiful relationship, beautiful soul. Alex was a beautiful and I saw a soul and I lost that. And that really sucks. That's really hard. But at the same time, like, I gained one too. I've gained two because now we have a son. So, you know, when I'm sitting in my, was sitting in my grief, you know, in my bedroom, because in my mind I'm thinking, like, this is just going to suck the life out of me. I had no idea that like five years later, I've met a soul that matches mine.

And now we have this little crazy soul running around. And like, that's. all the happiness that I need now. So it's just like really important, I think looking back at it now to know that like grief is not the end-all be-all. And it kills me for people that like to know that have succumb to grief because like that person that you originally lost, I think again, when I was grieving and I was, you know, to me living every day for Alex, that person that you lost is not going to want you to sit there and just sob and be miserable. Like, and in my head when you lose someone everything is about respecting them like you respect their memory you know so in my head I was disrespecting Alex by you know just letting this grief eat me alive like I'm disrespecting

what he would want um not saying that it's like disrespectful to like feel like like like I said to grieve but at the same time think of how that person you lost would want you to like live And I feel like that is the biggest thing to hold on to because as hard as it is to accept, like they're not, they're not going to come back. So all you can do since they're gone is essentially make them proud, essentially carry on their memory, make them proud, you know, do the things that they would be happy to see you do and that you would be happy to see you do because that's going to, you know, that's going to give you some closure and that's honestly so important and you're not even going to know um until one day you know

you're sitting there and you're like wow like here i am and i have a family or here i am and i just like have this cool job or you know and there are times where you feel like you're never going to get there you're never like you're just sitting in the same thing you're but it it does come in when it does i think the grief almost makes you so much more thankful it makes you so much more appreciative because you'll real one day you're like wow i you know i hate that i went through this but at the same time. I couldn't change it, so I'm so thankful that I went through it this way or that, like, you know, I learned what I did from going through it because I feel like it's important for people to know that you're going to learn something from it. I always say everything happens for a reason,

because if I said that it didn't, then, you know, I would just be constantly being, you know, like he took him for no reason or like he just did this or, you know, someone took this person away from me for no reason or someone took this person or this happened and in my head like when it happens I was like there's why did this happen like you're constantly asking yourself why and the reason is not going to come like you're not going to know why it happened immediately at least but you know here I am again like I said five years later and I am realizing that I don't understand why it was part of the plan but it was and I'm exactly where I need to be right now and it's not that you're again forgetting that person, you're not forgetting what you went through, you're not forgetting

anything like that, you're just healing. And you can feel like you're not doing anything for yourself. And it's so crazy because you'll feel like you're not doing enough. And then one day you're like, wow, maybe I am doing enough. Like this is actually, like, you know, things are actually not that bad. So yeah. Well, you couldn't have said it better. Well, thank you. Honestly. And seriously, there's so many different reasons, like I said, why it's so important that stories like this are spoken about. I mean, even what you said about the other episode of the girl witnessing, you know, the suicide.

It's like so many people go through these kind of things. And, you know, obviously every single one is different than all varies. But people go through this. And then I think I always say this, especially now, like with having this platform, it's so important to talk about these kind of stories and experiences. And the more people that open up, I think the more it gives people hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. And, you know, like you said, feel the grief and let yourself go through it, but also allow yourself to heal and do your best to get out of it. To get through it.

Yeah, like not only for yourself, but for the person that you're grieving. Exactly. But no, you did an amazing job seriously. And I'm so glad that you wanted to come on and share this story. Yeah. I think another, like another, like one reason when you say that it helps other people to, like hear similar stories. When I was going through Alex's loss, I would talk to other people who had gone through the same thing. Or girls would message me saying that they had gone through this. Or girls would message me that are work currently,

like just going through it too. And it was, you know, it sucks to hear that it's happening to all these other people. But at the same time, it's like, I'm not the only one. Yeah. Gives you a sense of a, like of a community. Yeah. And it understands. Yeah.

And it's like weird to. say, you know, oh, they understand because even, even if I went something through something different. But it's nice to know that like they're going through the same things and they're okay. And like, you know, you're, you can talk to this person and they're going to kind of understand about. It's always helpful to have someone to talk to that really understand something and can relate. Like I think everybody has friends that, you know, you can talk to your friends or whoever and they can be supportive and they can be there, which is amazing. but I do think there's something different and healing in being able to talk to somebody, even if you're not close with them, that truly understands that level of loss.

Yeah. And I, like I said earlier, I'd posted a video about Will, you know, being so close with Alex's family and it kind of blew up on TikTok. But people were commenting, you know, saying they were going through the same thing. And it helped to see that he was so supportive or because, you know, other people hadn't been in their, you know, their experience or their dating life, you know, post-loss. So, you know, it's cool that just like by posting little things like that, people are like, wow, you know, I can still meet someone.

I can still find someone. Someone still can't accept it, you know, regardless of if it's a partner or something. And he says a good example too because it takes a certain level of security. It does. And my opinion isn't always that friend. It's okay. You know, more people should be like that. Yeah.

But not many people are. Right. So I think that it does set a good example of like, you know, it just, you know what I'm saying. Yep, yep. I'm just accepting a person as they are now. Right. But not even just that. Like, it's just, I think people are very, they just, they're not very found, like I said, within themselves.

So they take that out in just a lot of other ways. And it's just. Or they are, a lot of people see it as, well, she still talks about her ex. still misses him or that's like that is a serious problem that that person probably shouldn't be right and I'm like you're literally jealous of someone at this point who isn't here yeah who you know I and again like I said earlier it's not like I just it's a love it's a huge lack of understanding yeah it's not like you mean Alex gotten a bad had a bad falling out and broke up like it's not like that at all so it's very important to find someone who you know doesn't see in a like competition

or something weird which to me is just weird I know. That's what I'm saying. I agree with you. But like there are so many people like that. Right. Obviously, which you also know. But like I can't get with it. Yeah. Can't get on that train. And I just like, I agree. But there are a lot of people like that. And I think that that goes back to also. Like I'm sure once again, you probably have seen these kind of things as well. Like if you have been posting about it online is like there's going to be those people that are that would just be negative. Oh yeah. I'm just like. And that's why I said like at this point like I don't even care of what anyone know. sinks because... But honestly, the more positivity that you share around things like this, no doubt. I feel like the less those people have power to speak. And honestly, I don't really care what everybody says.

I know everybody's on their own journey. Right. But like if you have nothing positive to say, putting out any sort of negative opinion is not doing anyone, any benefit. Just stay in your miserable lane. Especially when it's like something so, like big and like something so serious to someone and I'm just like like my thing is like what would they rather you be miserable by yourself or like be with somebody that doesn't support it like it just doesn't make sense and I mean

don't get me wrong with Will I mean it was kind of like a baby step process like the first time we stayed at Alex's you know parents house we stayed in the salon um the first thing because it was different for our you know we you go in their house and there's stuff like memorial stuff for Alex like everywhere um and I knew that and I knew that that was kind of you know that may have made him uncomfortable. And so it was a baby step process, but at the same time, we all took those steps together, like Nina meeting him, you know, him staying at the house for the first time or going to one of the tournaments for the first time, you know, where everything is about Alex or, you know, when we go to Nina's, like, it's, you know, Alex is all around. So it is one thing. And

when I said from the beginning, I would never want him to be compared. I don't ever want him to feel uncomfortable too with the situation. So it's also not like I would meet someone and be like my ex-dyeed in an accident. Like yeah, you need to, you know, no, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I would never do that to someone. I would never expect someone to be thrown immediately into that and be like, oh, cool, let's go. Will was supportive from the beginning. And that's totally different than just throwing someone in. When someone's willing to understand and willing to support you with something like that, I think it just makes everything so much easier. And you guys have that communication and openness.

I mean, honestly, I think with any kind of trauma and you, you know, you have a partner and communication is just because the PTSD I have from there, you know, like the anxiety and things that I've developed from that, you know, he's going to have to deal with. Like, he's going to have to deal with. So if you can't tell them that, like, you're going to have issues. Like, you're going to, he's not, the other person is not going to understand what you went through where you're coming from. I think that's part of the reason he was also so willing to come here today with me as he was like,

it will essentially help me see things from your perspective. Because, I mean, we've talked about that night, but never really in detail. And, you know, he's never really gotten like the full. Yeah, from like literally start to finish. Yeah. But somebody that loves you is going to support the things that are important to you. Right. Exactly.

And, you know, to me, Alex's family is forever going to be a part of my life. So it's not like I'm going to be able to be with someone for the rest of my life and have to completely keep those two things separate or keep those two very important things to me separate. Like that just that wasn't going to, that's not it. And so it is very important. I think that's, you know, like when I said my tattoo artist, it's like, how are you going to find someone? I think when you find someone who accept like, I don't want to say accept your traumas, but essentially does accept your trauma because I feel like trauma is very shaping to a person regardless of if you're going to. regardless of if you heal positively or anything like that or the negative effects it has on you, all of it has essentially somehow reshaped your brain into the person you are.

So I feel like, you know, when you meet someone and they are accepting of that, that is an immediate like green flag for someone, I feel like who's been through this kind of thing. And you know, some people feel guilty for moving on. And I do, like I did. I don't say I do, but I did. You know, at the same time, you're like, I never broke up with him. So like, in a weird way, it doesn't feel like cheating, but it does in a way. way. I don't even know how to explain it because you never broke up with that person.

I think it's like it's hard to because it feels like you're letting go of something. Right. It's like sometimes it feels more secure to like keep that held onto and there's a guilt behind like letting it go. And don't get me wrong. I understand I've been very fortunate as far as like my support system and his family and all of those things. And I understand that people go through this and they don't have anyone. So I mean your platform definitely helps with that, but, like, seeing it from that kind of perspective who doesn't have, like, maybe the support or the, you know, the partner, things like that, it'll, like, it'll come in time. Like, when you meet someone, whether it's, again, a partner, a friend or anybody, and you

have, like, these traumas that you're trying to heal from, anyone who is going to be on your life is going to accept that. They're going to accept you. And I can't imagine not going through that by myself. And I can't imagine these people that do. Like, I applaud them. my stand for them 100% because it has made me a lot stronger going through what I've gone through. I can't imagine those people that come out of it, you know, on the other side that have done it

by themselves. So while I know that support is not like a universal thing at that point, like I feel like you can be your biggest advocate. And, you know, finding someone else who's going to be that advocate for you is also just like I said, it's going to be a green flag. You're going to know whether it's one person or multiple people that are going to like enter your life and offer you the support, just listen to you or be there for you. One person or whether it's 10 or 20, you're going to know when that person is like meant to be in your life because, you know, this event or this trauma that's so important to you is and made you who it is, you know, they're going to be accepting of that and essentially accepting of you in your whole.

and that was a big thing for me to learn too, I think, because like sometimes I was like, oh my gosh, are people just pitying me at this point? Like, you know, I talk to someone and I'm like, do they look at me and they just see it like pity? Like, oh, that's the girl who lost her boyfriend. And for a very long time, it was like that. And so when I did eventually, I guess, let go of Alex in that sense, I was like, this just doesn't, this just doesn't feel right. Or like, you know, I'd even talk to people. I'd be like, you know, is it going to look wrong that I'm, like, dating somebody at this point? And they're like, you can't even think about it like that.

They're like, you know, you know what you need. And at this point in time, if that's what you feel like you need is define, you know, someone or if someone even comes up, like, I wasn't even looking. But it's just like the part where you're like, okay, I might be start ready. Like, I might be ready to start, like, dating someone or like the guy I was with before Will, you know, it is very much so. Do I not even mention them? And then at the same time, like, when I did bring it up and I told them, you know, told him that I was having, you know, some issues with the whole situation, it just made everything uncomfortable.

And so it's almost like you want to let go of them to cling on to someone else. But you need someone to make you feel like you don't have to completely let go of them. And that was like a big thing for me. Like I didn't want to feel like I just had to completely throw that whole chapter of my life out the window. Because like it's the same thing with like moving. on you're not completely like you're letting go of that person in in a sense but at the same time like you're just i think you're more so like letting go of what was yeah but you're not forgetting or letting go of like that person or their right or the memory of exactly exactly and i think it's

you know a big thing to embrace like what is going on now um and you know when it comes to grief like you want to hang on to that person you want to hang on to what was but now that i've kind of like made it out of like the trenches of grieving and stuff. I've realized now that it's, you have to like take it day by day. And then eventually that letting go isn't as harsh. It's not like letting go of them. It's kind of just like a distancing yourself essentially from the memory. Yeah. And that kind of thing. Like you're never going to just let go of them. You're never going to let go of that piece of them that lives in you. And I think it's important to know that that's okay and to know that like eventually you're going to find someone else that knows that

that knows that they're going to be a part of you and that you've essentially let go of them. But you're not going to completely forget about that person. You're not going to completely just let them fade out of your life. I think that is so important because regardless of how long it's been, you're always going to grieve that person or whatever you lost, whoever you lost, You know, whether it's 50 years down the road and, you know, we're sitting together old. And I'm like, man, like, I remember Alex and, you know, how. And it's okay. Yeah.

Yeah. So I think it's like very, like, very, you know, crucial for people to know that you're not letting go of them. And that you should never feel guilty for that because, for one, you're letting love into your life that you've lost. Yeah, but that you deserve and that that person would want for you. So when you let in something like that, I think it's just making that person proud, like, in general. I think it's just very getting out or like healing in general, I think is going to make that person proud. So it's just a big, it's just a big, honestly, it's just like a big process of, oh, let me, you know, grief and then let me try and heal. And maybe it's not time yet.

So let me grieve a little bit more and then we try and heal. But maybe now I can recognize some more new, like some new things about like how. I need to heal. I feel like people think you just stop grieving. But you don't. It's just kind of more of a process. Yeah, it's like a process of, you know, the healing, taking over the grieving. And at this point, I think of Alex all the time. I think of, you know, but it's positive. It's all positive at this point. And it's very hard for people to see past the like sadness and the, again, the grief of like grieving that person. But eventually you're going to look back and be like, oh my gosh, like, I'm so lucky that I even got to know that person or like, we'll be somewhere and be like,

you know, that was so fun, like, me and Alex went here and, you know, you don't even think about it like in that sense. Like, I'll be like, you know, me and Alex one here and at the same time, I'm like, man, you know, that, like, my soul misses him and like my soul will kind of like hug itself, you know, when I say that. But then it's just, I get to enjoy the new experience when I'm there and, like, kind of make a new memory there. And that was very hard for me. It was to start going places that like we had like we had gone like Walmart everywhere um you know when you're grieving someone you see that person everywhere so it was hard for me to be able to go to those places and you know say oh I'm just having a new experience here like I'll never forget the one

I had with that person here but I'm just having a new one um and that's okay um and you're going to have tons of new experiences in that place or you know you're going to but it's you're going to see it in a different light. It just, it does, it does change. Like, it's so hard for people to see the light at the tunnel, but it is there. And like, you'll find it when you don't even realize it. Like, there may be a million other things going on in your life where, you know, you're thinking there is no light. There's, you know, it may not even be the grief at that time. And then one day you'll be like, wow, like I was so deep in my grief, you know, however many years ago, while I may be dealing with these issues, like I've still made it so far. Like, at least I am here to deal with.

these issues. So yeah, I mean, everyone's experience, everyone's trauma, everyone's different. But I think when it comes down to it, like, just honoring that person's memory, honoring how they loved you or how they would want you to live, whether it's a brother, sister, grandma, mom. I think it is just so important when it comes to grief to keep you out of that, like, you know, that gloomy kind of, you know, sadness to just always think about living for that person and just making that person proud because they were probably so proud of you or they are so proud of you regardless. And, you know, they're going to be watching over you your whole life. Regardless of what you believe in, what higher power you believe in, where you think that person is,

like, you're always going to have them in your heart. You're always going to have, you know, them in your mind. So you're always going to be thinking about them when you do something. And like in my head, all I can think of is like, I just want to make them proud. Like, I want them to see me happy because I know they made me happy. I know they wanted to see me happy. So even though they aren't here physically, like, why would I want to make them, like, they've already gone through, you know, we've lost them. Like, they're gone.

So wherever they are, why would I want them to experience any more, you know, misery or anything like that by watching me suffer? Like, I don't want to watch them suffer. They wouldn't have wanted to watch me suffer. So it's just been almost like a respect matter. Like respecting yourself through your grieving process, respecting the person, you know, that you lost, respecting your support system. Because when people offer you support is like, you're just like, wow. Especially when it comes, like, you know, it could be the most random person. But anyone offering you support when you're grieving is just like, you know, that means a lot.

I had people reach out to me that, you know, I hadn't talked to in years. Like my friend that picked me up from the hospital. And you just have to, like, accept those things and just accept the love, accept the respect because you're going through such a sad time that like any tiny bit of love is going to make it so much easier for you. But yeah, I hate that so many young people have lost so many young people. It really is a shame. People, we lose people way too, way too soon. Nowadays, like I said, regardless of it's a random accident.

or drugs or alcohol or mental illness or anything like that. I do feel like the newer generations have gone through way too much loss of friends and brothers and things like that. So I think it is important to know when you're that young that when you lose something, it's not, you're not losing your whole life. You know, it may feel like it. And you may be losing a massive part of your life, but you still have so much of it left that you have no idea what the next few years could hold.

and it could just hold like such great things for you. And I know that's hard to see through the grief when you're going through it. But it's just so crucial for people to know that because there were times that it was so hard. And, you know, you think you don't have anyone, but there's really so many people that you can reach out to and that you can talk to. And, you know, that go through similar situations. So I hope that people understand, you know, it can happen for them too. Like they could have a family in five years, you know, that. they can have a family in 10 years. They don't even need a family. But in time, like, it will get

better. It does happen. The light is there. But you also have to just be accepting of that and respectful of the positive things that do come your way because they will happen. And just because you've, you know, lost people in your life, it doesn't mean that you're not deserving of good things to happen to you and that they won't happen to you. And I, you should just welcome those things with open arms because you've been through enough already at that point that you do deserve good things to happen to you. So it's all about, I guess, how you take the grief and how you mold it yourself. But I just want people to know that grief is not the end. I'll be all for someone young.

And it shouldn't be the last emotion you feel because you still have so many left to go through. So Will does tell people, you know, I've heard him say when people ask him, like if he's comfortable with it or, you know, how he feels with it. in his responses, they could, for all I know, they could so be together. So in a way, it almost, when I hear that, it makes me feel like he's just thankful to even be a part of my life because he, you know, like he said, for all he knows, I could still be with Alex. And I wouldn't have had, you know, the absolute honor it is to be with him and he wouldn't have had the honor to be with me.

So, and, yeah, or our son at this point. So at this point, it's, you know, he sees it as being grateful to just be in my life. So it for someone in that position to see it like that is just so wholesome to me because, wow, he's seeing it in the sense of, you know, he's just grateful to be here. And, you know, other people see it in a sense of jealousy or like competition or whatever. And so I think when it comes to finding some, you know, and not to say that all people need to find someone after they lose someone. I hope that people get to experience, like, love in that kind of sense and, you know, in a relationship. But that doesn't mean that they have to.

But, you know, finding someone in that sense who does appreciate the fact that he's actually just able to be a part of my life completely, you know, in itself is like a tell-all for me. So, yeah. Well, no, seriously, amazing. Thank you. And I love how much you touched on on great. because I know that there's a lot of people that need to hear that. Yeah.

And I think just hearing that is very helpful for a lot of people in general. Like even if it doesn't heal them. Right. It makes them, like we were talking about, not feel like they're alone or struggling by themselves. Yeah. And grief is such a strong, intense emotion. It can be very dark. That, you know, you only feel at certain times of your life that it demands, like it demands to be.

felt. So honestly, trying to fight grief is not the way to go. That's why I think it's important to feel it. But I also think it's important to not let it, you know, overcome you or eat you alive, not let it be the only emotion that you allow yourself to feel. Because I feel like if you think that grief is the only thing that you have left in you, you're going to miss out on, you know, bliss or, you know, like for me, my son, you know, meeting my son, you know, you're going to miss out on all of these other emotions, all of these other things you'll be able to experience to put, like to help you feel all these like new emotions. So I think to let grief be the last emotion anyone would feel or to think grief is the last,

you know, the end all be all. I think that is just super unfortunate for the people that do, you know, do think that because there are lots of other things to feel and lots of other things that your life can hold to kind of show you these new emotions and show you these new experiences that grief, while it is a strong emotion, is not, I don't think, the last thing that anyone should, you know, feel. And I think it, you know, like I said, fighting it is just useless. You're always going to feel grief.

You're always going to feel like some kind of, you know, missing or yearning for whatever you've lost or whoever you've lost. So you're never going to be able to completely take it down. But I think there are ways to put other emotions above. that and learn how to embrace other emotions above your grief to just kind of push it down a little bit so that it's not completely gone. But that, then you allow yourself to miss that person. You allow yourself to think of that person or, you know, whoever you lost. But then you can, you know, you can think about them. You can have your moment and then you can continue to enjoy,

like, the life you have now. And, you know, look at the life you have now and look at, like, the fact that you're here and keep feeling those. new things, if anything, feeling them for that person, like, just going through those things, for those, that person, like, you know, Alex never got to do this, but, like, he can see me do this and, like, he'll see, you know, the joy that it's going to bring me or how I feel, things like that. Like, I just, I don't think you should let grief win in my mind. Grief is always going to try to win. I think people think that grief has already won when it's that intense, but it should never

win. And in my mind, like now by just like healing, that's just like one more thing that I've conquered for me is grief. So like that's just, you know, five years later, I feel still days where like I'm like, oh my gosh, like I can't believe this happened to me. But I look at where I am now and I'm like, I beat that though. Like I beat grief. I've made it past like the dark part of grief. And I feel like that is something a lot of people unfortunately can't say. say or don't get to say. And I am thankful for that. Like I'm, it's crazy how as you start to heal, like you don't even notice your healing until you say, you know, I'm grateful that I got to experience this or, you know, I'm grateful that like I am here and that I can say that I love

someone else or when at the time, you know, you're, I'm never going to love someone else. I could never even hold someone else's hand. Like, you know, that's crazy. So it is weird how it happens without even knowing it. And I think a lot of people put a lot of pressure. on themselves to heal and to like grief quickly and to like get past it or to move on. And I think that is like you can, you know, address the fact that you need to heal. That is one thing. But I think pushing yourself too quickly or, you know, hating the feeling of grief to where you're just like trying to rush it or trying to do things that you're not ready for, that's like another thing. So I, well, I think that there is, like I said, you know, a good way to grieve and to accept your grief and to, you know, heal.

A lot of times I just think it's its own process. And you have to let that process play out, whatever your timeline may be. And that there is no time limit. There is no, you know, you need to move on. You need to find someone else. Like if you don't, you're never. That's not a thing because you're going to turn around in, you know, however many years. and you're going to be like, oh my gosh, like I've been healing this whole time and I had no idea.

So I think a lot of people expect like a quick like proof of their healing. And you're, I mean, you'll get that. Like they're like I said, you'll get times where you're going to be like, oh my gosh. But you're never going to get like a, oh, I'm healed. Or like, oh, you know, a few years later, like, I am so better. You're never going to get that. You're not. But you're going to have moments where you're going to be like, wow, like I can't

believe I see that differently. or I can't believe I see this like in a different light or I think about this completely differently than I would have a couple years ago. And that in itself is a massive deal and people just don't, they don't accept that of themselves. And when you're that sad and you're that hurt, like you want it to go away. You want it to, you want to heal immediately because you don't want to feel it. And I get it. That's why I just wanted to sleep after the accidents because I just wanted to ignore it. but it's almost like you can't ignore the grief and you have to be proactive with your healing, I think.

I don't think you can sit around and wait for, you know, this miracle to come and make you feel better. And whether your healing is a very slow process or, you know, very, however, regardless, like, I think it is just very important to let your healing process like play itself out because if you, if you rush it, you're going to rush your heart, you're going to rush your brain, you're going to rush everything about yourself into things that are just going to make you even more upset, and kind of push you back. So while that's really hard to accept in the beginning, I think later on down the road, you're so much more appreciative to be like, wow. You know, I didn't push myself too hard. And like, you know, I thought my world was falling

apart, but, you know, and I made it through it and it didn't. So I don't know. Like, I know grief is just a crazy concept in itself. You know, loss is a crazy concept in itself. Everyone's different. Everyone's experience is different. Everyone's minds are different. You know, severity of situations are different. Not that it even matters. Trauma is trauma, whether it is small or big to people. And, you know, I think that's just something you have to accept. Like, you've gone through the trauma. Like, you've been altered. But at the same time, you're not going to like who you are grieving. You're not going to like being sad all the time. You're not going to like feeling that hurt. So it's just while feeling out that process and going through that process, it's giving yourself grace to know that

you are healing yourself and you're doing yourself a service by getting yourself out of that hurt, sad, you know, grieving place and helping yourself become happy. Because you, it's not all about the person you lost. It's a lot about, you know, the people that it's affected. Whether it's you, like you, me, my mom, his mom, like, it's affected so many people. So for me to do myself a disservice by, like, falling into that grief and just letting it overcome me, I also feel like I'm doing all those other people a disservice because then at that time, I'm like, they're experiencing even, you know, they're experiencing more sadness for me. So it's, like I said, it just comes down to respecting your grieving process, respecting yourself,

respecting your like support system and your, because, you know, grief causes a lot of emotions. For a lot of people, it's anger. And you can easily take that out on, you know, people you don't even intend to. And the real ones will understand and they'll be there with you through that. They'll get that. But, you know, people can take out grief in all kinds of different ways. So I just feel like it's important that when you are handling your grief, you know, feel the emotions you need to. but also really assess those emotions be like, you know, I am angry. Like, I'm so angry,

but is that a reason for me to, you know, take it out on this person or take it out on that person? And that's hard. It's really hard to be aware of that, like, you know, in the moment, but it's all just a learning curve. And, you know, in the moment you don't want, you don't, you think you're not learning anything. You're not going anywhere. And then you look back and you're like, wow, it really is a learning curve. You know, I've learned so much and I had no idea. So I just, I hope people can learn from this and learn from that and, you know, my words and my story and every other story on your podcast, honestly, and on this platform, because not only are they alone, but they can, you know, they learn. Like, it's such a learning process. They're learning from watching these people, no matter where they are

in their trauma, you know, timeline or, you know, timeline. trauma like they're healing or anything like that but they watch it and you know they are learning um so i hope people can learn from this as well and learn from my experience and i hope that grieving for them isn't you know they can see that it's not the last chapter it's not the last emotion um and they have so much more ahead of them than what they realize um yeah perfect You did really, really good. Thank you. Honestly, of course.