We're All Insane - Life as a Nurse

Episode Date: January 8, 2023

Angela shares her experiences working as a nurse. She talks about witnessing a patient passing away for the first time, working in a stressful unit, and finding her passion in nursing. She talks about how she understands why some nurses dislike their jobs, but she was lucky to find the right one that allows her to feel motivated and inspired to help people.  Angela: https://www.instagram.com/angelaaltese/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y%3D If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the show, please email [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, so my name's Angela. I'm a registered nurse licensed in New York State. I work bedside. in a cardiothoracic ICU, and I also do, I'm a certified injector, so I do Botox, fillers, and all that. And I kind of wanted to just touch upon, like, the life of a nurse, what we do in the hospital, how it affects our life outside of it as well. I guess I'll just begin with how I came to be a nurse.

So I first was in college and I was majoring, my major was exercise science. I was following a PT track. I wanted to be a physical therapist. and I started working for a physical therapist to kind of just see if I really liked it because everything's like different on paper than, you know, when you actually work in the field. And he was really smart. He taught me a lot. You could tell he was really passionate about what he did.

He worked with honestly all age groups, but specifically like a lot of young athletes. And at the time, like I was just super into like ergonomics and like the way you move your body and like health and fitness and all that. So I was like, oh, this is like the perfect job for me. And then honestly, just working, it wasn't like the place. It wasn't anything like that. It just wasn't for me. Yeah.

I felt like I wasn't, it wasn't like feeding my soul. Like it wasn't rewarding for me. And so at the time, I don't remember why I was like taking classes in the summer. But I was in college and I was in a summer class. And I was like, all right, well, I was in chemistry one. and KEM 2 was about to begin. And I knew I didn't want to do this anymore. So I was like, why am I going to put myself through this second class if I don't want to do this like career anymore?

I knew I wasn't going to keep this major if I wasn't going to continue with that career. And but I was like, what do I do? Drop out of this class and then don't take the second class and then do what? Like the next semester was going to begin. So I was like I kind of needed to know what I was going to do. and I spoke to my sister who is a year older than me and she was majoring in nursing at the time and she was like you know why don't you major a nursing and I'm like oh no like I don't want to do that I feel like I was very just uneducated and naive like I had no clue what nursing entailed but in my head

I was like I don't want to be someone's servant like I don't want to be someone's bitch like yeah honestly I feel like a lot of people who have no clue really what nursing is which if you don't work in the hospital, like no one knows this way. Like, no, I wouldn't know what someone else does in their job. Like, you know what it sounds like on paper. But I feel like there's also a lot of stereotypes about nurses or like misconceptions. So. Well, I think it also takes a really certain kind of person, like to be able to do everything

that nurses do. Like, even just hearing from Claudia, like, what she had to go through in clinicals. Yeah. I was like, I could never. You know what I mean? Like, wiping people's ass. And like, you can't really choose during clinicals, right? Like, or anything like that.

Okay. Yeah. Well, you have to. go through different like specialties. Yeah. And so you, you can't pick. You have to go through all of them regardless. Because with each type of clinical, so like a labor and delivery, there was a class

for that in school that you had to pass. So you had to do both like simultaneously. Which is kind of good, I feel like. Because then you kind of get a feel of like, okay, I like this. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, so that was good. So I was like, all right.

Like, you know, well, at first I was like, I don't want to do this. this is not really like it doesn't interest me. And she was like, well, the good thing about this career is that if you don't like one thing, you can do something else without having to go back to school, right? So like let's say you're working inpatient bedside, like in a hospital with a geriatric population and they're all like CHF or have congestive heart failure. You're working in a hospital 312, so three shifts a week, 12 hours. and nights, holidays, weekends that all comes with the territory and you're miserable.

You can, let's say, switch to the complete opposite and do outpatient work in a pediatrics office, Monday through Friday with kids and like completely different lifestyle. You can work into school, be a school nurse and have your summers off. Like there's so many different things you could do. And I was like, all right, like, that's a good point. And I had no clue what I wanted to do and I knew I still wanted to work. Like I like science. I kind of wanted to stay in the realm of like health and science and all that.

So I was like, all right. Like I like working with people and I'll try it. It was like whatever. Like I didn't know what I was going to do anyway. So I switched my major. And then after my first semester of clinical of class, I didn't do clinical yet. The second semester doing my nursing. Actually, I think the second semester that I was in this major, I started clinical.

I honestly can't even remember. And it was after I started clinical. that I applied for a position at the hospital that I was doing my rotations at. And it was called a nurse externship. I really don't know the difference. Everyone's like, what's the difference between an externship and an internship? I don't know if it's just what they call it. But it's just like available to nursing students.

And it's a way, I guess, for them to become acclimated to like life as a nurse. Like can you work while you're still doing like in school and doing the clinicals? Yeah. I know some hospitals. Like I'm wondering if that's the difference. of it because like maybe i don't know well no because an internship you still can okay i don't know either i don't know i'm going to try you know the difference no okay i don't know um yeah i have no clue but some externships worked differently i think maybe it was called i don't know an externship because

most of them um were just in the summers okay um mine was different mine was just until like up until i graduated so i could do it during the school year as well and i was going in like once or twice a week depending on like my school and clinical schedule and And I felt like this job, I say it now, even though I'm like, you know, I've worked my way up. I still say like this job was the best job I ever had. I was working close to the nurses so I can see what it was like to be a nurse. But I also was working with the nursing assistants and the AIDS. And I was able to, and just working with both, I feel like, all right, I was going to see

what my future would look like. But then with the AIDS, I was like building a good foundation for myself and honestly learning just how to like interact with patients like I never had experience like that before um i mean in the physical therapy office it was different because it was like you know it's more like it's an outpatient type thing you come in you get treated for an hour really whatever this is like you're taking care of them all day did you so did you work an actual job with the physical therapy as well yeah okay so yeah yeah um and so yeah so i love the job i felt like this was I think when I started this job was when I was like, okay, this like is the career for me.

I don't want this to sound like I'm like, oh, I'm such a good person. But like I really felt like I just like cared so much about these people. And like I was building such good like connections. Like I would come in and genuinely be like so happy. And I really like old people. Like I never wanted to work with kids or babies. I just, I always like the geriatrics. I think they're like the cutest things.

And like if I could adopt every old man as my grandpa would. Oh my God. And you know what? I look at them and I'm like, I just think about this. I don't even know how to put this into words. I feel like it sounds so weird for other people to hear. But I would just like look at these old people and I would feel so bad. And I would think like everyone gets so excited about like, you know, babies and like beginning

of life. And then towards end of life, everyone's like, they're gross. they smell bad like you know all these yeah but they've like put so much of their life and like love and energy into this world and they raised families and they had kids and they were babies once too and then like now they're suffering and they're sitting there like depressed and I just like always felt so bad like I don't know why like my heart I literally would just look at someone and like sometimes sitting in a hospital bed like just look at them like before I go in the room whatever and I would like want to cry just like seeing kind of their face and emotions and like they just looked sad.

But I think like you said that's, that's good because that shows that you actually were so passionate about it and that it was really, like, I feel like that was your confirmation of like, okay, this would fulfill me. This is what I'd want to do. Yeah, it was. Yeah. I don't think because I didn't know if I, I didn't know if I would like what I was,

like the nurse. I didn't know if I would like nursing. And then when I started that job, I was like, okay, this is it. And it was funny because my sister was a nurse, but she was just like, yeah, like, I don't really feel that way. And she's like, this is definitely for you. Like, she's like, I'm still feeling it out. But she works in a hospital.

She actually just switched her. She got a new job. So now she's going to be working in an IVF clinic, like outpatient. She just, I guess that kind of goes into. We're talking about she didn't like bedside anymore. So she was like, all right. Like, I think I need a different lifestyle and a different, like, change of pace. Kind of like get the patients in and out and kind of see something different.

Yeah. And I don't think she'll work like holidays or weekends and stuff. So it's a little like better of a lifestyle. Yeah. But yeah. And I remember once like I would come home. So I worked three to 11 and I would get home at like 1145 around. It was a little far from my house.

And my mom would like always stay awake. She was just like, I just need to make sure you're home safe. And I would always like I would come home and my eyes were like bloodshot because I was seriously like crying. just like I felt bad for these people and she was like oh my god like did a patient die and I was like no I it just feel bad for them and she was like okay well like in she was like this is this is how you know this is for you like she's like this is the career for you and she's like and it makes me so happy because there's so many people who like don't care about these people and there's so many and these people need someone like you know you see videos of like caretakers um like

people have those like cameras in their house and they like hire people to take care of their parents and they're older and even in hospitals yeah I mean people are just people can be evil and it makes me wonder like why do they even apply for those jobs I know because if you're not going to I mean that's with anything even like you know people that would you know watch animals or something it's like I don't understand if you don't like it and you can't do it why do it right you know so I know I do agree because I think and that's with anything even cops like there's good cops there's bad cops like I feel like with anything you do, there's always going to be good and bad. So of course, you know, when somebody's really passionate about it, it's like, it's a reminder and a breath of fresh air that there are like good

people that can take it seriously and do it right, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I think that's kind of, like how my mom felt. She was like, this, they need people like this. And I was just like, I was so happy because I was like, all right, like, this is, this is for me. Like, so happy. I remember one time we were doing, I was in clinical. We were doing post-mortem care on a patient who just died. and he was an older man, honestly probably like in his 80s and they did chest compression so he was like completely bruised

and on his chest his ribs were broken and I like walked in with some of the other like students and like that's it. I was just bawling like I couldn't even breathe like snots coming out of my nose and some of the other girls were crying too and I like came back to work the next day because I work there at the same hospital

And one of the nurses was like, you know, I saw you crying yesterday. She's like, you know, you need to get like thicker skin or else like, you know, you can't do this job because you're going to see death every day. Like you need thicker skin. You can't just cry like that. And I was like, I didn't even normally I'm like, oh my God, like that's so embarrassing. But I was like, honestly, the day that I don't have any emotion towards a patient or a human being dying in front of my face, that's the day like this is this career. is no longer for me. Right.

And I'm not meant to do this. Yeah. So I was like, that was the first time I was like, you know what? No. Like I should be like, why don't you cry a little bit? Yeah. Why don't you have some emotion? Yeah.

Yeah. So I was like, you know what? Like I actually was confident myself and I was like, no. Like I, I'm proud of myself for like crying. I'm like, you know, I'm not ashamed. And so I'm all happy. Like, you know, think this is the best thing ever. And then I graduate and.

and I was like so ready to work. And originally, so my dream from when I graduated was to work in a cardiothoracic ICU where we recover and manage patients right after open heart surgery. And usually to get into like a specialty like that, you have to have some experience first, but there's a hospital that they take you on and they, it's called, you have to get into their fellowship and they'll hire you as a new grad for this specialty. So I applied and I was like, this was like, I put a, all my eggs in this basket.

Like I was like, I don't even want to play anywhere else. I just want to try to get this. And the interview was just horrible. Like, asked me questions that, like, I feel like any new grad, like, no one would know. Right. And I, like, leave the interview. Like, they were, like, quizzing you in a way? Or?

Yeah. They were asking me, like, about specific heart rhythms and, like, treatments for it. And I'm sitting there, like, I spent one day in school going over, like, EKGs. Like, I don't know the answers to that. And like maybe if like they showed me a strip, I'd be able to see what the rhythm is. But like I didn't know certain treatments for like a bunch of different like rhythms at the time. I'm like I don't know what this is. Right.

You were fresh out. So it's like. Yeah. And you know what they say like you don't really learn in school? Like you learn on the job. I feel like yes. Like obviously we studied like crazy and learned a bunch of stuff. But it was like not really applicable until like you're on the job.

Right. And you get the actual experience in the field. Yeah. Like me learning mitosis in biology does not. nothing for a human being. So I had like no clue and I honestly said to them in the interview. I was like, I don't know. And they were like, no, you do. Like, you know, just think a little. And I'm like, no, I don't know. And I walked out and I knew I didn't get the job. I'm like, all right. So I was like crushed, completely defeated. And I was like, all right. So, you know,

I have to start on. I don't want to make it sound like it's like a bad like a shit unit that no one wants to be on, but it's called a med surge unit. So it's essentially like critical care, ICU, you know, like they're the most intense. They need like usually it's like two to one, two patients to a nurse. Like they need to be more closely monitored. And then you have like a step down unit and then you have med surge. So like step down is they still need to be watched a little more closely, but not intensive care. And then you have med surge telemetry, which is they don't need, they're not as sick. They don't need you to be watching them as diligently.

Like it's more like frame. They get a little more freedom to patients. They're stable. And so that was the unit that I started on. I got my job. I think I took my NCLEX in February. I graduated in like December, January. I took my enclaves like a month later and then I was working like two months later.

And I feel like in this job, it was like everything I ever thought I knew about nursing, like my walls just came like crashing down. Like I was like, what like I was like, what did I do? Like it was, I was, I don't know, it was just like I was in for a shock. I was like, this is not what like I thought it was. And it was more like so I was hard. on myself. So I started the job and on this unit at the hospital I was working at, you get six patients to one nurse. My sister also worked on a unit like this. Same unit,

med-surge telemetry, which telemetry just means they're hooked up to cardiac monitors. And then we have monitors outside the room so we can see their rhythms at all times and their heart rate and all that. And so at some hospitals have it where it's just a med-surge and then just the telemetry. So there's like different levels to it. This is, this was one. And my sister worked on a similar unit. And her ratio was one nurse to four patients.

And she would say, like, if it was a bad day and they were really short, they would get six patients. But for the most part, it was like four or maybe five. So I was already like kind of going in a little overwhelmed. Like I have six patients. Like, and they were pretty sick. The hospital I work at, it's an older, it's more of an older, um, patient. population, it's a lot of people who go there have heart problems, more like congestive heart

failure. So it's really later in life. And they're pretty sick. So a lot of their, a lot of people go there because their cardiologists work there and they're older. So I didn't really get like, I wasn't used to, I didn't really get adults. I didn't get like younger people. I wasn't getting 20-year-old patients, 30-year-olds, you know, any type of traumas weren't coming to us. So I felt like it was a pretty heavy workload. And I remember my, when I started, I was like, I wasn't miserable first when I started. I was just like honestly trying to get used to it and learn the rhythm. And I first started training on day shift.

And I was, I didn't like it. I mean, it was just like chaos and it was busy like the whole 12 hours. and I was like, I was just over it. Like, it was like hour eight. And I'm like, how is this nurse still going? Like, I was training with her and I was like, I can't, like, I just can't do this. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder?

Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at American Criminal. So at this point, were you doing the three 12 hours? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So I was following my preceptor schedule, and it's just three, three as a week, 12 hours. And then when I was on my own, because I was hired for nights, I started on nights, which I like nights. I still do nights. And I like it a lot better. But when I was an ex turn, let's say a patient, you know, they ring their call bell. I go in the room and they're like, I'm short of breath or I'm in pain or whatever it may be. I'll take their vital signs.

So I'll check their blood pressure, you know, their heart rate, oh too, said, all that. And I hand it to the nurse and it becomes her problem, right? It's like I did my job goodbye. Like she has to deal with it. She or he like. And if let's say something happens and they have to RRT the patient, like a rapid response and emergency code the patient, you know, if she needs an EKG or like a blood sugar, I can do that for them, but it's not my responsibility to keep this patient alive. And being a nurse,

like, I'm responsible for everything. So like, that is my responsibility. And obviously there's, it's teamwork. There's other, you know, roles that come into play. But it's like, I can't just say, okay, I'll get your nurse now. It's like, that's me. Right. And I just felt like it was a lot of responsibility all at once. And that was with every single patient you were having. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, now it was like, oh, this patient wants, this patient wants to talk to you. This one wants this or this one wants that. And honestly, it's not that it wasn't like, oh, I don't want to deal with them. It was just I felt like at first, okay, maybe I just need to manage my time better, you know.

So I get on and sometimes you'd get on and there's like four call bells going off. Right. And it's all my patients. And there's once like the three to 11 shift leaves, which is the, the AIDS do a different shift. So you're like seven to three, three to 11, 11 to seven. So like once 3 to 11 left, we had like no staff at night. So which usually nights is staffed more poorly than days. And there's there would be like two AIDS and one aide would have like 18 patients.

So I'm not getting any help, right? And it's not their fault. They also need help themselves. And so I was the one who for the most part, it's, you know, you have to work with the aid. And like if a call ball goes off and you don't see them, it's probably because they're in a room with their 18 other patients and like you have to get it. And so you go in the room, but then, you know, let's say the patient was like, hey, I just, I need to go for, I want to go for a walk or I want to, whatever.

That's, or that could be like just getting them out of bed with the monitor and the IV pumps and, you know, maybe they need a walk or whatever it is. That may be already like a 45 minute ordeal. And then there's someone else who's been calling for 30 minutes. And then you finally get this patient back to bed. Oh, okay, you know, after that walk, it really tired me like, I need to. pain meds. So now you're even prolonging this even longer where someone's been ringing for you. Yeah. It's over. It sounds overwhelming. It's so overwhelming. And so then I'm like, okay, so then I run to

the med room, someone's in the med room. So then I wait because I'm like, let me just finish with this patient because if I go to the next patient while someone's in the med room, then this patient may need something that will take me a half hour and then I never got their pain meds. So then it's like you wait, you go, you get their payments, you give it to them and you have to take their blood pressure before you give them pain meds because if their blood pressure is really low, you don't want to give them a narcotic that's just going to tank it. So, you know, then finally get out of the room and you go to your other patient's room and they're like, I've been waiting an hour. And it's like, they're mad at you. Sometimes they're cursing at you, just degrading you. And I get it. I mean,

honestly, like, I don't really blame them. Like, unless they're, like, calling for water, which can wait. Yeah. Like, I understand why they're frustrated because they're calling for help and they've been waiting for 45 minutes and there's like no one really to help. And, you know, maybe there's other nurses, but then they're in their rooms and there's an aid that's on the other side that could come over and help on this side, but she's in a patient room as well. And so it's like I went from feeling like I was making such a difference in people's lives and I was connecting so well to them and that like, you know, just feeling so rewarded to feeling like I was failing them and I was failing myself. Like I was I was like I'm failing these patients.

because no one's happy. Like, I'm not making anyone happy. And then I felt like I was failing myself because I was like, you were just so happy that you were made for this. Like you wanted to work so bad. You were so excited to graduate. And now you're miserable. And you can't make yourself happy and you can't make your patients happy.

So, like, you know, I was just like so down on myself. And I feel like I being that, and I know there's nurses who work on similar units. units in different states that have like eight patients, 10 patients. So I don't even know how they do that. I'm not even saying that I have it like horrible. But I felt overwhelmed with six. And the unit I worked on, we did a lot of, well, it was the orthopedic unit in the hospital. So we did joint replacements and spinal surgeries.

And those patients are on fluids for a certain amount of time after surgery. and let's say they got their knee done. Sometimes they're in like an immobilizer. Like it looks like a big black leg brace. Even their hips, backs. Like it's going to take them a good half hour to get out of bed because they're in pain. They just got their joints done like swinging off the bed. You use your legs, your hips or even your back.

So usually and they're usually in, you know, they want their pain meds around the clock because just to manage it better so that they can move without pain. So when physical therapy comes in the morning, they can get up and walk and some patients weren't so much pain, let's say, then they can't do physical therapy and then they're delaying their progress. So there's usually, there was more of a routine with these patients you knew, okay, they needed to get up the same day of surgery. Let's kind of go on a schedule with your pain meds.

Let's get you walking at this time because they were on fluids. They had to go to the bathroom a lot. And so it was a lot to manage like ortho patients. and I just never liked ortho. It wasn't them. It just was never something I was interested in. Like I always wanted to be in an ICU that, you know, focused on like the heart. And then here I am on like focusing on like bones and joints.

So it just wasn't anything that I really liked. But I just felt like I was so task oriented that it was like, okay, you know, assess the patient. You know, go in the room, assess the patient, take their blood pressure, give them their meds, go to the next one. And it was like there was no talking to. these people, there was no way to, like, form any type of bond or connection with them, in my opinion. Maybe some nurses felt like it wasn't as hard for them, but I personally just felt like I was struggling. And I think that's why I wasn't happy because I did like talking to these people. And I did like, you know, asking them questions and sitting with them and learning

about, you know, where they came from or where they lived, just like small talk, honestly. and I was just like running. It was like, okay, medicated this one, go to the next one. Okay, go to this one, the cold. And it was just like, what could I, how efficiently could I get in and out of the room so that I could get my stuff done? And really like, you don't have to talk to these patients, right? Like you don't have to have a conversation with them if you don't want to,

but you have to get your charting done and you have to give your meds. And if you discharge a patient, you have to do your. discharge paperwork and you get an admission from the ER or someone comes from surgery. There's orders that you have to follow or it's your job on the line, your license, God forbid something happened. So that's what you're focused on doing. And you like lose sight of the fact that these are people and the whole point of really being bedside and being a nurse is also to interact and form like connections with these people. And I think when I lost that aspect of it all, I was just miserable and I was like this isn't it I was I felt so burnt out I was working overtime because it

was like my first big girl job so I was like I love the money I was making and then the overtime pay was like double time it wasn't even time and a half so I was like oh this is double time like no problem so then I was picking up like extra shifts all the time and working nights could be hard as well because I love nights. I wouldn't switch it, but I know at first, I, even though I liked it, I was like, oh, like, this is hard because now I've kind of got a routine with it and I kind of know, you know, when I need to be up and how long I need to sleep in order to, you know, but in the beginning, you're literally asleep when the sun's out and then when you wake up, the sun's down. So you never see the light. Like, yeah. And that's depressing, especially for people who have, like,

seasonal depression. It's like you feel like that all you're around because you never see the daylight. And when you get out of work and you do see the sun, you're going right to bed. And so let's say I worked last night. I would have been up this morning. I would have been out of work at like 8 a.m. this morning. And if I am back tonight, if I was back tonight, I would just sleep because, you know, I had to sleep before I was back that same day. But if I'm now that I'm, if I'm off from work, I work. last night and I'm off today. I usually would like get home at 8 o'clock, shower, um, eat something. And then I'll sleep from like 9 to 12. So I'll just get like three hours of sleep, which really is nothing. But then I would get up and at least I was up and I saw the daylight and I would make use

of my day. Yeah. Because it's like if that's your one day off and you slept that whole day, then you are waking up at like 5 o'clock at night. Who is hanging out with you on a Monday at 5 o'clock? Like everyone had work. Everyone's going to sleep. And there's nothing open. Like, what are you going to do? So you just sit in your house and literally like maybe you'll have dinner with your family or like, but that's it. And then everyone wants to go to sleep because everyone has work the next day.

And you're up all night because you just woke up at five o'clock. So now it's like 2 a.m. And you're sitting there watching TV. And it's like what kind of life is that? So I feel like that also at first, when I first started nights, I feel like I really, really. really relied on my sleep to kind of get me through my shift. So I was sleeping a lot and I felt like I had no life. And that was hard. It's like sacrificing like your social life in a way or like any type of like normalcy outside of work. Yeah. And then I wasn't used to working. I knew I would have to work

weekends. And honestly, it didn't really bother me. It's still I really don't care. But I, um, I never really worked holidays. So that was kind of rough because I was like, I had FOMO. And I was like, well, it's like Christmas. Like I don't want to be, like I want to be opening gifts with my family. Like, um, and whereas when I was an ex-turn, I did work not, I didn't have to work that many holidays because it really was kind of just like an internship, but I worked, um, some holidays. And I never minded it.

Because I was like, well, you know, here's people who are missing out with their family as well. Like, so we're in it together type of thing. Right. And I think this like, you know, um, when I became a nurse and all this. stuff kind of piled up on it on itself it was like all right just add another thing to the list like you know and um so then i hit my year mark and i usually it's like a year until you can go to a different specialty like labor and delivery or um critical care um even i think emergency room sometimes they require some experience it really depends on the hospital um but and i guess i don't

know if it varies between states. So I hit my year and my hospital, not all hospitals have a CTICU and mine does. So I applied to transfer to the CTICU and I got the job and I was like, oh, thank God, like this is what I wanted all along. Like I was, I just couldn't do it anymore. And I was really sad to leave my coworkers because really they like were the best. But I knew like I could, I was so depressed. My fiance was like, you're miserable like, all. all the time. Like, what can we do? Like, like, I wasn't even like anger. I was just like miserable. And he's like, like, whatever it is that you need to do, wherever you need to move and whatever specialty, like, what can we do to like start get the ball rolling? Because like, this is not like,

okay, like you're not happy. And at first I'm like, okay, maybe it's just me. But, you know, like, you know, like, you know when you like talk to your friend and you're like, oh, I hate my life. And they're like, oh, my God, me too. Like we would talk amongst ourselves and we'd be like, my head, I'm miserable. And it seemed to be like what everyone felt. So I'm like, all right, this profession just sucks. Like it is what it is. That's why there's like memes about it and videos and like TikToks about it. Like and people make fun of it because like it sucks. And I felt like I was just like throwing pills at people and running out of the room and like I'm just like this is not what I like thought at all. And then I went to this new unit, which I like would, I walked on my first day to train and

I was already just like fascinated. Like there's all these like life saving devices that I never heard of and ever like, you know, I've never saw a patient like intubated and sedated. And it was just I was like, I was afraid to touch them. I was afraid to touch the wrong wire like or line or anything. And I felt like, okay, like this was the challenge I needed. I wanted to learn more. I wanted to do more.

I wanted I wanted more responsibility. I wanted someone to be like, wow, like you know how to do that. You know, like I felt more important and useful. I was going to say, too, it sounds more like thrilling and exciting. Yeah. It's like, I feel like if you lose that thrill in anything you do, it's like what's the point of doing it? It becomes like this pattern.

It sounds like that's what the other job, you know, or the other unit you were on. It was like it became this pattern of like go, go, go. Yeah. And I feel like even from when you first started sharing your story, like when you were, I mean, you said how important it was to form the connection with people, which I just feel like if you're a people person and that matters to you, that's always going to matter no matter what you do. Right. So it's like if you get into this routine of not even being able to talk to someone for more than just like,

here's this. You know what I mean? You're going to. There's no way to be happy because it's like at the end of the day you're not even being social. Like there's no human interaction. It's literally just like there's a word I'm trying to think of. But it's, I can't think of it. But it's just like, yeah, you're just going in this pattern of like, you know, go, go,

and you don't even have a second to just stop and like say hello. and even take a second for yourself, it sounds like. Yeah, like, I'm like, these are people that are relying on me for 12 hours. And I think they forgot my name already. And I don't even know their name. Like someone would be like, do you have room, whatever? And I would look at my paper and be like, who's that again? Because it really was just, it was just so chaotic.

And I mean, everywhere is shortstaffed. It's not just my hospital. It's like every hospital is shortstaffed. So it wasn't like I was. like, oh, I'll go somewhere else. It would be better. You know, the grass isn't always greener. And I knew that this, it's just the way it was.

Like, um, do you think it's the short staffing? Do you think that's a problem because there's just not enough people that want to be nurses or? Honestly, I think it's because no one really wants to work bedside anymore. And because that, honestly, I feel like a lot of times I see that on TikTok too. People will make videos and they'll say that, like, like, like, you know, like, you know, leaving bedside was the best thing they ever did and now they work outpatient and they love their job like you know just at like a doctor's office or something um and i think a lot of times people will like let's say i got into this job and i didn't have any aspiration to do critical

care or do something else and i kind of just was like all right i'm a nurse i'll do whatever comes and i got that job and i never left like i never wanted to move somewhere else i probably would have just been like would have quit too and been like without having something else signed up, I probably would have quit and then just said, all right, let me like look for some outpatient like office to work at because this sucks. Like yeah. And I think a lot of people, you have to give up your weekends. You have to give up your holidays.

You have to give up. You have to be willing to work nights. And I mean, look, it's not like, you know, I'd like to think, I mean, at 22 years old, I got out of school. I'd like to think I was making good money for a 22 year old. So it's not like. I was getting abused. Like I signed up for a job that I knew I was going to work, you know, these hours and these

days. But not everyone wants to do it. And why do it if you're miserable? Like, why have a worse schedule if you're miserable? So I think it's the bedside aspect. People are relying on you for 12 hours. And if something doesn't get done, it falls on you. If honestly on anything, no matter, I feel like I've noticed most things, even if,

I don't want to like throw other people under the best. Like if another, um, someone else in a different role, let's say doesn't do their part. It kind of still falls on the nurse. So like let's say the doctor orders a medication, uh,

or a PA or N. whoever it is orders, um, a medication and you give it because that's what was in the order. Um, maybe it seems reasonable to you. All right. Like they just wanted them on this medication.

Doesn't seem crazy. It's not like it's a, you know, and you give it. And, And that medication, let's say they meant to order something else, it's your fault because you were the last line and you gave it to the patient. So it's your fault for not questioning the order. If a patient is going for surgery and their labs, let's say sometimes they want their blood work drawn like right away, 4.30 in the morning so that they're ready.

If the bloods aren't drawn, which on my old unit, the nurses didn't draw the labs, it was the nursing. assistants, it wasn't like, well, why didn't the nursing assistant draw the blood? It's why isn't your patient's blood drawn? And it falls on you. So I felt like there was just a lot of like everything fell on us. And it was like I was just always constantly like making sure I did everything right. Like even the littlest thing like charting. If you didn't, you know, document something like that's a problem.

You could get called while you're sleeping ready for to come back the next night. they'll call you while you're home and call you about it. And it's like, so I felt like there was just, there's a lot of stress that comes with it. And some people who didn't really care to, you know, do something big or do not big, but just like do something different and kind of move up and try to go back or go back to school. Like a lot of people that nurses that I've talked to wanted to go to the ICU so that they can go back to school and be like a critical care NP or go to. CRNA, which is like anesthesia school for nurses.

So, and you need ICU experience for that. So a lot of times people went that route and did something different. They tried the ER because maybe they wanted to be a travel nurse and they didn't want to travel in the specialty they were in. So they're like, all right, let's, because they knew sometimes certain states the patient ratios were worse. So they do different specialties just as a means to their next kind of step. And I feel like people who really didn't have that.

desire and just kind of were okay with graduating being a nurse and just leaving it at wherever they were started the job and they were like well this sucks so then they just left because it was like well they didn't have a plan to do something else anyway and then they kind of just find more of like a job more local at like an office that is just an easier lifestyle for them where they're not miserable you know I don't know if that makes sense yeah no it does that's why I feel like people um they're not really able to like retain people in the hospitals and then I feel like, well, so some people will leave. I, on my unit now, I mean, I think a few people left.

Someone went to school. Some just, I think actually most of them, they left for school or someone retired. And then we like, hired a few more people and, you know, everyone's like, oh, we got all, you know, all this new staff. And I'm like, no, we didn't because we just lost five. So we just gained, like, sweat, six. So we just gained one. You know what I mean?

It was like, we get so excited. We're like, oh, my God, we have staff again. And like, but you don't because people are leaving. And I think now too, especially everyone wants to go back to school or do something else. Because there's so much you can go back to school for and do as a nurse. And so a lot of people now want to go back to school. So there's a lot more turnover and a lot of people that leave. And so I feel like it's really hard to keep staff now.

Yeah. And so yeah. So whereas I was saying that I started on this new unit. You were on the new unit and you saw how cool and different. Yeah, I just thought it was the coolest thing. Like, I was like, these nurses like know this stuff. Like, they know how to like deal with this stuff. And I was like, this is what I need.

Like I need to feel like useful. I need to do something other than just like grabbing someone water. Like I don't know. Yeah. And I don't mean to degrade like a med surgery telemetry unit. There's people who are happy there. I mean, I did do it and I am so happy I did it. Because at first, you know, I wanted to work in an ICU.

and I didn't get the job. And I was really upset about starting on a medsage unit. But it gave me such good experience and such a good foundation. I feel like if I never did it, I would have been a worse nurse than I am now because it gave me my foundation. And there were so much that I learned. I mean, the nurse is there. I went to them even until my year when I left, I was still going to them with questions.

Because you really, you're not going to learn everything in a year. And they were so intelligent. They helped me so much. And I learned a lot. It just wasn't for me. me. So I just didn't feel fulfilled. I, again, I felt like I could have been doing more. I'm like, I'm just not like reaching my full potential here. You know, so on this new unit, I was just like ready. I'm like, this is it. Like this is so cool. And I feel like I on this on my old unit and just

when I started being a nurse, I don't mean to make it about the unit made me feel like made me upset. It was just the life and what I felt like I thought nursing was about when I started. And I noticed that I just like I lost my compassion. I had like no empathy anymore. I was like I said, just very tasks like driven and oriented. And I just like I didn't care. Like I feel like I had no emotion. And I felt like I was getting angrier more often. And I was like I had no patience. And I was very irritable. And so when I started on this new unit, I felt like I was going into it already with this tainted mindset and these tainted feelings, which was upsetting because I wanted to start fresh, but I, it wasn't more of a mindset. It was just kind of who I became. Like, I was just,

like, how do you make yourself patient if you're not? You know, like, I was just, I had no patience anymore. And, but I was like, all right, like, you know, let's see what this is about, whatever. and I was training and I really loved it. I was learning a lot. I thought the nurses were like Einstein, like what they were doing. It was so cool. And then I was on my own. And again, like, you know, everyone's short-staffed, every unit.

And but I did like it. I was, I first, they started me off with patients that were like easier for, you know, because I was new and they didn't want to like jump me into patients that it were a challenge or that I wasn't going to be able to manage for my sake in the patient safety. So I'm like, all right, like, I'm over right now. Like, these are the patients. This is the stuff I was used to before. I was like, I wasn't like, you know, but gradually they would challenge me more and give

me, you know, more challenging cases. And I got to see more. And there's like certain devices that you can get competencies in. Like you can get certified, I guess you could say to do. And I signed up for some classes. I was doing classes. I wanted to do different devices and, like, certain devices call for just, like, a one-to-one. So one nurse to one patient or even sometimes two nurses to a patient just because of the acuity

and of the patient, how sick they are. And these were, like, things I really wanted to do. And so I really liked when I switched. I liked the unit and I liked what I was doing. Could I say that I was like, oh, I love nursing? Like, not really, but I was happier for sure. Like, I knew I was talking to some other nurses that came on and I felt like they were like, I don't know how I feel about it.

And I was like, really? Like, you don't like this better than that? Like, you don't like this better than what we were doing. And some of them were like, I guess, or I have to feel it out, but I feel like right away, I was like, yep, I like that. Yeah. Was it the same hours, like the three? Yeah.

Yeah. I worked nights to begin with and I stayed with nights. And the 312s, yeah. So the thing about the 312s is like everyone thinks that you work three days a week, like Mondays, you say Wednesday and then you just have four days off. And it never works like that. Like you can be, our week starts on Sunday and ends on Saturday. So you can be on Sunday and then be on, let's say Sunday, Monday, like Friday.

or you could be on Monday, off Tuesday, back Wednesday, Thursday. So you only really get a day, but then you're kind of taking that day to like recover and get your rest. Right. Sometimes you can schedule like three days a week. So let's say like Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. And then you're three days at the end of the next week. So like Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

So you have like a nice eight days off. I think it is. So that's nice about the threes. I am like anti three in a row because it just makes me miserable in person. So I refuse. Like if I don't have to, I won't do three in a row. I just think that I have a better mindset when I'm like, okay, I'm only on for one. Like I'm not back tomorrow.

I can handle anything for 12 hours. Right. And I can be the best nurse there is for 12 hours. I can be patient. I can try to get to know these people because it's 12 hours. So no matter how bad it is, I'm not back, right? Right. And the good thing about not about working for someone else is you never take the work home

with you. Like, when I leave and clock out, I left that patient in someone else's hands and it's their responsibility for the next 12 hours. And I don't have to go home and worry about it at all. I mean, you may think about it, but it's not your responsibility once you left. And so I like to do, like, I'll usually prefer like one on, one off. I mean, a lot of night nurses don't like that because then they feel like that one day off they're sleeping a lot, all the, the whole day. but I've kind of gotten my routine where I'll like sleep for three hours wake up and like do something with my day. Even like two on. I could do two on like but I just I really don't like threes.

And I think threes also like fuck with people's head too because you're it's literally just like sleep, go to work. Sleep, go to work. There's nothing in between because you get out in the morning and it's not like when you get home from work Monday night, you're going to work the next day. You're going to work that same day. So you get home in the morning, you sleep, you're back that night. And so there's no room for anything else. And I feel like when I would do other jobs and work like more during the daytime when I was like in high school or something, even though I had to be up early the next day, let's say even

just for class, like if you're in school, you get home kind of late. You have to be up early the next day. But you kind of have your time to just like sit and unwind and like lay on your couch, watch an episode whereas I felt like when I would get out that morning. I'm like, well, I'm back to the same day. And just working overnight, even if you had a lot of sleep, I feel like it, you just are more tired. Like it's just, we're not programmed to like be up overnight.

So I didn't want to sit and have coffee on my couch. I was so shot. I just wanted to go to sleep. So you're just like sleep work, sleep work, sleep work. And if you had a horrible shift, it's like, who wants to be back the next day for 13 hours? So I'm like, I prefer to not like, do. shifts back to back, but it depends. Sometimes you just want to make your schedule so that you have some more time off. But yeah, so I like the 312s. I always say I don't think I could ever switch

to days, but I don't think I could ever switch to like a Monday to Friday schedule. It's also pretty nice because it's flexible. So I said I do injections to like Botoxin filler. And it's nice because like I can schedule clients around some so most nurses would like sleep before night shift. I feel like some, a lot of nurses though, they've kind of gotten their routine down like me where like they're not sleeping up until the point of work if it's like their first day on. So like sometimes I'll wake up at like 10 o'clock. I'll like try to sleep in a little later like 10, 11 so that I slept. And then I'll like go do like a client for lips or two clients or three.

Like I'll schedule a few and then I'll go straight to the hospital. So that's where I like nights because it's a little. little flexible where I can do things beforehand. I mean, when I first started, I was like getting up at 10 o'clock. Like, I'm going to work and I have to sleep till 4 o'clock. But now I feel like I've gotten my routine where it's a little different. So I make use of like my day. So I feel like I still had my day, even though I'm at work at night.

I'm not just my day's gone and all I do is work. Yeah. So when did you start doing the injections and stuff like that? I started recent in August, September. And I like it because I always was interested in it, but I felt like it was just different. And it was like a different side of nursing that I feel like a lot of people don't realize you could do. And that's another thing about nursing, which is nice, is like there's literally so many different things you could do. You don't have to work with patients like bedside taking care of them, giving meds or hanging blood.

Like you can do something a little more glamorous if you want to. So yeah, I started that in like August, September. I think it was more towards like more in September is when I really like started. I made like an Instagram and I was like doing it. But yeah, it's really nice. I like it's like both. I get to do like both. I was going to say, so do you like doing both?

Like do you think you're going to do both for a while? Yeah. I don't think I'll ever leave the hospital. Okay. A lot of people ask me that. They're like, why don't you just leave this crap and like go do that full time? But I don't think I'm fulfilled without the CTIU. I think I feel like I don't even know half of what there is to learn.

And I already feel so much more fulfilled in what I'm doing. And I don't, I think, I always think about going back to school. I'm like, I'm young. This is like my time if I want to. And then another part of me is like, you're really going to go back to school. And I'm like, I think I want to further what I'm doing now with the hospital job. Because I don't think I would be happy. I would have probably a lot less stress, but I don't think I would be happy just doing like Botox and fillers and injectables.

Like it's fun and I love it and I don't see myself stopping. But it's different. Yeah, it's different. And I do, I like what I do at the hospital now. Yeah. So I wouldn't, I wouldn't leave. Everyone says that to me like, you should just leave. And I'm like, I can't.

I don't think I would. I don't know. I just, I wouldn't be fulfilled. I'd be like, I need more. I was going to say, and there might come a time too in your life, like as you get older, where you might want to slow down and have like a slower pace. But I mean, you're young and if you don't want that yet, there's nothing wrong with that. I do have a question.

So when you were in the hospital and going to these different units, like when you would start on a new unit and like even when you were fresh out of school, did you ever feel like any of like the higher up nurses, like, look down on you or, like, were rude in any way at any time just because you were, like, new and might not, like, know as much? Um, I feel like this is like a popular topic. Like, even on like TikTok, I like watch videos all the time about it. Um, when I first started on the unit, the first unit I was on, I didn't feel that way because it seems, it's more of a, a medsorge unit is, it's more typical for a new grant to start in a Metser unit since it's kind of like a lot of places.

is like I said, want you to get your foundation first and start there before you do other things. So a lot of nurses start there. I mean, some never leave, but some do. And they get their foundation and they leave. And so I felt like there was a lot of turnover because people were really just doing it to get to the next thing. And a lot of times also it was the first job you could get. Like for me, that was the first job I got since I got rejected from like my dream. Yeah.

So it was a lot of new nurses. and everyone was so young. So I never felt that way. But then when I went to the CTICU, no one was ever rude to me. It was all in my head. But like there were so many older nurses there that I, which I,

it was more of like a shell shock. I was like, oh my God. And now there's like more of a wave. Like they just kept hiring a bunch of people more my age. So now there's like, I feel like a really good mix. But I feel like for a solid month that I was there,

I was, everyone was like, you're the youngest on the unit. Like you're the baby of the unit. and I really was. Like everyone was older. And I think I was just intimidated on my old unit. If we needed like a bin-level practitioner,

like we needed to put orders in or something happened with a patient, we would have to page them and wait for them to page us back. And on this unit, I mean, these patients are really sick. It's an ICU. So there's like MLPs on the unit. So there's PAs, nurse practitioners sitting there. And I think that also made it a little more intimidating for me. they're very smart they know exactly what they're talking about the nurses that are more seasoned than

have been there for a while know exactly what they're talking about and i'm literally know nothing and also i came from like an orthopedic spinal unit and we're doing open heart here now so i'm like i yes there's like a lot that i could take with me but also like i didn't know how to get a patient even sitting up with like a chest tube and then they have like pacing wires i'm like what's a pacing wire. Like I really had no clue what any of this stuff was. And we really never saw like chest tubes and all these things. So I feel like it was intimidating for me. And in my head, I felt like everyone's looking at me judging me. And I was very nervous to like ask questions because I was like, she just thinks I'm stupid or he just thinks I'm like stupid. But honestly, once I was, I don't know why

I felt this way when I was training for some reason because the preceptor I was with, he's like the best. Like I even always go to him. He's so great. But I guess I just felt like everyone was just like staring, like who's the new girl? And I definitely was in my head, though, because when I finished and I was on my, finished training and I was on my own, everyone was always like, are you okay? Do you need help with anything? Like constantly checking up on me.

And I would go to anyone with any questions. Like I remember my first day on my own. I come in and like my patients, she already was intubated and sedated. but then she started like seizing. And so I had to bring her down to cat scan because they were like, all right, like, you know, they had to take a cat scan of her of her brain. And I'm like, well, how are we bringing her to a cat scan downstairs? And she's connected to a ventilator and she has 10 IV poles.

And like what, how am I doing this on my own? I just freaked out. And, you know, because then you have to get respiratory to come and they bring, I guess, like this portable ventilator and they have to come down with you and you need, transport and then usually like you could go on your own depends like how much is really attached to the patient you may need someone else and one of the nurses stepped in right away she's like I'm like I just had my one patient right now like I'll come with you and I probably would have like died if she didn't come with me I would have no clue what I would I like would I like would

would have pulled that something like I don't know I didn't know what I was doing and then I'm also like how do you how is she seizing if she's like sedated like I didn't understand and um everyone was just like so hands on helping me. And so I feel like I really couldn't like be more grateful. But I see all the time online like nurses saying that like they're getting bullied by older nurses. And I never understood that because I'm like, you complain that you're short staffed. You get staff to come on and then you're nasty because they don't know what they're doing. Why don't you just help them and teach them this way they could be of use?

Like didn't you want them to come? You wanted the staff, right? And now they're here and you're just mad because. they're young like I never understood that yeah and I feel like too everyone needs to learn you know what yeah and I think it's interesting that you know I end good also that you have such like even though you had a moment where you didn't love something you were doing that you're shedding such a positive light on it because I remember even I worked for this woman a while ago like a babysat for her she was older but um I remember she like made a comment once I was young but she was like never be a nurse like

it's horrible and like all this stuff. And like, it's just like you said, it's kind of like the things that you hear all the time. And I think that what you said is really important because once again with anything, you know, you might start at a lower, you know, tier that you might not love,

but you kind of have to go through in order to like learn and realize, do I like this or not. You know, and it kind of reminds me too, like what you said of like you, it wasn't what you thought it would be on, you know, how it was on paper.

Like how I wanted to be in the FBI. And everybody would say, to me, like, it's not what you think. Because I'm, like, such a go-go person. Like, I was like, I want to be in the field, like, solving crime scenes. And people were like, no, it's like 90% paperwork. And I'm like, no way. It's not like that in the shows.

You know what I mean. But. So true. Yeah. I don't think anything is really what it seems until you do it, you know. And no, I think that, yeah, I just think it's really interesting to hear you, you know, like share this. And I think it's good because there might be people, too.

I feel like because social media is so influencing to people that they might hear one bad story and it might completely change their mind. But then if they hear, well, there's so many different things that you can do and like, you know, tap into that might interest you. You know, it's worth it to give it a chance and just see it. And nothing's easy. You know what I mean? You're not going to start right away and just like have it down and know what you're doing.

Yeah. So yeah, but do you think that you're going to like is this a unit that you think you want to stay on? Is there like any other units that would interest, do you think? Or was this? No, I feel like this is it. I do want to go back to school. I'm not really sure what I want to do. It'll definitely be just an extension of what I'm doing like furthering my career now.

It's not like I want to do something different. Yeah. But I definitely want to go back to school. I mean, there's like options. And now I feel like maybe I want to do like CRNA and do like, which is like, I say like I explain to people like anesthesia school for nurses and you need ICU you experience for that. That would be cool.

Yeah. Or even nurse practitioner just because I like what I'm doing and I love it, but I'm like, okay, what's next now? And I know I shouldn't have that mindset yet because there's so much more for me to still learn that I don't know it all. I'm still, I've only been on this unit for, I think now it's like I'm going on. I think it is seven months now, which may sound like a little bit of time, but I feel like it's really not for all that there is to do there.

but so I do plan to stay there for a while longer and I would definitely want to go back to school. I feel like now is my time. But I don't see myself going to a different unit and just like bouncing off what you said when someone was like, don't ever be a nurse. I feel like that's what you're right. That is what you hear and people make it sound like this just like dirty, horrible thing. And it's really not. I mean, every unit's different. You know, I mean, we're at the end of the day, if something's happening and this patient's crashing, like we're saving their lives.

We're really helping, you know, giving blood transfusion, CPR, whatever it is that we're doing. And I also understand why, you know, everyone's like, oh, if you don't like what you do or you complain, why don't you just leave? Why don't you just leave? Do something else. It's not that easy. I was fortunate that, like, the second. I was able to go up to this ICU and do something different. I did it and was able to.

But there's nurses who have been on these med search units for honestly, like decades, like over 10 years, maybe 20 years. And they're not happy. Like I've talked to some nurses and they don't want to be there. But if they've said, you know, it's not really that easy to just, okay, go somewhere else because if you go somewhere else, let's say they're working day shift. Sometimes there's only night shift available. And maybe they're the ones who are putting their kids to bed at night and they need to be home at night for their kids or making dinner for their kids. Like sometimes their schedule

and what they have, they keep it because it works for their family or they may get a job somewhere else, but they're taking a pay cut and they can't really afford to take a pay cut. So or even just like someone was telling me, why don't you go to, there's a CTSU at the original hospital that I applied for. And like, why don't you try to move there now? Like, you know, you've got this position. I'm sure you can get that one now. And maybe you'll get paid. I think you'll get paid more. But I'm getting married next year. And I'm like, I have accumulated all this vacation time. And that training there is a year. So what am I going to do? Train. And they're paying me to train. So I'm going to get paid my full salary to train, which means I'm not contributing to staffing, right?

because I'm with another nurse and helping her or him with their patients. And then as soon as I finish training, I'm going to be like, okay, by the way, I'm like going to leave for three weeks to go on vacation. It's like it doesn't, you know, really work. That way I've accumulated no time. I've put none of my own time into the job. So sometimes, like I said before, like the grass isn't always greener. And sometimes people who want to leave can't. It's not as easy for them or they may want to, but they're sacrificing for like their family.

or themselves and I don't know, some people have to pay rent. And sometimes you don't get more money when you go somewhere else. And, you know, you've been at a certain hospital for 10 years and you're making what you're making because you've been there for 10 years and going somewhere else. You're not going to make the same amount of money. So it's not always easy to just say, oh, just leave. And sometimes when you're there, I feel like there is this whole thing of like,

oh, are they going to be nice to me? And a lot of people don't leave their unit because they're afraid. And they're like, well, I don't want to go somewhere else. and then be miserable and no one likes me. And if I hate it, what do I do? So there's like that too where it's like, it's, again, it's just not as easy to just be like, all right, I don't like this. I'm going somewhere else.

It's not as, I think everyone's like, oh, there's a, you know, a nursing shortage. So it's so easy to get a job. It really isn't. I mean, I feel like I even shrug. I mean, I started working like, what, two hours after I passed my boards, which isn't a long time. But, I mean, the amount of hospitals that I just threw my resume at. and applied and filled out applications and the amount I heard back from was like a big difference. Yeah.

So it's really like no one's begging you to work for them. No one's like outside with a flyer saying come here. We have a job for you. Like it's not that easy. And especially like people who want to go into different specialties, they don't hire as easily I find as just like general med surge units in my experience. At least it's where I live. Yeah. So there's that too.

Yeah, and I think too, you know, just kind of going back to what we were saying about, you know, how big it is on social media to talk about, like, nursing and all these different careers, you know, I just think that it's really interesting that, um, I just lost my turn to thought. Gone. Gone like the wind. Just gone. It's okay. I can keep Bram. Like, no, I really had something to say. And then it just poofed. I hate that. And you're like, you're thinking it. All the other person's talking, she's like, I know what it was. It related back to the other thing I said, but then it was just the other thing came back up. And I was like, no, I already said that. It'll come back. It'll come back. I was going to say it related to social media.

Because I feel like, well, now even I feel like you have to be, I mean, I'll like make TikToks, like funny little TikToks. But I feel like you have to be so careful because did you hear about like, I really don't know the details. But I think it was like on a labor and delivery unit, some nurses. There's like a trend going around where you say your icks about nursing, I guess. I really haven't watched that many of them, but I guess it's like something you just, whatever, don't like about the field or whatever. And a few nurses, like, I don't remember what they said,

but it was something like I hate when patients, blah, blah, blah. And it was like a few nurses. I really didn't think it was that. But I could understand how a hospital would be like, well, this doesn't look good. And I know this is like probably controversial. I mean, I see both sides, but I thought, and they got fired. And I was like, really?

Yeah. And I thought maybe, all right, like a warning or like just put them on like, I don't know, like however you get a nurse in trouble. Like whatever. Like a probationary period. I don't know. Like write them up. Yeah.

But like I think they wrote that the hospital like put out a statement and they like fired all the nurses for that. So I feel like you have to be so careful now with what you say. There's like a nurse that I know like filmed a TikTok. and I don't even think it said anything. She said anything rude in it. It was like something just funny about like her and her coworker. And she got written up because of the room that she filmed in,

which there wasn't any patient information, but I think they have like designated like even just like the pantry that they don't want you filming anything in. And that too, like when I'll film like just like silly TikToks like going to bathroom or something. Because I'm like even if you're in the hallway and you don't, there's no one around. Like if there's an EKG strip laying around,

even if it's in the corner of the room and you can barely see the 12-size font of the patient's name, like it's still technically you're violating HIPAA because the patient's information is on a video. So you have to be like so careful what you post. And even I feel like you can't really say too much about your own views too much. Because like in a way you just, you, you represent your hospital.

And I feel like a lot of nurses just kind of just spew politics around, which I used to do that when I was in school. And I, past few years, I just haven't put a single thing on because it's just dangerous. Like, it's just, it's not worth losing my job over to say how I feel when it's not going to change anyone else's mind anyway. And so I feel like we have to be so careful because everything we say is like a representation of our hospital. and then patients don't want to come there if they feel like, you know, there's nurses who are saying this.

Or even if it doesn't seem like it's that bad, like someone may film a harmless video and not realize like there was a chart in the back. And then it's like even if there's no information, just someone's name, like that's already HIPAA. So it's like so easy to do the wrong thing and then get in trouble over something that was like an innocent mistake. Yeah. And I think I think what I was going to say was that it's really interesting how like you were saying before we started. started how like the nurses on like social media it's become like a clan of most of like and it's a known thing like a nurse topic yeah literally and I think it's really like I was saying because you know Claudia's made a couple of TikToks just like telling stories and people love it and and I think

because there's so many people that can relate that either have done it or still are nurses so I just think that that's really cool because you know with each thing there's going to be like a group of people that can relate to it but I feel like because nurses will be like all right we're alone. Exactly. Because the stories they tell are not, they're not telling glamour stories. No, right. So they're like, okay, like, thank you.

Finally someone agrees or finally someone like, you know, feels the same way. So. Or even just to like make someone feel. Because I know I think Claudia's was about her being like nervous during a clinical. And I think that like you said, it really helps people not to feel alone and to feel. And that's kind of what I was saying too before about even you coming on and talking about it. It's like it could make, it could inspire somebody to maybe stick with it and see, okay,

Is there something else that I like that I could try? Because I think with anything, it can be difficult to really want to push through, especially if you're that miserable. You know, I have a couple different friends that, I don't think my one friend is a, I mean, I don't think she's a nurse. I don't know, like what she. She does ball scans and badge scans. Maybe like an ultrasound tech or something.

Yes. But like, but I think that, but she didn't go to, I don't think it was nursing school. I think she went through a program. Like, I don't even at, like, radiology school or something. Yeah, like, it was, like, it wasn't what, like, like, Claudia did, like, actual, like, nursing school. And then she did, like, a program. Yeah. But I know, you know, it gets funny, too, because, like, she'll, I know she works nights.

I think she does, like, a Friday through to Sunday kind of thing. Oh, okay. That's kind of tough. Yeah. So, but then she has, she, like, likes that whole long week to have. Yeah, the stretch. Yeah. So, but I know that she'll always do, like, because sometimes they're not as busy, so she'll do her little TikTok. Yeah.

It would make me laugh. But yeah, I mean, it's a, you know. I always, like, feel like I film. Like, I'll make, like, silly TikToks. And, like, people will come up to work and they're like, I saw your TikTok because, like, some nurse pages have reposted it. And I'm like, oh, my God. But then I, like, will text with her?

And I'm like, do you think it's bad? Like, will I get fired for this? Should I take it down me? Well, like, like, one of them, I literally was just, like, shrugging. Like, I barely said a word. It wasn't even, like, rude in any way. They're just, like, funny, silly things. Yeah.

I would never make a TikTok and like say something about a patient. Like, um, which some people do. Like they'll just tell like a whole and yeah. And they'll like really give you their opinion. And I'm like, yeah. Like I'm too nervous to do that. And so like just like I feel like I literally make like silly 10 second clips and I'll already text my friend and be like, that was okay, right?

And she's like, it's funny. You didn't like, she's like, I would tell you if you said something bad. Like you're not even speaking in the video. Right. And I'm like, okay, okay. because like nothing's worth for me. I love my job so much and nothing's worth losing it. Yeah.

But it's also like it's kind of like annoying. I mean it comes with the territory but it's hard because before nursing like you could post whatever the hell you want. Like it's your social media. Like and now like you really can't. And like you'll get fired like that. Like it's, you know, because and I get it. But it's just so hard to like really have to think about every single thing that you like say or post. I think too it's just like it seems like a career that's become so relatable in a sense for people

to like want to share and want to talk and then see what other people think too which I think is really interesting that it has become like that and I think you know it's for anything for that matter it's good that I think people can they have like a source and an outlet to like look to and like you said ultimately just feel like okay I'm not alone in this and like there's other people that do and it makes it like fun in a way and like I was saying to it I think that having different people in the show from different walks and like careers, I feel like is, it's good because there's a lot of people that might be watching that don't really know what goes into nursing. And I know I bring up Claudia all the time just because that's the, like, I just know what she

went there. But, you know, even with all of the schooling, like how time consuming and how like you really have to pour, it is like more than half your life into it. And really, even if you are doing. So I remember, like, she would sometimes say like, oh, if I'm just doing like three 12s or whatever, it won't be that bad. But, and it technically people might think, oh, it's like three nights a week. But like you said, depending on how that's.

I like hate when people like, oh, you only work three days a week. Like you must have like, you have four days off. And I'm like, oh my God. Yeah. So I think it's important for people to know. Yeah. And it's like, depending on how that's laid out, it might not be that easy and, you know, that clamorous. And I know even I'll never forget when Claudia told me she had to wipe an old man's ass that was just like he just kept shitting and she just kept wiping.

And I was like, I don't know how you. You have to literally see everything in clinical. Right. I'm like. You don't get a choice. How did you do that? Like I'd be vomiting. I can't wipe my cat's ass, but I can't, I cannot wipe an old man's ass.

I'm sorry, I can't. But no, so I do think it's really interesting to hear because you, you know, you went through and now you, you know, you are, you worked in a couple different units and stuff like that. And I think it's really good. I think it's interesting and awesome. And I'm really glad that, you know, like you reached out and you wanted to come on and share it. Because like I said, I just think that anybody that might be interested in, you know, or is thinking about it, I feel like you're a good example of like it's worth it if it's what

you think you want to do. And I also feel like I get why people could say they hate it. And it's like some people might be miserable and not find a unit or a specialty that makes it worth it to them. And I get it because I feel like I've been in a position or I've been on a unit or like I did the work that I didn't want to do essentially. and I was so miserable and I could understand why someone might just not want to do it at all. And I feel like some people like, you know, we all have to work.

Like, why are you complaining? And they're just like, I've heard people say like, these nurses, like I've never heard someone complain more about their job than nurses. But it's I get why they're complaining. Like I understand it and I see it. And like recently I had an interaction with a patient where, we just vibes. Like he was a young guy.

He had open heart surgery. And his wife was there with him too. And we just like talked about life and like everything. And we just connected like so well. And the next morning I was like, do you guys want tea? Like they're young. Like they're like, yeah, like I took down there like tea orders like made tea. And I like sat with them for like five minutes before I had to like start like giving medication.

And I was like I sat with them. I had to you with them. And we just like clicked. And then I like, he's like, are you back tonight? Or like, what's your schedule like? And I was explaining my schedule of the week. And then he's like, oh, so you're not back? And I'm like, no.

And he's like, well, that's not going to work. Like he wanted me to come back and be his nurse. And I literally contemplated like, all right, maybe I'll come back just because I had such a good day with him, which I never would just like want to come back. And I was like, all right, maybe I'll come back. And then I knew he was going to be downgraded that day because he didn't really need critical care level of care anymore. But I was like, it was just such a good day and experience. And I felt like all that like compassion and empathy and like that drive that I had that was lost.

Like it was like, all right. Like he brought it back. And before I left, he's like, can I please have a picture with you? And I was like, yeah, sure. And like he took a picture with me. He's like, all right, now my wife. Like it took a picture with me and his wife. and he's like, he's like, you know, I'll always remember this because I'll always remember being

in this hospital because I'm young and I had to have open heart surgery. And if I didn't, I probably wouldn't be here for much longer. So I'll never forget the fact that I'm here to begin with. But you just made like this whole experience so much better. Like I just, you were just amazing. And like he really made me feel like I was so important and I made like such an impact on him. And that was where a point that I was like, okay, this, it came back to me. Like, this is why I'm doing this.

And because, you know, when you hear stories of like, nurse got punched in the stomach or a nurse got slapped in the face, it's like, you just sit there and you're like, like, why am I here? Like, you know, it's like, what am I? And then you get punched in the face and you just keep going. It's like, that's kind of not fair. That sucks. Like, you just got to keep going in that same.

room, right? Like, and so it was like, you hear stories and, um, sometimes you see it with your own coworkers and it's, it just makes you think like, why am I doing this or like, why do we have to go through this? And then you have like experiences like that, like I had with that patient where it was just like the whole, it was all worth it. Like it was like this is why I'm doing it. But it's not always glamorous, um, especially different units may be worse than others like the work that they have to do. And I can understand why people could be so miserable. I mean, there's so much good that can come from being a nurse.

Like, I think if I could do it all over again, I really would do it again. Because even if I was like, you know what, I wish I was a doctor instead, I probably would go to med school after being a nurse because I'm like, I probably, well, I, I, do carry so much more knowledge than a student who's going to med school straight at a school who majored in like biology and has never looked at a patient in their life. And I actually, for the most part, depending, like, know how to treat these patients and their different illnesses and what they go through in surgery. Yeah. So I'm like, I probably even if I decided, oh, I wish I did, I don't know, P.I or something else instead where I, you can't branch off and do that

after nursing, I probably would still have been a nurse and done it anyway because I think that the knowledge that I hold now is so valuable. I know one girl from my nursing program, she, in college, she's in PA school now. And she, everyone was like, well, you know, why are you going a nursing school if you just want to be a PA? Like, why don't you just do nurse practitioner? And she had like some specific specials she wanted to be in that I think a PA was able to do more. I don't know. And everyone was like, kind of took it as an insult. Like, do you think you're better than us or something? Like, why are you, you know? But honestly, I think she's extremely smart because anyone who's going to

PA school after undergrad, they're majoring in some sort of science, right? Like, let's say bio, I feel like that's pretty common. Like, what are you learning as a bio major? You're learning about cells and all that, sorry, bullshit. Like, that has nothing to do with a patient. And yes, like pathophysiology, like, there's ways that it does relate. But like, realistically, that's not going to teach you how to manage someone with a heart attack. And she knows how to manage someone with a heart attack. Like she knows real patient scenario. So like that's going to make her an amazing PA.

So I feel like I still would do it all over again because nursing can be so rewarding. I just feel like you have to kind of find what it is that you liken it and like kind of what lights that spark. Otherwise, you're going to be miserable. And I like feel for all the nurses that are working right now and struggling and understaffed and going through it because like we're all going through it together. And it's not easy. But like you said, I do feel like it does take a special person to like do it and stick with it.

Yeah. And yeah. So I feel like like I said, I would do it all over again. There's like good, bad and ugly. Yeah, no, I think it's great. And I mean, I'd want you to be my nurse. No, but I think it's really good. And like I just wanted to touch on too, like when you, just really fast, when you said about the one patient that you had and like the impact you made.

I remember, you know, my grandma has been in and out of the hospital sometimes with like because she had open heart surgery. And I remember like just hearing stories from her and my mom of like a certain doctor or a certain nurse that like she loved so much that like when she was getting moved down to a different unit. Like she was so upset to get moved down because she liked that nurse so much. So I definitely know that that makes a huge difference, you know, because people that are going into the hospital, they're scared. You know what I mean? Right. And a lot of times the reason they're so mean and angry and bitter. I was just going to say that.

Yes, because they're terrified, you know. So I think that, and they're also like in such a vulnerable situation. Yeah. Not to like be like I just think about it. I'm like, I could not go in a hospital like fully naked wearing a gown that has my back open and just expect all these strangers to just expect myself to be comfortable with all these strangers. and then rely on them for everything. Like my meds, if I even want to get up, it's like even if I can get up on my own, I still have to call them and tell them.

Like it's like we really do, well, just being in a hospital really does strip away a lot of like almost like your human dignity. And it's not meant to, but it's just what happens, you know, because like we do it for their safety. But like it does. And so it's really hard on them. And they're probably just also like embarrassed. Right.

You know. Yeah. So right. Exactly. And I think having a nurse or a doctor. doctor that's so caring and like shows that you're not just another patient and like you are a person with you know a name and feelings and your doctor or your nurse remembers you know and has that conversation with you I think that does make I know it makes a huge impact and like I said I've

heard it firsthand from like my grandma and stuff like that and you know anybody that's been in a hospital hospital and has a good experience just like you hear if someone has a bad experience you're like it was the meanest nurse or the meanest doctor like just so inconsiderate so I think that like you said that makes it really important. And I feel like, you know, the fact that you're now able to be on a unit that gives you that ability to have that is really important. Because, like, you can't even have that, then like you said, what's the point? You know, for both parties.

It's like it just makes it more cold and, like, you know, not as, not as rewarding for sure. But, no, I think it's great. And once again, thank you so much for coming on. Was there anything else you wanted to share? No, I feel like that was it. I feel like I really touched upon like what I felt inside and had to say. Yeah, no, I think it's great. And like I said, I think the most important thing in my opinion is just shedding a positive light on that career as a whole.

Because, you know, while there's, you know, like funny and good stuff on TikTok, you might see. Like, and like I said, even my experience just with that older woman saying, like, it's the worst. Like, and she was just so angry and, like, bitter. And that's like sad. Yeah, it is sad. And it's like, what if I was thinking about it? You know, that might have just made me just be like, okay, never mind. You know what I mean?

So I do think with every career, it's good to get like a very positive perspective and a real and raw perspective. You know, because like I said, like you had that experience from the beginning where like you thought you wanted to do one thing and then you didn't think that you tried something. And, you know, so I think that everybody needs to hear like even though it might not start off perfect. Like just stick with it and like figure it out. And like and then you might still not want to do it at some point. And like I even said to you there might be a point where this might not be it for you in like 10 years. You know, it's okay to change. So, yeah, I think it's great.

I think you did amazing. And I'm so glad you were able to come on. Yes, me too.