We're All Insane - Life as an Amputee

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

Leg amputation can have significant physical and psychological impacts. After the procedure, individuals may face several physical challenges, including mobility issues, difficulty balancing, and phantom limb pain. These challenges can limit the individual's ability to perform daily activities, leading to frustration and a sense of helplessness. They may also face several psychological challenges, such as grief, depression, anxiety, and fear. They may experience a sense of loss and altered body image, which can affect their self-esteem and mental health. Moreover, adjusting to life with a prosthetic limb can be challenging, leading to feelings of frustration, anger, and helplessness. Individuals may also struggle with anxiety and fear about their future, and may find it difficult to trust their bodies or their ability to engage in physical activity. In addition to these psychological challenges, individuals who have undergone leg amputation may face a lack of understanding from others, who may not fully comprehend the extent of the physical and emotional challenges that come with the procedure. This can lead to feelings of isolation and rejection, as well as anxiety about interacting with others. Counseling, support groups, and physical rehabilitation can help individuals cope with the psychological impacts of leg amputation, while also providing strategies for adapting to physical challenges. With proper support, individuals can learn to navigate their new reality with grace and resilience, and regain a sense of independence and confidence. If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, I'm Emily and I want to talk about my experience of losing my leg below the knee and the challenges that I face today. So I wanted to rush up on my childhood before I've done the main story, which I feel like it adds up a lot

to how I reacted to when I had my accident because when I was a child, I think I was about two or three, I moved to live with my nan and granddad because my mum and my dad separated. My dad moved and lived with, another woman he met online, so he moved across the country. So we didn't really hear anything from him.

My mum, I think, struggled with that. So she kind of was on drugs looking after me and my siblings. Like, she would leave us with babysitters who didn't have our best interests of mind. So it was kind of hectic living there. Like we had dogs and she would let them just... go to the toilet on the floor and we would be like, we thought that was normal at the time. So we would climb over that, go to bed. And it was just, it was a lot.

It was a lot, yeah. It was just looking back at it now, because I have a therapist now who was like to me, you know that's neglect. Right. But looking at it from when I was that age, I wouldn't have known the difference because I was, what, free? So I just thought that's like. And then my nan and granddad, once the social workers got in contact with them, they said, okay, either we take them or you can take them.

And then my granddad and my nun were like, we'll take them. We love them. We want to look after them. And then shortly after that, my granddad died. So he was kind of the one who wanted to adopt us. He wanted us to have his last name. Like, he would play games with us all the time. Nothing was ever too serious, whereas my nan would be the one to kind of go to work.

So we would spend more time with him. I was asleep on the couch one day, and I woke up and he was gone. Like he'd passed away whilst I was asleep in the kitchen. Yeah. Did you find him? I was asleep this whole time. Okay. So my nun was in the kitchen with my granddad.

Got it. And they were just, she was like to be the other week, we was just having a chat about washing machines. And then he had a heart attack. She didn't know what was happening. She just ran an ambulance. And by the time they got there, he had passed away. And then I woke up after all this has happened,

and I didn't. I was like, where's he gone? I don't think where's he gone? And I don't think I understood what dying men. at that age. So when a family member said, oh, he's died, I was like, I don't know. Okay. Well, also, too, like, being that age and then, like, going to sleep and he's alive and then

waking up and he's gone. Yeah. It doesn't really make much sense either. And I think because as well my parents weren't there, I was used to people just leaving. Yeah. So it was like, okay. So we had quite a normal childhood with my nan.

I hit around 11. We would visit my dad on half terms. So when school is out, we would go see him. He would take us out, drop us back home. And we wouldn't really hear from him during school times. My mum would say that she was going to visit us and just never turn up. So there would be me and my siblings, like sitting by the window, waiting for her to turn up. And she just wouldn't.

And then my nan would obviously take the brunt of that because we didn't understand. We thought it was something to do with her. So was that your mom's parents or your dad's parents? My mom's parents. Okay. Yeah. So they weren't that close with your mom either for the most part. They just didn't like what she had done.

Right. I think it got to a point where they had to stop contacting her for the sake of us because it was quite constant that she would just say, I'm going to come, let me come. And we would just be there, like, where is she? So my nun, I think for the best, just said, you can't ring anymore. Stop ringing. And then the next time we heard from her would have been, I think I was about 11. And she rang and she said, I'm in prison. I stabbed my partner. I need you to send some clothes.

This was to my nan. One of my earliest other memories was going to a clothes shop and getting grey clothes to send her to prison, which was strange. Yeah. And then I think once my hormones started setting in, I was just constantly in like a low, low mood. And I think that was from the end.

age of like 11, 12, like I constantly was, I just didn't feel like everybody else, like everybody else had these loving like families and I didn't have that so I kind of spent a lot of time in my bedroom just I didn't want to go to school so I didn't and because of my nan's age like she couldn't, she'd already had children to look after. And I think for her, she didn't know what was the right thing to do because she didn't want to upset us, but she, but I think we needed someone there to kind of put us into place. Yeah.

And we didn't have that. So I just got away with everything. And it's not good of me to say that. And I look back now and I think I was nasty. Like, if I didn't want to do something, I wouldn't do it. I didn't care about my education because I wasn't looking that far in advance. So I was constantly, like, anxious. I don't want to talk to anyone.

And when we're that age, too, we don't really know any better. It's like, we think we know best. You know what I mean? I mean, I feel like everybody could look back and be like, well, I was a little asshole. You know what I mean? Because when you're that age, you don't care about your future. You don't know to look ahead and make good decisions, you know? And we didn't have anyone to.

look up to in that regard of someone going out to work because my nan had to stop work so she was at home all the time and I think even though I didn't spend much time with her at the time I felt more comfortable knowing that she was there because it was like everyone's gone yeah so I'm like I'm going to keep my and you make sure you're not leaving as well um and I just never had a great, like, outlook on the world at all. I thought everything was very just miserable because that's how I felt. And, yeah, I didn't have many friendships

because I didn't want to. Like, I was happy just being there and not doing anything. And I think I hit probably 14, 15. I started making friendship groups and it would be with the wrong people that you wouldn't want your child to be, like, hanging out with. So I was, like, smoking a lot of weed, doing a lot of drugs, and it would be every weekend I'd be doing drugs.

Throughout the weeks, I'd be smoking all the time. And I don't think I, myself, knew how much that made my mood worse because I thought these people were my friends but they're not my friends you're just doing drugs with them and it's easy because the more people that are there

the more people putting money in the more drugs you can do I thought these people cared about me they didn't care about me they just wanted other people to do drugs with and then they would leave and I'd feel lonely again, very, like, just the same. And I think it was this way until I was about 17. So I got to 17.

I do think if I carried on the way I was carrying on, I don't know what would have happened. Not a good outcome? No, not at all. And I remember this period of just, I was at home and I had this like really on edge feeling and I kept thinking like something bad is going to happen. And I think it's funny how your instincts work. Yeah, like a gut feeling.

Yeah. I and then to battle that, I thought to myself, okay, I'm going to go out and just do something, get my mind of it. So I remember my nan drove me into the town centre. She was like, I see you later, okay. And I met up with my friend. I was walking down the high street, went across the road, and coming this way, there was a bus, and I thought this bus was stopping.

So I stepped out. And it didn't stop, kept on going, run over my right foot. So my right foot was completely, like, crushed. And I didn't realize the extent of what had happened. I went to carry on walking, but my foot was, like, limp. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't feel it at all. So I just sat on the floor, and I think I wasn't in pain at all.

and the girl that I was with was like, don't look at your foot. So when someone says that to you, you're like, okay, I'm going to look. So I looked down and I was like, oh, that's not good at all. So the paramedics turn up and I said to them, is it broken? And they was like, oh, no, no, not at all. And at that point, I was like, you're just saying that to make me feel better. So I got taken to the main hospital called King's College. It's in London.

And the first thing that they said there was like surgeons, loads of people like around the hospital bed. And the one sentence was if we get her into the operation, we might be able to save the foot. And I was like, I didn't think it was. was that serious at all. Right. And even when they said that to me, I was like, that's like worst case scenario, surely. But obviously I had a lot of painkillers in my system, so I didn't think much of it at the time. And then the morning afterwards, I was in hospital and I said, like, can I go home?

And I was like, no, absolutely not. Like, you need more operations. And the main surgeon came up to me and said, what was she saying? I was like, what did she say to me? The cliffhanger there. That's it, wrapping up there. All done.

Yeah, she came up to me and she said, we're going to need to do a debridement of your foot. And I said, you're not doing anything. to my foot, like I thought this was all ridiculous and being a teenager, you don't want to be in hospital. And she looked at me and she went, I don't know why you're getting annoyed with me, I'm not the one he ran you over, and just left the room. And I was like, hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal.

On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal The Murder of Carol Stewart wherever you get your podcasts or to get early ad free access subscribe in Apple Podcasts Spotify or at Americancriminal.com

Great. Because you're the one giving me the news. I know. I was like, okay, perfect. So I just sat there crying. I was like, fab. My nan came to visit me and she said,

like I think this is bad basically I don't think this is gonna end well so at this point did you already have like one surgery or I had a few surgeries yeah so they kept on having to just take off

dead skin basically because my foot had been crushed okay a lot sorry for no you're okay a lot of the inside of my foot was bare Okay. I think the main thing was if we can keep the pulse, then maybe we can get the circulation going. Got it.

But in the end, like, I could look down and my toes were like black necrosis. But even then I was like, oh, maybe there's like toe transplants or things like that. because I had no idea of anything like this, if that makes any sense. Like I didn't know anything about amputations or I just thought, okay, you break your bones, you get a cast, you go home. But I realised that that wasn't going to be the case.

So I think it was a couple of days before my 18th birthday and I was still in hospital. I'd been in hospital for about two months at this point, just trying to save the foot. Two months? Wow. Yeah, two months. And I felt like I was going stir crazy at this point

because obviously I'd suffered with mental health before and I was extremely anxious all the time. and when you're in a room by yourself for that long, which I had been used to anyway, but it wasn't my environment, and now you're somewhere that's serious, and there are things to be anxious about now. They came back to me and they undressed the bandage

and they said, Emily, we're going to need you to look at what we're working with now because we need you to understand that we've done the best we can and we can't do anything to fix this so I looked down and my foot was dead like it was

I didn't realize at the time because I could move my ankle I thought everything was fine but then when I actually looked I was like right okay I need to Your whole foot black? Mm-hmm.

The whole foot, apart from the middle toe. So it was like a little FU, I think. I was like, great, perfect. Can we save that one? Yeah. I was like, it would be me, really. The surgeons even made a joke about it. They was like, we can save your middle toe if you want.

Yeah. And I was like, why? I was like, things. guys for the support. They was like we can either chop the part of your foot off that's dead and you will have to be wheelchair

bound forever or we can give you an amputation below the knee which will give you better functioning and give you a better quality of life

and I think I needed a moment from hearing that because my nan was with me at the time and she burst into tears and I was like I was like I don't cry it's fine like don't worry but at the same time I was thinking what do I do now like going back to my younger years when I was anxious my main anxieties were the way I looked the way people saw me

Like I always felt like different. And now it's like the flip of no, I am going to be different. Right. And now it's like I think too it's like sometimes and this it sucks. I hate this about the way that our brains work. But it's like the things that we worry about are actually so small. Yeah. And then something serious happens.

Then we're like, I wish I could go back to those smaller. concerns because now it's something that's like it changes things yeah it did and there would be moments where I could laugh and make jokes because that's a lot of how I cope with things and then on the flip side I was probably the most depressed I'd ever been because in I don't know if it's the same here, but in the UK, like, your 18th birthday is kind of when you get your freedom. It's when you can start to, you're more of an adult at that point. And my 18th birthday, they said, you can go home for a week and then we'll schedule in your amputation for the following week.

So they were going to, they didn't want to do it right away, or they didn't need to do it right away? They wanted to give me time to process it because they, I think it's more of like, they, think that helps your like psychological healing um but going home for that week i was on about 15 pills a day painkillers things to stop infection were you in a wheelchair at this point um i was meant to be but i just stayed in my bedroom still um i had friends come over and i don't think i spoke to them much at all i was probably probably not the funniest person to be around.

I think all I was doing really was crying. I didn't know anything else to do. I didn't want to go outside. When people were trying to talk to me about it, they compare it to the five stages of grief. So when you go through limb loss, it's similar to kind of losing a loved one, sorry, in the terms that at first you're denying it.

and I kind of thought this isn't real. It's not happening. You kind of, on one side, you don't want to think about it, but then it's all you can think about because it's happening to you. And I just didn't know what to expect because I didn't know anyone who's lost a limb. It's not something you see all the time or someone, you don't normally know someone close with that. So I had no one to relate to and people would try and talk to me.

but their way of talking to me would make me feel worse. People would be like, oh, are you going to get a blade leg? It's like, I don't want a blade leg. I don't want my real normal leg. And, yeah, so it was quite, it was difficult. I just wanted to be able to move around freely, and I knew that that was probably not something that I was going to.

to be able to do it again. Like I can move around now, but not to the extent that everybody else with two legs can. And also it's not something that like it just happens and then you're fine. It's going to be therapy. So they did offer me therapy and I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. I, in a weird way, my first resort was embarrassment. Like, I feel embarrassed about this.

And I think my family have really, more so my siblings, very, like, harsh humour. And sometimes it works, but other times I'm like, I don't need to hear this right now. So I got in contact with my dad. So when I was in the hospital before my birthday, my dad came to visit me. He didn't really ask me how I was doing. It was kind of, I think he just felt obligated to be there. And I said to him one morning, my friends are coming to visit me in the hospital.

He was like, no, I am, tell them to go. I said, no. So he texted me and said, I'm going back home. I don't want to hear from you again, basically. And it was like, if there's any time to reconcile any relationship, I would, yeah, I would hope that it would be. Because that's when you need the most support. Yeah. But I wasn't getting a lot of support.

Yeah. So going back to when I was home, it was either, in my mind, it was have the operation or this is a bit sad. But have the operation or end my life. Like that's how down I was at the time because I just didn't know what life was going to look like for me at all. So my friends kind of took it in turns to stay with me over that week I was home

because there was like, we can't have you do anything. Yeah. And in my brain it was so set and sure like I didn't want to do it and on my 18th birthday my nan invited family round and she didn't tell me that anyone was coming

and I was like I heard the Zorbel girl and I heard all of these family voices and the last thing I wanted was for everyone to come in and have to talk to me about it because all I was doing was crying. And I knew I didn't want to make everybody uncomfortable because they came with, like, party food,

like non-alcoholic alcohol because of the medication I was on. And I was like, I don't want to have a party right now. Like, there's so many other things going on. Like it wasn't a time to celebrate. No, I didn't have any reason to celebrate. and it just felt like everybody else was on such a different page to me. And this group of friends wanted to get cocaine. I have their version of a party.

And I was just laying in bed. Like, this can't be my life. Like, no one is actually looking out for me. It's not how you would expect it. Like if it was a movie, you would expect, like, a loving family to be there, like, support, blah, blah, blah. But it just wasn't like that. So I went to my booked in operation in St Thomas's in London. And there was this, like, lovely window.

And you was looking out, like, the London eye, the bridge. So I had my amputation and straight away I was dealing with like phantom pain which I didn't know that's what it was at the time like I'd heard of it before and I think people's initial thing is that isn't real it is real it's not nice at all and it just was like electric shocks and painful like I think I think felt physical pain, but there was nothing there to feel pain. And then a few days later, my brother came to visit with my friends, and we was just looking out the window, and we witnessed the terrorist attack on the bridge,

play out, and we saw a woman go under the butt. It was just like carnage. Like it was, my nan was outside. She wasn't allowed back into the hospital. It was scary. And I think seeing this woman go under the bus, and obviously I had an accident, not at all similar, but it was kind of like...

It was relatable to you. Yeah, it was relatable. and I kind of realized it could have been a lot worse. I feel like maybe it like it kind of put into perspective that like you could have died or something. Yeah. You know, like something that wasn't like it was still hard for you. Yeah. But it could have been like you could not be here kind of thing.

Yeah. That's how I felt. And then I felt really selfish because I felt I felt. for so long not worthy of living like I didn't want to and I wasted so much time just not doing anything

with my life and it took I think these chain of events to make me acknowledge that there is more to life and things don't have

to be as bleak and horrible I thought, okay, I may as well just give it a go. I don't have a choice here, so I can either carry on doing what I was doing before or I can just live somewhat of a life. Like it doesn't have to be the best life ever, but it can be something that I can enjoy because what I was doing before wasn't getting me anywhere.

and I didn't have the means to carry on like that anymore. And I think too, you know, as traumatic as things like that are and as life changing as they are, I think that when something like that happens, you can either go one of two ways. You can let it consume you or you can let it and like define you or you can let it kind of teach you a lesson in life and help you be stronger. Like I always think of things like that. Like anything bad that happens, it's something. like you can always like let it get you down and stay down where you can be like okay no like I'm

gonna let like obviously for some reason this was meant to happen as horrible as it may be and life changing as it may be but like I'm gonna help this teach me to be like a stronger person and like find a new way to live life yeah you know and I feel like that's kind of I think it was like it was a wake-up call not the best wake-up call definitely not but I needed something because the way I was living before, I wasn't going to get anywhere. And if I did get to 80, what would I have to show? Because I wasn't going anywhere. And I think this kind of reset my path in a way. I had to think positive. Like, I ended up, I was still in my room a lot, but instead of just not doing anything and kind of wallowing, I was watching, like, positive videos, like, trying to

trying to find things to relate to and things to kind of lift my mindset so that I could face the world, really. And I'm not saying that I was absolutely fine after that because I wasn't, but I could handle things more. I think in general, like things like that, like we were saying too before, is it gives you like a second chance at things because, like we were saying it could have been worse. You know what I mean? You could have like, that could have just been it for you.

Yeah. But the fact that it wasn't, it gives you like another chance at life and to live it. Like you said, either the way you were going or kind of like a reset. And I feel like the reset was the best thing for you. And it's interesting too because actually my dad, he had his leg amputated from the knee down, like a little bit of blow the knee down. So when I was younger, like I would see what he went through. Yeah. And like he, I was young.

But like as a child, it seemed like he was pretty positive about it and like had it, had it down, like, with, you know, putting the leg on and all the steps that he would do. But I could see that there was still a lot of struggle, like the pain. Like I could see that. Like, I mean, years later, he was still in pain. Yeah. So it's just interesting. Because in a way, like, when Julie was telling me about the emails, like, that's, yeah, I was like, that's interesting. Because my dad had his, like, irritated.

He was in a motorcycle accident. But, yeah, it's just like, as far as that. that goes. Like, how are you now with everything? I think I'm never going to sit there and say everything's great because it is, I'd compare it to like a chronic illness. Like some days you're fine and I actually surprised myself with how much I can do and then the next day I'm struggling. I can't do anything and like some days are like it's more painful. Okay. So if I get invited to do something, I can go and know that I'm going to be filling it tomorrow, basically. If something involves a lot of walking, then I anticipate that I'm going to get a blister

and I'll need to spend time just resting. Yeah. And I think I still struggle with, I feel like it's an annoyance to other people because I can't do things as quickly or I can't just wander endlessly. So it's difficult for me to say when I've had enough because I don't want to disadvantage other people of doing what they want to do. So I'm still learning how to say, look, I need to take a break. now because I feel like people will get annoyed at me. When it's not necessary, I was talking to my sister and she was like, why would I get annoyed at you?

You have a disability. And I'm like, oh yeah, I suppose so. Like when you put it like like, like yeah. Yeah. And the thing is too, I think, how many years has it been? Five, yeah. Okay. How, yeah.

I think too. Because how old are you? 24. Okay, so I'm like my age. Like we're still so young that like I feel like our mindset is, about others still but I feel like at some point you'll get to a place where it's like you're like okay no like I've I've been dealing with this long enough that I know what my limits are and like I need to speak up you know what I mean and and I think too it's it's tough and that's like

the that's to put it lightly you know like you're we're young like you it's it's definitely a challenge but like I said I can't express enough I feel like I know everything happens for reason no matter what people's beliefs are yeah and I really think that things like this happen for a way bigger reason than we can even like understand. Like besides even like your life path. Like oh like it reset me like yeah I do think maybe that was part of it. But I also think like because I once again I know I always say like I always say this to every guest like in their own way but like there's other people out there in the world many other people that are going through this and probably have the same thoughts.

You know what I mean? And the fact too if you think about it like that you're sitting here on a platform discussing your struggles and the you know how it affected your mental health and even to this day how you still feel and like you're even five years later you're still like yeah I'm like starting to find my voice with it and learn my limits but like there's other people that are feeling that and I feel like you know I always think like whenever I watch interviews of people that have gone through something like this it's like I believe it happened to them because like the universe or God or whatever like knew that they were strong enough to handle it and then give them a voice.

Yeah. To be the voice for others. The people can feel related and be like, okay, well, that's somebody else that if they went through it, I'm not alone and I can get through it too. It's like it forms this almost like invisible community that you don't even realize there's people that will like watch and listen and feel heard and like it could help them. So I feel like it gives you this voice that you might not have used in in that type of way. You know what I mean?

Which I think is so empowering. And like that's something that even you should be proud of and remember. because it's like obviously it's such a traumatic thing and it's it's terrifying especially being so young at any age but it you were strong enough to get through it and handle it like you made that choice mentally to be like no I'm going to I'm going to do it and I'm going to handle it and like it might take me time to really like get to where I want to be mentally with everything but I think I'm still I'm still doing that like I wouldn't say I feel like every day is different and I feel like my main thing is if there is anyone listening who has gone through something similar,

is to say that it's okay if you're not feeling 100% right now. And tomorrow you might feel great. And then in a year you might not feel amazing. And then you'll feel good. Right. Like that doesn't make any sense at all. It does. Every day is going to be different.

Yeah. And I think you're allowed to talk about it whether you feel great or you feel rubbish. and because I think with a lot of stories like this you kind of see on the news and they're doing something amazing and it's like they're in the Paralympics or they're doing like trampolining competitions or things like that and I think it's okay to live a completely normal life and you don't have to live up to the expectation because the thing that I heard the most when I was in like my physiotherapy sessions was oh you're going to be a Paralympian.

I don't, I just want to, I don't want to do that. But it was constant, like, you're going to be a Paralympian or you can do this or you can do that. But it's like, why can't I just live a normal life? Yeah. Like, I don't need to do all of these amazing things to feel, I know. To feel good enough. Yeah.

Yeah. And I think it's amazing that people do that. I do. but I also think it's amazing if you kind of just want to chill through life and get a job and live a completely just normal life. Yeah, I was going to say it's like your story shows more of like the non, like I feel like glamour side of it. Like it's like just normal and you're going to have, it's okay to have bad days mentally

and physically because like you said some days are more painful than others. You might need more rest but like that you can still get through it. You know what I mean? But in your own way. and of course I have two young children now and I think that also reshaped my way of thinking because I need to show them that it's okay to be different like my son came up to me it was about a week ago

and he said your leg's different isn't it mummy and I said yeah it is he said what happened and I said I explained in the most briefest terms I wasn't going to get into details with my four year old and he said did the doctors give you a new leg and I said yeah

and he was like oh okay that's good but he doesn't see any different so he'll like in the mornings wake me up with my leg he'll be like here you go mommy he doesn't know any different

but I think other children because they're not exposed to it or other, children really aren't like the problem. Like you see a lot of things like children stop and stare. It's the adults. The adults stop and stare. Like talking to my therapist, even he said to me, do,

when you go to the beach to children stare and point at you. I was like, well, I was never worried about that until you've said it. And I feel like there's still a lot of understanding to be had with even, let me start with therapy. Like therapists, if I go to a therapist, they instantly think that I want to talk about my leg. Like, no, I have 101 other problems. Like, this is the least of my worries now.

Well, I was just going to say that I think, too, like even with your children, like you're teaching your children at such a young age to accept people no matter what. You know what I mean? So that's like something else because like you said, there are a lot of kids that aren't exposed to that and aren't taught sincerity.

So I feel like the fact that, you know, you're teaching them that at such a young age that it's okay, like that something might not be the same as everybody else, but like accept it and still love it and everything in between. So I think even that is powerful because you're going to, you know, you're raising your kids with. Yeah. I think that it's nice because he's getting to the age now where he's a lot more understanding and I can see just how kind and understanding he is growing up to be. But on the flip side, it is hard because I kind of have to hold myself up to this standard of, I feel like I can't let them see that it does affect me.

And it's hard to find the middle ground of that. Because when we do go on like holidays and things, of course I'm going to feel anxious going to the beach and having to show my leg. Because people do stare. But on the flip side, I need to show them. that mommy can do it like I can do that it's fine it doesn't bother me

it does sometimes other times I'm like okay it's just part and parcel like if you haven't seen it before you're gonna look I feel like I do everything now for them

and I think from their perspective because I want them to grow up and be understanding strong really soon after I had my operation I got in touch with my mum I think it was a lot for me I thought now is the time

like they're gonna want to look after me now and I think I was searching for them to kind of build the relationship and went to go and stay with her for a bit and

they got to a point where I understood that she didn't understand what was going on because we went to walk through the shopping centre and it was only a month or so afterwards and she didn't, she was getting annoyed at me because I couldn't walk as fast and I was getting irisible because why didn't anyone understand I can't walk as fast. Was she doing better at this point or was it still like? She was doing better but she, her, her moods are very sporadic.

So I kind of got into a place where I didn't want to mention anything. So I was going along with it and then it got to a point where I said like, I can't walk any further. I can't physically do it. Do it. Yeah. And we got home and it was a little bit frosty and a comment she made when she didn't think I was in the room was,

if she doesn't stop mining, I'm going to make her walk home. But I lived about two hours away. So it's kind of a dig at me. I'd say, yeah, that's terrible. Yeah, she made that. And it was like, okay. And then another comment she made when I found out I was pregnant with my son was, you know he's going to take the Mick out of you for your leg, right?

like he's going to make jokes about you if he gets annoyed with you when he's a teenager the first thing he'll do is insult your leg and I was like no you're not raising a little asshole no I said no he wouldn't but then in the back of my head I was like is he like is that what happens so yeah I had them thoughts in the back of my head Like everyone's just...

Also when it's coming from a parent, it's like whether you guys had that great of a relationship or not, you're going to take in what someone like that says to you. I'm very like sensitive. I can hold my hands up. I am a sensitive person. Like if someone said something, I have like a little book in my brain of like nasty things people have said.

And I think I've gotten to the point now where people do still make comments about it but I kind of pick my battles on what's the what do I respond to and what do I just brush off because it is so people's idea

of what is right and wrong to say to someone with a disability is very skewed it's an evil world that's for sure yeah like I've just started college

because I want to go on to be a midwife and my first thoughts were like what if the place isn't like accessible because if I need to go up flat to stairs like I can't really do that yeah um so even things like getting a lift pass to go up to the fifth floor where I needed to go I turned up late to one less and she said why are you late I said because I don't have a lift pass and she said well you could have sorted that out another time and I'm like but you know that I can't like going up and down the stairs takes me longer than everyone else. I feel like we're a long way from kind of understanding

and accepting that disabled people do need that bit of extra help. Also, I think it's simple sincerity. You know what I mean? It's one thing if somebody's late because they're screwing around, and it's different because somebody's late because they actually were struggling with something. You know what I mean? And that goes for anything.

And I think that that's just basic fucking sincerity that a lot of people don't have and it's terrible. I think people, because they don't have to do with it, they don't understand it. And I've come to... It's not their problem. everyone wants people to understand them. You want people to understand you, but at the same time you can't expect it because not enough people do.

You know, and it's just, it sucks, but I think it kind of goes back to what you were saying too about choosing your battles and just like realizing it's just not even, it's not even worth it. Yeah. It's not worth it. Like just more things.

Like I went out to the pub with my sister and her friends and one of her friends was like, ha ha, you've got one leg. I was just so uncalled for. Like, just more, and that's happened another time. Like, I'd be sitting with a group of people, friends of friends. And I think it's because they don't know me. So it's easy for them to just be like, like, crack jokes at me.

And it's just, like, you're trying to keep your spirits up. and people don't allow you to do that. Well, the thing is, too, is it's insensitive to do that because you don't know where somebody is mentally on their healing journey. Like, there might come a point in your life where you really don't give a shit. And, like, you do think that those things are funny. But, like, people can't assume that, like, that's where you are mentally. But I think it's difficult for people to know the line

because I crack jokes myself. Yeah. Like I do it all the time But as soon as someone else does I'm like, oh Right That's nasty But then I feel I

Maybe that's a Me thing that I need to work on Is to put boundaries in place But if I don't know the person at all They don't know me Well at all Then I don't think it's their place to say anything But

Like what you said People are cruel And it's trying to find the right people to kind of spend your time with that understand you can't do things as quick and you're not always going to be in the best of places like I think it is important and even for people with two legs like you need you need that good support system but I think it is important to just check in people will always make unnecessary comments.

Unfortunately, disabled people are still like people's go-to joke, which is sad, really, because disabled people struggle the most, like, first-hand. I don't want to have to wake up in the morning and have to remember to put, like, a sock on, a leg on, a sleeve on. And then when it's summer, I don't feel comfortable wearing certain clothes. because I don't want people to look at me or having to second guess for me is midwifery going to be the best idea for me

when I struggle to walk places because it's a, you're going to be on your feet a long portion of the day. So then I will get myself into like a bit of a bad headspace of thinking, I'm not going to be able to do that. I don't know why I'm going to college. I don't know why I'm putting all this effort into something that I can't do. But then on the flip side, it's you've not even tried it yet.

Right. So what's the point in sitting there and not doing it? Because what else am I going to do? Yeah, and I think the thing that the best thing to lean on at this point, and obviously that's not to say that there won't be a struggle, but it's like your mental health and your mental strength. Because if you can keep that up as best as you can, I think like it kind of reflects on everything and like,

but you're always going to have the days that you question yourself or you're down. It's a constant struggle. It is. Obviously it's a physical disability, but there is the side that no one can see, which is the mental struggle that comes along with that because I'm fine, I'm happy when I'm able to mobilize and walk around. But as soon as I get a blister and I have that mobilization taken away from me

because I can't walk. It's like, okay, I'm stuck here again. Like, I can't move. I can't do anything. Like, I can't even get up and make myself a drink. Right. So I'm depending on other people to do things for me, which I want to be able to do myself.

Yeah. And I think it's accepting that that is what life is going to be like. Yeah, it's part of it. Yeah. And I think it's funny because we all want to be, like, independent and we don't want anyone to help us, but when you do have a disability, you kind of have to give that up and be like, okay,

I do need help. And in general, I think too, that's another good point and something important to mention because I've always been like that too, where it's like, I don't want anybody's help. It's like you always want to be independent because we think that that's what makes us strong. But in reality, I think what makes you even stronger

is willing to accept help. You know, because whether it's physical help or mental help or just life help. Like, everybody needs help at some point in their life. And I think that if you're willing to open up and be vulnerable and accept that and admit, like, like, you said, a really good support group comes in. And the people that are surrounding you, because if they're good people, they're going to want to help. You know what I mean?

And you'll realize with time that it's not a burden to ask them, you know? And I think, as with everything I've said, sometimes it's more difficult than others. Like disabled people are not the problem. The perception of disabled people is and the surrounding environment is not catered for people with disabilities. Like the subway, that's not accessible. I can't get down all these stairs

when people are like rushing up. Like things that you wouldn't even think about, like big flights of stairs, you would go, okay, stairs walk up the stairs I'm getting to the stairs I'm like okay how am I going to do this like people are going to see me like limping

what if I trip up things like this or puddles snow snow is awful if the floor is icy I don't know if I'm going over and sometimes you just have to laugh

like I can because It is embarrassing, but it's... What are you going to do? But what are you going to do? And it's funny, like, if anyone else falls over, not badly. Yeah. So if, like, if someone does fall, I think the best reaction is to laugh,

because it'll be worse to just cry. Yeah. Like, a funny time with my boyfriend, we went on a holiday together. So you have to pay to get different, types of legs like the everyday leg you cannot get submerged water and there are a lot of money like legs are more than a car yeah like 20 grand i'm talking that's crazy because i had a long court case and before i got compensated i was just i had this one everyday leg um i couldn't get it submerged

me and my boyfriend were on holiday and he was like come on babe just put your leg on the floor and i'll like cover you up if you feel anxious like i'll walk next to you so no one can see you and you can like crawl so there's people must have thought we would nuts because he was like come on baby you can do it there's me like crawling with one leg on the sand like he was like you're doing great and um um got into the sea, stood up, the wave like took me out. So I'm there like just being flung among waves and he was like, baby, you're okay. And there's me like crawling back out like, he was like, I think so. I was like, no. I was like, come on babe. So there's like my leg just sitting there. Me like crawling to try and get my leg and he's like, you're doing great. I think it's

just funny because everyone else was looking like what's going on right is you okay yeah and I was like I'm having the best time like this is really liberating right now um so yeah I think laughing is the best form of getting over whatever you're going through and it's your it's your new way of life, you know? And like I said, obviously, anything that happens like that is sad. And it takes a lot of adjusting and kind of rewiring almost like your thought process and the way that you think about things in life in general. But I think that, you know, it seems like you are doing so well. Like I know that you say obviously there's still bad days. But the fact that you're able to and wanted to come on here and talk about it and share your story, to me that's always such a empowering, huge step.

It shows so much strength, which I think is incredible, seriously. Thank you. No, I really appreciate that. Of course, of course. When they find out about my accident, like, even going to college, like, other people, be like, inspirational, inspirational. And I feel like that word, when you're disabled, loses a lot of meaning because you're constantly hearing it.

And it's like, I don't know what you... Well, if you don't feel it, it's not going to feel like it's not going to feel like it. it holds meaning. You know what I mean? No. And I feel like everyone's version, I don't know whether it's coming from a good place. It must be, but sometimes it feels like it's coming from a...

Like I feel bad for you. Yeah. And I feel like, you don't need to feel bad for me. I just want to be treated like a normal person. And when you're calling someone inspirational just because they're disabled, it's like I haven't done anything. inspirational.

Yeah, that makes sense. I just had an unfortunate accident and I didn't really have a choice. I've had people, I had a friend say to me, if I were you, I would have killed myself. And it's like, well, thanks for that advice. Like, what do you want me to do with that? Right. I think too, it kind of goes back to what you were saying, of people not knowing what to say, because of like it's just it's almost like we're not no one's educated enough like how to handle certain

situations or handle trauma or grief or anything in between it's like people don't know boundaries I agree and I think even you saying people aren't educated enough I'd say I'm not educated enough like I don't know the ins and outs of like ableism like all I can share is my experience of the story but I know that there are a lot of bad things that happen directly to disabled people I'm not knowledgeable enough I don't know the whole like ins and outs of the history you're learning every day too like within yourself so it's like you're not here to like preach anything but you're just here to express like okay this is how it is and I still struggle and I still deal with it but like at the same time, people should be aware and things should be made more accessible.

And I think all of those main things that I feel like people maybe know, but it's not really talked about that much. Yeah. Because not everybody deals with this. Not, but I think it's important too, like what you have expressed is that you're not at a place yet where you're like, I know everything. And I am at a place where I'm totally fine. Like you're still dealing with what's happened to you, which is totally normal.

And I think that the only thing you're trying to do is just express that and explain your story and the journey that you're still currently on. But just to make people more aware that to be more aware. Like be sincere. Be more aware and not be so, I think, judgmental also. Like I know that what you said like about like, yeah, if it's more uncommon, people will like look or stare. But like, why? You know what I mean? I just don't, I never really understand that.

Like, if, like, why would any, like, don't stay. How about you just don't stare? Because why, why would you ever want to make somebody feel uncomfortable? You know what I mean? I understand, like, a quick glance. Yeah. It is different. Like, I think a lot of people are just curious.

But it's when if I was, like, sitting here and you're like, Yeah. It makes you uncomfortable and you don't need that. Yeah. And I think, too, unfortunately, we just live in a world where there's many different types of people. There's nice. understanding people and then there's assholes. But no matter what journey you're going through or what experience you've had in life,

you're going to see that in all different types of ways. You know, but I feel like the only thing you can do is just express what you've gone through and how you feel. And I think, too, like, I think it's great that you brought up the importance of kind of what's come after that, like that things should, you know, places should be made more accessible and people should have more understanding and concern for people who have a disability. You know, it's like because if you're already struggling and you already feel like, I guess, what's the word?

Like if you're already like stressed out about like how you were saying with your class, I think it was. Like if you already feel stressed out, why would, like people should be more sincere and understanding because that's only going to make you feel more stressed. rather than somebody's like, oh, it's okay, don't worry about it. We'll get it. Like, I'll help you figure it out. Like, I feel like if people were more helpful in the world,

that would make the biggest difference too. Yeah. Like lending a helping hand. You don't have to, like, know someone to want to help them. No, and I think a lot of people do struggle with just basic respect, really. Yeah, for sure. And I think it does show a lot more when you are disabled. Because you need that empathy.

You need that understanding because you might not see that I am struggling. But I could be. And that goes for anything too. Like even just in everyday life. Like that's why people say all the time like it can go a long way just saying hello to somebody because you don't know. Like somebody could be having suicidal thoughts that day. Somebody could be so depressed and hating their life and then a random person like compliments them or says hello and it changes their whole perspective. So it's like sometimes it doesn't even have to be something that like you physically see with your eye, but it's just being aware that like everyone is going through their own thing.

And I think as much as everyone says it, kindness does go a long way. And I think hopefully one day we'll get to a point where the world is sunshine and butterflies. Yeah, a nicer place. Yeah, but I don't think it is. and I think it's what we make of that because there is always going to be an arsear but there's always going to be that nice moment that I spend with my kids

and I'd rather think about that than that. But I also think too like even just talking about it brings awareness and light to the situation which I think is always important because even if it just makes one person kind of realize oh like I should think about that going forward. I think that that awareness is key and I feel like that's a way of educating and teaching people and I think in a way that's what you're doing, which I think is incredible.

Seriously. So great job with that. Thank you. Thank you. Of course.