We're All Insane - Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Episode Date: November 13, 2023

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by a pattern of instability in one's mood, self-image, behavior, and relationships. Individuals with BPD often experience intense and rapidly changing emotions, have difficulties regulating their emotions, and struggle with a persistent fear of abandonment. They might engage in impulsive and risky behaviors, have unstable relationships, and experience feelings of emptiness. Other common symptoms include identity disturbances, recurrent suicidal behavior or self-harming tendencies, and sudden shifts in their views of others, alternating between idealization and devaluation. It's a complex disorder that can significantly impact an individual's life and their interactions with others. Treatment often involves psychotherapy, sometimes complemented by medications to address specific symptoms. Crisis Line: https://988lifeline.org Priscilla María's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cyclebreakercoach/ Priscilla María's website: https://www.priscillamaria.com/ If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, my name is Priscilla Maria Gutierrez and I live with borderline personality disorder. So eight days after my 19th birthday, I went on a special birthday trip. Very, very special one. One like I've never been on before. And so I agreed to go on said trip maybe like a day before.

And the next day I was on a flight. I was told, just go to the airport in Las Vegas. You will be met by some female escorts. Not those type of escorts, but literally two women that will escort you to your destination. And so I did it as I was told. I didn't pack anything, just myself, my cell phone. I met these women. And then they drove me two hours to Utah, to St. George. And once I was there, a little quick rundown, they had me do a physical exam. So I had to get like a pregnancy test. I had to take all my piercings out. And then once I was cleared by the doctor, they took me to an intake office. And they

make you strip down, kind of like you're getting placed into a prison. So you strip down naked, you squat, you cough, all of that to see that you're not bringing any contraband. And they take a picture of you. They say, yo, take a picture so that we have you in case you get lost or if anything happens. And so take my picture and after that I get back in a car. And the protocol is to actually be blindfolded so that you can't see where they drop you off. But because because it was already pitch black at that point, I couldn't even see anything. And it's just desert. So they said, all right, that's fine. You can just lay down in the back of the car. And we drove for, I don't know how long. And then they're like, okay, we're here. You need to get out now.

And I met by a staff member and he's like, all right, well, pick essentially a plot on the ground to sleep. And that was my first night in a wilderness program. And I was. And I was a, I was. And I, I thought I knew what I was getting into because my brother was also in it. But I really did not. I imagined like a camping environment. There's cabins. We're going to make like fires and talk about our issues. I was not expecting latrines, which I didn't even know what that was until I went there.

Yeah, what is that? Yeah, so I'm glad you don't know. That's a good thing. Essentially, so what we had to do was maybe like once a week, each person. because we had chores that rotated, you get an empty tin can, a pretty big one, and then you just go against the rock and the dirt, and you dig a hole, a hole big enough for about 10 people to defecate inside of, and that is where we will all defecate. So when you go use the bathroom for number two, you will see that other people have been there, and there will be flies, and there will be

odors. And so that was very disturbing. And that was, again, it was a very quick introduction, like, okay, this is really happening. I'm wearing, you know, orange, khaki pants. I mean, you are placed in a uniform. I couldn't even wear contacts. You can't shave. You can't use deodorant. You really can't do much other than what they tell you can do. So was this your choice to go here? It actually was. And this was your birthday trip? No, I was being a little sarcastic with that. It was, but it just happened to be around that time. Yeah, a little over a week after my 19th birthday. Okay, but you chose to go to this wilderness retreat.

I did. Okay, and what was your point of going just to kind of heal or experience? So I'll tell you what truly motivated me. It was actually what happened to me as a kid. Got it. I remember actually Facebook messaging a friend and being like, I think I'm going to go because I want to talk about my molestation. I just want to talk about it. I've held it on for so long, and that molestation had been fueling some of the behaviors

that happened during my freshman year of college. So that looked like drinking, binge drinking, fighting, just being very impulsive. And so when my parents presented the option, like, okay, Yvonne, my brother, who was actively getting worse and worse in his drug addiction, had been kicked out maybe out of his seventh rehab. So that rehab director said, maybe you need to try a wilderness program. You need to try something like totally different. And so he was in it. And then my parents were like, maybe we need to be proactive with this one and make sure she goes and, you know, see what's going out with her because they knew I was drinking. They knew I was kind of withdrawn, but they didn't know the extent because

they're not with me in college. And so that's why I agreed because I listened really to an inner voice. and to my parents. I trust them. And I decided to go. But I truly did not know what I was going to be experiencing. And yes, it was uncomfortable, if you will. It was a lot of things. But the hardest challenge was absolutely the emotional work. So no, we obviously couldn't take a shower. I couldn't take a shower for six weeks. We just had two buckets of water per week. I couldn't use the bathroom alone. I always had to ask permission and say my name. So as I'm urinating or changing my feminine products, I have to be like, Priscilla, Priscilla. And so it's very, there's no privacy. There's no bubble. There's, we're just all out here. Do you think that that made you look at life differently,

like after you came back? It did. Okay. But not in the way that I was hoping. Okay. So I was hoping, like once I go to this program and I did the work, I'm very intentional with what I do. So I've been into a total of three rehabs. And each one of, well, no, forgot the second one. The second one I quit, but the other two. So two out of three, I gave my all. And so I did all the assignments. I mean, the first, I believe the first two or three days, you can't even talk to anyone. You are shadow band. So you can only talk to staff members and your designated mentor but you cannot communicate with the rest of the group you're just observing and the only way to enter the group is to literally share your life story you have to write it out and then just tell

everyone and you have to read out loud impact letters from your parents i mean it's it's humiliating it's very embarrassing i mean there's no secrets and so i gave my all you know i did everything they asked me to and so i was hoping now that what if i do this program and I do everything they say, maybe I'll come out of it more centered, more healed, more, not even just me healed, but my family. Like I really wanted there to be more healing and understanding within my household. But I quickly realized that wasn't the case. So if anything, this was definitely a turning point, but for the worse.

Because once I left that program, I was so angry. I was more angry. than I entered because I learned more family secrets. I learned more family traumas. My brother was not getting better. He was getting worse. And so I felt like what was the point of pouring my heart out to strangers and to my brother? Because I actually, they arranged for us to me out in the desert, which is very interesting. And we talked about my molestation because when I tell you they make you say things, they make you say things. They made me tell my parents and my brother. And so we had to talk about it, but ultimately once I came back, nothing really changed.

And because of the disturbing information I learned about my mother's traumas, my father's traumas, family secrets, I was just overwhelmed with rage, I would say. And so that program, they did suggest that I go to an intensive outpatient program for alcohol to explore my relationship. And so I did do that. And as I mentioned, I did not complete it. That was the only one that, one, I wasn't ready. Again, I was 19.

And the man who did my intake interview, he did say, you know, in my professional opinion, you're an alcoholic. And that was just like, I think it was just too much for me at that age. Because in my mind, my rationale was I can make a list of people at my school right now that drink more than me, that drink during the day, drink alone. Like, how am I different from them? but comparison really is the thief of joy and the thief of recovery because that comparison is not helpful. The best comparison is you versus you. So if I were to have compared Priscilla in the summer of 2010 to Priscilla in the summer of 2007, it's like, what happened? Why are you so angry? Why are you so self-destructive? That would have been a better metric for myself. And so

long story short, I wasn't ready to accept that I had an issue with alcohol. And you still had that issue even after that wilderness program, right? Yeah, I, so in the wilderness, there is no alcohol, so we can't, like, drink anything. There's a way to get pills if you really, well, I don't know if I should say that. I don't want to give anyone any ideas. So, but yes, I did not drink. I did not consume anything in the desert. So, and then straight after that, I went into the intensive outpatient. So I didn't really have an opportunity to drink. And I thought I'm like, okay, yeah, I binge drink. A lot of people do that. Yeah. But then when he started asking more specific questions, like, how do you pay for it? I mean, how much have you paid for it? What are the extent that you go

to obtain the alcohol? When you do drink alcohol, what are the consequences of the drinking and things like that? I'm like, all right, you got me there. Like, that's true. I do. And that, honestly, like if you're curious about, okay, what type of relationship do I have with alcohol? For me, it's not, this is important data, but I think the most important question is, what are the consequences of your drinking? And are you still drinking despite those consequences? Because some people will say, oh, well, I only drink once a week, okay? But that one week, that one day a week that you drink, you're blacking out.

you're having unprotected sex, you're getting into fights, you're driving under the influence, and then the next week you're doing it again and again. And so I think that really hit hard because that freshman year, I definitely was not exercising the best discretion. And I'll give you an example that is very uncomfortable, but I think it's something that illustrates the extent of my drinking. So even just obtaining alcohol this night, you know, I'm 18, all my friends are underage. And like I mentioned to you, I went to Johns Hopkins, which is in Baltimore City. And so, of course, there's alcohol on campus, super easy to obtain, but I did not want people

to see me drinking. I never wanted people to see me drinking underage because I wanted to excel at school. I wanted to always protect my degree in my image. And so that looked like instead of maybe going to a frat house or down the street, going into the middle of a very dangerous neighborhood and asking a random guy, like, hey, can you buy me alcohol? And just when I say dangerous, I mean, I really shouldn't have been there. And nonetheless, I went, me and my friend at the time,

then we came back, we smuggled the alcohol, passed a security, and then we drank and I definitely became inebriated. And I really felt some type of way. I don't think I was necessarily wrong, but my reaction was heightened by the alcohol. So in R.A. I didn't appreciate her approach to my friends. and I had reason to believe that she was treating us unfairly compared to other students from a different demographic. And so I confronted her and I called her a racist and I was telling her how I felt about her. And it escalated a bit. Later on, I found myself in my room wanting to obtain a weapon that I had concealed in my drawer.

and I wanted to continue the conversation with this RA. Thankfully, I was physically restrained by people that were with me at the time. But had I not been, it disturbs me to think what I would have said, what would have been the consequences of me confronting that RA again. But thankfully, it didn't get to that point. I got off with a verbal warning. That is something about borderline that can be helpful. I don't know if it's because I'm a borderline, Gemini, are just who I am.

But there's been some very intense situations that I've been able to talk myself out of. But that is just one example of the consequences of drinking. And then after I left the program, as I had mentioned, I was much more angry. I kind of went back, but went back with, I guess I'm going to do it even worse now. And it wasn't like a conscious decision. Like, wow, I just want to, you know, keep messing up my life. It was very subconscious. I've learned that I was reenacting trauma a lot, and I didn't know what that was.

So if you have experienced childhood trauma, you're about 13 times more likely to develop borderline personality disorder. And so it might be helpful for me to share some of those traumas. So some traumas that I've experienced, I would say the most influential one on my life was the molestation by my grandfather. That absolutely changed my life. It changed my whole perspective on the world, on safety, on family, on men, for sure. And prior to college, I also experienced domestic violence from my loved one. So I've been spat on. I've been just humiliated, you know, like this, like a bottle of water and I'm just pour it on your head.

And now you're just going to take that. Cust out, you know, different forms of a vote. abuse. And so I had so much hurt in my heart and I didn't really know what to do with it. So I definitely developed a rage against men. And I remember saying that in the wilderness program, especially after I learned about some of my mother's traumas, I was like, yo, I was really angry. And so I went back to Hopkins with that anger of, like, I can't trust them. I can't trust people, very black and white thinking, which is also part of borderline, where it's like this or that, there's no room for flexible thinking. And so that year was definitely more destructive,

more drinking. I mean, I have examples of what that look like. I can remember one night, again, drinking. I didn't even have a car in Baltimore, but basically party hopping. And so we got to D.C. and drinking. And then my two friends at the time, I guess, found these guys. And I don't know who they were affiliated with, but they were affiliated. And we're just in this car. Two of them tried to get me alone in an alley. It's like, I'm drunk, but I'm not that drunk.

And I really wasn't in this particular occasion, but that kind of shows what type of guys these were. They had their agenda. and so I was ready to go and they were not a fan of me because I definitely have had a mouth on me and so basically we end up in a car with two of them because my friends were like oh they can give us a ride back to Baltimore and so I'm like okay and he was like okay but you get in the back because you're like annoying I was like all right fine so I'm in the back and then I have one friend next to me and then random guy here and then another friend in the the front and then the random guy driving and he just starts being like weird as we're in the car

he's like you know i'm i'm doing all this for you i'm driving you back to baltimore like what are you going to do for me and i'm just like and he wasn't really talking to me because he didn't clearly felt some type of way about me but it was clear what he was insinuating he expects some type of sexual favor from one of my friends or both of them from each friend. And I couldn't, so I'm five, two, so I couldn't really see over, you know, I was blocked my vision, but my friend in the middle could see the highway. And she just started getting scared. I was like, what's wrong? And she's like, well, he's going the opposite way. So we're supposed to go to Baltimore. He's going the complete opposite. And she started to freak out and I'm like, all right, chill.

And so this is another example of just like talking my way out of a situation. And so I just started to pretend that I was really nauseous and I was going to throw up everywhere and I didn't want to ruin his car, which wasn't true. But I just wanted him to really pull over. And so he did end up pulling over. But he like, he pulled off out of the highway into like some very wooded area, like very creepy. you. And then I just told my friend, because he actually took my friend's phone, like, locked the doors. Like, it was clear he was intending to commit some type of harm. And I was

like, just get your phone, get your phone. And then I was like, all right, well, I'm going to go the bathroom. I'll be right back. And then my friends followed me. And we literally just ran. We just ran into people's backyards and just kept running until we felt safe enough that we had lost them. And so that's another example of, I don't call it a kidnapping, but I also don't know what to call it, because yes, I voluntarily entered the car under the influence, under an agreement that we would go to a specific location, but then that person went and did something else. And so that was definitely just one example of just putting myself in very dangerous situations. There's a lot of examples like that, honestly. And...

Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple podcasts, Spotify, or at American Criminal.com. And at this time, you didn't know you had borderline personality, right? Mm-mm. Okay. I was 20 at this age, and I didn't receive my diagnosis until I was 27. Okay. So basically in your mind, you probably were just like, I'm living my life. I'm young and I'm going to do what I want. In some ways, I didn't have the awareness, but I knew that I wasn't like other people.

I knew like I wasn't like other students. And you said you felt like rage. Like you were angry. Oh, I was angry. I was angry as hell. I, because I would see other college students and I see them and they're like going out and they're having fun. Yeah.

But for me, it wasn't coming from a place of fun or excitement. It was coming from a place of self-destruction. Like I knew I knew I was going to certain areas that I shouldn't be in. I knew that I was putting myself in very dangerous situations. But I kept doing it because now that I can reflect, I was trying to resolve subconsciously previous trauma. Because now a man is not going to take advantage of me. A man is not going to make me feel little. I'm 5-2, but I'm going to make you feel like you're 5-2 because I'm going to, I guess,

put you in your place. Yeah. And so that's not, and ultimately that, one, it doesn't resolve the trauma. And two, it compromises your safety and your reputation, your career, your education. And so I didn't have the, I couldn't connect the dots. I didn't know why I was doing it, but I did at least realize. that I'm not like other people. I'm sad.

Like I can recall kind of like passive suicide ideation, which is part of borderline. So just, you know, crossing the street and be like, I really don't care if the car hits me. Or being drunk, I remember, like, leaning over like a balcony and being like, I really don't go. I really don't care if I fall over. I remember going into a high crime area and asking this guy like, do you have a gun? And he's like, well, we have a neighborhood gun that we stashed. I was like, can you get it?

I just want to see it. And he's like, okay, I'll go get it. And he got the gun. And I remember holding it and just like kind of not directly like this, but just like, I wonder what this would feel like, just to put it against me, my temple. So just things like that, that people don't know what's going on in my mind, but I know what's going on. And I know that there's a part of me that's really gravitating towards violence, gravitating towards guns, gravitating towards danger, almost like compulsively. And it also showed in, I would say, my sexuality.

And it's complicated because in some ways you can argue I'm in excessively. And in other ways, you can argue I'm experienced. And so it's like extremes. Like I'll go from one, maybe, you know, when I had my eating disorder active, I was like a walking corpse. I didn't have any libido. I didn't have anything going. I even even have my period for 16 months.

But then other times it's like very impulsive, very just not practicing safety for myself, not valuing myself, and also not even engaging in the sexual activity for pleasure, but literally just for power. I wanted to feel like I was in control or like I, again, it's like the whole sexual abuse just trying to reenact it, but I'm going to come out on top. And it showed up in a lot of different ways, honestly. Yeah. That's wild.

Yeah. So this went on from 19 to. 27? No, it went on from 18 to maybe even before. I started drinking before that. So, but let's go with like definitely college. So 18, freshman year, sophomore year, and then the first half of junior year, because something happened after that first semester. But yes, definitely, you know, just drinking more, blacking out. I can provide. other examples. I'm just putting it all out there. So for example, this, I'll give you an example of how much of a trigger like men can be for me or was. I've done so much healing. I love men. I truly do. I can

say that with my heart. But at this point, I was very distrusting of men. I didn't have guy friends. I didn't, I didn't trust. If your own grandfather violates you, someone that you love, He wasn't as strange for me. He lived with us. He traveled with us. I loved him. Then why wouldn't someone else do it like a stranger or a guy at school? So they were always like, but I recall it a frat party. And this is one of those examples of consequences. So I'm on campus. I'm surrounded by Hopkins students. And this individual, he started trying to talk. to me in his own way and I wasn't interested and then he as I walked away put his hand on my butt and when he did that I was like oh wow and so I I wanted to know who did it because it was like two of them two or three of them and they wouldn't tell me but I was like okay

once I got into that that like you you violated me now till the day I die I don't it feels so uncomfortable getting this mindset because I don't even think like that anymore, but it was, it's just a very intense reaction. Like, I'm going to get my apology. You're going to give it to me by the end of the night. And so, you know, time passes. I'm scheming. I'm like, you know, where is this kid? Because there's so many people, you know, walking, dancing, it's dark. It's this crowded basement. But once we get up, I see him. I'm like, okay, now I got you. So I went up to him. And again, I'm going to give you this chance to just apologize. And I was like, you need to apologize to me.

And finally he did. And he said, all right, I'm sorry. It was me. I was like, all right. And then I was sorry to walk off. But when I walked off, he was like, but you liked it. And when he did that, what would you do in that situation? I'm just imagining what the old you would have done.

Yeah. So, yeah, thank you for highlighting the old me because now presently, because of course, I've had guys grab on me in the worst way since then. And I did not react, not even. in any similar manner. But in this time frame, I walked around with a switchblade, and so I had a switchblade in my purse, and I took it out, and I threatened it with him using expletives.

And in reaction to the knife and the threats, he was like, oh, shit, like, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And then I talked my shit, and then I walked away. And then I went to another party, like, whatever, nothing happened. Because a lot of things would happen, and I would just like, all right, I'm going to. Right. It's unfaced. But I don't like that because, again, this is on campus.

I could have been kicked out of school for that. Also, it seemed like you mentally, like you weren't able to stop until, like you said, until you got the apology or until you got your way. It's like you weren't going to just leave and like before that. It's like you had to have that satisfied and like you said to feel like you came out on top before you. And that's part of borderline where it's like you feel things so intensely. Yeah.

And so I have a lot of examples of those. But what I don't like is that I could have ended my career because I worked really hard to get into Hopkins. I've always been studious. And so to let some person that doesn't matter and allow myself to react to that is very disappointing. I do have a question kind of backtracking. When you were at that wilderness retreat and they made you tell your parents and your brother about your grandfather, did that, make you feel any type of, I guess, like, healing or release or not really? It did.

It did help me. Like just to get that off your chest? It had different effects. So on one hand, it was a big release to no longer have that secret. Yeah. You know, I would literally spend nights just replaying it and asking myself, was it really that bad? I mean, he didn't rape me. And that was always like a rationale that some people in my family use.

Okay, because it wasn't rape. So it wasn't that bad. But it was that bad. And so I felt some release, but I also felt like I was just molested at 19, even though it happened when I was 8 and 10 that I remember. Because now it was validated. Now it was like, oh, this happened to you. You're finally like confronting it in a way. And it's very painful.

and part of my story is that I did tell someone when I was 10 and that person unfortunately invalidated it and said verbatim that wasn't molestation and it was never talked about again and so that is part of that emotional abandonment wound because a lot of people with borderline they have abandonment issues because they either was emotional abandonment like someone wasn't there for you or physical abandonment. So borderline personality kind of forms based on just different traumas or things that you've experienced?

Yeah, so I'm certainly not a psychologist, so I don't know the whole, you know, recipe for why that happens, but I do know from what I've been told by mental health professionals is that it's like a combination of unresolved trauma and then like an emotionally invalidated environment. Okay.

So you grew up with people maybe telling you, like gas-liding. you or not believing you or not being there for you. And so you didn't learn how to regulate and validate your own emotions. So it looked like, okay, in order for someone to listen to me, I have to pull a knife out on them because the first time I tell you like, why did you do that? You're playing with me. Or, and that's just one example. So I kind of learned that in order to be heard, I had to take it to an extreme. Yeah, and that was going to be my next question. Like if you had to define borderline personality for yourself, what would that be? I would say it was an exaggerated form of self-protection.

So it was really just me trying to cope with pain that I didn't have the tools to cope with and really just doing the best to protect myself because there's a difference between actual threat and perceived threat. And so it's okay, you know, self-defense if there is an actual threat to your body, to your safety, then, yeah, protect yourself. But then there's perceived threat. And so with me, sometimes I would miscalculate and interpret a maybe benign act as you're trying to hurt me. So now I need to... Like zero to 100. Yeah. And so that obviously did not work out. And there's just so many different examples like that where I was compromising my education, my reputation, my future. In one case, very condensed version, I was kicked out of

a frat house, like physically removed because I, you know, I guess one could say, okay, I did. I assaulted this guy. And the frat house next to this frat house, one of like the presidents, I don't even know how they work, but one of the like prominent members was there. And I don't know if he was literally there outside listening to me, but that guy ended up going to my law school. So had he seen what I was doing and heard me, he could have brought that into, and this is in California. This is like years removed. Like you never know who's watching you and how that can affect your future. So that was another like close call for me where I'm like, you could have already messed up your legal reputation and education before it started because of something you did when you were very angry.

And sober, I can't even blame the alcohol. I was just very triggered. Yeah, and just angry inside. Mm-hmm. So what was the next step for you? Was that being diagnosed or getting help? No. So unfortunately, my brother, he suffered in anoxic brain injury in January of 2012.

So I actually had stopped drinking in November, and that wasn't even planned. Because as I've mentioned, I've gone to do. different programs, I've gone to substance abuse groups, I've definitely tried to cut back, and I did not succeed. So I was like, whatever, I'm just going to keep doing me. But one particular party, I just came way too close to basically being raped, and that was absolutely terrifying. And I was like, that was just way too close for comfort, and it was a very disturbing experience. And so I was like, okay, I'm going to take a break for real this time. I didn't say like forever, but I just need a long break.

But then that January, I got a phone call, a phone call that I had been waiting for. Because I even told my brother in the wilderness program, you know, we do art therapy. We do all types of therapy. And I drove a tombstone. And I told him, like, Yvonne, this is my worst fear, is that you're going to die on me. You're either going to commit suicide or you're going to drive a car drunk. And I'm going to lose you. And my brother is and continues to be my best friend and, like, the person that I love the most.

And so I had so much fear every day that I was going to get that call. And so I finally did get it. I was actually studying for the LSAT to get into law school. And my dad just calls me and he's like, I'm just letting you know that Ivan, he's in a coma. and they found him unresponsive and we're rushing to the hospital right now. So you need to find a way to get to D.C. from Baltimore. And so I found a way, you know, took the train, all that. And once I got there, one of my initial thoughts was, you know, aside from my brother, like,

oh my gosh, like, you know, the life support, all the tubes. He's like dying, literally dying in front of me. and so one of my maybe secondary thoughts was that could have been me and I absolutely felt that and I knew that could have been true because of some of the situations I was putting myself in and so that whole experience was the most nightmarish, numbing, terrifying experience of my life. I thought the worst thing that could happen to someone was death. It's not. To me it's it's being comatose. There's people that have been in a coma for years and their body's atrophy.

They're just there but not there. It's the most twisted thing I've ever witnessed. And so in Yvonne's case, we were told to take him off life support because verbatim, there's a 0% chance that he'll regain any cognitive ability at all. He will never speak, see, hear. nothing. The absolute best best case scenario is that he will be in a vegetative state. And so And how did that happen? Was it from an accident? No. So literally what they told us was it was undetermined. They cannot tell us what exactly led to it. And Yvonne cannot tell us because he was

intoxicated. So he doesn't even remember. In his experience, he was drinking one night and then he woke up six months later from in a hospital. And so what they speculate is that he had walking pneumonia. And because of all the pills and alcohol, he was consuming that suppressed his breathing. So you have suppressed breathing and pneumonia. So it's they, I remember the doctor saying it's likely he went like 30 minutes without oxygen, not without any oxygen, but very small amounts. And it takes, what, like five minutes of no oxygen to die. So that's really, really bad. Like, anoxic brain injury is the worst injury

you can have. And so it was, when I tell you that I literally had to say goodbye to him, like, I had to say goodbye to Yvonne. He's dead. When I say he's dying, that's per the doctor's words. I mean, his, they had to pump him with so many medicines for his heart to keep beating. They had to do so much just to have him physically alive. The brain was out to lunch. No one knows what was going on behind the brain. But after he made it past two days, it's like, okay, he hasn't died. But he's still in such a precarious state.

And so, I mean, we went to church. I mourned him. It was just a matter of pulling the plug. So it was really like he's going to die. So that in itself is just beyond words of how traumatizing that is. And it was a fight. It was a fight to get him medical attention that he needed. It was a fight against the doctors that let us know that this is hopeless.

And so that lasted about six months, the coma itself. And then everything maybe, I want to say two years, maybe hospital. The timeline is fuzzy because it was just so hectic, but it's mind-blowing to see someone that, I've always said this, like, my brother's smarter than me. So he's always like super smart, super charming. And then to see him in a coma, to see him emerge very, very, very slowly, and then have to relearn how to swallow, we learn how to speak. We didn't know if he was going to be blind.

We didn't know if he was going to have memory of any kind. We didn't know what he could do. He had to learn how to literally do everything. And that itself is, I have no words. I mean, it does not feel like this was in 2012. This feels like it was last year. And so I took on more of a caretaker role. I never took a leave of absence from Hopkins.

And so I was juggling a lot of drama at school, plus my studies, plus spending nights and time at the hospital with my brother, still in a coma. I don't know if he's ever going to wake up. And so that was just a very dark time for me and my family. And unfortunately, again, borderline doesn't just disappear because you're having a family crisis. It's still there. I had no desire to drink for most of that time. I was just too like on edge. I mean, waking up, hyperventilating, just crying.

You know, it was just, it was too much that was going on. But what did end up happening is I developed an eating disorder. And so essentially it's like I did a cross addiction from drinking, binge drinking, to now binge exercising and not. eating enough or is, you know, maybe not eating for a whole day and things like that. And that is also common with people with borderline. It's the substance abuse. It's the eating disorders. I check off a lot of them. And so I, my eating disorder, like once I graduated, it just got worse. I ended up going to another treatment center for 10 weeks for that. And that was very challenging,

just to be told, you know, what to eat, to be weighed every day. Again, the same traumas, have to talk about the same traumas, and now I have a new trauma with my brother and just a lot going on. So I completed the eating disorder treatment for 10 weeks, and I actually was supposed to do an inpatient residential, but that manipulative part of me also came out where I could, not fathom not going to the gym. That's how, like, addicted I was to exercising that I had to convince the doctor to accept the second highest level. So I did that. I did, as I was told,

I performed. If anything, I feel like my perfectionism shown through. And I wish I could say that after treatment, I was cured or I had like this breakthrough of healing, but I did not. Instead, what I did is I went to law school, which is really not a smart idea. When I tell you, I just so everything that happened in college, my brother's injury, my eating disorder treatment, now I'm going to go to law school. Law school is very intense. And so that was not, that is a reflection of me not respecting myself, not respecting my boundaries, having low self-esteem, because I clearly did not prioritize my health, my wellness, or my happiness. And so I went to law school. I went on an almost full-right scholarship. And I mentioned that because I have always

hid behind a mask of academic achievement. Literally, like I felt that as long as I have A's to show, no one will suspect how broken I am or how sad I am. And so even when I was on the weekends with guys masked up with guns going to do who knows what, on Monday I was taking my test. I was doing well. On Tuesday, I was studying for the next one. And so it was just very much like a split. You know, on one hand I'm this way, on the other hand I'm this way.

And so I went to law school. that resulted in my eating disorder still persisting but taking a different form. So I leaned more into binge eating disorder. And that, like if you haven't had an eating disorder, so I really did not know about them until I had one. I used to think that, oh, it's women that want to look vain or they just want to look good. It has nothing. And just speaking from my own personal experience, it's not about looks at all.

It's about control. It's about trauma. It's about black and white thinking, perfectionism. It's a mental illness, and it's a mental illness with a high mortality rate. So this is something that could have killed me. As I mentioned previously, I didn't have my period for 16 months. That's really not okay for a young woman. I also developed osteopenia, which is the precursor to osteoporosis.

Again, a 22-year-olds, that shouldn't be happening with me. Given my previous history, it was a direct, result of my malnourishment. And other things, I mean, my nails are breaking off. My hair is super thin, very irritable, very tired. I would have dreams about eating because I was that hungry. I would wake up and then I would panic because I'm like, oh, I just ate chocolate. And I'm like, oh, wait, no, that was just a dream.

I didn't eat chocolate. I don't have to work out an extra hour today. And so it was very twisted. It was very compulsive. It was just switching one vice to another vice. And then once I went to law school, you know, I made a promise, like, I wasn't going to starve myself or skip meals. So I ended up binge eating. And that looked wild.

Like, I'm very embarrassed of those times because when I tell you, I would literally go to the grocery store by a baker's dozen or whatever of donuts. And I would eat them all. Or I would go just compulsively buy food and just like, like eat them in hiding, I would put hand sanitizer on food just to not eat it and end up eating the food with hand sanitizer because it's that compulsive. I almost, I was ready to possibly drop out of law school because of my eating disorder. And no one really knows that except like my parents because it has such a hold on you. And in all honesty, my eating disorder lasted way longer, like three times as long as my binge drinking.

And it's something that I, to this day, have to keep an eye on because it's so easy to slip back. Because unlike with alcohol or any other drug of choice, you have to eat. You have to eat multiple times a day. So every day is a battle. And every day it's calories, you know, how much fat is in this? What is this going to do to my body? Things like that. So that was really, really, really hard to navigate.

And again, just like I was at Hopkins, you know, one day I'm out here doing whatever. And then during the week, I'm very academically focused with law school. Same thing. Very academically focused. I did well. And then, okay, I want to go to L.A. So now I'm in L.A. I'm randomly at, I don't know which details I want to share.

but when I say I was just like all over the place, I was really all over the place. Like maybe one weekend I'll be in South Central at some random house party. The next weekend I'm at a mansion with like A-Las celebrities. I'm in a studio with rappers and artists that I admire. And all of that was so empty because I didn't feel like I fit into any of those situations. I was just seeking validation. and that's part of borderline. It's just that persistent feeling of, like, emptiness

and not really knowing who you are. And so I wish I could say that eating disorder was, like, the worst of it, but throughout law school, I did experience, you know, additional traumatic situations, and the one that really stands out is a very unhealthy relationship. And so this was my first serious, like, love relationship. And that is very, if you look at our trajectory, it's very on brand with borderline people because it was very intense, very fast. It was, yeah, if anything was evidence that I had borderline, it was probably that relationship, in addition to everything I've shared so far, because it was really hard.

to navigate that. It did not help that this person sexually abused me. And again, it was like my grandfather, 2.0. It was another man that I deeply love and care about. It was very confusing. I reached out to my therapist and said what happened. It was not validated. I mean, I was told, I saw two different therapists.

One was like, well, you were torturing him because, I mean, at you and why were you in bed with him? Why were your clothes off? Things like that. And, you know, I wanted you to prevent this from happening. It's like, prevent this from happening. Like, what did I do? And without getting into details, it really was something that I had to process and be like, no, I did not consent at all. And he knew. He knew what it was. And he knew all of my traumas. And so that's what hurt the most is it's one thing. thing because I've had, you know, strangers or men that I don't know do some foul things. It doesn't hit the same when it's someone that you know and you trust.

That's like a whole emotional rape, psychological rape, and then in this case, physical rape. And so it was just so much. And so I kind of did what I did when I was 10 and I just kind of kept it to myself. I kept doing my classes, doing well in school. And since I didn't get that validation for my therapist, I thought, oh, okay, it's my fault. I did that. I was supposed to be, I don't know, practice better communication. One of them was like, that's the time to be black and white.

You should have been black and white with your boundaries. And that was kind of a dig because I swear that lady fell some type of way about borderline people. because she would say things like that where kind of like weaponized the symptoms. That's how I felt at least because black and white thinking is something that she knew I struggled with. And it wasn't a matter of miscommunication. And for anyone listening, even if someone has remorse for violating you, it still is violation. And that was confusing for me because this person was super remorseful and like, you know, crying and apologizing. And I was like, okay, you couldn't have possibly meant it because he was so sorry.

And so it was a very, very confusing experience. And because I wasn't validated, I had so much rage that I didn't really know if I was even justified in feeling that. I just knew that I felt it. And so I wished I would have left that relationship sooner. But I truly was very in love with this person. That's another thing about border lines we love very deeply and very hard and passionately. And so I went to bat for this man. I did a lot for this man.

This man literally told me that I saved his life and that I made him into such a better man, but at what expense, me, my life, my happiness, my health. And so I was like, this is never going to happen again. I'm never going to be someone's rehabilitation center. I'm never going to sacrifice myself or give excuses that, oh, you've experienced. experiences these traumas. So maybe that's why you did it. No. You did it because you did it and there's no passes because you're a trauma survivor yourself. And so that relationship was very intense, very painful, very confusing. And I ultimately left that relationship. I decided to leave

on a Monday and on a Tuesday I was on a flight gone. I left. I left. I love that. California, I moved to Michigan. I completely started over. I didn't have any friends there. I only went there because my parents and my brother were there. And so now I'm living with my parents and my brother, and I hadn't done that in years. And I didn't have a job. I have a law degree. I went to top schools and I'm in this situation. So I was very hard to swallow. But I just knew that I needed to be here because staying in there, I was going, I don't know what was going to happen to me. I was back to losing a lot of weight again. I lost a lot of weight.

People were noticing. My parents were getting concerned. And I was just so emotionally checked out that I just knew I need to leave because I don't think I'm going to make it, whatever that might look like. And so I left. I went, I did DBT therapy. So that's dialectical behavioral therapy, and that's like the golden standard for people with borderline. It's specifically for us to learn interpersonal skills, distress tolerance skills, ways to express ourselves in healthy ways.

And so that was very helpful. I did prolonged exposure therapy for my OCD. So that looked like it's very intense. You basically relive the trauma over and over and over again so that your brain have been. and you don't have that same reactivity. So when you move back to Michigan, you were diagnosed at that point? No. So I had actually been diagnosed a little prior to moving.

And so I was diagnosed at 27. Then I left when I was 28. Got it. And yeah, this therapist was very, very quick to diagnose me. And I was actually misdiagnosed as bipolar at a later point. because she thought that I had both. And so she, and again, this is not a psychiatrist. So she really shouldn't have been saying all this,

but she was insistent that I take medication, like mood stabilizers. And she was like, well, we'll know for sure if you have bipolar, if these medicines work. They didn't work because I wasn't bipolar. Bipolar is a completely different disorder, different, it's more biological. And so what happened was those medicines, I had a really bad reaction. I mean, I think I was tweaking. I don't know what happened.

I just did what she told me to do, the psychiatrist, who also was very questionable. And she didn't really give me specific instructions. So what happened was, I mean, I couldn't even text. I was so like. Shaky. Yeah, I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't sit still. I had to walk around.

I couldn't breathe. Like when I was laying down, I literally just could not breathe. I had to constantly be moving. So it was very scary. And so that was just another example of me doing the most to try to save that relationship. And also be weary of some therapists. I've learned after sharing some of my experiences with therapists that some of them were unprofessional and inappropriate with some of the things that they told me.

and some of the ways that they behaved. Like, for example, with that unhealthy relationship, that therapist was seeing both of us at the same time, both individually and as a couple. You're not supposed to do that. You're supposed to have, you know, separations. So she would bring his stuff into my sessions and be like, you know what, he doesn't deserve that.

And, like, take his side. And she would call him his son. and like, oh, well, you're my son, I'm going to take care of you. And it was just weird. So just things like that. Well, there's always, I think, some sketchy people in every profession. It's like a lot of times we're meant to think that everybody's the good guy, especially when we're looking for help.

But unfortunately, that's not always the case. So after you were diagnosed and you moved back, how did you, I know that you said you went through just different types of treatments and therapies to, to sort through borderline personality. But over time, do you think it was those specific treatments and everything that has really helped you become the person you are today? No. I think what really helped me was community.

Okay. So after, so I was diagnosed with OCD probably around 27, maybe around the same time. and it's interesting because when I look back at my childhood, there were signs, but I just didn't know them. So it's not really that surprising that I developed an eating disorder or borderline or OCD because it's like the seeds were already planted a long time ago. And so with OCD, that to me can feel almost like an addiction because of the intrusive thoughts. They're very compulsive. So when I tell you, I have spent like five hours at a time researching my little delusions

and my little intrusive thoughts, it's like manic. And my rationale goes out the window. I start being very, very paranoid and questioning everything. Maybe someone got this on camera. Maybe this happened. Maybe that happens. So in one of those episodes, I finally opened up to my parents. and I told them what specifically I was worried about and obsessing about.

And in doing so, I just started to share more and more. Because everything that I told you, these are not things that I would ever share. I was very closed off, very private. And so I started to share more and more with my family and rebuilding our relationship and rebuilding trust. And their validation meant so much to me. So it's not a coincidence that I finally left that person after opening up to them. And I was like, they're right.

Like, they never told me to do anything. They just listened. And when I finally could accept, I can't trust this man, I had to leave him. And then with the OCD, when I started to share some of my most embarrassing or shameful behaviors, and they didn't disown me or they didn't judge me, that was so healing. And then I started to share online. I started to write personal essays about some of my experiences.

I started to post on social media and just immersing myself in healing spaces. That truly was the key for me was to start, one, validating myself and not relying on therapists or other people and owning my story. So this is a big part of that where it's like I'm sharing of course not everything but way more than I have ever. And in one setting too, just like sitting down and kind of running through it all. So did you do anything with your law degree? Yeah. So I did. And that was a whole thing in itself because if I'm being 100%, I went into law school not knowing what I wanted to do.

I was literally already looking at other options like, you all go to school for. public relations or maybe I'll go. And do you think that was kind of just like a coping mechanism like you were saying just to always make sure you had maybe like school there, the education to kind of get the good grades and kind of fuel yourself in that way? Yeah. So that was a big part. Another part is my family.

So my father's a refugee from Nicaragua. My mother was brought here through parental kidnapping. So essentially my grandmother fled the same. man that molested me, that guy, their father, and brought my mother and my aunt to live in L.A. So my mom didn't even know she was moving. Nobody knew, just my grandma, to keep them safe and get away from that man. So neither one of my parents came here by choice. There's a lot of trauma in both of their backgrounds. But what I knew since day one, since I was little girl, is education is everything. Education is the only way that my dad got out of the hood, that he was able to stop

sleeping on floors and garages. And the only reason that I'm able to live in the suburbs and go to these great schools was because my parents always invested in our education. I remember, you know, being a little girl in San Mateo and no, I couldn't take dance class because we couldn't afford it. Yes, we would get free groceries from church from, you know, white people will come and donate stuff. and I really internalize that Latinos and brown people are like poor and like less than because all the white people I saw were they lived in houses, they had nice cars, my mom was a nanny for them, they just had better lives. So I just really had like this inferiority complex that in order to maybe be as good as them

and also to validate my parents' sacrifices, because they sacrifice everything for my brother and I, that I have to go to a top school. I have to get my degrees. So that was never a question. Even when I'm out here blacking out, fighting people, I'm still going to go to class. I'm not going to skip class.

And so I, yes, I did everything to graduate. And once I graduated with my jurist doctor, I felt this sense of completion. Like I did it. I'm done. Like I did my duty. I made my parents sacrifice is worth it. And now it was like, okay, well, I guess I have to take the bar. And the bar is like, that's not an exam that you can wing. That is an exam that you have to put your blood, sweat, and tears for like three months straight. And I'm not afraid of hard work. I've been through worse. Like, my threshold for stress is very high. But as I was starting to study, for that exam, I was like, why am I doing this? When I tell you, I don't care, I don't care. I don't care about these legal concepts. I have my own beliefs surrounding the criminal justice system to begin with.

So I'm like, why are you still doing this? Why are you still going through the motions and playing this role? And even when I was studying, just to give you an example of how much I would just be in like autopilot. When I was studying for the bar on campus at kind of like a student lounge, I was a little bit private, not like nobody else was really there. Essentially this individual followed me into the bathroom and it was a man following me into the ladies' room and he didn't announce himself, he didn't say anything. He was very stealth, but I happened to look up and see him walk. And I'm like, what that? Like, that terrified me because no one else is there.

So it's clear he had some questionable intentions. And I just left. I was so scared. I was shaking. But yeah, I talked to the police. I gave a report. And I went right back home and started studying again and ate Chipotle. And it was like nothing happened. But that was extremely triggering and scary. And that also really opened up my eyes because I'm like, you're doing it again, Priscilla. You're doing it again where you're just doing what you think you're supposed to do and you're not prioritizing your health or your wellness or even what you want. So it was a really big deal for me to say, I don't want this. This is, I don't even, because even if I took the bar and let's say I pass, I couldn't even visualize. I couldn't even visualize.

myself being an attorney. I didn't want people to ask me about law. I didn't want people to come to me with that. Ask somebody else. And so if I don't want it, then why am I doing it? So I really had to be courageous and let my parents know, like, I'm not going to pursue a legal career. I just don't want it. And so once I left that person, now I'm in Michigan. Now what? So that was a journey of figuring out what I want to do. I did some work in the nonprofit sector. I actually did work for a law firm for about two years in a non-attorney role in a different role. And yeah, just a little bit of everything. But now I'm doing what I'm supposed to do and what makes me happy, which is being a life coach and being a speaker and sharing my story. So this is like I really wanted to come here

and challenge myself to just own my story. Yeah. No, you did. You know, you really did amazing. And I think, too, it's interesting because I feel like in so many ways your story, people can relate to it, even if it's just one portion of it, but like the eating disorders. And then I feel like the binge drinking, been drinking, right? And binge eating. Like all these different things, I feel like there's probably so many people that have had experience with each of these things. And a question that I did want to ask you was, would you say that borderline personality, like, like varies between different individuals, or does it usually show up like the same? Or what do you think? Yeah, absolutely. It's a spectrum. Okay. So there's like, I would say I was more of a quiet borderline. That's a term that I came across where, so there's nine symptoms that they used to diagnose you. And you need to have at least five of them to be diagnosed. I'm pretty sure I had more than five. And so I don't know them off memory, but some of them include, you know, bursts of anger, mood swings, suicide ideation, or self-harm. It includes anger, unstable relationships, black and white thinking. And then like you said, like the different

addictions or disorders can kind of be red flags for it as well. Yes. So if you have them, it doesn't necessarily mean you may have borderline, but... It can go hand in hand. Yeah, like I think of like Angelina Jolie. I think of like her character and girl interrupted. Actually, I think Winona Ryder's character was the borderline. The movie 13, I don't know if you've seen it. I love that movie.

And I always identified with the protagonist, and I know why, because her ass is borderline. And so it definitely looks different for other people. Absolutely. It can be someone can be. someone can be more of someone that struggles with suicide ideation so that might look like multiple suicide attempts it can be i've never attempted suicide i can look like in my case more that anger that abandonment fears uh because i can recall different times where i had a strong reaction to feeling abandoned by someone and things like that.

And I actually have a, can I show scars? Yes, of course. It's very small and I'm super pale so you can't really see it. But because of a trauma that I witnessed when I was like 10, I have a very strong aversion to blood. So that is the only reason that I never cut myself. And that's sad. But when I tell you, like, I would have the blade in my hand, I would have to talk

myself out of not cutting myself. so I had to get creative that looked like burning myself so it's like a small burn scar it looked like writing on myself it looked like scratching myself hitting myself it looked like an eating disorder

because that is absolutely a form of self-harm at least in my case where I'm starving myself I'm hungry or with the binge eating I'm eating extreme amounts of food to the point that it's painful and it's disgusting So, I mean, just so many different forms of self-harm that I just had to talk myself out of.

So it's, it can look different ways for different people for sure. So I would definitely, if there's anyone listening that's like, do I have borderline? Like, definitely talk to someone, a licensed mental health professional. And then I know that you said that community was like a big help for your healing journey. Another question that I have was, did you find that you needed to? medicine or was it more like that healing kind of within your own time and your own journey that now you're okay oh no i'm on medicine right now okay so do you think most people with borderline should be on medicine depending on the i guess i would say it's case by case because um what i have learned

is that unlike bipolar disorder that has more like a biological component with the right treatment and consistent treatment you can get to a point where you no longer mean you know longer the criteria. Okay. So I'm not sure at this point if I meet the criteria. I'm going to go with yes if I'm not on my medication. Okay. With my medication, I would say no. I'm very much more calm. My OCD is in check. My- Right, because the OCD is something too. And that's completely separate. Yeah. Yeah. So I would say that's, it has definitely helped me. And I did not have any medication. I don't know this might surprise you. I didn't have any medication in college.

And so that I wonder, what if I was medicated? I probably. Like if you were diagnosed earlier. Mm-hmm. But I think too, like you said, during that time, it seemed like you weren't self-aware and I don't think you were ready to open that door. And I feel like when you're that young, who wants to face their demons or things that have happened to them?

Like, I don't think anybody does, like at that point in their life. So, yeah, no, that makes sense for sure. And if I could add to that, my culture plays a role because I am Latina and there is a stereotype that we're crazy, that we're passionate, that we're locas, whatever you want to call us. And so I would get that type of commentary from even like on a first date or someone that I thought was a friend. They'd be like, oh, I don't want to mess with you. You might stab me or, oh, I don't want to mess with you. You're going to pop off and whatever. And so I felt like sometimes people expected that for me.

So my maybe outbursts, instead of seeing them as cries for help, are like fetishized or made fun of. And so, you know, I think of different, even Latinas that I see in TV, if you like Erica Mena, she calls herself like a crazy Latina. But if you look at her background, she has a lot of trauma. And I don't know, I just, I say that because I just want other Latinas and other women to know that whatever stereotypes are placed on you, you don't have to buy into that. Right. Yeah. I think that something for me that I found really interesting is like how I asked if it varies from person to person. Because I don't know much about it.

Like I feel like there's all these different things. There's multiple personality. There's borderline person. You don't, I mean, you can Google the definition, but it can vary so much between person to person and your experiences and your traumas. And I just think it's interesting that, and amazing, that you wanted to come on here and share your story because I think, like you said, too, there might be so many people listening that might have some of these things happen or that they might experience some of these things and might be wondering, well, like, is something wrong with me? Like, I'm not like

everybody else. And I feel like even if you don't have borderline personality, at least it puts it in your head that like, okay, maybe I should talk to somebody and ask. Yeah. Or see somebody because like you said, like, not everybody needs to be medicated, but if you have something and that could help you. And if you're ready to face what's happened in the past or traumas that you might have or dig deeper to get to a place in life where you are more stable. Yeah.

In every aspect. Why not? You know what I mean? Like, it's never too late to start. So I give you a lot of credit and I think you did a great job of owning your story. Thank you. I love to hear it. And I think that your story is very, there's so many different parts to it, like I said,

which to me is so intriguing because, like I said, even if somebody doesn't have borderline personality, there's probably so many people that can relate to different portions of your story because it's things that so many people experience and go through, even if it's just something, like a phase that they're in. It still makes an impact. It does. But you did a great job. Thank you.

So nowadays I serve as a life coach. I have my own private practice and I also work for different organizations. And when people meet me, I was actually speaking to my friend who I'm staying with in the city about some of the experiences I described. And she couldn't believe it. She was like, huh? Like you're so calm and soft and chill. And I'm like, that's exactly why I need to share it because I need people to see like, this was always me. I've always been a very generous, kind little girl, like up until now.

Like always, even when I was out here while in, I was still volunteering and still pouring into my community because that was always me. But the unhealed trauma, it was like I was under the influence of that pain, truly. That was the gateway drug. That was the biggest drug that I was consuming was just all that pain. And that really transformed me into someone that I wasn't proud of. So I'm happy that I'm now back to who I truly am. And so if I can do it, absolutely anyone can do it. And not just me, my brother's also sober.

You know, that was a man that was homeless. I saw him dying. You know, and now he's in a completely different place. He graduated from college. He's about to start working. So the doctors were wrong? They were very wrong. And I remember who they were.

but it's all right though. I understand now that. Like it just is crazy to me because imagine, I mean, we're taught to trust doctors. So imagine if you would have listened and pulled the plug. Absolutely. That's like infuriating. Yeah, I was very upset for a while, especially with my undiagnosed borderline. But I do want to leave space for the fact that some of these doctors were compassionate

and were truly providing what they felt was the most. accurate prognosis. There were some doctors that were a bit insensitive. But I always tell someone like faith was what got us through that. We were told multiple times by multiple professionals, what are you doing? This is hopeless. You have to let them go. And I'm so, so proud to be the daughter of my parents because they fought for my brother and they fought for me as well in different times. So don't ever lose faith. I mean, I could have, I was told I wasn't going to get into law school. I was told I wasn't going to get into Hopkins. Like I, people will always tell you something, but you have to trust yourself first. And that's why I really stress that self-validation is a

superpower because now I lean on my own discretion, my own wisdom, instead of seeking out a therapist, which is okay to see a therapist. I'm still pro-therapy. But, but, you know, but it's so valuable to be able to trust your own voice. And so now I'm able to do that, and I'm able to relate to so many different people because of the experiences I've had. And I want people to know all parts of me, not just the chapter that they walked in on.

I want also the Priscilla with the Chola eyebrows and the lip ring and the tongue ring and just a mess. And all of it is part of your journey and who you are. And I also, I always say, like even for myself, I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't act the ways I did in the past. And it's not an excuse, but it's like you have to do certain things and go through certain things in order to grow and in order to learn a lesson and to realize I don't like the way I acted or I don't like the way that made me feel. So I'm not going to do it again. And I might take five to ten times to keep doing the same thing until you finally stop. but I think that everything we go through and every version of ourselves that we are make us

who we are today. And I feel like in a way it only helps us grow. And I think another thing that you mentioned about how you said like you're so soft now and all this. And I think it's important that makes it even more important to share your past and your journey because I think that it's very easy in today's day and age for somebody to look at people and be like, how are they so nice or how do they have such a good life or how are they so perfect, but we have no idea what they've been through or, you know, what they've struggled with

or continue to struggle with, but are really good at hiding. So I think that it's really important and special that you wanted to come on and open up and share your story. But you seriously did incredible. So you are a life coach now? Yes. Okay. I'm a life coach. I'm also a speaker. So on Friday, I'm actually going to be in Tennessee delivering my first college. Oh, amazing. Yeah. That's exciting. And it's. And it's, it's. And it's. about mental health. So I plan to share my own lived experience because college, as we've discussed, was very chaotic for me. And I just want to normalize speaking about things because what would have happened if at 10 years old, I would have, that person would have been put in jail because one

thing I didn't mention, he was a serial pedophile. He molested multiple women in my family as little girls and he should have never been left with us but he was he was even taken out of the home from my aunt's house by CPS for molesting one of my cousins but no one told us and he went right into our apartment and so that's why I'm so passionate about speaking out loud because when we hide things or we're secretive in many cases it it only helps the predators it only helps right the addictions and so I'm all about just healing out loud, sharing our stories, and I have to do that myself. I can't just preach it. I have to actually do it. Yeah, well, you did incredible. And thank you so much for wanting to come on

this show and share your story and open up. And I really appreciate it. You did such a good job.