We're All Insane - Losing Both Parents to Dementia

Episode Date: August 5, 2024

Natalie shares her journey of losing both of her parents to the devastating effects of dementia. Through heartfelt narration and intimate moments, she shares her experience of caring for her parents, the challenges she faced, and the lessons she learned along the way. This video is a tribute to the love, resilience, and strength that families find in the face of unimaginable loss. Join us as we explore the impact of dementia on families and the importance of cherishing every moment with our loved ones. Natalie's Links: IG: https://www.instagram.com/natalienaula/?igsh=MWxnMmQxNWcwd3dmeQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr Tik Tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@natalienaula?_t=8nxhks5qPNv&_r=1 Helpful Information: https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/difference-between-dementia-and-alzheimer-s If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Business Inquiries please contact: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, my name's Natalie. I'm 24 years old and this is the story of how both of my parents died from dementia. So I was born in 1999. I was born to my biological parents. I will use their real names in this just because I don't necessarily care about like protecting their identity. And it's easier because I feel like if I tried to come up with a fake name, I wouldn't be able to remember.

Yeah. Butch and Shauna are my biological parents. They met a few years before they had me when, when, when I. I was born, my biological mom was 19 and my biological dad was 32. So quite the age gap. They didn't, they definitely were not good for each other. They brought out the worst in each other, a lot of drug issues. And as you can probably tell, like they knew each other when she was a minor, which is not great. So they had me and within a couple weeks, they decided. that it just they just didn't want to take care of me unfortunately within a couple weeks

my biological grandparents stepped in and basically moved my crib from the basement where Butch and Shauna were living and they moved it into their room and they started taking care of me. So were your parents living with your grandparents? Okay. They were living in the basement. Got it. Okay. And so they knew that Butch and Shauna were just were not capable of taking care of me. So they stepped in, started taking me to like all of my appointments, making sure that I had a babysitter and that kind of thing. My biological grandparents were still, they were still, you know, working. They were in their early 60s, but they were still working. And so they couldn't just stay home and take care of me all day. So I had a babysitter. And, you know, as as the months went on,

Butch and Shauna really tried to make their way back in, come and go as they please. And my parents were not having that because they knew that I had deserved better. And they had found at one point when my biological parents had come home with me, there was some sort of pipe in my car seat. because they would take me to their parties and their get-togethers where they would just sit around and do meth. And so they found that and they were like, okay, we've had enough. They were growing like weed in the basement and everything, which I don't have anything against that,

but it's like, come on. Yeah. So they took care of me. And I believe it was around the four or five month mark when my parents, my biological parents were still trying to take care of me here and there. They were really bad about like changing my diaper and making sure that I was a clean baby. And I developed E. coli infection. And that sent me in the hospital. I think I had like a fever of 104, 104, 105. And I was just this little baby. And you're still under six months at this point, right? Yeah. And so they had taken me to the

hospital, obviously, and I don't know how long I was in the hospital for, but I'm sure it was for a few days. And after that, my parents were like, okay, well, my biological grandparents were like, okay, we're done with this. So after that, at some point, Butch and Shauna moved out. I don't know when that was. I couldn't get like a clear answer on that. And obviously, I don't know when that was. So they started just, I don't know, going out and doing drugs more often. And my biological grandparents just kept taking care of me. I think probably for like the next year or so, life was just kind of normal. And I was just living with my biological grandparents.

And come to find out, Shana was pregnant again with Butch's kid. This was when I was about 18 months, and she had her biological son, Austin, who is my full brother. And he was born with meth in his system. So that basically made DHS go to my biological grandparents and say, like, hey, we understand that you're taking care of Natalie. this is what just happened. And if you guys don't come in and take a drug test and get completely tested for everything under the sun, we're going to have to take Natalie and put her into foster care. Because if, you know, one kid is found with it, they're going to assume that it's, you know, multiple.

So my biological grandparents took off from work, went down and they had to do one of those, like, drug tests where the person is in the room with them. as they like pull down their pants and they have to sit there and you know do the test right in front of them and obviously they passed and so I went home with them and that was kind of that was kind of it. Now Austin at that point I believe was he was adopted out by a different family and I do have somewhat of a relationship with him which I will get into later. I did not know about him until I was like the age of 19 or 20. Wow. Okay. So up until then, you thought you were an only child? Yes and no. I knew about another biological sibling that I had. I found out about her when I was, I believe, 16 or 17, which I'll get into as well later as we get into the story. But in total,

I have five biological siblings with them. Not all of them. Not all of them. are with both Butch and Shauna because they have both also branched out. Got it. Yeah. So, yeah, they decided just to bring me in. And my mom always like to joke that she retired to potty train me because it was time for her to retire anyway. It was getting close to, you know, like 65. So she decided to just retire and potty train me.

And I guess now in the story, I'll start referring to my biological grandparents as my mom and dad because I naturally started calling them mom and dad because they were my parents. Right. Like they raised me. They did everything that a parent would do. So, yeah. After I turned two, it was between two and three. three, I was legally adopted by them. And that was something that my parents were super proud of, um, while Butch and Shauna were very bitter. Um, they felt like they were entitled to me,

um, even though they put in like no effort. Right. Um, and I, I think at this point, my, my parents started kind of trying to protect me from them because, um, shana was starting to make threats. that she was going to come and take me, which wouldn't have been smart on her part. I mean, she was already, I'm pretty sure probably in legal trouble. I don't know why she would do that. But she started basically saying that she was going to come and take me. And I've also heard from my sisters, which I guess I'll break down. So if I refer to my sisters, they would be my biological aunts.

So they are Butch's sisters. Does that make sense? So like, Butch is my biological dad. Okay. And then his sisters who are also my biological grandparents kids. Okay. So like after I was adopted, that makes Butch my brother, my biological dad, my brother. Okay.

Does that make sense? Yes. Okay. I just want to make sure I'm explaining it right. No, I appreciate that. So, yeah, my biological aunts, um, basically said that she was getting threats and my mom thought that she was like coming around, not stalking, but like coming around to see what we were doing. And legally, she didn't have any

more rights to me. She had done away with that. During this time, they had had a third child. Together still. Okay. As far as I know, his name is Teigen. I don't know if that's been changed. since he went into the foster care system, it's a lot harder to find him. I was easily able to find Austin because I believe he was adopted through an adoption agency. Okay. So I don't know what it is, but for some reason it's a lot harder to get the records from the foster care system, maybe because it's like totally like anonymous. But yeah.

So he is out there somewhere. I don't know where he is and I haven't been able to find him. But hopefully one day that that'll change. So after my mom started getting really concerned about Shauna and Butch coming around, they decided that we should move out of the state just for my safety and to kind of like give me a better childhood than what it had been. So my parents and I, we moved down to Southern Missouri when I was four or five. And life was great. I mean, as, as like a young kid, you don't really like know what you don't know. So my parents were 60s approaching 70, and they're taking care of me. And I mean, I didn't get to do like the normal stuff that kids get to do, like go and ride rides at like the theme parks because I, a senior step.

a sense not going to go ride a ride. Things like roller skating or swimming, like things that, you know, an elderly person wouldn't be doing very often is something that I didn't get to do a lot growing up, which I think is why I'm so like introverted and scared of like certain things. And I also was like the super attached kid. So I always wanted to be where mom and dad were. But as I started school, I started to realize, like, my life does not look like the other kids my age. And things like on grandparents day, my grandparents would come, but then on parents day, my parents would come. And so kids started, you know, asking, you know, why are your parents so old? Why are they so old?

And as a kid, it was kind of hard to, like, hear that. because like I also I was like well these are my parents like they're cool like what do you mean why are they so old like why are you so young but then I started to notice that everybody's parents were young and I think too when you're at an age like that and there's anything happening out of the norm per se of what everyone else has it makes you feel like a little bit different or like uncomfortable even though if it wasn't for seeing everyone else's environment you you you wouldn't typically feel that way because like you said, they're your parents. They're cool. Yeah. And to you, that was enough. But at that age, it's like that, it's almost like the harshness of the young mind of the people around you in school when they ask you questions and it makes you feel weird, you know, and like you don't know what to say. Yeah. And I, that's, that's exactly how I felt. I felt weird. I felt out of place. Yeah. Um, especially as like I started getting older and I started having more feelings and being more like aware of how different things were. I really didn't feel

like I could connect with kids my age. Also being raised by like elderly people, I felt like my maturity level was like up here and others were down here. Like things that like kids would joke about. I'd be like, that's not funny. Because I don't know, I don't know what it is about it. But I just felt like, I don't know. I felt like a little elderly kid. Like I enjoyed going to bed at eight o'clock at night. Like I was not the kid that wanted to stay up late. I was not the kid that wanted to like go out to the theme park. Like I just liked being at home with my parents and doing my own thing. And also I was an only child. So that kind of like, I don't know. Being around other kids just like wasn't for me. Yeah. So although all of that was going on, life was good. Butch started to come around more.

He actually moved down to Southern Missouri as well because him and Shauna were not together at this point. And just to make sure I have it right. Yeah. Your biological grandparents, was that your biological mom's parents? Biological dads. Okay, so it was Butch's parents. Yes. Okay, got it.

So did you ever have a relationship with your? With, what's her name, Shawna? Mm-hmm. With her parent? Okay, got it. I've never met her. Never seen her in person. I...

Your biological mom. Mm-hmm. At all? Ever. Ever. So she was just making these threats. Mm-hmm. But you hadn't, you haven't seen her since you were what age?

Probably like a few months old. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. So that's why I say like she felt so entitled to me when she wanted nothing. nothing to do with me. It was obvious. And you really didn't have any memory of her. Right. And when she was pregnant with me, my parents, you know, gave her the resources. It sounded like she didn't have a great life growing up. It sounded like this was probably a generational thing. Yeah. It sounded like her

mom probably did this to her or did something to her to make her this way. So when, when she was pregnant, my mom was like, you know, like, let's get you on WIC. Like, let's, um, let's make sure you have everything you need. And she was just so like, she didn't want anything to do with it. She's like, I'm going to be fine. Like, this is my baby. I'll be fine. Yet she didn't do anything to prepare for that. Granted, she was really young. Um, because she was probably 18 when she got pregnant with me. Um, but she also was given all the resources. And you'll see throughout the story, she's given the resources as she gets older and she just never wants anything to do with it. So, yeah, life was great at this point. I was thriving in school. And Butch started to come around a little bit. But I did notice as a

kid, it was really weird to me that my mom never let me be alone with Butch. She always had to be there or my dad had to be there. And I'd say like, he would say stuff like, let's go get some ice cream or let's go get McDonald's. And like I would see my mom shoot him a look. And I never, like I caught it as a kid, but I didn't understand it. And at this point, I didn't know that Butch was my biological dad. I thought he was my brother.

Okay. I had not caught on to the fact that these were not my real parents. Okay. And so obviously this was. wasn't a conversation that you guys had had yet. Not yet. No. So I just, I was like, yeah, my parents are older and like, I don't know. I just, I never really like, maybe it's just because my brain wasn't developed enough, but I've always had like people say like, well, how did you not know? And I don't know. That's just how things were. And too sometimes, if you're happy and you're

fine, why would you want to know? Why would you want to know anything else? It's not like you were in an environment where you're like, what is going on? Yeah. Leading into that, since, you know, I didn't really care to know, and obviously I don't think my brain was developed enough to really wonder why. There was one day in school that I remember, and this girl was never nice. So I think this was probably like the third or fourth grade. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal.

On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. This not so nice girl came up to me one day in the hallway, and she said, I know who your dad is. And I was like, what? And she said, I know who your dad is. and I said, yeah, my dad, my dad is my dad.

His name is Asa. So I said my dad is, his name's Asa. And she's like, no, it's not. It's butch. And I was like, no, it's not. And how old were you? I was probably like third or fourth grade, maybe like nine, ten. And she was younger than me.

So I'm like, who is this girl coming up to me? Right. I was like, who do you think you are? Yeah. And she was also like not. for being super nice. And I think she'd had a rough childhood. So I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

And she was, she actually was living next to where Butch was living at the time. He had kind of gotten his life together a little bit to where he was living in a trailer and he was working. But I don't know what he was doing on the side. So come to find out, he had told this, this young girl, I'm Natalie's dad. And I don't know if that, like, I don't know if the conversation came up while he was talking to the neighbors, her parents, or what. But I remember going home and just being so, like, distraught to my parents. And I was like, this girl is saying that which is my dad.

And my parents just kind of like brushed it off. And they were like, no, like, don't listen to her. She's not nice. She doesn't know anything about us. You know, just don't let it get to you. And so my innocent little brain was like, okay. And I honestly didn't think anything of it. And I remember that there was one day, it was around, I remember I was 11 years old.

My mom sat me down and she was like, okay, we need to have a talk. And I'm thinking, okay, she's going to have like the period talk with me or we're going to talk about like that other thing, you know. And the bird and the bee. Yes. And she basically is like, so as you know, your dad and I are not your parents. Like we're not your biological parents. And I was like, what?

Like, what do you mean? And she said, you know, this is, this is something that like I think you're old enough to understand now. But which is your biological dad? And I was like, really? And she's like, yeah, she's like your biological mom. She's like, I'm not going to tell you a whole lot of information about her. like when you're older, if that's something that you want to find out you can. But we don't have a relationship with her. We don't talk to her. We've never had a relationship with her ever since

you were adopted. And I just remember feeling so like not blindsided. I was not angry with my parents at all. I'm glad that I wasn't angry. I think if maybe I would have been like a rebellious teen, I probably would have been angry about it. But I just felt there. very like, what the heck. Confused, I'm sure. I was confused. I also felt a little bit less than because I was like, well, why didn't they want me? Yeah.

Like, why wasn't I good enough to be their kid? And it sucks because I feel like naturally that's kind of where your brain goes. And that's why a lot of people, as I've like, I researched. I didn't research. I was going to school for psychology. And it's really common for kids and babies that are adopted to have like abandonment issues and insecurity issues because, you know, you were left at some point. Even if you were a baby, like your body still feels that. And I think too, when you're young, it takes us so long for our brains to develop and to learn about different people and life.

And I think that for a long time, we can spend a majority, majority part of our younger lives blaming ourselves and not really thinking about the fact that it was their choice and their own issues. And it was for the best. Yeah. But you know what I mean? Like I feel like for a long time, naturally we blame ourselves. Mm-hmm.

And our brain doesn't have that capacity to really understand it. Yeah. Like, I swear my frontal lobe just developed. Like, I see things in a different life. Yes. So it's so weird how things that I thought about back then or even just like five years ago. And I look at it now and I'm like, that's... You start to change a lot. Yes. In a good way though for the most part. Yes. Yes. So I kind of had like a little bit of like an identity crisis of like, who am I? Right. Why didn't these people want me? And I remember searching. I had asked, I think I had asked my sisters. What was her name? and they told me because they thought that I was entitled to that information. And I remember, like, little 13-year-old meets, like, on my phone, like, looking up, like, Shauna, like, who is this lady?

And I had found, like, her Facebook. And it just felt like I had, like, opened up this, like, whole new world that, like, I hadn't seen before. And I realized, like, man, like, I really don't look like her. And I'm like, is this really, like, is this really my biological mom? And she is. But I just, I honestly thought that it was just going to be like this picture perfect, like lady that looks just like me.

And that's not at all of what it was. And it could be also like the drugs because she's been doing meth for so long. So as I start to get older, though, my mom and I start to really butt heads. And I think that that's normal for most teen girls and their moms. But for us, it was a little bit different because here she is, this 70-year-old lady trying to raise a girl in today's world, which is like the world that she did not grow up in. Right. So I wanted to wear short shorts and like ripped jeans. And she absolutely hated that.

And she also like, she was really hard on me on things that like other parents wouldn't be hard on their kids. for. And I always had to get perfect grades. And I don't blame them for pushing me for that, just because, I mean, I think I would want that for my kids. But I always felt like I was just like under pressure. And during this time, I start to find out because I'm starting to catch on to my mom's mood swings and what triggers her. And I can see like the stress just like building up in her. And I had asked, I had gone to my sisters a few times. Like, hey, what the hell is going on with mom here? Or like, hey, mom said this to me today.

And they were like, yeah, you know, she had a really rough childhood and come to find out she was adopted as well. And her parents just straight up didn't want her. And she was told that. And it was just, I mean, as a kid, I cannot imagine hearing that. So my mom really struggled with taking care of me. Although she did a great job taking care of me, she always made sure I was safe, fed, clothed. Like she gave me everything that I ever wanted and more.

But when it came to like the parenting and the mental part of it, it was really hard for her. And my dad was still working full time at that time. So most of the parenting came from her. And so whenever things would go wrong at home with her and like we'd get in an argument, I would just, of course, like, go to my dad when he got home and like he was my safe place. And around this time is when my parents sat me down and they were like, hey, like we need to talk. Dad went to the doctor today and he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. And me being young, I didn't know what that meant. I think I was about 14 when he was diagnosed, maybe 13.

And they were like, he's going to start forgetting things. And, you know, if you notice that he's going, like, if he starts getting agitated or angry easier, like, this is just part of the process. And the doctors did say when he was diagnosed, this is going to be a very slow progressing disease. So you could, I mean, he could have it for five to 10 years. So I don't know for anybody that doesn't know what Alzheimer's is. It's basically your brain is dying.

The parts of your brain that remember phone numbers, names, places, how to get to places, reasoning, or making decisions. What about memories? Like, is it long term and short term or mainly just the short term? At first for him, it was just the short term. And I think that's more common for it to just be the short term. Because up until probably a year before he passed, he would still like tell us things that happened when he was in Okinawa, like serving in the war. Like he still knew like those old stories.

Okay. So I started to notice, you know, like a little bit of like a decline. He started, you know, getting agitated. and that's really common for men with Alzheimer's, is for them to get angry on things that they would never get angry on or for them to say things like their character kind of changes. My dad was never a racist person. He was never a homophobic person.

But as the Alzheimer's progressed, his slurs started coming out. And we were like, where the hell did this come from? Because like, this is not him as a person. it just completely changes their personality. And he could be angry one minute about something. And then the next minute, he would be fine. And so we kind of just tried to, we kind of just tried to like feel it out. And it was really hard on my mom, though, because she was his main, she was his main person.

And I can't imagine watching like my husband go through that. like I can't imagine I can't imagine going through it again but I can't imagine like watching my husband go through that like the person that I was with my whole life um for getting slowly losing themselves yes yes and the other hard thing is like he he knew that he was kind of getting sick but then there there comes a point where like they no longer know that they're sick anymore so um like at first he would be like gosh why can't I remember this. And then as the disease progressed, he's like, I don't, like, I don't know what this is. Like, instead of him getting agitated with himself, he just plainly didn't know, like, anything.

So as the disease got worse, he also started getting sick more often. First, he came down with strep, which you can get strep in your throat, but you can also get strep infections elsewhere. And he got a strep infection in his knee that basically put him in the hospital for a week. He went into like kidney failure. So he was peeing black. Jesus. Yeah. He developed a mass around his heart from the infection. And they told my mom, you need to get your affairs in order. This happened when I think I was probably about 11. So it was at the very beginning of everything. And then he also came down with carbon monoxide poisoning. The place that he worked, he worked at a car wash.

One of the machines was off one day and he got carbon monoxide poisoning. And then a few years later, he came down with a sepsis infection. So it was just like infection after infection and he would get UTIs here and there. And I think that's more common as people age as well, especially with like the Alzheimer's. Like he would get like, I think both things came from a dirty wound. So like he wouldn't clean it off right away and an infection would develop. So but we tried to just like let him be the person that he was before as long as we could. one of the worst things that you can do as like a caretaker is taking away someone's independence

that has Alzheimer's. Like if we told my dad, you know, you can't mow the lawn, even if it looked like shit, like just let him mow the lawn. Like, because then he will, he will get that like dopamine in his brain because he's still able to get that. He's still able to feel like he accomplished something. So like just let him mow the damn lawn, even if it looks bad. Like let him. fry the bacon, even if it's like burnt to a crisp. So we tried just like letting him be, because that's also what we were told, you know, just like let them be as independent as possible for as long as possible. So at this time, I'm starting to like develop a severe anxiety around my parents because at this point, I know that I am not going to have my parents as long as

everybody else typically has their parents. And obviously there's, you know, accidents. that happen and people can lose their parents when they're really young, but I knew that it was just going to be me at one point. And that was like terrifying. So anytime my parents would even develop a cough, I would just like, I'd freak out because I'd be like, oh my gosh, this is it. And I knew, you know, older people don't heal from things like a normal 40-year-old would. So if my parents came down with like bronchitis, it was much more big deal. deal than, you know, a normal parent coming down with it. So at this time, I'm kind of just trying to take pictures as much as I can because I know my dad is not going to be there one day. I kind of

come to like the conclusion that like, you know, I need to have these memories at one point. And all of my attention was kind of on my dad. And I'm. sure that that wasn't great for my mom because, you know, she needs help. Like it's kind of like the whole stay-at-home mom situation. Like, like they need attention to type of thing. So I just kind of, I was just going on with life. And I ended up in this relationship with this guy in high school. and I will not get into like too much of the details into that because that would be a whole another like episode um but it was a really toxic relationship but I found myself not home very often and I was using it as like an escape to get away from what was actually happening at home

because the thought that like my parents were going to die a lot sooner than everybody else is was terrifying to me. So I would. go over to this guy's house every day. And I mean, that was great for him because that's what he wanted. He wanted like the control. And I gave that to him. And I'm still kind of like trying to like forgive myself for that because that's just I guess it's like, I don't know, it's guilt that I'm just trying to work through because man, that's, that's time that I could have just been with my parents more. And I just gave it to this person that I didn't even end up working out with. But I think too, sometimes when we have a fear of something, we tend to distance ourselves more from it.

And I think that's just unknowingly and unconsciously what our brain does. It's like a way of protecting yourself. And then when you look back and you reflect, like, of course you're going to be like, well, I could have done this. But in that moment, I don't think your brain is thinking that way. It's almost thinking, okay, how can I shut these feelings? off and just do whatever I can so that if and when it does happen, I don't hurt as much. Yeah. I definitely was using it just as an escape from reality. And I remember his disease was getting a lot worse to where like he didn't know my boyfriend's name, but it's not like he ever came

around anyway. So I felt bad with that. And I also school was not going well. I felt like in high school I kind of, I distanced myself from everybody because everybody was like wanting to party and be crazy and like go out and everything. And I just didn't connect with any of that. I felt like I had already left that part of my life, even though I never had it. I also like, so I don't know like how your relationship is with your grandparents, but like, you know, you picture like a little cute old lady. like you wouldn't want to lie to them about like when you're going out like I felt like I was like

lying to my grandma like if I was like yeah I'm going to go over to so-and-so's house and have a sleepover but I was going to a party like I just felt like shit about that so I never went through that phase but so as you know high school started ending we were talking more and more about moving back up to Iowa because that's where I was born and that's where the rest of our family was and my dad was becoming too much work for just my mom to take care of him. So we decided to move back up here after I graduated high school and that was in May of 2018. And unfortunately, I brought my boyfriend at the time with me. I should have just left him there, but I didn't. wish I would have. That would have really saved me some time and money. But when we moved back up there,

I moved in with one of my sisters and then my parents moved in with the other. And I was looking for an apartment to live and I was also, you know, raising like a man child, you know, trying to get him to get a job and brush his teeth every day. I don't know why we all have to go through this phase. Always. Maybe there are some women that don't, but they are so lucky. Yes, I understand. It's terrible. I look back at that part of my life. And I'm like- That's also probably why you just don't forgive yourself for that time. Yes. When you're out of it, you're like, what was wrong with me?

Yes. Like I shouldn't have to beg you to brush your freaking teeth. Horrible. Come on. So I was trying to find an apartment and I was working my ass off. I had taken a job as a maid. That was the first job that accepted me. So I was like, okay, I'm in.

And that's just not something that I would tip. do, but my ex wasn't working just because, you know, a job is just too hard. And I remember my parents were just absolutely done with this guy. And they had finally found a place to live. And my mom, I remember she had begged me, like, if you kick him out, you can just come live with us. Just come live with us at home and everything will be fine. It'll be like how it was before. And of course, I didn't listen. And I don't know if I mentioned, but at this time, Butch was not in the picture ever.

I would say he came around until I found out he was my biological dad. And then after that, he didn't come around at all. Do you think there was a reason for that? Probably guilt on his part. Like, did you say something to him? Or do you think your parents did? I think my parents told him that they had told me. And he probably just didn't even know how to handle it.

He didn't know how to react to it. I also find him to be very like cowardly. So I bet that he just kind of like put his tail between his legs and was like, okay, well, I'll just stay to myself. And it was easier as her brother. It's less responsibility. Yes. Yes. So, and it's not like he even did much for me as a brother either.

Like, I, yeah, I don't know. There's definitely, like you said to it, I think it's the guilt and like you knowing like, oh, this is my dad. I think in his mind it probably was like, oh, well, that opens a new door. And it's just too much responsibility. Yes. Yes. And I think he's scared of like emotional things like that. I don't know if it was the, you know, 20, 30 years of like drug abuse.

But he's just not capable of handling emotions. in any sort of responsible way at all. But he's not a part of my life at this point. I did see him, well, I should probably mention. So when I was probably 15, no, yeah, when I was 15, he had had twins with his girlfriend at the time. And so they are my biological half-siblings. and they were born prematurely. I think that they were just a little over a pound each when they were born.

And to this day, he doesn't. I mean, he definitely comes around them more often than he did with any of the other kids, but that doesn't justify his actions. He still, to this day, is just going back and forth from Missouri to Iowa, doing drugs and God knows what else. And I do hear that he still has a relationship with Shana. So that's great. But anyway, so during this time that I'm trying to find an apartment and my parents

were moving in, I started to feel like extreme depression because I knew that my dad was getting closer to being at the really hard stage in Alzheimer's, and that's whenever it turns into dementia. And so I felt like this impending doom that, like, I knew what was going to happen. And it was going to happen within a couple years. And I also knew that I could not rely on my partner at the time, just because I just knew better. And I remember at the time, I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts. There was a train outside my sister's house. And I would think quite often about just going out and sitting on the rails, which is something that now that I'm not in that place, I think, wow, that's terrifying. I think I would be scared if I felt like that again. But then I just

felt so low that I just felt like I had no other choice out. But I also, the thought, the only thing that kept me going, there were two things that kept me going. And that was knowing that I wanted to be there when my parents passed. And I could not imagine disappointing them in this way. Because my dad can barely understand feelings now with his Alzheimer's. I can't imagine, like, somebody having to tell him that Natalie killed herself. So that really kept me going. And also, I had just found out about.

my biological half-sister who she's my biological, we share the same biological mom. So she's Shauna's kid. But she has a different biological dad. And at the time, she was like, I don't know. She was probably 12, I want to say, maybe 13. And I just remember looking at pictures of her and being like, oh, my God, this is the little sister that like I always wanted. Like this is everything that I've wanted.

And I also remember at the time thinking, how sad would it be if I killed myself right now? And she finds out about me and finds out that Natalie killed herself. Like I didn't even have the chance to meet her. Yeah. And I knew that she hadn't met any of her biological siblings. So that kept me going. as well. So I guess like the guilt of disappointing others kind of kept me going as bad as it sounds. But it was like a blessing in disguise, I guess. For sure. So I meet her in August of 2018.

And my parents were with us and it was really hard for my dad to wrap his head around. He kept asking, you know, who are you guys again? Like, are you Natalie's friend? Like, he just couldn't get it. And did he still remember you at this point? Okay. So that's one thing. He never forgot who I was. Okay, good. He forgot who everybody else was.

Well, except my mom. But he never forgot who I was. And I honestly couldn't have asked for like anything more just because knowing that he remembered me until the end was just, I don't know, just like so heartwarming. So meeting my biological sister was really great. And we still have a relationship to this day. I just saw her a few weeks ago. And I took her and her other sister, who is also adopted, but not related to me.

I took them to the Zach Bryant concert in Iowa. Yeah. So it was so much, like it's been so fun watching her grow up. And she graduates high school, I believe, next week or the week out. after and it's just like, I don't know, it just makes my heart so warm thinking about her. But yeah. Does she have a relationship? She does not with her.

Okay. Nobody has a relationship with Shawna. Okay. So, yeah. And she was adopted to other parents. Mm-hmm. Yes. So this family, her parents, they have six children and they're all adopted.

Wow. from different, well, two of them are from the same biological mom, I believe. So you were able to find her because you said it was more like an adoption agency. So it wasn't as So her mom found me. Wow. Okay. And I don't remember the like specific story around it, but they put like last names together. And they were like, wait, I think that this person's related to this person. And so they, my sisters at the time owned a wine shop in Des Moines. And, and, and, and, And my biological sister's mom had called the wine shop and was like, I know this sounds really weird. But I think that your sister is related to my daughter.

And my sisters were aware that she was out there. But we didn't know anything more than that. That's really cool, though. Yeah. So I really love that part of my life. Yeah. Because even though I feel like I've dealt with so much loss, I was so happy. to have had that relationship. Yes. Yes. So also around this time, my parents were settling into

their new home and it was great. My dad was kind of, he had kind of like reached like a plateau in his disease where it was just like the everyday like forgetfulness and agitation. But he was healthy physically. That's one thing about both of my parents is they were really healthy physically up until their mental kind of took over. So I had met Austin at this point. And I had found him through an agency that he was adopted through, I believe. And they must have made contact with him after I tried making contact with them. And I think that they provided my name to him. So then he found me. Okay. And we met in person. And it was so weird seeing a guy that looks like me. Like I remember being like, what the hell? Like I mean, like growing up when you have a sibling, it's like, yeah, we look alike.

But like when you go, I think I was 19 or 18 at the time, like I went that long without knowing that I had a brother really. And then finding out that he looks like me, I was like, oh, my God, this is so weird. So, met him. That was great. We still have sort of a relationship to this day. He definitely likes to do his own thing. And I think he's got more of like a extroverted, like, personality. Like, I don't think he likes to stay in one place for long.

I don't think that he likes to be tied down to things. so he's always somewhere doing something. And luckily around this time, my ex moved out. I kicked him out. Good. Get rid of them. Yes, because my family was like literally bribing me with cold hard cash. They were like, here's $500. Get him out of here. And so I kind of like, like I'd kind of like just come to the conclusion that it was just like not worth it anymore. And I was like, hey, you got to have somebody come pick you up. Like, I can't do this anymore. Shipping you back. Yeah. So then I'm shipping you back. So of course, like, I'm like at this point, I don't know, I was, I was really heartbroken because I had put so much of my time and effort into this person that I thought I could fix

because, you know, we like to fix people that once it was all over and he was gone, I just didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know myself. Um, But I will say when we were together, it was funny. It kind of just like came to me full circle. So I would go to my parents to get away from him. And before that, I would go to his place to get away from my parents. So when things started turning toxic with him, I would go to my mom's house. And that was my safe place. And I think she knew at the time, you know, things were really rough. But she wasn't like, She wasn't like saying, you know, break up with him, like, kick him out. Like, she was just having this very supportive relationship to where, like, I could confide at her. She wanted me to talk to her, which is something that, like, my mom never really wanted. I think older people have a really hard time showing their emotion. So to see her kind of like soften up and want to talk to me about those things was great.

So right after we had broken up, I remember my birthday was just right around the corner. And I think it was my 19, no, my 20th birthday. And on my 20th birthday, my mom had planned to have dinner for me at her house. And she actually invited Butch's twins over because we've had like an on and off relationship over the past like eight or nine years. and they were waiting there and I just could not bring myself to leave the house. I remember sitting in my apartment just like sobbing because I just felt so distraught over what had happened, but I also didn't want my mom to see how heartbroken I was. And I actually never ended up showing up to my own birthday party just because I was so afraid for her to see how hurt I was.

And that's something that, like, I just, I literally just worked through in therapy, like, two weeks ago because I just have kept it to myself for so long. And I just remember her calling me and being like, where are you? Like, we have dinner ready. Like, I have your gifts. And here I am without a mom on my birthday. And so that is, like, really shocking. And it's really hard to think about because I carry a lot of guilt around that. Because, you know, like, I guess like you don't really know someone's gone until they're actually gone. Like that's such a real thing. Yeah. So even though I was so down and depressed, life started like looking up. I had gotten a new job at a bank that was only like three minutes from my house. And my parents were so proud of me. My dad was doing good. My mom was doing good. And within like, well, it was like my first day. I walked into the bank. And the person that held the door open for me is now my husband. Wow. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

So how did that happen? So they had just opened. And it was my first day. So I was there like right when they were opening. And I had walked in. Hi. I had walked in. And he held the door open.

It was like, good morning. I was like, oh, this guy has such like a warm smile. Like so welcoming. But like me being shy. I've kind of come out of my shell a little bit since. I'd hope. But I just was like, hi. And because like, I don't know, I was just really shy. And all I said was hi. And I, I remember right when we first started dating, he said that he like went back to like the other guys at work. And he was like, she does not seem nice.

Because like, I just, I guess I, at that time, I don't know. I had my guard up with everything. Wait, where did he work? He worked there. He worked at the bank too. Yes. Okay. Got it. So, but he he worked in a different department than me. Okay. But he had just so happened to be opening the door that morning. And so I had been working there for a couple months. And I don't know how he'd added me on Snapchat. I don't even know who uses Snapchat anymore.

But he had added me on there. And he had said, like, when are you going to take me out to lunch? Like, as a joke. And I was like, not this again, dude. Yeah, I was like, I can't do this right now. And I felt so, like, strong about not getting into a relationship. And so I was like, oh, like, this guy just wants to be friends. Also, like, my relationship was so, like, emotionally abusive.

I could not tell when someone actually liked me. Right. Like, I feel like I had, like, the twisted way of thinking, like, if someone's mean to me, then they like me. You didn't have, like, any healthy understanding of. Yes. So he was not, he was definitely not at all what my ex was. And he was just very kind. And I remember we had gone on our first date, which he says wasn't a date. He said it was just lunch. And he just, I don't know. I just was like, this guy seems so nice. Like there's something wrong here. Like there's got to be something wrong here. And he had actually asked me like two weeks into dating. He was. like, hey, do you want to go to Myrtle Beach with me? And I was like, I just met you. Like, you could kill me right now. Like, you could literally take me across the country and kill me. But I was like,

yeah, like, let's go. And after that trip, I remember being on that trip and only knowing him for, like, a month in more than just like as a coworker. And I just remember being like, this is the guy that I'm going to marry. Like, I remember being on the trip and wanting to tell him, like, I love you. because that's just how strong I felt. But I was like, I can't do that. Like, it's way too early. Like, I'm not going to be that girl. But as time went on, we just, like, got closer.

He got along so well with my parents. There's a really funny memory that we have. So, like I said earlier, when my dad, his, like, disease started getting worse, he would say a lot of, like, borderline racist things, especially. in their day and age, you know, that kind of thing was more accepted. But one of the first memories that I have of them together was my mom had made some chili. And she'd invited both Stephen and I over, my husband's name is Stephen. And he's just a little disclaimer.

He's from Ecuador. So he was born in Ecuador and moved here when he was like two. So he likes ethnic food and that kind of thing. my dad probably did not know where he was from he probably couldn't have remembered that but stephen had said oh like this chili's really good it's it's got like kind of a kick to it and my mom was like oh you you like spice and my dad was like of course he does he's a foreigner and stephen handled it with such grace and just laughed it off he thought it was hilarious when a normal person would probably be like, what the hell?

Right. And I just remember thinking, okay, yep, this is the guy. This is the guy. Like, he understands this. Like, he knows my dad would never do that. Although he didn't know my dad before the disease, like, he just gave him the benefit of the doubt. And I just so appreciated that.

Yeah. So life kind of goes on from there. I remember my 21st birthday that year, Stephen had put together, like, a whole, like, crazy day for us. Like, he had included my parents in on it, too, which I loved. We had ended up going to a winery and I got wine drunk with my parents. It was amazing. And that was nice, too, that they were around when he came into your life.

I think that's really important. Yes. It was such a healthy, such a healthy relationship that you could have with your in-laws. And so that was great. And then so my birthday was in September. Shortly after my dad started declining, we were noticing that he just couldn't be as mobile, which wasn't like him at all. And there was one day that he woke up and half of his face was really droopy.

And that's like a big sign of a stroke. So with him being. so forgetful and agitated by certain things. So he'd had a stroke, but we, you know, when someone has a stroke, there's really not much that can be done. All they really do is just go to the hospital and take scans to confirm that they've had a stroke. But after that, there's nothing that can be done.

No. I hear her breathing in them like. Yes. I think you should keep that in. So he had a stroke. Yes. Okay. And he, you know, we were like, we're not going to put.

him through having to go in and sit through an MRI. And quick question for you. So basically the term changes as they begin to decline. So then it turns to dementia. And basically that's just a more serious form of Alzheimer's. So I've heard it describe different ways. I've heard that dementia is like a more severe, like that's what it turns into. But I've also heard that dementia is the side effect that like your body is dying.

Got it. Okay. So either way, that is starting to take over. Okay. And there was one day that I was at work, and I see that Stephen's calling on one of the lines. And he was working upstairs at this point, so in a completely different department. And, like, I answer the phone, and I'm like, you know, trying to be all flirty. And I was like, hey, I was like, what's up?

He's like, your sister called me and there's something wrong with your dad. And I was like, like, I'm trying to get the details over the phone. And he's like, just balance your drawer out. and tell, like, tell your boss that you're leaving. And I was like, okay. So I balanced my drawer out. I'm like, I got to go. Something's wrong.

And we get in the car and he was like, your dad fell. And he wouldn't wake up. So we're going to go to the hospital. And I was like, okay. So I call my sister on the way. And what had happened was my dad had gone upstairs to like shower or something. and my mom heard like a loud bang and she went over to the staircase and he had just collapsed and was not responsive.

He wasn't waking up. But he still had like a pulse and everything. So she called 911 and they showed up and they, they're like, we're going to take him in. So what happened is he'd probably had a stroke that was just more severe than the ones that he had had and caused him to pass. out and at the hospital I was just praying like as bad as it sounds I was just praying that they wouldn't send him back home because it was getting to the point where it was like way too much for my mom right like nobody ever wants to send their parent into a home or like a nursing home or anything but like I was always worried about my mom I was worried that like what if he fell while

she was trying to help him to the bathroom and like took them both down and she broke a hip like those thoughts were coming into my mind. It was just getting to be like too much for her. Exactly. So I remember he got into the car and like the doctor was like there's nothing we can do. And like I know that there's nothing that they can do but like a little bit more I don't know like a friendlier way of saying it would have been nice. But he's like yeah, there's nothing we can do.

And like this is in the middle of COVID. So nobody's able to go into the hospital. My mom was able to, like, go in with him, but she had to sit in the car with us while they were, like, taking care of him. So she wasn't even allowed in. No. He was literally inside by himself. He had a history of, like, getting physical with nurses because the agitation with Alzheimer's is really bad. It causes them to just hit and do whatever.

And he felt like, you know, he was in danger. So I'm sure that there were probably some, like, punches thrown at that time, unfortunately. unfortunately. And they released him and he got in the car. And the first thing he said was, where's Natalie? Because it's like he knew that I was waiting. And I was like, I'm right here. And he's like, okay. And they're like, you guys just need to go home, take it easy, like follow up with your primary care position. Like, that's going to do anything. We leave the hospital and we don't even get five minutes down the road. And the hospital calls us back. And they're like, you need to bring him back. We we think it's like far worse than what it actually is. And so I was like, thank God,

because I could not imagine another night at home for my mom with him. So we take him back. And to make a long story short, he was admitted to the VA hospital in Des Moines. And because of COVID, we did not get to see him. So that was in October of 20. We did not see him until March of 2021. Wow. We couldn't talk to him on the phone. Because of COVID, there was just no communication.

We couldn't see him. The first time we saw him. Why not the phone? I don't know. Also, like, they were. So none of you had access to him. So were you just getting information from like the doctor? Yeah, like nurses would call us, like update.

us on how he was doing, not often. We also, we were, I guess I shouldn't have said we couldn't have talked to him on the phone. We were kind of scared that if we talked to him on the phone, he'd be like, when are you coming to get me? Okay. And like ramp him up, you know? So we, I don't know if we had that option, but we definitely didn't take advantage of it. As much as we wanted to talk to him, he would think, you know, like, when are you coming to

get me and then that's going to, you know, cause him to not be pleasant. So, um, we saw him in March of 2021. Um, I'm going to go back a couple months. So in December of 2021, December of 2020, um, I got engaged. Steven and I had only been dating for like nine months. And he proposed. And of course, I said yes. Um, but the night before he proposed, something weird happened. And I was over with my mom hanging out with her. We were trying to keep her as, you know, give her as much company as possible since my dad wasn't at home anymore. And she had said, you know, I don't know what I'm going to do with my hair for pictures

tomorrow. And I was like, what are you talking about? And she's like, I just don't know what I'm going to do with my hair. I don't know what I'm going to wear. And I was like, for pictures. And she was like, yeah, the pictures that Stephen's going to be taking. And I was like, because in my head, it was my understanding that Stephen's, like, Stevens family was going to have family pictures taken.

And that's what we were going to dress up for. But my mom wasn't invited. And my sisters weren't invited from my understanding. So I was like, why is my mom talking about this? And I remember I called my friend at the time. And I was like, is Stephen proposing tomorrow? And she was like, I don't know. And like, luckily she kept a really good secret.

but she almost ruined the proposal because her mind slipped. So I chalked it up to her being stressed out from my dad and, you know, being worried and everything. But I remember like my mom kind of in the in-made conversation, she's like, oh, I don't know. I don't know what I was talking about. And she tried to like cover it up. So anyway, fast forward a few months. I had, you know, done all the bride things, got in my dress.

And at this point, I had kind of come to the conclusion that my dad wasn't going to be able to walk me down the aisle. He wasn't able to walk very well. And he had been moved to a different nursing home at this point. And his health was starting to decline. Also, because of COVID, we really got to see him, which it seemed like every time we saw him, he would just like rapidly lose weight, rapidly forget things. and then it was, you know, even worse. So he was okay, though, like compared to what we went through with my mom, which I'll get into.

I would say his journey was a lot more smooth than hers. And it was pretty drawn out, right? Yeah, yeah. So how long total did he? So he was diagnosed probably when I was 13, I want to say, and he, died when I was 22. Okay. So like nine years.

Okay. Which they kind of, they projected that. So they let us come and see him like maybe once a week, which isn't a lot. And we went in, I can't remember. We had gone in. So the first time that I was actually able to hug my dad again, it was just like nothing. nothing but tears from everybody. Like my mom was crying. I was crying. And my dad was crying. That's another thing with Alzheimer's is like they become very emotional in ways that they

probably weren't emotional before. Like my dad was not always like a huge cryer. Like he would shed some tears here and there. But he just was crying. And I just remember being like the sweetest thing. Because although he had forgotten a lot and probably didn't know what had happened like the months before of him being alone in there. It's like he almost knew that we had reunited as well. And so that was really like bittersweet. It was all tears. It was like you guys reunited. Yeah. So it was all tears. I continued wedding planning and we planned on getting married in September of 2021. So we had like a nine month proposal and then we got married nine months later. And at my wedding, my mom was just all over the place, like just super scatterbrained and it just

didn't seem very happy. She walked me down the aisle, which was, you know, great. I would have loved to have had my dad do it, but luckily I had her to do it. And at the ceremony, everything went okay. and then, you know, after the ceremony, you go take your pictures and then you go to your reception and, you know, party it up. So I, like, we go take our pictures, just Stephen and I. And then we go back, like, they, you know, they do like the reception entrance thing. So we did that. And then I was going to have my first dance with my mom. And I was like, okay, something's off with this woman.

Like, there's something wrong. And she had, um, she'd like gotten up and they were like my sister said she's very weak so don't dance like super hard like just be really easy with her and I'm thinking like what what happened nobody had told me that she had passed out after the ceremony and like somebody had caught her because she hadn't ate all day um because at this point she was like forgetting to eat and forgetting to drink and we still hadn't caught on to that because we were so concerned about my dad and so um We did our first dance and it was cut short because I was like, she doesn't need to be standing up right now. Yeah.

She left the wedding early. And I was just super concerned about her after that. So fast forward a couple months. Actually, that was in September. In October slash November, I had gone to see my dad by myself. And I typically never went by myself because I was afraid because it was just emotional and it was a long drive to see him. And so, but this day I was like, I'm going to go by myself. I can tough it out. And I went out there and I walked in his room and I couldn't wake him up. He was just like laying there limp and I could tell

he wasn't dead, but I couldn't get him to wake up. And I didn't want to startle him and like talk loud. And as he's like laying there, I'm just like looking at him. And I had seen like when people die or when they're getting close to dying, they start to, like, carry weight differently. And so, um, like, you'll, you'll see that like when they start to, like, lose weight, if they're, like, laying back, their face is just so much more, like, sunk in. And I noticed that. And I was like, this is terrifying. So I called my sister and I was like, I can't get dad to wake up. Can, like, somebody send out hospice? Because he was, he was on hospice at this point. And, um, hospice came out. And I swear to God. She walks in the room and she's like, hey, Asa, and he just perks up. And I was like, okay,

all right. Guess I didn't say it, right? Yeah, I was like, okay, well, thanks for that. You scared me. His vitals were not looking good. But that was like to be expected, you know, when someone's dying. So he kind of had like a little bit of a comeback, which is something that happens quite often before someone dies is they have like, I don't remember what what people in hospice actually call it, but it's like they're like little last hurrah. Yeah. And my sister had gone and seen him. And he had been talking that like his sister was there and she died many years ago and that he had seen a sister and that his dad came and visited him. His mom came and visited him. and was just telling my sister all of these things.

And we're like, no, they didn't. Like, they didn't come here physically, at least. And so he just, he kind of had like a little hurrah. He was able to like get up and sit in his chair that day. And he took a picture that day. And like, I think that that was kind of like his last moment of, I don't know, being there. So then a couple weeks, a couple weeks go by. and Stephen had texted me and he's like, hey, we're meeting at your moms tonight. I'm going to pick

you up and then we'll go straight there. And I was like, I know something else is up. So I like walk in and I'm like, okay, I'm like, dad's dying, isn't he? And they were like, yeah, they're like within like the next week. And I was like, okay. And you can spend all of your time preparing for somebody to die and it is not going to prepare you a single bit. Like, I had spent nine years preparing for my dad to die, mentally preparing for that. And it was nothing like how I could have ever imagined. I felt things that I never thought I would, like, feel afterwards. We had, I had taken off of work to try to be there with him.

And I don't know if, like, anybody's triggered by, like, death, but this might be the part where you might want to skip just because it's like, I don't know, it's kind of graphic. When someone is like actively dying before they're given medicine to relax them, like the body does really weird things and it will, it'll move. It will like, like he was moaning and groaning because he was in such pain because his body's dying. And I don't think like anything can ever prepare you to see that. And they came in and they gave him, when someone's on hospice and they were a veteran,

they'll do like a special ceremony thanking them for their service. And they get like an American flag blanket and then like an actual American flag that's like folded all nicely and everything. And they came in and did that. And that was like the last time that we saw him kind of coherent like the nurse came in. And she was like, hi, Asa. and like smiled at him and he like looked up and he like between him moaning and groaning and um doing like weird faces and everything he kind of like lightly smiled and um he just like from there

it was just um him just moaning and groaning and then we finally were able to give them get them to give him morphine to calm down um and that's when things became really comfortable for him and they moved him to the VA hospital because they could provide better care there. And we went and we saw him. I took my mom and we went and we saw him. And the color that like someone's faces before they pass is like something like I'll never get out of my head. It's just like dealing with the death is just something that I don't think I'll ever be able to get over. Yeah. That picture is like going to be ingrained in my head for forever. He, so we had gone and seen him on an

evening and my mom was just like so emotional. She couldn't really handle it. She's like, let's just go. Let's just go. And so I think like that night I had told him, you know, if this is your night that you're going to go, I love you. Like I tried to like thank him for everything because they say that in that time they can still hear. So you'll just like want to talk to them like they're still there. And I'm like, I will be back tomorrow if you're still here. So he left or he didn't leave. I left. And my, the next day I had to go to work. And because of course, here in America, you can't just, I don't know. Like it's crazy how like when someone's dying, like your job is still like, okay, like, yeah, we still need you here.

It's like, what the hell? So I go into work and my sister's called me like a couple hours into my shift. And they were like, hey, you're going to want to come down here. Like, they're thinking within the next couple hours. And so I go down there and he had, I could tell like the look on his face had changed. And like when someone is dying, like I said, they'll start to like, their face will start to change. and like their mouth will drop open because their body's trying to get like all the oxygen that they can get. And then also there's something that nobody ever prepared me for. It's called the death rattle.

And it's when someone's dying and it's the sound that their lungs are making. And it's like a gurgling, loud breathing. It's really traumatic. Like it's very jarring to hear. And, um, I just remember like going in the room and just feeling absolutely sick to my stomach by that sound. Because you never, it sounds uncomfortable. Hospice is very like, they're very firm on the idea that like they're not feeling the pain at all because he's under so much like morphine. He can't feel anything. But it sounds very scary. And so my sisters, they actually, they had their own business at this time and they had to leave.

and they had said their final goodbyes. And at this point, Butch had come and said his final goodbye, which I was glad that he was able to do, even though I don't get along with him well. I wanted that for him. And within him being there and me being there, he passed within like three hours. And when he was passing, we were all just sitting there quietly. It was around Christmas time. so we were playing Christmas music. He loved Christmas music. And at one point, he, we, I heard something

gurgly, which was his breathing, but I heard it, like, it was even more so gurgly. And he started, like, choking up blood. And I ran out of the room. I didn't know what to do. Like, I, that was just my first instinct was to, like, run out of the room. And I got, like, a nurse. And I told them what was happening and they run in and Stephen takes my mom out to the hallway as well. And they like shut the curtain and then they come back like, I swear to God, they come back to like open the curtain up and he was gone. Like his face had just completely changed. When someone passes, their face sometimes can be like purplish red before because there's

so much blood pumping to try to keep them alive. And then when that blood releases, Their face just turns like gray, like ghost white. And they said, you know, the nurse, like, kind of put her hand on my shoulder. And she was like, okay, sweetie, she's like, you've probably got like 30 seconds until he takes his last breath. And he's just like kind of barely breathing. And they're like these like loud like breaths. And it's not like normal breathing.

And so we're just kind of talking to him and my mom's talking to him and like rubbing his head. and his eyes were closed for all of this. It just looked like he was sleeping. And yeah, that was it. He just, he passed at like 3.45 on like a Thursday afternoon. And we set up, you know, we already had like made sure that like funeral home and everything was set up. Typically for the VA, they do like a walkout where they'll play like trumpets and honor the veterans. But since it was. COVID, we couldn't be there for it. So that was kind of frustrating, but I understand why we couldn't. And then that night, I just spent the rest of the night with my mom. And it almost felt as bad as it sounds like a breath of fresh air that he was finally at peace and not struggling anymore.

And like, no part of me wanted him back because I had seen him so sick for someone. so long that it was like I I you didn't want to see him like that anymore right and after seeing him in such a like six state it was like nope it's okay like he's at peace now um his mom died from the same thing so I mean he had seen his mom go through it and it was like okay like this is this is enough um and I missed him I missed him a whole lot but I was also so happy to see him at So it was like a breath of fresh air. And during this whole thing, I remember I had said to my mom, I'm so afraid to like lose you because I knew that if I lost her, then I had nothing. And she kept promising like, I'm not going anywhere. And of course I know that like the inevitable.

But that kind of gave me hope. And I almost like I felt her slipping as as well. So but just in a different way. So I kind of counted on her saying, you know, I'm not going anywhere. And we had his celebration of life when he worked, when he was younger, he worked for a railroad. And we actually had his celebration of life at like an old railroad depot and just kind of like symbolizing, you know, what he used to do. And he. He, he. And he. And he. we um like during it there was like this train that just randomly went by and like went like this and it was just like we feel like that was him you know like a sign yeah like that was a sign from him that he was there so fast forward a couple months I go to therapy I start going to therapy

because I'm like I need to fix you know what's going on in my head and God bless my therapist I've been going to her for over two years now, and she has, like, saved my life, I swear. And we start noticing that my mom is, like, starting to go downhill. She's complaining of, like, a lot of shoulder pain, complaining of just, like, discomfort. So we take her to the chiropractor, and we take her to the doctor. And they're all just saying, you know, old age, because she's approaching 80. So old age, you know, they get lots of pains and stuff. And so at one point, though, she gets a call.

Well, my sister gets a call in the middle of the night. And my mom is like on the other end of the line and she's like, Ray, I am at the VA downtown. It's one in the morning. She's like, I'm at the VA downtown. They won't let me leave. There's other people here. She's like, I need you to come pick me up. And my sister's like, what?

And she's like, I need you to come get me right now. And Ray was like, you're calling me from your house phone. And she was like, yeah, she's like, there's other people here, though. And she was like, can you hand the phone to the other people? And my mom, like, my sister heard my mom go, will you talk to her? Will you talk to her? Like she heard the phone distance. And like my mom's saying, will you talk?

to her. And my sister's like, I'll be there like in like 10 minutes. Just like I'll head over there right now. And so my mom, oh, my sister gets there and my mom walks in and my mom is dressed. It's like in the middle of the night. She is dressed head to toe, ready to go. She has her purse. And my mom's like, do you, you don't see the other people, do you? And my sister's like, no. And she was like, like, okay. She's like, because there were other people here. And my sister was like, I don't see anybody, Mom. I'm sorry. And I think that my sister stayed with her until she fell back asleep. And we were all kind of like, what the hell was that? So then I want to say it was the next night. My sister gets a call middle of the night. My mom's like, Ray, I am stuck in a meat locker. I need you to come pick me up.

And my mom's like, or my sister's like, you're, you called me from your house phone. And she was like, no, I am in a meat locker. I need you to come pick me up. And my mom was like, I think in tears at this one. Like she was very upset. My sister could hear that over the phone. And she heads over to my mom's house again. And my mom had like one shoe on and like the remotes on that.

Like there's just things that are just like out of place. and I think she was crying and she was scared. Like she was like, I'm scared. I don't know where I am. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know. Like, she just didn't know anything. So I said to her then stayed with her again.

And then we were taking, so at this point, everything happened so fast. I swear to God, it happened within like a week. And we were taking shifts of like, who's going to spend eight hours with her here so that she didn't have any time alone? And so we're trying to figure out what home are we going to get her into because she cannot live at home by herself. So at this point, did you guys take her, did she go to like a doctor or anything? Did you guys know what was going on? So we had taken her to the emergency room at one point.

And the emergency room did a scan on her brain and they said everything was clear. She wasn't showing any signs of dementia. We thought she was having a psychotic break. Like we thought because she's had mental health issues in the past that were just like never dealt with before. and we thought that this is what was happening again. And so she, the doctor's cleared her. They're like, yeah, we don't find anything wrong. I had taken her to her personal doctor.

And I was like, you know, I'm concerned she's starting to show signs of Alzheimer's. And he's like, oh, no, she's fine. Like, she's still got life in her. Like, she's so healthy, which was just so dismissive. I think that he definitely should have taken another look. but also there's not there's not much of a way to like detect Alzheimer's unless you take an actual scan of the brain which they did and they didn't find anything okay so um they start to um my sisters are you know we're switching off and everything and this is happening every night with her yes happening

every night she's thinking she's somewhere different yep and um she was left alone for, I want to say, two hours. I had left her house and she was sleeping. And so then my other sister was heading over in like two hours. And at this point, it was getting exhausting. Like, I don't want to complain, but it was getting exhausting. Because we're around the clock trying to like, okay, what's going on with mom? Where is she at today?

In between your own lives. Yes. So one of my sisters was on the way to go see my mom. And they get a call from the police. And the police called and they were like, hey, are you Wanda King's daughter? And she was like, yes, why? And she was like, the police, they said, you know, we're at her house right now. And she's really confused.

And, you know, there's nobody here taking care of her. And my sister was like, well, I'm on the way. Like, hold up. I'll be there in five minutes. And so my sister pulls up to the house and the police like comes up to the window. And he was like, your mom has no idea what's going on. Someone needs to be here with her. Like, how dare you, like, leave her by herself and blah, blah, blah.

And my sister was like, okay, this is only been happening a week. We are trying to get things situated. Getting somebody into a nursing home, let alone like a memory care place. Yeah. That takes time. Also, there's not a lot of spots open because everybody becomes old at one point. So the cop was just like a total asshole. And it's like, okay, we're like literally trying, but thanks.

And my mom had called 911 and said that she was stuck in a campground. And she was like literally in her closet in her living room. And like she was just picturing all of this. And so that was really that kind of was like the wake up call. And luckily my sister's husband. his sister is a nurse and she's done like home nursing and stuff and she was like switching from one career to another at that point so she had some time off and we paid her to just stay with my mom during the night so that we could get sleep during the night and that you know we could be there

during the day and so we stayed with her for a couple nights I want to say within a week and a half we had moved her into assisted living and assisted living is like you know, the person is still like, they basically like live on their own. She had her own little kitchenette. She had her own bathroom. She had her own living room. She had her own bedroom. She could come and go from like the community areas as she pleased.

And we move her in. We move all of her stuff in. And not all of it because she went from a house like a small apartment. But we moved in the stuff that meant something to her. And she was moved out the next day into. memory care because that night she had some sort of psychotic break and my sister had stayed with her all night all night she was there with her all day for moving and then was with her all night again and um my mom was like asking for knives she was she was asking for guns she was asking for

anything to hurt herself with and um she my sister had a video of her um She had like a heating pad on the back of her couch. And she like, there's like a little control on the heating pad. She had taken the control and like was speaking into it like it was a phone. Like she was doing all of these crazy things. And we were like, seriously, what the hell is going on here? And so the home agreed that she needed to be in memory care. Luckily, they had just had a room open up over there.

So the memory care unit is a unit that in this one there were like eight to ten patients. and it's a locked facility. So the doors are always locked so nobody can get out, nobody can get in, unless you have a thob. So we had moved her in there. And they recommended us not see her for a week to see if she can adjust. Because just like with my dad, if one of us were to show up, she would be like, when are you taking me home? You know, like, where's, like, why can't I go home? Like, what am I going home like this isn't my home type of thing and as bad as it sounds it was like it was kind of nice to have a little bit of a break after all of that chaos with her because we were also tired especially mentally tired because it's like we are just grieving the loss of dad and now and how far

apart was like when did this start happening my dad died in December and this happened in March Okay. So three months, which is like I couldn't even get into the actual grief of my dad with my therapist until my mom started. And I just was in disbelief. And I was like, how could this happen? Like this poor woman, she just spent the last nine years taking care of my dad. And now she's losing her mind. And like, how was that fair? Because like I had this intention of once dad, passes, like, I'll have my mom and we can go out and do things that she couldn't do when she was having to take care of my dad around the clock. And, you know, we'll get to spoil her now. And we didn't have that opportunity with her. So she started, she started kind of like adjusting to the home. And then I wouldn't say she liked it, but like I think she knew it was her home. She started liking being around the other old ladies. There were some old ladies. There were some old that she did not like there.

There was this one old lady who had like a really raspy, like high-pitched voice. And I remember my mom absolutely hated any time. Like she would open her mouth. Like she would look at all of us and she'd be like, ugh. And it was just the funniest thing. I'm watching some of the old ladies just go back and forth and like argue with each other. It's like, oh my God. Yes.

And so just to like break it down. because my mom's like her her dementia was so chaotic. We didn't know what kind of dementia it was at first. So she did not have Alzheimer's. She had what is called Louis Body dementia, which is what Robin Williams had when he killed himself. I watched a certain documentary that was I think it was maybe on Amazon of him and his struggles. And a lot of the things that he talked about or that they talked about for him was exactly what my mom was going through. And how it's such a, the disease can cause such paranoia, hallucinations, delusions.

She would pack up her room every day. Like she was leaving. She would just pack all of her shit. And we would walk in and she'd be like, all right, like, let's go. And we're like, oh, no, like, we would have to go through this with her every single day. The, no, we can't leave. This is your home. You're safe here.

And then it would typically end up with her, like, sobbing in tears and getting so frustrated. And that went on. So she was officially in there in April. And that went on until she died June the next year. So a little over a year. She had lost a lot of weight at this point. and she's always been a little bit heavier set. Like, that's just how her body has always been.

And seeing her transform from that to this little tiny, skinny thing where her, like, her clothes were just, like, literally falling off of her was really shocking to see. She also, she also was convinced that I had a baby, which I've never been pregnant. I don't have any kids. she would always ask about like my baby boy she was convinced that I had like a boy and I just had to go along with it um that's like one of the things that they tell you when you're dealing with somebody with that type of illness like don't argue with them just go along with it because if I were to argue it can kind of like agitate her and be like how did I not know you know and what's the point

yeah so I just like kind of went along with it and I was like oh he's okay and um At this point, so a few months before that, we had actually taken in her dog because she wasn't able to take care of him anymore. So I don't know if she kind of got that confused because that was her baby. When I tell you, she cooked and fed him three meals a day, she did. He was 31 pounds. And now he's 24. He was 22 pounds when she got him. So she really put on that weight.

He was eating good. He was eating so good. And now he probably hates me because, you know, he eats kibbles with me. I don't cook him three meals a day. But, yeah, he was eating good. And so she always asked about my baby and then she would ask, how's buddy doing? And that was really hard because I was kind of like wondering, like, is this a sign that I should have kids? And then it was also starting to hit me that my mom would never be around for me to have kids.

Like most people, when they look forward to having kids, they look forward to like their parents holding their kids. And reality started to hit me that like, I'm never going to have that. And that's terrifying. So months went on and it was just the same old thing. She would try to break out of there every single day. They had a fence outside that, you know, they had like a little garden area that they could go sit. And she would try to pick at the metal fence like she was going to get out. There were times where she would become so agitated that she would hit the nurses, which, God, I can't imagine doing their job anyway.

But it's really hard, like, because I would have to, like, apologize to them and be like, I'm so sorry. Like, that's not her. During this whole time, she does have a huge fear of Butch. She has, like, a fear that Butch is coming around and seeing her. that he's like breaking in and we had asked her a few times you know do you want him to come see you or like how would you feel if he came over and said you know said hi and she's like absolutely no I don't want anything to do with him because he had put her through so much and so we were we definitely respected those wishes of hers because if she was that scared of him like there's no point he of

course wanted to come see her. And I don't think it was for good reason. But he, he would say, like, you know, why can't you, why can't you like, let me see my mom? Like, that's my mom too. And we're like, because she doesn't want to see you. Like, point blank, she's scared of you. I mean, he was the one that drew the line. So he really struggled with that. So as the disease progressed, I would say she was good. Up until, not good, but she was okay up until kind of like the holidays of 2020, 2022 and 2023. So we had Thanksgiving with her and Christmas with her. And knowing that that's the last holiday that you're going to have with a family member is so

hard. And did they give her a time frame too with how long they thought she would make it? No, they just were kind of like, unsure. They said, so I remember they said that Louis Badi did. mention of patients can live with it for seven years, up to seven years, average. Okay. And we think that her mind started slipping far before when we caught on. Okay.

But she was just trying to tough it out for my dad. Because there are things that, like, we think about now that were like, that was really strange. Or why didn't we catch on to her saying that? And, but when they said seven years, we were like, oh, my God, like another seven years of this. Like, not that I want her to pass, but like, She does not deserve this.

And it's hard on you guys too because you're watching someone you love deteriorate and lose their mind. Yeah. Yeah. And for my 23rd birthday, she, I remember I had gone over and I was afraid to see her because I was afraid it was to the point where like anytime I would go see her, I didn't know what I was going to get into. Because you just don't know how her mind is going to be if she's going to be in a good mood, if she's going to be mad. if she's going to be sad crying. And so I had gone and seen her and she did not know who we were that day. And like I was like, hi, mom.

And she was like, hi, mom. And she was like, hi. And like there's just like this glazed look that they get over. And anybody that has a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer's or any other sort of disease like that, they know like the look. It just doesn't look like they're there. And she didn't know who I was. and I said, hey, like, it's my birthday. And she was like, okay. And it was just like, oh, my God.

And, like, of course, like that memory that I had of not showing up to the birthday celebration that she had for me was just like in the back of my head. Because I was like, this is what I have now and that's what I had then. Like, how does that even happen? So, I'm trying to think. So in 2023, she starts to see. sleep a lot more and eat less. And we kind of like know that, you know, the time's probably coming soon. But we also thought that she was going to die sooner than what she had. So we kind of just like,

I don't know. We were just like, okay, like the time's going to come when it comes and like we'll just keep pushing it out until we get there. And we were kind of just like on the home stretch. So I want to say around like April is when we really started seeing like the deterioration. And during this time, she had been saying that dad was coming and visiting her. I remember one time I walked into her room and she was talking to someone who I thought was, you know, a person. And I like walked her on the corner and she's just talking to herself like looking at the wall. And I'm like, who are you talking to?

And she's like, oh, dad. And like points. And I was like, oh, okay. And like, I remember I had like stepped out of the room and I was like, what the hell? Like, but I'm like, if that brings her comfort, I don't know if it's a delusion. I don't know if there's something behind it. I don't know. Right.

But I was like, she seems happy. She seems comforted. So. That's all that matters. Yeah. But at the same time, she did have, she was telling my sisters that she wanted a boyfriend and that she was going to get a boyfriend in there. there were like I want to say two two men in the memory care unit but she didn't like either one of okay um but she said she wanted she wanted a tall young boyfriend and I think that she said

um she wanted him to be I want to say like oldest is 40s okay and so we were like what she wanted yeah we were like okay go off queen like sure tall handsome tall dark and handsome I think is what she said Okay. She didn't want anything serious. She just wanted something fun. And like my sister got all of this on video. And we were like, okay. It's like it's almost like in times like those you have to just enjoy and laugh with what you get.

Yes. And take it as like positive entertainment that can make you laugh. Yes. And not like it's sad that she's, you know, not who she wants was. Yeah. So laughter is like I feel like the number one thing that kind of. of helped us get through the amount of times that we just made jokes about everything um there were times where she couldn't dress herself and it was obviously obviously like she did dress herself that day

because she would put like oh my god she would put like a nightgown on as like a skirt okay so she would like just put like where up here would be around her waist and then she put a shirt over it and you know flip flaps and like we'd walk in and like we would just take a picture of what she was wearing wearing and be like, okay, like, this is the fit for today. She was never like a dress or skirt lady. All of a sudden, she loved to wear dresses and skirts or things as skirts. Like sometimes she put like a T-shirt on as a skirt. That is funny.

And we were like, this is so strange. Like, this is not like her. But that just shows like how much like their personality changes. Right. And morphs into something that like it wasn't. Yeah. Another thing was is she started to become a lot more soft. Like I mentioned earlier, like, when I was with my ex, she started to like soften up and be there for me.

My mom was always such a hard, rigid, tough person. She was not one that, like, loved hugs. So, like, I'm not somebody that likes hugs. She doesn't handle emotion well. I don't handle emotion well. And so seeing her transform into, like, this person that wanted hugs and wanted someone with her all the time was just, number one, I think like a sign, but also it was great to see that side of her because we never had that. So I think it was like the last week in May of 2023.

I started to see a decline. We all started to see a decline in her. She wasn't moving very much. She wasn't very mobile. We had to help her get out of bed. She wasn't comfortable. And at that time, because she had lost. so much weight.

We thought that like maybe her bones were just like, so when someone's getting close to dying, like they become like very like rigid. And she she just started like curling up. It's just like, you know, when older people like they just start to go like this, that's exactly what was happening with her. And she was in so much pain. And so we tried to get her comfortable. We tried, you know, we had a hospital bed in there for her so we could like adjust like

the levels on each side and make it comfortable. And there was one night, I think it was Sunday night. She had, we'd gone over and she was telling me, she's like, I'm in so much pain. And luckily, she was able to communicate with me because a lot of the times when people get to a certain point in dementia or Louis body dementia or Alzheimer's, they get this thing called aphasia, which makes them unable to communicate. Like, they lose like their speech. or speech that makes sense. So luckily she was still able to communicate. She's like, I'm in so much

pain, Natalie. Like, I don't know what to do. And I was like, what do you mean? She's like, my leg hurts. And I like look down and I take the blanket off and her left leg from like the knee down was just massive and it was purple and her foot was just huge and purple. And I was like, oh my gosh. And that happens at the end of life where they can start getting a lot of swelling in their ankles because water retention. But not like this. So I had called like the nurses in and we had to call hospice to come out and take a look at it. And come to find out, they said that her left leg was that color because her heart was pumping so much blood trying to stay alive that that's why the left side was affected like that. And I don't know how that works. I don't know like the scientifics around it.

But that night, we were able to get her some medication to kind of, like, calm her down. And she started to relax a little bit. But before she got the medication, she was super angry. And I was trying to talk to her and, like, just be there for her. I said, you know, mom, I'm getting somebody here to get you, like, an injection because we had to have hospice come out and give that. And I was, like, trying to, like, reassure her. and I was like rubbing her arm and like I remember she like looked at me and she goes Natalie would you shut the hell up and I was like okay yep I I will do that and I remember um Stephen was there with me

and he's just like sitting in the corner like what the hell and she's yelling at everybody to like stop talking she's like I'm in so much pain would everybody just shut the hell up please and like we're trying to like kind of like keep the mood light but she was in so much pain that we were kind of like maybe like maybe we'll just like actually stop talking um and so they got her an injection or some sort of medicine and she started um to relax that night and then um that was the week that she passed so days leading up to it it was just kind of like the same thing we saw the same things that we did and my dad so I was like okay like there's the breathing again um the last night that she was really coherent. I kind of like sat. I just sat with her that night. And I just like I played music and I just

sang to her. Because like when I was young, I used to do like singing competitions and dancing competitions. Like they were so proud of me for that. And so I just sat there and I sang to her. And I just remember like actually feeling like, okay, well like this is it. Like this is this is literally it. sat there played music old country music was her vibe um and that's also become my vibe i think just because i miss her and um she that night she was like can you she said can you get me some water and it was just more of like a struggled way of saying it like she just was really struggling with like speaking and at that point you don't really want to give them water because um they're so relaxed that you don't want them to, like, choke.

So we were able to put water onto, like, the sponge and just put it into her mouth. And then, like, they just suck on it. And we were giving her water that way. And that was just, that was also, like, another, like, I was like, okay, like, here we are again. Not even six. Well, no. Not even a year and a half later. Like, this is where we're at again.

And that night. I was like, okay, I love you. And that was the last thing she said to me was, I love you too. And after that, she wasn't able to talk. And I think that that was probably on a Tuesday. The next night, I went over and I spent the night there again. And we had the radio playing. And this song by Brad Paisley came on.

And it's called I'm going to miss her. And I just was like, this is my, like, this is the song right now because like he's obviously talking about love in a different way, but he's like saying I'm going to miss her. And I was like, that's exactly like how I'm going to feel. And so then the next day, hospice was like, oh, she may still have a couple weeks left in her. And we're like, what do you mean? Like, this woman is actively dying. And they're like, we've seen people, you know, like bounce back from this.

And we're like, no, like we think she's dying. So that night, we noticed like her face color had changed. And that's a big sign. And so we called hospice. And it took them forever to come in, which is really frustrating because it's like, like, what if she dies right here without, like, without anybody? And so that night she, hospice came and the lady that, God bless the hospice workers, that like they are so they're probably some of the best employees like they're right up there with like

first responders that deal with like the most ugly you know horrific things that people see um she had so she had looked mom over and she was like you know it could be the night um you know she could make it till tomorrow you never know um and so i said my goodbyes that night and we left late and I said, you know, if you want me to be here tomorrow, like, I know that you'll wait for me. Like, I'll plan on being here in the morning, but, you know, if you need to go tonight, like, that's fine. And so I left. And then that night was the worst night of sleep I've ever had, I swear. And my sister calls me at, like, 557 in the morning. And she had planned on staying there with my mom that night. And she was like, hey, she's like, I think we're in our last, our last, like, couple minutes. And I was like,

okay. And she was like, do you want to come over? And I was like, I don't know. Like, this part of me was just like, I don't know if I want to see a dead body again. Because after seeing my dad's, I was just so like, scarred from that. And I was like, I don't know. And like, I heard her last couple breaths on the phone. and she was like, okay, I think she's gone. And I was like, okay, I like laid there and Stephen was like, do you want to go? And I was like, yeah, like, let's go. So we go. And it was, although I was glad that I went, it was hard to like see her like that. And, but I didn't feel any sort of like regret that she, because she wasn't alone. Like my sister was there with her. And, and so was the nurse at the time.

And I also was just kind of like, I'm so glad that she's with my dad now. Like, neither one of them have to be in pain. But also, like, my dad's grief lasted nine years. And then I, like, this one happens so quick compared to that. I know some people, like, lose their parents or somebody super close to them within a matter of seconds. but this just felt so close or like so short in time and she um i always say too there's a different feeling you get and i speak this from experience but there's a different feeling that you get of watching someone like i said before just deteriorate in front of you and watching them go through

pain and lose parts of themselves and it's so heartbreaking to watch and to to watch someone literally become somebody that you don't even recognize in a sense, and then to lose somebody in the matter of seconds with no expectation or planning. And both of them are horrible. But they aren't really comparable. They're so different. And it's a different type of trauma, I think. Yeah. And you hold on to different types of memories when it comes to that, you know, the two different types of loss. For sure. For sure. And it's hard like juggling both griefs. Because like I can look at my dad's and it's almost like an easier one because I I had it for so long and it was more of like a breath of fresh air when he passed but I look at my moms and I'm like God I wish I would have

had more time I wish she would have had more time how did it happen so fast like it's like all those questions in your head I really struggled with um I really struggled with my faith for a while after she passed and even even when she was sick because I'm thinking how could someone like God do this and let this happen. Like, she just took care of my dad for nine years. She's had a hard life. She had to, I mean, she had to adopt me, not saying, like, I don't think she would have changed it.

Yeah. But, like, she should have had some time to enjoy life. And I know that, you know, that's, like, not my plan. That's not her plan. Like, nobody could have planned this out. But it's like, oh, my God, it's just so unfair. So I felt a lot of anger. after she died, especially like, because I found it so hard to talk to anybody about how I was feeling

because nobody my age knew what I was going through. Right. So like none of my friends could relate. And my husband was great through it all. He was so supportive and did everything for my parents and everything for me. Anything I needed, he was there. But it was so hard to talk to him about my grief because he doesn't know, he doesn't know what it's like. And I don't want to like blame him for that. He's just not at that point in his life yet.

But it's it's really hard to like try to talk to somebody about grief when they have not experienced it themselves. And I was really lucky that my therapist has actually had like experience with grief. And she's old enough to where she's gone through it herself. So she knows exactly where I'm coming from, which makes such a difference. But yeah, it was it's definitely hard. And it's not something, I thought it was something that I could just, like, get over with. Like, oh, give me a year and I'll be fine. But, like, I think it's something that is like people deal with for their whole life. Oh, for sure.

It's something that always lingers. I think every day gets a little bit easier to understand and to get through. But it's not something that you're ever, like, fully, I think, healed from or you look back and you're like, yeah, it's not a memory that you're like, oh, that happened. And it's in the past. It's a part of your journey and it's a part of your life. Did you find that having your sisters, like have them going through it with you? Did you feel like that kind of helped to feel like they were a support system in the grief? Yeah, during it for sure because it was nice to like have them to rely on.

And, you know, if one day I was like, man, I don't think I can mentally take visiting mom today. Because there were days like that where it was like, it's just too much. Right. I would say, you know, I don't think I can do it. my sister would be like, okay, I'll go instead. So we definitely had each other. Now, when it comes to talking about grief with them, it is hard. We all handle our pain like a little bit differently. One of them is like super vocal about it. And then the other one is just very, I feel like she handles all of her pain in here. I think I'm kind of like somewhere in the middle maybe.

So it makes it more difficult. It does. And it also makes it difficult because they're at the age where it's normal to lose your parents. So like not saying that it's any less of a loss for them, but they had 30 more years with them than I did. And so I kind of like, I don't know. At first I was kind of like I felt like I was kind of like cut short and given like the short end of the stick because I only had a couple years, well, not a couple years, but I only had a few years with them.

But also I know on like the other side of things, if they wouldn't have adopted me, I don't know what my life would have been like without them. So yeah. Yeah. And I think like we said too, that's the only way that you can look at things like that is looking at the positives and the good times. And even in the times when their health started to kind of go downhill, looking at it and being joyful and laughing at the things that you can laugh at. And I think it's so amazing that you were able to be there as much as you were. And like I said, that your husband was able to meet them.

And because I think even if somebody can't fully understand grief, at least he understood them from like what he met. You know, he was able to meet them. And obviously you're able to tell him of who they were even before he came around. And I think it gives him and you a different type of closeness and perspective together and within your relationship. and it's really nice that he was there with you through that. And obviously I'm so sorry for your loss of both of them.

And they were clearly amazing people. You know, like they stepped in when your parents couldn't. And I think that that speaks wonders about them. And that's incredible. And obviously it's it's heartbreaking that you didn't have more time with them. But like you said, it's also amazing that you got to, it's almost like you got to see them as parents for yourself in a way different. way because they were older. They were more experience. Like when, you know, when they had their kids,

they might have been different types of parents. So, you know, as we get older, we learn more. We have more experience. We change. So I feel like you probably got the best of them when you had them. And I think that's incredible. And obviously, you're the woman you are today because of the people that raised you. And that's the only way that you can look at it. And obviously it, like I said, I can't express it enough. It's so sad and hard to watch somebody. But like, you know, both your parents just go downhill like that mentally and lose themselves. But I think that you really serve the purpose of holding it together and you're, you know, everybody else that was present, you all kind of just held it together and made it work until it was their time. Yeah. So,

and that's all you really can do. Yeah. And then speak about it because there are so many people, you know, I'm sure older people that go through that with their parents or even younger people that go through it with their grandparents. And it's a difficult thing to watch. And, you know, And so I think it's amazing that you wanted to speak about it. And you did such a good job doing so seriously, I can't thank you enough. Yes, thank you. I definitely like after they passed, I didn't know like what to do with myself. Like I knew that there was something that like I wanted to talk about.

Like I wanted to like share the story in a constructive way. I had made like a TikTok back before she had passed and like it blew up to like three million views. And I was like, okay, like it can't just stop there. Like because it's a relatable topic. Yeah. And you really did experience it in two different ways. Exactly. Like you experienced it in the long term and then really quickly and so close together.

So it's like you really have that understanding for people that are also going through it or have gone through it to relate to you and to feel like they aren't alone, which is basically what you're talking about now because you're sitting here saying, like, it was kind of hard for you to find people that could understand and relate. And then you come here and you kind of give that voice and that understanding to so many people that are listening and that have gone through something similar, which is so important. Yeah. And I think that it's becoming a lot more common, unfortunately. I work for a financial institution and the amount of death certificates that I see that say Alzheimer's dementia, Louis body dementia.

It's like, oh my God. And I immediately feel like compelled to talk to that person about, you know, like, I'm so sorry for like your loss. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Like I know exactly what it's like. But then it's also like there's like the hard conversations that I've had to have like last week at my job. some older guy I was working with him regarding paperwork for his parents and he was kind of taking over his parents bank accounts and he was like you look really young so make sure that when your parents are aging that you have all their affairs in order and I was like I wish you

would have said something I just said I think I actually just laughed because I was like I understand and this man is saying it probably out of frustration. He's probably under a lot of stress right now. But oh my God, you never know what someone has gone through. You don't. And I understand on one side of things, you could look at your response as mature. And I think it was to just laugh it off. But also going forward if that were to happen again.

I don't think I could handle it like that again. I almost feel like, and it's not even to just do like a hey, fuck you because I went through it too. But more so like, look, I understand you're frustrated, but believe it or not, even though I am young, I lost both my parents to this. So I understand. Yeah. You know what I mean? Just like, because like you said, people don't know what people are going through.

And it could actually end up turning into a great conversation that could actually maybe simmer him the fuck down. Yeah. But that's just me speaking from a, you know. Yes. No, I definitely was feeling that on the inside. But, you know, work me. I was like, ha ha. Let me just not even, let me just act like, you know, I have no idea what you're talking about.

He walked away and my coworker was like, did I, did I hear that right? And I was like, yeah, you certainly did. And then I also, I mean, I will touch on like the fact that like the first, like the first milestones after someone dies are so much harder than what like I thought they'd ever be. So like first birthday without my mom, terrible. first Christmas out of my mom. Absolutely terrible. Especially because it's almost like you know it's the first for everything. So your mind is just dwelling.

There's so much more pressure on it. And like Mother's Day was just a few days ago. And that was really hard. Luckily I kept myself busy. But it was the first one without her. And although like last year, I mean, I didn't necessarily have her, but I could still see her. Yeah. It was hard.

And I remember on Monday I went back to work. and a customer was like, how was your mother's day? And I was like, it was great. How was yours? And he's like, oh, I got to spend time with my mom. And I was like, these conversations are just like, it's so hard. And I know like there's no way to like prevent it. Right.

And I'm sure that he was just like trying to be kind and like ask about my day. But I was like, God, like, why? I mean, you just never know. I think I feel like I'm just more cautious with like starting conversations or saying certain things. because I know what it feels like to be on the flip side. And I was going to say, I think that that is another important point. And I'm glad that you mentioned because, you know, whereas we might, you know, going into these conversations or making these comments in life, we might not think twice.

I think it is important to think twice sometimes. And even it's not always what we say. It's how we say it in our wording. And, you know, there's just other ways sometimes to approach things or, you know, to maybe play it on the safer side and not always just speak what we're thinking. or make comments because we don't know where someone is or isn't in their healing journey. And it can strike a nerve. It can hurt someone's feelings. It can stick in their head and make them more upset or kind of feel a little bit set back for that day. And it's important that we all are

moving forward in our healing journey and, you know, healing from traumas and deaths and everything that we've been through. Yeah, for sure. And I think everybody has like that small trigger inside of them. So if we could just think like, you know, put yourself in somebody else's shoes. Like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't want somebody to say this to me, you know. But yeah, it's definitely, it's a hard topic to talk about too because nobody wants to talk about grief. Like grief is still like so, like, taboo. I remember like when they passed, like, especially when my mom passed, like, people were just like very like tiptoe around me. I'm like, no, just like act normal. There's that.

And then like you said, everybody handles it different. And then people don't know how to handle it or how to approach it. Exactly. And it's like some people don't want to say too much. They don't want to say not. Like then they say like not enough. And it's just this weird line. And it's almost like like you just said, I think people make it more weird because

they're thinking about it too much. But at the end of the day, if you're just a normal, sincere, empathetic person and you just, you know, give people your well wishes. Just have good intentions. Exactly. That's all you can do. And I think whether someone's your friend or just even a coworker or someone passing by, the more kind we are in life, I think the more people are just going to feel like their support around them and we live in a kinder world because that's just so important too. Yes, for sure, for sure.