We're All Insane - Lost 8-Month-Old Baby in House Fire

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

In this emotional and heart-wrenching video, we share the devastating story of a mother who experienced the unimaginable loss of her 8-month-old baby in a tragic house fire. This video aims to honor the memory of the child and raise awareness about fire safety and prevention measures to help other families avoid such tragedies. Christy's Links: TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@froooooog444?_t=8mO2OdvGIAx&_r=1 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/froooooog444?igsh=dzdlOXJnbmNncnNi&utm_source=qr The Owen Project: https://www.facebook.com/share/KmoKK4D6sdae6RBK/?mibextid=LQQJ4d If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Business Inquiries please contact: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. My name's Christy. Hi. Hi. I lost my eight-month-old son in a house fire almost two years ago. go. So I want to preface by saying that I'm not trying to speak bad on anyone. Hi. Hi, Blue.

I'm not trying to speak bad on anyone. I'm just trying to tell my story and, you know, people kind of come in and out and intertwine in it. And, you know, it is what it is at this point. So I want to start by kind of like where. I was at before I had my son. I was a single mom. I had a seven-year-old. And at that point in time, I was a single mom for like two or three years. So I was living on my own. I was doing my own thing. I had just moved into this small little two-bedroom house, right? I was trying to be as good

a mom as I could because like being a same mom is hard it really is hard and I had kind of decided at that point in time like I'm not having any more kids like it's too hard um especially with my son's dad we had a very tumultuous relationship but we're I mean we're good now obviously but we just didn't work out um so I was kind of doing my own thing I was working I was making sure my son had everything thing that he needs and I got lonely. So as everyone does, I go to Tinder, right? So I end up matching with this guy and we talk for a while and, you know, I think he's funny and greater, you know, that's neither here nor there. But he comes over. I meet him. He's super drunk, right? And on the first day.

Yeah. So I'm like, you know, it is what it is. Like, you're just meeting me. Like, I don't know who you are. So it's just like, oh, that sounds bad. Like. What was kind of bad? I'm like, I had this random dude come where.

I don't even, I barely know who he is. I mean, like, okay. To each their own. Yeah. I'm not judging. Yeah. So we hook up, right? And I didn't really think anything of it.

And then I was like, okay, maybe you're something. We started talking a little bit and we end up dating. And not too long after that, I found out I was pregnant. Like how soon after? It was like, I think we were like only a couple weeks into the relationship. Okay. Yeah. So I was like, uh-uh, ain't no way.

And I had just lost a lot of weight too. So I was like feeling so good about myself and then I got pregnant, you know. So I was like, I'm pregnant. And he was like, really. I was like, yeah. And so we continue to date, right? And I just started seeing things about him that I just didn't really like. Like he had a two-year-old that he would take care of. But like he was in a house that was like really gross. Like he was. Like, he was. Like, he was. Like, he was. Like, he. He was living with someone. And he drank excessively. Yeah, like this was just like supposed to be something you were hooking up with, not having kids with. Right, exactly. And like, he didn't really have a good job.

And like I just started seeing like red flag. So I was like, you know. And I was still considering my options. Like, I was like, do I want to get an abortion? Like, do I really want to do this again by myself? because obviously he wasn't going to be there. He wasn't going to help me, right? So I was like, I ultimately decided not to have an abortion.

And not that I'm not against abortion at all. Like I'm definitely pro-choice for sure. But I kind of looked up the procedure and I was like, yeah, I don't want to put my body through that. You know, so, and I know my mom would absolutely disown me if I did that. So I decided to keep the baby. And I remember telling my parents I was so, so nervous and so worried about telling them. I had taken like six tests. And you know how I found out I was pregnant?

I was driving down the road. I was only like one day late on my period. I was driving down the road. And I passed a dollar general and I was just like, I got this feeling. Really? Yeah. You just knew. I just knew.

And like I turned around and I got two pregnancy tests. I took them home and I took them. And I was like, no way. Absolutely not. So I took more and I got all the pregnancy tests and I put them in a bag. And I took them to my mom's house. And she knew right away. Like I went to tell them.

I was like, you guys need to sit down. And she's just like, what's going on? Like, are you pregnant? And I was like, dang, just like, give me a minute to tell you, you know. Let me open the bag. Yeah. So I told him I was pregnant. And at that point in time, oh, so I need to kind of like reverse.

My oldest son, his name is Noah. Noah's dad lives five hours away from where I'm at in Birmingham, Alabama, because I live in Mississippi. So my parents were helping me watch my son while I work. I'm a nurse aide and I work three to 11. So they were helping me with him. They would keep him while I work. So they were already basically co-parenting with me. So their first thing was like, so now we're going to have to help you with this one too.

And, you know, the thing about my family is like we're definitely, we support. each other no matter what, period. And I feel like some people don't really have that luxury, and I'm very, very happy to have that for sure. And we're always there for each other. And I kind of, I hold guilt with that also because I put this quote unquote burden on my parents, you know because i chose dads that like choose not to be involved you know like every day and not saying no his dad isn't involved because he is you know but there's only so much you can do from five hours away you know so it's not like an everyday situation situation yes family it's not what everyone else has you know but don't feel like that because everybody else doesn't have it oh yeah for sure

And I'm not being negative because there are definitely good relationships and good families, but sometimes, too, the ones that look like they have it all, they really don't behind this. Oh, yeah. And everyone's different on social media too. Yes. So. Right.

Yeah. So I go through this pregnancy, right? And I choose not to have my baby's dad involved. I was like. Yeah. How was the relationship with you too after you told them that you were pregnant? Yeah, so, okay, I tried to make it work, right? And then like I said, I started noticing things and I was just like, do I really want this for my son?

Okay. You know, like, you're constantly drunk. You're barely holding a job. Like, I see you interact with his two-year-old. Like, I remember. And I like, I don't want to throw him under the bus. I really don't. Like, I know that addiction is kind of a disease, you know?

It's just. You just didn't want it to repeat. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. So like I went over to his house one time. He had his two year old and he was two at the time. I don't even know how old he is now. But I remember him like not even having a sippy cup for him.

Like he had just like a water bottle and he like poked a hole in the top of it. It was just like his kid was drinking out of that. And I was like you can't even afford to get your kid a sippy cup. Yeah. But you can afford all this alcohol. Okay. Right. and he drove a car that didn't even have AC

like he was an avid smoker and like he would smoke in his car and I was like I can't put my kid through this. Did he want to be involved? He did. I will give him that like he definitely is right or die for his kids but he doesn't really see them that much. So I was like like if you can get clean and you can show me then I would be happy to have you involved but other than that I really don't think this is a good idea. And like we were dating at the at the same time.

You know, so like it was kind of me being like, I don't want you involved, but also I don't want to be with you as well. Like I think I deserve a lot more than that because I mean also it kind of felt suss because he was at my house all the time and like I had a working car and like a good living. and I was just like, there's obviously something you want here because he started complaining about the place he was living. And you know how people like kind of start complaining about things to kind of make you feel like, is there anything I can do? I feel like he was doing that. And I was like, I'm not trying to support someone or have anyone live with me.

Right. You know, and I definitely don't want a random dude in my house with my son, Like especially someone I just met and we had only been dating for like a couple of months at that point. And like no one wants to rush anything, you know. So I was like, I'm breaking up with you. I don't want you involved unless you can tell me otherwise. And, you know, if you're clean, cool, like you can be around. Like, I'm not going to keep you from your son that way.

But other than that, like, you got to go. You know, he wasn't happy about that. And, you know, it is what it is. And I just kind of went through the pregnancy by myself. Like I did all the appointments by myself, except the one where I found out he was a boy. My sister went to that one. And we heard the heartbeat for the first time. And I think as a mom, like, that's the most magical moment.

It also makes it, like, super real for you, too. So I was looking at that screen and like I was watching his heartbeat and I was just like, am I really doing this? Like we're doing this, right? So I go through this pregnancy with my oldest, you know, like taking him to head start every day, waking up eight o'clock, like nauseous and just like doing my thing, work. and like at that point in time like I um well I guess I will say that did I have two jobs at the time I think I did I don't know I think at one point I did have two jobs while I was pregnant um

but that's neither here nor there so I was working a lot I was kind of stressing out because I was like how am I going to do this? It's a lot yeah it is a lot. Yeah it is a lot. lot. And so my pregnancy symptoms were also like really horrible. I was super nauseous. See, you know how they say that you have one kid and that kid's really good so you want another one? Like my pregnancy with Noah was like super great. Like I barely was sick. I like, I was able to work the whole time with no problems. My only problem was like he kind of sat on my bladder and it was just a lot of pressure but other than that like physical symptoms or like and also I had really hard had really bad heartburn as well

because like my son just had a lot of hair and both of them then so that was like my main thing with my youngest I had a really bad heartburn I was like super nauseous I've super tired of sleeping all the time and like trying to do that and having a son that I have to wake up every day and take to school. It's just like it's so, so hard, but I did it, you know. So fast forward one day I'm getting ready for work, right? And I'm not sure where my son was. I think he was at school. Yeah.

I was getting ready for work. And I go to the bathroom. and I'm like bleeding down my legs. And like, mind you, I'm like 37 weeks at this point, you know, so like not exactly full term, but if I gave birth at that point in time, it was fine. You know, so like I'm bleeding down my legs. I've never had that happen before. So I automatically was like something's wrong with my baby.

Like I call my mom. I'm screaming into the phone. I'm like, I'm bleeding. Someone please help. And like, they call. called an ambulance immediately. And I was fortunate enough to have to share our yard with my sister. Like our yards like are actually connected. Like she basically lives in my yard at this point. So like she rushes from her house. They're like knocking on the door because I had the door locked.

So like I'm like bleeding down my legs. I'm like unlocking the door letting her in. She's like trying to call me down. Like I'm like scream crying just like like like blubes. like an idiot, just like freaking out. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast. Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration,

and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week, we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to True Crime News, now wherever you get your podcast and um the ambulance comes and um i get rushed to the hospital and you know they do all the the checkups that they do like when you go to the hospital when you're pregnant like they put you on a monitor they um um urine test you and everything and like i'm in

the bed and i'm listening to my son's heartbeat and like that's probably the only thing keeping me calm at that point because he's okay. So my doctor comes in and like, well, first of all, it wasn't my doctor. It was somebody that I hadn't seen before. It was just this man in regular clothes and like he comes in and he puts his hands on his hips. He was like, so your placenta is trying to rupture. You have a blood clot in between your placenta and your uterus. So I guess you're having a baby today. And he made a point to tell me I was making Wagyu steak for my wife, but I guess I'll deliver a baby today.

Okay. Men, you know. So I'm like, no, like, this is not the way that I wanted to do it. Like, I wasn't expecting to have him at this point because, like I said, my first pregnancy it was so easy other than the fact that my placenta actually ruptured with Noah as well but I was kind of expecting it

and I had a C-section with Noah so I was expecting to have a C-section but I was expecting to plan it you know so I wasn't I was very yeah I wasn't ready like not at all and that also makes

it like super real too. I'm like, I'm going to bring this kid home and I'm going to be alone and I'm going to do this by myself. And even with Nella, like I had his dad there, but not really. And I had my parents there, but like this time I was going to do it by myself. So, you know, I was scared. I was really, really scared. Like my mom came in and I told her like, we're having a baby. And I told her like, we're having a baby. She's like, no way. And I was like, yeah. So they're prepping me for surgery. And like, they don't even have time to do the epidural. Like, they were like, we have to get him out, like, right now. Or like, it's going to be really dangerous for the both of you guys. So they take me to the OR. And my nurse, um, her name was Lindsay. Shout up to Lindsay. She was so great.

She was about to get off. It was like close to seven. Because, you know, nurses work 707 and she was like I'm not going anywhere I promise like she had already like helped me um she's like I'll go in the OR with you it's fine like we can do this we got this and I'm just like okay and um so we go into the OR they give me a spinal tap like not even time for an epidural like we're doing this right now they put the curtain up and my mom's right right right beside my head and she's like trying to calm me down and like I'm feeling the medicine at this point and like they do the C-section and next thing I know my son's crying and um funny story so when I got pregnant I immediately went into the office and signed the papers for my tubal ligation I was just like

this is not happening again like I just I'm done I'm absolutely done my doctor's was like, you sign the tubal ligation papers. I was like, yeah. So they took out my tubes and they were like, do you want to see your flupian tubes? I was like, no, I'm good. I'll pass. It's fine. So I deliver my son. He is so tiny. He's like six pounds, nine ounces. And he was just, I hear him cry. And it was the most magical moment. of my life. Like, you're just, that unconditional love that you feel when you have a kid is just amazing.

It's so great. So I have, and Owen Christopher is born, and I have Owen, they take me back to my room, and I'm like, I'm loopy. I have a video on my phone of me just feeling like, um, it's totally. out of it. Just totally drugged. So my mom and my sister are in the room with me and like we're all just kind of in awe of this like little baby. I'm doing skin to skin and breastfeeding for the first time, which is wild because I didn't do, I didn't do any of this with my oldest son. You know, so and then they leave and I'm on my own for the first time. I'm on my own for the first

night and I'm breastfeeding so he's basically cluster feeding like he's breastfeeding 24-7 and it's and like he's not sleeping and I'm not getting any sleep and it was a whole thing and um I basically had the nurses come in and out and help me and like on top of that the whatever they give me with the spinal top because I think they give you like some kind of pain medicine as well it like made me break out really bad so it's like itching super bad everywhere and I was like trying to breastfeed I was trying to sleep but I was itchy and they went and let my son sleep in the bed with me and that was the only time he would sleep you know so like I was holding him he would be asleep and I would start to doze off and a nurse would come in and be like oh no you can't do that so they would take him

away from me and like put him in the bassinet I know it's protocol call. You know, I know that's safer, but like he would wake up and I would just be like, damn. You know, I was just about to sleep. So I was like taking him out on the best net and put him back on my nipple. Like, I guess we're doing this, you know. But other than that, like, I was doing it by myself and I look back and I'm like, how did I even do that? You know, I guess it's just an instinct and um the first couple days in the hospital were rough for sure um but my mom kind of came in and out like she made me get up and take a shower and like she was kind of yelling at the nurses because they weren't changing my linens and stuff my mom's a nurse so she was very much like

she was on it she was on it you know shout out Sharon she's ride or die so um Oh, so I do, I'm in the hospital. I'm doing parenthood stuff and like taking care of my son. And I'm itching so bad that they have to give me some kind of, I looked it up later. It was like an opiate and I've never had opiates before. Mind you, I'm the kind of person like, I can't really drink or like do any kind of drugs. Like my body chemistry is just not built that way. Like it doesn't react.

well with me. Even now, like, I don't drink or do anything. My mom told me, I don't have to worry about you ever being a drug addict because, like, you couldn't hack it. And I'm like, you're probably right. So they give me this opiate. I'm in my bed, but I kid you not, the whole room is spinning. And I'm like, okay. And mind you, I'm in the hospital. Owen, dad is trying to connect with me, right? You know, all throughout my pregnancy, he was like trying to reconnect with me. And I'm just like, no. But like, I guess I was feeling some type of way when they were about to rush me into the OR. Like, I texted him and I'm like, I'm having your son. You know, like, I'm having the baby, just letting you know, like he's about to be born. And I get out of surgery.

I checked my phone. He was like, I'm on my way down. Like, what hospital are you at? And I was like, I'm here, I'm in this room, you know. So fast forward, I'm on this medicine, my bed's spinning. And I go to sleep. I remember them taking Owen out of the room in the bassinet to the nursery. And so his dad, his name, Sean, comes in. and he's pissed drunk in the hospital room and like it was just it was really disappointing and um you know

like I'm coming off the drugs they bring the baby back in and like he he holds his son for the first time and like he's just crying and he was like I don't want you to be like me like he was just like having this like I don't even know like he was just it was it was very disappointing because I was like you really couldn't be sober for this so he meets his son and he doesn't say very long and then he leaves and then I'm alone again you know and I reflecting back on it I pretty much had postpartum depression from like the start you know so And I was kind of expecting it because I had it with Noah too, but I was around people. So I really didn't have time to think about it.

But like in this hospital room alone, like not getting a lot of sleep, you know, I had, I was crying constantly. I was worried like, am I doing things right? And I was trying to breastfeed. But like also I had to supplement with formula. So I felt like a failure. I was just like I just wanted to do everything right. this time around, you know. And I like, I'm so embarrassed because I called the nurses in because I was like, I think I killed him. Like I had fed him formula, but he was full so he was asleep. But he was

waking up. And I was like, I think I killed him. Like what did I do? Like I'm freaking out. And they come in. They're like, he's just asleep. It's fine. But like, I don't know. Like I'm in. delusional, like postpartum depression, no sleep, like, you know, things. So my actual doctor comes in the next day. And this is like day three in the hospital. And he was like, so the protocol is I'm supposed to send you home tomorrow, but I think I'm going to keep you an extra day and start you on Zoloft because I know that you don't have, you know, any support at home.

and I'm really worried that you're going through postpartum depression with your history. I was like, okay, so I stay there an extra day, and I start Zoloft. And the next day, you know, we go home and it was nothing special. Like, my friend came and got me from the hospital, and she took me home, and I brought this little baby in my house, and I was alone. and recovering from C-section and, like, trying to adjust to antidepressants. And, like, I didn't even take my pain medicine because I didn't want to, like, be asleep or, like, be drugged up in the house with him, you know? And, like, my son was staying with my, my oldest son was staying with my parents at this time.

So it was just me and Owen there. And I remember, I don't even know how I did. did it, to be honest with you. Like, waking up every few hours and feeding him and like, I can sleep with him in my bed here. Like, no one's going to tell me otherwise. And I know some people will, like, feel some type of way about co-sleeping, but, you know, you know, you did it. You know, you've done it at least once, you know. So I'm at home and I'm recovering, not taking pain medicine, trying to adjust. And then I was like, Let me give your dad another chance to see if he'll get sober.

So I give him an ultimatum. I said, I want to see you get sober. So I'm going to help you. He comes to my house. He detoxes on my couch for like three days, right? So, and he helps me with my son, with our son, I should say. And I'm helping him, but I'm, I'm also taking care of our son.

Our son was like maybe like a month old at this point, you know, and like I was just kind of watching and observing and seeing like how he was acting with our son. And like I was kind of hoping that he would see this baby and be like, I want to be a better person. Like I want to be involved. I don't want to let this slip away. this opportunity to be in my son's life slip away and ultimately I did find out he was still drinking like even after he detox like I found out he was drinking again and like he ended up

calling me and telling me that he wanted to kill himself which was was great I was like you know I'm sitting here like trying to work trying to take care of our son taking care of my to son and you're like, you're telling me you want to kill yourself. Like, I don't have any resources for you. Like, you need to just help yourself. He ended up going to the psych ward at this point. And I have, I don't know, I guess I just have a personality that's just like, I can fix him. You know, and like, I felt really bad for him.

Like, so when he was in the psych ward, he was calling me and like, he, he was. calling me and like he was trying to pitch this life that we were going to have like I'm going to get out I'm going to be on medicine and you know I'm going to get my my shit together and I'm going to get a job and I'm going to take care of us and like if you if you give me a chance and I'm like okay I give you a billion chances but okay you know we'll see so ultimately that ended up not working out. He got out of the psych ward. He ended up, like, kind of abusing his psych meds and, like, still drinking. So I was like, all right, I'm done. Um, no, I'm good. You know, like, if I need anything, I'll let you know, you know. So I kind of limited it to, like, hey, I need formula. Um,

send me, like, 20 bucks. You know, that was it. you know um and at that point in time it was around the time where the formula shortage was a thing like this is the beginning of 2022 um so it was really hard to find formula and that was the whole thing you know like i had wick but like going to walmart and like seeing that there wasn't any formula on the shelves just discouraging like i do you recall a couple of times where i was like I don't, I don't, I'm on one can of formula left and I only have like half of a can left. I don't know what I'm going to do. Like, and my only option was to buy like this big can of formula that's like 60 bucks.

Like I don't have extra 60 bucks, you know. And so I was really depending on everyone around me like, mind you, my parents were supporting me, you know, doing everything that they could. they were taking Owen while I was working. And we were just, we were co-parenting, you know, my mom, ride or die. Like, she kind of adopted a parental role with Owen. And mind you, she was really like in a parental role for Noah at this point in time anyways. So like she adopted this parental role.

And, you know, she was helping me. with him and you know I was every once in a while I'd be like hey I need diapers hey I need formula you know I let him see his son like maybe one more time after that and I was like okay I'm done so we're going to go to the hard stuff now okay so I guess I would like to say like what kind of baby Owen was you know he was full of light he was wonderful he was he barely cried he just wanted to be held like he wanted to watch cocoa melon I remember I had a walker that I would put him in and like he would do everything in that walker like he he eventually started eating baby food you know like he was doing all his milestones he was a great baby

chunky that's all he wanted to do is eat and like he would follow me around the house in his little walker and like if I wasn't giving him attention he got he had these like two little teeth on the bottom and like he would bite me with them like I remember one time I was walking he was following me in his walker and like

I thought that like he was going to hug my leg and he bit me I was like really and like I ended up like picking him up like okay like here's your attention Here's your attention. I get it, you know. But other than that, like, he was really chill. And he would just want to be in his walker and watch Coca-Millan. And I recall, like, one day I got up with him and his brother was at school. Because at this point, he was writing. So, Nella was riding the bus to my mom's house at this point in time. Yeah. So,

My routine was Noah would catch the bus at my house in the morning and I would take care of Owen all day. And then I would take Owen to my mom's house and like Noah would ride the bus to my mom's house. But oh, wait, so this was a Sunday. Yeah. Because Noah was with me that day. Yeah. So, okay, I wake up in the morning with Owen and I feed him. I remember exactly what he ate that day. He ate pumpkin and peaches. They were bright orange. He was drooling everywhere. And I ended up having to give him a bath because it was just everywhere. It was like in his hair. Like I don't even know how his hair even like got drooled in it or like food or anything. It was a whole thing. So I gave him a bath. I put a new onesie on him. It was white and it had a dog on it.

I put him in his new onesie and I put him in the car seat and I got Noah ready. And I was like, okay, like, and then I got ready for work. And I was like, okay, like, let's go get in the car. I put the boys in the car and, like, I go to my mom's house and I drop them off just like any other day, you know, and I go to work. And my mom had this thing about like, usually Owen would, um, would sleep, like, in his car seat on the way to my mom's house. So I would just, like, leave him in the car seat and just kind of, like, put him to where my younger siblings can see him. So, like, he can finish his nap because, you know, babies, if they don't take their nap, like, they're cranky. So my mom had been like, don't do that.

Pick him up, put him in his bassinet. And like at this point in time, he was sleeping in like a bassinet with like a bouncer in it. So like I put him in the bouncer in this basinet. And I know that's not protocol. Moms please don't cover me. You know, everyone's different. So I had started doing that. I put him in his bass net in the bouncer.

I strapped him in. I gave him a kiss on the forehead. And I walked out of the house just like any other day. I went to work. And I start working. I'm like an hour into work. And my friend, my coworker, Nakaya, she was like, hey, do you want to go to the store with me real quick, like down the road so we can get drinks for everyone that's working. And like everyone would put

in like their little drink orders. Like we would just go down the road and get everyone like a bottle of Coke, you know. So we did that. And like we came back to the facility and because I'm a nurse aide. We came back to the facility and I get a phone call from my brother-in-law. My brother-in-law never calls me. I answered the phone. He was like, hey, your mom's house is on fire. And I was like, what? Like, you're kidding, right? Like, and I'm thinking like, maybe there was like a fire on the stove or something or like somebody like said something on fire and like it wasn't a big deal.

He was like, no, like your mom's house is on fire. Like you need you need to be there. And I was just like my heart just dropped. And I was like, okay. And like, I get the call. I hang up the phone. And I'm just like, well, I got to go. Like, I got to go.

I'm like, hysterically crying, like, boo-hoo. Boo-hoo crying. And I'm like, if anything happens to my son, I'll never forgive myself. Like, my son's there. And shout out Nakaya, because Nakaya was like, I'll take you. Like, let's go. And, like, she told the nurses that we had to go. And the whole time I'm in her.

car. I'm just like being like I will never forgive myself if something happened to my son. Like this is not real. Like I really hope that they got my sons out of this house, right? So we're like right down the road from my mom's house and I just see like black clouds coming like the smoke coming from like down the road, like in the sky, and I'm just like, great, you know. We end up pulling up. The fire department was already there. Like, my sister was there. And everyone from that neighborhood was just like in the middle of the road. And like, you know, Nakaya pulls up and stops. And like, I run out of the car. And I'm like, I go. And I'm like, where's my son? Where's my son? Like, where is he? like I see my oldest son.

Like I was kind of relieved and I was just like, where's my baby? Where's my baby? Like, and like I end up just collapsing in the grass. I think like a part of me kind of knew at that point. Like, and like I just, I started screaming. You know, like I was just in the grass screaming and like, I don't know what it is was like, like, um, like, like, for. firefighters and like police like I guess they don't want you to make a scene or like have emotions

because like they were like okay you need to like get up and come over here and like stop freaking out and I'm just like uh no yeah did you see your mom no my mom wasn't there so that day my mom was also working three to 11 okay you know so it was my dad was supposed to be home but my dad was dad has bipolar one, right? And at that point in time, he was manic. So he was out doing something, I guess, and like my younger siblings were at home. So like at that point in time, my youngest sister was 16 and my youngest brother was like 17, right? So, and like she's watched the kids before. You know, I, like, trusted her with them. Like, it was just. routine thing.

Like my dad wasn't home at that point in time. Like I thought he would be home. You know, so it was just my siblings and my mom, like I said, that day she was working 3 to 11. She wasn't, she hadn't arrived at that point. So in the house, it was just your two siblings and your two sons? Yes. Okay.

So I, uh, the, one of the firefighters ended up, like, taking me to like the back of the fire truck and like sitting me down and like trying to talk me down like because I'm hysterical you know trying to talk me down like we'll find him like it'll be okay like we're we're trying to get to your son like my and then my and then my mom ends up arriving and she's like what's going on like where's Owen like I'm like I don't know like I'm just it felt like it was like 30 minutes, but it was like maybe five minutes, like waiting, trying to like, waiting for them to like walk up with my son and in their arms. And like, all I got was like a bunch of firefighters and Gere came in and they were like, he's gone. And I ended up just like collapsing, you know, and like, I think

the world kind of stopped at that point. And like, I could see like, I could see like, like my mom crumble right before my eyes. And like my dad ended up arriving. He was collapsed in the grass, like right in front of me in my field of view. And like I ended up like telling the firefighters like, y'all need to take me to a psych ward right now. Like there's no way I can do this. Like this is just too much. And like they put me in an ambulance.

I handed my brother-in-law on my phone and I was just like call Sean. you know, tell him what's going on. So I end up going in the ambulance to the local hospital in their like, like mental holding ward, I guess, a part of the emergency department. And like, I'm just sitting in this, in this bed, just kind of staring at the wall. Like at this point, I'm just like kind of numb. And like, they offered to give me like out of van to calm me down. And I was just like, I declined it because, you know, we love a humble queen.

Like, I was just like, I know I can't take that. So I was just waiting for my mom to get there. And I was just like processing on the bed. It didn't even feel real. Like I was just like my son, my son is dead. Like he's dead. And he was at this point, he was only eight months old. you know, I was just like, I had, he had so much life ahead of him.

Like, I had, I don't, I didn't even get to know, like, what he was going to do when he grew up. Like, I never got to hear him say, like, I love you or anything. Like, and like, that's it. And, like, his life was just over in a second, you know, and it's just existential. Absolutely. my mom came into the room and like I don't like there's nothing anyone can say at that point you know so I'm waiting in this room and like I don't really know what to do and like at this point and like at this point I just kind of want to go home and meanwhile my mom asked me and she was

like do you want them to go in your house and kind of take everything like all of owen's stuff out of your house so you're not like immediately triggered when you go home and i'm like yeah so my boyfriend at the time which is like my ex-husband now my boyfriend at the time was at the house and you know he was working with my sister and like they were getting all of owen's stuff out of my house. So like I'm on my way home and my mom in my mom's car and like she ultimately takes me back to my work to get my stuff and like I walk into the building and like and it's just so surreal. Like I was just here. I was working and now I'm walking in like and I don't have a son. Like one of my sons is gone and I get my stuff.

And Akaya ended up going back to work. And she, like, asked me, like, is everything okay? I was like, no. Like, and I just get my stuff. And I leave with my mom. My mom away home. And my mom was just like, I don't even know what to do. Like, me and her were just, like, in silence the whole time.

And, like, I get back to my house. And I remember being like, where's Owen's baby blanket? And they ended up giving me Owens a baby blanket. And I try to go into the house. And like, even though I told them to take all of his stuff out, like I was still searching for his stuff. You know, I like, I go in the room and it's empty. And like, I just break down.

And I'm like searching for his things, like going through my doors. even though I like I know that they're empty. And like I ended up stumbling upon a onesie that he was wearing that, that morning, the one that I took off of him. And like it still smelled like formula. And like I just took that. I'm like I just cried. You know, just like sat in my bed and cried.

And like it was and didn't feel real at all. Like do they know what caused the fire? So we did find out later on that there was like an electrical bad wiring issue like in their garage part and like attached to the dryer. So like Owen was in the back of the house and like the garage was like right next to the back of the house. It's like The layout of this house Is like really weird So it was like

My parents' room And my parents' sitting area Where like Owen's bassinet was And then like the kitchen And then like right here is the garage So The fire was in the garage Owen was back here

In the sitting room And then everyone else was in the front of the house and, you know, I guess, like, I'm, like, I've come to terms with this, um, that like, I blamed my little sister for the longest time, like, you know, you would think in a situation like that you would get like a baby out, you know, and like she was 16, you know, she was out in the yard, like, with, the fire hose trying to put this like fire out that like was huge you know she didn't know like she called my mom and my mom thought the same thing that I did like it was just like somebody was

playing with a lighter in the house like it was just a small little fire but it wasn't you know and like I guess she couldn't I guess she didn't really think about it you know and Noah was able to move. So they all kind of like rushed out of the house and didn't think about it. So, um, yeah. It's awful. Yeah. That's so terrible.

So I'm just trying to go through like what, what is my next steps? Like I'm trying to think of like tomorrow at this point. Like the first night I didn't get any sleep. I got a bunch of phone calls from people like, is this real? Like, because I had my sister had posted on Facebook and then like I posted on Facebook, you know, like here's what's going on, you know. And I was getting phone calls from everyone. Like I didn't even sleep that night. Like I would just sleep like an hour and like wake up crying like.

and like I was like holding my son's baby blanket just like you know trying to sleep and just crying like I slept with his baby blanket for like the first week and like after that like I didn't like cuddle it but it was like in my bed with me yeah do you think your son understood what happened your older son so at the like at first he was kind of like no I don't I don't I don't think he did. I really don't. I'm going to get to that. Later on, I think he really started processing.

But at that point in time, I really don't think he understood the finality of like everything. You know, like my parents had lost all their stuff, you know, like the whole house. Like there was nothing salvageable there. You know, the fire was just so hot. I ultimately found out later on that like the firefighters gear when like when they were trying to get to Owen like it started melting because the fire was so hot. You know, so they just do I feel like they could have tried harder? Yes. You know, but it is what it is, I guess. Um, so I'm trying to figure out, like, what are my next steps?

Like, the hospital gave me a number to call. It was like an emergency line for one of the clinics. That's like a free clinic for like mental health or whatever. Like they offer free things. therapy and, you know, like psychological assistance or whatever, like they offer mental health stuff. So I call that crisis line and like they sent me up an appointment with a therapist. And I was like, there has to be some kind of grief group or like a support group I can go to, you know and I ended up finding one at a church called grief share which ended up being very culty

but I'll I'll get into that um I ended up the local news um reached out to me and wanted to get like you know they kind of saw a story you know so they reached out to me and wanted to get my side of it. So like I was doing news interviews. There's like eight interviews online. Like if you search my son's name. I did news interviews. I was trying to, I got in touch with like the local funeral home and was like trying to make arrangements. I have never done that before, you know. So I was trying to make funeral arrangements. I ended up going to grief share two days after and like I walk into the room and everyone's in a circle like sitting and I go and sit down and like they were telling like everyone was like

saying like why they were here and like their story or whatever and like they get to me and I'm just like boohoo crying like I lost my son two days ago and everyone I can hear it everyone audibly go, like, you're here? And I was like, I lost my eight-month-old son and a house fire two days ago. And like, I didn't really know what else to do. So I'm here. And, like, they were like, well, we're glad you're here. So I started doing that. I started therapy immediately. because like I really didn't know what to do. I've never been in the situation before. And that was smart of you.

Yeah. Because like I knew that mind you, I was still, I had stopped taking my antidepressants because Zoloft and me like don't get along with each other for some reason. Like I feel like my heart's about to explode when I take Zoloft. So I just stopped taking it. I was just like, I don't need it, you know. I get off antidepressants, like, and I know that I had to keep going.

Like, I have a seven-year-old. Right. I have rent. I have all this stuff. And for yourself, your own mental health too. Yeah. Yeah. For sure.

And, like, I immediately started doing all that. And I think that a part of me wanted to just kind of, like, do other things to just kind and get my mind off of it, you know? So I'm in the middle of making funeral arrangements for Owen, and in the meantime, the local police department are like trying to, I guess, like, rule out that this fire was, like, not started on purpose. And, like, why they think a 16-year-old was at a house on fire on purpose is beyond me. But, um, so they wanted to interview all this, like the fire marshal did. And like, they brought us all in the, in the local police department.

And all the while, like, I'm getting a call from the corner talking about we're going to do an autopsy on your son. And like, I'm like, they're literally like cutting my. son open right now. And I really don't want to go in here and like talk about how this fire started, you know. So we're all at the police department. And we do an interview with the fire marshal. And like all that really was was like, give me a layout of the house.

Like what do you know about it? And, you know, et cetera. They're trying to get, they're trying to find a cause, I guess. And, like, at that point in time, they didn't know about, like, the bad wiring and stuff. So, um, I was doing these interviews with the news outlets. I was, um, interviewing with the fire marshal, like, trying to upkeep my mental health stuff, going to therapy. Um, my boyfriend at the time had started a go-fund me for Owen's funeral arrangements and, like,

there was a separate go-fund me from my parents, you know, because they lost their house. So they had to find a different house. And like my, I mean, my parents, like, we all make an honest living, you know. And this is like at the peak of inflation whenever it started, you know, whenever it started getting really bad anyways. So my, like, all of the rental property is around. were like super expensive and like my parents just didn't have like money to throw at a different rental property like they were staying in um RVs like at a like a like an RV park you know it was

really sad to see like that and like hotels and like they're trying to buy clothes and do all this stuff and like it was just it was a whole thing um So they started a GoFundMe for my parents as well. And like we're all trying to share these gofunds and like raise money. And like I ended up raising enough to stay out of work for a couple months and like get Owen's funeral arrangements in order. And I ended up printing a or I ended up writing an obituary. Did you know that like you actually have to pay the paper for? for an obituary, like, to put it in there, like, they charged by the word.

So, like, it was, like, 300-something to put my son's obituary in the paper. Like, that's crazy. Yeah. So, I was doing that, and, like, at that point in time, I know that my son's dad knew what happened. Oh, well, reverse. He ended up, like, actually showing up at the hospital I was there, like, in like the psych part of it. Like, he opened the door. I thought it would have been my boyfriend at the time, but like it was him. I was like actually like quite disappointed that it was him. But like I just kind of stood up. I gave him a hug and I was like, I'm so sorry. Like,

because at that point in time, like, I failed. I failed as a parent in my head. You know, like, you, carry this kid and you're like like you carry them for nine months and then like they're safe inside of you and like you give birth to them and like your whole mission for like the first year they're alive is to keep them alive like make sure that they're okay and in my head I had failed because I took my son to my mom's house and left him there and the house connor. fire and now he's dead like I failed as a parent you know and like I carried that guilt with me for a long time and um so mine and Sean's relationship was like it was weird you know like he reached out and he was grieving in his own right and he was reaching out to me but like I got increasingly

upset with him because I was like you weren't there. Like you didn't help me with him. You didn't offer to take him. Like you didn't put yourself in a situation where you could take him, you know, and help me with him. So I was like, you don't, you don't deserve to grieve. You don't.

And I told him like, you better not try to come to the funeral because I'm not going to let you in. And I know that's like kind of harsh. But I was like, that's just how I felt at the time. So I was making the arrangements with the funeral home and we have a meeting with the guy that does it. And me and my mom did. We went and we were just like trying to do like the final details like the pamphlets and the flowers and stuff like that. So we walk into the funeral home.

and we sit in this man's office and like at this point I was just like well maybe they're able to like get his like handprints and feet prints and like maybe just like a lock of hair from him and like me and my mom are sitting at this table and like the guy comes in and he was like so we weren't able to get handprints and vanger prints like he was just really badly burned me and my mom were like just flabbergasted like we had the option to see him but we didn't want to

yeah you know so um I knew immediately that like I wanted to cremate him you know so we were talking about we were like going through this

room with like urns and caskets and and pamphlets on the wall. It was like a whole like funeral store kind of. And I was just numb the whole time. I was just like, okay, I want to do that one. I ended up like not picking it and earn. I still don't have one.

I like I can't find one that I like enough to put him in it. So he's still like in the plastic box that he came in. And like I picked out the pamphlet and like, what it had in it and like I picked out a a poem by a rupee cur or the the girl that that wrote milk and honey um I ended up like putting a poem by her in the pamphlet and um it was a beautiful poem so I did all that we signed some papers in the office and like We set up a date and like a place for the funeral and like we left. And I think a part of me hoped that Owen's dad would show up to the funeral, like at least try.

You know? And so the day of the funeral came and I got ready that day that day. I ended up, like, printing out pictures and, like, having a whole arrangement, like, around, like, you walk in this room. And it's just, there was just, like, my son's urn on a table. And that was it. Like, that box. And, like, it came in, like, a velvet bag. It was, like, purple.

And, like, it was just so lonely in there. And my mom was already there. And, like, I had showed up a little bit late. like she was almost yelling at me she's like you loved him here alone you know you left my baby here alone i'm like you know like i'm only like a couple minutes late chill so i walk in and like the flower arrangements are there and like he is there so like i'm setting up all of his um pictures like around the urn and um in my head i'm like maybe his dad will try to show up like i told him not to but like at that at this point the

the obituary had ran in the paper with like the the funeral and like what time it was and etc so i was like he must have seen it like it's on facebook too like it's public like you know there's no way that he wouldn't try because i would try as a mom like i'll like write at eye for my kid you tell me you're I'm not able to see my kid but right like I'll show up there you know so um the funeral starts and like people that I hadn't even seen for a long time like ended up up the um my boss from work showed up the owner of my company showed up which like that's like a whole thing I love my job. Like, they really do, like, appreciate me there.

And I felt kind of, I felt seen there for sure. The owner of the building came and, like, my mom's friends came. And, like, it's the hardest thing trying to write a eulogy for your kid that you thought you'd have more time with. like I think I ended up waking up one day and like I just started writing down all my thoughts and like at that point in time I didn't know that it would be my son's eulogy yeah so I just had to get it out

I ended up reading that at the funeral and I remember like just being numb and just like not believing that anything is happening because like nobody wants to have a funeral for their son

or their child and after the funeral we had a party for him and like celebration of life we had all kinds of food I got real drunk for sure I was like I don't want to feel any feelings right now

Um, so after that, like, we had a celebration of life and then, and then life starts, you know, like, you lose your loved one. You go through the steps to try to help yourself. You, you have the funeral and then, like, back to reality. Back to reality. And, like, you have to kind of live with it, right? So, like, in the meantime, I'm going to this grief group at this trip. church, right? So I start making friends with everyone there and like I have a complicated relationship with religion to begin with. You know, it was just something that's just,

I feel like in my heart, like I'm just not really a person that likes religion or like believes in religion. I've always been like really open minded and just like there's more in the universe here. You know, like, I just don't believe that someone wrote a book and it was just like something you have to live by. And like, you know, I, there was a lot of things like in my childhood and in my teenage years that happened that I was just like, there's no way that God's real because all of these bad things happened to me, you know, and like, if God was real, then the bad things, like not only to me, but like everyone else, you know, wouldn't happen. But I guess, like, it is what it is.

So I started going to this grief group at this church. And I was, like, getting to know everyone there and everyone was, like, really supportive. But, like, the way that this program works is, like, it's, like, 13 weeks. You get like a little workbook and like you watch a video and you talk about your feelings and you kind of like go home. But it's like really nice to be in a room with people that have lost someone. And like that's mainly what I came for. I didn't come for the religious part of it. Yeah, it was a support.

It was a support. Yeah. And like I had that in therapy as well. and that was kind of going and like they say when you lose someone like there's certain things that you shouldn't do like move get get married or like make really big life decisions and like I kind of did it all like I got a new car I got married to my boyfriend that was around at the time we got married we moved my parents ended up getting uh into a rental house and at that point in time like i couldn't live in this house anymore like because i had raised my son

there like i couldn't i wasn't sleeping in my bed i was sleeping in the living room on the couch like i just couldn't go in my room you know and um i found out found out later that that was actually pretty normal. So me and my boyfriend ended up moving into my mom's bonus room in this house that they were renting. Well, he's my husband now with my son. So we were all living together. I moved. I got a new car, got married, did everything I wasn't supposed to do. I ended up going back to work like two months later. So it's hard because all the elders that I take care of, they're all really excited about me being pregnant. And like everyone around, you know, was like really involved in this pregnancy. Like they, they were there to like see my belly grow

and everything. And like, it's hard stepping into a place where you know everyone, everyone. knows what happened and like everyone asking you questions about it so like it's like a constant reminder yeah yeah for sure um and i know that the elders that i take care of like they don't mean to you know yeah they're like yeah how's your baby and like most of the time i'm just like he's fine and they still ask me to the day like how's your baby like you know he's he's walking now isn't him like yeah He is. He's fine. He's great.

Because he is. So I walk into work and like, I feel like I'm a part of this group now of people that, like, in a group, I'm the girl that lost her son. Like, that's just like my label for the rest of my life. Like, I'm the girl that lost her son. and then like everyone kind of looks at me different. Found out later on this like really not the truth. It was just like my anxiety being like, hey. Yeah, your perception of it.

Yeah. So I go back to work and mind you, I'm not on meds at this point in time. Like I'm just trying to basically deal with my grief by myself and just with therapy. And this ended up being the wrong decision, you know, so I. got increasingly like sadder and irritable and like it wasn't only my grief that was causing this it was like I guess I should tell you like about my marriage and um the kind of situation I was in with my ex um he he and I it was kind of like it was kind of like a whirlwind, like, but it was also really, like, tumultuous at that, at the same time,

because, like, he was around, like, as soon as, like, I had Owen, and he was also around, like, when Owen died. So, like, I formed this trauma bond with him. So, like, everything that he did wrong or, like, everything that he said wrong or, like, every time we had a fight, like, I forgave him. because I have this bond with you now. Like, you know, you were there for me when no one else was. When I felt no one else was, but they were, you know. So, you know, he was really like, we were living with my parents and, like, he was really mean to my mom. And, like, he tried to come in between, like, me and, like, my mom's relationship.

Like, I don't know what it was about my mom. That, like, and my mom, mind you, let me get, let me set the scene. with this woman, okay? Like, she is, like, the most selfless angel to ever exist in this world. Like, if my mom doesn't like you, you earn that shit, like, straight up. My mom is, like, the most god-fearing woman, like, selfless, like, never buys herself anything, like, helps with everyone, like, buys everything. Like, make sure everyone has everything they need, like, around her.

And, like, you know, she welcomed us. into our house, like, without me even asking. She's like, you need to move out of your house so you can come and have a fresh start and, like, you can bring your husband with you. And I'm just like, okay. So we're in this house and like, I'm in a situation with like my husband and my mom. Like, I have to pick in between them because my husband doesn't like my mom. My mom doesn't like my husband. I'm trying to live peacefully among everyone. My husband's, like. like nitpicking everything. So like,

it was a whole thing and like my, my marriage was like kind of slowly falling apart and I didn't even realize it was happening. Like my husband, ex-husband has a son and he was younger. He was like two at the time. I think he's still two. I'm not sure.

But trying to be a stepmom to basically an infant while trying to grieve an infant is the hardest thing ever. And I ultimately ended up like talking to my therapist about it. And she was like, if you have to take some time like to kind of process everything and like it's okay to step back and like not try to push this relationship with this kid, you know. And I like, I know that when you marry someone, like, you just kind of take in everything. And like, but it was really hard for me to try to be a stepmom while trying to grieve my son. So, like, that ultimately, you would think a partner would be like, oh, I understand that. He didn't understand that. He automatically was on the defense about it.

He was just like, you just don't like my son. Like, you know, you just don't want me to be a dad. like he got really upset because like I wouldn't allow him to like go get his son and like bring him to the house. I mean, it wasn't only the fact that like it made me uncomfortable, but also like we were all living in one. It was like kind of a garage basically. You know, it was like maybe a little bigger than this room. You know, and like we were all in an enclosed space and like I didn't want his son to like get into things that. you know, wasn't he wasn't supposed to be in, you know, like it wasn't baby proof by any means.

And like, I was just looking out for his safety ultimately. And like, mind you, there was other solutions. Like he could go to his mom's house with his son and see his son. Like I wasn't trying to keep him from his son. But like, ultimately, his defense was, you're trying to keep me from my son. Like, you don't want me to be a dad. Learn later on. It's just very narcissistic and this was just him like gaslighting me and like being a narcissist,

making me think that it's my fault. I mean, like if you have guilt about it, like that's on you. But that's neither here nor there. So that put a strand on our marriage for sure. And like I think that's when I started noticing that he was talking to his son's mom a lot. and that plays a part of the story later on. But they had this weird relationship, and I think, like, for some reason,

like, I was growing this resentment to this kid that didn't even do anything to me. And I know that sounds horrible, but, like, I think in my head, I'm just like, why do you get to have your kid when I don't have mine, you know? And, like, I know it was wrong to just kind of like blame that on him but like I didn't really know how I was still processing

my grief like I wasn't even in the right state of mind and I'm not trying to justify me my behavior at all but um that caused a big strain on our marriage for sure so um fast forward me and my ex-husband ultimately um ended up deciding that we needed up deciding that we needed to move out of my mom's house. This was like right at the beginning of 2023. Mind you, like, we had gone through. So my son was born January 2020. So like he died September 25th, 2022. So we had to go through all the holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas. And then my son's birthday, first birthday would have been January, that following January. So like, we did all the holidays. Everyone was very, you know, it was very solemn. It was very hollow, you know.

We didn't really decorate at all for the holidays following that. The only thing we decorated was the mantle of my mom's house, you know. And like, because it had Owen's ashes and all of his pictures and all of the stuff that I used on him, like in the hospital, like his hospital bracelets. And like even to this day, like we decorate my mom's mantle for every holiday, his birthday for, I think right now he has Easter stuff on it. So like we do that for him. My mom is like a master decorator. I have nothing to do with it. Like I couldn't decorate. She handles that. Yeah. Yeah. I never got that. gene. Like I'm not a decorator that way. So it was around the beginning of 2023. We had just had

Owen's like first birthday kind of thing. And we ultimately decided that in order to kind of ease the tension between him and my mom, we needed to move out. So we were looking for rental house. and whatnot. And we ended up finding one, which was like way too much money a month. You know, but he wanted an extra bedroom for his son, which was fine. You know, kind of unnecessary because his son ended up like not even sleeping in that room. So like I look back at it and I'm just like, okay. But we ended up getting into this beautiful house.

It was really pretty with like a garage. and like super nice, a really decent size room from my son and his son. And we ended up moving in together on our own, like for the first time in this house. And everything was fine, like the first month or so. And then like everything just kind of like started crashing down because I think I was still like trying to figure out what to do with my mental health, you know, because I was crashing. At this point in time, I decided to quit grief group because they had, like, I felt like I was in a cult. I felt like it wasn't even helping me anymore. And, like, I stopped going to therapy

because my therapy, my therapist, shout out to Judy, we love you. Sorry, I stopped going to therapy, I promise, it wasn't you. But she was, like, highly religious. She, her, every time, like, I tried to mention something, like, she, it kind of went down to, like, if you believe in God, it'll go away. Like, if you put it in. And, like, that's what the grief group kind of believed, like, you just put all of your grief into God and it just goes away, you know, and, like, I didn't believe that.

Yeah. Well, you also weren't seeking out that kind of help. No. No, not at all. So, yeah, I stopped going to therapy, and I was just like, I was delusional. I was like, yeah, I'm good. I'm fixed, you know, like, I was working and, like, doing my own thing and, like, trying to pay bills and stuff and, like, trying to return to my life and, like, trying to

not exactly, like, forget about that. the fact that I lost my son, but also like trying to move on. Yeah. And like the worst way possible, it seemed. So we get into this house. And I guess like me trying to process my grief, him trying to force this relationship with his son on me caused like a big strain in our relationship. Also, he wasn't like holding a job.

And like he made me feel like the worst mom in the world. Because I was like, I have to fix all these things with my son so it'll save my relationship and my marriage. Right. You know. And like I was trying to focus on my grief too. Like I was like I was drowning. You're a lot on your plate. Yeah.

One day I had went to work and he told me that he wanted to try to get his son that weekend. And I was like, okay, that's fine. But like in my head, I was like screaming. I was just like, I can't do this. Like, you have to give me more time. Like, it's only, it's, it's only been like six, seven months at this point, you know. It hasn't been that long. And, like, I had anxiety about him getting his son that weekend, like, all week.

and I remember the day came and like he told me my son my mom went to go get my son and like he's like super sick and I was just like well then like have her like take him back home like he when a kid's sick they want their mom anyways you know and he was like

it went back to oh you don't want me to have my son and I was like to be honest if you want me to be honest I'm not ready for him to be around like that. Like you have, you have resources. You can take him to your mom's house

and spend the weekend with him. Like, your wife is basically screaming for you to be supportive in her grief journey and you're not providing the support that I need. You know, like, and he made me think that that was selfish. And I was being selfish.

and like I said, it was just like a broken record. You don't want me to be around my son. You hate my son. I don't hate your son. It's just really hard for me to be around your son at this point in time. You know, I wish you would, you know, hear me. Like, I'm trying to tell you this. Like, I'm drowning, you know.

But that day I was like, well, maybe your son should go home, you know. if he's sick and like we got into this big fight and like I'm at work like trying to work but like also getting into like a text battle with this man right so we end up he ends up breaking up with me that day and like I'm like okay I go home and I go home and his son wasn't there and I was like where's your son he's like I took him home and I'm like we had this big fight about this all day because I wanted you to take your son home and you didn't and he was like I don't know how you were going to be when you got home and I feel like you're you would be dangerous to him and I was like really so we ended up like getting into an argument it's just it was a whole thing and um

I go to go out the door and like I walk down the pathway and I want to preface this by saying I'm not super proud of my behavior in this moment. But like at that point in time, I was kind of at my darkest place in life, you know, so I just wanted to say that before I get into this, because like this is going to make me sound like I'm a psychopath, but I went back in to the house and like in the heat of the moment, like I just went into his son's room and just like picked up all his son's stuff and started throwing it. Just like, I just wanted to break everything. Like, I took out all my anger and frustration on, like, this kid's toys and stuff.

And at that point in time, I mean, do I regret it? No. It felt really good, you know? But, um, he ended up, um, getting really upset, obviously. and like he ended up pinning me against the wall by my throat and when I tried to leave the house and like at that point he had never put his hands on me and he pinned me up to the wall by my throat and said you're not fucking going anywhere you're going to stay here and like I was scared and I was like are you really about to put your hands on me right now you know and like at that moment

I was like, has my marriage become this? You know, is this, like, is this it? So, um, we end up getting into a physical altercation. He ended up like, like, shoving me into the couch and like, like, pin it, like, trying to pin me down. Like, he wanted to call the cops, rightfully so. I get it. You know, looking back, like, it could have been something that could have been resolved in a better way. But I just wanted to leave.

I wanted to go to my mom's house and like we ended up getting into a physical education. He pinned me up against the couch and then I got out from underneath him. And he ended up like pinning me against the door in the living room. And he was like, why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Like you, like, what's wrong with you? And I was just like, I don't understand why you get to have your son and I don't. And I think that's all that that came down to.

You know, you just weren't listening to me. And he let me go. I got in my car. I went to my mom's house and, like, I drove to my mom's house, sobbing. And, like, I think in that moment, like, I kind of knew my marriage was over. And I ended up completing outpatient therapy. and they what they do after that is they send you home with a bunch of referrals to different doctors and you have to like kind of call and make the appointment yourself.

And I ended up like finding a really good doctor. She ended up upping my meds and like connecting me with a psych nurse practitioner to like kind of like regulate me and stuff. and like I see her like every couple months and I see a therapist now. My son started saying things like I guess like in a way he started acting out at school.

Like we'll start with that. Like he started acting out at school. He was drawing people on fire. He was beaming to the kids at school and like I had told his teachers like his past and like whenever I put him in school, I was like, hey, you know, just letting you know, like, this happened. And so if anything happens, like, this is why, like, I'm trying to, I'm feeling everything out because, like, he was really indifferent at this point, you know. And he started acting out at school and, like, having behaviors.

and his teachers ended up contacting me and I was just like trying to find him help at this point. I was trying to get him into therapy. And it was really hard. It's really hard when you have, because he's on Medicaid. So it's hard to find places that actually like take Medicaid that aren't like really bad, you know.

and like I knew my son had behaviors and then we ended up having to move into a different house so I had to move school districts with him again so like he was with a new teacher that didn't understand what was going on and like I I couldn't find anywhere for him to go to therapy up until recently. So I put him in therapy and he started like talking about his feelings and like his therapist ultimately ended up telling me that grief comes out

and like violent acts the way that he was doing like it comes out in anger and it comes out in sadness and it comes out in all kinds of ways with children because they process differently. So I ended up getting him in a therapy and like, thank the gods for that because he is doing so much better and he's talking about his feelings.

And it's better to start that early. Yeah. Honestly. Honestly, like with everything that happened to me, like as a kid, you know, like, I really wish my parents had those resources. And like I know it was way different back then. Yeah. You know.

But I should have started therapy a long time ago. Right now I'm in a really good place and I ended up forgiving my sister for that day, my younger sister. I had a lot of resentment towards her for the longest time, you know, like kind of blaming her and like I ended up like forgiving her. And I ended up like kind of coming to terms with it. I mean, I'm not 100% over it. Yeah. But I really want to stress that, like, there are resources out there. And there's no set time frame on how long it takes us to grieve and move forward from things.

And moving forward doesn't mean you're forgetting. So. Yeah. And that's something I had to kind of cope with myself. Like, like, even when I went to go do something fun, like afterwards, I felt guilty about it because I was like, I'm not supposed to be having fun. I'm supposed to be grieving my son. Like I'm not supposed to be laughing.

I'm not supposed to be smiling. I'm not supposed to be feeling happy. Because in my head at that time, I was like, well, if I'm happy, then I'm forgetting about my son, you know? And that's not healthy. That's not healthy thinking. And so eventually I kind of got over the grief that it was like my fault. I blamed myself, you know.

There's like a million what-ifs you could think about like. Yeah, but that was your routine and that was your normal schedule. Yeah. And even if it wasn't, like life happens. And, you know, it's something that we can't beat ourselves up about the what-ifs because you weren't deliberately doing anything wrong. No, I was just, I was just trying the, like you said, like going on my normal routine. It was a normal day for me.

Yeah. You know, but in my head, I was like. like, well, what if I called out that day? What if I never brought my sons there? What if I... And if you play that game in your own head, then you're never going to be able to move forward. You're just going to keep going in circles.

Yep. And I feel like now your main priorities are yourself and your son, and you have to make the best life that you can for the both of you. Yeah. And I think it's amazing that you still honor Owen the way that you do. and you never have to stop doing that. No. It's just life's different now and you adjust and you do it in the best way that you can.

And of course, like everybody has days that are harder and that you're going to be sad, but you shouldn't beat yourself up on those days either. But like you just can't let yourself stay down there. We're constantly growing and evolving and this is all still so fresh for you. You know, it's very recent and it's something that you just have to take it day by day. and continue to get stronger. And I think, like I said, just keep in mind what your priorities are now.

And you need to be strong for yourself and for your son and for your family. And that's that. And everybody has different parts of their grief and their healing journey. But the further we get in it, like we're only going to get better and stronger. And that's something that you should keep in mind.

And I do. And it's hard. because I'll see I'll be at work and like somebody will bring their baby in or like I couldn't go to the baby section at Walmart for the longest time without being like feeling like I was about to die you know and like I couldn't be around other people's kids like I couldn't do all that and like I can do that now and that's that's a personal win for me. Yeah, you know, and I just think about where I was like the day before I went to the psych board, thinking about like ending my life, just not wanting to do it anymore, thinking about my son will be better off without me, you know. And these are feelings that I'm sure a lot of people share at really dark points in their lives. when, you know, they've lost somebody because losing someone that you love is very difficult. It's unspeakable.

Like there's no way to really explain it. No. It's like a part of you is gone. And there's nothing that anybody can say or do that takes that pain away. And yeah, there are so many people that are going to listen to your journey and I'm sure really, really relate to it. because people feel that way a lot. And it's horrible, it's sad. It's a very dark point in a lot of people's lives.

And I want to stress that it's normal to feel that way. And I feel like suicidal thoughts and ideulations are like taboo subjects that like people don't want to talk about. And like people feel like they can't speak on because if they say that, then people will think, oh, well, she's suicidal. I have to call the cops and get her admitted right now. Now, like, no, like, it's okay to be like, I wish that I could just fall asleep and never wake up because I don't want to wake up and feel this pain anymore. You know, like, that's normal. That's a part of grief, really.

You know, I'm pretty sure anybody that's ever lost anyone has thought about that, like you said, you know, I just want to stress that it is normal. Yeah. It is normal. And, like, there's resources out there. There's people out there that love you. if you're in a place like I was, like there's people, there's resources, there's reasons to live, there's everything gets better. And it feels like it won't at that point in time, but it does.

Yeah. And I also want to say that is really important to have a plan, like a fire safety plan, and you're in place. And my parents definitely keep around a fire extinguisher. and we definitely have a fire safety plan now. Good, yeah, it's important. And I'm actually, like, looking into starting a support group in my city, you know, for people that have lost infants that don't exactly, like, want a religious take on it, you know,

like me. Like, I just kind of want to be in a room full of people that are supportive and, like, want to talk about their story, like, that don't probably don't. have people to talk to about it. You know, I feel like the system kind of failed for me at first, you know, and it took, like, me going to my, to the psych ward for me to get help, and that's really sad, you know. But I'm here. Yeah, no.

And first off, I'm so sorry about your son, obviously. And also, I'm so glad that you wanted to come on here and share your journey and experience because it's important for so many different reasons. And I think it would be amazing if you started a group like that. I think that there should be more things like that where people can just open up and talk and feel like they're being heard. Yeah. So it seems like there were so many points in your journey that all you wanted was to be heard.

And it just shows how important that is. The whole time, really. Yeah. Yeah. And it shows how important it is and it is. And, you know, even you coming on here and sharing your story, it does a lot for other people. I think it'll do a lot for you, even in your healing journey. And that's important.

Those are not small things. Those are huge steps. Yeah. You know, being able to open up and talk about it step by step is a lot. That takes a lot of vulnerability and courage. So I give you so much credit for that. Thank you so much. Of course.

Great job. You did amazing. Seriously.