We're All Insane - Million Followers & Depressed

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Devorah and Kennedy Walsh discuss social anxiety, family relationships, dating experiences, mental health, becoming independent, and the path to social media stardom.  If you have a unique story you'd like to share on We're All Insane, send a message to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel. We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Do you prefer it louder? No, I think it's good. You think it's fine?

Yeah. Okay. I feel like I'm, oh my God, imagine doing this high. I'd feel like I was sick. No, I'd get sick. I'd vomit and I would not be able to do it. Well, you don't handle weed well. No, I don't handle anything well. This is my like, this is my second cup of drugs today because I want to just feel like a cokehead. I couldn't. Well, you can, you can smoke weed and I can't. I love this mug. I don't smoke weed. Well, you know, you do weed. Whatever you want to call it. I only did it twice. I only do it if I'm like, I really just don't want to feel like I'm on earth tonight.

But I don't know how you don't get nauseous. I think it's just like controlling your thoughts. Like if you start to get anxious thoughts or be like, oh my God, I'm feeling sick. I have to be like, no, I'm not. Okay, but like I try to say no, I'm not. And then I like could imagine running to a toilet and vomiting. Well, it's if you have anxiety about something going into it, it's only going to get worse. Well, I really didn't.

Yeah, but you might have like these subconscious thoughts of because you've gotten sick before from it. Or like you always feel sick when you do it. Yeah. You're going to be like, oh, hope it goes well this time. Yeah, but like it wasn't even weed those things, right? It basically is. No, it's not. It's actually, it makes you high.

CBD doesn't make you high. Is it concentrated? What is it though? It's like a little, but it's not an edible. It's basically an edible. So like a little sleeping edible. It's a different, it's not just for sleeping though. It literally makes you high.

It's just supposed to be like a calmer type of high. If I ate that motherfucker during the day, I would like be in bed. I'm not kidding you. What happened was is I ate one of them. No, not one. Half of one. didn't feel it. I also went to bed within an hour.

The next night I ate, I think, a little more than half. Still didn't feel it, but also went to bed. And then the night after that, literally ate, I think, a full one and then another bite of a half. Wait, you took a whole half of one and you didn't feel anything? No, half of the half. Okay. See, that's what I did.

And then I tried a full one thinking like, okay, I should feel it. And I kind of like, you know, worked my way up. A full, like two halves. No, one half. This was one full half. and I think a little bit nibble of like another half. Okay. And my mistake here was I took it at eight,

decided to watch a movie with my mom on FaceTime for an hour and a half. And I'm like enjoying myself. I'm laying there watching the movie and I didn't really move. I was kind of in my like sideways position. And I got thirsty. I had weird feelings. Like I kind of felt like weird while watching the movie. I don't know.

It was weird. My mouth got really dry when it came out. Yeah. Like the dry mouth. I hate that. It's like fucking cotton mouth to the max. But I was laying there and then I was like, okay, I'm a little thirsty. What does it smell like?

No, I was just, it was a little, I was thirsty and I had my big water jug like right next my bed. And you know, my bed's pretty low now. So I sit up and when I sat up, it felt like my soul left my body. Oh, God. And I'm not kidding you, it was so bad that I couldn't even reach down to drink the water. Like I had to lay back down. And I think because we was laying for so long and then sat up like that, I was like flushed.

Like I felt like I couldn't get up. Even laying there, it felt like I was hung over and it was like the world was like spinning around. were texting me about your bad experience, I was high from it. And I was like, I can't read this right now. Yeah, no, it's like, I mean, you're probably right there. Like, once you get in your head about it, it's like, because it literally focuses your thoughts. So it's just going to make it worse. No, it was bad. And, like, I could not shake the feeling. And I was laying there just imagining like, okay, I was like, I want to get up so bad and pee or like, I want to get up and drink. But like, I can't because I feel so nauseous. And then when I did get up, I was like, I'm not kidding you. It was like, you know, when you're sick and you're like wobbling to the toilet.

I was like wobbling like this to the toilet. And then I was like able to pee and drink, and then I lay down and then blew through up. So like I'm cleaning up cat vomit while I'm fucking about to vomit myself. But no, I mean, I definitely agree. It's just weird though because I feel like you have anxiety too. But maybe it's just like you don't have it in that way because you never had that experience. I think it would be worse if I was with people. But because I'm alone, I'm like, I know nothing's going to happen to me.

Yeah. And I've never really had a really bad experience with weed. Have you smoked weed or was it that was in same thing? When I was in school, yeah. The first time I smoked weed, I literally took like four. huge hits. Was it a blunt or a bowl? No, it was out of a plastic water bottle. Claudia and I used to do that. We would steal Brandon's out of the little like vent. But you didn't, you didn't feel anything from that? No, I did. I got really high, but it was good. Like, and I was

with my friend, two of my friends from high school. And one of them I wasn't even that close with. Were you home? No, I was at, it was in her basement. And I literally fell asleep in my jeans, watching like a kid's move. That's like, but every time I've heard about people smoking, that's the experience that like I have always heard that's like that my friends have had. It's like the very calm they smoke. It's kind of like they seep into themselves. They can watch something and kind of just like get lost in it. And then they fall asleep.

And then me, I'm laying there and I like if I don't fall asleep right away, I feel sick. I have these. I was telling you was having crazy thoughts. I think you literally have subconscious thoughts that like when you're high, they just get brought to the surface where you anticipate not feeling good. But like isn't it weird that like I also have these thoughts that like people were breaking in and like weird shit was happening? Yeah, well, that's a bad high. Well, also, I was going to say, too, it made me realize it.

It's almost like, like you were saying, the subconscious thoughts. It's like that's kind of things that always in the back of my mind are there. But I kind of just push back and like, I'm fine, I'm fine. But then it like brings it all to the surface. It's like the worst anxiety I have. But like I feel like you and I are different in that way because we, I feel like we both have anxiety, but in very different ways. Like I feel like mine is more, I don't know.

Like, do you get anxiety when you like go to do things? Yes. Not like, I know that's how like. that didn't make sense. I mean like, for example, I always remember growing up, like, I would do like modeling and things like that. Like my mom always signed me up for these like modeling things. And I worked with different agencies. And I'm not even kidding. Which I don't, I'm sure you've like experienced something similar to this. But I would have to do these calls, I guess. It was like acting and modeling. And I would have to do these calls that were like for maybe seven hours or

more like a day. And they were usually like 45 minutes to an hour away. And my mom would drive me because I was young. And I'd have to stay there all day and like meet these people I didn't know. and like audition for these different acting roles. I really hated it. I don't even know why I got into it. You could have been a child actor. Actually, I met Michelle Obama. Really?

Because I went to a Nickelode. I have a picture. I went to a Nickelodeon thing once because I got a role. And I was just like, what is it called when you're in the background? Extra. An extra. Yeah. See, this is why I can't do it.

I was an extra and I met Michelle Obama, took a picture with her. Her mouth is a little crooked in the picture. But it's fine because I have it. And then I think I got another one. I ended up, this is kind of like fucked up but like I remember I went into the audition and they had like four cards laid out of like who was like applying or like auditioning for it

and it was mine and then three others and I remember looking down and I was like I got this. I got this easy like pictures of them? Yes and I swear to you that was the only one that I got okay and I think it was there was long too it was like a 12 hour day we had a drive far because they were never like

in state and I remember they did my makeup for me and like I looked so bad Like I looked like a count. At this time I was probably maybe 12, 13. I was still pretty young, but they did my makeup for me. And it was, it was for magazine. Like,

so it was pictures and like, I don't think I had to say anything. But that I didn't mind because I never really liked having to read a script or talk. And I was also like fucking blind. Like I cannot see. And I also went to one where they had to hold up these cardboard. Listen, this is this.

I can't even believe I remember this is my memory. My memory is so shit. But they held up these cardboard. and they were like, okay, read this, because this is the audition is for you to read it. Kennedy, I couldn't see it. You didn't have glasses at the time? I did, but I never, I didn't think of wear them. I didn't wear my glasses.

Hate it on. All of middle school. And I had a similar experience. One time my teacher was like, she would call on random people to like read the objective or whatever just to read something off the board. She called me and I'm just like, I don't know. Yeah. I don't know.

It's terrible. And like, I remember trying so hard and I was squinting. And I always tried not to squint because everybody would say don't squint if you didn't see. and I was squinting and I couldn't see it and I think I tried a few times and I ended up having to say I really can't read it. I don't have my glasses and obviously didn't get that one. I just walked out. But whenever I think of the anxiety I had as a kid, it was things like that. You know, I was so attached to my mom.

Like so much. I think I really, I think I slept in my mom's room. Like in her, if I didn't have a friend over, I slept in bed with her. If I had a friend over, my friend and I would sleep on her floor. Like I didn't even use my room really up until I was like 15. Yeah. Wow. So I was so attached to her.

I would say up until I was once again, maybe 12 or like 13 or so. I was attached to my mom until I was like 20. Yeah. And it's crazy because it was like she would drive me to these things. And I think she would stay in the area but she couldn't stay there. And when she would leave, it was like I would get nauseous. I'd get the shit. Oh, she would like leave the when I would drop me off with these auditions or even a friend's house.

Like I would get the shit. Well, you were 12. Like. I know. But like it was bad because I think it was worse because you know like when you're young, you don't always know what's going on. And like, you might just think, oh, I just feel sick all the time. But like, I knew it was so frustrating because I knew that it was, I picked up on it, that it was only happening when my mom would leave. And as soon as I'd get in her car or go home,

I felt fine again. And like, it's crazy because I just feel like I am such, like, I feel like people view us so differently in the sense that like I see more outgoing and more out there. But like, I feel like I have really bad anxiety too, but it might not seem like it. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I think literally every person on the planet has anxiety. Yeah. And it's just in different ways because I really think it stems from how you grew up and experiences you've had as a child. Like mine, I mean, I don't know exactly where mine came from, but it was more with like,

it was dependence on my mom. Yeah. And like when I graduated high school, I didn't drive. I wasn't driving. I didn't really have a job and all I was doing was making YouTube videos. So my siblings and my mom would drive me everywhere. My mom would drive me to my hair appointments that were an hour away. She'd be with me the whole day.

And then we got the apartment in Florida. And I would fly there with Brandon and my mom. And we got a car there. They would always drive it. I would never drive. I was terrified of driving. It got so bad to the point where I was like, don't even want to think, I don't think I'm ever going to drive again.

And I just couldn't do anything by myself. Like I was so codependent. And I didn't even realize it at the time. But I didn't realize it until I moved out, which at the time I like can't. Like in your apartment here? Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe I even moved out by myself because I was just so tired of living in like a tiny room in my mom's house.

And I moved out and I was like, okay, got a car because had to get myself from A to B. And I was like, okay, now I have to do everything by myself. I have to go grocery shopping. I am responsible for feeding myself. And like, I mean, I already was because I was 20 years old. But still, it's like you don't have other people in the house that are buying food that you can eat or like. And your mom would make dinner a lot. Yeah.

I mean, not as much when we were adults because we would all like do our own thing. But also like we would make dinners together sometimes. And Claudia would buy things from the grocery store and I would eat that. It's like, okay, I have to do all the cleaning, all the cooking. like and then when you get cats you're responsible for these cat lives which like isn't that big of responsibility. I think that helps though. It does like I think it does aid in like responsibility and it makes you like feel like you have to take care of something other than yourself. I like, we're responsible to that. I enjoy taking care of my cats because I'm like, okay,

I know exactly what to do for this. Yeah. For me it's like sometimes you don't know exactly what you need. So it's just like to me it's just crazy because I like I was saying I just always remember like it was just so bad at sometimes like at some points. Like I got so bad. The only house that I would sleep at was Rachel's. Like that was the only like person I would really have sleepovers with because growing up I realized like I literally couldn't. And when I would sleep there, even though it was so comfortable with her and her family and

it was only five minutes away, I would literally start like seizing. Like I could not control my body and would like shake it because I'd get like a panic attack or something. And I didn't grow out of that for a long time. I realized that I like picked up on the things that helped me. Like if I drove somewhere myself in my own car, I didn't get anxiety because I knew I had control and could leave whenever I wanted. And things like that. But I don't know. Like when I think back to you, I feel like I, even though I know, I knew that you, I guess, were more dependent on, you know,

your siblings and your mom, I thought it was a big step that you moved to a completely another, like a different state. I know. I was that was still huge. Oh, you're talking about Florida yet. Yeah, even moving away. We didn't. We didn't actually like move though. It was like. But you were there for like what, like a month at a time at points? Well, the first time we moved, I was like, okay, I'm leaving my mom who I love and I was attached to you. I got very attached to her when I got like very, with all my stomach issues when I was like 15. And I feel like before that I really wasn't that anxious of a kid.

Like maybe I had a little bit of social anxiety, but like what kid doesn't. And then when all of that shit happened and I was in like the hospital all the time and stuff, I just got so attached to my mom. Yeah. Because I would be, now it was like, okay, now I'm scared to have a sleep over at my friend's house. Because what if I wake up and my stomach is all fucked up? Yeah. And like I'm, I don't want to deal with that in a different place.

And it just created all of these new anxieties that I'd never experienced before. Yeah. Like normally I would go to a friend's house and I would sleep fine and I'd be so like, like, chill about the whole thing. And now it was like I had to over think every little thing. Like, what if I wake up and I feel this way? And then I have to call my mom literally sometimes I would sleep over. Emily's house and I wake up in the morning and I would have to text my mom to come get me because my stomach was messed up or like I was I couldn't get off the toilet and so yeah when I got older and like my stomach kind of leveled out and then I was doing YouTube I was like

my friends were in college and I was still in my hometown like across the street from my high school and I was like I just feel like a rock who is not moving at all even though I was like doing this YouTube, my life hadn't changed at all. Right. And so then once I started making money, that was like the first real big change in my life. And then Brandon, me and Brandon, like, it's really weird to think back on like, we got an apartment together. Yeah. Because like that is But I think you guys get along like well and have like a lot of comment. We always have had like a really, I mean, not always, but as I got older, we developed like a pretty close bond. And we would have like movie nights. And you guys share, I think, a very similar mental creativity. Like I see it

whenever I talk to him or I talk to you, even like your mannerisms of how like you kind of like look up or to the side of thing. It's like I did. It's so funny because I always like compare it to you. Yeah. I know. And it's identical and it's so interesting to see. Yeah. No. And like still sometimes we'll like get lunch and and talk and we'll get into these deep conversations or debates. Yep. And so I think we both were just in the same position like Claudia was dating her. boyfriend at the time and she was in nursing school I think and she had this whole life even though she like well not happy but hey I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal on this season robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder either way Boston will never be the same listen to American

criminal the murder of Carol Stewart wherever you get your podcasts or to get early ad free access Subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. She was more, I think, in her world. Yeah, exactly. And I didn't really have my life was the same as it was in high school. And I was like, I think it would be a better opportunity for me to, like, move somewhere like Florida and have more filming opportunities. And so we decided to, we took a trip there and, like, tested it out and I liked it.

But it was also, like, really weird. Yeah. And then we decided to get an apartment there. And for like the first two weeks, I was surprisingly okay. Like I had my own room. This was the first time in my life, having my own bathroom. Yeah. My own room that like had sunlight.

Right. My room at the mom's house. Yeah. I remember mine was in the basement. I didn't even have a fucking window. Yeah. Well, I basically didn't have a window because it had blackout curtains on it. And also like I kind of remember like the, the, um, what's called the screen and like

the windows of themselves, like they weren't new. So much dust. It was very dirty. So it was like there was no sunlight really coming in. I couldn't move it. Yeah. Dust would fly off into my face. Jesus.

And literally my, my, my, the size of my room at my mom's house was the size of my bathroom currently. That's crazy. I used to look up at the ceiling and like see like the map of the room basically. And I'm like, wow, this is a really small room. Yeah. And then now I do that when I'm like sitting on the toilet and I'm like, I think the same size. Yeah.

About the same size. Yeah. But I just didn't leave. my room. I would literally lay in my bed all day. I remember, yeah. And so anyways, we moved and then for like the first weeks I was fine. I had all this new space and it was exciting. I got furniture and I'd never experienced this before. Right. And I was also making money for the first time. Like I was like, broke my whole life and finally had money and I was like, this is so weird and I'm living my dream and it was amazing. And then I remember my stomach got really, really bad and I just wanted my mom. And any,

time I'm sick, you know, you want your mom. Yeah. And I remember, like, FaceTiming my mom and Claudia, or maybe it was just my mom. And I was, like, hysterically crying. I was just like, I want, like, I don't want to be here right now. Like, I just want to come home. And I kind of just had, like, a big breakdown after that. Yeah.

So then after, like, the three week mark, we went home. And I think that was, like, the real start of becoming extremely codependent on my mom. And even Brandon, because then she would fly with us to Florida. And not just for me for also, like she, I don't know, it was a weird transition point for all of us, but I just wanted her there. Yeah. And I think I just got into like this really weird, dark place for those next, that next like year and a half because I wasn't doing anything for myself really. Like, and it's weird because like my YouTube channel was doing better than it had ever done.

Right. Like it was doing great. I was really enjoying making videos. and that was like the only thing bringing me joy. That and like my cat at home, but then I wasn't even with her when I was in Florida. And I don't know. I just remember like laying in bed at night and being like,

what's wrong with me? Like why does nothing bring me joy? Like nothing is making me happy. I would try to force myself to go out and do things. Like my mom would be like, it's such a nice day. Let's go. There was like this place in Tampa that is like a bunch of restaurants and stores combined. And we're like, let's go there and like shop or something.

And I would be like, no, I don't want to. They would like force me to leave the apartment. And to the point where like they would ask me and be like, they would already know that I'd be like, no, I don't want to go. I would literally avoid going out at all costs. And it just kept getting worse. And that one time my mom was like, do you want to go shopping? Let's go.

She always wanted to go out and do stuff. And I never wanted to. And she would try to force me. And we went and I was just like in a whole. horrible mood. Like I was just so angry and I was being so mean to her and like I would be so mean to her all the time. And I knew I was being mean and I would hate myself for it. But I like couldn't control it. I couldn't like stop myself. And then I would feel horrible and I would like cry to myself and be like, why am I like this? Like what is wrong with me? It's just the way I am. Like I'm just

a fucking raging bitch. Like I'm just like miserable to be around. And I just don't think I realized that I was like truly unhappy. And I thought. in order to like be depressed. You needed a real reason or you needed to be so bad that you literally couldn't get yourself out of bed, couldn't get dressed, couldn't. They didn't even want to live. Like I've, I mean, I agree with that because I always have thought of depression as something that's like you're all time low.

You know what I mean? Like when you're like, okay, this is bad. Like, but a lot of times, one, people that are depressed don't even really realize it. Exactly. And two, it doesn't have to be so bad to the point that like you have to wait to that point to realize something's wrong. Exactly. And it looks like something completely different for everyone.

So it can be that, yeah, you can't get out of bed. You can't shower. But for me, showering has always been like something that really helps me. Yeah. So I was like, okay, if I'm showering, then I'm clearly not depressed. Right. And I just kind of convinced myself I wasn't as bad as I maybe felt. And so anyways, I would keep forcing myself to do things and keep trying to get myself

out of the apartment. But every time I'd come home and I'm just like, I just like, like, There was like a little nap. I would just go into my room and cry and be like, why is nothing fun to me? Why am I not having fun? Like I'm trying to do things. And I also was like really like romantically lonely because I had no social life. Like I had like my close friends, but they were in college.

And my one friend at the, my best friend at the time was in like a long term relationship. And so I just felt even though I had an amazing family, I felt like I had no. no one. Yeah. And I didn't feel like I was like living the life I wanted to live, which is so, it sounds so stupid to say because I was living like my lifetime dream of being a YouTuber. Right. But it just goes to show that you can get things that you, that you really want and still your life could be missing things. Right. Which is like what I was telling you when we were talking was that, you know, it's so hard for your brain to like comprehend. when you feel so miserable and yeah but you have everything yeah like I have my own place

I have money like enough money to support myself and survive have my cat you know what I mean I can I have this flexibility that I can do whatever I want why am I so fucking miserable and I'm the same way you know like there's so many times where I'm and it is a self-ref it's a reflection of yourself and how you feel but it's like you're so miserable within yourself and like and I've literally been there more times than not where you're that angry in your in your inside that it's like it reflects to how you talk to people. And it's weird because I would notice, I don't know if you ever notice this, but like it never came out to Claudia. Like I wouldn't eat, no matter how miserable I was, like never would treat Claudia that way. But like my mom,

it's almost like the people that care of the most that you know can't leave you. Right. It's like I would like the attitude and for no reason. And then you look back on you're like they were being nothing but nice. I know. Why did I have to speak to them like a literal piece of shit? Literally. There was this one moment where it was like a wake-up moment for me, even though it didn't really like fix me, but me and my mom were flying to Florida by ourselves. And I was just like, something was seriously wrong with me that weekend. I was being so mean to her. Just like attitude, anything she said, I would just be like, like annoyed. Yeah. And I just kind of got like, like I didn't realize how bad it had gotten. And then she said, she never would say something to

me. She'd just be like, oh, that's Kennedy. She's just a bitch. She's always like, I feel like been good with that. And then she ended up saying something. And she was like, why are you being so mean to me? And I was like, oh my God, I want to kill myself. Yeah. Like, it just made me so sad. And I was like, this is how I'm treating my mother who has literally done it, like been there for everything. Who has been the best mother you could possibly be. Like, and I truly mean that. And looking back as an adult, like I just feel so bad. But I mean, I tell her out of the time. I felt like I'm so grateful for her and how much I love her and how she literally made me the person I am. Yeah.

And but yeah. So then COVID happened. That was like a year and a half straight of just me being like miserable. Right, because all of that was pre-COVID. Yeah. Okay. And did you do you guys move back before COVID happened? Well, I remember all four of us were in Florida.

And then I think Claudia might have been the first to fly. Yeah, she flew home first by herself because I think she had like a nursing, I don't know, something with that. me not, I don't know, something. And then we were like seeing coronavirus on the news. And we were like, oh my God, this is so stupid. Like nothing like that had ever happened before. And then we took, we had like a flight home the next day. I kind of remember this. Because I remember like feeling like Claudia, you need to get home before like you can't get home. Well, like I remember Claudia was like, you guys got to get home. And I was like, oh my God, this is so stupid. Like masks. What? Nobody thought it

would actually shut down the world. Yeah. I had no idea what. I had no idea what. I don't think anyone expected it. No. So then we flew home and I remember seeing people in the airport wearing masks and I was like, what is going on? Just a pandemic. I know, but like we didn't know at the time. Yeah.

And then because my two closest friends, their classes got canceled for like however long it was like a week or two at the time. Yeah. And I started talking to them more and we started zooming. and then there was obviously like corona has brought so many horrible things but I think and I think a lot of people have also experienced this where it brought a lot of good change to your life. Yeah, I kind of like liked the aspect of like I know. It reminded me. Like a snow day. Yeah. I was going to say that. It reminded me and I would love snow days because I've always been the one that's at home,

being a loser, having no life. Now everybody stuck with you. Exactly. And like Brandon and Claudia, my mom would always be out running errands going to the gym, hanging out with people. And I was like, you guys are stuck with me. And people will literally message me and be like, I bet you're loving this quarantine. And I was like, I kind of am. Like I'm, they can't make me feel guilty for not doing anything. And we were all just like, there were so many like late nights where we were just doing stupid stuff together.

Yeah, I remember it. Like, and I, it was so. Also, I think that's why Brandon's channel was doing so well. You know what I mean? Because it was, it was a vibe. You know what I mean? It was like, almost like the shameless kind of thing. was the best my channel ever did.

Like, well, think about it. No one had anything else to do. It was like they were, I know, you had to be watching something. It was like, think about it. The shows that popped off during quarantine, I know, probably would not have popped off if people weren't stuck. The too hot to handle. Like sorry, but like I never watched shows like that, but I watched the whole thing like nothing else to do.

And it almost like, in, in a lot of ways it was good for some people because to take us a moment to just like sit and just. being your own brain. Yeah, a lot of people don't take moments for themselves. And as somebody who takes a lot of moments for herself, it's very important. And so, yeah, quarantine happened. And then after a few months of that, I was like, I got to get out of here. Like, I am 20 years old. I am financially stable.

I could easily get my own apartment. Yeah. But I was like, where the fuck am I going to get an apartment? And then me and Brandon ended up touring the apartment building that we live in. I'm like about to say it. And I loved it. And then within like the next month I moved in, I was so excited. And I was like, I know I can make so many videos here.

There's so much sunlight. I love my apartment so much. It's literally like. It's great. There's something about it. The day I move out of there, like it's, I'm like going to have a lot. I might cry for you. I, it's going to be so hard.

Because even Claudia's is so nice. But there's, I don't know. Like, and I think Claudia and I have a similar like the aesthetic style. But there's something about one, your apartment and two, the way you make. everything so you and you're just like your own you know thing no but seriously it's like it has I it's funny because like I was saying even though your style isn't necessarily my style like I love going over there because it's so cozy like it's such its own thing yeah that's what that's what I wanted and it's come a long way since I first got it. No it's so cute I love it like when you posted your

the bookshelf yeah I was so cute and I saw my little teapot on there I know I was I literally thought about it I was like I know she's gonna see it I saw it I saw it don't worry yeah I was like It's, I love that apartment. I saw that. Yeah. Everything. No, it's perfect. Yeah.

So I think when I moved out, it, even though I was so used to spending so much time alone, I was really spending time alone. Like I wasn't living two feet away from my sister and five feet away from my mom and not having movie nights with Brandon because we just like, we're bored and had nothing else to do. And at first it was like really fun because I was like, oh my God, I have all of this independence and I can cook my own dinners finally. And your plate, I mean, that, it's brand new. Exactly. Yeah. Nobody had lived in it before. Yeah. Yeah. Very, like, those are the most modern you can get.

Yeah. Honestly, within 30 minutes around us one more. I agree. I agree. Yeah, they were literally built. They're the nicest ones around here. They were built like six months before I moved in. And there was nobody living on my floor at the time. Yeah. It was just me. Yeah. I was the first person there. I know. Every time I'm looking at the floors. There's so many. Yeah. Now they're like completely filled up. And every time I walk past someone, I'm like, yeah, I'm the, you're the OG. Yeah. That is funny. Yeah.

So I was the first one. Could you imagine you're like 70 years old, 70 years old are the same apartment? Well, I live. My first next door neighbor was like a 65 year old guy. Yeah. And I always think like it's probably a little weird that I'm just like this young girl living here by myself. But I don't know.

Anyways, I quickly, like I adapted to the change. But then I was like, oh, fuck. Like something that. is happening. And I think my anxiety and like depression and everything just kind of kept bubbling up because I missed my mom. I didn't see her every day when I had been and I'm very, very close to her. There's literally nothing. She does not know about my life. And I also missed Claudia. And even after Claudia moved into the same fucking floor, I still was like, it just felt so different. And she completely related to it. We would talk about it all the time. And then I, my real breaking point, oddly enough,

was when I got Ruby. And Salem was still alive. And I am somebody who like just really struggles with like change after being, after something being one way for so long. And I just had all of this guilt because I got this new cat while my old childhood cat who like literally shaped me as a person. Like she was my everything. I know.

Yeah. I fucking loved that cat. And I was so emotionally dependent on her. And. she was like old and get and like sick and I knew she was going to die soon. I'm like instead of spending time with her, I'm getting this new cat. Yeah. And like Ruby was just like she.

She wasn't Salem. Yeah, she wasn't Salem at all and she wasn't cuddly at all. And I don't know. It was just like I just remember being it was like 10.30 at night and I was like I started like hyperventilating and I was like in my closet on the floor being like, you're okay. You're okay. You're okay. And I was like, in my head, I was like, Jesus, what the fuck's happening to me? Yeah. Like I couldn't even take care of this cat because I was like literally,

literally losing my goddamn mind. And I called my mom and she was like, Jesus, just come over. I literally drove there. And that's how you know it's bad if I was willing to drive somewhere. And I drove there at like 1130, hysterically crying the entire time. It was also raining. Yeah. Like I've seen. No, I was like so scared. My anxiety was so high. But I got there. like just, my mom didn't, she was like, what's wrong with you? Yeah. And I like couldn't even explain. I was like, I got a new cat. Yeah. Like what? And I just hysterically cried like on her bed and then I slept in my room with Salem, which like she didn't even sleep with me for half the night. So I was like,

and I woke up and I was like, oh my God. And I just felt at that point in my life, I still felt like a child. Like I didn't know how to take care of myself properly. Like I mentally, I just still felt 16. Well, also it was almost like when you felt that bad, it's like you, at that point in your life, you kind of still had to revert back to like what you knew. But it's all you did know. So it's like how can how can you learn to like really help yourself? I think it would be hard for anybody to help themselves. Like when I feel that bad, I mean like I was telling you like the other day when I get,

sometimes I have bad breakdowns. It's like nobody wants to deal with that alone. And sometimes you don't actually deal with it if you're alone. You know what I mean? You just like you eventually stop crying and you might wake up the next morning and be like, oh, like why did I feel that way like I overreacted? but honestly you weren't because that's how you felt in that moment. And like, she's still your mom.

You know what I mean? Like it's like, and that was still so fresh to you, like all of it. So it's like it makes sense that you reverted back to that. And like, that's all you knew, you know. Yeah. And I'd only been living in that apartment for like three months at that time. Yeah. Or like three or four months.

So and I, there were many more breakdowns to come about the same thing. I'm, I don't, I'm getting older. Like I'm alone. I'm so lonely. I have this amazing apartment. But I have nothing. to fill it, like not, not physically fill it with, but I don't have like, I don't know. I just felt so empty.

Like everything my life felt so empty. And do you think that that emptiness at all spurred from like a lack of experience, like experiences in your life? And in any way. Like, I mean like kind of. I think it was more like. Because like obviously like you and I had very different, you know, like we grew up very different in the sense of like just how we acted it as people and like socially.

Like do you think that that. Because obviously, you. you had your like few close friends. And honestly, it's funny because looking back to me now, that seems better. Because now, you know, it takes you time to realize only a few friends is better than like hanging out with people you actually don't like. I feel like I realize that from a very young age. Right.

In middle school. I'm sorry, I want to take it. You're fine. I got slime in my throat. You just spit it on table. Cut that out. When I was in middle school, I was like pretty popular. I used to joke in my videos that I peaked in middle school.

school because I was like so I wasn't even confident I just didn't have social anxiety and I would go out on the weekends I would go ice skating I'd go to jay dances I would like I think I like twice it really scared me it really scared me it was like a weird humping with clothes on type of thing it was it was gross but I remember I hate the word I know horrible word don't know who made it terrible I know it would be like so who did you grind on I know seriously did you make out with anybody Like, if you made out with somebody, a police officer would like come and like separate you. Seriously. Anyways, there is this one time I had a crush on this boy who was a year older than me.

Like I was a, it wasn't even a crush. I was obsessed with him. I didn't even know him. Like I saw him once and I was like, love that. I'm obsessed with you. And that's been every crush on the guy that I've ever had. That's like normal though. I know.

Honestly, those are the fun crushes because you don't know anything about him. You just look at them. You can fantasize what they are, but that's probably not how they are. but just keep it that way. No, it's never how they are. No, definitely not. Out of J dance, he like saw many, like, went like this and he hugged me. Like, he was, he was cute,

kid. And I was like, oh my God. Yeah. Melting. Literally, I was friends with girls from other schools. Like, I was friends with the popular girls. I had, like, wheezzled my way in to, like, the popular girls who, like, had money. Yeah.

And then I realized that I just, like, I don't know. Yeah, it wasn't my thing. And then I got to high school, my only, a friend pretty much was Emily and I was fine with that. She was like very popular, very extroverted. Like, extremely extroverted. Like we are literally polar opposites when it comes to like social. Which is so funny because I don't really like I don't know. We're like that obviously because you guys were younger. But like I, which honestly doesn't make sense that I would know. But like whenever I see her, whenever I've like seen her with you like she, I feel like she's so quiet and sweet. But probably because like she's like she's not friends with us or anything. We're like different ages.

Yeah. I don't know. I'm surprised that you say that because she. I think I've only seen her like maybe twice. Like I think the first time was like maybe you did her makeup one time at the house and she came and just show us. Yeah. And then another time I think it was at the office once. I mean, I always, like, she was so sweet, but I always thought she was like quiet. I'd never knew that she was like, like, you guys were so opposite. She loves talking to people.

She loves meeting people. And so in high school, she was like part of these, all of these clubs. And she knew so many people from like older grades. And I just like, I hated doing stuff. I was like, I want to stay home on the weekends and watch movies by myself. every time we hung out, we would just watch movies. We're still the same way. Yeah.

And I, when I got to high school, I remember thinking that I was going to have like this amazing love life. Like I was going to have these older guys like trying to get me. And I kind of did, but they were like disgusting. I was going to say like the options there were not the ones that you wanted. No, literally like a real world too was like our high school. eight. Yeah. So the options were very limited. But I also just like didn't, I just, I grew up reading books and I made my expectations so high. And I've literally from like the youngest age,

I've known what I wanted in like a person. And no one's ever been that for me. I've never met someone. I'm like, oh my God, you have qualities that like I've always been looking for. And that's why I've never been in a relationship. Like. And it's really, really hard to find. And that's the thing is so many people when they're younger, they're in like stupid relationships or they're in relationships where they learn a lot of stuff. Here's the thing. Did I really mentally learn anything at the age of fucking 14 when I started? No, I'm sorry.

I think I got fingered for the first of it 13. So like from fucking 13 to 18. Okay, this is how I would think about it. When I would think about this when I was like 13, 14, I'd be like, like why are girls my age? I'm sick. Doing stuff with guys because their boobs aren't even fully developed. I didn't have tits.

I had. Like, that's all I had. So I don't know what I was doing. The guys that was, this sounds so fucked and it's like, it sounds gross, but it's the truth.

The guy that I had sex with that 14, I don't even think his dick was his full size yet. Like, it's gross. I know. Okay. You know what memory. It's fucked up.

When you and Claude, and I also like when I was younger, I viewed you as Claudeas and Claudia's like these crazy girls. I mean, we kind of were. I know you were. You would do stuff guys. And we, the thing is, is like, in our grade, even though there were other girls, like, making out with guys, I think we were the first ones in our grade to have sex. And I think that was our goal. We wanted the whole class in school to know. Claudia and DeVore, I lost her virginity. Okay, well, I was the first one in eighth grade to have my first kiss. And then I was like, oh, my God, I'm about to be a horror. Yeah. No. Did it, did anybody talk about it or it wasn't like it didn't know. No, it was gross. It was like, it was a Halloween night and it was like three groups of people. You know, people in middle school did that.

that. And I was like, I didn't even like this kid. Like I kind of remember this story. Yeah. And I was dressed. I think I've told it in a video, but I was dressed as Barbie and I made him dress as Ken. And I was like, we were all wondering he was going to be the first one to like do it. So I just did it. And I remember he asked me to go down to his basement with him because I needed the Wi-Fi password. And he was like, it's in the basement come down with me. And I was like, no. Yeah, good move. No. Yeah. Like, no. And he tried to kiss me again when we left. And I was like, I felt so much shame. I was so ashamed. I was like, oh my God, I don't like myself right now.

And I got scared of that feeling. No, but honestly, that still happens. Like, even as an adult, if you do something, even if it is just a kiss. I'm terrified of it. It's like, it's a very, not even ashamed, but it's like, if you don't enjoy it, you don't like the person, you're not going to feel good about it. You're not, like, there are some people that don't care. But like, I, as much as many people as I've, like, hung out with or kissed or whatever,

like, I still get that feeling. It makes you, like, physically sick. Even if I would, like, get a little bit too flirtatious with, somebody who afterwards I'd be like, ew. Why did I do that? Right. I'm like, ew, that was not me. Yeah.

And anyways, where was I going with this story? I don't remember. You're fine. But yeah. So, God, I wish I could remember my original point. I hate that shit. You were talking about, um, when I went into high school. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, yeah, because I was saying, I was like, if you think about it or if I think about it, even though I started doing sexual shit and dating people so young. I don't, I don't think I, how at that age, even through like 14 to 18, your brain, like the amount of times your brain changes in that time and then after and then after they keep changing. I genuinely don't think I learned anything. I might have gotten sexual experience, but like, I almost feel like on a mental level, the experience that like, or the hope of experience that you have through like reading is pretty much the same as the shit heads that I actually date. Like what is the, to me, it's like, like I said, the only thing that I have different is like the actual physical sexual experience.

But it's like all, most of the people I dated were we were young or it wasn't even considered a real relationship because we were in fucking high school. You know what I mean? It's like the only ones that I feel like actually maybe taught me something mentally were the ones that last a couple years. And I was like maybe like 19, 20 and up. Like you can't, how can you learn when you're in fucking high school? You're looking at all these different kids and like whatever else. It's yeah. It's impossible.

Literally. And I've always been like this. When I have a crush on a guy, it's never like a real crush. It's never like, oh, I really like this person. It's like, I like the way that I feel when they pay attention to me. And I discovered this like really, really well in the last year when I had a crush on someone. And it was a very obsessive crush. And afterwards, you're the obsessive type. No, like it would be so bad. And I would post things and think about like what this person is. would be like thinking if they saw it and everything that I did I'd be like I would imagine them like watching me in the corner of the it was like weird it would get bizarre no but you know what's funny though is like I think it's I think it seems bizarre to you and like I might not have those thoughts now but like

when I was younger and like couldn't and I wasn't hanging out with these guys because I was younger and like you know you had to ask your parents permission and all that stuff the only thing you have left is your imagination so if you like somebody yeah I think it's totally normal I literally used to do that. Like the whole sitting in a corner thing. Yeah. Like imagining, oh, if he was like, I would like sometimes do things. I think, oh, like, I know.

I was like, there's no one there. Yeah. Oh my God. When I was obsessed. It's weird, but it's normal. I know. I hate it because it makes me feel like this, the, um, insecure 16 year old version of myself because when I was 16, I was absolutely obsessed with this guy who was two years

older. And it's funny because like I'll, I'll like talk to him now or something. And I'm like, oh my God. It's like, like, I wish. that I could tell my 16-year-old self that like, you will talk to this guy as an adult, and it will literally mean nothing to you. Like, it will not phase you at all. And I would literally see him in the hallway.

Granted, he was actually very attractive. You know what I'm talking about, right? And he was tall. He looked like a man. He didn't look like a little boy. And he was very popular. And I would see him in the hallway and we'd like smile at each other. We literally never actually hung out or anything.

But that just only made my obsession worse. Right. because I didn't actually know this person. I would go to the bathroom afterwards and look at myself and see what he saw. Yeah. And I remember like we had a few, a few in-person conversations at school. He would constantly ask me to hang out. He would like even ask me on dates.

And I'd be like, no, you're a slut. You're just going to try to have sex with me because he had sex with so many girls in my grade. Really? He took a lot of girls virginities. Damn. And I was like, I know exactly what you want. I'm not dumb. I was never dumb when it came to guys.

I was never naive. Right. And why would you want to almost ruin the like idea you had in your head with that? Yeah. I think subconsciously I was afraid of that. And I was just like, honestly, my idea of like romance was so warped because I grew up reading like toxic books and Julie knows. Yeah.

And anyone who, any girl who grew up reading romance books like you know. Right. I read this thing recently that Jane Austen, who was like a very. well-known romance author, which like wrote Pride and Prejudice and stuff. She never fell in love. So she wrote all of these extremely iconic romance novels that are still being adapted into movies.

And she was never in love. So it was like, okay. So when you say toxic books, were the relationships in the books toxic? Yeah, because. Like the guy was like dominant kind of thing. Yeah. Like think about kind of like Damon.

You know what my like thing was. I was looking for my Edward. I was looking for. That was my thing. Yeah. And Twilight was a fan fiction. That was my big one. Twilight was a fan fiction of something.

I can't remember what it. It was a fan fiction of something. I forget. What was it? I can't remember. Don't ask me. I know. I'm a movie girl.

I can't read books. But then 50 Chays of Grey was originally a fan fiction of Twilight. You love that, right? I love 50s of Grey. Yeah. Yeah. And I literally as a 14 year old was like obsessed with the fact that they were being turned into movies.

I had notified. I had post notifications on for 50s of Grey fan accounts. Yeah. And in class, if I'd get a notification, I'd go to the bathroom and like a new little clip from the movie had been released. Yeah. And I'd sit there and watch it.

That is hilarious. Oh, my God. I was obsessed. Yeah. And the most bizarre part of it is that when I, when the movie came out, I couldn't see it by myself because I was 14. Uh-huh. And so my mom, her boyfriend at the time, who I hated and emotionally traumatized me,

um, me and Claudia all went to the, to a matinee, like in broad daylight. like to see this movie. Yeah. And we sat on different rows and watched the movie because me and Claudia both like were obsessed with it. But I mean, as a 14 year old girl, should you be obsessed with the idea of like the plot of 50 shades of gray? No.

But at the same time it also prevented me from ever like getting close to a guy. Yeah. Which I'm kind of grateful for because we all know how I feel about men. And not even just that though. But the thing is, is like I said, it's, it's, it's. funny because the older I've gotten, the more I understand your mindset, which is funny. I think I was just always ahead of my time. You were. You know, at the end of the day, you might, like I said, have less physical experience, but like mentally, I feel like you're just,

and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I think that it's, it's smart. When I think about it, I'm like, I'm grateful because I really, think about how much you prevent it for yourself. I know. I know. And like, I don't know. I just, I really do view myself very highly. And I, I, I have like a good perception of myself. And I didn't always have that. Like I've worked a lot on it the last two years. But I have gotten myself to a point where I'm like, okay, I value myself so much. I don't want to like be vulnerable with somebody who doesn't truly deserve to like get

to know me. Right. Or like see see me in like my most vulnerable moments. So I really am glad looking back on it. Like I'm glad I was always the way that I was. And it's funny because, like, the older that you all get, you get more like me. You stay at home. We watch movies.

You don't like, literally, I was like, people used to call me the loser. People used to call me the loser. I know, now we're all fucking weird introverts. Yep. That's true. And then I'm the one who's like trying to be more extroverted and going on medication. No, it's funny. So, yeah.

I'm happy that I have no regrets. Like, I definitely played it very safe. But also, I've just always been. like kind of afraid of boys. Like if I ever... For good reason. There's really like... I mean, I've met people, all different kinds of guys.

And there are some that I genuinely respect as people. And I don't think they're horrible people. Are they good boyfriends? No, but like, they're cool guys. But like... What are the fuck? Where do you come from? No, they're like, they're cool guys.

But would I... You know, do I think they're good boyfriends? No. And thinking about it, like now, And even just in general, like how much times have changed. Like with social media and everything, it's like, it is, I think it only gets harder to find someone who is authentic. And, you know, there's so many different qualities.

Like the fact that you're on social media. Would a guy understand that? Would he be okay with that? There's so many factors. That's the hard part is like finding somebody when you have this whole online presence and, like, they can go watch my YouTube channel and literally learn like so many things about me. I've talked a lot about myself on my YouTube channel. You're very open.

Yeah, extremely, extremely open. Like, that's like people who watch me. You basically do know. Absolutely. You. Most things about me. Yeah. You know me.

And so like, then I'm like, okay, if I met someone, they'd also have to be in this type of industry because they'd have to understand it. And I'd have to like kind of view them the same way that they view me. And, you know, it couldn't just be some, like, I have no idea how Ariana Grande is married to like a guy who, like just a normal guy. So he, right, he has nothing to. No. I think he has like, I don't know.

his Instagram bio says he's like a realtor, I think. Okay. But I'm like, you're Ariana Grande. You're the fucking biggest pop star in the world. Well, I do think that there, I definitely think there's a chance that you can meet someone who doesn't have anything to do with it, but is such a good accepting person that they are, they love to see your success. And they understand it.

Even though they might not do it, they genuinely want to understand it. Which is like nearly impossible to find. Oh, it is. Especially in a guy. Like, and I don't even saying that I like fully want to be with a guy. Like, honestly, I don't picture my mind. myself with a guy. I really don't because I just feel like so many of the things that I like crave in people and close connections is it comes down to like being a woman and like femininity and like

understanding that. And men at their core just can't understand that. Even if you grow up with sisters, even if you have a good relationship with your mom. Like at the end of the day, you're a man. Like you can take the best guy in the world and you can be a really good person. But like am I going to have a deep emotional connection with him. Right. I don't know because he's not going to be able to relate to me in the way that I would want a partner to. So like, I don't know.

And I just like, it's really hard for me to get close to a man. Yeah. Like, I just don't trust them. And automatically I'm like, so like, what are, what are you trying to get out of me? Right. Like, what do you want? And it's hard not to think those ways. I know.

Yeah. Also, like, I'm really in a true crime. So I'm like constantly listening to these horrible stories about men being horrible. and it's scary. Also another thing is like a man will never, never understand what it is like to be a woman and to be afraid of men. You can be a man and be afraid of men. I'm not saying that you can't do that, but you will never know the fear of what is like

to be a woman and walk around on the street or have a guy cat call you. We basically have no self-defense. Exactly. Exactly. Because it's terrifying. And like being brought up. as a girl. There's so many things that go into like being a woman that men try as they might. They will never fully understand. And that is like such a huge part of my personality.

Like just being a strong woman and feminism and and this and that. And like I appreciate men out there who are feminist and like openly tell people they're feminist. But like, I don't know. I just really have a hard time trusting guys. Unless it's somebody like Jesse who's dating my sister and like, I have, like, I've gotten to know him through him being my sister's boyfriend and like, he's a great guy. He's like, like a friend to me now. But like I never would have gotten to know him in any other way. Like I would have been like, no.

Right. Like I would have been completely closed off to it. Yeah. And people used to tell me like, oh, you're never going to meet someone that way. But I'm like, I don't care. I'm not going to open myself up to somebody and like tell them all of the stuff about me and and just like get close to them for them to just like. disappoint me because the last time it happened was when I had this last crush on this person.

And I was like just amazed that that's that this guy had not grossed me out after talking. I think I know exactly what you're talking. Yeah. And after talking to him for so long and I was like, oh my God, he makes me laugh. Like, ugh. And he said one thing, one single thing. And I'm very different than you. I think even I said it was a really stupid thing I said.

Yeah. Yeah. But I remember when I went to L.A. I was telling people about this. I was like, yeah, I had a really big crush on the sky. Because they'd be like, so? Like, do you have a love life? And I'm like, no.

And I would tell them about this. And I would tell them, he said, I had a crush on him. But I also hated the way that this crush made me feel. So I was like, almost waiting for him to say something to ruin it. And it went on for a year and a half without him ruining it. And even some little things he said, I would overlook it because I'm like, okay, I like, I like you. But he said this one misogynistic thing that was just so stupid. And I was like, ew.

I immediately lost all. feelings for him. Yeah. And I told people this when I was in LA and they were like, really? That's that's it? And I'm like, girl, what are you used to? Yeah. Like what do these girls let these guys get away with? I think the difference is too. I think it's all in how it's your mindset. Yeah. I think a lot of it is mindset. And I think that like I said, I've had experiences with so many different types of guys. Ones that are super dominant, ones that are super laid back. I like the laid back ones. You know what I mean? I think that that's just the kind of personality I need. But I know, I know, Exactly.

Even though I think you and I are so different in that way, I can absolutely relate. Because if somebody says one thing that rubs me the wrong way, it doesn't even matter what category it's in. If I think it's disrespectful to me as a person, me as a woman, my family, my pets, anything. You know how I am. Like, if you do that, my mindset's going to change me because I think mindset is so important. And I think it's normal and healthy for two different people to have two different views. I think that's fine.

But I think when somebody has a very strong opinion on something that I think strong opinion shouldn't be a thing. You know what I mean? And I just think it's all in how it's not always what you say. It's how you say it. But I think that I don't know. I just think mindset is key. And I think that, yeah, I think it's completely normal. I think if somebody says something that you think totally opposite about, it's going to rub you the wrong way.

And I think a lot of these girls are maybe they don't, maybe they don't have a big back, like a strong back. Yeah. Like they don't really care. what somebody else's mindset is. You're a person that how somebody thinks is important to you. And I know exactly what I want. Like I know exactly what to look for and what to avoid. And if you say something misogynistic to me, to me, like have you ever?

Right. And like have you met me? Like that is a huge part of my. Who you are. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone about me knows that. Like you say one misogynistic thing.

I'm literally going to hate you forever. Yeah. Unless you like obviously people can change. But this thing that he said was just so stupid. I literally sent it to my best friends. And I was like, guys. Well, he's done. Yeah.

I was like, guys. And he's just honestly so stupid because I'm honestly, after it ended, I was so glad because I was like, oh my God, I feel free. Like I'm not, I'm no longer like viewing myself through these man's eyes. Yeah. And I just now I'm at the point where like, I don't, I don't care. I don't care what people think. Like, because I, my whole life, I've just cared too much about what guys think of me.

And I think any girl can relate to that. you grow up being like, what will make a guy think I'm beautiful or like, I have to be willing and I have to be. I have to show like enough skin, but not too much skin so we doesn't think I'm a slut and this and that. And it's like, why the fuck do we care so much? Yeah. Be yourself.

Find out who you are. Be that person. And if a guy, the right person will come along and like all of the things about you that make you you. And I think too of what I was going to say is because that's so true and it's so easy for that to happen. But I do think even though it seems very hard and nearly impossible, when you find the right person, you won't even find yourself thinking those things. Because you'll kind of just

like have this feeling and know that this person accepts me in all of my forms, not just like when my hair looks a certain way or like I have to make sure I look a certain way. And like obviously as a woman, I think, oh, I feel like naturally we kind of have this vibe of like I want to look good because I'm either going out in public or because there's a guy I like. And I think, I think to a certain degree that's okay. But like you said, it's like it's important to, you know, view yourself how what you want to see. Yeah. Not what somebody else is going to see because then like you said, it almost becomes this, like, this dependence on, well, is he going to look at the story? Yeah. Like, I remember, and I've had that before where it's like you get ready and you post a story or you post

something and you're hoping that they're going to see it or what are they going to think if they see it. Oh my God. When I was in high school and I was obsessed with the high school guy. Yeah. I would keep my makeup on super late just so I could respond to his snaps chats. Yeah. And when I liked the middle school boy, we would FaceTime for hours, but I would never show my face. And I was like, where was the screen? I would just point it up the ceiling. Okay. And his little sister would come in and be like, why isn't she showing her face?

She's hiding. And I'd be like, because I'm fucking insecure. Wow, that's crazy. I know. So I've always, and also every crush I've ever had in a guy, which is, this is telling. But every crush I've ever had has been because they don't show me enough attention. So automatically in my mind, I'm like, okay. So if they do show me attention, it means like I'm doing something right.

Yeah. And like, if they compliment me, then it's like, it feels like a little treat. instead of somebody who's like, I really like you and like, I think you're beautiful, like constantly reminding you. Which is how it should be. I know. And I'm like, this is sick and I need to stop it. Like, I need to stop this cycle.

And ever since that person, it's been almost a year and I literally have not had a crush on a guy. And who fucking knows if I ever will again. I think you will. I think that you're just, like I said, and I respect this so much about you. You know what you want. And you are very cautious. But I think being cautious is important. And I just think that for you, it might take longer.

but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I know. I've gotten to a point where I'm like, everyone is always like, it will happen when it's supposed to. It will happen when it's supposed to. And I'm like, okay, yeah, but I just don't care anymore. Like I'm not looking. I'm just like, I'm focusing on myself.

I'm happy alone. Yeah, I'm fucking lonely sometimes. But like when I meet someone one day, if when, whatever, blah, blah, it will happen. I'm not thinking about it. Like. But what I, like, and here's just what I, and I've seen this for you forever, like, or what I would hope to see for you is that because you're waiting so long. And it's like, and not in a bit, like not by choice.

But I'm saying because it's like been a drawn out process and you've gone through all these things, which I think is important. I hope that when that person does come, that that's just it. I know. Because I almost feel like that's what, to me, that's what would make sense to you. Like I feel like you don't strike me as a person that should have to go through multiple things. Like why? To me, it doesn't even make sense.

I know. I literally feel like I have the mind of like a 45 year old woman because I have. Maybe you won't find someone until you're 40. God. Hopefully not. But that's what I see though. Like I don't see you going through more. I mean, honestly, I don't either.

Yeah, it's like even Claudia, even though Claudia is more, I would say more reserved than me in a certain degree, I still, to her I still saw, she was out there. You know, and we both were like doing our own thing and experimenting. But for you, I just would hope and I see somebody when they do come along, that's the right person, that that's just going to be it. Yeah. And there's no, I mean, honestly, that's what everybody hopes. It usually doesn't happen that way.

But I think because you've seen these relationships. around you, like your mom, your brother, your sister, me, like all of it. And you, you're honestly, it's like funny. It's like you kind of are like this person that's like taking it all in and her. I know, like an observer. Literally every detail. So it's like on top of these books you've read or like movies you've watched. You're just things that you've learned within yourself. You've also learned like from real life experiences. So you can see like, okay, maybe I should look out for this. Or like this is something I know I don't want. I've always had the outside perspective. Yeah. So like, yeah, I haven't been, like, have been had the experience firsthand.

but because you have the outside perspective, you're almost like, you're not biased. Right. So you see exactly how things unfold and you're not, you don't take part. I don't know. Like I've just seen so, I've been closely involved in so many relationships in my life, like my sisters and my moms. And I've always been like right front row seat watching everything go down, always a part of it. Like Claudia's ex-boyfriend was like an older brother to me.

I was so close with him at one point. Yeah. And we also lived in like a tiny house where like everyone heard everything and we were next to our neighbors. Like our rooms were next to each other. And we all shared a fucking bathroom. And so I've just always watched people and I've always like, I don't know. I feel I don't, I feel like not a ton of people have that same experience where you never have your own experiences. You're always just watching other people and you learn from other people instead of your own. And then combined with like, like reading books and watching movies.

Like I feel like I have a lot of experience, even though I technically don't. Yeah. And it's the thing is too, and like the way that I've always viewed you, which is like, it's always been funny to me, like how I view you because. And it's funny too because as close as I've been with Claudia, as long as I have. Like, and I feel like, and as you know, like when we talk, like, which isn't often, like when it's just me and you talking about like if I'm at your apartment, I'm the last one there and we talk.

It's like always for a long time. I know. And then if it's on FaceTime. I'll call you for one thing, but it like goes on forever. And it's like, like we were saying we both share, I feel like that raw openness and we like to talk and we like to really, I think understand. Like I think a lot of people can talk, but like they don't really care. But I feel like we like to psychoanalyze.

Exactly. And like understand it. But also like I feel like I've just always viewed you even when you were younger. Obviously beautiful. Obviously. Not trying to kiss your fucking ass. Oh, like no, but seriously. Just like so beautiful, so talented.

And like I think you, you know, your mom is the same way in that sense. I see that in both of you. But as I don't want to say inexperienced, I really, I don't know, like, it's funny because even when Brandon explains himself, like how he sees himself, I was like, I never saw him that way. And maybe it's, I'm biased because I loved Claudia and your mom and the whole family. But I always saw you as just this like such a talented, amazing person. Like I felt like what you did, like you not going out for relationships like or whatever,

like not living the way Claudia and I decided to in high school. That was like, that was just your choice. I know. It always made sense. Like to me, that was just you. Like, that made sense to me. So I never viewed you. Like, I feel like from an outside perspective, some people are like, oh, Kennedy, the introvert, like, all this stuff.

And it's like, and I get that. And I feel like you, those are some of your characteristics. But like, you have all these other things that like, to me, I just like see you on such a high pedestal because it's like, okay. So because, you know, and I think this is a misconception, because people have all of this experience that does that make them like, more found smarter person? Absolutely not. Like you, you might not have experience

in the same way as somebody else, but like you have this talent that you pour into shit and it's so like it's insane. And I've told you like I am the farthest thing from a talented individual. But like I. Kennedy,

talent comes in different. It comes in different way. I'm talking like your type of talent. Like I wish I can't even write. I remember Claudia could always do bubble letters. I could never do bubble letters. I can't do shit. But no, like I remember like what even when you started YouTube,

it wasn't, that was the thing. It's like you didn't just start a YouTube channel. Like you were and maybe like the first couple of videos, but like I remember when you would do the the acting ones and like pour all this time and effort. I was like this is if somebody doesn't see this and pick her up. Like it's just insane to me because it's like it takes so much like special talent and a special brain in person to be able to do that. So it's like I don't know. I just never saw you. I never defined you by like your lack of experience with guys. I know. I know. I know. Never. something that I kind of saw myself the same way. Like I used to feel weird about it because, you know, it's the normal thing for you get older and you start having all this sex and you get into relationships. But I'm like, honestly, it's the most irrelevant part of life. Also, like, I'm very comfortable talking about sex and talk and like I'm comfortable with my body. Like, you're actually so fun to talk to about it because you're intrigued by it. You know, like, you tell a friend like, oh, I did this, this and this with their guy. They're like,

oh, really? Like, and they don't ask details, but like you, I'll tell you. And you're like, wait, tell me more. And it's so fun. tell you. I've always been like that. I've always found like sex very fascinating. And I've never, like it's never been a weird topic from me. I don't know. Like I knew what sex was when I was two years old. Right. Like I would, I would, did not have a sheltered childhood. I. And so I don't think you need to like have all this experience to to know stuff about sex and like know what you want. And like, I don't know. I think so many people just like have sex and do sexual things just because, because they feel like that's what they should be doing.

Yeah. And I'm like, too many people don't actually do what they want to do. And like I've said, I've just always known exactly what I want. So I'm like, if I don't want something, why am I going to like pursue it? Right. Like I know. I have high expectations. I used to think that was a curse, but it's not, it's a blessing.

And I'm going to stay like that forever. And they're probably only going to get higher. Right. And as it should. It's just, it's just crazy to me. Like it's just how I feel like in general, society. And this, it's been like this way before even our time.

It's just like, though, even when you watch older movies, they were so even honestly, I think in some ways more sexualized. Oh my God, they were. Like, Brayden and I were watching older movies and they're flashing tits. I'm like, this is insane. Like I know, it was not not allowed, but it's, I know like some shows like euphoria. It's more like that. But like the funny ones, you know, like the older funny ones that are hilarious.

It just, it was so different. And I just think that for the normal person, it almost like puts that thought in your well, if they're doing it and it's like publicized on TV, like I should be doing it. Yeah. You know, so it just, it is crazy. But I do almost think the fact that you didn't take that route and didn't do the norm, it like led you to being so creative in a way and like being able to pour yourself. Because I was always focusing on myself.

Right. I was never focusing on somebody else. Never drew attention away from myself. And I think that's why I've gotten to the point in my life where I am at currently because I know myself so well. I'm extremely self-aware. I literally had a therapist tell me like, you're really self-aware. Which is the most important thing.

Yeah. Even if everybody's going to fuck up. But if you're self-aware, like, Brandon says that too all the time to me. He's like, yeah, like, it wasn't right that you did that. But I am glad that you're self-aware. Because a lot of people just aren't. That's the most important thing. Like, if you're going to have people in your life that want to stay there, you've got to be

self-aware because it's annoying. Somebody doesn't realize when they're doing something. And I don't know. I just, I've always just been, like I've always invested so much time in myself and doing what I want to do and everything, all my health issues, like they made me, I don't want to say selfish, but they made me put myself first. Yeah. And I think more people need to do that. Yeah. I've never been a people pleaser. Like I don't, I don't, like I couldn't. Like I have to put myself first. And because of that, like, I'm happy. Like, I've made myself happy. And you're never going to be happy if you're

putting everyone else before yourself and putting other people's emotions before your own. Right. Like you just you kind of have to be selfish sometimes. Absolutely. And I've learned everything that I've learned by focusing on myself. And I think too like, and I was going to say this earlier when we were talking about the anxiety thing, but I think in the way that we might be similar is that because we both have always had a similar kind of outlook with like in a sense, like dependence on family and like dependence on like doing everything you can basically not to feel any type of like anxiousness. Like I remember growing up and always thinking like how am I. ever going to have a real job? Like a job where you have to go, maybe like be in meetings and like,

because I'd always have diarrhea, like literally. And I was like, and the urge would be like run to the bathroom. And I remember thinking like that was like a fear of mine. Like when I get older and I need to like, I have this responsibility where like I'm not at school and I can't have like get picked up or go to the nurse's office. Like more responsibility. And I remember not even knowing how I'm going to do it. Like when I used to want to be in the FBI and I think about the responsibility of like having to travel and like beyond possibly be on these crime scenes and like mentally I wanted to do it so bad like it interests me but like I was like what about my anxiety and my stomach issues like am I actually going to be able to do this and it's the thing is which I wanted to ask you is do you think which I'm

sure you do because you do it but like that the fact that you were able to go the social media route it's like you have that security of like if something were to happen where you felt sick it's almost like you don't have that responsibility to be somewhere because like that's how I felt and I was even thinking about it like with the whole. whole podcasting. It's like, yeah, I still have a responsibility to sit here and do a do my job. But it's like at least like if I got to take a shit. Yeah.

I go in my bathroom. I feel like that. Well, for me, your stomach issues are a lot more random. Yeah, that's true. I'm like, I'm either having a flare up and I can't get out of my bed or I'm fine. And like I've gotten so used to having a stomach ache and having gas, horrible gas pains while like having a conversation with someone. I'll be like dying.

Do you feel that like flush feeling like that feeling where you like if you're having a conversation with somebody and you start getting like a bad stomachache. Do you feel like nauseous panic attack? Like I got to get out? No, because that's how I get. I'm so used to it. Okay.

So you have more control over it. It's like it's almost like how when people come to my apartment, there's like so many like police sirens and honking and they're like, Jesus. And I'm like, oh, I didn't even hear it. Like I'm so used to it. Right. Okay. It's like that.

We're like, I'm so used to it. Right. Like if my stomach hurts, it's like, oh, my stomach hurts. Like if I'm in an immense pain, I'm like, unless it's like horrible and I literally can get out of bed. Like, I'm just, I'm so. used to it. I almost don't even know what normal would feel like. I get horrible gas pains, like almost every night. Yeah. And that also makes me anxious about like sleeping in the same bed

as someone. Right. And I have to like fucking hold in my farts. I mean, girls don't fart. But like, I mean, I'm the same way. As long as I've, you know, Brad and I are coming up on two years and I still, I don't fart and I will not shit in the same room as him. And if we're on vacation, like, I literally ask him to go out on the balcony. That's what I would do. downstairs into like the lobby bathroom because I don't I don't know it's like that's always been something not really an insecurity but something that I I want to deal with it on my own I can't I literally can't fart in front of somebody unless my mom like I can my mom's like see me do everything she's seen me at my very worst yeah so like I don't I will never feel judged by her

but it's not even the fear of being judged it's like I don't want somebody to like see me that way right for sure I want to be this like pretty soft feminine girl like doesn't do that even though I have like these violent shits bounce in the fucking bathroom where my toes are clenched. I'm like, oh my God. Yeah, and you're holding both fucking sides of the toilet seat like in agony. I have one hand on the, um, what's it called? The toilet paper holder. Yes. Oh, it's hard. I've had that a few times. Sometimes I will literally, this is so bugged. No, I think I know what you're saying. I will literally, I don't do you? I don't know. I will literally scratch my own stomach. Like I'll dig my nails into my stomach to distract me from the pain. I know what you're talking about. I'll dig my nails into my thigh or something,

but I was going to say sometimes when my. I was going to say sometimes when my stomach hurts so bad. And it's like I, you know, when the pain is so bad, this is like going to be the best part of the shit talk. No, but like when the pain is so bad and you're like, you know, you have to explode, but it's not there at the asshole yet. I will literally push on my stomach to hopefully like pull, like push it out because it hurts so back. Yeah.

It hurts. But yeah, like that's always been like my fucking most annoying thing about myself. But I feel like now, like I was saying the fact that I'm able, which I would have never thought that I'd be on this path. But the fact that I'm able to have a job where, like, it's in my own house. And, like, I can do it all in my time and flexibility, which I think like. Oh my God, I think the universe was really looking out for me because I, when I would think about going to college, I was like, I'm not going to be able to live in a dorm.

Like, I'm not going to be able to be able to, like, there's no way. I'm not going to be able to do a communal bathroom. Like, that's just, that can't happen. I literally, when I was in high school, I would, I had a nurse's pass where anytime, like, I felt like I was going to shit myself, I could go to the nurse. and use her private bathroom. She had like two private bathrooms. Yeah, I would be there a lot too.

It was really nice. Those were the best bathrooms in school. I would literally go there and she'd be like, hi, and I'd be like, I gotta use your bathroom. Right, because it would actually, it was a one stall, like a one thing. Yeah, it was just shut the door. Yeah, I always did that too. And I would literally, God, God, God bless that nurse's bathroom because she was sweet. There was two of them, I think, at one point.

Yeah, I think I don't remember, but whoever it was, I liked her. Yeah. And I could, oh, I could get up and leave class. whenever I wanted. I had a pass to do that. Because like how teachers are like, oh, you can't go to the bathroom right now. I know they were the worst. Why the fuck do teachers do that?

Because they're assholes. How do you want to stop somebody from going to the bathroom? Even if they're going to go use their phone. It's not your business. A teacher said it to me once when I had to pee my pan, like pee so bad. And she's like, no, you can't go. You just went. Because like when I drink a lot of water, I have to pee all the time.

And I was like, if you don't let me go, I'm going to piss on your floor. Like I literally said that. I was so angry. And I think she ignored me. So I just got up and went. See, that's a different. That is the main difference between you and me is you have a very easy time speaking your mind and speaking up for yourself.

It's not always the best, but you know. Well, yeah, but I always would. You'd probably hold your pee in. Yeah, I would have held my P and got a UTI. Like I, I've tried to really work on it and like I have learned from experiences that have made me angry because I'm like, why didn't I fucking speak up for myself? But I've always envy that about you and how you just like. Say it.

had no problem with it because for me, I hate confrontation. And I am like terrified to, especially if it's somebody older than me. Like I was terrified of my teachers. Yeah. I had to meet one of my teachers who I literally was attracted to after school at the beginning of the year. And I had to tell him because he like got mad at me because I was always late to his class. It was because of my stomach.

And he was like, you can't be late. Like you can't be late this much. And I told my mom about it. She's like, you need to say something to him. So afterwards, I planned to go to him after school. I was shaking so bad when I was talking to him. I was like, and I was like tearing up. I was like,

so like the reason I'm late to your class a lot of time is because I have an autoimmune disorder and my stomach really acts up. And he was like, oh, okay. He probably saw him like, I'm like shaking with tears my eyes. Right. And I walked out there and I was like, Jesus Christ. Well, then there was me when I'd be cussing in the back of the class with the other kids. And the teacher said to me, DeVora, stop cussing.

If you do one more time, you're going to go to, I'm going to give you detention. You know what I did? I looked at her and I said, fuck. and attention is what I got. I was bad. Like I've actually, believe it or not, becomes so much better.

But like I was a bad fucking kid. And like that is, I think the main, one of the main differences between us is like, I just, you know, had that like, but I would have looked at girls like you and been like,

why can't I be more like that? Like I'm like overthink everything. I'm so scared and, right. And now I feel like I've gotten better. Yeah. Speaking my mind and like speaking up for myself. But yeah.

I was, I was quite a. fucking terrified kid. Yeah. And then as far as like college one, did you ever want to go or you just, it was never like a thought. I never applied to any colleges. I thought if I do go to college, it's going to be, it was going to be the one, the local one. Yeah. And but I just, I didn't like, I never had anything that I wanted to go to college for. I was like, no like desire. No, I didn't even want the college experience. I was like, I don't want to do that. And, and then I feel like I just kind of got lucky with timing. And I feel like that's always been my case. Like I have just trusted the universe

and said everything happens for a reason. And timing has always worked out for me. And the first video I posted on YouTube was my prom blog. I was so excited to make it. Like it was so much fun for me. I used to use Brandon's laptop to edit when he wasn't using it. And, um, and like everyone was like, all my friends were excited to see it. And then my third video ended up taking off. Got a million views. And I was like... Which one was that? Do you remember what you was?

It was... I let guys on Tinder pick my makeup. Okay. And it was kind of like a little trend that was going around. And normally I would... I have always been like a huge YouTube lover. Yeah.

And normally when I would see a trend going around, I'd be like, I wish I could do that. Or like pretend to do it in my mirror. Yeah. And then I was like, oh my God, I can. So I literally went into Claudia's room, took the camera, set it up and did it. And then I like was so happy with the video.

And I remember... I remember it had like 11K views. And my other videos at this point, and had like 1K views. And I remember it just was like going up exponentially. And I was sitting on my couch and I was like, I was looking at Brandon and I was like, what is happening? Yeah.

I was like, oh my God. People are watching this. And then I started getting hate comments. Right. And I was like, oh my God. Like it was. I'm famous. It was so, it was so weird.

But you kind of had like a following already because of like the face paint stuff that you were doing. Like a very, very small one. So it really was like straight up from the bottom. Yeah. It was essentially from scratch. Okay. But I think it was just a mixture of luck in the right place, right time.

And I just had wanted to do it for so long. I would literally sit in front of my mirror for hours, pretend to film a video. So I think I like unintentionally manifested it. And you're also the perfect person for it. Like you're someone that it's like you didn't care for the outside world. No. So it's like let's do everything I can with myself on a camera. I've always like lived in my head.

And I always have felt comfortable in front of a camera. Even when I was like a fucking three year old, I would like. love being filmed. Yeah. And I like, I never have, and like you said, I'm very open. So I never have a problem talking about like deep topics or anything. Which is important because that's what makes you so relatable. Yeah, exactly. And I, and when I saw these people that related to me, I was like, oh my God, I'm not a freak. Yeah. Like there's other people who are like me. Right. And yeah, from there, it just like I, I remember posting like three videos a week. And it was weird at first because my best friend was in college. She was having a completely different experience.

and just like drowning and work and stuff. And I'm like having the fucking time of my life over here, busting out videos, like loving, reading comments and, and just like, I wasn't even viewing. I was just like, oh my God, this is, I'm living out my dream. I was just so happy at 18.

And then I got depressed. Right. And I think for the, like, honestly, I mean, anybody knows this that does anything on social media. When you first start, you have all these ideas. And I remember like even you sometimes posting that like, well, obviously originally when you start, you had these ideas and then you'd go through points we're like you didn't really have any ideas

anymore and then I feel like then you'd have another like creative like burst. Yeah and that really that really got to me too because I loved having creative video ideas. I was like I don't want to do dumb ideas. I want to have like my videos have a different feel to them and I came up with a lot of creative ideas that I'm still very proud of and it just became such a struggle after like three years of doing it that I just had this full on breakdown and this was last. year, last year. When I remember, it was like right after I cut bangs too, which is just ironic. But I just had like the worst depressive episode I'd ever had.

And I was completely alone this time because I was in my apartment. Right. And it just kind of changed as like hard as it was to get through. It changed the way I viewed YouTube and my life and growing up. And I feel like because I went through all those breakdowns, like it only made me stronger. Yeah. Like it didn't, I would come out of it being like, you like wallow in your depressed depression enough. You get to a point where you're like, okay, I can either like let this consume me or I can get myself out of it and figure out like what I need to do and I would always get myself out of it.

So yeah, that was definitely a turning point for me. And now it's like with my channel, I post whenever I want. I'm taking that kind of pressure off myself of like you need to be getting this amount of views and and you need to be having like a very interesting title and thumbnail and ball. blah. Now it's like I film over the course of like a month and then I throw the video together and I really like it. And it's like it's you now. Yeah, exactly. It's like what you're like transformed. And I think too, things are different than when you started. Like now TikTok is a big thing. And I feel like obviously you're I'm incredible at that. Like the, you know, the costumes and just the things that you there's something I can't, I really can't trust this enough and I don't even

know what it is. Like as far as when you don't even have to talk to be like aesthetic to watch. like you're fucking blow drying videos and it's funny because these are like I thought you about to say blow job No no like and I didn't grow up like really as someone that was into YouTube I really never like cared for it whereas like you and Claudia did and you like loved it so it's like funny to me when even with Claudia's the same way like I'm not into the organizing videos but maybe once again I might be biased but like when it comes up like you both are good at like making something really easy to watch like even if you aren't talking or showing even just who you are but the ones that you know. are incredible or just like when you when you pour your talent into what you do it is not like you can see it like it does not go unnoticed it's I think that's why you're so good at it and I think that you're all even if you've had these kind of like moments of depression or confusion which is totally normal which like I think once again you have been extremely open about open about you always kind of find a way to like change what you're doing to who you're becoming which is

amazing. Like I said, times are different. Now you're on TikTok also. And it's like... And I was 18 when I started this whole thing and I'm 22 going on 23. Like your mind changes so much even within the course of like a day sometimes. Yeah. Anything. One thing can happen that can just change it all. But I just think in general like I think you everything that you do, you do it in the perfect way to yourself. Because a lot of people, they just kind of and because it's hard. A lot of people don't have natural talent. So they'll try to pick something up, pick up a camera and do stuff. And maybe they're good at it. but nothing really like they don't have that that part of them. I think too many people have the mindset of like, I want to get famous.

I want to get followers. And they don't really love what they're doing in the sense too. Yeah. It's like if the passion isn't there, people are going to see that. You're just going to be one of millions. Like that's not going to set you apart. To anyone trying to start like my biggest piece of advice would be only do it if it's, it's something that you really love that you're really passionate about. Like don't do it because you're passionate about having tons of followers.

and like moving to LA and being friends with famous people. Like that's also it's like it's not going to be fulfilling. And it's not ever what nothing's ever. No. No. And also I think you're a perfect example of like everything you're saying. It's not even like you're just saying it because it's like you're a person that's like you did it because it literally brought you joy.

Like you know what I mean? It became. I feel like or it started as a hobby and it was stayed that of course like you're going to with anything you do that even if it is a hobby, if it is somewhat your job. like it's going to become a responsibility and you're going to have struggles and obstacles. If you didn't, you wouldn't grow and you wouldn't learn from it. But I think that like you said, the most important thing is to always have it be something that you love.

And like you, I think are a perfect example of like that is how it started. And I think the reason why you've had obstacles is because you've always wanted it to stay that way, which is really important because if not why do it. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think in order to be happy, you got to be doing things that bring you joy. And if you're doing a bunch of stuff every day, that makes you miserable. Yeah.

Like so many people working jobs that make them miserable. Like you have to, you have to make that change. You have to decide, I don't want to keep living like this. Right. You have to care enough about yourself. Exactly. You have to put yourself first and you have to just, I don't know. I just feel like I don't agree to things that I don't think will bring me joy.

I don't, I won't do anything that I'm like, do I really want to do this? No, like even hanging out with someone. Right. Like if I don't want to do something. Like, why put your, exactly. I'm not going to, I'm not going to force myself to go be social if I don't feel like it. I'm not going to hang out with somebody. If I don't actually care to get to know this person.

Like so much stuff that people do is just, is there really a point to it? No. Is it making you happy? No. So figure out what does make you happy and try to do more of that. There you go. That's the quote. No, but seriously, like that it's very true.

And I think that, you know, it's, it's really amazing to see like all the people that have connected to you. And it's, I think my main thing is, and I think I'm a really good example of this, is that even if someone isn't like you, you are still so relatable. Like, even though you and I are not alike in the way we might have done high school or like grown up in general, like personality wise, you're still such like a comfort person. Even like, I know it sounds funny, but even like you're what we were saying about your apartment, like everything about you and your aesthetic is just very comforting to people. Don't cry. Okay. But no, it is. And I think that it doesn't, I think that's why you do so well because it doesn't matter, you know, what kind of person is looking

at you or watching. It's like, it's hard not to like you. Like there's nothing about you that, like, I'm kissing your ass on me, but it's like, no, it's like, what do I say to this? Thank you? No, but it's, I just wanted to be like, I want you to know that like, you know, I think there are a good amount of people that watch you because it's like people like to see what you do.

You know, people like Kennedy, they want to see what kind of, I got, I got a boring old life. Yeah, like, but no, it's just, I think in general who you are as a person is just, it's a, it's enjoying to watch. You know what I mean? And I think anybody can watch my fucking grandma watches you. So like you got a big age range there. But no, I just think in general. I know.

I love when I'll get comments from like older men and even older women and even men sometimes who will say really nice things. And I'm like it literally warms my heart so much. No, it does. And it shows a lot about you. It shows the kind of people that you can, you know, you gain their attention. It's like the people you can connect to. It's people that you wouldn't even imagine.

Yeah. And it's incredible. And I think that that's why, you know, you are such a special person. to the people that like genuinely even just like on like off camera you know what I mean in your real life like the people in your life like you connect to so many people and then even online so I think that's why you are just such a bright light. Seriously like it's just I think that's it's incredible and I think everything that you you know in your personal life and on social media it's just it's inspiring to a lot of people and I think

like you said the most important thing is that everybody stays true to themselves even that isn't in the social media world. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And sometimes it's okay to be lonely. Absolutely. You're also a great example. That read your books.

Well, like, if you seriously need help, please reach out to somebody. But, like, I'm talking about, like, lonely in a romantic sense. Yeah. You don't have to be in a relationship or be talking to somebody to be happy. And one day, you'll find your person. Yeah. Until then. Yep.

She's good. I'm living my life. Yeah. But seriously, thank you so much for coming on. Of course. ever guess. I know. Very exciting, but I love you.

Love you too. M-hmm.