We're All Insane - Molested by her Brother

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

Guest Lexie, shares the harrowing story of the assault she experienced at the hands of her own brother. Lexie opens up about the traumatic experiences she endured within her own family. Her story is a searing account of the deep emotional wounds inflicted upon her by someone she should have been able to trust, and her journey towards healing and reclamation. If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, my name is Lexi and I was molested by my older brother. When I was born, I was born along with my other siblings. So there's six of us born from my birth mother. All six of us were born with drugs in our system. I was born with cocaine and heroin. We all kind of spent around the same time getting weaned off of it. Like I was in for about three months after I was born. And then immediately after that, I think I was put into the foster care. But luckily I did

have my maternal grandmother who did adopt me along with two of my other siblings. And how long were you in the foster care for? I don't think too long. I think maybe a few months. Because they were trying to get me out of the foster care because my other sister, my older sister, she wasn't adopted by my maternal grandmother. She was adopted by another family. But in between that, when she was in foster care, she was drugged and molested all at the age of like three, four years old.

Wow. So because of that, they tried to keep us as long as possible in their care. But yeah. So there's only three of us that were adopted by my maternal grandmother. I was the youngest. and then I was the youngest out of 10. So all the older siblings from, I want to say, maybe 30 years old by the time I was born.

So it's a really big age gap. And they always, they were always really, really nice, like to me at least. They treated me like their own sister and everything, even though they knew that I was their sister's daughter. I didn't know at the time though growing up that one of those siblings was my birth mother. I didn't, I've never met her if she was only ever mentioned a few times. So I didn't really know much. I just kind of thought she was just another sibling because we have a couple siblings.

Okay, so explain this to me. Okay. Just so I'm on the same page. So there was 10 siblings total and how many were from? So there were three adopted. Okay. And then the other seven were my maternal grandmother's biological children. Got it.

Mm-hmm. And then your mom. Yeah, my birth mom was one of her daughters. Got it. Okay. She was one of the, she was her second daughter. But you, but at the time, you didn't know. No.

Okay. Like all I knew was my maternal grandmother. I call her my mom. I'm not, I'm not going to refer to my birth mom as my mom because I don't know her like that. Right. But she took in all of us. She tried to take it like all six of us, but it got so complicated because all of us had trauma from things and we would act out. So it was kind of wishy-washy on who was staying with her and who had to be put with another family. Growing up, I would say around six, seven years old, one of my older brothers,

He started to touch me and it escalated into him molesting me. It went on for a few years until I was like 10, 11 years old. And he was also living with you guys. Yeah. Okay. He was my actual brother, like my biological brother. He, I didn't know at the time what he was doing was wrong. I thought it was fine because he would.

make me do things for him in exchange for him playing with me or if I wanted to go to the park or something I would need to do something for him for him to come play with me um since it was us three really at the house all the other siblings were out of the house at that time um my older sister she was in and out of the hospital like for behavioral problems and like mental issues so I was never really fond to play with her. But I did look up to my brother. I always thought he was just this cool kid. Everyone knew who he was, so I looked up to him. But then eventually, my mom, she did end up catching him in the act one night. I remember we were downstairs. We were on the couch. So this would happen in front of people. No one, like in front of the

family, even when we would go on vacation and stuff. he would do it in front of them without anyone knowing. We would be on the couch with a blanket over us, and he would have his foot in my private part, and then he would make me do the same for him, and it would get to the point where then our bottoms would come off, and it would be like that. So I just blows my mind that this happened in front of my family

and no one really noticed, especially with our background, of this is a cycle that's been happening. My older sister, the one that I live with, she was molested by one of my eldest brothers and then one of my other brothers that's with the six of us. So one of the older ones that was my mom's biological kids.

So I knew of that. I didn't really know the length of it, what it meant. He was not a good guy to stay away from him. So people, like your grandmother, did she know about that? Yeah. Okay. She, I remember they went to court and stuff about it.

They did press charges against him. Okay. But he also, the older brother, he molested my birth mother, which was his little sister. So it's just. It was like a pattern. Yeah. Yeah. And my two older brothers, my biological brothers, they were molested by that eldest brother too. So it kind of just seemed like it just kept happening. And when it happened to me, it was like it just felt like a secret.

Like no one else in my family knew except the people who lived in the house at that time, which was me, my mom, my dad, my sister, and my brother. And so I kind of just kept it that way. So was your dad your grandfather? Yes. Not biologically, though. Okay. So my mom was married before him, and that would be my birth mother's biological dad. Okay.

But he's in jail somewhere in Arizona. Okay. But, yeah, it kind of, I think he's in jail for a child molestation. He's serving, like, the longest sentence. So basically it seems like most of your siblings were molested in some way. Yeah. Okay. So when it came to me and this happened, I wish I could ask my mom this, but she's not here anymore.

But that night when she caught him in the act, she asked me what I wanted to happen to him. Like, did I want him to go to jail? What consequences? And I still looked up to him at that point. I didn't think, I was in shock, like I didn't know this was bad. So I told her, I didn't want anything to happen to him. And I didn't know that was going to be what she did. She didn't do anything about it.

I think they might have took him to the police station to scare him or something. And how old was he? I was seven. So he would have been around maybe like 15. Okay. And then your biological mother, after she had you, where did she go? Do you know? Did she just kind of?

She kind of just went back onto the streets. Okay. So she was homeless. She was a drug addict. She did prostitution to afford the drugs. So that's kind of where she didn't really care about us at first. Okay. There was a point.

I remember my mom telling us that she was trying to. get sober to try and be in contact with us, but that never happened, so we never met her. Did she have a relationship with your grandmother at all? I think so. As far as I know, she struggled a lot with her. Like, she did everything she could to go against my mom. Like, she kept having us kids because my mom told her, like, you got to get fixed or something. if you're going to keep doing this

because I'm not going to keep taking care of your kids. And she just kept popping out kids just to be like, fuck you. Yeah. So that was kind of their relationship. Got it. Like she looked out for her, but she wasn't. They weren't close or anything like that. Okay.

But yeah, that actually, that's how she died was prostituting. She was in Chicago, the south side of Chicago. And she was with her boyfriend at the time, and they got into a fight, and he pushed her out the three-story building, like the window, and held her by her feet outside the window while she screamed and everything. And then he just dropped her, and she landed on her head, and she died. So I remember my mom telling me that. She, like, pulled us three adopted kids outside, and she was, like, telling us, hey, so, like, you. You guys know you're adopted and everything. We're like, yeah.

And she was like, well, your birth mother had passed. She was murdered. She didn't really give much details at that point. But I just remember thinking I thought she was already dead because no one ever talked about her. I just knew she did drugs. She had a bad lifestyle. And technically to you, it's almost like she was because she wasn't there.

Yeah. I didn't know her. No one ever really talked about her. So she didn't have an impression on any of us. But my two older siblings were hysterical. They were, like, they were angry, they were sad. They, like, every time her birthday comes around, they, I just don't understand how they can feel that. Do you think that they had any type of, like, relationship with her?

No, because they never met her. Well, my older brother, I think he was with her as a baby. Okay. But I don't think he would remember that. Interesting. But my, so my three older siblings. us adopted ones. They were with her after birth for like a couple years,

and then she started to get back into it, I think, and then they had to be given to my mom or a different family. Okay. So I grew up with the boomers raising me, so I have that very old soul kind of growing up style. Yeah. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime. the podcast. Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines as well as those

that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops and neither do we. Listen to true crime news available now wherever you get your podcasts. So after your mom, Grandma. I'm saying that just so people understand, so they don't get confused. Caught your brother in the act, she had asked you if you wanted to press charges, right? Yes, she asked me if I wanted him to go to jail.

And you said no. I said no. And they took him just to kind of scare him? I think so. I think they took him to the police station to either file a report or to just scare him. I talked to my dad about this a couple weeks ago, just to, like, clarify. some things. But he's old now and he has

a really bad memory so I don't really know if he actually remembers. That's what he told me. And nothing really came of it? No. Did it happen again? After that, no. We started to go to therapy. So us three kids, they adopted ones. We all went to therapy

while one of us was getting one-on-one therapy. The other two were doing family therapy. So they were trying to figure out a way we could all live together without anything happening, mainly towards my brother. But then as we got older, it became he started to get into trouble. So he would be in and out of the house. So he kind of just like redirected it, it seems. But it never happened again. And that was just like maybe they, so you think the therapy really helped?

I don't know. if it helped to be honest. Yeah. Maybe he just, I don't know. I don't know why he did that. Was it because it happened to him? Right. So he thought it was okay and that's why he did it?

Or was he like, did he crave something that he? I think it's like sometimes it could be a mix of a lot of things. Yeah. Especially too with all that like trauma and there's no sense of stability and knowing right from wrong. I think too. And also if it's something that's been done or even if he had seen it being done, right? Like you said, like he might not have known that this wasn't normal or this was wrong.

And I think, too, in a twisted way, it might have been a sense of comfort, you know, just because it's like that was never there. And it's sad because it's obviously we know it's wrong. But in that kind of situation, when you have that sort of upbringing and confusion and abuse from such a young age. It's like, how are you supposed to know? You know what I mean? You kind of do what you're taught, unfortunately, nine times out of ten.

So. He saw it happen to my sister. So I knew he knew at least a little bit that it was wrong. Right. Because he saw the consequences that happened to my older brothers. So I don't know. How, so you said that went on for a few years? Mm-hmm.

And do you feel that there was a impact on you from that? Yeah. Like, was it hard for you to kind of get past that? At first, I just kind of like pushed it aside. No one talked about it. So I just thought, okay, it didn't happen. And so I just kind of went on with life like that. But it did affect my, like, teenage years, I would say,

because I was, like, introduced to sex and stuff like that at such a young age. My, I started to crave it when I became, like, middle school, like, seventh grade, eighth grade. So I started to be, like, I wanted to have sex at the age of, like, what age are you in seventh grade? Like, 12. Yeah. And so, and it was, like, really, really high libido at that point. And it went on. I have nothing.

Like I don't, I have no interest in anything sex related. Right. So my sister told me that's because I had that like really high moment. And now I'm in my lows of I don't want it. But. And was it something that you discussed with your therapist over time? Yeah. Yeah.

They, I've learned a lot of therapists. A few of them would just because they were like family therapists. They knew our family. They knew our history. They tried to make it like, we know he did this. We know it was bad, but he's your brother. And you guys are going to have to learn to move on and get along with this. So that's kind of where it stood. Like I just kind of was like, okay. Whenever I wouldn't, I was never left home alone with him after that. My mom always made sure I was with her out with a friend or something. But then as I got older and he was getting in trouble, he was on house arrest. So he had to be at the home all the time. He couldn't leave. So at that point, I think I made up

every excuse to just not be home. Did your mom ever talk to, like try to sit down and talk to you about what had happened or, no? Not that I can remember. Yeah. I don't want to say she was ashamed. I just think she was, she was tired. She was beaten down. She, like, I was her baby girl. I think it was the fact that this happened again to me. Like, what, she might have thought, like, what is she doing wrong? Like, what happened?

So I knew it wasn't anything malicious in, like, her trying to keep it a secret. I just think it was, she didn't want people to look down on her as a mother. And it's a lot, too. And I think that not everybody knows exactly what way to go about dealing with certain situations or talking about it. And you were still young. So it's like, what do you really say? Are you okay?

You know what I mean? So it's unfortunate. But yeah, that's not. It's crazy to me that I feel like it was such a cycle that it happened to so many of your siblings. Yeah. As well. I think the only sibling, it didn't have. happened to would be my little brother. He was adopted by a different family. He grew up in Missouri.

I just met him a few years ago. He just turned 18 and I remember reaching out to him just being like, hey, and we had this conversation. He thought I was like flirting with him at first. I was like, oh, I hate to break it to you, but like we're related. And he was like, what? And I was like, you know you're adopted, right? He was like, yeah, but I didn't know I had siblings. So, Me and him are very close. We are alike so much. Out of us siblings, me and him are the most alike. That's great.

He hasn't met my brothers, though. My sisters think it's the best to keep him away from them. So then he doesn't not get influenced, but like there's no reason for them to meet him. Yeah. Do you have a relationship with your other siblings as well? Yeah. I have with my sister. I live with my older sister.

She made a promise to my mom after she died that she would take care of me. So I had moved out of the house and I moved in with her. My other sister, I talk to, I hang out with her sometimes. My older siblings, I see them every once in a while. I see one of my brothers the most because he lives with my dad. He took over the house after my mom died. So I see him the most. I have the closest relationship.

with him. But the older siblings, I can't remember the last time I talked to them. And you don't talk to the other brother that... Oh, no. Okay. I don't think I've ever said a word to him. Okay. After my birth mom was killed, we had to go to court and do, like, the whole trier and everything, and he was there. I didn't know he was there. I didn't know what he looked like. but I just remember like this man coming up to me

and you have to be very, very quiet in the courtroom. So I wasn't going to like scooge over anything. I just thought he was like coming. I don't know what I thought. But then my sister grabs me and she's like pushing me. She's like, no. She looks at him and dad in the eyes. She's like, no.

And he like walks away. I don't know if he was trying to come talk to me or her or what, but she made it very clear that he was not allowed to speak to us. Right. And that's when I figured out that that was. him and I was like oh well it made sense because that was his little sister so it makes sense that he was there right I just kind of forgot about him so actually at the trial I learned that um the guy that killed her had previously kind of almost done the same thing with a couple of other women

in the sense of he hung this woman out the side of his car like out of the window So she was completely naked and she was screaming for help and he was like driving. And then the next woman, I think he like kept beating her on the ground and stuff. They were there at the trial. We got to meet them because they did like a testimony against him, a witness statement. But that was a big shocker to me because I didn't really understand. I knew she was killed. I didn't think this guy was like this dangerous man.

I just thought maybe it was just the drugs. Yeah. But this guy, he's no good. The more thing, too, like, you knew nothing about her life, really. So it's like, like you said to you, it was like she was already dead pretty much. But at the same time, you didn't know any details of like why it happened or how or the severity of her situation either. Yeah. I think I've learned what happened when the journalist.

from the Chicago Sun Times came to our house and was asking my mom questions and stuff. And that's when I learned how she died and like the circumstances around it. It was pretty gruesome because he like explained to us exactly what happened. And like he didn't show me pictures, but he had like the pictures and I think he showed my mom. And I just remember seeing her face. She was like so like, it just killed her inside. Right. Like you shouldn't see your daughter like that.

No, absolutely not. But yeah, that's when I learned exactly what happened after the article came out. But I didn't really think of my relationship with my birth mother any different. I just thought, okay, I just know more about her now. Right, and the horrible thing happened. Yeah. I do have another question for you. as far as the situation with your brother and what he did to you obviously you know like it had

effects on you it had an impact um and through like therapy and everything i feel like you are where you are now but is there anything specifically that you feel like you had to do within yourself like to any type of self work to kind of like get through that or kind of heal from that situation or do you think it's something that like still kind of lingers? I'm still working on it. There's some things that I've worked on. Like I always thought that I needed to please a man in order for them to be good to me. Right. But that was because of what happened. And I know that now. So I've worked on that. There's still some other things that I need to work on. Like getting deep into it. I'm not really sure exactly what it is. I just know there's something not right. Yeah. And that's the thing too

is like a lot of times we don't know why we do certain things and like what the root cause of it is. But, you know, it's like because to some people, we might think, oh, I'm just trying to like please a guy and make it happy, but it comes from somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. And it comes from like some sort of trauma or something that we were almost taught or like shown. And that's how we do certain things. Like I would do things. Like I would do things when I wanted something with like a boyfriend or something. I would do a sexual act just because I knew that will get me what I want. Right. And that really made me realize that's basically exactly what my birth mother did.

She did sex to get her drugs. And that's kind of when it hit me. Like this is not how I should be behaving. how I should be thinking I need to do this when I don't need to do this. There's other ways to get what I need or what I want. But yeah. And yeah, it takes a lot of time too, I think, to sort of. I mean, anything that happens to us, everybody obviously copes and heals at different

timeframes and speeds, but I think that it's just anything that happens. It takes a toll, you know? And it's like it really does, I think, at some point in life, it kind of forms who you are. And then it's almost like our responsibility to like dig deeper and like go to therapy and do as much self-work as we can to kind of redirect and like grow from it instead of letting it control and dictate. You know, who it's easy. I think for a lot of people when they go through something. Because it's easier to I think like what you originally did like push it to the side. Yeah.

Because it's like you don't have to deal with. with it. Yeah. But I think the more that we're able to deal with something and get to the bottom of it and allow ourselves to work through it, the more we can kind of grow from it and learn. And I always tell people in this show, and if you've been watching, I'm sure you've seen, but even you coming on here and talking about your experience, like there's probably so many people out there that have had similar situations happen to them and they're either just so ashamed to talk about it or they hold it in and they like, they don't even want to face it with a therapist or within themselves.

But I think that you're a really good example of somebody that's like, yeah, this happened, but like I'm working through it. Like you might not have all the answers, but you're working through it and you're doing what you can. I mean, I've been there where like I thought I was embarrassed when I got older and I realized what had happened. I was embarrassed because it was my brother. Right. And we kind of grew up in a small town.

Everyone knew my last name and that was because of him. They knew him. So I was just, I thought people looked up to him. So I looked up to him. So after that happened, watching how good he was with other people, how everyone knew him, how everyone was like, when they would see me, they'd be like, how's your brother doing? It just made me really guilty. Right. And that was kind of where my mom threw me into this therapy.

it was specifically girls who were sexually assaulted by a family member. And it was really, it was comforting knowing that there was a couple of other girls in that therapy that the same thing happened to them by their dad, their uncle, their own brother. Because I knew this happens to people. But also it's like you knew it happened in your family. Yeah. But like it's like how many other people are you going to? to meet that it's like they can relate to you and feel like, you know what I mean?

Yeah. There are some people you just connect a little bit deeper with. Right. Yeah. Well, I always say too, it's like somebody doesn't really know unless they've like been through it or like experience. So I think that like something like that would really help you feel like, okay, I'm not alone and other people get it.

And we're all on our own healing journey. As far as your other siblings go, are they all like in a decent place in life? Or does it kind of depend? My sister, the one I love with, she is doing great. I look up to her. She's my best friend. My other sister, she's okay. She had a rough childhood.

She just, I don't know if it was because of the trauma, but there was always either police or DCFS at our house, at least two times a week, and that was for either her or my brother. and because of their behavioral. Yeah. She was, she just went insane. Like when she would be screaming at the top of her lungs at my dad or she would like have a knife in her hand threatening to like slit her throat.

Like insane crazy things. Like I've had friends come over and she'd be having one of those episodes. And any of my friends that you asked, they remember that. Yeah. And I had to live with that. So now because I realized, one of the things I did realize, when people start to yell, I shut down. And that's because of her. That's because of her screaming at my dad because he didn't let her do, like, have a friend come over or something.

Right. It was insane. It's like your trauma response. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah. And how old are you now? I'm 23.

Okay. And what do you, like, what is your goals? What do you want to do? Do you know? Are you still unsure? I have no idea. That's okay. I'm just doing day by day. I didn't even think I would make it to 23.

I always thought that something would either happen to me or I don't know. I just didn't think I would make it past like 21. Right. So I'm going to be 24 in like a week or two. Happy early birthday. Thank you. You're welcome. It's crazy because I don't know.

what I'm doing with my life. And it seems like too, it's kind of like, I always say once I think you start getting a grip on finding yourself and healing and kind of getting started on that journey, that's kind of like your official beginning. You know what I mean? Because then it's like, okay, you get to figure out who you are, you get to sort through kind of everything you've been through in life and really start to heal from it. And then you get to figure out, okay, what do I like?

What do I want to do with this life? And there could be multiple things, right? don't believe there's ever just like one thing or one answer and I think that that can change so often. But I really do think it takes a lot, a lot of courage and strength, especially at your age. I mean, I'm young too, but like at this age to be willing to come on and open up and be vulnerable and talk about something very traumatic that's happened to you in your life and even your whole family. You know, it's like it's pretty intense. Like to have like that many siblings and all of them deal with something that traumatic.

It's like in a way it's almost like when something like that happens to you, it's like you're handed just this negativity. And it's almost like it puts the responsibility on you as you get older to not let that kind of like control your life. Yeah. Which is so it's like you have to be a really strong person to do that. I always growing up I always compared myself to my siblings because I watched everything they did and how much it took out of my mom and dad. And so I kind of just tried my best not to do

anything they did. So I tried to be the perfect little girl, never talk back, never yell, never say like no or anything. But that's kind of where I think my whole thing of just putting it to the side started. Right. Because I didn't want to be like them. So I just went along with, oh, it's a secret. No one's going to know now. No one does. Even in my family now, no one knows. Only my dad and my sisters.

So some of the siblings don't know what happened. The older siblings don't know. Wow. Okay. They know what happened to my sister and like the whole brother thing. They knew about everything else, but not that it happened to me too. Okay. Interesting.

So I was really nervous before this because I was. I didn't know if I should tell them before, like, they find out from this. But my dad just told me they're going to find out either way. Right. And how old are they? They're older. They're like in their 50s, 40s, maybe. But I would have really, honestly, would have told the brother that lives with my dad because I'm closer with him.

He grew up with me. He was just this fun older brother I always had. So I felt really bad. I didn't know how he was going to react when he sees this because I respect him. I want to know that his opinion of me isn't going to change because he now knows this happened. And it shouldn't. It shouldn't. And I think, too, that it's like I said before, even for your mom, grandma,

it's really hard to find a way to come out and talk to someone about things like this, especially when it's something that's happened directly to you. It's like, what do I just drop the ball randomly? Like, oh, go on a podcast, talk about this, that happened to me. You know what I mean? It's like, how do you really go about that? It's not a very easy thing to talk about at all. And I feel like that's kind of the beauty of therapy, is it creates this safe space.

and it's somebody that doesn't know you and there really isn't that judgment and you can just kind of lay it all out there and get it out without feeling like anyone's opinion is going. No one can really have a thought. Yeah. I love therapy because sometimes I have trouble putting my feelings and stuff into words.

And therapists are so great at just like handing you on the plate. Like this is how you're feeling. And it's like then you know. So yeah, that's my favorite thing about going to therapy. Yeah, no, I think that's great. And I think it's so important. And I always tell people that come on here that I think it's great that they advocate for therapy because I think a lot of people, even myself included, like I have had so many,

I've gone through a few different ones so that it almost makes you feel like, it's easier just not even to try to find the right one. But I think that everyone can benefit from therapy, not even because of like being therapy, but because I think everyone should have someone that they can just talk to that has an unbiased opinion because I think holding things in big or small is like the worst thing that you can do. But I'm like a blabber mouth. I always tell all my friends and everything. But I feel like they're like kind of my therapy. But at the same time, I just think that it's great that you go to therapy and I think that everybody should. I think that it's really

important. I'm a little guilty about I have not been to therapy in a little bit. Well, you better go back. I got to go too. Yes. I am planning on it. But I just, I have been okay. I've been... Yeah, that's good. I know, like, just because you're okay doesn't mean you stop going. But it's just life got really busy and I have work and all this stuff. So it just wasn't in the schedule. I think to some degree, it probably feels good to feel like you don't feel like you need something.

You know what I mean? Like even if we still should be doing something, you know, everybody should do this or you might, if you have a day or a week or two weeks where you just feel like, I don't feel like I need it this week. I feel like you deserve that break too because it almost gives you a sense of accomplishment and growth within yourself. Especially since I was going to therapy, my entire childhood. Like I would be going three, four times a week to a different therapist. So now that I'm older and that I don't have to go, but I sometimes would go,

I have the control over that now. Right. So I can decide if I'm having a bad day or, If I'm having a good day, I'm not going to go. Right. Well, no, I think that you are, it's really interesting to me. Like, I feel like you are just so, like, gentle and sweet. And I think that that's something that not enough people are like that.

And I feel like everything that you've been through, it's a lot. And it's traumatic and it's hard and it's sad. It's heartbreaking. But I think that you just bring this, like, calming, sweet. energy and I really just feel like you like I like I said I wouldn't be like this if that didn't happen right it's like and that's why like it's such a weird thing to say because even like with death and traumas that happen like I always say that I think that it it makes us who we are not that it was supposed to happen to us but I think it can really help form you into who you're supposed to be

and to help others and get your voice out there and like I said I can't stress it enough I feel like you coming on here that I say this to everybody but it really is the truth it's like it takes so much courage and strength and vulnerability to want to do that and to be able to do that and I think it's like it's so great and interesting to see like how sweet you I don't know it's like it's great because even just hearing about like your siblings and how it just seems like all of you kind of obviously everybody comes out differently and they react differently to different things It just seems like you said, how you were kind of like you just wanted to be the good kid and like never say, you know, just follow the rules and do stuff like that. It's just, it's amazing.

And I think that you, I don't know, I just feel like in some way. I feel like I can see you like helping a lot of people down the road. It made me a lot more open-minded and patient. Yeah. I work with kids. Yeah. So, and I live with kids. So I can be very patient.

I learned that I'm more patient with older people and kids than I, am with people my age. Right. I just feel like for some reason. Maybe I'm wrong. But like, and like, obviously you're so young and you don't know what you're doing. But like I just get the sense that like you would be so good at helping other people that have dealt with something similar just because you have that like such a calm aura to you that it's people

would feel safe to talk to you and open up to you and just kind of like relate to you in that sense. Because I think that that's a huge thing. You know, obviously people can kind of shut down if they feel like somebody's more outspoken or judgmental or kind of has this big harsh personality. But I feel like because you come in with just such this like light, bright, sweet calmness, it's like, I don't know. That's just what I see. Can make me blood.

Sorry. Sorry. No, but really, it's very interesting to me because like I say all the time, I just feel like when things happen to people, there's so many different ways you can turn out. Yeah, yeah. And it's incredible to me when something happens to somebody and they just turn out. so sweet and like they they rise above it and that might like not sound good or like not make much sense but like I just feel like there's a lot of people that just let these things eat them up and

and it's normal too like I think yeah I watched it happen right and I think I most think that's the that's the most normal response is to like let it destroy you and kind of make you into this person that you can't even control that you don't want to be and naturally when bad things happen, usually we react in bad ways. So that's what I'm just saying. I just think it makes me happy that when people come on here and they tell me these things that have happened or things that they've been through or experiences or their lives. And they're just these like sweet, calming, great people.

Because to me, it just, like I said, it just for me, it seems like I can see like a future for them and for you. That just seems like you would be so helpful to people. Because even this is an example. Like when people listen, that's going to be helping people. I hope it does. It will. It makes people feel like once again, like how you feel in that therapy when there was other, you know, kids that had experienced similar things to you.

It's like the same thing. It gives somebody that feeling that they're not alone. And I think that's really, really important because there's not enough people that I think are speaking out and doing that. They just haven't gotten the right help or the right person to talk to. Yeah. So I was maybe like 12, 11 when she died. And at her funeral, everybody went. But I didn't go.

I was the only one that didn't go because I didn't find any interest in going there because I didn't know her. This was your biological mom's funeral. Okay. And so I had already had something scheduled. It was my coach's bridal shower for that day. And I was given the choice. Like, do you want to go to that or do you want to come to the funeral? And it was an easy choice for me.

I didn't want to go to that funeral. But after when I had come home and everyone came back from the funeral, you know how at funerals they make these big boards with a bunch of pictures? That's what I saw all. That's kind of when I really realized what she looked like. Okay. Because they had all of these boards with all of her pictures on it. And I'm not going to lie, she looks just like me.

It's crazy because us six siblings, few of us look alike, but not as much as I would say I look like her, which blows my mind. Yeah. And that was probably like crazy for you to see as like being older. I have a picture of her in my phone because it's just nice knowing where I get my looks from. I don't know who my birth dad is. My siblings know who their birth dads are. I'm the only one that does it.

So I've always been curious to know where I get some of my traits, some of my looks from. And I know some of them from her at least. Yeah. And that's normal too. It's like somebody doesn't have to really be in your life or it to still interest you. Yeah. Why am I this way or where do I get this?

You know what I mean? It's almost that like we just, I feel like as a kid, like we want to feel that. Even when you're older. Like you still feel that sense of like, do I look like my mom? or my dad or something, because we want to know. But that's really interesting. So you did not go. I did not go.

Okay. I don't regret it. Yeah. I think I will always be the kid that won't care. Like my siblings, not. So my sister, the one that I live with, she's not as hysterical. She understands it. She's the wisest out of all of us.

So she understands it the most. But my other siblings, they just go crazy. Yeah. even though they never really knew her, but I will be the kid that doesn't have any interest in that. I mean, my little brother, he never met her. Unfortunately, he didn't get to meet my mom either. But we do tell him some stuff.

Like, he knows about my brothers. He knows about our birth mom. but he doesn't know exactly like he doesn't, I don't know how to explain it. Like the details? Yes. But like he doesn't, we try to protect him in a way from like the stuff that we don't want him to think because my brothers are this way. Is it going to make him this way?

I don't want him thinking that. Exactly. like them. Exactly. Like you don't want to put the thoughts in his head that he's like related to. Yeah. Like these crazy like dumbass boys. Like it's like it's better that he kind of was like completely separated. Yeah. If I don't know what I'm happy he grew up in a different family because if he were to grew up with us, it worries me that he would have turned out like my older brothers but he's nothing like them which is great that's amazing it's fantastic and you said that you guys are pretty similar right yeah it's crazy because i grew up being the youngest it was always like

me being the last on the baby and then when he came in the picture i was a little i was a little like i'm not the youngest in here but i was so happy to just meet he's like my twin like we are so similar my other sisters they hate it because he doesn't talk to them as much. He talks to me mainly. And it drives them crazy because they just met him as well the same time I did. And they want the same relationship with him that I do. But it's not going to happen because we're different. Yeah. That's sweet though. That's really good. Well, you did amazing. And I just want to say, I'm going to give you a little shout out. If you guys aren't watching and you're listening, this sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet girl, she made Julie and I custom.

we're all insane books if you can't see Julie can you come bring yours hold on if you guys are watching enjoy if you're not it's like pink and pastel and Julie has this blue one and says our it's the cutest thing okay I'm obsessed that was so thank you so much again that was the sweetest little gift she's oh my god you're so I love journaling like I like I'm not kidding you I've been reading this book that's been telling me I need to get back into it so this is perfect because I will like I'm so bad I will not go to the store and buy myself like a journal to write in. That's how I was. Yes.

So like you just, you gave it to me. That's, I'd like to give people like either like a little coloring book or like a little notebook something because you can express yourself. Right. With just a pen and paper. No, absolutely. Thank you so much. That's like you made my day with that.

But no, you're incredible seriously. And thank you so much for wanting to come on and share your story. Thank you guys for having me. Of course. And I can't say it enough. you really just have such like a sweet calm energy. And like I said, that really stands out to me because not a lot of people naturally have that. And I don't know.

I think you have to go through some stuff. Yeah. In order to you don't, you're, I mean there might be people born with it. But like I think the more genuine people have been through stuff. Right. They have like different experiences. Yeah. It's like it almost like when you hear bad things that happen in the world.

Like it's like I think we go through life and we think. like, oh, everything's fine. Like, it won't happen to me or nothing happens. And then you hear something or something happens directly to you or to someone you know. And then it's like reality sets in of like, I should really like realize how lucky I am and and everything in between. You know what I mean? It's a crazy world we live in.

But thank you so much. Seriously, you did incredible. You're the best. And thank you so much for our gifts. Oh, I hope you enjoy. No, we will. We will. Thank you.