We're All Insane - Molested by My Father, The Chief of Police: Surviving Satanic Ritual Abuse

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

#podcast #mentalhealth #survival #dark Courtney shares her story of surviving childhood sexual abuse at the hands of her father—who was also the town’s chief of police. Her story doesn’t end there. She also bravely opens up about enduring and escaping the horrors of satanic ritual abuse, shedding light on a dark and often silenced world. Courtney's Links: Instagram: Courtney.2467 Tik Tok: court.137 Email: [e-mail] Time Stamps: 00;10;56;03 How are satanic cults run? 00;22;17;16 What does it look like when your whole family is abused? 00;23;19;19 How many people are in a cult? 00;28;30;16 What type of psychopaths are there? 00;30;30;10 What happens years after the abuse is finished?00;35;52;27 Is video of abuse admissible in court? 00;41;40;16 What does abuse look like? 00;46;22;20 How do you escape your abuser if it's your dad?00;50;01;12 What are some of the effects of being abused?00;54;25;14 What are the benefits of talking about abuse?00;55;46;08 What is endometriosis? 00;57;35;01 What are suppressed memories? 01;00;24;17 What is a gag order? 01;04;28;05 What's wrong with how we are taught about predators? 1;11;06;25 What is PTSD from abuse like? Topics: Cults, Satanic Ritual Abuse, Trafficking, Escaping, Family Betrayal, Abuse of Power, Traumatic Childhood If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. I'm Courtney Tammany. I'm a survivor of sexual soul as a child, satanic ritual abuse. and my father's molestation throughout my whole life. He is the chief of police, and I'm here today to share my story to help others and help end this epidemic of child abuse that's going on.

I was born into a cult, and yeah, now I'm out, and here I am. So I was born into a cult, a satanic ritual abuse. It's a satanic cult, which happens in the town of Rivervale. It's a town issue, and that's where it's local. cool. And is that Jersey? It's in New Jersey. It's in Bergen County, New Jersey. It's right outside the city, but it's also very safe, put together, middle, upper white class, and a lot of money compared there's a lot more money, and that's why this is happening, because it's an organized crime. So I'm a victim and a survivor of this organized crime that went on and is still going on. So it's

It started when I was three. We lived in our old house, three or four. It's blurry. My father, he's the chief of police in Leonia. He started by sexually assaulting us, and it just kept getting worse and worse and worse. So my first memories, we lived in our house in Tenafly. I was in the bedroom I shared with my sister at the time, and he came into our room while my mom was home. And my mom wasn't home. Sorry. He came into the room while my mom was. out of town for the night and just laid in bed and started touching me and doing a lot more. And my mother came back. She gave me a smurf and that's where I was like, oh, she's back. Thank gosh, I'm okay. I'm okay. And unfortunately, it just kept getting worse from there.

How many siblings did you have? I have two sisters. Okay. And was it happening to all three of you guys? Yes. It happened to all three of us. Pretty similar, but also different. Everybody has different personalities, different. reactions, different fight or flight modes, but yeah, it happened all to us. So for you, it began, you think, when you were three or four, or that's just when you're four, yeah. So I moved into Rivervale. That's when I lived in Tenafly. So I knew I was below four. Okay. And we moved into our Rivervale house where the cult was happening in the satanic ritual abuse and all the members of the cult live when I was four, five. Okay. And this was, I'd be jumping ahead, but with the cult, was it part of a church or just like it's a standalone

cold? More standalone. Okay. Definitely churches involved that help, you know, that help go about it, but more doing their own thing and their own rituals. Got it. So the peak of my abuse was from around fourth grade to fifth. No, no, sorry. I think again. Around fourth grade to sixth grade, that's where the peak of it was all happening. Unfortunately, it did happen through the ages of 3 to 15, but that's where all of my memories stand out and we're the most rampant. I have a quick question. Yeah. What is the age gap between you and your sisters?

So my older one is 17 months older than me, and then my younger one is they're my brother now. They transitioned Jupiter. Two years younger than me about. Okay. So we're all pretty close in age. Okay. So there's three of us. And then there's my mom. So the normal thing with domestic violence is usually it starts with the wife. You know, the wife gets injured. Luckily my mom wasn't injured. She was never abused by my father because the more unfortunate thing is my father only had a drive for kids, which as sickening as it sounds is that's all he cared about. That's all he wanted. and he didn't care about us, he just cared about the uses of us. I truly do believe I was born just for the fact of abuse, and it took me years to really think about that,

and I was like, you know, he doesn't care about you. All he cares about is using you as an object for money and for trafficking and to have for the cult. So a lot of colts and a lot of abuse just stems down from bloodline. It's bloodline abuse is very, it's a super important thing that people don't talk about enough is when you're abused, you either become an abuser or you break free of the cycle. And breaking the cycle is super hard for a lot of people because men usually become, it might be physically, verbally abusive, some type. They start with that if they were abused. Women, they don't tend to be abusive, but then they fall towards that abusive trap of a man.

man because that's all they know. So if they're abused as a child, they're going to go to an abusive man, and the man may be abusive, and then the woman doesn't know how to speak out, stand up, and break the cycle. So really, it's just a never-ending cycle of abuse. Do you think your mom knew what your dad was doing to you girls? No, my mom had no idea. Okay. So a big part of it was we had a lot of sedatives were part of the abuse. So we were being sedated. It was easier. My parents never had a good relationship. They were always going to get divorced since I was younger. I never wanted them to be together. I just wanted to be away from my dad. But yeah, so we had a lot of sedatives, which took into effect and made the abuse a lot easier, a lot quieter for my father to do.

So my father slept in upstairs with me and my younger brother, Jupiter, and my older sister slept downstairs with my mom. So we had a decent-sized house. You can't hear things along with my mom slept with earplugs in all the time. So yeah. And then with the satanic ritual stuff, when did that begin around the same time as well? That began when I was a little, began when I was a little bit more older. It was kind of always lingering, but more fourth grade was when it really started, I would say. And how was your life like at school and things like that?

Absolutely awful. So I was going from being taken to these rituals, watching sacrifices, just being up all night. And, you know, it was they had, it was a calendar. I don't know. you know, satanic cults, they go by a calendar, their own calendar. When the moon's aligned, different holidays, like Halloween. They have a lot of different holidays, and based on that, they're like events and drum circle parties, whatever they want to call it. So I wasn't able to sleep. I was up at night, and when I wasn't at these events, I was just being abused by my dad and my neighbor,

which is a key role as my neighborhood, was involved with the Colt. So my neighbor, Keithslevin, was abusing me. So my dad and him worked as a tag team. So when they worked together, maybe we didn't have an event that night, but they wanted to have fun with us on their own terms, which they call fun. So I'm surviving.

Surviving is all I did was just trying to live through the night. And I didn't want to survive, quite frankly. I just wanted to die. But I was just surviving. And when it woke up for school, in the morning. As a child, it's so hard when you're growing, you're learning, you're trying to be social, the drugs are impacting my body, my vaginal, I can't sit up, my vaginal pain is so bad, my tailbone pain, just from all the abuse going on. So school never hit it off for me. It just

never worked out very well. I had to transfer out of school in sixth grade. I went to a private school in seventh and eighth grade and then freshman year i wasn't able to go to school and i did homeschooling and who homeschooled you was it your mom no i went to this program online so yeah and during this time did you ever feel like you wanted to tell somebody what was going on or were you too scared i absolutely did want to tell somebody i always wanted to spoke i'm a very they would call me a skitch I just was trying to fight and fight. But I just knew there was no chance of me being able to say anything because with my dad being the chief of police,

he held a gun on him at all times and legally so. So I would be threatened with the gun to me, the gun to other people. If you speak up and tell anybody, you're going to be killed or your family is going to be killed. And what was worse than me being killed because then I would be out of the situation was he's going to kill my mom. Nobody's ever going to know. And now I'm going to be living with him for the rest of my childhood and just him.

So what more can he do? Just us without my mom being there? It was horrifying. Yeah. And then with the neighbor, who said that started around fourth grade, was it as well? He started younger, third grade, a little younger, but yeah, about the same time. And was he just friends with your dad or was he also in the police? He wasn't in the police.

So my grandpa was part of this coal. He still is, which trickled down to my dad, and they live about a block from each other. And then where the area where this was happening in the woods, they lived very close to the location site. So in order to get higher on the chain, Colts have a chain, you know, you're the highest up, where you start, lowest. So my dad was somewhere in the middle because he was the chief of police, or he was in the police. He wasn't the chief at the time. He had more power, he had more resources. He was in a good location spot and he was generational in bloodline. So he had a little bit more going for him, which put him in the middle of the cult.

So to get higher up, you recruit people. And he, my neighbor at the time, Keith Slevin, he was this alcoholic, very angry, just hitting dogs, hitting people. So my dad was like, this is a perfect opportunity, you know? So he took him in under his wing, tag teamed with him, and brought him into the cult, which gives him more points or whatever you want to call it. And can you describe and kind of explain from your experience, I guess how the satanic hulter ran, like kind of the ins and outs of them? Yeah. Because I never, I mean, I feel like I've heard the term, but I've never really had to. it explained or someone with firsthand experience? So California, New Jersey, New York are the main

trafficking in cult areas. It happens all over the country. This is just one of the small towns that trickle into the bigger abuse. So it's based off seasons. It's a seasonal cult. It happens in the fall, the spring, not in the winter, not in the summer. That's when it happens. It happens. They go by seasons. They have their own special calendar about what they do. They wear masks. That's like an important thing is they always would wear these masks with bones or whatever they wanted to scare you. And it was also a power thing as I have this mask on. I look more powerful. I killed this animal. So what they would do essentially is we would go into the woods and we would play games, which were not games, and we would have to watch. There's a lot of fire. It was a very

fire cold. A lot of fire would go on, a lot of burnings, burnings of animals, animals skins, humans as well. What scared us the most is, okay, we're doing this to these people that we've trafficked. Why won't we do this to you? You know, you need to be scared for your life because we just did that to this young girl or this young boy. So why wouldn't we do it to you if you're not acting well? So they were like actually burning young kids. Yeah. So it was this cold was intertwined with trafficking?

Yes. Okay. And do you know that like in their mind what were these sacrifices doing for them? Like just giving them more power? I think a really weird aspect of it is, when you're a child and you're going through this, you're kind of just trying to survive. So I'm there, and I'm, I always said, you know what, the more you close your eyes, the better. When the big sacrifices were happening or anything, if I can close my eyes, I'm going to close them.

So I would close them, the less I see, the better it is. The less I hear, the better it is, the less you have to remember and see. So I would do that unless I was forced to keep my eyes open during these games, events, abuse. I never quite understood what the point was as a kid. I just was trying to survive more than anything and I knew it was they wanted to take this. It gave them more power. It was a thrill for them. Taking kids' blood is essentially something they would do. And how long would these sacrifices last usually? Do you know? Go on about an hour or so. It depended on the holiday, it depended on the event, but going through it as a kid is I didn't need to understand.

And I was so young and I was put into this as this is what normal is. Your father is doing this. This is kind of normal and I knew it wasn't normal or right and I wanted to speak up. But I didn't know any differently since I was born. You want to love your parent. So after this, now that I've gotten older, I've gotten out of it, I've been doing more research on what was I really a part of what was i in and it's just it's very interesting to be like wow this is what they were doing you know just going online and doing research of what i was really a part of and not just being there because when you're there you're trying to survive and nothing else would your mom go to these sacrifices no my mom was not aware of the sacrifices my mom would be sleeping um my dad as a police officer

groomed my mom since she was 19, I think they started dating with the age. And he kind of just was always like, yeah, you never need to worry about cameras being in the house. You never need to lock the doors. You don't need to worry about sexual assault. Why would you be worried about this? I'm a police officer. I'll tell you. And she truly did believe him.

She came from an upper-class family and didn't know any differently. Did she know that he was in a cult at all? No. Okay. So she didn't know until she was. She was very, like, removed from the situation. She was totally removed, which is a little bit different with our story, is she wasn't in it at all. There was no part of her.

Okay. He could have been giving her sedatives, like he gave us every night. Right. We don't know. He just was controlling basically. But he was controlling this in, yeah. Most domestic violence cases, the mother's abused and then the kids are abused. But so she wasn't.

She wasn't abused. Like mentally, yes, but physically no. She was never physically abused, as of my knowledge, and as she's spoken. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast. Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration,

and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week, we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to true crime news available now wherever you get your podcasts. Which is why she had no idea. So when I was 16, I had to get vaginal surgery. I've had two vaginal surgeries. When I turned 12, I was in a lot of vaginal pain,

and I would be leaking, UTIs, constant issues, endless pain. I went to a couple doctors. They'd be like, it's normal, we don't really know what's going, on and I'd be like, okay, once I turned 16, I was like, something's really just wrong. I know I'm in pain. Like, it just isn't right. I had clitoral adhesions from the abuse done, which they can't say for sure, because they don't know. But it's usually with a lot of clitoral usage, which wasn't done by me, was done by my father, unfortunately. And then I had adhesions where I had a get a minor surgery, put knocked under at 16, which is when my abuse kind of started all pouring

out and I started speaking to my mother about it and when she first heard about what was really going on and why we were sick. And what was her reaction to that? At first she was, she wasn't in denial, but there's a part of you that wants to be in denial. She believed us, she listened to us, but she didn't fully believe it. She just kind of was like, okay, yeah, sure. Like, you know, I'm Did you have all of your siblings come out at the same time, or was it just you? All similar times. So first it started with me and my older sister is I, she knew I had been sexually abused, and she's like, well, yes, the same thing happened to me.

And me and her came out at the same time, and we don't want to bother my younger sibling. And then it wasn't until DCP&P, Child Protective Services came over, that he started spilling out his memories after. after that. When we were children, the sedatives that my father was giving us was making us so entire, so sick. There were days where I would walk up the staircase and I would fall over. Walking up the stairs was so hard for me. I would just get lightheaded and fall over and have to lay on the ground. I couldn't shower. My sister, when she was in seventh grade, my older one, she turned completely six months, not able to function. She couldn't walk. She couldn't move. She couldn't

move, she could really talk, she had severe brain fog, she was stuck on our couch, she would lay on our couch, and I thought she was going to die. So my mother took her to endless doctors, she took us to all like a couple, a handful of doctors being like, what is wrong with my kids? I was acting out mentally, my older sister was physically dying in a sense. She couldn't move. She didn't shower for months. What's going on, you know? Like, what happened? And my dad just kind of sat there like, doesn't matter to me, take them to doctors. So we were essentially being failed and no doctors, which is a really important part is nobody asked us if we were ever being abused. And I wonder what the outcome would have been if we were asked. I went to a therapist since I was at a young

age to around sixth grade, Lorna Goldberg in Englewood, New Jersey. She was a cult specialist. for a young adolescence. She knew my dad as well before me, and she never asked me if I was being abused. She never asked me, and doctors would assume it. They would tell them for my therapist to ask me. She never did. I told her I wanted to be treated like I was an abused dog.

Basically, I was trying to say I was abused without saying I'm being abused. I was like, I want to be treated like an abused dog because I feel like that. I was never once asked, and I was failed horrifically by not only her, but by a psychiatrist who was giving me medication. She met with me three, four times a week, Nancy tans her for her money, and I was severely suicidal. As a 12-year-old, you don't really know how to kill yourself. Luckily, I was young enough to not know how to do it, but I knew I wanted to die.

So for me, it would be holding your breath until you pass out, thinking you die, which wouldn't work. drinking water to die. All silly things that never would have worked or did work. But she told me you have too much anxiety to kill yourself straight to my face while I was 12 saying I'm going to kill myself. And right after that moment, I'm looking at her. I was like, you know what? You don't think I can kill myself? Now I'm going to kill myself because you don't think I'm capable.

What the hell? So yeah. So how long did you go to her? Not very long. My mom is pretty, she's very smart. She advocated for us and she realized this wasn't the right place for me. She sent me to a program, Nancy Tanser, called High Focus, which was essentially a day program, not a mental hospital where you go. It left me more traumatized than I did not.

I just needed help and they sent me there. And all they cared about was just the money. and having you there for the day. It felt like I was a prisoner, and I was just a young girl who was hearing all these horrific stories of people trying to kill themselves. So it wasn't until then that I learned, okay, yeah, this is how I could kill myself. So that night I did come home, and I was like, I'm going to kill myself,

and I'm going to do it. And my parents had a very close watch on me at the time, luckily, and unluckly, because my father was watching, me, but that was when I had to take his annex to fall asleep. And I fell asleep with my father in the bed, touching me, and just it all went blurry from there. And how old were you when that had? 12. I was in the sixth grade. And were you and your siblings close at this time? Like, were you guys, did you guys ever talk about the abuse that was happening? We did. We were close, but me and my younger brother, Jay, we were very close, and me and my older sister Sarah were close. But when my older

sister got sick. My dad's, my dad really wanted to tear us apart from each other and make us all hate each other. So we couldn't work together. So he was like, your sister's faking being sick. Your sister's not sick. This is what's happening. So he just wanted to give us this fire to go at each other so that we couldn't work together out of this. So it was very difficult. Same with my mother. I had a lot of hate towards my mother as a kid. Not hate, but I was angry at her for sure for being like she doesn't know what's going on and I couldn't tell her. So there was a lot of anger, which is a very common thing for kids that are being abused to be mad at the parent that's not able to see it or listening.

Yeah. So with these cults and these rituals, how many people would you say were involved in them? So a big part of it was we had the regulars that would come to the cult and then we had the more holiday events. So the regulars, there would be about. 7 to 10. That would come on regular. And they were always in the woods. Always in the woods or basements, which is a big part.

Or did you have like tunnel systems, which is another issue? But in the woods or in basements. That was how it happened. And so for the regular events, a couple days a week, it'd be about 5 to 10. And then for the holidays, we'd have as much as 12 to 15 different men. Some men would bring their kids, but most of them didn't. So it was mainly men at these. It was men only.

It was a man-only event. Okay. It doesn't mean the wives didn't know what was going on and weren't a part of it. But during these rituals and meetings, it was just the men there? Yes. And then was it always you and your siblings, or was it sometimes just you? Always me and my siblings, for the most part. And then sometimes these other guys would bring their kids.

their kids in. Sedatives depends on the day. And do you think that they would bring their kids to kind of try to amuse groom them into that kind of lifestyle? Like so if they start young and then, okay. They can grow up being. Right, because that's all that they know. That's normal.

Right. Yeah. That's all I knew. So try to get them to be a part of it when they grew up because bloodline is really important for them is if you have generations of this going on. This has been going on for generations. My dad, my grandpa, his dad, it's gone on for many years. And do you think that they got involved because of the location?

I think location was key. My grandparents live in a – they still do live in a great location right next to it all. And we moved in a block away from them. Okay. So when you have the location, you immediately go up on the charts as, okay I'm here. So the cold was, this was just one of the satanic colds was in our town. But essentially they would meet with once a year or yearly with all around the states and they would all go to these bigger conventions of let's talk about what we're doing.

It's going on throughout the states, all the states or most of the states, and they would meet up once a year and have these big organizations of what they were going to do, talk about it and just yeah keep going i know that you said that they were sacrificing children were they like selling children back and forth as well do you think yeah okay they were they were selling children um using them a lot of child pornography went on which was another key aspect i guess you could say and that would that happen during the rituals as well No, that was more separate from the rituals. That was more in the trafficking aspect.

And just my dad at home would, me and him, a fourth grade, was take your daughter to work day, take your kid to work day. So I went with him to work. And I always wanted to love my dad. I always do you want to love a parent. And I think something people need to know is you want to love your parent. If a kid genuinely hates their parent, not just a teenage. I'm upset at them.

If they hate their parent, something is super. severely wrong in that household because it's hard to hate a parent. I wish I could love my dad. And he will always be like, well, I still love you. It doesn't matter. No, you don't want to hate your parent. It's a very hard thing. So take good to work day. We went to this horse barn at his work where they gave us these horseshoes and he installed it in my room above my closet, a horseshoe with a screw in it. And he was like, this is a camera and I'm always going to be watching you in your room. like whatever goes on in here is always going to be recorded, and I will always be watching me. Like, there is no escape.

So he would put up cameras. He would record it. I got a loft bed when I was in sixth grade to try and get away from the abuse because he is this fat old man. I have to put him on blast, but I'll put him on blast. He was a fat old man. So I knew I could crawl up there. quicker than he could grab me. So I would save myself maybe 10 seconds from the abuse, but it was

still 10 seconds, and I was going to do everything I could to save myself because it's a ladder. I got into my bed, so I would go in there. It did not work. It did not save me much, but it was a, I tried. Do you think that your neighbor would pay him to be, to be able to do things with you? Honestly, that's a great question. I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if that was what's going on. But I also, I really like to tell people, my dad and my neighbor were two different types of psychopaths.

My neighbor was an alcoholic who just had no mercy, just wanted to beat kids, rape them, assault them. And my dad was a very strategic thinker of how he was going about this, what he was doing, how he's going to do it. It's an organized crime. They did it, and they had it down to a method that they've been doing it for years. So my neighbor, I don't think he cared as much about money. He just cared about being able to use people for abuse.

His main thing was I was a blonde little girl, and they had two sons that are the age of me and my older sister, so we were really close with them, so that's how we got close, and that's why we hung out with them. So they had, I was to be hanging out with them. Keith Slevin has a fantasy fetish for young, blonde little girls. That's what his type was. So out of me and my sisters, my brother, I was really the one he wanted. So he, I was like his personal object or toy.

which was awful, but it's the truth. And was this a weekly occurrence with the neighbor? Yeah. Okay. And your dad. Yeah. And the cold was weekly, depending on the season. And then when the cult wasn't having events, it would just be my father and my neighbor or other men just all hanging out in the basement, getting together. We have another family in our town with two girls our age that had the exact same. same thing happened. They reported it to child protective services. We've all reported it with evidence,

and they've just simply failed us. So where do things stand right now? You came out at what age about this? 16, and I went to go to, I was investigated and questioned at 17. Okay. And what was the result of that? Absolutely awful. We were failed. My dad is in Bergen County, which where we live, we were interviewed by his friends, so that just doesn't work well. Now, were his friends involved in the cult as well? Some of them were, yes. And it goes to a larger issue of this isn't just him and some people in the town. This is, it's rents deep.

It runs deep. So part of the people in the prosecutor's office or in the police station were also a part of it. So going to them was just like sitting in a room with my father. I sat down with the prosecutor. Mats are blocking and I sat down and I was like, wow, I don't think I can even fight or tell my story too much because I feel like I'm just looking at a soul with no eyes, at eyes with no soul behind them.

This is just like I'm sitting down with my father. And I understand how you have to be investigated and talk to, but there were just things that were said to me that were so not right. Unlawful. It was, you're sitting. sitting here, I told them crying. I'm a young girl. I was like, I was raped at this age. They're like, well, why would that guy everyone do that? That's gross for him. That sucks for him.

And I sat there like, I can't argue with this man. I'm not going to go anywhere. This is just going to go encircles. That was the only time I said something back to him. And I'm like, well, why do serial killers kill people? You know, why would somebody want to have sex with that person? I'm like, well, why do serial killers kill people? Can you give me a reason? And he didn't give me a reason? We've moved on. And I told him I had been raped from behind by Keith Slavin in his bedroom. And he told me, well, you wouldn't know who it is if it's from behind. And I was like, well, I do remember who it is.

I was there. I heard voices. I was in his bedroom. Lots of things like that that were just absolutely cruel to hear. Was your mom with you while they were asking you these questions? Or did they make you be alone? They made us to be alone. All three of us.

it's on the record. They put you in this little investigation room, going through all this trauma, you're a young girl, and they don't care. They didn't care. And I don't know how that is in other places, other counties, but I know my county, Burden County prosecutors, they did not get crap about what we had been through because they knew my dad. We were told that they would put in a safety plan for when my dad found out he was being investigated because we truly thought, we were going to be killed by him or somebody in this organization. And we found out he was being investigated, not by them, by his own parents weeks later that he already knew.

They lied to us over and over and over again. My mom told them, I'm scared for my... Jupiter. I'm scared for Jupiter. I'm scared for my kids because he held a gun to their heads, which is what Jupiter told my mom. and said, I'm going to kill you. And off the record, the prosecutor said,

well, it only happened one time. You don't need to be scared. Which is such an unfathomable thing to say. It only happened one time. It doesn't matter. I then went to my local town police just to go, just for hope because now I'm still living in this town trying to heal and recover.

And all I'm driving past is my rapists, people that I know, my dad, my grandparents, the sites, the locations, the places I've been taken to. And I go to them, and I said, I'm looking to, you know, this is what happened. And they said, we can only give you maybe a restraining order and only one for two weeks. And they didn't even give me one. No judge wanted to talk to me. They laughed in my faces and said, okay, yeah, you don't get one. And I'm like, okay. So were you, did they only ask you questions and do the investigation or whatever they want to consider it that one time when you were 17 or is this like an ongoing thing now?

It's only been an investigation that's happened once. Right now my parents still aren't DeForest. So the only thing I know about it is my youngest sibling, Jupiter, is 17 and a half. And the past four, three and a half years, my dad's been fighting for custody of Jupiter. And Jupiter doesn't have a voice. They won't listen. The courts won't listen. Jupiter spoke what's happened to them.

And all they care about is saying, it doesn't matter if this happened or not, or if this is all a bunch of BS. You should still have a relationship with your father. So is your dad still chief of police right now? He is still actively the chief of police. I did just file a civil lawsuit, which is public. It's not sealed against him, the prosecutors, because we had a severe failure to investigate. Nobody investigated anything.

We went to them with evidence. We went to them with pictures. We actually went into the woods that had happened and found pictures of a lot and lots and evidence that I don't want to go into details about just for the sake of having it. We had pictures of it all. and they just didn't take it.

They didn't care. We had evidence. We met with, I've met with other parents and moms that have had evidence and videos of them being abused. And in certain states, they don't take video abuse. They've, they just don't. They've changed the law now for a lot of states, but there are states that they just, they won't take video abuse. They won't take it to police.

It's just they don't have to. So this happened to a mother in it was either Minnesota or Missouri. Unfortunately, her husband then shot her son who was two years old and himself. And then the police had to believe it because there's not enough evidence until they find a dead body. There's not enough amount of evidence that they want to care or listen to. And the question is, do they care or are they part of it? Right. And that's where we need to really think.

And the thing is too is even if all of them aren't part of it, even if half of them are, it reflects badly on all of them. So they're just going to want to cover it up. Exactly. We've met with, you know, CPS. I've met with some very nice people from CPS and a lot of very awful people from CPS. A lot of young people that come into this, they want to help people. That's all they want. But at the end of the day, when their people are in charge of them, like the CEOs, the managers, whatever it may be,

they're in charge, they get silenced, they don't have a voice, and they unfortunately become corrupt or leave the field. And are you able to go up the line? Like, instead of dealing with police, can you deal with, like, FBI or something like that? That's what we're trying to do, and we've been trying to do. So my civil case was supposed to be in the county with the police. Now it's a federal case, so it's going up. But how far does this go?

is the question is I've heard and talked to many people where this goes farther than just being a state matter. It goes federal. And how far is this corruption go is what we need to really find an end to. And that's what's super important is people get justice, but where does this end? I've had no end. I'm 20. I worry about my younger brother every day being taken from us. So he lives with your mom? Yes. Okay. And where is your dad living by himself?

He lives by himself that we know of. Okay. Like a mile or a couple miles from our house. So is your mom in contact with your dad at all? Just between the courts, I think. But otherwise, no, not that I know of. And then your older sister, she on her own now? She's off in college.

She started late, but she's now a freshman in college. Okay. So she's not in the household. So right now, is. it's basically just trying to figure out how you can press charges in a way or just? Just to keep, honestly, Jupiter and our, where they want to be, which is with us and not with their abuser. Because the courts, I think the courts do want Jupiter with my father, and my father wants Jupiter with him. So it's more of just a safety thing as this kid just went through so much.

and now we have to worry about being back with this man? In what world does that make sense? There's this really good documentary American Nightmare, which is different than what I went through, but also very similar in the way that I recommend so many people to watch it, it's on Netflix. The way that they dealt with the FBI, the police, the prosecutors,

and the way that they were failed, and it's on video, and now it's documentary, and how badly they were failed. And they only got justice when they found a lot of evidence, only because one young lady wanted to take them seriously. They were failed by the FBI. They were failed by the police. And that kind of shows you what we're going through.

Yeah. And this other family in my town's gone through. I've had childhood friends, which I've drifted from, just because my dad has abused not only, me, but my childhood friends, and they've told me your dad has abused me when I was a kid, and it's awful to hear. You feel guilty in a sense. It's like, that's my dad. You were friends with me, but at the same time, none of this is my fault because he is my father. I was just trying to survive. Right. So there's multiple people, families that have all been through this in the same

two, three towns, Rivervale, Westwood, Hillsdale. And when's the last thing you talk to your dad? I haven't talked to him since I was about 17. He sent me a text when I was maybe 18. And he just denies all of it. That's where his head's at is just deny. Deny, deny, deny. I never had a sexual assault talk when I was little from my dad or my parents because he was assaulting us.

It was never, oh, be careful of stranger, stranger danger. Not once. He would watch me be abused by Keatslevin. He was, that was what he did. We would play games with other men in the woods. One of them was called hunter and gatherer. That's what I just call it. And they would call it.

And you're in the woods at night. You have, let's, seven, ten kids. And some of the men are hunters where they have to find you. You get a certain couple minutes to go run and hide. And the other ones are the gatherers. So the hunters would hit you over the head. with a beam, a bat, my father, as a cop had a nightstick, hit you with that, pass out, or grab you by the shoulders on this spot. It's just nerve that would make us pass out,

and the gatherers would come, there'd be only two or three assigned gatherers, and they would come, get you, and molest you, assault you, to whatever extent that they wanted. But they made it as it was a game, and you could win. but after doing the game enough times you realized there was no winning you weren't going to win like the result was always the same yeah you were always going to be hit they just wanted to watch you look terrified and run and i would be terrified my younger brother jupiter was a lot slower than me and not as athletic and just i would have to take the hit for them and i would try but then they would still get abused anyway. So it was at what point do I help others versus save myself because we're all

going to be hurt? So they would knock the kids unconscious and then molest them? Would kids ever wake up during? Yes. So sometimes I'd wake up during it and realize just hands in my pants is what's going on. And other times I would wake up unsure of what went on. Along with, we did have the sedatives in us. to transport us to these locations that they brought us, so it was easier, quicker. Would kids ever scream? Yeah, I would scream a lot. Yeah, I was a screamer. I was a loud.

I was a very feisty child with that, as I should have been. It depends on the kids. Some kids are quiet. They know what's going to happen. They just let it happen. Some of the kids would scream. Some of them would fight. But, you know, if you have a screaming child, you're going to get in trouble because

your child screaming like my dad would get in trouble for bringing me if I was going to be feisty so I needed more sedatives right and I would need to be essentially hit harder so it was what point does it serve me to be that screaming kicking child right because it wouldn't help you because it wouldn't necessarily help you know maybe it will help you one out of 50 times but no it didn't help me do you remember any of the other so-called games that they would have you guys do These weren't strike me as much as games. They were just like wooden planks on the trees. They'd tie her hands up to them and then abuse you because you were just,

you couldn't do anything. You were helpless. You were really truly helpless if your hands are tied up. And they would abuse you. They would make, we would have to watch other kids be abused as a punishment as well. It's just seeing other kids being abused is awful because. you can fight for yourself, but when you see somebody else or your siblings being abused, it just hurts even more. You want to be able to help them. So that was part of the punishment games

and just being tied up and being abused. And forced eye contact was also along with it. When it wasn't in these big rituals, you wouldn't, depending on your abuser, and if you were lucky, that'd say you're not lucky, was do you have to have eye contact with them? Can I? I closed my eyes, and it depended. It just depended on the day. So they wanted you to look at them in their eyes while they would abuse you? Yeah. Whether that be them having a mask on, some type of, like, satanic, animalistic mask or not,

eye contact was something they wanted for their own thrill or whatever. It may be a scare tactic. So when I could, I would close my eyes, but I couldn't always close my eyes. Right, to like give yourself that escape. Yeah, it has saved me a lot, but it's also, yeah. Right, how much can you escape such horrible? Not much. When you're going through it so much for a couple years and also just being abused for multiple years.

So this went on from three all the way to 16 or 17? 15. And then I got out of the house when I was, I didn't get out of the house. My dad got out of the house when I was just turning 17. And did he leave easily? No. So when he left, he thought we were still going to have a relationship with him. We essentially did have to trick him.

I tricked him. I was going to go to his house. He bought this apartment. I would come over. He had a bedroom ready for me. He had everything so that he would leave. Because I knew once he left the house, he wouldn't be back in. So he left and he didn't realize that I was never going to speak to him again.

And I was, I had to trick him that I still loved him. I was going to do all this stuff. I played the games. I played my cards right. He got out of the house. And then he realized after a couple months, oh, crap, my kids are never going to see me again. And that's what happened. And then what age did you find your therapist that you like now?

Around 17 or 16. And did you tell her right away, like everything that you had gone through? I did. I've been to a couple, a handful of therapists as a kid, psychiatrist. And the first therapist I went to, she was sweet, she was great. But she just, when I would tell her this stuff, she would look at me horrified. And I'm scared for her own. She was young safety.

And I'm like, you're scared for your own safety? I'm the one that's living through this. They wouldn't want to report it to CPS. They wouldn't want their name a tie to it because they were scared of my friend. father used to chief of the police. So once I met my therapist, she was great. It was hard for me to go to therapy after being to some very awful therapists. I did not want to. I talked to her. And then after a little bit of time, we clicked really well. And she's been such a good advocate for me and helping me heal through my journey. What has been some of the struggles for yourself,

just coming out of everything that you went through? I feel like I'm coming out of. I'm coming out of it is I really, I'm still not out of it, which is the problem is I'm out of it to a sense is I have freedom. I can go to bed and I'm like, this is great. I can go to bed on my own. But you don't have the justice. But I don't have any justice. And it's still happening. Yes. More importantly is I'm still happening and I'm still worried for Jay's safety every day. Jay's not out of this and we're in this together. I'm worried for that. So once Jay turns 18 in September, I feel like there will be a part of me lifted of, okay, finally after 20 years, almost 21, everybody's going to be safe from him, in a sense, safe, like legally not happen to be with him.

He could harm us in other ways, but he would get in trouble. And then the main part is, I just, there's no justice for us. We've been silenced. The first thing they do is try and break you down. You go in there and if he says speak your truth. You go in, you speak your truth, and they laugh at you. They make you sound crazy. They try and make you think, why would I have ever said this?

Why should I tell anybody? And then if you don't get turned away, which most people do, you take it a step farther, and nobody's taking it. Not many people have taken it very far. They get shut down. What was the rest part of your question? I was just asking, as far as for yourself, you know. The effects.

Yeah, like reflecting back on it, like what have your struggles been that you've noticed? I love to say that I just am a very not anxious person and I'm not an anxious person, but I do have a lot of PTSD, a lot of anxiety with certain matters. I will never do drugs because I've been drugs. You know, alcohol scares me because I've been put under drugs, dizzy, unconscious. If I touch it, I'll have a panic attack. being in a relationship as far as sexually and emotionally with a man was horrifying when I was 16 I've always liked men I've always been attracted to them I said I'm never going to have a boyfriend

I will always be single because I can't do it I would rather die than be with somebody and let them see me it took me years for somebody to be able to see me sexually for me to heal and I would kiss a guy and throw up from my anxiety from it. And I'm really not an anxious person. I've never been. But anything for you, revolving, you know, sex and sexuality was forced and negative. It still is, unfortunately, to this day,

is I don't think my relationships sexually have ever been able to be something. And not only has it been mental, it's also been, okay, I've healed so much mental. mentally, there's very importantly, there's physical damage done to my pelvic area and to my head that still hasn't healed. I have endometriosis. I don't know if you've heard of it. It's a one in 10 women have it. It's a chronic illness, top 20 most painful chronic illnesses you can have, and there's no cure. I've found great doctors. I've just recently got diagnosed at 19, just had

surgery for it and I have severe endometriosis at a young age which created nerve damage and if you're abused you're a lot more likely to have it the chances of being having endometriosis and being abused are a lot more likely if you're mentally physically sexually abused it's a lot more common genetics wise my mama had it but nothing like me they did surgery so now not only am I physically in to have a sexual life. In an everyday day-to-day life, I'm also mentally in pain. And it's triggering when I'm physically in pain in my pelvic area because it's giving me these feelings of what it felt like to be being abused.

It's a reminder. Yeah, and it just sits there all the time. And I work. I'm a rock climbing coach. I love my job. But there's days I just, I can't get in. I can't work long shifts. I have really bad back pain. pain from my tailbone, my pelvic area, my endometriosis, where I can't stand or sit for more than a

couple hours straight without being in severe pain in flare-ups. And it's just awful, you know. I was 17 and I was going through all this pain and I'm like, this isn't normal. And the doctors would just say, you know, take an antibiotic. Maybe you're just in pain from being with a man or like sexually in pain. And I was like, no, this isn't happening to my friends. Something is wrong. And it took me a while to find a doctor that listened and was like, you know what? Something is wrong. And that's when they found that I had severe endometriosis that grows back over time. But I did just get it all removed off of a couple organs.

My rectum, my ovaries, all over my pelvic cavity. They found it. It had just spread, which has affected my health severely. Yeah. Horrible. Yeah, and nobody's at fault or at anything for this. And I just have to worry each day is okay. Am I safe?

We just moved into apartments come the fall summer. And I felt safer than ever, luckily. I don't feel like I'm being watched or followed. And it's great. I really do enjoy it. So right now, would you say your main goal is just obviously to spread awareness and then just get the justice, hopefully. Yeah, my main goal is to really spread awareness,

speak the truth for people to hear it. Yeah. And denial is a huge thing. People don't want to believe things that are so horrific because it's easier for us not to believe things that happen than it is to believe it, and it's hard. And I wish I could just say, yeah, none of this ever happened, throw it away.

But you're going to be living in this uncomfortable state forever. So I want to see justice to happen. and justice will happen. There's no doubt. I'm not going to stop until I do have justice. And you shouldn't. Along with for other people, them to come forward or just be comfortable

and able to speak about it. And you know what? I'm not alone throughout this all. People at my teachers, I had a coach. When I was young, I would cry all the time. I was malnourished. I was really underweight.

I just looked sickly like I had been being abused, bags under my eyes. You looked at me. think what is this kid going through? I came back four years later to the coach five like five years later and I went up to him and I'm like hi how are you it's Courtney and he was like oh my gosh you look so different you used to look like you were so scared and like basically abused and I was like yeah that's what was going on I didn't say that but that is what was going on so the endometriosis were you is that something you're born with or it's form

It's formed. So once you start your first period, it can start growing. It grows with each period. And then? Everybody has endometriol cells. Okay. Endometrial cells. Some of them just grow outside of where they're supposed to.

And with each period, they grow more and more, if I'm correct. And then it becomes a problem if you're raped or assaulted or something like that it can make it worse. It causes more inflammation. Got it. Okay. Which is how they're produced. I'm pretty sure. Okay.

And then it spreads from, it can, it's been found in every organ. It's been found on the eye, the brain. It's not common, but it spreads. And then you can have flare-ups. Flair ups, which are really uncomfortable. I'm like an 80-year-old lady. My bladder doesn't work correctly. I just have to use the restroom all the time.

And it sucks. I'm like, I'm 20 years old. I feel like I'm an old grandma. Yeah. Like I'm 20. What the heck? I can't tell when I have to pee or not. I don't know.

Yeah. And then I did have another question for you. I know that you said that there were other people in your area or your town that this was also happening to where they were involved. Are they trying to come forward as well? Or are they mainly just kind of staying quiet, you think? I haven't spoken to many of them. A couple of them want to come forward. The other ones, it's such a traumatic thing that it's some, it's easier.

to stay quiet and kind of move on with their life, but they're also still living with their abusers. Some people do want to come forward. Other people still live with their abusers and don't have a choice. And also denial and suppressed memories is a huge thing. I don't know if you've heard about what suppressed memories are. It's something our brain does to help deal with such trauma where we put them in the back of our head or we forget about it and leave it there. So we don't have to think about it. When you're surviving and going through something so horrific, it's a survival skill is to put it in the back of our head and try and forget about it and just live your life and focus

on what's up, what's next. And there's lots of studies done about it, which you can go online and do plenty of research on, but suppressed memories are huge with people who have been assaulted or in any type of horrific event. And it's traumatic to, you know, make that decision to open that can of worms and go down that path. And I feel like it's not a quick process. You know, it's a bunch of interviews and questions and recounting the worst parts of people's lives. Yeah. And I feel like a lot of people just don't want to do that. Right.

Especially if they're not going to be listened to or believed. Right. So when I was young, you know, the only thing I hoped was when I got out is I'm going to go to the police and they're going to listen to me and my dad always told me I'm going to kill you. I'll kill anybody if you speak about it. The police aren't going to listen to you. I'm all friends with them.

But in order to survive, I had to have some hope. I had to have hope that I was going to make it and somebody was going to listen to me. And then to make it out and be. failed so awfully was just like what am I supposed to do now and now I realize the most important thing is my voice absolutely which is more than any justice or well that's not true but that's the most important thing for me is to have my voice and be able to use it and share it and help other people whether it be smaller issues bigger issues my friends are going through and help shed light Or even if there's someone that's younger that they've grown up in a cult environment and that is all they know is their normal.

I think that you serve that purpose of not only can you get out of it, but it's not normal and it's not okay. And I mean, the fact that no one listened to you or did anything or believed you and you're still not letting it silence you is extremely powerful. Thank you. Very powerful. And it takes a lot of, I mean, to be like strength isn't even the word, because a lot of people would let the fear overcome them and just be like, it's just not even worth it. You know, like I'm out of it. Let me just forget about it and move on. But that's not the reality of it. And just break you and break you and break you and then silence you as well. I don't know if you know what a gag order is. No. So in the courts, I know my mom has one. You could have a case and then they will legally silence you so that you cannot speak about your case or your abuse. And it's like an NGA, but you're silenced. It's a gag order,

so you can't talk about anything what's going on to. You can't do it. And a lot of mothers get these or fathers, specifically mothers, and then they can't speak about their case or they get arrested and go to jail. And I've known women that have. I've been to conventions about it. So your mom can't say anything? My mom can't legally speak about anything she's going through. so I don't get to know what's going on in the courts. And I also, she can't even speak to her closest friends or her parents or anybody because she is now silenced and that's what they want to do to me. And how does that come about?

Like, how is it that you haven't gotten one yet? Because I don't have a law case going on besides my civil case, which they could make sealed and they could give me a gag order about the civil case. but I still would be able to speak about my abuse, hopefully, just not what's going on in the case matter. So right now, are you kind of just waiting to see if it's going to be taken and moved up the ladder? Yeah, okay. It just started. It's going federal now. You can search it up.

My first and last name, you can pay 10 cents for each page. There's 35 for the docket on docket. and you can get the whole thing. And it's basically like everything that you recounted that you've gone through. Yeah. Okay. Just an overall quick, I mean 35 pages, but just kind of who's being sued or attempted to be sued and who was in the wrong and the failure to investigate, failure to protect,

and what's going on with all of that. And they could easily let it slide because my dad has a lot of power and he has a lot of people on his side, but we don't know what's going to happen and it's worth trying. Yeah, and it's interesting to me because to a degree, I get that he has a lot of power, which would make it suppressed and just, you know, push under the rug case. But you would think if it's, you know, this, it goes beyond just this family abuse and assault. Mm-hmm.

And it's other, you know, these sacrifices and these other huge. huge things but like you said it's when it comes to trafficking it's like how far up does it really go if it was involved that's the real question is how far does it really go we've had people investigate our case homeland security and from what i've known like we had a really great guy on our case and he just disappeared and got taken off of it because he was he wasn't corrupt he was doing what he was supposed to do and he ended up being taken off of it we have never heard from him since we don't know where he is, what he's doing with his life. But they don't want anybody to take this down.

It's because a lot of people are part of this, and it's benefiting them. There's a lot of money in this industry. There's child pornography. There's trafficking. There's drugs. There's selling your kids for an hour and saying, okay, you want to use my child for an hour? I'll give you to this man.

You could do whatever you want, make films, but I want them back, and you're going to make a lot of money. So money is a huge thing. in these cults? Yeah. Just like trading and doing... Colts trafficking. Personally, people in the cults more care about power than money.

It's more of an ego and just a brainwash satanic. This is what we believe in. This is what we worship. This is what we do. And just using these children for their benefit. And then when it comes to trafficking and money,

it's a big moneymaker. And I think what we've been failed as a society is when you think of a petto, from day one, you think it's somebody who's homeless, somebody who's a drug addict, an alcoholic, but in reality, these are middle-aged upper-class white men that are doing this because it's an organized crime. But we're taught to think that a petto is something different than it really is. It's somebody who's out of the norm when in reality it's usually somebody you know, somebody close to you, a family member, a coach, a relative, and a lot of them are upper middle class white men right as opposed to what we're told you know and they have the power to cover it up it's an organized crime that's what it is it's they have it down to such a method that they've been doing it for years and over and over and over again that they're not worried about getting caught they're actually so lazy with it that they do it right behind you're right in front of you yeah which is so important is they do it right in front of you because they've been doing it for so long

they're so cocky and also the houses around where this is going on in the woods are part of it so they don't need to worry yeah they are lazy with the work they do and if it took just a little bit of an investigation it would be found you know we've done investigating ourselves but then it's how safe are we? And I think like you said too, it's about finding the right person or people that are going to have your back and follow it all the way through

to seek the justice and right and wrong. But it's almost like you wonder also if they're not doing that because it's so many people involved that they're like, how many people are they going to take down in the process or can they take down? Yeah, it could go to the right person but they might have higher up people that are shedding.

Right, and that's the thing it too. It's like you don't know how high up these people are and how far up that power goes because it's like these are not just your, you know, like typical, I guess you could say like weirdos in the middle of the woods that are just like doing. Hang out. Yeah, and doing these things that, you know, you drive by and you're like, that's weird. Like it's so much bigger than that.

Yeah. And I think that's where the problems are. That is where the problem is. And it's hard to fathom that this is happening right behind our backs and fight it, which is where we've run into a lot of roadblocks and dead ends. But we're going to keep fighting and keep going. And it's also hard to find a team that you can trust of therapists, psychiatrists, anything really. Right.

It's also difficult on another sentence is I don't have a father figure. I've never had one. And that itself is awful. It's not like I can be like, oh, yeah, my father, I don't have one, unfortunately. No, he's there. He's present. I mean, there's no good way to not have a father. No matter what it is, it's going to be awful.

But he's still alive and he's doing things, but he's not there for me. He never has been there. He would just buy us food, like unhealthy food. That's the only thing that we got us a reward was okay. You could have unhealthy food. That's it. So since you've come out about everything, the only thing that he has said to you is just the denial over the text? Yes.

Has he threatened you again? No. He's very smart, so he knows if he threatened to me over text, it would look awful. No threats that he's said, but he threatens to take Jupiter. Right. Because that's like the main, like that last power thing. That's the last power thing. which is almost over, luckily.

But that's it, really is the, he has power, and we're just waiting. Yeah. And hoping that everything happens. And Jay's safe. Right. I've never really spoken, actually, about my abuse. Besides to my close friends. And even then when it comes to my close friends, is this a really difficult matter.

Absolutely. I don't want to tell you all my friends about this awful stuff. I'm just telling people this so that they can learn. and be aware and to help others. That's why I want to speak forward. And, you know, it spreads awareness and it's educational. And, you know, I say this all the time. And like you said, it's an uncomfortable topic because people don't want to believe it's

actually happening. But it's something that is very real and should be spoken about. Yeah. Because if it's not spoken about, it's never going to be stopped. It's torn my family apart. Like, my whole dad's side of the family has left us. I don't have any relationship with them. I had to grieve that loss of I was super close with them and then coming forward about this,

they just, just any abuse, we didn't go into the cult matters. They didn't want to listen or hear anything. So we lost a lot of our friends and people, but we have a good team behind us now. I've been silenced. They keep trying to silence me and not letting me have a voice. They've been threatening me. That's what they do threaten is don't speak. We're going to ruin your reputation or things.

One other thing I just wanted to say, I don't know why it just stuck out to me when I was a kid. Going through all this abuse, I was in around seventh grade, sail camp over summer. My cousin was staying over. I was really upset at my dad, you know, with everything going on in the abuse. I went down to my mother's room, and I spoke to her about it, and I was not about the abuse. I was just like, I hate my dad. And she's like, well, why don't we bring him in here, and we can all talk together, because I want to help this relationship with your father.

And I was like, okay. fine you know i don't want to nothing's going to be solved and i'm sitting there bawling my eyes out and i'm like i hate you dad and he's like well why do you hate me he's a narcissist why do you hate me huh say it because he knew i couldn't say anything about what was going on in that moment to my mom and i just sat there crying hysterical saying i don't know because if i said it i would have been i don't know what would have happened right and that just goes to show you how much of a narcissist and planned out psychopath he is. He's not just...

And the confidence he had. It would just be like teasing us. Right. Okay, so why do you hate me? And there'd be multiple times like that of what's happening. I've had friends tell me, oh, I never liked your dad. And I'm like, really? They're like, no, you would call me crying, saying you were scared of him

or he would be cursing at you at a really young age, screaming, threatening you. And I'm like, those things I don't have even recollection of. There's certain times in my life I don't have any recollection of it because it was so traumatic. And it happened for so long. And my friends would tell me this is what happened. And I'm like, oh, wow. I didn't even know that. And do you think those are just memories that you blocked up?

Those are suppressed memories for sure. And there's probably so many of those that you have that you can't even. A lot of them I have bad dreams, which is a really severe issue. I have a lot of PTSD and they come out in dreams because during the day I have to focus. I try and focus and at night it comes pouring out and then I'm supposed to be sleeping and resting and rejuvenating and trying to heal and take a break from this all and it's not I can't take a break. Yeah. It's not ending.

It's just when can I just rest and close my eyes without having to. Right. And it's like when you have these negative dreams, it I always say bad dreams or, you know, anxiety dreams they set the tone for the day. They do. So it's like you're constantly waking up with this fear and this reminder of just living through the worst times of your life. And if I go through a flashback in my dream, I wake up in a flashback.

Like I wake up and I'm like, my body feels numb. My eyes go. My pupils go huge and I'm just like, what do I do? And the only thing that really can get me out of it is just trying to, I have a heating pad to make me feel like, okay, I'm in the moment. And then we have animals because. because animals are just the best. And my mom will get the animals and be like, here, look, the dog's here.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. And I'm like, speechless. Like, what's going on? Like, it looks like I've just witnessed a murder. Like, I'm just, I look horrified because. Because you are.

I am. And that's what's going on in my dreams. And then I have to grow up myself, which I do do a good job of doing. But at the end of the day, it's still difficult. And how is your mom doing? Is she okay? She's okay. I think it's difficult.

because as a parent, the one thing you want to do is protect your kids. So to have something go on for so many years and not have helped them or been able to protect them, I think it's probably very difficult for her. She works in 9 to 5. As a dog walker, she's busy lady. She deals with all three of us having flashbacks. She takes care of us all. We need a little bit of extra care, unfortunately, because of what we've gone through.

We're healing. So she has to be there for us along with what. working and it's difficult and also being silenced. Do you guys talk to her about everything that has happened often? Okay. I do personally. And I do believe both my siblings do as well. Yeah.

We both open up to her because we weren't able to for so long and we were so scared. And she was a victim as well. She was. She really was since she was young. Since she was 19, she was put into this false reality is what I'd call it as, We lived in this false reality of a life. No harm goes on. Nothing wrong goes on because my dad was telling her that since she was young.

She lived in a decent house, a good household growing up, good parents. I have very nice neighborhood, so she didn't know any better. So we lived in this false reality of nothing bad goes on except what's going on with my dad. And he's also kind of in control of what else is going on because he's watching us all the time. He knows people in trafficking. knows what's going on. So I'm probably not going to be kidnapped because he's going to know the kidnapper. So we lived in a false reality and my mom's finally realized, wow, like I was manipulated. Right. Without it being physically abuse, it's still a lot went on for her.

Which is important also for people to hear and understand because I think that it's so easy for people to look from the outside in and make assumptions or judgments, but you never know what someone is going through, you know, whether it is the wife or the husband or the kids. No one ever knows. So, you know, you can't judge unless you're in it, you know, and know exactly. Yeah. And even then it's like you don't know the manipulation that she went through or what she was told or anything in between.

And, you know, everyone is brought up. differently. Everyone has different, you know, awareness and things like that. There's some people that maybe just who they are, they're very analytical and they notice everything and they see things and they're on it, you know, and then other people, if they're living in this world where they truly believe it's all sunshine and rainbows and they love the person they're with, why would they think anything differently? She's not an anxious person. She was, I think, her first boyfriend. She just didn't know any differently. Yeah. And she didn't know. She just simply... Did she have you guys at, or your older sibling at 19? No. She had her... That's just when they started, like 27. They're

like older, but that's when they started dating. Yeah. Okay. Got it. So she just didn't know any differently and she didn't know that all these things that were going on were just wrong. Like, this isn't what should be said. Are her parents around? Her parents are around. They actually help us a lot out financially and just emotionally. My grandma is one of my closest people, which I'm super grateful and thankful for. They've been super supportive. At first we were really worried about what they were going to think, what they were going to say, who they were going to listen to, but they've been absolutely amazing through it all.

And then her parents, are they in the same area as well? They live in Derry and Connecticut, so they live. Okay, so they didn't have any connection with like... No. Okay. They didn't. They just lived. But your dad's parents did?

Yes. Okay. They just live locally that we can visit them. Got it. They come over to help us out. My grandma, just when we're going through a lot, she comes over, helps clean the house. That's good. She does a lot.

So, yeah, we're really thankful and grateful to have them in my life. And like you said, you know, as long, it doesn't really matter about the number of people that you have supporting you. It's just the quality of it. and the fact that you have people in your circle that are listening. Yeah. And believing what you say because I can only imagine how, and I'm sure there's many other people that would feel this, how horrible it is to go through something

and then have the courage to speak out about it and just be told that either it's a lie or that it just, yeah, have it shut down or be silenced. It's like it's so defeating. That's why I want to use my voice while I can because I don't know if they're going to try and shut me down. And once it gets out there and people see it, it's out there, you know. And then people will know, and I could be silenced.

But the media has a role. Like, they're not corrupt. They believe what they want to believe. You know, there's a lot of hate out there on media, but they can play a pivotal role in how things go down. Because if the media overrides something, what are they going to do? Right. Or if they care about it more.

Right, and if they don't start, because sometimes it's like if they don't shut up, it's like, okay, we have no choice. Oh, now we have to go into this. Like, oh, we were going to dismiss that matter, but now we can't dismiss it because not only is she coming with us with evidence, Courtney and her mother, but now the world knows about it. People know about it. And it's out there forever. And the only thing my dad cares about is his reputation of being the chief of police and not getting in trouble from the cult or. killed from them by having his kids speak out. That's all he cares about.

He doesn't care about money. He doesn't care about his kids. The only thing he cares about is his reputation to the public. So for him, more than money, more than a lawsuit, is just dragging his name through the dirt. And I wish I could love my father. But I'll drag his name through the dirt because he deserves it. He's a monster and so are.

So is everybody else, unfortunately. That was involved. Yeah. That was involved. Absolutely. Some more than others. Some people had better intentions and just got stuck and brought into it. But he himself is truly a monster.

Well, you seriously did incredible. Thank you. Thank you. I know it's definitely not an easy thing recounting those parts of your life. And especially, you know, being so young and being in so many situations where you were probably so scared. You know, it's like, yeah, you're older now and you can talk about it. but it's almost like that young child is still in there. Yeah.

And it's like even if you're able to heal from something, it's still there. It still hurts. It still happened. It does. And yeah, I mean, I'm so grateful that you came on here, really, and that you reached out. Thank you so much for having me. Of course. It means the world.

Like, I just want justice for my inner child. Yes. It comes out, and that's where I get the most emotional is like my inner child just wants justice. Yeah, you're fighting for her. to be able to speak and come forward and say what happened because for all those years I wasn't able to speak. So it brings a lot of healing and joy to know that I have my voice now. Yeah, you are in full control of it and you always should be and you should be so proud of yourself. Like I said, I can't thank you enough and you did so good. You should be so proud of yourself. Thank you. Of course.