We're All Insane - Morbidly Obese Minor

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

In this compelling and heartfelt video, we follow the story of a brave woman who struggled with childhood obesity. Facing numerous health challenges and emotional struggles, she made the courageous decision to undergo weight loss surgery. Tawny shares her ourney leading up to the surgery, the procedure itself, and the transformative aftermath. LINKS: Personal IG: @vyr.graves  ⁠https://www.instagram.com/vyr.graves?igsh=MTR2azdydnJubjFobw==⁠ Weightloss IG: @azmodaius  ⁠https://www.instagram.com/azmodaius?igsh=MW0zeDgwNXE5aWJ3aQ==⁠ Info about VSG:⁠https://www.pennmedicine.org/for-patients-and-visitors/find-a-program-or-service/bariatric-surgery/procedures/sleeve-gastrectomy⁠ If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Business Inquiries please contact: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. I'm Tani and this is my experience with being morbidly obese, getting gastric sleeve and losing almost all of the weight. I was never small. Like, even as a kid, I was always probably, like, two sizes bigger than everybody else. I really only remember just being bigger.

Yeah. Like, it's the only experience that I had. I think that it started to get a lot worse, like, my weight once I was, like, 10. around that time, I just started to, like, blow up. Like, by that time, I was probably already considered obese rather than overweight. Just because I had so many other, like, health issues that went along with it, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. So I had to start taking those meds at around that age. Okay.

So you think that some of the things. that you were diagnosed with was the reason why, like, it calls weight gain for you? I don't know that it caused it, but it sure as hell didn't help. Okay, got it. Like, hypothyroidism is a problem with the thyroid. So, and that regulates your metabolism. Okay. Around that time is when I was, like, put into sports and had to be on my meds.

but also I was at school, like sneaking second lunches. Okay. Like I would go into the lunch line immediately after I finished the first serving, and I'd go up to the lunch lady and I'm like, can't have some more? There was one day that was so bad that I did that four times. In a day? Yeah. Okay.

At lunchtime because I'd love. loved food. There was something about it that I was like, I couldn't stop. Okay. Eventually, the whole getting like second, third servings at lunch had to be put to an end because we're not a very affluent family. So I definitely didn't help myself with like the weight gain and no one was really stopping me either though. Was it ever something that you, like your parents noticed or your doctor or anything like that? Yeah. I don't think I there was ever like a stop to who I heard it from. Okay.

Just for context, my dad is a prick. Like, just a generally very shitty human being. So I heard all kinds of comments from him along the lines of my weight and all that. that definitely wasn't going to help me. Yeah. But unless you think shame is a motivator, then. And doctors, for sure. I mean, I was a big kid.

Like, that's definitely a cause for concern. At 12 years old, they shouldn't have to, like, be worried about your blood pressure, whether or not you have diabetes, basically every other issue that is. common with obesity. Yeah. My mom, she didn't really comment on it too much because she was bigger as well. And like my entire life, I've watched her struggle with her own weight around when I was 8 to 10 around the same time that I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism.

I watched her lose like 100 pounds. Like, she put in the work a lot. but she still struggled with it, like constant loss and gain. I think when she did try to, like, talk about it with me, it was more so putting me on the same diets that she was on. Okay. So, like, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, whatever other diet there was, the one that, like, kind of, like, really sticks out in my memory the most is when I was in middle school,

she had me on a zero-carb diet and I lost like 50 pounds and I was like oh my gosh I'm skinny now no it wasn't I was just 50 pounds less and I was still obese but like they had like a power over me like that feeling of like, oh, I can change my body just by changing what I eat. I don't think that really fully stuck in my head though as I got older because eventually I did get up to like, I think the last time I was able to weigh myself before I had to get like a new scale because I was getting so big was about 350 pounds is where the scale topped out and then it was hitting error. So I was about heavier than that. And that was around 17 or 18. And during that time, did you ever look in the mirror, think to yourself, like, I wish I didn't look like this or was it

something that you were like, it was just whatever to you? I have struggled with like my self-esteem surrounding appearance my entire life. Because I know that you said that your dad would shame you and stuff like that. But then I guess besides that, like just within yourself, was it something that I felt like you didn't have any control over? I would try to think that it was something that I didn't have any control over just to like make myself feel like I had less responsibility in like all the bad things. that I was experiencing.

Yeah. But eventually I had gotten to a point where I was that large and it was like a struggle for me to get out of bed. One specific moment that like kind of had to like change that like perspective that I was holding on was I had eaten like. maybe two entire boxes of like spaghetti noodles with the meat sauce. So like an equivalent of like four very large size bowls to the point where like I was throwing up everything because I had over ate so much.

And I'm like, why the hell did I eat all of that? why did I need to and like the vomit was all over my floor and I was like so big that like bending over to like pick anything up or like get on my knees to like do anything was like really really painful and so it was just a pile on the floor and I didn't touch it for months Really? Yeah. I was so depressed and disgusted with myself and I couldn't handle it. I honestly, I wanted to die.

Like, I didn't want to be alive. And honestly, just that, the vomit on the floor was kind of like the, I guess, what is it? symbol. Visualization, yeah. My life was vomit on the floor. Yeah. Four bowls of spaghetti on the floor. And were you living with your parents?

Yeah. I was living with my parents until I was 21. Okay. So I only moved out a year after I got surgery. Okay. And something I want to mention, too, is that while yes, like, people can make the decision to eat more and overeat, that's coming from a place that really lacks control. Yeah. So, you know, none of us, I think, choose to just keep eating because, oh, we want to

and it feels good. I think that there's some sort of disconnect or problem that we're having that we don't know that balance or it needs to be taught to us in some way or we need to grasp it or understand it a little differently. And not only that, but genetics is a huge thing. And, you know, there's people that are naturally so thin that they can eat whatever they want, junk food, whatever, and stay a stick. And then there's people that can eat really clean. And then they're either just, they have bigger bone structure, wider structure, or they just gain weight easier. So I think that it can become really confusing because, you know, we're taught that, oh, if you want to be in shape or skinny, eat healthy, eat salads and work out and you'll look like that. But that really isn't always the case. Like there are. definitely people that need extra help, whether it's through medications or something or certain diet plans because it isn't one size fits at all. And I think that that's something that a lot of people don't talk about enough. And then kind of like I said, going back to the control factor, you know, it's hard to have, it's like an addiction. Food is just as much of an addiction as a drug

can be at certain points. That's definitely the way I describe it for myself. Like, once I would start eating, it's like I couldn't stop. Yeah. Like there was nothing in my head that could stop me from doing it. Like I could be so full that I was throwing up on the floor. And then I'd still be like, I need to eat more. Did you feel like you were ever eating to cope with the depression and the negative feelings that you were having? I think so.

I mean, my childhood was really, really, really. rough and the more that I would think about it, the more I can see that food was what I was using to cope. So like everything felt so bad that food was like the one thing that was good. Like it would it could distract me right. It could be something I could enjoy. It could be something I do with like friends. And then the second I'm not doing that I'm just suffering. Yeah. And did you ever hit a point where there was things that eating that much or being the size you were prevented you from doing certain things or certain activities? Yeah, almost everything really. The first time that I was like barred from doing something because of my weight was I went to a county fair with one of my friends and I was like a hundred pounds.

and I was like a hundred pounds over the weight limit to ride the ride or even just like sitting desks in school. I didn't fit in them. Buying clothes. It was like 3xl, 4xl, 5xl, which is like almost impossible to find unless you're shopping at Torid. And even then you have to dole out so much more cash. than you would anywhere else. So there's a lot of barriers put in place when you're so large. I also just like the mental health factor to it, that also is a barrier that is put in place

by myself. It's like, oh, I'm so big, I shouldn't do this. Or I'm so big I, no one would want to be like around me doing this. Like, it's definitely put a big stop into the progression of my life, at least the way I would have pictured it going. Yeah. I think that I only realized how much of a difference there was in, like, the quality of life I was. living versus now is because I lost the weight. Like, there's, it feels like there's nothing stopping me.

Whereas before, it did. So at what age did you decide to get that surgery? At 20. Okay. And then did something build up to that? Like, was it a decision that you came to on your own, or was it with your parents, your doctor? I think it was, like, a large,

collection of things. Okay. The thought process in my head when I decided to get surgery was I don't care if I live or die and all I have to lose is about 200 pounds and $17,000. So it's either I do this and I give myself like more of a chance at life or it goes not so good and I end it. Right. And then, so you were 20, and what was specifically the surgery that you got?

I got a vertical sleeve gastrectomy. Okay. And can you kind of give us a little explanation of how that works? So they go in laparoscopically with trocars, I think they're called. Okay. And they make five incisions, five or six incisions all in your abdomen. They pump you full of a gas so that they have more visual. in the abdomen and they take out 80% of the stomach and then they staple it back up.

So they're basically shrinking your stomach so that essentially you can't eat more like you're not hungry. Yes. Okay. It's supposed to suppress the production of ghrelin, which is like the hunger hormone and also just prevents your stomach from holding so much food. Okay. And then how intense was that surgery?

When I woke up, I couldn't move. I was like laying in the hospital bed. And at the time I had really, really severe sleep apnea because I was so large. And I woke up with like this super huge mask on my face. And I'm like, mom, ow! Ow! Everything hurts. So because they have to go all the way into your guts, that means they have to cut open the muscle as well. Right.

And then they have to stitch it back up. So you can feel like the tug of all the muscles on like your skin and the stitches kind of like moving with it. And because I had so much weight hanging down on like the skin and the muscle, it hurts so much more. and they force you to walk immediately afterward too. And that was another question I was going to ask you. So when you get that kind of weight loss surgery, do then you choose if you want to do another surgery for like the extra skin or how does that work? That's a whole separate surgery.

Okay. Because right after that, right after you got that surgery, how long would you say it took you to start losing the weight? Immediately. Okay. Like, I think when I got home, I had already lost, like, just 10 pounds. Okay. And then did you notice that you weren't craving food as much and not as hungry?

I was scared shitless to, like, eat foods. Okay. So, like, even if I was hungry, I was like, I'm ignoring that. And they say that you have to kind of stay away from certain things, right? What were the foods that you had to stay away from? Um, I, for the first week, I could only, uh, do like a full liquid diet. And I could probably only get down like half of a protein shake at each like meal time. Um, and when they finally put me or progressed me to solids, it was like eggs, cottage cheese, stuff like that.

Okay. Um, other than that, the foods that I was supposed to avoid all together was. soda, meat, for sure, meat. Everything that would, like, sit heavy or expand your stomach. Okay. How much weight did you lose from that surgery? So far, I have lost 180 pounds. Wow.

And when did you get it done? In 2022. Okay. So it's been, what, like two years and most? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's been a wild ride.

I didn't realize how quickly things would change immediately after surgery. Like, my mom said that she would describe me as looking miserable at all times. Like, I just didn't want to be here. And then, like, even a month after surgery, she was like, it's like you had a sparkle in your eye again. And I'm like, I'm so sorry, mom. I love you. I'm sorry that you had to like see me hate to live. Yeah. But she's glad that I had the opportunity to want to live life again.

I think it was three months after surgery that I finally started going to school. Made a couple of friends. One of them I actually live with now. Oh, awesome. Yeah. My boyfriend and I live. with our roommate. He's a good buddy.

And other friends, I think those were kind of just searching for, like, someone to hang out with. And then immediately they proved to be like, oh, that was a bad decision. Yeah. Just kind of getting more into exploring, like, what's out there and then making,

a few wrong turns. So aside from the hypothyroidism, I had also fatty liver disease, obstructive sleep apnea, I was pre-diabetic, and just, I was a fucking mess. Like, I was, at one point I had to go to the ER because all these issues were coming together and I was on the bathroom floor and I was like having a panic attack because I'm like, okay, I either need to go to the ER or I can die right here on this bathroom floor. But the one thing that was stopping me was like, oh my God, these doctors are going to have to like see me naked. And I'm like, I can't do that. I can't do that. Like, I hated my body so much that like I felt like any dog. or having to like deal with it or like deal with me would I just wouldn't emotionally be able

to handle it at all and having to go to the ER at that point because I was in the process of not being here anymore that was a really big choice for me to make because of just all that shame I had inside me and having to like put it aside and decide to live essentially right that was really really rough I was in the hospital bed and I was crying and I kept apologizing to the doctors I was like I'm sorry I'm so so sorry that was just another level of humiliating and embarrassing for me and for the staff. Yeah. Just.

It was probably like a breaking point too. Yeah. I mean, I was losing consciousness in the drive on the way to the ER. And I was like, I was almost changing my mind all the way there. I'm like, mom, just let me die in the car, please. I can't go in there. And she was like, Tani, shut the fuck up. You're going inside.

And walking was so hard. I, because I was, I don't know, that was a really, really rough day. But we found out that I had some sort of like infection going on. And I was so dehydrated that if I had come in any later, than, yeah, I wouldn't have been here. The main issues that I had was hepatospenomegaly. My spleen and my liver were both oversized, or they were experiencing an overgrowth

due to, like, how irritated they were. And that happens when you're morbidly obese. Like, your body has to store fat somewhere, and it chooses to store them anywhere. it can. So that's on your organs and just any part on your body that it can manage to. Yeah. But unfortunately, when it does find its way to your organs, it like eats at it and causes it to stop working properly. Other than that, that was also a massive drain on my mother's wallet. Yeah. Because I'm still on her insurance. And me being.

so medically expensive because of all the issues that I had that were caused by my weight or made worse by my weight. It was just like a never-ending cycle of, yay, how can I put a dent in my mother's bank account today? I love her to goddamn death. And obviously, she's put up with me for 22 years in my life. She loves me too. But it's a lot.

Yeah. She knows how grateful I am for her, though. Like, every time I have, like, a serious sit-down conversation with her, I have to make it abundantly clear that I'm grateful that she stuck with me through the downs and the ups. Yeah. because at some points I made it so hard for her that I don't know how she did it. When I was a teenager, I was really, really in the dark. My dad is an abusive asshole. And that, uh, am I good to talk about like the...

Yes, whatever you want. Okay. Whatever you're comfortable with. Okay. So there was one night specifically where my dad was doing his usual weekly tirade of everybody who he has a problem with in the house has to sit down for three hours and listen to him lecture them on everything that's wrong with them, how he's so much better than them. And you suck. I'm awesome. You're wrong. right, I'm God, listen to my gospel, essentially. And this one, he had found out that I was self-harming.

And he's like, that's the stupidest shit I don't ever heard. What the fuck are you doing to yourself? Stuff like that. Won't let you talk about anything, really. but eventually he went and grabbed a steak knife he put it on the table he gave it to me and he's like I want you to kill yourself

do it you want to die so bad fucking kill yourself and me being the character that I was I was like buddy you have no idea how much I want to So I did.

I was... Really? Yeah. What was his reaction? He wasn't expecting it. Yeah. But then my mom was like, you literally were looking at the scars on her arms,

seeing how deep they went, and you would give her a fucking knife? Like, there's no arguing with your logic there, Mom. He's just a dumbass. Yeah. So I ended up in the psychiatric ward of the hospital. I asked them very, very nicely not to let my goddamn dad in. Like, I didn't want him as a visitor.

Yeah. Nothing like that. I was there for like my week or whatever. Have them diagnose me with whatever and get out. But they let him in. I had reported him for abuse. Like I had a full on like sit down talk with the police at the hospital. And I'm like, I don't want to see my dad.

Don't let him in. Hospital sucks. Yeah. They suck. This is on them. But they let him in. And I had a, you know, those hospital cups that give you like the really nice ones, the plastics ones with like the bendy straw. I was like, fuck, here we go again.

I was like, if you let him in here, I will hurt myself. So I broke the cup and kind of went at myself again. Yeah, they had him escorted off an imprimisist. The police, after I got out, they came to do like a follow-up at the house. Just such a miscarriage of like justice for like domestic abuse victims. my dad, like the police came to the house. He was there. He ripped off his shirt ready to fight the police.

Oh. And they were like, nope, yeah, everything's good here. I don't even remember what all happened after that. But the fact that that could have happened in like, every was like, yeah, no, there's some fuck shit going on at that house, but we're not going to do anything about it. Right. like I was 15 16 fucking mincing myself up just being like get me the fuck out of here get me the fuck out of here and nobody could do anything I don't even remember what the point of me saying saying that was I think it was good though because it gives it gives a background and an understanding of what was going on in your life yeah besides you know just your weight yeah because I think that everything in your environment plays a role in that.

It contributes to what's going on in your head. Right. After that, he didn't talk to me, talk to me, for like a month. Lord knows why. I think it was just because he was trying to do like the silent punishment or whatever or it's that or he was so ashamed that he literally had the police called on him. Lord knows what goes on in that man's head. Do you still have a relationship with him?

a very very tenuous one he's such a prick he's such an asshole so the first time that I saw him like within a span of three years was about a year after my surgery

and that was because he was dying he had contracted a bacterial flesh-eating virus in his crotch. Oh, my God, okay. And it's so perfect because all of his sins were coming from down below. Like, we describe him as a sexual predator. He is just a terrible person. The way he treated my mother, the way he treated my mother,

the way he treated women around him, the way he treated young women. Awful. God awful. So my cheating, terrible abusive father lost one of his motherfucking balls. So we were visiting him in the hospital and that was an experience. We were trying not to laugh the entire time

because we were like, okay, we're here out of some sort of weird empathy towards the man who's half of our DNA. And we kind of left there not feeling that empathy anymore. Yeah. He only ever has bad or mean things or rude things, just generally shitty things to say about other people.

And this was after my surgery. And I was like, I guess it was some sort of attempt to get a little bit of approval from him, something that I've never gotten. I don't know why I expected it to be different this time because he was on his deathbed. Go figure. He was like, well, you're never going to be on fucking Baywatch. I'm like, well, no shit. But you didn't have to fucking say that. Yeah.

And that's not the point. Yeah. There's nothing you can say to him that he won't just be like somehow to negate it. Like he has to make you feel bad about something that you've done. Yeah. Other than that, it's just, well, you know you're going to gain it all back, right? There's something wrong with you and you're going to gain it all back. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast.

Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week, we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to true crime news available now wherever you get your podcast. Why the fuck am I here?

Yeah. And do you have any siblings? I have a little brother. Okay. Yeah. And did he ever struggle with weight at all? Yeah, we both struggle with it. I think he's struggling with it more now than he ever did as a kid,

because our kind of dynamic was I was like the problem child and he was the good one. So he was always like really fit. And now he's kind of like, I think he's actually dealing with the leftover emotions from what kind of went down as kids and he's using food for that. Yeah. Whereas I did that as a child and now I'm like having to fix my relationship to food in order to kind of move away from the fuck shit that our dad did to us. Yeah.

So my hypothyroidism, I have a super rare condition called Hashimoto's encephalitis. or I don't remember exactly what it was, but it's steroid responsive encephalopathy associated with thyroiditis, I think. But when I was 12, around like the time that I started gaining most of my weight,

which is exacerbated. The encephalopathy was exacerbated by weight gain. I started having seizures, hallucinations, just general dementia symptoms, and nobody could figure out what was going on with me up until I was like 16 or 17. And I think it's because of I was experiencing those dementia symptoms that I was also so insane a little bit. Yeah. Did that get any better when you got the surgery? Or you medicine for it? I think it was mostly in remission by the time, like, before I got surgery.

But it was definitely experiencing most of its flare-ups when I was, like, reaching, like, my peak weight. Yeah. I can't remember most of high school except for, like, key point events. Because I was, like, in and out of doctor's offices. I was seeing a neurologist, and nobody could figure out what was. going on with me just that I was having seizures. Like they thought it would have been like a pseudo tumor or just literally anything. It was really, really rough there for my entire teenage years.

Like being that big. And then when I was 13 and my eighth grade class when I could attend class, I had a seizure in front of everybody because we had to give presentations. And I eventually got sent to the nurse's office when it stopped. But having that experience, like, as a big body bitch, falling onto the ground in front of all of your other teenage classmates, that was humiliating. Yeah.

Like, I was very, very sick and vulnerable at that moment and also just very mentally vulnerable, like, just as a teenager. And having to experience that, that'll fuck you up. Yeah, it's embarrassing. After that, I kind of got shoved into, like, a special kind of section of the school where, like, the medically vulnerable kids kind of just hang out near as close to the nurse's office as, possible. So I did all my homework in a section of the school that was close to that and dealing with all my symptoms as they came until I graduated eighth grade. Then I moved to a larger school. I was originally in a elevator school. Is that what they're called? It's the same district for the elementary middle yeah yeah and then I'm like I can't be near all of these people who have

seen me like that and we're also bullying me because of my weight at the school and just being sick I can't be here anymore right so I transferred to a school outside of the district at that point I wasn't experiencing like as many symptoms as I was in eighth grade. But eventually those all came back because it's one of those diseases that like has flare-ups. Yeah. We thought that me transferring schools would be like the new beginning for like a better life. It was a new beginning for something. Nothing good, I don't think.

but the whole point of me moving to that school was that it offered like an international baccalaureate program my best friend at the time was going there and also it's more diverse so I wouldn't just be surrounded by corn-love and farmers for the rest of my life did that that was super super cool I loved the international baccalaureate program and having, like, access to new and different people. But that ended up also becoming a downfall almost. There was definitely some bullying, because... So it's a tall school.

So all your classes are on stairs. That don't do well with anybody over 300 pounds. Yeah. Especially because as an international baccalaureate student, most of the classes were like, or the most important classes were on the fourth floor. And that's like, you have to take like a super narrow corridor to get up there. Only I could fit. And everybody's trying to rush to get to classes.

I was like a walking, wrecking ball. Unfortunately for me, I, my best friend that I kind of went to the school there for was also one of, those people who needs has like a pathological need to be better than everybody else and that was really easy for her to do with me because there was nothing about me that was good in her eyes I don't know if there was like truly a genuine aspect to our friendship but all it did was probably more bad than good to me. Because we had been friends since we were eight years old. I'm sure at that point it started off as like a genuine thing.

Like just two girls experiencing girlhood together. And then puberty hit. But then eventually it kind of turned into something else. Because like she had her own issues. like two mentally ill people attract one another you know like like like and I think I ended up becoming like one of those things that makes giving into your own impulses easier like so I was like a presence that almost enabled it I mean I definitely wasn't no fucking angel I was fucked up too like we definitely did our fair share of damage to each other.

The more she became aware of like her own beauty and the way like she can interact with men, the more it ended up like putting me down because I was the antithesis of her. And then she would play this game where she'd be like, wait, no, you're not that bad. like you can do the same things that I'm doing like you know how I've got all these guys lined up for me I could probably get you one I could probably move one over to your side give you a a chess piece on the board what she would do is she would introduce me to a guy we'd start talking she wouldn't like that because that was originally her dude and then she'd be like wait I actually I want you.

And yeah. Yeah. And I was like, okay, that's, that's fair. Like, that's just how things go. Like, not every dude is going to be interested in me. And if you can have them, you take them, I guess. But that hurt so bad. I think once I lost around 50 pounds,

and I had just gotten to like the lower end. end of the 300s or even below that it's like one people start like the people closest to me started like talking to me different uh and it was only around when i got like below 250 that i started noticing like a difference in like strangers talking to me and the way they would interact with me like one when you're losing weight people really reveal how they thought about you before because they're like wait now that you're not this thing that i hate i can talk to you about how much i hated it like at my job uh they would start like commenting about like how much better i look like how like bad i looked before tell me how you really feel yeah like they once they feel like you

changed and you're far enough away from that, then they will reveal how they thought of you before. It's an aspect of like just the human mind that you kind of get a glimpse into when like you're making that drastic of a change. Yeah. Also people get mad that like you are losing weight. like they see it as like some sort of betrayal like how dare you like do something for yourself or like try to fit into society better and and it's like damn i don't know why is that a bad thing and it's always just a bad thing because they're choosing not to and they thought that i was like a co-conspirator on like rebelling against like societal standards which is really weird to me like I fully understand it like because it's stupid like the amount of pressure we put on people

to like look a certain way or just like all that jazz you know at some point trying to like actively rebel against that does more harm to yourself than good. If I were to have chosen to stay big but maybe have like the personality changes that I had after weight loss, I don't know. I was never going to be happy at that size simply because I did care so much about like how other people view me. That feeling of wanting to be normal. I don't feel. I don't feel. think I ever could have gotten that when I was that big. Right. Because I don't fit in anywhere at that size.

And you are limited with certain things that you could do. Yeah. And I know that you said now, obviously, it's a process. Like, it's something that you're constantly working on, like mental health and kind of adjusting to this new reality for yourself. Would you say there's anything else that you've realized or overcome since getting the surgery and, like, where you are now? To not give as much of a fuck.

Yeah. People are going to be shitheads no matter what, and everyone has their opinions on how you look and all that. But really, you just have to find the best way to exist in your own body at whatever size that is, I guess. And for me, that ended up being having to lose the weight, because I decided that I wanted to live. And if I were to stay that size, I would not have. I would have probably off to myself. And plus too, just like besides weight for health reasons, it's just healthier to live a better lifestyle with food and what you're putting into your body

because it is a temple. But the thing is too, once again, kind of going back to what I said before, that is like completely apart from what you look like. Like, you know what I mean? Like people should just eat healthy or healthier because it's good for you. Yeah. not because it's going to make you skinnier or look better or have people talk to you. And unfortunately, those things are really hard to like separate from each other.

For sure. I mean, that's a society that we live in. I think that another really important thing that I had to realize is that weight loss doesn't fix like all of your mental health problems. Like if you're thinking that it would be like a cure. all, it's absolutely not. Like, if you hate your body before, you're going to hate your body after. Yeah.

Like, it just brings with it a different sort of body image problems. Because I've lost so much weight, I do have a lot of loose skin. And that's, it's a whole different beast. Like. So is that something that you think you would get surgery for? Yes. Okay. I'm currently trying to save up for it, and it would be, I think because I have so much loose skin, the doctor said that I would have to get like a circumferential removal.

It's removing an entire belt of skin, essentially. So do you think that would be the next step for you? Hopefully that's the next step, yeah. Okay. because like the longer you have to like live with it it's really really hard it's really really hard like that struggle with the feeling like oh god i lost all this weight and now i look like an uncircumcised penis that's one way to play i like the description it's a joke that we make yeah because i i was talking about like how i have to get like a

Conferential surgery and Joking with the homie He's like, oh, so you're uncircumcised I'm like Pretty much. You're right. You're right. I'm giving it to you. So I think that like little joke is like Oh, it hurts a little, but like it's also right.

Yeah. But yeah, it's really difficult to deal with the fact that I'm this close to like having what I wanted. It's just that if I'm caught in Augusta wind, it's immediately apparent why I'm not where I want to be yet. So that's pretty difficult and I'm having to like learn to accept that it's something that I'm dealing with right now. and eventually it will get taken care of. Yeah, and it's also a process. Like, it's not something that I feel like

most people just do it all at once. I mean, it's a lot. I mean, if you can do it all at once, like, lucky. I see people on, like, social media all the time talking about, like, their excess skin removal surgeries and, like, all that. And I'm like, God, I'm like,

you so bad. I want to be you so bad. I want to be you so bad. But like you said too, I think that like that your time will come for that. And when it does like that'll be a whole other chapter and like, you know, a whole new thing for you. Yeah. Like a new journey. Yeah. And I'm really, really, really, really looking forward to it. Yeah. And you know, I think with each thing that you do, you learn more about yourself. Yeah. And, you know, with each thing as well, I think it's important and good that you work on different things with your mental health, like getting to a place where you genuinely love yourself and who you are. And there's nothing wrong with, you know,

getting surgery or doing things to help boost weight loss or, you know, some people just genuinely need the helping hand. Not every, sometimes it isn't as easy as just eating healthier or working out to achieve your goals. That brings up a good point. My family was really, really trying to, like, discourage me from, getting weight loss surgery because they thought that I could do it naturally. But I think that my issue with eating was so strong that unless I did get surgery,

like that temporary barrier, you know, between me and like my incessant need to consume, then I would have just never been able to do it. Like now after surgery, I do know that I could have lost it naturally. Well, I can't now anyway. But at that point in my life, I absolutely would not have. Like, surgery was probably the only option to get me started. Also, just like dieting versus like changing your relationship with food is its own thing. People think that like dieting is, they'll see it as like a temporary, like a fix.

But really it's not. It's just like a temporary change. Whereas changing your relationship to food is like seeing and understanding it and seeing how it works with yourself and how it fits into your daily life. And kind of just figuring out the best fit for that. Yeah. Rather than just like sticking it like trying to shove the puzzle piece. in trying to make it work. Fixing my relationship with food is something I'm still trying to do because I think I said

that I was scared shitless to eat after surgery. So like I followed the after surgery eating rules to a T. And then like it was a year after surgery, I had like my one year follow up and my surgeon was like, okay, so how are you eating every day? And I'm like, oh, I'm eating like a protein bar and maybe one meal a day, like a couple protein bars and one meal a day. And he's like, okay, you should be eating three meals a day by now. And pretty good sized ones.

I'm like, what? What are you talking about? That sounds wrong. He's like, no, we need to have your body readjust to eating and like taking in like all the nutrients that you need because that's why we had you on all of these like vitamin supplements because your body you aren't eating enough to like keep up like all your nutrients. Right. So it's not good that you're eating as little as you are. just when you think you're good just when you think you're good no so and that was just a year ago and I've been having to like readjust move away from like that like minimal amount of eating a day to like trying to eat like a normal person again it's so so hard because like one I'm terrified

of gaining any weight back. I think it's like that that shame thing again, but it's almost like inevitable because you are intaking more. It's just limited. But like when you're eating like less than like 800 calories a day to like forcing yourself to eat like at least 1500 or at most 1500,500, I don't remember what exactly the caloric.

take is for maintenance for me anyway. But it's so hard. Just they had me doing it the one way and now I'm having to like completely reconfigure. Yeah. And it's a process, you know, and I think too, I think it's amazing that you had the option and you were able to do something that could speed up that process for you and help you because kind of going back to what we were saying, it's not as easy. as people might think it is.

And if you don't have that control, it almost like kind of kickstarts it and forces you to have that boundary of like, well, I'm actually genuinely not hungry and I don't want to eat. And not that that's something that you want to feel forever, but it's something that like we were saying, get you started so that you can redevelop and relearn

a different healthier relationship with food. And it's really, really weird when it's like that process is starting because they do. tell you that like you're going to have to completely relearn like your hunger cues your your fullness cues and all that um and it's completely different experience from like pre-surgery because like those were things that i actively ignored yeah just to like keep eating whereas like afterwards like i'm like so like skittish around food in that

that sense that I was like eating and waiting for like any sort of feeling in my stomach. I'm like, what is it supposed to feel like? Right. And like, hold up, everybody shut up. I'm listening to my stomach. Stop talking. And then eventually now I've sort of figured out that it's like, for me at least the hunger cues are, well, she'll start growling a little bit.

she's like a little cat just chilling out chilling out in my abdomen so when she's hungry she'll start meowing and then when I'm full it's so weird but it's like my entire body's just like stop

stop and I'm like okay this is cool this is cool my body is speaking to me and I'm listening to it yeah you're learning it yeah and I never had that before right it was like a constant

cycle of like me telling my body to shut up because like you had unhealthy habits with food yeah i didn't want to like listen to it i didn't want to pay any attention to my body and i just wanted to stop everything to stop except for food right and like i know i'm kind of like talking about this like a little bit crass i think that's just because like this is my own experience and i'm also like an incredibly shame-ridden individual. But I think anybody else who's like struggling with like the same kind of thought patterns that I was or whatever, don't hate yourself. For me, like the decision to get weight loss surgery was purely one of like hating myself.

Like I can, it was like a last resort to like, I guess. just move on in life. It was like an all or nothing kind of thing. I don't wish that on anyone. I mean, weight and health are both very, like, difficult and topics with a lot of nuance to them. And, like, just because I'm kind of an asshole in the way I speak about my own experience. Everybody uses, like, some people use humor. Everybody tells their story in a different way.

Yeah. That I think just give yourself the room to be as you are. Yeah. Like if you want to change, then you will change. And if you don't want to change, that is completely up to you. Like this isn't like me being like a, you do this. that you're, you know. I think it's important to be gentle in yourself.

Yeah. Throughout the whole process because not only are you getting a surgery that's changing your body throughout the physical changes, you're also undergoing mental changes. Yeah. And you're adjusting to a whole new way of living in a sense. Yeah. So it's important to kind of like do things slow and gradual and let yourself kind of relearn this new way of life in so many different aspects, which is important.

And that's something I've kind of had to accept with myself because of surgery. Like, I'm a baby. Like, I didn't know shit about life. I still don't. Yeah. And, like, I, because of my age when I got surgery and, like, how little I had experienced before then, it definitely threw me into the flames. like it was just a big trial by fire.

I am glad that I survived it because I've learned so much. But yeah. No, I think you did such a good job, seriously. And thank you so much for wanting to come on here and share your story and your journey. And like you said, you're still so young. It's one in the beginning for you. But I think it's incredible that you had such success with it. I think that's amazing and why not.

You know what I mean? If you're able to do it, do it. So great job. Thank you again so much.