We're All Insane - My Boyfriend Trafficked Me to His Friends

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Starting point is 00:00:31 Get deep insights on real-time market topics that may impact your investment portfolio. Listen to Fidelity Connects on Spotify today and power your next move tomorrow. My name is Deanna Powell, and I am most importantly a single mom by choice. I'm going to talk about that at the very end, what brought me to that decision and the process of that. But it's really the thing I'm most proud of. I'm also a real estate agent. I've been in the real estate industry in one capacity or another for like 30 years since I was 19. It's amazing. Yeah. I didn't go to college. And that's part of my story also. But yeah, real estate has been something where they say you get into it and you try to leave, but you can't. You keep coming back. And so I've done like real estate, mortgage, title and escrow, credit repair, everything that helps people get it.

Starting point is 00:01:29 into a home. So I love that too, but I also just recently started a podcast called Intrepid Storytelling. And this is why I want to tell my story today, because through the process of telling my own story, I hit rock bottom. I'll tell more of that later also. But I told my story on Facebook because I was trying to get ahead of a narrative that like people were talking about me behind my back and they weren't telling my story correctly. Like, this is my story. I want to tell it the way I want it told. So I told it. I told the truth. I was really raw, super vulnerable. And I just was like, this is the truth. And nobody else now can say that it's not because it's the truth. And this is what happened to me. Nobody can come in and say that, you know,

Starting point is 00:02:25 it's wrong. So in doing that, I realized that, one, people started admiring and respecting me more for telling my story, even like the most embarrassing parts of it. And I was shocked by that. I was encouraged by that. My self-esteem was at an all-time low at that time. And I was like, what else do I have to lose? And then all of a sudden people started, you know, like encouraging me. And I needed that. So I needed that. So I needed. I realized I needed to tell my story. That was just about hitting rock bottom and getting sober, right? There's so much more to my story.

Starting point is 00:03:03 I also want to just touch on intrepid. The word intrepid means bold, courageous, resolutely fearless, you know, dauntless, valiant, right? These are the things that I feel like in telling my story. I was all of those things, right? And so when I started my podcast, it was with the intention of allowing people to be brave, bold, courageous, valiant in telling their stories. That's why I started that. So I started it about six months ago. And in listening to these really incredible stories, so many different stories, people, every person has a story, right? Every person has been through something really hard. Some things, it seems like, would be harder than others, but everybody's

Starting point is 00:03:59 been through something that they've gone through, that they are like, wow, I can't believe I just got through that. And now I'm telling my story. And so today, I want to tell part of my story that I have never told before, because if the people who are telling me their hard stories can be brave enough to do that. It's only, you know, how can I keep something like this inside when I've been wanting to tell someone? Absolutely. You know? Yeah. So I never thought I'd be talking about this. Never. I have buried this part of my story deep. And I never thought it would come out. But ever since, like the P. Diddy trials and then now the Epstein stuff has been coming out. I have some sexual trauma that I have been holding and then watching like P. Diddy be charged with sexual abuse

Starting point is 00:05:05 and coercive control. And especially because he got off on those charges, he was not convicted, it made me kind of go, oh, maybe I should just not talk about this because if P. Diddy's going to get off, then the guy that did this to me is probably not, I'll never see justice for the things that he did to me. But again, like, I don't know. And little by little, actually, as I've been kind of telling my story, telling my story a little bit, a little bit bleeps out. A little kind of comes out. Today, I'm not scared anymore. I am going to be brave and I'm going to be courageous. And I also really want to tell this part also because women should know that they don't have to keep this inside. I want them to know they're not alone if they've been through the same thing I have.

Starting point is 00:06:05 And I want them to know that even if it happened when you were younger and even if it happened when you were over the age of 18, it's still not right and you should still tell somebody, even if it's not like on a podcast. But you should still just tell somebody because when you are able to say it out loud, you can be free of the shame of it. So I'll start at the beginning. I was born in a small town. It's an old gold mining town in northern California. It's in halfway between Sacramento and Lake Tahoe.

Starting point is 00:06:46 There's a little gold mining town called Placerville. And that's where I was born. It was very small. Like if you drive through Main Street, I think there's only a stop sign. There's not a stoplight unless they put one in since I was there. But like you're literally driving through an old western town. And we grew up on property that my grandfather developed. So he was a land developer.

Starting point is 00:07:11 He was also in real estate, which is probably where I get it. So he bought a piece of land, huge piece of land for himself, and he subdivided it and gave a piece of each of his kids got a piece of his land. So my dad got a piece. My Uncle Dave got a piece, my Aunt Karen, my Aunt Joy. And so on my dad's piece of land, he built a house, and it was right next to a pond that sat in the middle of all of this land. So it was almost like a family commune, if you will. I look back on it and I'm like, oh my gosh, it's kind of special. But it was also very isolated, right?

Starting point is 00:07:51 My nearest neighbor was my grandparents. And we did have neighbors, but they were down an old dirt road. Right? And so, like, I didn't have a lot of friends growing up other than my church friends. So I was also grew up in a very evangelical. Christian, independent, fundamental Baptist family. If you think about like shiny, happy people, have you seen that movie? No. Is it an older one? No, no. It's kind of a newer documentary about the independent fundamental Baptist movement. Okay. And anyway, so very, very sheltered,

Starting point is 00:08:33 very religious. Church was really the only socialization besides my little tiny, country Christian school that we went to also, which, you know, I was in a, I think the largest class I had was 10 people, and it was a class of third, fourth, and fifth grade, I believe. So everybody was just combined. Yes, yes. So growing up, I mean, of course, growing up in it, I thought, and I have great memories, right, playing in the pond and making cookies with my mom. Like we, we canned our fruits and vegetables, okay? Like I had, we had a horse, two goats, dogs, cats, and, you know, it was, we played in the woods and climbed trees and, you know. We were a kid.

Starting point is 00:09:29 Yeah, it was a really great childhood. I looked back on it and it was, it was amazing. Now, of course, it was also cloaked. in very religious control, I would say, and conditioning. We were spanked a lot growing up. And my dad, if you know anything about the umbrella of protection, this is an IFB thing. So the umbrella of authority really is, you know, God's at the top.

Starting point is 00:10:02 And then underneath God is the man or the husband. And underneath the husband is the wife. underneath the wife are the children. And so there's a hierarchy of who's in charge. And growing up also my, I always heard, you know, I love God or I serve God more than I serve my family. Like whatever God says comes first, family comes, you know. So my, so I heard that a lot from my dad. I also was born a sinner. Like you're born a sinner, you're born with a filthy heart, a filthy mind. Nothing you can do can make you worthy of love and respect. God is the only person who can give you that. And so there was fear of hell. There was fear of, you know, retribution and discipline from my parents.

Starting point is 00:11:04 what my mom said goes, but even if my mom said, okay, Deanna, you can wear those pants. And if my dad said, no, I want her to wear a dress, I had to listen to my dad. He was in charge. And my mom had to listen to my dad. To this day, it's still that way with my parents. Okay. I know that there are so many of you out there that are super creative and there's just these amazing, wonderful ideas that you've been just sitting on for months, maybe even years. And I think the only thing stopping you is actually getting started and making the jump, whether it's something you've been thinking of, like, something you want to create or a product you thought about selling or a service you want to offer. The hardest part of any of those things is just getting started. And that is why I love

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Starting point is 00:13:00 don't, you know, like, you don't have a choice. Your choice is what I tell you it is, what it is. And every time I tried to not fight back, because fighting back, I got a spanking. But anytime I tried to challenge or any of that, it was always no, no, no. So I really didn't feel like I had a voice or even an identity. I kind of felt like I was a robot version of my parents. And all the way into my mid-30s and early 40s, I still was expected to ask permission to do things from my dad. If I wasn't married and I wasn't handed off to my husband by my dad. He was still in charge. Even when you weren't living there. Right.

Starting point is 00:13:50 Okay. Right. So, yeah, I'll get into that later. So I also looked at my parents, my mom very submissive to my dad, and what my dad said goes. Also, we were not really, you know, growing up in a Christian, so I'll give you an idea. My dad started a Christian school in our little country church. It was called Kingswood Christian School. It only lasted, I think, a couple years.

Starting point is 00:14:19 But I was born during that time and I was a toddler. When I got into kindergarten, I went to the Placerville Christian School, which was, you know, the school where 10 of us in a class of three grades. So my dad was the principal of that school. And in the principal's office, he had like one of those paddles, you know, the wooden paddles with the holes in it with the Bible verse on the handle. It was hanging in the principal's office. I remember being spanked. And I remember having this, I don't, but I remember it as happy because I didn't know anything different.

Starting point is 00:14:58 Yeah. But definitely very, very controlled because I was, you know, if I met somebody who was not a Christian, I could not play with them. We were only allowed to listen to Christian music. And any Christian music that we listened to could not have drums in it. You know, if there was drums or electric guitar that was like rock music. and it was of the devil. We weren't allowed to have Barbies, cabbage patch dolls, like all of those things that, if you have ever heard of how controlling that religion can be. Yeah. And so also,

Starting point is 00:15:33 there was no sex talk, right? I got a talk about my period, but never, like, never was explained what sex was. Or how to have boundaries. Boundaries. It wasn't even a word I knew until I was in my mid-30s. How to give consent or saying, I only was told say no. No, no, stay away from me, you know. And so, plus, because my dad was my teacher, when I got into junior high, we actually moved to Washington after that when I was 10. So when I got to, into junior high, I was going to Bellevue Christian. My dad was the Bible teacher of my junior high. Then when I got into high school, a couple years later, I'm thinking, oh my gosh, now I won't have to have my dad anymore. No, he decided he's going to teach math. So I had him again for freshman math

Starting point is 00:16:31 and then senior math. His best friend from college also was also a teacher at Bellevue Christian. He was the choir teacher. And so anytime, like, I really wanted to be in the choir. So we would take choir tours and we toured all over the place. I mean, we've, I've been to Banff, Canada. I've been to, we've, like, toured pretty much the whole West Coast. And then we actually went on some choir tours to Europe too, but that was after I graduated from high school. But in high school, like my dad is my teacher, there were no guys that ever wanted to take me to. Oh, we didn't have dances either. So we had banquets instead. So we would dress up in our ballgowns and stuff and then we'd go and sit and eat, which, you know, because dancing leads to sex. But there was never like, it's purity culture,

Starting point is 00:17:28 right? It's abstinence only. There's no, this is what sex is. This is how to protect yourself. This is how to set boundaries, this is how to, you know, and then absolutely there was no self-worth. That word, self-worth was a big no-no in my family, because that would show pride, and pride is sinful. So we were to humble ourselves, lower ourselves, tell, you know, like, I am not worthy. Worthy is the lamb, God, the Lord, Jesus. That is a song we sing, right? So, So it's almost like, it sounds so like off, but we were proud of the fact that we weren't prideful, right? So anyway, my total inexperience with a world, with a real world, right?

Starting point is 00:18:28 Or anybody who could take advantage of me, I had absolutely no idea that any of that was out there waiting for me. Yeah. Lurking in the shadows. town that it's like... Well, with the small town until I was 10, right? And just... So you moved to Washington at 10 years old?

Starting point is 00:18:48 At 10 years old. Okay. Yeah. Was that a big change for you? Yeah. Yeah. And actually, I was so excited to move to Kirkland, which is just north of Bellevue. And if you know that area at all, it's just across the Lake Washington from Seattle. So Seattle's across the lake. Belview, like this, which is where, like, Bill Gates lives and, you know, and then Kirkland, which is just north of Bellevue is like where Costco was started. Gotcha.

Starting point is 00:19:15 Right? Okay. Okay. Okay. So. That's a nice fact. I never knew that. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:18 Yeah. Yeah. I'm going through school. And I had a, I had my first kiss. And it was this black guy who, one of the only black kids that went to our school. And he, we kissed in the sick bay. And I was so excited. Like, right?

Starting point is 00:19:40 And I didn't know. I wasn't sure if I could tell my parents. Yeah. So I told my mom, but then my mom, of course, told my dad because my mom tells my dad everything. Right. And my dad got pretty upset about that. And we hadn't, nobody had had the sex talk with me yet. So I'm 16.

Starting point is 00:20:00 All I know is about my periods. Yeah. That's it. You know, like I know, like anatomy. But I don't know here's how to protect yourself from someone who might take advantage of you. So my dad sits down with me and decides to have the sex talk. My dad, not my mom. So my dad.

Starting point is 00:20:24 Were you an only child? Did you say? No, and I'm sorry. I didn't mention that. So I'm one of three. I'm the oldest of three. My sister is a year and a half younger than me. And then my brother is six years younger than me.

Starting point is 00:20:35 Okay. So I was also kind of the guinea pig. Yeah, exactly. Right, you're the oldest. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, so my dad sits me down and he basically says, you know, there's no sex before marriage. You already know this. But, you know, boys are going to try to kiss you.

Starting point is 00:20:53 And if you kiss, if you're going to kiss a boy, and I understand that's going to happen, but just make sure that you keep your mouth closed, don't open your mouth when you kiss because as soon as you open your mouth or do the French kiss thing, that's when boys get excited. And then they're going to try to do other things. So he says, I'll allow you to kiss, but only with your mouth closed. So that was our sex talk. Gotcha. Gotcha. So I had already French kissed that boy. It was my first kiss was a French kiss. But he didn't know that. No, because I was, I couldn't talk to my, I was so scared to talk to my parents. I knew that whatever I did or said or whatever, there was a punishment coming.

Starting point is 00:21:46 I was punished all the time. Punished, punished, spanked, grounded, spank some more. Like my mom told me one time she was like, I'm going to spank you until you're 18 years old. I'm like, one time she spanked me so hard with a ping pong paddle that the paddle broke off the handle. Oh my gosh. Yeah. You were getting spanked. Oh, yeah, this was when I was a teenager.

Starting point is 00:22:10 She did that. Okay. But my dad would like, he would make me pull my pants down and my underwear. So I'm bare bottom and lean over his knee like this. And he would be taking his. So every time I see somebody take their belt off, I flash right back to my childhood. But he would take his belt off, make it a loop, and then he'd whack me with it like this on my bare bottom. I was beaten into submission as a kid, for sure.

Starting point is 00:22:41 And any kind of feelings or thoughts or questions or any of that I kept inside. I never asked, I never talked, I never, I just was quiet. And I never shared, you know, sometimes I would share with my friends. There were a couple times that I would share with my friends what was happening or just thoughts that I had. And they were like, Deanna, that's not normal. Right. And I'm like, it isn't. But it's normal to me.

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Starting point is 00:24:28 To get started and learn more, including important safety information, will go be clinical study information and restrictions, visit for hers.com. So anyway, so I'm a teenager, 16, maybe coming into my 17. I graduated high school when I was 17 because I was one of the youngest kids in my class. I turned 18 after that summer after I graduated. But I had another, I didn't have any boyfriends, right? Nobody really wanted to take me to the dances, dances, banquets. They never, nobody ever asked me out.

Starting point is 00:25:00 one that I would consider him to have been my boyfriend, but then when he was a senior and he went to his junior senior banquet, he didn't ask me. So I'm thinking, hmm, maybe I'm not his girlfriend. Right. Maybe I've been thinking this whole time that I was, but I'm not. So anyway, but I had crushes, of course. So when I graduated from high school and I turned 18, the moment I turned 18, I wanted to move out of my house. I wanted out of there. I felt so suffocated, so stunted. I had no real idea or thoughts or I was totally unprepared for real life. But I got a job and I moved into an apartment with a roommate and I started working. And one of the first jobs I had was at a pager company. This is dating myself. It was 1994. Or maybe it was 1995. around this time. And I was working at this company, and it was the first job I was salaried,

Starting point is 00:26:06 very low salary, but I was a front desk girl. And the people that worked there, I just, there was some bad things that happened. I got sexually harassed horribly. There was one guy there that used to be with the answering service. And he would ask me, have you ever posed for Playboy? There was a girl there that was like, you should come and strip at this strip club, you know. And so like, but I'm just brand new to this world. Yeah. Right? I didn't know anything about anything. Anything. And it made me feel really uncomfortable and that I was being talked to this way, but it also made me curious. I was going to say it was probably intriguing to Yes, because I'm like, the girl that asked me if I wanted to go work at this strip club was like, you don't have to strip. You can just serve drinks. You don't have to take your clothes off. And you would just be like a drink girl. So I actually did do that. And I went and I worked there. And at the same time, I was working at this paging company. There was a guy there. His name is Kevin. And he was 30 years old. I was 18. He was 30.

Starting point is 00:27:22 he was divorced with three kids. He would sit and talk to me with his hand like this over the front desk and he would just flirt with me. And I loved the attention. I'm like, oh my gosh, this is like the first time I've ever had any kind of male attention where they're actually like interested in me. And so he, yeah, he convinced me to, well, you started dating. And I'm 18. and he's like grooming me, right? And I did lose my virginity to him. I didn't lose it to him until I was 19, but all of this time, right? It was just like this, you're so mature for your age.

Starting point is 00:28:09 And oh, you're such an old soul. And I can't believe we connect like this. And we would just talk for hours. And I'm like, you're right. I am mature for my age, you know, a little. Little did I go up. Like, I'm looking back now. And even as an almost 50 years old, I'm going to be 50 this August, I still think of myself as a child because of how naive and childlike I was. So now I look back and I'm like, that's such bullshit. I was not mature for my age. So anyway, I dated him for three years, I think. But once I lost my virginity to him, once you have sex with someone, you're married. In the eyes of God, and according to my parents, once you live with or have sex with a man, you're married to him. So you might as well get

Starting point is 00:29:05 married. So I'm trying to convince Kevin to marry me, right? Like we're married. We have to move in together. We need to be together. Like he has three kids. Now maybe I'll be stepmom. His middle child used to ask me, Deanna, are you going to marry my dad? I'm 18 years old. 19, excuse me, 19. And, you know, like, it just, I look back on it. I'm like, oh, my gosh, that's just crazy. Well, thank goodness he didn't. Yeah. Right? Or that we didn't have any kids together. Because, yeah, that's a whole other story. So we ended up breaking up, and I, he just cheated on me over and over with exes, with, you know, it was a very, I was just very naive. And I finally, when we broke up, it wasn't too long after that that I was living in an outside suburb of Seattle called Renton. And I met my

Starting point is 00:30:02 first husband then. And Casey was my age. He came from a Christian family. I'm thinking, oh, this is perfect. He had a son from a high school sweetheart. So when I met him, like his son, his son, oh my gosh, he was so adorable. He was three years old and we like instantly bonded. And I wanted to be a mom so bad, right? Like all my whole childhood, that was my purpose. My whole purpose of being a woman was to be a wife and a mother. Yeah. Right. So my my whole life, my whole upbringing and playing with dolls and everything like I was mom. And I still feel, I still feel a passion for being a mom, so I love it. But so when Casey and I married, he, I instantly became stepmom.

Starting point is 00:30:55 And so we were very young. We met when I was 21. We were 21. We married when we were 23. And about two years into our marriage, there was some really hard stuff that we went through. He lost a job. I felt like I was parenting him. I definitely treated him like he was a kid and I was a mom.

Starting point is 00:31:22 And so there was like a clash between us. And I know I probably didn't. My role in that marriage breaking up was definitely I was not treating him like an adult. It's hard at that age, you know, if you are still both kids. Yeah. But he was making decisions that were hurting me. and so we weren't having sex and he blamed me. And I was like, well, if you can't start treating me better, then you need to leave.

Starting point is 00:31:48 This is the night before 9-11. And he packed his stuff and he left. And I was like, oh, I thought you were, I thought we're going to work this out. I never thought that if I threatened that he should leave, that he would actually do it, but he did. And then the next morning, the twin towers are falling. And I'm like, this is so symbolic of my marriage, you know. And so, but as a young 25-year-old who has barely any experience in the world and just wants to be married and to be a mom and to fulfill my purpose as a woman, that was devastating for me. I could not get out of bed for weeks. I was so depressed. I thought my life was over. I thought if I wasn't worth, I didn't have value enough for him to stay.

Starting point is 00:32:40 then there must be something wrong with me, right? I was in such a horribly vulnerable place and divorce now with the stigma of divorce, which in our religion, it was, you know, I'm just like, I just felt like I absolutely had no worth. Yeah. But I still wanted to be married and to, you know, to be a wife and a mom. So I was out with friends one day. And I, at, can't even remember where I met this guy, but this is the part of this story that I have never told. I met Steve. I think it was at a bar or something. I'm not sure because by this time I was drinking alcohol and pretty regularly. I was drowning my grief and my just my devastation in alcohol. And so I'm sure I met Steve at a bar somewhere in Kirkland. And oh my gosh, I thought he was

Starting point is 00:33:40 literally the hottest guy I've ever seen in my life. And he was flirting with me. And I was like, oh my gosh. And he was, if if love bomb was in the dictionary, his picture would be next to the word love bombing. He told me all the right things, everything I wanted to hear. He was a gentleman. He was respectful. He was, I mean, he looked at me. Now, listen, I'm not, I'm not saying that I'm just this beautiful supermodel. But I, you know, I was really cute. I was a cute 25-year-old.

Starting point is 00:34:24 And I felt like people, if someone was going to pay attention to me, like, yeah, I deserve that. I feel, I felt deep down inside. Of course, I'm not going to say that out loud because that's, That's a no-no. Uh-huh. But I did feel like, oh, I'm finally meeting somebody I deserve, right? And I think he also said he was a Christian. So, like, I was like, well, will you go to church with me?

Starting point is 00:34:50 Oh, yes, of course. And so he was taking me out to dinner. Oh, my gosh. And I'm telling you, he was making so much money at the time, more money than I ever knew someone could make besides the kids I went to school with. Their parents all made a ton of money. But, like, he was spending his money on me. So we were going to really fancy dinners at the Met, you know, like he had a penthouse

Starting point is 00:35:12 at the top of this skyscraper in Seattle. It was gorgeous. It had views in every direction, you know. And he would take me up there and just be like, oh, yes, you know, you can stay here anytime you want. And I was head over heels. Yeah. Okay?

Starting point is 00:35:32 Just like, I just couldn't believe that. this guy wanted to be with me. And I said, well, of course then we have sex. And he's inviting me to stay over the night. And so as soon as you have sex, you're married. So I'm like, well, I can't move in officially until you meet my parents, you know. And he goes, Deanna, I do. I want to marry you. You're going to, you will be my wife one day. And he even bought a ring. It was a princess cut diamond. He said he got a really good deal on this diamond. He wanted to buy it ahead of time, but he wasn't ready to give me the ring yet. So the ring, he put it on my finger to make sure it fit, and he put it back in the box, and he put it in the medicine cabinet in his penthouse bathroom.

Starting point is 00:36:16 And he said, I'm going to give this to you one day. And he said, let's go meet your parents. So we flew down. My parents were living in Palm Springs at the time. And he met my dad. They went out golfing. We stayed for a couple of days and then flew back and I'm like, that's it. We're done. We're going to get married, right? What did your parents think of him? You know, I think my dad told me that when they were out golfing, he had said, you know, what are your intentions with my daughter? And he said, you know, I really love her and I want to take care of her. And I don't know if he said I would like to ask for her hand in marriage because I don't think he was ready to do that yet. Yeah. But it was mostly more to just get to know him. And so there was not,

Starting point is 00:37:04 other than the red flag of the flashy car and the, you could kind of tell this guy is kind of a weasel. My dad would call guys that drove motorcycles or had flashy cars or flash their money around because he was not humbling himself. He was not lowering himself. He was not, you know what I mean? So anyway, there was a lot of judgment there, right? But I don't know if he specifically said there was anything wrong with him, right? So we get back and basically we are married now, right? Like I am living, basically living in his penthouse. He gave me a key. I was parking in the garage, the fob, everything. And I would come home after, even though I had my apartment still in Bellevue, I was coming home to Seattle to his penthouse. and we were playing house, you know? And eventually later on, like, this is how house we were playing. He bought a house up in a muckleteo and like the kids for Halloween would trick or cheat. And I was like, let's give the kids Halloween candy, you know, let's do it together.

Starting point is 00:38:16 I did that alone, because he was off cheating on me. But that was fast forward. So while we're still living in the penthouse, one day, It was a Friday night, I believe. And I come up to his, you know, we're sitting in his kitchen in his penthouse. And he's like, well, what should we do this weekend, you know? And his friend Tony came over. And, you know, he had friends.

Starting point is 00:38:44 They would come by the penthouse every once in a while or whatever. Well, we're sitting, I'm sitting on his countertop in his penthouse. And he and Tony are standing next to the refrigerator. And Tony's pulling out this bag. And Steve goes, hey, so, Deanna, have you ever tried Ecstasy? And I said, you know, yeah, I tried it. I actually tried it when I was like 20 or whatever. We used to go to the underage clubs in Seattle.

Starting point is 00:39:15 And so I had tried it. I liked it. It was, you know, it didn't scare me to do like a little bit. Yeah. Just a little bit. I didn't like doing too much, but just a little bit. And so I said, yeah, I'll do a little bit, you know, let's do it. And so he had invited Tony up.

Starting point is 00:39:36 And as soon as all three of us took it and it started to hit, Steve, Oh, you're done. He told me to take my clothes off. And he asked, like, when you're on ecstasy, you feel so, good. You feel so happy. You feel like you want to hug everybody. You just, you want to dance. You are feeling light and you feel like you love everyone. Like, this is the happy pill, right? And so he told me to take my clothes off and dance and like a strip tease. And he told me to do it for Tony. I didn't want to do it for Tony.

Starting point is 00:40:26 I wanted to do it for him, but he wanted me to do it for Tony. And so if I wanted to please him and do what he asked and be submissive, I did what he asked. And pretty soon, like, I just want to go and kiss Steve. I want to kiss him. I want to hug him. I want to be with him. I want to have sex with him. And I did.

Starting point is 00:40:50 But then he wanted me to do that with Tony. so while he watched. And so that happened that night. Eventually, we went to bed. Tony went home, and the next morning I woke up with Steve and in bed and he was like, so did you have fun, you know? And he asked me to tell him that I liked it. And I wanted to please him. So I said that I did. because he asked me to, you know, just tell me that you liked it. You liked it, didn't you? And that started this thing where almost every weekend it was something like that. He would invite his friends.

Starting point is 00:41:39 He would invite male friends, women friends, every weekend. But it was slow. It was like a slow progression into this like, lifestyle that I hated. I hated it. But I did it for him. And because he wanted it and it made him happy. And I wanted to make him happy. Right. So every weekend he was having you have sex with his friends in front of him while he jerked off. And this is why when P-Ditty, that P-Ditty stuff came out, I'm like, oh my God, I have not thought about this shit in so long. And I remember one night, he's in the corner and he's doing his thing and I'm with his friend.

Starting point is 00:42:35 And Tony looked at me and I was crying. He said, you don't want to be doing this to you. And I said, the first time that I saw someone care about. me and be willing to stop but he didn't and I I stuffed my own feelings and my own safety and my own my soul deep down to please Steve Steve would we would wake up the next morning and before he'd leave for work, or he would leave for work, we would lay in bed, and he would, and now I'm hungover, right? And he would say, Deanna, what are you going to do while I'm gone at work? And I'm like, well, I'll probably do some laundry or whatever. He goes, no, what are you going to do?

Starting point is 00:43:46 What are you going to do with that girl that lives next door in the penthouse across the hall? And what he was trying to get me to do is say that I was going to lure her in. And like a whole like porn scene basically, like tell him that I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that. And then he wanted me to tell him about it. So basically he was trying to make me tell a narrative that he could jerk off to later, maybe at his work or whatever. So he could think about it all day that I'd be doing this thing and that he could come home. And I don't know. This is also why I hated when that movie, 50 Shades of Grey came out.

Starting point is 00:44:35 And all these women are like, oh, it's so liberating. I'm like, you have no fucking idea what that movie means to me. What it means to me is some guys trying to convince this. girl to do things she doesn't want to do. And she's saying yes, but she doesn't want to say yes. And nobody's listening to her. And it made me so mad. I still, to this day, I've never seen that movie because it triggers so much anger in me. But like it got to the point where I felt like even lying to him about what I was going to do while he was at work wasn't good enough that I even had to like maybe go and actually do something so that I could tell him the truth about it,

Starting point is 00:45:26 so that I could be convincing enough that it would actually please him and get him aroused that I actually did it in real life. And I'm not just making it up. So there was a gal that she was pretty regular. She would come over. And I went to her house. She invited me over and I went to her house. She lived in Sammamish, which is another city outside. And I went to her condo, and I walked in, and she's like, oh, honey, how are you? And I'm like, I'm good, you know. And she's like, well, what would you like to do? And I'm like, let's go to the bedroom. And she goes, Deanna, you are not here for that. I said, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:16 She goes, Deanna, you don't want to be doing this stuff. I know you. I know you don't want to do that stuff. You're doing that stuff just for him. I'm not going to take you to the bedroom. I'm not going to do that with you. And again, it was like, at the time, I felt a little bit rejected. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:40 Because, but then. now I look back on it and I'm like there's another person who is protecting me. She saw me for who I really was. And she saw how damaged I was by what Steve had been doing. Just playing with my mind and it's coercive control. It's coercive control. Cult leaders do this. Predators do this. They groom you. They put these things in your mind that make you little by little by little by little. make you think that what you're doing is okay or that you want it when you don't. You never did. And so little did I know, though, that Steve was at work telling his buddies that I was some freak,

Starting point is 00:47:30 that I wanted this, that I was insatiable, and that I was crazy now. Because now what I didn't also know was that he took that Princess Cut Diamond Rain and he went back to his ex-wife. And he put it on her finger and said, I would like to remarry you. Will you please marry me? And she was like, no, hell no, I'm not going to marry. You know, we are divorced. Stay away from me. You can come over and see the dog.

Starting point is 00:47:56 But what happened is he was doing the same thing to her. He was little by little convincing her to sleep with him. And so he was cheating on me with his ex-wife. She did not want to be with him, but he kept convincing her. I really want to be with you. I'd catch him over at her house. And I'd bang on the door. Of course, I looked like I was crazy because I'm catching this man who had promised me my

Starting point is 00:48:21 innocent, naive Deanna, that he was going to marry me. Yet I'm catching him at his ex-wife's house. Was he still having you experiment with drugs and stuff like that? Yeah. Yeah. How frequent was that happening? Oh, like almost every weekend. So those two things were kind of going together, like the drugs and the sex.

Starting point is 00:48:48 Yep. Okay. Yep. And like over a period of, because we dated for probably a year at that time, but over a year's time with the slow progression of the grooming and then the convincing just little, little, little to now like I was so unrecognizable by the time. I had to cut it off. I didn't know how. I was so addicted to him. It's codependency is an addiction of another person. I was so codependent on him. I could not keep him out of my mind. He consumed my mind to the point where what is he doing? Who is he talking to? Like I was, I was following him around because every time he would tell me it was someplace that he was, he wasn't there.

Starting point is 00:49:46 So now I'm like, but then he would come home and say, oh, I'm so sorry, I must be a sex addict. Maybe I can get help. And then he would like promise to go get counseling. Will you go with me? And I'm like, I loved him. I was so in love with him and so addicted to him. He got me. He got me right in the beginning.

Starting point is 00:50:05 So now I just want to love him and take care of him. and, you know, we're basically we're married because we're having sex. And so, like, it turned me into somebody I didn't know. I lost my entire soul. And I would say I lost my identity. But even at that time, I had no identity. I didn't have an identity all growing up. I didn't know who Deanna was.

Starting point is 00:50:35 All I knew was what people, all I saw of myself. was how other people saw me. And that's how I identified, right? So, oh my gosh. So were you working at the time or no? Yes. Okay. Yeah. So my job, after 9-11, I worked for a small, a short time for the airline industry. And so after 9-11 and my first husband and I divorced, I got laid off from my airline job. And at that same time, I got right back into real estate. I started in the real estate. business. I was 19. Right after that paging job, I got a temp job at in a mortgage company.

Starting point is 00:51:15 So mortgage and airline and then back into, it was title and escrow. So I was a title rep outside sales and I was able to work my outside sales job and then be dating this guy. And it was all like fun and games until it was not fun in games anymore. And so it was. I got a DUI, which was the only way I was able to get away from him. I was going through an outpatient program at that time for my DUI. And the counselor that had us in these group sessions in outpatient,

Starting point is 00:51:59 I didn't talk about alcohol. I talked about Steve the whole time. I was talking about how Steve did this and Steve would, and I was so addicted to him. And the counselor was like, you are not, like, you are addicted to that man. And I'm like, yeah, you're probably right. She goes, you need to get a restraining order and get away from him. You need to, she goes, Deanna, I don't want you talking about him anymore. He is no good.

Starting point is 00:52:26 He's toxic. He's horrible. He's treating you horribly. And you have completely lost yourself. And it's just basically like alcohol. If you could take the Alcoholics Anonymous book and cross out alcohol and put the word Steve there, you need to, you need to, you know, do the 12 steps on Steve. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:46 So that's what I actually did. And what she threatened me was, you're on probation. And if I hear that word, that name, Steve, or if I find out that you've texted him, answered his phone call, emailed him, gone by his work, any of that. I'm calling your probation officer and telling her that you relapsed. And so, oh, my gosh, that counts. counselor. Tough love. Yeah. She was this short and she was like, you're going to do this or else I'm calling your probation officer. So I did. And finally, I was free of him. Thank God. But, you know, I was just flailing like a fish out of water. I didn't know who I was, what I was, none of that. And oh my goodness, like, again, with my soul in the dirt, No self-esteem whatsoever. I met my second husband. And he was a mortgage broker, kind of a party guy. They called him party Paul. He was also a pilot. But that's how we all knew him. And he was so much fun to hang out with. Like if we were partying together, he was the most fun person to be around. We went to clubs and dancing and, you know, we traveled. We were making so much money at the time. This was before unregulated mortgage.

Starting point is 00:54:08 So the mortgage guys were making so much money. And we were taking limos to here and eating out there and traveling to Vegas. And, oh, I went to Peru with a group of his friends. And there was only one other girl in that group. And she and I, and it was the guys. And we hiked the four-day hike to Machu Picchu. Wow. Yeah, it was incredible.

Starting point is 00:54:35 Like, we went on some really cool trips. And so anyway, it was so much fun. And Paul was gone quite a bit because he was flying. And so, oh my gosh, he'd be gone and our relationship worked because he was gone all the time. Okay. And he eventually got laid off from that job. In fact, actually, because then he got laid off, then he went to go work in Hawaii. We bought a condo in Hawaii. So we were going back and forth to Hawaii all the time. He was in Hawaii most of the time flying. And then he'd come home and he was only home for like maybe three or four days and then he'd be gone again. And that worked for our relationship. Because when Paul was sober and not party Paul, he was miserable. He was so miserable to be around. He was mean. He was critical from son up to sundown, he would tell me what I was doing wrong. And he would say, well, I'm just trying to help you be better, Deanna. But I'm like, that's not how you help me be better. You know, like you

Starting point is 00:55:51 encourage me and give me thumbs up. It's not you did this wrong, you did that wrong. So anyway, when he got laid off from his job and he was home all the time, by the way, we did get married. So we were dating. We got married in Maui. We got Maui. We got Maui. And then I kid you not, like even on our wedding night, he did ecstasy. And I really was like, I was preparing my body to start having kids. I really wanted to have a baby. And I was 29. I was 29 at the time.

Starting point is 00:56:25 And I just keep remembering when I looked back on it, I'm like, you know, people with, the girl that went to Peru with me, she's like, why do you let him talk to you like that? And I'm like, oh, that's just Paul, you know, he doesn't, you know, I know what he's saying isn't true. Even though he's mean to me and talks down to me, I'm not taking, I'm just letting it kind of roll off my back. She's like, well, you don't have to take that, right? So anyway, I told him on our wedding night, please, Paul, please do not do ecstasy with your friends. I know you want to do it and this is what we do and this is how we have a good time. But please do not do that because I really would like to have sex on our wedding night. And when he partied, he couldn't get it up.

Starting point is 00:57:19 So I'm like, please can we just, you know, not do drugs on our wedding night? He did it anyway because he wanted to have fun. And this was his wedding night. And so he wanted to have, you know. And so like that really. the wedding night. But on top of it, I had been cleaning my body out because I was trying to get my, you know, my female parts clean to be ready to receive a child, right? So as soon as he did that, I was like, you know, he's not taking, I thought he was doing the same thing, but now that's ruined.

Starting point is 00:57:58 So it just kind of set the tone for the rest of our marriage because it was within, the next six months that I was drinking one night with clients and I came home. I did. I drove home, which he was pretty mad about. I think rightfully so you can be angry about drinking and driving. Absolutely. I was in the wrong there. Clearly, I hadn't learned my lesson from my last DUI. Right. I'm driving home. He's mad. But instead of like, out of concern, he's yelling at me. yelling, yelling, yelling. Now, let me back up. There were a couple of instances where he was so mean to me, like he would tell me, you cook that wrong, you didn't put enough salt in it. And one day, I was like, I was just so sick of it. I picked up his plate and I went over and I put it in the trash. And before I could put his

Starting point is 00:58:56 food in the trash, he ran over and he knocked the plate out of my hand and food went all over the ceiling. right this is the kind of stuff well one time we were in the office and uh i wasn't listening to him or something something in him snapped and he was mad he was so mad that he picked me up his fingers were digging into my arm and he went like this and he sat me down he goes you're going to listen to me and i was like you know what the next time you do that i'm calling the police I said, that hurt. That's going to leave a mark. I am going to call the police. Just remember that. So anyway, so in the night I drive home drunk, I wasn't drunk, drunk, but I definitely would have gotten a DUI if I got pulled over. So I come home, I walk in, I had been with clients, he was mad, he's yelling at me. I walk up the stairs to go to the bedroom. I'm just like, I can't take it anymore. It's like, wot, want, want, want, want, want. And I sit down on the bed. I turn on the TV.

Starting point is 00:59:58 and I start turning the volume up so that I can't hear him talk anymore. And that, he saw red. He was so mad that I did that. He got on top of me and he started like shaking me by my shoulders. And I remember just like, you know, doing this behind. And his eyeballs were like demons were coming out of them to my face. I could just like see, I could see how angry he was. And it scared the crap out of me.

Starting point is 01:00:28 he also was a boxer in college. And I remember him going like this, like he wanted to punch me. And I rolled over and I grabbed the phone and I called 911. And he was like, Deanna, what are you doing? Don't do that. And they had already answered. He hung up, put the phone back on the receiver. And I said, I told you I was going to call the police next time you did that. He goes, they're on their way. They're going to be coming here now. And I said, not my. my fault. And so he left, he fled, if you want to say that, he went to his mom's house. And the police came, I filed a report. That was the end of our marriage, okay? Because basically, we did try to get back together after that, after the restraining order had lifted. But once I saw that he

Starting point is 01:01:16 really wasn't going to change, nothing about his behavior was going to change, I was like, nope, I'm done. So filed for divorce. Now I'm divorced twice. before I'm 30. I hadn't even turned 30 yet by this time. All of these men in my life had been just completely taking advantage of me is the way I felt. Now, I look back on it and I really kind of think I didn't know myself. I had no identity. I only saw myself through how, men were looking at me, you know? And when Paul couldn't even treat me well, and even he was better than Steve, that's why I even married him, because I looked at him and I'm like, well, at least he's not Steve, because Steve was the worst. He was absolutely the worst. But Paul, at least he's, you know,

Starting point is 01:02:19 at least he's fun to be around when he's not sober, which was a lot at the time. And so when that didn't work out, I'm just like, great, you know, I guess I'm not worth worth enough for someone to just treat me the way I deserve to be treated. So maybe if they don't care, neither do I. If they don't care about me or value me or even really know me, neither do I. And so I'd drink and drank and drank and I'd party and I'd go to people's houses and I'd stay I mean a guy I'd I'd wake up in the bed with some guy I didn't even know who it was and I was like this is so liberating it was not liberating for me because the way I saw myself was just like I don't care I don't care. Nobody cares. Oh, neither do I. So it was, I'm trying not to lose it. Take your time. Don't apologize.

Starting point is 01:03:43 I'm remembering that time is very hard. So it was one night I was going to the Blue Martini to meet a friend. Blue Martini was like a bar dance club in Bellevue. And a friend of mine had said that there was a birthday party. I was like, yeah, of course I want to go. I loved to drink wine at the blue martini. Because when I'd walk into the blue martini, they'd fill my glass all the way up to the rim, literally on the bar. And I couldn't even pick the glass up because it would slosh over the side. So I'd have to lean over and sip the wine out before I could pick the glass up. That's how they knew me. They were like, Dan is here. Bring on the pino grigio. So I go and I'm drinking wine. having a great time. We're all like dancing and stuff, and it's time for me to go home. And I was,

Starting point is 01:04:55 now, I'm trying to think, I was living with my aunt at the time because I had lost my apartment. I had lost my job. Oh, that's the other thing. When I was drinking, I could get a job. You know, getting a job, no problem. keeping a job was almost impossible for me. When you're drinking every day like that, I was drowning myself, my sorrow, my devastation, all of that in alcohol. And when you're drinking like that every day, you just, you can't. You can't stay consistent. You make commitments and then you flake. I was such a flake. I don't think anybody could trust me. And why? Why trust me, you know, nobody cares, so I don't care either. So anyway, I'm coming out of the blue martini

Starting point is 01:05:48 getting ready to drive home. I was very drunk that night. I thought I was not because by that time my tolerance was very high. But I go walk to my car. I noticed there was somebody walking behind me. I tried to wait until he was out of like eye shot. I like peed in the parking garage before I got in my car. I don't remember this, but this is what happened because in the police report, this is what happened. And it came out in front of a judge. And so anyway, I get in my car. My dog was in the back seat, my sweet little dog.

Starting point is 01:06:32 And basically, I was living out of my car. I was living with my aunt. My dad would call that homeless because I didn't have a home of my own. But I was like staying with my aunt because she was. was giving me a bed to sleep on, and I was spending a lot of time in my car. And sometimes I would even sleep in there instead of my aunt's house because I didn't want my aunt to see how drunk I was. So anyway, so it's me and my dog in my car. And I go back, I'm driving, I'm thinking I'm going to drive home, and I kind of go around and I'm coming out of the parking garage and at the top of the

Starting point is 01:07:04 parking garage are the police put their lights on. They're like, pull over. I'm like, what do you mean I'm, you know, no, they're like, yeah, Deanna, you need to take a breathalyzer. And in fact, we're going to take you to the station now because you're obviously drunk. And they had to get a warrant to get my blood, warrant from the judge to take my blood because I refused the breathalyzer. I was being very defined. I don't remember any of this. I was totally blacked out. But this is what happened. So anyway, they take. me to Issaquah City Jail, they make me change my clothes into, you know, jail clothes, and they closed the door. And little did I know, they towed my car and they took my dog to the

Starting point is 01:07:54 Humane Society. Yeah, I did not know this until like a day or two later that my dog was eventually adopted out because when they shut that door in that jail cell, I did not come out for three months. I got arrested for DUI that night. My blood alcohol was 0.28, I think, or something like that. And I went in for my arraignment that when I thought the police officer and that judge were ruining my life, right? I had just gotten a job with a beauty magazine. Like, I was supposed to show up for my job the next day. And they were ruining my life. Well, what actually was actually, actually ended up happening was they saved my life because I was on a just a total path of destruction. My life was completely destroyed and it was in that jail cell that I sat and I sat

Starting point is 01:08:53 and I had to look at the other people in jail with me going, how did I get here? How did the Bible teacher's daughter, so innocent, so pure and so like happy and loving and like I just thought, how did I get here, you know? And there were days when I'd be sitting in the jail cell and I would look at the brick wall and, you know, because I'm sharing this jail cell with other people that, you know, a lot of them were drug addicts and they all, like if you got arrested on a Friday, you couldn't see the judge until Monday for your arraignment. And so they spent all weekend long detoxing off of heroin and meth, most of them. And these girls would scream all night and the echoes in that jail cell from their screams and their screams and their screams.

Starting point is 01:10:02 I just just like get me out of here. This place is hell. This is horrible. And I just would like look at the brick wall. And imagine myself running as hard as I can to try. I'm like, how hard do I have to run and slam my head against that wall to end it? I want to be done. I don't want to.

Starting point is 01:10:30 I was trying to read. books to get my mind out of being in that place. There were people that would come to the jail to do AA meetings. And so there were two different meetings I would go to. I would go to the AA meeting that my friend, I can call her a friend now. Her name is Tiffany. And she was going to the Bellevue AA groups and she would come and do an AA meet, hold an AA meeting at the jail. So grateful for her because she was the one who introduced me to all of her AA friends, sober friends, when I got out of jail. But she would come and she would hold an AA meeting and it was the same meeting. You know, if you've ever been to AA, it's the same meeting no matter where you go.

Starting point is 01:11:20 You in Hawaii, in Seattle, in Baltimore, every AA meeting is the same script. It was very helpful. Like I started, the girls would share their experience, strength, and hope. And it was in jail that I realized that I was there, that what I did that got me there wasn't that much different than what all the other girls, right? If I'm there and they are there, we have something in common. What is that thing in common? It's addiction.

Starting point is 01:12:02 Addiction got me there. So there was a light bulb that kind of went on there. And there was a guy who would come hold a different meeting. It was in an AA meeting. But he would come and it was just like, hey, let's sit around in the circle. The girls would sit around a conference room table at the jail. And one day he asked, he goes, so ladies. how many times have you gotten sober in your life? How many times have you gotten sober? And,

Starting point is 01:12:36 you know, we went around the room and I'm thinking to myself, so the girls, well, I've quit five times. I've quit seven times. I'm like, well, I've tried to quit like maybe three or four times. And he goes, well, you're all wrong. If you picked up again, you never really quit. you can only quit one time. And that was the light bulb. That was the final light bulb. I was like, yeah, I'm done now. I don't want to go through this anymore. My addiction to alcohol got me here. I wanted to be so mad at alcohol for putting me in that hellhole and for leading me into just complete despair. yes, these things happen to me. I think the shame of it too that I let it happen was weighing. In fact, I think it still weighs on me, which is why I have never told my story before, because if people are going to watch this and they're going to be like, well, she let it happen. She let Steve do those things to her. But I don't think that anybody really realizes how strong of a control someone can

Starting point is 01:14:04 have over you and your thoughts and your decisions. And especially someone who grew up like me. Yeah. Right. And so... I mean, your whole childhood was based on a hierarchy. Yeah. Right. And so I've carried a shame about letting men do these things when, you know, like maybe a normal person would have said, no, like you don't let someone do that. You have higher self-worth than that. Well, self-worth wasn't a thing for me. I had no self-worth my whole life. It was in that jail cell that I literally started taking

Starting point is 01:14:50 myself permission to find my self-worth and to be proud of myself for not drinking about being and doing the next right thing is another thing that

Starting point is 01:15:06 alcoholics recovery they say do the next right thing and little by little and then it was when I got out of jail after 90 days. I did 30 days in patient treatment at a Thunderbird Treatment Center. I don't even know if they're still open anymore, but it was ran by native, like native tribes in Seattle. And so like they would do some of these like burning ceremonies and things. And and then I also

Starting point is 01:15:38 read a book called The Purpose Driven Life, which also really opened my eyes to being willing to see my worth and my purpose. And it was when I finally graduated from probation from that, that I had been taking these little baby steps doing the next right thing, the next right thing, never drinking again, being mad at alcohol, taking the next step, that I built up self-worth and my self-esteem. I wrote a letter to the judge and to the police officer to thank them. for saving my life. Yeah, it was, it was a long process because my license was suspended for three years. I was on probation for a total of five years. So it was a five year time. Let me go back, because I've actually been married three times. So I was one year sober. I'm still on probation at this time.

Starting point is 01:16:45 But I was one year sober. I decided to, they say don't date anybody in your first year of sobriety. So I didn't. But I was well into my sobriety, very proud of my sobriety date. In fact, my sobriety date is June 20th, 2012. So I'm coming up on 14 years sober. I'm so proud of myself for this, but also humbled and grateful, grateful that I found sobriety because a lot of my friends have not and some of them have died from it.

Starting point is 01:17:19 So I just live in gratefulness all the time for my sobriety. So I'm one year sober and I decided that I'm going to try dating because at this moment still, I'm thinking if I'm going to have a family, which one day I will. I'm like, I'm going to have a family one day. I want to be a mom so bad. And I'm still like, I have my career, which, you know, I'm in real estate back in, well, being on probation, that was kind of hard. I did do some, like, I sold timeshares for a little bit. I worked at Nordstrom for a little bit. I had to have an ankle bracelet. So Nordstrom blessed their hearts. They hired me with an ankle bracelet on. I love it. I hid it underneath my boots. But yeah, I was grateful for that job. but so when your sobriety i download this app called zeusk and it's like one of those dating apps right

Starting point is 01:18:20 it's like match.com or whatever you swipe right swipe left and i got matched with this guy and i i had decided that the next guy i date is not going to want to drink all the time one two well he's he needed to because i was still a Christian at this time. He needs to be a Christian. He, uh, I don't want him to be like anybody I've ever dated before because right now I'm doing life completely different than I've ever done it. As a sober person, I wanted to just be totally different. So this guy met on Zeus that I was matched with. His name is Nathan. And he was like hunter, fisher, kind of like he was ex-military. He wore camel all the time. You know, he lived. He lived. lived in this, oh, he was a taxidermist.

Starting point is 01:19:13 Okay. I think about that. I just laughed to myself because actually growing up in Placerville, my dad hunted, my dad fished. Like, I'm like, okay. I'm used to this. Yeah. Okay. It's different than what I've ever dated before.

Starting point is 01:19:30 Like Pretty Boy Paul or, you know, Casey, who was kind of this like, you know, he loved, Casey loved rap music. So like, I kind of thought of him as like sort of Eminem. And so anyway, like, okay, so Nathan was so different, but he also was familiar. So here I meet him and he was living in Puyallup and I was living in Kirkland at the time, or no Bellevue. Anyway, they're just sistering towns. So I'm still having to take the bus. So I'm still having to take the bus. So I take the bus, because I don't have my license back yet, I'm taking the bus. I go down and meet him for a date on the bus. And I tell him. I'm just telling him my story. Because also, mind you, on my one year sober anniversary was when I told my story. And so now I'm being, I'm free of the

Starting point is 01:20:29 shame of my story of alcoholism. And so I show up to this date, Nathan's there. I'm like, yeah, I'm sober, you know, I've been sober a year and I'm ready to date again. And, you know, we just sat, we talked, actually. We laughed and talked and he was very, I would say he loved bombed me. I don't know if he did it on purpose, but maybe he did now that I think about it. But anyway, so he's saying all the right things. And he hooked me. That was another hook, right? Like he was saying all the right things. But he lived way down in Puyallup. This is like an hour away. So for him and I to see each other and continue seeing each other after this really great date, I told him, you're going to have to drive up to see him. It's otherwise me taking the bus down to see you. It's going to take me

Starting point is 01:21:25 hours to come down. I said, I'm willing to do that. I'm really enjoying, like, getting to know you and stuff. Well, he would. He would drive all the way up. He would bring me flowers. We'd go out to eat, we'd go do stuff. And I'm like, wow, this guy's really going out of his way. So he, it was about two months into our relationship. We had sex. And he convinced me that we needed to live together. And I'm like, well, I'm definitely not going to live with you without a ring. You need to give me a ring. and if you do, and we are on the path to getting married, then, because I'm still a Christian at this time, I'm still under my dad's umbrella of authority.

Starting point is 01:22:15 So, oh my gosh, he convinced me to move to Pua, move in with him. He gave me a ring, and within three months we were engaged, married a month later. I met this man, and we were married four months after that. Because that's what I thought we were supposed to do. And I did not know him at all, at all. I mean, the warning signs I would say are anybody who is trying to rush you into marriage like that is a big red flag. And I kept telling him, like, I don't know, like, I don't know about this.

Starting point is 01:23:03 I know, I know, you're the one. He was telling me, you're the one, you're everything I've ever wanted. And so I'm like, well, if he knows something that I don't, I must just, I need to just trust him. So I'm in Puyallup, surrounded by taxidermy. And like, I'm just, I'm loving this new life because he also had three kids. And so I'm stepmom again. And I get to be a mom, right? And I'm like, okay, and then we're eventually going to have a child.

Starting point is 01:23:35 Right. And so I'm just like into this. And but something's off. And I noticed some certain behavior that he, he would go into these weird like manic depression or something. Later on, what I realized was I think he had borderline personality disorder, but undiagnosed. But he fit all the signs. He was verbally abusive and then it was very controlling and manipulative. So like if he was mad at me for some reason, we would be out on an errand or something. He was getting his haircut or something. Or I got my haircut. He would drop me off and then go back home and then make me try to find my way home.

Starting point is 01:24:31 Or if he was mad at me and he wanted, he. would tell me to get the fuck out of his house. Get the fuck out. I'm like, I'm not going anywhere. I don't even have a car. He's like, well, I'm going to freeze you out then. Middle of winter, he would turn off all the utilities until, you know, of course he had a fireplace, so I knew how to make a fire. So I would just make a fire and I'd sleep on the couch. I'm like, I'm not going anywhere. But I said, if you keep telling me to get the fuck out, I'm going to get the fuck out. So I started packing my stuff and I had them in bins in the garage. He'd come home the next day. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry. You know, I just need counseling. So we started counseling. I'm like, there's something wrong here.

Starting point is 01:25:17 Something is definitely wrong. And the counselor is like, well, maybe you have PTSD. So we started learning about PTSD, so on and so forth. Now he had something to blame his behavior on. Right. course. But, you know, he also, I had to call the police one time because he was throwing furniture at me. He was taking big pieces of furniture like lamps and things. And these giant beautiful sculptured lamps, pick it up, throw it and crash and fall on the floor, throwing it at me. He one time was yelling at me. He punched a hole in the wall right next to my face. So I did. I called the police a couple times. The police would come. They didn't arrest. him. They didn't do anything. They did nothing. But I said, you need anger management. So he went to the

Starting point is 01:26:07 VA hospital and started doing some counseling. I can't remember exactly the timeline of all of this, but he was doing all this. And we were going to counseling together. And what I realized was it's not working. Well, at the same time, like, I don't really know this guy. I don't know him. Like I just barely even know him, not even a year into this. And I'm like, well, I'm going to go search on his laptop. Well, I put into his email search bar, I think I was like, I don't know. I think there was a pop up or something. I noticed something, a Craigslist ad or something that had popped up on his email because

Starting point is 01:26:50 I was working on his laptop and I was like snooping around. I highly recommend snooping, by the way. I think people who don't snoop are stoop. But I'm an open book. You better be an open book with me. You can search anytime you want. That's the way I am. That's just me. But anyway, so I'm on his laptop doing something. And then I start snooping. I saw Craigslist. I'm like, oh, Craigslist. So I put into the search bar Craigslist. And all these Craigslist ads popped up in his email of him soliciting sex from like men, women, couples, all this. I'm like, what? Crazy. Yeah. Now, whether he was doing that while we were together or way prior, I don't know.

Starting point is 01:27:37 But the Craigslist ads were definitely there. And so I'm like, I don't know this person. This person is not who I thought I married. And I have nothing against gay, straight, by whatever. You do you. I have zero judgment. And even at the time, I was like, if you would have. just told me. Literally, that's what I was going to say, yeah, like, it's different as somebody,

Starting point is 01:28:01 like, tells you about that. Exactly. If you just told me, then maybe, like, we could, at least I would have known who I was dating. Would I have married you? No, but at no judgment. Yeah. Marry who you want, but make sure you're telling them the truth about who you are. Yeah, for sure. So, but I don't think he was even telling anyone. I think he was doing this secretly. He didn't want anyone to know. And that's, my opinion is that that's where his anger and his mental illness was coming from is that he's just closeted, you know? Right. So anyway, he's threatening get the fuck out.

Starting point is 01:28:40 I'm getting the fuck out. I moved out and I filed for divorce. So now I'm married and divorced three times. And this is, it's weird because I was getting ready to come here. And what did I really want my message to be? Message. definitely tell your story, be vulnerable. It's okay to talk about the things and be relieved of the shame of your story, the parts of it that you're shameful about, because when you tell your story,

Starting point is 01:29:10 the shame does lift and you do get support. And people will, you know, they might make negative comments. That's not going to surprise me because I've been hearing negative comments my whole life. But the positive comments that you might get on this episode, they will lift my soul and I will find my worth. Not that I rely on positive comments, but it will remind me that I'm worthy of love and respect. And that there's other people that needed to hear your story. That's right. Our stories are meant to be told, not to be kept inside. But it's weird because getting ready to come here, I'm like, I think I think I was never meant to be in a relationship. I don't know if being in a relationship was ever my life plan. Because after that third divorce, I was

Starting point is 01:30:14 34 or 5, 35. And I was like, you know what, by this time also I'm really starting to question Christianity and like, what do I really believe? Yeah. And I went to a fertility clinic thinking I'm just going to freeze my eggs. I'm 35, no, excuse me, I was 38, 38 at the time. Going to this Seattle reproductive medicine, I went in to see a doctor about freezing my eggs. because I'm thinking maybe one day, if I meet somebody, I'll have my 38-year-old eggs, and then maybe we can have a family, still thinking that families look like husband, wife, kids. And that's the only way that you can really have a family's if you have a husband. Or a healthy family anyway, that's what I thought. So I go into the fertility, well, prior to this, and as actually at the same time, and I'm doing this. I was volunteering. Volunteering for me has been a way for me to stay sober.

Starting point is 01:31:20 And I love volunteering because it gets me out of myself. I'm doing something for someone else expecting nothing in return. And what I actually do get in return is just like, like I am reminded how grateful I should be for a life that I have, for being alive. So volunteering for me has been amazing. And it's how I stay sober. So I have. I have. had been volunteering for like a foster and adoption agency group that helps place foster kids in homes. And I was, I went to a seminar actually for Olive Crest. And it was actually just for foster agencies. And so there were several agencies represented at this seminar and then like breakout groups and stuff. So I'm sitting in the back watching all these testimonials.

Starting point is 01:32:15 of kids that I've grown up in foster care and how they were so grateful to grow up that way. And I'm bawling my eyes out. I'm single, divorced three times, I just really want to be a mom. And I'm like these kids, I have so much love to give. Like it's oozing out of me, this love. And I keep giving it to these men who don't deserve it. And I keep losing myself in these relationships where all I want to do is give my love to someone that deserves it and that needs it. and that, you know, that's actually, you know, like going to benefit. And I'm like, I just want to be a mom. I want to keep these kids my love.

Starting point is 01:32:54 I went to one of the boots out afterwards out in the lobby. And I was like, it was an adoption agency. And I said, well, do single people ever foster? And she goes, oh, yeah, all the time. There's like a whole single foster mom group and community that, that, you know, they all support each other. And I was like, oh, my gosh. It was like the sky opened up and the sun was shining on me.

Starting point is 01:33:19 And I was like, I'm going to be a single mom. Because I had been taking the bus every day, watching these single moms get on the bus, right? They didn't have a car. They're getting on the bus with their strollers with the kids, you know, the baby Bjorn and they're pulling the stroller up. Come on kids, you know, getting on the bus with like three kids, four kids sometimes. And I'm like, that girl is a badass, right? She is a badass mom. She's doing it.

Starting point is 01:33:49 She's making it happen, right? Of course, she's struggling. But I looked at her and I had a good job. By this time, I was back in the mortgage business. And I actually had a car, actually, too. And I'm thinking to myself, I have a good job. If those moms can do it, so can I. So I decided I'm going to be.

Starting point is 01:34:14 a single mom by choice, foster mom. But then also I'm going to this fertility clinic thinking I'm going to freeze my eggs just in case I meet a man and then we get married. And the doctor at the clinic said, well, Deanna, you're 38. And she goes, so you're going to be a foster mom. And then you're going to freeze your eggs at 38. And if you meet a man, just rough estimate, how long do you think it will take you that you'll meet him and then be ready to have kids with him? And I'm like, oh, no, no, no. Like, if I meet him, we are dating and we're platonic. We're not even romantic for like 10 years.

Starting point is 01:34:57 I won't be able to trust him. I don't trust men. I don't trust what they tell me. I have to know you. First of all, if a man's going to meet me, it's got to be a setup by somebody who already knows this person, knows everything about them, everything. Because I don't trust. You tell me something, I can't believe you anymore because I've been lied to so much.

Starting point is 01:35:19 So I'm like, yeah, 10 years. She goes, well, you're 38. So you're going to be 48 when you're ready to have a baby if you met a man today. And I'm like, oh, yeah. And she goes, let me show you the statistics of what it takes to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have a healthy baby at age 38. She goes like this, 48. 38, 39, and then it drops drastically, 40, 41, 42, like these are the chances of you having a healthy baby.

Starting point is 01:35:55 And I'm like, ooh, she goes, so take it or leave it, my advice, you do not have to take my advice, but this is what it is. If you were to meet somebody and you had these foster kids, maybe you had adopted them, which was, you know, if they need forever home, I'm going to be that. the man you meet is going to love you and your kids as a crew, right? You're all together. This is who you are. He's going to love you and your family and your kids. So why not get pregnant now? Pick a donor.

Starting point is 01:36:29 Get pregnant now. And then foster later after you have your healthy baby. Because if that's what you want, I'm like, I really want to experience pregnancy. And I've done a lot of research on donor-conceived kids and and all of that. So I knew that that was maybe an option. If I didn't meet a man, I would just pick a donor. But I was going to wait until after I foster. So anyway, she was like, flip it. Do you have your baby now and then foster later. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I guess I'm doing this. So I went through the process of picking a sperm donor from the Seattle Sperm Bank. I actually went on a tour of

Starting point is 01:37:09 the actual Seattle Sperm Bank. Wow. I love that. Yes. I did so much research. It took me a couple of months to pick my donor. And do they show you everything? Like, everything. They show you, this is where we have our interviews with the gentlemen. You know, this is where we store the sperm. They showed me like where the cryobank was. They, they, you know, they don't just have the guys fill out a medical, you know, they, they want to know everything. What kind of, where did you go to call? What kind of grades did you get? What did you major in? Were you athletic? Were you musical? What instruments did you play?

Starting point is 01:37:49 What sports were you in? Everything. And then they go on a family history of medical history of not just your parents, but your siblings and your aunts and your uncles and your grandparents on both sides of the family. Then, not only that, but then they have you write you, the male, write like an essay of why you want to donate your sperm and what you would. what kind of message would you like your future offspring to know about you? So I got to read his letter.

Starting point is 01:38:23 And then they actually did like an audio interview with him, asking him the same question. So I got to hear his voice. So this is all on Seattle Spern Bank website where you can kind of go, well, I want a guy that is from this tall to this tall. And I want him to have this ethnicity. You can pick everything, everything you can choose, right? So I just was like, well, I'm German. I'll just pick a German guy, German ethnicity. And then also they test your blood.

Starting point is 01:38:54 So they want to make sure that your blood, your genetics when they meet up, aren't going to have some predisposition of an extra chromosome or having this disease or that disease. So blood tested, I had my blood tested. I picked the donor. I had to narrow it down because they were like, there's so many, right? So I had to kind of narrow it down. The runner-up donor-up donor actually was he had been a doctor. His wife, he was a family practitioner. He had kids of his own. His wife had convinced him to donate his sperm because she was like, there's so many women out there that need, you know, that want to have babies that need your genetics, right? You're smart, you're a great guy, you know, loving, great family man, and we're all on board with you doing this. I thought that was amazing, right?

Starting point is 01:39:53 But he wasn't even the one that beat out the guy I picked. The donor I picked, same thing, he was very smart. He was mechanical engineer. He was musical, athletic. There were so many things about him that were like, same as me, right? But better. And I wanted to pick a tall guy. He was a runner. And so anyway, but it was his essay was the reason I picked him. And in his essay, he wrote a story about how when he was growing up, he grew up with two sisters, I think. He was also like the president of his

Starting point is 01:40:32 fraternity because his reputation with the guys in his frat was that he was, He was a trustworthy guy and a person that they could talk to, come and talk to. So he had a heart. But he told a story about how he grew up. And he used to build sailboats with his grandfather. So this is the mechanical engineer in him. So his grandfather would build sailboats and he'd go and he'd like saddle up next to his grandpa. And he'd tinker with the sailboats help his grandfather.

Starting point is 01:41:03 Well, I think maybe he was in middle school, maybe around this time or maybe early high school. I can't remember. I got to read his profile again. It's been a long time. But he was building his own sailboat from scratch. And as he was doing this, there was a boy in his class that had been expelled or suspended because he was running away. He kept running away. And he ran away like across state lines. And so the police had like brought him back home. And he was running away. And he was running away. because he had it like he this my donor guy had suspected that he might have had like a hard life at home so anyway he's this kid now has to spend the rest of his schooling at home doing school at home and my donor realized oh no this kid's going to have no friends he's going to have

Starting point is 01:42:03 no friends nothing to do no one to grow up with and basically like what's happening at in his house So he went over to his friend's house and he asked the parents, can I bring my sailboat over to your garage and I'll come over every day after school and help him with his homework? And he did that because he wanted this guy to have a friend. And oh my gosh, that's it. He's the one. He is the kind of man that one day when my daughter wants to go and find him and meet him, I can say, I picked him because of his heart and his character. You know?

Starting point is 01:42:44 Yeah. Yeah. And that's your half of him. Right. Right. So that's how I picked him. Also, a non-negotiable for me was one day, you know, they had to either check the box or not check the box that they can be found when the kids turn 18.

Starting point is 01:42:59 Okay. So that was non-negotiable for me. You have to be willing to meet my kid. And so he had checked that box that he's willing to win when the children. So Audrey, my oldest, is one of 10 kids, donor kids. Yeah. Oh, my. Two of them in Australia do not want to be contacted.

Starting point is 01:43:20 You know, that's their right and everything. But eight of them, no, so she's one of the eight that they have all met. So we've met all of her siblings except for two. That's amazing. Yeah. It's amazing. How does she know? She's eight.

Starting point is 01:43:38 Okay. Yeah. She turned eight in March. Oh my gosh. That is amazing. And how was your experience with pregnancy? I loved being pregnant. Of course. It was my dream. Right. It was my dream. I loved every moment of it. And even though it was long and every day seemed to go by so slow because you're like measuring, oh, your baby is the size of a raisin, you know. Oh, your baby is the size of a grape. And I'd be like every week, I'm like, okay, when's the baby coming? How big are you now? Yeah, but I loved it. Like so... Is she your only? No, because I did become a foster mom.

Starting point is 01:44:16 Oh, it's amazing. Yeah. So when Audrey was three, I got licensed to foster and I was placed with a little boy. He was nine months old. And I got to meet him actually when he was four months old, but I started bonding with him at his previous foster family. And then when he came home with me for good. Around that same time, his older sister, so he has a half-sister that was in another foster family, and they were getting ready to adopt her, but the DCYF in Washington, it's DCYF, they contacted me and said,

Starting point is 01:44:53 we really want the siblings to be adopted together. Would you be willing to take older sister? And I said, yes, absolutely. And then I was wondering, well, why didn't they take brother when he was born? Yeah. And it's because they didn't want him. So they only wanted her, not him. And so when they kind of were interviewing me and this other foster family trying to decide, you know, because once they realized that, oh, they're going to be taken and she's going to be placed with me, then they started saying, okay, well, we'll take him now. Right.

Starting point is 01:45:31 They went back on it. Yeah. That's not what they originally wanted. And so now they kind of, I think DCYF kind of saw through that and said, well, let's formally interview both parents and really get the whole story and make our decision after that. And I, you know, I just, I had letters, people wrote letters on my behalf saying, she's single, but she can do it all. She has, she's, and she will love those kids.

Starting point is 01:46:01 Like you have, we'll never believe how much she'll love them and give them the life. And so it's amazing. Even my stepson from my first marriage wrote a letter saying what kind of a mom was. I love that. Oh, my gosh. You have no idea. It's meaningful. So I think overall, after everything is said and done, what I've learned about myself is

Starting point is 01:46:26 that, one, you don't have to do anything a traditional way to have what you want. if you can find your worth and your worth doesn't come from anybody but you right it doesn't come from what somebody else thinks of you if somebody doesn't see your worth then kick rocks you know because you're not you're not meant to be in my life i'm not i'm it's not my job to convince you to see my worth. Right? So, so like now if somebody treats me wrong, I hardly ever even give a second chance because it's like, no, but. Yeah. And it's pretty easy for me to cut somebody off now. And that's okay. I have to protect my, exactly, exactly. You have to protect your, your mental health and your worth.

Starting point is 01:47:28 because your worth is and what's funny is i spoke at it was a mother's day event and it the theme was step into your crown right you're you are worthy of a crown you know adjust your crown right and there was something a question somebody asked me and my answer to it was your crown is already on you don't have to step into your crowns already on. You just need to see it, you know? And that's what I've realized about myself is my worth was always there. I just needed to see it and give myself permission to find it. To see it. Yeah. To see it. It's there. I don't even need to adjust it. It's there. It's on. It's secure. And now like I can be. proud of it. And that word pride has a whole new meaning for me. But also, and like I said,

Starting point is 01:48:35 I don't think, what's funny is, okay, people are like, they'll say to me, oh, Deanna, you'll meet somebody someday and he'll be the right one and he'll see your worth and he'll give you the life that you've dreamt of. And I kind of think to myself, I don't really want. I don't need it. I don't need another person. I don't know if I want that. And that's okay. It is okay. Isn't that? It's so strange to me that my whole life I thought that I maybe one day, you know, I will meet somebody. And then for it to dawn on me that, because I really love that quote, I'm not trying to find my better half or my other half because I'm not a half. I'm a whole and my family is whole, you know, me, my three kids.

Starting point is 01:49:30 We don't need a husband. We don't need that to be a whole family, right? Other families that maybe there's two moms. Do they need a husband to feel whole? No, right? Maybe two dads. Do they need a mom to feel like a whole family, two dads, and kids, no, you're whole. And just because somebody tells you that you have to do it in a

Starting point is 01:50:00 traditional way does not mean that that is correct. Maybe that's correct for you, but for you to force that ideology and that way of thinking on somebody else is just absolutely not fair. And it's absolutely not fair to put that on the kids and make them feel like they are weird. Yeah. Or that they're something just because there isn't a dad in the home or something like that. Well, I think, too, you know, it's totally, we go through so many different chapters and phases in life. And right now, you're meant to be doing what you're doing. And I do believe that if one day you're meant to meet somebody that you will. But that's not something that you need to force or think about. I'm like a huge believer in, you know, it'll come if it's supposed to.

Starting point is 01:50:51 And if it's not, that's okay too. And I think the beauty of where you are now is knowing that either way, you are more than okay. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You know, there's one thing that I did not touch on that I definitely want to say because it is part of that trafficking story. Because that's what I believe happened to me. And that's what I believe Steve did.

Starting point is 01:51:17 And here's where I kind of just want to add this little. part in because the people that were there, the people that saw what Steve was doing and even participated, have reached out to me over the years. There have been over the years, one person would say, hey, Deanna, if you ever want to press charges against him or bring this up in any way, I will stand with you in court or beside you to authenticate what you are saying is true because, you know, of course he's going to say I'm lying or that I'm crazy or that I'm making it up or that I wanted it, right? Of course he's going to say that. So that's number one, because I do. I have those people and including people he would not expect to have

Starting point is 01:52:11 reached out to me. But two, there was a time when he was like, oh yeah, Deanna's, Dan, I'll do anything. I'm going to take her to San Francisco and we're going to go and hang out. Now, in my mind, I'm thinking we're going on a trip to San Francisco to go see his friend who, you know, I think there was a concert or something. Anyway, we met his friend in San Francisco at a bar and Steve invited him and this other, this girl that his friend was with back to the hotel that we were staying at. Of course, I didn't want them there because I wanted to be with Steve. But that night, of course, what happened? He wanted to swap. And, you know, of course, also I did it because I just wanted to please him.

Starting point is 01:53:01 But these are the things he did to me that I've never spoken about, that I have been afraid to talk about for the shame. And then also just hoping someone will believe me, you know. and mostly I owe it to the guests that have bravely told their stories on my podcast to show them that I believe this with my whole heart that if you share the hardest parts of your story, that it will help somebody else, but it will also help you. it will be very healing to get it out to be free from it. And I think the shame and the guilt that comes from judgment of others and what other people think doesn't really matter. You know, and I think that the more people speak out and share their stories and show that vulnerability and openness, the more other people will realize it really doesn't matter what anybody has to say. That's negative.

Starting point is 01:54:10 You know, like if all these other people are willing and able to do it, I can do it too. And I think it is extremely empowering to use your voice in a confident way and just get it off your chest. Because then, you know, I literally am an open book. I have nothing to hide. It's all out there. And you do it, you do it and you are doing it in a way that is not only beneficial for yourself but for others. And it's such this full circle amazing thing. And I think that it shows so much to your children, the type of woman that's raising them, which is amazing.

Starting point is 01:54:44 and something you should be so, so proud of. Thank you. I love them so much. They're my dreams come true. I tell them all the time. I dreamt of having them. And now I do. I like when people ask me, hey, Deanna, how you doing?

Starting point is 01:55:01 I always say, I'm living the dream. It's true. Yeah. It's true. I'm living the dream. And I can't think of a better life than what I have now.

We're All Insane - My Boyfriend Trafficked Me to His Friends

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