We're All Insane - My Cousin Killed Himself After Molesting Me

Episode Date: August 12, 2024

Ashleigh shares her story of facing an unimaginable betrayal by someone she trusted—her own cousin. The events that unfolded not only left her scarred but also led to a tragic conclusion. Overcome by guilt and remorse, her cousin made the irreversible decision to take his own life. This video delves into the devastating impact of these events, highlighting the importance of seeking help and speaking out against abuse. If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Business Inquiries please contact: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. My name is Ashley. I am 26 years old. I'll be 27 soon from North Carolina. and I'm here today to talk about my experience with sexual assault and then my cousin later on killing himself. Okay, so I'm going to start out with my family history. The way that I have explained this to people before is, have you ever seen the Brady Bunch? No, but I've heard of it, but I haven't watched. So it's like these two families who married and,

all of these kids from the two sides of the family come together and are joined together. You know, it's one big family. So my grandmother, my biological grandmother, had my father and his sister. And then my grandfather had two daughters. They married, everyone came together. They were all kind of the same age. So it was like a lot of, I guess they were like adolescent at the time, kind of like moving into like furthering into their teen years and then they together had another son. So I have one side of the family that I'm not blood related to, but I was always kind of like raised around, knew about, except for one aunt. Like throughout my entire childhood, I was always told about her in passing, but she was never at holidays. There was like no Thanksgiving,

no Christmas. There was nothing where she showed up. So, you know, that's confusing to me because I always heard about her, but she wasn't there. And, you know, naturally as a kid, you're going to have questions about stuff like that. So I would ask and I would just, I would get these roundabout answers about her. Nobody really wanted to tell me what was going on. Um, probably until I was maybe nine or ten. So my parents divorced when I was seven. And I'm from a really small town. They lived maybe a mile and a half away from each other.

So I could easily play it off like, okay, mom, I'm mad at dad. I'm coming over there. And of course, they're going to fuel the fire and go back and forth and pick me up. So my mom, she's awesome. She was just like typical kind of southern mom.

I was mean to her growing up, but I think I just had a lot of, you know, like, aggression as a kid and, you know, going through divorce and stuff like that. You're going to pin your parents against each other, at least in my case, I would. But my dad was a really, really, really severe alcoholic. He, there was never a time that he wasn't drinking beer. And it wasn't like four or five or six. Like he would buy 12 packs, 24 packs, sometimes even more than that. And sometimes there would be like a bottle of Jack Daniels in the freezer.

And he would act like it was this really expensive, like high quality stuff. He'd be like, this is the good stuff. Ashley. And I'd be like, okay. So when I would stay over there, when he moved after they divorced, you know, a mile and a half down the road, he had this apartment. that just became, I don't even think hoarded is like the word for it. It was just like a cluster fuck of all of these cardboard like beer cases.

Like you could not walk. I don't even think you could take a step without like stepping on one. So it was really bad, but I didn't really know the difference yet. Like I knew that my mom's house wasn't dirty like that. But I was also young and impressionable. I didn't know any better. I feel like when you're that age, you don't really think much into things.

Like you're aware of it, but you don't really think twice about it. Right. It becomes normal. Not at all. I mean, I did probably, I did later on, like I would get mad at him and be like,

it's me or drinking. Like, I'm going to live with mom unless you stop, but I would always fold and come back. Because like I was saying, like I would, I had that kind of advantage over them to like get mad and go to the other one's house and they would always let me. So where was I? Oh, the, okay, so the apartment was really, really just terrible.

There were a lot of like, you know, when people dip and they have like the box. There was a lot of that. Lots of carbon like food boxes. Just it was really unmanageable. He was functioning in a sense of like he went to work every single morning. Like he would get violently sick. Every single morning, I would hear him throw up, but he would still go to work. And he was an electrician, which blows my mind.

Like, how can you drink almost like 30 beers a night, then wake up and not electrocate yourself the next one? It's crazy to me. And he never got fired or anything like that. But eventually, I don't know what sent him over the edge, but there was eventually a point where I guess he just didn't. want to like live in squalor anymore and there was I'm assuming he thought there was like one person that he could contact who would clean for him who you know wasn't going to go and spread his business which was his sister or step sister technically um the aunt that nobody ever spoke about that I was mentioning earlier so I remember she came over and

she was with her two daughters and my dad paid them like $100 to clean up the place and he told them any change you find like any random dollars you find you can keep he bought them pizza I remember I thought it was like looking back on it I think it's such an asshole thing but he pulled me outside and he was like they're finding a lot of money and I bought them pizza so I'm just going to give her $80 and I hope she takes it I remember being like what but you know it's my dad so I didn't know any different then, but they did a good job. They cleaned it. It eventually got dirty again, but they did a good job for what it was worth. You know, he probably could have paid them more for the amount that they had to tackle. But I guess, you know, seeing her for the first time, I think I mentioned

I was probably like nine or ten when that happened. Seeing her for the first time, I started pestering a little bit more like who is she like why don't people talk about her and eventually um i think my dad was drinking a lot one night and let me know like she was shunned pretty much out of the family because she had a history of like dancing and experimenting with drugs i come from a really like southern baptist strict if you don't fit in you know we're gonna kick you out immediately not acknowledge you kind of upbringing. And I remember even thinking from like that young age, that was kind of weird. And I didn't understand, you know, why people still didn't want to have a relationship with her.

I didn't see her again. Sorry, I didn't see her again until my father eventually passed away a couple years later from liver cirrhosis from the amount that he drank. And he was, I believe 42 and I was 12. He actually passed away on Christmas Eve, which is like the most. fucked off the time or someone to pass away. He was so young. Yeah, really young.

I didn't know at the time because it was one of those things like I was saying, you know, the family just swept it under the rug, didn't acknowledge it. And then you were back with your mom full time. Yeah, so I lived with my mom for the next seven years of my life, but the aunt came to my dad's funeral. And she, I remember, she was like, saw me. and she hugged me and that was like the second time I'd ever seen her. So I always remembered her. I always kind of put her in the back of my head because she was really the only person that seemed

that emotional over it, you know? Um, everyone else was beginning to seem kind of like robotic. It just, it's just kind of strange. So, um, I was living with my mom. I was, I was a terrible kid. I was a hell on wheels. I gave my mom such a hard time. My mom went through like three complete knee replacements and like a spinal fusion and all of these things. And I was no help at all. I have a brother who's autistic as well who needs a lot of care. He's not like, not to put anyone down, but he's not like the kind of autistic that you can go and like have a conversation with. And they're like really smart with stuff or he's good at video games.

Like he's smart with stuff like that. But like he's nonverbal. like he will never live alone um he sweet as can be like i love him to death but he's he's a lot you know and i just helped my mom probably like the bare minimum um in high school i was incredibly rebellious i didn't really want to like drink or smoke weed or anything like that because it you know i didn't want to like fall in line with my father but that probably lasted for like all of three years and then when I entered 10th grade I just I think the first thing that I did was like fake weed I don't even think I had smoked real weed yeah but it was like

k2 of some sort or something and I lost my fucking mind like I just started parting all the time in high school um my grades dropped clearly and I had like a really rambunct group of friends. We would like go to, um, this recreational center and we would sneak down into the woods into like these old cabins that were completely falling apart. And we would party in those. I think that's so weird now. Like they could have fallen down at any given moment, you know, like seven, eight kids and them being crazy. But that was, I guess, what felt like freedom to me at the time. And I was, I was rocking with it. Like, I didn't really think about much else. I didn't really think about my future or college or, you know, like repercussions or, uh, repercussions.

Yeah. Maybe. Of my. I sure hope so. Sounds right. Yeah, right, right. But there were, none of that matters to me, which is crazy now, because I've grown up to be such an anxious, like, cautious person. Anyways, I didn't want to live at home anymore because, God forbid, like, my mom's not cool with me, like, doing drugs. I was like, she's the worst. I got to get out of here.

So, I think it was just a little bit before I moved out. I decided to add that aunt on Facebook. I saw she had a Facebook and I was like okay I'm about to be you know a real adult I can do my own you know make my own decisions do my own thing and she was trying to get rid of these hedgehogs that she had and for whatever reason my mom was like sure you can have a hedgehog so I met her for the third time did your mom know where you were getting these hedgehogs yeah she did I my mom isn't um I think I failed to clarify this but like my mom's side of the family wasn't okay with like the drugs and stuff of course because she's a good mom but like they are a lot more open and like less judgmental than my dad's side

of the family was so did your mom ever tell you anything about this aunt or no if she did i don't remember if she and also if she did i don't think it was anything more than like i already knew okay that like she just kind of wasn't accepted for her past and you know those things so My curiosity was growing about her because I was already out here, you know, like making these risky choices and stuff like that. So she came over. She gave me my hedgehog. And she had one of her sons with her. I think that is the son that I'm going to be talking more about later.

She had several children. So that was like my third interaction with her. And I kept her on Facebook and we would talk occasionally like just about movies and life and stuff like that. And I was like, wow, you know, this is someone in my family that I can really kind of connect with. Which I thought was cool because, you know, like I said, my dad's side of the family was super strict. not very accepting. And then for whatever reason, I kind of like resented my mom's side of the family too. I think a lot of that stemmed from the death of my dad too, which all of that's resolved now.

Like, I have a great relationship with my mom's side of the family. But I was working at a restaurant and I was kind of getting my own money a little bit. not much but we were from a really small town so it felt like a lot and I remember I got my tax return it was like 800 bucks you know woo-hoo that's a lot when you're young so um I started looking for places to move out when I was just about to turn 19 and it lined up pretty well I think like right before I turned 19 because my birthday is in July I believe I moved in May I got my own apartment and it was only $390 a month. Wait, $3.95.

But still, that was a really good deal. It wasn't exactly a studio, but it was close to it. The rooms, there was just like kind of a wall that sort of separated it to maybe not make it a studio, but otherwise it definitely would have been. But I thought I was a shit. That was like really important to me. Oh, I also forgot to mention just backtracking a little bit. I received an inheritance when I turned 18 because my dad's blood father had died.

So like not who I would consider my grandfather, not the one from like the Brady Bunch scenario that I used. But the man that my grandmother had been with before like his real father had passed away. And they sold some property or something. And I ended up with like $12,000. Wow. So I bought a car because I didn't have a car yet. So I moved out.

I had some money. I got a bunch of like weird tattoos with money and bought a car. I was also spending a lot of money on like weed, taking my friends out to eat. Like I said, like random tattoos, just stuff like being young and, you know, just blowing my money. But I spent like a good like. I think 7,000 of it on a car. So that was good. It was my first car. It was a Toyota Yaris. And I thought I was really cool, you know, 19, you know, on my own for the first time. When I started talking more to my aunt and I was kind of going out a little bit more on my own and wanted to like further my

money and I was like, okay, I'm just going to start selling weed. Like that's the thing to which is so ridiculous because I was so young and I was not making any money whatsoever doing it. The only thing I probably benefited, if you will, from it was I got to smoke some weed for free sometimes. This period of my life did not last long. I just didn't, even then, I just didn't think it was worth it. I think it was doing it more for the reputation. I just thought I was so cool. I definitely was not, but not at all. I thought it was so cool. I don't, I wish I did, but I have no idea how it came about.

I don't remember if it was my aunt or like one of her sons, because her sons that were living there, there was the oldest son who was probably, fuck, I don't know, like 23, 24, who was living there. back to live at home. Then there was the middle kid. He was maybe like 17 coming into 18. And then there was the youngest and he was like 15 or 16. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast. Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration,

and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to true crime news available now wherever you get your podcasts. So I don't remember who it was, if it was my aunt or one of her sons, but somebody messaged me and maybe they had seen it on Snapchat or something, but they wanted me to come sell them weed. I was like, fuck yeah, like this is awesome.

Like I kind of had her on the back of my mind anyways. You know, I wanted to meet them and, you know, see what that side of the family was about. Because at this point in my life, I just didn't feel accepted by anyone. So I went over there. I sold them weed. And they thought I was like the coolest thing ever. Of course. I had like not a lot on me.

And I would keep like this. like a smellproof box that I would put it in and I would put all my money in there too. Like I did not have a savings account. I would just roll around with like, it was your box. Yeah, it was my box. So, you know, I get there and I like open out this box and there's like all this cash. And it couldn't have been more than like $800. Like I don't know why.

I never like made had more than $1,000 when I was younger. Like I said, it wasn't worth it. I wasn't making any money. I wasn't, you know, I was just waitressing at this like little. fried chicken spot. So I went and I felt very validated and I felt very cool. And I quickly realized that that was a safe place for me. I could smoke meat there.

I could say what I wanted. Like I was respectful. You know, I wasn't mean to anyone. I've never really been like a mean person. But I just felt accepted. I could talk about things freely. There was nothing to hide. Like, it was something I had never experienced before.

So, I would, I started going a lot. Like, I would just go to visit. And then was it always just the aunt? And then was it, did you see the daughters also? Or were you seeing the sons? Oh, I'm so glad you said. So her daughters were much older. They were in the house.

Okay. And then she had the three sons and one of her daughters had actually passed away. And her daughter had three children as well. So she had her three sons and then two grandchildren that stayed with her all the time and one grandchild that would come occasionally. So it was a pretty full house when you would go. Incredibly. Yeah. I would tell people that it reminded me of shameless.

Yeah. Because it was so chaotic and it really did kind of like mimic that that setup. So like all the kids were there, which I'm so ashamed to say that now. But like all the kids were there. They were around like not when we were like smoking or anything, but they knew what was going on. You know, it's not like anyone made an effort to hide it, which I have very different feelings about now. I guess that like my frontal lobe has developed. But back then, I, like I said, I just thought it was like a place to be free.

So she didn't have a lot. And her daughter passing was like new. So everything was really fresh. She was given a pill that was pressed with fentanyl. But it became like a, it wasn't just like an overdose thing. It became like this massive murder investigation because there were a lot of messages and links between people to prove that they intentionally like gave her that. It was really sad.

I think when I first started going over there, like the first couple times I had like cross pass with her and then she passed away. So like it was really fresh and it just happened. So that it was it was really crazy. But like I said, you know, I felt like I fit in. And it was a cool. It felt like a cool place for me to be at the time. So I would go after work.

I worked at like that fried chicken like buffet style restaurant and we had a bunch of food that they would have to throw out at the end of the night. So I would get like three big to go plates and just like fill them up to the brim with like everything I could and I would bring it over. And the kids would destroy it. You know, the older sons would too. And we would smoke. We would like find music on YouTube. I remember we found Juice World. really, really, really early on.

And we would, we thought we were so cool for like, you know, finding it early. Not that it matters in the big scheme of things. But we would always like listen to his music and just different things. It was like back in the like SoundCloud rap era, you know, which really fit the vibe of like what was going on there. And we had we had fun. Like I'm not going to lie, we had fun. I wasn't really drinking. I started drinking like later in life.

But we didn't really, or I didn't really drink. Sometimes they would, not like the young grandchildren, but the underage, like two sons would. And they, they would drink. I started like buying Kratom from the smoke shop and I would like bring that over there too. And they would do that sometimes. Like, I don't know. I kind of felt like, I think I smoked weed with like the two younger sons for the first. time and I do hold like some level of guilt about that like I do think it would have

happened eventually regardless you know like that's just part of growing up yeah especially in the area that I grew up and like there was just nothing to do but like go out to eat or like do drugs so you're either going to be like fat or high so that's what they should label the town as Fat and high. Yeah. It's like when you enter here, these are your two options that you can take. Yeah.

It's just one of those little like rinketing places, you know. Just to give you an idea of, you know, like the drugs and the fun and the music and all of that, you know, feeling like I finally had a family sort of, even though they weren't like my blood family, really masked like the instability in that house. And it felt like I'm an incredibly. sensitive person. I will cry about absolutely anything. Um, like anything. So it really, um, affected me. They had this, this is really sad, especially with your dog in the room, but like, they had this dog, um, who I think was a puppy of another dog that they had. And it became sick. And it became really sick, really fast. Um, I think it was a little too old to have part. Um, But a lot of like I heard a lot of that.

I didn't really even know what parvo was yet. I'd never been exposed to that. And the dog stopped eating. It was getting really, really, really thin. Like the fucking dogs that you see and like those like in the arms of the angel commercial. You know what I'm talking about? It was so sad. And nobody was doing anything about it.

It was like everyone was just walking around and not talking about this. dog that was dying in the house. I don't know how it came up, but one day, I was like, look, like, I have my little, like, $800 that I, you know, was keeping around. I was like, look, I will drive you, talking to my aunt, like, I will drive you to the vet. We can, and the vet was, like, the one she wanted to go to was pretty good ways out. I'll drive you there. We need to get this dog checked out. Like, it's making me uncomfortable that nobody's doing anything. We went, and the, when we got there, the vet, like, tore my fucking aunt up in front of me. It was like, I guess she had known him for a while. Um, I had taken other dogs there and he was like,

what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, very clearly was like blasting her ass out in front of me. And I think she had brought, um, her grandson for some. reason. I don't know why he was there. But he was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, you have neglected this dog and you have like neglected your responsibility as a pet parent to the point that there is almost nothing that I can do for you. He gave her, he was really straightforward. He was like, this dog is fucked. Basically, like, I'm going to give you this, you know, um, medicine or treatment, whatever. And you can try, but there is probably nothing you can do, um, And she didn't want to euthanize it for whatever reason.

And he sent us on our way. And I remember being like really embarrassed because I guess I felt like it was my fault. There wasn't much more than I could have done other than what I did looking back on it. But I was really embarrassed just to like be associated because I was like, okay, these people are fun. But at the end of the day, like there's a lot more to be done than have fun. I didn't like grasp how screwed up that was until later on though. So we drove back. I remember the dog like shit in my car.

I think it was like liquid. And my aunt was really upset about that. And it almost seemed like she was more apologetic about that than like the state of the dog. Like she was worried about that. And I really like I wasn't mad at all. Like I was just, you know, glad that I did what I. I could and we went. Um, the dog wasn't getting better at all. And I remember her husband, my uncle, he was a dick. He's still a dick. But he would always say, like, this is the fucking

fat's fault. Like, this dog, like, swallowed a sock or something. Like, it has a blockage. Nobody did a fucking x-ray. Like, is that my fucking fault? This dog's going to die. Blah, blah, blah. So, probably like a week later. I went over there and we were, because it affected me, you know, a little but not to the point that I wasn't going to go around anymore. You know, that was still like my safe spot. So I went over there and

remember, I told you there's three boys like the oldest, the middle, and the youngest. The oldest and the youngest are gay, just to go ahead and put that out there because that might be a little bit like relevant to the story. and it also kind of like divides them a little bit because I don't want to spill name so like we can say like the oldest one and the youngest one and the middle one and whatever it'll come it'll be relevant later but the youngest one went in there or I'm sorry we were all smoking weed and then the youngest one left the room for something we were downstairs and just started like screaming and ran back in the room was like and told us that the dog was dead and I immediately was like oh fuck so I like hopped up ran in there and I don't know if the dog

had like already passed away and you know they say like they might twitch a little you know when when they pass away I guess like the nerve endings or so I don't know how it works so I don't know if the dog had like just passed away and twitched a little or if I I walked on, like, right when it was literally, like, in its last moment, but I saw it, like, twitch ever so slightly, like its arm and its eye, I think. And the dog was just dead on the floor. It was just, like, a skeleton. And I really opened my eyes and I looked around and it was just, like, this house was in fucking shambles.

Like, there was dog shit on the floor. There was, like, just random stuff everywhere. and now nobody's cared and it's like this dog got neglected to the point that it just like fucking died in here while we were all you know hanging out. I lost my mind. Like I think I was like at least more outwardly upset than like anyone else in the room. Like I was so angry. I'm pretty sure I left very shortly after because I just, I've just, I've been.

felt like I couldn't even like look at my aunt and my uncle. I was just like, who are like, how did this, you know, because then it was real. That, that really brought it to life. So, um, brought it to light. Sorry. So that really, really fucked me up. So even after that, I don't think I was coming around like every single night, but I was still coming around a little bit because I was young. I was dumb and, you know, I was like, okay, well, I should forgive them. You know, this is, and I think they were trying to do a little bit better. Like, everyone, one was acting like that impacted that maybe it did you know um that that would never happen again you know they were trying to make sure like i don't know maybe the dog did swallow something i'll never know

what happened to it um but i do know you know it was left until there was nothing that can be done um they were they seemed to be trying a little bit harder to like keep things nice for like the kids and stuff and I don't know like it seemed like some amount of ever was being made nothing crazy though so I started coming around a little bit more

I started getting really close with particularly like the youngest of the two so the middle one and then my youngest cousin we were hanging out a lot a lot the oldest um

was definitely really put off by like the events that had been going on. He actually ended up like leaving in the middle of the night one night and sneaking through the window and go in to live with someone else and never told anyone. Like just dipped. And I get it. You know, he was, he was a little bit older and he was probably really like, whoa, what's going on. So I don't think he had dipped yet though.

I just thought I would mention that. But I really can't place. when he did either. It's been probably like six years since all of this. So it's kind of hard to, you know, figure out what the timeline looks like. But I was hanging out a lot more with the middle and youngest.

And we were just smoking all the time. Just hanging out, being stupid. Being young, definitely not doing like anything productive or cool. And, I had been staying the night like every now and again. I just felt comfortable enough too and I would get really lazy and just not when I

drive home. I didn't live more than like maybe 20 minutes from there. But, you know, I was young and I was comfortable crashing there. You know, I didn't see why not. It, or at least I was comfortable with like the people I was around. Comfortable enough to crash there. so sometimes I would just like fall asleep on like the couch or in someone's room or whatever the case because like it's it was my family at the end of the day so I felt safe there one night I feel like

it's I feel like I've said this a thousand times but it probably didn't happen like damn near a thousand times but well that's an exaggeration but a lot of times we were all smoking weed and hanging out And I fell asleep in the middle cousin's room. So like I said, he was like the only straight one. And I felt really safe with him. We had a really good relationship. We joked all the time, you know. I just thought, you know, he was cool.

And then I fell asleep in there and I woke up. It was probably like, 3.30 to 4 a.m. And he had like one arm, because I fell asleep in his bed and he was like way on the other side. I blamed myself for that for a while. I was like, I shouldn't have been falling asleep in my cousin's bed in the first place. But now I think I think a little bit like more logically about it. And I try not to blame myself. But he had like wrapped his arm around me and I woke up because I could feel him kind of kissing my neck, like on the back, um, like around my hairline. And I remember I like kind of, you know, I was groggy as fuck. And I started waking up and I was like,

what the fuck is happening? Um, the first thing that started running through my head was, you know, did I like give off the impression that this is like what I fell asleep in here for? Like, what the fuck is going on right now. So he started kind of like kissing the back of my neck and his grip was tight on me and he was, I completely forgot to mention this before, but he was a really angry person when he wasn't in a good mood. There were a lot of holes in the walls. He had lashed out on the grandchildren a couple of times and like push them really hard or I want to say like hit them a few times, which I didn't really zero in on at the time because they were being raised as siblings. So I was like, okay, like sibling rivalry. He's just, you know, an aggressive guy.

But he was built. He did a lot of sports. He was strong and he was aggressive and he had his arm around me. So I'm kind of in panic mode. And I had always been the type of person who was like, you need to stand up for yourself. You need to like, you know, say no when, you know, you need to say no. Don't let people take advantage of you. you know, I always thought that I would be the type of person who it sounds bad because it is bad, but like wouldn't let that happen to me. Totally not the case. I guess it's just something you don't get until you're there.

But I was laying there and I just kind of froze up. He was like trying to kiss on my face, kind of like working his way around, like really bringing me at close and then I remember he like tried to kiss me on the lips a couple of times and I was kind of just like dodging it a little bit but I didn't say anything um and he pulled his pants down I remember being like oh fuck you know this is really escalating a lot and he started like playing with himself behind me. I'm still in this like, I honestly can't remember if it was like closer around my chest or maybe like higher up almost like a chokehold. I remember telling a couple people that it felt like a chokehold, but I don't want to say like he he wasn't literally choking me out.

But he had a fucking grip on me. That's for sure. And he started playing with himself behind me. and that was really weird, really shocking. I did not know what the fuck to do. I think he must have been really, really nervous and known, like in the back of his mind that something wasn't right about what was going on because he started like touch, he had at some point, like, I can't remember if I had on like shorts or, what the deal was. Like I said, it's been like six years.

You don't really like remember what you're wearing. But my shorts or pants, whatever it was, had been like shimmied down. I could feel him and he like couldn't get off. Like he just, it wasn't working, you know, for lack of better word. I'm trying not to be like too brutal. He messed around and like tried to put himself. inside of me, but he couldn't do it. Like, he, something was off.

He was super nervous. Rightfully so. And I'm so glad he was because, you know, not to take away from what I experienced, but that could have been so much worse. So I'm really glad that it didn't work out. It got really awkward. I think he tried to kiss on me a little bit more. I don't want to say the wrong thing, but I think he did.

And then I think he even like, like, said sorry but I think it was pertaining to like him not getting hard like as if that was like something like not sorry for what he was actually doing right right it didn't work thank God because you know like I would say not to make it better but right it doesn't make it better but um I just feel like that would have been like so much more traumatic yeah so I was freaked out immediately I felt really guilty. Like I felt like I was like I just played a part in that. Like, you know, I could have done more. I could have told him no. I could have spoken up for myself. And to me, I was like, okay, well, I just, you know, that was like incestuous because what the fuck, you know, why would I do something like that? Which it wasn't, you know, my fault. And I know that. I know that now. But in the moment, I was also. just, I think I was still 19. I might have just been about to turn 20 or newly, I think I was actually newly 20. I take that back. I think I was hanging out there for about a year. But I immediately felt like

really, really disgusted with myself, not even like, you know, that like dirty feeling that people talk about. That was part of it too. But the biggest thing was like, why did I just let that happen what the fuck is wrong with me like I'm a basket case for that so I think I said it happened at probably like 3.34 in the morning and I think it was probably about five before the time that he had said sorry um I think he said sorry he said something I don't know what I say like I'm not sure if I'd even want to know it was probably something like small I felt I felt really small at the time and really stupid and you know just all of those like really intense confused emotions so uh he fell back asleep really quickly might have had to do with you know it being early in the

morning or maybe he wasn't even really asleep maybe he was just faking it you know i have no way of knowing but i was pretty sure he'd fallen asleep and i got up it was probably like five at this point like I said, I got up and I made my way out and I, um, I just, I flew out of there. I was like, I'm not going to be here when everyone wakes up and have to like deal with this awkwardness. Like, I don't know what I just did, you know, like really blaming myself still. So I got out that door fast as fuck. And I didn't even realize like how frantic I was until I got in. that little like Toyota Yars like I had said and obviously like it's not a push to start.

And I had to turn the key to start it. So I turned the key and I turned the fob so fast that the fob broke off of the key. Like it was just the little tiny metal part of the key. And I'm sitting there like and there was nothing wrong with the fob. Like I just crushed it. Like barbarically. So I'm sitting there like, well, how? the fuck am I going to get out? So I snuck back in. They had this little, um, kind of like a, like a screened,

a screened in room where like they would have plants and tools and stuff like that. So I snuck back into the house, um, because I guess I didn't lock anything. And I stole like a pair of pliers, I think it was. I guess it had to be. And I took them and to my car and I like grabbed the key in them and I started my car that way and I kept that fucking pair of pliers the rest of the time I had that car for like years to come. I never got another key. I don't know why. I went home. It's like stereotypical what you see and like a movie or what you read and a book but I remember I showered like immediately. I was like I just felt disgusted and I did not want to carry that with me.

which of course the shower is not going to fix that but that's just like the first thing that I thought to do which was probably a smart move um and then I sat around and just felt so strange for the rest of the day like the following day I don't remember if I worked or not I don't remember what I did at all I just remember feeling really really uncomfortable with myself um and really really really really guilty. And it felt like this place that I felt safe and like free to be myself and like enjoyed going. And these cousins that I had developed this kind of like new and still blossoming cool relationship with wasn't going to be able to continue at least not in the way that it had because, you know, I let that happen or I led him to believe that I wanted that. And I started,

over the course of like the next couple of weeks, I started thinking about like our conversations and how well we were joking and like how well we were getting along. And I was like, damn, I really did lead him on. Of course, I don't think that way now. You know, I've worked my way through that. But in the moment, I guess I just, I did not want to be someone that. that that had happened to. So I would have rather considered myself to... Like, be at fault. Yeah, yeah.

Like, I was really willing to sit there and be like, okay, like, I wanted to have sex with like a family member, you know, which is so wild. I wanted nothing to do with that. But I just couldn't rationalize it. And I'm the type of person. I will fixate on something so deeply. I will stay on Google. And I was telling you about that before we started.

And I'll just like look and look and look and look and look for answers. But this was something that like I couldn't even look up. But I kept, I don't think I wanted to look it up. I just kept going on and on and on in my head trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me. so I was coming up short in that aspect because I nothing was really wrong with me so I couldn't explain it so it was bothering me even more in it it took me probably a few months to really start coming into the idea of you know I I really don't know like the difference between molestation or like sexual assault I don't know what the definitions are but I know it was something along those lines so. So, or rape, if you will, I don't, I don't know if I can call it that. If it didn't, you know, cross that line. I don't know what people particularly, like, consider that or, you know, like I said, what the definition is.

But I came to the point where I was starting to kind of toy around with the idea that had happened to me. And in this time period, I took a huge step back. And I wasn't really going over there. And if I did go over there, he would stay in his room and not come out. which so his behaviors and the way that he was treating you changed also after that moment oh yeah okay um he was definitely really passive aggressive if we did interact like maybe that's not the right word for it i don't know but he was avoiding me and if if i did like yeah i was coming over significantly less, but I still really enjoyed being around, particularly, like, the younger

gay cousin. And I guess I felt safe with him, too, because it was like, okay, I have a good relationship with him. He's gay. He's not going to cross these lines. The older one had definitely dipped at this point. And did you tell anybody or you were, like, bottling this all up on your own? I have a best friend that I've had for, like, over 10 years now. His name is Alston, like with an L. Alston. Do you want that in there? Yeah. Okay.

Just being sure. That's fine. He'll love that. She really specified that one. He'll eat that up. But I told him. I think that was the only person that I told though. At that time, I think I actually ended up mentioning something along the lines of it to the younger

gay one. I don't know how detailed I put it. but I did attempt in this, you know, kind of period where I wasn't coming around as much to message my aunt when I was home at my apartment one night. And I was like, hey, I think, you know, your son might have a crush on me, you're like, might have feelings towards me because I wasn't about to tell her everything that had happened. and the only thing that was ever acknowledged, she, it fucked me up so bad.

She was like, well, you guys aren't blood related. So whatever happens, I would support you. I was like, what the fuck? So I just didn't say anything. And then I think later on she messaged me. And I don't know if she kind of had an idea of what had happened, but she said, I think it was, hey, I think I'm misinterested. what you had mentioned about my son.

I'm sorry if I did that, but that was it. So I don't know if he ever said anything to her. I'll never know. Or maybe if like her younger son had said something to her. But I honestly, and the weed probably plays a big part in my, how hard of a time I'm having, remembering, you know, exactly what happened. But also, you know, you block things out. Right.

No, but I don't remember exactly what I told the youngest son. So I just have no idea of no one, and I still don't to this day exactly what everyone knows because I've never had that conversation with her directly, which is for a lot of different reasons. But after that, so he was getting really passive aggressive with me and he was becoming definitely really depressed. It was almost like a switch flipped and he began like spiraling. into this really deep depression and his aggression was like worse than it had ever been. He started almost like borderline bullying his parents into giving him money to like buy weed or by whatever the fuck he was doing at that point. I don't think he ever really like did hard drugs. I think I heard of him like dabbling in a couple of things here and there, but I don't think he ever did hard drugs like that, not, you know, consistently. at least, but the weed was a huge thing. I have never seen someone go.

So apes shit over it before. Like, I had seen it a couple times in passing there, so I'm sure if it happened in passing, it happened a lot. He would just scream and pitch huge fits and become very violent, like demanding money or demanding that, you know, somebody dropped something off for him or he was going to lose his shit on them.

And he was pretty scary. Like, he was a, he was a pretty built guy. So they would always feed into it. There wasn't much more than, you know, they would just always give in to, like, kind of, I guess, like, shut him up or satiate him, whatever the deal was. And he just spiraled harder and harder and I was coming over less and less. It was around this time. So we're in a really small town.

I decided I was, so it was probably about a year of me not coming around very often and him like spiraling into this depression. And I got a job at a club in a city like an hour away and I was dancing. So I was making more money than I really knew what to do with at the time. I definitely like didn't save it the way that I should have or anything like that. I have not much to show for that time of my life, which was probably like a good five years. Well, maybe like four years. But the fact that I was driving out like an hour was keeping me even further away. But because I had all this money and didn't really know what to do with it, I was kind of reaching out to the grandchildren more.

And I would pick them up and we would go do things. Like I would take them to this amusement park that was maybe like two hours away. Or we would go swim or we would go shopping or like we would go out to eat and then go shopping. Like we just whatever you can imagine because I guess it helped me to still have a relationship with them. And I knew that the home environment wasn't good and they had already gone through a lot. so I was trying to, you know, stay in their lives. So one day I was dropping them off or picking them up. And like I said, you know, he had been really going downhill for maybe a year,

maybe a little bit more at this point. And me and his younger brother snuck into his room for something. I can't remember what it was. but when I walked in his room, I was talking about how bad my dad's house was before. Dude, his room was ridiculous. Like, it broke my heart. It was like my eyes were open and I was like, holy shit. He is so depressed.

This is insane. Like, there were just piles and piles of stuff everywhere. Like, the only thing you could do was kind of like beeline it. there was like enough of a path to get to like the table where he smoked weed which was covered in ashes and then like his bed which also had stuff all over it like it was just ridiculous like think man cave times a thousand like nothing i've ever seen before maybe like on hoarders or something it was really extreme it was like what the fuck he's he's really you know going through it and there was something at the back of my head that told me

or maybe not told me but made me believe you know that whatever occurred between us whatever you want to call it you know assault molestation rape kind of caused this pit of like self-hatred in him and it was downhill from there because it really happened like that like that occurred and then it was bam

and it just kept getting worse and worse and worse So that really freaked me out. And I don't know if it was that day particularly, but another day or that day it could have been, I don't know. I was picking up the grandchildren and hanging out with them and dropping them off. And when I dropped them back off, he was upstairs. And we, like, never crossed paths at this point. And I don't remember what he said to me. but I'm not really one to like get into heated arguments in the first place.

Like I'll let a lot go. I can be a doormat. But something happened. I think he was, um, I think he actually started being aggressive towards like one of the grandkids, not, not physically, but just like getting in their face and saying something. He was mad about something. And I tried to stand up for them. And he fucking like lost his shit.

it was like scream at me and marching around the house just being fucking crazy and then there was almost like a moment where we like caught eyes and there was like a mutual understanding of like I could shut this shit down in one second like if I told everyone you know what happened and he just like got quiet so fast and went downstairs um that was one of the last interactions we had I another time I came around and I was sneaking around with his younger brother again, we were probably like looking for a lighter or something stupid. And we went in there. His room was in the same state.

And I was just talking about this the other day. This was, like I already knew he was depressed. Like I had already been shocked by the state of his room. But when I came back down, this was probably the last time that I was over there too. this just like push me over the edge um i would still occasionally pick up the kids after this but like I wouldn't even go in I was done but uh I walked into his room and I was with you know the youngest son and there were like two knives crossed into an X on the table that he would use to do what the fuck ever

in a torch and the knives were like burnt black obviously from the torch and I was like what is this like what is he doing down here and my cousin was like he's doing knife hits have you ever heard of that i haven't either i was like what the fuck it's like what's a knife hit um and I guess he'd been doing it like I don't know if my younger cousin had done it I would assume not um maybe fuck I don't know but apparently he was torching two knives till they turned like fucking like orange or red whatever till they were you know like lit the fuck up and then picking up a piece of weed with them and inhaling like what would come off of the knives and that I was like this is the craziest like most crackhead I mean that's probably rude but it was like that's what went through my mind was like this is the craziest most like

crackhead should I've ever seen. When did it, when did it progress so far from like everyone hanging out, being stupid and being young to like something this dark? And then like I said, I just like stopped going in. And he had eventually, like I said, you know, that was like our last interaction when I fought with him. We still had each other on Snapchat though. And, you know, know, I was doing my thing, you know, I was becoming more detached because I was creating more of like my own life. I moved closer to the city. Like I said, I would still pick up the grandkids from time to time, but that was it. It was just like too unstable of an environment for me to see anymore. And I think I was growing up and recognizing, you know, just how bad it really was.

But he sent me randomly one day. It was like this long message on Snapchat. And I don't know if he eventually deleted me after this or just deleted his whole account. But he sent me a huge apology, like acknowledging what he did. And I guess, you know, kind of acknowledging how it had affected him too and that he carried a lot of guilt from it. I I truly don't believe that he had ever done that to someone else

watching that like switch flip in him yeah um I've voiced that to people before and they'll say you never know you know it could have happened more than you I only remember him really dating like one girl though um and we don't talk I don't think I have her like

on any social media or ever have but I just, I don't know, I just have this feeling that it happened to me, or he did that to me, and just couldn't stomach himself. And it just like spiraled into this deep depression, deep addiction, like deep aggression towards his family. This was the first time I'd really realized that too. You know, I just thought, okay, well, he's, you know, a fucked up person who's getting more fucked up.

and now it was like, okay, this makes sense. And there was no reason for him to contact me then. Like, I hadn't been over there. And ages past that point. He had no idea I'd been in his room and, like, seeing what I'd seen, however long back, it was just really out of the blue. So it was clearly on his mind. And I responded, and I told him that I forgave him.

And I do forgive him. And I don't, like, hold hate in my heart towards him. I don't think he's a terrible person just because he did a terrible thing or had, you know, terrible habits. I know I'm not painting like the prettiest picture of him, but he did have some good qualities. I just think that he was becoming like a really lost soul, you know. And I get like the vibe too that maybe he had those thoughts or questions within his head about you and the relationship that you. and the relationship that you guys had and then went to try to do something about it

and then obviously it didn't work and then that probably added on top of already like the negative things he was feeling about like doing it when you weren't when you couldn't really give that consent and like and then he probably felt more guilt and more shame around it and then obviously the distance that happened after that since you guys were close prior

I feel like all of the combination of those things probably just sent him down that spiral. That is like perfectly worded. Yes. I agree 100% with that. And it became apparent to me then, you know, and I really, I told him I forgave him and I really did. And I was like, you know, we can just like wipe the slate clean, whatever, you know, people fucking say. And move on. You know, I wasn't about to be around again because it wasn't an unstable environment.

I might have tried to have some sort of relationship with him if it wasn't for that. but like at this point I lived like probably a little over an hour away and it just I just wasn't comfortable with it you know he he was already in this bad place he had one really good friend like who was a good kid um they had like played sports together in high school at this point he was probably like 21 okay um so you know they graduated together they would hang out all the time it was It was like the one friend that was always there for him. And it was extremely tragic. I remember I woke up one morning and looked on my Facebook page and everyone was posting

about, you know, his friend. And he was asleep one night in his family's trailer and a tree fell and crushed him and killed him. And that was huge. And I feel like that was probably like one of the last things keeping him. I don't want to say sane, but like him holding it, like holding, you know, a fragment of having some type of like stability or like a normal friend or a normal relationship because clearly, you know, the home environment wasn't good.

I don't think it was probably ever that good. Also something like that happening, I feel like can just set you over the edge. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. I cannot imagine. It's like one in a billion that that would happen to. And to be so young, it's just so trash.

tragic. Um, so his friend passed away and I think he just entered, you know, I've been saying he's entering like this deep, dark depression and, you know, I know, I think I've said that a couple of times already, but this time it was like full throttle, you know, I never got to see maybe like what his room looked like. Um, one of his, there was a, I forgot to mention there was like another grandchild. There were four grandchildren, but only three of them I knew. There was another one who I didn't meet till later in life, but he would like rap and stuff. And I remember he would put out songs. And I heard one talking about how like his brother was just like rotting in a cave. And that was like the perfect way to put it. Like he was just sitting in because it was like,

a room in the basement. He was literally just like rotting away in that cave. He would get a job from what my aunt had told me, because I would talk to her very occasionally. But he would get a job and quit and, you know, just, it was just like nonsense. It was just cycles of, you know, trying and failing. And I think he tried to move out for a couple months once and ended up back at home. And I'm sure it was just like depression, you know, beyond anything I could understand. because I've never been through that and I've never had to feel what he felt. And I really felt for him then. And it just, it fucking sucked.

I think I tried to reach out to him and that might have been when I realized that he had either like deleted snap or deleted me. And I think he had a Facebook and he had deleted me off of that as well. I was at work. I was dancing. I would do day shift a lot. because where I worked had that option and I just don't really enjoy staying up late. I never did. Later on I ended up waitressing there and I had to stay up late and it just about killed me.

But anyways, I was working day shift one day and I got a call from like one of like the living daughter of my aunt who like wasn't really in the picture that I talked about. one of the ones that was, like, cleaning my father's house. And I was, again, I got a call from her on Snapchat. And I forgot I even had her on there. I, like, looked at her name. I was like, what? And, like, walked around in one of our, like, private rooms. And I answered the call.

She was screaming. I was like, what the fuck's going on? You know, my mind is jumping to the grandkids, I guess, because that's, like, that would have been, like, the worst case. You know, God forbid something happened to, you know. and she was like my brother's dead my brother's dead and like something didn't click in my head even at that moment that they were siblings I guess because she was like so much older and I never really started I was like who are you talking about right um I probably sounded condescending and I wasn't trying to

come off that way I just had no idea you know what was going on and then she said that cousin's name I was like wait like what the fuck are you talking about and she was like my brother just shot himself in his room. And the first thing I said was like, okay, do the kids know? You know, I was just like, I guess trying to be like protective or so. I didn't know what to say. She was like, no, they're all at school. She's like barely getting these words out.

And I told her I was like, okay, you know, talk to your mom, be there for your mom. You know, we as a family will figure this out together. We eventually got off the phone. And I'm just standing there, like, feeling like an idiot, like in the middle of a club. Like, what the fuck do I do? Like, what's going on? You know? So, like, walked around for a little bit.

It didn't really hit me at first. Because, you know, at first I'm, like, in denial. You know, like, the stages of grief kind of work out the way they do. You can't avoid them. So I'm like, kind of in denial. And then I'm just, like, hit with this overwhelming sense of, like, this is my fault. because I introduced him to weed, and then he started spiraling terribly after what happened with us. And now, you know, I look back now and I'm like, there's so much more to it.

And that's how I was looking at it, like, what happened to us. Like, I wasn't separating what he did to me. It was like, what happened to us? Like, because I was at that point, I'm like back on blaming myself. And I ended up, it was the weirdest thing. I ended up staying and working my entire. higher shift. And I had a friend in there at the time. I don't think she was meaning to be a bad influence. I love her to death. She's like grown up a lot now and has kids and is doing really,

really great things for herself. I was starting to like drink a lot at this point, kind of like following in those footsteps of my dad. Plus I could drink at work and people would buy it for me. So, you know, it kind of like helped to deal with the atmosphere. So she was just walking around telling people, hey, like, her cousin died today, like, buy her a shot. And I took, God knows how many of them. I would drink, like, pretty burly stuff, like, Maker's Mark and, like, Jameson. Like, I was not fucking around. And I got fucking plastered. And then it was probably, I ended up staying late. It was probably like 9, 10 o'clock. And it hit me. me. I don't know if it would have hit me at that time or sooner if I wasn't drinking, but it hit me

and it hit me hard. And I was like, I don't think I'd ever cried at work before. But, I'm not sure if I did after. But I was like, it wasn't even crying. It was like full on panic attack, just a new level of just losing. You know, I was losing it. I'm sure if anyone witnessed, me in that state, they're like, what is up with her? Because I was pretty together for the most part. And I walked out and, like, next to the bathroom, they had, you know, like the hand sanitizer pumps that are connected to the wall. And I walked out and I took my shoe and I, like, roundhouse kicked that motherfucker.

And I kicked the hand sanitizer off the wall, like, all the way down the hallway. And then my manager, like, the bathroom. in the office were like right there and I looked at my manager like I need to fucking go. She's like, okay, I would like to say I ubered home that night, but I truly don't know if I did. I had a really bad track record of drinking and driving, which I think is so embarrassing and such a terrible thing now, but like back then I was really reckless and I did not fucking care about it. I do not advocate for that at all. But just trying to be honest, like I probably did fucking drive home.

I would like to say I didn't, but I don't know. Um, so, uh, at this point, there's not many people that I can really talk to about it other than, you know, Alston, the friend that I was talking about. So I, um, I was dating this girl at the time who, thank God I got away from. That could be like an entirely separate episode itself. Um, but I went home and I tried to talk to. her about it. This is like the second person that I had like really fully opened up to about it. And she completely shut me down. She was like, you should not be talking about this. I do not want to hear you talking about this. It is disgusting that you would forgive him and pretty much like he

deserves to be dead. Like, don't fucking bring it up again. And you know, I'm at home. I'm plastered. I'm pissed off. I'm grieving. I was like scream crying in my floor. I felt like so unseen. Like just no one understood, you know, and who would. It was just such a insane, like, timeline of events that had played out. So I didn't really talk about it. You know, I was already made to feel like I shouldn't have forgiven him and I shouldn't

be grieving him. But I did. So I was having this internal battle of, am I wrong for forgiving him? and for, because I had forgiven him, like, before the suicide happened. Like, that was, you know, I really, I kept my distance, but I didn't hate him. I didn't wish him, like, any ill will. So I'm thinking, am I a bad person for, like, letting this go and letting this be? Or is it okay to feel that way?

Like, she had said, you know, you forgiving him is just saying that, like, you, sexual assault is okay. It's a forgivable act. And no matter how much that I tried to explain it, because I don't think, you know, like you can just do something with someone and get away with it, you know, scotch-free. But I think every situation is unique too. And everyone's entitled to feel the way that they do. And it was, it was such a rough, like, am I wrong for feeling this way?

And if I feel this way, it kind of started bringing me back into if I feel this way, like, did I actually want that to happen that night? Is this my fault? So, the days following that were pretty terrible. I think his funeral was like a week later. And it was the craziest thing. It was an open casket funeral. I have no idea how they pulled that off. He had on a hat. and I don't know what else to call him. Maybe people call them like drug rugs, you know what I'm talking about? Like the little sweater things that you get at smoke shops, he had one of those.

Or maybe he was buried with, I don't completely remember. But one was in the casket. There were a lot of young kids, like from football and stuff. And they were leaving like vapes in his casket. And I was like, I know this probably. seems like the right thing to do in someone's like young mind but I just could not wrap my head around like people are leaving nicotine vapes in his casket and that bothered me because I'm like he was more than you know um whatever he used or yeah the the addiction style yeah yeah yeah and it's like okay

you guys are burying him in a drug rug with like vapes like what so showing up to old was he when he he was 22 when he um shot himself so i uh i failed to mention my dad's side of the family that had once shunned my aunt now shunned me which had you know back when i was talking about being over there all the time kind of fueled my need to be accepted because i was like okay well my aunt went through this and now that same side of the family is doing it to me you know these are the only people that I can connect with. So the funeral was, um, not that it's about me. Obviously it's not, but for me it was kind of awkward. There were a lot of people that I hadn't really talked to or seen and probably like three going on four years at that point. Because I wasn't showing up for holidays.

I just felt super awkward. They had started rumors that like I was a prostitute and just all these ridiculous things that were not true. Um, I remember I went out to Washington. DC with a friend one time, like from work. And just to go. Like just to, she just wanted to go. I was like, okay, I'll go with you. And that, like, started the prostitution thing. They thought I was, like, driving out to Washington, to Washington, D.C.

To, like, be, I don't know. I don't know. So it was awkward, like, kind of seeing everyone. And it felt strange. The service itself, like, his dad got up in the middle of it. and was like grabbing his body in the casket, like screaming like, my boy, like, how could you do this? And they fought all the time. So, um, because he was not, he wasn't a nice guy.

I think I mentioned earlier. He was a dick. And my aunt had mentioned something to me, um, later on after the funeral that, um, his dad, her husband had made some type of comment about like, and, And God forbid, like I get this wrong, you know, I'm not trying to put the wrong words in anyone's mouth. That would be incredibly disrespectful. But it was something along the lines of or close to, like, him being, like, worthless or, like, not worth a fuck or something. And that was, like, one of the last things that he had said to him.

So my aunt was telling me about that after the funeral. Because we were messaging. It wasn't in person, but we were messaging because I guess I felt inclined to, like, kind of talk to her again. They had watched him, like, go and take. his dad's gun out of his dad's vehicle and go into his room with it and that they had called the police and the sheriff had shown up and like when the sheriff got there he shot himself in the head like they were they knew like kind of what was going on and he still did it anyways they were having um he was having like really violent outburst still and I guess they had like called

the cops on him once before and let him spend the night in jail to like try to teach him a lesson or whatever and I think they had threatened that again and then when the sheriff showed up it just like pushed him that much further even though the sheriff wasn't there like right for that reason so like following the funeral I think I started kind of accepting what had happened all over again because it was like I'd come to terms with it and that just reopened it so much more because obviously like suicide is so devastating and It probably made you realize, too, like, wow, this was a lot heavier on him than I thought. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's like, where did that heaviness stem from? Like, I know that something switched in him after that had occurred. But, like, did it all stem from that? Or, like, I would think would he have gone down that path if I didn't start? Yeah, it's like so many questions that you ask yourself. Yeah. If I didn't start, like, bringing the weed, you know.

when he have turned into this like super aggressive person about so i don't know and i never will you know there's um there's a part of me that just had to come to accept that but i haven't been more um honest about it with people i'm not like incredibly open but i did like have a conversation with my mom um and my now fiancee like i'm i'm really open about talking to it i also have like a really good support system in my life and really healthy people in my life. So just to go back a little bit, you know, I continued working at that club for a while. I would say maybe two and a half more years after that, maybe three. The last one and a half two, I spent dancing and I was drinking a lot.

Like I definitely was kind of trying to drown out how I felt. I dabbled in drugs a little here and there. And I kind of saw myself going down the same path. And I switched to waitressing there. I was a cocktail waitress for a while, probably about a year. And I worked to the door for a year. Like a door girl, you know, I don't know. And I started babysitting for one of my managers there.

I really am not going to go too far into this because I recently quit. But I did that for two years and that kind of got me used to. watching kids and started kind of like putting that into my mind that I could do that. And then I met my fiance who was a nanny. And she kind of like brought me into the world of nanny and meeting her just changed things a lot for me. Like she supported me throughout, you know, the waitressing and working the door and all of that. Like she didn't care that I was working at a club, but it also was getting to a point where I was growing out of that. Yeah.

Um, so I did. Um, she had found another job and I kind of like picked up a family that she had left off with. And I have been there ever since. It's been really nice because I feel like, you know, I did struggle and I don't want to spend like too much time talking about my drinking or anything. But it was bad. Like, I was blacking out a lot. Um, I'd saved up a lot of money and gotten like this really nice car. It was an infinity Q70 L. I paid it off in a year. I worked my ass off for it. And then, like, hit a guardrail one night and, like, messed it up. I didn't, like, wreck, wreck or, like, hurt myself. But it could have been so much worse. I was just not really caring about me or the people around me in the way that I do now.

I had to really take a step back, figure out, like, who I wanted to be in the imprint that I wanted to make on, you know, the people around me and, you know, what I wanted to do with my life. I still don't know, like, what I want to do with the right. rest of my life. Yeah. You know, I know I can't nanny forever. That would be exhausting. But I'm figuring that out as I go. Just to like tie up some loose ends on the story, I don't talk to my aunt at all anymore.

They have had a lot of drama ever since. It just kind of feels like it's still like the same unstable house. I have them on social media. I fear that they would find this and like hate me for it. But at the same time, I don't feel like I have any. to lose. And like my ultimate message is that just because someone does something to you or you go through something traumatic doesn't mean that you can't find that forgiveness or that you're wrong for wanting to forgive them. And I definitely, and I stand by that. You know, I'm not trying to

excuse anyone's behavior or make anyone feel like what they went through was anything less than what it was. But if you do feel like that's something that you would benefit from, or that someone does deserve that forgiveness or for you to give them that grace. I think that's really important. And I feel like people shouldn't have to, like, hold hate in their heart if they want to. If they want to, like, more power to them. You know, I can't tell anyone how to feel, but I know how I feel about it. And I think it's awesome that, you know, I have a couple really good friends and a really good

fiance and a good relationship with my mom now. You know, we kind of started mined. things when I stopped drinking so much and started kind of like getting my life together and being a real adult. So it was, there's a lot of hope. And it was really incredible like getting to see things change in my life so quickly when I started applying those changes. So I got out of the club. I stayed out of the club. I nanny full time now. And we recently, me and my fiancee moved into a like little, it's not little, it's, it's like a, I think it's like a one and a half wide trailer. On we have like two, maybe pushing three acres of land.

Ten animals. Like I was telling you. Three horses, two donkeys, a bearded dragon, two cats, and two dogs. So we stay really busy. We have a great relationship with my mom. We see her often. And, you know, my mom's side of the family in general. It's really, really small.

But that's all I really need in the first place. I never ended up reaching out to anyone else on my dad's side of the family. For all I know, they probably still think. That you're a prostitute. Yeah. And if not that, you know, I am engaged to a woman. So I don't think they're going to come around anytime soon. And I don't really.

Well, then you don't need them in your life. And I think, too, another important thing about your story is that there's a lot of victims of, and I agree with you. It's a fine line and it's hard to know the definition. of molestation, rape, sexual assault. But it was one of those things. For sure. Yeah.

And there's a lot of people that probably go through those similar or the same thoughts of blaming themselves, whether it's wondering if it's their fault it happened or if they led the person on or why they didn't stop it. And because they didn't stop it, the person that did it to them wasn't at fault. but I'm here to tell you along with I'm sure a lot of other people that you 100% weren't at fault because you don't know what you're going to do in any moment whether it's something like that whether it's somebody holding a gun to your head or literally anything of a verbal confrontation you can go into something preparing yourself of like well I would do this or I would do that

or I would handle it this way but when you're in the moment you don't know what you would do And on top of it, not to make an excuse, but you already had in your mind how this person was a little bit more on the aggressive side. And if it really came down to you fighting back or standing up, who knows what would have happened. Right. You know, and I think that in those moments, you do seem like somebody that you're a very, like, caring, nice person. So you try to give people the benefit of the doubt, which is okay. But that doesn't mean that it was your fault. And that also doesn't mean that you were in the wrong for not.

not turning around and being like, get the fuck off me. Because like I just said, no one knows how they're going to react in those situations. And while, yes, that wasn't right of anyone or him to do to you, it also doesn't mean that he shouldn't have his life. Like, that's horrible. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah.

And I think that once again, people can have their own opinions of like, well, because he did that, he doesn't deserve to live in more power to them. You know, everybody's entitled to their own thoughts, their own opinions. I agree. But in my opinion, nobody should be dead or, you know, feel that. And it is really unfortunate that clearly he was living a very dark life and had a lot of guilt for it. You know, and like I kind of said before, I think that that probably came from the fact that he had his own twisted dirty thoughts towards you. Try to do something.

And then it didn't even work out. So he probably hated himself even more. Right. Some level of embarrassment, some level of shame, something. All of it. Who even knows? And who even knows how deep that actually. went probably deeper than you can even think of and the thoughts that he had about himself

in the situation. Who knows? And it's really sad that he couldn't get that help. But it's sad that even by getting your forgiveness wasn't enough. But it's never something that you should be like, what else could I have done or what could I have not done to make this happen? Because everything happens the way it should and the way it's supposed to, even if it's bad or doesn't make sense.

You can't go on with your life blaming yourself. or thinking about the what-ifs because you're never going to get an answer and you're only ever going to go in circles and you're not going to be able to move forward and you're still so young. So you deserve to be able to have a full, happy life and move forward. And if anything, be able to what you're doing now is speak on it and be a voice for other victims that have felt that way and show strength and courage and open up and give that vulnerability to yourself and just make people know that it's okay to even though situations can be sticky like this, for example, you still don't have a relationship with those people and you know

that they probably would have their own negative thoughts about you coming on here. But for sure. You're still willing to speak your truth and share your story, which is so important because it takes a lot of strength to do that, especially because you are somebody that I feel like you didn't just have the thought of like, he did this and it was wrong and I'm here to share that side of it. Like you're coming from a different angle of it of this sympathy, which I think is really big and speaks a lot of volumes about you as a person.

Yeah, because I don't want people to think just because they have that same sympathy that, you know, they're wrong for it or they're enabling anything. But it took a lot and it took a lot to get to the level of comfortable I am and it took a lot to like make the decision to, you know, just not, because now, you know, I don't see the grandkids anymore. Not that it's their fault, but I just don't go in general. I think it's just not a good place to be. It was kind of like, you know, I was telling you about the dog and how everyone.

just kind of watched the dog as it died. I kind of feel like the same thing happened with my cousin. Everyone just kind of watched until they, you know, couldn't do anything anymore. And he just rotted away. And I don't think he deserved that whatsoever. I think that he deserved, you know, whatever, counseling or therapy or, you know, whatever he needed to turn his life around. And I wish that he would have given himself that opportunity. And you could only hope to that one day they realize, you know, kind of get a good grasp on what really happened in the sense of like that he was struggling and even your perspective of their whole lifestyle as a whole. You know what I mean? That maybe one day they would come around and be willing to kind of mature in that way to have a

conversation or even just, you know, you never know. But it isn't, I don't think it is a good environment. And I think it is still kind of fresh if people aren't in that place yet. to be better, to put it nicely. Yeah, it was really nice. Yeah, I know it's, but I guess I don't know, I'm trying to like articulate what I'm thinking. The same grace that I would give him, like, I hope that, you know, I give that to them too.

I hope that they can like better, you know, the house and do good for their grandkids and their children who are still around, you know, now they've suffered, like, losing. two children and I know that's not that's the furthest thing from easy I would never know that pain I don't have children on my own but I can imagine it's fucking terrible so um you know I wish I wish the best to them I think I'm still kind of like working on my forgiveness towards them so I feel a little bit of like um anger about I think it comes with time yeah and even understanding it within yourself because like you said, you've been through such a process with like going from blaming yourself

and feeling shame and guilt and this and the other, for so many different things that have happened that I feel like once you've really kind of grown from that and learned from it and healed from it, I feel like then you'll be able to start going into the process of like forgiving them. But it's a long process and it's not something that happens overnight or even within a few years. It takes time. Yeah. Give yourself some grace with that. Maybe like three years.

Yeah. I'm hoping at some point in my life, but I guess that's everything. Well, you did amazing. I really have to say. Thank you so much. Seriously, of course. You're like, you're such a good storyteller. Thank you.

Really. And I feel like you did such a good job of telling your story, but not, like we said before, like not coming off as like blaming or being rude. Like you were, you told it very true to yourself and you did a great job. Thank you.