We're All Insane - My Dad and Brother are Rapists

Episode Date: April 19, 2026

Maddy was six years old when her father went to prison - but no one told her why. Growing up, everything felt confusing, unstable, and unspoken. The truth was always there… just never explained. In this episode, she shares what it was like growing up in a home where abuse was ignored, secrets were kept, and she was left to figure it out on her own. On This Episode We Cover:  → 00:00:00 – What makes someone finally decide to share their story? → 00:00:35 – What happens when a parent goes to prison during childhood? → 00:01:20 – How do parents’ backgrounds shape a child’s life? → 00:03:00 – What does a toxic relationship between parents look like? → 00:04:45 – What does early childhood feel like before everything changes? → 00:06:30 – When do childhood experiences first start to feel wrong? → 00:07:55 – What leads to a parent receiving a long prison sentence? → 00:09:10 – What happens when a parent suddenly disappears from a child’s life? → 00:10:40 – What is it like growing up without stability? → 00:12:45 – Why do some children feel like outsiders in their own family? → 00:15:10 – How can a sibling become controlling or abusive? → 00:19:30 – What happens when abuse becomes normalized at home? → 00:22:50 – When does a difficult situation start to escalate? → 00:25:10 – What does it look like when boundaries are completely crossed? → 00:27:15 – How does abuse begin and go unnoticed? → 00:30:10 – How do children process traumatic experiences at a young age? → 00:31:30 – What happens when no one steps in to help? → 00:33:10 – Why do families suddenly relocate or start over? → 00:35:45 – How do children discover difficult family truths on their own? → 00:38:10 – What changes after moving to a new environment? → 00:40:50 – How do sibling relationships shift over time? → 00:42:30 – What happens when a troubled family member returns home? → 00:44:30 – How can harmful patterns continue in new environments? → 00:46:45 – What does a breaking point within a family look like? → 00:48:20 – Why are some children sent away from home? → 00:50:20 – What does a safe and stable home feel like after chaos? → 00:52:30 – What happens when someone returns to an unstable environment? → 00:54:30 – How can a parent’s new relationship impact the family dynamic? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. All right. So my name is Maddie. And basically I wanted to come here to tell like, there's a lot of trauma and a lot of things I've happened in my childhood. My father went to prison when I was six and then my brother just went to prison to like, I think back in March. And my dad didn't get out until I was 16, but I didn't meet him until I was 19. So part of all that is just because it's mainly like my life story and I feel like the trauma, all the effects of what it has has really

just made me who I am today. And I think it's really important, to be honest, and it's just pardon my story. So I wanted to tell it. So I think it's important to start. So my mom and my dad, how they grew up, my dad, he was, his parents were in and out divorced with like three different kids, and they would, it was horrible. They didn't have money. They would kidnap them, like, from each other. And they'd be at school. And then, if the dad dropped them off, then his mom came and picked them up from school. And then you got my mom on the other side who grew up. She was adopted when she was a baby.

And she had an older sister, and it was more of a structured house. So it's crazy to me the nature and nurture of that type of thing with that. But so she, when she was 15, she met a guy in high school, and she got pregnant with my older brother. And then a year later, she got pregnant again with my older sister. So this was before her and my dad ever met. They have a different dad from me. So their dad, she met in high school. And they get pregnant really quick and they have to get married.

It was super Christian household. They got to do what they got to do to get it right with the family. So they get married. And their dad is he just wasn't the best dad. Like, for example, my mom would be at work. and she would come home and he'd be sleeping while the toddlers were running around. And they're five years. My brother is six years older than me and my sister's five years older than me.

So they're like, they're a year apart from each other. So they're quite a bit older than me and they were closer and age with each other. So that was like how their dad was. So eventually the relationship just ended with them, with my mom and him. And it was hard for her because she was always, she never really set herself up. She got pregnant in high school. She, like, immediately started working.

I don't even think, I think she got her GED. I'm not really 100% sure, but she didn't graduate high school. And she was always just working, wait, waiting jobs, trying to just get by and take care of her two kids that she had at such a young age while their dad really wasn't doing much.

So eventually they divorced, and they did get married. I know that. They got married and they divorced. And so she meets my dad, dad at a red lobster that they were working at. And so he's, you know, already has all this trauma that comes into the picture. And my mom is, she's just always kind of wild out. She's always been much of a partier. She likes the attention. She, she just always kind of thinks of like today and not

five years from now, right? So her and my dad meet and it was, it, they, they were, it was just toxic from the beginning because they both were in drugs. They both worked at this restaurant. They didn't have much going for themselves and she already has two kids. So they immediately like link up after six months a year. They're like living together. I know there a lot of stories come out because I wasn't even born. So this is just what from what I hear from my siblings and from other people. They were like selling drugs. They were doing drugs. They were just working at this restaurant to get by. still kind of the same concept. They weren't thinking of five years from now.

They were only thinking what to get by. And by this point, he comes in the picture, and my sister and my brother, I think, were like five or six. They were young. They were like toddlers. So he's stepdad. And my mom really wanted that, at the end of the day, she really wanted that family dynamics.

She wanted, you know, mom and dad, raise the kids, the whole thing. And they actually struggled for a while to, get pregnant with me. And eventually they did. So I was born like five years after they got married and they actually, so I'm from Arkansas. That's originally where I'm from. I was born in Fayetteville, Arkansas and that's where they spent most of their life. So that's where like we all grew up. And Arkansas, do you know anything about it? Supercountry Bible Belt. That's how the dynamic is there. It is what it is. So I was born in Fayetteville, Arkansas. And Once I was born, they got an apartment because my grandmother, my mom's mom, would always help out where she can.

Because my mom's family was a lot more, a little more structured. So they would like try to give her money and try to do that. But my mom was not financially stable. She would, like I said, thinking about what's going to make her feel good. She was smoking weed all the time. She was doing whatever she could just to kind of have fun but also take care of us as well. So they get pregnant with me. And I don't really remember much.

because my dad went to prison when I was six. So, like, the only vivid memories I have of him at that age were, like, him sitting out front, smoking a cigarette, all of us in the house together. And there were weird, there were some weird times, like, I would see him and my sister go into the other room or me and my brother are hanging out by ourselves way longer. But it's like kind of like screenshots because I was so young. So I don't really. Right. So there was one memory that I had that I've always, like, grew up. I didn't really understand it because I was so young.

So he took us to a park, and my mom is always working. This is something that's really frustrating, and I feel for my mom because she was genuinely just like, she didn't set herself up. So she was just working these random jobs, so she was never home. So he was in charge of taking care of all of us. So he took us to the park one day, and I, I saw, my brother, they like went off into this trail, and my brother grabs me and he's like, hey, Maddie, like, let's go. Let's go over here.

And I remember turning around and seeing my sister start to bend down and like she was about to give him oral. And that's the only like vivid memory I have that I've seen of him doing something like that to them. And at this point, I didn't find out until years later the gist of really what, everything that happened. but my sister was seven or eight when the abuse from him started happening. And it sucked for them because this is like their dad. Like I said, he wasn't a terrible man.

He wasn't doing that to them, but kind of just, to be blunt, just deadbeat. He wasn't doing what needed to be done. He wasn't there for them as a man. He wasn't showing them what it's like to be a good dad. So my dad came to the picture. I mean, he's tall, he's masculine. He's working with my mom at this restaurant, making it sound like it's going to be great, right? And then meanwhile, they're like all doing

drugs and doing all this stuff. So yeah, so they were really, it really affected them. But me and my siblings growing up were never close at all. Like the five-year difference, I never even knew what happened until I was probably like 11 or 12 and they never told me. I like found out on my own. So to back up, so the last memory I have with my dad, he was, because when everything was coming out, because he went to prison for this, he got sentenced for 42 years. I didn't really know what was going on. I was so young. Like, I couldn't fathom that this was what was happening. And I remember he took me into the room and he sits me on the bed and he's like, hey, Madeline, I'm going to be going away for a really long time. And I like, I don't even really remember feeling any type of emotion

just kind of like, what? And I remember him just being like, I love you, be strong. I got to go away for a while. And then he left, and we were all in this small apartment, Arkansas. I just remember like chaos. Like I remember a lot of moving around the family houses. I remember packing up boxes, a lot of yelling and fighting. But like those vivid memories is really all I got when he was around.

I didn't really understand what was going on. He was there one minute and he was gone. the next. And then it seemed like in my head probably a month after me and him had that conversation, my mom packed all our stuff up and we moved to Vegas super randomly. And she just, like I said, I guess she had some friends there and she got hooked up with a house, a super nice house. So let me ask you. So it was, so your dad goes to prison for 42 years, your sentence 42 years. And that was because he got caught with what he was doing with your siblings. Right, yeah.

Was it just your sister, your sister and your brother? I'll start to go into those details more. So it's kind of like my point of view at the time because I don't know any of what's going on. And then I come to find out because I end up meeting him when I was 19. So I find out all of these details later on. So growing up. You didn't have any idea. They told me he was in Turkey at one point working and he was in prison.

Yeah. So this is also like you'll notice the relationships with my brother and my son. sister and my mom. Okay. And they were, so she was, I think, eight or nine when he went to prison. So my brother was 10 or 11. Okay. So my brother's the oldest of us. It's just us three. And then my mom. So it was always like that throughout my childhood after he left. So you moved to Vegas. We moved to Vegas. And like I said, I don't know how my mom pulls all these strings to do all this at this age, but she does. And she gets us out of there. And I actually, I had a dog. My dad got us a family dog the month I was supposed to be born.

So we grew up together. And that dog was like everything to me, important to me in this story. And so we moved to Vegas, bring the dog, bring my, all that we had, our car, we U-Haul it. And we just kind of, we just start living life and she's working. And my brother and my sister are in charge of taking care of me most of the time. That's what really sucks with my mom because I have a lot of sympathy for. her because I think there for a while, if she could have done better, she would have, but she was always, she didn't set herself up at such a young age to where she had to just jump straight

to working and straight to taking care of us and doing all the things. So she was always gone. So therefore, it was always me with my older brother and my older sister and they're getting older. And they, I didn't even realize at the time, had been exposed to all this stuff. My brother was already kind of a little chaotic. He should have been treated with something. And we just didn't have the means to do that, to be honest. And his dad and their family weren't about to come in and try and help. So we moved to Vegas, and she starts working.

And that's when, like, they both just started really acting out. And it was very much, like, about, I feel like the three of them really trauma bonded. And I was kind of left out of the picture. I mean, I would just go to school and come back home and really just be to myself for the longest time because they were also, they were smoking too at a really young age. I think my brother started smoking at like 12 or 13 and then my mom was doing it with them and then my sister's coming and doing it with them and then I'm left out in the living room and doing whatever I can.

So I was super just like to myself a lot and I just felt like they didn't really care or want to be around me. and when I would ask about my dad, it was very much just like, he's gone. Or it was all these excuses. He's in prison or he's out of the country or he's like with family. It was the most random things that they would tell me. And I eventually just stopped because I knew I wasn't going to get the answer I wanted from them or the truth. Yeah. And especially with how they all just started like treating me as if at some point in Vegas,

they would walk me to school and they would treat me like I had to like, like they had to keep me away from him. So I was really confused because I didn't realize he was this bad guy like that you guys are portraying him to be. But you're also telling me like he's just gone. Like what? It's not adding up to me. What is going on? But anytime I try to question them, they were very defensive. They were all just super, like I said, I think they were so exposed and had to grow up at such a young age. And then with my mom, her being so young too when she first had them, it was, I think it was just, they just trauma bonded all together and almost just acted like that discipline and parental figure just was not there. And it's sad because I think it has a lot to do with like where they ended up.

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Wagovi is the registered trademark of Novo Nordisk AS. To get started and learn more, including important safety information, will go be clinical study information and restrictions. Visit for hers.com. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Spotify or at Americancriminal.com. So yeah, so there came a point where I was just full on just being neglected by all of them. They, my brother and my sister are getting older.

They're like teenagers. They're going out. They're doing stuff. I'm probably getting, so he went to six. I was six when he got sent to prison. Seven when we were in Vegas. So from seven to like nine or eight, we were in Vegas all doing our thing. and they're like going into their preteen years and going out and like getting exposed to stuff,

just leaving me at home. I'm asking questions or just in my thoughts because they also would talk to their dad. Like they would get phone calls from their dad and they would. So I was like, what is happening here? Because I didn't have any answers. And not that like I was so young. It's not like they're going to sit there and be like, hey, like this is what happened. And I think also they were processing in their own ways like what that was and just. And just, talking to each other and just trying to protect me so much from him, I guess. I think they, you know, you try and control something so much, it ends up hurting it at the end. So they're like doing their thing.

And my brother, he just, he starts doing drugs. He starts sneaking out. He starts just being really disrespectful. And he just feels like you can tell. He feels like the man of the house because he's the oldest one. And he, we, they had to go through all this stuff. It's just us for. So he starts just getting this ego that was just so out of hand.

And nobody would really put him in his place. Nobody, my mom was always gone. So him and my sister were like best friends. So anytime he, I, like, for example, he would come home and we would have to have the whole house clean before my mom got off of work. And I was doing most of that stuff. And it was just weird because it was like he was so angry at me. and I did not understand why. He just seemed so mad all the time.

He was so distracted. He was barely going in and out of school. And it just sucks because nobody, like, put us, help this kid, to be honest. And he was hurting other people in turn. So it really just started, like, escalating with things. We would eventually, we were always in and out of houses, too. Like, my mom was always getting evicted. Then we'd have to go to an apartment.

Then we'd be in a big house. then we'd be in a random condo and we'd be, so we'd go from place to place. And there, like, my brother and my sister would have to pack everything up, help her move, do the whole thing. I would, you know, be involved too, but, you know, they- There's just no stability at all, whatsoever. And whatever there was, it just was not respected because we've been going so long. Like whenever my mom would try to step up, it would be a huge fight.

My brother would go crazy. It would, like, holes in the walls, all this stuff. And once he got to like, I think 14, 15, I feel like was just where it just got terrible. And we're all in Vegas. Like they're teenagers in Vegas right now. Like random as hell. And who knows what's going on there. That's not necessarily the place.

And we were smack dab in Vegas. It's not like we're in the outskirts in Nevada. So not good influences he was surrounded by either. So he was only worried about, to be honest, getting messed up and having fun with his friends. He did not give a crap about what happened when he got home. And plus him and my mom are smoking together. So I feel like she built, it like builds that ego in his head that he's not really this kid anymore. And he is the man of the house and he's doing his thing and he can control this because he's also not getting disciplined for it. He's not getting any repercussions. And my sister,

she would just kind of like tag along with him. She wasn't super, she wasn't as like chaotic as him, but they were like so close and they were just at a different age from where I was. So I was like still an elementary school just trying to figure my little self out while they were doing whatever. And so a lot of the abuse started happening with my brother towards me probably like four, three years into Vegas. And like there was this one instance, we didn't have, we only had one bedroom for the kids and then one bedroom for my mom. It was a two-bedroom house. And my sister had

the bedroom and my brother would sleep on the couch and my mom would have her room. And he wouldn't let me like, I had to sleep on the floor for like a year because he wouldn't let me like sleep on the couch or have a turn or if I wanted to play the video game. It was only on hit, I had to play his game and I or I had to play with him. him. If mom was gone and he made dinner, like I could only eat this certain amount, I can't have any leftovers, I can't have any snacks in the house, I can't do this while him and Destiny are getting high, my sister, Destiny are getting high and eating everything and what they want. And I can't, I'm getting reprimended for whatever I do. So it was like a lot of that, just him

dictating what I could and couldn't do. And we already had, didn't have a lot. We had, barely anything. We were walking to and from school for the longest time. My mom was walking to and from work for the longest time. So what we did have, like, he took most of it, our entertainment, or the TV, the PlayStation, whatever couch or bed was available at the time. And my sister, I think they, like, felt so bad for her because she got the worst of it of the abuse. And my sister was kind of more of the mellow one. But she, what was hard for our relationship is she saw him do this a lot to me. She would not say anything. There was only one time she, like, stood up to him. And I was, I don't know what I was doing, but I accidentally called the police. And I was, like,

super young. And I was just going on the phone. And I, like, typed in 911. And we were in this apartment. You know, you type in 911, the cops come. Even if you hang up really quick. Right. I'm like panicking and I'm like, oh my gosh, like I can't believe I just did that. And they knock and he opens the door and he's like, nothing like what's going on. And Donovan's like nothing. It is what it is, whatever. And they say, well, everything's fine.

Because I came up and he was like, well, who called the police? And I finally came out and I was like, well, I did. And as soon as the police go, we get it settled, they leave. He shuts the door. He like gets in my face. And he's like, why the fuck would you do that? That's crazy. you're so stupid, just yelling at me, like going off on me, because I accidentally called the police,

and he pushed me really hard. And my sister, like, stepped in and was like, Donovan, you need to chill out. That was the most she ever did. And he did a lot more than that with me. And they would always have, like, friends and stuff over. And it sucked because they would use all of our stuff and eat all of our food. And I was the only one that was like, I couldn't hang out. I couldn't play the game. I had to go away because they were all smoking. they were all hanging out. So it was just, it was really hard for me, like, growing up in that type of environment. And I will say, my mom feels bad, like we talk about it now. And, like, for the longest time, she didn't see it like that. You know, there's different perspectives for everybody. And she was just gone. She tried when she was around. She would. But at this point in time, she was literally just

always working. So I was, this was my life with them because they had to take care of me. And I think because she's, they honed in on how dangerous my dad was, which I completely understand, but he was also locked up. And they just felt like he was always going to come and, like, kidnap me or have a family member come get me. So I think they had a lot of pressure on themselves with taking care of me. And I think it made them resent me a lot more. And I think it made them resent me a lot more. than like actually just see me as their little sister. Yeah. And they just saw who my father was to them.

So it was hard. He, and they always, like, my brother would fight with all of us. He would do a lot of scary things. Like, when they would fight and yell, he'd, like, put knives to his wrist. He would, like, talk about wanting to kill himself all the time. He was doing all these drugs. But, like, nobody was, like, putting a stone. stop to it or get and we couldn't really do it because my mom didn't have the means to do so.

So for the longest, I just like shut down and just dealt with it. I really did. I was just like, this is how it's going to be. My sister doesn't, she, I would try and talk to her. We'd have good moments, but there was always like kind of just shut me down. Like, no, that's not the case. Like, no. And I would ask, like, is it because of my dad? Like, what is going on? They were just like, no, it's not the case. And I was also so young. Yeah. So it's not like I was really putting two and two together. Like all I knew was that he hated my guts.

He was an angry teenager and this was supposed to be my older brother. And this was what I was young. I was probably like seven or eight when he started treating me like this. And it just progressed. So we're in Vegas for a while. We're moving to this really big house after. This was like the last house that we had when we were in Vegas because we moved around a lot. And some of the things he started doing, he, it's so weird talking about it.

I'm not, I don't talk about it very much. Yeah. It's a lot. It's heavy. It is. So it just would start with little things, like the food and stuff and like him just dictating how the house goes or whenever my mom's gone and the games, right? So I don't know if you ever played Red Dead Redemption.

It's like, it's like a GTA, but with horses, whatever. Okay. It's silly, but I would like, when I got the opportunity, I would, like, play this game and I would customize my horse and I would like for hours and I'd be so excited and it was just the best thing ever to me. And they would have, like, I got done one day and I leave and I come back home and they have all their friends over there. My older brother and my older sister and all their friends are hanging out playing this game. And my brother tells me, he's like, hey, Maddie, come here. and I come over there and he just starts like shooting my horse. And then like he'd call another one and just start shooting the horse.

And that was like the start of like it escalating in front of everybody. And he just he just got crazy with just wanting to like see me cry. Like I was sitting there just bawling my eyes out. He would get a box like a moving box and shove me into the box and close the box and like keep me shut in there. And I'm like, dude, that's so claustrophobic. I'd be freaking out crying. I'm yelling, like, please stop and nothing. Like, he would just hold me in there and not let me come out at all.

In front of all of his friends. Like, he's doing all these things to just humiliate me. And I just did not understand what I was doing. Don't get me wrong. Like, you know, I was little, I was their little sisters. So I was a little awed. I had my little quirks, but nothing to the extent of what I was getting from him. So then, and I like, I knew they smoked weed, but, like, smoking was just,

around. So I knew that's what that was, but, you know, I was so young, I don't know the difference between, like, alcohol and this and that. So getting older, I find out, like, he was on a lot of other stuff. So around that same time, and he's doing all that stuff, he starts doing a lot of the sexual abuse to me, too. And he would come to find out, my brother has a foot fetish. So he would, we'd be laying on the couch. I'd have a blanket. And he would do that. this in front of my sister or in front of company, but it would be under the blanket and it's like watching a movie and he would just like grab my feet and do whatever he wanted to do with them to make him finish. And I would like feel it all. And he did that multiple times to me in front of people

with a blanket over us. And I didn't, I kept my mouth shut. So question. Yeah. Would he just like finishing his pants? No, he like would take it out. He would take my feet and like mass. masturbate with it and then like you I could feel it. I was like nine or ten. Yeah. And it was in that house that the last house in Vegas I started doing that in. When that started in happening, because obviously when he was like torturing you physically. Right. And like emotionally too. Because he's not, he's dictating almost everything that I can and can't do from the moment I walk in from school to when my mom gets home late at night. Did you have like a new fear come up when that started happening, the sexual abuse?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, because I like, I get nervous every time my feet were around or like, because I could tell that was like his thing. And like that, there's a lot more instance that like happens that as we're older, we do get to realize like he is. He does have like a real foot fetish. It's insane.

So in that time, I never, I wasn't exposed to any of this. They were, right? But I, the only thing I ever saw was that memory I had with my dad. Right. And I still was trying to figure that up. Because I didn't really, to be honest, I was like, I don't know what that is, whatever. So yeah, when he did that, I was like nervous, very, very anxious and not understanding. And would he ever say anything to you, like, after the fact or it would just happen and not be spoken about.

And then, like, he would stop and he'd get up and go to the bathroom or we'd just like sit there for a minute and watch what we were watching. were like, yeah, it was, and that happened multiple times. And I don't know, I was, they shut me out so much and they just stood up for him so much. So it was really hard for me to come to them and be like, hey, so and so is, especially with how much I saw he was getting away with already. So it was really, like, uncomfortable for me. And then I got exposed at a young age and I'm like, starting to process this because I'm like, so is this what guys want? Like, is this? Right. You know, like, and this is my older brother. This is the only man in my life. This is like, my dad's gone. You guys treat me like this. You guys have your dad, though. So it was, it was really, really confusing in my early stages. I personally am not a nicotine user, but this is one of those products that I've heard a lot of people talking about, whether it's personally people I know or people online. The main thing that I am hearing about from people that try Lucy is how the flavor actually lasts. And that's the biggest difference for them. It's not. something that just fades out right away, it's actually consistent. And the breakers is something that I

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Get 20% off your first order when you buy online at lucy.com slash insane with promo code insane. And if you don't want to wait, check out their store locator to find Lucy near you and grab it today. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every customer is age verified. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. So we eventually leave Vegas. And the whole time we were there from, like I said, I was like six to nine.

He was doing stuff to me from eight to so on. But he started sexually abusing me when I was nine to ten. So yeah, he was doing that. And my sister and my mom never knew. And I can tell they never knew because I like, I kept it from them very much. And so did he. He was like, it was just this unspoken thing that happened between us. but they knew about everything else he was doing.

I would tell my mom, like, when she'd get home and she would try and say something to him, but then it would blow up into a huge fight. And so it just got to the point where it's like we'd rather just let him do whatever than have to deal with the consequences of him freaking the fuck out. Yeah, so we're in Vegas, and all this is happening. And they're also, I don't even know what they were doing, but from the stories I ended up hearing, they were having their own teenage, crazy-ass life that I had no idea about.

So at the top of that, he's like already not mentally stable. He's doing a bunch of drugs. He's able to do whatever he wants. So like I try to empathize with him a little bit with it because it is, I mean, he didn't have the father figure or the means necessary to get the help that he really didn't need. And same with my sister. But I think there comes a point to where, you know, he even did that to me and it happened

with my sister. And it sucks and it's hard and you have to like process. it, but you either go left or you go right and you choose what needs to happen. Yeah. And me and my sister, like, we both just, we didn't let this affect our lives. We grew from it and we kept it moving. He, like, honed in on it. It was everything.

And he felt like he was, in a sense, he felt like he saved the family from my dad, which, like, I didn't even understand that because nobody told me that. Yeah. So, and I'll, you know, get into that more when I, I tell you when I. And also it's not saving if you're doing the same thing. Right. Right. So I don't know.

That was happening. My mom, the Vegas situation wasn't working. So she's like, we need to go back to Arkansas. So she packs all of us up and she ends up leaving my brother there in Vegas because he had made a life. He had friends. How was he at that point? He was like 16, 17. My sister.

He was 16, 15. Because my sister was like 14, 15 when we moved back to Arkansas. So it was just us three. My mom, my sister, and me. And I was so excited. I'm sure. So excited. They were like, my sister was a hot mess.

She was, her and my brother were like this. And I mean, I get it. Their age difference is so, they're so close to each other. I was so far from them. Yeah. And my age was so different from them. They had the same dad. Yeah.

I didn't. We have the same mom. Very much. So my mom didn't really have guys. She had one like boyfriend in Vegas that I would see. But I, it was more flings. Like I never got close with any guys. And same with my sister. Like there wasn't ever like any relationships that I really saw together like that growing up. So I think, I don't know. I feel like that kind of affected things too because I could tell they like they would talk about it. And that's all they really wanted. Like my mom wanted to find a guy. And, and, be our stepdad and like get married and same with my sister but she was also kind of trying to do her own thing but she wanted you know so so i would hear this and then i'd get kind of like stories from them like hooking up with people or just from eavesdropping right um and i forgot to mention so right before we move i still don't know anything about my dad right i have no idea

my brother he's like doing this shit to me and when i find out what happens I was like, I would do the most weirdest shit as a kid just because I was so bored. I would just like walk around my house. I would like play little games with myself. I would like kind of just eavesdrop on everyone, to be honest, because they were always like just chill in the backyard and I can't be there and doing this and whatever. So tensions were high in the house. And this was like the last couple months we were in Vegas. And tensions were high.

I couldn't understand why. And it's like late at night, one day. night and they're outside smoking and I like doing my weird shit just walking around probably riding my scooter and I come around like in the side of the house where they can't see me and I just hear them talking and I hear them talk about my dad's parole coming up and I'm like I'm like 11 10 I don't know what the fuck a parole is like what are and then I hear um yeah he's probably like he's going to try and get out of prison and that's how I found out and I don't know what exactly I can't remember what was said, but something about, like, what he did to Destiny, to my sister was said.

So I was like, okay. So it kind of was like coming to me in that moment. Right. Like did he go away because of something he did to her specifically. Right. So I was like, oh, and like, especially how Destiny got treated too. Yeah. Like she, I remember as a little girl, her like not having to do certain chores, not having to do. And my father is a scary man. Like, you. you want to listen to him. He's tall. He's like big bill. Yeah. So they were very much intimidated by him. So it was surprising that my sister like got away with a lot of things, right? So and even with my mom, my brother, everybody kind of just felt for my sister. And I did not understand why. Like I was kind of just like, what's so special about her and not like me? Why isn't this so even,

right? And we weren't close. So she wasn't telling me anything that was going. down. I had no idea. We were never, she, I was like a child to them, like their child they had to take care of. So they really honed in on not, just trying to keep my ears protected from all the stuff. And I think it did more harm than good, to be honest, because I feel if they would have just sat with me and been like, hey, your dad did some terrible things. He's not a good man. But it was just like, just so aggressive and just like not telling me anything, to be honest. So yeah, so that's how I find out and then we we go to Arkansas and we leave my brother behind and at this point I'm like 11 or 12 and I start smoking weed because I'm like well I see it's a cool thing.

Right. I go in my, when my mom's apartment or her room in the apartment there's like a watermelon bong, I'm like, what's this? Like let me see what's up and I see them get happy with it and I want to do it. And so when me and my sister, my mom leave, I kind of start talking to my sister a little more. And she was very much more the approachable one than honestly, both my mom and my brother. My mom's a little more just like she shuts down and a little more erratic about things. So I never really wanted to talk to her because I didn't want it to be a blown up type of conversation.

My sister was kind of more, you know, calm and collected, but also like, I'm your big sister. You're going to fucking listen to me, right? So I started talking to her more and I told her like, hey, I want to smoke and like what's up. So we would start smoking together. And that's kind of how me and my sister kind of bonded. We still weren't super close, but I felt like I finally had someone in my family. So it was hard feeling like she didn't say a lot of things to stick up for me before that. But I was just like, this is cool what I'm getting right now from her, right?

So she like smoked weed with me for the first time ever. And we had like the super awesome bonding experience. And we were with, like, a few other people, and she was being really protective of me. And, like, I never really had that from them. Like, this is awesome. Like, my sister's being kind of cool. Like, what? And when we first got to Arkansas, we were, like, staying with some of my mom's friends.

We didn't have a place for a minute. So she was even more. Me and her, I think, were even closer. She was going into, she's probably starting high school, 14, 15. So I was, like I said, 11, 10. Gosh, such a young age. to start smoking weed too. And I don't think I even realize how much that even. And it does. You know, you try to act all cool and whatever about it. But it got to me. And I'm just exposed to so

much already. I mean, they were, I don't take that away from them, like, holy moly. But I also, like, without being able to feel like I can talk to anyone about it. And one thing I've learned about myself is I'm very much like a, I'd rather talk about everything and lay it all out on the table and us be able to hold each other accountable and move on than just like shove it under the rug. I'm not that type of person. And I was like that, even as little girl, I was very matter of fact. Like, hey, why are we not having, like, why am I not eating? Why am I not? So I would just say stuff like this and then they'd get upset. So I was very much like that. But my sister, she was really good at shutting me down in a more positive way. She just didn't really want to talk about it. She was like young,

14, 15, doing her thing. So then we finally get a house. My mom gets a house some way, working, whatever. And my sister meets this guy and she gets pregnant at 15. And it sucks because it's like what happens to my mom, you know? So, and I see, we both saw how much it's affected my mom and how it, you know, where her life went with it. So my sister gets pregnant. And I'm super excited to have a niece, but also like that went away. My sister like went away from me.

And she started having to like grow up even more and go to her like boyfriend's house and like starting to live with them, starting to get ready to have a child. And then I think right before a few months before my niece, my first niece was born, Donovan, my brother comes back home to Arkansas with us. So how long was he gone for in total?

I'd say like six to nine months. It wasn't like in my head, I mean, I could be wrong with the time frame, but in my head it seemed like we moved to Arkansas, we had this good time together, and then my sister gets pregnant. Okay. So it was like with sometimes she got pregnant, he came back. Okay. And I could be wrong.

It could have been a little longer, but in my kid brain, that's how fast. Everything seemed to be moving at that time. So he comes back and I was so mad about it. I was like, great. Like, here we go again. And it's his, you know, he's already. Luckily, I had my own room. It was the first time I had my own room with like a bed and I was so excited. So I had my own things. And he came in and started living with us. He's like 17, I think, at this point, 16. And he wouldn't go to school still. He would fight. with my mom about going to school. He was just doing super delinquent stuff. It does not matter who, like, what anybody tried telling him what he needed to do. He was going to do whatever made him feel good that day. And fuck anybody else who got in his way. So, and my mom, she's working. My mom was working like all the time. So there was no one to really discipline at all. Yeah. And she tried. But like I said, when she would try, like they barely, I think also with what happened with my father, just lacked that respect.

out of all the adults in their life. And even my sister, I mean, there were times when my sister, I mean, she got pregnant at 15. I mean, my mom was going off on her about that. Like, well, you did. Right. Like, you know, so it was hard. There wasn't that respect there, which she is our mom. There should have been, but they just did not have it.

But I had to have it. That was the hardest thing is no matter what, I had to respect them and I had to like do whatever they all said. And it's like, you guys are all treating me like wild. would be in and out with me. Sometimes I'd be able to open up to her about things, but then sometimes like it'd be combative. It was super back and forth with me and her. But then once she had the baby, we were, it was, me and her just distance ourselves from each other even more. And so Donovan was at the house a lot more. And it was just me and him and stuff would start happening. And it was

always the same thing when he sexually abused me. It wasn't like he would do anything. And he would, anything else. And I'm not trying to like, that sounds crazy, but it was always the foot thing and just being on the couch or being in this area where he could get my feet. And like I said, people would be like right there. And I just, I would just freeze. It was like an instinct for me. I don't, I think it was just how I coped with it. Um, that's crazy. And I never said anything to them being that young. I never said, I think I was too in a really fucked up way. Like maybe this is his way of like loving me. Yeah, like showing you affection.

Because he never, I mean, we all were never like me and my sister I've probably hugged like five times in our lives. We are not super like that in general. So I was like, okay. So when he came and my sister was gone, I would, I think we tried bonding more me and him. I think I just came to a point of like trying to accept that he is who he is and I need to just kind of obey because my mom's not going to be around and she's not going to stick up for me. Yeah, it was like that for a while. He would just, he would just be abusive. I mean, there were times

he would randomly, like, there was this one night, we were in a weird situation after that house. After that house, we moved into in Arkansas, it went back to going to apartments, going to people we're staying with. It wasn't, like, I'd probably be stable with my mom in a house for maybe a year, that. So then it'd be like six months somewhere else, three months somewhere else, two months with like a friend or something like that. And so there's this time, like my sister's gone and at this point she's doing her thing with her kid and her baby daddy at the time and all this stuff. So she's kind of out of the picture at this point, which sucked for me. So it's me and my mom, my brother now. And we're going from place to place. And also like, which blows my mind now, they never made him get a job.

They never made him like, or my mom never made him like put any effort into like being there, being at his age of the responsibility of having a house, of like getting a car, paying for food. He just always just had whatever he needed. And I think it was my mom's way looking back now of just feeling bad for what happened with my dad and him. I think they just all felt like they were doomed after that happened, which sucks for me because, you know, there was somebody looking up to you guys. It just sucked. So we were moving from place to place, and he's like 16 or 17, and I was probably fifth grade, sixth grade, and I was sleeping on the floor. He'd get the couch. It was always like that.

He'd always get the comfiest spot. I was just kind of put in the recliner or wherever they would put me at the time. And I remember I had like an award ceremony at school, you know how they do that for you in elementary or middle school. And I was really nervous about it. And I wanted to I just wanted the rest and I wanted to feel good for in the morning because I felt like I was going to go up in front of people to get the award. And I didn't have a blanket. So I took the blanket and he, and this is like where he really, really physically abused me. He, I take the blanket and he like comes in. He's like, no, I'm taking that.

Like I'm going to sleep with it. And I was like, dude, like I combated him. I was like, dude, I have something in the morning. Like, I'm just trying to go to sleep. let me have the blanket. We get into this huge fight and he just like just starts shoving me to the ground and he puts a pillow on top of my face and just starts beating my face like I'm a grown man, just start going in on me. And at the time I didn't realize it, but I guess my mom had a really bad alcohol problem. And I did not know that. They came out to me a lot more as we're all, you know,

trying to heal and talk about things. So they told me that. So I didn't realize that she was also kind of like abusing stuff too. So I remember that morning I had a busted lip like my nose hurt, my jaw hurt. It was terrible. And I tried telling her. Like I tried being like mom like I don't want to, I was not wanting to go to school. She pulled up to the parking lot and I'm trying to tell her I'm crying. I have all this anxiety. And I was just telling her, please don't make me go. Like I cannot. And she was just kind of like laughing at me like not taking me serious and I was like did she ask you what happened to your face yeah but like she asked what happened and I told her and it was so downplayed all the time like well you know not to piss him off or well you know like not to do this like you

know how he gets it was super and I was just like and I had so much anxiety like as a child with like not having food with bills not being paid or getting evicted all the time and I was just like and I was just like So like I was just in this moment like, dude, and I think when I went to school, that was like my escape of thing. So I really cared how I looked to people or how I acted because it was kind of where I would like make my friends and make connections with people because I wasn't really getting that at home. So I was like telling her like, please don't make me go. We get me and her getting to this huge fight because she's just like it's fine. Like you're being dramatic about it, blah, blah, blah. And she's just not taking me seriously.

Like I remember at one point in that conversation, she like, I remember at one point in that conversation, she, like just smiled and like laughed at me with about it and it really like it just hurt my heart like because that's my mom out of everybody I really thought you would maybe I don't know you'd do something about it so after that like I was so mad and me and Donovan just kept fighting and just fighting we'd yell at each other we'd um and it just escalate like he would push me and but there was nothing that'd be done like I would just have to deal with him being this way towards me. And I couldn't handle it anymore. So my mom, it was a summer of seventh grade, was like, I'm going to send you to Russellville, Arkansas, which is like

kind of down south to stay with your and your uncle. And I still had the bruises on my face from him. And I'll never forget, it was shortly after that fight because like that week after that fight, me and him were just fighting all the time. And she even was like to the point, I can't deal with this anymore. She sends me to my aunt and my uncles for the summer. And I remember I pulled up and my aunt literally started crying because she saw my face and was like, this is not okay. Yeah. So I am. So that's your mom sister? Yeah. So it was just them too. My mom and her older sister who, and my mom is adopted, but my aunt wasn't. So she was the older sister to her. She was seven years older than my mom. And I remember we'd go to my aunt and my uncles for holidays, stuff like that,

way more structured. They have the nice house. They have land. It was always like, I look forward to going over there. And I was really close with my uncle, my aunt's husband. And I don't know, me and him just connected. And I think I, it was like the man. There's a respectful older, older man that I like can look up to. He doesn't make me feel like he's going to come at me in a weird way or look at me in a weird way. And I was also like, I was a tall child. So I looked a lot older than what I was at a time. So I like, after what Donovan was doing to me, I also started getting like, seeing how older men would look at me and my sister too. So it was nice because my uncle really like never made me feel that way. It was just pure, pure love from them. But they were also very structured and they were

very strict and they go to church every Sunday and every Wednesday night and we got to do it like this and you know so I went there for that summer and it was the best summer ever I mean it was so chill no fighting I didn't have to worry about food like I gained a little weight my aunt I remember she made comments like you were skinny when you first got here like I saw your hit bones and now like you're filling up it's better so that was awesome but then I had to go back with my mom and it was just the same old story. It was just the same thing every time. And my brother, I think, just ruined a lot of things from my mom. She would get in these relationships and he would just always be at the house. He's not doing anything. He's not working. He's not going to school.

They're blowing up in fights. She's kind of starting to realize like he is not doing well. So eventually she like gets this girlfriend, my mom, random. as hell. She starts dating this girl. I don't know where that came from. That's awesome, but like random as hell. It couldn't stand her, this girl that she was with. She was terrible. She was just not a good human being. I could not. And I was, so when I went to stay with my aunt, my uncle, I was probably 12 at that point. So when I came back, she was with this girl. And we were all living together, me, my brother, and them too. And they would all get close and smoke. And she got close with my brother. Her name was Christy, and Donovan's my brother. So Christy and Donovan,

my mom would just all kind of like chill while I did my thing. It was like literally Vegas all over again, but I'm a little older. So I'm getting a little more pissed off because I'm starting to like grow and have a voice and just be like, man, like this sucks. Like this truly sucks. And I never had a phone. I never had any type of like electronics in my room or anything like that because it all went to the older siblings. And whatever she did, she would like help them out first and then just kind of take care of me because I was just like the one they all had to take care of it, it felt like. So this girlfriend of hers, Christy, like, after that, I always say my mom, she just wasn't there. Like she was going through her own stuff.

And like besides that moment of Donovan, like, I don't think she was a terrible mom to me. When she was around. She tried, but she was just gone. So it was a lot easier for them to do stuff. But when she got with this freaking chick, she really became a bad mom, to be honest. She let that girl dictate everything, just like kind of my brother. And then they, like, are super close, which is weird. So it was like very strange dynamic. And I'm hitting preteens now. And my sister's like raising her first kid. And then she gets pregnant again. So now she's about to have two kids. So it's literally like she's doing the same thing my mom did. I don't have anybody. I'm just this random little kid in my family. And there was this one adult. Her name's Holly. She was a family

friend and she was the only family friend that really like asked about me. And she came around this time. And she was, she had always been back and forth with us. But she really started, when we moved back to Arkansas really started coming to the picture a lot more. And she was the first adult to really like besides my and my uncle when I could see them because they were like two hours away, she would really like ask me and talk to me about things and how I'm doing, how I'm feeling this, that, and the third. So I got really close with her and she was like my mom's best friend, but she also didn't agree with how my mom is doing a lot of things because again, I mean, they're smoking. I'm also smoking behind everybody's back because I'm not allowed to. So I would be

like hiding in my room, isolating myself even more. And it was frustrating because you did this with them when they were this age, but like, God forbid, I do anything. I'm like, whatever. So Holly was just super like, this just isn't right this dynamic, but I'm going to just support it and be here the best way I can. So when she's with Christy, we move, they decide, hey, we should move to California because Christy knows some people. I'm about. to hit, I'm in eighth grade, I'm about to go to ninth grade. So in Fayetteville, Arkansas, it's like ninth grade through 12th grade, one building. It's the high school. So I was like super excited because, you know, I've been at the middle school and we're about to go into the high school

and start everything and yada yada. And then they're like, hey, we're going to move to California. Dude, we just got here. Like, I feel like, it was probably like three or four years, but like to me, it's like, dude, come on. Like again, right, yeah. Yeah, so we end up going to California and we drive there. And two, we have that dog that I brought up in the beginning. That dog was like the only thing that was always consistently there for me. Like, her name was Sasha and she was like, out of all of them was always the one.

It's crazy. That dog was like a mother figure to me because she was always there. So everywhere we went, she would be with us. And she protected. She was a pit bull, so she protected us a lot with a lot of things. So that was also kind of one of my outlets. So we take everything that we just, like the little stuff that we did have when we moved to California. And at this point, I think my brother, to be honest, I'm not dealing with him as much before we go.

I'm just kind of like avoiding all of it. The sexual stuff kind of stopped once I came back from that summer from Russellville. So I was like, I'm just going to, I know what I'm. need to do. I need to just stay away from you guys and go into my room, focus on school, smoke weed whenever I can to calm down, and I'm going to do my own thing. We up and move. And when we get to California, we're literally like homeless living in the car. We didn't have any plan, didn't have any house. It's just my mom, her girlfriend, Chrissy and me and then our dog, Sasha. And I'm just like, what are we doing? I'm surprised your mom wanted to move away from your sister.

I think she got to a point to where, because my sister would still come over with all the kids and like we'd, you know, they'd all hang out and stuff. I just wasn't like involved very much. Like I would be away in the room and stuff. So they were still all close, but I think she got to a point to where she was kind of just tired of them too. Because they like, I mean, to an extent, they like sucked the life out of my mom. Like, because they had so much going on. And my mom was just trying to be there for them. And they were like, old. and they were talking about like what happened with my dad and I would get pieces of it and whatnot. So, and by this point, I'm starting to understand like my dad did something sexual to my sister and that's like he's in prison. And that's kind of like what I know. And that's all just for me ease dropping. Yeah. And that's all I know so far at this moment. And then so we go, we're homeless in California. And I like, my mom would drop me off at school. I was like eighth grade. dropped me off at school. No, no, I was going to ninth grade.

Okay. And I would literally just walk around the building and just like stay outside because I was so embarrassed to go to school because I was in the same clothes. I was like, I felt disgusting. I hadn't showered. I had just slept in the car. I was like so, because like I said, when I went to school when I was away from them, like, I cared how I was presented and I cared what I wore and things like that. So I like wouldn't and we would fight about it because I'm hitting like 13 14 age and I'm like dude I don't want to I'm having all this anxiety I can't talk to anybody about anything because you guys kind of just care about your own stuff it's whatever and I just didn't I did not want to go and deal with this so for like we moved there to California in August and that it was right

when the school year was starting so I would do that for like weeks I'd probably go to that school, like maybe the whole time I was there, maybe a month. I went to that school. All the other days, I would just be walking around. I did not want to go. I was not here for it. So my aunt, my uncle, get word of what's going on in California. And me and my mom were just fighting back and forth. All she cares about was Christy and like smoking with Christy and what Christy wants. And she's, weirdly, was just a lot like my brother. Like, we had to do whatever she wanted and had to like So that was just a pain in itself because I'm seeing my mom just not care about anything but like her. Because I think she just was so lonely at this point.

The first relationship that felt real to her, she just like popped into it. And she was so manipulated by her too. So it sucked because I think Chrissy made her think that they were going to have, you know, that figure picture that they always wanted. And it just wasn't the case. So I remember my and my uncle get word and it's probably October now, just a few, months of us being in California. And my mom, we're in a hotel room and my mom wakes me up at, and I'm also, you know, I'm smoking. I'm still doing stuff, right? Like, I'm super young doing my own thing, but having to deal with all this stuff. We're in a hotel room. We get a hotel for the night

and I'll never forget. She, like, wakes me up at four in the morning. I had no idea. And she just goes, you're getting on a flight in an hour to go live with your aunt and your uncle. And I just like freak out because this is all I've known. Like what do you mean? I'm going to live my aunt, my uncle. Like this is my life. Like you're my mom. Like what about Sasha? What about it was a lot? Like no. Like you guys are supposed to be my family. Like you're just and she's like, we can't do this. Like we're homeless. You're not happy. Like we need to get you. Looking back like she was really trying to do the best that she thought, you know, was good for me in that moment. But like, this is, I'm so young. This is all I've known. Like, I'm about to go, which was an amazing time that

summer, but like. It's also just so much back and forth. Right. And like, you had no time to just settle ever. Yeah. From like the time, even when they were, when she was with my dad, they moved us around like all types of states. I mean, I just, because it's just so much to get into. There's no point. Like, same, same shit was happening wherever we were. So, yeah, like, I, like, I. Like, I, like, I was been to a handful of states by the time I was like eight or nine. So yeah, so 13, 14, and plus I'm not around them. Like, as messed up as they were, they were my family at that point. So I was like, okay, so you're really just going to kind of give me up.

That's really how I felt about it at that time. And like I said, me and my sister, I'd stop talking. And I was grateful to get away from my brother. I will say, like, it sucks because I think they see a different side of my brother. I think they have a lot more sympathy for. him, but he started neglecting and abusing me at such a young age for me. Like, I don't really have fond memories with my brother, right? So she wakes me up. You're going to live in Russellville with your aunt and your uncle. And I get there and, like, they tried. I was just so

exposed already. They had two older kids and they were already out in college. So it was just me and this super big house with like a queen-sized bed, a huge closet, multiple rooms, all this land. Like when I walked in there, it was like just overstimulated, overload. Like, is this? Such a different life. Right. Like, I didn't even have, I didn't know if I was going to be able to eat or not being there with them. If the electricity was going to be turned off or not. So I was tripping balls. Like, this is a lot. So they tried, like, that night, they, when they, when they me up from the airport. They could tell I was super uneasy and they like got me. I was obsessed with Big Macs from McDonald's. So they would like get me that and just tried to really comfort me.

I remember that first week. She took me shopping for new clothes because I only had whatever was in my little suitcase. And I flew for the first time by myself too. So I was just like, this is fucking crazy. Like all this happening at once. So yeah. And then I come in and I'm about to hit ninth grade and I just, I was a mess already. I didn't have therapy. I was expelled and they're not, they go to church every Sunday. My uncle was a marine set up a life for them. Their kids were perfect, like super good kids. I don't even know if they ever drank alcohol underage once. I don't think they even know what weed smells like besides when we were coming around for Christmas. Like, I was like, oh my goodness. Like I was nervous this

So I come in and like I said, they were super Christian and they tried really shoving that down my throat and getting me to go to church and getting me to do this. And so I start. So in Russellville, you have eighth and ninth grade junior high and then 10th through 12th grade high school. Okay. So I was like, man, I got to go back to a junior high. Like I just was not super excited about it. So that was kind of the dynamic and different personalities too because I'm also, I mean, if you go back,

my mom was adopted. I have no blood relation to them whatsoever. Like, they're my family, of course, but we are just all so different, very much so. And so coming in with my aunt, bless her heart, she just, she's very controlling. And like I said, you know, when you try to control something so much, you do more harm than good. She had really good intentions, don't get me wrong, but she just really tried to, I think they both did, even my uncle. Me and my uncle were a lot more closer because he, you know, was more, he'd let loose a little more. And she would get on to us like, you guys are laughing a little too hard, you know, and stuff like that.

And my grandmother was actually living in the house at the same time too. They're my mom's mom. So it was nice because I got to be with Nana and also be with my uncle, but it was very stressful because of how they were really trying to control what was going on and how I was acting. So when I got to ninth grade, Russell is a super, we got one high school, it's got one university. So it's like not too small but not super big.

So everybody kind of knows each other. And I'm coming in my first day of school. I have a Bob Marley shirt on. I mean, I remember girls talking about, they thought I was in a gang. I just, I'm tall. I'm a little awkward. I probably have, I mean, not kids, you know, have seen whatever, but I've probably seen more than half the kids in the school.

I've seen. So I was just like, oh, crap. And there was preppy, clicky, you know what I mean? So it was weird trying to find my place when I first moved there. So I'm going to school and every day after school I would spend time with my grandma. But she was, her health was declining, super bad. So all in ninth grade, like, she was super sick, but also trying to, like, still maintain normal life. Because they had a little apartment above their garage that she would stay in. So I would go and check in on her, like, and watch Dr. Phil with her, and we'd bond and we'd, you know, and we'd, like, actually talk about stuff. And she wanted to know. And she was like, you know, she was structured. She tried building my mom a really good life and my aunt and tried doing

the whole thing. But I could talk to her. Like, I really could tell her, well, I never explained the sexual abuse to her because, you know, that's my grandmother. But I did tell her a lot of what was going on. And we just opened up to each other a lot. And then she ended up. passing away when at the end of my ninth grade year. And it was hard because she also felt super kind of neglected by my aunt and my uncle. Like we'd go to church and she'd have to go sit with the older ladies and not with us. And it would bother her or like dinners would stop happening with all of them together. And it's just her. Both her ex-husbands have passed away. So I felt for her. Like we got so close because of that. And she

so it was hard because I started feeling a little anger towards my hand of my uncle now because I'm like, y'all are kind of, you know, being a little, I don't know, judgey, but also like not being there and like expecting the most out of us. And then like Nana passed away. And I wasn't really, I think she should have been taking care more of. I think being there and seeing it, like we should have been collectively taking care of my grandmother more. I was the only one I felt like going up and spending time with her and like seeing her and seeing the situation. Like she's getting old. This is what happens. We got to, if she's going to come live with you, we have to take in that responsibility.

So I was really frustrated with them, like with how she passed away and stuff. I was just already mad. And then that summer, I'm going, then that next year I'm going into high school in 10th grade. And I was like, I didn't have any outlets. I don't know how to get. weed. I didn't know how to like, and I really wanted to smoke. I really wanted to like do stuff because I was already exposed. Yeah, you already had the experience. Right. So were you talking to your mom at this time? To be honest, I probably like the first yearish of living there. And she would call, because she was close with my nana. Because my nana would help her out, send her money here and there. But once I hit high school, like, I went years without talking to that whole family. Wow. So not even your sister?

And that was like, and it'll all come full circle at the end. Okay. So it was mainly just the new dynamic of this, of the aunt, uncle. Yep. And then coming straight from where I came from. So I didn't really, I knew my brother was with girls popping kids out here. I mean, he has like six kids. So he was having kids too at this point.

Okay. And I just wasn't a part of it. I didn't really want to be either because of after everything. And I did, because I would see my sister before. I moved to Russellville sometimes with the babies and like I'd get close with her kids and I had you know a few moments because I want to be their aunt but also they just pushed me away so much and I pushed myself away once I got there and my so in Russellville my aunt my uncle I think and with how the town is and how clicky everything is I like our reputation and how I looked and I was

already kind of like that but like it kind of I could tell it was kind of a thing there like oh so I didn't really want anybody to know where I came from. Right. Like, it's almost like it feels easier and better to just leave it in the past and forget. Exactly. Like a lot of people there just knew I came and I lived my and my uncle and that was really it. So it was kind of like funny to me because nobody really knew. And I just, so I started, I did theater in high school.

That was my little outlet. So I didn't like do sports. So I didn't get drug tested. So I could still, you know, I found out, I figured out a way. to get weed from meeting somebody. And so I'd start smoking. And I was, I feel like I was a little versatile. Like I like to know everybody. I wasn't super clicked up. But I started, you know, meeting people. And I felt like people liked me. So I was like, oh my gosh. I love the attention. I also was like super broie. Like, like I said, my first day, Bob Marley, sweatpants,

converse, like, what's up? So I didn't have a like, feminine qualities, you know, I didn't really, I didn't think I'd get a boyfriend. I immediately would get friend zoned. I didn't really think of stuff like that. So whenever I did like, like have a crush on a guy or something like that, I was super just, I didn't have any confidence. I didn't think it was, because it would happen like with girls around me or like with some of my friends or things like that. And I didn't really know how to go about it. So I just, it wasn't really a thing for me. I just, like, wanted to kind of get fucked up and hang out with, like, my friends and things like that. Right. So, yeah, I started just, I feel like once I hit 10th grade

and my grandmother passed away, it was just high school. I mean, it's hard for me to talk about high school because I was, I was low-key a piece of shit, but I also, because it's not an excuse, but there's everything I went through and I was exposed to, and I just wanted attention. And then, I lost my virginity at a really young age. And I think it was a few months after starting 10th grade. So then it's like, oh my gosh, a guy likes me. Like, this is how you get guys to like you. Like, holy crap. So that would become a thing. And then like doing drugs, sneaking out. The whole, you know, high school thing. But I think I really like overdid it. I really did. I got this. You pushed the boundaries. I pushed the boundaries. I was stealing super bad to steal people.

money. I'd steal my aunt my uncle's money. I would lie. I'd manipulate. So I had two best friends, Taylor and Gabby. And they're the two I'm going to point out. It was like a group of us, but they're the ones that matter the most. So I'm going to point them out. But it was all of us. And I still talk to them to this day. And it was just, it was awful because in high school, we're just also different. Like I'm 24 now. So I graduated in 2019. And it's not that long ago, but it is that long ago for me. And I was just so like hurt people, hurt people.

And I didn't give a crap about anybody's feelings, why I would steal and why I would. And we all started doing drugs, too, at a really young age, like cocaine and smoking weed. We wouldn't even care about what was happening at school or our academics. We were just like, all right, after school, where are we going to smoke? what are we going to do with this? What's going, you know, it wasn't really anything like that. And it was fun. Like, this was my outlet.

These were the people I was connecting with the most. I never connected with my family like this. And we all had our drama. Like, you know, me and Taylor would have drama with each other, me and Gabby. But we all, like, I don't know, we were all kind of collectively kind of just like being fuck-ups together. Right. So, and I was also, I think, a little dramatic. I was very dramatic because I think I had just dealt with more.

than usual than the people around me. And I was fighting with my and my uncle a lot at this point. I mean, after 10th grade, going to the junior year, it just got worse. Like, I was doing all that times 20. I mean, there was a point, I would teach little kids how to swim over the summer. I was making really good money. All that money went to cocaine. I have no idea. Like, that was good money. And I did not save it, did not do anything with it. And I had, And I also didn't even, Taylor, she drove, she got her license at a good age. I didn't get my license until I was 21. Wow.

Because I just didn't, kind of like my mom. I just thought day to day. I didn't think what's going to happen five years from now. I thought today and what's going to make me feel good and my friends feel good because this is the attention that I've always wanted. Like, this is it. So I, and there was like, there were guys involved. And I would kind of, you know, hone in on that because I never had male tension.

And it got to my friends a lot because I would like choose the males over them. And I was also in high school. Right. That's all that matters at that age. Right. So I was just like, it was just terrible. And I don't know. I feel I feel really bad for how I was in high school.

And I've. I mean, I was shitty too. You know, you just. I know. And I, yeah. So. I feel like that's the age that you're kind of, it's interesting. Like, I feel like that's the age.

that in a way your childhood dictates who you are. And then it's after that you either grow or you stay. Yeah. That's kind of what I've realized. Maybe not for everybody, but I kind of feel that way in the sense about me too. It's kind of like, I was not the greatest, and I'll look back and it's like, ugh.

But then it's like, at least I went up from there. I know, I don't know if you can tell. It's like, it's hard for me to even like talk about certain. I was like that for a long time. It is hard. It's because it's not, it feels like a different part of your life, a different version. It's like it's not who you are today.

Yes. And yeah, I'm very much. Yeah. You know, it's just. And I very much, and I think my family, like my sister, my brother, my mom, we were all kind of like the type to, you got to touch the stove to learn that at time, right? And I think I liked pushing those boundaries through with my aunt and my uncle because I also was like, I remember I tried joining the Gay Straight Alliance Club at school. And that was a whole fight with them. And so, you know, like something that's positive. I'm trying to do. They're arguing with me about because they're super strict and that's just how they grew up.

And then so for me, it was like, oh, you guys are just like this and you are going to judge me if I smoke. If I'm literally like 15 sneaking out. And I'm like, why are you guys judging me? Yeah. Because I'm smoking and stealing your money. Like, woe is me. I was so angry at them. And I wasn't easy. I mean, I don't think they handled me the best. They tried putting me in therapy for a minute. which was beneficial, and then they had to stop, but then they tried putting me in therapy with their priest, preacher. And that was like, no, what are we doing here? Like, I'm trying to get to the nitty-gritty.

I want to cuss a little bit when I'm talking about what happened in my past. You should be able to just get it all out? You think I'm going to talk to this preacher about what my brother was doing to me under the blanket? No, like you guys are tripping. This is not it. Yeah. So I was angry at them. And my aunt was just so, she just,

got to a point, like, she was just so angry at me. I think it felt like she just was disgusted with me because of they were giving me this opportunity. And I was just. They probably in a way felt like is it, is anything we do going to make a difference at this point? Exactly. And I really was, like, I didn't have any plans up to high school. I didn't have the grades or do anything to go school. That's all you knew. That's what you were, like, like, yes, okay, it's great that you were able to go live with them. But it's, you weren't raised like that. So you don't have. that understanding of even how to act in that kind of environment. Exactly.

And there's a lot of other people, like just friends along high school I'd steal from just to like get money for like more. And just sucks. Like I think that's one thing. You got to take accountability to grow. And like I'm at a really good place in my life now. But I think it's really important to like I cause trauma as well to get to where I'm at just as much as other people caused me trauma. And I did. Like, I hurt a lot of people in high school.

And I wish, I mean, if I could sit there and pinpoint, I'd apologize and say I'm sorry over and over again because I am. Like, it sucked being that age and being where I was at. And looking back at it, it's just, it's hard. Taylor and Gabby really stuck by me, though. We had our, like, our fights and arguments and whatnot, but they really stuck by me. Taylor and me, we did stop talking at the end of high school, and she moved to Arizona and did her own, had her own little thing. And we stopped talking for like two years. Gabby, towards the end of high school kind of stayed by myself. I mean, we'd have a little, I don't know, just random high school tips. But once I graduated, I actually, my and my uncle told me, you have to move out by like June 2nd. I graduated in May 18th, 2019. Wow. And that was my birthday, too. So I'm like, So I was also doing the swim lessons. That was the only way I was making money through high school.

I never had a job. I didn't. My extracurricular activity was theater and then getting fucked up with whoever I was partying with that night. And that's what sucks too. I think at the time, I think Russellville is growing a lot more. I don't really know. I don't really care to go back there. But at the time, there was not much to do there.

So this is what everybody would do with just party. And you have to drive 45 minutes away to get alcohol. So whoever got alcohol, it was like a big deal, right? So when I graduate high school, I like get to have a group of girlfriend. Because I had a lot of friends. I did. I was a little crazy, but there were people who tried being there for me. And like I connected with. And I got a house with a group of girls. So this was right after high school. Yep. Okay. And I wasn't driving still. Right. So like I had Taylor driving me around and my uncle driving me around. I think I tried taking the permit test like once. in high school and I failed and then it just shut my ego down.

I was like, man, I'll do this another time. And like, there's more important things I've had to, right? Like, yeah. So I, and at that point, I didn't even want to be around my and my uncle. And it sucks because I think in the beginning, me and my uncle were so close. Like, we really were, we'd have like laughing hour, we'd call it when my nana was there. And then I just was going this way in high school. And they couldn't, I mean, this isn't how their kids were.

Right? So they were like, you need to get the fuck out of here. when June 2nd hits, this is your day. So I go and get a nice little house with a group of girls, and it was just like high school, but like times 20 with the partying. And like, and I'm finally trying to realize what paying rent is like and what paying bills are like. All I had was the money from doing my swim lessons.

I'd have to get a ride to and from like the house I was doing it at. Sometimes my aunt would come get me. they would still try to like help me but they just wanted me out of their house like you need to figure out some responsibility because you didn't do it while you were in high school you were just doing whatever the fuck you wanted to do and these are the consequences to your actions so they would try and help me sometimes like my roommate would give me a ride and it yeah so like I was really trying to figure this dynamic out plus it was like our first house it's a group of girls like let's all let's party like let's throw parties and you're so

so young. You're still at the partying age at that point. I turned 18 the day I graduated high school. So I was like, yeah, we were all just like, let's do it. Freedom. Right. And Gabby actually like had her own house with a group of other girls too. So like it would be like between those two houses people would go to and stuff. And which is cool. And I was just, I was doing drugs still. I was so zoned in on just like being fucked up somehow. It wasn't smoking. weed if it wasn't doing a little cocaine, if it wasn't taking one of my friends' add rolls here and there. It was terrible. I was just doing whatever would fill me at that time. And it got to the point where I got so overwhelmed with everybody coming over. I was stressing over money. I couldn't.

I was freaking out because I only had like two or three months of rent saved up. It wasn't going to like, what am I going to do? Like truly, I was coming to a point. And so I, I was, I was. I was coming to a point. And so I was also, I was talking to this guy through high school. Like me and him would be on and off. That was a whole thing in itself. And he would come over sometimes to that house when we would throw parties. And like he treated me super. He was just, I thought he was my best friend, but he was just using me like friends of benefits.

But like he would treat me like crap. And he ended up, I had some money stashed for my rent. And he ended up taking it. It was like $700. And he ended up taking it. And that was like a whole thing for me. And it really shut me down. And I didn't know what I was going to do.

Like I don't have an incoming job. I don't have a family or parents, like a lot of people around there that can help or are going to help. My and my uncle were mad at me at this point and were like consequences to your actions. My uncle loves to say that. So and I also wasn't taking care of myself. Like I was so, I was, I mean, I'd be skinny and then I would be binge eating. I would be like activities, nothing. I remember I actually went to the Army recruiter once just to be like what's going on.

And then they talked to me about a PT test. And I was like, yeah, like that. Like I can't even run. What are you talking about? I did not take care of myself at all. And you start to realize like, I think growing into myself and learning to love myself, like at that time, I did not care. I did not love myself.

I didn't want to take care of myself. I just wanted to like fill the void in my life. head, right? So with that group of house, with that group of girls, I literally packed all my stuff up one day and I called my sister and my mom. Somehow that worked out. Somehow I got in contact with them. I can't really remember what it was. I was so fog-minded. Like, it's hard to even think of things when I was. Right. Because I was just on one all the time. If I wasn't drinking, I was doing this. I was doing it. It was crazy. So I somehow, I just dip out. I don't tell those girls anything. I don't, I mean, I signed a lease with them. I did all this stuff and I just leave because I couldn't

handle the parting. I couldn't handle all the people coming over and then like the drama that would just happen between guys and how I was getting treated and like everything else. And I just wasn't ready and I just dipped out. I didn't say anything to anyone. And I, you know, it sucks. I did that. But at the time, I just, I needed to go. I had to leave. I felt like, so I go to my sisters in a little apartment. She's got two kids. She's got her own drama going on. She, like, left her first baby daddy with my two nieces, and she's, like, trying to figure herself out, but she, like, lets me in. It's one thing about my sister. She did always try. Like, she never said no to me if I needed help, right? So, and what struggled with me is, too, like, my brother, I would hear. I would hear. You. I would

hear that my brother was still doing the same type of stuff, but like with his girlfriends now or like would come in and out with my mom. But I was so, I didn't care. I didn't want to hear it. I would just, I don't know the details. I know he's just still fucking up and that's all I need to know to be away from him. So that's cool. So with my sister, I was there for literally maybe a month after I left Russellville. So I went back to Fayetteville, two-hour drive. I think, honestly, I think one of my friends just ended up driving me to Fayetteville to my sister's house and everyone kind of just said by to me and then I was gone. Yeah. And I was freaking out. I was like, this is not, after a month of being with my sister, I'm like, this is not what I need to do.

And Gabby, she got a hold of me and I was like talking to her a lot and she was like, why are you there? And because she kind of knew a little bit of my family dynamic and she was just like, I don't know if this is good for you. And I was like, yeah, you're telling me. And she's like my age. We're both so young. And she's like, why don't you come back to Russell and come stay with me? And she comes. She picks me up, drives two hours away. So here I go. And I'm starting to make these habits, right? Like from what I was doing or having to deal with at a younger as a child, I'm starting to like. Repeat the pattern. Right. And I'm like, I just, I didn't know what to do. So Gabby, she really, she really pulled through for me.

She can't, I mean, that's her story, but she came from, she had her own issues, but she knew, like, you got to get your shit going, you got to work, like, you got to do your thing. And so I go, and she had her house, because, like I said, it was our two houses. And I actually, like, was staying at that house with her once she picked me up. And she got me my first job, like, at McAllister's Deli, and we started working there together. So I was, like, having a steady income. I went, opened up my first bank account with her. Like, she was really sure.

showing me how to like be do do the adult thing like look I get this isn't how it is but or what you were shown and you weren't wanting to see from your aunt your uncle yeah like look because you know we're still smoking we'd have a good time but she was also like it was and I think it's helpful when it's somebody that's your age right you're able to kind of do it together right versus feeling like an adult is telling me I don't want to listen yeah and at the time too Gabby was so like known and super she's beautiful like she's beautiful like she's still is, but like, I respected her a lot. I really did. I looked up to her a lot. And the fact she was taking me in meant so much to me. And I was also doing, before I got, I was smoking almost every,

like morning to night. And she was like, we need to stop that. And I first time since I was 11 to 18, I stopped smoking. And we like took a drug test together and like I passed and we were both so happy. And then months later, like, we were like, should we get high? And then we got high. And then we got And it was like the first time again because it had been so long. So it was nice because I'm finally doing my thing. And then so we end up moving like with, we move out of that house into another house with a bunch of girls. And that was kind of a messed up situation.

But we kind of did what we had to do. And it was, COVID was about to start happening. Keep in mind, I had never been in a relationship. I've never had a boyfriend. I've never like, I've just kind of had. lings. I never had a guy at this point come up to me and be like, I'm infatuated with you. I love you. Like, you're pretty. I always was kind of just the home girl. Like, everybody was cool with. I had a lot of guy friends. And at this point, had you ever told anyone about what

happened with you and your brother or no? I think I opened up a little bit to Gabby about it. She knew like the neglect. I can't remember. Eventually she like knows that he sexually abused me, but I don't know at that time. Okay. I think that was just a conversation, but she knew like. That there was issues there. Yeah.

I'm not good with being a victim. Yeah. I am. I'm not very good with it. I just, you know, I didn't like to put that out there. So yeah, me and Gabby are like living together doing this thing. She's helped me get a job. And like I said, boys not very good with.

I started talking to this guy. Oh, that's all. Okay. But it's an important part of the story. It's an important part of the story. So I have to fucking talk about it. I don't. We were together for three years after we first met.

He's a big part of everything, unfortunately. But, you know, you got to go through. You got to go through it to learn it. Yeah. And I'm just glad to go. lad. I'm out of that. So me and Gabby would throw parties and stuff. We were also working. I eventually quit the deli and started working as a CNA. Also, COVID's about to happen, right? Because it's like 2020 around there. And so I meet this guy, Henry.

Definitely going to say his name because I want to expose this motherfucker because he sucks. Henry, it is? I don't know. I don't even hear from him for, I haven't heard anything from him for years. I hope he's not dead. I don't really care other than that, right? So I meet him and he like, we would see each other through high school. So I knew of him a few years older than me. He was really artistic, super popular. Like, I very much was like, how could someone like him like me? Like, truly.

It was such a, because I was so, like, the only other guy I was really into in high school was a scrawny, like, druggy type of dude. So when Henry came, it's like, came from a good family. He had like, seemed like, got that. the time, priorities and dreams and goals and he was a little artistic and I was in theater and it was just like, ah, so me and Gabby were living together when I met him. So we started, you know, talking. I don't even really remember how we started even flirting with each other. But all I know is we were hooking up and we were wanting to be a thing. It was like the first guy that like really wanted my attention and wanted to like, he took me on my first day ever. He took me on my first day

ever he actually did stuff with me. And for me, it's like, oh, I thought you just kind of like, right? And Gabby would try it because she was in relationships and she knew how to handle herself with boys. And so she would try and tell me, you know, like, this is how it should be. So she, you know, saw that I wasn't very, I don't know, good or had a relationship before. So at first, she really encouraged it. So the night we actually started dating. I remember this night because Gabby through a party. I'm a CNA now. I'm working on a nursing home and Gabby through this huge party in COVID just happened. And small town, somehow one of our roommates who we were living with got tested positive for COVID. And this is like, COVID just happened. So it's all scary,

blah, blah, blah. And it goes like all over social media. And we have to stay in our house for a month. Henry was with me and asked me out that night at the party, one of his best friends, and then like four of us roommates. So we were all stuck in that house for a month together. After our first night of dating, we are stuck together for a month. Yay. Like, it was terrible. Plus, I was a CNA. So all these nurses are super mad at me because I worked in a nursing home.

Gabby's getting a bunch of backlash because she threw the party. Like, we had, she had people like messaging her moms being like, how could you, this and that. It was crazy. It was on the news. It was terrible. Our neighbors were watching us to make sure we were staying inside. It was horrible. So how mine and his relationship started was already just like toxic, right? Like, this is terrible. And I think at this point, alcohol was super involved with me and Gabby in our life. And I think she was kind of going through her own thing with that. So we were still, you know, best friends, but we also were kind of doing our own thing. I was with Henry all a time and he um his parents did not approve the relationship super christian too it was a big family

a whole bunch of siblings and they lived like a few houses down from our house so they knew our house to be what it was like this party house college or yeah whatever and there were times he would be over there and like his parents come knocking at the front door like where's and he i was 19 when we met 19 and he was 23 he was a little old older than me. I think, yeah, 23. So I, for me, it's like, dude, this is a grown-ass man. Like, what it, because look at where I came from. Like, I don't think of. Like, my parents aren't knocking on the door. Right. But in their heads, I will say, like, they have money. They paid for his college, for him to do stuff for his car. So they're like, what is he doing? Like,

this is not how he live. So they would be coming to our front door, like, trying to get Henry out. And we're also just drinking and partying this whole time. I remember when we were stuff. stuck in that house for a month. Like, we woke up. What else is there to do? Or drink. Like, it was terrible. I gained a bunch of weight.

Like, I'm in this relationship now. And I'm never, it's just so weird talking about it all. But so, yeah, it was already super. And Gabby was going through her own things. And she was going back and forth with moving back home to St. Louis. And, you know, I'd bring it up to her a little bit because I knew some things was going on. It would suck.

But I felt like I also had Henry. And it's the first man in my life ever. it sucks, but he was who I wanted to be with. I love Gabby to death, but like, I was choosing him over everything. I really was. I was ready. Like, I don't know. I, that's picture, you know, the house and the picket fence that I've never had and to be a couple. And I'm so young, too, thinking this. But I just, when I first met him, like, I didn't even think a guy would even look at me, would even want anything like that. So he made it seem like we were about to date and be in this relationship. And we were going to be made a man. And we were going to be made.

making steps to do that. But we were also living the super toxic lifestyle. And he ended up just staying at my house all the time, not working, not paying for anything. He had a vehicle, because keep in mind, I still don't have a freaking license at this point. And I was just working. I'd walk to work sometimes. I'd get a ride from them. I'd work 16-hour shifts being a C&A now. It was more of a big girl job than working at the deli, right? But once like COVID hit, I did not want to do that anymore because, I mean, nursing, home, people were just going. And it was hard for me. I didn't, I didn't like it. Yeah. And so the first time, Henry cheated on me, I, uh, dude, it wasn't even like two months

in our relationship. And he was at my house, hanging out all the time, chilling. I come home and I worked a 16-hour shift, so 7, like 7 a.m. And I was about to have to go back into work at 2. And I remember that so vividly because I'm like, how could you do this? And I come to bed and I like get ready to fall asleep for the day and then wake back up and I look at his phone and I'm I don't know I was just like there's something going on like I had this weird feeling there's something on there he's getting notifications something made me be like I need to check his phone I check his phone and he literally was just Snapchat and this girl being like yeah so let me know whenever you're off your period and you can hop on this dick that was the first yeah and it's like a

joke now to me and all my friends because it's like, yeah, remember the first. And that was the first admitting. Because this is my first relationship. It's the first guy who's, and then he, once I found that out, we get into this big fight. I come back home the next night. I have flowers and a big Mac. And he's like doing all these things that are super sweet. So like I should forgive him, right? You know what I mean? Like that's my mindset. And that was just like our relationship for the longest time all through 2020. He's just living with me. I'm supporting us and he's shooting on me and we're just drinking all the time. That was our relationship. And his parents are like constantly trying to fight with us, constantly trying to like get him out of the house and then he'd come back. And I was

so attached to him like, because this is the first man that's like, you know, I'm, I'm in love with and he's making me feel like I'm loved and like sexually too. Like I'm feeling more open with him. And he is who I really started to like talk about all the details with. Okay. And keep in mind, I haven't really no idea about my father at all. I've never met him. I've never, I don't know anything. I don't know the details besides what I've learned when I was little.

So I think that had a lot to do with me getting attached to him the way I did too. Absolutely. Yeah. So I get a call one day from my mom. and I was starting to talk to my mom a little bit more. I'm getting older, you know, I'm like trying to have a little bit of relationship with her, growing more empathy. I get a call from her and she's like, hey, your dad's sister wants to get a hold of you. Like, they want to talk to you.

Dude, I've never even talked to it. Nothing on my dad's side of the family. What the hell? So she, like, talks to me and she's like, hey, we really want to meet you guys. Like, I really want to meet you. You have a whole other side of the family. We all want to get to know you, like, all the same. stuff. I'm like, holy crap. Like, I've never, I've never had that. Yeah. Okay, bet. And me and Henry, too,

like, we're not doing anything. I'm just going to work. We have roommates. Gabby eventually ends up moving back to St. Louis. So I don't even really have Gabby to kind of, and, you know, she was going through her own stuff. She's not going to sit here. And so I just got to a point, too, where I was like, I don't know what's going to happen. Like, he's not doing, he's not working. He's not going to school. I'm here, like, why shouldn't I open up and see what's on the other side of my dad's side of the family? I was just stagnant, like, not doing anything. So when I got that call, I was like, all right, like, let me try and open this door. So I talked with my aunt on the phone.

First time talking to her, never knew any of them. My mom just kept it from me, and she, like, immediately wants to help me. Once to help me with rent, wants to help me with bills, wants to fly me out there, me and Henry. pay for all of it, fly me out there, meet all of them. And I, like, I didn't know any of the details of my father's situation. I knew he did this. I saw some things happen. So, like, I know it happened, right? As crazy as my brother and my sister and my mom are, you don't just get sent to prison for 42 years for nothing, right? So I, like, go. And I remember when I told my mom, I was going, they were going to fly me out for that Thanksgiving that was coming up and fly me and

Henry both out. So Henry came with me when I met all of them at first. So he's like experiencing all this with me, right? And I remember talking to my mom about it and, you know, she's distraught because this is the one thing she's wanted to keep from me my whole life and protect me from and yada yada. So during the time I find out. So we fly out there. My aunt starts helping me. We start building a connection and me and Henry fly out there for Thanksgiving. I meet my. cousins, like, I have all this stuff. And so I start asking questions. Like, so what happened? Basically, in their heads, uh, my dad did not do it. My brother, my sister, my mom are crazy, and they came up with this story and put him in prison. And I was like, oh. And I, I'm not,

I'm not going to come out and be like, and try and fight all these people on like, hey, that's not the truth. Especially I'm not close with my family. Yeah. Like, It's just me, to be honest. I've been like a lone wolf this whole time. So why am I going to sit here and try and stick up for things? My sister's never gotten to detail with me and opened up to me about all of it. So I felt super just like, okay, like very combative in my head. And then come to find out, he's been out of prison for like five years.

And he has a wife and he has a house, a nice big house. He has a whole bunch of cars. He's living great, having a great life. And your mom had no idea. I think she knew he was married. I think she did. So he had been out for five years. When I was in high school, he got out.

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, I got pissed. How early did he get out? I think when I was 16. Okay. So that would have been what? Like, 30 years?

Like, he was sentenced to what? 42. Yeah, he only served 10 years. Sorry, I should set that. Okay. He only served 10 years of that. Okay. Good behavior.

Okay. The whole shebang. It's crazy. Right? And then he has a wife. Who the, who don't want to marry somebody? Like, I was so like what the actual. Right.

And then just, I think, too, it's hurtful. Dude, I couldn't eat some days. Yeah. And you have a great life. I'm your, I've heard his only blood. I'm his only, he doesn't have any other kids. They never had kids. They had animals in this house.

And. Okay, so you find this out from your aunt. So he got out when he was like 38, 39. Bro, him and his wife met when she was 22 years old. I am 19, or 19, 20 when I meet him. So I'm like, I'm just battling this internally. And then I also have this relationship going on with Henry. And I'm just kind of dragging him with me because he's not doing anything to like put his feet on the ground too and like stand up and be a man and be supportive.

and I think I just made it really easy for him to just like tag on. Yeah. And I was so in love with him. I would have done anything. Terrible. So we go there and they're telling me all this about my dad and they're like, so like, do you want to meet him? And I'll never forget. I was like, all right, like, let's do this.

We meet and he brings his wife and stuff and we're in a hotel. And I remember like just being so anxious, but also being so calm. And when my dad walked through the door, I mean, you can't, you, I'm obviously his kid. You can tell we have such features, like our teeth are the same. It's crazy. And he, like, hugged me, and I hugged him, and Henry started crying. And I just didn't have much emotion. Like, obviously, this is a huge deal.

I haven't seen him since I was six years old. No idea what was happening. He has this wife. His wife has apparently been, like, trying to look for me all this time, ever since she's heard the story of me, because, he, I don't figure this out. I figure this out the next day after I meet him. So we hug, we like have this moment, like, holy shit.

We're face to face now. After all this time, I'm like, no, yada yada. I can't be around him. He's the most dangerous man in the world. I'm like, bug it. Like, I'm going to meet this man. So we finally do. And then that next day, we like, all go to the beach.

And I'll never forget this moment. This is a really big moment in my life. I, you know, and Henry's still just with us. us randomly, like not doing anything. They're paying for all of his stuff too. We are a grown ass adults. Like, he's older than me. Yeah. What are we doing? Right? But whatever. And I go out to my dad, we're standing on the beach and I go so, like, we're having a conversation and I finally go so, like, did you do it? He was like, no. And that moment I was like, this motherfucker is lying to everybody. He is lying to everyone. He is really around here sitting here saying that like,

my brother, my sister, my mom came up with this shit and put him in prison. And that was that. And Mike, there were little stories. Because I don't remember, like, they had friends. So, like, my mom, my dad collectively together. So people would come to my mom and tell stories about him that just, it all added up to, there's too many people that knew that he did this, like for it not to be true, especially back at home. So they're in North Carolina. him. And so we fly from Arkansas and North Carolina. So he has like a huge separation. It's not like he's just convinced all these people over here that these people lied and put him in prison and kept his daughter away from him. And it's like, bro, I wish that was the truth. Like let's be so for real.

Like I wish that was the truth. So in that moment when he told me that, I was like. And also Henry came from, he wasn't exposed to any of this. stuff. And thankfully, like, his parents, nobody should have to, right? But like, I would try and talk to him about it and stuff. You just didn't get it. Homeboy didn't know what was going on. Like, he was just there for the ride. And also, like, this is happening. It's a huge monumental, like, moment in my life. Henry's also, like, cheating on me, lying to me. And I'm just, like, kind of knowing and not caring anymore. So we have, like, a week there. And then we end up flying back home and still the same thing. And I just like, and me and my dad's wife immediately, like, connected. I was still super angry, though. Like, who the fuck is this chick that, like, is getting spoiled from my dad? And I had to literally go without because of who he is. Make this make sense.

He hasn't had to do. Child support, not a thing. Nothing. Like, he was in prison. Like, are you, like, I was so bitter. I was so bitter. And so it was hard for me to break that wall down with her. But I stayed in contact and I kept my mouth shut.

because I'm not about to blow up this world as much as I wanted to. But in that moment, I was like, I'm going to come for everything that you have. I am not going to just go without my life and be where I'm at and be stagnant and you be able to live this great life. And pretend like you did nothing wrong. Yeah. I was, I was pissed, dude. Yeah. So I go back home with Henry and me and my and I are talking to through phone.

And my dad, like, I never really felt like he ever. cared about me. I mean, if he cared about me, he wouldn't have done all this stuff all those years ago. And I was kind of okay with that. In my head, I was just like, I cried my tears for you when I was little. I don't really care to anymore. And he's playing this huge facade. And this is a little, like my mind was so dark back then. I mean, not, but really, like four or five years ago, it really was. I was in this relationship and I just was like, in my head, I was just going to get what I deserved. And I don't care who I hurt in the way. and you are the biggest fuck up in my life,

so I'm going to come for you. And you're playing this facade to everybody on this side. I'm going to play this facade, too. So me and I would talk. And eventually she was like, why don't you move out here? You and Henry move out here. And we'll help you guys get started.

So literally in November, we come back. We move back out there New Year's. Because I'm like, it's a way better deal. Like, right? What I'm doing? I don't know. Me and Henry have no stability. We have nothing.

Were you talking to your mom at this point? Like, did she know? A little bit, but I kept everything from them. Okay, so your mom didn't know you were going to live with him. I was like with my aunt. Okay. And they were kind of helping, so I'd go back and forth. Got it.

But I would keep it very like, yeah, y'all don't know I'm with him. I barely talked to him. Okay. Because, like, that would be a whole blow up in itself. My mom very much, like, wore, my ex-husband did this and this on her chest. So, like, it really messed with her. So I couldn't. I'm not going to.

I'm good at keep my mouth shut and just staying in my lane, and I'm not about to, like, get you involved so you can get all emotionally, like, trauma-ed-out again, and she doesn't handle it very well anyways. So I was like, yeah, no. So I didn't, like, I didn't talk to them for a minute. Again, I would be in and out, just check in, make sure basically, like, you're not sick or alive, but I really didn't talk to them. I was doing my own thing, especially, like, with Henry.

I even, like, me and Gabby kind of, we were still always talking, but we kind of, stop talking there for a little bit. And so, yeah, I'm in this horrible relationship. And then they move us there. They try and help us out. And I'm just like bitter. I'm just, I was not in the mindset to really do anything. I was just like, fuck this, fuck that.

Like me and who are here. I deserve it. Blah, blah, blah. And which isn't just, you can't force that. You know what I mean? He did what he did, but you can't force and have that negative, like, I'm going to take it. That's not how the world works.

That's not, you got to let things come out and be how they need to be. So with Henry there, Henry made it really, really hard. I wasn't even able to focus on what was going on. And, I mean, granted, he did move away from his family and stuff. So he was having his own issues, but he was also just, like, constantly cheating on me and constantly, like, lying to me. And, like, we both were gaining way. We both weren't taking care of each other or taking care of ourselves.

He was also, I think he was a sex addict. Like if I didn't make him nut at least once a day, it was an issue with us. So that was also in my head too. And this is what I'm so, this is how men love me. This is what I'm supposed to do in my head. If I want the, I was full on ready. And I say this and I just, I can't believe I was full on ready to be that woman that just like gets cheated on by her man. Like I was full on ready for that.

we end up getting pregnant. I get pregnant and the first, while I'm there, so I can't even focus anymore and I take the test and I'm like, shit, you know, and the first thing he says is my family won't accept this. No comfort, nothing. He's just like, we have to do something about this. This can't. And I was so infatuated with him. I would have done anything.

So we had an abortion and, you know, I hesitate. to bring it up and stuff. But I think it's important because it's one of like the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I think if he wasn't influencing me and I wasn't so in love with him, I would have had that baby and I would have thrived with him. But I loved him so much and I chose his values. Dude, I get this abortion and he leaves a week after that because he told me his grandpa was sick and he had a date for when he was going to fly back out. That date came and he tells me he's not coming back, and he didn't have a plane ticket this whole time. Yeah. So I've never been suicidal. I've never been super depressed. I want to kill myself. I'm on birth control now because

I just had an abortion. Like, this was terrible. And how could you just leave me here after we moved here? Like, are you, what? Like, I was heartbroken, couldn't even focus on my dad and his wife. And I just was like, this is terrible. Gabby gets hold of me again. And she's like, come stay with me. Like, come to St. Louis. you're not safe there. Like, because I opened up to her about my dad and she knew that situation. So she was like, I just don't like it. You should just come live with me and my parents. So again, she helps me out.

I go there and, um, I get close with her family and stuff. And then I kind of leave my dad's situation kind of back. I'd stay in touch with his wife, but not very much him because I was honestly just embarrassed. I was embarrassed of how we were living. I was embarrassed of like using all of their stuff and like, like, like not having any drive. And I just was like, I was so just mentally down and not knowing what I was going to do.

So I just kind of dipped out. I moved to St. Louis with Gabby. And, I mean, she tries to get me going and all this stuff. And me and Henry rekindle. And same old, same old. He ends up cheating on me. I mean, it's just same story, different chat. Like, I could not get away from this kid.

It did not matter how much he hurt me. I was just ready, like, to be with him, be there. and he would drive from Arkansas to St. Louis to see me. So, oh, my gosh, like, you're making this drive. Right. Eventually, though, I wasn't really doing anything with Gabby and St. Louis. So I was like, okay, I need to go. Like, I'm hurting you.

I'm hurting myself. And I dip out on her. And I don't do it in a really good way. I, like, I was, I just wasn't taking care of myself and I could feel it. So I hit up my sister. My sister, of course, was like, come on, just come, stay with me and get a job or whatever. So I leave Gabby's and those habits I'm starting again from when I was a child and it just sucks how much it affected me. I get a job working at a fast food

restaurant and I think it was Pope. Yeah, Popeyes. And I'm walking to and from work for my sister. So I'm starting to, you know, make some type of income again, do little independence. But I'm also still with Henry. He's holding me back so much. And he just also wouldn't let. me go. I wouldn't let him go. He'd cheat on me. We'd break up. We'd get back together. He would, like, he used me in our whole relationship. And I don't know. It sucked. It sucks thinking about it because I put so much faith and effort into someone I just really shouldn't have. And I should have been doing it to myself. Well, I want to mention too, because I know that you just said, like, it sucks how much everything affected you, you know, with even you just not being able to

stay in one place and constantly moving. But the fact, you're only 24, right? Right now. Like, the fact that you're only 24 and you have all these realizations, like, that's still amazing and young, because there are some people that they don't, they don't come full circle and have those realizations until they're like 40s, 50, you know what I mean? So it's amazing that you can still reflect. You still have so much life left. Yeah. You know, not to go through those patterns. Like, a lot of people don't break those off that early. And to be honest, I didn't think I ever would. Yeah. In that moment in time, I was like, this is. You just were you probably at one of your lowest with yourself. I really was. And I didn't look. It was just awful. And so finally,

my mom got a little apartment. And at this point, like my brother, I have no idea where he's like. He's moved out for my mom. My mom's the only of stuff on her own. And I, me and Henry, go and stay with my mom in her little apartment for maybe like a month. And I get a different job. And I get this job at the library there in favor. And it's a huge library. I was like security and events. And so I had like a really nice job. And I love this job.

This job changed my life. This is really where it starts getting good. And the best thing he did was leave and block me. If there is anything good that that man did for me, it is that. And thank you for it. Like everything else, I could never treat a human like that the way that I loved him and him. but he just one day like he was using my family stuff he was using me i start working at this library i'm walking to and from work um because it was like you know a university town so i was able to walk

i was like working my ass off and i was saving up and i was finally able to get an apartment and i was actually getting the apartment below my mom's so i'm like you know just having a little bit of something come together for me right and then he he leaves he's just like he's there one day he texts me and he's like i'm done like i'm done with this he like too, I saw on his phone, like he was talking to the girls and stuff and come to find out one of the girls I saw. And I just feel for her now. And I never like, I keep it to myself. But he was messaging her. And I, I stopped posting on social media like a year before that. So me and him aren't even, a lot of people don't even know we were still together after everything. So he, after he left me, like two months after we break up, he's like, with another girl that he was texting. And apparently they've been dating for months.

It doesn't add up in my book. And then a month later, I feel like they got married. Wow. I was like, all right. And that hurt so bad, but I also was like, all right, I'm about to lock in. And I got this apartment all by myself. I saved up money. I started working out.

I was walking to and from work. I had responsibility. I had like a purpose. I got my cat, my first cat, my one animal, and it was like, well, at least I need to come home to him. If he, like, at that point, if I have to do this because my cat needs me. It really came to that. And I did it. Like, I saved up the money for that.

I didn't have anybody help me. I didn't want anything from my dad and his wife because they just did the most for me and I just kind of fucked up. But this whole point, I isolate myself. And his wife is the only one that's messaging me and, like, talking to me and, like, trying to help me get through stuff. And it was hard because I feel like I was always kind of had a connection with her, but I was so irritated that like she didn't know the truth. Yeah. And that she's just believing this man. So a year of me isolating myself, working, working out, doing my thing, I stopped drinking.

I stopped doing all of it. I stopped hanging out with people and I just zoned in. And then I went, I'd start, I'd go and I'd visit them because I was like, you know what? Let me just see what's up. And it was nice. Like there were times, I feel like with my father, he would convince me. And I'd be like, you know, what if? Like that, because they seem like they just have it together. This could be the family that I've always wanted. But the universe, God, whatever, always made me realize, like,

remember who this man is. Like, remember. Don't forget. Yeah. I didn't realize there were things going on in their marriage at all. Like, she kind of kept that away from me for a minute. So I'm in this apartment and she's like, hey, backtrack, one of the times I go and visit, I end up meeting a guy. It's a family friend or whatever, and we really click it off. He's my boyfriend to this day. He was in the Coast Guard. He's like super admirable. He's the best. I love him. So I meet him and then I like go back home. So that was like, you know, on my head and like having a life out here. And my head is screwed on different now. I'm like, I isolated myself. I feel like I disciplined myself on my own without having anybody's help and, like, doing my own thing.

And I just was like, I want a future. I don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. I was also, like, at work, I'm walking like 30,000 steps a day. I'm working my ass off. Not getting paid for the work I'm doing. I couldn't even think about school because money, like. So I just was starting to think of my future. And I was just starting to walk in and just start like, because I never did before. And I wanted to break that cycle. So his wife was like, why don't we move you up here? Like, you could have a life here. You met your boyfriend. You met like, you have us. Like, let's see what's up. And I thought about it. I was like, you know what? Like, I'm going to do it. I'm doing it on my own. I'm not doing it in this horrible situation. And so I had come up also, Taylor, my friend from high school, she was the only other person that started checking in on me as well in my time of like isolation. So it was really cool because I had her and me and Gabby had. And me and Gabby had.

to take space from each other because I dipped out on her. So her and my dad's wife really helps motivate me while I had no one just to get my shit together. So his wife was like, why don't you move up here, you know, we can help you, whatever. And so I move up here. I have like a nice little spot. Somehow around that year of isolation, I ended up with two more cats and a dog. It happens. Sound like me. It happens. It does happen. So they also were like more support. help with your responsibility, animals, yada, yada.

Come up there and I just was the mindset, you know what? I don't have this bitter mind where I'm like, I want to take all of your stuff because I'm also getting close with his wife. Like me and her, I mean, like she's my stepmom to me despite all of it.

And not to sound like that, but I didn't even have to say anything. She eventually came to me and was like, I wanted to divorce your dad. It's terrible. And like, I would pick up on things. He like, he wouldn't treat, he wasn't, like, dude, I'm your daughter that you've never met. Why aren't you, you know, more involved?

Or I was fine with it because I kind of knew this whole time, right? In my head, I'm like, yeah, like I know who this man is. But like I said, I can play this part just as much as you can. Right. Let me take the benefits of it. So I, it was hard because I always wanted to tell her. I always wanted to just tell her like, girl, this is not. Yeah, like go. As soon as she said that.

I was like, yeah, I get that. You totally shouldn't like a thousand percent. And we're, she's like, when I came in and she saw, because she saw me all those years ago with Henry and how I was. So when I came back, I've lost weight. I have a whole different mindset. I'm like, ready to go. And we started going to the gym together. And I think, I mean, don't get me wrong.

She did this all on her own. But I think it inspired her too in a way because, like, she saw where I was. And she, like, it's never too late. It doesn't matter how old you are. She's been with this man for like almost a decade now. And she's just feeling like he's just eating, sucking the life. life out of her. And he's not an emotional man. Like, he was in prison for 10 years. That already messes you up as it is. And this whole time, too, once I'm starting to build more of a relationship

with my mom, my sister. And I'm, I open up to them about my brother. And it was, so you tell them. Yeah, I would call them and stuff and text them. And throughout this moment in time, I'm like, you know, because I'm just, I'm finding my voice. I'm finding myself. I'm feeling more So what was their response to that? My mom, they, for the first time, they, like, literally were like, you're not full of shit. You're not this little girl. Like, we believe you.

We're so sorry. Like, it was super fulfilling. And they talked to him, my brother about it. And he didn't deny it. He admitted it. So it's even more validating for me, right? Like, finally, you guys know, like, y'all did not treat me well. This is why I stepped away from you guys and I went other directions.

So we're like, it's hard because, you know, they know I'm kind of figuring my stuff out. My dad's out of the family, but it's hard for them because of all the stuff that's happening. But they're starting to understand because my brother did it to me too. So it was hard, but I'm. Now, did he, you might be getting to this, but did he ever do, you said that he did sexually abuse your sister as well or no? No. Just you. No, just me.

And then I know, I think I was like the young. that he, but he like would go and come to find out some of my mom's friends, like he would go in and mess with their feet while they were sleeping. And yeah, it got like, he needed help. It was serious. It wasn't like he would spend thousands of dollars like for feet stuff. And like this was obviously an issue. This isn't just like, you know, and it's sad. Like, and he was drinking all the time and doing whatever. So he like, around this time of me living, here, I'm hearing stuff about him. And it sucks because he got accused of doing something to a little girl, and he got sentenced to, like, prison for it. So when I messaged you that day to come here,

he got sentenced guilty because he went to trial because he said he wasn't, he went to trial because he was going to fight for it. And because he, like, swears up and down. And it was so hard my mom and my sister because like he didn't do it. I don't know. I can't sit here and be like, yeah, he didn't do that. Right. To me. But they, you know, and he. It's hard. It's hard. And it was, I mean, I still feel weird about it. Like I grew up with him. I saw him as a kid and now he got sentenced to 25 years in March. He. So he's away. Yeah. So while I'm here. And he has five kids. Yeah. And I never saw him take any initiative. And you know what's what's scary and sad is. is, you know, like, I don't, I mean, I guess would you be considered a pedophile?

Like, if you're doing, like, I guess, like, I don't know. He was 14, 15, 16 when he was doing it to me. And I was so young. I don't know. I just wonder, like, if it is true, if he did it to a child, it makes you wonder. Yeah, like a thousand percent. Would he? And if he has this foot fetish to an extreme.

It's like. He was doing to grown-ass adults. Well, it makes you wonder, too. It's like, you know, and. And who knows? Like I could, this is just like my own thoughts that I'm thinking now. I'm just saying yell out loud. But it's like he might think in his mind like, oh, it's just an obsession or a fetish with feet.

It's not super, it's not like super sexual. You know what I mean? Like people, like, you never know if he could be justifying it in his mind. But he doesn't like the trauma that it's inflicted. Like it is sexual abuse, you know? And it's scary because it makes you wonder like especially since he has kids. And it's like not. to be like silly, but he is access to all these feet. And if that's his thing, you don't,

you know. And nobody like, he never got help. He never stopped. He never, like, he never got sober. He never, he was in and out of jail for random shit all the time before. Like, I just stayed away from it. When he got sentenced, was he in a relationship with anybody? No, he was like, it was his ex-wife, girlfriend? I don't even know, but like ex-baby mama who, like, accused him of doing it to like her family member. And like to this and like, yeah, that was a super dysfunctional relationship. So it's easy for my mom, my sister to be like, yeah, I don't think he did this. And he probably didn't do it.

Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to say here. I don't fucking know. Right. Right. You only know what happened to you. And that's where I'm at. Yeah.

I feel. And so how did you feel when he got sentenced? I felt, I mean, it's weird thinking of somebody that you grew up with like that. be in a spot like that. With my father, it's like, that was how my life started and that was that. But like with him, it's like, it's a little like, damn, like, at first. Did you and him ever have a conversation about what he did to you when you were a child? No, never, like, details.

And if I came around, like, to see my mom or my sister, like, he was there. But I was very standoffish. Okay. So you both never kind of. Only with my mom and my sister. Okay. And they probably like brought it up to him a lot because they wanted. My mom's always just wanted all of us to be together.

Right. But unfortunately, that's just not the case for us. And then the reason your dad went to prison, was that because your mom found out what he was doing to your sister? So, yeah. And okay, so his wife, right, is going through this stuff because I still don't really know all the details. All I know is that he did this and went to prison, right? She's wanting to divorce him. He's also like cheating and doing all this stuff.

Keep in mind, I don't know full deal. details of really what happened with my father. I'm talking to my sister and my mom more. We're building this relationship. And then finally, like, a huge blow-up, like him doing something disrespectful to his wife. She was like, I'm done. I'm going to leave. Separates. And I just kept battling with myself because I was like, I knew the truth. Like, I knew he did this. And, like, she's just spiraling right now because he's treating her like this and she's trying to be like be respectful with this separation but it's like we gotta stop giving this man so much grace bro like I was so tired of playing the park because I'm also just growing like I'm not trying to keep anything

from anybody anymore I want it all out on the table I'm like this is not it so she um actually on my birthday she finally was like uh she's like talking me about some lies that she was She was just going in and she finally says to me, she's like, because we're close. Like, she's like my best friend, but my stepmom. And she's done so much for me, dude. I would not be where I'm at today if it wasn't for her. That's amazing. So, like, and we can talk to each other about anything.

And she's, like, coming, you know, she's had her own stuff with her parents to make her fall for this type of man and be stuck with it and be manipulated by him this whole time. Isn't it crazy just like the cycles that, you don't even realize. And that's why I wanted to do this even more because everything affects everyone. But people don't realize that. That's why for so long. I contemplated, do I even want kids? And I know I've said this on the show, but because you could do something and not even know how it's going to affect your child. And then if you want to go outside of that, you don't know what's happening as soon as they leave your house at school.

Yeah. With friends, like their friends' parents. It's a sick world. And it's terrifying. It is. It's, yeah. And like some people turn out great like you. And unfortunately, some people, they don't have, they never find the tools within themselves to go down.

a better path. Yep. And it's like at how much is that their fault? They don't know, you know what I mean? It sucks. It does suck. It's like setting people up for failure. It is.

And that's why I'm grateful for everything I went through because I do feel like it guided me to be more stern and where I want to be at today. But it, look how much it affected me. Right. The relationship I was in for three years. Look at what I was choosing. Yeah. So yeah.

So even with her. So it took me like, I put myself in her shoes. I get it. At first I didn't want to because I was like, what? But so she goes to me, she goes, no wonder he spent 10 years in prison. First, whatever, he only got sentenced to three. And then in that moment, I was like, what did he tell you? He got sentenced to three years in prison.

I was like, okay. I was like, we got to talk. We got to sit there and have a conversation about this. And she was like, what do you mean? I was like, there's not a doubt in my mind that he didn't do what he was accused of. And she was like, so he did it. I was like, we'll talk tomorrow. And we have a whole conversation.

And that day before I call my mom, my sister, and I'm like, I need you guys tell me everything. And dude, it's my sister told me everything. It was crazy. And I read interviews between them. I read the charges. You don't, an eight-year-old, knowing what his private parts look like, knowing what sperm tastes like, he did everything to her but, like actual sex. A rape at that point. Literally, like for years.

She tried even telling my mom. And, you know, as a mom, anything but that, right? Like, single three kids. So it was a whole thing with them. And it was like puzzle pieces. Did he do anything to your brother? I think he did stuff in front of him and tried a few times getting him to do stuff to her. But your sister got the brunt of it.

My sister got the brunt of it. And, like, she opened up to me about all of it. God, that's horrible. I mean, I'm, I didn't have a doubt in my mind. I knew something. that I was just like hearing all of it and then me having to tell his now ex-wife and just come out and be like, he's been lying about all of this stuff. So with this divorce happening and I moved here obviously to get closer with them and get support, it's obviously kind of put a wrench in things.

So I like, for myself, I was like, I don't want to be involved anymore with any of this toxic as shit. And his wife is doing amazing and like doing what she's got to do. but I came to a point where it was like, okay, I came here to get support. That's not really happening now because they're about to get separated. Like, what can I do? And I also was talking with my boyfriend about it, like just struggling because I was really just kind of soaking in it. Like, this man did this. Yeah, you're that and your brother.

Yeah. So I am now in the process. So I like was like, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life because I want to get away. I'm tired of family. I love my family, but I am tired. And sometimes you might find yourself just needing those times of space to just, you know, collect yourself. My sister and my mom have been so locked in with each other and same with my brother. And I think it was good that I did separate from them. And I was super a lone wolf there for a while. And I'm not really afraid of change. I mean, I have the mood and I can do that. But in a positive way, like character development is super. important, but also, like, you have to strive better. You can't just, you know, do things to benefit. Right, like to escape. Yeah. So now I was like, okay, what do I need to do? And my boyfriend is in the Coast Guard, and we were just talking back and forth because I'm super active now. I'm super, I go to the gym all the time. I, like,

completely changed my whole, I don't smoke at all anymore. I don't drink like that. I mean, I can't tell you when I've touched any other drug. I completely changed my mindset. So I was like, all right, what am I going to do? Signed up for the Coast Guard, and I'm going to boot camp in November. Wow. And I am super excited. And I'm also excited to just be away for the holidays from all of it as well, too.

Like no pressure. Yeah. Yeah. And I like, it just all happens so quick. And I'm just, and then like this, doing this, I was like, this is perfect. Like how this is all timing out. And I'm feeling like I'm supposed to be where I need to be and going where I should be going. And like I got to learn all these lessons along the way.

And as hard as it is, like dealing with, I mean, I am my uncle, with my mom, with meeting my dad's wife and having that relationship. I mean, having a father who literally, he doesn't, dude, I haven't spoken to that man in months because he just feels like I took her side. Because he has no idea that I'm even doing this and that I. Yeah. told everybody who he really is. He has no idea. So I like, I don't care. Like, I... But you have no relationship with him. He doesn't try? No, he never, yeah, he doesn't care? And like, doesn't that prove of who he is even more? And... And you would think, too, if he was trying to prove that he wasn't that kind of person, that he'd be, like, trying extra hard for you.

Yeah. And nothing. He does not... You can tell. He doesn't care. He does not care at all. And... And how are you... But you, your mom and your sister, are you guys, have a pretty good relationship right now. So once I called them and was like, hey, everything's from the surface, I can tell you guys everything. I need you to tell me everything. Yeah. We have been like healing each other and just like being able to talk about all this stuff and being

able to like open up with each other. That's really good. I mean, me, I didn't know any of that shit, like any of the details. I knew it was bad. I don't know. The extent of it. And like it was literally puzzle pieces. Like, oh, so that's what happened that day.

Like, that's why. he was acting, that's why you went to the room, that's why I was hearing those noises, that's why Donovan and me were getting treated like this. And you were, it was crazy, like, the shit she had to go through and see. And, like, he would try and do it in front of me. And I was so young. Yeah. And he was doing it for years to her, years of him just, like, this is a grown.

Like, he was 27 when he got arrested. What? To an eight-year-old? Like, and it was hard, like, coming around to. his wife's, my stepmom's side of the family and like even my boyfriend and like them having to kind of understand, well, why wouldn't you tell anybody? Like why wouldn't, I tried a few times. But when you don't, when you're not ready to hear something like that. And I'm not here to blow up anybody's world. Like they had a house together. And you went through your own stuff too. Right. Like I'm just trying to,

uh, don't get me wrong. I get it. It's dark. It's hard. And like, I wish I could just sit here and like open up all of this to her in the beginning of me first meeting her. But like, there were a few times where I'll never forget, I tried telling her she shut it down. She was like, no, that's my husband. And she even tells me today. She's like, I remember that. Like, I was not about to hear it. I had to hear it when I was ready. And I even tried telling her parents at one point. And they were all so close with him. I remember her dad saying, I don't even care what he did. He's a different man now. That shut me down. Like, wow okay wow and it's just me like it's not like i have my sister right be like hey yeah these are

the details listen because when you hear it from my sister's mouth it's crazy like absolutely crazy and she's doing okay now dude she's just like i said she with how young she had kids she has an amazing career good she's killing it me and her super tight we talk i think we just needed to grow up like at that age and what we were going through yeah for sure there was no way we were going to be close that young. And now that we're both adults and I'm doing my thing, I think we're both able to just be there for each other. And her also, she held accountable, held herself accountable for not being there for me for a lot of things. And I also had to hold myself accountable because I blamed her for a lot of things. And I didn't want to get close. And

the end of the day, like, my, my boyfriend has helped me a lot with, like, empathy. And he always says, I was going to say, like, softening. He has. And he has. And, And he's been through it too. He's in the Coast Guard, like, doing the most. And that's a whole, he's done his thing with that. So he's super structured, like, and he's always telling me, you know, we're all just human experiencing life for the first time, all of us. So just like, you know, give yourself and everybody else around you, like, some peace, you know.

And that's really helped me a lot, to be honest, just understanding. I mean, even with my aunt and my uncle, I was so angry with them for years and, like, didn't want, like, you guys are just going to see me as how I was in high school and yada yada, and now we're cool. Like, we have a good relationship. They're so proud of me. Like, nobody would have even thought I would think about the military or even doing anything like that. And I passed everything. Like, literally all I have to do now is just get to big here. November, you go. November 18. And I'll be gone. And then how long are you there? Eight weeks. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, it's like you're able to just open these new doors and

experiences for yourself and it's only going to teach you more about who you are. And it's only going to help you build, you know, your different, like you said, your character development. Yeah. And I think also, you know, I just hurt people, hurt people. And I was so traumatized. And I just like, you were angry. I was so angry. And I heard a lot of people along the way. People hurt me along the way. I mean, I just, you know, that's why I think it's important to talk about. And like, That's why I wanted to do this as well because, like, you can get where you need to go and where you need to be and thrive. But, like, hold yourself accountable to what you did to get there. Yeah.

You know, like, even with my ex-relationship, even with, like, my past friendships, me and Gabby, I mean, she still sees me as that little delinquent girl. We're not very close anymore. Just because I'm super structured now. I don't do the whole. it was hard because I was really excited to tell them about the Coast Guard, and I got a response just talking about my ex, and I don't really, this is the first time I've talked about him in like two years. So it's hard because I think sometimes her mindset is still there, and I'm just completely And that might change too down the road. Right. You know, it's like everybody's path is so different,

and I'm sure they're surprised how quick you kind of turned everything around. Because it is quick, you know, and it's amazing. Because like I said, really not every other. everybody can do that. But I also feel like by you speaking publicly about your story, your experience, your trauma, it allows you to almost close a door. Yes. And go on to the next chapter. And that's not to say that you won't continue to heal from it and have things that might come up or whatever. But like, I think that it takes a different type of, you know, self-empowerment to be able to speak out publicly about anything like that that you've been through. Yeah. And that's exactly what I wanted to do. I just, And I think I, with a lot of people who knew me in Russellville, with a lot in high school, and with even my family, even my and my uncle, I mean, anyone that I came across, I think just didn't really fully understand what was going on. And I just wanted to put my story out there because I, like, I was just a little girl going through all this stuff. Like, I was a teenager being a delinquent. As much as I hurt people, I like, there's no excuse, but there's also understanding. And we're all.

human, right? Yeah, and it goes to show, like, you really never know what somebody's going through or has been through. Yeah. And like you said, or I think it was, you said, your boyfriend said it, just give people some grace. It's like, you know, we're only responsible for ourselves. Yeah.

If we need distance from people, if people aren't for us, back away. Right. But we just, you really never know. Yeah. And some paths are different from others. And that's something I'm, you know, not everybody's going to want to hop on this train and sober up and go and do this. But if and when they decide to, then they'll know who they can't just knowing how much I can sink back into it.

Absolutely. Yeah, you have to do it for yourself. And I think, too, it's interesting how different. Just like I was saying too, like how things changed. Like Gabby was there for you when you needed it. And maybe right now your paths aren't aligning. But there might be a day that she, you know, that. A thousand percent.

Rules reverse or, you know, you guys are at the same place. You're able to reconnect. And you never, life does weird things. You know, but like I said, really, I think it's something to be very proud of to be your age and still so young, but able to really grasp everything in the way that you have. I'm trying. You should be proud of yourself. And it's no small thing to be able to talk about it publicly.

And to somebody you don't know. Yeah. You know? I just think it's important, though, too. It is. All the generational differences. Yeah. I mean, even, I mean, my dad's ex-wife, my stepmom, she's 30-something.

in, she's like, has opened up her mind so much to all of this. And thank God, you know, and you don't, because look at what she's seen. Look at what I've seen my and my uncle. If you just, I mean, open up your heart, open up your mind, see what people have gone through, see the effect of things. It's just saying I'm sorry. Like, yeah, I know me, like, I know me saying I'm sorry has helped me just hold myself accountable and people, my mom saying she's sorry, my sister saying she's sorry. Like, I just think it's important. And I think, it also shapes us to who we are. And that was a big part of why I wanted to come do this, because all of this has shaped me to be where I'm at and motivates me. And when I'm in the

gym, and I'm thinking of little Maddie and thinking of all the people I fucked up or got fucked over by, it's all just like just helps me to maintain a better life because I feel like I'm doing myself a service and everyone else.