We're All Insane - My Dad was Killed by the Cartel

Episode Date: May 4, 2025

#podcast #loss #trauma #awareness Rosa opens up about the tragic loss of her father, who was murdered by the cartel. She shares her story in hope to bring awareness to the brutal realities of cartel killings and give strength to others going through similar pain. Rosa's Links: https://www.redribbon.org Topics: Family Loss, Cartel Violence, Grief Journey, Family Dynamics, Deportation If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] The stories shared on this podcast are based on real-life experiences told from the personal perspectives of the guests. Some episodes may contain descriptions of trauma, abuse, or other sensitive subject matter that may be triggering to some listeners. Listener discretion is strongly advised. The views and opinions expressed by guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of the podcast host or production team. While every effort is made to present stories truthfully, the podcast cannot verify all claims made by guests. Any accusations or depictions of individuals are based on personal recollections and are not intended to defame, harm, or misrepresent any person, living or deceased. This podcast is intended for informational and storytelling purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional mental health support or legal advice. If you or someone you know is struggling, we encourage you to seek help from a qualified professional. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me DeVora. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. So my name is Rosa. I live in a very small town in the south. I grew up. I'm the only child. I grew up with my mom. My parents, my dad and my mom were, I guess you could say, not the ideal couple to have children, I guess. Were they young? No, they weren't young. My dad, he was just very, he wasn't a great person, I should say. So my dad was an illegal immigrant who crossed over from Mexico and he came over.

I don't know how, I don't know exactly how old he was, but he came over. Him and my mom met, and then that was just kind of it. Like, there was no relationship or anything like that. Well, then a few years later, they met again. And then that's when their relationship started from there. So they met, I think, back in 1999, if I'm not mistaken. And then probably a month into the relationship, my mom figured out that she was pregnant with me. And so it was kind of like, okay, Neil, like, what? And then from there, she had me,

and it was kind of, they got married in between. I don't know if they got married before I was born or after I was born. I think it was before, but I could be wrong. I don't know. So they got married. They were together. My dad was a very abusive man, mentally, physically, emotionally. all of the above. To you and your mom or just to your mom? To my mom. To my mom. And so from there, they got a divorce when I was five, I think.

That's when they split when I was five. And he was still in my life. He was a good dad to me. He was never abusive towards me. He was never mean to me. He adored me. I was literally like the sunshine walking in his life at the time. And I have an older brother who also lives in Mexico.

Well, now he lives in Canada, but he used to live in Mexico. He was born and raised in Mexico. And he's 23, and I'm 20. So he's three years older than me. So after my parents got a divorce, my dad, well, he was in and out of my life. Okay. He was never, it was never like a consistent amount of time that he was like in it because he was in and out of jail all the time. My dad was always in and out of jail for drugs.

And I believe before I was born, he went to jail for attempted murder. My mom and my dad were at a bar one night, and they got, like, he got into a fight with this guy and, like, stabbed him, like, multiple times. And so he went to jail for attempted murder. And I still have the, like, article paper from when he went to jail. And it's so crazy to, like, look back. and read. And how long was he in jail that time? I want to say a few years, probably like two years, if I'm not mistaken. It was a long time ago. So things have changed a lot. And I don't know, like repercussions, I guess, were just not as harsh, which I mean, they should have been from the

start. And then, so when he married your mom, did he become a citizen? Is that how that works? No, my dad stayed illegal. Okay. So when he went to jail for that, attempted murder. Yeah. Was that like an issue with that? Mm-mm. No. He never, he didn't, he eventually gets deported, but he did not get deported because of this.

Got it. So, um, I don't, I mean, granted laws were a lot different. They really didn't care back then as much as they do now. So I want to say that's why he didn't get deported, but I could be so wrong. Okay. Don't quote me on that. So he went to jail for all that. He's in and out of my life.

When my parents were together, and this was before their divorce, and I believe possibly before the marriage, but I know for a fact it was before the divorce. My father became intertwined with this one girl. We'll call her Rachel. So Rachel is a very bad person, and she has a daughter, and we'll call her Eloise. And Eloise is not a good person either. So my dad cheated on my mom with Rachel and my mom figured it all out and, you know, my mom just being young and dumb, kept going back. She didn't care. It became a very toxic thing.

And my mom didn't like Rachel. Rachel didn't like my mom. Like when my mom figured out that like, I guess this was her last straw that when he was like cheating, she packed up because Rachel would buy all of these like clothes and shoes for me. dad and giving him all this and he would bring it back to my mom's house and my mom's like what the hell like what is your problem like what the fuck but she kept on there like whatever so when i guess my mom's last straw with the whole cheating situation was when she figured out that like he made an entire schedule so he was going to be with my mom these many days and he was going to be with rachel this many days and my mom was like you have lost your rat ass mind this is not how

we're going to do this. So she took all of his clothes and she packed him all up in a bag and she donated them to Goodwill. Stop. And then she took all of his shoes and she cut all the tongues out and poured like mustard and like all kinds of condiments in him and took him to him. And was like, here you go. You enjoy this.

Like here's all your stuff bag. But all your clothes are at the Goodwill. So he was without nothing. And now he has to live with Rachel. And yeah. So you don't have to make a schedule anymore. Yeah. So that was like my mom's last straw.

Okay. And so then from there, it kind of became like this. It was never in like the courts to be like a split custody type situation, but it was never like a 50-50. My mom always had me. I really just seen my dad when I wanted to when my dad made the time for me. Like it was never like a set schedule of when he was going to see me. I was just going to be lucky if I got to see me. when I wanted to.

So when I did, I would obviously go over to Rachel's house and I would, you know, hang out with Eloise. And I remember Eloise would, they had a basement. And Eloise would take me down there and we'd go down there and play with our baby dolls. And she was quite older than me. So she was probably at least a good three, four years older than me. And we'd go down there, she would play with my baby dolls, she'd play with her baby dolls, whatever. But she would also, her mom, Rachel, was a cigarette smoker.

And so she would, and she would smoking the cigarettes too. And I was, you know, six, seven years old, not even. Like, what is this? And, you know, she would get me to smoke cigarettes with her down in the basement. And then from there, it was like, she became my abuser, essentially. Like, she was the first person to ever teach me about abuse and what it was like to be abuse. used by somebody else. And she would take her cigarettes.

Like if I didn't smoke the cigarettes with her, she would smoke her cigarettes. And when she was done, she would put them out on my skin. Like, she would burn them on me. And that's how she would, like, burn her cigarettes out. And she would put them in places where my mom couldn't see. I was old enough to give myself a bath and dress myself. So, like, my mom wasn't really, like, examining my body in such ways. and she would put them out like on my shoulders.

She did them on my back. Like it was in places my mom couldn't see. Did she ever say anything to you? Like don't tell your mom or don't tell your dad or. Oh yeah. Okay. And it was more so of like if I didn't want to get burned, I had to smoke the cigarette too. So I was like essentially forced to smoke these cigarettes with her.

And so I didn't want to be burned every time that I seen her. And so I smoked the cigarettes with her. And, you know, I was, I was introduced to an addiction and abuse at a very young age by somebody who was not crazy older than me, but old enough to know right from wrong from the age that I was. And so she would put these cigarettes out on me. And then eventually my mom did see them. She saw one on my back and asked me about it. And I kind of told her about it.

And then it was addressed to my dad, I believe. And from there, I didn't really go into the... the basement anymore. We weren't allowed down there. We had to be like in the living room. She had to watch, like, Rachel had to watch us play. Like my dad had to keep eyes on us. So when everything was like figured out about that, like when everybody found out about that, there were like repercussions put in place, but I feel like there should have been a lot more, I think, especially given I was so young and I was being introduced to crazy things and literally being burned. Right. As a child, So I don't know.

Well, then from that point on, me and my dad and Rachel, we would go out and we would, you know, go eat and whatnot. And this was the start to me not seeing my dad anymore. So me, Rachel, and my dad, one day we all went to a Mexican store. And typically in a Mexican store, there's also like a Mexican restaurant attached to it, like really authentic Mexican. food, like, it's not like a Mexican restaurant where you're going to go in and get, you know, chicken cheese and rice. You're going to go in and you're going to get like tacos that are like authentically made. So we went into the Mexican store. We were eating. We ate tacos, I remember, and we were going to check out. Well, in the Mexican stores, typically there's little four packs

of gum and there's green, white, and pink. And they're literally the tiniest packs of gum that you can think of. And I've always been a bigger girl. Even when I was little, I was, you know, a heavier girl. I had the baby weight, had the baby chunk to me all the time. So I asked my dad and Rachel if I could get one of these packs of gum. And she said, no, you fat ass, you cannot get this pack of gum. So I was like, okay, which I mean, that hurt my feelings. I didn't cry. I didn't do anything. I just kind of said, Okay. So then they were taking me back to my mom. They took me back to my mom's house and probably two days go by. And the neighborhood that I lived in, I lived on the house, I lived on the corner. So I was the first house. And then everybody else down the street, we were all best friends. I mean,

we all grew up together. Everybody knew everybody. Like my dad and some of their dads were friends. We all went to these cookouts together. Like, it was just a whole neighborhood thing. We all grew up with one another. even our parents grew up with one another. So we're playing outside and my house was like on the heel. So there's my house and there was this big heel and then kind of diagonal from me was one of my friend's house and then it was her grandpa's house. So we were riding our bikes and I was talking to her and I was like, yeah, like you'll never believe like what Rachel told me yesterday. And she was like, what? And I was like, she called me a fat ass. Like I don't know if I should tell my. mom or not? And she was like, no, you need to go tell your mom. Like, you need to say something to her.

So I did. That's when I went and told my mom about what she had said. And I mean, it was over. Like, it was game over. My mom was not having it at all. She was not happy. So she had a few words with everybody. She probably not any good words with everybody. And then she, from there, I didn't really see my dad much. I just kind of knew what she told me was very bad. And that was kind of it from that point. So I would say my dad officially kind of like not left my life, but kind of was just like out of my life from probably like the age of like six. So that was probably when I was like six years old. Okay. So that was kind of like my childhood growing up with my dad. And there's great memories of me and my dad in my childhood.

I mean, from birthday parties just hanging out, like we had great memories together, but, you know, we had the few bad that I do correlate with my father. And, you know, as a child, I didn't know that my dad was kind of a bad person. I didn't know, like, everything that he had done in his life until, you know, as I get older. So I guess you could say when I was seven is when my dad got deported. I think he was deported. He was sent to jail to serve out, I believe it was like a 12-year sentence for drugs, if I'm not mistaken. And they didn't want him here. They didn't want to keep him here. So they sent him back to Mexico where he was from to serve out his time. Well, he ends up getting out of prison in Mexico from there. And he has two more children. Well, he meets a girl. He has two more children. They get married. married. And the children are twins. So my twin sisters, they're probably around, I want to say eight or nine now. Okay. Today. They're like eight or nine. And they're probably a year old,

maybe not even a year old. He goes back to prison for attempted murder. He, so we're looking at two attempted murder counts now on him. And he tried to kill a semi-truck driver for dog food. And this is kind of where we think, and I think personally, when the cartel becomes involved, I think, and I'm not 100% sure on this, but I do believe that my dad did that for the cartel. Yeah. Because the cartel, I mean, you'll learn that, like, they'll send you on some crazy quest. Right. It's almost like an initiation, right? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. It just doesn't make sense of why it's so extreme. Yeah. And it's like dog food. You don't own a dog. Like, it still doesn't make any sense. And there's not much details on that that I specifically know.

I just know that he went to jail for attempted murder. And he tried to kill a semi-truck driver. I was carrying dog food. Okay. So that's kind of all that I know about that. But I do know that he was in prison for a long time. So he probably went to prison, like prison in Mexico when I was probably 10, 9 or 10.

If I were to guess, 9 or 10. And at this point, the Rachel chick is no longer involved. No, she has exited my life, his life. Well, not his life. He's still in community. Maybe making new schedules. Yes. He's still in, you know, cahoots with her and he's still talking to her.

Okay. But other than me and my mom, no, me and my mom were from when he, when my mom and Rachel had those words from that point on. My dad, I mean, he wasn't really in my life nor my mom's life. So my mom and me are like building this new life together. She, um, my mom ended up getting married to an Indian, like probably a few years after that. And they were only married for like four years. But anyways.

So she, so my dad's in prison and he's, you know, whatever. He, I mean, he'll kind of contact. me here and there while he's in prison, but nothing crazy. And I remember I was in seventh grade and I kind of told my mom, I was like, I kind of want to like reach out to my dad. Let me backtrack. When I was in fifth grade, I remember one day I got off the bus and my mom was sitting in the living room and I walk in and she had told me that she was on the phone with my dad. And I was like, are you on the phone with him? I don't want to talk to him. Get him off the phone. Like I didn't want anything to do with him because in my mind you know you have abandoned me you've caused me all this

trauma you know and I'm only how old are you in fifth grade like 12 yeah you're young yeah and I'm like you've already caused me all this trauma I'm 12 years old like leave me alone I don't want anything to do with you so I'm in seventh grade and my mom's on the phone with him and I'm like get out of here whatever I don't want to talk to you that was my last time talking to my dad for years so I'm in seventh grade and I'm like, you know what? I kind of want to reach out to my dad. I kind of want to see what's going on. I want to see if I can handle this mentally. I want to see, you know, if maybe he even remembers me. Hell, I don't know. So I get in contact with his wife in Mexico. And I tell her, hey, like, let him know that I want to speak to him. And here's my number.

He can reach me at any time, any day. And I'll answer. I want to say, I want to say, say probably like a week later, maybe even a few days later, he reaches out to me. And I answer it and we're having a conversation and, you know, we're about to end the phone call. And I just remember I'm sitting outside and I'm hysterically crying about to end this phone call. And I'm like, I don't, like, I don't want to get off the phone, but I also want to hang up so bad. And we end the phone call and I remember I was sitting in the backseat of my mom's car with my legs out and I was just looking and I was like, I don't like this feeling at all. Like I did not like that feeling at all. I did not like the fact that I was just like hysterically crying talking to my father.

And it was just not a good feeling. And I was like, this is the last. And I remember like I went inside. I told my mom what all had happened and the fact that I just like, this was the last time that. I'm ever talking to him. I didn't talk to him at all from that point on until, I mean, he died in 2022. So I didn't talk to him. That was my last conversation with my dad that I ever got.

So why do you think that was? Like, why do you think you had those feelings? Just like because he was so back and forth in your like, yeah. I think so. And it was just kind of like, I don't know. Like, I didn't. I mean, he was back and forth. forth in my life. And it was like I was trying to start something that I didn't know that it was

like if it was going to last or if it was only going to be for a little bit. And I think it just became like over the phone. It became very clear that like you really haven't changed. You still, I mean, you still are talking the way they used to talk to me like about, oh, I'm going to do this. I'm going to better myself. And I mean, you're sitting in prison. I'm for attempted murder. You're not changing a lot. I mean, if things were going to change, you would have changed a long time ago. And there was no change. And I could just tell.

And I think it was just a very. It was heartbreaking, I'm sure. Yeah. And it was disappointing in a sense that, like, there was nothing that I could do from there. Yeah. And so from that point, so that was in seventh grade, I didn't have a conversation with him again. Now, let's talk about. kind of from seventh grade on.

So my mom, like I had mentioned previously, my mom got into a marriage with an Indian, and then they ended up getting a divorce like four years later. Well, that was my, they got a divorce in my fourth grade year. So that was, I mean, quite some time. And then from my fifth grade year until my senior year of high school, my mom and my stepdad. I call him dad now because, I mean, and I live with him.

They were married. Well, they weren't married. They were just together. They were together from my fifth grade year until my senior year of high school. And then they split up afterwards. We live on a farm. And we created a great life. My mom definitely and my stepdad created a great life for me from that point when I wasn't like

super, super, super rich, but I wasn't like super, super poor. I lived very comfortably. My parent, they got along. My parents got along very well. They, I mean, we did. And in a sense, it was almost kind of like a picture perfect family. We ate dinner at the table every night. I mean, my parents watched the nightly news with Lester Hull every night. Like, it was, it was a great life that I lived. And so my dad ends up getting out, my real dad, he ends up getting out of prison. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast. Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless.

Each week, we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to True Crime News available now wherever you get your podcasts. my junior year, sometime in between my junior year of high school. And I'm terrified. I just remember my mom telling me like your dad just got out of prison and he's trying to contact you. And I was like, mm-mm. And why do you think you felt scared? Because I had created, me and my mom both. Like I said, my mom was mentally physically, all of the above abused. And me and my mom had created. a beautiful life.

So it was more to like a fear of that getting disrupted. Yes. And I had this like fear of just kind of like he was going to come back and just like ruin my entire life. He was going to take everything that I've ever known away from me. Like, so I wanted nothing to do with him. I had all of the fear in the world. And

when somebody, and the best way I can describe the way that I felt in that moment is just like when somebody has been mentally dead to you for such a long time. And then they kind of like come back to life. It's almost like you don't know how to feel because there's so much fear and there's so many questions and there's, you have so many emotions. And like I said, they've been dead to you for such a long time that it's like, how'd you even come back to life? I thought you were, you were dead in my head. Like, you weren't here. I don't know who you are. I don't know anything about you. And,

And then all of a sudden you're like standing in front of me and you want all of this and I'm your daughter and I'm this and I'm that and you're proud of me. And it's like, hold on. You have no idea who I am and I have no idea who you are. I'm very overwhelmed right now and I want nothing to do with you. And so I made the decision of still keeping the no contact and still not wanting anything to do with my father. Quick question.

Yeah. During this time that he was in prison. Like before he got out, did you stay in contact with the twins? No. Okay. So you had no contact at all with that side at all. No. It was just your mom and your stepdad.

Yes. Okay. Yes. And I had a little bit of contact with my brother. Okay. Yeah. Not very much contact with my brother because, I mean, his in my, I guess in my opinion, in what I've seen and what I've gathered, his mom and him kind of felt the same way towards my

father as me and my mom did. It was kind of like a, you're a deadbeat. I don't want anything to do with you situation. And so I kept in little contact with my brother. I will say now we have a lot more communication, but the twins, no. I had no contact with her. I had no contact with the girls or anybody at that in Mexico. And then when my father got released from prison in Mexico, he or I made the decision to cut everybody off. So I cut off all my aunts and uncles that live in Mexico. I cut him off. Like, I cut my dad off. I cut everybody under the blue moon off. I blocked everybody on every social media. And I mean, he was, he found more and more ways to get a whole to me by the minute, it felt like. And every time I just blocked every number, I blocked every

Facebook account. I mean, I have thousands, it feels like, of numbers in my blocked settings in my phone because of how many numbers he reached out to me on. And it's just like, I wanted nothing to do with him. And he didn't really understand. And I mean, granted, I didn't kind of just be like, hey, I don't want anything to do with you. I just never answered. I never had any type of communication with him. And my mom did the same thing. She, because, I mean, During this whole process, my mom wasn't the type of mom to, like, keep me away from my father. It was more so if you want to see your father, I will let you see your father. You can go and see your father.

You can have this communication with your father. My mom never kept me away from my father. And my mom never like, she was never like a bitter baby mama, I guess you could call it. Like, she was never like that. It was always what I wanted to do, what I felt comfortable with. and when he got released, if that's what I was comfortable with, my mom was going to respect that. And she did just that. She blocked everybody that knew my dad, knew of my dad. All my family that lived in Mexico were just as equally blocked on her accounts as they were on mine.

So my mom was very supportive throughout this entire thing with the no contact with my father. And so from there, so that was my junior year of high school. And so from there, we kind of jump into my dad's death and my dad's killing. So it was August 2nd of 2022 when my father passed away. And he was brutally murdered by the cartel. So my dad was, it was in August when my dad was killed. But beforehand, like I said, he was released from prison. So he was released from prison, from serving out that time.

And then I want to say it was two months later after he was released. He was caught by the police with drugs. And then he was sent back. He only served, I think, a month, a month to two months in prison for the drugs that he was found with. And then from there, he was released again. And then like a week later, he was sent back. and he served, I think it was like two more months for the drugs. Okay.

So then that's when, and then he was released. And I believe he was kidnapped. So my dad was kidnapped, tortured, and then brutally murdered by the cartel. So my dad was kidnapped. I believe it was nine days before his death date. So August 2nd. And they took him to this big warehouse. in the middle of like nowhere.

They killed him and they, I mean, they tortured him and they killed him. And they found my dad. So my dad had let my family know in Mexico like if he was to ever go missing to never look for him. So essentially he kind of knew that he was going to die, but he just didn't know when he was going to die. So it was August 2nd of 2022. And I remember I was using the bathroom. I had just woken up. It was probably like 9 a.m.

And I'd get a text message from a family friend. And this family friend didn't really like reach out unless it had something to do with my father. The only reason why my mom and her were kind of like friends to begin with was because of my dad. So she never really reached out unless it had anything to do with my father. So I was using the bathroom and she was like, hey brat. She always called me Brat. She was like, hey, Brat, have your mom call me at this. number and I kind of just knew. I was like, and my first message that went to her was, does I have

anything to do with my real dad? And she said, no. I said, thank God, laughing my fucking ass off, but I'll let her know. That's all that I said. And then probably 20 minutes later, I got a phone call from my mom. And she was like hysterically crying. And she was like, your dad is dead. Like your dad was killed by the Mexican cartel, like all of this. And I was like, hold on, wait, what? And I remember I was walking through my living room and I was facing my hallway and I was looking right at my thermostat. And as soon as my mom said that, I remember, I just like started bawling my eyes out. And I was standing there and I was like, you're lying to me. Like, you're lying. Like, he's not dead. Like, you're lying to me. And I remember I kind of like sat down on my love seat. And then I was just

like, okay, I got to go. And I hunt. up the phone with my mom. And I was sitting there and I was like hysterically crying. And then I was like, I just needed somebody to talk to, but I didn't want to talk to my mom. And so I call my aunt. And I'm like, my dad was killed. My dad was killed by the Mexican cartel. Like my dad is dead. Like, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. And my aunt was just like, you need to calm down and you need to go outside and you need to take a walk. Like catch your breath. You just need to breathe. Like calm down. It's going to be. okay. So I go outside, I'm sitting there. And like, from the time that everybody figured out

here in the U.S. that my dad had been killed to the time that I found out, it was like a 20-minute time span. So, like, everybody's figuring out that my dad is being, or my dad was killed, and then, like, I figure out that my dad is dead. And, like, somehow in the midst of this, I was, like, the last person to figure this out. Everybody else had already known. Like, my aunts had already found out. My uncle's had already found out. My mom knew, like, I was the last person to figure this out. My brother in Mexico knew the twins. I mean, they don't know, but, like, they were told that, like, your dad's not coming back. They knew, and it was just like, oh, my God, like, hold on. Like, why is everybody keeping this? I just felt very, like, sheltered from the information that was being told at the time. At the

But it was for a good cause that nobody was kind of telling me anything until my mom told me everything. And that's like everybody's like standpoint from that was just like you needed to hear it from your mom before you heard it from us. Like we didn't want to tell you this. So I'm sitting there or I go outside after, you know, getting off the phone with my aunt and my mom comes up the driveway and she comes inside. we're, you know, hanging out talking and whatnot. And then I told my mom, I was like, I don't want to know any details unless he was like decapitated because a classic cartel killing is decapitation. Like all of like the gruesome videos and the movies and stuff like that.

It's true. Like, you know, they do decapitate people and that's usually, you know, you know that that person was killed by the cartel was from decapitation. And she was like, okay, like, that's the only thing that I'll let you know. And that's all the details that I wanted at the time. So he was decapitated? Yes. My dad was decapitated.

And so she gets on the phone with his best friend, and they're talking, and he's giving her the details that he knows and whatnot. And then she calls the wife in Mexico or the girlfriend, whatever you want to call her. in Mexico. And she tells her all these details. And she's like, there's videos of it and whatnot. And it turns out that's not true. There was no video.

There's no video of it. Well, then I'm sitting there and I'm kind of like, because my mom can speak fluently in Spanish and she understands Spanish. And I understand Spanish, but you kind of have to like be in front of me to understand it. Like, I'm not going to really understand it over the phone or anything. anything like that. But if you were to sit in front of me, I would be able to understand you. So my mom's like having all this communication with these people. And I'm kind of like picking up on what they're saying, but not really, like over the phone. And they're talking about like the videos.

And then I hear something about an arm. And I was like, an arm. Like, what do you mean? Like an arm. And so they get off the phone after all of this. And I'm like, tell me everything that they just told you, like off the bat. Like I was like, tell me everything that they just told you. I want to know more. And she was like, okay, like I'll tell you. So the story that I got from in the beginning was that he was kidnapped for nine days. And he was held in this warehouse.

And they kidnapped him. They stuck him in this warehouse. house and they killed him from there and they chopped him up. They like cut off his arms. They cut off his legs and then they decapitated him. And then they recorded the whole thing. Like every single day was recorded and all of this. And then so in that, in this, in the original story that I got, they also told or it was

also said that the only reason that they figured out that my dad was dead was because the cartel had sent over the video to the Mexican police and sent coordinates of his head. And so that's how they supposedly figured out that my dad had been killed. And that's how they found him. And some of that is true and some of it isn't. And that was the story that like I kind of told people for years almost like, because I have recently just figured out that half of that is not true. and half of it was like all a lot.

And it was just really weird because most of it came from the wife. And this is not me bashing the wife, but this is kind of like a, it was more so of like a head tilt almost. It was kind of like, why are you lying about that kind of stuff? Like, you know, it just didn't make any sense. So the true story of it all is that he was kidnapped and he suffered blows to the abdomen. and his liver filled with blood. And so he essentially died in that sense, but he didn't fully die until they decapitated him.

They did cut him up. He was found in six pieces. So both of his arms, both of his legs, his head and his head like his whole torso. So he was cut up. He was cut up into six pieces. And his head was in a cooler. And so like I said previously,

they had always, he had always towed my family in Mexico to never like look for him because it was always like, it's dangerous essentially to look for people who would work for the cartel or in the cartel. So my aunts, I guess more time had passed and one of the aunts had filed like, I guess it's called a lawsuit there to the police about him being missing and how they couldn't find him or whatever. So nothing kind of happened from there. And then all of the aunts ended up filing one. So all of his sisters ended up filing like, I guess, like a missing person, a lawsuit. And that's how they found him. So when they did get to identify him and when they did find him, he was already at the morgue. They had already collected his body pieces and they had to identify my dad from his head.

I think my dad had a tattoo on his shoulder, and I think that was another way that they identified him. But I know for a fact they identified him by his head. And he was already at the morgue. They identify him. They have this funeral. So on, so on. And then from there, it was kind of like everything happened fast. So I reach out to Rachel and I, more so Eloise.

And we're so reach out to Eloise and I'm like, hey, did you? And this is the same day. So this is the same day that I figure out everything. And so I'm, you know, talking to Eloise. And I'm like, hey, Eloise, like, did you know this? And she's like, yeah, I already knew. And I was like, oh, how did you already know? And my family in Mexico had already towed them.

And I was just like, y'all are, this is strange. Like I said, like everybody had known this before. me. Like, even Eloise and Rachel had known this. And it's just like, why does everybody know this but me? Like, I felt very secluded, like I said. And so I reach out to them and then I reach out to my brother. I talked to my brother for a few days. And then like a week later, my brother's in Canada. And I'm like, wait. And my brother and my dad share the same exact name. And from first, middle, and both last names. Like, they share the same exact name.

And they look just alike. And I'm like, oh, my God. So I asked him, I'm like, did you flee to Canada because of this? And he was like, yeah. Like, he got an emergency work visa and got to go to Canada because my dad was killed. I will say everybody else in the family stayed in Mexico. They all stayed in the same town. They all stayed in the same houses.

And they kept my dad's house. Like, my dad had a house there and they kept his house. And people still live in it. Like, my family's still living it to this day. So I'm reaching out to all these people. I start unblocking them all. And I'm like, okay, here we go. New wave of emotions are about to arise.

But this time it's coming from my dad's family. And I'm like trying to prepare myself because I just figured out that like my dad was killed. And then I'm having all these emotions because it's like, should I even be sad? Because I wasn't even close with my father. Like I wasn't even, you know, that's my dad. I have every right to feel any type of way. But at the moment, it was kind of like, do I even have a right to be this upset about this? Like, do I even have the right to be sad or to grieve my dad?

And obviously I do now, knowing this. But it was just kind of a lot at once. And I think I failed to mention this happened a week before my senior year. of high school in exactly a week. It was Wednesday, August 2nd. And I went to school that next Wednesday. I started my senior year that next Wednesday. And so I'm thinking of all of these things that is like happening. So I just figured out that my dad has been killed. I don't know how to feel about all that. Like, I don't know how to feel about this. My brother's fleeing Mexico and moving to Canada. I'm having to reach out to all of my family. I mean,

it was just this whole wave of emotion that was just very hard to juggle back and forth. And so I kind of, I'm kind of just riding with it at this point. I'm not really processing anything. I'm not, you know, accepting the fact that my father has been killed. I'm not, I'm just living life. Like, nothing happened. That was the only way that I knew what to do. And I had to start my senior year the next day, or the,

the next week. It was kind of like, okay, if I can get through this, I can get through anything else in life. And then I start my senior year. I'm still, you know, in cahoots with my family in Mexico, still talking to them, still going through these waves of emotions. And then I kind of block it all out. Everything kind of just disappears in my head. I started my senior year. It was the best year of my life. It was the most fun I've ever had in high school. And I had to go in and, you know, put on a face of like no other. And it was kind of like, it was kind of like a daydream in a sense because I was like living in my head, like in my head it was dark. But everything else was so light and bright that it was like, I'm like fake. And this is all fake to me. And,

and nothing else is going to happen until my first encounter of like not, I guess you could say like somebody being like insensitive towards me because I had talked to people about it at school and all my friends knew and whatnot and this, that and the third. So my senior year, I had this teacher who was, I had her all year long. And where I went to school at, you had had, you had, classes for 18 weeks. So for one semester, you had them for 18 weeks or whatever. But I had her all year. I had her from the start to the finish. And I had my first semester of classes. I had two classes, or I had her twice for two different classes. I had her at the beginning of the day and at the end of the day. And this happened, I want to say, my first semester. So,

I was sitting in class and it was the last class of the day that I had her and it was my last class. And I was sitting in class and my friend was sitting next to me. And then there was a girl in front of me and there was somebody over here. And then we're going to call my friend. We'll call her, I don't know, Deborah. And then we'll call the girl that's sitting in front of me. We'll call her Lacey. And then we'll call the boy that's kind of because he plays a part.

that's diagonal from me. We'll call him George. So I'm talking to Deborah. And, you know, I don't know how it got brought up, but my dad's death got brought up into it. And we were talking about it. And like I said, everything to me was fake. Nothing was real at this point. Like, I had no idea how to handle these emotions that I was going through.

And I'm a very jokester kind of. girl. So I cracked jokes about my dad's death all the time and about my dad being in and out of my life, like not even just his death, but just, you know, jokes about my dad all the time. And I think I had like said a joke. And then she had brought up the fact that my dad had been killed. And she was like, yeah, didn't he get cut up or something like that? And I kind of looked at her like, hold on, I can only say those kind of stuff. Like you have no right to say this to anybody. Well, then Lacey, the one that was sitting in front of me, she had said something else. So I had continued the conversation about my father's passing and how he had died and whatnot. And then George, on the other hand,

or diagonal for me, I had knew his mom had passed away, but I didn't know any of the details of her death. He never said any of the details of her death. But I had knew that she had passed away. Well, I'd stop talking about my father's death. And then Deborah, the one that was next to me. She had said something, again, like, she kept saying stuff about it. And I was just kind of like, I had my head down. And Lacey and George were good friends. And I guess she had noticed that he was starting to get uncomfortable by the fact that we were talking about my father's death. And so I remember the teacher, she was walking this way. And I looked at her. And she kind of like was looking at Lacey, kind of like, almost like, is everything?

okay and then I guess Lacey gave her another look back at her. Well then he had said, George had said something to Lacey that I guess insinuated that he was uncomfortable about us talking about it. Well then she, Lacey had asked us to stop talking about it. So I did. Like I said, I hadn't been talking about it. So then Debra was talked to stop talking about it for a little bit. Well, then the teacher decides to pull me and Lacey, the girl that was sitting next. or across from me. She decided to pull us into the next classroom that was beside her. And don't ask why Lacey was brought into this.

Don't ask, because I have no idea, genuinely. But she looked at me and she told me she was kind of like, you need to stop talking about your father's death because it's making everybody else around you very uncomfortable. And I kind of just like stopped for a second. And I looked at her. And I remember I just started crying. Because that was the first time somebody had ever told me to not talk about.

my father's death. And granted, yes, it was, I guess it was making George uncomfortable. And, you know, I'm sorry for that, but I personally am not in charge of anybody else's triggers. If somebody was making me uncomfortable due to the fact that they were talking about something, I would simply just remove myself. Because George was the only one that in that room that was uncomfortable by what we were talking about, number one and number two, like I said, I'm not in charge of your triggers. I don't know your triggers. I didn't know any of this. I remember I just, I looked at her and then I just started crying. And then I went back into the classroom. I got all my things and I left. I literally just exited the whole school building. I left campus. Like,

I was like, I'm not. I was like, there's no way that somebody just told me that. Like, there was, there's no way that somebody just told me to stop talking about something that I have no idea how to handle. Quite frankly, I really wasn't even. talking about it like that. I stopped talking about it before Deborah did. And more so, Debra should have been pulled to the side instead of me. And so that was the first time that somebody had ever made me feel something towards my dad's death other than the actual event, I guess you could say. Because it was the first time somebody had ever like, I guess you could say was kind of just insensitive towards me. I had from the start till even now has been nothing

but love and support from anybody who hears what had happened to my father and who hears just like a sliver of anything. So I guess that kind of started the downfall of like me going through it emotionally. And so from there, I kind of, I didn't never stop talking about my father's death, but I will say everything under the blue moon started to make me emotional about my father's death, like literally everything. So it was still my senior year of high school. And in school, we had done it my whole childhood, all of middle school, all of high school. It was called Red Ribbon.

And it was red ribbon week. And it was an entire week where we did pep rallies and we dressed up. And we just had really fun times. And it was for people to not do drugs. But, and that's what the organization is, is for, like, to stop drugs and the smuggling and the doing of drugs. So my whole school career, I mean, whatever you want to call it, I didn't know the meaning behind Red Ribbon at all. And then my senior year was the year that I learned what the cause of Red Ribbon is. and it was because of a DEA agent, he was kidnapped and tortured and then murdered by the Mexican cartel.

And recovering addicts came to the school that week and spoke to us. And I remember we were sitting in the gym for the assembly and how to use the bathroom. And me and Deborah, I don't know what it was about Deborah, but me and Deborah, we were sitting there. And we were, I was like, man, I really have to use bathroom. And she was like, me too. So we went to the bathroom and I'm sitting there and I'm using the bathroom. And I could hear it. I could hear what these speakers were talking about while I'm in the bathroom.

And they're kind of like starting to talk about the Mexican cartel. And they were like asking questions to the audience of like, do you know anything about the cartel or what the cartel does? And I'm like, why are we talking about this? Yeah. Like, I'm like, it's like a head scratch. I'm like, why are we talking about this and how ironic? Because granted, what just happened to me and what I've got, what I'm currently going through, I'm like, whoa. So I'm used in the bathroom and then a teacher walks in and she's like, you girls need to get out of here.

You need to go into this assembly. And I was like, I cannot go in there. And she was like, why? And I was like, I cannot go in there. And she was like, no, you need to go in there. And I'm not going to ask you again. And I was like, okay. I just, I didn't want to argue.

and I didn't have the time to sit there and explain to her that I'm not going in there because my dad was killed by the Mexican cartel. And for some reason, they're talking about the cartel right now. And so I go back in there and they're still asking like little random questions about the cartel. And then that's when they bring up the meaning and the mission behind Red Ribbon. And it was because of the DEA agent who was killed by the Mexican cartel. And I remember I was sitting there and I was just crying. I was bawling my eyes out. I was like, there's no way that this is happening to me right now because it felt like, like I said, everything before that teacher had said that to me was like a daydream.

I was fake. Everything was fake. I had no emotion to it. Like you blocked it out. Yeah. And then all of a sudden I was hit with like this big wave of emotion and now everything's coming back to me. And now like what are we three months later, two months later, two, three months later. No. You would also think that like if the school knew what happened to your dad that they would, before that assembly, they would like ask you if you felt comfortable to be there. Yeah. And not just through. I mean, that could be triggering for anybody. Oh, yeah.

And it was just kind of like I was so overwhelmed by, like I said, every little thing that like was brought up about it. And it was just like, oh my gosh. And then that's how I learned about, you know, red ribbon and whatnot. And then from there, it was kind of like, I'm like, I'm not okay. Like, I need to face my father's death and everything head on. And so from there became, where it became like, I guess you could say, my mission to, like, figure out ways to grieve my father. because I didn't get to say bye to my dad. I didn't have any contact with my dad at the time of his death.

And I didn't know that my dad had even, you know, I was the last person to kind of figure out that my dad had even died. And so it was like from that point on, from, you know, when the emotions came up, it was my mission to start to grieve my father and feel. figure out ways to help myself cope and grieve with my father's death instead of trying to block it out and not facing it head on and whatnot. So this was probably the middle of my senior year. It wasn't the end, but it was close to the end of my senior year. So that happened, so the

assembly happened in October, I think, yeah, because Red Ribbon Week is in October. Well, November is it's like murder victims awareness month or something like that and you can add people's names

onto like a murder like the victims list and so that was like one of my first things that I ever did to kind of like start to help myself

grieve through this was like I put my dad's name on there to celebrate or to be celebrated in the month of October where it's, or in the month of November. So it's November 21st through December 21st.

And so that was one of the things that I've done to kind of like help myself grieve through this whole process and to kind of like get through it. And then I was also in therapy. I was in therapy for, I was in fifth grade when I started therapy. And I just stopped therapy like six months ago. So I was in therapy for quite a while. But that was kind of the one thing that like really lacked in therapy was. was just like the amount of, I guess you could say, resources that therapists have on kind of grieving.

And also granted, I just went to like a regular therapist. I didn't go to like a grief counselor or anything like that. But like still, I feel like you kind of need to be a little bit educated in that area. And I do, I will say that was one thing like that was really lacked in that. in the therapy department was just like the knowledge and the comfort of grieving people. That's one thing or that was another thing that I've done to kind of help myself through all of this. And then another big thing that I will say that's kind of like helped me kind of like face this all like head on is just facing the fact that I'm going to have to talk to my family in Mexico to get the answers that I want. and to get the answers that need to be answered for me to feel somewhat okay.

Closure too. Yeah. And so in this whole process, I've learned that my dad wrote me and all my siblings' letters before he was killed. Wow. Did you read it? No, I don't have it. So I don't want them to know my address. So I'm going to have to open up a PO box and have them send the letter to the PO box.

When did you find out about this letter? Not right when he passed away, but like a few days after I figured everything out. Are you nervous at all to read it? Yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. There's sometimes where I wish I could read it right then and there, and then there's other times where I don't want it at all. And it's just, it's more so like I'm fearful of what he's going to say in the letter.

because there's not a doubt in my mind that like the letter is good and the letter is like nice. I'm just scared that he's going to say things or open up about things that I'm going to have a million other questions to. Which I feel like is definitely a possibility, but I do feel like even though you made the choice to cut him off years ago, when you're ready to read that. Because even if you had it today, you might not be ready to read it today. But I feel like when you're ready to open that door and read that, it might open a different door that would lead to more questions. But I also think it would close a door of your past. Yes.

Of like being able to kind of like accept his death and shut that door and be like, okay, that was like one portion of my like goodbye to like that. Oh yeah. Aspect of things. Do you know how long he was involved with the cartel? I want to say, probably. Probably right when he was deported back to Mexico. And then do they know why he was killed? No.

That is one question that. And I've asked everybody in Mexico of like, do you know why? But I mean, typically if the cartel is going to kill you, they're going to kill you because either you've messed with the drugs or you've messed with the money. And my dad did sell the drugs. So I don't know if he messed with the money that he had. from the drugs or if he messed with the drugs, I don't know. And I've asked if my dad was on drugs when he was killed and they've all said no. Do the police think that you guys have anything to worry about, like safety-wise?

I mean, for them, that was also a big thing. Like, for them in Mexico, more so of like, because when I figured out that there was no videos, and I figured this out by my cousin in Mexico telling me, he said that usually, if there's a video, they would already send it out to put fear into the population. Okay. And more, nine times out of ten, more times than not, the cartel is going to give that person an ultimatum. So they're going to be like, I'm going to kill you or I'm going to kill you in all your family. Yeah.

And also, I feel like if they killed him, they went directly to the store. So what would be the point? Yeah. Yeah. So it's kind of like they do have something to fear, but they don't have anything to fear at the same time because they've killed what they wanted. Like, they didn't want any of us. We didn't affect them, but he did.

And it was, you know, like I said, it was either we kill you or we killed all of your family and we make you suffer that way. And don't get me wrong. I mean, they're still coming at us as well. Like, there's still, you know, we're still suffering because my dad has, you know, been killed. So we're not all, like, I guess you could say, like not suffering, but we are. I mean, we all are suffering and we all have to live with this for the rest of our lives.

And one thing that was kind of weird that has happened to me recently and kind of did put a little fear into me by the cartel was that one day I was sitting at home or I was at my mom's house actually. And I added or I got to add on Snapchat from this like random username. name. We had no mutual friends or anything like that. And I don't know what possessed me to like add this Snapchat account back, but I did. And so I added this Snapchat account back and they texted me and they were like, hey, how are you? So I just kind of like opened it and I left it on open. And that was it. And they texted me back and they were like, why are you not fucking answering me? And I was like, whoa, I opened it and I left it alone. And then like probably a day later. So that was all in the same day. A day later, I got a message from the Snapchat account again, and it was two

different videos of people being decapitated. And I was like, oh my God, there is no way that this is happening to me right now. I did not tell a soul. I did not tell any of my friends. I didn't tell my mom. I didn't tell my stepdad. I didn't tell anybody about this. So then I'm like scared because this is the first time something like this has ever happened to me since my dad passed away. So I'm scared. I'm sitting at my mom's house. My mom works night shifts. So like I'm just sitting there by myself.

And I'm like, oh my God. Like what should I do? So like I literally just go turn off all the lights. I locked the door and I go to sleep. And then the next day I had work, I was terrified. I call into work. I'm like, I can't be there today by. And like that was it.

And then my mom comes home or it's that same day. My mom's like asking me while I called into work. And I'm like still scared. And like I said, Nobody knows about this. And I'm being rude. Like, I am being hateful. Everything that she's asking me, I'm like, can you just leave me the hell alone? I don't want anything to do with you. Like, leave me alone. Stop asking me these questions. Like, I'm just being rude and hateful. I'm being the biggest bitch known to mankind right now. And then that probably lasted a good two days. And then

finally my mom was like, why are you being so hateful? Like, there is no reason that you should be this hateful towards me. Like, what has gotten into you? Like, what's, wrong. And I finally just like broke it down to her. And she was like, yeah, let's not do that again. And then she starts asking me all these questions. And she's like, has anything else happened? Like any weird activity on any other social media? And I was like, no, literally just this. And she was like, okay, well, like, if anything else like this happens, please let me know, like, immediately. And so I don't necessarily know if that was, you know, them coming to fuck with me or if that

was just, you know, some weirdo asshole fucking with me. And was like, okay, if she's not going to answer, then, you know, I'm going to freak her the fuck out. So whoever or whatever it was, it was still probably the scariest thing that's happened to me that, like, would insinuate the cartel was like, I guess you could say, trying to fuck with me or looking for me. But other than that, I haven't had anything happened to me. And nobody in Mexico has had anything happen to them. So how does that work with like their cartel? I guess because I know that you mentioned that sometimes they will directly send videos to

the police and stuff. So they don't mind like being known? No. So Mexico is a third world country. It's a no-text country. So the police force there is nothing. It's not. It's not. Nothing like what we have here. There's no, I mean... So they just don't care. They'll just send whatever, do whatever. They have no fear. No.

Because it's either... And also, I mean, they don't care who you are or what you do or how strong you might be. But, I mean, if you try to come for them, they're going to come for you. Got it. Like, if you try to, you know, arrest them or anything like that, they're going to come for you, too. Like, you're not in the clear because of this. Like, and the cartel is probably bigger than Mexico itself. The cartel is, you know, the cart, I believe the cartel is actually better than our police force.

I mean, it's very large and there's different, you know, groups of cartels. There's different kinds of cartels. There's cartels that, you know, simply just sell drugs and smuggled drugs over into the U.S. Or there's cartels that stay in Mexico and sell drugs over there. So, no, they don't care. Okay. They know that they're a lot more powerful than we are. Got it.

I mean, what can we do, really? Right. So, yeah. Damn. So where are you now with everything? Like, do you feel like you're at a good place? Oh, yeah. For healing-wise with all of this.

Okay. I think now it's more so of like just more so in the healing process right now. I'm at the point where it's like, I'm not angry anymore. I know that I couldn't have done anything to save my dad. There was nothing that I could have done. I was just a little kid when all of this took, well, I wasn't a little kid, but I was just a kid when all of this took place. It's not my fault that my father died.

And it never will be my fault that my father died. And I think now it's more so of like trying to find a good balance between I still have every right to grieve my father no matter how long ago this took place. And that sounds so weird, but my dad died two years ago and almost three. And, you know, you get all of this information and this advice from people of like, you know, it never gets easier, this, that, and the third. And it doesn't. It really does never get easier. But for me, it was more so of like, dang, girls, it's already been three years and you're still sad. There should be no reason for that.

But, and that's, that's a me problem. And, like, it's been very difficult to find that balance of, like, it doesn't matter if this happened yesterday for it's 20 years from now. You still can feel however you want to feel about it. And now it's more so just kind of, you know, bringing awareness that's needed for cartel killings and people who experience, you know, this kind of grief. because you can go online and you can look up, you know, what are good coping mechanisms to grieve somebody who, or to grieve someone you just lost to alcoholism or, you know, to cancer or something like that. You can go online and you have a thousand resources and a thousand support groups and all this, that, and the third.

But you go online and you're like, what are some good coping mechanisms for somebody who just lost somebody to murder or just lost somebody to, you know, the cartel killings? or something like that, there's nothing. There's literally nothing there. And I think now it's more so of like a, it's like a motivational thing in a sense of like, you know, I can, I have this story. And I'm sure there's going to be a hundred different little roses out there that are going to go through this and that are going to have the same questions

and the same, you know, or the same sentences in the search bars of like how to grieve this or not how to agree with it, but, you know, just support and coping mechanisms and whatnot. And I'm sure there's going to be, like I said, a hundred other little roses like that. And I think now is just more so of just like using that as motivation and sharing my dad's story and, you know, letting others know that like, this is a rare occurrence. You don't hear about this every day. This is something in movies. But it happens. And there are people out there. And there are people who are going through that same exact thing as you and that it's going to be okay and that you're going to get through it.

And I promise just because that something so scary happened doesn't mean that the rest of the world is just as evil and doesn't mean that this is going to happen to you. Yeah. And I think too, something you mentioned that is so important is building a community around it because even though it might be a lot more rare than something like losing somebody to cancer or alcoholism, it's just as important. to have these resources and these groups of people to talk to because a lot of people don't know how to grieve. Yeah. And I think, too, you know, for you, you made the decision to cut him off at a time in your life when that was the best decision for you. And that was right. But like,

you didn't do that with the idea in mind of knowing, like, oh, I'm going to suddenly lose him to murder in X amount of years. Oh, yeah. So I think that, and you are still so young, you know? Like, we are still all just kids at the end of the day. And I feel like, you know, still being year 20, right? You know, none of us have the tools or understanding of knowing how to get through something or grief something until we are faced head on with it. And then we kind of have to navigate it ourselves. Oh, yeah. And it's not an easy thing to do. And I'm sure not only are you left with so many questions around his death and his life and everything in between, but then you're also left with there's still these unanswered questions and scenarios with the letter that he left and all this other stuff. So it's, it's a lot to have on your plate and to kind of unravel and deal with. But I think the only thing you can do is one step at a time and doing exactly what's best for you and to let yourself feel all of the emotions because there is no, you know, grief isn't linear and there is no rulebook on how long someone is going to feel something. There might be somebody that loses somebody.

and they never really feel it or let themselves feel it. And that's okay too. Everybody's going to handle things differently. But I think it is so important to bring awareness and talk about because just because something's rare doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Right. Exactly. And I think that, like I said, that's where I'm kind of at right now in life is just,

you know, bringing awareness to it and just kind of letting everybody know that like, like you said, just because it's rare doesn't mean that it doesn't happen. Yeah. And, you know, to all the little. roses that might occur or that are there now or, you know, somebody that might even be older than me, like, it is okay. You're going to get through it. It definitely is something that is very hard to process and very hard to, I guess you could say express, but you're going to get through it. And, you know, sometimes some questions are better not answered than answered.

Yeah, and I think, too, like you're a good example of why it's so important not to, carry guilt. Oh, yeah. Because I think that it can be very easy for us to be hard on ourselves. But we never know the future. We don't know what's going to happen. We have no control over other people's decisions in life. But I think that it could be very easy to look back and be like, well, I should have or I could have done this or what if. But like you said, you have, you can't hold that responsibility or put that on your plate. Oh, yeah. You know, like you made a decision years ago of what was best for you. And even if your dad was still in your life, like, that's not to say you could have changed his decisions or changed an outcome.

And everything happens for a reason. It's a cheesy line, but it's true. Oh, yeah. I think, yeah. And I think it just because, like you said, everything happens for a reason. I always like from the start of it until now, I think the biggest, like, takeaway from the whole thing is to never think that it can't happen to you. Yeah. Because it can.

And it 100% will. And that kind of like leads into like another like little. motto that I live by is to never miss your opportunity. I always say never blink too hard and never hold your breath for too long because you might open your eyes and you might let go and it will be gone. Never miss out on an opportunity. And it also kind of like goes into like with my dad. I think if my dad was still alive right now. I think my dad and my dad was given that opportunity to redo life. I think he 100% would. I think my dad, I do not believe that my dad was ready to die and I think he would redo life and I've always said it that he would and my dad was a great

person with a dysfunctional mind to put it more simple and like you said everything happens for a reason and just don't miss out on your opportunities yeah and I think too it's we can never really put ourselves in the shoes of somebody else because you know when you get involved with some serious shit like that it's not as simple as just like I think it's very very very good. easy for people to be like, oh, like, they could have just stopped or just could have gotten out of it. But like, you don't know who you're messing with. And like you said, like those kind of people and groups, they're a lot bigger than what, you know, what you think. And they're a lot more powerful. So even then, it's like you said, I think you make a good point because, yeah, he probably wasn't

ready to die. But the fact that he wrote the letters, he probably knew in the back of his head. Like, I know what I've gotten myself into and probably just like for his own piece of mind felt like. And honestly, it's, in my opinion, even though you don't know what that letter says, in a way, I think it's so nice that you have that when you're ready to open that door. Oh, yeah. Because, like, a lot of people don't get that. You know, it's almost like that last, like the last thoughts, the last words of that person. Oh, yeah. And I think another thing with that whole letter.

And I think because, like, like I said, I didn't get to say goodbye to my dad. Like, I didn't know that my dad, you know, was even dead. And I was the last person to know. And I think once I'm like ready to say goodbye, because honestly, I'm not ready to say goodbye to my dad. And I think that me reading that letter and opening that letter will be my goodbye. Yeah, my goodbye to my dad. And I think that's when I'll probably open that and read that is like when I'm like, okay, I think now is the time. Hey, you have to be ready for it.

Yeah. I think now is the time for me to say my goodbye. And I think that's an, it might be, you know, a little cheesy. but like that could be you know one of my ways of you know furthering my healing in this and me waiting and me holding on to it is not bad it's not a bad thing at all yeah you have to let everything just happen in the way that your body is telling it to oh yeah and I think that's the most important thing is is listening to yourself and not to what everybody else says like the right time is yes because everyone's different and that doesn't matter oh yeah but no I think this was so important and it does

bring a lot of awareness to multiple different aspects, you know, grief and losing somebody and then even the decision to cut somebody out of your life that wasn't supposed to be in there. You know, a lot of people, they might, they could definitely relate to that aspect, even if they didn't, even if that person is still alive, like a parent or a, could even be a friend. You know, I always say that there's so many different aspects of people's stories that listeners can relate to and be like, I know what it feels like to have to remove somebody and then to maybe feel guilty about it or to be unsure about it. on the fence about it. But I think the only thing we can do is live day by day and really trust

our gut instincts and follow through with that and what's best for us in that moment. And I mean, honestly, you did amazing. Seriously. And I'm so grateful that you wanted to share this story on here. You did such a good job. Thank you. Of course.