We're All Insane - My Mom Was My First Bully

Episode Date: December 1, 2025

Official Merch - NOW AVAILABLE!  In today’s episode, Kétlye opens up about growing up in a strict military household where being herself was never accepted. From physical punishment to being stripped of her dignity after coming out, she spent years believing she was the problem. Now, she’s sharing what really happened, what it’s taken to survive, and how she’s still trying to heal, forgive, and rebuild. This is a conversation about identity, family, shame, and what it means to keep choosing yourself— even when the people closest to you don’t. Ketlye's Links: Youtube: https://youtube.com/@cousinnchaos?si=eI8aKFJP5iUS9qT8 00:22:06 — Why do some children grow up feeling like they’re being dressed for someone else’s approval rather than their own comfort?00:22:42 — How does a parent’s idea of appearance shape a child’s self-identity long term?00:23:19 — Why are some kids restricted from certain toys or interests based on outdated gender rules?00:23:59 — What happens psychologically when a child’s harmless interests are repeatedly taken away?00:30:43 — How does fear of getting in trouble at home affect behavior at school?00:31:19 — Why do children panic when teachers threaten to contact their parents?00:31:56 — What does extreme distress in class reveal about what a child may be experiencing privately?00:32:54 — Why do small childhood mistakes sometimes trigger extreme consequences at home?00:33:50 — How do school confrontations escalate into larger issues when home life is already unstable?00:34:12 — Why do some kids confess immediately when confronted, even before being accused?00:34:35 — How do food-related punishments impact a child emotionally and physically?00:34:55 — Why do some punishments seem designed to humiliate rather than teach?00:43:53 — What leads a parent to remove a child’s ability to sleep in their own bed as discipline?00:44:33 — How do teens secretly attempt to cope with harsh living conditions at home?00:44:47 — What are the emotional effects of sleeping on the floor for long periods of time?00:45:22 — Why do certain household punishments continue for months without reconsideration?00:45:42 — How can strict household rules interfere with a teen’s educational future?00:46:01 — Why do some parents try to prevent their child from attending college out of anger or control?01:16:12 — Why do some young adults hide emotional struggles from their families after moving out?01:16:32 — What happens when someone seeks emotional comfort from a parent and receives none?01:17:02 — How does a parent’s emotional detachment affect a young adult during heartbreak?01:17:41 — Why do some people end up finding more emotional support in friends than in family?01:18:03 — How does seeing a partner’s healthy family highlight dysfunction in your own upbringing?01:20:31 — How does growing up in a strict or unstable home affect college life and independence?01:20:54 — Why can small moments of support from a parent feel overwhelmingly emotional after years of tension?01:21:20 — Why do some adults feel nervous sharing new relationships with their families?01:21:38 — What causes family reactions to shift when a child reveals romantic involvement?01:22:13 — How do unresolved family dynamics resurface during early adulthood transitions?01:45:15 — Why do some people resist therapy even when their behavior harms loved ones?01:46:26 — What does it mean when someone says “shame dies in safe spaces”?01:47:14 — How does a parent justify sleeping comfortably while enforcing harsh living conditions on their child? Topics: Family Trauma, Identity, Coming Out, Mother Wounds, Shame, Childhood Trauma If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. My name's Ketley. I'm from North Carolina. I'm 24 years old. And honestly, I'm not, not going to lie, part of me was like, when I first, I guess when we connected earlier, I think in April, part of me was like hoping that I would not, like part of me would change my mind in some way. I know what I noticed a lot, at least from some of the videos that I've seen that some people it seems that like they're kind of not past it, but almost kind of in a way. It feels

like it's like something that happened or like they've in the past, but I feel like this is still current. Yeah. And that's what's pretty, it's pretty annoying. I thought things would change. And again, that's why I pushed it out kind of in the summer. I was kind of hoping that things would like change where it's like, you know what? Actually, Deb, I don't want to come on. But, um, alas, we're here. So I'll just, really, I think the only the best way to only to tell everything is like literally just go like how I grew up and like where we're at, we're at today. So I'll just give like a little bit of foundation just like, you know, my parents, they were both in the military. My dad, he served, he was in the army for 25 years. My mom, she was in,

I want to say maybe for eight, and that's how they meant. My mom, her mom is from Haiti. She came to America, I think, to Brooklyn when she was about 16 years old. And my dad, he's from Mexico. And he came, I think he came when he was around five. And he came to California. But I guess I just talk about, like, how it was for me growing up. You know, I feel like it was kind of like not a pure militant household.

But I know, like, I was taught like respect, you know, like, yes, ma'am, no, man, yes sir, no sir. Even like my mom hated what I said yeah to her. Like sometimes she would literally, this is what she would say. She's like, if you say yeah, you might as well be saying like, yeah, bitch. I'm like I've, I've never said that to you, right? But she would take that as that. I feel like looking back, I feel like most of my life felt like a punishment in some way. The way I would certain things that I would do, like when I would get in trouble most of the time, right, it was like in school. I feel like I was always talking. That's all my teachers say. Kelly's just talking too much. She's a social butterfly. And, and.

But I was never like purely disrupting the class, but just the punishments for it were just, I felt like it was just like a little too extreme for what it was. Like when you would get home the punishment? Okay. Yeah. Like most of the times it was like, I remember I can't say like when my first memory of was like getting like beaten at home. But like I just know that most of the time when if I'm in trouble, you know, I'm going to get his banking, you know, from my mom. And just a little bit more background. When my dad, I would say most of elementary school, he was deployed.

I think he deployed kindergarten. He was gone for like first grade. And I think his, he was gone for most of third. I remember my sister. She was born. I was in the 30, like in September. And then right after she was born, she left. But like, basically it was really me and my mom growing up most of the time.

It really was just me and her. So I felt like we just kind of grew up together. But again, like the punishments were just, it was just too extreme. I feel like, something I told you, like, for example, like, and I can't tell you, like, what exactly I did to receive that punishment. But I know, like, multiple times, like, again, I would, you know, we would go in her closet. And it probably, that closet maybe would be like how long this is, maybe felt confined. But yeah, she would put on the music, again, like a Marvin Gay's got to give it up, the extended version.

That's like, I want to say at least 15 minutes, maybe 16, and she would like spank me the entire. time. And we're not talking like soft hits. I mean, like it was, it was bad. Like, I remember screaming. It felt like hours, but I mean, it was minutes, but still like 20 minutes, just nothing but like getting hit. You know, she would talk to me kind of in between like, or like yelling. She'd be yelling. I mean, I told you not to do this, you know, like just kind of berating me right there. Nothing like, she wasn't like disrespecting who I was, at least verbally, you know, but I just know what she was here. Yeah, it was just, it was just too much.

I remember just, like, screaming and, like, hoping that, like, I was, like, how do neighbors not, like, hear me screaming and stuff like that? And it was just really difficult. Again, like, I would get, it wasn't often that I was in the closet, but, you know, we were in there. And it wasn't just to, like, Marvin Gay. There was, I think there was some Beyonce song. I couldn't tell you what it was. Do you think she played the music to, like, drown you out?

I think so. Because, I mean, because, I mean, if you heard me, if anyone heard that, you know, they'd be concerned. And, you know, the house we lived in, it was in a two-story house, had like a few bedrooms. I would say, I guess, her closet was like in the back of the house, kind of. So, but also there was times where I wasn't in the closet getting beat and that was just happening. But it wasn't always just me getting speaking, getting disciplined. I think other times there were definitely different forms. Sometimes a mom would, like, make me write sentences.

I think some of them would be like, you know, I will not lie to my parents. My mom used to say, like, you, Kelly, you lie for, like, dumb shit. And I can't even like remember what I was doing. I don't remember like stealing. It might have been like, did I do a chore? Or like did I not do something? I hate that I can't remember what it was. But I just, I remember the punishment, right?

So I remember one summer I can't, I don't remember how old I was. I want to say I was definitely in elementary school. But in one summer I wrote like probably like 2,500 sentences. I think every day was just writing sentences. all day. Sometimes I would get to sit down and write the sentences, but like one time I would have to, like, I was in, like, the kitchen and I would just, you'd be like stand up with one foot, like, you know, like 90 degree angle, stand up all day and like write the sentences. There was times where I had to eat just like that, you know. Though my only breaks were like, I guess using the

bathroom, pretty much, you know, I don't, she, I never got breaks from that. Like, my, my solitude to be in the bathroom and then, you know, of course, when I go to, I tried, I would try to go to bed early, you know, oh, I'm tired. There was also times where I wasn't writing sentences. It was just, there was a corner, I remember as the corner like at the bathroom and between like near her bedroom, literally just like, I'm in a corner like that, put my head in the corner and just staying like that all day, like up all day. Like, again, my only breaks would be eating. Sometimes I would get to sit down and sometimes not. I have a couple quick questions. Yeah. One, would she ever do?

do these things, these forms of punishment when your dad was home, or was it worse when he was away? I think it was worse when he was away. I wish it was easier to remember, but I feel like a lot of the time it really wedges me and him, or excuse me and her. Yeah. You know, even if he's not deploy, you know, he's in the military, so he's gone from son up and he'll come back maybe. I think he'd come around five or six, but I still think that he was in the home, and we'll get to it later, but there was times where other things were going on and he was in the home. You know, he retired and I was in the fifth grade, so there was still, you know, there's much, much more to come. But like, yeah, it was just, it was crazy. I would, I would be able to talk

to my dad a few times. I forgot, like, the platform, but this was like, maybe once a week, it would be on Skype or we'd be, like, chatting, but I'm not talking about what's going on. I'm just like, hey, you know, I just know my dad's somewhere. Yeah. I know he's somewhere dangerous and I was going to be able to talk to him. Right. And then you said, do you have one sister? Oh, okay, so I have, I have two siblings. My sister, she's 15 now. And then I have a younger brother. He's four. He was born in in 2020. So that was new. And then I have two older brothers from my dad's previous marriage. Okay. Because I was going to ask you, was the abuse mainly focused? Is it okay to call it? Yes. Yes. Okay. I just need to make sure. Yeah. Was that mainly just done to you?

Yes. My sister, my sister, she's autistic, right? She doesn't. I wouldn't say she's like, she can be, she's really independent. She's never had like anyone one on one with her. Okay. You know, but I think, honestly, as a kid, I used to, I think part of me was kind of like, not jealous or mad, but like she, she never got anything close to what I got. And like, as I'm older now, I would, I don't want that for her. No one, no one deserves anything.

Yeah. But when you're younger, it's confusing, I feel like to understand. Like, I feel like, too, it's easy as a child to blame yourself and be like, what's wrong with me? Like, am I so bad? Yeah, 100%. And I remember my mom, she used to get mad at me just because, you know, it's so funny looking back now. She would, like, make it a point to say, like, when I would get in trouble, my mom would

hit me. I think she would hit me in front of her or at least, like, berate me in front of her, you know, if she's going off on me. But when Soli knew I was about to get in trouble, she would cry. My sister would cry. Like, and my mom would point it out. She's like, you know, your sister's like crying when you get in trouble when she sees that, but you can't.

can't like, I think she wanted me to be there for her in some type of way. And I wasn't saying like I wasn't consoling her. But like when my mom, if so, if she got in trouble, it was, again, it wasn't like crazy. But I would kind of just remove myself in that situation in a way. But even like my brother now, he's, he's four. He doesn't, nothing like that. And if I, if I saw anything like that, no. Because like I can't, I remember when my brother was born, And like I just, when I first found out my mom was pregnant, I was mad. I was really mad. And part of it was just like, looking back, I kind of wanted a way to, like, distance myself

from my family in some way. But like, you know, I can't be away from my sister for too long, right? But like, okay, here's a younger brother. I'm going to have to like be there in some way. I'm going to have to interact with my parents. I remember one of my first, like, big punishments, I think, at least like for what I did. So like what I did, right? In the first grade, my dad was gone.

And so in our classroom, we had like two desktops, right? It was kind of like a small library. People would go there to take their like AR test and then if you wanted to read. And so there was like a bookshelf and people could like lean your backs up against it and read there. And, you know, I would love to read, right? So I'd be there as a kid. And I don't know how it started. I can't remember.

But this kid, he, again, I don't, I can't remember like how it just, how he initiated. Basically, he was like, you know, if you don't like touch me or let me touch you, we, I'm going to tell your mom. I'm going to tell the teacher. And in my head, I'm like, well, my mom's already crazy, right? So I'm not going to, I'm not trying to get punished. So like that kind of went on for maybe a couple months, I think. I mean, I don't, I don't know how long that went on. I know at one point we had a new student and he was trying to like include him on that.

And I was just like, dude, if you do that, like, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, I'm, it's, I'm, it's, it's, it's, And he was telling us, like, I'm going to tell the teacher what you guys are doing. And he would like run up to the teacher. He's like, Miss so-and-so, Kelly and Kevin, and then he would run. And then, so it's just us like chasing him. And from a distance, it's just like the other kids are like, why are they chasing? So the next thing you know, the entire class is just like running after him. So no one knows what's like going on.

So of course the teacher's like, well, why are you guys like running from each other? Like, what's going on? So I guess, you know, he tells her. and then I remember my mom picked me up from school that day and I remember the teacher like told her what happened but I wasn't there like they were talking and I just covered my ears I just didn't want I didn't want to wait as my mom like hearing that

and I remember that drive home that was like a really long drive home but it was only like maybe 20 minutes and like she didn't say anything until right before we got in the neighborhood all she said was like you know when you get inside she was like when you get in the garage you need to like take your clothes off

and meet me in the closet And I don't remember if I was like fully undressed, but I know like I didn't have like any bottoms on. And I mean, she she she would me for that. And I remember thinking like that wasn't like, I didn't know what to call that. But part of me was like that's, I don't feel like I should be punished for this. I don't really know. I don't even remember having like a full conversation about it. And again, maybe we did, but I can't remember. But like I remember the bell. landed a few times on my private area. I don't remember if it was on purpose, if it was on accident,

but I know that happened. And it was just, that's like one of like the first like significant like punishments I can like remember. It was just like it just didn't feel right. So that's just one thing. And I think too, you know, it's so sad because in moments like that, that's when you should be concerned in talking to your child

about what's going on, not punishing them for it. You know what I mean? Like it's just, it's heartbreaking because I feel like it makes you, you know, in a situation like that, especially when you're so young, the best thing you can do is talk about it.

Yeah. So that you, I mean, you're still so young at that age, but so that you can somewhat understand and know what, like you're taught, what's right, what's wrong. Because when you're that age, it's just so confusing. You don't, it feels wrong, but you don't really know what to call it or what's going on. Yeah.

You know, and then I think getting punished for it, once again, it kind of goes back to what I said of just feeling like it's everything's just your fault. Exactly. And then like my mom, I'm pretty sure she gave me like a talk like that like going into elementary school, right? Like, you know, like stranger, you know, no one should be touching you here. But like as a kid, you know, they tell you about adults. They don't tell you if another kid is what to do in that situation.

I think that happens a lot more than we think and it just doesn't get talked. about. It's either like brushed under the rug or you know, some people just don't talk about it at all. Because it's just like, oh, just kids being kid. Yeah. Exactly. And I was just like I don't, I think that's still considered like molestation. Like I've, 100%. Yeah. And like I didn't. I mean, you were threatened too. Exactly. So. Yeah. And like, I didn't really talk about that. Like I went to therapy for the first time. I think like in 2022. And we we talked about it. But I really had to like accept it like, oh, that happened. And it's just like, but I also think too like, you know, what was that kid seeing, you know, for him to, because you don't just, you don't just do that. Yeah. Yeah. And I think

the, the teacher were kind of like failed in some way because no one was, there was no like investigation done. It was just like, the teacher told my mom. I know something that left out too. What's funny, right, when the teacher's like, well, we're going to tell your parents, you know. And the kid was like, my mom already knows what you ain't got to tell her. And in my head was like, man, that's a good idea, right? Just because like, I thought she would believe the lie, but like, She didn't, but I don't like, I don't remember talking to him about it afterwards. I know that we weren't, the rule was like, they don't need to interact. It was like, we were in the same class, but like they don't need to interact at all. And we didn't. Like, we didn't sit next to each other. We didn't. We didn't talk to each other. And that was pretty much just like the rule for like the rest of the school year. And I don't know like from when like it got found out and how much longer was left during the school year. But yeah, that's just like, that's just like one thing, right? Is we got, we have so much more to go, unfortunately. Yeah, I think my, I think my beatings were worse through elementary school. And again, I can't, I feel like, I feel like I was always in trouble as,

because that's why it's so hard. I can't, like, I can't remember, like, pinpoint. Yeah, like, when did, like, why did all this start happening? But I would, if I got in trouble, I feel like most of it was at school or it's, like, my chores weren't done. And, like, the, I remember the summer of going to second grade, that was when my mom introduced me, like, okay, you're going to clean the house. And I remember I was scrubbing baseboards with like a sponge, you know, in a bucket, you know, just keep out. I kept, I kept that house clean. Like I would, I would do that. I would dust the windows. I would dust the blinds, dust the fans. I'm cleaning. We had the first house we had two bathrooms. So, you know, I'm cleaning those. I'm vacuuming everywhere. Like that house was spotless, you know. Like it was, it was, it was, it was. It was, it was.

a lot. And I guess I don't know if my mom was trying to like instilling me like this is how you keep like your your area clean. I don't know if it was like some type of discipline in a way, but what's so funny now, like I don't clean how I used to 1,000. I don't do it. I don't do it like that. It made it made me like hate doing stuff like that. But I still, I clean my mess, you know. But yeah, just again, getting if something wasn't done the right. way, just do it all over again. I remember even introducing me to ironing. And there's nothing wrong with making sure you're like presented correctly, right? But like for the week, like on the weekend, I would iron on my clothes out for the week and show them to my mom. You know, if they weren't,

if something was wrinkled, do it all over again. And to me, some of the stuff looked fine. But I don't know. But, and it's hard to like, like, I don't even know if complaining about that is like, I don't know if the word's valid. I don't think it's a complaint. I think it's just like, another example of just like how things that like those are not things that should matter. You know what I mean? Especially when you're a child. Like it's one thing to teach a child something. But like you shouldn't get in trouble for anything like that.

Yeah. Yeah. So and that's a thing too. You know, I want to mention too really quick in case I forget by the end. But, you know, I feel like there are a lot of people that come on here and it's kind of this full circle healing journey. You know, where it's like they come and they tell these traumatic parts of their life, but now they're in a place where they're healed and they're doing so much better. And, you know, healing's not linear. Yeah.

And I think that there's just no right or wrong time to tell your story. Yes. You know, just because you're not, maybe you're not at the healing place that you plan to be for yourself. Yes. Eventually doesn't mean that it's the wrong time to share your story. I just wanted you to know that. Like, you know, like I think, and there's just like there's people that probably, like, like to listen to the full circle of, you know, somebody coming out on the other end of things,

there's still a lot of people that are very much still in the trauma that they're dealing with. And I think that makes you and your story so relatable as well. So I just meant to mention that to keep in mind. Thank you for saying that. Of course. Sometimes alternatives, another alternative is, you know, my mom, if she didn't want to, like, what me, you know, like I would be outside, like picking the weeds. And my dad, he had this tool where it had like spikes.

and you could like jab it in there. And then there's like a part where you press your foot. It's like metal and you like push it down. It made it picking weed so much easier. She's like, no, you don't get to use that. So like I would have to, you know, it's summertime. I'm out there. And again, I can't remember.

I wish I could like remember like what I did to like do that. But I don't think it was anything too significant. I think I can say that, especially summertime. I'm not in school. So what am I really doing to like get in trouble? Again, again, elementary school was like just a lot of, I got spring July. It just happened. And like sometimes, I think I remember one time, again, don't know what I did, but like, she hit me with the belt.

And I think the buckle, like, it flew out. And like, it hit me on the head. I remember like in that moment saying like, oh my God, like that, that hit me, right? And I know I don't, I might have been to third, fourth grade, I'm not sure. But I know enough like that. That could hurt someone. That could kill someone. I don't know.

You hit me hard enough, you know. I knew it was wrong. And she didn't care. She was like, she'd like, you think I care. I don't care that. It hits you there. And I was like, well, okay, right. I remember as a kid, my mom, like, I love wearing, you see shorts and T-shirt.

I like wearing comfortable clothes. That's all I really need. And I remember, I feel like growing up, I felt like a doll a lot. Like, I remember my mom would have me dressed up all the time, whether it's like in a dress, a skirt, some, like, really nice outfit. And I'm like, I'm not complaining. Like my mom, my parents all say this, they, they provided so much for me. I've never, I've never gone hungry.

I've never, I've never known what it's like to go without at all. I've never experienced anything like that. My parents, they, I wouldn't say they gave me everything I wanted for, but like they made sure I had good clothes, good shoes, like good everything. I was never like uncomfortable and like, in a sense like that. But like, I hated the way my mom used to dress me as a kid. Like. It wasn't you.

No, it wasn't. I would tell her that. I'm like, I'd rather just wear this. So I remember, like out in my head, I was like, why am I so dressed up on like a random Tuesday? Like, I'm just trying to, when I would go outside and play, like, I'm playing. I was playing football with the boys. Like, I was out there. Like, people would want me on their team to play with them.

I was trying to play on the kid. And the times, you know, I didn't wear stuff like that. You know, of course, I was most comfortable. But I remember it felt like my mom didn't want me to do like anything adjacent, like, with anything considered boy. Like there's been multiple occasions where like, well, I'll just say that. I remember one time my mom, I don't know if she had to go to school or work or some appointment, but she left me one of her friends and her son, right? And we went to daycare together.

We were cool. And, you know, she took us out. We played with him. We went shopping. Went to like a roses or something. And she's like, you know, pick out whatever toy you want. And I got like some type of action figure, something that was considered. like a boy toy, right? And, you know, I opened it, played with it until my mom got back.

And then once the, once she saw it, she took it. I think she made her return it or my mom threw it away. And that has happened on multiple occasions, like so many times. I remember in the second grade, you know how they do like the book fair and they'll let the kids like go through it, whatever. And my mom, she told me, she was like, you know, I will take you shopping for the book for after school. But they took us during class. And I had like, I had like some chum change in my pocket. I don't even think it was the money that she planned on using. And well, it might have been. I was able to buy like two books. I got like a book about, I think I got two books about like cars or something. And I didn't tell her about it. So I just left the books in my backpack.

And I remember waking up the next morning, I'm like, they're gone. I'm like, and it hasn't even been 24 hours. And I remember she was so mad. And she was like, no one, you get me buying this. stuff, you were supposed to go with me. And so she made me, I remember that, I think that same day, she, like, made me return those books. And I had to get, like, these two, I can't remember the name of them. But it was about this girl who, like, she was in the fourth grade. I think she just moved. And she wanted a cat so bad. It was so, so funny. But, like, this, not something I would read. It's not something that I related to either. It's just like, I don't care about this. I wasn't. Like, you couldn't have anything that you, like, you couldn't be you. You couldn't have the things

that you liked. It was like she was controlling your personality, you know, like all of that stuff. Yeah. She just hated, she hated me doing anything that wasn't feminine. Honestly, it was she, my hair, you see how it is now. My hair used to be so long, like past my bottom. Maybe I'll get to show you guys after, but like my hair was so long. And like I feel like she put a lot of value.

I feel like my femininity was tied to my hair a lot. and it's, I mean, you got hair. It's a lot to manage, you know, it's hot outside and no one's trying to do all that. And it just, like, I hated the way my hair fell on me. I remember, like, in order for my hair to, like, look good, you know, had to wet it all the way, whatever, moisturize it. And I remember just, like, being so stiff, like, walking around, going to school or wherever I was like that. I just, people loved my hair. I always got so much, so many compliments on my hair, right?

And I just, I didn't hate it. but it was just like, it didn't feel me all the way when it was out. One of my friends, I remember in the third grade, he had to move suddenly. His family was in the military. He had to go all the way, California. And I remember he gave me in like some of his other, our other friends, like, toys just to like remember him. But I think he gave me like a stormtrooper. And my mom took that.

She took it. Yeah. I'm like, my friend just gave it to me. I mean, I'm not going to see him again. So just just. Like anything that would make you happy, you were just stripped of. Pretty much. Yeah, like a, and I don't know why she wouldn't just want to, like, you know, see me just be happy, like, and thrive in the things I wanted to do.

My mom, she put me in cheerleading. She says three, but, like, that doesn't, I can't imagine just being three or three years old, you know, doing cheer, but that's what she says. So I was like three or four. And I did that for about, I want to say from, like, then I think I stopped third grade. And, you know, I hated the ritual of, like, getting ready for, like, for competitions, at least. Like they had this full glam. And I'm just like, it's terrible. It is.

I remember almost crying. Like, I hated, we had this, this, we had the way there's sparkly glitter. I just, like, hated the way it felt when you put it on. It's like, wet. And I would have to, like, I would lay down. And my mom would be, like, above me. And it wasn't like, she wasn't hurting me in this process. I just know I hated.

I think, like, I just have to hold on her and, like, just try not to cry when that was getting done. But, um, even though cheer, I mean, cheer was crazy just because, like, some of the coaches were, like, low-key. verbally abusive. My friend has to like remind me of like, like she said that they were throwing water bottles at us when we were flying. And I don't, I don't remember getting water bottles thrown at me. But I mean, they were, they were yelling at us, you know? They were, they were crazy. And I just, I wanted to play basketball. Like I, I think I just kept begging her to play. She

finally let me did it. I played my first team like in the second grade and that was fun. I was like glad she really let me. And then she let me, I think she was a cheer mom. That's what made her the decision to like let me leave because she was she got to see like behind the scenes and like how the coaches treated us and she was like okay like this is a lot I remember one time during competition like part of my routine was like to do like a double back handspring and I always nailed it but one time my hair it got in the way so like as the first flip it was just it was wrong and then I should have the coaches were mad like you should have just stopped after the first one but I'm like you know it's so routine and course I'm going to do you know it's so routine and course I'm going to

the second one, but they like, they chewed me out. And I'm like, I'm like eight years old, maybe seven. They're like, they're like cussing me out. And mom was like, okay, if you want to stop, you can stop. And I was like, yeah, let's, let's cut this. So I guess we can, we can, we can, we can get out of elementary school now. But when middle school, I had like moved to, you know, elementary school, you're with the same people, you know, all five years. And so me going to a different school, it was just kind of different. But I was like, I was learning, learning to adapt in sixth grade. I don't remember, I don't remember getting in a lot of trouble six grade. I don't remember getting, I don't know if I got any spankings then. Seventh grade, I don't, I think, I think,

because, you know, when I went to seventh grade, I had to move to a different school. And that's where I met my girlfriend. Um, but yeah, so I just knew came. You guys met in seventh grade? Well, we, we met in eighth grade, but we weren't even friends like that. And we, and we, And I will definitely touch more about it during this. But yeah, she like, we weren't cool like that in middle school. Not yet. Not yet. But I just thought like I'm coming to a new school.

So it's like I need to, my mom's, this is the chance to like re-clean slate. And one thing she brought up to, which is funny, she was like, aren't you glad that stuff that happened in first grade didn't happen like in middle school? Because more people can like talk about it or it'll be more remembered. And I'm like, I guess. It was weird that she brought that up at that time. But I was like, yeah, I guess you're right. You know, clean slate.

So I don't remember, like, getting, I did my best to not, like, get in trouble, at least like at school. And there were a few times where I was talking, well, no. No, there was one example in seventh grade, I think my English teacher. I was probably talking in class. And she's like, one thing my mom, my mom was really involved, like in school. Like, she cared. She does a lot more than some parents do these days anyway. But my day, she would tell the teachers, you know, you need to, don't hesitate to email me.

You can email me anytime. If Ketley's acting up, you know, I'll be there, whatever. And yeah, I remember just one time, like, talking the teachers up, well, she's emailing my mom in the middle of the class. I'm, like, standing at her desk. And I'm, like, I'm probably 13, maybe 12, 13. I'm, like, crying. I'm like, please don't. Like, I'm, like, begging her not to.

And I don't know, I feel like as a teacher, like, I don't know if she just saw like, okay, Kelly's just in trouble and she's like, she don't want to get in trouble. And I'm like, if someone's like that distraught at that age, yeah, like, maybe you shouldn't or maybe just just, like, that, like, that teacher never like tried to talk to me about, like, anything. I feel like if I was a teacher, I would like try to make sure the kids okay or like get a sense of what's going on. Because again, like, kids that are like acting out, there's usually a.

reason for that, right? So it's like you would want at least like, let's get to the root of the problem or what can I do to make it easier. I don't know. But I just, I didn't like the way she handled that. I think I got his banking, but I really, again, I can't remember. But I just, I, it wasn't good. I just, I don't remember feeling good. But then, um, were you going to say something? No, okay. Okay. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to a American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early at free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com.

I think like the next, like, another, like, severe punishment I remember was in eighth grade. So this is kind of how we met. Eighth grade, you know, lunch table, I would trade lunches with her and her friends sometimes. Like, it was almost every day, like, we had something to trade, right? And I remember one day, Jasmine didn't. She said she didn't. And it was just odd because I was like, we always have something. And so I remember after lunch, you know, she left her to lunchbox and like the next class that I would go into.

And so I, I don't know, I was just over there. And I saw like a big, it was like a full box of like, was it fudge, hot fudge? Like hot fudge Sunday Pop-Tarts. And they were like at least like. Those are good. It was good. Yeah, I remember I saw it. I took a pack and I gave it to like, I was like,

it was my other friends, y'all want some. Yeah. And, you know, I remember I ate that pack like as soon as we got in line to go to the next class. And then not even five minutes into like the last class today, the teacher that the class she was in, she comes and she's like, she goes open the door. She's like, who ate Jasmine's Pop-Tarts?

Who stole her pop tarts? And I'm like, oh, no. And so then, of course, I didn't say anything at the time. And then I remember basketball tryouts or like warmups, like workouts were going on. So I get, go to the gym, I change, get in the gym. And then I see like the teachers and like my coach. And they're like, what do you think we're about to ask? You know, I was like, yeah, I stole the Pop-Tarts.

Yeah, I did it. And so we were given like ISS for like a week. But my mom, you know, of course she finds that I get in trouble. And so she goes to. Walmart and gets a box of like the great value brand cinnamon flavored Pop-Tarts. And remember she was like, she sat me down at the kitchen table. She gave me like one bottle of water, the whole box. And she was like, you need to eat this the whole thing in like 30 minutes.

And like she was sitting there with the belt. And I was like, I mean, I obviously didn't like finish it in 30 minutes. But like I was getting hit during that entire time. She wasn't like, I can't, I don't remember if she like forced that in my mouth. But like, again, like you need to eat these pop tarts, you know, like it's, it's dry. It's the great value brand. It's cinnamon flavor pop tarts. You can even give me the same box, the flavor that she got.

But like, that was just rough. It was rough. Yeah. And again, I got hit during that entire time. I don't remember if I finished it, but that was just rough. And like, my dad was home. I can't. I think he was.

He might have been, I think he was upstairs, but he definitely knew what was going on. I think he did know. And I'm definitely brought it up to him, like, later. But that was like one thing. And I was like, this is like, this is kind of out of the realm of the norm, you know? And even like what I experienced growing up

is not normal at all. But I was like, why am I being forced to eat this food? And then we get to high school. I feel like high school got better. I wasn't getting in trouble as much. One thing, I'll say this. I think my mom, like, I felt like isolated a lot. She would never let me like, in the summertime,

I never saw anyone. It was just like I'm hanging out with my family. And it was just, I was lonely growing. If I wanted to be able to just hang out with like my friends and stuff, you know, I have my sister, but there is still the age gap, right? But we still, me and my sister, we had each other. but it was just, it was very, even like an elementary school, I couldn't get to hang out with anyone. So it was just like no one would know certain things that would be going on.

It just felt, felt really isolating. But high school, I did get disciplined, but it wasn't like the meetings I got as a kid. What that transitioned to, we would go in her bathroom. And again, I can't, I can't remember what I would do. I don't even remember getting in trouble at school like that because I feel like I mellowed out in high school. but, you know, she'd be like, you know, have your hands out. And she would have the belt and she would just hit them back and forth, you know, like alternating.

And like after like a few hits, I mean, it hurts. It's not, it's not like, I mean, there would be, you could see how the belt would like wrap or, you could see it wrapping around like the welts on my arms and stuff like that. And again, I don't remember how often it was, but that it happened. It 100% did happen. I think my last, like lashings of those. maybe stopped at sophomore year, I want to say. And then, yeah, I don't, yeah, yeah,

I don't think I got any more beans with the bell after that. But high school was different just because, like, I was still wrestling. Like, I think part of me knew that I was gay when I was younger. I just didn't know, like, what to call it. Yeah. And I remember, like, I remember eighth grade, I was, like, wrestling with, like, maybe leaving myself as, like, bisexual,

just, like, giving myself maybe a chance to date a man. But by time I got in high school, like I had a boyfriend eighth grade, really didn't matter. But by the time I got to high school, I was like, okay, I know that I'm gay and only like a select few friends knew about it. But I was just like, I wasn't ready to like come out. I wasn't. This is like, I'm like 24th. First of the word like 20, 15, 16, like my freshman year of high school. And then I remember my junior year of high school, I had like my first girlfriend.

And that's when everyone like knew. It wasn't like a big coming out thing, at least like friends, not my parents. But that relationship was like a secret. They didn't know about it. That wasn't really a real relationship, honestly. You know, people, it was funny. It felt like everyone was just waiting for me to say it. And they already knew.

So, you know, had that relationship junior year of high school ended that same year. And then senior year, you know, I had a girlfriend. I was considered that my first, like, serious relationship. And of course, that was, my parents didn't know. Her parents knew they were cool about it. It didn't matter to them. And, you know, I remember my girlfriend had came to the house like a few times. I think for Halloween, like her and another mutual friend of ours,

they like came to the house, like, oh, we're going to go watch TV at someone, like watch a movie. And mom was cool with that. She didn't suspect anything. But I remember. So this is what begins, like, what's, what? what's been going on like then and now. It's like more relevant, I guess. So Christmas Eve, she came over to give me my gifts.

And it was just like as a friend, you know, she came to the house. She had, we had like three things for me. And, you know, we hung out. We were in my room for a little bit. And then my mom, excuse me, she wanted, I think she was making Christmas cookies or something. And she's like, you know, you guys want to go to the store and go get this for me. She let me, she let her go with me. And we did.

And then the end of the end of the, the day kind of winds down and her parents come to pick her up. And at some point, I think I had to I had to use the bathroom. And I come back downstairs. And my mom's like, you know, do you want to go to their family Christmas party? And I was like, you don't let me go? Because I don't, again, I didn't get to do stuff like that. I was surprised you would let me. She was like, yeah, go ahead. And, you know, had a great time there, met like all her family for the first time. You know, I had a great night. And then, you know, I come. I'm back and I could tell like my mom, she just looked annoyed.

Like something, something was off. But it wasn't like, it wasn't like out the norm. I think my mom would like, her mood would be kind of fluctuate. So she was like, you know, this is just mom having attitude. I don't know, whatever. I had just had a great night. And I remember one of the gifts she gave me. She was like, just hold it. I looked, I looked too happy for her. And I could tell like, I don't know if she suspected something, but she may, I don't know if she put two and two together. But basically, you know, Christmas morning. My mom wakes me up at like 7 a.m. She's like, come downstairs.

I'm like, all right. And I see my phone on the counter and I was like, ugh. And I knew she went through my phone. There was nothing like inappropriate in there. Pictures, you could tell we were a couple, right? And we weren't even texting each other's numbers like that. Because another rule I had, right, when I had a cell phone, the rule, I was not allowed to text friends. I wasn't allowed to have any type of communication with them at all.

Oh, but I've gotten my phone taking more. multiple times because of doing that. So I had to, I would text people on Instagram. I had, I had, I had, I had, I had, I had Instagram from my parents from all of high school. I had it. And I understand, I understand the reasons of like, not wanting your kid on social media, but I had no one to talk to. If I, if I didn't talk, if I didn't do that, wouldn't have been able to talk to anyone. It really just would have been me by myself. And so, but, you know, that was deleted. She didn't see any of that. But back to the point, she had figured it out. I knew she did. She sits me down. She's like, my email, my dad's there too.

And she's like, what do you think we're about to ask you? And you can already tell she had been crying. And I was like, yeah, mom, like, I'm gay. Like, it's true. And I can't, like, remember how, like, the rest of that conversation went, just, like, disappointed in some way. But it's just, like, why, you know? And a big thing, they were so, and they use it to this day. But they were so mad that, like, they said that I betrayed them because everyone else knew.

but them. And I was like, okay. But in what world did they set up a relationship that made you feel safe enough to go to them? Exactly. And I've, and I've told them that, right? But like, it's like, you were beat over small stupid stuff. So, of course, if you came home with that, I'm sure you were terrified. Yeah. And I just, I just, that's, that's literally, I was 17. Like, I was just, I literally feared for my safety. I was like, I'm, I'm not, I didn't tell you guys out of, like protection of myself and also like that aside like when when someone's if they're not ready to talk about that they're not ready it's not like your story to share or to know and like again and I told them it was like you know I was afraid of your guys's reaction and they're like well what do you

how did you expect us to react and I'm like not me maybe yeah but I think deep down I knew that it wasn't going to like go that way but I didn't think it would go to like what to what to what I'm about tell you. So, like, the rest of that, it was so funny because right after that, like, we still open presents and, like, you know, my sister doesn't know what's going on. And, you know, my brother, brother's not here at the time, right? So it was just like, really, it was really weird Christmas. I remember we were supposed to go to, like, my uncle's house, supposed to be this big thing. And, like, this just totally ruined it. But, like, that night, she was like, she wouldn't let me sleep in my bed. She was like, you, you, you.

you're not sleeping on the bed, you're sleeping in your room on the floor. And I was like, okay, I don't know what that has to do. Me sleeping comfortably has to do with that. But I'm like, all right. The first night, I slept on the floor in my room. But then from pretty much like, right, probably a day or two after that, till March 2019, I slept on like the dining room floor. Like every night.

A few times I would like, I know I'd asked my dad. I had like, hey, could I sleep on the couch? And he was like, yeah. Or I wouldn't ask, and I would just do it. And I would wake up in time to, like, go back on the floor, like, when I knew they started getting up. But, like, I was just like. You have, like, a pillow or a blanket?

Yeah, she told me only one pillow on one blanket, but I'm like, dude, I can't do that. I would get like, and I'm using, like, the pillows, like, something like this was on the couch. I was like, I remember I would just try to get enough to, like, cushion my entire body. So maybe, like, four, maybe. I don't think she knew that. Because she never, and if she, I mean, you can, you can see, you can see me on the dining room floor walking through that house. When you come down the stairs, you take a left, there's like the kitchen and then you look and it's like the archway of the dining hall that one of the interests is in there.

So like, again, if she saw me, she did. If you didn't, she didn't pick it away, but still like, I'm on the floor. And even then it wasn't, those pillows didn't help. Like, it was like. And also like it's such a bizarre punishment. Yeah. Like, it doesn't make any sense. You know, it's cold too.

Like it's winter. another thing like of course I knew that my phone was gone she took that I was like I was still kind of like I wanted to apply to more colleges I'd only applied to one had gotten into that one and I was still like kind of debating if I wanted you know I don't also you're like 17 and you don't like know too much about the college application process not at least not as much as I do now but again like that costs money you know if you don't apply during like the free application week But like, like, I feel like they didn't want me. My mom was like, she's not going there anymore.

And my dad was going to use, like, his GI bill to pay for, like, at least like the first year. And she was like, she's not going there. She's just going to party. She's going to experiment. And I'm like, I mean, I'm going to do that anyway. Yeah. Was it a local college? No, this was a East Carolina and Green.

It's a Greenville. It's still in North Carolina, like an hour of 45. No, not far at all. Okay. So it would have given you some space, though. Yeah, for sure. And it was never, when I was talking about college, it never like mattered to them like where I went, like vicinity. So it wasn't like, if you want to stay here, go local, that's fine. But if they do what you want.

But I remember, and I wasn't part of that conversation. That's just what I heard through like a closed door. But so for the longest, like, I didn't know I was going to school. We didn't that because, you know, you get accepted and then you got to pay the acceptance fee. and that fee didn't get paid until like the last day. And I think that's like February. I think March maybe. But I think February is like the deadline sometime in there. So like for a long time I didn't know I was going to college, didn't know what I was going to do.

Again, I had played basketball all my life, you know, second grade through middle school, through high school. I took a break my junior year because I really just needed a break. But I came, I remember it took the, they had the coaches looking for me like, Kelly, you need to come back. And I did. And, you know, we had basketball workouts, like winter workouts during break, because we had like games when we came back. And I remember like, you know, it's time for like a workout. And I'm like, oh, well, I was driving a car too. They took that too. I couldn't. I couldn't, I wasn't allowed to drive the car. And I was like, well, can someone take me? And my mom was like, you're not going to the workouts. And I was like, okay. And then by time school started, she was like, you're not playing. You need to tell the coach is like, you're done. And this was all because you came out to them. And she was like, don't, she was like, don't tell a coach to call me because it's only going to make it worse.

But she was like, you need to tell them that you're not playing. And that was just like devastating because one, like, I'm not, I was not at all, like the best player on that team. I started, you know, every game. But it was like, what are we doing? Like you're taking away. Now you're affecting them, you know? And it just, it wasn't right. I remember talking to my coach and he was like, is that it?

And I was like, yeah. He was like, please let me talk to your mom. And I was like, honestly, man, I was like, I think you're going to make it worse for me. And he didn't know at the time what was going on. You know, I skipped a big thing. I just remember. Go ahead. Yeah.

And you can say, like, go back to wherever it fits in. Just say it. Okay. It'll be fine. Yeah. One time, I was 16. and my mom my mom was gone for the day

and I think she was like hanging out my grandmother doing the doing so they're gone all day my dad he was sleeping my dad my dad works hard you know he he sleeps and waking him up is kind of like

I don't want to disturb him because you know military PTSD like he he kind of wakes up fast my dad like sometimes ready to go oh yeah like sometimes he's like scared out and I don't want to do that so I saw like we had like a past of like Klondike bars in the in the freezer and there were only like two left no one had touched them

I could I could like comfortably say for like a month right and so I didn't want to wake up my dad and I'm like I'm not I wasn't trying to call my mom because she was like out you know with my grandmother busy and so I ate one and I forgot to throw the trash away and I think I left it on like my dresser she came home and she saw it she's like well what's this I'm like oh that's like ice cream trash I was like I'm sorry I forgot to throw it away and she's like well did you ask for it and I'm like no oh she so she was like you know dad's sleeping and I don't want to bother you guys and she was like so you're stealing and I was like

no I'm not stealing this is like I live here like what are you like what are you talking about and she got there was like two more left and she forced fed me like I like holding me and just shoving it basically shoving it down my mouth I don't remember I don't remember if the bell was there. It might have been, but I don't remember getting hit with it. I'm not sure. But she did that. And then she went and got a, like, not even open, like, Haggandau's, like, coffee-flavored ice cream.

And she got a spoon and she, like, forced me that to, like, threw up. And I'm, like, I'm, like, I'm, like, 16 at this point. And I mean, like, there's still, there's, I still see two stains on the wall in my bathroom to this day, you know, and that was, like, what, almost 10 years ago or something? So again, that just shows like the type of like things she would do to me. And like I remember like that happened. And then I think I told my friends about it. Like I don't know if it was like right after, but I did tell my friends about it. We were in, we were in class.

And, you know, I told my friend and she's like, she's like, that's like, that's abuse. And she like told the teacher. And I remember that this is like, this is her first year teaching too. And, you know, she told her and her face, like, went really pink. And she was just like, I was like, listen, like, don't, don't worry about it. In that moment, it looked too stressful for her. And I was like, and I think I knew then, like, you know, teachers are like mandated reporters. But I was just like, don't, don't worry about it.

Like, don't let distress you out. And looking back, I'm like, man, I wish like someone did, like, do something. But I mean in that moment once again you were just scared. Yeah 100%. It was just, again, just odd that that, why are you forced feeding me? You know, like that that was just, especially at that age. Like I was. It's just a very excessive forms of punishment for things that aren't worth punishing.

Yeah. And like if you wanted me, it's not like I was like eating like all the food in the house like taking away from them. I was never like hoarding anything. I didn't have any problems. it was just like, this is an ice cream bar that no one had touched in a while, I ate one. Yeah. And it's not like, we're not poor, you know,

like if you wanted to get something by another box. And even then, if you really wanted me to ask, you could have been like, Kelly, next time, just like, ask. Because, again, like, I wasn't, I don't even think I was, like, in trouble, like, before that. So for her just to, like, go from just coming home to, like, force feeding you ice cream is crazy. So there was no like buildup.

It was just instant. But back to senior year. So I couldn't sleep on the floor. The car. So I was in dual enrollment, like my last two years of high school. In my senior year, I didn't have those classes every day. So sometimes they had a bus that would take you to like the community college and I would take classes there. and I think like two, three days a week I didn't have classes there.

So what I would do, you know, second period's over. I'd go home. And the drive from like the school to my house is like maybe like five minutes, depending on traffic, maybe six. I'll be nice to say eight, right? But car got taken home. I'm like, you need to walk home from school. And I'm like, and like granted that, the way that school and like the way that school and like the

surrounding neighborhoods that set up. If you wanted to walk, it was somewhat safe to do it because you could like the easiest way you cut through a neighborhood. And there's like another elementary school in that neighborhood. You cut through there. You know, there's a crosswalk. And the majority of that walk was done through the neighborhood. And then I'm probably on the main road for at least five to 10 minutes maybe. And then I'd be in my neighborhood. But like, I'm walking home. You know, it was maybe like a 30, 45 minute walk. But like, I'm like 17. I'm by myself.

There was, there was a time where like one guy like slowed down. It was like, it was like, it was really weird. And I was like, no, you can't. This can't happen a day. But he like drove off. And I do remember one of my like, this girl, we weren't even like cool like that at all. Like I think we just were like mutuals. She might have done track.

But I wasn't like really, that wasn't someone I would go on my way to talk to. And I remember one time I'm walking. And I guess she was with her dad in the car. And she made him stop. She's like, hey, can you, like, give her a ride home? I don't even know if she, like, knew what was going on. But she's like, hey, can you give her a ride? And another one of my friends, you know, like, I think she could be a ride like two or three times.

She's like, hey, I'll take you home. I did track pretty much like a majority of my life. I did track through middle school, through high school. I've gone to states for one time. And, like, I didn't get to do track my last year. That was something that had taken away. I didn't get to go to prom, which is like, I don't know, it doesn't, in a grand scheme with things, it's kind of like small, but I didn't get to go to that.

My mom at one point, she told me she said, I'm not even going to your high school graduation. I was like, well, okay. At that point, I was like, man, I don't even know if I want you here anyway, you know. But, and also, from the moment once everything, like, came about, she, she wouldn't talk to me. Like, like, imagine, like, living in, being in a space with someone living in, like, no words. Like, we didn't, we didn't talk. I don't think she, like, spoke to me again maybe until March. And I say March, because that's when I got my first job.

I was like, they're like, if you get a job, you'll get your stuff back. So I was like, okay. During the break, because, you know, winter break is, like, two weeks. So I was like, I was, like, just ready to go back to school, honestly, because it was just, like, lonely. I'm literally that going through all this. And, like, no one knows. and I remember one time I remember I was telling me about how she'd make me ironed my clothes

that stopped I think that's that like that routine stopped by time I got to high school at least like I didn't have to show her if I probably still like picked out my clothes for the week and ironed them but like it wasn't like a big deal at all but then all of a sudden she was like you need to show me like show me the clothes that you're wearing

for the week you to iron them like we haven't done this in years right but I'm like, whatever. So iron the clothes, show them to her. And I bring out my jeans first. And some of my jeans have like holes in them, not like, nothing like too revealing. If anything, most of them were like below the knee. And she was like all of a sudden she was like, why do you like, I don't like your jeans? Like you need to give me all your jeans.

I have holes in them. And that was like a majority of like the good ones that like still fit that I consistently wore. And at that point, I was just so like fresh. because, again, a lot happened in those, like, short span of days over break. And, you know, I come back and I, like, just, like, kind of throw the jeans. And she's like, I don't even, like, remember, like, what she's saying? But like I said to her, I was like, I was like, what is, like, what is wrong with you? Like, why are you doing this? It was just so much for me in that moment. And it wasn't, I don't think I ever, like, questioned my mom and, like, how she disciplined me because it was like, that's going to make it worse, right? It was like, you better just, like, take it. Because, like, I would, I would never fight. my mom back whenever she would hit me any of those. I remember my friends they would tell me like, you know, I would run away. I would try to grab it. And I'm like, my mom would like, I say kill and like a figure of speech, but like as a kid, you know, to maybe think that, it's not out the realm. Maybe I don't think it'd be crazy like to think that as a kid like because my mom punished me

like that. Imagine if I like fought back, right? So I remember again, I was just so upset and I don't know how we like got to the hallway. I think she, I think she followed me into her room to like take all. She was like taking my clothes. That's what she was doing. And I don't know who put hands on each other first. I don't remember,

but like I just remember like us like kind of grappling each other. And I don't, I know my hand kind of got hurt in the process. It was like swollen for a little bit. But I don't, I don't think we like connected. We were, it was like, I think I had her against the wall.

We were kind of just, just again just grappling each other and then you know my dad came over and he did break it up but um yeah like senior year was like really bad like like like people you know your senior year of high school it's like this the last moment with like you know some of people I haven't seen in person since then you know and you know again your senior year is supposed to be like a good year of high school and it was just was so bad like like it was like everyone knew like because again like I everyone knew me playing basketball. It's like, why isn't Kelly playing basketball?

I was just kind of embarrassing like, like what's going on. Like even like some teachers knew. And I remember like I didn't want to walk home every day. And so what I would do sometimes is like stay in like a teacher's classroom until like the end of the day and then the bus I could take the bus home. But I remember they were testing. They were doing something new my senior year like testing like a like a free period. but they had like different activities you could do.

I don't even know what I chose. But I wasn't, someone noticed that I wasn't in where I was supposed to be. And so I guess they called my parents. They're like, you know, she's not here. I don't know if there was like an all call on the intercom or something, but I had to go to the guidance office. And I remember going.

She was like, we got a, she was like, she was like, we have to call your parents. I was like, no, I was like, just let me walk. I will walk home right now. Just let me walk. She's like, no, we can't. we can't let you walk like I have to call your parents and I was like just like crying her I was like I'm like please don't and again that was another opportunity to like tell someone what was going on

but I didn't I was just like you know my parents found out I was gay and like it's like it's really bad at home and she was like well no they'll come around it's going to be okay but again like I don't I don't know if she should have just asked more questions or why didn't I just I don't know why I didn't say anything That would have been like the time to say something. But it was like, even even in that moment, like why didn't I say anything as a kid? You know, like I still look back now. I'm like, I should have like told literally anybody. I think it was to some degree that's all you knew.

Yeah. Like even though you know what was wrong, that's all you knew. Yeah. I know that they called my dad just because it was easier for him to come down and get me because he lived or his work, his job was so much closer. Probably like 13, maybe 20 minutes from the school. And my mom was like in a different Like a city kind of not still not Ad Radiously far but still not as close

But she was just like you know again she was like you know your parents Your parents are gonna come around one day And I was like okay and I believe her You know she's like these are just kind of like growing pains right now you're 17 And I was like fine But I remember my dad he picked me up and he was like He was so mad at me he was like This is this is your fault like you got you

I have to come down here and get you, we told you you need to walk home, that was the rule. And I'm like, if you just give me the car, you know, let me drive home. And again, I wasn't like driving to go hang out with people. It was strictly school. My parents needed me to run like a minor air and that was it. So it wasn't like I was taking it for leisure anyway. But I'm like, if you just let this is, you guys made the decision to take the car away. So like this really isn't my phone. But I remember I got in like a lot of trouble for that. I got my phone back. Right when my first job was at KFC.

And that's when things kind of got a little bit better. You know, I figured, figured out, you know, I was still going to be able to go to school. Right before they paid the acceptance fee, I was about to enlist in the Air Force. I was like, taking two recruiter right now, I'll just do that. Sometimes I wish I did. But, you know, I wanted to go to college. I wanted, also just, part of me just needed to get away, honestly. And, you know, I don't remember when my mom.

I think she said like a few words to me after I got my job. It wasn't like consistent. I was bringing, you know, food home for us still. I don't, I guess things did kind of get better. At least like I got like needs back, right? I got some type of like dignity back. I got to sleep in my room again. But even with that too, like I wasn't allowed because my room,

excuse me, my bathroom was connected to my room. And I couldn't use that bathroom either. I had to like brush my teeth, like showers. and basically used their bathroom. I didn't get to use my bathroom again. I don't know. It was part of the same punishment. Like I didn't get to, my room, I was only,

I think I had to like change in like my closet. And that was it. Like I was, my room was just storage for my things at that point. But yeah, I had to be in the room. But I'm trying to think, what else did anything else happen? Like crazy senior year. The transition, I'll remember this.

You know, when we were supposed to do, like, you know, orientation from college, both of my parents were supposed to come with me. And it was just my dad, you know, me and him, you know, we had, we had fun, had a great time. He got me, like, a few things from my dorm. And I remember, I think we had, like, some more financial aid stuff to, like, settle in whatever it was. I was just, you know, we come back. And I'm just telling my mom, I'm catching up, like, you know, we did this. I think I might have needed something else from her. I don't know.

but she just seemed like genuinely just disinterested. I'm like, it was just, it was really, I don't know if the word, I don't even know if hateful is the right word to use, but it was just like, she wasn't interested. And I think I said again, like, what's your problem? Like, what's wrong? Maybe like, why are you acting like this? I don't know.

But then from there, she, like, she took me out. Like, a guy, I packed, like, I packed my PS4, you know, I had like a blanket, a few other things, my phone. And, well, she took, she took my main phone. I had, I had a backup phone. I had, like, old phones, my parents, like, I had previously, and, like, they didn't know I kept it. And I was able, I was able to hide it.

I was able to hide it. I had, like, a bunk bed in my room. And there was, like, a little, like, the bunk bed, the bottom one was, like, it would come out this way. And then the top one is the one that's, like, horizontal. And, like, that space I would just hide. at it. They never found it. Thank God because that would have been, that would have been my tail really bad. But so I had my backup phone. I had everything in there. And at first, like, no, you're not, you're not taking anything. But like, she walked away. And I just took my stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was just like, I walked. I don't remember. I don't, I think my dad had to go do something real quick. I don't, I don't know where he was at. But I remember I walked to one of my friend's house. I knocked on her door. She didn't answer. So then I walked to another one. So it was kind of like dad. I was. I don't know. diagonal. And, you know, I texted my girlfriend's, my girlfriend, like, off the phone, like, hey, like, can your mom, like, come get me? And she was, she was ready. And so I'm in my friend's house. She's telling what's going on. And I'm probably there for like 20, 30 minutes. And then my dad, he came over there and was looking for me. I think my friend's mom came at some point. But even then I wonder, like, you know, she didn't question too much either. It was just like, oh, Kelly's here. And I used to go there. My parents were kind of acquainted, right? But my dad, he was like, you know, was Kelly here?

And she was like, yeah. He said, Kelly, come on, let's go. And, you know, we walked back home and, like, nothing else was pretty much said of it. It was just like, okay, I'm back. But, you know, transition to college was like, it was good just because, you know, I got to get away. You know, I had a whole other community. I remember one time I went home to visit. I went to the city to visit.

I didn't go home to visit my parents. It was like, I think I was celebrating like an anniversary of my girlfriend at the time. You know, her mom, her mom would pick me up. She went to a different college too. She would drive all the way. She would go like Green. Oh, Greenboro is like more north. And then where I went, East Carolina is on the east.

So she would drive everywhere and bring us back home, right? And I remember one time, I guess I didn't realize my parents had my location until way later. I didn't know that. Yeah. And I guess my mom told me she was like, you know, you were out and someone, someone I knew saw you. And they're like, oh, Kelly's in town. And they were like, oh, we didn't know.

And they were like, they called me upset. You came home, we didn't visit. I'm like, one, I wasn't there for you. And why would I visit you? Like, we don't, like, leaving. When my parents dropped me off, I'm like moving day. Like, I remember there's still, we have pictures, right? And it just looked like, I just came across it recently,

a picture of me and my mom and just we just looked like kind of not mad at each other. It just, it was a really grim picture, right? Like, part of me was, I think I shed, I only, like, one tier came in my eye, move in day. Because, like, it was kind of sad, but I was like, you know, I'm out of here. Yeah. Right. And, you know, my mom in my mirror, she, like, she folded my clothes and all that. Like, it was, my mom, it's, it's hard.

My mom can, like, be a really, it's going to be crazy when I said that she can be, she can be a really good mom sometimes. But then, like, you see everything. else and how she like really drops the ball like really bad but it's like it's just hard because I get I get I get the love for her that I need sometimes but then it's like when you you don't like who I am as a person or for some for some reason and it's just it's really conflicting that's why I was like that move in was kind of it was a little rough but I mean that during me and that girl we were to get her for about three years and they made that relationship like really hard like you know I was driving the car I didn't bring the car with me for college right I think the first like two years

years, I would come home for breaks and still stay and work. But, you know, when she was back home to visiting, she only lived like 20 minutes for me. But they wouldn't let me drive the car. Yeah. I wasn't allowed to drive the car. I think the first like year, first year or two, they wouldn't let me drive the car. Her mom would have to come get me and bring me in. At my curf, you had to be back at the house by 12, which is like, I get it. I'm still living at home, whatever, be back by 12, but like that, that was it. Just they never, they never met her again, you know, after that. there was just no interest none whatsoever like like no that that that relationship was like really

private at least like in regards like even my mom like she didn't even want to hear like what sometimes if we went out and I try to tell her what I did today she was like well I don't want to hear it my dad on the other hand when here's what here's what's crazy my dad has a gay brother and sister and my mom she loves them both but she's more like closer like with the brother which is insane, right? Yeah. Shoot, they're cool. And, you know, what's so hard about my dad, too, it's like, you know, and he doesn't,

he doesn't care about his siblings being gay, but it's like, what's the issue with me? And, like, even then what's so weird is, and I get, we've talked more about my mom, but we haven't talked about him, but it's like, he's told me he doesn't care. But, like, if you don't care and you accept me for who I am, he's like, you know, Kelly, we would, we would meet your girlfriend, or I would, I would do this where your girlfriend, I don't care. I'm like, okay, then if you feel that way, what are you, sorry, what are you telling mom? You know, like, I feel like in a marriage and, you know, there's this issue going on with our kid. And like, if we, if we have two different ideologies, then like, how is that not, like, stopping what's going on? I don't know how it's like a cohesive, like, healthy marriage. I don't know. But it just, the dynamic just doesn't seem right when it comes to this situation. And, you know, He still has never given me like a straight answer ever. But we would, you know, I would come home visiting sometimes.

And me to him would go get like lunch, dinner, whatever, breakfast. And we would have these talks, you know. And I brought up things to him, even the stuff from first grade. And I was like, dad, and I really tried to like set it up for him. I was like, dad, like the reason why I didn't tell you guys, like, you know, I was 17 again, just protecting myself. What was I supposed to do? Like all I could think about was making sure that I was okay.

And it seemed like he understood. And I was like, dad, like, me not telling me. you guys wasn't malicious. Like, that was not what it was. Like, for those first, I want to say three years, like, after all that happened, I could, like, I did my best to, like, put myself in their shoes and, like, you know, man, like, they really felt hurt that their daughter didn't tell them this one, this, this, this thing.

And I felt like I kind of understood, okay, they're not, they want to be a part of this. And I didn't let them in. And I didn't trust them to. But again, like, I, why would I trust them? But I was really trying to like rationalize it because like even though my parents like do some really crazy things like I love my family. Like I think my parents, they don't know I'm on here. I don't know when this eventually comes out if they'll see it.

Again, this is however it happens, however it happens. But it's like I hope they know like if they do come across this and they watch, I hope they watch the whole thing is that like, like I love my family. after, and I'm not even done talking yet, you know, about everything, but like I have done, I feel like I have exasperated all my options to like make sure we have a relationship. Because like I, again, I love my parents. Even though there's so much bad, there's still a lot of good too. But it's hard to like see. I remember like one of my first early therapy sessions. My therapist, she actually, you know, name like a good memory you've had with your your mom. And like,

in that moment, I couldn't, I sat there for like 30 seconds. I was like, I can't think of one. And I remember telling my friend after about it. She was like, she brought up something that I told her. I'm like, man, I couldn't even remember that, right? And it's just like, it was just sad. Like, I really, like, I love my parents. I do even, even after all this is over, however it looks in the future, like my, my,

my parents, they, they care about me. And I see how, like, kids, like, at least like how the kids, like now and like how parents, like, aren't involved and like not the way they should be. My parents did everything to make sure I had like a good successful future. And I recognize. I think sometimes they don't like, they think I take it for granted. Like I don't. Like I know.

I know the sacrifice they had to make to like to where we are today. But like they like the thing is too is like there's this internal battle because they are your family. Yeah. And you have such a genuine soul. you know so you it's like this conflict of I love them but these things were done that I know were wrong yeah you know and like you don't I almost feel like it's harder because you don't just have this clear hate for them you know what I mean it's like I love you guys but you hurt me

yeah you know and I think too you can recognize that in some areas and aspects they did do their best and that's great and you can be thankful for that but then there's also these areas that we're not okay. You know, and no child deserves that. And just because you do good things, it doesn't balance out the bad. No, it does. And you're right. It's like, I think these last few weeks, this, since we connected, you know, I reached out to you.

Like, it's been, it's been such, like, a tumultuous summer. But, like, again, like, going back, they made that relationship just hard. And, like, I remember, you know, we, we broke up. And I was able to kind of tell my dad. dad, you know, talked about it, but it just, there's nothing like talking to your mom about some things, right? Like, it's different when you talk to your mom about things. No, we, there's only, I wouldn't get too personal with her, like, about certain things. You know, I told her when I would go about, what I'd be doing it? You know, one time I had to, well, I say it, we had to, we had to, like,

we were in the stadium, we had to, like, run from the cops one time. You know, I told her that. You know, a little silly story, right? And I was able to, like, comfortable and tell her that, you know, nothing crazy happened. We didn't get in trouble, I promise. But like, you know, we broke up. And I remember that was like, that summer we broke up was also kind of like the first year I had. I had, that was my first like school year of like I lived on campus. I had an apartment, right?

And so I was like, I can't, I knew I couldn't go and like deal with the breakup at home. Especially like, because I, for a month, I gave myself a month to like find a job. And if I couldn't, I was going to go back to my home job back with my parents. And I remember coming home one time. And I told my mom, I was like, you know, things have just been like crazy. And like, you know, me and her, you know, we broke up. You know, I mean, it was like a three relationship. You know, I took it seriously.

And it meant a lot. And like, you know, that was a moment you needed like community or something, right? And she, to my face, she was like, you know, she's like, I don't care. And I was like, oh, like I was like low-key crying in front of her. And I was like, you know, and actually, you're right. Because why am I about to tell you? Like, you don't care at all. And, you know, I dealt, that was a pretty tough year.

I dealt with that. I had my friends, you know, I had my community, but, like, I dealt with all that on my own. I feel like in a moment like that you would, like need your parents for like. Well, I think, too, you know, everybody wants their blood to be their biggest support. Yes. And I think that there's, you know, in therapy, I've even been talking. that, you know, sometimes people's families, they don't act like family. Yeah.

And it's okay to realize that sometimes your family isn't going to be your real family. You know, it's going to be your friends. It's going to be people you meet throughout life. But that being said, that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when your family doesn't act the way you wish they would. Exactly. Yeah, it was kind of hard to see. Like, I saw, like, my exes family.

like you could see them have like a normal family dynamic and like you see how easy it is and it's like that's how in your head that's what you think it's supposed to be and it's just like when you don't see that and you see how hard they make it it was just it was really just interesting to see the parallels like between us too um sucks yeah it really does um but you know the I would say those two I was single for like two years and I would say that that was like I felt like we were really like preparing our relationship. I feel like I'd gotten closer with my mom. It was really good. I remember my senior year of college. My mom, my grandmother and my sister had came to visit me in January. They have never, I think my family visited me one time in college.

And it was like maybe like in November of my first semester or in the spring. But they came and visit me, but that was it. And it was just like a big deal. You know, my mom, she got a hotel. and, you know, I showed, and my grandmother had never, like, given her, like, a true tour of my campus. Like, you know, this has been my life for the past, like, five years. And, you know, I had a great day. We went out, got some food. And I remember, I mean, college is rough, you know. I, you know, I was paying my own rent.

My parents, they didn't help, they helped me, they helped me pay rent, like, twice, at least, like, the full coverage for, like, my first apartment. And then once I got the new one, you know, prices went up. I was like, guys, listen, I can't, if you want me to focus on school, but I also pay for most of my things, like I can't do it all? I was like, I asked me, can you guys pay half my rent? And that was our, that was our deal. I think I paid the full bill myself a few times that year. But it was like, remember my mom was there.

And, you know, when I bought groceries for myself in college, it wasn't like a haul. You know, it was just, it was just what I needed. It was rough. It definitely, you know, I didn't have, I wasn't like, I had food security growing up. I wasn't saying college was like terrible. You know, I was able to eat. But like, you know, one of my buddies was in ROTC. And, you know, for a few days, she gave me MREs.

And I was eating. That was what I was eating. So, you know, I wasn't telling my parents what I was going through because it didn't. I also kind of didn't want their help because it was like, I don't want help. I don't want to feel like more in debt to you and hold something over me. So like a lot of this stuff. if they didn't like know what I was going through. But you know, I made it out and it's fine.

I know I'm not the only one who's had to struggle like that through college. But I remember my mom, we went to Walmart and she probably got me like almost $300 with the groceries. And I'm like hugging her like crying. I'm just like, you know, thank you. I'm just happy that you're here. We had like, that was a really good time. And you know like this is and then we we started talking December 2023. And we talked for a few months.

And like once were you still in college? at that point? Yes. Yeah, I was in college for five years. Got it. Yeah. Yeah. So we, you know, we were talking for a couple months.

And then once it got close to the graduation, I had known that I wanted to make it official. And I was like, okay, let's do this the right way, right? The whole reason why they were upset is because I didn't tell you guys. So let me kind of do this. I was like, hey, I'm talking to someone. And it's going really well. Told a little bit about her. Brought up the Pop-Tart story.

And, you know, how we were connected. that way. And I was like, you know, I plan on making an official student and I wanted to let you guys know. And I had like had them like on a three-way phone call or something. And my dad was like, you know, Ketley, that's cool. You know, tell us more about her, whatever. And my mom, she was listening. And, you know, it was okay. And then like, I can't remember if I, I think I told them after graduation. And my, I had an internship. It started in June. And I remember I went home like for one of the last time just to hang out in my family. Because I was, my internship was in a different city closer. We're like probably still like an hour 45 from home, but I knew it was going to be

busy that summer. And me and my mom had just like went to my grandmother's house and we're on the way back. And I was like, so mom like, you know, how do you feel? Because we haven't like, we didn't really talk much more about what I had told her. And I remember she like, she's like, hell, you know, hold my hand when I say this. And I'm like, okay. And she was like, and I don't know who brought up a wedding. Like I don't think I did. She was like, I'm not. I'm not. going like to your wedding and I'm like okay like I don't remember me bringing that up and then like for the next like few minutes it was kind of just like a weird conversation I can't even like remember all of it but I mean she was kind of telling me there that she I think she did say she

don't think she was going to ever like accept it and it's still like rub me the wrong way I know I know I didn't like that conversation after it happened and then like after my intern like my internship was from like June to August. And I hadn't, I hadn't gone home. I could have went home. My internship was remote. I could have, I could have been home so many times. And, you know, it just, this is last year. It just, just more context. This is last summer. So I had just, I just kind of stayed away, just doing my own thing. You know, we're like building our relationship. I'm meeting, experiencing these new people. My internship was great. By the way, I love my internship. In the beginning of the summer, they told us that like, at the end of

end once you guys are all finished with your internship, we're going to have like an end of summer celebration, right? And I remember them telling us about it. And I did tell my parents about it. I think I told them the dates too, but they didn't seem like too into it. So we just didn't, again, I was also just busy too. So I didn't really, we didn't talk about it again. And then I remember my mom called me one day. I want to say like in July. And she's like, you know, I got this letter in the mail. It's going to be an end of summer internship or the celebration. like we want to come and I'm like I remember thinking like how they get the address and then I remember that like our orientation for like the organization they had us put uh they want us put our

addresses down and like I didn't want to put my old one from school because like I'm not there anymore and I didn't know the address of because they had us they put us up in Airbnb's and I didn't know that address at the time about the top of my head so I just put my families down I didn't really think I wasn't really put it together I just wrote it down and so I was like okay that's how she got it. And I was okay, mom, like, you know, I would love for you guys to be there. I'm going to let you know that my girlfriend, like, she's going to be there. Like, she just is. And she's just like, oh, well, I don't, I don't know. Like, I have to, I have to, like, rethink some things. And I was like, okay, fine. And then she calls me, like, or she texts me

the next day or something. She's like, here's what we'll do. Me and your dad will come, but we're going to, like, not talk to you. Like, we're going to come and, like, sit in the audience and like not say anything. And I was like, I was like, okay, that's just like weird because one, like, I was kind of part of it, the ceremony in a way because like we had like, we, we, we, we, I was like in a play. It was kind of part of it.

I was like, I was doing work with like farm workers and like one of my, I was like in a theater group and we would go to the farms, like perform for the farm workers, get some information about them, get to know them, speak to them. And it was a really like, that organization was just really intimate. That was a really family-oriented. And it was just like, people's parents were coming out of the cut to come out of there and be there. And, you know, I was just like, you guys are going to be there and, like, not talk to anyone.

Like, people are going to come up to you and ask, like, well, who are you? It's just the dynamic of just, like, them coming and not talking was just weird. And I was like, I told them, I'm not going to, I'm not going to ignore her to, like, please you guys either. I didn't want to put her in, like, a weird situation either. and my mom was mad she was like well she was mad that I hated that idea and she's like if it's like that we're not going to come at all and I was like just hurt because I think in college I was also an ROTC and that that just didn't work out and I felt like a lot of like milestones they were supposed to see they didn't get to like the only thing they got to see was

my graduation which is fine it's still a big deal but I felt like you know and when I was getting awards in school I mean my parents would come and it just haven't like I haven't like I wanted them to be there and, like, see it. I think, too, it's hurtful because it's like you're really going to let your own views on my sexuality. Yeah. Stop you from being a part of some of the best times in my life. Yeah. Like, last summer was just like, I felt like I had, like, a purpose.

And I still do. But it was just, it was also just like me discovering, okay, like, what do I want to do, like, as a career? Right. I really, again, I love, the last time it was really good. And it was, I was just so upset. And I remember, you know, my mom said that we're just not going to come at all. And I was like, okay, fine. And then I remember the next morning, I was on social media. And like, this person who was like, I think we might have gone to the same elementary school, but we had a lot of mutuals on Instagram, you know. And he, like, he passed away on his birthday. Like, he car accident. And, and. And. And, you know, he had just, we had just graduated too. It was just like, I saw my whole, like, city morning, which is really sad. Just, just terrible to see. And I remember just like, I mean, I was just crying because I was like, you know, I don't want to like spin. I don't want to fight with you anymore. Life is obviously too short. You know, this dude just graduated right along with me two months ago and now he's gone, right? And you can see how it's affecting everyone, even affecting

me and me didn't even, that man probably even remembered me or knows me like that. And I called my mom and I was just like, hey, like, this is what I saw. Like, mom, like, I really, I don't want to fight with you. Like, just come to the ceremony. Like, I just, just want you guys to be there. And I don't know how it got from, like, me just talking, crying regularly. And then, like, Negasino, I'm, like, just, like, going in on her. And I just, like, you, I was bringing up stuff you did, like, in senior, my senior year of high school, like, just bringing up how, how you treated me awfully. And I was just like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, think I want to be yelling at you like this right now. Like I'm trying to, it got a ceremony coming up.

I was the next week, my internship, they, uh, they flew me out to Chicago and I was able to like, like, we had like a conference going on. I had like a pardon that and like I was trying to prep myself for that because I was also like my first time meeting everyone outside my supervisor like in person. And it was just like, I'm not trying to have this right now. And also it's just it could be so simple. Exactly. Just come, you know, like, and sit down. And it should just be besides that, it's like whatever you love, they should love. Exactly. And I think that that and that's nothing, this is, I'm saying this to you and for anybody

that's felt this way, but that it has nothing to do with you. Yes. Like people that act that way, they have some sort of trauma, misery, bitterness, whatever it is, or whatever the reason, whether it was saying that happened to them when they were kids or whatever it may be. Like that is all a reflection of them. and it's sad but none of that is because of you and you should never have to change or adapt to make them happy so this is not their life it's your life and just because they brought you into this

world does not mean you live a life serving them exactly like I think like that that's was like really like my boiling point because I told her I was like I was like the easiest no one's telling you no one's saying like you we got to bring jasmine to the house right now like I was like the easiest thing you could do is you walk in there. You say hi to both of us. Just support. And then go sit down. Just be there. Yeah.

Yeah. So did they not end up coming? No. Mm-mm. Have they ever met her? No. And you guys have been together for how long? You're hearing some change.

You're in a few months. That, when me and my mom had that argument, I was actually supposed to go home for the first time for that summer and like visit everyone. And then I ended up not. Of course, I still went one of my same buddy who was an ROTC who was a, who gave me the MREs. I stayed at her apartment because she was stationed, stationed out there. And then, you know, we hung out and my grandmother's close by. So I went, I went to go talk to her. And my grandmother, by the way, like, she supportive? I think so. Yeah, she hasn't met Jasmine.

She was actually recently, like, spoke on the phone with her. But we'll get into that a little bit later. But, you know, she's all, I've been able to talk to her about, like, what's happened. She knows everything that's going on. She doesn't understand. understand. My grandmother from Haiti, Christian woman. And like, if she can,

like, be normal about this, why can't you? And, you know, I talked to her, and she was like, you know,

she called me junior. I'm named after her. So she's like, junior, just, um, if you really want them to come, like,

maybe just apologize for like, you know, because it did, again, I don't know how it went from like, me and my mom kind of just talking and I just like,

it got really aggressive. But, So, well deserved, though, honestly. And she was like, you know, just talk to them, like, tell me, you know, I really want you guys to come. And I did. I texted him. We have a group chat with both my parents. And I was like, listen, like, I'm sorry that things got out of hand.

At the end of the day, I really just want you guys to be there. So if you really don't want to say anything, fine. Can me, like, can the three of us just go get dinner or something after the ceremony? And my dad texted me on the side outside the group chat. And he was like, you know, Kelly, I'm not mad at you. We'll try to figure something out. Like, I don't know what's going on. Your mom.

We'll figure something out. And I was like, you're right, dad. Because even when I'm in trouble, like with my mom, it was like you did the worst thing in the world. And there was like, there was like some tension afterward. Me and my dad, up until kind of now, we would, if something, if we kind of got into it, you know, we would always be able to come back from it relatively quickly. And I was like, you know, dad. And that apology was mostly for mom. You know, I know how me and you were okay.

And then, so the next morning, I mean, I'm at my friend's apartment and I wake up and I get a text from my dad. I wish, I wish, no, no, I don't need my phone for it. But not because I won't be able to find it. But he basically says like, Kelly, I know part of the deal after my internship was like if I couldn't find a job or anything, I could stay at home until I found one, right? He was like, I know he said you could come. I know he said you could come. I know we. said you could come to the house after, but your lifestyle, it's like, it's too stressful for us. We can't deal with it, like, basically saying that I couldn't come home after. And this was like, again, like, this was on a Sunday. I think that Wednesday I was supposed to fly to Chicago and be there for five days. And like, he, he texted me that. And it was just like weird. He's never acted that way about it before. Again, like, I feel like my dad was like bread coming, breadcrumming me a lot over the you're saying like, oh, your mom will change. I'm talking to your mom, but like, I obviously nothing has changed. But it was just really weird to see that from him. And, you know, all I can say is, like,

thank God my friend was there, because I don't know what I would have done. It was just, like, I felt like I'd lost everything. And I remember that day, I think I had to get my old changes was out and I like I like drove to like my old like elementary school and I was just like walking around it and honestly like if I had if I had anything to like hurt myself I think I would at that day that's all I could like just think of in the moment I really just wanted to go like on the playground like where it was where it used to be I really wanted just be out there but it was all they fenced it and that's probably like over the years from like security issues but it used to never be like that so there was only so far I could go like

onto the school grounds, but it was just like a really like, it was a hard walk. And it was just not, not good. But then I know I kind of skipped ahead, but I got that message at 7 a.m. Right. And then two hours later, my dad texts me again. And he's like, Kelly, that wasn't me. That was your mom who sent that. And I was like, he was like, he said, yeah, she took my phone and like texted that. And I'm like, part of me was like, well, you let her do that. But also, here's my thing, right? I think my mom doing that, I don't, and we've kind of discussed it after and when I'll get into that. But you, I don't, there's no way to excuse that because when it's just wrong. But like, you had intentions sending it from his phone because, and when

what I came to learn later, she told me that she blocked my number. And my thing is, you could have been woman enough to call me and say that, you could have texted me that, then blocked me. Or you could have still texted from my dad's phone and said, hey, this is your mom. You had options, and that's what she did. You don't know what type of, you probably did know. She didn't care. We don't know what that does to somebody. It obviously did a lot to me in that moment. And then, like, that I was so angry, but I only had, like, two days to, like, really, like, think about that because I had to lock in. I was at the airport at like 5 a.m.

I'm traveling with my supervisors. I'm like trying to like be professional. I'm in Chicago like and you know, I had a blast out there. But those were really hard five days. I think I barely ate, you know, I was just working and, you know, came back from Chicago.

And then like that same week or the next week, you know, is the ceremony. You know, my parents, like I said, they didn't come, but I still had a, I had a great time. But what, Again, I had nowhere to go. And so, like, you know, I moved in with Jasmine. I moved in together. And, you know, I was still, you know, looking for jobs and stuff like that. And I can't remember if me and my dad spoke at all during that time. But like, obviously me and my mom didn't. You know, I'm talking to my grandmother. And she's like, I remember the day I had to turn to my laptop, you know, when I was done at the time. And I was just, she was, my grandmother told me, like, if you, if you have nowhere to go, you can come here. Right. I was like, yeah, I understand. And I remember, I think my mom texted me in September. I think it was like maybe Labor Day weekend or close to it. But all she said was like, you know, we're grilling this weekend, whatever. Like, if you want to come, come home. And the thing is, I couldn't afford to fill up my gas thing. I didn't. And I was like, I'm not going to waste. I'm not going to waste the last money I have to like go home and like, no, I'm not going to be around you. And. And.

I come to find out later, my grandmother told me that she spoke to my mom and she was like, you know, junior, she doesn't have any money. Like, she's trying to figure her stuff out. Like, let her, you need to, you need to support her, let her be home at least until she finds a job or help her find a job. And she told, she told my mom to reach out to me. And I mean, you doing that, that grill text is nothing, you know, or you could have, or maybe if you wanted, if you had intentions maybe to talk to me, I don't know. say that because all i who wants to again who wants to go and visit you when like all this has happened right after that might work the because i technically had like two internships and one that i had like the overall organization and they placed all the interns at these different other organizations right so the the place where i was placed at they said hey kettlie we can offer you something for right now it's like 20 hours like eight i was basically cleaning up doing inventory of the office right but i was getting paid and i was able to make make some money, then still wasn't really talking to my parents. And then I did, I did

shrooms for like one of the first times. The first time I did it, fine. And then we did it again. I did it with Jasmine and then another one of my friends I've known, so I was a kid. And we did like, we did like 0.5 more of the original dose. We did like 2 grams instead of 1.5. The potency was higher. but like the first half of the trip it was chill you know I'm vibing and I remember I just like I felt sick so like I used a bathroom I lay down and I have like my blanket like over my head and then Jasmine's just like holding my hand and I wasn't like in like pain which was like kind of nauseous it was kind of hard to describe but then you know I'm kind of just holding her hand and like squeezing it every couple of sections a couple of seconds and it reminded me of like how people squeeze their hands like for contractions when you're giving births And I don't know, like, I said that. And I don't know, I guess in my head, it just went from one. I just basically just started thinking about my mom. And I don't know, like, what came over me.

But it was like, like, the only way to describe it is, like, giving burp to my pain. That's, like, the only way to describe it. And I remember I was just, like, crying. And, like, it was like I was talking, it was like I was talking to my mom. Like the way Jasmine and like my friend describe it, it was like I was like channeling some of her like energy. Mind you, we're all, we're all on dreams, right? Yeah. But like it was like a sobering moment in a way too.

And I'm just like talking to her. I'm like, like it's okay to like, again, I don't know how what all my mom has gone through growing up, right? But like I know being a parent isn't easy. I'm not apparent myself. I know like you. And I was saying it's okay to like make mistakes, but like when you, when you, I feel like being able to like redeem yourself is a good way, like a different, you know, what's called character redemption.

I can't think of the, I can't think of the term, character development, right? And I was just like, but when you keep getting worse, that's when it becomes a problem. And I remember just like crying and I could like hear my mom crying. I could like, it was really crazy. and I felt like we were like crying together. It was just, I remember like being, and I've had this memory prior to like me being, you know, doing psychedelics. I remember my earliest, I think my earliest memory as a kid is like my mom driving.

And I'm like, you know, you have the baby seats and you're facing the actual seat. And I remember just driving like it's at nighttime. And like I see that me pass a gas station. And again, it was just, it really was me and my mom. just growing up. So I think in that moment, I don't know if I felt connected to her. But again, like we were just like, it was like I was just channeling a lot of energy. It was really, you really just had to be there to see it. And I've never cried so hard before ever. And I remember, like, getting up off the couch and there was like just so much likes not.

But like I felt like, I felt like I, I felt so much better. It felt like I, again, give him birth to my beliefs in a way. Yes. Like, it definitely like, for a moment after that trip, like, a weight had been kind of taken off my shoulders. And in that moment, I did feel like a lot of, like, peace and, like, somewhat forgiveness, right? And it made me just think of things a little bit different. I felt like I was kind of, like, humanizing my mom in some way. But I remember, like, a month or two later, my grandmother, she had to go to the hospital. And my mom, she had been, she's a teacher, she hadn't worked for, like, a month because she just got knee surgery, you know.

and she wasn't getting paid for that. And so no one could watch my brother. And I remember, and my Mimi, she told me this too. And she was like, yeah, your mom was trying to figure out, like, who's going to watch your brother? And Mimi, that's what I call her. Mimi was like, um, call Ketley. And mom, she said, mom just looked like guilty.

Like, because, like, why would I come and help, right? But that's my brother. Like, I'm going to watch my brother. I love that, ma'am. I'm going to do any. do. So, you know, I, I watched him for a whole week. And that was probably like the most time I've ever, like, spent with him, like, consecutively. And, you know, mom was thankful about it. And I'm trying to think, because we, I think we had an argument at some point prior to that before that happened. But I

told her about my experience on the streams. I told her, I told her everything that happened. What was her response to that? She really just, like, she sat and, like, looked down. But she was, I think she was listening. Okay. She didn't, she didn't ask too many questions. She was like, I was like,

I'm going to tell you something. I was like, I want to tell you something, but you have to have an open mind. Like, it's going to involve drugs. I'm sorry. Like,

um, yeah. But I, I told her, I was just like, it was a really, as like, as like scary as that was,

because it was, like, it was good for me. It was like, it was very therapeutic in a way. It was very therapeutic. And I just told her like, mom,

I don't, we could be, we could just be so much, I don't want to fight with you. Like, we've been, we've been in this thing for, like, I think this Christmas will make it seven years since all this happened. I was 17. I'm 24 now. Like, I'm not, I told him, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not who I was then anymore.

I feel like I've, again, put myself in your shoes. I've, I've done everything I could, like, give some grace to me and, like, stop. You know, I think, and I could be wrong, but I feel like in a twisted way, that's the only way she knows how to treat you. You know? Like I think that it would take healing on her end and almost like rewiring her brain and relationship with you to have a normal stable relationship. You know, it's like I feel like even if there's these moments where it seems like she's listening and there might be times in her own mind where she might want a good relationship with you. I don't know if it would be just like her own self getting in the way of it. that mixed with not knowing any different. Yeah. And I've, and I've told her, I was like,

mom, like, go get therapy. Go get therapy. Like I'm sure what? Is she against it? I mean, she's done it before, like a long time ago, but I don't think. I don't even knows if she'd be honest in therapy. I don't think she would be. You know, for therapy to work, you have to be honest. And it's like, it's just crazy because you don't know what's going on in her head, what she thinks is wrong, what she thinks is right. And unfortunately, people are stubborn in their own ways. Yeah. I think my grandmother told me like, excuse me, I think at one point she did like try to go to therapy or did briefly when all this was kind of happening. I don't, maybe when I was still in college, I'm not sure. But like, I think she said like the therapist is challenging her

what she's doing to me and you can't take that. Like, and like it's like we, you can't, if you don't even like give yourself the chance to like try to be different like like and like jasmine says this too all the time like she says like shame dies and like safe spaces and like even though you've done all these crazy things i'm like even if it's not talking to a therapist you're talking to me like i'm i'm trying to forgive you and i'm like if we can just like if we could just sit and just talk about it i don't know i don't know what it would take i don't know nothing will ever change because again i'm not unfortunately i'm not done talking So I don't, I don't know, like, just as like a mother.

I don't, I don't know how she, like, functions. Because if I had a kid and I just, like, know they're out there, like, suffering, especially because it's my fault. Like, and again, who knows if she really thinks this is her fault, right? But like how, but again, like she, she slept comfortably for what, six months when like I'm on the floor and I, you went to, you went to bed every night knowing that I was sleeping on the floor. And you, that didn't, you, you kept it going. Um, so yeah, after, after my grandmother was in the hospital, things kind of got, they were, they were okay. We didn't, we, like, I had that conversation with her about the trip. And I was just like, mom, like, I, I. I was like, you need to take accountability. I did say that. I did.

I was like, and I don't want like, I was like, if you apologize to me right now, I don't even know if I would receive it or believe you because I, you're just saying it now after all these years. But I was just like, something's got to give us like, whenever you're ready, whatever. But like I felt like I had to give her like a good talk to where it's like, again, after I really could have been like, we're done, cut you off after that summer and I should have but I still again giving you a chance to like maybe rekindle something but we were okay we were okay for a little bit and then it started to get bad like again and what I think in in April um of last

year this year okay yeah so so recent really yeah recent like recent so my sister she she wants to she's been asking come visit like come stay at my apartment And she's done it before, like last year, when my mom and grandmother came to visit, she stayed the night at my apartment. She got to meet my roommates. You know, we were cool. We had a great time. Chill.

And so solely asked me. And I was like, I was like, I don't know, but I will ask. And I was thinking maybe it'll be okay just because you okay. Like she's done it before. And I don't, I didn't have high expectations. but of course, you know, I asked her, I was like, you know, we would take her out, mom. Like, if you want me to be the one driving, I'll do that. She kind of has a thing.

She doesn't want her kids driving random people. I was like, I'll be the one driving. We'll take her out. You know, just telling her what we would do or what we could do. And she's kind of silent for a little bit, and she was just like, essentially saying no. And I told her that I told solely before that I was. was gay. And I know I know before when I was, I think maybe in senior year we had a conversation where she was like, well, you don't, I don't want you telling her we have to. And again,

I don't fully remember that, but I know it was said. But like, that's my sister. Like, I'm going to, I'm going to talk to her. And also, like, not even to be funny, but like, look at me. I'm like, I'm a mass presenting woman. Like, she's going to, she goes to public school. Like, Solie's, It's always autistic. She's not like, she's not dumb. Don't like me. Yeah. Like she's like, she, again, she goes to public school.

She pop, for all we know, she's seen somebody pregnant at school. I don't know. I remember in eighth grade, the seventh grade. Some seventh grade is a girl was pregnant in eighth grade. So we saw something like that that early. So I didn't see it being an issue. And she took issue with that. That was like something she kind of had a problem with.

So like that happened. And I was just, I was just so, I was really upset. I can't hang out with my sister. And here's the thing. And we also, we have a roommate too. If you want to feel comfortable knowing your kid is somewhere else there you haven't been, you know what the first steps are. You meet the people who live there. She did the same thing when my sister stayed at college with me. Last year, you know, she met my roommates. And it wasn't like we sat down and got dinner. You chat with them. Okay, these are cool people. And you know, you know I would tell you something if I did like my roommates or if I wouldn't want my sister there.

If I would die for my sister. So like I would never put her in a situation where she's not safe. A unsafe environment, yeah. Yeah. So she said no to that. Yeah, she said no to that. That happened. And then I think later that April, I talked to my dad because in the fall, like, what, December

2024. And he has mentioned plenty of times too, but he was like, I want to, the car I drive now, it's like in their name, right? And they're like, you know, we want to put that car in your name. So you can start taking responsibility, right? I'm like, what, post one year grad, you know, time to start being an adult, right? And at that time, I was like, you know, I want to come to him. I'm ready for that.

And I was like, dad, give me until the end of summer because I had three big emergencies. One of our cats had to go to the vet, like, what, once or twice? my car, I think the tire blew out. Oh my God. It was crazy. I had a bunch of big emergencies bad to bad. So I was like, give me until the end of the summer. I can like save some money and just be prepared to start taking on more bills. And because, you know, I can, I can pay this stuff, but you don't want to like start out in a bad spot, right? And that was my whole point. And I explained that to him. And he agreed there are, there are screenshots of him confirming. I told him, I told him that I wanted to get new tires in June.

And again, he agreed. So, birthday, my birthday is like May 13. Birthday comes around, I don't get a happy birthday from any of them. And like, from my mom, I'm not like surprised. I didn't tell her happy mother today, you know. But for my dad, it was a little different. Things were kind of chippy between then and there. I don't remember us, like, talking too much.

But basically, my dad, he texts me the week of my birthday, and he's like, oh, before I get into that, I had texting him prior saying, hey, I just don't think it's fair. Like, all these years you've been, because my dad said to himself, he was like, Kelly, I don't care if your sister goes to your house or your apartment. I'm like, okay. If you don't care, say that. And I was just like, it's, I was just texting, you know, it's just not fair that like, you're doing this. You're just letting him know how I felt, right? He didn't respond to me. And, you know, but then he randomly texts me. He's like, you know, June's coming up soon. you know, do you have this information about the car? And I'm like, well, I was like, okay, yeah, I have some of this paperwork. Yeah, but like, that's not what we read to. And he was like, well, we need to.

And I said, well, you know, while you're reading that, did you see any of the other stuff I, like, sent? And again, he's ignoring that part. And so then, you know, he was just telling me, you know, call me after work. And I did. And at first he was asking about, like, the car, because, you know, the tire had just popped, whatever. And I'm like, you know, the tire, car is fine. And he starts, then we just start talking about like how the process of getting a transfer to me.

And he's like, well, Kelly, you said that you would have it. You'd be ready by June. I was like, dad, that's not what happened. There are screenshots. If you confirm me that that is going to happen in the summer. And I was just, I was upset. And then we just started talking about what happened with my sister. and he said he's like you better read those fucking text messages.

I'm like, how about you read the text messages? You've been ignoring me and you're talking, you're talking about all these extra things, but you're not getting to the root of the problem. He's like, he was saying you're, you feel you're entitled to this car. I don't know why you're so upset right now.

It's like it's not about entitlement. Granted, I am fortunate enough to be in a position where my parents can do this for me, right? And I'm not like saying, this car is mine because it's not. I didn't put any money towards that car. But like, we had an agreement. and now you're like, you're literally lying and gaslighting me when you didn't agree to the date

you're saying right now. And I was like, dad is not even all about the car. Like, what's going on with the stuff with my sister? Like, you're, you're just being, I was just calling him out. You're being just really, like, weird right now. And he was like, mind you, for so many times, my parents had threatened to, like, take the car for me, so many times. And then they already took it that one time, right?

But he was like, man, if he said, he said, themselves. If you think your mom is evil, wait until you see what I can do. I'll take the car. I'll take the phone. We can end this right now. And like, one thing my therapist said when I told her, she was like, have you ever said that your mom was evil to your dad? And I was like, I don't think so. Like, I think you could, I don't know if I thought it before, but like, given everything, you can kind to say that. But like for him to say that, it's like, okay, you know what's going on, what's wrong. Why? You're like, it's just, his behavior is so odd. I can't. I don't, I don't understand it. But we were, it was just really bad arguing. And I was like, if you want the car, then take it.

Yeah, it's not even worth it. No. At that point. Yeah. I'm like, if you, if you, if you, if you want to, I'll think, I'm an adult. I'll figure it out. Yeah, it might be hard. I'm still, I work remote still, right? And it's just like, just, if it's, if it's like that, take the car, it's not even worth it. And so a lot of, so even though, even though, like, we had this agreement, he was, oh, no, he said, Kelly, sorry, I laid it out again for him why I wanted, like, that time, that specific timeline so I can get my stuff together. And he was just like, okay, Kelly, get your shit together. And then, I think, like, a week before, we had, like, an anniversary trip planned out in June. And, you know, I had my money budgeted for that, whatever. And then my mom,

mind you, we haven't talked like since April. So she texted me. She's like, you need to have, the car needs to be in your name by June 13th. If not, like, you need to bring it back here. And I was just like, like, fine. So I did every, I sent my dad all the paperwork he needed. All I had to do was just sign a few things, right? And I was like, when we were going to meet, I told them to come to the DMB, like where we're at. But they're like, no, you got to, you got to come there. I'm like, all right, fine. So I was like, we're going to meet here.

We're going to meet there first thing in the morning. We'll get this done. So enrolled in car insurance, like during our anniversary trip. Did I pay, paid it, whatever, right? The day I was enrolled, like, Dad, I'm enrolled in insurance. And the day before we're supposed to, oh, I'm supposed to go out there. He calls me and he's like, Kelly, we can't find, like, the title. I don't know where it's at.

I'm going to have to order a new one. And I'm just like, it's just so crazy. It's like, if we just stuck to the original timeline, you could have realized, I don't have the title. Let me go get it or something, right? And it was just so annoying because it was like, it was like end all B off. The car's not in your name.

And look, I did all this and like, here's where we're at. So I looked up information about like, how long does it take? Because he said he ordered the 16th. And I looked up, it takes like maybe 10, the 15 business days for it to get here. So on that 15th day, no title. He couldn't, he didn't have it. So part of me was like, did he even order it? Is it even really missing? I don't know. I can't, I can't trust you. You're literally lying. And like, that's kind of new with me and my dad.

Because like we try to keep it real. I feel like we do generally. So it was just, again, just like really disappointing. I was just like so enraged because it's just like, you know, if I messed up in that way, that would be my ass. Like they, they, they, they, they, they, they, it would be all on me. And then the following week, my grandmother had to go to the hospital again. And she called me, my grandmother called me to let her know the ambulance is coming, whatever. And I call my, mind you, I'm, my mom has told me that she hasn't blocked me. But like, and correct me if I'm wrong, because I don't know if you know, but like sometimes when like, and she has iPhone,

when the message is that little arrow to send it, like if it's green, I know sometimes like it can do its signal if her phone is dead. But it was just an odd amount of time. Like, I felt like I was blocked. Yeah. And it was just really weird. So I had to text her on, I'm like calling her on messenger. My dad didn't pick up first. So I was like texting calling her messenger.

I'm like, you need to pick up now. Like Mimi's on the way of the hospital. And she got back to me. She said she was in the shower. She like missed it, whatever. But they're telling me like, I told them, I'll be there. I'm going to leave my house in next like 30 minutes. And they were telling me like, no, like you don't need to come.

They were telling like you, they were trying to stop me from coming. I was like, you guys aren't going to tell me that I can't come. My dad was like, I don't want any drama between you and your mom. I was like, you tell, I said, you tell your wife that like, you keep it to a minimum. Like put our stuff to the side. Mimi's in the hospital. That's what's more important right now. And again, they really tried to stop me from coming.

And I remember I got there and my mom was there. Mind you, we haven't spoken since like April. Okay. And, you know. And this was June? This one was July. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

I walk in there and like. Like, you know, me and my mommy didn't say anything to each other. But then she was like, well, we'll come outside and we'll talk. And I was like, and she was just kind of updating me on like, just like health stuff with my grandmother, what they're doing, what's yet to come, whatever. And she's just like, well, how are you doing? How has it been? And I'm like, I've been better. I didn't know what to say.

I feel like this summer has been so like just rageful for me. Like, because we have just like, I'm calling them. no one's picking up. I've called my dad. Like he'll ignore my calls about the title. It's just like, and it's different for him. He's really messed up because now, and I'll explain this more in a second, but now I see him as like equal as my mom, at least how bad it is. Because it's always been him above her.

But this is a little new. I've never been mad at my dad like this. And so, I don't know. But Mimi comes home. My mom leaves. She's not even working either. I would think she would stay there the whole time. Right.

But she left. And I'm the one who took her home. And, you know, we're eating. And I called my mom and like, well, I'm like, well, listen, I wasn't able to come hang out last week. I was like, can I take my sister out and hang out with her? And she said, no. And I was like, well, why not?

And then she hung up the phone. And that, like, I told my grandma, I was like, listen, I have to go. there. Like, I'm tired of this, like, it feels like when we fight, it's like, what's it called? Like, you're throwing rocks and, like, hiding your hands. Like, no, like, we need to, like, we need to, like, confront this now. And so I went over there. They didn't, they didn't know. And what they don't know is that I recorded that conversation. I had, like, an hour and, like, 30 minutes worth of, like, audio file about how that entire thing went. And, I mean, it just,

just explosive. Because one, they're like, well, why are you here? Like, no one, we told you not to come. No one told you to come here specifically. And I'm like, I'm trying to figure out what the issue is. Like, you're not letting me talk to my sister. You're not letting me hang out with her. Like, what is the problem? I know at one point, like, my mom, we were like in each other's faces. And I was, I was telling, I was like, I was like, do something, do something. I feel like she wanted to hit me in that moment. And I told her, I was like, I know you can't. And I know you won't. Just because, like, one, I'm like, I'm an adult now. So, like, you're, if you hit me, there's different, different stipulations and two, I can fight back now.

So like I didn't want her to, but like we were, again, we were, we were, if I did this, we could have butted heads literally. And it kind of, they were kind of, they were trying to try to usher me out at one point. I think I brought up because I was like, why dad told me that I couldn't come because you guys were fighting. And then she looked at him and she was like, what the, what the is she talking about? What are you telling her? And so I was, I think I realized in that moment that dad had lied. And I think they were. And I think they were. fighting, but like that wasn't why I couldn't come over. I think it was, I can't remember how she like explained it. But basically, if I took my sister out, someone with someone, I think they were both going to be gone to, someone wouldn't have been able to watch walls. I don't, something like that. It made sense, but I'm just like, okay, why didn't you just say that last week? So that, that makes feel like, okay, dad, you have your own like intentions on like, apparently because he, and he, when we had been arguing a little bit early in the summer, he was like, I'm not going to ruin my marriage for you. I'm like, you. I'm like, you have.

You're... His marriage does have nothing to do with you. It does. I'll challenge you on that a little bit. Just because, like, bringing it back up, like, if you... Because, again, he's told me in confidence that he doesn't like the way my mom treats me. He doesn't like how it is. So if you hate that, why won't you do something about it?

Like, it's not only making my life miserable. At this point, it is. And, like, he's, again, he's had so much time to, like, to change. Like, if you want to live like that, then fine, right? But we had to like, I was like, Mom, that's what he told me. So like, he's lying to one of us. But it was funny in the moment. I mean, just like full volume.

Like, we're really explosive argument. Just hateful stuff. My mom, I told her how she's like, you're not picking up the phone. That's why I'm like blowing it up. And like, I'm not, we're already not in a good, like, way. So if I'm calling you, it's important. And she's like, Kelly, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, you're not blocked. I'm watching you call.

I'm declining or I'm just letting it. ring. And I'm just like, what is, what's wrong with you? And, you know, she said, if I, she's like, if I'm fighting with someone and they do something wrong, you know, it's like if you die, I don't care. I don't got to talk. I don't got to talk to you. So that was just like weird. Because it felt like it was like, you're saying that to me. Like if you died, that's how I took that. So this all was happening in July. End of July. And that's where everything is standing now still. Was that like the last interaction you had with them? Yeah. I, again, you see how crazy if it's been I can't even like wrap it all up.

And that, and that's what's hard. Like, we're still, nothing's, there's no pin on anything right now. I feel like we're all just like. And the thing is, there might never be. I don't think so either. You know, like it's not something. I feel like it seems like, you know, obviously the whole story with them goes in waves. Yeah. You know, and it's unfortunate and it sucks, but it's almost like, you have to find a place for yourself where it's healthiest for you. And if that means not speaking to them, then that's what it has to be. And obviously there's, there has to be a way for you to navigate it with your siblings so that you can still have some sort of relationship with them and maybe just be distant with your parents or cordial or whatever, whatever it has to be so that you

can maintain that relationship that means something to you. Yes. But I mean at this point, it's like there, did you buy you? Yeah, it's fine. At this point, um, You know, it's just, it's something where you have to navigate what's best for you in your mental health. And they are very lucky and fortunate that you're a very forgiving person because a lot of people would hate their guts. I think that's where I'm at right now. Yeah. I think like I've, again, I've shown compassion. And it's okay to go through different emotions.

Never be hard on yourself about that because they've put you through it. You know, so you have to give your. yourself some grace with all the different whirlwind of emotions that you're going to be feeling. But I think it's at a point where you need to stop giving them grace and give yourself grace. Yeah. I think that was, that was, I think like a week leading up to this, I was kind of like, not that I still want to do it, but a part of me was like, you know, is this going to like, how are they going to feel or like how is it going to affect them?

Or like, one thing if they ever do see this, right? Who knows when? But it's going to, I know the first thing's going to be like, you guys, or you weren't thinking about us. But I'm like, you know, you didn't think about me at all during any of this stuff, like remotely any. Again, like you. Well, this is your life and your truth. Yeah. And there's so many other people that experience things similar to this.

Yes. And deserve to feel like they're not alone. I mean, the amount of times throughout this story that you've said that you felt isolated, imagine someone. when you were that age, being able to hear this and feeling not so alone and not so isolated. Like you're going to change someone's life. Yes. You know? And they couldn't provide that for you at that time of your life.

So if you can provide that to someone you don't even know, that's incredible. That's why you're here, you know, to share your truth and to help other people. It's not to, you're not here to bash them to make them look bad on the internet. You're here to share your story to help people and to help yourself. You deserve to be able to tell your story. Yeah, I think it's just been hard, like, wrestling with it just because at least, like, the, the physical stuff didn't bother me too much because I was able to still, and I'm still able to rationalize it.

I shouldn't, right? Because that was pure abuse. But, like, at least that stuff, it's because I did something wrong. Now it feels like you're just punishing me for who I am as a person. Yeah, it's horrible. Yeah. And so I just, I expected when I took. come on here, that things would be kind of wrapped up. But it's, again, it's gotten significantly

worse. I think I don't, I don't know what happens next, but I am trying to figure out how that really, again, balancing how I like, with my siblings. If I don't have to talk to you guys, I won't. Like, just the other day, I'm trying to get my sister take her out. Yo, Gabba Gabba Gabba lives coming to where we're at. And I just want to, she loves it, you know, I want to take her. And it was almost a battle just trying to get that together. And my mom's like, you don't got to, you need to be calling your father. We don't have, you don't have to talk about me. You can talk about this through your dad.

I'm like, I'm literally calling him. You won't pick up the phone. And I think it's one of those things that as long as your siblings know how you feel about them and that you're always there. You know, that's the most important thing. And I feel like the next part in your healing journey should be all about you and not about them, not about how they feel. You know, I think your whole life has been focused around that. 100%. the the only thing I'm somewhat nervous about is the day because I don't I don't know if they'll see that I don't even think a podcast like this would come across their algorithm right but all it takes is like someone who may recognize me I don't know I don't really I'm not I'm worried that they'll use this as like a way to like not let me see my siblings and I don't know how that looks and I am prepared for that but again I'm

And like, I don't know what, like, I don't know the laws. I don't know how that works. Again, and they're not, I told my sister, I was like, if mom lays a hand on you, like, and if you see something happening questioned with a loss, you tell me, and we will, I will step in because someone should have stepped in when I was a kid and like, God forbid they go through. I don't think, I don't think they will, but also, I don't know. You know, I can only do your best, you know, it's a lot of pressure to put on yourself.

Yeah. You know, it's like it's almost like you're trying to break this cycle, but then you're also trying to live your life. You're still, how old are you? I'm 24. Yeah. I'm just starting. Exactly. So it's like it's a lot.

It's a lot to juggle. And then on top of it, you're trying to heal, you know, and then still trying to have a relationship with them and your siblings. And it's so much. Yeah. It's been, this summer has been really hard. I haven't been depressed like this. I wouldn't say like since like my senior high school. I haven't felt like this.

It feels helpless. Like, what do you do? Yeah. There is no answer, I don't think. And I think that's the most frustrating part of it all. I really wanted to come on here and, like, tell you, this is the end. And unfortunately, I just, I know it's going to look new, but I just, I don't know. I wish I had, like, a definitive answer right now.

I'll like it. Literally, all I can ask for. And I told them this. I was like, I don't care what happens after, what our relationship looks like after. You let me see my siblings, and that's it. And, of course, I'm going to have my relationship with my grandmother, but they can't control that. But that's all I want.

Literally, Dev, if they, if my parents gave me a stipend or something, I'll take the kids from you. Like if you don't, sometimes it feels like they don't want to be parents in a way. I don't know. And I don't know.

But like if I could just, if I had the money to just take them. Yeah. I know how I felt growing up. They definitely don't deserve that. Especially like when Wallace was born, like, But then I remember when my mom showed me him on FaceTime, I'm like crying.

I'm like, I've never cried. I'm like, hack this is, that's my brother. And I just, I just want was best for them. And even, of course. Even after all this, like, I used to say I still want like a relationship with my parents or like maybe an apology and we can move forward. But now I think, because this summer's just been so ugly. I don't know, because sometimes it's too late. I feel like it's too late for sorry sometimes.

And that's what hurts the most. Like I thought I would always have like a capacity. to forgive. But now it's like... Well, life also goes through different eras, you know, and right now, that just might not be where they're at and where you're at. And that's okay. And I wouldn't hold hate in your heart, you know, but I would just realize within your own mind, it's not the time. Yeah. And that might change in a couple years, five years, 10 years. Who knows? But right now you might not be able to provide that forgiveness. And that's not bad either.

You're just not there. And they're not reciprocating that. They're not giving you a reason to want to forgive. And there's nothing wrong with the way that anybody chooses to handle anything when it comes to their healing and their process. Like I said before, like just don't ever beat yourself up about that or feel like maybe if I did this or that, like none of that is on you. That's not a decision you needed to make.

And I think, like I said before, I feel like you're. point of coming here, I don't think it needs to be to have an answer, but more so just to spread awareness and speak your truth and speak your story. And to know that you're going to help other young kids, because there's so many kids that feel isolated and like they can't talk to their own parents. And it's shitty and it sucks. They need to know like it's not that it's normal because it's not, but there's other people out there that understand it. Yes. I, I, I hope that if like, of course I know people my age or younger would probably watch this. Like I hope like if parents ever come across.

I'm sure they're part of your audience, right? But like don't just like if you're not, if you can't, if you want to have a child and you don't think you could love them through anything or at least specifically them being gay, their sexuality, whatever. Like you don't need to have one. Like you, my parents feel like bullies. It's like you're, it's like bullying. And.

Oh, it's horrible. You know, and I think that there is a different type of hurt and pain in something like that. Because, you know, like you said, it's like the abuse is physical. Saying some things and doing some things. It's like that might be the emotional aspect of the abuse. But then having the people that are supposed to love you most, not even be able to accept who you are because of who you love is pathetic. Yeah. Very.

Like, you're going to let that be a factor of why we can't. can't see eye to eye and have a loving relationship, it makes no sense. Like, people need to get a grip. One, 100%. And one more thing I do, I do want to say. Yeah. It still has to do with it, but it's a little random. I, yesterday, we went to the African American History Museum in D.C.

And we were only able to get through, like, I didn't realize how massive. I don't know if you've been or if you've seen the layout, but, like, Like, it's, we only went through, like, the first floor. And that's, like, in the basement. And I didn't realize how intricate it would be. But, like, I think black people specifically being homophobic is really, I hate it. I mean, any homophobia is stupid, right? But, like, as a people, we've already been, like, discriminated against horribly treated bad again for, like, who we are.

I can't control like my skin color. Just like I can't control like my sexuality. And knowing that like we, our people have been through that same thing. And then you're just doing it again. It's like you're supposed to know what this feels like, right? Granted, the reasons are different why, you know, people are racist and there's homophobia. But like, well, no, they're kind of intertwined. Anyway, it comes, that coming from my mom, especially when she talked about as a kid,

she, like my mom, she said she's a dark skin woman. And my mom is beautiful. You know, like I look just like her. You know, she should just get made fun of as a kid for like by her own other black, you know, the people, people just as dark as her. And just getting made fun of her skin color. And it's like, okay, you know what it's like to be treated like crap from people who are supposed to like be there for you in some way.

Why are you perpetuating the same thing on me? Right. Again, different reasons, different circumstances. but somewhat one and the same. Yeah. And again, I just think, I think black homophobia is just really like, it's really, it's disgusting because we, it breaks my heart, right? I know it's kind of random, but it's just like when you just see everything, we saw

so much yesterday. Again, we only, we didn't even like make it through the first four all the way. And it's just like. It just puts things in a perspective. Yeah. And it just, it really sucks. I don't know. I know it's kind of random.

No, not at all. I just. I don't know. Again, I hope that if my parents, they do come across this, they watch the whole thing. And again, I'll say this to them, don't, don't, if you watch this, if you see it, don't talk to me until you watch the whole thing. And like just, I don't know, maybe get a grip and see it, but who knows, Deb? They might see this, might be like, sheet, and just see right through it. And all they see is it's all about them.

It's all about them. And you can't take any of it personally. No. And you shouldn't. And, you know, I tell everybody this. and this goes beyond just what you spoke about here, but anything that anybody says, you know,

whether it's comments or from this video in general in life, you know, people that don't agree with you, whatever it might be, you're not on this earth to live for other people. Like, you are here for you, and it is okay to be selfish,

you know, you need to find your purpose, you need to find your happiness, and whatever that may be, you do it. And never, allow someone else's opinion to steer you in a different direction. 100%.

Like always, you know, I think we live in a life, especially now with social media, it's like validation and people pleasing and being accepted and this, that and the other, fuck all of that. None of it matters. Yeah. Seriously. Like, the only thing we can do is bring like light and love. And I feel like by, I always say like, that's one of the reason I created this platform so that

people just have a little bit more authenticity. Yes. And things are spoken about that are usually brushed under the rug or. filtered in a way. Like I don't, none of that needs to matter. And I feel like the only thing I hope for you and all of the people that come on here is that you guys just stay so authentic to you. You know, and I think that it's so easy, especially when you're raised in an environment where you're just beaten down and beaten down mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever it is. It's so incredible to me that you guys are able to sit across from me and be these amazing people.

really because you could turn out the complete opposite angry bitter mean like not wanting to help others and the fact that you're still so genuine and like you might not think that you're healed and maybe the situation with them isn't and healing the healing journey is never actually done I don't think you're always changing and developing and healing as we go on every day but you should be so proud of the person that you are like you were just so kind and genuine and sincere and and you still have so much love to give when love wasn't shown to you in the ways that it should be. And I just, you should give yourself a lot of credit for that. Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm trying, trust me, I'm trying to like not lean into that because it gets, it gets dark. It's negative.

Yeah. And like, you don't need to be around anything negative. And you've tried, that's all you can do. Stop trying. Yeah. Focus on you. That would be my advice. Not that I'm saying to take it, that's what, but that's what I'm giving. No, I'm going to, I'm ready to like, Again, this hasn't been the most on summer ever. I want to have fun. I want to be happy and find my own way. So I'm just going to try to accept like whatever this new chapter is and like move forward. Because like there are times where I didn't think I didn't think I'd make it past 25.

I thought I would like honestly just kill myself at some point. But like I have so much more to live for it than like I realize. So like I just have to like lock in and like accept that if they don't want to be a part of it, then that's it's on them. It really is their loss. And they're missing out because you're amazing, truly. Well, thank you for giving me the platform to do that. Of course. And if you ever write a book, let me know, send it my way.

I'd be happy to promote it for you, talk about it, whatever you want. And honestly, of course, of course, thank you.