We're All Insane - My Mother Married My Rapist

Episode Date: July 12, 2026

For 14 years, Cynthia endured unimaginable abuse at the hands of the man she believed was her father. From the age of five until she escaped at 19, she was groomed, manipulated, and repeatedly sexually abused by her stepfather…all while living in what appeared to be the perfect family. When she finally found the courage to tell someone at 16, she expected protection. Instead, she was met with disbelief, shame, and pressure from the very people who should have stood by her. Resources:  → https://rainn.org/  → https://paar.net/ Check Out Cynthia:  → https://www.instagram.com/cynthiaadelgado?utm_source=qr Sponsored By: → Shopify | Every story has a turning point. If you're ready to build something of your own, start your journey with a free trial at https://shopify.com/insane → HERS | Ready to reach your goals? Visit https://forhers.com/insane to get personalized, affordable care that gets you. → AquaTru | Go to https://AquaTru.com now for 20% off (your purifier) using promo code INSANE. AquaTru even comes with a 30-day best-tasting water guarantee.  On This Episode We Cover:  → 00:00:00 - Introduction  → 00:00:00 - What was her family dynamic?  → 00:01:48 - What was her first memory of sexual abuse?  → 00:02:51 - What was her next memory of abuse?  → 00:05:51 - What feelings dominated her childhood?  → 00:07:37 - Why didn't she know her stepfather wasn't her biological father? → 00:08:56 - How did she feel when she found out he wasn’t her father?  → 00:09:49 - How often was she abused?  → 00:10:13 - What happened when she became seriously ill? → 00:13:08 - How did everyone react when they found out? → 00:14:17 - Did her mom know what was happening? → 00:16:51 - Who else did he sexually abuse?  → 00:19:01 - How did the abuse escalate as she got older? → 00:24:26 - How did the abuse change when she was 14? → 00:26:06 - How did her high school girlfriend change everything? → 00:27:32 - What happened after the school reported the abuse? → 00:29:26 - Why was the police investigation so traumatizing? → 00:30:22 - How did her stepfather manipulate her from jail? → 00:33:19 - How did her family convince her to protect her abuser? → 00:36:09 - How was she manipulated into staying silent? → 00:38:48 - Why did the abuse begin again after he returned home? → 00:43:51 - How did her mother treat her differently from her sister? → 00:46:03 - What is a mother wound? → 00:48:38 - How did her mother also groom her?  → 00:51:56 - How does her family treat her abuser to this day? → 00:53:29 - Why does she still struggle to cut off her mother? → 00:57:17 - Why is it so difficult to understand her mother's choices? → 00:59:29 - How did her mother respond to the allegations? → 01:02:55 - What happened when he got out of jail? → 01:05:01 - How did her stepfather regain her trust? → 01:08:01 - What happened after he slapped her? → 01:14:37 - How did he continue manipulating her emotionally? → 01:17:19 - Why did she finally leave home? → 01:20:01 - When did she leave the city?  → 01:23:53 - What happened during the court proceedings? → 01:27:09 - How has family betrayal impacted her adulthood? → 01:30:20 - When did they get married? → 01:31:22 - How did the assault affect her mental health? → 01:34:05 - How is she breaking cycles moving forward? → 01:37:41 - How is she struggling with people pleasing?  → 01:40:02 - What is her relationship with her family like now? → 01:42:48 - Why do so many survivors feel guilty?  → 01:46:02 - How has becoming a stepmother changed her perspective? → 01:48:35 - How do you live your life with trauma? → 01:51:02 - Why does she feel obligated to share her story?  → 01:54:38 - Why is it so important for survivors to speak out?  Further Listening:  → My Father Was a Pastor and a Predator More We Are All Insane:  → OFFICIAL MERCH NOW AVAILABLE - code INSANE10 gets you 10% off for a limited time → Join We’re All Insane Mailing List for EXCLUSIVE Content + Discounts  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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And it ended because I physically had to remove myself from the home. Otherwise, it just, I have no idea. I literally have no idea how, like, because I was obviously groomed. into this lifestyle. So I always think about like, would I be like in my 20s? And it was still be happening or like, I don't know. So what were the family dynamics? Were you, was it your mom there? Do you have any siblings? In my household, it was my mother, my stepfather, and my little sister. She's five years, like four and a half years younger than me. That is her biological dad.

Okay. I didn't know he wasn't my dad until I was like 16. I don't know why they kept it a secret. So you didn't have a relationship with your biological father? No, I've never met him. I have no idea who he is. Okay. So my family is from Mexico.

So when I was born, we moved to California, like the state of California when I was like a few months old. So I like literally never step foot in Mexico. And then my mom got with my sister's dad. And then five years later, she was born. And we were still in California. And that's, I remember my first memory there of the abuse. We were in his work truck. And it was like those old trucks like in the 90s where it's just like it's one seat.

And then basically the bag was like his tools. So like the bits and pieces that I remember from that moment, they must have, my mom and my dad must have done stuff. And I was in the passenger because when we, I don't even know where we were. My mom got out to like get him something, clean himself off. And he was just sitting there with like a sock just covering him. And he looked over him in and he asked me to like lift it, lift the sock up to see what's underneath. And I remember in that moment being like, no. Yeah.

So I didn't. But like that's that's the first memory that I have. And so I must have been like five or yeah, because my sister was born at that point. And then we moved to New Jersey. And that's basically where I was raised my whole life until I met my wife. And I moved. So the abuse continued, obviously. So the first experience was in the truck.

And it was him kind of, I guess, introducing like, oh, lift it look, right? And then do you remember when the next experience happened? And was it escalated from that first one? The next memory that I have, I was eight or nine years old, but I know that in between being five and then being eight or nine, abuse was happening. Okay. Like light grooming, you know, touching and to get to this vivid memory that I have. And I had to been eight or nine because it was my sister's little birthday at our house.

We're in the house that we lived in Jersey, we moved in. It was like, I don't even know what you call it, like a mother-in-law sweet. where we lived upstairs, the four of us, and then my grandparents lived downstairs with my aunts and uncles, like my mom's siblings. And so we were like a tight-knit family, like all of us. But in this memory, I was like either eight or nine, and my mom was throwing my sister a party. And we had like a really big yard. And that's where we threw. That's what we had like barbecues and, you know, get-togethers.

And this memory that I remember very, very vividly, my stepdad asked me to go upstairs to the house while everyone was out. Like, my mom was setting up stuff outside and getting the party ready. And he was like, oh, let's go upstairs to get like cups or utensils or something. And I went with him. And then we went to his bedroom. And his bedroom window is right above his bed. And you can see the entire backyard at that window. So he had like a perfect view of everything, you know.

So that was like his perfect opportunity. Like I could do something and I can also make sure, you know, that I have my eyes on everything. So I remember him telling me to get on the bed with him. And then he told me that it was now, like I was old enough. It was time for me to give him oral. I remember being so, like, alarmed that this was happening while people were all died and there was a party. And, like, my mom was out there and, like, people who, what I would think would protect me are literally outside. But they have no idea what's happening.

So I just remember him telling, like, trying to coach me into it. This one, like, this one sentence that he said was, like, pretend it's like a lollipot or something like that. And I literally just connected the dots like not that long ago when I was typing. To this day, I don't think I've ever had a lollipollipoll. Like I don't eat lollipovs or like popsicles. Like I mean, it must have been because of that. But I don't remember. I must have like dissociated or blacked out or my tiny little brain was trying to protect me that I don't remember perform in oral.

It was just like the memory ends there. But I know it must have happened. Do you remember feeling scared? I think from as early as I can remember, I feel I have always felt like disgust. Okay. Always. Did you have a fear of what would happen if you didn't do it? Oh, yeah.

From as long as I can remember, he would always say to me, like, if you don't do what I ask you, you'll get nothing in life. Like, you need me to survive. And like, if you don't. have me, you have nothing. And he raised us to be very materialistic and he had money. So our family was like, we were fine. So little by little, I picked up that if I needed, if I wanted to be part of the family or like be his daughter, that I had to be exactly who needed me to be. You know, be his little, like, just grew me the way that he wanted to.

Do you think that he abused his biological daughter? I have no idea. I can't start. From what I know from like my therapist, like telling me statistics and everything, it's like he had to. But my sister to this day swears that it never happened ever. And I remember asking him when I was younger, like I was a teenager. And I remember asking him like, do you do this to my sister? And he was just like, no, he was like appalled, like almost like disgusted that I even asked that.

And I remember him answering me like, no, she's my kid. And I remember thinking like, I'm your kid. Right. Because when he was there when I was born. So like to me, like I looked at him like my father, especially because I didn't know he until I was 16. And the way he raised me, like, I was like, yeah, this is dad. So when he answered like that, like, no, she's my kid. I was just like, okay, so like that made me feel like something was off with me.

Like what about, what do you mean? Like, it's hurtful. Especially because he always from even a little like, and I was little, he would always tell me like I'm his little girl. Like I'm like, you're my everything. And as I got older, he would hint that I wasn't his kid. Like he would say stuff like, well, you're not my blood really. And whenever I would try to be like, what do you talk?

what do you mean? He would be like, oh, well, I can't explain it to you. You're too young. And that was something your mom didn't bring up yet. No, no. And like, we have last name. So I remember asking my mom, like, where is my last name from? And she would say, oh, it's from your grandma.

I'm like, okay, okay, whatever. But, I mean, eventually it came out that he wasn't my dad. And that made things, that made things feel worse to me. because it was like, or not worse, like better, almost, like, I kind of in between because A, I was relieved that he's not my blood. So like, I don't have his DNA. Yeah. Like, I have nothing to do with him. But also it was like shitty because I firmly believe in like nature versus nurture and like I'm literally his kid. Like to this day, like I have so many mannerisms that resemble him and like he taught me everything that I know. And. to the, like to the outside world, he was the perfect man. Like no one knew anything about the abuse until I finally came out and said something when I wanted it. Not when I wanted it to end, but like when I was just like, I can't keep going on living this way. And that was when I was finally 16.

And I finally said something. But up until then, it was weekly. It was maybe every other night. And the only time I would get a break is if I had my period. But I, like, I had a break from my body, but he also had to receive stuff. So, like, basically I never had a break. Like, and I have this really terrible memory. I was, I don't even know, 13, 14.

And my mom never cared for me if I was sick. Like if I was sick, a headache or sore throat or any illness, she could care less. If anything, it was like an inconvenience to her if I was sick. But my little sister, she babied. So, like, she would call out of work and, like, be there for her rush her rush to the doctors or rush it to Walgreens to get stuff. But with me, it was just like, it's always something with you. Yeah. But this one time I was really sick and I must have stayed home from school.

And I never stayed home in school. And I had a fever. I was sick. And he came home on his lunch break because I was home. And then I was, I must have been like groggy. were just so out of it because I had a fever that I was like in and out of sleep. And I just remember him crawling in bed and then just raping me while I was sick. And him saying in my ear, like, your body feels so hot. I know that there are so many of you out there that are super

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And then that was like one of the moments where I felt literally just like an object. Like, it's not like if me being groomed and me being molested my whole life made me feel some type of way. It was like that moment validated. Like, you're literally nothing. Right. Like, you're literally just something to him. That's it. And so that's like a memory that I think about almost daily.

And it's something that I deal with in therapy all the time with feeling like shame and guilt. Because those are the two things that I feel more than anything. anything is shame and guilt. Why do you feel like you have guilt? Because I listen, I hear my mother and my grandmother's words in my head how I'm discussing. And like when all this came out eventually when I was 16, everyone blamed me. Like no one protected me. No one took my side.

It was you did this. You antagonized him. You, you saw it. Oh, at five years old? Yes. When it started? Okay. Do you think your mom knew?

Everyone says yes. Everyone. I mean, abuse happening every day, every other day. I mean, you're either really, really stupid and or you're purposefully turning a blind eye or you don't want to face it or you don't, you might think it and you don't want to believe it. You know, what do I know? But like, I mean, I think I know, actually, like, blaming it is never a child's fault. A child does not know.

And obviously, I know your therapist, I'm sure, has told you that. But, you know, so many survivors and people that have been through trauma feel guilt and shame. And I think, and that's why I always tell people talking about it and opening up about it. it is so important because to carry shame and guilt around something that you had no control over and fear and everything else. And I'm sure to some degree embarrassment, you know, this is your you're supposed to be your father. You know, it's like to even have the courage one day for this to come out. It's, it's scary. That's not something I don't think anybody wants to address or figure out or sort through a work through. It almost feels like it would be easier, I'm sure,

to act like it never happened and keep it pushing. Yeah. You know, so to talk about it, I mean, you should be damn proud of yourself because it's not easy. I would rather put it under the rug and not talk about it. Yeah, I'm sure anybody would. Yeah. You know, it's not easy to have to almost relive something and go through the details of it and figure out why, how are people like this? Why did this happen?

You know, and those are also answers we might never have. And it sucks. People are sick. And then to blame you, that's outrageous. Even if my point is, is even if she didn't know, like that's your child. I mean, I think that she didn't know up until a point. Okay. And then she decided just to pretend, pretend not to know because her life was comfortable.

Right. You know, why would you want to change everything? Right. And but she, she knew that he was perverted because when we were younger, like this later came out when like in the, when the detectives were like subpoenaing people and trying to get people's statements. It later came out that he tried to sexually abuse my aunts, which are her sisters. And they told her and she just was like, oh, we'll close the door a night. Or like, or like nothing happened after that. And I was like, I was young at that point.

I was maybe like five. And my aunts, they're 10 years and 15 years older than me. So like there were one was in her teens. And the other one was like maybe 19, 20. So like for that to happen. into them and then then not feel validated. But like he's to the outside, he's like a perfect man. So like no one want, no one will want to disrupt the family dynamic because you got touched. Yeah. That's how, that's how they see things. Right. So that's how I was raised to just put everything

under the rug. Like I can deal with this, with these nightly attacks because during the day, we have a perfect family. You know what I mean? We have. Everything, like the cars and the house and the clothes and we have the new phones and like, so it's worth it. And so I think my mom, I have no idea how she lives with herself. Yeah. Because there's no way for you to be sane and know this stuff and remain with him. Like to the day she's with him. Yeah, I believe that maybe she found out later on.

I mean, she must have. There were so many opportunities where I look back where she could have stopped it. Yeah. Like she could have literally saved me and she didn't. And then as you got older, I guess, let's say between 12 and 16 is when it stopped, right? Yeah, for a moment. Okay. As you got older, did the abuse change?

Yes. Up until he took my virginity, it was just like touching. or like oral. And what age did he take your virginity? 14. Okay. That was like a whole nightmare in itself because I, once again, like when I was sick and then he raped me. It was literally right after that.

Okay. Like maybe a month right after that happened. But that day, I was going into my freshman year. So it was in the summer. And my aunt lives right next door to us. So she had like the big pool. and we would have the barbecues every day outside and like the family functions. And this was 2009.

So at this point, I was begging him for a phone. I was like, I want, you know, I'm the only one in my grade that doesn't have a cell phone. Like everyone had like the iPhone or some kind of phone and I didn't have anything. And I was begging him for years for a phone. And he would, oh, and from the time that I had asked him for a phone, he was just like, he made it a big deal. He was like, that's something huge. Like, if I gave you that, you have to give me something. So for years, like, I put it off because I was like, no, like, I'm okay.

I don't need a phone. But at this point, I was like, I don't want to be a freshman and not have a phone. So, but I also, I wasn't prepared for this to happen either because it was, I want to say right before, like, right before school started, we had like a last, like, bang your party. And so me and my sister and my cousins, we were all in the pool, like all day. And then my family's like grilling and they're all outside, like drinking or whatever. And then it was getting late. So I got out of the pool and I walked to my house to get in the shower. Well, I started walking in and I grabbed my clothes to get in the shower. And then he slammed the door. He was right behind me. I had no idea. He was right behind me at this point.

And he shoved me in my room, I think, and shut the door. And he was like, he was like acting like fast. He was like, carry up here. But like, we have like a few minutes. I'm like, what's happened? Like, what do you mean? And he was just like, it's going to happen. And I was just like, no, I'm not ready.

And he was like, well, school's about to start and you want a phone, don't you? And I was just like, and I remember just at this moment, just like everyone was outside. here we go again where everyone's out there and he wouldn't touch me or come anywhere near me with family. It was always like at night. You know what I mean? So like me thinking like there's a party outside, like I'm safe. Like I can go to my own house to shower. Like I'm going to be safe.

Yeah. You know, I wasn't obviously. And so I did kind of put up a fight and he just threw me on the floor. And then that was when he vaginally raped me. And so I remember laying there when he was done and, A, being in so much pain and also feeling like literally nothing. Like I, like there's no point in life anymore. Like this is my life. This is who I am.

just a piece to him, a piece for him to use. And then from then on, I didn't even care about the phone. I went into like a deep, deep depression. And I developed like panic disorder and agoraphobia. And I was just so messed up. Because at that point, like, you would think that I would have been like accustomed to all the molestation and the abuse. up until that point, but like that rape literally just made me feel like nothing.

Like, not even like, oh, I feel, I mean, I did feel gross and stuff, but it was just like, I don't know, I started to spiral. Like there's, like this, this is literally my life. If you have tried everything to lose weight and you're still just feeling stuff, I am here to tell you that this summer is about to be different. Weight loss by hers is designed to help support you in reaching your goals with an access of affordable range FDA-approved GLP-1 medications

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and I feel like I had enough. Yeah. And at that point, I was like, not struggling, but trying to figure out my identity and like, you know, in school. And like, I was a freshman sophomore. And I was like, well, this is what men do. And he conditioned me that this is what men do. He would tell me like, when you're older, guys are only going to want one thing.

And is this. So, yeah. I mean, I always had like crushes on boys and stuff, but like I was always scared to be with one. And so he was the only person you had been with up until 16. Yes. Okay. Yeah. And then you never told anybody?

Nope. Not a single soul. Not even like my sister, like friends, nothing. But I started to like date this one girl in school who was older than me. She was a senior. And so to me that was. was new. That was like, this is something crazy. This is something that, like, I have to keep a secret. So I told her, like, right away. Like, hey, this is happening at home. Like, I know

it's not normal, but, like, has this ever happened to you? Because I was, like, confused, like, not understanding. Because this is how I was raised. Right. So growing up, I was always wondering, like, does this happen to people, too? Like, I would look at all my classmates and be like, I wonder if something happens to them. Or I never looked at a father and daughter dynamic and not wonder. Right. Always. So I remember telling her one night, just like it all came out and she looked at me like she was horrified.

And I was just like, is what? Right. And she was like, I remember begging her like, don't tell anyone. Like I just, I needed to tell. But like, don't tell anyone. And we hung out that weekend, a weekend. And the next day at school, she told the guidance counselor, like, right away. Like, it wasn't the first bell didn't even ring.

Yeah. Like, we saw each other, got off the bus. We were like, hi, went to homeroom. And next thing, you know, I'm getting called down. We had, like, a sheriff's office in my school. And they called me down to his room. And then from there on, it was just like, oh, like this is real. Yeah.

Like, this isn't, it's not, not normal. And that moment, that, like, that situation was a whole other trauma in itself because he, the sheriff took me to the barrack station. And then I was there for 14 hours. Just going through everything. By myself. Which I don't even. even know at this point and thinking back on it i don't even know if that was legal yeah like yeah so i got there like 8 a.m at school no 7 30 and then 8 a.m and then i got to the police station

and then i remember being picked up at 10 p.m or 11 p.m. by my mom and she was furious fuming like and in that those hours i was alone you know i was in an interrogation room i was talking to at least like 10 different people, like child protective services and like so many detectives and police officers and like so many different women and like at one point they wanted me to go get a pap smear, which it, I think I denied it. Like I was like, no. But then later on it was like court ordered, which I didn't know that was a thing. So it was court order for me to get a pap smear. And in the results, it showed like scarring and stuff. And still, my mom was just like looking at me like, well, it's because you're a whore.

Like. Yeah. But that day at the barracks, like I said, it was traumatizing because, A, I was alone and repeating my story over and over into all these people. And then. Was there any part of you that was relieved that you were finally telling people? I was. but then I was petrified.

I was so scared. Like the aftermath. Yeah, because like, I think like halfway through one of the sheriffs came in and was like, he wants to talk to you, like my dad. And I was just like, okay. And they gave me a phone. And he was just like, hey, meha, what's going on? And I was just like, nothing.

And he was just like, why do you do this? And I remember saying to him, I don't know. And he was like, yeah, but why would you lie? And I was just like, I didn't lie. And he was like, yeah, you did. And he was like, now, because at this point, the sheriff's told me that they had him in a hold and cell. So they picked them up from work and I guess they'd tame them right away. And but on the phone, he was just the whole time gilting me.

And I can hear him crying. And he was just like, why did you do this? He was like, our life is over. Right. He was just scared. Yeah. And I was at that point, like, up until then, I was, I was feeling confident because all these, like, detectives and officers were reassuring me that I was doing the right thing. And, like, I'm going to be okay.

I'm going to be safe. And they kept saying, like, don't worry. Like, he's gone now. Like, he's away. So I was, like, feeling more comfortable, like, finally talk and finally release and, you know, everything. all like everything and then up into when he called me and he was just like everything changed like for me it was just like oh my god what did i do yeah so then we hung up and i say for another few hours i don't even know why why they had me there for so long and my mom finally came to pick me up at like

10 or 11 o'clock. And the look on her face was like, I did the worst thing in the world. She immediately was just like stonewalling, would not look at me, was so upset. You could tell she was crying and wouldn't say anything to me in front of the cops or anything. And then I remember the cops even looking at me like worried that I was going home to her. And then when we finally got in the car and we like pulled out of the police station. We lived literally like three minutes from the police station too. So those three minutes was like hours it felt like. And when we finally pulled into our driveway, she turned the car off and then locked the doors and was like, give me your phone. And I was like, why? And she was like, give me your phone. And I gave her my phone. And she was like, that's it.

Like, you have nothing. Like, I'm calling to disconnect the internet. No TV. No, you're not going to go to school. Like, basically punishing me. So then I didn't go to school for two weeks. I was a baby. They were, I had to be dropped off at different people's houses so they can watch me.

And I couldn't stay home for those two weeks. So she, because she was like, you're not on vacation. Like, this is in a break from school. Like, so I remember the very next day, she, She was taking me to my grandma's house so my grandma can watch me while my mom went to work. And we passed the police barracks. And she pulled over and was sobbing hysterically and was like, we have to get him out of there. We have he doesn't deserve it to be in there.

We have to get him out. And then she was looking at me. And she was like, we have to get him out. And I was just like, okay, okay. And then she like composed herself and then dropped me off at my grandma's house. And then she didn't go to work. It was like an interrogation where my grandma was there. My aunts were there.

My grandpa, my uncle, like all waiting for us to get there. And then it was all like a, all right, now we have to come up with a plan to get him out. So then my mom had to get a lawyer. And the lawyer came up with a story to recant to take everything back. And he came up with a really good story and it made sense. And so I had to go to court and tell everyone basically it was a lie. And I remember the detectives looking at me and being like, no, it's not. Yeah.

From what they told me, they were like, this is, this can't be a lie. Like they were like, you gave so many details. You gave, he was like, your story was everything that you were telling us. like it he was like I know it's not a lot and I was just like I had no like I felt like I had no choice because I was terrified of my mother and she kept telling me if I don't do this we're going to lose the house we're going to be homeless we're not going to have anything and I'm thinking at that point like if we do lose that like we can't stay with our grandparents like we can't stay somewhere or like because she kept saying like my work isn't enough to pay the more

on this house and pay for your fancy. And like every like the way she was like talking down to me. So I mean, I did what I was told by the lawyer and by her and everyone in my family who guilted me and everyone blamed me. My grandma at one point looked at me and was like, you knew what you were doing. She was like, you were old enough. You could have said no. And I was just like.

So like hearing those weren't. and like hearing my mom call me like dirty and a slut and nasty and just like hearing all these words and I believed it. Yeah. And part of me kind of still does to this day. That's why like I'm in therapy. It's not obviously a child's fault. I'm always going to feel that.

Always going to feel that shame and that disgust and that guilt because their words did like damage me, like did make an impact in my head. And it was years and years of that same notion. Yes. Yeah. So. You can't unravel all of those years in one year of therapy or even two years. You know, it takes time. And I mean, especially, like, if it was the other way around and say it was like a complete 180 and everyone had my back and everyone was supportive, then obviously I feel like I would have healed and I wouldn't feel guilty and I wouldn't feel shame.

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In the Hispanic culture, you're all just like together. Every single day you see each other. Like my mom leaves work and goes straight to my grandma's house and like it hangs there for a few hours. And like we see them on the weekends. Like we're always together. We're always close. And like at one point my grandma said to me that she said to my mom, why do you let her go driving with him? Because when I turn like 15 or 16 or no, maybe like 14, he was teaching me to drive and I was like 11.

And he would always take me out driving. But as I got older, it was no longer driving lessons because I already knew how to drive. So it was because he had been taking me driving since I was like 11, no one looked at it as a weird situation. But then when the rape finally happened, then when he would take me out driving, it was rape. Like every time he would take me out, I would get raped. Like, I would drive for a little bit. And then he would tell me, oh, go here, go here. And then, like, I thought we were just exploring places.

But it was, like, woods or, like, abandoned parking lots. And then he would rape me. And then we would go home. But, like, I did drive. You know what I mean? So at one point, my grandma told me that she, this was when she was belittling me. And she was like, I even told your mother, like, why do you? let her go driving with him when you know what's happening.

And I remember thinking in that moment, so then you knew at that point and you didn't do anything. And then, but it also to say that. Right. So then you knew and then you said something to my mother. So then she knew. And then once again, nothing was done. Yeah. So then like everyone knows this is happening to me and no one's doing anything.

And no one is, if it's not me, like say it's like, fuck me. What about my sister? You know what I mean? But I mean, that's a whole other can of worms with her. So after the court, you said you, everything was a lie. And then did the abuse stop for a period of time? Well, yeah, when he was gone. He did get arrested.

He was charged with like agassol and rape and all these things and neglect. And he was gone for like at least, at least like seven months. Okay. He was gone. And that was up until the court date? Like in between there was, there was many court dates. Gotcha. Okay.

And then at the final one, you said you just were like. No, all those court dates was because I was Rain Canton. And the state of New Jersey didn't believe me. Okay. So we had to like keep going back, keep going back. Because they firmly believed my story. Right. And they didn't believe the recantation story.

They didn't believe that part. So that's why we had to keep going to court. Gotcha. Okay. So that's why the process took so long. I mean, it wasn't long enough. But like, so in that span of time, he was out of the house. we were fine.

You know what I mean? Like financially, it was just But those whole seven months my mom like wouldn't look at me. Like wouldn't. She would make me feel like shit. If I needed something, she was like, well, your father's gone.

So who's going to buy you that now? Or like, meanwhile, she worked. You know, my family works. My family has money. Like anyone could have helped. But the whole punishment was just to make me feel terrible, which worked those whole seven months, I felt like shit. And in those seven months, I got really bad with my anxiety and my panic disorder.

And I would have panic attacks like every day, all day long at school. And the nurse would call my mom to come get me and then the nurse would be like, oh, she said she can't or like she said to tell you that you're fine. And I would have these panic attacks. and my mom would look at me and she would just be like, why are you doing that? Or like, you're crazy. The thing about me to them was I was the crazy one. Like I was told I'm crazy my entire life. Like literally those words, you're just crazy. Like, even when I was like a little kid, I was like so rambunctious and like hyper and I could never sit still. And part

of me wonders like, is it because I couldn't? Like I didn't want to sit still with my thoughts. Or maybe I was just a hyper kid, but even then it was just like, she's the problematic child. Like she's the crazy one. She's the black sheep. Like we just, let's not pay attention to her. And so my sister got all the light, like all the love. And my sister got all the affection from my mother. My mother never gave me any affection ever.

Like she would hug me and tell me she loves me on like my birthday or Christmas. That's it. But I would physically watch her like hug my sister and be like, oh, I love you, blah, blah, and like be cuddly with her. And like, and I remember just yearning for that. I wanted that so bad. And I would like purposely sit on the couch next to my mom, like so close to see if she will touch me. Because I would see her like wrap her arm around my sister or like caress her or like something. With me, it was just like, disgust.

Like, why are you next to me? Or like. But to this day, I feel like this need to protect her for some reason. And I don't know why. Because all these years, he was like the main focal point. Like he was the monster. And so I never looked at the reality of the fact that, no, she also was a monster. Yeah.

And my therapist believes. that my mother was worse than my father because she had an obligation to protect me and she didn't. Like she was supposed to be my mother and the one to be there for me, especially if you knew something or had a inkling that maybe something was happening and you just didn't do anything. But yeah, like it's just, it's something that I don't think you, are supposed to understand because it is not normal, you know, and that is not a reflection of you. That is solely a reflection of her. And I think that, I mean, to me, I think she probably didn't want to be close to you because she viewed you as a competition.

And that's disgusting. And I don't know what, I don't know, I don't think we'll ever understand why anybody would view. their child that way. But once again, and it's horrible, you know, and you deserve so much more from a mother and to have that experience that your sister had from her. And it's not fair. But I don't think it's something that anyone will ever understand because I don't believe that somebody, I think that somebody that acts that way is off. I think something's wrong mentally. I don't think that I don't, you know, I'm no doctor, but something's not right there. And I think that all you needed was protection and help and support and to come out about something like that.

And not have that from a mother is extremely damaging. Yeah, my therapist says it's one of my biggest wounds, like the mother wound. it's obviously way bigger than his because it's completely different those are two completely different types of traumas and hurt and pain and betrayal because it's like you can get to a point I think at one one way or another to be like oh he was sick he had problems thank god we weren't blood related not that that makes it any better but like you said you have these these separations these things that you can kind of grasp but like then I think when it comes comes to a mom, it's like, why was I not good enough? That's like thoughts, I think, that we as

humans have. Like, why didn't she love me more than that? And that is something that is just so there's a, like the child version in you that it's just, how do you heal that? You know? Right. I don't think I ever will. Like, I drive myself crazy trying to understand so bad, like, her. Like, I want to understand her. I don't think you can because I think you have your. brain and then you have her brain and her brain is not operating there we can't understand like that's like trying to understand a pedophile you know you can't and it's like she has something else going on there for whatever reason who the fuck knows you know but like and that that boils down to her you know we could say what happened to her what's going on with her what why does she

So many questions. So many. I mean, I could sit here and ask a million, you know. And I do. I ask my therapist like, oh, well, maybe she was abused or like maybe she was also being manipulated by him and groomed by him in some way to. Because obviously growing up, they both desensitized or they both try so hard to desensitize sex. Right. But even them doing it in front of you in the car.

Yeah. And like even before that, like I literally just brought this memory up to my therapist the other day because. I like the more I think about my mother like like like I put him in a box I'm in therapy did the work for him like he's done like you know what I mean like I'm healed not healed but like I'm okay right you've been able to kind of sort through that a little bit easier now it's like now we're shifting to the mother wound and I'm realizing more and more how perverted this woman is and right before in that time period where we moved from California to New Jersey. My stepdad must have stayed in California for a little bit while we were in Jersey settling in. And my mom was having an affair with some rando. And this memory that I have so vividly, I was probably maybe like six at this point.

She's getting railed by this guy and he's asking me to look at them. And she's there just like either laughing or obviously Barton. participating or and that I'm like that in itself is a trauma yeah like a hundred percent but that goes to show that I just think that there's something that goes way beyond you know that the situation with your stepdad and even that other guy that there's a switch off in her brain that didn't see anything wrong with that when there is that is absolutely horrible and disgusting so it's like and obviously And I mentioned this before within my own life and on the podcast.

I think we always want an answer. I think that's kind of where we get our closure. But sometimes we have to learn to heal with no answer. That's been my healing like journeys trying to realize that I'm not going to get an answer. Yeah. Like this is just who she is, obviously. But I want answers so bad. Yeah.

Because I have stepkids and I cannot. It doesn't make sense to me. Like I can't, and especially because my oldest is 15. So now she's at the age where I was being raped. So when she turned, I remember when she turned nine, I was like, oaf, this is when I gave oral for the first time. And then when she turned like 14, I was like, ooh, this is when I was raped. So like watching her grow up is like not like retramatizing me,

but it's making me like see the different. Yeah. And I'm like, this is literally a normal upbringing with my stepdaughter. And like, she's never going to know pain. She's never going to know what sexual abuse is. And like, so I'm trying to understand, like, how a man does this to a kid. And like, gets up in the morning, goes to work, you know. Literally everyone in my family loves him. Like, he's a good guy. You know what I mean? Like, he would give you the shit off his back. like if you asked him. But at night, he's obviously like this demented human being. So, but I'm like, well, I think that's the issue too is I think another reason why you're probably seeking answers so badly is because every single person in your family is basically so cool with him, taking his back.

And I think that can create a serious confusion. Well, they're all sick, I feel. A hundred percent. There's no doubt about that. There has to be some level of sickness for you to not only, like, co-exist with this man, but, like... Did you cut them all off? Basically, yeah. I don't have any...

I mean, like, I talk to my mom to this day because of my guilt. And, like... And what is the relationship? It's so weird. It's so off. Like, there's always tension there, like, when she calls me or I call her or, like, the last time I talked to her was literally Mother's Day. I just texted her. Happy Mother's Day. And then she was like, I love you. Every time she texted me, it's,

I love you. But that's something that I, it's so hard for me to just like cut her off. I literally have no idea why I just can't. Like my literally last therapy session was like, my therapist was like, what are you scared of? And my answer was to hurt her feelings. And it's like, to the average person, they're like, hello, she hurt you. But to me, I'm like, Yeah, but I literally have no idea why I just, I guess I'm still in the mother wound heel. Yeah, and I think you'll get there with your own time. I don't think, I mean, we could all sit here and like try to grill it in you, you know, from an outside perspective, but it won't change anything. I mean, I, it's not that I want to cut her off.

I want her to know fully to the extent of my pain. I don't think she ever will. Or I don't think she would care. So then if that's the case, then what's the point? Like, why cut her off then? Like, what is that going to get me? I think because she needs to fucking go. And I'm a huge believer in what's in your life, even if it's a little bit here and there.

It's something, I think you're holding on to a part of that part of your life by her being there. I don't think she deserves to be in your life. Well, no. And I think that in a way, it's protecting your peace. I think the stupid I love you texts. make you question things again. It sets you right back of like, well, how can she say, you know, it's the questions. And if she's not there and it's not a constant reminder or even a quick conversation that seems harmless, it's still there.

She needs to fucking go. But that's, you know, that's just me being a disgusted, you know. A normal human being? Yes. But I think, you know, like I said, that's something that is going to be in your own time. And maybe you never will. And that's fine too. There's no right or wrong. I just think that by having that person at all in your circle to any degree, even if it's a little bit, it has an influence. It has an effect. Well, it's also the part that my therapist grills and tries the girl to me that I have no self-respect by maintaining a relationship with her.

I wouldn't say that. And my sister. Like, I don't think it comes down to self-respect. I think it comes down to. your healing and your pain and you're your you're your your your your eight it's the child in you you're you're trying to still get that that attention from your mom like you want that as the child i think i think if you were to be in a situation self-respect in my opinion comes from present moment if you were in a situation somebody's disrespecting you and you should just say and go back and go back i'd say yeah you probably don't really have a lot of self-respect for yourself i don't know you know who you are obviously outside of this situation but i don't think that this situation displays self-respect.

You are dealing with years and years of deep trauma and a child wanting to be loved and validated and supported by their mother. So I just think it's a completely different. Which I still hold out like so bad. Yeah, like you said, when I get text from her, like I love you or when she sends me money or it's like it is like expectations that I know they're not real. Like everyone calls it blood money, like her giving blood money. And they're like, take it.

They're like, how are you all take it? But they're like, it doesn't mean anything. It's her guilt, which I mean, make, I mean, I firmly believe it is like her trying to. But then again, it's like the way we were raised materialistic. Like love is nothing to them. Love is conditional. Like if you're not doing something for them, you're nothing. Right.

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Don't put too much pressure on yourself either. Like the mother wound, the father. And then on top of that, it's like, there's a sister wound with my sister. And it's the thing is like none of these things have timelines, you know? Like, there is no time that is right to sort through these things or understand them. So like, obviously, as humans, we're going to have our days where we're like hard on ourselves and we're like, why can't I get over this? You know what I mean?

But you're doing the work. By going to therapy, talking about it, coming here, talking to. about it, you're doing the work. And that's all that matters. I feel like I was doing the work. Like, I was in it and I was healing and I was doing so good. And then a few years ago, she called me to tell me that she was marrying him. And that like, that like cut me deeper than I didn't even realize it could. Yeah. Because it was like once again. Right. Like you're choosing him once again. And it's horrible, but it's also normal that that set you back. Just keep going.

She will never, look, maybe she will. I don't think someone like that can change. Even if she did, I still don't think she deserves you at all. I don't, there's people that shouldn't be mothers and she's one of them. Oh, yeah. You know? I don't think she deserves me just as much as I don't think my sister does either. But you can't worry about it.

that. Different situations. I am a big believer and it's okay to be selfish in certain ways in your life. And I think that in my opinion, I would focus on that aspect of healing. Me, you know, who am I? What do I need? What do I love? Like, and that doesn't mean you don't care for your mom or your sister. That doesn't mean you don't love them. That doesn't mean you don't have guilt, shame, whatever, one, the best, whatever it might be. You can still have. all those things, but priority needs to be you. You can't think about anyone else. And that's that. I mean, we have one life to live. And you were dealt some shitty fucking cards in the beginning, you know, but you have the power now to change that for yourself, whatever that may

look like. And there might be days and that, and if that looks like involving them in your life, so fucking be it, but just make sure that you're still putting the most amount of energy that you can into yourself. I don't think I can do that, like give myself energy and love and also have like a relationship with them. And then that's when you have to get to that decision of like, okay, I need to make the tough decision of just right now. And that's a thing. Nothing has to be a forever thing. But right now, I can't talk to them. Whether that's for two weeks, two months, two years, 20 years, we'll get there.

But right now, I'm making the decision to work on me and work through this. And then one day, if you bring them back in and you start to feel these weird negative feelings creep back in, cut it off again. Because this is your life. This is not their life. And you can care about them without making it about them. This is not about them. They, you know, your mom chose her bed.

She continues to choose that. Literally. Yeah. continues every single day. Yeah. And like, has she ever said sorry to you? No. To go back to when the night where I told everything to my high school girlfriend,

I have no idea how it was literally such a coincidence that I was out with my girlfriend and I told her all of this stuff. And then I came home because we had school the next day. And it was like, I don't even, it was so weird not like when I think about it. My mom was in the basement doing laundry and she called me down and was like, do you have something to tell me? And I'm just like, mind you, right now, I'm like, in that moment, my adrenaline's going because I just told my girlfriend all this stuff.

So I'm like, what do you know? Like, you know? So I'm like, what? Nothing. And she's like, I know you know that I know. And I'm like, and she's like, and she's like, and at that, moment when she looked at me with those devil eyes, I ran. Like ran and this woman caught up to me, grabbed me and threw me in one of the rooms in the basement and locked the door and was like,

we're not leaving until you tell me everything. And then I started crying like. And did you? Yeah, I told her everything. And then that was the moment that she called me a whore, disgusting, and basically said this was all my fault. And she was like, how could you do this to me? You're my daughter. And don't you love so and sell the girl that I was with and like, don't you feel disgusted, like, doing this? And then going to go hang out with her and like saying like the most heinous shit to me. And I remember thinking like if in the moment where she was like, tell me everything.

And I remember that one moment, I'm like, finally, like, you're about to save me. Yeah. Like, I'm about to tell you everything. You're going to be like, all right, what can we do? No, it was like the exact opposite. And then she was like, don't say anything. I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to handle this.

And I was like, what do you mean? And she's like, don't worry about it. But just know that it's not going to happen again because you're going to do your own thing and you're going to ignore him and you're not going to look at him. And I remember asking her, like, well, is he going to leave? Like, what's going to happen? And she's like, we'll figure it out. So when after he got out after the seven months, you were still living at home?

Yeah. Yeah. 16, 17, maybe. And what age did you end up moving out? 19. So from when he got out, the abuse continued again? Yeah. It continued a few months after he was released.

Did he say anything to you? Yeah. Okay. When he came out, when he came out, when he. he came home it was like a family reunion and everyone was there to like welcome him home and it's great yeah okay and so everyone's crying everyone's excited and then i'm feeling overwhelmed because this is awkward as fuck what the fuck is happening yeah so i'm like overwhelmed i'm crying because everyone's crying and everyone's excited that he's home you know he's finally home okay

Meatball, do you hear this? Do you hear this? This is crazy. Can I say fuck your family or like that? No, for sure. Okay. Okay. Continue. So everybody's so glad that he's back. Okay. And he literally was released on a Friday night. So he has never been home on the weekend. Like he always works, you know. The only time he was home growing up was just Sundays and now is to go to church, you know. Good Christian man. Oh, yeah, he's a great Catholic, like the best. So, yeah, he works six days a week, 50, 60 hours, and then Sunday was church day. But he was released on Friday night.

And then Saturday, it was like awkward because everyone was home. Like, to me, it was just like, what do we do? Yeah. And I think my mom went to, my mom had left early in the morning to go do something. I literally don't know. She was gone. And I am awakened. buy the smell of bacon and eggs and I'm like, okay?

So then I go downstairs to the kitchen and he's cooking. And I'm like, this man is never cooked. He's the kind, our family is the kind where you attend to the man. You know, he doesn't lift the finger. You give him his plate and whatever. So he was cooking and I was just like, oh my God. So then I sat on the counter while he's cooking. And he was just like talking to me and like about how he's reformed.

And jail taught him so much. And he read the Bible like six times in jail. And he was doing Bible studies. And he was just like, I'm a new person. I'm a new man. And he's looking at me. We're eye level because I'm sitting on the counter. So he's like looking at me with tears in his eyes.

And I'm like falling for it because mind you, now I'm like, 16, my dad's back, my family's back. He's telling me everything that I've ever wanted to hear. He's like, I just want you to know that I'm so sorry for everything that I've ever done to you. And he's like, just know it's never going to happen again. Like, we're okay. And then while he's trying to be like emotional and like saying all the right things, he slips in. but things aren't going to be the same anymore.

And I'm like, what do you mean? He was like, I'm not going to be able to provide things for you anymore. And I'm thinking like, well, did you get fired? And he was just like, well, things have to be different. Like if this isn't going to happen anymore, we're going to live a completely different life. And I'm like, okay. Like to me, that was perfect. That was like great.

He apologized. He acknowledged what he did to me. He was cooking. Like, he was talking about the Bible. He was talking about he's a different man. So I'm like, I'm, my life is perfect. You know what I mean? Like the beast is going to stop.

So then that night, my mom grabs me and him. And she's like, all right, the three of us need to talk about life moving forward. And then she looks at me and she's like, you're not going to go to him about anything. If you need anything, you go to me. If you need clothes, if you need a ride, if you need to do something, you go to me. He no longer exists to provide for you. And I was just like, okay. And then she's like looking at him and she's like, you don't look at her.

You don't talk to her when I'm not around. And like, everything was so like, yeah. So then I'm like, okay, I'm like on cloud nine. I'm a junior now in high school. And I'm going to like football games every Friday night. and I'm hanging out with my friends because now I have freedom because my mom didn't give a fuck about me. So she would let me do anything. And then so mind you, like now these last seven months of him being in Jomi being free and then he's back and he's a complete different man,

I'm like slowly building my confidence and like figuring out who I am and I guess trying to heal from the trauma. And one day, I had rescued a kitty, like a little tabby cat. It was probably like four weeks old. And I rescued it because it was outside of my house crying next to her mom's dead body. So I don't know what happened. But so then I rescued the kitty and I took care of her. And then so she became mine.

And so she was my cat. And then like weeks later, she was like biting some cords, like computer cords and must have pooped. threw up and my dad threw a fit and he was just like if you don't grab that cat and take her all outside i'm gonna blah blah blah blah blah and i'm like getting defenses i'm like this is my cat so then i'm like i'm yelling at him and he's yelling at me but he's at the kitchen table and i'm in the limer room sitting and he starts to walk up towards me yelling at me and mind you this man has never yelled like he has never raised his voice he's just he's just like a calm he's like a paradox

Like he's just a calm, real, I've never seen him mad. I've never seen him yell. But then he's like yelling at me and charging at me. And so then now he's like standing over me when I'm on the couch and he's yelling at me. And then I stand up to like confront him because at this point I'm not scared of him. And he slaps me across the face. And he has never, ever hit me, ever. And when he slapped me, I just remember.

like seeing red and being like, no. And I started punching him like as hard as I could. And at this point, I'm like wailing on him. And he's not, he's literally taken the punches. He's just like standing there. And it was like a surreal moment because it was like, was he standing there because he felt like he deserved it. So he was just letting me let my anger out. And then my mom got in the middle and was like this. Like, no, no, no. It starts screaming. And my sister's crying. and my mom's crying and I'm crying because he just slapped me and he's crying because I'm crying. It was a shit show. So when my mom like, because at this point she was trying to separate us and I was kicking my mom to get to him.

And I remember like I was trying to go around her to punch him in the face and I kept hitting him. And she was obviously catching strays. And it finally like, she finally like grabbed me and like contained. me and I remember looking at her or looking through her to look at him and being like, I remember threatening him like watch now, like watch what's going to happen to you. Like, and he was like terrified. And I ran to my room crying hysterical, called my grandma, like, can you come get me? My dad just hit me.

And she was just like, yeah, yeah, I'll be right there. She never showed up, literally, never showed up. Like, I was alone on my own. And I remember barricaded the door because I was so mad. And I, because after I ran to my room, he followed me. Apologizing, like crying the whole time following me. And I locked the door and barricaded it. I have no idea how he opened it, let himself in.

It was just like, tears running down in his face. Like, me, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you. I don't know what happened. I didn't mean to hit you. I told you I will never touch you again. And I'm so sorry.

And at this point, my mom is right behind him, trying to grab him, like, leave her alone. Like, get out. And that was, I want to say still maybe September when this happened. Because he was home probably like not even a few weeks when this incident occurred. So I. I stopped talking to him altogether, wouldn't look at him, literally would pretend he wasn't in the room. Basically, what my mom would do to me growing up, like, I just did that.

Like, I guess I just learned her behaviors. And I pretended he wasn't there. And he would talk to me and I just wouldn't look at him. And he would be so upset that I was ignoring him. And so this happened all the way up until my birthday is in December and his birthday is a few days. after my birthday. So we'd always have like a big thing. So it was now a couple months where we're like not talking at all. I'm ignoring him. And he's still trying and he's still crying and he's still crying. And we were, we left church. It was right before my birthday. So we left church. And then

we're at the mall. And then he comes up to me. And he like goes like this. He's like, do you miss me? And I was just like, no. And he was just like, oh, well, I miss. you and I don't like us fighting and I don't like not talking to you and he was like I just miss my daughter and he's crying in the middle of the mall just crying telling me how much she misses me and he's like I just want you know that I'm really sorry like I shouldn't have hit you and I was just like okay and he hugs me and I just hug him back and then he's crying so then I'm crying and then my mom walks up and she's happy that we're like good that we're all like a good happy We had family again.

So she's like tearing up. My sister's tearing up. And so I started to feel guilty like I'm the one that put this like put a urdin in the family when he was just released and everything was good again. And he was a saved man. And I decided to be the one to make things, you know, shitty. So then I started to feel guilty because he was crying literally all the time. And then literally that same day when he hugged me and was like apologizing later that night he came into my room, which I had like now it's maybe almost a year now of no abuse. So I was like finally feeling safe and secure in my own bedroom.

He came into my room. At night? Yeah. And he was just like, I've missed you all these months. and I just want you to know how much I love you and how you're still my daughter no matter what. And I'm like listening to him and like, like, I believed everything he said to me, like how much he loved me and like how he's like, even though you're not my kid, just know that you'll always be my kid and you always be my daughter. And so he's like telling me all these nice words. And then little by little starts reaching under the covers and then start to take, he starts to take my.

pants off and I was just like like this like it was like this lasted it didn't even last long enough like the when like meaning like the like the period of grace that I received when he came back from jail it was like three months and I'm like now we're going back to this like all I had was three months of no like I had a father for the first time in my life I had a father and now hour like now this is over like did you say anything to him as this was happening or it just no i just remember just literally i froze like because i couldn't believe that this was happening again like i literally believed him when he said he would never do this again and how sorry he was and like how did he say anything after he did it again or did he just get up and leave uh no the whole time he's like

at this point taking my pants off and then raping me he's telling me how much he loves me and how much he missed me the whole time. And then when he left, I cried. Literally, I remember crying the whole night because I couldn't. I was like heartbroken. Like, this is happening again. Like, and I was just like, what am I going to do? Like, him going to jail was what I needed to feel safety. And then you came back and apologized to me and showed me for three months that you were capable of not doing this. And I believed it. And I fell for it.

And then I was just, it was just like the ultimate betrayal. And then it was back to the normal abuse, I guess, from that time until you were 19. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because now at this point, I graduate high school. And I didn't, I didn't go to college. I went, I started working.

Okay. So I graduate, obviously, in June of 2012, and the abuse is still happening. And then I met some girl at work, and we started dating. And I remember telling her, like, not right away, like telling her, like, a little bit later, like, into the relationship, I told her everything. And she was just like, right in that moment, she was like, that's it. She was like, you're not going back to the house. And she went to go, I was at her house. So I was at her family's house.

And then she got up and then went to go tell her stepfather what happened, like everything that I was telling her. And he was just like, all right, we'll go tomorrow and we get all her things. And so then that night, I slept with her at her house. And the very next morning, literally early as hell, it was me, her cousin, her best friend, and her stepdad, all in a truck, going to my house to go to get all my belongings and leave. And at this point, like, my mom is home and my dad's home and they have no idea what's happening. But my girlfriend, her stepdad is like, he's like six feet. five huge guy, like tattoos everywhere, beard.

He looks like a biker guy. So they're just like, they're not the type to be like, what are you doing in my house? No, they just were just literally saw us coming into the house. And they're throwing stuff out the window to his truck. Like I'm out. Yeah, like my mom finally like she waited until my room was clear. Okay. Because they finally realized I was moving.

So she like, she must have been like e-shop. or waiting for everyone to leave, and me and my ex were in the room. And she came up to me and she's like, so you're leaving? And I was just like, yeah, like, I'm out. My name is Peter Parker, but I'm also Spider-Man. This July, we're faced with a threat. That can be anyone. The world may have forgotten Peter Parker.

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Here we go. Someone's already claiming this is our year. Someone else said that last year, too. A round of James and ginger and lime arrives at the table. Smooth enough for kickoff, smooth enough for extra time. New friends pulling up a stool. Debates about whether that was a handball. Cheers rising like a roar around the room.

because match days are about the shared moments. How did Jameson to your match day line up? Jameson, it's what you bring. Please enjoy our products responsibly. And she looked at me and she was just like shaking her head and she was just like, I don't know what she said, but I remember saying to her like, you're disgusting to her. And she looked at me and she said, no, you're disgusting. And I was just like, okay.

And then he didn't say. anything to me. He wouldn't even look at me. And yeah, we packed the truck and I moved into her little bedroom in their house and that's how I got away and never went back. And then when did you start getting into therapy to kind of start getting through everything? When I moved here and found my life. And what age was at? 22. Okay. So pretty soon after, not too long after. Yeah, me and me and that girl were dating for like four years and we were just like trauma bonded. Yeah. Because she had her own trauma.

And but like to this day like, you know, I give everything to her. Like she's the one who literally, literally saved my life. Yeah, got you out of there. So like we still keep in touch and, you know, I will love her to the day I die. And so we have a good relationship. But the reason why I also left Jersey and left her was because I'm like, I was still in the dysfunction. Like, I was still seeing my family every single day. Like, I would see him every day.

And, like, we got back to a really, like, a relationship. Obviously, like, the abuse was not happening. But, like, he would, like, come up to me and, like, hug me and kiss me in the cheek. And, like, and I remember just being, like, I. I can't live here. Like, either I'm going to kill myself or I have to physically move. Yeah. Like, not even move a town over.

Like, I literally have to move miles and miles away from this darkness. Yes. Because, like, my ex, my ex wanted a kid so bad with me. But, like, I remember thinking, I can't have a kid. Like, and what? He's going to hold my kid. Right. Like, because in that moment or in that time frame, I was in the dysfunction.

So I would like, that was my family. Like, I loved them and like, I would go to church with them till, like, still to that day. Like, I would always go to church with them and like, go out with them and, you know, go over to family functions and still just be involved in the family without the abuse. But like that is abuse. Yeah. And so, I mean, I. I was made out to be like the crazy one who disrupted the family anyways. So I met my wife online and I was like, this is literally my out.

Like, because I couldn't stay there. Like, I mean, and I have a lot of guilt also when it comes to that, like leaving my girlfriend and leaving my family to just. But I also knew, I know for a fact that I would have killed myself. Like there was no out. There was no, there was no light at the end of the tunnel, live it in that lifestyle. And then did you and him ever have a conversation again about the abuse or about what he did to you and how I made you feel? No. Does any of your family know you're here today telling your story?

No. No, not at all. And when I moved to Pittsburgh and started doing therapy, because my wife was like, you need help. Yeah. She was, she literally put me in therapy. She was like, you. So it was like two, three years into therapy. And she was just like, do you want to reopen the case?

Because Jersey doesn't have a state of limitation, like a statute of limitation. Gotcha. Okay. So I was just like, okay. Like, I'm in therapy. Like, I'm doing good. Like, I'm like, yeah, let's do it. How long ago was this?

2019. Okay. So 2019, I reopened the... That's for you. I, yeah, I reopened it and was like, hey, remember how I recanted? Yeah, that was a lie. Whatever I said the first time was true, but the recant, well, that was a lie. And so basically I had to do a whole deposition and literally give, basically,

what my statement when I was 16 like redo it and the detectives or the yeah the detectives even said to me like your story's in match like almost identical yeah from when you were 16 to I think I was like 25 right at that point when I gave my when I reopened the case so there were like once again like we believe you like we believe that he is a pedophile and also they they must have, when I reopened the case a few years ago, they were doing their own investigation and seeking out,

like, like going to family members and trying to get people to talk. And they found at least like five separate family members that he was either... And what does your mom think they're liars to? I don't... You know, it's fucked up.

My mom caught him one time texting one of my cousins. Like, all of my cousins were all the same age. But she blames, I guess. Them, right? Yeah, because, I mean, yeah, she's still with him. So, yeah, one time she caught him being like inappropriate with my cousin. And she like, I don't even know what happened there because I wasn't, my mom didn't tell me any of this.

He did. But then later on, like, when I reopened the case, the detectives told me, yeah, we found at least like five other family members that he either tried. Right. And I'm like, and those family members are still in touch with him. Crazy. So, but yeah, I reopened the case and it was like maybe two years when I got one last call from the attorney in Jersey who told me that they closed the case, that there wasn't enough evidence that they couldn't do anything. And I was just like, I remember being so upset because not only do you have my testimony, testimony who's basically the same as it was nine years ago, but you have these other people.

Right. You have more, like, but they're like, yeah, but we don't have concrete evidence. Like we need like literal physical evidence. And I'm like, okay. So he is a free man. And on top of all of this, he gained his citizenship because he was an innocent man in the system. So when this happened in 2000, I don't even know what year, like the first time when I was 16 years old, he was illegal. Right.

And so he was in jail. Like they were like threatening to support him. And so when I recanted it and did everything and he was released. not only did he get a pardon, but he got a citizenship. So he's living a grand life to this day, free, a free man. Do you have any contact with him? Do you talk to him over? No, I don't, I think, I think legally I'm not allowed to. Okay.

And I don't want to. Okay, but so you just talk to your mom and your sister still. Yeah. And then your sister, does she believe you? I don't, I don't know if that matters because she lives at home with them. So she just kind of stays out of it. Yeah, she's the type to, I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know about it.

I don't, because ill inconvenience her. Why is the last time that you saw them? My family. I saw my sister a year ago. And my mother, I haven't seen in like five years. I think it's been a bit. Yeah, I think so. Okay.

Yeah. And the whole situation with my sister is so it's like another wound that I don't. It's hard to navigate. That I don't, it's not, like, I don't want to open or I just like I don't want to deal with it because it's like a whole other heartbreak. Yeah. And two years ago when we were in L.A. And I got the opportunity to go on soft white, I told my sister. Like, I was excited.

I was like, oh, my God, I just got an email from Mark. And she quickly stopped me. She was like, I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know about it. She was like, and then that whole day, she was stonewalling, like literally just treating me like I did something wrong to upset her. Yeah. So then we were in L.A. for a few days.

And then the next day, I went to go do the interview. And she was like, I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know about it. And so then I took the Uber drive by myself for an hour to get to Mark. And then, like, if you don't want to hear about it, that's one thing. But like, you could have been in the car with me. Yeah. Or like you could have waited outside with me or like.

Not made it seem like you're doing something wrong. Yeah. If you don't hear it, that's fine. But like, at least be there. Yeah. No, the whole time she was just like ignoring me and basically treating. me like how my mom treated me. And then I did the interview. And then when I got back to the hotel, she was a completely different, she was fine, perfectly fine. I'm sure they saw the interview, right?

I don't know. I don't know if, no. No, that was two years ago. Okay. So I don't, I have no. I mean, I posted it to my socials. Like, did any family say anything to you? Yes. I had a few, a few family members reach out to me all of them saying like all saying good things like I'm so sorry like I couldn't believe

like I can't believe that happened to you the one my one cousin was like I always knew he was kind of creepy and like and then another family member was like

oh my God I feel so bad now going to their wedding if I knew that when did they get married two years ago like recently you didn't go no no no my mom called me

to ask for my blessing. Oh, God. Not like, hey, I got to tell you something. She was like, she was just like, Miha, like, I just want to know if you support me and doing this. And I'm like, I remember I sought. Like. The audacity, the nerve. The nerve.

Yeah. And I remember asking her on the phone, like, why do you want to marry him? And she was just like, well, we've just been together for so long. And, you know, I think it's just time. And I was just like, okay. So they're legally married, you know, he's a abiding law citizen. And you're still in therapy. And I'm still in therapy.

Okay. How often do you go? Once a week. Okay, good for you. Yeah. Do you feel, I know that obviously there's still a lot for you to heal through and work through, but do you feel like you make progress still in it? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Especially when we do EMDR. And I try not to do it as much because it's awful. It's so awful. But it's literally, I literally would not be here if it wasn't for my therapist. And it's incredible. The fact that you, so this is your second time telling your story publicly, right? Yes.

Okay. Or second time telling another human being. Right. Like I haven't told, besides my spouse, I haven't told, or my therapist, literally I haven't told anyone. Amazing. And how do you feel, how does it make you feel when you have sat down to sit to tell this story when you did it with Mark and then now being here? Does it make you feel, does it give you any type of like, I guess, weight lifted off or does it feel like a part of your healing in any way? Do you, like, what does it make you feel like? It's a lot. It's a lot of like pros and cons. Like the pro is, I want my family to hear this and know. that I'm not lying, that I was never lying,

that he is a sick pedophile, that you should feel ashamed to let your kids around him. Like, to not only let your kids around, but for you to be around him, for you to love him, and care about him and like, that's your own sickness. And like, also a warning to Jersey that you have a, pedophile roaming your streets, like, especially someone who is so incognito. Like you would never know by looking at him.

But like, he's out, you know? Who knows, A, if he's still doing this to someone else or even if he's doing it like virtually, because I know that he was definitely like messing with a lot of girls online. So like that's one thing, but like, so I know you're doing that virtually, but like, are you also doing it physically? Like, who's your victim right now? Which makes me sick because I tried once again to reopen the case and then Jersey let me down, like let everyone down and let him roam, you know, let him free.

And then the cons will be like just being looked at in a certain light, like from my friends, from like my family, like my spouse's family. Like, because I have never sat down and talked to them. Like, they know because of what my wife has told them, or if they watched my interview, but like, I have never sat and told them, A, details or be, let alone anything. So like, and my, like, one of my biggest insecurities and like my biggest fears in life is being questioned,

because I have stepdaughters. Like, it's one of those irrational fears that I have. And I talk about it in therapy because I try so hard to understand how someone can do this. Because I look at my kids and I'm like, there's just, I would rather be dead. You know what I mean? Or I would literally kill someone if they ever got hurt. So, like, my biggest fear is for someone to listen to my story and, like, have a doubt. Like, can she do this?

Because she was abused. Because now can she abuse too? I think that that's like a super validated thought to have. But also the amount of people that break cycles is, the numbers are high, you know? And anybody that thinks that, I don't know. Like, I think that's somebody that is maybe judgmental and is judging a book by its cover. I would, I mean, I hear stories every single week, multiple times a week. And that has never been a thought that's gone through my head. Genuinely. I mean, unless I have like a gut feeling, you know what I mean? Like there's, we always have to listen to ourselves in our gut. But like, people break cycles all the time. Bad things happen to people all the time. And they make their lives better. They make other people's lives better. They use the bad things that have happened to them as a driving force to make a change and whatever else. So if it. means anything, I wouldn't even let that be a thought in your head. And I know that's so much

easier said than done. But like, as somebody that hears all these different types of stories and that's just never been even like a thought of like, hmm, would they do it? Like, I don't know. It's just not. And like I said, it's completely validated because, you know, obviously there are many people where a cycle continues or people might do something because of what happened to them, whether it's physical abuse, you know, manipulation, whatever it might be. But, you know, But I just, it makes me sad that you would have those, that you would think people would doubt you. Yeah. But, you know, speaking out about what's happened to you and being so vulnerable and honest, to me, shows the complete opposite.

Well, it also, like, validates me when I try to give my mom, like, slack by saying, oh, well, maybe, like, she's perverted because something happened to her. And then my therapist cuts me off as she's like, yeah, but something bad. happened to you and you didn't continue like you stopped and even if that was the case there's no slack to be given and that's not to say i say that in the sense of like whether she so even if something hypothetically even if something happened to her and she allowed it because of what happened her there could still be something off happening here mentally where like she's not even a She doesn't even aware. She's not aware that it's a bad thing, what she's doing or what she's allowing to happen.

Well, I think she's a narcissist. Whatever it is. Psychopath. I think, like, cutting slack or whatever, like, it's not even, remember, like, your life only is the only thing that matters. Yeah. You know? And I think that that's kind of where that shift should be, in my opinion, would be to. And that takes time.

It does. Like I said, everything we could always. give advice. It's always easier said than done. But I just feel like you are somebody. You're very sincere. You have a lot of empathy. You want, it's like you, like people please or you want everybody to be happy. And I think that it would be really, really healthy and good for you to kind of break away from that for now, just for now, and allow you to give all that to yourself. Because they need to do their own thing, whether that's working on themselves or not working on themselves or ignoring it or viewing you a certain way, let them.

Let them. Yeah. Like love and light to them, whatever that looks like, cool. But you need to be a little selfish. Which I've never, like, never been. So I have no idea. That's why I can't let my mother go or my sister go because it's like, well, I don't want to upset them.

Well, I don't want to cause a riffle and be like, oh, here. again, like, caused a drama by, like, putting this on the table and, like. Yeah, but you cutting them off, if you chose to do that, not speaking to them, that's not creating drama. That's removing it. Yeah. And however they see it. And it's hard.

It's hard to not care what people see and think of us. It's hard to genuinely accept, like, oh, they think A, B, and C of me, and I don't care. Like, that's, like, very hard to get to that point. but I do believe that when you put all that work and stuff into yourself into your healing without anyone else in mind because we can't heal, we can't even really help others until we help ourselves, you know? So if I think when you really put that energy and work into yourself, that kind of naturally fizzles away. Ever feel like healthy eating is harder than it should be? I get it. Nutrition can feel complicated, but it doesn't have to be. On Be Well by Kelly,

I simplify the science of nutrition so you can feel better, balance your blood sugar, and build healthy habits that actually last. Each week I talk to leading experts, doctors and researchers, about practical ways to nourish your body and make wellness accessible in real life. Listen to Be Well by Kelly wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Wednesday. It's one of Britain's most notorious crimes, the killing of a wealthy family at White House Farm.

But I got a tip that the story. story of this famous case might be all wrong. I know there's going to be a twist, won't there, a massive twist. At every level of the criminal justice system, there's been a cover-up in this case. I'm Heidi Blake. Blood Relatives is a new series from In the Dark and the New Yorker. Find it now in the In-the-Dark podcast feed. That's what I've realized. Like you do naturally, you don't even realize really when that switch is made over. But then you get to a point where it's like, I really don't

Give a fuck what you think. And I don't care who you are to me. You know what I mean? Like they, I'm going to say it as I was. I was going to say, say it. But like, they don't give a fuck. They don't have any respect for you. They don't.

Okay. No, like my wife is always like, they don't even reach out to you. Like no one has come to visit you. And even if they said, oh, but we love you. We do respect you. We do care about you. We just blah. No.

And if you do, you have a really fucked up twisted mind and I don't want to be a part of it. Because that's the thing. It's like even if they have some sort of. mental thing going on, a disorder, a disability, whatever the fuck it is, that doesn't mean that you have to keep it in your life. Like, blood does not mean everything. It does when they show up correctly. They didn't show up correctly. They still don't show up correctly. Well, I mean, I firmly believe that now with having my stepkids. They're not my, they're not mine, like my blood. They're still yours. They're literally, like, they're my kids. Like, I would.

would literally die for them. And that's another part that I'm just like, you weren't my father, but you were, you could have been. Like you saw me. But he also looked at you as a daughter too, because they acknowledged that several times. He would call you his daughter. He raised me. Like, he taught me literally every, like to this day, like he taught, like he made me the person that I am today. Like, like the good things. You know what I mean? So like, you're a father to me. And like, I'm a mother to my kids. So, like... He likes children.

He's sick. He likes children. Yeah. You know? Like, doesn't... Blood or not, incest or not, you like children, you know? Like, and he's sick. You're rather sick. Your sister doesn't know any better. And I don't think is ready to work through it.

I hope... My hope would be that one day she... sorts through everything in her life and then you guys could navigate some sort of like respect for each other and understanding. I don't think she's there yet from what I've heard. But the parents fuck them, both of them. Toxic in any way, shape or form. Not even talk. It's demented. Demented sick, toxic. It's all of it. And like it's, I get like you're like once again, I think it's the little you, the child version of you, that feels the guilt. I don't think it's the you now.

I think it just all stems back to like the little girl. Yeah. Like what little, what kid wants to, no kid wants to make their parents sad. They don't want to disappoint them. They want to make them happy. Like you want to please. You want to be loved. You want to give love.

Like it's your innocence. But that was taken from you and your mom didn't care or do anything about it. Neither did he. So they can go fuck. themselves. Sorry. It's like genuinely how I feel. I've like heard so many of these stories that now I'm at this fucking boy where I think I'm going to just like say it. Yeah. Well, I think it needs to be said because I hear from my like my family. Well, when I say my family, I'm saying my wife's family, which is my family now. Yeah. So like I hear from them and like it's like I need to keep hearing it

to believe it. And different sources out like, you know, people that don't know, things like that. And like, you know, I try to be, whenever I hear these stories, obviously always respectful, you know, and I kind of like test the waters. But one thing that gets to me the most is when people, like my guests that come on here, they feel that guilt towards their abusers. And they question themselves, even the one girl I had on when her mom was with her boyfriend. And she felt bad. Like sitting there telling me, she was like, I felt bad for the way I acted after towards her. And I was like, no. Like, you know what I mean?

Like, I almost feel like sometimes we need that. Sometimes I don't think it's bad. Like, I can still be respectful and still be like, fuck ass, no. Like, you like absolutely not. Do not. You don't know. You know, if you need somebody to tell you, screw them and literally, like, that's that. Because that's the reality of it.

And I don't know, everybody, every human is so different. We all heal differently. We all are different people. Some of us are more cut and dry. Like, you screw me. Fuck you. I'm done. There's other people that you screw me.

But like I still care. I'm still, you know, especially when it's family. I think we're almost like we have that like, what's that like the instinct? It's just like, you know. But at some point or another, I think you have to choose you and only you. And then, you know, you do have a family now. Yeah. You have a wife now.

You have to show up for them in the best way that you can. And you could only be the best version of yourself, in my opinion, when you cut out the things that pull from that energetically. And I think those that your past is still pulling from that because they're not where you are. You've worked on yourself. You continue to work on yourself. So I just feel like, and that might be an easier way to kind of look at it in like a less like selfish way, I guess you could say of like, okay, I have a family now that I have to be there for support, show up for in all these different ways. I can't fucking worry about you guys getting married. If you guys think I'm a whore, if you guys think it was my fault,

if you're a pedophile, if you're still living with them, you can't. At one point, it has to be, let me close this door and chapter so that I can focus here. And then maybe when this is all like in a really good place again, and you still feel like there's still unresolved things here, you can kind of get back into kind of sorting through it. But I do think you deserve a moment where it's just you and you now and you now. was with this new family. They show up for you. You show up for them. And that's where I think that's a good boat to be in at this moment. It is such a good boat. And it's, I don't know if it's like

the pessimist in me, but it's like it makes me so, you would think it would like make me feel so happy that I have like this wonderful family. But it's like, it also breaks my heart that like I didn't have a wonderful family growing up. You know what I mean? Like my inner kid had hell. And then these kids have an amazing life, which heals my inner child. And it's so many ways seeing them grow up. Because I've been, I've been in their lives since they were two and five. And now it's 10 years later. And they're 12 and 15. And like, I was in their lives. I've been in their lives in their crucial moments growing up. And it's like, I'm giving them what no one gave me. And it's so incredibly. painful to do, but it's like, it's so rewarding at the same time. Like, it's like bittersweet.

Like, it feels so good to like love them unconditionally and not expect anything in return. And it's like, but I didn't get that. Well, I think another, a whole other aspect of kind of leading into that is by sharing your story, there is definitely other survivors that feel the way that you do. And I think that that in itself is so validating to them, to you. Like I think that these are, that's another kind of full circle moment in your healing because although that feeling that you were just speaking about might never go away, at least you know you're not alone.

And unfortunately, we don't pick our families. We don't pick what's handed to us. And, you know, I think it's about, unfortunately, acceptance and healing and then giving back, which is what you're doing. And then that's kind of where we start to feed and fulfill and heal our younger self. And it's tough because I think mentally I am more of like a cut and dry person in a sense. Like I'm a big believer in people that have been through hell and horrible situations are they're tough as shit. They're relatable. They get it. You know, they know what actual trauma is. They're not sensitive little cissies that like to say, like, I have trauma and

like nothing actually happened to you because we have a lot of those. And once again, everybody can have trauma in their own ways, you know? But like, I think that there's a power behind it. And I think you can turn trauma into power. And I think that that is a huge healing thing. And I just think that if we can kind of rewire our brain to view it that way, there's a lot of benefit in that. And we can still be sad for ourselves and we can still be sad for the little version of us. But I think that there's so many people that go through this and don't understand it or don't navigate it or never talk about it. And then there's you.

And you're somebody that went through all that, but you didn't shut the door and keep pushing. Like you keep that door open. You continue to talk about it for yourself and ultimately now for others. You know, so like not everybody can do that. So the fact that you are able to transmute this into providing for your stepchildren, talking about it publicly to reach other people. These are all huge, huge, huge things that like not everyone can do. So I think you need to tap into those.

And I hate to keep saying like I think you need it. Like, I'm not like a fucking therapist. I can already see people like, she's not certified. Okay, I know I'm not. But like, okay, this is my advice, but I was going to give it. But I just, I think that if you tap, those are your superpowers. Tap into them more, you know, like you, you've been using them to your advantage and you should continue to do that. And at the end of the day, I can't express it enough.

As we are human, we are going to feel emotions. One day we're going to feel like we're on top of the world and we've healed almost completely. and we can preach about our past and we're good now. And then we might have a week later where we're like, I don't want to be here anymore. But that is part of the human experience. It's back and forth, wish you watched. Which I go through all the time.

It would be boring if we were just here. That would make us a robot if we were just here. You know, it's everything comes in waves. But what, in my opinion, you're just a very sweet, empathetic person. I think you're doing an amazing job at your healing journey, talking about it to a stranger and traveling to do so is never fucking easy. That's vulnerable, that it's scary, it's intimidating, it's all the different things, you know. But you're crushing it.

And you might not be where you want to be in 10 years in your journey, but you're going to get there. And it takes time and it takes, give yourself grace and credit because you deserve it, really. But part of me feels obligated to, especially because he's free, to like put the word out. Because if no one's going to believe me and my family, they're not going to talk about it. And I think unfortunately we have a justice system where, you know, sometimes we have to be like our own advocate. And once again, though, even besides it, even you just, besides your specific situation, that you become a voice for so many people. Yeah. It's so much bigger than just telling your story.

And that's what like I always try to remind my guess. And I never, I didn't even realize that when I first started. this. My first year or year or year and a half doing this, I kind of looked at it as like, yeah, people show their stories. It's so much bigger than that. Like the ripple effect, the people that need to hear it, the fact that hearing, I mean, I've had a bunch of people that say I've listened for like two or three years to people's stories. And now it's like, I have a story. Like maybe I'm ready to speak out, but maybe they would have never even thought that if they didn't hear somebody else do it. It's all about you guys and the courage that you give to

people. Yeah. It's huge. Everything you've done, big, big, big, big. A lot of people, that's what you have to remember. And it's not to compare either, but like give yourself credit, way more credit. You don't give yourself enough credit. None.

No, you need to give yourself more credit. Zero. That shame still lingers, you know? Yeah. Especially because I didn't have literally not one person in my corner, like not an aunt, not a cousin. not no one to be like, I'm here for you. It was just by myself, like, on my own with a big family, which is me. Yeah, and I think it's hard because we're kind of raised in this world to really seek out that.

I think it provides validation. I think it provides, like you said, support, care. And we want to feel that. We want to feel love. We want to feel nurture. We want to feel like, oh, thank God. they believe me, you know? And it's, it can get very overwhelming and feel very lonely when it feels like it's you

against the world. But me being my, like, my harsh self, because I'm like so back and forth with things too. I'm, you know, I deal with it all the time as well with little things. But at the end of the day, all we have is ourselves. That's what I believe, kind of. Like, everyone's unpredictable. People switch up. Things happen.

That's not to be negative. I think that's just kind of reality. that's humans. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody does their thing. But that's why I think it's so important to create that core foundation in yourself and know, okay, no matter what, I got this, no matter what, I have my own back, no matter what I'm going to make it through. Yeah. And I think it's important to get to that point because then that's your foundation and then you can give all the love out and like whatever is happening here and in your present moment. And then now we're there. We embrace it. We cherish it. But if something happens, we don't completely fall off

and say there's no point anymore because we still have that foundation within ourselves if that makes any sense. And I feel like you deserve that foundation. You deserve that for yourself. I think that you have so much strength. I don't think you realize like by sharing and talking and running through these horrible, traumatic, sick events, that is a crazy amount of strength and power. It's like almost like you're there, but it's like you haven't like pinpointed.

Like, you know. Association. Yes, right. You haven't like pinpointed. like, okay, here it is. I have this. Now let's run with it. Yeah.

But it's there. I mean, you're, like, that's incredible. And it's only like 1% of the trauma that's out there. You know what I mean? Like, like I said, if this happened when I was five or when it happened when I was five till 19. Right. Right.

And that's the thing. Yeah, there's so, it's so much deeper than that. And that's the thing, too. It's, like I said in the beginning, unraveling years and years and years of trauma, takes probably double triple the time. Yeah. You know, it's right. Exactly.

So it's not, it's not, it's so much, it's always so much easier so than done. And once again, everybody heals differently. Some people might be able to do therapy for a year and they're good. Some people need it the rest of their lives and that's okay. And that's if it's perpetrated about one person. And in my case, it's, everyone fucks me over. And that's, and that's why it's, it's okay. You're doing amazing.

Yeah. I think, I just wish you gave yourself more credit because you deserve it. Really. And if that goes anywhere, makes you feel any type of anything, that's what all I would want to make you feel. I think raising, helping my wife raise, the kids gives me, like, value. Like, makes me feel of use. Like, when I felt absolutely nothing those times that I was raped and just to just be left. there on my own to just deal with literally the physical aftermath and also like emotional and

like morally now it's like I don't even know what that feels like to feel nothing at what age do we figure who we who we are out like it takes forever you know we're in our 20s 30s whatever some people don't even ever find themselves so when you're groomed and ingrained it's ingrained in your head that you're you have no value you're worth nothing unless you're you let me do this to you, whatever else. You're basically having, now that you're in therapy and you're away from that, you're rewiring your brain and telling yourself otherwise. And that's, once again, going back to what we said, years and years and years of unwiring

that. I mean, that's, it makes sense. Everything makes sense as to why you feel an act and whatever the way you do. Because you were told that you're nothing. Yeah. Which is why you still probably have that guilt and puts. much value in even your mom and your sister still because it's like you didn't have that value in yourself.

Fuck them. That's what one's title of this episode. Fuck them. You should. Hey, y'all. It's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up?

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