We're All Insane - My Parents are Swingers

Episode Date: April 7, 2025

Find your forever cookware @hexclad and get 10% off at https://hexclad.com/WAI #hexcladpartner #sponsored #podcast #healingjourney Our guest shares her story of growing up in a household where love was conditional, boundaries didn’t exist, and emotional immaturity ruled. Her mother—her biggest bully—tore her down instead of building her up while her father was abusive, distant, and only added to the chaos. As she grew older and began to piece together the toxic patterns of her childhood, she uncovered a shocking truth about their secret lives—her parents were swingers. If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Business Inquiries please contact: [e-mail] Topics: Emotionally Immature Parents, Family Secrets, Swingers, Boundaries, Healing#podcast #emotional #boundaries #healingjourney #familydrama Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. I think the best place to start is who my parents are. Because my parents are, really complicated. And I feel like in turn that complicated me. That's why we're in this situation. So my mom, she's always been, like, I would tell you honestly that she's a really strong person. She's incredible. She's been through so much. Her whole life has been, like, there are a lot of, like, things that we have in common. Like, she, she's from another country. My parents met when,

my dad was stationed overseas, he was in the military. And she just, they met, she left her whole family behind and moved to America and they started a family together. And she had nothing. You know what I mean? Like she, she's been through a lot. And I knew that growing up that she really missed her family and stuff. And all she had was us, like my dad and me and my brother. And it just, it's hard. I could feel that from her that she was upset about it. And she often, I think she only visited the Philippines where they met maybe, I would say, like, it felt like very few times. I've been there one time when I was in middle school or, I think, late elementary school. And that was it.

Like, I had no connection there. I grew up here. So do you have family over there still? I do. Okay. And I'm not in contact with them. Like, I don't have any contact with them. at all. I don't have any, like, connection with them. But she's, she's always been, like, her whole life,

she's always told my whole life. She's told me, like, I did this all for you guys, for you and your brother and your dad. And that's why I'm here. And she's, she's really strong. She really is. They've always had, like, this perfect marriage is what they showed to me and my brother. And, like, I think that's why everything that's happened, it was kind of like disarming for me. It's like, oh, that reality of my parents' perfect marriage is totally shattered. And I'll never get that back. Like, I'll never, I can't say that I've had ever like a normal relationship with my parents. It's always been really strained and really painful.

I will tell you, like, I've been very spoiled, like my whole life. My parents gave me everything. Everything I wanted. they would buy, you know, and it was, that was great, but as, I think that's how they showed their love, but as far as like, I think that's why they'll say, they'll tell you, like, we did the best we could. You know, we weren't perfect parents, but we did the best we could. But as far as, like, my connection with my parents, it was always very strange since I was a kid.

And like as a, I would say second and third grade, I have memories of, you know, the police interviewing me for abuse and asking if, you know, my parents hit me and they did. There was a lot of physical abuse ever since I was younger. Just my dad was away a lot of the time because he was always deployed with the military and my mom was with me alone a lot. And there was, it just felt like she didn't like me. Do you know what I mean? Like, I know like she took care of me and stuff and she worked really hard. But like at the end of the day, like she disliked me. Like I was just an inconvenience to her, you know.

And, you know, you pick up on that as a kid. And I think I carried that for a while. Yeah, for sure. And as I got older, you know, my brother was born. We're seven years apart. And my brother is. from my perspective, and as simply as I can put it, he was like their golden child. So my brother can do no wrong. He's like their obvious favorite, you know. They've never

laid a hand on him. They've never like, as far as I know, like yelled at him. He's never really been in trouble. And granted, like, I was a problem child. I really was. I acted out a whole lot and he didn't really do a lot of that. I did. But like there was such a difference in the way that they treated me and him. Like I did a lot of the work around the house for my parents and he really didn't have to do anything. And I noticed that like, you know, talking to other people is like, you know, our brothers didn't have a lot to do. But as women and the girls in the family, we were put to a lot of like, you know, we had a lot of chores to do. We had to live up to certain standards. And I noticed that with friends that have brothers. And that's how they were raised. But in a way, like,

It always felt to me like they wanted to pit us against each other. They didn't want us to like each other. But my brother is really, really close to me. I really care about him. In a lot of ways, like, I'm really happy that they didn't treat him the same way they treated me because it was so bad. Yeah. And it definitely does come up later in life, for sure. Yeah. And we're still close. My brother and I still talk. But I would say just as I go, older, he was maybe like entering, leaving middle school, entering high school, I was leaving the house. Things were like really, really bad. Gosh, there was, uh, I'd been kicked out of the house multiple times, you know, um, things really hit a boiling point when I had my first boyfriend. That was a really big point of contention between me and my parents. They didn't like me hanging out with him. They didn't like me going out. Um, I wasn't allowed to leave or do anything with him, which I get. I understand that. But like, there were, the big points that I had with them were, like,

there was a lot of, I would say, my dad stopped deploying overseas when he became a recruiter. And then he was home 24-7. You know, he was working from home some days. He would go into the office other days. He would stop by high schools certain days, but he was home a lot more. And that, was like a changing point because for me, I grew up with him being away from the house. And then for my brother, he grew up with my dad being present all the time. And it wasn't that, like, that did change a lot because the physical abuse for me came from both my mom and my dad. In middle school, starting middle school, my parents started sending me to my grandparents every summer. And I would spend the entire summer working with my grandma.

and I love my grandma. Like it wasn't like I got sent to my grandma and I was working with her and it was miserable and I hated it and I wanted to come home. Like I love my grandma. We're still very close. I call her all the time. I should probably call her more. But she's my dad's mom on my dad's side of the family and just, you know, things that

as I get into it, like I've learned so much about my parents that really like make sense. Like all the things I saw growing up, it clicked into place for me. and it's like, this makes perfect sense to me, you know. But it always felt like they were sending me away every summer so they didn't have to deal with me. My brother stayed home in the summers. I was always gone and I would come back. I would fly back at like the week before school started. And then it was just silent treatment for a while, you know?

Like the weird thing about my parents is like they had, gosh, what do you call it? Psychological warfare. It felt like, like there were months. I would go months, like, not saying anything to my parents. My parents wouldn't acknowledge me. And it was very weird because I would have, you know, my mom would make dinner and she would bring food to my room and stuff, but they wouldn't talk to me. Like, my dad would wake me up for school and tell me the bus is coming, but I wouldn't

be spoken to. I was like, it felt like I was being excluded from my own family. And did you ever find out why that was? No, not really. And it happened again in adulthood. pretty regularly and it hurt every time. And I, you know, it just kind of like stuck with me is like, my parents don't like me. Right. You know, like I mean, yeah, like that, it makes sense why you would feel that way. They just dislike me. And that's kind of just how I felt my whole life with them.

Right. Like, why would you send your kid away for two months for the summer and then just not talk to them for a while? And after, after I would come back from being with my grandma, after a while, like, they would slowly start bringing me back into the family. It felt like I was part of it again. And then at the end the school year, I'd leave again. And it's just this weird cycle for me, you know. And you would watch them being way closer with your brother, basically right in front of you. Yeah, absolutely. The whole standard, like how is school, you know, things like that. It wasn't always like that extreme, but it was there still. Did your brother ever say anything to you about it growing up or no? No, no. He was, and I think a part of me, it hurts that he's still close with them. He's still in contact with them. And that, that bothers me a lot. But I really love him. And if he needs to have a relationship with my parents, then that's for him. And that's not, I'm not going to get in between that, you know. And it's hard because when the dynamics are so different, like he's never felt what you felt.

No, never. So it's just like for him, there's probably a part of him that it doesn't make sense. Like it's so hard for him to understand because he didn't get that treatment. Right. I just can't understand like why. Yeah. And honestly, like I think about it. I've thought about it a lot.

And I'm sure he's gone through like his own personal issues with even how I was treated because it happened in front of him. I'm sure he had some issues with it too. Like that affected him growing up too. because there was a lot of screaming, a lot of beating, a lot of, you know, kicking me out of the house, you know, just constant. It was like any little thing would blow up into a days-long fight where, you know, there was a lot of abuse and a lot of, like, yelling in the house. And I remember talking to my mom as recent as, like, 2016, she was on the phone with me trying to, like, apologize. And I'll get into that later.

but she was like, I want to apologize for the way I treated you. I'm sorry. And I asked her, like, because this is the question that like I've always wondered, it's like, why did you treat my brother differently? Why was he different than me? And she goes, well, and she said it in such a nonchalant way. It was so, it hurt me so bad when she said it. She said, he reacted poorly to the way he saw us treating you. He had it. He would shake and like cry when he saw that whenever like we were beating you or yelling at you whenever we raised our voice. So we didn't want to do that to him. I was like, but you kept doing it to me. And I don't, that hurt so bad. It was just like, I cried. I was shaking. Why are you still doing this to me? And you did that when I was younger than

him. Yeah. And I just think it's very unfortunate because I don't think a lot of, you know, everybody has a, every parent has a different way of disciplining. Yeah. Their children. Yeah. But I don't think that people oftentimes understand the damage that that can cause. You know, not even in that moment when you're a child, but just going on and throughout life and experiencing being treated different from your own sibling.

Like I can see how that would just constantly make you wonder and feel like I was never good enough. Right. Or what is wrong with me or what was wrong with me. I'm different. Right. I'm different. I'm being treated differently. And that was my issue with all of this. Like, I've spent my adult life, like, trying to recover from them and, like, cope with or understand why it was treated this way. Why was it me? You know, and I have kids of my own, you know, and I always decided, like, I would never yell or scream or hit them. And that's just the way it's going to be. And it's worked out really well so far.

Like, yeah. I just don't want mine to have to grow up and go to therapy because of me. And, like, I don't want to be the topic of conversation between my kids and their therapist, you know. I agree. So it's just, I wonder sometimes, like, if I would be a different person, if I were raised differently, if I were raised like my brother, we both were raised the same way. Like, what person would I be? Like what I have gone through some of the struggles and the interpersonal relationships and the issues I've had in my own life if I had been raised differently. And I'll never know.

And that's okay. But my parents, after I graduated, I left like right away. I joined the military. I think I stayed for a little bit. I had like a part-time job at like Walmart and Pizza Hut and things like that. And I'm like, this isn't working for me. You know, I'm tired of like, you know. this not working out, and I ended up joining the military. So is that at 18? It was, I think I was

19. Okay. Maybe 19, 20 years old. I joined the military. I was stationed really far from home, and I met my first husband there. We really hit it off. We had to, just, I was living in New Mexico at the time. We had our son, and I still, like, went back to visit my parents, and that That was when things were kind of good. I realized, like, I had a much better relationship with my parents in adulthood. And if we were far apart. I was going to say the distance. Yeah.

And things started to get normal. Like, every once in a while, we'd call my mom, and we'd catch up, and I'd catch up with the family. I would go back to visit, and we'd hang out. And my mom is super good with kids. So when my son was born and he was really young, like, she was just the happiest I've ever seen her. She's really good with kids.

She loved him. She doted on him constantly, you know. And it was really great seeing the side of her because it was the first time that she was good to me. And it felt like she was proud of me for having my own family, you know, and that was just game-changing. And for a while, things were really good. There were things that happened that I didn't understand but make sense now where I'm standing. Like my mom would call and I would get a friend request on social media from some guy that was like 20 years older than me. I'm like, who is this dude?

You know? And I'm like, okay, I would just deny it or block him or whatever. And I would get a phone call from my mom like hours later saying don't add him. He's just a weird guy. And I'm like, I don't, what are you talking about? She was like in hysterics over it. She would be like, don't talk to him. Don't even like open any of his messages.

And it was just random. Just totally random. I had no idea who this guy was. I knew he was based on his profile. I saw that he was where my parents were currently living. Okay. So, like, I was like, okay, this is strange. And I'm like, mom, don't worry about it. I didn't even add him. He hasn't messaged me. It's okay. And she goes, well, if he does message you, don't listen to anything he says. And I'm like, okay. One time I came home visiting my parents and my dad was like showing off this new painting that he got over his bed, over their bed. and it was a painting of my mom in lingerie. It was so weird. Yeah.

Like she had lingerie on in this provocative pose, like a huge painting. It was gigantic. And it was, it covered like the length of their king size bed. It was huge. I'm like, oh my God, this is so weird. Too much for me. Yeah. I was like, oh, that's great.

And he was like, you know, he would like brag about it to people. And he's like, I got this commissioned. And, you know, they painted this from a photo. And I'm like, okay. cool you know it's great but like what so um going back to visit them everything was fine and stuff but things started to change my brother was still living with them he was still in school i visited them once and i told my dad i'm like hey i need to use your computer i have to print out my boarding ticket to go back home and he's like sure go ahead i went upstairs into his bedroom

I'm using his laptop. And, you know, you get this. I wasn't snooping. I swear. I wasn't snooping. But there was like this Gmail notification that popped up in the bottom of the screen. And it was like about their swinging club that they were part of and stuff. And I was like, oh, my God.

And I didn't click on it. I didn't look at it. You know, I was just like, let me just do what I need to do, get my flight ticket printed. And I'm talking to my brother. He's probably in high school at this point. he's older. And I was like, did you, our mom and dad's swingers, are they, you know, like, is there anything weird going on? He was like, really nonchalant about it too. He was like, oh, yeah, you didn't know that. I'm like, no. And he was, I thought you knew they've been doing this for a long time. And this

was maybe, gosh, like 2013, maybe 2014. And I was like, okay, that's, you know, things are starting to make sense, like the, the guy adding me on Facebook, things like that. And looking back, like my parents have always had very close relationships to neighbors. Like we, my dad was in the military, so we lived in different places around the U.S. And everywhere we lived, they were always like really close with a certain neighbor couple. You know, they were hanging out every weekend. They would have like, they would drink together on the weekends and they were just constantly with them, you know. And I didn't think anything of it.

I just never noticed it, I guess. but I was probably stuck in my own world as a teenager, you know. But there was always, the one thing every relationship they had with their neighbors had in common was there was always like a huge fallout. Like my mom was like, we don't talk to them anymore. Don't talk to them. Like if I had a social media and they were added on it because they were like family friends. They were like delete them.

Don't talk to them anymore. And I remember like right before I enlisted in the military, they were really close to neighbors. that they would stay up all night partying. And when I was visiting or living with them, they were in the garage all night drinking till late hours of the morning. And my bedroom was right above the garage. So I could hear them. Like I would wake up in the middle of the night and still hear them like drinking

and having a good time down there. And out of nowhere, this was after I enlisted and I came back home to visit, they were like, we don't talk to them anymore. my mom was like delete them from everything block them from everything don't listen to anything they say and i was like what this doesn't make sense to me like they were this is always happening with close family friends like we get really close to them we know their kids like my brother was friends with them and their son you know um and then out of nowhere it's just like we don't talk to them anymore and i found out later it was because they were swinging with this couple and the story i was told

by the couple themselves was that my mom was sleeping with her husband without her or my dad around. And that's why they stopped. There was a big argument about it. And, you know, it crossed boundaries. And, you know, I wonder if, like, that's even true or if that was the case every time that they would stop hanging out with a couple friend, you know. And it just, I don't mind that they're swingers. That's totally fine. I don't mind swinging. It's not for me. But if that's what they want to do, that's okay. I'm not going to judge them for it. But like, I guess like my entire life, they had this like united front that they were, they were living the perfect marriage. They, you know, every year on their anniversary was a big huge deal. My dad did. He went above and beyond for my mom. Like, he did this whole like renewal of vows one year for their anniversary. And so it was a whole surprise.

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you get your podcasts. He picked out her dress, like her white dress, and they got married while they renewed their vows on like this beautiful like courtyard overlooking this pond. It was so gorgeous. I was there for that. And like every Valentine's Day for her was a big deal. He would take her out. He did things for her. Like I think they went like on a on a hot air balloon one year. And maybe that works for people, I'm not sure. But, like, I don't know. I just had this image of their marriage.

And it just totally changed when I found out that they were swingers. And that's fine, you know, whatever. After this was 2014, 2015, I got a divorce. My mom actually came to visit me and my husband at the time. and she was there for a few weeks. We were living in Albuquerque, New Mexico. And my husband, my then husband at the time, we were going through a hard time. And we were trying to give it one more shot, you know, we were just like, let's see if this works. And my mom, the whole time was like this little person in my ear saying, you should leave him. You should just come home to us. Like,

just pack your clothes, pack your son's clothes. and let's go back to the family and you can start over and we'll take care of you and you don't have to pay us or anything. You just get a job and start over that way and just leave him. And I did. I remember like sitting down and it was so undramatic. I sat down with him one night. I came home from work and I was like, I think I want a divorce.

And he was like, yeah, me too. And it was so just really chill. Everything was like mutual about it. And I was like, okay, that was way. easier than I thought. And he was like, yeah, I think we're not a match. And it was true. We just weren't a match. He wanted different things out of life. And I wanted to, you know, have kids and settle down and things like that. And I don't think he was that kind of person. That doesn't work for him, at least not when we were together. Maybe I think he is now. We're still, we still talk.

We have a kid together, so we co-parent. But we had like the most chill divorce ever. I went back home and moved in with my parents and things were really good. We had a really good relationship. They were at the time still hanging out with the couple that they were currently swinging with. I didn't know that they were swingers with that couple in particular. I knew that they were. I just didn't know it was with that couple. I should have known.

Did you ever bring it up to your parents? Never. Okay. So you just brought it up to your brother. Yeah. Okay. I never brought it up with my family. my parents. My husband at the time knew that they were swingers. And he was like, yeah, I guess they

told him a lot of things because when we visited, you know, they would hang out with my husband at the time, too, and I would go to bed early. But he would tell me, like, all these crazy stories about my parents and what they were doing. And I didn't know if I should believe him. Like, to this day, he would tell me stories that I don't know are true or not, because I was like, I'd even asked him, like, Do you remember when you told me this about my mom or my dad? And he was like, yeah. And I said, is that really true? Did you mean that?

And he would just kind of laugh it off and be like, maybe, I don't know. And just, he's infuriating too, believe me. But when I moved back with my parents, it was kind of like, it was a fun summer. Like, we did, everything was great. I was in a great place with them. Like, it was me, my son, and my parents. and we would drink, you know, I was involved with them, you know, not like that, but like, I was involved with my family for the first time and I felt like their daughter. And it, for like,

the first time, like, I felt like they liked me. Yeah. And that was, I was riding such a high that whole summer. Like, oh my God, my parents feel like my parents, not like distant, you know, just like their baseline was dislike for me. But we were really close that summer. We, would do like we'd have like barbecues all summer we were watching watching games going out doing a bunch of stuff together like making memories for my son they were really great grandparents so they were just there for us and I was going through a hard time too because I was going through a divorce and I kind of felt like this was the end for me I had to start all over like I needed to I needed to find a new job I I needed to find a new way to move forward.

But I had my parents and my parents had me and it felt like I had all the support in the world. And things started going wrong, like really wrong when I started dating someone again. And their whole attitude towards me just changed. Like they, the silent treatment happened again. Like my parents stopped talking to me entirely. I was working night shifts and I would

come home in the morning and my mom would be there and she wouldn't say anything to me. She would, she always watched my son while I was working. At some point, like, I was like, I'm going to bed. She would watch my son for me and she wouldn't say a word to me, you know. And how old were you? I was 24, around 22, 24. It makes me wonder if it was a control maybe thing. But still, it's just very odd. It was. It was really weird. And I was like, oh my God, are falling apart again. You know, like I changed on Facebook that I was in a relationship. And it just all changed overnight.

Like my, it used to be like my dad would come home from work and we'd all get together and like I would cook or they would cook and we'd hang out and talk about the day or we talked about current events or a lot of politics around that time. It was like approaching, you know, that 2016 time. It just changed overnight. Like when I started dating someone, my mom was like, you don't need to date. You know, she was like, you could just, you could date him, but you could also date other people. Just keep your options open.

I just remember telling my mom, like, that's cheating. She's like, it's not. It's really not. Like she had this, they were drinking a lot at the time. It was every single night. My mom wasn't working. My dad was, but he often worked like night shifts sometimes. but every night they would stay up drinking.

There was a lot of alcohol with my parents. And I think in that time that I was there, they stopped hanging out with their couple friend. And that's when, like, we got close. Me and my parents did, and it was just, like, awesome. But when I started dating someone, it was the silent treatment all over again. I was like, oh, my God, I'm going through this again.

And this was a huge mistake. Like, I shouldn't have trusted my mom that things were going to be okay. you know, that they were going to support me and help me. And I was like, now I'm alone, you know, like, I don't even have access to my son, like, because I would wake up and try and spend time with my son. And she was literally holding him from me. Like, sometimes I would come home, and she had her bedroom door locked, and my son would be in there. And I would knock on the door and knock on the door, and she wouldn't answer me. I had nothing. And then my dad would be at work. And I remember texting my dad and saying, like, she's locked in the bedroom with my son.

And I don't know what to do. She's not answering me. I've tried calling her. I've tried texting her. She won't open the door. And my dad wasn't talking to me at the time either. And finally, he texted me back. And he said, well, I don't know what to tell you.

And that was all I got. And this went on for weeks. And I was just so confused. And my boyfriend at the time, he, He was so supportive for me. He was like, you need to, you need to, you know, just move on. He offered for me to move in with him. We were a long distance at the time, but he was there for me as much as he could be.

And things got to a really big head when like my son was starting kindergarten that year. And I was driving him to open house and I forgot to bring his school supplies there. And when I got back, my parents were like, this is the first time they've spoken to me in weeks. They were like, how could you, my mom was yelling at me. She's like, how could you forget a school supplies? You're worthless, you know. And as far as like my mom is, she's always been my number one bully.

Like growing up, she was just mean, like the things she would call me, like fat and ugly and things like that. She was just so mean to me my entire life. And it was just after weeks of being ignored again, being told I'm worthless and, you know, just, useless and a terrible mom by my own mom just hurts so bad. And, you know, she's screaming at me in this opened garage in front of the whole neighborhood. And my dad comes downstairs and he's like, what's going on? And she's, you know, I had pushed my mom back because she went to hit me. And I remember, like, grabbing her hand and pushing her back. And my mom's like, she hit me. She was hitting me. My son is there the whole time, you know. And I had,

seen my son a lot during that time. I'd barely been able to see him because they were keeping him from me. And I just felt like I was in this limbo place where I didn't exist with them. And my dad came downstairs and I tried to like explain myself because I was angry. I was so angry about this. And I was like, you guys ignore me, you know? And he started just wailing on me. And he would stop. and be like, is this what you want to my mom, which blew my mind. Because it felt like that is what she's always wanted. It's like she's always wanted my dad to just, that was when she was happiest is when my dad would like beat me.

You know, like growing up, that was, she would always tell on me. She'd always be like, wait till your dad gets home. I would get beat by her and then my dad. And that was my whole childhood. And I'm like 24 years old at the time. and it's still happening in front of my son. And that was just, I called the police. And the police showed up.

And my parents, I remember being upstairs, and my parents were downstairs speaking to the police, and I could hear them. And I think, like, one of the officers there was, like, former military, and so was my dad. So, like, they bonded. And he was telling my dad, like, yeah, I have a daughter too, you know. And my mom was telling them, like, our daughter just went

through a divorce and we're here trying to help her and support her. And this is how she treats us. She's been so disrespectful. And, you know, now she's calling the police on us for no reason. And they came up to speak with me. And there was like a family crisis person with them. And I explained everything to this person. And she was like, I think you should just apologize to your parents. It's just like, oh my God, you've bought into their story. You know, like, you don't understand what's happening here. Like, I haven't even spoken to my parents in weeks, and this is the first time they've even said words to me, and this is what it is. And they basically left with, like, you know, just I had work that night.

I was working night shifts at a hotel. And she was like, just go to work tonight, you know, come home, speak to your parents. talk it out with them and move on from there. And that night, like, I had packed all of our clothes. There wasn't a lot to pack. It was just clothes and some toys. I had a backpack for my son and a big old bag for me. And there wasn't a lot.

I just remember there really wasn't a lot. And I told them I was going to leave. And I didn't know where I was going to stay, you know, like my options were, like, I had a couple of friends that I was going through. it and they knew it. And they offered to help me out and stay with them because I didn't trust like my mom with my son anymore. I couldn't trust her. And I was trying to leave that night. I remember I ended up calling out of work and I tried to go down to my car to put my bags in the trunk. And my dad followed me out. You know, our garage doors open. It's the middle of the night. The lights are on

in the garage and he grabbed me by my hair and slammed me against my car. And this is not the first time. This has happened either, but he just started beating me in the yard, in the front yard. And he's like, you're not going anywhere. You're not leaving. He's like, where are you going to go? You have nothing, you know. And some kids, and I don't know who they were. It was so dark. I can't even remember their faces. I didn't even see their faces. They were like yelling at my dad from across the street in the dark. And they're like, what are you doing? And he's like, mind your own business. You know, he's yelling at them. And these kids actually came over and they're like, they must just, they sounded like they were 15, 16 years old, just some kids walking around the middle of the night in the

neighborhood. And they were like, we're going to call the police, let go of her. And he's like, the police have already been here. Go ahead and do it, you know. So they actually got my dad to stop beating me. He backed off. I loaded my car and they were like, are you okay? And I'm like, I'm fine. I have to go get my son from inside. And they're like, go get your son. We've got this. We're here for you. And again, like, I don't know who these kids were, but I'm so glad they were there that night because I don't know where I'd be, like, or what would have happened if they weren't there. I go inside and my mom had locked herself in her bathroom, in the master bathroom with my son. And I had to kick the door down, which was so cool. I've never done that before. But like, I kicked the door

down. And I had this in my head that I was going to grab my son from her and she was going to fight me over him, you know, but she just gave him to me. I think she was just as scared as I was. And I got my son. I was putting him in the backseat. And I remember the whole time I'm like clicking lock every time I step away from the car and unlock just so my dad couldn't get in the car and get our things or our son, but he was preoccupied with these teenagers. And we pulled out of there, and I'm in tears. I have no idea what's going on. Like, I don't know what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go.

I ended up staying with some friends and their parents. And to this day, like, I think of her and how she was there for me and my son, because I stay there for a week. And she was like, just, I know you've been through a lot. And she just gave me, like, she's like, here's the walk. washing machine. You can wash your clothes. Take your time. It's okay. And she was, she was more of a mom to me in that week than my mom's ever been to me. You got to take your time. And she was just, she was really helpful. And it gave me the time I needed to figure out what I wanted to do.

and I ended up leaving the state again. I started over. And that's what I mean. Like, I feel like my mom and I had so much in common because she had to start over and so did I, you know. And I wanted to be, I wanted to be strong like she was too because that's how I always saw her as a really strong person. And I did.

I started over. I moved away. I got my son enrolled in school and I moved in with my boyfriend. friend and it was it was just a changing point in my life everything changed after that I wasn't in contact with my parents I they ended up like a trying to track me down yeah I was going to say did they ever try to reach out they did yeah I told my brother where I was and that we were safe and okay and I kept in contact with him a lot and we we were fine everything was great I was kind of just kind of recovering from everything that had happened. It was like this whirlwind summer of being so close

with my parents and then everything fell apart right away. My parents were like trying to pressure my brother into giving me, giving them my new phone number and address and where I was. And he was like, I just told him, I remember just saying, tell them you don't know. You know, you have no clue where I am. I still didn't want to get in between his relationship with them because he had enlisted in the military too and he wasn't at home when all of this happened he was um in training he was across the country and years a few years went by it was really quiet and um and this was complete no contact complete no contact it was really peaceful for me like i had to recover from it and my life felt like it was getting back on track um that fall when my son was starting school there i got him enrolled

I got a phone call from a private investigator, and that still blows my mind. My parents hired a private investigator, and he contacted me, and he said, I just need to ask you a few questions. Is your son enrolled in school? And I said, yes, are you on drugs? And I was like, no. And he goes, then I really, my hands are tied. You know, they wanted custody of my son is what they were fighting for.

And I did, when I did reach out, or my parents reached out to me later after, I think it was just a year of no contact. These, this timeline feels so, like, foggy to me because it was really painful to me. My parents contacted me. My mom wanted custody of my son. And I remember talking to my dad and he was like, I don't want custody of our grandson. He's like, that's your child, you know, I just want to know that you're safe and okay. And I was like, everything's fine, we're fine. And we weren't close again, you know, I didn't talk to them after that.

I found out later that she was telling people that my son was her son. And she was telling people that she was telling my son that I was his sister and she was his mother. And that still blows my mind to this day that she would try and do something like that. And it makes sense that she was trying to take custody, you know, and it was just like another thing on top of all of the stuff that I'd gone through with them. My parents and I got in contact again, they told me that they were leaving the country and they were going back to the Philippines. and my mom wanted to, my dad was retired. He wanted to retire from his civilian job after the military, and she wanted to go back to see her family. And she was, it was this very tearful conversation over the phone. She was like, I have nothing left here. You know, my son is grown and out of the house,

and my daughter won't even speak to me, and I don't get to see my grandson. And I felt so bad. I felt so, so bad. She actually apologized to me over the phone that day. And, It was a long, long conversation between me and her. And she was like, I love you so much. And she goes, I was a terrible mom. And, you know, I did a lot of things that I shouldn't have to you. And it felt so sincere and real. And they had time before they had to leave.

They were preparing to leave the country. So they would come up and visit us because they had to go to D.C. for his immigration, you know, for, he's, not a citizen of the Philippines, so they needed to go to the embassy there often. So they would stay in my area for a while, like a couple weeks here and there. And we reconnected. You know, I would spend time with my parents at their hotel. You know, I would take my son swimming and we'd watch movies and hang out. And my boyfriend at the time, he was very wary because he'd seen like what had happened firsthand with between me and my parents. And he's like, I don't want to.

be involved with your parents. He said they're dangerous to you. They manipulate you. And I don't think this is a good idea. And my parents have this way of like when they're around, they'll pay for everything. They'll buy me things. They'll. And they get you back in. Yeah. They buy their way back in, you know, like they had gifts for my son and gifts for me and they would take us out to eat and and things like that. But like my boyfriend was so right about it is it was all just kind of like, it wasn't going to last again, you know, like this wasn't going to fix everything between us. And they ended up going overseas to the Philippines. Things were still okay. We're on talking terms. I'd say like once a week, I would read video chat and call and talk about how things were going over there,

how things were going with me. And it was perfect, you know, like it felt like everything was fine again. And like, I'm in a better place with my parents when they're far away from me. We can have a healthy relationship when they're far away from me and we can talk over the phone just fine. I just can't live with them, you know. Everything changed. Everything changed. This was 20, 2019. The 2019 was when everything changed.

I just changed careers. I was interning at a man. medical office. And during my lunch break, I got a notification from my mom. I was in a group chat with my mom and my dad. And I got, I don't know the exact number here. I'm exaggerating, but it was around this amount. I had maybe 80 pictures and like 30 videos of my dad having sex with someone. And at first glance, and I opened the message. When I opened it. Wait, who sent this to you? My mom did. It was a group chat between me, my mom, and my dad. And your mom sent the videos. My mom sent this. Yeah. Of your dad with other women. Yeah. This one other woman. From the pictures and the videos,

it looked like this was taken from like a nanny cam in the corner. It was wild. And when I looked at it, like at first glance, I thought it was pictures of my mom and him. And this isn't like new, you know, like my parents, you know, they've always been that way, like the lingerie picture above the bed. The, the, there were like not safe for work photos of them on like the family cloud that I'd accidentally seen. And I was like, oh my God, you know, this is just kind of par for them, whatever. But when I looked at the photos, I realized that, like, that wasn't my mom in the pictures. It was someone else. And I was like, oh, my God, you know, what do I do? I was interning at this office. How do I respond to this? They know that I've seen this. This was through,

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I called my boyfriend and I was like, what do I do? Did she write anything or she just sent? She just sent them and that was it. You know, I'm at an office where I want them to hire me. I'm an unpaid intern and I need to be professional. And I want them to hire me out of school. And I can't like confide in anybody. So I called him during lunch.

And I was like, how do I handle this? What do I do? I'm out of total loss here. You know? And in my mind, I'm thinking my parents are swingers. Maybe this is just one of their things. Like, oh my God. I don't know how to like how do I address her.

It's just I don't, but why would she send it to me? And I'm like trying to come up with the answer. And I'm not going to get the answer from anybody but her. And my boyfriend was like, there are two options. You can either confront them and ask what this is or you can ignore it and move on and never know. And, you know, that's who my parents are. They'll never talk about it.

They'll just ignore it too. And I'll never have any clue what it was or what's happening. And I was like, I'm so tired of this. So I texted them back and I'm like, can either of you explain what this is? Because they don't know that I know that they're swingers. And I just assumed that they would just come clean about being swingers and say, like, this was a mistake. I'm so sorry. Like, maybe they meant to send it to each other.

And they accidentally clicked our group chat or something. And I just got a message from my dad saying, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. And my mom called, and I can't even remember the phone call with my mom. She was just, like, in hysterics. like apologizing and she didn't mean to send it to me.

The story she gave me later was that she caught my dad cheating on her and she was trying to send the evidence of that to her own phone so she could get a divorce. But you can't get a divorce in the Philippines. I'm pretty sure it's illegal there. It's one of those countries where it's literally, you're married forever, you know. And I don't even know how they would get divorced if they would come back. to the States and file or whatever. So I wasn't fully buying this. I wasn't, I didn't fully believe her.

I was just like, okay, what do you want to do? And she said, they were working it out, you know, my dad was really sorry and he'd been cheating on her with a friend and they wanted to work it out. And I was like, okay, I'll take it, you know, if that's the thing, I'll take it. My dad sent me an apology letter, maybe a few months after that, just full of I'm not the perfect father. I'm not a perfect husband. I'm so sorry to you. I'm afraid I've, like, damaged our relationship forever, you know, he was like, I've ruined my relationship with you. I just want the best for you, just a lot of, like, groveling and things like that.

And I didn't respond. My mom called me and said, if you don't appellate, or. if you don't forgive your dad, he's going to kill himself. And I was like, okay. So I sent him a letter back and I was just, I emailed him back and I said, it's going to be okay. I'm, you know, I just said, it's going to be all right. I just want you guys to be happy and maybe you guys should consider coming back, moving back to the States and starting over to work on it or whatever. I didn't want to overstep. And I said, this is just coming from a place of love. I'm worried about you guys and I'm here for you.

And then things kind of went normal for a little bit. It was really weird. Like I never talked to my dad again. No more FaceTime calls with him. My mom would call and she would talk to me still. And she'd be like, your dad's in church. He's changing. He's turning things around.

Things are okay. Between us, we're doing good. He's in therapy, you know, things like that. And I was like, okay, well, I'm glad to hear it, but he still never talked to me. I never really talked to my dad again. And I'm sure it was because he was ashamed, you know, but that was the end of it for me and my dad there. We never really saw each other face to face. I still haven't seen them since they left to the Philippines.

my mom started calling me. I would get the phone call at like 3, 4 o'clock in the afternoon, which was like 3 a.m. or so in the Philippines. It was the opposite. And she would be in tears. And she'd be like, your dad's beating me. Just hysterical tears. It was hard to understand her.

There was one time she called me and she was like, I'm locked in the car. Your dad was beating me. I need to get out of here. And I was like, what can I do? You know, she's like, things have been, he's been sleeping with other women behind my back. And he's going to kill me if I don't get out of here. And she was like, I need you to send me money.

And when I told her, like, I can't send you any money, then things would just turn. And she was like, it's always about money with you. She would start screaming at me, calling me worthless and useless again. And it just from there, I would end up hanging up. up and she wouldn't talk to me for weeks again. But these phone calls happened every, I would say, like, once a month. She would call me in hysterics in the afternoon and she'd be like, your dad's going to kill me. I need money. Please send me money. Do you think that he was actually beating her? Do you think that? I have no clue. I have no clue. Like, I've, I've wondered that

too. I don't know if maybe he did. I know he's capable of it because I experienced it firsthand. I don't know if he really was or if she was lying about it. Yeah, it was like a manipulation thing again. Yeah, because my mom's like lied to me about so much over the years. But every time it came to like I was I was trying to be there for my mom and like console her and stuff. But when it came to I needed to send me money, it was always I can't send you money. I just couldn't do it. It didn't it didn't feel right.

She would turn and she would start yelling at me, calling me worthless. and useless again, and I would hang up. And this happened for a while. Like, this cycle went on for months and months, and I was struggling so hard. And I was like, what do I do? How do I get this to stop? You know, I would send her a message and be like, please, please stop calling me. She would clearly be drunk every time she called. You know, she was calling me at work. It was really affecting my work. I remember, like, she was so loud over the phone, because I felt like I couldn't not answer her call. I would take a break from work and talk to her. And I remember my boss one day over hearing her on the phone because she was so loud. And he knew that I was like struggling with my parents and

something was going on. But he didn't know the details. But, you know, at that point, like he was like, if there's anything I can do for you, you know, I'm sorry you're going through it. And it just didn't stop until one day, like, I can't remember what changed or how I got her to open up to me like this, but I told her during one of these phone calls, I was like, I felt like I confronted her finally. I was like, I don't know what you expect for me. You know, you've always been so mean to me. And I don't know what's what you want. You know, I can help you. I can be there for you, but I can't give you money. And she broke down over the phone on FaceTime. And she broke down. And she told me everything.

She told me that they had been swingers for years, that they had been sleeping with their friends and stuff. And again, I don't, that's fine, whatever, but I don't want to see it in my inbox. That was the crazy thing to me. She said that it was really weird. She, hearing my mom say this, she was like, that woman in the videos and the picture was our play thing. And she was like, I'm trying to get your dad to stop seeing her, but he won't. He wants to, he still wants to be with her and me.

And I just thought it was so wild because, like, on their social media, I was friends with them still. They would post, like, romantic things to each other, pictures of them, like, through the years, like, collages and stuff. But then I'd see, like, that woman that was in the pictures on their social media, too. Like, they would go out to lunch with her. and like I did some snooping on this lady. She was my age and she had a son that was my age, my son's age.

And I was just like, oh, it was just kind of like, you know, even though my mom was telling me all these things that she wants to, she didn't want to be a swinger anymore. She wanted to be with my dad and he wouldn't give it up. But there would be like, I'd have a conversation with her and then days later she'd be getting a pedicure with her. the other woman in their relationship on social media, you know. And that was, my mom wanted to stop being a swinger. My dad wasn't ready to give that up. And that was like why they were fighting. And he was beating her.

And she was, she was afraid for her life was what she was telling me. And I didn't know, you know, what to do. I was at a total loss. And at the time, like, my partner was like, this is when you cut them off. Like, this has been, it was draining. like it was it was keeping me up at night like every time i got a notification on my phone or someone would call i just would seize up with anxiety and i was like it's my mom you know and i'm gonna get more information than i bargained for from her because at once she finally opened up about the

swinging and stuff then like all of these truths came out we she would call me and tell me everything she was she was where i found out like she had told me that when when her and my dad met she was actually 16 and she had to fake her age in order to get married to him so she could move to the States. She had told me, she had told me about telling my son that she was his mom and that I was his sister. She had confessed to that. She had confessed to the guy that had added me on Facebook years ago was one of their partners. She told me that my dad drugged her and, And him and that guy had, like, raped her. And that's why she was in hysterics when she called.

And that was how they started swinging because my dad told her that he wanted to have other people in the bedroom. And she's like, I did this all for your dad because that's what he wanted to do. You know, my mom's had implants, breast implants. And she said that was for him because he wanted her to do it. And she's just always been a yes woman for him. you know, whatever he wanted, she would do. She would tell me all of these stories. She would tell me about their neighbors and how the thing is, like, she told me that

my dad was sleeping with the wife behind her back, and that's why they stopped seeing them. But all of these truths came out. Everything, she really opened up about everything. And she was like, please don't tell your brother. And I'm like, why are you telling me? And she goes, you're the oldest. So this was my burden, I guess.

And I think that was when this was happening, this is when I decided to cut them off entirely. I sent my dad in the email and I said, I can't do this anymore. You know, I hadn't spoken to my dad, but I sent him the email and I was like, you guys are really sick and you need help. I don't know what's true or what isn't. You know, I didn't know if my mom was lying about him beating her. I didn't know if she was making this all up and she just wanted to come home. She was telling me that he, she wanted to come back to the states, but he didn't, he refused to.

He wanted to stay in the Philippines. And they were living off his retirement there. They were, you know, they had good money in the Philippines. But if they came back to the states, they would have to get jobs in order to survive again. His retirement wouldn't be enough. and she didn't have any money. So I sent in this long email and I said, you guys are really sick and you need help.

I can't be your therapist, you know, from my mom. Like I couldn't listen to her talk about this kind of thing. Especially when you don't know what's true and what's not. Yeah, exactly. It was so painful to hear all of this because like a part of me was like, I need to help her. You know, I need to help my mom. I still love her.

I love my mom so much. I think too, you know, everything that they put you through, even though you can acknowledge that it was wrong, I think that it kind of ingreens in you this wanting to please and perfect. Yeah. So that's probably why you felt the need to always answer or try to help because it's like, what can I do to get their approval? Exactly. And that was the story of my whole life is like everything I did was for their approval or just for them to be happy with me.

you're proud of me. Right. But that was like finally when I put my foot down and I just told them like I can't, I'm blocking you off everything. I think you guys need help. I don't want you near my son. I don't want you near me. Like you're not welcome in my life anymore.

And I blocked them off of everything. And it got to the point where I had to change my number because my mom was trying to contact me through different phone numbers. So I did finally end up changing my number. And how long ago was this? This was 2022. Okay. So the photos and videos happened in 2019.

Because I remember my dad sending me that apology email in like 2020 right before COVID started. And then 2022, I finally stopped answering and just blocked them off of everything. So it was two years of dealing with these phone calls from my mom. And just it was, it was miserable on my mental health. It was so painful. every time she would call, I was in a spiral for days. Like, you know, like trying to talk it out. Like, what do I do?

How do I handle this? I had no clue. And so I ended up getting into therapy before I finally cut my parents off. And I was talking to my therapist and I was like, what should I cut them off? And my therapist, bless her. She was like, this is your decision. You know, like people have cut off their. parents for less, you know, and if this is going to help you, you know, you should. If this is going to be

something that's going to make things better for you, you should. And she helped me deal with some really big questions that I didn't even think of when I was thinking about cutting my parents off, which was like, if you cut your parents off, is it permanent? And if it's permanent, like, how would you respond to hearing that one of your parents or both of them passed away? would you be okay with that? And that was a really hard question for me because I talked it out a lot with my partner and I was like, I think if my dad died, I'd be fine. I'd be okay. I'd feel some type of way about it. I'd be really sad, but I don't think like I would be that beat up about it. But my mom, I think that would really hurt because it would feel like I wasn't there for her when she needed

me the most. And that's something that she said to me is like, I've always been there for you. you can't be there for me this one time that I need you and that hurts so bad when she said that to you know it works so well on me like my mom is well I think she's so good at it yeah and I think that she can easily see that you are still very emotionally attached to them and it's obvious like you're sitting here like you're a caring person I think anybody that has a heart and is so-called normal You know, they're going to want to have a relationship with their parents and please their parents, especially when you were raised the way that you were by them. And I think that for someone like you, it's like, I don't want to say that they could do no wrong because you see the wrongs. But it's like in your perfect world, you would have that good relationship with them because they've manipulated you to the point that you know what it feels like to have something good with them.

But then they take it away. So then when it's gone, it's like this back and forth hot and cold. And that's like, that's my whole relationship with them. Right. It's hot and cold. It's they give and take away. They give and take away. That's just how it's always been.

Right. I think I would be really beat up about it if my mom died and I wasn't in contact with her. And recently they did come back to the States to visit my brother. And my mom was talking to me. Like one of the last things she said is she's trying to convince my dad to come back to the States and she said she would leave him and she wanted to stay in the States and he would go back. And that was her plan. So when my brother told me that he was, they were going to come visit him, they were flying in and they were going to stay in his area. I was like, okay.

He was like, I'd really like for you to be there because he found out about all of this too. Like when I stopped talking to my mom, she started calling him and he started getting the same phone calls. And she started telling him everything. At one point, the phone call that he got was my dad had a gun and he was going to kill her and bury her in the backyard. And my brother was like, I don't know what to do. And I didn't know how to be there for him. He wanted me to be there. And I debated about going down there to visit.

to have that to see my parents, you know. I didn't want to bring my son down there because I didn't want to get that messy or anything. But I felt like this might be like my last chance to even see them again. I ended up not seeing my parents for that. It was a lot of like deliberation because I knew a month or so in advance that they were going to be flying out. And I debated it with everyone in my life. I was like, should I go see them? Like, is this a, am I going to regret going to see them or am I going to regret not going to see

them? And I just decided, like, my life has been good without talking to them. I have a really good life without them in it. And I didn't, I didn't want to risk that changing, you know. So I stayed. And I still feel really bad for my brother because I feel like he really needed me. But I couldn't, I couldn't do it for him. I love him to death, but I didn't want to risk. And I wouldn't change it. I'm glad I didn't go. My mom reached out to me from a, she ended up getting my new number because there was this whole fiasco with my brother where he was like, I think dad's going to kill mom. And I ended up calling her to make sure she was okay for my new number. So she did have my new number, but she never reached out to me again until they came to visit. And she asked if she, it was just a plea. It was like, I just want to see you and my grandson, if that's okay. Like, and I just didn't answer. And later that day, my dad sent my brother a message saying that your sister upset your mom.

And now, you know, it feels like we came here for nothing and this has been a waste of time. just a very passive-aggressive message to my brother, and my brother was like, I don't know what to do. And I said, you know, just this will pass. It'll be okay. Let it go. And I didn't hear anything again from them. Things were okay. Things were fine.

And I do keep my parents blocked on everything. I don't check on them. Every once in a while, I'll check. I'll unblock and see how they're doing if they're okay. And from what I can see, like, they're all right. You know, I haven't seen that other woman in their pictures. I haven't seen anything pertaining to their swinging or whatever. It just seems to be fine.

The one thing I noticed is absolutely wild to me is they've adopted, and I don't know if they're my parents' nieces, but they adopted my, they adopted my cousins, I guess, two girls, and one of the girls, they changed her name to mine. And I have a really unique name. Like the spelling, I've never met anybody that has my name. The spelling is super unique. They spelled it exactly the same way. And they call her by my name and she's, I think she's entering middle school. So they have girls now that they're raising, like when I checked on their social media, like these girls were getting my parents like Father's Day gifts and Mother's Day gifts and they call him dad, you know, and that hurts so

bad. Like, I remember the way I actually found out about it was my grandma called me. and she's like, do you know about this? That they have a, she knows I'm in no contact with them. And I guess someone in the family had contacted my grandma and said, it's kind of strange that they have girls there and one of them is named after their daughter. You know, and I looked. I unblocked them on Instagram and looked and I was like, oh, my God, I can't believe this. I feel like this is a nightmare, you know.

Because my grandma called and she's like, how do you, are you, did you know about this? How do you feel about this? I had no clue. But with everything that's going on, my mom saying that he's going to kill her and she needs to get out of there and he's drinking and he's swinging and seeing other women, they're young girls in that house.

And I don't know if they're going through the same childhood that I did or if they're like, I'm trying to cope with like why it is that way. Like why would they name her after me? They legally changed her name to mine. I think that your story with your parents has a lot of lies that you will never, you might never have an honest answer to and your parents might not even have a reason. Yeah.

I don't want to say that they're sick people. Oh, it's okay. I think they're parents. I think they are. But it's just like to treat a child that way, you know, besides your brother. You know, the fact that they treated him different. in front of your faces is disgusting in my opinion. But besides that, like to treat a child that way is just like you said, like to reflect back

and think that your mom was your biggest bully. Yeah. It's heartbreaking. You know, and the chances that they're doing it to, and you said it was their nieces. I think, I don't know who these girls are. I think they're their nieces. Whether they are or they aren't, I think that thinking about that and dwelling it in one and wondering is only going to be draining.

Yeah. And not good for your own mental health. But then renaming a child after you. Yeah. To me, that shows that there is something there. Like, that's just not right. Like, I don't know if, once again, I don't know if it's a control thing.

I don't know if it's, they're just trying to relive this same toxic kind of pattern over and over. I don't know what it is. Like I said, I don't know if you'll ever know. they'll even really know. Maybe like I was trying to cope with it. Like maybe they're trying to redeem themselves as parents and start over with this. That's even that's crazy. That's not. And the thing is, is like I said, you clearly, you know, it's amazing that you came out the way you did to be such a like loving and genuine and sweet person. That's my grandma said the same thing.

Yeah, because it's very easy for something to go in opposite direction. Oh yeah. Yeah. So for you to turn out the way. And there might be even a part of them that's angry that you turned out so sweet. You know what I mean? Like there might be even something in them. It's like, how could we beat someone down so much and there's still so much better than us? Yeah. Like that's how I do it. Yeah.

Because you took so much mental and emotional abuse and you still turned out to be a better person than the two of them combined could ever be. Yeah. You know? And I think honestly, like, physical. beatings were fine. I think I could have recovered from that. Like a lot of people my age grew up getting hit by their parents and I, you know, we coped with it in our own ways, but like the psychological warfare of like not being spoken to for months, you know, not being acknowledged. That was really hard. And I think that's what made me want to like, I wanted their attention so bad

in any way that I could get it. And that might have been like why I acted out. I don't know. These are things that I've had to talk to my therapist about and try and cope with. Like the depression I went through. And I don't want to blame them entirely for it. But like I've always been depressed. I've always been.

It felt like my whole life was just like existing around this infinite sadness that I was dealing with constantly. And when I got into therapy, and ended up taking medication, it changed my life. And I was so nervous about it, getting started on all of that and medication and stuff and like coping with my depression that way. Because the first two weeks, the first month I was on antidepressants, it felt like I was in a fog, like a deeper fog. But I guess after like my body got used to this medication, it felt like everything opened.

And I did feel like a different person. And I think that was the point because who I was prior was very different. And I think who I am today is just the best version of who I could be, you know. And it does feel like they did try to beat me down. I really do think they wanted me and my brother to not be close. Like I'm positive. They don't understand why me and my brother have a close relationship. Because I'm sure I there is an alternate timeline where I envy my brother so much that I hate him, you know?

But it's not his fault. And it's not my fault. And as much as I like try and tell myself, like I was a terrible kid, I acted out a whole lot. I was hurting a lot and I was a kid at the end of the day. and my parents were adults and they made their decisions and they have to live with it, not me. I don't want to live with it anymore. Like, I want to move on from it. And whether or not they're trying to redeem themselves with their niece that they named after me.

And it's really crazy because when I do look at their Instagram and kind of check on them, she's everywhere. Like all of my dad's posts are of her. Like I would say eight out of ten of his posts are her like holding up a certificate that she got a black belt or she, you know, achieved honor role in school. And it's her name. It's my name on this certificate, you know. And it's when I look at that, I'm like, well, she's the daughter they want. wanted this whole time. You know what I mean? Like she's achieving all the things that they wished I had and I wasn't able to do for them. And that's okay. That's okay with me. I can still like move on from that.

And I'm, I have my own family to take care of, you know, and that's that's that. And I think you're Right. Like, I will never get answers from them. I'll never, even if I ask those questions, I, they might just be lying. I'll never know. Well, here's the thing, too. Even if this other child is the most perfect kid, giving them everything that they wanted out of the daughter. That's not how the world works. Right, right. You know what I mean? Like, you have a kid, you don't know what you're going to get. Right. Okay, we could all say, I want to get, I want to have a,

want to have a boy and I want to have this personality and be like this. And if he's not like that, does that mean we bully him and we beat the shit out of him? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So, you know, I think that once again, because of your personality and who you are naturally, it seems like you want to see the best and things. It also seems like you will, when you check in on them, you will be harder on yourself still to this day. And like these questions will kind of run.

running wheels in your head of like, well, why? Or maybe it's because of this or maybe that. And like you want answers. And that's normal. Like as a human, we want answers. We want to understand because if we can't understand, it's just like, it never can leave our head, it feels like. Yeah.

Unless we, you know, really, really work through it for years and years and years. Right, right. And even then sometimes we still have days where we're sad or confused and all of that is normal. But I think it's so important for you to never blame yourself for any of this. Because any person will tell you, like, none of those behaviors were normal, you know. And it's one thing, you know, everybody's into their own thing. If your parents or anybody, any parents want to be swingers, cool, do you?

Yeah. Get you off? Sure. Yeah. I just don't want to know. No. To involve your child in it, not normal. I don't, once again, to me, it's like, usually I can sit here and, like, in my own

head, I can brainstorm, like, maybe they did something like this for this reason or that. I have no idea. Yeah. Like I, this, there's no like reason. This circumstance has me baffled. I'm confused and, you know, not everything in life, do we have an understanding or an answer for? But I look at it this way. Just because they're your parents doesn't mean that you owe them anything.

Yeah. It doesn't, you know, and it's a hard truth. You know, something that my therapist told me is that blood doesn't always mean everything. Right. You know. And yeah. you're able to reflect and look back and be like, my parents gave me A, B, and C, that was great. You know, they were there for me in this wing and they taught me this positive lesson and

there can be good, you know, a few good. But if something is more bad and it's draining for your mental health and your career and your life and your family and it's not positive for you and it's not helping you maintain or become the best version of yourself, then it needs to go. Exactly. And I don't think that you necessarily need to think of it or look at it as like, okay, this is a forever decision. I do agree that it's important to, you know, think about if something were to happen, would I have regrets? But if right now, like we have to, as humans, we have to do our best, in my opinion, to live in the present moment.

If right now something's not good for you, it just has to go. You know, and I think that you have spent so many years still try, even in your adulthood, trying to please them, trying to make them happy, trying to form this healthy bond and relationship and just have a good, normal, stable relationship with your family, and you get it, and then you don't. And I think that when you keep doing that cycle, you get tired, and sometimes you just need a break. And if you ever, and if in five, ten years, you think, I want to try again, try again. And if it happens again, then you take another break, and maybe you never go back. Yeah.

Who knows? But whatever you decide, never be hard on yourself for that because it does really seem like every decision that you make is coming from like your heart. And that's what's most important. Definitely put yourself first. Yeah. And they're not in contact with my dad's side of the family either. So it's not just me. It's my grandparents and my aunt. And they're all kind of coping with the loss of them too. They just don't know the details that I do. So it's just. It's confusing.

Yeah, it is. It's really hard because, again, I can think about, like, why they did the things they did forever. Like, but I'm just not going to know. And that's okay. And they still talk to your brother? They still talk to my brother. That's the only side of the family or this side of the family that I speak to. I know my mom is close with her family in the Philippines now.

they spend time with them over there. Do they still live there? They're still in the Philippines, yeah. And the thing is, like, she had said that she wanted to come back to the states with my dad and then stay in the U.S. and, like, he goes back and they get a divorce. That was her plan. But they ended up leaving together to go back to the Philippines.

And for me, that was, like, all the closure I needed is if my mom's going to come back and not do what she said, like, leave my dad. if she goes back to the Philippines with him, then maybe she was lying to me. Right. I don't know, but she decided to go back with my dad, even though, like, one of the last conversations I had with her was, you know, my brother had agreed that he would be there. Like, she could live with my brother and she could start over. And I'd even told her, like, we'd be there for you.

You know, we're all here for you to help you get away from him if this is really going on. and she just she didn't take him up on that and she ended up going back to the Philippines so I don't know I don't know I haven't spoken to them since then you know and that was that was an answer enough for me to let go of it all and just you know maybe in the future I can reach out to them again but in the meantime like now that I'm not speaking to them my life is like really opened up for me. It feels like I'm not disappointing anyone constantly. And I notice like there's been a lot of people my age that have chosen to just cut off their parents and like they're just not speaking to their parents anymore. They're on like a low contact, no contact. And or even just boundaries.

Yeah, just basic boundaries. Yeah. And you know, and now that you have a child, which I'm sure you know this as well, It's like, as a parent, you have to be the best version of yourself to show up for your child. Right. So if your parents are draining that from you, that's going to take away from your child. You know, your experience with your own child, and that's the last thing you want. And one of the biggest things was I didn't want my mom and dad near my son. That has never changed.

Like even when we, when they, when we were kind of on talking terms, I was uncomfortable. They, you know, they talked about maybe taking my son out to something or just one-on-one, but I didn't feel comfortable with that. Little kids are so impressionable. Yeah. I feel like people don't realize that. Mm-hmm.

You know, and you know what me was telling him. Yeah, yeah. And he remembers that, too, which is crazy to me. He's actually talked to me about that because he's 13 now. He's going to be 14 this year, and he's spoken to me about. you know, the things she would tell him. Does he ever say that he wants a relationship with them? No.

He's overheard me talking about my parents, and he's, you know, it's been so long since he's seen them. It's been so long since he's talked to them. And some of the conversations, like when I was video chatting with my mom while they were in the Philippines, like she would call and ask to speak to my son, and I'd do the whole thing where it's like, hey, you know, grandma's on the phone. You should talk to her and tell her how school's going, things like that. This is when we're on good terms. And she would say things to him that I recognized her saying to me, like, you're getting fat. Like she said that to my son. And, you know, after a few conversations, my son would tell me, like, it's kind of weird talking to her, you know? And I was like,

this is, this isn't, I can't do this. Like, I can't put him through this. I don't want her to start treating him the way that she treated me. And I always thought like maybe, maybe it's because I was a girl and my brother's a boy and my son's a boy that he wouldn't be treated the way I was. But maybe, I don't know. I have no clue. I know that you said you sent your dad an email. Did you ever like lay it out for your mom too or no? She, and this is really weird. I don't even know if my dad saw that email because we weren't really talking to begin, well, from that point on, we weren't talking. My mom was still trying to reach out and contact me on like Instagram. She would make new Instagram accounts and new Facebook accounts.

And I sent her a message back and I was like, listen, I sent dad an email. And that kind of like explains why I'm, I have you blocked and stuff. Because she's like, why did you block me? Why did my only daughter block me? Have you ever this is just curiosity and obviously it's coming from my perspective, which is I'm not her daughter. So, you know, I can sit here and be like, I'd tell it to her straight. Yeah. But like I know that you're not that kind of person or, you know.

Have you ever had the urge to just like very bluntly be like. Tell her off and stuff? Yeah. All the time. Like all the time. And I don't know if you have to be like rude or disrespect. Right. just be like, I mean, you are a bully?

Oh, yeah. I have. And that's still so nice. That's such a fantasy. Just to be like honest with her about the way she made me feel. Like I've dreamed about, you know, telling that. Have you ever been just like written it at, like written her a letter to like for yourself? Yes.

My partner, he writes letters that he'll never send, you know. Right. To get his feelings out. therapeutic just to be able to... My letter that I wrote to my parents telling them that I was going to cut them off was originally like six pages long. It was so long. Yeah.

I wrote out this whole thing and I looked at it and reread it over and over again and I was like, I can't. And really the letter that I told them I was cutting them off was only maybe like five, six sentences. And I said all the best, you know, I hope you're okay. And that was it. Like it was as nice as I was like. could be, but I have written a whole lot of letters to my mom, but I don't want to, I don't want,

I know she's going through a lot, you know, whether or not this is true or the life that she's living, like, I know she's going through so much, and I don't want to, it's already too much. I don't want to add to it, you know, and I just want to move on from her. Like, maybe one day she'll leave my dad and she can start over and stuff, and she'll change. But who she is, like, even from a super young age, she's always been terrible to me. Like, to family and friends, she's told people, you know, the things you do as a kid that's embarrassing, like, she would tell people about it. She would, if I was on the phone with my boyfriend in high school, she would answer the, she'd pick up the landline and say something

super embarrassing to humiliate me. Like, she's always been my biggest, bull. Like any, like, I've always felt my whole life I was too fat. I was, you know, my hair's not right. Nothing about me is right. I don't dress the way that I should. I'm just not pretty. I'm not this. She's been the source of every, every issue I have with myself. Every insecurity. Everything. Like, she's, she's, she would be like, aren't you ashamed? You know, you should feel embarrassed. and I'm embarrassed about everything because of her for the longest time throughout adult life. Like, I've had just terrible anxiety because of her. And I've...

You know why people do that? Because they're so disgusted and miserable with themselves. Yeah. She, I think that you were the easiest outlet. Mm-hmm. You were right there. You needed her. Mm-hmm.

You know, I think that it's so easy for a child to need a parent or to lean on a And I think with that, mixed with the manipulation games, or the push and pull. And, you know, it's clear that they didn't have many long-term friends because they ruined all those. They did. Yeah. So you just, it seems like you were just the easiest outlet. You know, and you have to remember sometimes, you know, if this is who she is as a person, just because someone has a child doesn't mean that they're going to treat their child differently than how. how they would treat a person on the street.

Yeah. Sometimes that's how it is. You know, so it's like you can still be her kid and she might have a different love for you. But if that's who she is to her core, just a bully and a mean person or just a miserable, like she might just be so unhappy within herself. Yeah. And that's the way she gets it out is treating whoever is closest to her, which is you. Yeah.

You know, like, and I don't even mean closest like in a bond way, just like presence. Like you were right there. And she said that to me. me in our conversations towards the end of our relationship, she said, like, you're my only friend, you're all I have, you know, and that's why she was telling me all these things. She's like, you're the only family I really have left that I can confide in. And so you get both of it. You get her good and you get her back. Yeah, it was terrible. And just like growing up and finding out, like, because my parents had this, again, they had this perfect relationship,

this perfect marriage, just perfect everything. But I found out like, a lot of cheating. Like my mom and cheated on my dad a whole lot. That was kind of like something I knew growing up, growing up, but my, there's also, like, did my dad also? Like, when did they stop cheating and when did it become swinging? And when did, like, I don't know. I'll never know. But again, like, I'm okay with my parents being swingers. That's fine. But that's a least of it. Yeah, it really is. But for them to send me pictures like that, and a part of me thinks that she sent that to me on purpose.

I don't think it was, sometimes I don't think it was a mistake. I think she meant to do that to humiliate my dad and make me uncomfortable. Yeah. Because there is even like, a lot of the conversations I had with her while she was drunk, she was like, do you look at those pictures? Do you still have them? And I'm like, oh, my God, no. Right.

No, I actually deleted my face. book after that because I didn't I didn't want it there the fact that it was it was related to my account was so gross to me like I can never look at him the same like I think I hate my dad that's okay like yeah I think I hate him and I a part of me still loves my mom and I worry about my mom and I hope she's okay but I'm not mad at her I'm just disappointed Right. And you are able to, you know, learn from her qualities and characteristics and learn the kind of person that you don't want to be and how you don't want to treat people. Yeah. And how to treat my own kid. Right. And I think, too, something, going back to something you said of, you know, if your circumstances were different, would you be the same person you are today? And probably not.

You know, and I think that does that mean that we deserve to go through traumatic? things, absolutely not. But I do think it makes it a little bit easier when we get to a place of healing and loving our life and trying to become the best version of ourselves. I think it makes it easier to reflect on those toxic or negative circumstances and be like, well, if they didn't happen, I wouldn't know what I know. Because I think that those things do really help you grow emotionally and mentally and they teach you a lot about yourself because you're forced to grow up you're forced almost if you choose to to go to therapy and to learn how to heal through things and to find yourself and kind of learn to accept that we might not always know why and it's okay

for things not to always go normally yeah for circumstances to not be the same as somebody else's and everything in between. Yeah. And closure is just kind of like a nicety. I don't think I'll ever have it. And that's okay. And that's a hard thing to accept because sometimes, you know, we think and it's a very true statement.

If you had closure, it could help a lot. Yeah. But I just have to deal with it myself. Yeah, you got to accept that we don't always get it. And the most important thing is where you are and how you feel and how your life is. Yeah. That's what the most important thing. is you. You know, the only person that you can show up for is yourself. And you're doing that.

So that's all that matters. And I think, in my opinion, I think being so open about your story and your experience and talking about it, I think that's a huge step for you. Yeah, it was a big deal for me to talk about it. So. Right. Because, I mean, it's very obvious that you can see how much it's still it affects you. And that's okay. And I think it's kind of, um, what's the word? Like I, I think that it's amazing that you still have so much, like, love in you. I think that's a beautiful thing. I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all. It would be actually amazing if more people had that.

Yeah. Because I'm sitting over here, like, I'd love to tell it to you. So I think it's amazing that you still have so much just, like, compassion and love and everything in between, you know? So that's honestly something to hold on to what I'm being proud of. Yeah, it's something that I have. to work on. I don't think before cutting off my parents, like there was a period of my life or I didn't think I was capable of loving somebody. Like I had a lot of interpersonal issues with, you know, my first marriage didn't work out. And I had a lot of issues with how I treated people

too. And it, we're all growing. Like we're all learning. We're all figuring it out. And honestly, therapy has been that thing for me to help me hold myself. accountable and not hold myself responsible for the way my parents were. You know what I mean? It's not my fault. That part of my life wasn't my fault at all. That was their choices. Yeah, yeah. I didn't make those choices. So. And the only thing that we're responsible for is our own actions. And I think that it takes us kind of reaching adulthood to see that and then reflect back on it. It just is unfortunate. And I've seen this a lot. just on the show and as I've gotten older, it's unfortunate that it takes us going through

childhood and then like adolescence and then it and then reaching like mid-adulthood. Yeah. That then all these things start to unravel and then it's kind of like going backwards because then we have to heal from it and kind of go back, you know, reflect on everything. And it's unfortunate that we have to do that. But I do think it's a when we get, when we work through that, it is a very positive part of a healing journey. Mm-hmm.

So, yeah. But I'm proud of you for coming on. Thank you. Thank you so much. I think it really was a big step for you. It was. It was. I know, like, I debated whether or not I wanted to tell my story.

And I was like, it's not something I am ashamed of. It's who I am. It's what I've been through. And it helps. It really does. Talking about things really helps. My therapist, just talking to her, you know, I'm in a, much better place after I let it all out and just it feels like I'm letting it go.

Right. And I feel like too, you know, this is just an obvious and something I tell people all the time, but it's one thing to open up and talk to a therapist. And that's so important. I don't think people realize how beneficial and important that it is. But then, you know, opening yourself up onto a platform where you like this, where you can just be completely vulnerable and reach so many people that, you know, might have had similar experiences or feel similar ways. It's really an amazing thing to be able to do. And you should know that there are so many people that will relate to portions of your story. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, and I say all the time, people don't have to be going through the exact same thing to understand or to relate. And one of the biggest and most helpful things, in my opinion, is a sense of community. community and feeling like you're not alone because I'm sure there was plenty of times throughout your life that you were like, I feel alone or by the only one that's going through this, this is weird, you know. So for somebody to be able to have access to someone's story that might make them feel like, wow, I felt that way.

Or this makes me feel like I'm not going crazy or, you know, I'm not the only one that is dealing with this. It gives people, I think, an ounce of hope. Yeah. And like I said, a community and a sense of just like they're not alone. And I think that's a really important thing that people have. Yeah. So amazing job.

Thank you. Thank you so much for coming on here and for dealing with sound issues. Oh, no. It's totally okay. But was there anything else you wanted to include? Do you think you got it all? Yeah, I think. You did amazing.

Thank you so much. I was like, don't cry. We're going to cry. It's okay. It's so good. And really, I feel like there are so many people that could have come out on a different side of of your situation and just be like full of anger and hate and obviously I'm sure throughout your experience you've had moments of just oh it's so much resentment so much anger so much anger I did

I had so much anger in me and that a lot of that was like letting that go too right just trying to move on from my anger because they what is it that they say don't they say that it takes more energy to be like angry and hateful than it is to just be happy yeah and I was exhausted I'm so I'm exasuring. I think there's a lot of anger from my part in my first marriage, and I was exhausted all the time. And that's why I like, I can be accountable for my role in my first marriage and why we didn't work out too, because I was angry a lot. So you were dealing with a lot of shit. You really were.

So, but you did amazing. Thank you.