We're All Insane - OCD Almost Killed Me

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

Scrupulosity is the pathological guilt and anxiety about moral issues. Although it can affect nonreligious people, it is usually related to religious beliefs. It is personally distressing, dysfunctional, and often accompanied by significant impairment in social functioning. Jasmin's Links: Insta: @jasminwest4 TikTok: @sirenstoriess If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Business Inquiries please contact: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. So I'm Jasmine and I'm going to be talking about religious OCD or scrupulosity is another word for it. Now, I do want to preface by saying that this is just one category of OCD. Now, OCD, it's defined as obsessive-compulsive disorder. I'm pretty sure that they've changed the name now, but that's what I was diagnosed with. So that's what I'm going to call it. Now, OCD is essentially an anxiety disorder that causes repetitive, intrusive thoughts that can also cause repetitive, competitive, compulsive.

impulsions. And you can have OCD to literally anything. And the most common ones, I'll kind of briefly touch on, but the most common ones are contamination OCD. So people that have this anxiety over getting sick or germs, things like that. There's also intrusive thoughts OCD where you have these almost like disturbing or distressing things. thoughts that keep popping up in your head and they're very, very repetitive. And you're almost like, why am I thinking those thoughts? Like, that's not who I am as a person. It goes very much against who you are. And that's why it's so distressing. And then there's also OCD towards like being poisoned, right? They have a fear or these people that have this type of OCD have a fear of being like poisoned.

So they can't like leave their open drinks places. Anytime they put their food in the fridge, it's almost like they can't touch it again because they're afraid like someone has poisoned it. So it's a lot of these fears and an OCD really builds off of it. It really feeds off of these fears. So I just wanted to preface that. Now my OCD is religious-based. So it's almost this fear of sinning and it becomes very abysmal. obsessive and you have to imagine that religion is something that people base their morals off of. It's

something that they base their life off of and it can be something that you become obsessed with because you want to make sure that you're living your life the right way. You're living the life that other people in your religion wants you to live and it's a lot of pressure that you can put on yourself even if it's not coming from other people. I know that a lot of people, develop scrupulosity because their parents or their family pushed it on them so much. For me, that wasn't the case. My family did not push religion on me at all. We went to church. My brother and I probably meant we were like six or eight. And then my family was kind of just like, you can make your own decision, right? If this is something that you want to continue to do,

you absolutely can. And I did my. brother, not so much, but I kind of still went down that path, but I wasn't like super like in depth in my religion. So it's kind of odd why I develop this obsession over it, but we'll get into that in just a second. So my first type of OCD started as contamination OCD. So I was very, very young. My first memory with it is being in a grocery store. And I was with my dad, and there was, like, a display of, like, all the candy bars by, like, the checkout area. And I remember, like, as a kid, I'm really short.

So I'm looking at, like, the candies that are more so towards, like, the ground. And I remember, like, thinking in my head because I grabbed a candy bar and I was, like, I feel like the candy bars that are closer to the ground are dirty or, like, there's a lot of germs. Even though that they're wrapped, like, I feel like I shouldn't be eating that because they're so close to the ground, like something must be wrong with them. And I remember, like, just like letting go of that candy bar, putting it back and, like, I just felt like gross. Like my hands, like, felt like there was like a bunch of germs on them. And I was very, very young. I was probably like, like, um, like eight. And that was like my first intrusive thought that I can pinpoint that, like, I got this,

like, anxiety over germs and just like contamination. And it started to just frequent. me out and cause a lot of anxiety. I just didn't know what that was at the time. And remember how I said that OCD really builds off of fears. And for me at the time, because I was so young, my biggest fear was getting sick. I was a kid. That was like the only, like, that was the worst thing that I thought could happen to a person was to get sick. So, you know, and that's for a lot of kids as well. They don't, they're not really introduced into like, you know, the real world. They don't like see the real world type of problems. And so that's why that was my biggest fear at the time. And I started going to elementary school and these little, little thoughts just kept popping up that like, you know,

I would just kind of start looking around like the classroom and just looking at things that like just seemed like dirty to me. Like there was like books that were like on bookshelves. that the teacher just had in the room. And I just remember thinking like, oh, like how many kids are touching those things? Like, I don't want to touch those things. And if I do immediately wash my hands, like, it was such a weird thought as a kid because most kids don't. Yeah, because you're so young to be thinking about those things. Exactly. Like, kids don't really have those thoughts. Kids go play in dirt. Kids go, you know, they don't care. They have, like, sticky hands all the time. Like, and I was very much someone that, like, wanted to be clean. I just wanted to be clean all

the time. And I remember also a thought, like the teachers just let a bunch of us go to like the restroom. And I remember like walking into this restroom and there was like a brick wall. And as a kid, I was always like, I don't know, just like touched things. And so I was like running my hand against like the brick wall. And I remember I just like was looking at my hands and I'm like like I'm going to get like really sick from this. Like I had this like in. intrusive anxiety-filled thought. Like, I'm going to get sick from this. I'm going to die from this, like from touching this brick wall. Like, I need to immediately wash my hands. So, um, so I did. And then I just, I was like, that was the first time that I was like, what's wrong with me?

Like, why am I, you know, my friends don't think this way. Like, why am I thinking this way? And again, like, I try to pinpoint where this OCD started from, but I really can't. like it's not like any of my family had OCD. I know that mental health illnesses do run in my family, and that's why I think people either think that mental illness is something that's either learned or it's something that's just hereditary, like it just passes down. In my case, I really think it was hereditary because I can't really think of anything else that would have caused me to start having these thoughts other than like it just must have

came from, you know, my family. And so after that, I started, you know, growing up, but still in my, like, later years of, like, elementary school, I still had this, like, contamination, OCD, this fear of, like, getting sick. And it started getting really, really bad, where I just, like, was continuously washing my hands. I just, like, didn't want to touch anything. Like I just like I felt like I wanted to be like in a hazmat suit all the time because I was just so afraid of getting sick. And I remember that because I would wash my hands so much, my hands would start to become raw. Like raw. Like they would start cracking and bleeding and being so dry.

I was so young too. So dry. And I remember like my mom. She like took my hands one day and she was like, your hands look like old lady. hands because I was literally starting to get like, they almost looked like liver spots like on my hands because they were so dry that it just started creating like brown spots and almost like, ooh, like my skin was like rotting or something. It looked so nasty. And she was like, why, you know, why are your hands looking like that? And I'm just like, I just don't want to get sick. Like I want to

be cleaned and or clean, excuse me. And my mom was just like, it was just like, it was. just it was her first introduction and my mom does come into play like later in this story talking about scrupulosity but this was like her first inclination that like something's wrong with my daughter like why is she like thinking like this um and i remember her like trying to just like level with me or just trying to say like jasmine you know you you don't get sick that easily Like you're not going to die that easily, you know, just because you go outside to play and come back in, you know, you're not going to get sick from that. Like you don't have to immediately wash your hands. You don't have to immediately shower. Like, you're going to be okay. And I, I, as a child, like, was trying to express to her what I was feeling. But I think she just must have thought that, you know, I was just a kid that just wanted to be, you know, clean. Just because I liked washing my hands or someone likes to wash their hands, that doesn't make it OCD. What starts making it OCD is if you get

this like anxiety from not washing your hands or you have these intrusive thoughts that are telling you, you're going to get sick or you're going to die because you're not washing your hands. That's when it starts becoming OCD and it starts to like just. It's like an obsession. It's an obsession. It's an obsession. It's an obsession. That's what it is. That's what makes it different from just like habit is when you start obsessing over it. Same thing with like people who like everyone locks their door at night. Why? Because they feel safe because they don't want someone breaking in. That's not OCD. That's just kind of like a habit that you do, a routine that you do. But when it starts becoming OCD is when you lock your door and you're like, okay, I have to double check it. Now I have to triple check it. You know what? I better check

my windows too to make sure that they're locked. You know what? I should check my back sliding glass door. I need to make sure my car is locked and they start obsessing and it starts becoming a lot. And then when you're not doing those things, you start to get this anxiety and it's almost like you're laying in bed. You're like, did I check all my windows? Did I double, triple fourth check my door? Like that's when it starts becoming that obsession. And it starts making you just sick. It starts making you miss work because You were up so late checking your doors and your windows that, you know, you slept through your alarm and now you're missing work or you're late to work and now it starts affecting your daily life. And that's when a mental illness starts becoming a mental illness, a mental disorders,

when it starts affecting your daily life that you can't function, you know, as a, I don't want to say normal human being because there's no normal human being, but like you just, you don't function as you usually would. That's when it starts becoming. It's like interrupting a problem. It's interrupting your daily life. And as a little little girl, it was. These thoughts were interrupting my daily life. Just as a child, I feel like I had such an adult thought in my head as a very, very young child, which again, I don't know where it came from. It just, it just came to me. So then after that, I did. grow out of that. I did start to like almost exposure therapy. Like I started to like little by little expose myself to things that could be like germy. So like I don't know. If I played outside, I would like

stop myself from immediately washing my hands until maybe I was going to go eat something. Then I would wash my hands. And I started just little by little trying to gradually introduce use myself to, I guess, germs, I think that sounds funny, but like, you know, petting a cat or petting a dog and not immediately washing my hands and just like telling myself, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. Okay, what's the worst thing that can happen? Okay, you get sick. We'll deal with it when it comes.

But, you know, let's just kind of see how this plays out. And that worked for me. I'm not saying that will work for anybody else. And you did that all on your own? I did. And that's something that's going to be. be very prevalent in this story is I did a lot of these things by myself. I was struggling with a lot of these things by myself because I didn't know how to explain myself. I didn't know how to explain the

thoughts that I was having. I also had this like overwhelming fear that if I did tell someone about it, medication or mental health institution. That's what I thought was going to happen. If I told anyone about the thoughts that I was having and I did not want either of those things, I did not. I did not want medication. I did not want to go to a mental health institution because for me, that would tell me that I'm crazy. You know, that's what I connected those things with, which not necessarily. And I don't want anyone to think that because you're on medication or because you go to a mental health institution that you're crazy. But that's just what I thought. That's what I've seen in movies and in shows. So that's what I thought was going to happen. So I kept everything to myself.

So when I was explaining these things to my mom, it was very just minimal things or things to my dad too. It was just very much like the surface level of what was happening. So I think that also kind of made them think like, oh, it's not really a problem. Like, you know, I think she's handling it. She'll grow out of it. That's another thing too is when I was expressing these things to them because I was so young, they're like, she'll grow out of it. It's probably just like a thing that she's obsessing over as a kid. So coming more so into middle school, I grew out of the contamination OCD, but I started developing

other types of compulsions and obsessions. Like that was still lingering. The OCD was still there. It just came in different forms. So at this time, now it kind of turned into more so of like the intrusive thought OCD. of like if I didn't do certain things, I truly believed that either I was going to die or my family was or like someone in my family was going to die if I didn't do a certain action. If I didn't, for example, like, and it's going to sound really crazy. But I, like, believed that if I didn't

like brush my teeth like continuously for like five minutes and I like stop. in the middle of it. I truly believed, like, my whole family was going to die. Like, something was just going to happen to them that they were all going to die. And these are, these thoughts are obviously very irrational. And what's crazy for a lot of people with OCD, it's like they know these thoughts are irrational. I knew that that wasn't going to happen. Like, my family wasn't going to die because I didn't brush my teeth for, you know, a certain period of time. But it's almost like this thought of like, but what it? Yeah. Like what if you don't brush your teeth for this amount of time and your family does die and you could have done something to prevent it? Might as well just do it to be safe.

Might as well just, you know, brush your teeth because that's the least that you can do. You're saving your whole family. So that's kind of what would replay in my head every single time. So I started obsessing over brushing my teeth. I started back up with the washing of the hands. I started washing my hands, you know, all the time. Um, I started, started obsessing over drinking a glass of water before bed because I believed if I didn't drink the right amount of water before bed that I was going to get dehydrated and die my sleep. Like that's what I was telling myself. And it doesn't make sense. It's strange. But I don't, it's just like, again, it's a fear that it attached to. And it just kept replaying and replaying and

replaying and what a lot of people will kind of, you know, hear this and say like, well, why didn't you just not do those things? Like if you knew that they were irrational, why didn't you just like, you know what, tonight I'm just not going to drink the glass of water or, you know, just stop whenever you wanted to and just kind of set your glass down and go to bed and just force yourself not to get back up and drink that glass of water. And for me, I kind of explain it like how it's kind of this, it's very similar. I don't want to say the same thing, but it's very similar when you ask someone who struggles with Tourette's. A lot of people's questions to those people with Tourette's is, why don't you just not, you know, do those ticks or those actions, right? Why don't you just

stop yourself from doing them? And they'll explain it like, because if I don't, it's like almost it's like overwhelming. Like, it kind of feels like someone's just like squeezing you or just like you get so much anxiety that it becomes unbearable that you just have to do it. Otherwise, you're just, it's not going to relieve this feeling, this like uncomfortable feeling. And that's what happened to me because trust me, I tried. I would try to just like leave my glass of water on my nightstand and like just lay in bed. And I would sit there as long as possible. But it was just like these thoughts kept coming in like your whole family's going to die. your whole family's going to die.

Your whole family's going to die. And I'd be like, okay, fine. Okay, fine. I'll just drink the water. Like, just to, like, quiet down these thoughts. And I think what why people with OCD, when it starts to become really, really bad, they start thinking of ways to quiet it. They start thinking of, you know, suicidal ideation.

And it's because, like, these thoughts are so loud that they just want it to be quiet. it in their head. And I like to explain it like someone that doesn't have a mental illness, the noise level in their head is almost like the same as like as if you were in a room with two other people having a conversation. Like it's not that loud. You know, it's just kind of like some noise in the background and that's it. But for someone that has like OCD, these thoughts start becoming so loud that it's almost like you're in a high school assembly. Like that's the noise level in their head. It's so loud. And you're just like, how can I quiet this? It's so loud. So it's either just dealing with the noise or just doing these compulsions to quiet it down.

So that's why it just starts to become repetitive and repetitive and repetitive. So I had that. And then I also, I had this obsession with my door. It's so strange, but I had this obsession with my door. And I didn't like my door closed, but I didn't like it open. It had to be like a certain, like, crack open, like a few inches. And the amount of time that I would spend making sure my door was like this amount of open was insane. I would like I would go to bed early on purpose like at 9 o'clock. just so I know I could spend like an hour perfecting my door.

It's crazy. And what's so wild is like my mom and my brother didn't know this was happening. Like they were like downstairs, you know, watching TV or doing like their own thing or maybe getting ready for bed. But they didn't know I was like spending this amount in time making sure that my door was open a certain amount. Okay, this thought is kind of crazy. But it was the thought of like if my door is not open a certain amount, all the air in this

room is going to get sucked out and you're going to die of suffocation. That's what I would tell myself, is that I was going to die of suffocation if my door wasn't open a certain amount. And if it was open too much, I believe that someone was going to break into my house and find my room. And because my door is the first one open, they're just going to come into my room. So it was like in a lose-lose situation. So it had to be this like perfect amount. So the air wouldn't get sucked out of my room and no one would break into my room at night. And so I would spend so much time in my brother. I love him, but he obviously didn't know what was happening.

And all he knew was I had this thing with my door. And so he would do this thing where he would run upstairs and throw open my door. And I would just scream because in my head, I knew that I just spent like an hour perfecting this. And I would be screaming and crying like, why did you do that? And my mom thought like, she obviously like saw like it was a very intense thing that was happening to me or a feeling that I was happening. But she was like, Jasmine, like it's going to be okay. Just like, I'll close your door for you.

I'm like, no, you can't. I have to. I have to close it a certain way. And she just thought it was like, you know, siblings bickering. Like our siblings just like being mean to each other or whatever. And she didn't really understand the magnitude of it. And for me, it was just like, it was so intense. It was like my world like crumbled whenever he would do that because I knew then that that means I would have to spend like 30 minutes to like an hour trying to perfect it again. And I could not go to sleep unless I did this. I could not sleep. That was another thing. Like it was I would just have to lay in bed again because I tried. I tried to just be like.

like, okay, you know what? My door's opened out. I'm just going to fall asleep with it. And I just couldn't, I couldn't sleep. I just, like, would be in bed, like, shaking or just, like, they're not thoughts that you can just shut off. Like, they're not just, it's not something that you can just, like, muff and it goes away. It's not something that you can distract by, like, oh, maybe I'll just, like, put on a TV show or listen to some music and I'll drown it out. It just, it doesn't work that way. it's just like these thoughts keep coming and they keep coming and they keep coming and it's like it's almost just like imagine you were sitting in a room with someone and they just kept repeating the same phrase to you over and over and over and over again like eventually you're going to be like sick

of it you're going to be like shut up like shut up like stop saying the same thing over and over and over again to me and that's what it was like in my head it was like someone just like repeating the same thing over and over again like imagine someone saying like you're going to die you're going to die you're going to die you're going to die like it was just that over and over and over again and so yeah i wanted to shut this person up and just like okay fine i'm just going to do these like compulsions just to relieve this noise why these things relieve the noise i i'm not sure it's just like the only way i can explain it is just like a lot of people with oCD they'll say like or you'll ask someone with OCD, like, how do you know, like, when, you know, to stop playing with your door

or to, or when to stop, like, jiggling your doorknob or when to stop, like, turning on and off your lights because those are a lot of compulsions as well. And a lot of, like, the people with OCD, their answer is, like, when it feels right. And that's the best explanation I can give, too, is like, I would stop playing my, with my door when it's enough, when it was enough. That was it. It was like, when it was enough, when it felt right, when my anxiety felt at ease, that's when I would stop. But there wasn't like, some people do have like an OCD towards numbers. And honestly, I wish my OCD worked with that because then I could stop at a certain number. But like a lot of people with scrupulosity, which I'll get into. So I actually did have a

compulsion with like numbers and it was the number three. A lot of people that have scrupulosity, they have something around the number three because of like the Holy Trinity. Like that's just like kind of what they connected to, which is very, I don't know why. And so I had that as well. Three three, three. Oh my. Oh my gosh. Three and the number three. Well, I like the number three. I don't think it's a bad number either. But yeah, I won't kind of get into that in just a second. But so yeah, I just wanted to explain that it's not something that can just be shut off. It's not something that you can just go to them and just say like, well, just stop doing these things. Just stop thinking these thoughts. and you'll be fine.

I wish I really wish. That's why I do these compulsions to just shut it up. But so then that was mainly my middle school years. And the thing is, is during this time in my life, my compulsions were very much behind closed doors. I was still able to keep it very much to myself, very much fly under the radar with it. It really didn't, it would like occur in school, but I was so distracted in school. I had like all my friends, like I had a bunch of activities that my mind was too distracted to kind of like think of these thoughts. But of course, when I'm at home and I'm either alone or getting ready for bed,

then these thoughts would start to come because I was no longer distracted. It was just me, myself, and I. So then these these thoughts would just start to run. And that's why. a lot of people with OCD, their compulsions usually happen at night because they're alone. Their mind starts to quiet. The world starts to quiet around them. So then these feelings start to come up. These thoughts start to come up because you're no longer distracted by your daily life. So towards the end of middle school, I was told by my mom that she was moving and that I was coming with her.

And I was devastated. I did not want to move because she was moving about like two hours away from my hometown. And it was because she had just gotten remarried and my stepdad whom I adore. I have a great relationship with my stepdad, my father, my biological father, and my mom, my whole family. I'm very, very close to them, okay? So I don't blame her for wanting to move, you know, with my stepdad because of his work. Like, of course, why wouldn't she? She just got remarried.

So in this moment, she also decided that I was going to move with her because she just felt that that was what was best for me at the time. Because the other option was just me, you know, staying with my dad here in my hometown. But for her, she kind of felt like, well, you're, you know, a young woman. You should be with your mother. So I can like, you know, whatever, like just teach you the ropes of womanhood, I'm sure, right? And so she just felt like I needed my mother. And so she wanted me to come with her. But I did go kicking and screaming.

Like, I really did not want to move because I was leaving my friends. I was leaving my activities. I was leaving everything I knew. And she saw this. She saw how, you know, distraught I was about it. But I think I give her sympathy because, again, you know, my mom's living this life for the first time, too. So she just felt that this was something that was going to be best for me. As a mother, this was her decision, number one.

Number two, I think when she saw me being so distraught, I think she kind of just looked at me as like a teenager that like, I wanted to stay with my friends and I want to stay. you know, in high school, like I don't want to move and make new friends. Like, I think that's kind of what she saw. But also, I think in her head, she was like, kids move all the time. Like parents move their kids all the time. You know, why is this going to be such, you know, a big deal? And I think she kind of, like, I would just grow out of it. Like, eventually I would move. I would enjoy the area that I'm in, make new friends, and that would be it. But I was moving during a very pivotal point in my life because it was at the end of eighth grade, I was going into freshman year of high school. So usually kids are moving with their middle school friends to high school and starting this new chapter in their life,

you know, starting to think about, you know, what they're going to do in high school. And it was going to be all brand new for me. I had to like start over. Also, very, very important is this was going to be the first time that I was living without my brother. You know, and I think a lot of kids feel similar if they have like older siblings that like go off to college. It's almost like this emptiness. Like you are leaving everything that you knew like a life that you knew. And my brother was he tormented me, yes, as any sibling would, but he was this like comfort for me.

Like he was familiar. He was, you know, my only other sibling. We were like partners in life since the very beginning. And so this was going to be the first time that I was moving apart from him. And that's something that I struggled with. I was also leaving my dad. And that was something else that I struggled with as well. I'm a child of divorce.

And so I did struggle a lot with like bouncing between the two homes. And I missed one parent over the other when I was at, you know, each of their houses. So now I'm like really moving away from my dad. And again, my mom was not doing this to be malicious. My mom has such a great relationship with my father. And the thing is, is my father respected my mom so much. So when she made this decision, he was like, yes, if you think that's what's best for her, I support you, right?

It's not because he was just like, okay, yeah, you know, go. You know, I don't want to take care of you anymore. No, that was not what it was. He just like, again, he felt like my mother just knew what was. best. And so she made this decision. I ended up moving and I just like spiraled from there. And this is where the bulk of my story comes from is this time. And here's the thing. I moved and I only moved to this area. So it's called, I moved to Royal Oak. It's called Royal Oak. And I moved to Royal Oak for not that long because again, I just, I never, I, I, I never felt comfortable. Like, I never got used to it.

I never got used to moving there. I was so, so sad when I moved there. And my parents could see it. They saw that I was so, so sad moving here without any of my friends, without my brother, without my dad. I was so sad. I wanted to go back. and I just like repeated that to my family or excuse me my parents my mom and my stepdad I want to go back I want to go back I want to go back I want to go back I want to go back I would just not quit I was like I don't know why this decision was made of course as a teenager I'm like why me like I wanted to stay with my friends I wanted to stay at my high school and again I felt like my parents they just were you know they thought she's just a teenager like she again she's gonna like conform or not conform but like she's gonna like feel comfortable here eventually and you know it'll be good and I really did not quit I did not quit and I just I was so lonely I think was what I was really struggling with being in this new place a new environment a new town like it was very very different I knew nothing I didn't know anything here so it was just something that I was trying to get

It used to, I moved like during the summer and so I was about to start school, this new school. And throughout the summer, I didn't have friends here. So I just spent a lot of time by myself, with myself. And that was it. And that's something really dangerous for someone that has OCD because they spend so much time by themselves that they spent a lot of time in their own head. And I just started. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from a. American Criminal.

On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. Like the compulsions that I had in middle school still carried on here. I still had like a thing with like my water. in the way that I drank it. I still had compulsions with washing my hands, rushing my teeth, all those types of things. Light switches were, you know, something that I obsessed over as well.

Door knobs, locks, things like that. I just like I would have to keep touching these things until, again, it felt right. I felt like I could stop. But I, again, I was just, I was really sad. I wanted to go back and trust me. It's not like my parents saw this and just ignored it. They truly, and this is where like, again, I have this sympathy because they really did everything to try to make me happy, to try to make me feel comfortable here in this new place. And they bought me a dog because I just like, again, I think they could see that I was really lonely. And I think I mentioned, I was like, I'd really like a dog. And they're like, okay. we'll get you a dog right anything that works so they got me a dog still have that dog to this day he is our

family dog his name is thor and he really truly is like a part of the family and he did help um some and just like easing again like the loneliness so he was there as a puppy so i had like a new puppy to take care of um and then when i started high school same thing they're like yes any club that you want to join join it If you want to join a sport, we'll get you everything to, you know, be able to do that sport. So I did like lacrosse. I chose lacrosse. And they bought me new equipment that I literally used once, never touched it again. But again, they just, they wanted me to be happy so bad.

So they did these things. And then they even went as far as to I was in this club and this like exchange student needed a new placement home. and I just went home and I was like, hey, this girl from this exchange student program needs a new home. And they're like, okay, we'll do it. So they literally went through this strenuous process to get this exchange student to be placed in our home. And it happened. So we had an exchange student for, it was a very short time. It was a very, very short while.

But again, it kind of just like spoke to like how literally they were doing anything and everything to make me happy. So I wanted to make that very clear as like they didn't just see me as like some sad kid and we're like doing nothing about it. I truly think that they were doing everything to make me happy. But they just didn't understand that it was it was much more than just those things that I needed. So kind of going back, I start or actually going back to summer, again, I told you, like I still had some of these compulsions. And then this is when scrupulosity kind of starts coming into play, or religious OCD. I truly, like I said, I really don't know where this obsession with religion came from exactly. Because I was never a very religious person.

I was so young. Like I just, I didn't really understand religion. I really didn't understand God. I just, I didn't understand church praying like the Bible. I just, I didn't understand those things. And I really wasn't involved like in the church. So it was so strange to me like thinking back now. I'm like, where did this come from?

Like, why did I obsess over this so much? I think that I, because I was so lonely, I was doing like a lot of research. I was just kind of looking things up and like watching videos. and somehow I was introduced to maybe like more like religious content, whatever might be like YouTube videos, things like that. And I was like, ooh, I kind of like this. Like it kind of seems like a community here, like, you know, being a Christian. And I also want to make a clear that scrupulosity, I know I'm saying that wrong, but scrupulosity, it can, it can be from any religion. Like it doesn't have to be Christianity.

you can also be whatever religion. It's really just like it's a spiritual OCD. And I think it is more common in like Christianity or that's obviously the one that I'm familiar with because I do base my religious beliefs off of Christianity. So this is what it attached to. So as a child, I always call it. claimed myself as Christian because that's what, you know, my dad was, like my family was Christian. And so that's kind of just like, I don't know, I was like born into it. I feel like a lot of like

children, they are just like, oh yeah, I'm a Christian just because like their family is. It's not like necessarily that they're like practicing it. But that's just kind of like what they're introduced to. That's what they're familiar with. So I think I just like, I knew that I called myself a Christian, but I was like, what does that mean? So I started looking into it more, and I think this is where my OCD attached itself. So now, like, coming into, like, more of the compulsions. So for me, scrupulous thoughts are, or scrupulous anxiety is this overwhelming fear of like sinning or it's this fear of not getting into this higher place. And so for me as a Christian, my biggest fear was not going to heaven. And remember how I said that, it OCD attaches to fear.

And so as a kid, your fears are very minimal. I feel like kids are unafraid. Like they just like see the world as their oyster. There's not a lot of fear there. So the biggest fear that I had as a kid was getting sick and that was it. Then my middle school years, I started getting introduced to dying. Oh, that's a thing. Okay, I didn't know that, right? And so my biggest fear at that point was dying. And then as a high schooler, I started thinking, oh, so dying's not the worst thing that could happen to you. The worst thing that could happen to you is not getting into heaven as a Christian. So again, that was my biggest fear. That is what this OCD attached to. And I think it's so important to talk about because anytime I see videos like on TikTok of like OCD, I see people in the comments and it

makes me so, so sad. And people in the comments will be like, can you like talk about scrupulosity or can you talk about religious OCD? And that's how I know other people are struggling with this. And it's just not talked about. And we'll we'll kind of get into this as well. But I think the only place that it's talked about is in the Christian community or like by pastors or like religious figures they'll start like they will talk about it but it's not coming from someone who has like struggled with this and again i'll kind of like talk about that in a second but um so my scrupulous thoughts or my oCD was really attached to like the do's and don'ts of Christianity and I think for a lot of people when they think of Christianity, even if you're not a Christian, you kind of, you kind of hear

that there's like do's and don'ts or there's like a rulebook or there's rules that you follow in order to be a good Christian in order to get into heaven. And that's what I believed at this time too, that there were rules, that there were do's and don'ts, that you had to be a certain way in order to get yourself a spot in heaven. That's what I believed. And ooh, did my OCD run with that? started obsessing with that. I'm like, okay, okay. Well, in order to make sure I get into heaven, I have to make sure that I am following these rules to a T, that I had to make sure that I am the most outstanding Christian possible. And I really thought that there was like a perfect avatar of what a Christian should look like. There were no, if ands about it, you had to be a certain

person in order to get yourself into heaven. That's truly, truly what I believe. So let's kind of like talk about like the dues. So the dues that I thought got you into heaven were praying. Like I knew Christians prayed. So I started praying. And the most common times that people would pray it was like before meals. So that's how it started. Before meals, I would pray for my food. Again, not unusual. People do that. So I would pray before my meals. And then I started thinking like, oh, people pray before they go to bed. You know, children are even taught that. So I started doing that.

And again, not unusual. It's just something that you do. And it's something that made me feel like safe. And I think I remember telling you like my biggest fear in middle school was like dying in my sleep. Like I talked about that a lot. And so I thought like, oh, well, if I pray about, you know, not wanting to die in my sleep, you know, God's going to protect me. I'm going to be protected. I'm not going to die in my sleep.

So I would pray about that. But then it wasn't good enough. I just like something like was just telling me like, nope, that prayer wasn't good enough. You got to do it again or else you are going to die in your sleep. So I'd be like, okay, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And like, I would start praying again. And I was like, nope, not good enough. And I would pray.

And I would pray and I would pray and I would pray. And the thing is it wasn't a different prayer each time. It was the same prayer every single time. and this is the most common thing when it comes to religious OCD is praying. This is what people get obsessed with is praying. And so now it's almost like these repetitive thoughts are coming out. Like you're just repeating these thoughts over and over and over and over again. And same thing with my meals.

It got to a point where like I would just like I couldn't like eat until like my prayer was like felt right and I would just keep praying and praying and praying but one thing I told you was like I was really good at hiding this and so I would eat with my family all the time and so I had to be really really sneaky on like how I would pray so they would kind of like see me like fold my hands and I would like pray and they kind of just like oh like maybe she's just like um exploring religion and this is just something like she's interested in now. But for me, I knew like, oh, my family's going to think it's weird if I'm like, I keep like, you know, needing to pray and like, because they're just thinking like, oh, it's just going to be one time. So I would get these like urges. Like I can't eat

until like my prayers are right. So I'd be like, I'm going to go to the bathroom really quick. And I would go to the bathroom and I would be sitting in the bathroom just praying and praying and praying and praying until it felt right. And then I could come up. out and actually enjoy my food. And that's kind of like how I would be sneaky about it, is I would just like leave the room, pray and come back. So they just thought like, oh, she's going to the restroom. So she, they never really saw it. I tried to make sure that I hid this as well as possible. Again, at some point, I started realizing this was a problem. And I started realizing like, oh, my parents are going to notice this is a problem. So I'm most likely going to get on medication or

they're going to try to take me to therapy or they're going to try to take me to a mental institution. So for me, I was like, I got to hide this. I got to hide it and I got to hide it well. And then it got to a point where I praying before my meal wasn't good enough anymore. Now I had to pray before every time I took a bite of food. And then it got to a point like if there was a bowl of chips, I had to like pray before every chip that I put in my mouth. If I had a stick of gum, I had to pray before I ate this stick of gum. And again, I would, the intrusive thought would come. And that intrusive thought was like, if you don't pray and your prayer isn't good enough, you're going to go to hell. That's it. Like, that's just what's going to happen to you. And that thought would repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat. And I would be so scared that like, because I have no idea. And that's what's so hard about scrupulosity or religious OCD is like, you can't just go upstairs to God and be like, hey, is this true or not? Like, because it, it's, it's, it's.

doesn't work like that. So it's like you are having this internal battle and you almost just like, you have no one to talk to about it. You can't go to God directly and be like, hey, am I really going to go to hell if I'm not praying before every single chip that I put in my mouth? So you just kind of convince yourself that that's what it's what that's what's happening or that's the rules. So then that would happen. And now let's talk about some of the don'ts. So some of the don'ts to like Christianity are like the very basic one like, oh, you're not supposed to curse. So again, I took that and I ran with it. And I started thinking like, oh, okay, I'm not supposed to curse. So I probably shouldn't hear anyone else curse. So I started avoiding music that had curse words. I started avoiding

TV shows that had curse words, movies. I started like separating myself from people because I don't know, Like in our society, like kids, especially in high school, they're swearing all the time. Like, it's just like a thing. And so I tried to like almost like separate myself from people because I could not hear curse words. And if I did hear a curse word or somehow I accidentally like, you know, swore myself, I would literally have to go into like this spiritual warfare and like pray for the people that like swore and like, pray to God for forgiveness on these people, pray for like my forgiveness that I heard it. Like it started becoming so bad that I would just like literally have to be like, I'm so

sorry God that I heard these swear words. I'm so sorry that these people swore in front of me. Like please forgive them. Like I felt like it was my duty to literally save all of humanity or everyone who has ever said a curse word in their life. Like it was such like this pressure on me. imagine putting that pressure on you, like that you have to save all these people. That's what I believed is I had to save all these people. And if I didn't, ooh, you're not getting to heaven. You're not a good enough Christian then. That's what I would tell myself, we're repeating that to myself.

And that's what's really, that's what took me to that dark place is because I was telling myself that God hated me. Like, it was either that it was like a lose-lose situation for me. because it was like if I prayed but my prayer wasn't good enough, God hated me. If I didn't pray at all, God hated me. So I had to do like one or the other and it was never perfect. It was never perfect for me. And that's what was really, really difficult. So the cursing was one of them. The color red. And that's why I'm wearing red today. I could not look at red. I could not touch anything that was red. I could not wear anything that was red. I could not wear anything that was red. Like, I couldn't eat foods that were red. I had to avoid the color red. And I remember someone on TikTok talking about this, but it's such like, again, an irrational thing. But the reason why I had to

avoid red is because when we think of hell and we think of the devil, what is the use the color of? It's red, right? That fire is the color of red. So I immediately connected these two things with evil. And so I had to avoid all these things. And again, if I didn't, ooh, I had to pray about it. I really did. I had to pray about it to make sure I was forgiven to look at the color red. Imagine how many things in the world are red. So you have to imagine, I was praying a lot in my head all the time constantly.

And it got to this point where I was praying in my head constantly. You would be looking at me talking to me. I would not be listening to you because I would just be praying in my head over and over and over again to try to like release this anxiety that's that's in me. I was like truly a shell of a person and I was living in my own head. I felt so suffocated. And again, you have to imagine it's like you're just going about life with someone following you repeating the same thing over and over and over again. It's going to drive you nuts. It's going to drive you nuts. It's going to drive you nuts and I was driven mad with this. These thoughts were just all encompassing. Like I was so

tired. I was so tired because it mentally drained. I was so drained. And it's crazy because I'm not doing like anything physically like strenuous. It's all in my head. It was all in my head but you know again people have to understand that thoughts are tiring thoughts are tiring and especially thoughts like that they become very very exhausting it just felt like at the end of my day that i had ran a marathon like i was so exhausted but again there's no plug there's no just anything that will quiet it it's just like you might be relieved for like 10 minutes and then it just starts it's over again. The next time I see the color red, the next time that I hear a curse word, it just all started again. Some of my other compulsions were numbers. So I, you can probably imagine

which number was a big no-now, and that was the number six. I could not look at the number six. I couldn't do anything in the number six, like any actions that had to do with the number six. if I had like a receipt and it had like a number six, I had to like purchase something else because I had the receipt had to be a number that did not include the number six. Like I was so deathly afraid of that number. Like it was insane. Same thing. To relieve that anxiety, I would just start praying again.

So for me, like the solution was always praying. That like that was the thing that relieved these intrusive thoughts were praying. So the number. So the number six was a big no-no. However, I tried to combat it with the number three because that's the Holy Trinity. So I, if I saw the number six, I would try to, oh my gosh, it's kind of like hard to explain. But like if I saw like the number six like on the clock, like let's say it was like six o'clock, I just had to like either. like drink a glass of water three times and that would kind of like offset it or I had to like pray three times and that would offset it or I would have to like like tap the table three times and that would offset it like I would just have to do something else in the number three and that would offset it and that's again this is where like OCD a lot of things just don't make sense but it made

sense to me. It made sense to me. That's like what worked for me. And because these thoughts are irrational, it's like they just, some of the compulsions that I had just didn't make sense. They just downright did not make sense. But it's just either something that made me uncomfortable or made me comfortable. Like, that's just what it was. Another thing that I had compulsions with was, oh my gosh I remember this it was the letter T I had an obsession with this letter with the letter T because what does it look like it looks like a cross and so I had to make sure that any time I wrote the letter T it was perfect it had to be perfect because essentially I'm drawing across so if it wasn't perfect well then I'm going against God like that's what I believed and so like any time

I'm like I had homework and it was like written homework and I'm just like, oh my gosh, like I'm going to have to write the letter of T. I would get so anxiety filled that I just like didn't want to deal with it. So I wouldn't do my homework. And same thing with math because I knew the number six would come up a lot. I just wouldn't do my homework. And because of that, I ended up failing two classes my freshman year of high school because I would not do my homework because I could not. I could not do it because I knew that if I tried, oh my gosh, it would just be like this battle or almost like this like teeter-totter game of like, okay, doing my assignment, but then having to pray about it. And then doing my assignment a little bit more, but then having to pray about it again.

And then doing my assignment a little bit more and praying, it just like was like double the work almost. And not only that, if my like tea or like, my. My words, like, just didn't come out right, didn't feel right. I had to erase it and do it all over again and erase it and do it all over again and erase it and erase it and do it all over again. And it was just so exhausting to the point where I was just like, no, I'm done. I'm just not doing it. I'm not dealing with this.

Like, I can't do it anymore. Eventually, I just started avoiding things so that I wouldn't have to pray. And this is where I saw. started then just limiting the amount of times I ate. I just didn't want to eat anymore because I knew what would come with it. I didn't want to pray about it anymore. Like it was so exhausting that I'm just like, I'm done. So I'm just going to limit eating. And that just caused really bad eating habits for me because I was just avoiding it. Now, again, I knew that with my parents, I couldn't avoid it. I couldn't just be like, no, I'm just not going to eat dinner. So I would still have to do that. But

Again, then these compulsions started getting so bad. And again, I started getting tired of having to hide it. That was getting tiring even. So I would start almost doing it like out in the open now. And this is when my mom started like peeping some things and just seeing like, why is she like folding her hands so much? Why is she like praying so much? Is she praying? Is that what she's doing?

Like she's just started noticing thing I could tell. She's like, what? Something's going on. This is not usual. I would start like hiding myself in my room. I would just start becoming, I felt myself becoming very recluse. Like I just was trying to avoid things, anything. I was just trying to avoid everything.

And I think my mom started noticing that and just started noticing something that was normal and I think I eventually had told her a little bit of what was going on. Very surface level, but I'm just like, mom, listen, like, I know so it's going to sound weird, but I'm like, I feel the need to pray all the time. And I remember her response was, oh, you know, my sister, my aunt, she's like, oh, you know my my sister also kind of like feels the need to like pray for people and just like pray often um it's just like you know something just within her religion so she was kind of like seeing it as like oh you're very similar to my my sister who's very caring for the world who just like feels like she needs

to pray for everyone that's kind of what she thought i think was happening with me was just like maybe I'm just like a very sympathetic empath type of person that I just care for the world that I need to pray for anyone and everyone. And I will, you know, and in my head I'm like, no, I don't think you're understanding. It's like a lot more than that. Because that's another thing with these like prayers. It like they were just words coming out of my mouth. It really wasn't like a feeling. It wasn't like I was, I cared so much for the words.

world. In fact, it was something very selfish because I thought if I didn't pray for the world, like, I wasn't going to get to heaven. So it wasn't something that was sympathetic. It was something that was just like, it was just a chore. It was something that I had to do. I had no control over it. I had to do it. I don't think praying for people is a bad thing. I don't think like, you know, whatever, like praying for people that need it is a bad thing. Again, these actions that I'm doing, aren't necessarily bad things. It's when you start obsessing over it. That's when it becomes something that hinders your day to day. And that's something, that's when it becomes something that just like starts destroying your life. And I could feel it doing that to me. At a very young age as a freshman

in high school I was 14 and I again was having these very adult like thoughts of like I'm supposed to be in high school like just caring about you know how many friends I have and like popularity and I'm supposed to be like thinking about like you know what sport do I want to do what college do I want to go to no for me i was thinking like how do i save all of humanity and how do i save myself and make sure that i go to heaven like that's what i was thinking about on a day to day basis i wasn't thinking normal 14 year old thoughts that's something else that i want people to understand is like it's it becomes a lot of pressure on on you as a person also like one intrusive thought that i kept having was like, God hates you. You're just like, God hates you. And for, even if you're not

like religious, like just think about like what God means to people who are. God to people, God to people who are religious is like the creator of everything, the creator of them, the creator of life and morals. And so when you tell yourself that that creator hates you, it becomes very dark and it becomes very just difficult to like think the thing that, how do I explain it? It's like it just becomes very dark thinking that like the creator of all humanity, the creator of you hates you. Okay. And it would be like for someone who isn't religious, like telling yourself that your parents hate you, even though you know that they love you. They love you very, very much, but you're continuously telling yourself, no, your parents hate you. You'll never live up to what

they want you to be. They hate you so much. That's kind of like how it was for me. I was like, yep, you know, God just hates me. No matter if I pray, no matter if I don't, no matter if I, you know, do these things that are morally right or not, he just, he hates me. And that's what I just kept telling myself. And it was just, it was getting to the point where I just kind of like accepted that, that I was just like, I'm just hated by God. Like, that's just, you know, where I'm at in life. And it became very, very, very, very dark. And again, it was the, it was feeling. feeling so overwhelmed with these thoughts and like the noise level was so loud. And this is when I just, I started like thinking.

I was like, what are ways to like stop this? Like can I ever stop this? Will I ever heal from this? Will this ever be something that I don't have to deal with? And then I started thinking like, it would be like so nice to just like have silence. just silence and peace and then I just like started thinking of thoughts like what if I like you know just take it off of earth for a little bit like I could just be like oh like picked off earth maybe like placed on a different planet by myself or I could just be like totally quiet

and then it started getting to like dying doesn't sound that bad like dying kind of sounds very peaceful. Like, you know, I'm like obsessing, getting to God. Like, might as well just speed it up a little bit and get to him a little bit earlier. And this is when these like suicidal like ideation started popping up because I was just over it. I was so over it. And again, I just don't think people really realize the magnitude and the effect that these repetitive thoughts have on someone. it's so suffocating. And so again, you're going to do all these things to relieve it. And sometimes it can just get to a point where like, what is like the ultimate relief? I'm dying. Like I won't ever have to deal with this again if I can just turn it off. Turn it off. And that in that moment was like the only way that you could turn off these thoughts was just like just silencing. yourself forever. And I have this very vivid memory and it was very scary. And I remember just like sitting on my floor. And I remember like looking at my closet and like having these thoughts

of like, yeah, like silence would be really, really nice right now. And like just looking at this closet and just like, how would I like end it for me? Like I just started thinking of it and like started thinking of like what would be like the most quietest way? Like what would be, um, you know, the most peaceful way isn't too messy. Like and I just started having these thoughts and looking at this closet and like I, I, it was like in that moment, I really did feel like that. We're was the answer. But then I started battling with myself, like, wait, like that's a sin too. You're not, you know, in Christianity, you're not allowed to kill yourself. So I was like, no, wait, I can't do that. But like, it would bring me peace. But like, that's a sin. So it was just like I was then battling with

myself on this. And so it kind of like got to this point where I'm just like, you know what? I'm just going to, I want to put that on the back burner. Like I'm just going to like, you know, move that to the side. And then I started feeling this like overwhelming guilt of it. Like, oh my gosh, why was I having these thoughts? And I was like, oh my gosh. Like, well, oh my gosh, God must have heard that. Like, please, God, oh my gosh, forgive me.

I didn't mean to think those thoughts. And then like my closet started becoming something that I could not even go towards now because I was like so afraid that I was going to do something to myself. And I started, it almost like felt like, and this is literally the definition of intrusive thoughts. It's like this fear that you're like going to do something that you have no control over that. I'm just going to like, my body is just going to take me to my closet and like try to hang itself. And I'm going to have no control over it. It's just going to be my body that's moving me towards like the closet and doing these actions.

that it's just going to cause me to do this. So I need to keep my closet door closed at all times. Like I can't go near it. I don't want to look at it because if I do, I just might, you know, have no control over it. And it's just going to make me do it. And that's, again, what I just started panicking within myself. And again, like I had this like overwhelming guilt of having this thought. But even though for a split second, it sounded very nice. And I was just like, but like, I just had this

battle in my head. And I ultimately, the OCD kind of took over and was like, nope, or the scrupulosity kind of took over and was like, no, you can't do that. Because if you do, you're not going to get into heaven. And that's like your ultimate goal. So you can't, you can't do that. That's not an option. So I'm like, dang. So I was kind of like that. But then also, I do. just had this fear that I was going to do it anyways. And it's, it's really hard to, like, think those thoughts, too. But so I, I had that thought and it would, like, come and go. And eventually, I kind of made that decision of, like, that's just, like, not an option. I can't do that because, again, I want to get into heaven and that's not going to be the way to do it. So I'm like,

But what are other ways to like silence this noise? And I started thinking of like, well, what about self-harm? Like, I feel like people do that to quiet the noise as well so they can focus on something else. So I started thinking about that, but I'm like, but I can't, you know, my family will notice that immediately. If I start, you know, like cutting myself, it's going to like create scars and, um, you know, they're just going to notice. So I had to start thinking of other ways that I could do this like very sneaky. And I remembered back to this show that I, that every kid watched as a young teen. And there was an episode of this show where this boy had just broken up with his girlfriend.

and he kept thinking about her and he was like, oh, well, you know, in order to stop thinking about her, I'm just going to snap myself with a rubber band every time I think about her. I was like, that's a really good idea. So I found myself a rubber band, and I was like, oh my gosh, this is it. Anytime I have an intrusive thought, I'm just going to snap myself with a rubber band, and that's what's going to cure me. So I had this, I found this like rubber band. And I started this.

I just would snap myself every time I had an intrusive thought because then I would have to pray about it. Yeah, I would hurt and sting when I would like snap myself. But at least I didn't have to go through that whole just like routine of like praying. So I'm just going to snap myself. So I started doing that. But I had a lot of intrusive thoughts all the time. So I, it was just.

just something continuous that I was doing, just snapping myself and snapping myself and snapping myself. And it would get to the point where my forearm would be raw and like start bleeding because I was just snapping myself so much to try to like train my brain that if you have intrusive thoughts, you're going to get pain. So I was trying to train it to like stop having these thoughts because it wanted to avoid the pain and it just wasn't working. Like I would still have these thoughts, but on top of that, then I would just have physical pain. And it was getting really bad, so I would start wearing like long sleeve shirts. But the good thing for me was that it wouldn't scar. Even if it bled, it never scarred. And so I was like, no, so this is perfect. Because, you know,

if it just gets too bad, I can just, you know, take a break from it for a while, let my arms heal and go back at it or like switch between wrists because then by the time one wrist is all, you know, raw, then the other one will be healed. And I would just keep going. So it would just be that continuously, continuously, continuously. It was a great way for me to hide it from my parents. So they never noticed. And I would be doing this in school. Like I would be doing this like under my desk just like keep snapping myself. And I would be so focused on that. And I really, remember to like being in school like I think back to that I was so sad it was so sad I was so just over everything I was having these like you know suicidal ideational thoughts and I had made

friends by this point and I remember them telling me like Jasmine like oh my gosh you're like the funny one out of the group like you're the one that's like the most um you know the sweetest the most talkative, the one that makes us laugh. Like they really, you know, started to see me as a part of their group. And they saw me as like the funny one. And I always wanted to be the funny one out of like any friend group. But it really speaks to like how people always say like the one that's the most funniest and the happiest is really the saddest, like or could be the saddest, I should say.

And that was me in that case. I was like, really? You guys see me as like funny and like, you know, happy? Oh, you guys have no idea. I'm so sad. I'm so sad. And I'm having internal battles every single day and they just did not know it. They did not know it. Which I think is really, really crazy thinking about, you know, that. So I kept doing like the rubber band thing. And this was also during the time, like, which is really crazy. But like this was during the time when, um, like self-harm was really romanticized and suicide was really romanticized like on tumbler and like YouTube like I don't know why it was like a trend it was a trend during this time and so I think that's also why I was having these thoughts and this is also why I believed that I these thoughts came to me so

easy like when I was like looking at the closet and I was like how would I do it like how would I do these things it was so easy because like I had seen it on social media so much and it just seemed like it was just something that people were doing. Like it just seemed like a trend. And I think that's like also that was really damaging. Um, and really wild to me. This during this time is when I mean, I said it got bad, but it gets worse. Like it got so, so bad where it would like, I, I remember when my parents would leave the house. to go do something, whatever, I'd be like almost in my head, like, please don't go. Please don't go.

Please, because I know what's going to happen when they leave. And I would just be like pacing around the house, like praying, praying and praying and praying because like when I was alone, I didn't have them to talk to. So I was just in my head the whole time and these intrusive thoughts would come and I would have to pray about them. So apart from like the eating habits, apart from like the cursing and the numbers thing, Also, I would just get these like intrusive thoughts of like, oh my gosh, that's so funny. But because I saw a TikTok and this person was like, did anyone experience like as a kid,

you're in church and like you're praying and like you just get this thought of like, I hate God. And you're just like, wow, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry God. Like I didn't mean that. It was like that. Like I would get like these intrusive thoughts. I'd be like, I hate God. And I'd be like, oh my gosh. No, I don't.

No, you didn't hear that. And then I would have to like pray about it. And it would be thoughts like. that or thoughts like it would be like oh my gosh i want to go to hell and i'm like oh my gosh no i don't want to do that why am i thinking those thoughts and it would just keep repeating and repeating and repeating and i would have to pray about it so that's why i would be pacing the house being like god please forgive me for thinking those thoughts i didn't mean to do that like i didn't mean to think that please don't you know believe those thoughts and i would just start like doing that over and over and over and

over again and it would get so bad where i would be in my house like screaming I'd be like, God, please, like, take these thoughts out of my head. I'm so done with it. I would just be, like, screaming. And I would be crying. And I remember this one time that I was, again, it was like I was having a meltdown. And I was just like crying and screaming. But I remember, I remember this like to a tea.

I was like, Jasmine, I'm going to tell you. something and I was just talking to myself and I was like, I need you to remember this moment. I need you to remember this moment because there's going to be a day in your future that you don't have any of this anymore, that you're not going to struggle with this anymore, that you're not going to be pacing around your house praying all the time and like struggling with these thoughts. It's going to go away. I promise. And it was like the one and only time that like I had like a glimmer of hope that things would get better. And I remember just like telling myself that And I was, you know, I kind of held on to that.

And I would eventually, like my parents would come home. And I don't know what it was about my like OCD, but as soon as they would come home, it would just like be like, like, nope, no one can see this. Like now you kind of just have to like act normal. So then I would try to, you know, get myself together, act normal, wipe away my tears and be like, hi, mom and dad. And like, you know, try to be normal for a little. bit. But again, like in behind closed doors, like it was just a struggle. I remember also like I would

I thought like maybe I should journal my thoughts. Like maybe that would work. And I would literally like take paper and like it's like chicken scratch. Like I would just start scratching like my, you know, thoughts with like pen and paper and like, you know, just writing down everything I was thinking. But then also like, you know, trying to add in like, you know, like prayers and like verses and start just like writing everything down like on paper. And I was telling my husband, I was like, it literally looked like in the horror movies like when kids are like, you know, drawing a picture for their mom. And it's like, they give it to their mom and their mom's like, what the heck is this? Like this looks so scary. Like that's what I was doing essentially was writing this like like almost like a crazed person was

just writing all these things down. And it. It just like, it looked so freaky. It really did. And it started like freaking me out when I was doing it. But again, this was like kind of coming to like the point where I was going to start getting help. And I knew that. So I started like taking pictures of things. And I started taking pictures of like that chicken scratch that I would draw.

I started taking pictures of my arms. And I don't know why. And it was from that moment that I told myself like, remember. like remember this moment because eventually you're going to be healed from this. I held onto that so much. So I started documenting these things. So that way I could look back on it and see how far I had come. And it's so crazy that I was like thinking of doing that.

But I did. And so I started doing that. And I remember there was a very pivotal moment between my mom and I. And it was when I was getting ready for school. and I don't know if she remembers this, but I remember this so clearly. And I remember it was upstairs. I was about to eat my cereal, but I couldn't eat my cereal until I prayed about it. So I was like praying, but I was struggling so much. And I kept having to go and I was like, oh, like I was just like sitting there like, you know, with my hands folded and like my eyes closed. And I just like was getting so frustrated.

And like eventually like I got it right. So I was like, and I looked up and my mom was standing there. and she was just like watching me and she was like, like, I could tell she was just like, what was like, what did I just see? Like, what was this? Like, is my daughter crazy? Like, I knew that's something that she was probably thinking. And I was like, I told her like, go away. Like, just like, I'm fine. And she just like, very, like walked very slowly away. And she just, yeah, she just walked away. And I think, I don't know if she remembers that. but I don't know if like if that was a thing that pushed her to be like what what's going on like do you need help um and I remember that moment and after I just like started getting this like panic I was like oh my gosh

like she saw that I'm going to be sent to like a mental hospital like something's going to happen from this. And I don't remember when, but she ended up like coming to me, wanting to know more of what was happening. And she was like, okay, you know, I think we should start thinking about medication. I was like, no, no, I don't want medication. Please, no, I don't want medication. And she was like, you know, it's, you know, medication just helps people. It's not something that's like, you know, doctors wouldn't make it unless it's like, you know, mental health. you and I was like I just I don't know why I just thought like for again in the movies like when someone's medicated it's like they're zombies or they just like aren't real people and I thought

that was going to happen to me so I was like no no medication and so she's like okay what about therapy I was like no no nothing to tell me I did not want confirmation that I was crazy and I thought those things meant I was crazy and that's so far from the truth but in my adolescent and what I saw from movies. That's what I thought it was. So I was like, please no. And she was like, just please, like, just try therapy at least. And then we can look at those other things. And I just like, I don't know if I ended up like humoring her. And she's just like, you're going this one time. Just go. And so she got me a therapist. And ooh, this makes me emotional. But like, I started seeing this therapist. And I was so scared. I was so scared of.

going to therapy. I was 14. Like I was so young. 14 year olds don't usually go to therapy. And so it was just like something so new to me. And I remember like sitting with the therapist and she was like this very soft spoken woman. And she was just like, you know, talking to me. And I was telling her what was going on. And I'll never like forget. that she said, I had OCD too. Or I have OCD, like I had OCD too. I understand what you're going through. And I was like, someone else has OCD.

I was like, wait, I thought, I truly thought I was the only person in this world that had OCD. And this is when I was actually introduced into the word OCD. Before that, I just didn't know what was happening. I just thought I was just like struggling by yourself. Struggling. Like I was just crazy. I never thought there was a definition for what I was going through. And she was like, no, I had, you know, I had OCD.

And I was like, what? And this is when like, like, my world was like blown. And I was like, okay. And so she like started, you know, talking to me about it. And she was like, again, a very soft spoken. And she, I think she understood. understood I was struggling to speak or tell her about the thoughts that I was having because they just didn't make sense. They made me sound crazy. And so she like tried to, I remember she was like,

okay, how about like you explain what's going on in your head with like a song? She's like, is there a song that you connect to that kind of relates to what's going on in your head? And I was like, yeah, and I want to remember the song. I think it was called like a simple life or something like that. It was this very like angsty song. And she was like, oh, I like that song. And, you know, we listened to it together. And I remember that I was like in her office and she had like a bunch of toys and like fidgety toys.

And I like to fidget. So she's like, here you can have this. So I was like playing with this like horse. this like rubber horse that like you could make its legs like I don't know it was like this little tiny horse and um you know I started going and seeing her like on a weekly basis and she really really I only saw her like a few times but the reason why she like stands out to me so much is because she was the first person that told me essentially like you're not alone there's other people that deal with this. And you know what? There are solutions. There is a light at the end of the

tunnel. Like she told me like it was going to be okay. And I think that was so important for me. And so I remember, because I told you, from the moment that I moved there to the moment that I moved back, I had told my parents, I want to move back. I want to move back. I want to move back. I want to move back. I never stopped that. So eventually my mom came to me and was like, okay, we'll let you move back. And I was like, yes. Like I was so happy. I was so happy that I was able to move back. I think that's just like what I needed for me too. I thought that that was also going to be the thing that cured my OCD too. I don't know why. But I thought like, okay, if I just move back, I can just leave my OCD here. And I'll be good. Like I can just move back and, you know, continue my life like normal.

So I remember like my last session with this therapist. And, you know, I told me I was like, I'm moving back. And she was like, okay. And I was still like in the thick of it. Like I was still like still very much struggling with this. And so I kind of like felt sad leaving her. But I was just like, yeah, you know, I'm moving back. And she was like, okay, well, it was, you know, a pleasure working with you. And please, like, reach out to me if you need anything. And she was like, oh, and by the way, like, you can have this horse. I know that you really liked, you know, playing with it during our sessions. And I still have that horse. Like, it's, I don't know why it was, like, something that just, like, meant so much to me. Yeah. So I kept that horse and it just, like, reminds me of that, like, moment in my life. And it was, yeah, it was hard leaving her. But again, it was. I thought it was something that was going to be best for me if I, you know, moved back. And so I ended up moving back.

And my mom, I knew she really struggled with that. And that was like a really hard decision for her was to let me go, essentially. And I think for her, it kind of felt like, like, am I, I, I don't know if she felt like am I a bad mom for like. making, you know, like letting her go back. Like, am I just like not being a mother by letting her move back? But also like she's really struggling here. She's unhappy. Like she wants to go back. And eventually she just, she let me. And I did go back. And unfortunately, the OCD did not, she was not left in Royal Oak. It came. It did come with me. But I think, you know, having some familiarity back and having my old friends back and starting school with people that I

recognized and I knew, I think that did kind of give me some distraction. And so I think that like when I moved back, it did get better like a little bit. There was still that struggle there, but I think it got a little bit better, but still, those intrusive thoughts were still there. And I just, I couldn't kick them. And again, it was especially, especially bad at night. Because again, that's when you're alone. That's when you're just kind of like laying there in your thoughts. And so it was very difficult for me to fall asleep because these thoughts would just be running and I still had the praying thing. Like I would still have to pray. That did not kick for a while, a while.

And it was just, it was still very hard. And I was like, man, like I did the therapy. I did the whole five sessions of therapy. I should be healed by now. And it just wasn't the case. And I was like, okay. You know, my mom was still asking me about it. She was like, you know, how's this going?

Like, how's the praying thing? because at this point, this was the point that she was like, oh, this isn't like normal praying. This is like obsessive praying. This is like obsessive religious thoughts. She's obsessing over religion. And she was like, this is a problem. And I, you know, I need to. And I think that was what was really hard about her letting me go back home was because she

wasn't coming with me. So she didn't know I was okay. She didn't know if I was okay. She kind of just like, you know, let me go back at a time that I was still struggling. So she wasn't there right beside me because she only was privy to this towards the tail end towards when I was coming back. And so that was really, really hard for her. And she herself kind of took it upon herself to try to like, I don't want to say heal me, but like try to do things to like combat these intrusive thoughts as well.

So anytime that she would see my hands folded, she would immediately grab my hands and pull them apart because she wanted to stop me from praying. And to this day, it's like I gave her a little bit of PTSD because even to this day, and I noticed that, I don't know if she notices that I notice it, that every time I have my like hands just like folded, she'll grab them and pull them apart and she'll hold them. and she'll hold onto them so tight because she doesn't want me to pray. And I noticed that. She still has that because I think she has this fear of me slipping back to a place that I was just really sad.

And she saw it firsthand. I think when she started really paying intention and noticing it, she started seeing how bad it was affecting me. Because I told you it got to a point where I could, I could. couldn't really hide it anymore. And again, she saw that moment when I was eating cereal and I was just like, oh, like so frustrated and I was just like, ah, like, I'm so angry with this, that she was like, oh, okay, this is like not good. So she, again, took it upon herself to try to, you know, stop some of these compulsions.

And it did help to an extent there was like, I remember like she would try to hold my like hands and I'd be like, stop, like, I have to. Like, I have to. Like, you need to let go. Like, I need to do this. She's like, no, like, you don't need to do this. It's going to be okay. You don't need to do this.

And so now that I didn't really have that, again, I was kind of left to myself. And I told you, throughout my whole experience with OCD, it was really up to me. Like, it was really something. that I was struggling with myself because I was the only person that understood what was happening. I didn't think anyone else would understand what was going on in my head. So I really kept it to myself.

I really tried to, you know, cope with it. And I think this is where a lot of like my, I'm a very, I'm a very, I'm a very, how do I call it? Oh, yeah, I'm a very independent person. And I think this is where it stems from because I had to do. a lot of things myself. I had to do a lot of mental work myself. And because I thought like, oh, well, I, you know, healed myself. I can do anything myself. I don't need anyone else. So I think this is why I became a very independent person, which I'm not upset about. I'm very happy that I'm independent. I kind of got to this point where I'm like, okay, you know, I'm moved back.

I'm still struggling with these things. Now I need to see what I can do about it. So I started, you know, I started like trying to give myself guidelines. I think that was like, this is not going to work for everyone, but it worked for me. I started giving myself guidelines because I said that my OCD really didn't have a number to it. Like I didn't have to do things a certain amount of time for me to stop. It just kind of whenever it felt right was when I could stop. So I was like, you know what? I am going to put a number to this. You know, Jasmine, you're only allowed to have these compulsions X amount of time. And then you have to stop. You have to stop.

So I started giving myself some like guidelines and started to really try to be strict about my compulsions and try to tell myself like you can only do them X amount of time with, which only worked for a certain amount of time eventually like I would still like continue to do these compulsions even outside of like the X amount of times that I gave myself. But I also really try to just kind of like sit in the anxiety, which I think was really, really hard. But I really try to like just allow myself to go as long as possible without having to do these compulsions and just say like, you know what, just, you know, just sit in this anxiety for a little bit. Just just sit in it and see if you can overcome it. And that was really, really hard. And eventually, like, I just couldn't do it.

Like, it was still very hard. And again, this is why I'm saying, like, you can't just tell someone with OCD not to do these compulsions because it just doesn't work. But then I was like, honestly, I think the only thing that's going to help me is to tell someone. about it. And so I started talking to my dad as well that I was having these, these thoughts. And he was like, okay, well, let's, you know, talk to the doctor. Let's see if we can get some medication. And because I was so over it at this time, I was like, okay. Open to it. Yeah. Fine. You know what? Sure. Whatever is going to make it stop. So we went to the doctor. I was put on anxiety medication. And I don't know.

know, like if my mind is just easily persuaded or like it was like the placebo effect. But I really thought like it, maybe it did. You know, maybe it did. It really did work for me. It kind of just like helped ease like the amount of intrusive thoughts that I would have. It kind of helped with that. I think still there was a lot of work that I had to do myself. But eventually it started getting easier and easier and easier and I wouldn't have as many thoughts. And then it kind of got to the point where I, it would really only happen at night. So it kind of continued or kind of reverted back to, you know, when I was in like middle school where it really only happened at home behind closed doors, but not so much in school.

And were you still going to therapy or you didn't? So I tried a nut and this is where I strong. I think I just got lucky with the first one. but I strongly believe like finding a therapist is like dating like it's hard it's very hard and so I tried another therapist and I'm sorry this woman just like it didn't work it did not work I tried to explain to her like what was going on and even she looked at me like huh like she just didn't understand what I was like saying and I was like oh okay like it's unfortunate because it's like if that was the first time you tried it you might have stopped right there

there and then wouldn't have had any good experience 100% I believe that I really believe that I think the only reason why I was so open to trying it again was because I had a positive experience not a lot of people have positive experiences right so now um now I've kind of like gotten to this point where it was manageable it wasn't something that was like I felt like was destroying my life like when I feel like myself now or look at myself now and look at myself back then. Back then, it was a very short amount of time too. Let me also, you know, say this, that that time, that point where it was really bad when I was like having these suicidal ideations, like this amount of time was like really just like a year, maybe. So it wasn't like a few years. It was just a year that it got

really bad. But I still had OCD, like outside of that. I still have it. Just, you know, spoiler alert. I still have OCD. It's something that I'm going to carry with me. But are you still a medication for it? I'm not. Okay. Actually. And I'll talk about that too. Oh, I'm sorry. I was just going to ask you how long were you on the medication for? Yeah. Oh, okay. So I was on medication, ooh, eight years. Wow. Okay. I was on it for eight years. all of high school and all of college. I was on medication for eight years. And it did help quiet the thought a little bit. A little bit. I think it was that mixed with just a whole ton of like personal mental work that I was doing with myself. I got to a point where I just became very patient with

myself. And that's not something that I had been previously. I was really hard on myself. I was really just constantly telling myself I'm a bad person. Why are you like this? You're crazy. You're not normal. I was telling myself that repeatedly. And I finally got to a point where like, you're not crazy. It's okay. You're going to be okay. And we're going to get through this together, Jasmine, like I'm telling myself that. And I started gaining a lot of sympathy for myself. And I started saying like you have gone so long dealing with this you know you should be very proud of where you've come you know and how long you've been struggling with not even proud but just like I don't know what the word is but for the amount of time that I've been struggling with this like

you should have some sympathy towards yourself um and so I started you know talking to myself more kindly too and also started to remind myself that you're not alone, that 100,000 million people have this, right? However, many people are on earth, right? Like someone, out of all those people, someone else does have this and it's okay. And I also, one thing that I really try to stress with myself and I try to stress to anyone that is struggling with OCD is that you are not your mental illness. You are not those intrusive thoughts. And that is something that I just really, really try to emphasize with myself. Especially if you're someone that is struggling with religious OCD,

separate your religious OCD from your religion. Because those scrupulous thoughts, those, that OCD, those compulsions are not. not who you are. They're not your religion. There's something separately from all of that. It is a mental disorder. It's a mental illness. However, you want to look at it. And you need to almost like, for me, it helped me like categorizing it and understanding it too. That was also something that I did is I did more research on it. I wanted to understand what was happening to me and understand that, yes, I am not these intrusive thoughts because, and this is how I know that I am not these intrusive thoughts, this is how I know that someone else isn't these intrusive thoughts.

It's because you are not acting upon them, right? And so that's how I know that these, this isn't who I am. So especially for, you know, someone who has these OCD thoughts of like harming other people, they get really down on themselves. Like, why would I think that? You know, why would I think of harming other people? That's not who I am. And you're right. That is not who you are. Unless you are actively harming other people and acting upon those thoughts, you are not your thoughts. And I also tried to separate like my brain from who I am as well because I know a lot of these thoughts develop in my brain, obviously. And for me, I try to express to myself as well that I think my brain is just trying to understand. certain things. Like our brains are so complex and they're just constantly trying to understand

what's going on. Like honestly, like they're just really, really hard to understand. I think a lot of these intrusive thoughts just come from our brains, just trying to make sense of certain things. And for some people, our brains just, you know, they connect or they, I don't know say attract, but they, what did I say? They, um, attach. For some people, our brains just attached to certain thoughts and it's harder for them to let it go. And that's not to say that something's wrong with your brain or that your brain is sick. It's just the way that it is. And I just started, again, just trying to understand it. And I think that's what helped me as well. And now I also want to talk about, you know, where I am now with my religion. When, if you were to ask someone,

like, how to cure scrupulosity or how to cure religious OCD, you usually get one of two answers. You usually get the answer of like, well, just stop believing that religion. Just stop following that religion, right? If your anxiety and your compulsions come from a religion, just stop with that religion, just stop believing it. Or it's the other half of, and mostly it's religious people that are like, oh, well, you're just not religious enough. Oh, well, you're just not like, you know, trusting in your religion enough. And that's where these scrupulous thoughts happen, right? You just need to pray these thoughts away and you'll be cured. So it's either like you're too religious or you're not religious enough. And you need to do one or the other. And that's how you cure yourself. And I think

both of those thoughts are very damaging. Looking at the person who's saying, like, well, just stop being religious. Stop believing in Christianity and you'll be cured. You have to imagine that a lot of people, their religion is how they base their morals. It's how they live their life. It's what they believe happens after life. It's something that's huge in a person's life. And to just say, like, just take that out just take that out of the equation that's what's going to lead someone to depression and lead someone to just not because you just removed that like meaning of life for that person essentially like and so first some there i want to express there's some people that that worked for them that like just removing themselves from religion did work and i want to also say that and if that's

something that helped you and that's something that helped them totally valid i'm not saying there is a answer or a wrong answer, okay? But I'm just saying that you can't just tell everyone that that's something that they must do. That's all that I'm saying. Now, looking at the other half of the people who say, like, well, you're just not religious enough. You need to dive into religion even deeper, and that's what's going to cure you. That, I think, is just as damaging as well. And here's the thing. I still consider myself a Christian and probably what I'm going to say, I'm not going to be, you know, the biggest fan of a lot of Christians by saying this. But I, the reason why I think that can be just as damaging is because if you take someone who's already obsessed with religion and you tell them to dive even deeper,

their obsessions are just going to become bigger and bigger and bigger. I think that they need to heal themselves first and then they can. Again, maybe that works. Maybe that works. for someone. Maybe diving even deeper does work for someone, but I think for a lot it can be just as damaging as well. I think there needs to be almost like a comfortable middle where you just try to understand and educate yourself a little bit more and understand what's going on. I think in your head I think is super important in doing that work internally first and then deciding should, you know, I do one or the other because for me, this is what I did. And this is just me. This is what I did. I felt like in that moment, okay, I needed to step away from religion because maybe that's just like what I need to do to like heal myself.

It's something that's causing me a lot of like internal harm. But then again, I still have those intrusive thoughts saying like, well, if you step away from religion, you're a bad person. You're not going to, you know, go to heaven because of that. And so I still have. those thoughts, but this is what I did. I just like, I had like a moment with myself and a moment, you know, with God in my religion, I was like, listen, God, I need to step away for a second. I'm going to come back, but I need to step away for a second and work on myself. I promise I'll be back. I know that there's going to be a lot of Christians that disagree with that, but that's just what I had to do. And I think that the, you know, those Christians that feel like that's wrong, they didn't, they didn't go through what I went through. Okay. So, I had to do that for myself.

And in me, I felt in my spirit that God was like, okay, gotcha. So I took that time to really heal myself. And I did find myself coming back. I did find my way back. And now my relationship with religion looks very, very different. I am very careful, you know, with myself to make sure that I don't, fall back into any compulsions and obsessions. I'm very, very careful with that. I also, I try to remind myself that for me personally, there is no right or wrong. There is no rule book that my

spirituality is very personal to me and personal to God. And that is it. I am going to just, I am not going to tell or let anyone tell me what's right or what's wrong. And I think that's also what was very damaging when I was dealing with a lot of religious OCD is that, you know, I saw like videos or I heard, you know, sermons of people telling, you know, their follower, or not followers, but their, um, audience? Audience. in church. Is it audience? Like congregation, that's what I meant. A lot of like pastors telling their congregation the do's and don'ts to Christianity. So I truly believe that there were dues and don't.

Now I don't believe that. Like I just, I don't. And that I think is what what helped me because you're going to get obsessed and attached to those do's and don'ts. And I think that's what really, again, harms people. But I also, again, want to make it clear that. there isn't one answer because mental health is so personal. And there's going to be things that work for you that don't work for a lot of people. And also, my story and the way that I talk about it, I do try to separate it from, even though it's like a religious base OCD, I try to separate it from my religion because I don't see these two like. It's just something that I feel like you're OCD attached to.

Like you said, it doesn't really have to necessarily do with your beliefs now or the religion itself. It's just something that. I mean, you even said that you went through different phases, whether it was the door or praying or what was the first one? The contamination. Right. So it has changed and evolved so much. So I think that makes sense that you separate the two. I wanted to make sure that I was.

And I wanted to, you know, make sure that like the reason I'm saying this in the way that I'm saying it is because I want people to understand that you can go one of two ways. You can decide to leave the religion as a whole. And if you decide that leaving the religion is what's going to be best for you, that's what's going to be best for you. that's what's going to be best for you. I totally understand that. But if you're the other half that is like, I don't want to leave my religion. I love my religion. Like I said, for a lot of people, religion is so important.

It's a part of their culture too. And some people just don't want to leave it. And so I'm telling those people as well that if you don't want to leave it, there's someone like me that didn't have to. I didn't. I, okay, maybe I took a step away for just a second. And I still considered myself a Christian during that time. I just wasn't actively practicing it is all I'm saying.

So I'm not saying like you have to like say like, no, I'm not a Christian anymore. Anything of that. I'm just not going to practice it right now in this moment. I can't. I can't do it. If you want to find your way back at some point, you can as well because I'm an example of like you don't just have to like leave the religion, you know, all in all in order to heal yourself. It's just about like finding what works for you. And honestly, I'm very grateful for what I

went through now because, number one, I just, I have a lot of sympathy for people with mental health and what they're going through. I have a lot of sympathy for people that say like, man, I have thoughts that no one will understand because I get it and I understand. I do understand you because I felt the same way. I want people to know that they're not alone. I want people to understand too that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and to not give up. Don't give up. It gets better. And I know that's like the thing that everyone says, but it really does. It gets better. I promise. I promise. Don't give up. I'm also very grateful for my experience too because I feel like I practice my religion in a way that isn't damaging to others, and that's really important

for me. My belief shouldn't be someone else's trauma. It shouldn't be someone else's pain. And I think because I knew what it felt to feel like pain in religion or how do's and don'ts of a religion can affect someone, it has really, really made me think of how I'm speaking to someone else about religion. And I have a spouse, I have a husband who is not religious, who has a lot of religious trauma. And I know how to speak to him because my experience has allowed me to understand how to speak to him and how to be sympathetic towards him. So I'm very, very grateful for what I went through. I'm just respectful of everyone's beliefs, everyone's just journey, everyone's mental health. And I'm so incredibly grateful for that. I'm grateful for my family too,

who, again, like my mother didn't know what I was going through. She's never gone through something like this herself. Also, she's Hispanic for a lot of Hispanics. Mental health is not something. thing that's talked about anxiety doesn't exist, depression doesn't exist for a lot of, you know, people in the Hispanic culture. And so, you know, she didn't grow up with a lot of this. She just doesn't, she didn't understand what was going on. But I think this has even taught her how to be sympathetic towards someone that could be struggling mentally. And I think my whole family as well, too. So I'm very grateful. I think also I was very, lucky to be in the family that I am in because there are families out there that are like that

could see this and automatically take their child to like a mental health institution and just like want someone else to deal with it or yes or over medicate someone like I I think that was my fear and like I feel guilty now like thinking like how could I think my family would ever do that to me but there there's families that do that to their kids. And I think it's amazing too that you were able to, like, well, yes, you were on medication for a while, that you were able to get to a point where you no longer need it. I think that that also serves like a hope for people because there might be some people that feel like they really rely and need that medication right now, but it should give them hope

that maybe one day they won't need it. That's another thing I'll touch on briefly. So, yes, at this point in my life, I am not. on medication. I stopped my medication when I graduated college. They do say that you shouldn't stop medication just because you feel good now, right? You feel like, oh, I'm healed. I can just stop. They think a lot of people say like that's the worst time to stop medication. You should keep it going because you feel good. But I did it in a very specific way. I weaned myself off of it. I just, I really, again, this experience has made me very in tuned with myself, really listen to myself,

really listen to my habits, my body, my mind. And so when I was weeding myself off of medication, I did it very little by little, was really listening to myself, like taking notice of my emotions, my mental health, if my OCD was getting bad again, anything like that. I also felt like I needed, something to like support me or some kind of like supplements. So I didn't just stop medication and just that's it at cold turkey. I did then start introducing things that were more natural. I started introducing CBD and that has been a life changer for me. I really, really like CBD. It has helped me and just like I feel like I needed something to like stabilize me still. Again, because I was very much paying attention to my emotions, my thoughts.

thoughts and I did feel like I needed something. So that's what I kind of turned to and I've really been enjoying it. But you're right. It is a sentiment for people that are like, am I ever going to get off medication? And for me, I could get off of medication. I did get off of medication. And I feel great. And I've been off of medication for a while now, a little bit now. And I feel, I feel great. I feel great. Not to say that if you have to have. to be on medication for your whole life, that's fine too. It doesn't, it's not a bad thing. You know, there's medications that are out there that if, you know, if they help you and you feel, you know, stabilized with them and you feel, quote unquote, normal with them, why not keep taking

them? Of course, keep taking them. But I'm just saying for me, I was able to get off of it. And I also wanted to explain to really quick, like what my OCD looks like now. I kind of came to terms that like it'll always be there, but it's manageable. It's not something that I struggle with now. Like it's not something that I suffer with now. There are things that I noticed that will trigger it, that will trigger it a little bit. So I just, I tend to like avoid these things, but they're not like major things. They're like, like, I don't know, like certain TV shows that just like I can't watch because they're,

I don't know, there's like a lot of like, I don't know, creepy things or like horror things or like things that talk about like people being possessed or like those types of things. Like those kind of still, maybe that's just me being like creeped out by them. but I realize that they trigger a little bit of my OCD when I watch them. So I just try to like avoid watching those things. But everything else, I can go about my daily life like normal. I can watch. I remember when I could, this is so like silly to me.

But like I remember what I could start listening to like songs that have swear words in them. And I was so excited. And I remember like, oh my gosh. Like I don't have to like go into this compulsive like praying anymore. I can just enjoy this music. I can enjoy these TV shows and these movies without having these compulsions anymore. And I was so excited.

And like I remember, this is so funny too. Like I remember when I could start like, you know, swearing again and be like, damn it. Like I was so excited because I couldn't for the longest time. And I don't know. I just don't like swear normally just like out of the, you know, norm. but like I like feeling the ability or feeling or being able to just like the freedom of it. And I think that's also what was so hard with this.

I felt like I was in a cage. I felt like trapped. I felt like there were chains. I wasn't free. And now I feel free. I can swear if I want to. I can listen to anything that I want. I can wear any color when I could start wearing like.

red again or even like look and eat things that were red like I was so excited and that's why I chose to wear this color today because it just I feel like it shows the freedom that I have now I have this freedom and I feel like I'm me back then I didn't feel like I was me I felt like there was I remember telling someone like I felt like a puppet and there was something like I was almost like a marionette and someone was like controlling me. That's what it felt like. And now those strings are detached and I just, I feel like I'm me again. I really do. So yeah, I just wanted to talk about this and, you know, make sure people know that they're not alone and that this is very common. I think it's a lot more common that people think. And it's also, I think there's a lot of movies and

shows that glamorize it and make it, I guess, a little bit more exciting than what it is, which is fine because that's what TV and movies are meant for. They're meant to entertain people, so not mad at them. But I think there are depictions of like OCD out there that like, I think I shared with you. Like there's, you know, TV shows that have used OCD to like be a serial killers. like motive was their OCD. And so the show would kind of show this person like doing these like, you know, ticks and like, um, it caused them to like, you know, kill people. And I just want people to know, like that's not what it leads to. OCD doesn't always lead, maybe for some,

but like, you know, not for many a lot, the majority of people. It doesn't lead to, you know, you murdering someone or like doing any harmful things. Um, so. I just wanted to kind of say that too. Yeah. And I think, like I said before, I think you have done more than an incredible job of explaining it, not only from your perspective and your experience, but as a whole. Because I think that, you know, we live in a society in a world where we hear anxiety and OCD very often, but we don't always realize how severe it can be because it's invisible.

It's invisible. Yeah. We don't know what's going on. in someone else's mind, you know, what they're dealing with, what they're struggling with. And I think it's very easy for people to want to just deal with it on their own and bottle things up. And I feel like you kind of break that silence as well to say, you know, you also on that flip side, you know how it felt to want to keep it inside and bottle it up and not talk to anybody. But why it's safe and important to speak up about it.

And obviously everybody's going to come from a different family and have a different experience and it might not be, you know, it might not be as safe, which is really unfortunate and sad. But I do think there's always somebody that you can talk to and it's better to open up than to not because no one should have to battle these things on their own. It can be so challenging and isolating. And yeah, like I said, I think you did such a great job of really explaining it and making people see OCD from a very different angle and not just OCD, like the term that we hear.

You really showed it in a way that was so detailed and really makes you see how it can progress as well. Yeah, absolutely. And that's the thing I think I said this in the beginning. Like from like now until like the end of time, you could have multiple guests come on here talking about their OCD. and each person's story is going to be completely different. Their compulsions are going to be completely different.

The severity, everything. The severity. I mean, every single person goes through it differently. And yeah, I did want to talk about how it can, because I think for a lot of people, too, it's misunderstood. And I think for a lot of people, it's like, oh, you just like to have your room cleaned. Right.

Or like, oh, you just like to have things very organized, which can. It absolutely can become OCD 100%. But just having your room clean and having things organized isn't necessarily, right? OCD. It's when it starts hindering your day-to-day life and you start like, you know, not leaving your room until it's clean. Or thinking that something bad is going to happen. Or something bad's going to happen because you don't clean your room. That's when it becomes that OCD.

So yeah, I just, yeah. I wanted to tell my story. You did amazing, seriously, incredible job. And thank you so much for wanting to come on here and share your experience and your story. It means so much to me. And I'm so happy that you wanted to do it on my podcast. Of course. I'm so honored.